Walking a tightrope

‘Walking a tightrope’

The challenge of single Catholic life

by Laura M. Devick

We are made in God’s image and likeness, yet from the very beginning, Adam longed for something more.

“Man becomes an image of God not so much in the moment of solitude as in the moment of communion,” St. John Paul II wrote in his theology of the body. The longing to give ourselves away—to be a gift, given to and for others—is part of God’s beautiful and wise design.

“Even though Adam had unity with God, it was still not good that man be alone,” says Tim Mosser, 60, of Fargo, North Dakota, an evangelist who has shared TOB for many years.

This truth led Anastasia Northrop, 45, of Dallas, Texas, to echo the question of many singles: “Are singles, then, somehow not as good? I’ve realized, no, absolutely not. Because we’re all called to this vocation of holiness.”

Anastasia Northrop

When she became the director of the National Conference for Single Catholics, Anastasia wouldn’t have predicted that she would delve into TOB teachings so deeply, being a member of a demographic that covers 50 percent of U.S. households— single adults.

And for 26 years of his life, this demographic also included Tim. He had to wrestle with living and understanding a truth that has become a foundational touchstone for Anastasia as well: “Man…cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself (Gaudium et Spes, 24).”

Single and in her 20s in 2004, Anastasia’s ministry work had been connecting her with TOB speakers around the country. It also uniquely prepared her for her new challenge: a Catholic singles conference. This was sparked by a conversation with a friend who said, “You know, after about age 35, the Church really doesn’t have anything for singles.”

Anastasia knew that TOB’s hopeful message needed to reach single Catholics who hungered for support and community—and, like her friend, felt forgotten. In an era before widespread social media to get the word out, the conference filled to max capacity—with a waiting list!

Now entering its 18th year, the event is inspirational, prayerful and energizing for Catholic singles, inviting them to come closer to Christ. All are welcome: those who have never been married, of any age; those who are divorced or who have received an annulment; and those who are widows. Rather than a matchmaking event, the speakers, small groups, Mass, prayer, Eucharistic adoration and social time fill the hunger for community and formation.

“We all still need to live a fruitful life, and find fulfillment in Christ,” she said.

A dating dare

Singles who feel called to marriage have challenges to overcome from a dating culture fraught with fear. Catholics are not exempt from this. Marriage begins with dating, and the health of dating currently has a weak pulse. “Dating feels more risky these days,” Anastasia said. “There is so much fear of rejection. We don’t have any norms in our culture, anymore, for how to navigate it.”

To meet these obstacles, the National Conference for Single Catholics invited participants to complete a dating challenge in January of this year. Close to 900 people signed up and nearly 300 joined the nightly online meetings, with others watching the replays.

Those who joined were asked to step out of their comfort zone and either “ask someone on a date, accept a date, or if someone isn’t in the right place to be dating, such as waiting on an annulment, you could try to set someone up,” Anastasia said.

While acknowledging that dating “should always be intentional,” Anastasia also advises single Catholics to, well, lighten up. “You don’t have to know that you’re going to marry the person when you accept the first date,” she said.

“In the Catholic culture, we can get carried away and think, ‘This date is like interviewing for the job of spouse,’ so on our first date we can feel like we need to cover all these huge topics. It’s not even natural, and it’s not in the spirit of St. John Paul II. In a certain sense, it’s objectifying the person,” said Anastasia. “Instead of encountering them as a unique individual, you are saying, ‘Do you fit my checklist?’”

Marriage also provokes fear in a world marred by divorce’s deep scars. “If people haven’t had examples in their own life of what a good marriage looks like—to be able to navigate through difficult times and still stay together—that’s a huge fear,” Anastasia said.

While true fulfillment comes from Christ, Anastasia said, you also can’t “just sit around and think, ‘God is going to drop my spouse into my living room—like, tomorrow—and I’m going to just sit here.’ It’s not just a passive thing. You have to put yourself out there, take risks.”

Living in the present

While it’s tempting for a single person to focus on the future—discerning the vocation of marriage or religious life—living in the moment gives peace.

Tim remembers the challenges he faced in the single state. “I didn’t have a super well-defined idea of what was ‘my calling’ as a single person. It was nice that, in one sense, I had more freedom. Not freedom focused on myself, but freedom for service,” he said.

Desiring to live that freedom well, Tim found many avenues to serve. “I’d play music at various places. I’d go visit elderly in nursing homes. I’d volunteer. I’d try to be a good uncle to my nieces and nephews.”

When the uncertainty of the future threatened to get the better of him, Tim worked it out in prayerful musical moments he called “Play and Pray.”

“I’d go to a church, and I’d play the piano, and I’d sing…and I’d play, and I’d pray…and I’d play, and sometimes I’d cry. I would bask in the joy of the presence of the Lord. I would say, ‘Lord, OK, you’ve put these passions into my heart—how do you want me to serve you? Please reveal that to me.’”

God’s answer, for many years, was that Tim was still called to be single.

Anastasia relates. “A particular cross of the single life is not knowing where to focus, because one is not currently in a lifelong commitment,” she said. “It’s a cross of uncertainty.

Even in the midst of ongoing uncertainty, Anastasia has continued to be led closer to Christ. “I’ve experienced that when I’m in the darkness, that’s when Jesus can lead me. That means I have to trust and surrender and embrace Christ being my ultimate Bridegroom. I realized I need to look to Christ for my fulfillment.”

TOB principles anchor her. “When you bottom line it, I am created to be a gift,” she said. “The challenge is, how do I live that in the present moment while at the same time pursuing the vocation I feel called to? It’s like walking a tightrope.”

Being close with her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews gives Anastasia myriad ways to share the gift of herself. She has flexibility to help her family when she’s needed. Her ministry makes her grateful, too. “For me it’s not just a job, but something I’m able to pour myself into because I love it and really care about the people and the mission,” she said.

Tim sees that while the boundaries of his freedom have changed, a key aspect remains. Now married to Veronica and father to a young son, “I am still called to be a gift,” he said.

He works for the Diocese of Fargo as director of the Respect Life office while also continuing his speaking ministry. The years of his single life were fruitful and meaningful, as he endeavored to live out St. John Paul II’s vision of gift.

The annual National Conference for Single Catholics helps Anastasia share with other single Catholics that they are not forgotten by Christ or the Church. She values St. John Paul II’s sentiment in Familiaris Consortio: “The great number of single persons who, because of the particular circumstances in which they have to live—often not of their choosing—are especially close to Jesus’ heart.”

New programming

The National Conference for Single Catholics recently unveiled an innovative program: a marriage preparation course built upon the theology of the body, but tailored for singles. It’s called “Relationship Ready: The Single Catholic’s Roadmap to Marriage.”

“We’re basically taking the main components of marriageprep programs and putting them together in a very rich series so people can have access to this wealth of knowledge and experience before they get to engagement,” Director Anastasia Northrop said. The program hopes to help with marriage discernment and make dating healthy—and holy.

Relationship Ready already ran live this year; watch for updates on when it will be offered again. The group’s GS24 Online Community (with various video resources) is always available. Visit nationalcatholicsingles.com to learn more.

Well, that was awkward…

Tim Mosser’s singleness sometimes garnered questions from well-meaning friends and family.

“Wasn’t he called to marriage? Maybe the priesthood?”

Usually patient and able to gracefully accept these questions, Tim sometimes felt a sting of being misunderstood, to question himself or God’s plan.

He advises singles that most people speak out of love and care. Singles can, for their part, try to “hear in love, speak in love, pray through the words they are hearing and pray later about what was said,” Tim said.

Anastasia Northrop gets questions too and agrees it can be difficult to know how to respond. “‘Why aren’t you married?’ people will ask. And… it’s a mystery. I don’t know,” she said.

While it’s tempting for non-singles to offer alternatives to their single friends, these can often be very awkward. Anastasia has heard quite a few. “So, you’re not a biological mother. But it’s OK, you can be a spiritual mother!” “Hey, Abraham and Sarah were like 90-years-old! There’s still hope!”

“It’s very natural for a woman to long for motherhood,” Anastasia said. She has experienced spiritual motherhood to be very valuable, profound and fulfilling. Yet offering these concepts as if they can be substituted for one another doesn’t speak to the pain or grieving that is being felt by the single person.

For married family and friends to simply be present to Catholic singles witnesses Christ’s love to them. Anastasia recalls how a good friend, a married mother of three, said simply and lovingly to her as she struggled with grieving the absence of motherhood, “That must be very painful, Anastasia.” That validated and recognized her pain, which also helped her realize that her suffering could be redemptive when united with Christ’s suffering.