I Am the Eternal Flame

by Joonha Ko

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:6-7

My faith has been like a fire in many ways. When I first understood that God was who I wanted to pursue, my heart was much like an ember. I went to church on Sundays and Fridays in hopes of learning more about God. I would consistently read the Bible and pray, yet there was still a void in my heart. There were many instances in which the ember would gain heat but die out right before it could catch flame. It may have been the feeling of a retreat high or even hanging out with my church friends on the weekend, but that high only lasted a few days or a week. For a long time, I felt very discouraged. Many times I questioned, “Was this all faith had to offer?”

However, in my eighth grade year with my pastor and friends' persuasion, I decided to join the praise team. I had no experience with any type of instrument and I felt like I was not qualified. Yet, I decided to give it my full effort, hoping to worship God with a serving heart. I had many countless nights just practicing the chords and memorizing the different scales on a piano. In our weekly praise team meetings, I had to demonstrate what I had practiced and I was so nervous. However, when it was over, the praise team leader had told me that he could really see that God worked and that my playing had been a blessing. We read 2 Timothy 1: 6-7 that same day and this was the moment a flame was lit in my heart. I realized that God continuously worked in our lives and that they weren’t meant to be lived alone. God was telling me to not be timid, but be confident in leading the church in worship, since God was with me. From that moment, there have been countless moments where the Spirit has given me power, love and self discipline.

In high school, I spent a lot of time with my basketbll teammates who did drugs, drank alcohol, and hooked up with many people. I knew that whatever they did, I did not want to be led astray from my pursuit of God. There were many moments when they would try to peer pressure me into taking a hit of the bong or take shots of tequila the night before our big game. My desire to fit in shook me and I felt temptation creep in. However, in the back of my mind, I knew that God was always there for me and I did not need these things to satisfy myself. There were many times I was looked down upon for being the “party-pooper” and I was always judged as an athlete who was “different”. For a while, my heart struggled with feelings of bitterness towards my friends for trying to lead me down a path of unrighteousness. I especially struggled with this my senior year of highschool when they would come to games hungover and the coach would still give them more playing time than me. This was one of the darkest seasons of my life. My frustrations with my teammates and coach ultimately led me to opt out of playing basketball for my senior year. Stepping away from basketball really affected my relationship with many of my closest friends as they felt like I gave up on them.

Once my high school basketball career was cut short, I had the time to be able to attend my church’s winter retreat for the first time. During the last night, one of the topics we were encouraged to pray about was friends. I could not help but close my eyes and think about my basketball teammates. I felt a tear roll down my face. I realized that I should not be bitter towards them but rather pray for them with a heart of compassion and love. My own hardened heart was just as sinful as drinking and smoking – it was through this realization that God pushed me to change. As a believer of Christ, He calls us to love everyone in the world. God reminded me that only He could judge and that my spiritual pride was creating a superiority complex that was damaging my relationship with Him.

About a month or so after the prayer, God used what was stripped away from me to really bring a friend to Him. My church participated in many basketball tournaments annually and God called me to bring out one of my closest friends to church. Through the sport of basketball and bonding with the church community, my friend was really able to learn about the love that God has been trying to show him. Ultimately, he decided to pursue God and it was through this moment that I realized how faithful God’s plan had always been to me. From the moment of taking basketball away from me and using it again to bring another lost sheep to the light, God had been interceding in both of our lives and I understood that God really works in the broken and weak.

God was able to really transform my perspective through this revelation. The flame in my heart shed light on my path and guided me back to the Spirit. Through it all, I was able to find power, love, and self- discipline. Above my thankfulness for God giving me self-control in the face of temptations, I was even more glad that God rejuvenated and restored my perspective of my friends. Ever since having the desire to know God, He kindled a fire in my heart that has truly been able to guide my life. God really opened up a perspective on how I can differentiate myself as one of God’s children. There were times when I felt like the flame had gone out, yet it was lit again by the Spirit. I am God’s child and the Spirit is the flame in the dark moments of my life.