The Park 5 18

Estrella Publishing - The Park magazine

May 2018

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From Me To You...

Welcome to the May edition of The Park a magazine for Litchfield Parkresidents.

I am dedicating this issue to all the mothers I know, all the mothers I have not yet met, and all the mothers I wish I could meet again.

May is the month where we think of flowers and sunshine and Mothers’ Day. A holiday that honors the women who try to put their children first, even when it seems too much. Because motherhood is hard. It is painful. It is lonely. It is isolating.

It also brings the most unimaginable love and connection. A sense that you will move mountains for this tiny creature that has been placed into your arms. A desire to do better, to be better.

I remember the morning after I brought my first child home. I woke with a heart full of happiness and love. And a creeping dread. A sense of hopelessness and futility. Who decided that I could be responsible for a human being? Who decided that I knew enough to keep her alive?

Where was the manual? They sell you a car with reams of paperwork on how to do everything to keep this machine running. A baby? Nothing.

Then there was the feeling of being trapped inside a prison of my own making. I wanted this child. I carried this child. I made this child. And now I am stuck with her. My husband got to keep

being himself. He got to go to work and leave the house and the never ending piles of laundry. I was forever chained to this tiny being who relied on me for everything. No matter how much you prepare for the life of a parent, this is what hit me the most. My life was no longer my own.

If you are lucky you have family around to help and guide you. Groups of mothers to join and talk to. Someone to let you know you are not alone.

That other mothers feel this way too. That it is OK to founder. If you don’t have that then find it! In the age of the internet it is easier to find groups to talk to but I got the best support and help from a group I met in person.

I had moved to a new town with my two children and husband in tow. We were adults now. We had jobs and a mortgage and reliable cars with car seats. But it was lonely. I found an ad in a local paper for an open house at ‘The Mothers’ Center’. The decision to go was one of those moments people talk about. The moment I found my people. The Mothers’ Center was a community of women supporting each other. We had discussion groups where members were free to tell our lives to and learn from each other.

With no recriminations, no judgement, only truth and support. There were rules, of course. Do not judge. Speak from the I. Do not tell others what was divulged in this place. Simple requests, but ones that allowed us to be free and cared for.

On this Mothers’ Day I encourage all of you to reach out to a mother you know. Offer her support, friendship, a non-judgemental ear.

Perhaps even offer to help with the laundry.

Catherine Uretsky

Editor, The Park Magazine info@estrellapublishing.com 623.594.9283

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May 2018

Published by Estrella Publishing LLC, PO Box 6962, Goodyear AZ 85338. Additional copies and article reproductions can be obtained for a fee by contacting info@EstrellaPublishing.com Catherine Uretsky, Publisher and Editor 623.594.9283 info@EstrellaPublishing.com Al Uretsky, Publisher and Sales Executive 623.594.9283 info@EstrellaPublishing.com All contents Š 2010-2018 Estrella Publishing LLC. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction in any form, in whole or part, without written permission from Estrella Publishing LLC is prohibited.

Estrella Publishing accepts freelance contributions, there is no guarantee that materials will be used or returned. Some content is provided by Brandpointe. Estrella Publishing is not responsible for the views of contributing writers and assumes no responsibility for errors appearing within.

Opinions expressed are those of the writers and not necessarily those of the Publisher or Advertisers. Estrella Publishing reserves the right to restrict all advertisement to their proper classification and to edit or reject any copy at its sole discretion. Neither this publication nor Estrella Publishing is an agent of or in any way affiliated with the associated Developer nor Homeowners Association, or any of their respective affiliates. This publication has not been approved by, sponsored by, or endorsed by the associated Developer nor Homeowners Association in any way.

Catherine Uretsky Publisher & Editor

Al Uretsky Publisher & Sales Exec

Estrella Publishing - The Park magazine

May 2018

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May 2018

Life As A Caregiver

It has been close to two months since I placed my mom in her care facility, but it feels like so much longer. Certainly a lot of adjustments. The biggest one for me has been looking at life without her. That realization takes on many elements: the huge change to my family unit, my own mortality, what the disease may bring to ME, and being so thankful for my mom’s relationship & memories.

But it is also about freedom. MY freedom from the 24/7 caregiving responsibilities I had dedicated to her for the past four & a half years; the permission to feel that freedom and relief; and the reality of being able to take back my life.

But for now, it is mostly about dealing with the disease and the toll its taking on my mom. Our visits are very different now and they seem to diminish each time. I am told she yells at and hits the staff when they proceed to give her a shower.

She is now in a wheelchair which moves her from place to place. The staff feeds her instead of her feeding herself.

They have explained her behavior this way: it is the disease taking over by allowing her brain to ‘relax’ from the pressures to keep up with the daily tasks that are considered normal behavior (conversing, feeding oneself, response). She is now accepting to let people take over those tasks for her. But by the same token, she is angry that she is unable (or unwilling) to perform things on her own and having people tell her what to do (showering, eating, going to the bathroom, etc).

It’s just so sad.

tures…and they spent all day, every day together.

I don’t say this to make you sad….although it is tragically sad. I say this so that you can be somewhat prepared for the next step.

Our next step came very quickly. It is like night & day to see the decline in just eight weeks. Seeing how sad I was coming from a recent visit, a friend of mine asked me why I go. Was it for my mom or was it for me? Excellent question. I think it’s a little of both. I want her to know that I am here and with her, somehow making her feel more secure and at peace and not alone….although I doubt it does. And I guess I do it for me…to ease the guilt and frustration of not being able to DO anything to fix this nightmare. Intellectually, I know I have done all that I could being an unskilled caregiver. But emotionally, it just isn’t enough.

So I go to help ease the pain for both of us.

Unfortunately, I’m losing that battle.

Submitted by Kathy Linton, West Valley Resident

Sometimes when I visit, she barely knows me.

Other times, not at all. She doesn’t eat much, even when fed, so she has lost weight. She hardly engages in conversation anymore. I brought her a CD player and some of her favorite CDs so she could listen to music. She seemed to like that….but not that much. I brought her some of her favorite cookies and she took two bites. She wasn’t interested in eating the rest. She doesn’t remember my dog at all when I show her picEstrella Publishing - The Park magazine

May 2018

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Healthcare Costs

As their 65th birthday looms, many people eagerly anticipate the affordable access to health care that Medicare will provide. After all, Medicare covers everything, right? Not exactly. Because of this common misconception, many people are caught off guard when they realize that each one of the dozens of Medicare options available to them comes with its own set of out-of-pocket cost implications. In fact, a survey of the newly retired found 43 percent are spending more on health care than they had planned.

The more you know about Medicare plans and costs, the better prepared you’ll be to avoid unpleasant surprises. Think you’re savvy enough to discern myth from fact when it comes to your health care costs in retirement? Read on to put your knowledge to the test.

Myth: When comparing Medicare plans, it’s best to choose the lowest-premium option to help minimize your costs.

Fact: While premiums are an important factor when choosing a health care plan, they should not be the only factor. Sometimes a low monthly

premium option comes with higher out-of-pocket costs or lacks benefits and services that are important to you.

It’s best to understand the total costs of a plan - including the deductibles, copays and coinsurance - as well as any benefit limitations that could increase your costs. For example, if the hospital you use isn’t in a plan’s network, you’ll likely incur higher costs if you choose to access care there.

Myth: If I enroll in a Medicare Advantage plan, I will pay only one premium. And if my plan has a $0 premium, I won’t have to pay any premium at all.

Fact: The simplicity of Medicare Advantage is one of the reasons enrollment in these plans has grown so dramatically. Many people appreciate the convenience of wrapping all of their Medicare coverage into one plan and having just one card in their wallet. That said, choosing Medicare Advantage doesn’t mean you’re totally off the hook in terms of paying monthly premiums.

You are still responsible for paying your Part B premium.

Myth: There isn’t much you can do to contain or manage health care costs. It’s mostly up to chance or luck.

Fact: While no one can predict or completely control their future health care needs, you can take steps to protect yourself from high health care expenses. Choosing a Medicare plan that limits the amount you spend on health care costs during the year is one option to consider. Medicare Advantage plans and two Medicare supplement plans include out-of-pocket maximums.

Regardless of the plan you choose, everyone can stand to benefit by being proactive about taking care of their health.

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May 2018

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Estrella Publishing - The Park magazine

May 2018

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The Good Enough Mother “I am not OK with being with a good enough mother. I work too hard to settle for that.”

One of my closest friends (and one of the most devoted mothers I know) said those words to me a couple of years ago, and I’ve never forgotten them. On a personal level, I was heartbroken to realize that my friend was putting that much pressure on herself. On a professional level, I was saddened to see that once again one of my favorite theories of parenting and child development had been totally misunderstood.

Usually when I hear the phrase “good enough mother*,” it’s either by mothers like my friend, who see “good enough” as “not enough,” or by mothers who are using it as an explanation for why they aren’t the perfect mother. It’s become about whether or not we cook a multicourse meal every night or bring a holiday craft project and snack in for the entire preschool class. The good enough mother is now a failure to be avoided at all costs, or an explanation for why we haven’t been able to do better.

Unfortunately, for both our children and ourselves, both of these explanations totally miss the point.

The phrase “good enough mother” was first coined in 1953 by Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst. Winnicott

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observed thousands of babies and their mothers, and over time he came to realize that babies and children actually benefit when their mothers fail them in manageable ways. (I’m not talking about major failures, such as child abuse and neglect, of course.) The process of becoming the good enough mother to our children happens over time. When our babies are infants, we try to be constantly available and immediately responsive to them. As soon as they cry, we feed them or snuggle them or change their diapers—we do whatever it takes to help them feel better. This is important, because it teaches our children that they are safe and that they will be cared for.

The thing is, we parents can’t sustain this level of attentiveness to our children forever, nor should we. That is precisely Winnicott’s point.

He believed that the way to be a good mother is to be a good enough mother. Children need their mothers (or primary caretakers, whoever they may be) to fail them in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they can learn to live in an imperfect world. Every time we don’t hear them calling us right away, every time we don’t listen as well as we should, every time we feed them a dinner they don’t want to eat, every time we make them share when they don’t want to, we are getting them ready to function in a society that will frustrate and disappoint them on a regular basis.

May 2018

Children need to learn, in small ways every day, that the world doesn’t revolve around them, that their every request won’t be honored, and that their behaviors impact other people. They need to learn—through experience—that life can be hard, that they will feel let down and disappointed, that they won’t get their way, and despite all of that (or perhaps because of it) they will still be OK. If our children never have these experiences—if their every need is met every time—they will have no ability to manage the challenges that will inevitably arise. They won’t learn that it’s ok to feel bored or annoyed or sad or disappointed.

They won’t learn, time and again, that life can be painful and frustrating and they’ll get through it.

In short, building our children’s resilience is the gift of the good enough mother.

There’s one other important point we need to remember about the good enough mother—she’s not only a gift to her children, but she’s also unavoidable. It is, quite simply, not possible to do better than good enough. Perfection is not an option. I don’t need to explain to you that it’s just not possible to meet every single one of our child’s needs, be it another bowl of macaroni and cheese, a desire to cover the wall with

Estrella Publishing - The Park magazine

marker, or a wish to stay up all night watching Dora episodes. Even if it were somehow possible to be the perfect mother, the end result would a delicate, fragile child who couldn’t tolerate even the slightest disappointment. None of us want that for our children.

The reality is that either we are good enough or we aren’t, most of the time. If we’re not good enough, then we may be letting our children down in a myriad of unpredictable, possibly irreparable ways. If we are good enough—which I believe most of us are—then we mostly get it right, and sometimes we get it wrong. Our children may feel annoyed or frustrated or sad because we have let them down, but in that moment, in those many small moments, they learn that life is hard, that they can feel terrible, and they will bounce back.

Each time we let our children down, and they get through it, they get just a little bit stronger. That is the gift of the good enough mother, and it’s time we all embrace it.

Carla Naumburg, PhD This piece was first published on Carla Naumburg’s Mindful Parenting Blog on PsychCentral.com.

May 2018

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Positive Parenting If some one had asked what motherhood meant to me six years ago I would probably have said something along the lines of “pure bliss”, and I would have meant it. Being a Mum was the only thing I had ever consistently wanted in life.

When I finally became a Mum at 34 I was genuinely ecstatic. And I was good at it from the very start. As soon as she was placed on my chest, seconds after being born, my daughter began nursing. It didn’t hurt. I had no supply issues. Nursing on demand was never a problem because my husband and I had decided that the best thing for our family was for me to stay home with our daughter.

Mom’s Clubs, play dates, the odd evening out with new friends while Daddy and Daughter snuggled in bed waiting for me to get home, a new found confidence in myself and what I was doing became my life. I was delighted, and we all thrived.

Life was easy and full of joy, so we decided to try to add to our near perfect life. The first time around getting pregnant wasn’t easy, and we

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expected things to be harder the 2nd time. We planned to have another child born when our eldest was about 3. Life decided we were doing so well at this parenting thing that we didn’t need to wait that long. Before our eldest was 18 months old I was pregnant. From the second she found out (the same time as me, after all, who pees alone with a toddler in the house?) she was adamant that there were “2 babies in Mummy’s tummy”.

And on Christmas Eve, 3 months before she turned 2, we found out she was right!

I have been overwhelmed ever since.

The twins (a boy and a girl) will be 4 this summer.

I love them so much my heart hurts. There are moments of joy and pride in the things they do.

But life is no longer easy. I’m not the confident and carefree Mum that I was before. Chaos, endless noise, and self doubt like I have never felt before are my new normal.

But life is good and things are settling down. My heart is full, my days are never the same. And it gets easier from here ….. right?

Submitted by Terri Smith

May 2018

Home Sweet Home To boost your home sale and reduce time on the market, consider these top home improvement ideas to catch buyers’ eyes.

Garage door: When potential buyers visit your property, you want to make the best first impression before they even come inside.

That’s why it’s wise to replace your garage door. It takes up a significant amount of exterior visual real estate and helps define the home’s aesthetic. What’s more, according to Remodeling Magazine’s 2018 Cost vs. Value report, a garage door replacement recoups an astonishing 98.3 percent of cost upon resale.

Kitchen upgrade: A complete kitchen remodel is costly, but a few smart upgrades can make the heart of the home shine. Consider replacing worn laminate countertops and updating hardware for a fresh look.

Fresh flooring: You don’t have to replace all your flooring, but focal areas like the kitchen or family room, as well as areas that tend to experience

higher wear, such as the entryway, can benefit from a new floor. Forget expensive tile or hardwood replacements. Vinyl wood flooring looks incredibly similar to real wood, and modern luxury vinyl tile mimics the gorgeous look of stone or ceramic tile but is more durable and affordable. You may be able to simply add new flooring on top of old, making it a much easier DIY project.

Neutral paint: Don’t ever underestimate the value of a fresh coat of paint throughout your home.

Walls get dingy and colors get dated. Repaint rooms with modern, neutral tones. As much as you love plum, buyers may not, so stick with whites, creams and grays whenever possible.

Visit your local paint store and you’ll see there are many neutral options to add excitement to interior spaces. Don’t forget the ceiling, too! A fresh coat of white can do wonders.

These four projects will enhance your listing so you get more attention and book more showings.

You may even start a bidding war with enough interest, and that can really drive up the price.

Take action now and these home improvement efforts are sure to make an impact.

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May 2018

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School Zone

Even though many Americans understand the importance of STEM education, children in the U.S. continue to lose interest in science, technology, engineering and math subjects at young ages. Not surprisingly, 44 percent of U.S. adults say they felt more excited about science when they were kids, reports the State of Science Index. Maintaining students’ interest in science during the middle school years is crucial to increasing the likelihood they’ll pursue STEM careers. That’s important, since studies show our nation will need to produce an additional one million STEM workers between 2012 and 2022 alone.

imagine a career in such roles. Introduce him or her to people actively working in such fields, then encourage discussion and/or job shadowing. * Seek achievement opportunities. Introduce children to engaging events like the annual Discovery Education 3M Young Scientist Challenge. The top 10 finalists receive a summer mentorship with a 3M scientist, and the winner will receive $25,000. * Keep participating. Reducing involvement in your child’s daily academics once he or she enters middle school may backfire. One study shows middle schoolers maintain a more positive attitude toward science when their parents continue to display interest.

That said, we’re still not on track to meet demand, partly because students continue to lose interest.

“Many educators in our country believe we need to accelerate our approach to STEM education,” Moss says. “There are three to four million STEM job openings in the U.S. right now, and companies can’t find American workers with the skills they need.”

What can parents and educators do to foster more interest? Consider the following: * Find role models. If a child doesn’t know anyone working in STEM, he or she may be unable to

* Discourage snap decisions. During adolescence, Moss notes, kids struggling to figure out who they are can easily form inaccurate perceptions of their academic weaknesses.

Reassure your child one challenging assignment or bad grade need not rule out a future career.

It’s critical for us to maintain interest during the middle school years, and it’s our responsibility to help children see the possibilities.

“Kids in fifth through eighth grade have a whole lot of empathy and really do want to make the world a better place,” she says. “They have the power, but we need to instill confidence and give them the tools and encouragement to pursue STEM.”

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May 2018

Estrella Publishing - The Park magazine

May 2018

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May 2018

Book Review

I’m Just Happy to Be Here, by Janelle Hanchett

Looking for a Mother’s Day treat for your favorite bibliophile mother or grandmother? Look no further than Renegade Mothering blogger Janelle Hanchett’s literary debut, I’m Just Happy to Be Here: A Memoir of Recklessness, Rehab, and Renegade Mothering.

The book is told in three parts and follows the major stages of the typical hero’s journey with the first part chronicling the writer’s life before all the trouble began. This part almost reads like a love story while foreshadowing the darkness to come. The second phase of the book details Hanchett’s cringe-worthy bottom of addiction, a world full of what she calls “3:00 a.m. ideas” and “maintenance whiskey.” The book’s third phase marks her return to the ordinary world, where she is forced to grapple with the mundane along with the beautiful and finds herself still struggling though newly redeemed.

Though the book veers off the path of love story early on, it can be viewed as a love story throughout if only readers adjust their expectations of what a love story really is. Adjusting expectations, after all, is what this book is really about.

With incredibly raw candor, Hanchett shares each detail of her journey, complete with paradoxes, revelations, grace, and Estrella Publishing - The Park magazine

loss of ego. In addition to telling the story of an addicted mother’s plight like no other book, the memoir also beautifully portrays the role of music, place, and connection—to friends, families, and unexpected allies—in each of our lives.

For instance, we meet “Good News Jack,” a sponsor and “washed up gutter drunk” (now sober and ready to help others get there) she found while smoking cigarettes outside an AA meeting. Early in their friendship he tells her, “If your ideas worked so well, what the f*ck are you doing here?” So yes, readers should be prepared for profanity in the service of tough love and a back-breaking search for truth.

In a chapter called, “The Childhood I Could No Longer Blame,” we learn about Hanchett’s complicated though steadfast relationship with her own mother and the book’s dedication page reads, “Hey Mom. Look. We did it.”

We read about her grandmothers, Bonny, the writer, and Joan, the beauty, in a chapter called “Lineage.” A temporary rupture in Hanchett’s relationship with her grandmother Joan over comments Joan made about one of Hanchett’s daughters being “shorn like a boy,” gives insight into generational divides experienced in nearly every family. Hanchett eventually mends the relationship, offering this reflection: “Do we hate them for that? Our mothers and grandmothers?

Do we hate them for the roles they’ve internalized and been forced to play? Or do we simply love them as they pass into the gray?”

Love of family, gradual loss of ego, and embrace of paradox lead Hanchett to the light where life is still challenging. To not read this book is to miss the tiny, beautiful revelations along the way, revelations all of us can relate to and appreciate.

Treat a real-talk-loving mother, grandmother, or aunt to I’m Just Happy to Be Here this Mother’s Day. Submitted by Jen Hamilton Jen Hamilton is a writer in Austin, TX. Find her online at jenhamiltontx.com.

May 2018

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Biz Buzz

more, making it one of the most essential freelancing tools. It’s the lifeline between your business and your clients, so it’s critical to be sure you have the right one.

From millennials who have been grinding away in the workplace for a few years to Gen Xers looking to move out of their cube, many have been intrigued by the possibility of freelancing.

Unlike a traditional job freelancing requires a few essential tricks and tools to succeed.

Homeworking experts cite four important tips to help you succeed at the freelance game.

3. Use professional email and social media accounts. For all work-related correspondence and interactions, be sure to use a dedicated email account. This will make you appear more professional to prospective clients. You should also set up work-related social media accounts where you can post examples of work and professional insights and network.

1. Manage your time. One of the best parts, and the most challenging parts, of freelancing is that you get to make your own schedule. Many find that they need some sort of structure in their day, and for this reason it’s important to have the right time management software. This will notify you of calls, deadlines, track how long you work on a project and more.

4. Keep track of finances. For a lot of freelancers who are on the creative side of things, keeping track of finances can be a real challenge. Not only do you have to manage invoices, expenses and make sure you’re getting paid, you also have to keep taxes in mind.

2. Get the right laptop. A laptop is your office, your meeting room, your library, and so much

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The right software, running on the right computer, and a place you can work are the cornerstones of a successful freelance gig. From there, all that’s needed is your talent and determination!

May 2018

Puzzles & Games

Sudoku for May

Mothers’ Day Word Search

Numbers from 1-9 must appear only once in each row, column and box. Good Luck!

Solution is on our website www.EstrellaPublishing.com

3

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2 9

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Sudoku Solution 6

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8 4 3 6 1 9 5 2 7

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May 2018

MS tried to

silence me.

But

I won’t let it.

Kim

PML survivor. Mom. Diagnosed in 2000.

Explore powerful stories of people doing whatever it takes at nationalMSsociety.org/ kim

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May 2018

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