The gift of feedback

As Christmas approaches and you consider what to gift your nearest and dearest, I am pretty confident that ‘Feedback’ will not be on their ‘Amazon Wish List’.

ALTHOUGH THIS TIME OF YEAR typically coincides with end of year performance reviews, and whether the gift of feedback is well received or ends up being cast aside or sold in the next car boot is often determined by your approach to feedback.

To help, here are my top tips:

Why are you giving the feedback?

Feedback should be in service of the individual either for their personal or professional development. Ask yourself how your feedback is helping the individual/organisation – if this is difficult to articulate, then it will be difficult for the receiver to understand and act on. If the individual can’t understand or act on the feedback –why are you giving it?

Timing and circumstance

Feedback should be as immediate as possible, performance reviews should be a summary of the feedback received throughout the year and nothing new

By LYANN FARRELLY

should be shared at this point. Try to make the circumstances as comfortable as possible, by allowing privacy and time. Anticipate that this is a conversation not a presentation and allow time for response and reaction of the receiver.

Avoid judgement and be curious

You will be a lot clearer and less likely to get a defensive response, if you focus on the behaviour and the impact of the behaviour on your organisation without adding a layer of judgement (if you cannot think of an impact on the business but it’s just an annoyance perhaps this isn’t feedback for them but information for you!)

As, this is a conversation not a presentation it requires you to be curious about the feedback you are giving, and potentially acknowledge any responsibility you or the organisation may have.

Accept emotions

If it is difficult to say, the message will be difficult to hear and may illicit an emotional response. This emotion, potentially anger, frustration and disappointment in themselves may be aimed at you as the giver of the message. Try to stay calm and not defensive. If needed, take a break or a moment to collect yourselves, but never leave things unresolved.

I am not entirely sure which leaves me feeling more uncomfortable giving or receiving feedback. Here are my tips for those moments when that feedback, solicited or otherwise, comes your way:

Breathe and stay calm. You don’t want to let your reptilian/monkey brain (the amygdala) be responsible for your response. Breathing helps you regulate the amygdala’s response to perceived threat and allows you to engage your more rational brain.

Listen, to everything! Pay attention to what is being said and how it makes you feel. If you are defending yourself, you are not listening. There is a reason you are receiving this feedback; it may not be ‘fair’ or ‘justified’ or even accurate, but you won’t know this if you jump to defend yourself.

Acknowledge their truth. Ooh this is tough! Someone tells you that you hurt their feelings, but you were just joking, you feel they are being oversensitive, but that doesn’t matter. As a rule of thumb if someone tells you that they feel an emotion – that is real and it makes no difference if you agree or disagree, so accept it is their truth!

Process. Don’t feel the need to immediately acquiesce and promise to change. Just as you shouldn’t immediately defend yourself. You may need time to calm down, check facts, or you may not be able or willing to address the feedback right now. Also don’t be afraid to ask for clarity or examples to help your understanding.

Always respond. People say that feedback is a gift, even if it is an unwelcome gift, but even unsolicited/unhelpful feedback has a story to tell. Say ‘thank you’ and either commit to change or not (either of these options come with consequences that you should take time to make sure you are comfortable with)

Do not respond to feedback with feedback – at this point no one is listening!

Be kind. Even if you don’t feel like kindness is being extended to you. Giving feedback is difficult and sometimes people are clumsy when delivering it. You are not responsible for their behaviour, but you are responsible for yours.

Giving and receiving feedback IS HARD! It takes practice and emotions will often get the better of us. Although, if done with the individual’s best interest at the core of your approach - feedback truly is a gift.

Lyann Farrelly

Thursday’s Child

Coaching and Consulting 07907 648960 thursdayschildcoaching.co.uk

Executive Coaching

Become the best version of yourself and realise your full potential as a leader. Helping you articulate your values, your vision, your beliefs and your leadership goals.

Team Coaching

Achieve optimum team performance, becoming a high performing and dynamic team who are able to work productively together to achieve goals and surpass organisational objectives.

Lyann Farrelly, Founder and Director

Organisation Coaching

Take your organisation to the next level, increase engagement and productivity by investing in your company culture and learning and development.

“There are many distinct methods of Executive Coaching and, as an Accredited Foundation Executive Coach, with over 20 years of experience, I am perfectly placed to help your organisation reach its goals.”

Simply call me today on: 07907 648960 or visit: www.thursdayschildcoaching.co.uk