Blastbeats and Bodyslams 3 - Total Nonstop Awkward

Blastbeats and Bodyslams 3: Total Nonstop Awkward

A brief look into the bits of TNA that were god-awful but somehow fell under the radar

What is up fellow wrestling fans, people who thought this was a music-issue, and people who are not into wrestling at all but support the idea of Me having a hobby So I got bored of waiting on Issue 8 and 9 to be finished so did a few to keep my occupied during the downtime. Seeing as Issue 11 came out not long ago you probably acknowledge I've sat on this for a bit.

Forever tempted by low-hanging fruit, I thought I'd go for an easy target and look at the veryworst of pro wrestling (again). To be honest, over the last 25 years there has been enough crap to write an encyclopedia on the subject, so this issue SHOULD be like shooting fish in a barrel.

And there is no greater barrel than the TNA back-catalogue of programming. Formed in 2002 as a Frankenstein's monster of Independent Talent, Free Agents and ex-WCW castoffs that not even WWE wanted to go near, TNA spent years being considered as being on the cusp of competing with the WWE and providing a viable alternative to the WWE. Despite support from a big-investor, a major network deal, an audience that desperately wanted them to succeed and the pick of the crop from the US Independent scene, TNA were just gluttons for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

I'm not talking breaking a few eggs to make an omelette either, I'm talking prolonged and systematic terrible decisions made by people that should have never been entrusted with such decisions to start with. Sometimes it felt like they'd set themselves on fire if it In this issue, we raise a glass to the Little Engine that Could, but on several occasions chose not to.

To emulate the feel of a classic episode of TNA impact, I've packed far too much content into this book, the content isn't always consistent and may even go off on a tangent at points.

TNA ALUMNI OF SHAME Yep, here is the bit where we muse over some of TNA's more embarassing "Talent Acquisitions", not the ones that didn't work out as planned, I'm talking the ones that made TNA look like fools at their own game.

Junior Fata (A.k.a. Rikishi) Was booked to work without a contract, only to be released when he held them up for more money.

Adam "Pac Man Jones Suspended from the NFL over his involvement in a Nightclub shooting, only to be signed to a lucrative contract which was hamstrung by his NFL contract that prohibited him from wrestling. Somehow, TNA was seen as beneath Pacman, an ex-felon with a known attitude problem.

Sean Morley (A.k.a. Val venis) Left after 1 week when he realised his bookings in Mexico would be affected.

Matt Morgan They spent years making this guy look like the Mutt’s nuts, only he couldn't really wrestle that great, he couldn't draw flies to a sack of poo and left without really leaving any trace. “the punisher” andrew martin (a.k.a. Test) Lasted one set of TV tapings and a PPV before being sent home over steroid issues.

The Nasty Boys Old, Overweight, generally terrible people, nothing to offer and no interest in their arrival.

Black Reign (A.k.a. Goldust) The overweight and non-copyright-infringing corpse of Goldust.

Jonny Fairplay I don't know who the heck this guy is, but they aren't a wrestler. Used for about 40 minutes of TV and paid about $450,000 over two years for the privilege of doing so. Apparently lied about his Grandmother dying on TV, definite the kind of person you want to hire.

Jenna Morasca I don't know who she was, but she is responsible for giving TNA the worst match in wrestling history.

Garret Bischoff A prime example of a Dad trying to salvage the dumpster-fire that is their offspring's career.

Brooke Hogan Another example of above the above.

Lacey Von Erich Felt wrestling was beneath her to the point she never learnt how to, still wanted to capitalise on the Von Erich name though. Somehow managed to botch a Von-Erich Claw, universally disliked and known to be hard to deal with.

That time a commentator went off on one So in the days before AEW when he was a valid part of the AEW announce team, Tony Schivone was a WCW mainstay and ultimately one of many the WWE had no interest in once WCW went down the crapper.

And what is the cruel and unusual fate of every ex-WCW member of staff? Well, you have to serve time in TNA of course.

So the Percy Pringle (a.k.a Paul Bearer) is chilling in the ring, when this unemployed deadbeat Dad with frosted-tipsm a precision goatee, a KISS t-shirt and an garish Hawaiian shirt cruises strolls into the ring. Nope, it's not a sleazy Beach Club promoter, it was Tony Schiavone, who took umbrage to not having a job for a few years.

I'm pretty certain there was no story in this bit, but then again this is TNA and they'd batter their bollocks with a wrench if you watched it long enough.

So after a lengthy tirade about Percy kissing ass tooo much, Percy pretty much just ghosts him so proceeds to take a shot at Goldilocks (the in-ring interviewer), implying she was a lady of loose-morals and ended up in TNA because she had a amicable caboose and an acceptable bosom (not in those words though, would be a lot cooler if he did). Upon suggesting that Goldilocks (yep that was literally her name) should be handling something else other than a microphone (he's probably implying a willy, but this is not specifically stated), Mike Tenay says he has gone "too far" and comes into the ring to be berated as well. Mike Tenay then gets into a verbal scuffle, talking about betrayal and ass-kissing and all that jazz before Vince Russo enters the ring and makes the scenario infinitely worse. It turns out, there was ALWAYS a job for Tony, so long as he came back and took it; not that he did, as he wasn't seen on TNA TV again I don't think.

The Crowd was not into it at all, the crowd being so small that a singular gentleman shouting "WE WANT WRESTLING" was enough to drown out Tony for a brief moment. "Boring" chants quickly found their way through the building.

It's on youtubem do yourself a favour and refrain from watching it. Worse yet, Mike Tenay was a relatively respected announcer, you'd think they would refrain from doing something like this again......... or would they..........

That time a commentator went off on one... again Poor Mike Tenay, less than a few pages in and he's the target of yet another instance of being dragged out in TV. Now you see, the core of how most people would remember the TNA Broadcast team would be Mike Tenay and Don West. Mike Tenay was the the knowledge, experience and legitimacy to the progress. Don West was a home-shopping salesman who somehow ended up talking about wrestling.

He was regularly seen as the worst part on a show that was always a bit poo. Now Mike Tenay and Don got on incredibly well; despite their notable flaws as commentators, they always seemed to get on and were quite open about being mates outside of work.

Problem is, TNA wanted their own Heel/Face deal; JR had The King (or Paul Heyman), Michael Cole had JBL, Gorilla Monsoon had Jesse Ventura, and TNA thought it was a brilliant idea to have two people who seemed to get on quite well turn on eachother without any forewarning.

So we're on the set of Impact, Mike is running through the night's events when, from out of nowhere, Don starts getting really catty. Mike eventually asks why he's being like this, to which it goes full-Russo.

It turns out, not that Don came up in a "high level meeting" which Mike Tenay was sitting in on. Turns out, Don West took umbrage to Mike Tenay saying NOTHING in the meeting, the stance of remaining neutral akin in Don's mind to being stabbed in the back, to the point they aren't friends anymore.

The Stunt pretty much dies on its bum and was largely a way of transitioning Don West into a bad-guy lover; problem is, he doesn't know when to stop and over the next few weeks would have cheered puppies being kicked if the crowd booed enough. The height of his bad-guy ways? Leaving a pay-per-view mid-air and leaving Mike to announce the main event on his own.... awks.

Upside: Mike Tenay stopped being abused when Taz replaced Don; Don then went on to become a head of sales, confirming what we all knew that he should have never been on TV to start with.

That Time Randy Savage went a hole match just punching people.

So TNA were so buried into that old-Southern "Dubya See Dubya" mentality that it was only a matter of time before they started doing some weird Elvish-shit. How long?

Well they couldn't contain themselves and threw it out there at the very first event they put on.

But it had been a few years so they thought that it was important to revive the concept now they had some better stars on their roster.

Who did the use?

Yep, they wanted to use the Elvis bit on a Hall / Nash / Jarrett tandem. It's weird to think that Kevin Nash and Jarrett spent sizeable parts of their career trying to move away from terrible gimmicks, only to knowing throw themselves into one that was deemed main-event worthy years later.

This whole deal had zero buildup, Hall and Nash literally interfered in a Championship match between Jeff Jarrett and Jeff Hardy one day and that next they all come out in Elvis attire.

So how do we kill this deal off once for all, a 6-man tag match a month later of course.Jeff Hardy, having been screwed out of a title shot the month prior, was the first fit (also, his options were limited given his drug issues in WWE so they could rely on him for a bit longer); AJ Styles somehow ended up in the mix because he was a company-man and was down for absorbing all sorts of shit before eventually leaving for WWE. Now they could have included ANOTHER TNA guy to give them some of that sweet main-event experience, but this is TNA, and there are still former WCW guys they haven't ruined yet so they opted for someone different.

That person? MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE. Turns out he was available and saw this as the apex opportunity to get his name out there in anticipation of his hotly-anticipated Rap Album (Yes, take that in, he has a Rap Album. Nobody explained WHY Randy Savage, but I'm sure there was some convoluted reasoning as to why a legend was chiming in on a poorly built feud in a shitty regional promotion.

Now none of us expected Ricky Steamboat vs. Randy Savage from Wrestlemania 3, or even Randy Savage vs. Ultimate Warrior (or for that matter, Hulk Hogan vs. Ultimate Warrior), but fuck it, it's a nostalgia thing.

The reality is, there wasn't much buzz about this event anyway, so imagine buying this out of curiosity for the main to event to find.

RANDY SAVAGE HAS BEEN MYSTERIOUSLY KIDNAPPED AND WON'T BE IN THE MAIN EVENT. You can just imagine the "bullshit" chants echoing through the Impact Zone.

So AJ and Jaff stroll out and do their best given the weight, height and man disadvantage. They get beaten for most of the match until... with no entrance or forewarning.

RANDY SAVAGE APPEARS. IN STREET CLOTHES. NO WRESTLING GEAR AT ALL. AND A HUGE CHAIN. So he positions himself just in time to tag himself in, he's in the ring, energy is high (or at least as high as it would get at a TNA event at that time), are we going to see a signature elbow drop? Maybe some of his trademark ringwork?

I'll give you the transcript for the rest of the match.

Randy punches Jeff Randy punches Jeff Randy punches Scott Don West says "wow he's so fresh" Randy Punches Kevin Randy Punches Jeff Jeff puts Randy in a chokehold Randy puts Jeff in a chokehold Jeff puts Scott in a chokehold AJ puts Kevin in a chokehold Jeff irish whips Randy Jeff wraps Randy in a small package Randy punches Jeff Randy pins Jeff The Match ends This is like playing Street Fighter with your nephew, but he’s too young to know all the buttons so he just punches you indefinitely and somewhat managed to win.

This was Randy Savage’s last ever appearance in a wrestling ring. And he spent the whole match just punching.

Matches that definitely happened.

The best matches are the ones that are kept nice and simple; No DQ matches, Cage Matches, TLC Matches, they all have something that t he match focuses around, but it's kept simple so that we don't need an instruction manual to understand what the hell is going on.

Unfortunately TNA did not subscribe to this school of thought and throughout its history and churned out some proper stinkers; deliberately complicated rule-sets, ludicrous gimmicks, impractical surroundings, or sometimes all 3 at the same time, TNA wanted to attract audiences so much that apparently outright-confusion became a marketing ploy for them.

The following feature will be looking at some of the stupider gimmicks in TNA history.

The Steal Asylum MAtch So TNA lifted this idea from AAA where wrestlers are kept in a dome and have to escape out the top. The bars were red and plentiful, therefore obscuring the view of the ring to no end; the two times it happened they also filled the ring with 10 competitors, giving nobody much room to move, First time round (Bound For Glory 2008) they figured it out just about, the 2nd time was on a live special of Impact and there was such difficulty climbing upside down for prolonged times the match ended in a DQ. Elevation X Like a Scaffold Match, but far more difficult to balance on so you’re pretty much limited to punches and chops; was used maybe twice. Probably cost more than to hire a Scaffold too.

BAr ROom Brawl So surely it makes sense just to have this in a Bar right? All the stuff is already there for a Bar-room brawl as it's already a functioning bar where such brawls typically take place right? RIGHT? Nah fuck that, they just put loads of bottles on an easy-break table, a mannequin bartender and a few chairs and it just became a glorified hardcore match. They weren't even those bottles they use in theatre that break really easy.

At least when WWE did this idea at Vengeance 2003 they had the budget to set up an actual authentic-looking bar at the side of the entrance ramp.

Doomsday chamber of blood A bit of an over-the-top name for a cage match where barbed wire is at the top of the cage; Jim Cornette laughably saying that "if you try to escape, you will come out 3 kids of shredded wheat". The barbed-wire never really gets used, nor does anyone get particularly bloody; also, the Barbed Wire doesn’t prove much of a deterrent as Christian simply moves it to one side and climbs out towards the end of the match.

Cuffed in the cage So 10 men are stuck in a cage, and the only way to win is to handcuff ALL your opponents to the wall of the cage. In principle it is ludicrous, in practice it resulted in a lot of rest-holds, not much room to move and an overall snoozefest of a match.

Belting pot match I don’t know why they felt the need to throw in a pormanteau of melting pots and belts, but essentially it was an overblown lumberjack match between two "rival turfs" where everyone on the outside had heavy-leather belts as weapons.For reason a dude from the Sopranos is involved..

The turkey bowl Originally a tournament, it's now just one match a year where the loser has to wear a Turkey Suit. What always perplexed me about the tournament structure was that you potentially had to win a qualifying match, go through all that adversity, only to lose and end up being the guy wearing a Turkey suit. The winner also would get $25,000.

Fish Market Streetfight I've covered this before in previous issues. But yeah, essentially The Dudley Boys have to face off against Shark Boy (who is now pretending to be Steve Austin) in a hardcore match where there's loads of fish-stalls littered around the entrance way. Obviously all the weapons used were actually fish or fish-related; I'm pretty certain a fishing line gets used somewhere in the match too. Mike Tenay and Don West proper layed on the fish puns; imagine being the Dudleys in this one, wrestling in front of thousands on the grandest stage of them all, only to then have to sell a fish-chop to the chest in front of 900 people.

last rites match So as part of Sting and Abyss’ weird old feud, it culminated in a "Last Rites" Match, where the loser had to be forced into a casket and hoisted above the ring in it. Obviously nobody died or had their lastrites read to them, that being said it's one of the more audible incidents of the crowd shouting "Fire Russo" loud enough that even the commentary couldn't drown it out.

The committed match Sam Shaw (nor Dexter Lumis in TNA) has always looked a bit like either a neo-nazi or a sex-predator, sometimes both; TNA therefore thought they'd capitalise on that sex-offender energy he exuded and put him in a horrifically cringe stalker angle with Christy Hemme. It was meant to be smooth like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, but it simply didn't carry off that way.

What was the payoff for this match? Well, you see, Sam Shaw went into a fit of rage of Mr Anderson speakin to Christy Hemme, which lead to a terrible feud and a match where the loser would actually get committed to an asylum. It was kind of like an Ambulance match, only not particularly savage and for weeks after Sam Shaw was show in an asylum, getting assaulted and stuff.

Silent Night Bloody night Match so in continuation of the dreadful feud between Abyss, Black Reign and Rellik, for some reason Shark Boy is thrown into this shitshow as well. Again, a really average hardcore match, which in no way resembles anyone's Christmas, unless your christmas involved a barbedwire Christmas Tree, Broken Glass, Thumbtacks and weapons wrapped up as presents.....

Electrified Steel Cage The ludicrous ending to an overly gimmicky LAX / Team 3D feud. Taking place at Lockdown (where every match is a variation of a Cage Match, the premise of this match was that the very cage itself was electrified.

Of course it wasn't ACTUALLY electrified, essentially whenever a wrestler touched the cage they did their worst "being electrified" impression and the house-lights flickered on as off (just like real-life).

It was used maybe once or twice in the match, nobody really believed it either and therefore any "electric shocks" were met with ultimate indifference from the crowd.

The Blindfold Match (in the Six Sides of SteeL) So America’s Most Wanted, one of the better tag-teams that TNA produced, split up. Despite having a solid Texas Deathmatch which leftnot much left to answer for in this feud, they decided to drag it out a tad longer by doing the whole “you blinded me” bit, where the only way to equal it out was a blindfold match. Fact of the matter is. even the best workers couldn’t make something like this work, and both wrestlers spent most of the match blindly reaching around unable to find eachother; even when they did find eachother, movement was limited as they couldn’t see obviously.

Litte Shop of Horrors So another entrant from the dreaded Black Reign / Abyss Feud. Not only was it a very slow-paced and uneventful hardcore match, but Abyss tries to chokeslam a normal-sized rat (let that sink in for a bet), and Black Reign spends huge parts of the match trying to open a giant box. The match ends, Abyss opens a box AND THERE’S A WRESTLER IN THERE. Yep, that is how Rellik debuted, he just came out of a box. For some reason there’s a workbench by the ramp too, so Black Reign has to sell his hand getting squished for a bit.

Reverse battle Royale So instead of throwing people over the top-rope, you actually had to fight to get into the ring with this one. Wrestlers who had spent years and years getting into the ring with zero issue lost that experience within seconds, as suddenly wrestlings had to struggle to get into the ring.

What happened after that? Well, once 7 people entered the ring, they became the “winners” and got to engage in a standard Battle Royale. Once there was two people left, they participated in a 1-on-1 match with victory via pinfall. But what happens after that? Well, once you’ve won the one-on-one match, you take on the winner of a 6-man tournament that makes far more sense.

Mike and Don desperately tried to explain this, but there were far too many parts for a concept which kinda sucked anyway.

King of the mountain match So what better way to compliment the Reverse-Battle Royale than have a Reverse Ladder Match where you have to actually hang up the Title on a hook!?

So you enter the match, and in order to be eligible to hang the title belt up you have to secure a pinfall; the person that gets pinned spends some time in a penalty-cage. Wrestlers were almost always guaranteed to either fight or form an alliance in the penalty cage, and Jeff Jarrett had an obsession with booking himself to win whichever ones he took part in.

You know what's worse? This is considered one of their marquis matches, they form their Slammiversary PPV around it.

The hard 10 tournament So there were a lot of hardcore wrestlers and brawlers from the ECW days and the Independent circuit that couldn't draw flies to a sack of shit, but drew people in because people loved hardcore matches still.

In 2003, TNA dabbled in what they called a "Hard 10 Tournament", where wrestlers like New Jack, The Sandman, Gangrel (then Vampire Warrior), Devon Storm (or Crowbar from WCW), Slash (if you can remember Wolfie D from the terrible PG-13 Tag Team) fought in a points-based Hardcore match. That's right, you know when they score points in the Olympics and it makes no fucking sense? That, but a hardcore match.

So you get 1 point whenever you hit a wrestler with an object, 5 points if you put someone through a table, and you need 10 points to win a match. The premise is daft but understandable, but in practice it is an utter clusterfuck as you could in principle just batter someone with a chair 10 times and win the match (for examples of when this happened, see Brett Hart / Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania 26, or Mankind vs The Rock at Royal Rumble 1999).

This one I deem the most ridiculous as it takes the erratic and "anything can happen" mentality of a hardcore match, and forms rules and boundaries around it; imagine if a referee had to argue over points because it wasn't clear who put who through a table? Imagine everyone going to the VAR and watching the same table-spot in slow-motion hoping they can make a call on a match which is probably midcard at best and nobody gives a shit about anyway.

The treatment of AJ Styles So Aj Styles was with TNA from the very beginning When ex-wcw or wwe talent showed up took their pay and left shortly afterwards aj styles stuck around he was a linchpin of their x-division which made the Wwe Cruiserweights look absolutely awful but he could also hang with the heavyweights. only 7 matches occurred in the 00’s that got a 5-star rating from the wrestling observer he’s in tna’s only five-star match he was a company man too he wanted tna to succeed so bad as did samoa joe as did christopher daniels he dressed up as a turkey and did all manner of shit because he wanted to the company to do well and would do whatever he could to achieve that.

Problem is dixie carter never saw him as a top-star and relied heavily on talent acquired from elsewhere elswhere They go on to offer him less money on his contract he leaves and goes on to aid the bullet club’s rise to prominence rumour were circling he’d sign with wwe on the night of the Royal rumble Dixie carter tweets that they reached an agreement with Aj Styles to rejoin hours later, he enters the royal rumble in a proper “u ok hun” moment for Dixie carter He goes on to become world champion something tna never really saw him as one of tna’s biggest blunders? their treatment of aj styles

Raven’s Flock, but really bad So when TNA ran out of ideas they gave raven his own faction they called it serotonin after the brain chemical they debut unannounced 3 dudes rock up to the ring with zero explanation lots of beating of sticks making it look like a cult they go on to lose anyway like over-glorified jobbers Raven would then be introduced as the leader beating them with a stick after every match The routine was fairly stale raven would just beat them all the time they won maybe one or two matches ever and raven beat them then as well.

It wasn’t a good time for Raven either for he lost virtually every match too apparently “torture builds success” which is a fairly glass-half-full take on losing all the time Frankie kazarian eventually broke away the team stuck around for a bit again, losing every match.

It wasn’t as if they were good enhancement talents either as they usually lost to teams that were already doing ok so they pretty much just lost for the sake of losing With the exception of Kaz all of them would go on to leave Raven still appears now and then sustaining himself indefinitely these days off of Ecw nostalgia and being bloody weird

Speaking of really lame factions and stables Oh yeah, TNA has thrown out its fair share of stables and factions that didn't quite pan out as they hoped; some were ok but just didn't catch on as hoped, some however were just bad. Here are some of the ones that are just awful.

Planet Jarrett Whilst it was a main-event faction and a force to be reckoned with, it was yet another symptom of Jeff Jarrett constantly booking himself as champion at the expense of everyone else; considering this was a midcard dude in WWF and was not convincing as WCW champion, this faction and his position as the top-guy in TNA was far above his ability to function and it showed.

Aces and Eights NWO-style Biker Gang vibes here. Odd thing is, it started out relatively cool; suddenly though, it became too large and unwieldy, a lot of the members weren't particularly good so they had to bring MORE people in to give it star-power and make it look legit . Bubba Ray Dudley (or Bully Ray) exposes himself as leader, also exposing huge plotholes that took several videos to explain to people as the story wasn't planned out in advance. A classic example of a potentially decent idea being overplayed, drawn out for too long and rendered unmanageable by the huge amount of people involved. Luke Gallows was pretty cool mind (named DOC for trademark reasons of course).

The Menagerie So Mike Knox (or Knux in TNA) returns to his hometown to take over the family Carnival; shortly after he appeared with Crazzy Steve (who was actually quite decent) "Freak" (a.k.a. useless welshman Rob Terry in a mask) and accomplished women's star Rebel (a.k.a Reba, Britt Baker's assistant in AEW, as well as various other women's promotions). They went around doing the whole circus crap, but it didn't really fit in with anything else and when Knox left the faction fell apart. It seemed far too much like a Wyatt-Family rip-off too.

S.E.X. Yep, good old Vince Russo's Sports Entertainment Extreme popped up in the early days of TNA. It was essentially Russo's way of doing his own NWO takeover angle, only with far less starpower (yet too many people involved). He eventually leaves and Glenn Gilberti (Disco Inferno) tries to take over as leader. Their feud with Jeff Jarrett got a bit heated too, it involved their families and that's just weird.

The NExt Generation I saved this one until last as I think people don't acknowledge how hilarious this one was. So imagine the failed offspring of Ric Flair, Jerry Lawler and Bill Watts (David Flair, Brian Lawler and Erik Watts) as a faction; now imagine them pretending that they were some sort of force to be reckoned with (despite none of them ever appearing beyond lower-midcard), THEN imagine them saying they were going to eclipse their fathers' legacies, in front of a few hundred bored people, at an event nobody remembers, for a promotion nobody wanted to work for. I don't think it was even meant as a joke either.

That time Shark Boy awoke from a coma as stone cold steve austin.

Oh yeah, it's genuinely as bad as it sounds.

So get this, after loads of backstage beatdowns and brutal matches, Shark Boy disappears for a bit and appears again on TV in a coma.

So good old Jeremy Borash is at Shark Boy's House (you won't be surprised to find it's nautical-themed, all blue and with lots of bubbles and coral decorating the walls) with Shark Boy's family, all wearing identical shark marks and clearly being aggrieved with the fact they have to have their family member's coma broadcast live to the world. For some reason Eric Young is there too, as is Traci Brooks (she's dressed as a nurse, but the kind you see in porn, rather than an actual nurse that could help Shark Boy during his time of need).

There would also be random appearances from other wrestlers over the weeks too, including Chris Harris who turned up because he was frustrated with not being on TV enough and he felt this was the only way he could get Television exposure. Pretty certain Homicide was there too at one point.

Anyway.... SHARK BOY AWAKES! only he does his best Stone-Cold Steve Austin impression and tells the Doctor that if he sticks that thermometer up his bum-bum again there will be hell to pay; quite frankly I'm not sure why you would need to take their butt temperature when they're in a coma but whatever.

Anyway, Shark Boy Steve Austin (or is it Stone Cold Shark Boy?) was born. He would come out to non-copyright infringing Stone Cold Music, he would wear a none-copyright infringing Vest, and he would tell everyone to give him a "Shell Yeah" whenever he finished a promo (get it, he's from the sea, they have shells there), and would douse himself with "Claim Juice" instead of Beer. He even told everyone that "Shark Boy 24/7 says I just bit your ass", so yeah, that was his deal.

I can't remember him doing much beyond that other than teaming with Curry Man (don't hate, he was brilliant) to take on Team 3D in the Fish Market Street Fight I referred to earlier in the zine.

This wouldn't be a short lived thing either; during his squashmatch against Tyrus (a.k.a Funkasaurus Brodus Clay from WWE) nearly 5 years later, he's still in his Stone Cold Steve Austin vest, eating donuts backstage (even though his mask clearly has no mouth-hole so the donut-sugar just sits there whilst the donut remains uneaten).

Puppet the midget killer See, seeing as he was a Midget himself, the name seemed odd as it wasn't overtly clear whether he was a midget that kills, or a killer of midgets. It turns out though that he identified as a Dwarf, and therefore wanted to kill midgets.

So here we are, TNA's first event. 15 minutes in and mere SECONDS after a relatively tasteful legends segment, backstage interviewer Goldilocks introduces us to Puppet The Psycho-Dwarf, who proclaims Midgets are the real stars of the USA and that he is out for Midget-Blood.

You don't see him again for the rest of the show; two other midgets wrestle that night, in a relatively drama-free affair.

Now Puppet REALLY hits his stride on the 5th weekly PPV TNA put out; he doesn't wrestle, however we do see him in a bin, eyes staring out the rubbish-hole with a deranged look coupled with the audible sound of thumping inside the bin.

Goldilocks is obligated to ask him what is up, to which he claims he is "meditating" (not violently masturbating) for he has PMS, which he explains obviously stands for PISSED MIDGET SYNDROME (despite clearly falsely identifying as a dwarf). He claims the only way to resolve his ailments is to beat up more midgets; he also proceeds to offer Goldilocks "some of his porridge", propositioning her again once more before the segment is out before Goldilocks runs away, desperately trying to evaluate her live decisions up to this point.

This isn't the sole extent of Puppet's bizarre input though. In a peculiar segment where he starts a fight with Jeff Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett answers the challenge; clearly outgunned in both size, weight, wrestling experience and ability to get into the ring, Puppet tries to even the playing field a bit AND PULLS OUT A FUCKING GUN. He quickly gets destroyed by Jeff Jarrett by being conked by a baking tray, despite having a gun and all; I'm not sure whether he was used again in TNA, but these 3 appearances alone are enough to be burned on the retinas of anyone who watched through the early days of TNA. True Story: He continued to appear in Indy wrestling events years on, including short-lived TV show "Half- Pint Brawlers" which was all sorts of wrong.

He died since I wrote this article. RIP Puppet

TNA’s Fascination with jeff hardy So Jeff is released from the wwe in 2003 After no-showing events, erratic behaviour drug use, refusing to enter rehab deteriorating ring performance and constant tardiness leaving his Brother matt to work on his solo-run Despite his issues being well-known tna were desperate for new talent and signed him to a contract despite being well aware of his past transgressions. he does his part though the lighter schedule proving a godsend enough for him to clear his head before returning back to wwe for a far more reasonable run it isn’t long however before he gets burnt out again and leaves wwe to have some time off. you’ll never guess who was “closely monitoring the situation” yup, TNA again He actually did alright by them for all his flaws he sold the most merchandise he brought crowds at live-events which tna always struggled with my issue isn’t so much with the fact that TNA wanted to make money and relied on a wrestler with established name recognition to get greater visibility even though TNA had far more reliable stars in the form of AJ Styles and Samoa Joe my issue is with how much they let him get away with allowing a level of creative control that quite simply nobdoy should ever be given especially if the creative mind is as cringeworthy as that of Jeff hardy

So I’ve deliberately made the layout of this zine look an utter mess So I could make sure this monstrosity of a belt was appropriately shown you see, this is the TNA World Heavyweight Championship made especially for Jeff Hardy’s title reign belts cost 6-figure sums to design and make image the money involved to create this monstrosity knowing it was only a matter of time before it reverted back to a less-shit version He was also given free-reign to express himself how he saw fit he would be on TV doing “art” all of which was a bit lame his own band “PeroxWHy?Gen” did his theme that was a bit lame too Shannon moore even found his revival getting a job with Jeff Hardy doing his whole “book of Dilligaf” shit so so edgy. how did Jeff Hardy repay tna? for the relaxed schedule and abundance of creative freedom? he turns up to Victory road 2011 too intoxicated to wrestle the main event against sting so eric bischoff has to call an audible and have sting defeat him in 90 seconds TNA apologised publically offering full refunds to all buyers and free subscriptions to their on demand service all because jeff couldn’t keep his shit together Jeff serves his time in the doghouse and sticks around with TNA for a bit he even briefly returns his “willow” character a throwback to his Omega days that was pretty piss-poor as well. they sold his “willow” brand umbrella for $40 too.

He actually sticks with tna for quite a bit redeeming himself with the ultimately bizarre “final deletion” stuff with his brother matt before leaving TNA high and dry to return to wwe imagine building a company so much around one person giving them all the freedom they needed to express themselves only for them to bring so many issues to the table this is why Jeff is considered below-the-radar tna crap

Blackface Billy Gunn of course he didn’t go as billy gunn in TNA he went by the name of Kip James teaming with BG James (The ROad Dogg) as the Voodoo Kin Mafia THis little nugget came from an episode of impact where they feuded with Team 3d

The voodoo kin mafia So they were Kip and BG James, seeing as Road Dogg and Billy Gunn were trademarked by the WWE; they start out as the James Gang, but it's not long before they brand themselvs the Voodoo Kin Mafia; notice the initials VKM, this was meant to be a dig at Vince Mcmahon, and proved to be a pretty cringeworthy jibe as TNA were simply not on WWE's radar at the time.

I'm not 100% on the timeline, but I'm pretty certain it started getting really bad when WWE resurrected Degeneration X with just HHH and Shawn Michaels; the VKM, comprising of two DX members, could not resist cashing in on that lineage and good old Vinny Russo puts together a series of cringeworthy promos and vignettes which only show that TNA was not even CLOSE to being on WWE's radar.

So VKM appear back in November 2006, declaring war on HHH and Shawn Michaels; of course they refer to them using their real names (Paul Levesque and Michael Hickenbottom) so that only the smart-marks would understand the dig. Anyway, war is declared, and it gets cringier from there on.

They do loads of goofy-ass shit to try and get under the skin of DX, which would have been difficult given that DX were selling out arenas and live events nationwide, whilst the VKM were in front of 700 people in Florida on a show which struggled to draw a million viewers at best.

Their bit when the mimmicked DX's destruction of the Spirit Squad was pretty funny mind.

Not content with bickering with them at distance on a soundstage in Florida, VKM "brings the war to them" in a very demure take on DX bringing the war to WCW. Obviously it wasn't so much an invasion, as a series of skits where they get small-crowds to chant "VKM" as they coax bystanders into telling them that DX's schtick was a bit crappy at times.

Not content with the fact WWE was not acknowledging their stuff AT ALL (why would they?), VKM sets down a "Million Dollar Challenge" for them to fight "anytime, anywhere". This never materialises as there's about as much money in something like this happened as there would be a Shawn Stasiak / Maven Huffman main-event. Also, they probably didn't have 1 Million Dollars.

It actually got quite heated in their promo's, which was quite awkward as the crowd weren't really too invested in whatever the fuck this was, and nobody actually saw TNA as a viable competitor to anything WWE did.

Seeing as they were feuding with thin-air, this thankfully died a silent death when it was seemed more viable to feud with Christy Hemme (which neither of them could fight, but at least they were actually trading insults rather than just shouting into the night).

TNA Turning Point 2006 Eric Young wins a bikini contest against Traci Brooks

TNA Trying to be racy in their storylines Wrestling is rarely ahead of the curve in terms of society and changes in attitudes; TNA really pushed out some stinkers mind and here's some turds that really stuck out.

Orlando Jordan So this guy was boring as shit in WWE to the point he couldn't have a good match with Chris Benoit, but he had a good physique and he was available and therefore was one of the many who debuted when Bischoff and Hogan came in. You see though, he was bisexual in real life and therefore TNA thought the best way to bring this into his role was to make him into a perverse sexual deviant who made out with everyone and occasionally poured milk all over himself.

The Rainbow Express An overtly homosexual stereotype tag-team that put perceptions of homosexuality back a couple of decades. Presented as bad-guys (for being gay of course), they would grind up against straight-wrestlers in the ring, making them feel all sorts of uncomfortable.

One team refused to wrestle them because they were gay. Nice one TNA. The Claire Lynch Fiasco So apparently TNA were desperate to have their own "Katie Vick" storyline and came up with this steaming pile of garbage. Essentially Claire Lynch, portrayed as a drug-addict, claimed AJ Styles was the father of her unborn child. AJ refuted this, until Claire showed pictures of AJ in an innebriated stage, suggesting she may have even raped him. This culminated in a match with Christopher Daniels (who sided with Lynch) where, if AJ lost, he had to declare he was the Dad, but if he won he'd earn the right to a paternity test. It turns The Rainbow Express out that Claire Lynch had made the whole pregnancy up, and this whole feud was for nothing.

APpearing in the early days of TNA This was an ugly reminder of the southern states of America Sam Shaw stalking Christy Hemme and their inability to comprehend homosexuality Not only do I not rate Sam Shaw (now Dexter Lumis) as a wrestler, but everything about him they were deliberately effeminate screams sex-predator and TNA were dead-keen to utilise this in the form of an incredibly grinding up against other wrestlers during matches protracted stalker-storyline which got far too weird and went on far too long. The crowd never Another tag-team “The Dupps” got into because it was far too uncomfortable at all times and the story did nothing to portray refused to work with them Sam Shaw as a character, not that anyone ever saw him as beyond a midcard talent. because they don’t work with homosexuals

Big men - Little Talent So whilst not all-out cringe, a particular issue with TNA was to occasionally think "we need to develop our own stars" and proceed to go for completely wrong people who rarely had the ability or sense to comprehend the opportunity before them. Dixie liked them big, dumb, and covered in oil for some weird reason, here's some of the times they tried to push the downright unpushable.

"The Blueprint" Matt Morgan This guy had a rotten WWE run, being given a stuttering gimmick which truly wrecked and prospect of him being considered a legitimate contender. TNA push him to the Moon, making him look good at the expense of everyone else. Problem is, he wasn't particularly charismatic or exciting and he couldn't ever generate main-event quality matches regardless of who he went against. Hats off to TNA for trying though, they put years into this guy only for him to leave on his own accord.

Rob Terry So TNA felt chuffed to bits to "acquire" this WWE developmental reject. After a short time training at the TEAM 3D Academy, he was put into the British Invasion stable with Doug Williams and Magnus, I even saw him win the TV Title in Cardiff; the problem however was he was about as wooden as Lex Luger, and apparently just didn't "get it" when it came to wrestling. He was briefly "The Freak" in the Menagerie before being released. Pretty certain he's a personal trainer now.

Jessie Godderz Another case of someone having the look that got Dixie Carter weak at the knees, but zero ability to back it up. "Mr Pec-Tacular" was put with Robbie E (now Robert Stone in NXT) to cover his distinct lack of ability, but the reality of the situation was they put far too much resource into something that was never going to be the finished product they were looking for (or needed). May as well have just put an Abercrombie model in the ring tbh.

Trytan He was made to look like this huge Terminator-esque character that didn't say anything so was little more than a Black Jacket with Shades. He taunted Monty Brown a few times and got a match with him one year at Destination X before disappearing into obscurity. In all fairness, his match with Monty Brown exposed the fact he probably wasn't that much of a threat to start with.

TNA’s obsession with nascar Cross-promotion very much is what it is; highlighting celebrities and sports personalities in the crowd is always a sure-fire way to make the product look a bit more high-brow; even WCW felt the benefits of getting Karl Malone and Dennis Rodman on board (albeit, not so much with Jay Leno).

TNA, being a fledgling promotion whose head was stuck in the South throughout its first few years, decided to do a similar stunt, only with Sterlin Marlin and Hermie Sadler; who the fuck are these guys? Well, they're NASCAR drivers of course.

So there's this angle with Ron Killings (or K-Krush at the time, or R-Truth now) where he calls NASCAR drivers out for not being real athletes; Hermie Sadler comes to the ring, saying he can't take him seriously due to how he dressed (baggy-jeans and a do-rag taking the bulk of the insult). It got worse, as he then starts referring to "our people" and "your people". Despite the racist overtones, the Tennesse crowd lapped it up and somehow K-KRUSH WAS THE BAD GUY. They go on to have a match, which K-Krush wins (not clean may I add), only to then have the match restarted and LOSE. TO A NASCAR DRIVER WITH NO RING EXPERIENCE. TNA then decide the slightly-racist Hermie Sadler is the kind of wholesome dude they want to sponsor in his future races too.

They keep on with it too, and bring in some NASCAR dude called Jeff Hammond as a "ring expert" too.

Seriously, their lead expert for wrestling, a Nascar driver.

NASCAR drivers would often make appearances at Impact tapings, sometimes in the crowd (when nobody know who they were) or even sometimes as ring-valets for other wrestlers. It never worked out well, and as the brand grew TNA decided they weren't getting the same PR rub they were hoping for and the brand recognition simply wasn't of any value anymore.

You'd think this would be the end of it right? Nope, Hermie Sadler eventually got his own segment on TNA's channel called "Hermie's Hotseat", where he pretty much played fanboy to a variety of wrestlers who weren't doing much else at the time.

I'd recommend googling "All Wheels Wrestling" too; when Jeff Jarrett starting losing his stranglehold on TNA, he looked into co-promoting a NASCAR-themed wrestling promotion with Hermie Sadler. They filmed a Pilot and everything, with there being "teams" just like in NASCAR, not that they could ever quite figure out the balance. Also, nobody wanted anything to do with this car-wreck so thankfully it never took off.

That time the Timekeeper had to box Screech So Dustin Diamond a,k,a, Screech from Saved by the bell he’s had a hard life after saved by the bell was cancelled He had to file for bankruptcy he even begged people to buy t-shirts on the howard stern show He also directed his own sex-tape called “Screeched” which is massively cringe and has a dirty sanchez in it (gross) he denies he was directly involved alleging they used a “stunt cock” He’s also had run-ins with the law and released a tell-all book about his time on Saved by the bell which everyone discredited especially the bit when he claimed to have slept with 2000 people he eventually became a regular on reality tv appearing on any show that would have him Of course that’s the kind of person TNA wanted to do business with he appears on the show challenges the timekeeper to a boxing match where the poor timekeeper has to sell 3 really bad punches before being knocked out in the first round raging bull it was not

So tna and NJPW had a deal where talent would be exchanged The theory being that it would bring TNA to Japan and increase NJPW's presence in the USA There was one case where it did not work out one case where it went so bad It ruined the relationship and caused so much offence to the company and the wrestler New Japan Ended the deal Several years later Impact wrestling free from Vince Russo And Dixie Carter actually apologised for what happened As you can see they dressed him up like Kato from the green hornet and even called him okato he was largely just samoa joe’s lackey Njpw were disgusted but TNa insisted he needed a character it didn’t last long okato went back to Japan became the IWGP Heavyweight Champion had a glut of 5-star matches won match of the year countless times If you hadn’t guessed, Okato Was actually Kazuchika Okada “The Rainmaker” TNA had one of the greatest talents of the last few years and this is what they did with them Seems pretty standard actually.

What’s in a name WWE liked to have names they could trademark, partly so they could make the most money off it, partly so that that brand isn't ever used outside of TV. TNA, wanting to copy WWE at every turn, started doing the same once they became a larger entity. Here are some of the worst and most unecessary name changes.

Generation ME (the YOung Bucks) This signing was an incredibly poor fit anyway; they were making some waves in Ring of Honor and on the independent circuit, it was almost as if they wanted to sign them to stop them working elswhere. They decided to give them the name Generation Me, a term coined in the 70's and therefore lost on the demographic they were trying to appeal to.

Kahoneys (Balls Mahoney) So I'm pretty certain he only appeared once or twice for TNA, primarily during those "Hardcore Justice" events they put on to cash in on ECW franchise. Anyway, the crowd didn't buy it for a second and still chanted "BALLS" everytime he delivered even the slightest bit of offence. They were never going to bring him in again, there was no money to be made off him, so why change his name?

Rubix (Jigsaw) He didn't even appear full-time in TNA/Impact, so the fact they changed his name was another seemingly bizarre move. Also, his mask was clearly a jigsaw puzzle, not a rubix cube, clearly Jigsaw did not buy into the name-change at all.

The Wolves (The American Wolves) So imagine if you changed the name of Marcus Bagwell and Scotty Riggs' team to "The Males", and you would realise how dumb it was to change the name Sheik Abdul Bashir (daivari) So apparently his name wasn't evocative enough to create that "anti-american" vibe that they give him a mix-match of stereotypical middle-eastern names. It was essentially Mohammed Hassan's gimmick, but it never took off as they weren't really sure what they were allowed to do with a gimmick that pretty much cost Hassan's career.

Tara (a.k.a Victoria / Lisa Marie Varon) She left WWE burnt out from the touring schedule, found sanctuary in TNA's far easier schedule and contributed a lot to the Knockouts Division, but had to do so under a a different name. I didn't even realise there was any value in trademarking something so generic.

Moose No I'm not talking about the Impact Wrestling standout, I'm talking the hard-as-fuck Deathmatch wrestler Mickie Knuckles who was a regular for IWA-MidSouth and was briefly an enforcer for The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Angelina Love). It's not a particularly endearing name to be honest, especially when they had no intention of marketing her and she was quietly released having sustained an injury wrestling for IWA-MidSouth in front of 60 people.

Other General PR Blunders that TNA Tried to sweep under the rug So I've taken you through a whole issue of the lesser-known blunders of TNA, but there's still some I want to raise which I thought I'd rush through in the back pages to finish off the issue.

Most of these fall into the classic TNA error of punching far above their weight and getting embarassed when it didn't quite work out; some were more devastating than others.

Signing Adam "pacman" jones So the NFL suspended him for a year for a variety of incidents, including instigating a brawl in a strip club that left one person in a wheelchair. TNA thought that the publicity around signing him would make them a huge deal; unfortunately it backfired and Adam's signing with TNA was met with widespread mockery about TNA being "beneath him", a convicted felon being too good for TNA. DAYUM. Also, his NFL contract barred him from wrestling, somehow they still managed to book him as a Tag-Team Champion, not that he actually did ANY ringwork. Despite looking back and laughing, TNA were hugely into it at the time and there was talk of them even investing in his solo-music career. Fucksake Poor Live event attendances After successes with Slammiversary, Bound for Glory and Lockdown, TNA decides to take their PPV's on the road. They start with Against All Odds 2008, where they drew 3500 in a 12000 capacity arena; worse- yet, a vast majority of those tickets were given out for free and this became a running occurrence with TNA’s events outside the impact zone.

Their live events faired equally bad, with some turnouts being so bad they didn't even make enough money to pay the venue. They also tried outdoor shows at Baseball stadiums, which also looked incredibly poor when only 200-300 people turned up; photos of poor turnouts and heavily closed-off venues became the norm on messageboards and it wasn't long before the returned to the impact zone and distanced themselves from live events.

Also, Fun Fact: The Highest TNA attendance ever is 9000 for a House Show at Wembley Arena, London.

Actively seeking Bob Knight as their head coach So it turns out Bob Knight was a famous NCAA Basketball Coach for the Indiana Hoosiers and Texas Tech. He resigned for no discernible reason, so TNA made a huge publicity stunt out of trying to get Bob Knight to be their "Head Coach". Despite making a lot of noise about it, the national press did not pick up on it at all as it was just a ludicrous publicity stunt. Bob Knight, clearly being a class act, turned it down politely and wished TNA well, it's down to a coin toss as to whether he knew who TNA were, let alone what he would do as a head coach in TNA. The end result was just that TNA looked bad, as most people wondered what the hell he would do there if TNA did sign him.

Jesse Sorensen So Jesse was a promising X-Division standout who landed badly in a match against Zema Ion (or DJ Z as you may know him). He was out of action for nearly a year as he was nearly paralysed as a result of the injury. Dixie Carter was quick to confirm he had a "job for life", which didn't hold much weight as they released him immediately after he was cleared for action. Also, despite promising to help him with his medical bills, they didn't.

Going head to head with monday night raw Dixie Carter thought that TNA fans were essentially disillusioned WWE fans, and that going head-to-head would entice people to jump shit through "friendly competition". It didn't work, TNA brought their best and WWE swatted it away without even putting a good show together. They quickly moved it back to Thursdays, tail between legs. going live every week So TNA was an appealing option for talent as it meant they could run tapings monthly, making for a light schedule that was affordable and didn't damage the overall product. Hogan and Bischoff thought going live was the way to be to get that "anything can happen" vibe. It didn't make for better TV, better ratings or increased revenue; in fact, it made wrestler schedules more intense and drove costs right up. They spent loads of money adapting to live TV only to see no benefit. piping crowd noise through the arena during live broadcasts Due to filming at Universal Studios, the audience wasn't always consistent and often consistent of tourists and walk-ins who were curious. The crowd was usually ok but could be incredibly flat, which looks bad on TV. How did Bischoff counteract that? by piping artificial crowd noise through the speakers of course. People picked up on it really quickly when the sounds didn't match the audience reactions, and there were certain segments that fell so flat, the crowd started whistling so as to counteract the fake crowd-noise.

The internet caught on really quickly, and TNA was eviscerated as a result.

Dixie Carter Last but not least, the big one, the very President of TNA itself.

I've heard accounts from people who say that, as a person, she is incredibly friendly and makes every fan feel special. Unfortunately, she is no Vince McMahon, and trying to emulate Big Vince did not work out well at all.

Whether it was openly telling off the Locker-Room on TV, grovelling at Hogan's feet begging him not ot leave, or trying to be a tough-boss, it just didn't work and her constant need to be an on-screen talent just sucked the life out of the product.

She regularly piped up TNA to be bigger than it was, only to look a bit foolish when it didn't work out as planned. When Panda Energy pulled the plug on their funding of TNA, rumour has it her insistence on remaining President scuppered all sorts of investments and buyouts.

Eventually she lost out, with Anthem buying her out and keeping her on as a minority shareholder that has no place on Television. It might be a coincidence that Impact started establishing an identity not long after this move.

Congratulations on surviving this issue of Endless DIsappointment Which was about as well planned and put-together as a TNA WEekly PPV event The Johnsons salute you