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Chapter 2

Authenticity Feeling whole and being genuine

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About Authenticity Authenticity is the experience of really seeing ourselves, accepting ourselves and being genuine. It’s the joy of walking through the day valuing authenticity and doing our best to be authentic in our dealings with others.

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Stress and the Brain All the higher order (“eudonic”) rewards are abundant when the brain is in balance. When stress hits, the thinking brain separates from the emotional brain. We can’t see ourselves accurately. In fact, it’s completely normal to split, and see ourselves as all good or all bad.

The 5 Brain States As stress mounts and the brain area that is in charge moves to the more primitive regions, thoughts, emotions and behaviors all become extreme and ineffective. One of the biggest losses during moments of stress is that we can’t see ourselves accurately. That adds to our stress and in that split state, we do some pretty strange things, many of which play into our addictions. 85


Before a binge, I’m on a false high. I dissociate and feel impervious. I can do anything! Then after I imbibe, I feel like the worst person on Earth. I split, and I get used to splitting. It’s familiar and predictable. When I’m stressed, I get down on myself and see myself as all bad. Then I use, and afterwards, I still feel like I’m all bad. The next day, it’s over, and I’m back to feeling all good. I split with my wife. She’s the good one and I’m the bad one. Although sometimes it’s the reverse. I see myself as all good and she’s the bad one. Notice your patterns of splitting. One strategy for dealing with it is to change our brain state, so that our thinking brain is plugged into the emotional brain and we have more clarity. Another is to use the Splitting Tool. That tool is simple. If someone looks all bad, then bring to mind one of their good qualities. If they look all good, then bring to mind one of their bad qualities. In either case, we love ourselves for who we are (all of ourselves) and are not fair weather friends. We see others for who they really are, too, so we can relax. Compassion for self and other flows. We’re not bad when we use and good when we don’t. Our behavior changes but our essence is good, and who doesn’t have a dark side? 86


Emotional Evolution: Essence The second circuit of a basic expectation that is encoded during stress is I am bad. That expectation blocks us from seeing ourselves as whole, and being authentic in our own eyes.Let’s rewire it by saying the opposite.

I am not bad. To accept that we would need to face the essential pain of the human condition:

I am not perfect. If we can face that essential pain, then we evolve and experience one of the greatest rewards of life: Authenticity Experiment with saying this to yourself 10 times daily as a Grind In: Core Expectation: I am not bad. Essential Pain: I am not perfect. Earned Reward: Authenticity. Let’s take a look at the 5 brain states, and the characteristics of each. In time you’ll find your own “thumbprint” of signs that indicate your brain state. Some people can see brain states in others more easily than they can see them in themselves. They benefit greatly from working in a group. 87


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Reactive

Irrational

4

5

Concrete

2

Rigid

Abstract

1

3

Thoughts

State

Overwhelmed

Unbalanced

Mixed

Balanced

Joyous

Feelings

Connected

Spirituality

Merged/ Disengaged

Needy/ Distant

Social

Lost/ Obsessed

Disconnected

Unaware

Companionable Aware

Intimate

Relationships

The EBT Brain States

Destructive

Unhealthy

Moderate

Healthy

Optimal

Behavior


Check In 1. Deep Breaths Breathe into your belly, relaxing more with each exhale. 2. Body at 1: Shoulders back, chin up, a slight smile. Give your brain the message that you are in a state of wellbeing. (This is also called Body in Joy.) 3. Warmly Observe Yourself See yourself just as you are, with acceptance and without judgment. 4. Ask yourself, “What Number Am I?” Use a nurturing inner voice, a strong, kind voice to ask that question rather than a harsh inner voice. There are 5 states:

The 5 Brain States 1 Feeling Great! 2 Feeling Good (“OK”) 3 A Little Stressed! 4 Definitely Stressed 5 Stressed Out!

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5. Accept Your State. Last, accept your state. Feel the calming impact of acceptance. Just be aware of your emotional state, really see yourself in the present moment. Feel compassion for yourself and say to yourself something kind, such as:

For who I am right now, being in Brain State 4 is about right! Oh, I’m at Brain State 3. I can accept that being this tired makes me a little stressed.

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Brain State 1: Feeling Great! In General:

Feel Great!

Body Feel:

Aware Present Glow

Best Bet to Identify:

Peaceful Compassionate Complete

What’s Great about this State:

Breaks Stress Circuits Strengthens Joy Circuits Cravings Disappear Optimal for Health

When I’m at Brain State 1, I don’t even care about food. It’s just food. I love that! I don’t know that I am ever at Brain State 1. Is anybody? Then yesterday I created a Joy Point, and got to 1. It felt great. Then it vanished!

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Brain State 2: Feeling Good In General:

Feel Good (“OK”)

Body Feel:

Balanced Present Not Rewarded

Best Bet to Identify:

Aware of Feelings Emotions are Balanced Highly Functional Not Inspired

What’s Great about this State:

Strengthens Joy Circuits Easy to Maintain

I think I’m at Brain State 2 a lot. I feel OKAY, not great. I’m not sure what state I’m in. I don’t know whether I’m a 2, 3 or 4. Figuring it out is not easy.

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Brain State 3: A Little Stressed In General:

A Little Stressed

Body Feel:

Slightly Numb or A Little on Edge

Best Bet to Identify:

Irritable Numb A Little Negative Somewhat Anxious Thinking Too Much

What’s Great about this State:

At the Tipping Point Using the Tools Now Prevents Overreaction Somewhat Functional

For me being a little stressed is my set point. I spend most of my time at Brain State 3. I slip from Brain State 2 right to 5. I bypass Brain State 3 most of the time.

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Brain State 4: Definitely Stressed In General:

Definitely Stressed

Body Feel:

Emotions Ramped Up Feelings May Shut Down Tension or Fatigue Body Pain Appetite Ramps Up Cravings Strong

Best Bet to Identify:

Distancing from Others Merging with Others Too Harsh Inner Voice Too Easy Inner Voice Intense Negative Feelings

What’s Great about this State:

Most Effective State for Rewiring Stress Circuits Moving Up this State Trains the Brain for Hope and Power

My emotions are mainly negative. I’m definitely on edge. At Brain State 4, my emotions turn off and I overthink everything.

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Brain State 5: Stressed Out! In General:

Stressed Out!

Body Feel:

Body Hurts No Body Awareness

Best Bet to Identify:

Overwhelmed Lost Confused Strong Cravings Time Warp

What’s Great about this State:

Use of the Tools Can Rewire Deep Hurts

I LIVE at Brain State 5 — overwhelmed, confused and lost. When I watch television, am I at Brain State 1 or Brain State 5? I’m not sure.

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Freedom This week we’ll use two strategies to create freedom from the drive for external solutions. The Cravings Zapper and Loving Observer Tools Whether your external solution is smoking, drinking, drugs, exercise, or spending, food matters. If you wonder whether or not that is true for you, consider overloading on Stress Foods for one day, and experiencing the hangover you have for the next day or two. Decrease your stress by including a Joy Food Dinner daily. This brings you to 60% Joy Food. Only eat foods you like, and appreciate that by eating dinner before 7 pm, and pleasuring yourself in natural ways after dinner, you turn off the drive for late night snacking. Also, that decreases fat accumulation and improves dysregulation. Your most important Joy Points come in the evening, as during that time of the day dopamine is low (“we’re shot!”) and it’s easy to reach for an artificial reward. Instead, turn off the drive by piling up Joy Points after 6 pm. Want another technique for food cravings or cravings for other external soluions? Use the Craving Zapper; an audio program of it is in the multi-media course that is included with this journal. 96


The Cravings Zapper You can let off some steam when you have a craving by using the Cravings Zapper. Experiment with this. It’s fun, and it really works! 1. It’s not me. It’s just a wire. Pause and say to yourself, it’s not me. It’s just a wire! I’m going to ZAP that wire! 2. Express Your Feelings!

I feel ANGRY that . . . I feel ANGRY that . . . I feel ANGRY that . . . I feel ANGRY that . . . I feel SAD that . . . I feel AFRAID that . . . I feel GUILTY that . . . 3. Take a Mid-Zap Break Pause for 3 minutes and do something: wash your hands, jump up and down, scream and yell, sing and shout, pray, curl up in a ball. 4. Express Your Feelings AGAIN!

I feel ANGRY that . . . I feel ANGRY that . . . I feel ANGRY that . . . 97


I feel ANGRY that . . . I feel SAD that . . . I feel AFRAID that . . . I feel GUILTY that . . . 4. Collect a Joy Point! If you still want it, then have it, without guilt! How the Cravings Zapper worked for me: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________

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The Loving Observer Tool This tool requires that you use your external solution and as you do, track your brain state. Before, during and after using, stay lovingly and compassionately connected to yourself and record your brain state (We abbreviate this to BrainSt#). This tool is only for use with external solutions that are not high risk! If your external solution is food, use it while having a Self-Acceptance Meal (300 calories of Stress Foods). The goal is to stay connected to yourself at a moment when you would otherwise disconnect. See yourself in action with your external solution. Feel compassion for yourself and jot down your number. Also, notice that in the midst of using an artificial reward, you might think you are at Brain State 1. It’s pleasurable, but only in a flat way, not the “multilayered” experience of joy. Rather, it’s a false high. You are actually at Brain State 5! Brain States 1 and 5 have similarities. Both involve the activation of the brain’s reward centers. In Brain State 1, there are normal, sustainable surges of neurotransmitters in the brain’s reward centers. We have no needs. We feel complete. In Brain State 5, there are abnormal highs and lows of neurotransmitters in the brain’s reward centers. Our needs are bottomless. We have strong “I gotta get 99


it” drives (hyperarousal) or our mind goes blank (disassociation). We do not feel complete.

I used the Loving Observer when I smoked. Before I was at 3 to 4, then before I lit up, I went to 5, really wanting the nicotine. Relief! Then I mellowed out to what felt like a 1 or 2, which was probably a very THIN 1, as I was sucking on a cigarette! No, it was probably a 3 and I was at 3 after that. It was interesting. I DID feel some compassion for myself. I guess I’m more stressed than I realized. My tracking was: BrainSt# 3 5 1? 4 3 3 2 I felt pretty good, about a 3, then I decided that I would have a doughnut because it looked so good. I could treat myself to it. I had been so good all day Just the idea of it lifted my spirits to a 1, probably a false high, a disconnected 4, then I bit into the doughnut, I got this huge sugar rush, and I couldn’t stop. Still on a false high, but then shame took over and feeling bloated and a little sick, a definite 5. Then shame, then numbness. So it was BrainSt# 3 4 5 5 5. I lovingly observed the entire show. BrainSt#1!

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Using the Loving Observer Tool Watch the show. Sit up in your PFC and watch the emotional brain state shift. Do not judge yourself. Stay warmly connected to yourself, and track your brain state, then feel a wave of compassion for yourself. BrainSt # ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ I was a loving observer of myself: YES

NO

NOT SURE

I felt a wave of compassion for myself: YES

NO

NOT SURE

What I learned: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________

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Joy Foods What follows are ideas for dinners (or lunches) that are luscious and based on eating foods that are compatible with our genes. Instant Joy – Cover half the plate with veggies tossed with a few nuts, oil and vinegar, thinly slice a chicken breast and serve with sweet, juicy fruit in season. Teriyaki Chicken & Strawberry Pecan Salad – 1 grilled chicken breast marinated in teriyaki sauce and salad greens topped with sliced strawberries and pecans – oil and vinegar dressing. Sauteed Snapper, Sliced Oranges & Asparagus – Sauté snapper or other fish in canola oil, and top with sliced almonds, capers and lemon, served with sliced oranges and steamed, crisp asparagus. Flank Steak, Corn and Sliced Tomatoes – Grill flank steak and serve with an ear of corn and sliced tomatoes drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette. Joe’s Special Scramble – Sauté in canola oil 1 diced onion, and 1 pound of ground round. Add 3 cups leaf spinach, garlic, salt and pepper and 3 eggs. Serve with sliced fruit.

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Freedom Salad – Bed of greens of your choice, topped with 5 ounces of grilled, warm salmon, chicken breast or flank steak, and your favorite veggies, oil, balsamic vinaigrette and seasonings. Nutty Chicken Salad – Top a plate of fresh greens with a hot sliced chicken breast, sliced on the diagonal and topped with dried cranberries, sliced green onions and walnut pieces. Drizzle with oil and vinegar dressing. Beef and Peppers – Shape 1/3 pound patties of ground round and season. Grill and serve with sautéed red, green and yellow peppers and sliced tomatoes topped with olive oil. Pork Tenderloin, Avocado Salad and Watermelon Wedges – Marinate pork tenderloin in hot mustard, vinaigrette, and peppers, and grill, serving with sliced avocados and wedges of watermelon. London Broil Smothered in Mushrooms and Caesar Salad – Marinate meat in vinaigrette plus garlic and sweet hot mustard to taste. Sautee mushrooms, broil steak and serve with tossed Romaine and Caesar dressing. Chicken & Pepper Stir Fry with Chopped Salad – Slice red, yellow and green peppers and onions, then sauté with cumin in canola oil, then chicken thighs cut into strips. Serve with Romaine lettuce chopped with tomatoes. 103


2. Changing the environment for easy Joy Points To create enough Joy Points to turn off the drive, changing the environment is key. In other words, make getting Joy Points EASY by de-stressing the environment and preparing it so that it’s easy to have a Joy Binge. Try ONE Joy Binge per day! The brain’s reward centers “light up” with surges of feel-good chemicals in response to any natural pleasure (our ancestors 1 million years ago used them) that PLEASES YOU! Notice the surge of pleasure in your body! Nature – Flowers, plants, being outside, being in water, walking in the rain, digging in the dirt, gardening, outdoor exercise and sports outside. Movement – Dancing, hiking, biking, yoga, basketball, tennis, soccer, Frisbee, lifting weights, stretching, jogging, jumping rope and swimming. Art & Music – Drawing, painting, singing, clowning, building something, listening to music, playing an instrument, screaming, drumming, ceramics. Connecting – Hugging, cuddling, spooning, back rubs, foot rubs, lovemaking, huddling around the fire, singing together, laughing together, petting the cat, playing with the dog, play wrestling with my kids. 104


Turn off the drive by giving yourself easy access to binges of natural pleasure. Build Joy Points into your lifestyle. Look around your home, your car and your workplace, and notice where there are “set ups� for using artificial rewards. Remove them! Rearrange your environment to promote natural pleasures. Be silly. Be naughty. Be joyful. Have some FUN! Rack up Joy Points!

I put my guitar in the family room, set up my art in the kitchen, and put my walking shoes next to the front door. I put the yoga mat in the middle of the kitchen, loaded up on music, so that I can dance while I clean house, and put up a basketball hoop above the garage door. I shoot baskets when I get home from work. I moved the car out of the garage, scrubbed the garage floor and now I have a dance studio for my daughter. I cleaned out my car and got rid of candy wrappers. I stocked it with my walking shoes, a tennis racket, Frisbee and a soccer ball. We used to eat while watching television, with my son playing videogames. Not anymore! I told the family that we are switching to natural pleasures. 105


We’re talking during dinner and for dessert? We take the dog (and ourselves) for a walk. I took the TV out of the bedroom, and set out candles, and soft lighting, perfect for romance. Change the environment for easy Joy Points: _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________

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Connection Have you found someone to connect with? Sharing these tools is a way to bring joy to others. If you haven’t found a person to connect with, consider checking out the Buddies forum board on the website to find someone. Call or text them daily, sharing how many Check Ins you did on the previous day, the number of minutes that you exercised, and if you got a Joy Point, then share it.

Website Support: www.ebt.org Check In Line: 877-765-4JOY Freedom Line: 855-422-FREE

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My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

I started a new dance class. Instant Joy Point!

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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”

Check-Ins

Check Ins

1

2

3

4

Joy Points

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

5

6

Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5

6 6

Exercise (60 minutes)

7

8

9

10

7 7

8 8

9 9

10 10

9

10

Joy Points

Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Joy Foods (60%: Breakfast and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today

Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 109


My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

I got sick last week. I still checked in!

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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”

Check-Ins

Check Ins

1

2

3

4

Joy Points

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

5

6

Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5

6 6

Exercise (60 minutes)

7

8

9

10

7 7

8 8

9 9

10 10

9

10

Joy Points

Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Joy Foods (60%: Breakfast and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today

Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 111


My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

We went to the farmer’s market yesterday. I’m eating for brain fitness. 112


My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”

Check-Ins

Check Ins

1

2

3

4

Joy Points

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

5

6

Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5

6 6

Exercise (60 minutes)

7

8

9

10

7 7

8 8

9 9

10 10

9

10

Joy Points

Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Joy Foods (60%: Breakfast and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today

Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 113


My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

I think I spend a lot of time at Brain State 5.

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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”

Check-Ins

Check Ins

1

2

3

4

Joy Points

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

5

6

Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5

6 6

Exercise (60 minutes)

7

8

9

10

7 7

8 8

9 9

10 10

9

10

Joy Points

Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Joy Foods (60%: Breakfast and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today

Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 115


My Check Ins Warmly Deep Body Observed Breaths at 1 Myself?

What Number Am I?

Accepted My State?

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

1 2 3 4 5

YES

My drive to overeat comes and goes.

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My Progress Create My Day: “I am creating JOY in my life.”

Check-Ins

Check Ins

1

2

3

4

Joy Points

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

5

6

Check-Ins Joy Points 5 5

6 6

Exercise (60 minutes)

7

8

9

10

7 7

8 8

9 9

10 10

9

10

Joy Points

Sanctuary Time (10 minutes or more)

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Joy Foods (60%: Breakfast and Dinner) Balancing Sleep (8 or more hours) Awaken Hungry (Body in Balance) _____ Total Points Today

Today’s Connection was with: _______________________________________ Biggest Accomplishment Today: _______________________________________ 117


Week 2 Progress Daily Points Average daily points this week? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Progress: Needs Work Good

8 Great

Freedom Assume your drive for excess is a 10 to start. What was it this week? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Progress: Needs Work Good Great

10

Emotional Housecleaning I feel angry that ___________________________. I feel sad that ____________________________. I feel afraid that ___________________________. I feel guilty that ___________________________. I feel grateful that _________________________. I feel happy that __________________________. I feel secure that __________________________. I feel proud that __________________________. Collect a Joy Point! 118


WFF Chapter 2: Authenticity