The Record November 2012 issue 17

theRecord

Issue 17 November 2012

The free magazine for law-abiding people facing discrimination and inequality as a result of a criminal record

In this issue...

2. Editors’ Welcome 3. Martina Cole Interview 6. Women in Prison Conference 9. Giggly Pig 10. Deb N Heirs 11 Sarah’s Bag 12. More than Just Getting a Job 15. The Day I Lost My Id 17. Clean Break

e u s s i s ’ n e m o W ial c e sp d r eco R e th

e h t

Copyright the artist, courtesy Sadie Coles HQ, London.

Editors’ Welcome “Lesser men are terrified of the true feminine because they cannot contain it and from this place of fear they seek to control and limit it.”

Vagina, Naomi Wolfe

[ Hello ] Welcome to the first ever ‘women’s only’ edition of theRecord, endorsed

by Martina Cole, with an exclusive interview of Martina. This special issue has been guest edited by Farah Damji.

For the first time ever, fabulous femme ex-offenders share their untold stories in theRecord.

Special thanks to artist Sarah Lucas – curator of ‘Free’ an exhibition of offender art by Koestler at the Southbank. And James at Sadie Coles HQ for supplying us with the fantastic cover art.

Farah Damji, Guest Editor

Erica Crompton, Editor

Cover Image

This issue will highlight the way systemic abuse and entrenched violence in our public institutions and our personal lives impacts against women.

Care not custody The mental health needs of female defendants require diversion into community based services to deal with lifelong trauma, discrimination and victimisation. 67% of women in prison have at least one identifiable mental disorder. Diversion was promised as a joint initiative with the Department of Health in April 2011, not enough has been done to effect change or policy.

Sarah Lucas Beefcocktitbuster 2012 concrete boots, bucket, lights, coat hanger, bulbs, wire sculpture: 198 x 45 x 47 cm / 78 x 17 ¾ x 18 ½ in plinth: 45 x 45 x 1 cm / 17 ¾ x 17 ¾ in Installation view, Sarah Lucas, Beefcocktitbuster, St John Hotel, October 2012 Copyright the artist, courtesy Sadie Coles HQ, London

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The lack of safe bail accommodation Over half of women entering custody each year do so on remand. These women spend an average of four to six weeks in prison and nearly 60% do not go on to receive a custodial sentence.

Disproportionately punitive sentencing for female defendants In the last decade the women’s prison population has gone up by 33%. In 1995 the mid-year female prison population was 1,979. In 2000 it stood at 3,355 and in 2007 it was 4,283. Today it is 4,800. Most women serve very short sentences. In 2009 61% were sentenced to custody for six months or less. 27% of women in prison had no previous convictions – more than double the figure for men.

Suffer the children The children of low level female offenders are also punished. 66% of women prisoners are mothers, and each year it is estimated that more than 17,700 children are separated from their mothers by imprisonment. 37% of women lose all their possessions and their homes whilst they are in prison.

They are more likely to be locked up for low level, non violent crimes than men.

The financial case for reformation The cost of keeping a woman in custody is in excess of £56 000 per year. The average cost of a community sentence is £750 - £1000. Community Sentences have consistently delivered better outcomes in reducing reoffending in women. The long term cost to society of a woman with a one year prison sentence is over £10 million over ten years (Unlocking Value, nef).

In womanity,

Farah and Erica

Martina Cole

Q&A Interviewed by Farah Damji

Martina Cole – the crime writer who “tells it like it really is” - was born and brought up in Essex.

She is the bestselling author of fourteen novels set in London’s gangland, and her most recent three paperbacks have gone straight to No. 1 in the Sunday Times on first publication. Total sales of Martina’s novels stand at over eight million copies. Here she speaks to theRecord about her work for the women’s special issue.

How does your environment affect you?

I think that your environment always affects an author’s writing, its what you know.

How do you research your female protagonists?

I research in lots of ways. I often look through books on psychology etc.

Mostly I just create the women, flaws and all!!

What’s your interest in women in the Criminal Justice System?

I do as much as I can for women’s plight, from one parent families – women in prison to women in refuges

– it’s amazing how often these things go hand in hand.

What do you think are the first steps to reform?

I think the first step to reform is WANTING to change your life for the better.

What are you working on at the moment?

I’m working on a film at the moment.

I’m finishing my new book, called Payback. A story of revenge. I’ve also been putting the finishing touches to Dangerous Lady, which has been adapted for the stage at the Theatre Royal Stratford East.

How do you relate to your female protagonists?

I think I understand my women because I come from a similar background, of course that will influence my work.

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

What normally gets me out of bed in the morning is work. It’s a hectic life these days but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

What makes you smile?

My children and my grandchildren make me smile, corny but true!

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Sorrows to Follow, HMP Send, Margaret Wignall Highly Commended Award for Portraits

4 images courtesy of the Koestler Trust

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Women In Prison Conference Kelly

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I was asked by Jo-Anne the manager of the Oasis project if on Tuesday 13th September 2011, I would like to attend a conference in London with her in reference to do with women in prison.

Questions had been sent to women in prison, to be read out by members of the audience. I had been asked if I would read one.

read out for one of the prisoners. The event was being recorded. My initial thought was I can’t do this if the whole nation is going to see it, what if I stutter or make a mistake or even forget what I was going to say, I started to panic just slightly so I studied the question that needed to be read out; at least if I remembered it I couldn’t go wrong.

Firstly I was so grateful to even be asked to go such an important event, I was thrilled and excited, then the nerves kicked in because I didn’t know what to expect. I knew there was going to be a panel there but I didn’t know exact numbers that were going to turn up. I have got a big mouth at the best of times and sometimes I never shut up, most of it waffle mind you but to speak out in front of so many people made me quite anxious and excited but all in a good way. I just looked forward to the day of the conference, still wondering what would be said, the sorts of things people could ask, say and even if I would have the courage to say anything, ask anything or even give a important response that I felt strongly about.

The question was to Eoin McLennon Murray, head of the Prison Governors Association, who was on the panel, it read:

At the conference I was really surprised by the turn out, the people that attended obviously cared about what was going on in our criminal justice system and the fact that there were women in jail and maybe most them shouldn’t be. The lady that had organised the conference came over and gave me a little slip of paper with a question on it that she would like me to

After listening to the other panellists’ and hearing one of the girls speak out about her life experience and working with the Oasis project, I suddenly had this burst of confidence. I put my hand straight back up and started reeling off my life story about my experience of being a heroin addict on and off for 12 years and the lack of support which I really needed at the time. The kids had

“Why does probation constantly over populate our prisons for breaching? If circumstances were taken into consideration sometimes the reasons should be valid and recognised. After all it costs over £53,000 to the tax player to put/keep someone in prison for a year.”

His reply was, that was a very good question that he strongly agreed with and said probation holds too much power when it comes to breaching.

Some of the reasons that land women in jail should be explored a little deeper.

been placed with my mum because I made one stupid mistake. The crimes I committed including, one which meant that I was up before different judges four times in nine months for shoplifting. Three of them had given me fines as punishments and on the other one they had given me an electronic tag for three months. Why they did that no-one knows not even my solicitor at the time, because my crimes were committed in the day, the tag curfew was for the evening so that made no sense what-

Full Moon and Fire Flies, HMP Bronzefield, Watercolour

images courtesy of the Koestler Trust

soever. No mental help or any help for my drug addiction was offered. The only thing the tag did was add fuel to fire and made me worse. Not once through my criminal proceedings did anyone mention a DRR (Drug Rehabilitation Requirement), it was a friend that told me about them. When I got arrested again and got put before the judge, I myself asked for DRR bearing in mind I hardly knew what one consisted of.

The point I wanted to get across in

the conference was that these issues need to be talked about more in court, it won’t solve the problem but it will stop women with first time offences going to jail. Like one of the points discussed in the conference, there is a man on the street with nine GBH/Assaults on his criminal record and he still hasn’t been to jail.

[

A woman gets the first GBH on her record as her first offence and she goes to jail.

[

The Judge’s reply, at the time was women shouldn’t be seen to commit this sort of offence, that’s why she went to jail, to teach her a lesson; where’s the justice in that?

There was another story that was talked about by one of the panellists and that was of a young lady that went to prison, her mum went in every week to visit her but the young woman was having a really bad time in prison and in the end she ended up commit-

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ting suicide. A high number of female inmates self harm whist in jail. The mum visited her daughter’s grave everyday and in the end the mum ended up committing suicide as well, on her daughter’s grave. I think a lot of these situations can be prevented if the government put a little more time and money into the reasons why women are in jail and, if there is any way jail can be a very last resort.

Gothalicious, HMP Send, Needlecraft

There was another point I wanted to make at the conference but I got brain freeze and I forgot. On the street they say that if I went into rehab I would lose my flat. I think that’s unfair because for some of us that’s all we have left and to lose that would just be a massive knock down, because we could go into rehab and come back out to our own apartments instead of being placed in a hostel where its full of addicts and we’re likely to relapse.

Overall I’m glad I went to this conference, I learnt a great deal. I would support this, day in, day out. I’m a mum of two wonderful, intelligent children, I have had a drug problem ever since I understood what happened to me when I was 8 years old. I have made some mistakes and some very bad choices, but right now I’m trying my hardest to kick my addiction. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hope whatever situation I got in, a judge wouldn’t just throw me in jail, I would hope they would try everything going first. I do know one day I will kick this addiction and it will be for good so I will be good enough to get my kids back because when I’m good with my kids, I’m good.

images courtesy of the Koestler Trust

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From Prison Slop to Organic Sausages, the story of Giggly Pig Tracey Mackness I was born in Essex and grew up with my family who had a fruit and veg stand. At an early age we were put to work on the market. My Dad was in and out of prison for things such as hijacking lorries when I was growing up. I had one younger brother. When I was 16 my Dad sold the business after his last spell in prison. And I went off in a different direction then. Doing cashin-hand jobs to get by as I’d always thought the family business would be my bread and butter for life. But now it wasn’t.

When I was 24 years old, I got married and divorced within one year.

Then at 31, I married again – and just like the last one, he was undesirable too. Shortly afterwards, I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in psychiatric unit. Later, when I was 36 I met someone else who took me on the journey I am on today.

He was importing drugs into the country. I ended up with a 10 year

prison sentence for importing cannabis into the country. Looking back, I was in too deep and didn’t quite realise what I was getting into.

In hindsight, I feel the punishment was quite harsh. But the amount of cannabis I was helping import was one tonne, it was quite a lot. I played a role. It was a deterrent sentence and it worked.

I left prison with qualifications that I hadn’t left school with. I trained to become a butcher. I put my time in prison to use. Getting 10 years was probably the best thing that happened to me. I’ve managed to carve a career out for myself.

On leaving prison, I bought 30 pigs from the prison to start up my business and now I’ve got my own pig farm.

I’ve been out of prison for 5 and a half years. My autobiography comes out soon it’s called Pigs Might Fly. In 2007 I won the Barclays Trading Places award with the Sun newspaper – it gained me a lot of recognition and media attention.

www.gigglypig.co.uk

Then one of the men from Barclays bank wanted to write a book and asked if I would work with him using my story.

The first publishing house he went to brought it straight away.

I’d like people to be optimistic, not too negative. Get out there and get out – the youth of today don’t seem to have that spirit I don’t think they are that driven. They need to have it drummed into them at an early age. When I look around and see what I’ve achieved I think that anyone can do it with enough drive.

There was not much further I could have gone down. The only way to get forward was to make the best of a bad situation. I proved people wrong – six years ago I was in prison and no one believed I could start my own pig farm.

Now it wakes me up in the morning.

That and the ability I have to want to succeed. I’ve come along way but plan to take things further. I still have plans for my own sausage and mash cafe one day.

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DEBNHEIRS Deborah Sibley

My name is Debs and I want to tell you about my story...

By the time I was a teenager I had just about given up on my life. Having constantly clashed with my family throughout my teens I was eventually fostered by my best friend’s mother.

Although happy there, I fell pregnant at a young age and moved out to start a family with the father. However, after growing apart we separated and my daughter and I began living alone in a council house in Beaumont Leys. Life was a struggle. I was in debt, trying to live off £20 a week and was surrounded by harmful people. I wanted more from my life but I didn’t know how to get it and couldn’t see a way out.

There had been a murder on the street where I lived and this encouraged me to move away into the city centre. I managed to find a job working in a bar, which made me feel so much happier and in control of things.

I met my husband and fell pregnant again so things were going well for me for a while. But then my boss began to bully me at work. I lost my unborn baby and hit rock bottom. A feeling of loss and overwhelming sadness hit me and my family hard, and the anxiety I had felt before was stronger than ever. Feeling desperate and trapped I turned to alcohol and drugs which began to get me into trouble with the Police. My husband was in and out of court for violence and drinking at the time. Basically because of the bullying at work and losing the baby we got into drugs and we were arguing a lot and the family involved the social services. The police were coming to the house because of the arguments. We had a child there too.

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It was then an Outreach Worker from the ‘Just Women’ project contacted me. We’d had a social worker out which worried us as things were getting out of hand and through my housing officer and social worker we met this outreach worker who I will call Helen. I knew that my family and I needed help and I could really open up to Helen. I realised that this was not a way for a young woman to live, so I enrolled on the project. I didn’t want my life to go downhill any more.

I wanted to change quite early on but it was difficult to split away from my ex partner.

‘Just Women’ was my saving grace.

It’s run by a charity called New Dawn New Day, which is based in Braunstone but works with women and their families from across Leicester and Leicestershire. The project provides a range of support services for people like me including money advice, one-to-one support, independent life skills and healthy living sessions. It was here that I met a fantastic woman who gave me counselling. She taught me to allow time for myself, to focus on ambitions, surround myself with positive people and to accept the good things in life. Helen gave me the support and understanding that I needed to let whatever was hurting me out and the courage to begin to turn my life around.

While on the project I discovered skills and confidence that I didn’t know I had. As a result I felt inspired to start up my own photography business.

Since then I haven’t looked back. My company, ‘Debnheirs’ is going really well. It’s peak season for weddings at the moment so we are very busy and I’ve already received bookings for 2016!

Hopefully my story goes to show, if you are passionate about changing your life, you can. Help is out there.

Through the Just Women project I have managed to turn my life around.

With the confidence, motivation, skills and experiences I gained from the project, I now have a company to be proud of, a better relationship with my partner and my kids and a bright future for myself and my children to look forward to.

Women have to find the help themselves. It didn’t get help in my lap - rather I had to admit that I needed help first.

Visit Deb’s website at www.debnheirs.co.uk or for more information about starting up your own company with Just Women or New Dawn New Day visit www.ndnd.org.uk

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Sarah’s Bag Sarah’s Bag produce and sell feminine, fresh, and fashionable bags. For the past 11 years, owner Sarah Beydoun has made it her mission to work with women prisoners, providing them with opportunities that result in a steady income and a stable job after their release. Sarah realized that it is her duty and the duty of her community to also improve the living conditions of these women inside the prison. The hard work and effort of these women is a major part of the ever-growing success of Sarah’s Bag. Today, and as a tribute to their resilience and perseverance, Sarah’s Bag is giving these prisoners a chance to improve their life conditions in prison by beading pouches that would be sold by Sarah’s Bag. All

proceeds will go directly to the Dar Al Amal organization to finance the three rehabilitation programs in Baabda prison, Lebanon: 1. Providing legal support to the prisoners.

2. Rehabilitation of the Baabda prison.

3. Providing medical support.

Sympathizing with the prisoners is one thing, while taking simple actions in order to make a change in these women’s lives is what matters most.

Each piece requires 10 to 15 days of meticulous embroidering, beading, crocheting, and hand stitching to produce.

Founder Sara Beydoun studied sociology at the American University of Beirut. After she earned her master’s degree with a thesis on female prostitution and women prisoners in Lebanon, she realized she could do something to improve the conditions in

which women in Lebanese prisons were being held.

Sarah decided to set up her company as part of a rehabilitation programme, whereby women at risk from economic depravation or the stigma of having served time in prison would learn valuable skills in return for a reliable income and a stable source of pride, dignity, and empowerment. In the process, these women would be helping to revamp the centuries’ old traditions of artisans and textile makers in the Middle East for the purpose of invigorating contemporary fashion. The arrangement turned out to be successful, innovative, and highly efficient.

For more information please see www.sarahsbag.com

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More than Just Getting a Job? Sarah Viney There is a never ending emphasis on the benefits of gaining employment especially when it comes to crime reduction. Increasing employability has become a mutual goal for those involved with sentence planning from the very beginning with questions surrounding previous employment in a ‘pre-sentence’ report, throughout the incarceration period when interventions include ‘preparation for employment’ and ‘focus on resettlement,’ right up to when the reduction in risk factors are calculated by attempting to quantify how much you are likely to enter a job upon release.

The benefits of employment are huge to a lot of people of course – benefits include building new friendships and learning new skills that increase ‘self-worth’ and ‘confidence’.

They include an increase in income that can help with debt, and benefits.

They include filling the ‘empty’ space within time – the time alone thinking, blaming, searching for something, trying to figure it all out. However employment can also deprive people of reaching the goals that matter most in life. It is increasingly difficult for the majority in today’s society, with increasing demands on organisations,

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for employees (especially women with children) to achieve a healthy work-life balance. Relationships break down and children suffer.

I was driving on the motorway today and ‘trying to figure it all out’ – I imagined the motorway stretching towards the sea and all the cars were travelling forwards just like our lives ageing. Everyone travels in the same direction although each has a different destination. In life we are all travelling the same way but journeys take various routes and some are longer than others. Feel the frustrations of traffic, queuing for miles, what if this is like employment? Moving happily for so long when it begins to rain heavily, one of the exits closes due to flooding, increasing numbers travelling towards the next, one gets distracted with the back wipers, a pile up, stand still.

No matter how much you planned your journey that morning ‘you are stuck.’

I have always been a big believer in a ‘can do attitude.’ I have achieved so much through this attitude myself including published work in a selfhelp booklet for women that won an NHS Innovation Award and I am now approaching my final year at one of the most prestigious Universities in England. After flying up that motorway I am moving, getting closer to where I want to be, however after applying

for a graduate training scheme and coming to a ‘stand still’ this morning even I am questioning whether I ‘can do.’ How can we ever progress if others do not ‘support’ that opportunity? We can be in control, we can change our behaviour and we can learn skills like better coping strategies. We can become emotionally aware and focus on our future, plan as good if not better than any other, and ‘believe’ in ourselves. However we need society to create equilibrium by also building on awareness, by becoming fair and honest in their policies, by supporting and encouraging goals, and by becoming a driver of ‘selfbelief.’ There are still so many ‘gaps’ in opportunities of inclusion.

How can a company say on their website how much: ‘we are proud to be a diverse business. Without an inclusive policy, we would miss out on significant talent within the community. In the UK we have the most socially diverse customer base of any retailer and we want our workforce to reflect the communities we serve.’

Then refuse someone the opportunity to apply for a graduate training scheme on the basis of them having an unspent criminal conviction.

If they were to reflect on their

‘emotional’ awareness they would be answering questions such as ‘Why are we including this policy?’ And looking within at ‘Who will benefit from this policy?’ I feel that some companies are more than willing to employ exoffenders in low level employment, paying minimum wage, in order to achieve ‘corporate responsibility’ status within [their] communities (which in itself is debatable).

research studies to have an impact on mental health and emotional wellbeing, not just on offenders but on society at large. Bring on David Cameron’s Happiness Survey?!! I would personally like to see the ‘Big Society’ doing more towards ensuring equal opportunity where it doesn’t just settle for allowing ex-offenders and other groups the ‘opportunity’ to clean toilets for a living.

An issue I am increasingly passionate about is how some of these low level entry positions can add to the many factors related to persistent offending OR first time offending; low self-esteem, financial difficulty.

And in particular these types of ‘employment opportunities,’ if they deserve to be called this, are well known in several

Ignorance of those left behind can impact upon those ‘high flyers.’

Mental Health of employees costs businesses an estimated £26 billion a year in absenteeism and reduced productivity.

If companies were honest with themselves about why they choose to have inclusion policies, just like if an individual were honest with themselves about what they have responsibility for, then the answers can be reflected upon, thought about and built upon. Risks may have to be taken, anxieties may have to be felt and channelled positively, but the rewards can be massive, and ‘can’ be achieved instead of arriving at a ‘stand still.’

Investments present an element of risk. Investing in an individual feels a lot more rewarding than investing on the stock exchange as it is investing in a life, a ‘being,’ a ‘community,’ that can have so many rewards and create a ripple effect. You get out what you put in! Speculate to accumulate. Just think about what you can put into an employer-employee relationship. Trust, empathy, support, encouragement, belief. And risks can be pooled. There are opportunities of government support for companies with the ‘development’ of employees so in all honesty the risks don’t have to be that great. The hard work would be about adapting the organisation to fit in with the current Government Work Programme.

This is exactly what I had in mind for the position that I wanted to apply for.

I would have taken my own initiatives, worked in my own time on something I am passionate about, and developed policies and procedures that would adapt that company to support from the government in exchange for developing their workforce thus providing job ‘satisfaction’ and increasing productivity. Creating an environment that deeply embeds the values surrounding ‘more than just a job.’ They have missed out on

continued...

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continued... my ‘talent.’ Oops I think they need to reflect upon the wording of their inclusion policy.

An interviewee answering a question relating to the ‘social evils’ of society suggested: ‘We are in danger of losing sight of what is important in life, like kindness, playfulness, generosity and friendship. The immaterial things that can’t be bought and sold. We can quantify money better than we can quantify happiness and contentment. So we chase it, rather like a rainbow, deceiving ourselves that it will deliver that elusive happiness and contentment.’ (JRF)

be built upon. What is on the inside should be made a priority. This entails supporting a comprehensive (holistic) work-life balance to enable growth both within and without.

I would like to see the term ‘employer engagement’ as related to more than just a ‘contract’ – ‘more than just getting a job.’ I want to see employers feed enthusiasm and self-belief.

Therefore, ‘Employer Engagement’ ought to practice what it preaches A ‘relationship,’ NOT, just a formal contract between employer and employee! To be ‘engaged’ means more than just a formal contract it can encompass support and encouragement both ways. For instance the employer supports and encourages development within the individual and the individual supports and encourages development within the company. An honest reflection of ‘work-life’ balance and support based practices. This way there are no losers. There needs to be a balance.

Just as within an ‘engagement’ to be married if one member takes more than what the other is able to give then the relationship will break down and suffer ‘emotional’ repercussions that can impact negatively elsewhere on the individual and/or on the organisation.

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A productive and happy workforce is not all about what’s on the outside – the qualifications and experience (or should this be appearance?), although these compliment it. It’s about developing foundations that can

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Indigenous Boy, HMP Downview, Nick Le Mesurier Commended Award for Portraits

The Day I Lost My Id! Sarah Hastings

images courtesy of the Koestler Trust

The Freudian definition of id is the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains a human’s basic, instinctual drives.

Life happens. Well at least we say it does. Truth is, life did just keep happening – to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to bore you with some woe is me, my childhood is to blame type tale. This is simply about the day I lost my id.

I’ll tell you briefly because I have gone through far too much counseling, too many group sessions, one-to-ones, forensic therapy sessions, focusing on the action of my crime and supposedly the reasons why. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I had to go through the various methods of therapy and I have learned a lot from them. I regret

what I did and as the old cliché goes, if I could turn back the clock I would.

Here is a brief history of my life before the fatal day.

I’m a mum, and a good one at that considering I lost mine when I was four.

Understandably I had no maternal instinct or inclination. I would have had a termination if it wasn’t for the fact that I was twenty three weeks pregnant when I found out I was carrying a child who would affectionately become known as my one son.

My baby girl came along ten years later.

Life was fun. I was young, performing gigs with two different bands, doing backing vocal session work in studios, working nine to five, partying and single.

The biological donor of my son (my son’s words not mine) was not interested in becoming a father.

Anyway, it wasn’t a big love affair so when he said he’d had a vasectomy (27yrs old-yeah right!) I accepted it and went on my merry way.

In my early teenage years I was raped on more than one occasion, lost my best friend in a train accident,

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went to boarding school, became devoted to listening to Billie Holiday and watching old black and white movies. I was in love with Axel Rose, Michael Schumacher and Robert De Niro. I needed this type of escapism because most of the men in my life were not very nice.

Looking back, being told I’m “too fat” when I was 5’8 and a size 10 wasn’t a reason to do an extra 5K on the treadmill in order to keep someone more insecure than myself happy. I was fooled with the “it’s only because I love you”.

I did not realize it then but this was all a prelude to my accepting the brutal, mental, physical and sexual abuse I would experience at a time in my life when things should have been pretty good.

I fell in love. Hook, line and the rest.

He had green eyes, silver hair and

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loved Arsenal FC as much as I did.

I’m not exactly sure when it happened, it just did. Slowly over time.

Mental before physical, then sexual after physical.

Once I had been subjected to the mental abuse for a long period of time I welcomed the physical as a Godsend because I knew it would stop, be it even at the point of death while losing consciousness. Because of the phone wire wrapped around my throat, or the unloaded gun which I believed was loaded (compliments of his mate Derek from Deptford) being held to my head . Or being pushed over a balcony from the second floor (teeth still missing).

Whatever takes his fancy but, soon I know it will stop.

When the raping begins, I am devoid of all feeling.

This person, the womanizer, the degrader, the drug taking once love of my life who rapes me for fun, beats me for pleasure, who humiliates me by sleeping with my friends, next door neighbour and random innocents.

This man now controls my whole being. It is a symbiotic relationship which finally takes over and strips me of the last vestiges of the person I once was. This man, for some screwed up reason, I now think I cannot live without him, for some screwed up reason I still think I love him.

The day I lost my id was a fatal one. I stabbed him, God knows I never meant to kill him.

I went to prison. I have many labels now.

I have my id back.

Clean Break Lisa Jones I was born in Somerset to a fairly normal family, youngest out of five. It was a nice upbringing and materially we were okay. Initially I went to state school. But I started getting into trouble at 11 and 12 years old, smoking cannabis and drinking.

Then Dad sent me to an independent school. I was getting bullied there and then I started to have big problems with my Dad as I wanted to change schools. Also I didn’t really feel supported by my Mum. Things went bad from there.

I had a very low sense of self worth and started seeking it outside the family home. I started getting into relationships with men who were involved in substances – I was really drawn to that. Looking back I can see the direction I was going. I was thrown out of home at 14 and moved in with a career criminal involved in drugs. Then I started to get involved.

Already by 16, I was using drugs every weekend although I did get my GCSEs. I was enjoying myself and working in pubs – I was quite outgoing and

confident. Then I met my son’s Dad and he was an addict although I didn’t realise it at the time. By the time I was pregnant it was too late. I got caught selling drugs at a festival and got a custodial sentence. My son was 8 months old at the time. So initially I went to prison for young offenders as I was 20 at the time. I got 18 months. I served 9 months. I feel it wasn’t fair – it was my first offence and I had an 8 month old baby.

I didn’t feel supported in prison and felt even more lost. All it had done was take me out of society and there was no guidance of how to get back in. My first thought was to get wasted as I didn’t know how to cope.

My son and I ended up in a mother and baby unit and that helped.

I heard about Clean Break in prison, although I was into drugs for a while afterwards, but I finally got in touch. At the time I was in Dorset. My son was living with my parents. I really felt I needed to start a fresh and wanted to move to London and wanted to focus on working with Clean Break.

touch with them. I love them so much.

I was so broken at the time. I feel they gave me my life back and now I’ve managed to stay clean for a year. My daughter stays with me. Now I see my son more regularly. I went from no confidence to speaking at the Houses of Parliament advocating Clean Break’s work. I have performed on stage.

Today, I’m starting an art foundation course at an adult college. Clean Break were the bridge that I needed to get from the lifestyle I was living back into the real world. That’s what Clean Break did for me. It was a safe, honest and open environment with similar people to me.

Other women can learn that change is possible. At my lowest, I was a heroin addict sleeping rough on the streets. Any outsider would think that I wouldn’t get out of that. But I believe if a person puts enough effort into change they can do anything.

For more information on Clean Break visit www.cleanbreak.org.uk

In November 2009 I finally got in

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My Journey Memory Bag, HMP & YOI Drake Hall, Mary Archer Platinum Award for Fashion

Orange Squeezer, HMP Downview, Pottery

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images courtesy of the Koestler Trust

Modern Day Gio Conda, HMP Send, Portraits

19 images courtesy of the Koestler Trust

Mother and Child, HMP & YOI Holloway, Sculpture

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All images from women in prison, including this one, courtesy of Koestler Trust.