Fever Dreams of the F Word Kezia

Velista

I can’t be in Flushing for too long. In the unreality of the morning sun, I smell the faint cigarette smoke from the elderly man standing next to me at the bus stop. He hangs onto his right wrist behind his back with his left hand, a stance all too familiar with me.

I can’t be in Flushing for too long.

I see a woman and her daughter switching shoes with one another to alleviate the pain her daughter experiences from wearing a mature pair of black leather Mary Janes. I observe this small act of menial kindness and am pricked by our mutual lack of it.

I can’t be in Flushing for too long.

I enter the noodle house on Prince Street and see the same man who never looks at me. He makes shrimp and watercress wontons with his bare hands while the woman at the counter speaks to me in broken English. “12 piece fry shrimp wonton?” “yes,” “with noodle?” yes.” “With noodle or no with noodle?” “With noodle.” Each time, I point to the same number on the menu, number 9 and number 22. Each time, she points back to make sure that’s what I want. And each time, the man who never looks at me says the only thing he likely knows to say in English when I drop two quarters and two dollar bills into their tip jar.

I can’t be in for Flushing too long.

Pork floss buns rolled with scallion and egg reminds me of you. Long, twisted, buttered rolls with pruney raisins remind me of you. Overly sugared, burnt buttered colored coffee served in styrofoam cups remind me of you. Baseball caps and beanies with unexpected phrases sold on the side streets remind me of you.

I can’t be in Flushing for too long.

Samples from the perfume department at the Macy’s on Roosevelt Avenue remind me of you, how you used to spray them at me not as a means of purchasing any, but just because they were free.

I can’t be in Flushing for too long.

The strawberry scented sanitizing spray used at the entrance of the hospital reminds me of you. At the same time, that reminds me of strawberry Frappuccinos from Starbucks and that reminds me of you, how you used to buy them for me even though you weren’t supposed to. I buy strawberries for 99 cents at the market and the smell of the hospital sanitizing spray clings to every fibre of my being.

I can’t be in Flushing for too long.

Jewelry stores with misaligned Chinese characters with the hanyu pinyin letters below them remind me of you. The night of your death, I found bars of gold hidden in the pockets of your black leather jacket.

I can’t be in Flushing for too long.

I can’t be in Flushing for too long

Flushing Father Flutter Farther

The One After the One

Kezia Velista

They’d been talking about fucking each other in more ways than one. Something that he’s only experienced four times in his life. Every single time it’s brought him to an indescribable— To give power, is to also take power. Every single time it’s rendered both of them utterly— To restrict him is to set him free. Our whole lives, We’re told this body part Is a place of exits. For him to do the very opposite Pierces an organic norm. Allow it to happen. Don’t allow it to happen. His wife won’t know either way. He’ll always be the one, after the one.

Some Versions of a Night

Kezia Velista

TO BE PEACEFUL Rose Vollaro

to be peaceful must mean you are also capable of great violence not just physical violence (although that included) not just violence towards others (although that included) but violence of the soul tsunamis of turmoil the hurricanes wreaking havoc on your perception of the world the dark, swallowing violence that isolates you the depths of violence where you no longer can sense love the violence of unstoppable waves of desperation the violence that floods every corner of your mind until you’re not sure whether you’re meant to breathe or just drown but to be violent must mean you’re also capable of great peace calm seas and smooth sailing floating and observing, deciding which way you travel it means you’re capable of inflicting incredible pain, yet you chose restraint without violence, there would be nowhere to choose peace the greater the violence, the greater the peace

TO BE VIOLENT MUST MEAN YOU’RE ALSO CAPABLE OF GREAT PEACE