Moving On

Friendships are an essential part of living a fulfilling life. The problem is, no one really talks about how to evaluate your friendships and let go of the ones that are no longer adding value to your life. Danielle Bayard Jackson, Bumble For Friends’ expert, shares her advice on how to assess your friendships so that you can find peace in letting go of the ones you’ve outgrown. She suggests starting by asking yourself these questions:

• Does the friendship feel like an obligation? Many people have circumstantial friendships, meaning relationships that are mostly based on convenience, such as taking the same classes or having the same hobbies. When these friendships become obligatory, and you maintain them out of a sense of duty, it’s time to reassess.

• Why are you maintaining the friendship?

One of the most common reasons why people hold on to friendships that no longer serve them is that they feel they owe it to history. If the reasons you’ve elected to keep a friendship don’t include a value-add to your life, then it might be time to mend or end the relationship.

• What is maintaining the friendship costing you? Holding on to a friendship that you aren’t genuinely interested in maintaining can lead to resentment, as you’re investing time, energy and emotional bandwidth that you most likely can’t afford. There are only so many hours in the day, so it’s important to focus on friendships that positively impact your life.

If you decide that it’s time to part ways, Jackson recommends a three-step formula:

* Show that you’re intentional about the decision. Say, “Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot lately....”

* Address your needs without blaming the other person. Use ‘I’ statements as much as you can; try saying, “I need friendships in my life that can prioritize and support me in times of need.”

* Tell them how much you appreciate them and what your intention is for moving forward. This could be, “I have appreciated our friendship so much, and you have been such an integral part of my life. However, I won’t be able to show up in this friendship in the same way that I have before.”

Ending a friendship that no longer fits doesn’t make you mean or disloyal. Instead, it creates space for the both of you to be better positioned to invite new connections into your lives.