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APPENDICES

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EBT Community Guidelines Enjoy the EBT Community, keeping in mind the following guidelines to support the effective training by all.

Nurturing Voice Use a nurturing voice toward yourself and others.

Connecting Messages (CMs) After another person practices the skills in your presence, say some kind words, letting them know the feelings you experienced as you listened to them.

Be Positive Offer no judgments or criticisms.

Avoid Intrusions Do not interrupt or give unasked-for advice.

Make Requests When appropriate, make effective requests.

Stay Focused Do not mention other programs or products.

Confidentiality Allow for anonymity and confidentiality.

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Community Connections These skills are emotional, transmitted from one emotional brain to another.

Although learning how to use this method is cognitive, the practice of using the skills in a more and more effective way is largely emotional. The connection between two people is emotional and, using the skills with others is fundamental to emotional rewiring.

In EBT, we draw upon the power of Community Connections, practice of the tools with others, to deepen the rewards and productivity of the training. The basic expectation is to pick up the telephone and call people who use the method and practice the tools. The calls are limited to not more than 10 minutes, but our research has shown that these calls deepen the work substantially.

Community Connections are most effective when they are done in real time, in person or (more frequently) by telephone. You can find other ways to connect, too, such as instant messaging, texting, and emailing, but the more emotionally riveting the experience — such as in real time by phone or in person — the more the neural circuits create strong connections, that is, the more effective it is.

In Community Connections, one person contacts the other and they negotiate who is going to use the tools — primarily The Cycle Tool — and one person uses the tools while the other is a loving presence for them. The person who listens is working, too, that is, being present to and aware of their emotions. When the other person has completed their practice, the person who has listened usually offers a Connecting Message, doing something very difficult, to share what sensations, emotions and thoughts occurred to them as they listened! That giving back of emotional connection, showing that one was moved by listening to the person and willing to share that information, is extremely nurturing.

It’s important to keep Community Connections practical, so, again, they are limited to 10 minutes. Each activity in EBT is challenging. If it is not challenging, it will not provide a meaningful and effective experience in rewiring the emotional brain. However, the door to others is not always open. We suggest only making Connections, and saying “yes” to receiving them, when it is clear that something good will happen for you by doing that. Here are the basics for how to use this brain rewiring activity:

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How to Make A Community Connection 1. Turn to your Community Connection List.

2. Call Connections on the list until someone answers.

3. Ask, “Is this a good time?”

4. State any warnings that apply.

5. Do not chit-chat.

6. One person works while the other person listens.

7. When the person is done, give an intimate CM. 8. Keep the 10-minute limit.

9. Afterwards, pause and reflect and collect a Joy Point.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Making a Connection 1.Turn to your Community Connection List.

Your list of people in your EBT community should be readily available to you, including other members of your telegroup, people in your supporter program and others in the EBT community.

2. Call participants on the list until someone answers.

You do not have to be in stress to do a Connection. Just pick up the phone even if you feel very balanced. You can listen to the other person do a Cycle. If you are at Brain State 5 and worry you will not stay within guidelines, then don’t call.

Otherwise, do! Don’t worry that it might not be a good time for someone. Just call.

If nobody answers, then leave a message consisting of your first name and telephone number. Do not say that you are from EBT, from the group, or share anything else that identifies you.

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3. Ask, “Is this is a good time?”

Say, “This is Don. Is this a good time for you to do a Connection?” If they say, “No,” then make arrangements to connect at another time. If they say, “Yes,” then decide who will do a Cycle. Be sure to put any needed limits on the Connection such as, “I can listen but I can’t do a Cycle right now” or “I can only connect for 10 minutes. Is that enough time for you?” Agree on what you will do. If you are doing a Cycle, be sure to open the door slowly. You may feel more comfortable at first doing Cycles on situations that are not sensitive. If at any time you don’t feel safe during the Connection, simply end it. Just say so! Say, “I feel afraid. I don’t feel safe. I need to end this Community Connection. Would you please understand that I care about you, but I need to hang up now?” Period. Just hang up. You matter and your sense of safety is very important.

4. State any warnings that apply.

If you think that you might include potentially distressing words or images in your Connection or that the topic of your Cycle is sensitive, warn the listener and check if listening to this topic would feel safe or responsive to them. If it isn’t, then call another person on your list, use the Instant Connection on the website, or use the skills all by yourself. Examples of potentially distressing topics, words, and images include profanity, sex, violence toward others, religion, politics and death.

The expression of profanity is associated with effective use of the Cycle Tool, as it is an indication that there is sufficient stress to make the synapses between neurons more fluid and open to change. However, when you are getting to know a Connection, be sure to ask them about their preferences about profanity. When in doubt as to whether or not something is distressing, please check with the other person before beginning.

5. Do not chit-chat.

If chatting were the answer, we would all be Wired at 1 a long time ago. Your Community Connection time is very precious, so use it to do Cycles, not to chit-chat.

If the other person starts chatting, then give them an EBT Sandwich: “I love talking with you, but I’m worried that we’re not doing Cycles. I need to get back to balance about something. Would you please listen to me? I’m grateful for your support.”

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6. One person does work while the other person listens.

If you are doing a Cycle, state what it is that you are upset about, that is, share your Just the Facts. Just state the simple facts about what you are in stress about and do not express feelings in your Just the Facts. Then, continue doing the Cycle until you switch to Brain State 1. If you are listening, notice any tendency that you might have to merge with that person, to feel their feelings and lose awareness of your own. Notice also if you tend to distance from that person, to be aware of your own feelings but not theirs, and to become judgmental or critical. Use the skills to do your best to stay in balance and in intimacy — with a nurturing voice toward yourself and toward the other person. Also, observe the safety guidelines.

Be a loving presence for them while they do their work. Do not interrupt. Do not give unasked-for advice. Do not say anything unless the other person makes a specific request for help. Even if they do, please be very careful to speak from your experience, rather than telling them what to do.

7. When their work is done, give a Connecting Message.

Start the first statement with the words: When you did your work, the feelings and sensations in my body were . . . . and the second statement with: The way your work was a gift to me was . . .

Complete each sentence with the words that come to your mind when you pause after stating the lead-in phrase. Filter your statement to be sure that you feel safe saying those words and you believe that those words would be nurturing for them to hear. When you state the way that their work was a gift to you, be sure to include information that is revealing, so that you are as intimate with them as they have been with you. Be warm and nurturing but not parental. Saying, “You did a good job,” is putting yourself in the parental role. Be intimate, not parental, in your comments such as saying, “When you did your Cycle, I felt lots of feelings, positive and negative. I realized that I need to take out some trash about something similar.

I feel touched by your Cycle and feel grateful to you.”

8. Keep to the time limit.

Out of respect for each person needing to live a balanced life, be sure to keep to the limit of 10 minute Connections to do a Cycle.

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With respect to Cycles, we can all take an hour to do a Cycle. Some deep ones, often best done with the coaching of a Provider in a coaching session or a group, often take that long. However, these Connections are for self-help support, and it’s not reasonable to expect another person to have an endless amount of time to spend. If the period of 10 minutes is up and you are still in the middle of your Cycle, then consider sharing your feelings and needs with the other person, such as, “I’m worried about the time. I need to continue the Cycle, but I’ll do it on my own (or on the Instant Connection). How would that be for you?” If the other person is continuing to Cycle even though 10 minutes have passed, avoid interrupting them in the middle of their Natural Flow of Feelings, but when they get to their Reasonable Expectation, share your feelings and needs, such as, “I appreciate you are in the middle of doing your Cycle. I’m worried about the time. I need to check in with you and make a plan for concluding the Connection. Would you please tell me what would work for you? I know it’s hard to stop in the middle of a Cycle.”

Perhaps they will finish up their work in the next few minutes or you can make other plans.

This practice of being aware of the feelings and needs of another person without losing sight of your own feelings and needs is fundamental to becoming wired for joy. It’s not easy! However, concluding the Community Connection in a timely way is an important practice to cultivate. Without those limits, it’s not feasible for most people to make their time available to practice the skills with others.

9. Pause and reflect — score a Joy Point!

After your Connection, pause and reflect on the meaning of what you just did. You were just a loving presence for someone as they used the skills. You just used the skills yourself. The two of you are supporting one another in creating a life of joy.

Feel that surge of pleasure in your body and score a Joy Point.

You can pre-plan your Connections so that, for example, you know that on Thursdays at 8 p.m. you have a Connection with one particular person and on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, you have a Connection with another. You’ll probably find that there will be some weeks when nobody calls you! However, in the best of all worlds, you would have a Community Connection almost every day.

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Connecting Messages Connecting messages is what we say back to a person after they have done a Cycle.

The easiest way to make them so that they are highly effective in giving back to the person who did the Cycle is to keep it short and intimate, not parental. Start one sentence: When you did your work, the feelings and sensations in my body were… Start the next… The way your work was a gift to me (in my own inner life) was…

This is not easy to do, but it trains your brain for intimacy. Here are some examples of effective and ineffective connecting messages:

Effective: “When I heard your Cycle, I felt sad inside. The way your work was a gift to me was that I feel closer to you, and being close to others is hard for me, as I tend to distance. Thank you!”

Ineffective: “Our situations are exactly the same. We have so much in common and our mothers must have been separated at birth. I know precisely how you feel.”

Why is it ineffective?

This is an intrusive comment, one that reflects merging. How do you know that you are exactly the same? How do you know that you feel precisely the same? Here is a Connecting Message example:

Effective: “When you did your work, the feelings and sensations in my body were a glow in my chest and a little wetness in the corners of my eyes. I felt happy for you! The way your work was a gift to me was that I had a day at Brain State 5 and this is my first surge of joy of the day. I really needed that!

Ineffective: “That was the best cycle I’ve ever heard of yours. You are making a huge amount of progress and I think you are probably near to being Wired at 1...”

Why is it ineffective?

The member is putting himself/herself in the provider role. The appropriate role is as a peer. It’s not the peer role to make judgments or evaluate another person’s progress.

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Effective Requests EBT retrains the emotional brain, which is wired early in life to connect in a particular way. Small differences in that connection ramp up stress, so connections to others are highly effective in rewiring those small differences. This is why we are particularly careful how we respond to one another — within the Online Community, in groups, at retreats — because these responses rewire the earliest connections.

In stress, it is difficult to be close to others but maintain our boundary.

The intensity of intimacy occurs when we can stay separate but close. This is most difficult when we have needs, or are experiencing conflict. As a result, this technique for making effective requests was developed. Not all requests benefit from using this technique — an EBT Sandwich — however, those that are sensitive or challenging often do. You will learn more about this technique throughout the training.

Here’s how to make an effective request: Before making the request, be sure that you are at Brain State 1 or 2.

It’s not highly effective to make a request when in Brain States 4 and 5, because the brain is prone to extremes and it’s normal to merge (forget our own feelings and needs) or distance (forget the other person’s feelings or needs). Check in and identify your brain state. If you are in stress, appreciate that making a request may not bring something good for you. You might meet your immediate need — and sometimes that’s very important to do — however, the risk is that you will not strengthen the bond between you.

If you check in and decide to accept your state, and make a request anyway, in stress, then that is fine, but often it’s more effective to switch up your Brain State. In states of balance, you can ask yourself, ‘Is it a reasonable expectation that I make this request of this person at this time — and something good will happen for me?’ You might think, ‘Yes, I’ll get what I want!’ But that’s not the nature of the emotional brain. The circuits in the brain arouse like kind, so circuits that are aroused that favor bad outcomes for others, arouse circuits that favor bad outcomes for ourselves. In short, before making a request, be aware of your Brain State, and

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ask yourself, ‘Is it a reasonable expectation that making this request of this person at this time will bring something good for me?’ If the answer is ‘no,’ consider not making the request. If it is ‘yes,’ then make an effective request, drawing upon some of the ideas of this technique. Notice that emotionally intense communication is stressful, so this technique favors brevity.

Begin with expressing honest empathy, that is, White Bread.

Start by feeling empathy and compassion for the other person. This is not about you. It is about your being emotionally aware of them. Feel compassion for them not in your thoughts, but deeper, in your feelings. The brain experiences feelings in the body, so feel that wave of compassion in your body, and then express it.

You might say, “I appreciate that this is not easy,” or “I understand that listening can be difficult.”

Next, give a clear and emotionally connecting message, that is, The Meat.

After feeling compassion for them, return to focusing on your own feelings. Feel your feelings and state them. Sharing your feelings increases the chance that the other person will empathize with you. They may be more likely to agree to your request, and even if they do not, there is likely to be more intimacy between you.

Say, “I feel… I need… Would you please…?”

The most challenging part is the first part — to know and express your feelings.

When you say: “I feel… ” you arouse feelings in the other person. You express a feeling, such as: feeling angry, sad, afraid, guilty, grateful, happy, secure or proud.

It’s far less effective to express a thought, such as “I feel you should… ”

Conclude with more honest empathy, that is, more White Bread.

Go back inside and feel empathy and compassion for the other person again. Shift your attention to how this request might affect them, and how you feel about them.

Your being aware of their feelings, and sharing that can be effective in opening the “emotional pipeline” between you.

Notice that the requests you make not only take into account your feelings and needs but honors theirs, too.

Consider: “I feel angry with you for making a mess in the kitchen. I need you to clean it up. Would you please do that now?”

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There is no room in your request for their feelings and needs. Where is your appreciation for how they feel and what they need?

See the difference here: “I feel angry with you for making a mess in the kitchen. I feel guilty that I have taught you that it’s okay to do that and that I will always pick up after you. I need you to know that I’m not willing to do that anymore. I really need your help in cleaning up the kitchen. Would you please tell me how you feel about that?”

That clear, emotionally connecting, non-controlling request is easier to make when we feel empathy for them before and after the request!

Again, think: honest empathy, an emotionally connecting and clear message and more honest empathy. It’s White Bread, Meat, White Bread. At first, using Sandwiches may feel awkward but with practice, it becomes easier!

Example 1 HONEST EMPATHY: “Nichole, I know it’s been a long day. You look tired, and

I know that you are working hard, but...

CLEAR MESSAGE:

I feel lonely.

I need to feel closer to you.

Would you please talk with me about how you are feeling?

HONEST EMPATHY: I know you are tired, and I love you.”

Example 2 HONEST EMPATHY: “Margaret, I know that it’s really important to you to fix up the

house.

CLEAR MESSAGE:

I feel worried that we’re way over budget. I feel scared we’re

going to end up in debt.

I you to know that I don’t want to go into any more debt.

HONEST EMPATHY: I know the house is really important to you, and I care how

you feel.”

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Upping the Muscle What if that message doesn’t work? One option is to up the muscle. There are two kinds of requests: process and content. Process is a request about the communication, such as: I need you to speak to me with respect. Content is everything else! Consider process more important than content unless someone’s safety is on the line. Unless the process is working, the content request problem won’t result in anything that is good.

Use no more muscle that you need, however, the most common habit is to use only Muscle Level 1. Make a request, and then pause, get back to a reasonably balanced state and check if it’s a reasonable expectation that making another request of this person at this time about this situation would be likely to bring something good for you. If the answer is ‘no,’ then do not ask the question. If it is ‘yes,’ then select your level of muscle.

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EBT Sandwich Matrix Process Content Muscle Level 1 Honest Empathy

Honest Empathy

Clear Message

Clear Message

I feel…

I feel…

I need…

I need…

Would you please…

Would you please…

Honest Empathy

Honest Empathy

Muscle Level 2 Honest Empathy

Honest Empathy

Clear Message

Clear Message

I really feel…

I really feel…

I really need…

I really need…

Would you PLEASE…

Would you PLEASE…

Honest Empathy

Honest Empathy

Muscle Level 3 Honest Empathy

Honest Empathy

I really feel…

I really feel . . .

I REALLY need…

I REALLY need…

Would you please… and Would you please… and

consequence. consequence.

Honest Empathy

Honest Empathy

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Example 1 HONEST EMPATHY:

I appreciate that you are busy.

CLEAR MESSAGE:

I feel worried about Annie. I need to talk with you.

Would you please talk with me?

HONEST EMPATHY:

I know you’re in the middle of something.

RESPONSE:

I don’t have time for this. You are always asking me to do things right when it’s the worst possible time.

What’s wrong with you anyway?

NOTE:

Okay, I went right to 5 and wanted to scream at her.

I took a few belly breaths, and got to Brain State 1.5 and asked myself, ‘Is it a reasonable expectation that something good will happen for me by asking this question of this person at this time?’ The answer was ‘no,’ so I said nothing. I stood there and felt love for her.

Clearly, she was at Brain State 5. A couple of minutes went by in loving silence, rather than the usual cold glare. I waited until the next day, and she was still at 5.

The kids were being affected and so was I, so I asked myself, ‘Is it a reasonable expectation that making this request of this person at this time will bring something good for me?’ The answer was ‘yes,’ I used the least muscle possible, but all the muscle I needed, which was Muscle Level 2. I had planned a Muscle Level 3 Sandwich, in case I needed it.

HONEST EMPATHY:

Kate, I know you are under a lot of stress. I appreciate that.

CLEAR MESSAGE:

I feel really angry when you say, “What’s wrong with you anyway? I really need you to know that I will not tolerate insults. Would you please let me know if you understand that?

HONEST EMPATHY:

(No honest empathy, because it would not be authentic right now.)

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RESPONSE:

You’re always criticizing me. All you do is tell me what is wrong with me. If you loved me, you would accept that I am stressed. You’re just like my father, always picking at me.

NOTE:

Okay, I went to Brain State 5, but I could still give one more Sandwich to lovingly separate.

HONEST EMPATHY:

Kate, I understand you’re stressed.

CLEAR MESSAGE:

I feel really sad that you speak to me like that. I need you to know I don’t accept it. (My clear message was leaving the room.)

HONEST EMPATHY:

(Actually, I felt empathy for her, for myself and for anyone on the planet who has a relationship!)

EBT Sandwich Tips n

Trust your body feel of compassion, then say a few empathic words.

n

Empathy is about them, how it is for them, putting yourself in their shoes.

n

Keep all sentences very short, particularly the clear message.

n

Do not speak unless the vagal brake is engaged.

n

Never use this to manipulate. Emotional honesty is paramount.

n

Do not give a Sandwich unless it is a reasonable expectation that something good would happen for you by giving this message to this person at this time.

n

Practice upping the muscle in role plays in your EBT Group, on the EBT Internet Community forum boards and in Community Connections.

n

Do Cycles to clear away old circuits that promote being passive or aggressive.

n

Celebrate assertion as a form of emotional honesty and loving kindness.

n

Be prepared to stay connected with yourself, even if their response is NOT what you want to hear.

n

Afterwards, pause and reflect on what occurred and collect a Joy Point!

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Example 1 HONEST EMPATHY

I appreciate that you are really tired.

CLEAR MESSAGE

I feel depressed that the kitchen is a mess. I need your help in cleaning it. Would you please help me?

HONEST EMPATHY

I know you feel like going to bed.

RESPONSE:

I do. I don’t want to do the dishes. Can’t you do them in the morning?

NOTE:

I got triggered. Now I didn’t care about the dishes. I just cared about pouncing on him and making him wrong. It was an old circuit… I was definitely at 4, but my husband’s been getting into the EBT Community, and I decided to give another Sandwich.

HONEST EMPATHY

I appreciate that you didn’t mean to trigger me…

CLEAR MESSAGE

I feel really stressed. I got triggered by what you said.I really need you to listen to me do a Cycle. Would you please?

HONEST EMPATHY

I know it would help me a lot.

RESPONSE:

OK.

NOTE:

Doing a Cycle with someone when it is a covert attempt to harm them is a Safety Violation (not consistent with Community Guidelines). However, if you are clear that it is an old circuit, then sometimes it can be useful.

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Example 2 HONEST EMPATHY

I know you just got home from your vacation.

CLEAR MESSAGE

I feel tired of taking care of Bertha. I need you to take her to the doctor appointment tomorrow. Would you please tell me if that would work for you

HONEST EMPATHY

I know you are busy, too.

RESPONSE:

I don’t have time, and besides, it’s not my fault that you baby her. She can get the neighbor to take her or she can drive herself if she has to. You always do this, giving too much, then dumping it on me. I’m not you. I don’t feel toward Bertha the way you do.

NOTE:

My vagal brake disengaged. My throat burned with stress, and I knew it was not about him. He was right.

He is always right. I needed to get away from him and do a Cycle. Yet it was reasonable to expect that giving another Sandwich would bring something good for me.

HONEST EMPATHY

(None. It didn’t feel authentic at the moment.)

CLEAR MESSAGE

I feel sad and angry. I need you to know you’re probably right, but right now I feel bad. I need some time to cool off. (I didn’t make a request verbally, but I began to leave and he understood me, I could tell from his facial expression. I felt seen.

HONEST EMPATHY

I do love you.

RESPONSE:

Heidi, I love you, too. I’m sorry this is hard.

NOTE:

Actually, I didn’t end up doing a Cycle right then. I started a 10 X 10 on it that night, but as I left him, I felt loved.

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The 3-Day Vibrancy Plan Take 3 days to rebalance your body and brain. Check in 10 times per day and engage in the brain fitness elements that reset your chemistry to promote joy. This is a time to mirror the joy of our ancestors and to engage in a lifestyle that is compatible with our genes. Minimize artificial pleasures and binge on natural pleasures. If you like, track your weight before and after the change. Here are the elements of the plan.

T

Create My Day: I am creating JOY in my life.

T

Get Check In Support:

Set an hourly reminder device or the EBT app so that you interrupt business as usual in your brain and emotionally connect with your body and yourself on an hourly basis. Do 10 check ins.

T

Make a Community Connection.

Make a community connection and commit to your plan.

T

Take brain fitness supplements.

Often this is a therapeutic dose of vitamins and minerals and 2 grams of fish oil.

Throughout the day, take any medications needed to optimize your health.

T

Exercise for 30 minutes.

Boost metabolism and get 30 minutes of exercise under your belt.

T

Eat an EBT Breakfast and drink 2 glasses of water.

Protein group, healthy fat, fiber group and eat slowly, enjoying every bite, and give yourself a Joy Point when you conclude the meal.

T

Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water.

Whatever you do it will be meaningful if you keep the earned rewards in mind. Do not under- or over-work. Be present, aware of your breathing, and connected to the sanctuary within. Ask yourself, ‘Why am I doing this… sanctuary, authenticity, vibrancy, integrity, intimacy, spirituality or freedom?’

T

Eat an EBT Lunch and drink 2 glasses of water.

Protein Group, Healthy Fat, Fiber Group and eat slowly, enjoying every bite, and give yourself a Joy Point when you conclude the meal.

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Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water.

Keep the eudonic rewards in mind. Do not under- or over-work. Stick with your check ins and appreciate how important body rebalancing is. Be present, aware of your breathing, and connected to the sanctuary within.

T

Do something in your EBT Kit.

Whether it is listening to an Imagine, watching a video or writing in your journal, pause and strengthen the wiring that creates joy in your life with progress in moving up your set point.

Exercise for 30 minutes and take Sanctuary Time for 10 minutes.

T

Relax and energize by exercising for 30 minutes. Do something that is nurturing to you such as yoga, walking in nature, stretching, screaming, playing ball or walking with a friend. Take 10 minutes to relax and take sanctuary time: Use an EBT meditation.

T

Eat an EBT Dinner and drink 2 glasses of water.

Protein group, healthy fat, fiber group and eat slowly, enjoying every bite, and give yourself a joy point when you conclude the meal.

T

Have a Natural Pleasure Binge.

This is the time to give yourself the natural pleasures you need. It’s only 3 days. You can go back to artificial pleasures then. For now, pour on the pleasure from loving companionship, sensual and sexual pleasures, emotional connection, music, dance, art, grooming, nature, prayer, learning from reading books or doing something, playing with children, pets or friends —but no artificial devices. The limit: NO pleasures that our ancestors did not enjoy 1 million years ago. Binge on natural pleasure!

T

Make another Community Connection.

Make a community connection and share your joy from the day.

T

Creating My Day: I created JOY in my life.

Identify your biggest accomplishment of your day with your 3-Day Plan, and the

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biggest challenge of the next day, what you most want to focus on to get the best results with your 3-Day Plan. Bring to mind three moments of joy in your day and drift off to sleep.

T

Balancing Sleep.

Go to sleep in time to be sure that you have 7 to 9 hours of sleep. It’s only for 3 days.

You can do this! The essential pain? What is it? The earned reward? What is the reward that is most important to you… sanctuary, authenticity, vibrancy, integrity, intimacy, spirituality or freedom?

Setting up your 3-Day Plan: T

Connection Buddy — Arrange for a connection buddy to do this too, and

to check in morning and evening for 3 days.

T

EBT Foods — Purchase foods you love, which are on the EBT food list. Keep

in mind that whenever you REALLY NEED a stress food, you will have it without any question. However, be aware that by using this plan, the drive to overeat will fade. It will be far easier than you might expect.

T

Set Limits — Set limits with those around you. Give the EBT sandwiches

so that they know this is important to you, and what support you need from them (e.g., take care of the kids, go for a walk with me, keep stress foods out of sight, no technology use in the evening, be open to sharing natural pleasures with me in the evening).

T

Arrange Schedule — Rearrange your work/school/project schedule so

that you engage in 4 hours of focused, intensive-but-not-draining activities in the morning and afternoon. Plan your schedule for sleep, connections, meditation, exercise and play.

T

Get started!

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The 3-Day Vibrancy Plan Record: DAY 1 n

Create My Day: I am creating JOY in my life.

n

Get Check In Support.

n

Make a Community Connection.

n

Take brain fitness supplements.

n

Exercise for 30 minutes.

n

Eat an EBT Breakfast and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water..

n

Eat an EBT Lunch and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water.

n

Do something in your EBT Kit.

n

Exercise for 30 minutes and take Sanctuary Time for 10 minutes.

n

Eat an EBT Dinner and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Have a Natural Pleasure Binge.

n

Make another Community Connection.

n

Create My Day: I created JOY in my life.

n

Balancing Sleep.

Did I do 10 Check Ins? YES Number of Brain Fitness Activities Checked? _____ Reflections on your day: _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

EBT Kit 7: Freedom Appendices

The 3-Day Vibrancy Plan Record: DAY 2

225

n

Create My Day: I am creating JOY in my life.

n

Get Check In Support.

n

Make a Community Connection.

n

Take brain fitness supplements.

n

Exercise for 30 minutes.

n

Eat an EBT Breakfast and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water..

n

Eat an EBT Lunch and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water.

n

Do something in your EBT Kit.

n

Exercise for 30 minutes and take Sanctuary Time for 10 minutes.

n

Eat an EBT Dinner and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Have a Natural Pleasure Binge.

n

Make another Community Connection.

n

Create My Day: I created JOY in my life.

n

Balancing Sleep.

Did I do 10 Check Ins? YES Number of Brain Fitness Activities Checked? _____ Reflections on your day: _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

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The 3-Day Vibrancy Plan Record: DAY 3 n

Create My Day: I am creating JOY in my life.

n

Get Check In Support.

n

Make a Community Connection.

n

Take brain fitness supplements.

n

Exercise for 30 minutes.

n

Eat an EBT Breakfast and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water..

n

Eat an EBT Lunch and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Do Meaningful Work and drink 1 glass of water.

n

Do something in your EBT Kit.

n

Exercise for 30 minutes and take Sanctuary Time for 10 minutes.

n

Eat an EBT Dinner and drink 2 glasses of water.

n

Have a Natural Pleasure Binge.

n

Make another Community Connection.

n

Create My Day: I created JOY in my life.

n

Balancing Sleep.

Did I do 10 Check Ins? YES Number of Brain Fitness Activities Checked? _____ Reflections on your day: _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

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Cycle Time Cycle Time is a chance for both people in a committed relationship to express their emotions to one another in a way that increases intimacy and provides safety.

It is normal in committed relationships for each person to activate the hurts of another from past relationships, particularly early life relationships that shape our emotional circuitry.

To reset a relationship so that it is not limited by our past early wiring requires expressing raw emotions with each other when both people are in Brain State 4.

We use Cycle Time to do that.

Both people agree that they trust and love each other and are willing to share their strong negative emotions to each other to renew the relationship and prevent merging or distancing.

Both people recognize that the feelings expressed are 90 percent “rubbish” as the more extreme areas of the brain are being activated. However, they are willing to share these feelings to heal the past, enhance intimacy, and strengthen their loving bond.

Why are 90 percent of the feelings expressed rubbish? Because when we are in stress we encode inaccurate thoughts and feelings. They are encoded in wires or fear memories that are only activated when we are as stressed as we were when they were encoded.

The purpose of relationships is to support one another’s emotional evolution. We can only do that if we activate one another’s early memories, then offer a safe place, a secure haven in which to express them. Our partner not only does not judge the feelings, but shows us great trust by expressing his or her own. This causes healing of the past and a deepening of the relationship, with more emotional closeness, sexual pleasure and loving companionship.

EBT Dose of Cycle Time: Use this tool often, and make it part of you and your loved one’s EBT Practice. The dose of Cycle Time recommended for most couples ranges from 1 time per day to 1 time per week.

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How To Do Cycle Time Time: It takes as long as it takes! However, it usually takes about 20 minutes.

Needed Conditions: Relationship set point: 4 or above.

Participant Brain State: Both people are at Brain State 4 or above. Both participants review and consent to the following rules.

The 10 Rules of Cycle Time: 1. We acknowledge that we care about each other and about our relationship.

2. We accept that 90 percent of what is said is inaccurate, the product of the reptilian brain’s unreasonable expectations and deep hurts from early relationships or later, during trauma.

3. We agree that our purpose in doing Cycle Time is to promote the emotional evolution of each individual and the intimacy in the relationship.

4. We will use connecting body language (knee to knee, facing toward each other and maintaining eye contact).

5. There are two roles: listening and speaking. When listening, we do not speak. We are a loving presence for the other. We give no advice. We do not interrupt. We simply listen without judgment. When speaking, we express feelings without censoring them. When we speak, we use the following structure:

ANGER — I feel angry that…

SADNESS — I feel sad that…

FEAR — I feel afraid that…

GUILT — I feel guilty that… (and if these feelings arise, especially later in the process)

GRATEFUL — I feel grateful that…

HAPPY — I feel happy that…

SECURE — I feel secure that…

PROUD — I feel proud that…

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6. We take turns speaking and listening. When it is our turn to speak, after we have expressed all the feelings that feel authentic, we say the word DONE and slap our own knees with two hands. Then it is the other person’s turn to express those feelings. We continue this process, saying DONE, slap own knees, etc., taking turns, until both people say they feel complete.

7. Each person has the opportunity to stop the process at any time without protest of the other and separate from the other for that moment if they do not feel safe, just by saying, “I do not feel safe.” OR “I care about you, but I am stopping for now.”

8. When several turns for each person have occurred, often the feelings become more positive. Usually they start with negative feelings that are very strong. This progression from intensely negative feelings toward more positive ones occurs as stress is alleviated and healing occurs.

9. Afterwards, the two people have the option of giving each other Connecting Messages, however, often they will feel so complete that simply saying that they feel complete is enough.

10. After the Cycle Time, each individual reminds himself or herself that most of what was said was inaccurate, but that by processing it together, the relationship is more authentic and each individual is healthier and happier. It is not OK to bring up what was said in the Cycle Time later, unless the person first checks with the other if it would feel safe to them for them to bring it up. In general, this Cycle Time is used for emotional expression that is uncensored, so bringing things up about what was said is often not needed or counterproductive. In general, the rule is: LET IT BE.

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Body Progress EBT is a form of integrative medicine, making changes in many health-related aspects of life in order to see important beneficial results more easily and more quickly. Make progress with health and fitness to ease stress, and use the tools of the method to ease stress and improve health and fitness. Here is how to check three indices of your health that affect stress and that are affected by stress.

Resting Heart Rate Track the number of times your heart beats per minute when you are at rest. Your resting heart rate tends to decreases as your heart becomes stronger with physical activity and as you become more fit. Also, use this measure to determine your training heart rate that is safe and effective.

Use your fingers, not your thumb, to take your pulse a couple of minutes after awakening in the morning so that you are at complete rest. To take your heart rate at the neck, place your first two fingers on either side of your neck, being careful not to press too hard. Or place your index and middle fingers together on your opposite wrist in line with your index finger. Count the number of beats you feel for 1 minute and record it.

Our priority is to monitor resting heart rate over time, noticing changes as you ease stress and establish a new emotional set point.

Target Heart Rate Some people use resting heart rate to adjust their exercise program. Most of the time you can assess your exertion level for exercise based on your capacity to carry on a conversation while you are exercising (“the talk test”) or by being aware of how your body feels as you exercise (“perceived exertion”). If you want to calculate your target heart rate for exercise, follow the formula below and check with your physician for additional information and recommendations.

1. How intensively do you want to exercise? low = 60% medium = 70% high = 80% 2. Calculate your heart rate reserve: Add your age to your resting heart rate. Subtract that number from 220.

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3. Use this information to calculate your target heart rate: (intensity ______% x heart rate reserve ______ ) + resting heart rate: ______

Example: I haven’t been exercising, so I’m going to start at 60% for my intensity.

My heart rate reserve: My age is 40 and my resting heart rate is 60 so the total = 100.

220 minus 100 = 110. That is my heart rate reserve. [.60 (intensity) x 110 (heart rate reserve)] + 60 (resting heart rate) = 126

Blood Pressure Blood pressure measures the force of blood against the walls of your arteries, and when it is elevated, your heart is working hard, putting a strain on your heart muscle and arteries and that can cause damage to heart, blood vessels, kidneys, and other parts of your body. There are no signs of high blood pressure, and it can creep up on you so monitoring it is really important. One in three adults in the United States has high blood pressure.

Blood pressure numbers include systolic (sis-TOL-ik) and diastolic (di-aSTOL-ik) pressures. Systolic blood pressure is the pressure when the heart beats while pumping blood. Diastolic blood pressure is the pressure when the heart is at rest between beats.

You will most often see blood pressure numbers written with the systolic number above or before the diastolic, such as 120/80 mmHg. (The mmHg is millimeters of mercury, the units used to measure blood pressure.)

Take your blood pressure on your own (there are home devices that are great to have on hand for kids to learn from and for you to check periodically). You can also go to your health care professional or even take the test at the local health fair.

The table below shows how to interpret your blood pressure, in four levels.

Blood pressure tends to go up and down, even in people who have normal blood pressure. If your numbers stay above normal most of the time, you’re at risk. Share this information with your health care professional.

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Your Blood Pressure Level Top Number

Bottom Number

Systolic

Diastolic

Below 120

AND

Category

Below 80

Normal

120-139

OR

80-99

Prehypertension

140-159

OR

90-99

Stage 1 Hypertension

100 or more

Stage 2 Hypertension

160 or more OR

The ranges in the table apply to most adults (aged 18 and older) who don’t have short-term serious illnesses. All levels above 120/80 mmHg raise your risk, and the risk grows as blood pressure levels rise. “Prehypertension” means you’re likely to end up with HBP, unless you take steps to prevent it. If you’re being treated for HBP and have repeat readings in the normal range, your blood pressure is under control.

However, you still have the condition. You should see your doctor and stay on treatment to keep you blood pressure under control.

Adapted from Mayo Clinic and Centers for Disease Control information on hypertension.

Body Mass Index Body Mass Index (BMI) is a number calculated from a person’s weight and height.

BMI provides a reliable indicator of body fatness for most people and is used to screen for weight categories that may lead to health problems.

Determine your waist circumference by placing a measuring tape snugly around your waist. It is a good indicator of your abdominal fat, which is a risk factor for developing heart disease and other diseases. This risk increases with a waist measurement of over 40 inches for men and over 35 inches in women.

35

36

37

38

144 151 159 166 174 182 189 197 204 212 219 227 235 242 250 257 265 272 280 288 295 302 310 318 325 333 340 348 355 363 371 378 386 393 401 408

148 155 163 171 179 186 194 202 210 218 225 233 241 249 256 264 272 280 287 295 303 311 319 326 334 342 350 358 365 373 381 389 396 404 412 420

152 160 168 176 184 192 200 208 216 224 232 240 248 256 264 272 279 287 295 303 311 319 327 335 343 351 359 367 375 383 391 399 407 415 423 431

156 164 172 180 189 197 205 213 221 230 238 246 254 263 271 279 287 295 304 312 320 328 336 344 353 361 369 377 385 394 402 410 418 426 435 443

74

75

76

Source: Adapted from Clinical Guidelines on the Identification, Evaluation, and Treatment of Overweight and Obesity in Adults: The Evidence Report.

99 104 109 114 119 124 128 133 138 143 148 153 158 163 168 173 178 183 188 193 198 203 208 212 217 222 227 232 237 242 247 252 257 262 267

73

54

140 147 154 162 169 177 184 191 199 206 213 221 228 235 242 250 258 265 272 279 287 294 302 309 316 324 331 338 346 353 361 368 375 383 390 397

53

72

52

136 143 150 157 165 172 179 186 193 200 208 215 222 229 236 243 250 257 265 272 279 286 293 301 308 315 322 329 338 343 351 358 365 372 379 386

51

71

50

132 139 146 153 160 167 174 181 188 195 202 209 216 222 229 236 243 250 257 264 271 278 285 292 299 306 313 320 327 334 341 348 355 362 369 376

49

70

48

128 135 142 149 155 162 169 176 182 189 196 203 209 216 223 230 236 243 250 257 263 270 277 284 291 297 304 311 318 324 331 338 345 351 358 365

47

69

46

125 131 138 144 151 158 164 171 177 184 190 197 203 210 216 223 230 236 243 249 256 262 269 276 282 289 295 302 308 315 322 328 335 341 348 354

45

68

44

121 127 134 140 146 153 159 166 172 178 185 191 198 204 211 217 223 230 236 242 249 255 261 268 274 280 287 293 299 306 312 319 325 331 338 344

42 43

67

41

118 124 130 136 142 148 155 161 167 173 179 186 192 198 204 210 216 223 229 235 241 247 253 260 266 272 278 284 291 297 303 309 315 322 328 334

40

66

39

114 120 126 132 138 144 150 156 162 168 174 180 186 192 198 204 210 216 222 228 234 240 246 252 258 264 270 276 282 288 294 300 306 312 318 324

Body Weight (pounds)

34

65

33

110 116 122 128 134 140 145 151 157 163 169 174 180 186 192 197 204 209 215 221 227 232 238 244 250 256 262 267 273 279 285 291 296 302 308 314

32

64

31

107 113 118 124 130 135 141 146 152 158 163 169 175 180 186 191 197 203 208 214 220 225 231 237 242 248 254 259 265 270 278 282 287 293 299 304

30

63

29

104 109 115 120 126 131 136 142 147 153 158 164 169 175 180 186 191 196 202 207 213 218 224 229 235 240 246 251 256 262 267 273 278 284 289 295

28

62

27

100 106 111 116 122 127 132 137 143 148 153 158 164 169 174 180 185 190 195 201 206 211 217 222 227 232 238 243 248 254 259 264 269 275 280 285

26

61

25

97 102 107 112 118 123 128 133 138 143 148 153 158 163 168 174 179 184 189 194 199 204 209 215 220 225 230 235 240 245 250 255 261 266 271 276

24

60

23

94

22

59

21

Extreme Obesity

96 100 105 110 115 119 124 129 134 138 143 148 153 158 162 167 172 177 181 186 191 196 201 205 210 215 220 224 229 234 239 244 248 253 258

20

Obese

91

19

Overweight

58

Height (inches)

BMI

Normal

Body Mass Index Table

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EBT Food List In EBT, three aspects of lifestyle — sleep, exercise, and food — are integrated into the training because they impact both neurogenesis and neuroplasticity (the brain’s capacity to change itself) and stress.

In particular, the when, what, and how much we eat can have a formidable impact on stress and reward. Throughout EBT, we recommend using the EBT Food List, as the foods listed in the three groups ease stress, decrease appetite, promote health, and decrease the potential of addictive eating.

The basic idea is that all these foods have certain nutritional attributes and physiological effects. Eat them as a nurturing act.

By eating a variety of these foods that you enjoy, you can ease stress and promote effective functioning of your reward pathways.

On the other hand, the stress foods increase inflammation and can cause neurotransmitter highs and lows. They increase stress in the brain and can become addicitive.

Shifting your nutritional intake toward these foods and away from the stress/ addiction foods makes perfect sense if your goal is to be wired at Brain State 1.

Joy Foods Hunter Gatherer Foods Hunter gatherer foods are more gene friendly as they have been consumed by humans for 99% of our existence, so they ease stress, decrease hunger and promote vibrancy.

1. The Fiber Group Vegetables Acorn squash Artichokes Arugula Asparagus Bamboo shoots Banana squash Bean sprouts Beets Bok choy Broccoli Brussels sprouts Butternut squash Cabbage Carrots Cauliflower Celery Chard Chayote Avocados Olives Omega 3 eggs Salmon Sardines

Corn Cucumbers Eggplant Endives Fennel Green onions/scallions Green Peas Hubbard squash Jicama Kale Leeks Mushrooms Mustard Greens Okra Onions Parsnips Pea pods Peppers Potatoes

Pumpkin Radishes Romaine Scallions Shallots Snap peas Snow peas Spaghetti squash Spinach Sprouts Summer Squash Sweet Potato Swiss Chard Tomatoes Water chestnuts Yams Yellow summer squash Zucchini

Fruits Apples Apricots Bananas Blackberries Blueberries Cantaloupe Cranberries Cherries Grapefruit Grapes Guavas Figs Honeydew melon Kiwis Lemons Limes Mangoes

Melons Nectarines Oranges Papayas Peaches Pears Persimmons Pineapples Pomegranates Plums Prunes Raisins Raspberries Strawberries Tangelos Tangerines Watermelon

Oil Almond Avocado Canola Flaxseed* Hazelnut Macademia

Olive, extra virgin* Peanut Pecan Walnut

2. Healthy Fats Seeds Flaxseeds Pumpkin seeds Sesame seeds Butters from the above

Nuts Almonds Hazelnuts Macadamia Peanuts Pecans Pistachios Walnuts Butters from the above

Salad Dressings Dressings made with vinegar or lemon and healthy oils.

3. The Protein Group Fish & Shellfish Barrmundi Calamari Clams Cod Crab Halibut Haddock Herring, Atlantic Mackerel, Atlantic Mahi-mahi Mussels Ono

Poultry & Meat Beef round steak Beef round, ground Beef flank steak Beef sirloin tip roast Buffalo Canadian bacon Chicken, ground Chicken breast Chicken drumsticks, skinless Chicken thighs, skinless Goat meat Ham, all fat removed

Oysters, farmed Prawns Red snapper Salmon, Alaskan, wild Sardines Scallops, farmed Shrimp Sole Squid Tilapia Trout Tuna, albacore Tuna, yellow fin

Lamb steaks Pork chops, lean Pork tenderloin Sausage links, low-fat Sheep meat Turkey, ground Turkey breast Veal lean Venison

More Eggs Egg substitute Egg whites Protein powder

Agrarian Foods Agrarian foods provide important nutrients, but they may cause more stress, hunger and inflammation for some people.

Grains 100% whole grain bread 100% whole grain cereals 100% whole grains cooked

Beans Legumes Beans

Milk Products Milk Yogurt Cheese

Stress Foods Post Industrial Revolution Foods The post-industrial revolution foods cause even more stress, hunger and inflammation in humans.

Everything else!

Questions? Speak with a registered dietitian, physician or nurse practitioner about the amounts of agrarian and industrial foods that are appropriate for you given your health status and risk factors for obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, depression, anxiety, addiction and other conditions.

In the Fiber Group, choose vegetables and fruits that are organic and farmed locally when possible. Rather than consuming juices, eat whole fruits and vegetables. In the Healthy Fats group, (*) these oils have exceptionally good healthy fat contents. In the Protein Group, emphasize consumption of fish and choose red meat in moderation, choosing natural, grass-fed meats cooked without frying or grilling when possible. © L. Mellin 2013 www.ebt.org

The EBT “Spiral Up!” Pocket Reminder Use the ‘Check In’ side of this pocket reminder to identify your state, then flip to the other side to use the lead-ins to spiral up.

Tools to Spiral Up!

Check In  

Connected

1 2

Deep breaths What number am I?

Feeling Great!

Feeling Good

1

2

Compassion Tool  Feel compassion for myself.  Feel compassion for others.  Feel compassion for all living beings.

Feelings Tool  How do I feel?  What do I need?  Do I need support?

Flow Tool  I feel angry that…sad…afraid…guilty…  I feel grateful that…happy…secure… proud…

3

3

A Little Stressed

Cycle Tool  The situation is…  What I’m most stressed about is…  I feel angry that…sad…afraid…guilty…  Of course I would do that, because my unreasonable expectation is…  My reasonable expectation is…  Repeat 10 times to spiral up!

Disconnected

4

Definitely Stressed

5

Stressed Out!

© 2016 L Mellin All Rights Reserved

4

5

Damage Control Tool  Do Not Judge.  Minimize Harm.  Know It Will Pass.

www.ebt.org

(Cut out around the thick gray line of this EBT Pocket Reminder then fold along the dotted line.)

The EBT “Strenthen the Core” Pocket Reminder Look at the ‘7 Core Circuits’ side of the pocket reminder and read the list of “Connect” expectations. If one activates a strong body response, then flip over the pocket reminder and repeat the corresponding core grind-in 10 times.

7 Circuits to Strengthen Your Core

The 7 Core Circuits

Disconnected

Connected

1

Existence I do not exist.

I do exist.

2

Essence

I am bad.

I am not bad.

3

Power

I do not have power. I do have power.

Reasonable Essential Expectation Pain?

1

I am alone.

2

I am not perfect. Authenticity

I do exist.

I am not bad.

Earned Reward?

Sanctuary

3

4

Purpose I cannot do good.

5

Love

6

Desire I am not worthy.

7

Wisdom I cannot have joy. I can have joy.

I cannot love.

I can do good.

I can love.

I am worthy.

I do have power. I am not in Vibrancy

complete control.

4

I can do good.

5

I can love.

It takes work. Integrity

Some people may reject me.

Intimacy

I am worthy.

I must receive.

Spirituality

6 7

I can have joy.

I must give.

Freedom

© 2016 L Mellin All Rights Reserved

www.ebt.org

(Cut out around the thick gray line of this EBT Pocket Reminder then fold along the dotted line.)