https://ebookmass.com/product/the-sounds-of-her-chris-
Instant digital products (PDF, ePub, MOBI) ready for you
Download now and discover formats that fit your needs...
Mario Lavista: Mirrors of Sounds Ana R. Alonso-Minutti
https://ebookmass.com/product/mario-lavista-mirrors-of-sounds-ana-ralonso-minutti/ ebookmass.com
Sounds, Ecologies, Musics Aaron S. Allen
https://ebookmass.com/product/sounds-ecologies-musics-aaron-s-allen/
ebookmass.com
The Allure of Empire Chris Suh
https://ebookmass.com/product/the-allure-of-empire-chris-suh/
ebookmass.com
Culture Paves The New Silk Roads Sophia Kidd
https://ebookmass.com/product/culture-paves-the-new-silk-roads-sophiakidd/
ebookmass.com
Accidentally in Love, the Box Set: Books 1-4 Sara Ney
https://ebookmass.com/product/accidentally-in-love-the-box-setbooks-1-4-sara-ney/
ebookmass.com
The Autobiography Of My Mother Jamaica Kincaid
https://ebookmass.com/product/the-autobiography-of-my-mother-jamaicakincaid/
ebookmass.com
While the Wolf's Away Terry Spear
https://ebookmass.com/product/while-the-wolfs-away-terry-spear-3/
ebookmass.com
Home for the Holidays Terry Spear
https://ebookmass.com/product/home-for-the-holidays-terry-spear-2/
ebookmass.com
International Financial Reporting: A Practical Guide 8th Edition Alan Melville
https://ebookmass.com/product/international-financial-reporting-apractical-guide-8th-edition-alan-melville/
ebookmass.com
The Blazing World: A New History of Revolutionary England, 1603-1689 Jonathan Healey
https://ebookmass.com/product/the-blazing-world-a-new-history-ofrevolutionary-england-1603-1689-jonathan-healey/
ebookmass.com
Book3ofTheBreakNeckSeries By ChrisReilly
The Sounds of Her
Copyright©2024ChrisReilly
CoverDesign:TheCoverCollection www.thecovercollection.com
Allrightsreserved.Noportionofthisbookmaybereproduced,copied,distributedinanyformwithoutpriorwritten permissionfromtheauthor,exceptforbriefquotationsinthecontextofabookreview.
Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedtocreate,feed,orrefineartificialintelligencemodels,foranypurpose,withoutwritten permissionfromtheauthor.Thescanning,uploadinganddistributionofthisbookwithoutwrittenpermissionisatheftofthe author'sintellectualproperty.
Thisisaworkoffiction,names,characters,businesses,places,eventsandincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor's imaginationorusedtoprovideauthenticityinafictitiousmanner Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,oractual eventsispurelycoincidental
SweetdreamsCleo,youwillbe missed,babygirl TableofContents
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
EpilogueOne
EpilogueTwo
SneakPeekChapterOne–FightforForever
AcknowledgementandThanks
BonusContent
OtherBooks
AbouttheAuthor
CHAPTERONE “IfIseeyourdickinmyfaceonemoretime,I’mgonnaripoutmyeyeballs,”IsaytoNickindisgust.
He’sloungingonacouchinthegreenroombackstage.Wearegoingonalivetalkshowtotalkaboutourtour,newmusic andlifeinBreakNeck
Nicksits up and looks throughthe window. He rolls his eyes and leans back, takingouthis phone as ifhe doesn’tcare directlyoppositethebuilding,isamonster sizedbillboardadvertisementfor theunderwear campaignhedidlastyear Ifthe nonsenseinthepressistobebelieved,fanswerefaintinginthestreetsatthesizeofhis package,althoughIdon’tbelievethat shit.It’snotthatbig.Fucker.
Our popularity is at an all-time high as we reach the end of the North America and Canada leg of our world tour We finishedthreemonthsofshowsacrossEurope,andafterabriefbreak,thelasttwomonthshavebeenworkingourwayacross theStates
Weperformedour twentiethshow inVancouver tonight,beforeweheadofftoSeattleandthelastthreeshows intheUS. ThenweflyouttoSouthAsiaandAustralia
There is a breakplannedinbetween.Itwon’tall be funthough,we’re filminga music videoandwill still dopress.We haveabigeventplannedthatincludesfivefulldaysofrelaxation.Andthesecretwe’vebeenkeepingforalongtime,Adam andJenna’swedding
“Itcouldbeworse,Archer.Youcouldhavehis bare scrotum onyourcheek.”Adamgivesmeadirtylook,thenshudders. He’satthewatercoolerfillingupapapercup Ourleadsingerisantsy,andwhenhegetslikethis,hecan’tsitstill Adamhates doingtalkshows, especiallylive ones. Younever know what they’re goingto askyou, and he doesn’t like surprises Bianca,our manager,drills intoeverypersonwhointerviews us,askone wrongquestionandwe walk It’s never happenedbefore.We’redeftatdeflectionnow,afterelevenyearsofdoingthis.
Biancaisn’twithusrightnow.Herassistant,Dale,istravellingwithus.He’sahell ofaloteasiergoingthanourdragon bitchmanager
Peoplemayfindherabrasiveandunlikeable,butIappreciateeverythingshehasdoneforus.Youneedtobetoughinthis industryand she pulls no punches It pisses the guys off whenshe is toughonthem The things she books us for, keeps us relevant.Notthatourmusicdoesn’tspeakforitself,butwithoutBpushingus,wecouldhavefaded,givenwe’vebeendoing
thisforoveradecade.
Followingthechat,we’replayingacoupleofsongsinanunpluggedperformance. Butthemusicwon’tbethecentreofattentiontoday
The gigantic cockondisplayoutside will be the topic ofconversation. Like itis ateveryinterview since Nickdid that underwearcampaign
“Whydoyousayitlikeit’ssomethingthathappened?”ElsaasksafterAdam’scomment.
Forthepastthreemonths,Elsahasworkedexclusivelywithusonanyphotoshoot,musicvideo,ortelevisionappearanceas ourofficialmake-upartist.SometimessheisawaywithInstinct,theunderweardesignersthatcatapultedNick’smanhoodinto thestratosphere.NotthatI’mjealousoranything.
NooneanswersElsa
“Ew,thathappened?”Shestopsandturnstoherboyfriendwhentheroomgoesquiet. Nickholdsuphishands “Nothingtodowithme”HegrinsatAdam “They’rebestfriendsforareason,”Jordan,ourdrummer,pipesup. Thatfuckerhasbeenuncharacteristicallyquiet Hehastopopupwithastupidcomment Ofcourse,bothofthemwerethere towitnessthatwholefuckingmess.
“Itwasabouteightyearsago,afaultydooronthebus,”Nickexplains.
Adamfinisheshiswaterandsitsbackdown,withagooddistancebetweenusthistime,likeImightwhipmydickoutand hithimwithit.I’mluckyhedidn’tkillmethatday.
“This asshole,” Adampoints at me “Fell out of the damn bathroomon an old tour bus as it went over a pothole and knockedmeonmyassasIwasinnocentlypassingby.Hisballstouchedmyface.”
Elsaburstsoutlaughing.I’msurprisedhetoldthestory.We’dbeensworntosecrecyallthoseyearsago.Itneverpassedthe wallsofthetourbus,orourlips.
“Howyougotabillboardsizedphotoofmyartfullyphotographeddickandbeingtea-baggedbyyourbestfriendtosound similaristrulyremarkable”
Jordanbustsupashegetsoutofthemake-upchair.Ican’thelpbutlaughtoo.Shit,itwasn’tmewithaballsackinmyface. “Thatisn’ttheworstofwhathappenedintheolddays,”Jordansayswistfully Elsaside-eyeshim.She’sgoodfriendswithJordan’sgirlfriend,Alessa.
“Hey,ithappened,whatamIgonnado,lieaboutit?”Heliftsanddropshisshoulders.“Besides,it’snofuckingsecretwhat Iwaslikebackthen.”HeturnstocheckhishairinthemirroranddoessomethingthatcausesElsatopushhishandawaylike he’sachild.“Ow.”
“Stopmessingitup,”sheshakesherhead “Andthatdid not hurt” “Iknow,”Jordansays,grinningoveratme.“ItwasaboutassoftasArcher-man’sloveballs.” “Fuckinghell,”Adammoans “Youtoldthestory,”Ipointout.
“Yeahman,whatthefuckcameoveryou?”JordandropsintotheseatbetweenmeandAdandputshisarmsaroundbothour necks “Relivingahappymemory?”
Adamthrowshisarmoff,butIleaveit,notinthemoodforatusslewiththeman-child. ElsasitsonNick’slap He’sstillfocusedonhisphone,buthekisseshershoulder,andshegetsadreamyexpressiononher face.
OnequestionI’mgoingtogettodayis,‘whenareyougonnasettledown?’or ‘is loveonthehorizonfor Archer Harris?’ Justbecausetherestoftheseguysarelockeddown,doesn’tmeanIneedtobe.Iprefertothinkofmyselfasthelasttruerockn roller of the band. Besides, after seeingsome of the shit these guys have beenthroughwiththeir women, I’mhappybeing single
“Ibetyouguyshavemanyfunnystoriesfromtheolddays,”Elsasays.
“Too manyto talkabout,” Adamsays, a note offinalityto his voice, regrettingbringingup that story, because the other womenwillhearaboutitbeforethenightisthrough.
“Ididn’texactlyenjoyballslappingyoueither,”Ipointout “Yourcheekwasstubbly” “Onemightsay,prick-ly,”Jordansmirks.
“Fuckyouall,”Adamgetsupandwalkstothebathroom,slammingthedoorbehindhim. “He’ssuchasulkybitch,”Jordanfrowns “HasJennatakenmyadviceanddecidedtowaituntilthey’remarried?” “WhydoeshismoodhavetobeaboutJenna?”Elsaremarks. WhiletheydiscussthereasonforAdam’sattitude,Izoneout I’vebeendoingitalot Fortunately,nooneappearstohave pickeduponit.IgotbetterathidingitafterNickrealisedtherewassomethingwronglastyear,andwegotthebandahiatus. AndthatisnothinglikewhatI’mdealingwithnow.
Myphone vibrates againstmythigh,andIpull itfrommypocket.Mymooddarkens whenIsee it’s fromMadison.What makesitworseis,it’sworkrelated.Howcanshesendtextslikethisafterthehugefuckingbombshedroppedonmethreedays
ago?
She loves playingmind games withme. Her favourite pastime is fuckingme the hell up, so Idelete the message without answeringandputthephoneaway Adamcomesoutofthebathroomandwatchesmefromacrosstheroom IbarelyevenhearwhattheothersaretalkingaboutasIturnawayfromtheprying,perceptiveeyesofmybestfriend.
Maybe he knowssomethingisgoingon,butI’mnottellinghim I’mnottellinganyone Thedooropens.“You’reoninfive.Canyoufollowme,please?”
“Sopolite,”Jordangrins,jumpingup “IloveCanada” “Breakaleg,”Elsagetsupandheadstohermake-upstation. “Aren’tyougonnacomeoutandwatch?”Nickasks.
“Ididn’tknowIcould,”shesays WewalkaroundthemasNickasksifElsaisallowedonsetandfollowthesignstowardsthestudio.Adamfallsintostep withme Iexpecthimtoaskwhat’swrong,buthesaysnothing,andIappreciatethefuckoutofthat He’sthereifIneedhim, withoutgettingallemoandofferingto talk.
We’refittedwithmicpacksandwiredup Adamtuckshisin-ear monitorsintothetopofhist-shirtafter puttingthewire aroundhisneck.He’llusethemwhilehe’ssingingtoblockoutnoisesohecankeepintimeandintunewhilehesings. Notthatheneedsit.Theguyisamazinglytalented,andnooneismoreprofessionalthanhim.He’salwaysbeenthatway. Beyond us, Ihear the female hostonsettalkingaboutus The crowd cheer and another personwitha headsetlooks our way.
“You’llbeoninafewminutes Ifyoucouldallstandoverhere,please” ElsagivesNickaquickkiss,buthedoesn’tlethergothateasily. “Uh,we’rereadyforyou.”
Heavertshiseyesfromtheover-the-topPDANickandElsaareinvolvedin.Irollmyeyesandsteparoundeveryone. I’mnotsurehowIfellintobeingtheonewholeadsthewaywhenitcomestotheband.Alwaysthefirstonthestage,who speaksfortheband,ormeetswiththeExecs NotthatIresentit,butlately,Iwishsomeoneelsecoulddoit Still,Ipaintasmileonmyfaceaswe’reintroduced.Thelightshitmestraightaway,theaudiencebarelyvisible,butloud asfuck It’salmostlikeagig,butnotquite TheexhilarationIgetfromwalkingoutonastageisthere,thoughmuted I’drather headstraighttothesetwithourinstrumentsthansitonthiscouch.
WewereintroducedtoKyleandShaniaearlier.TheirtalkshowofthesamenameiswildlypopularinCanada.Itgoesout liveandisonlatebecauseoccasionallyguestsswear.YoucanguaranteewithJordanaround,therewillbeswearingtonight.
TheaudiencecontinuestheirraucousnoiseandIwave,smilingasIreachKyleandshakehishand,thenShania’s.Imove furthestaway,hopingit’stheotherstheyfocuson
We’resupposedtoleaveourphonesinthegreenroom,butIforgot,anditvibratesinmypocket.Shit,Ishouldhaveturned itoff
We’regreetedandintroduced,theaudiencecheersaswe’reindividuallyannounced.
“Thankyouguysfortakingtimetobehere.It’slovelytoseeyouall.You’rerightinthemiddleofyourten-yearanniversary tourandareheadingoutofCanadatomorrow,”Shaniasays,hersmilebright “Unluckyyou,”Kylejokes.Igiveanobligatorylaugh.
Thentheybeginthe questions B pre-approved There is nothingspontaneous about our answers, we knew the questions beforehand.Alotofitisthesameshitwe’reaskedbymostinterviewers.
There is a lot of focus on Adam’s engagement and Nick’s dick Jordan doesn’t allow them all the limelight though, answeringalotofthequestions.I’vezonedoutandrealiseShaniaislookingtowardsme.
“Sorry,Shania,”Ismile.“I’msoastoundedbyhowamazingthisaudienceistonight.” “Well,ofcourse,youhavesomanyfanshere SoArcher,everyoneinthebandappearstohavefoundtheirbetterhalf,”she givesasmalllaughtothecamerabeforelookingbackatme.“Isthereaspecialpersonoutthereforyou?Orareyougoingto makemanypeopleouttherehappyasthelastremainingsingleguyintheband?”
Ittakes a lotnottogrimace,the phone heavyinmypocketbecause it’s still buzzing,andIknow whoitis.“Ican’tmake everyonehappy,”Isay “Thatwouldprobablybreaksomelawssomewhere” Shechuckles.Nickisbesideherandhisbrowsdip.Fuck,thatwasthewrongthingtosay.IcanimagineBiancalosingher shit.
“Rightnow,I’mfocusingonthemusic It’sahecticschedulesonotmuchtimeforromance”
“Unless you’re me,” Jordan pipes up. “Yesterday, I took my angel to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. Have you been there?”heaskstheaudience “It’sfuckingterrifying ButitwaslikebeinginanIndianaJonesmovie” Thecrowdlaughs.
“Itisanamazingbridge.Didyouallgo?”Kyleasks.
“Nah,itwasaspecialtripformeandmygirl.”
The conversation moves on to our album. Jordan has diverted the attention away from me, and Kyle segues into the
instrumentalpartoftheevening.
Igetupandheadovertothesetbesideusandpickupmyguitar,takingmyseatastherestofthebandfollowsme.Jordan hashisdrumssetup,buthewillnotbethrashingonthemtonight He’sthebackbeattoouracousticsound Forthefirsttimeallnight,I’mcomfortableinmyskin.ThisiswhatIlovetodo,feelingthefretboardandstringsbeneath myfingersasweplay IclosemyeyesandshuteverythingoutasAdsings astrippedbackversionof So Much Unsaid It’s drasticallydifferentfromtherealversion,butIfinditsoothingtoplayitlikethis. Everychordandstrumofmyfingersbringsmealittlemorepeace Ifonlytherestofmylifecouldbelikethis.
CHAPTERTWO Idon’tgettosleepinthebedonthebustonight.Weusedtorotate,nowwhoever’sgirlfriendhasjoinedusonthislegofthe tourgetsthebed
Itwasn’tunusualtobringgroupiesonthebuswaybackwhen.Itdoesn’thappenthesedays.IfIwanttogetlaid,Ihaveto usehotels
IpickedupachickaftertheVancouvertalkshow,needingtolosemyselfinsomethingbesidesbooze.Thathasneverbeen mypoisonanyway,Ihatetheout-of-controlfeelingthatcomeswithgettingdrunk.
Wetalkedatthebar,soitdidn’tfeellikeIwasfuckingatotalstranger,nomatterhowdelusionalthatmakesme.Igother offandchasedmyrelease,thensheleft.Stone,ourbodyguard,madesureshesafelygotacab.Icareaboutshitlikethat.
Aseparateroomonthebusholdsourinstrumentsandweuseittowriteorplaywhilewemovebetweencities I’vebeen workingonasongforafewweeksnow.Ican’tgetitoutofmybrainandit’sirritatingthehelloutofme.
I’mstrummingmindlesslywhenthedooropensbehindme IexpectAdamorNick,butit’sJenna “HeyArch.”
“Hey,what’sup?”
“Can’tsleep,”shesays,sittingandfoldingherlegstothesideontheseat “Adamissleeping,Iwastossingandturningand didn’twanttowakehim.Whatareyouworkingon?”
“Tryingtowriteanewsong Lately,Ican’tgetanythingdownonpaper” “Likewriter’sblock?”sheasks.
“Iguess What’sstoppingyoufromsleeping?”I’drathernottalkaboutwhyI’mstrugglingwriting “It’salwaysweirdthefirstfewnightsonthebus,”shesays. “Imagineit’sacradle.Mighthelp.”
Shehuffsalittlelaugh,butstilllookstroubled IlikeJenna Atfirst,Ithoughtshewouldcauseproblemsfortheband,andit tookmeawhiletoacceptmovingtoNewYorksoAdamcouldbenearher.Beingaroundmyfamilyagainlessenedtheblow andIgobacktomyhouseinLAwheneverIcan
Jennaislikeasistertous.AdamstillgetspissedatJordanwhenhecallsherthat.She’sfunny,andsmart,andcanhandle Adam She’stheperfectwomanformybestfriend
Iconsidermyselfgoodatreadingpeopleandit’sobviousthere’ssomethingwrongwithJenna.Isettheguitardown.
“What’sgoingon?”Iask.
Shepausesforamoment,wringingherhandstogether.“WhatdoyouknowaboutZosia?”
Mybrowslift Jennaisn’ttheinsecuretype,shetrustsAdam Hefuckingloveshersomuch,it’ssickening Idon’twantto offeradviceaboutherinsecurities,shehasherfriendstodealwiththat.Idon’tthinkshehasanythingtoworryabout.
“She’snineteen,breakingoutofthemouldherlabelputherin EveryonewantsAdtohelpthemwiththeirmusic”Irollmy eyeslikethatshitbothersme.“It’lldoherimagegoodhavinghimwriteheralbumforher,butthatisallitis.”
Idon’tthinkthathelped
“Asmuchasitpainsmetosay,Adamisagiftedsongwriter.Zosiaisluckytohavehiminvolvedinheralbum.Theyfocus onthemusic.Youknowwhathe’slikewhenhegetsinthezone,youcouldwalkinnaked,andhewouldn’tnotice.”
Jennalaughs “Youbelievethat?”
“No,”Igroan.“Badanalogy.Whatbroughtthison?”
Jennalooksthroughthesmallwindow “Isawanarticle”
Idon’treadthatshit,andAdamwarnedJennanotto.“Talktohim.” “Isthatyourwayofsayingyoudon’twanttotalktome?”
“Thedickheadlovesyoumorethanthisband.He’llbefuckingintolerableifyou’reupset.”Igrabherhandandpullherout ofherseat.“Gotobed,Jenna.”
“Okay ThanksArch,”shekissesmycheekbeforeleaving Iwalktothewindow.OurdriversteersusalongtheI-5,andIwatchaswepassbyanothertown.Rainfalls,slowatfirst, beforeitpeltsthewindow TypicalweatherinWashington,italwaysrainsinSeattle
Pullingoutmyphone,Isitdownandopenthetextthread.Iwon’tscrollupbecauseI’llgetpissedoff.Idon’tknowwhyI haven’tdeletedthosemessages.Theyfuckinghurt,butlikesomekindofmasochist,I’vekeptthem.
Madison:TherearesomeissueswiththesoundonHarderILove.Whenyou’reinLA,youneedtocomeinandre-record.
Madison:Aidan’svocalsareperfect,asalways.Youneedtoworkonguitaroverlay.
Madison:TheyexpectyouinthestudioonSundayat9
Madison:GrowupArcher Thisisaboutwork
Atthetimeshesentallthisbullshit,wewererecordingaliveinterview,howthefuckwasIsupposedtorespond?Besides, ifshewantstoarrangeshitlikethis,shespeakstoBianca,whowillcheckinwiththetourmanagertoseeifit’spossible.
Megrowup?Yeahright Iclosethechat Ineedtosleep
BeforeIheadtobed,IdropPhoenixatext.It’searlyhoursofthemorningontheEastcoast.Idon’texpectareply,butone comesasIheadtothekitchenarea
Phoenix:Yeah,aguyIknowworksoutofSeattle.Can’twaittillyougetbackhere,huh?
Archer:Needafixandwe’reontour
Phoenix:Ihearthat I’llreachout Doyouneedittomorrow?
Archer:Yeah.We’rehittingthecityinaboutahalfhour
Phoenix:Chezlikeshisbeautysleep,soit’slikelytobelatemorning.I’lltextyouthedeets.
Archer:Appreciatethat.Catchyouwhenwe’reback.
Phoenix:Happytrails
Now thatI’vegotplansfor tomorrow,Istarttorelax WithElsaandJennaonthebus,they’ll bedoingcoupleshitinour freetime.Jordanalwayshassomewheretobe,heknowspeoplealloverthecountry.
AnothertextpopsupfromPhoenixwithanaddressandtime.GuessthesepeopleneversleepifthisChezguyhasalready gotbacktohim
Igrabaglassofwaterandheadtomybunk.Thecurtainsareallclosed,butonearmishangingoutofthebunkabovemine. Iliftmyglasssooneofhisfingersrestsinthecoldwater
Istandtherefor aminute.Hesnufflesandpullshishandbackandsnortsashewakes.Iduckunder hisbunkandpull my curtainacross
Jordanswearstwiceandtriestogetcomfortableagain.Hecan’tbecauseI’vetriggeredaphysiologicalresponseinhim.He getsupandheadstothebathroom.
Workseverytime
Igetoutofthecabandwalktowardstheshop.Theareaissketchyashell,thebuildinglookshalfderelict,withblacked-out windowsandagraffiti-coveredwall It’spartofthesignagefortheshop
The place is different on the inside. The floor has black-and-white tiles, the walls painted black. They’ve covered the ceilingindarkwood, makingit appear lower thanit is Large white frames are positioned all around that have images on canvasesinside.Someofthemarephotographs,othersarepaintingsoftattoos.
There is one standoutphotographofa statuesque redhead.She’s nakedapartfroma pair ofgiant,leatheryblackwings, likeabat Shehasonehandbetweenherlegs,butit’snotsexual Herfullbreastsareondisplay,andshehasatattooalongone sideofherbody.
WhenIenter,threepeopleturntolookatme Nogasps,norushforphotosorautographs,infact,theguybehindthecounter looksbored.Hegruntswithaheadnodtoamanstandingbyacoffeemachine.
“Chez?”
“Yeah,hey.Comeonover.I’dofferyouone,butit’llfuckshitup.”
Iholdupmybottleofwater.Caffeinethinsyourblood,notidealwhengettingatattoo.
“Phoenixsaidhe’sworkingonyoursleeveandI’mtoleavethatthehellalone”
Hewalkstowardsatattoochairandanimmaculatestation.Inodandsitdownonthechair. “So,whatareyouafter?”
Ishow himanimage ofa fretboard buried beneaththe skin It’s shaded to appear as ifthe skinhas tornwiththe guitar beneathinsteadofbones.Hisbrowslift.
“That’lltakealotofhours”
“I’vegottimeifyouhave.”
“Priceytoo.”
“I’mgood.”
Chezlaughs.“Yougotabigenoughspace?Ifyouwantittoberealistic,it’sgonnabeadecentsize.”
Irollupthelegofmyshorts Myleftthighisbare,soit’sprimerealestateforatattoo Cheznodsatme “Doyouwantitlikethis,orcanIchangeit?”
“Goforit,”Isay
HeasksifIwanttowait,orIcancomebackinalittlewhile,Idecidetostay.It’llbetoomuchhassletoleaveandcome back.Inthewaitingarea,Ipulloutmynotepadandpen.
I’mstillstrugglingwiththisdamnsong.Mostofmywritingisshitelately,evenAdamcommentedonit.He’ssubtlerabout itthanthat.Heneverlikestomesswiththeartisticmuse.ThankGodhe’safuckinglegendarysongwriter.
I’mpissedthehelloff,andIscribbleoutanotherstupidlineoflyrics Thewholepadisfullofthem Ifliptoanotherpage andfocusonwritingsomechordsinsteadofwords.Thatcomesalittleeasier.
Chezreturnswithadrawingworthyofaplaceonthewall I’mfuckingamazed Thetattooisamilliontimesbetterthanthe imageIbrought.IgetonthebedandChezplacesthestencil,thengetstowork.
Thefirstneedlescratchcalmsthemaelstromofemotionsinmyhead.Iputonearmbehindmyhead,lookingatthewoman’s photograph IpointatitandChezlooksup “Mywife.”
Mybrows liftinsurprise I’msure people wonder whyhe allows everyone whocomes intosee his wife like that Few guysIknowwouldhaveanakedpictureoftheirwifedisplayedfortheworldtosee.
“She’samodel,butthatwassomethingwedidtogether”
“Youphotographedher?”
Cheznods.Hewaitsformyreaction,asifI’mgoingtocommentthathiswifeishot.
“It’sastunningpieceofart You’reaphotographerandatattooist?”
Heblinksafew timesandnods.Hetalksabouthisphotographyandhiswife’smodellingcareerashegetsbacktowork. AndhowheknowsPhoenix,mytattooartist,whoisbasedoutofBaltimore
BiancacallsabouttherecordingstudiosessiononSundaywhenCheztakesabreak.She’spissedbutsaysshe’sworkedit intotheschedule ThereisnothingmorefromMadison Whywouldtherebe?She’sgotwhatshewanted Beinganexecatthe labelallowsherthatluxury.
Biancacanbeahardass,butsheisnomatchfortheexecs.
Chez gives me a couple of breaks and the young guy at the counter goes out for sandwiches for everyone, which is
thoughtful.
He’salmostfinishedwhenhiswifecomesin.Chezexcuseshimselfandgoestogreether.Shehugshimandtheykissbefore hebringsherover
“Ididn’tmentionyoucomingincosshe’sfuckinggoneforyourband.” “Ohshit,”thewomanshrieks
“ArcherHarris,thisisCarina,yournumberonefan.”
“Quitit,”Carinaslapsherhusband’sarm “Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellmeArcherHarrisisgettinginkedheretoday We haveticketstoyourshowtonight,”shesays,alittlecalmer.
IshakeherhandandafterChezgiveshersomeshit,Isignanautographandtakeapicturewiththemboth.Carinastaysto watchChezfinishthetattoo TheykeepmeoccupiedandIhavefun
Imake a quickcall to the tour manager while Chezis cleaningup his station. Thengive Carina the surprise ofher life, backstageVIPticketstothegig
Shefreezesinshock,thenjumpsupandhugsme.Chez’seyetwitches,watchingmyhandsonhiswife’swaist.Istepback, butCarinadoesn’tseemtonoticeasshejumpsonhim,squealing
IsendCheztheinfoafterhegivesmehisnumber.“Nexttimewe’reintown,I’llmakeanappointment,”Isay. “Anytime,man.”
Idrivebacktothehotel NickandElsaaregettingbackatthesametime,Nick’scarryingalotofshoppingbags Ilaughand hetellsmetofuckoff.Stonechecksthestreetashegetsoutofthecar,ensuringthere’snodanger.
“Where’veyoubeen?”Elsaasksmeasweheadtothehotelentrance “Sightseeing?” “Not as muchas youthree,” I grin. Stone doesn’t lookat all pleased. He’s used to followingus around, but I doubt he enjoyedgoingonashoppingspree.
“Imadebetteruseofmytime,”Isay,showingthemthetattoo,visiblethroughtheclearwrapping. “Oh,that’sbeautiful,”Elsasaysaftershebendsdownforacloserlook. “Nexttime,comewithme,Els Leavethisschmucktodohisownshopping” “Kissmyass,Archer.”
Ifliphimoff,openingabagtoseewhatthey’vebeenbuying ElsalaughswhenNickdragsthebagaway Hetriestopunch me,butIjumpoutofthewayandwinkathim.Isawthatsexylaceunderwear.
“Fuckingchildren,”Stonemutters.“I’mhungry.Canyougobacktoyourrooms?” IsaluteourbodyguardandgrinatNick.“Youwanttowatchoutforthosethongs,man.Theycangetstuckrightupyourass crack.”
“Youwouldknow,”Nickfiresback “Hotpinkisn’tmycolour,”Isay,pointingathisbag. “Nah,youpreferleopardprint,right?” “Crotchless.”
“Getinside,”Stonegrabsourshouldersandpushesbothofusintothehotel.
CHAPTERTHREE “Ohfuck,yes”
IthrowmyheadbackandclosemyeyesasCirogrindshishipsagainstmine.Heholdshimselfup,hisbackarching,using hiskneestopushhimselfintomeinrhythmic,slow thrusts Hiscordedarmsbracketmyhead,andhisfistsclenchthesheets untilheraisesonehandandwrapsitaroundmythroat,allowingmetotakeinabreathbeforeheputspressureintoit.Mybody humsandittakesafewmorethrustsformetoloseallcontrol
Cirodoesn’tsayasinglewordashereleasesmythroat.Herunshishanddownmybreastbone,featheringovermynipple andstomach.Grabbingmythigh,hewrapsitaroundhiship,openingmewider.Iamstillcatchingmybreath,everythinginside mepulsingandflutteringashethrustsharder,almostdrillingmeintothemattress Thenhecomestoo
Cirorollsoffme,lyingflatonhisback,onehandoverhisstomach.
Afterafew minutes,Iturnmyheadtohim Asalways,he’sstaringattheceiling Ishouldbeusedtothis,it’salwaysthe same.Wemeet,wefuck,hebarelyspeaksandthenweleavewhereveritiswe’vemetup.He’sonlykissedmeonce.
Idon’tknowwhyIstilldothis.
Sure,thesexisamazing,especiallyafter abaddayincourt.Butitisn’tenough.Ciroseesthisasaconveniencewhenhe wantstogetlaid.Don’tgetmewrong,whenthisstarted,Ifeltthesameway.Weareexclusive,Imadeitclearifwekeepdoing this,wearen’tdoingitwithotherpeople
Inhisownweirdway,hecares,perhapsnotaboutanythingserious,butherespectsme.It’sbeengoingonformonths,long afterJenna’sengagementparty
Wefirsthookedupwhileeveryonewascelebratingtheengagement.ThenatanotherofAdam’sparties,Iranintohimagain, andheslippedmehisnumber.Oncewehadthatsecondhookup,itbecameregular.
Iwalknakedintothebathroomandclosethedoor.Leaningagainstthecounter,Igazeatmyreflection.IlooklikewhatIam, recentlyfucked.He’sleavingontourwithRedAlertsoonsothisisthelasttimewe’llmeetforawhile.
Everyoneis leavingNew York JennaandElsaleftaweekagotomeetupwithBreakNeck They’ll bewiththemfor the final four shows ofthe US legofthe tour. Thenonto SoutheastAsia, where they’re goingto amazingplaces like Thailand, Vietnam,andHongKong,beforetheirlastfewshowsinAustraliaandNewZealand I’llbeflyingouttojointheminafewdays.I’vestoredupmyvacationtimetomakethemostofit. Twoweekswithnoworries.Hell,noclothesifIdon’twanttowearthem.
Notforthefirsttime,IwonderwhatI’mdoingwithmylife MymotherwouldsayIstillhaven’tachievedeverythingshe
hopedforme.Thatisparforthecoursewheremymomisconcerned.Idonothingrightaccordingtoherexactingstandards.
I’ma senior associate at the law firmand workwithone of the partners, who is mentoringme inpreparationto make partner IownmyapartmentandhaveacomfortableenoughsavingsaccountthatI’msetforalongtime I’mseenoutwithsome ofthemosteligiblebachelorsinNewYorkandmybestfriendisdatingoneoftheworld’sbiggestrockstars.
Mombragsaboutmetoeveryonesheknows Behindcloseddoors,shemakesmefeellikeafailure WhichiswhyIavoid herasmuchaspossible.
ShelivesinLongIslandwithdad ComingtoNewYorkisachore,ifweeverseeeachother,sheexpectsmetogotothem, whichIdon’thavetimefor.
MomisthedefinitionofanIceQueenwhocaresmoreaboutmoneyandstatus,notbeingthereforherdaughter.
Thatsaid,ifshetried,I’davoidher Alifetimeofcomingseconddoesthattoaperson ImetupwithCirobecauseI’vecomeoffatoughcase,whichIwon,butIneededarelease.Igetashower,thenleavethe bathroomwrappedinatowel
Cirois sittingbythewindow,leaninghis elbows onhis knees.His pointer fingers press together,restingonhis chin,his eyeslifttomewhenIentertheroom
Iwalktothedresser andgrabmybra.Iletthetowel dropanddon’tmiss how Ciro’s eyes rundownmybody.Wedon’t speakasIdress,andafterI’vetouchedupmymake-upandhair,Iturnandleanmybuttagainstthedresser,lookingathim.
He gets up as Islip myfeetinto myroyal blue Manolo Blahniks, the heel liftingme up almostfour inches I’mfive foot sevenwithoutheels,sotheliftbringsmeclosetohischinheight.Thereisaweirdtensionbetweenusthatisn’tnormallythere. Perhapswe’rerunningourcourse?
I’mnotsurehow tofeel,butthisisn’tarelationship.Itnever will be,becauseCiroisanemotional void.Or he’sburied themsodeephecan’tfindthem.
“There’sabandparty.”
Cirocanholdeyecontacttothepointofdiscomfort,heissointense.
“And?”Iarchabrow
Hesighs,hisfistsclench.AmImistaken,oristhishimshowingsomesignoflife?Somethingotherthanhisusualrobotic personality?
“Dylanorganisedit.We’releavingforourtour.”
Isnort,butIcockmyheadandwait.Everythinghe’ssaidisastatement,notaquestion. HehuffswhenIdon’trespond.“Doyouwanttocome?”heasks,begrudgingly. “Withanofferlikethat,howcouldIrefuse?”
“Itisn’tlikethat”
Thatstings,eventhoughhe’sstatingthetruth.“Sowhyaskme?”
“Ithoughtyoumightlikeit Youenjoygoingtoparties”
Wow.Igrabmypurseandputitovermyshoulder.ShouldIgo?CouldIgetCirotoopenup?Ordowekeepscrewingin hotels?
“I’mbusy”
“Ididn’ttellyouwhenitis,”hesays,afrownmarringhisbrow.
“Mycalendarisfullfortherestoftheweek”
Anotherfrown.Helooksatthedresserbehindme,thenthebed.Helooksalittleconstipated.I’mnothelpinghimout,I’m fairlysurehewantsmetocome,butuntilheasks,Iwillnotrespond Iwait,butthesilencesaysitall Ican’tdecideifheis tooafraidtoask,orhedoesn’tcare.
“Ihopethetourgoeswell.”Ismile,knowingitdoesn’treachmyeyes. Ciro’sjawclenches,buthestillsaysnothing Itseemswrongtosayseeyouaround,orevengoodbye I’llseehimagain,we runinthesamecircles.Whoknows,maybehe’llloosenupalittlemore,butIdoubtit.
Igrabmyjacketandleavetheroom Holdingmyheadhigh,IfeelcheapasIjabattheelevatorbutton Secretmeetingsin hotelsforsex?Whendidmylifecometothis?
Idon’townacar,thereisnopointinNewYork,Iuseacarservice Thedrivertakesmetomyapartment,whereIchange andgrabwhatIneed.Idon’tchitchatwiththedriverashetakesmetomynextdestination,DynamicDanceinWestVillage.It’s nearclosingtime,butthelightsarestillon.Ihavemyownkeybutamsurprisedit’sstillopen.
Ienterthelobbyandcallout Raine,theownerofthecompany,popsherheadoutofheroffice “Hey,wasn’texpectingtoseeyoutonight.Iwasabouttoheadout.”
“Icanseetoit”
I step into the office as she pulls her coat on. I’ve known Raine since I was a wide eyed, shy seven-year-old. My elementaryschoolbestfriend,Eva,introducedmetodance.Shestoppedwhenwewenttohighschoolandfoundanewgroup offriends.
It’sclearIdon’twanttotalk,andRaineknowsmewellenoughtounderstandmybodylanguage.Wordlessly,shepatsmy
arm.
“Don’toverdoit,”shetellsmeasshewalkstothedoor.“Andlockthisbehindme.”
Idoassheasksandheadupstairstothemassivestudio Ithashighceilings,woodenfloors,andawallofmirrorswitha balletbarre.
I dump mygymbagand kickoff mysneakers, thenhead over to the table inthe corner where the sound systemis and connectmyphone,scrollingmyplaylistsuntilIcometoonetitled Sensual Beats.
The onlythingthatcansettle me,besides sex,is todance Idon’tturnthe lights on,the vastwindows letinenoughlight fromthecity.Walkingtothecentreoftheroom,Istandwithmyfeetslightlyapart,headdown,andeyesclosed.
Themusicstarts,andthebeatflowsthroughmybody.It’sslowatfirst,andIstarttomoveinplaceusingmyarmsandlegs, twistingmytorsoinfluidmovements
Thereisnoroutinetoit,thoughIknowmorethanadozenIcoulddancetothismusic.Idon’twantthat,noroutine,norules, Ijustwanttodance
DespiteRaine’swarning,Idanceforanhournon-stop,untilmyfeetandcalvesache,andsweatisdrippingdownmythroat andback
Mymind is blank, focusingonlyonthe movements, onthe floor beneathmyfeet, and the shadows castacross the floor, althoughIavoidlookingatmyreflectiondancingalongsidemeinthemirror.
Pantingheavily,Iheadtomybagandgrababottleofwater,drinkingitdownasIstareoutofthewindow Themusicstill plays,keepingthesilenceatbay.
Dancinghas always groundedme Idon’tadvertisethatIdoitandhaven’tcompetedinyears,notsincecollege,prior to startinglaw school. Raine wanted me to go professional, butitwasn’tonthe cards. Momallowed itas a hobbybutwould neverletitbemyprofession.SheevenmademepulloutofadancecompetitionwhenIwasseventeen,becauseitwastaking meawayfrommystudiesand ruining mychancesofgettingintocollege.
Raine tried to tell her how talented Iam, butmomwouldn’thear it. Dancingis notprestigious enough, itdidn’tbringin enoughmoney Unlessyouareaprimaballerina,andthatwasnevermyfortewhenitcametodance
Momwasmoreworriedaboutwhatherfriendsinhighsocietywouldthinkofmebeingadancer,whenherplanfromthe momentIwasbornwastobealawyer,likeherfatherandgrandfather Notthatshefollowedintheirfootsteps She’dmarried alawyerthough,Iguessshethinksthatcounts.
Partofme wonders whatitwould have beenlike had Ibeenallowed to compete, to putall ofmyfocus into the thingI loved.Ihavefriendswhohavegonefarwiththeircareers,intheatre,dancecrews,evenballet.
Theregimesandstrictdisciplinearetough,butIloveddancingenoughIbelievedIcouldovercomeallofthat,especially withRainebehindme Momforcedmetogiveitup,sayingitwasastupidandunhealthyhobby
She’s right to a degree, I’ve seengirls make themselves sick to stay in shape, dancingthrough the painof shin splints, bruisedtoes,achinghips Noneofthatbotheredme AllIwantedtodowasdance Mymomstolethatdreamfrommeanddidn’tcarehowmuchithurt. AllIcandoismakethemostofthetimewhenthestudiocloses,dancingforhoursuntilI’mwholeagain.
Finishingthewater,Igrabatowelandwipedownmychestandneck,thenpickupmyphone It’safteroneinthemorning Fortunately, I don’t have to be in court tomorrow, I’mmeeting Megan, one of my close friends for breakfast. I’mlooking forwardtoseeingher She’sbeengonethelastcoupleofweekswithJoey,herMMAfighterboyfriend,inVegas Bothofmybestfriendsareofflivingtheirbestliveswithmenwhowouldwalkthroughfireforthem.Mymindgoesbackto Ciro I’donceimaginedthingsbecomingmorebetweenus,feelingstogrow,himtoopenup It’snotmeanttobe.Idon’tknowwhyhe’slikethis,nordoIthinkanyonecanchangehim.Hewilldoitwhenheiswiththe rightperson.
Thatisn’tme
After releasinga shudderybreath, I shake everythingoff. There are things to do. I don’t need a man. And I don’t need meaninglesssex Thesadpartaboutitis,Iwon’tevenneedtospeaktoCirototellhimit’sdone Thatthoughtmakesmesadagain,butIpushthatbackandthrowmythingsintomybag.Mycarserviceistwenty-fourhours, soImakethecallandheaddownstairstowait
Tomorrowwillbebetter.I’vedancedoutmyfrustration.AtleastIcanrelyonthat.
“DidElvisperformtheceremony?”IaskgleefullyatthethoughtasIstepback. “No!Joeyplannedeverythingwithouttellingme.”
“OhmyGod,Ican’tbelievehedidthat Youhadnoidea?”
“No,”shelaughs.“Heproposedtomebeforethefight.Ididn’tknowtheactualweddingwouldbeacoupleofdaysafter.”
“Waituntil Jenna hears this,” Ilaugh “EvenIhave to admit, thatis romantic as shit I’mhappyfor you Bothofyou” I squeezeherhand,thengobacktomyseat.“Showmepictures.”
Megansmilesandscrollsthroughherphone Ikeepmysmileinplace I’mhappyforher Despitethesinkingsensationin mygut,Idon’twanttotakeawayherjoy.
Joeylooksdapperinhistuxedo,stretchedacrosshischestandshoulders.Therearebruisesonhischeekandjawfromhis fight Itdoesn’tmattertohimthough,he’ssmilingatMegan
Meganlooksstunning.“Howdidyougetthedresssofastifyoudidn’tknowaboutit?”
“Hehadthatallplanned,too Adressshopbroughtfivedressestomyhotelroomtochoosefrom”
Even my icy heart melts at that. It’s like something out of a movie. “You chose well,” I smile. “Megan, you look breathtaking Bothofyou I’dhaveflownoutifyoutoldmeaboutit”
“Wouldyou?”shecocksherhead,givingmeaknowingstare.
“Okay,maybeIcouldn’t.Butyoudidn’task.”
Meganrollshereyesbutdoesn’tlosethesmile “Theonlypeopletherewerethepreacherandtwowitnesses We’regoing tohaveagatheringwithfriendsandfamilywhenJoey’sscheduleletsup.”
“HaveyoutoldJennayet?”
“No,therehasn’tbeentime.”
“MayI?”
She waves a handatme togoahead.Ipull outmyphone andvideocall Jenna.Megancontinues lookingather wedding pictures,alovedup,serenesmileonherlips.Jen’sromancelovingheartwillburst.
“Hi,”Jennaanswersthecallwearingabikiniandlyingonasunlounger “Youmakemesick.”
“Don’thate,Brooke”Shesipsamargaritaandblowsmeakiss “What’sup?” “AreyouatAdam’s?”
“Yep,hehasacoupleofdaysinLAaftertheirlastshowlastnight.NickandElsaarecomingoversoonforbreakfast.” “Well,Ihavesomenewsforyou.”
“Whatkindofnews?”
IwaveMeganover Shedragsherchairclosertome Jennagreetsherwithabigsmile,askinghowJoeyis,tellingherthey watchedhisfight.
“He’sgood Great,”Megansmiles Inudgeherandpointatherhand “What’sthenews?”Jennaasks.
Meganholdsupherhand.Jennaleansforward,squintingintothescreen,thenhereyeswiden.“Isthataweddingband?”she screams “Yougotmarried!OhmyGod,Megan!I’msohappyforyou Whydidn’tyoucallus?DidithappeninLasVegas?We wouldhavecome.We’rerightnearVegas.”
“Okay,calmdown,woman Thegirlcanonlyansweronequestionatatime” “Sorry,sorry,”shelooksanythingbutsorry.“Tellmeeverything.”
Meganexplainshowheproposed,andhewantedtogetmarriedstraightaway Jennainterjectsexcitedly,hervoicegetting progressivelylouder.
“Whatthehell,Jen?”Adam’svoicehasherturningherheadawayfromthescreen.
“MeganandJoeygot married,”Jennajumps up,thephoneswings as sheruns across thedeckofAdam’s LAbeachfront house.
IshakemyheadatMegasthephonegoesbackuptoJenna Adamisstandingbesideher,holdingaspatulaandwearingan apron.Ipointathimandlaugh,knowingSandy,Jenna’smommusthaveboughtit.Theslogansays‘Madam,mayIrecommend thesausage’andthereisafingerpointingdownwards Heglaresatme,thenhegrinsatMeg “Congrats.TellJoeytoo.He’saluckyguy,”hewinks,kissesJenna,thendisappears.
“Okay,Meg,IpromiseI’llbequietnow,keepgoing.”Sherushesbacktoherseat.Meganopenshermouth,butJennaholds upahand “Wait,wait”Wewatchhergetsettled Shepicksuphermargarita “Okay,go” IsitbackasMegtellsusallaboutherspecialday.WhenElsaarrives,wehavetogothroughtheentirestoryagain.Nick appearsbehindthem,leaningdownbetweentheirtwoloungers Hegrins,congratulatingMeg,whosefacemustbekillingfrom allthesmiling.
I sip mycoffee and watchher animated face. Megandeserves this after what she lived through. It’s wrongof me to be jealous.Doesn’tmeanI’mnot.
I’mofficiallytheonlysingleoneofourcrew.Itbecomesalittlehardertokeepmysmileinplace.
CHAPTERFOUR It’s beena while since Isetfootinthis recordingstudio. Kono and Jasper produced our lasttwo albums inNew York. Beforethat,wealwaysrecordedhere Iknowthisplacelikeit’smyhome,we’vespentsomanyhourshere IgreetDean,thetechwhoisalreadybehindhissoundboarddesk.Weslaphands,thengothroughwhatweneedtochange onthe track Itdoesn’tsound to me like there is anyproblemwiththe recording Deanagrees, butIhave nothingelse to do today,soIheadintothesoundbooth,putonmyheadphonesandplaythesong.
OnceDeanishappywitheverything,Icomeouttolisten.Bothversionssoundthesame,butwhoamItoargue?Onlythe guywhowrotethedamnthing.Weshoottheshitforawhile,Deantellingmehemisseshavingthebandaround.Hestruckupa bitofabromancewithJordanlongago.
We’relaughingatsomeoftheshitheusedtogetupto,whenthedooropens ItrailoffwhenMadisonwalksintotheroom Shegivesmealook.
“Dean,couldyougiveusamomentplease?”It’saquestionbutcomesoutanorder Deanheadsout,leavingmealonewiththeviper.
“Whatthefuckisthis?”Igettomyfeetoncethedoorcloses.
“Doyouhavetobesovulgar?”Shearchesabrow
“Vulgar?Me?”Ihuffoutalaugh.
“Weneedtotalk”
“No.Therecordingisdone,soI’mout.”Iheadtowardsthedoors,butshestepsinfrontofme.
“Isaidweneedtotalk”
“Aboutwhat?”Istopandturntofaceher.“It’salittlelatetotalk,don’tyouthink?”
“You’rebeingchildish.”
“Childish?”Ishout Shedoesn’tevenflinch,juststaresatme
Thisbitch.I’veneverwantedtohurtawomanbeforeandIneverwill,butIsureasshitcanfantasiseaboutthrottlingher rightnow It’shardtobeinthesameroomasher Ican’tbelieveshepulledthisshittogetmehere Thereisnothingwrong withtherecording.
Madisonisbeautifulontheoutside,darkblondehairandblueeyes,withporcelainskin,apoutymouth,andcheekbonesa supermodelwouldbejealousof.Except,whereeveryotherhumanbeinghasaheart,shehasablockofblackice.
Madison’salwaysbeencold,professionalandsomethingofabitch.Ifiguredit’sbecauseshehasfoughtherwaytothetop ofaman’sworldand,astheonlyfemaleexecatthelabel,hastoberuthlesstorunwiththebigboys.
Thatisn’titatall,it’shernaturalstateofbeing Sheisn’tputtingonafronttomakesureshecanswimwiththesharks She is ashark.Sheisafuckingbitch.Icanbarelystandtolookather.
“Whatdoyouwant,Madison?”
ShepullsthechairDeanwassittinginfromthedeskandsitsdown.Idon’tmove.ShesighslikeI’madisobedientchild. Crossingherlegs,shetiltsherhead,herscowlhasn’tfaltered Itwouldtakeafacelifttoremoveit Iwaitherout,havinglearnt allofhertactics,I’mnotfillinganyawkwardsilences.
Iwon’tofferanyplatitudesoraneasywayoutofthiseither.She’stheonewhobroughtmehereunderfalsepretences.Ican happilyleavewithouthearingawordofthepoisonsuretospewoutofhermouth “Iholdallthepowerhere.Don’tforgetthat.”
“Ifyou’rethreateningtheband,thenyoucansaveyourbreath,Madison BreakNeckisbiggerthanyou Youhavenopower tothreatenus.”
Oh,shedidn’tlikethat Foramoment,Ifeelasmallsenseofpowerover her, butitdoesn’tlast NotwhenIrememberwhat shedid.
“Weagreedanythingthatoccurredbetweenuswouldbeconfidential.”
“Yeah,wealsoagreeditwouldonlyhappenonce,”Isay “Irecallthatchanging Howmanynightsdidyoushowup?” “YouwereanitchIneededtoscratch.”
Wow Fuck “FunnyhowI’mtheoneleftwiththerash Whateveryouwanttosay,sayit”
Shepullspapersoutofafolderandsetsthemdownontheedgeofthedesk.
“ThisisaNon-DisclosureAgreementIhadmylawyerdrawup.Signit.”
“Whatthefuck?”Ilaugh,butsheisserious.“AnNDAforwhat?”Idon’tgivearat’sasswhatherlawyerhaswritteninthat document.
“There will be no further relationship betweenus, other thanworkrelated, and Iwantto ensure youdiscuss nothingthat occurredduringthetimeweweretogether.”
“Areyouserious?”Ican’tevenwrapmybrainaroundwhatisgoingon ShewantsmetosignanNDAnottotalkaboutour relationship?“Littlelate,everyoneknows.”
Herlipstighten.ItoldNickafterthefirsttimeIsleptwithherbackinLA,whenhewasgoingthroughalltheshitwithhis biodad.AnditcameuponenightatMcAllister’swhenthewholebandwastogether.Itooksomeshitforit,Madisonishot, weallagreedyearsagowe’dfuckherifwegotthechance.
NoonecouldbelieveI’dtalkedmywayintoherbed Inevertoldanyonewekepthookingup MostlytorespectMadison wanteditkeptquiet.Itwasnoskinoffmynose.
“Noonefuckingcares,”Iadd “Thisisn’tjustabouttheintimaterelations.”
Ibarkoutalaugh,noamusementinthesoundthatcomesoutofme.“Intimaterelations?”
Itakeasteptowardsher,sheisregrettingsittingdownnow becauseItoweroverher IlowermyvoiceasIleanin “Do youmeanwhenImadeyoucomesohard,youcalledmeGod?OrthetimewhenIateyourcuntuntilyoucried,Madison.” Icanshowhervulgar,she’ssodamncoldthough,ifmywordsaffecther,shedoesn’tshowit Sheisafuckingstatue “Readit,signit,andsenditbacktomebytheendoftheday.”
“Getfucked,Madison”
Madisongetsup,causingmetotakeafewstepsback.Idon’twanttotouchher,evenanaccidentalbrushingoffabric.The womanmakesmewanttovomit.
“Ifyouwanted itlike this, youshould have gotme to signitbefore youletme fuckyou Ifit’s aboutmore than intimate relations,asyoucall it,youdon’tneedtofuckingworry.Ihavenointentionofdiscussingthatever again.Notwithyou,not withanyone Sotakeyour NDAandshoveitinthatemptyblackcavityinyour chest,Madison Staythefuckawayfromme, andI’llkeepmymouthshut.”
IstormoutoftheroomandbuildingasfastasIcan Myheartispoundingandtheneedtopukeswirlsinmygut Ididn’t thinkthewomancouldsinkanylower.FuckwasIwrong.
DiMarco,mysecurityguy,ischattingwithanotherworkerfromthestudio,whenhespotsme,heheadsover.
“Finishedalready?”
“Yeah,alldone,”Itakeinsomedeepbreaths,tryingnottolethimseehowdistressedIam.“Let’sgetoutofhere.” I’m not in the mood to see anyone right now I have a lingering feeling of nausea in my stomach Now the anger is dissipating,it’sreplacedwithsadness.Idon’tknowhowtoarticulatewhatI’mfeeling.Ican’tnameit,andIdefinitelyhaveno wayofexplainingittoanyone.
DiMarcostartsthecarandheadsformySpanishstylehomeintheHollywoodHills.
After turningoffmyphone,Idoanhour-longworkoutinmygym,thengetintotheshower.Ileanmypalms andforehead
againstthewalloftheenclosureandstaredownaswaterswirlsaroundmyfeet,runningtowardsthedrain.
IhaveplentyofpeopleIcanturnto.Peoplewholoveme,whowouldsupportmethroughthis.ButImeantwhatIsaid.I won’ttellanyone
Myeyesburnandthebackofmythroatgetsthick.Itrynotto,butIcan’tstop.Griefconsumesmeandtearsspillovermy eyelashes,minglingwiththewaterpoundingdownonthetopofmyheadandrunningovermyface
Ithrowmyheadbackandscreamuntilmyvoicegoeshoarse,anddropontomyass,mybackagainstthefreezingcoldglass. TimeceasestoregisterwithmeasIsitbeneaththespray,tryingtoholdmyselftogether
Ihavetobeonthetopofmygame,forthefans,therestofthebandandeveryoneelsewhoorbitsBreakNeck.Thisisthe lasttimeIwilldealwiththis,I’llgetitalloutofmysystemnow.
Glancingdownatthetattoo,IrealiseI’vesatunderthewaterforfartoolong,whichisn’tgreatfornewink Istandandturn offthewater,stepout,andgrabatowel.Fortunately,thetattoodoesn’thaveanydamage.Idryoffandwalkintomybedroom and,standingnakedinfrontofthemirror,Icheckthetattooagain Thereareonlysmallglimpsesofthefretboardandstrings showingthroughtherips.Chezdidn’trealisehowsymbolicthistattoois.
IneedtogetthesefeelingsoutofmeandafterIgrabapairofshortsandstalkthroughthequiethouse,Igostraighttothe musicroom.
Itrivalsthestudioatthelabel,Ihaveafullrecordingroomsetupincludingsoundproofbooths.Iheadovertothecouchand snatchopenthedrawerofaunitbesideit,pullingoutapadandpaper
Forthelongesttime,I’venotbeenabletogetanythingoutofmyheadontothepage.Itpoursoutofmenow.Thegrief,the anger,thecompleteandtotalemptiness,likesomethinghasbeenrippedfromoutofmeandIwillnevergetitback IfIgetitall outnow,thenI’llbeabletomoveon.I’llbeabletoputabravefaceon.Fakeittillyoumakeit.
Isitforhours,fillingpageafterpagewithlyrics.IhearthemusicinsidemyheadandafterI’vewrittentillmyhandcramps, Igrabtheguitarandputmusictothewords.BythreeAM,Ihavefoursongs,twoofthemareallwrongforus,buttheothertwo are good. Reallygood. Iknow Adamwill like them. They’re darkand representmyspilled-outguts, butAdamcanweave BreakNeckintothem
Iscoopeverythingupandputitaway,settingtheguitarsbackontheirstands.Ihaven’teatenordranksinceIgotback,soI grabalargebottleofwaterandabanana,abouttheonlythingIcanstomach
Mythirstandhungerpartiallydealtwith,Ifallintobed,puttingonearmupsoit’sovermyeyes.Itellmyselfthisisthelast timeIwillthinkaboutit.
I’mafuckinggoodliar.
“Youwroteallthislastnight?”
Adamsits across fromme atthe table onmybackpatio. Icalled to see ifhe wanted to listento somethingand he came straightover ElsaandJennahavegoneforspatreatments,andNickissomewherewithhisassistantJanie Probablylooking formorephotoshoots.Hethinkshe’samodelnow.
It’shotinLAsoAdamisinshortsandasleevelesstop,metoo,butI’mbarechested.IgrabthejugofOJandpourmyself anotherglass
“How’dyoubreakit?”Adamasks,hiseyesstillmovingoverthelyrics.
He hasn’tsaidone wayor another ifhe likes the songs yet Inthe end,Igave himthree ofthem One ofthemis waytoo personalanddarkerthananythingI’vewrittenbefore.Iwon’tbeabletohidemyactualfeelingsbleedingintothatone.
“Dude,youknowthereisnorhymeorreasonforwhenitcomes,”Isay,hopinghe’llbuythat Heglancesoverthetopofthenotepad,meetingmyeyes,thenbacktothelyrics.
“Thisone, Devil for Eternity. ” Hesaysnothingelse,setsthepaddown,grabsapenandstartsmakingnotes Hewriteshisthoughtsdown,thenhandsme thepad.
Ireadhisnotes Thereisonelinehe’shighlightedthatIdon’twanttochange,‘you ’ re the ghost in my head ’ IsayIwantto keepit,andhelooksatitagain,thennodsinagreement.
“I’mhearingitheavy.”Adamtapshisfingersagainstthetabletopafewtimesinquicksuccession.
“Yeah,thiswasnevergonnabeaballad,”Iagree,slippingmysunglasseson.
“Wedefinitelyhavespaceforadrumsolo,”hegrins.Jordanwillbehappywiththat.
“WhenhavewegottoheadbacktoNewYork?”Iask.
“Flightistomorrownight,”hefrowns.“You’re usuallytheonetelling us.”Inodbutsaynothing.“We’reshootingthevideo forSecondChancesonThursdayandFriday,thenJenandIareheadinguptoWhitePlains Keirafinishedthedress,soJenis havingalastfitting.”
“Andyou’reallowedtogo?”myeyeswiden Jennaisatraditionalromantic “Notachance,”Adamlaughs.“I’mgonnahangoutwithDadwhiletheydowhateveritiswomendoatthosethings.We’re gonna go outto the cityafterwards I’ve reserved the private space atFlux Momis lookingafter Jake, so Keira is coming along.Yougonnacome?”
“Whoelseiscoming?”
“Jennahasinvitedallthegirls,andNickwillcome,obviously”
“Obviously.”
“NotsureifJordanisaroundorifhe’llhavegonewithRedAlertbytheweekend He’smeetingtheminDesMoinesbefore weheadout.”
“Whyishealwaysbotheringherwhenshe’sontour?”
Adamgivesmealook.Jordanisacompletelydifferentpersontowhohewasayearago.AtfirstI’dbeenpissedIlostmy wingman, butIlike the new mellow, notspendingall his time gettinginto trouble, Jordan. Now, he bothers Alessa. Idon’t knowhowsheputsupwithhimhalfthetime
Goingoutthisweekendmightbegoodforme,takemymindoffshit.
Byallthegirls,AdammeansJenna’sbridalparty Keira,Elsa,Megan AndBrooke
ThefirsttimeImetJenna’sbestfriend,IpretendedI wasn’t fuckingtonguetied.Itisn’toftenIgotstunnedintosilencebya woman.Brookehasthatwholehighpowered,takenobullshit,sexyasfuckvibeabouther.
She’sbeautiful,nodoubtaboutit.Herdarkhairhasgrownoutalotsincewefirstmetandnowreachesdowntothemiddle ofherback.Thesleekshoulder-lengthbobsherockedwashotonher,butlonghairhasalwaysbeenathingforme.
Whensheisaroundus,sheletsthewholeballbustingguarddown Shestillhasacuttingtongueandaglarethatscaresoff eventhemostconfidentofmen.Ilikethatabouther.Womenwhoknowwhattheywantandaren’tafraidtoaskforitaresexyto me I’dspentmostofthatfirstnightsneakingglancesather Somuchso,peoplenoticed Jennawaseagertointroduceusandgetustalking.Isawthelookonmybestfriend’sfacetheminutethathappened.Adam didn’twantmehookingupwithhisgirl’sbestfriendandruiningshitforhim.Irespectedthatanddidn’thitonher.Nomatter howmuchIwantedtogettoknoweveryinchofBrooke.
Rightnow,womenarethelastthingonmymind.Especiallythatbusinessminded,independent,ballbustingkindofwoman. ItremindsmetoomuchofMadison NotthatBrookeandMadisonarealike Ican’timagineBrookebeingasheartlessasthat bitch.
Ishakemyselfoutofthosethoughtsbeforetheyturndark,anditshowsonmyface “Didyougeteverythingfinalisedonthe island?”Iask.
“Yeah,it’sallgood.”
Theweddinghasbeenstressingbothofthemout Especiallyarrangingitinthemiddleofthetour Mostofitisbeingdealt withbyplanners,buttherearethingsJennawantedtohandle.Someofthedecisionmakinghasbeendifficultfor her.Which draggedAdaminbecausehewantshertobehappy
I’mprettysureAdamwantedittobethetwoofthem.Jennaisoneofthosewomenwho’sdreamtabouther weddingday since she was a little girl, so her ideas differ fromhis She knows the life she is getting into with Adamand the typical weddingwon’thappenforthem.
Whenshesuggestedabeachweddingbecauseitwouldberomanticandintimate,Adamranwithit.Tothefuckingextreme. HehiredaprivateislandintheSeychellesandisflyingoutclosefriendsandfamily Theislandcaterssolelytotheguests inthe fifteenbeachfrontvillas and one private bridal villa. No one who shouldn’tbe there cangetonto the island without beingfoundout
It’s not Adamthrowingmoneyaround, this is all about privacy. Since announcingtheir engagement, the world has been tryingtofindouteverythingtheycanaboutthem Speculatingwhentheweddingwillbe,where,andwhatkindofdressJenna willwear.
This is aboutmakingsure their weddinghappens how theywant,withnointerruptions andnoworries.Noone will ever suspectthey’dplanaweddinginthemiddleofthetour
“JennaspoketoElleyesterday,we’vegotthefishingtripbookedbeforeweheadtoVietnam.”
“Soundsgood,man”
OneofJenna’sauthorclientsmovedtoMysticinConnecticutlastyear,andpartownsafishingcharter.Adamdoesn’twant abigcelebration,muchtoJordan’schagrin,butwerespecthiswishes.EvenifIhadtostopJordantryingtoorganisestupid shit.
“Benistakingus,soit’llbequietandbythatImean,itbetterbe.”
Iholdmyhandsup.“I’vedoneallIcan.YouknowIcan’tcontrolhim.” “I’llkickhisassifhedoesanythingcrazy.”
“Fuck,”Ilaugh “HelovesJennamorethanhelovesyou He’dneverdoanythingheknowsisgoingtopissheroff” “HaveyouforgottenlastChristmas?HeturnedSandy’shouseintothefuckingNorthPole.”
“Yougottahandittohimthough,eventhoughhegoesoverthetop,hedoesitinstyle” Adam’sjawclenches.Hedoesn’ttrustourdrummer.
“Youwannagolaydownsomemusictotheselyrics?”hegetsup “Devil for Eternity isadefinite,butIwannatryoutsome stufffor Hope She’s Numb too.”
“Yeah,sure,let’sgo.”
They’re justsongs Good songs ifa little roughrightnow Adamwill reworkand polishthemuntil Iforgetthe meaning behindthem.Atleast,Ihopehecan.Apartofmewonders ifit’s amistakeusingmypaininour music.I’mgoingtoplayit againandagain
Ontheotherhand,itcouldmakeitmoremeaningless,lessall-consuming.Ihope.
CHAPTERFIVE WestareatJennaasshestandsonthepodiuminfrontofthreemirrors,wearingherweddingdress Sandyiscrying,which, ofcourse,sets Elsa off.Beth,Adam’s mom,has her armaroundKeira,a softsmile onher lips.Megis huggingher glass of champagnetoherchest,hereyesmisty
Ithinkmybestfriendhaslosttheabilitytobreathe.I’veknownJennaaverylongtime.Thismomenthasbeenagoalofhers foraslongasIcanremember Thatsheismarryingthemanofherdreamsmakesitsomuchsweeter
Seeingaseveryonehasdescendedintoablubberingmess,IwalkovertoJenna.Reachingup,Itakeherhandandshesnaps outofhertrance.
“Youlookbeautiful”
“Youthinkso?”shewhispers.
“Keiracouldn’thavemadeamoreperfectdressforyou”
HerdressisalacebodicewithaplungingV-neckandthinstraps.Theskirtislongandfloatyandswishesaroundherlegs withathighhighsplit,whichisn’tobviousuntilshewalks.Thebackdipsrightdowntoherwaist.It’swhitewithadelicate, understatedlaceoverlayontheskirt.It’sperfectforabeachwedding.I’dexpectnothinglessthanperfectformybestfriend.
Acoupleoftearstrackdownhercheeksandshewipesatthemwithalaugh,turningtofaceeveryoneassheholdsherhands outtoKeira Adam’ssisterhurriestoJennaasshestepsoffthepodium
“Don’tsmooshit,” Sandysays, watchingthemhug, butshe is grinningand takes over whenKeira steps back. “Adamis goingtolosehisshitwhenheseesyouinthisdress”
SandyusesbothhandstosmoothJenna’shairback,thenholdsherdaughter’scheeks,staringintohereyes. “Doyouthinkhe’llcry?”Jennagrins. Keiralaughs.“That’swhatIwasgoingfor.” “Carltriedsovaliantlynottocryonourweddingday,”BethaddsaboutAdam’sdad. “Jamesletrip,”Sandylaughs,puttingherarmaroundJenna’swaist “Thishuge,stoicfirefighterblubbinglikeababy Made myday.”
“Dadcried?”Jennaasks “Younevertoldmethat” Sandynods.“Eventhoughwewereinfrontofeveryone,itwasallforme.Ifthatmakessense.” “Perfectsense,”Jennanods.
Everyoneelseisnodding Idon’twanttosayIdon’tgetit Ido,Imean,Icanimaginewhatitmustbelike I’veseenenough
moviesandlistenedtoenoughofJenna’sstoriestoknowithappens,andit’sbeautiful.It’sjustneverbeenapartofmylife. I’mnotevensuremyparentslikeeachother.Mydadcryingatthesightofmymother?Notinamillionyears.Ifanything, it’sarelieftohimwhenmomisgoingaway
Howthey’vestayedtogetheralltheseyearsisbeyondme.Theybarelycommunicateunlessthey’reincompany.Andtohear momspeakofhimwhensheiswithherfriends,you’dthinktheywerenewlyweds
Alllies OnceJennaisbackinherrippedjeansandPoisont-shirt,therestofustryonourbridesmaidgowns.Mineisdifferentfrom the others As the maidofhonour,andher longestfriend,Jenna wants me tostandout,eventhoughthe dresses are the same shadeofwillowgreen.
Theothershaveform-fittingsatincolumndresses,withanarrowstrapoverone-shoulder.Theyhavefull-lengthskirtswith asidesplitthatmakesthemsexybutsophisticated
When I put my dress on, my heart stops. It’s absolutely gorgeous. There is no other way to describe it. It’s an off-theshoulderdresswithblushmulti-colouredfloralembroideryoverthewholething Thesubtlecowlnecklinegivesaglimpseof cleavage,butit’snotobsceneandtheswagsleevesarenarrowanddelicate.IthasasoftA-lineskirtthatreachesthefloor.A skinnysasharoundthecinchedwaistfinishesitoff It’ssoflatteringtomyfigureandfitslikeaglove Keiraisafuckinggenius
AsIwalkout,Jennagetstoherfeet,draggingSandyandBethuptoo,becausesheisclutchingtheirhands.Shecriesagain, butI’llgiveherthisone.Igetalittleteary-eyedmyselfseeinghowdamnhappysheis.
“OhmyGod,youareallsobeautiful Ilovethem,”Jennahugsallofus
Shetakeshundredsofphotographs,makingsureSandytakesoneofthetwoofus.Whenshemovesontosnappicturesof Keiraandhermom,Jennasqueezesmetighter
“Youokay?”
“Ofcourse,whydoyouask?”
Jennatiltsherhead,hereyesnarrow.
“What?”Ipullbackandsmooththefabricovermystomachwithoutmeetinghereye.
“Thereissomethinggoingoninsidethatbigoldbrainofyours” “I’mfine.”
Shedoesn’tbelieveme,soIsmilebiggerandbrighter “Brooke.”
“Thisisyourday,yourtime.Anythingtodowithmeisn’timportantrightnow.” “Soyouadmitthereissomething?”
“No,thereisnothingwrong,”Igroan.“ButIamabouttostartsweatingifyoukeepupthislineofquestioningandIdonot wanttoruinthisdress”
Jennashakesherheadandletsmegogetchanged,butI’mnotoffthehook. Whatcouldsheseeonmyface?ThatI’mjealousofallofthis?OrmymindhasbeenreplayingmylastmeetingwithCiro, secondguessingwhetherIshouldcallitoff,orarguingabouthimopeninguptome?Itcouldbemylatestcaseisplayingonmy mind.
Therearemanythings NoneIwanttotalkabout Now,orever I’mnotgettingintoanykindofpityparty So Imake a concerted effortto cheer up whenwe head backto New York. Adamis takingus to anexclusive nightclub, Flux Jennalovestodance,andhe’spickedaplacewhereshewillbesafe
Theclubisjumpingandasperusual,andanaddedperkofmybestfriend’srelationship,wearewhiskedstraightintothe VIParea AlthoughthisseemsmuchfancierthanotherVIPareas “IsthislikeaVIP’sVIParea?”Ilaugh. Jennashrugs.“Kinda.”
Over the last year, Jenna mellowed about Adam’s fame She struggled a lot at first Particularly before they officially becameanitem.Istillsensesomeofthatinsecurityinher,butshetrustsAdam.Oneofmyjobsasherbestfriendistokeepa closeeyeonhim Admittedly,heisdevoted
We’reinalargeroomwithsmokedblackglasswindowsoverlookingtheclub.Thereareopenbalconiessowecanhearthe musicandnoiseoftheclubgoers Thesamemusicispumpinginthisroom,butnotasloud
Everythingisblack,thefloor,thewalls,theceiling.Thereisalongbarwithtwoserversbehindit.Thewallbehindthemis litupwithwhiteneon,butit’snotsuperbrightandgarish.Therearerowafterrowofbottles.SomewithblacklabelsI’msure costmorethanImakeinamonth
Withmutedfloor lightsandstrategicallyplacedspotlightsintheceiling,itgivestheplaceamysteriousair.Blackleather couchesarearoundtheroom,andtheyallhaveglasscoffeetablesinfrontofthem ItakeaseatwithMeganandKeirawhileJennagoestoAdam.ElsaisalreadyonNick’slaponastoolinfrontofthebar. Lookswaytooprecarioustome,butElsahasremarkedNick’slapisoneofthe‘mostcomfortableplacesshe’severplacedher derriere.’Whilewe’rechatting,Joey,Megan’snewhusbandarrivesandwhisksherawayaftergreetinguswithagrin.Hemay beahugeandscaryMMAfighter,butJoeyisateddybearoutsideofthering.
“Soit’syouandme,”Keirasays,takingaglassofchampagnefromatraysomeonehasplacedonourtable.
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Single,”shepoutsoutherlips “Slimpickingsinheretoo Imayhavetogodownstairstoseewhatisonoffer” “You’renotgoingdownstairs.”
Keiralooksoverhershoulderatherbrother Shearchesabrowathim,buthedoesn’tseematallputoff “Whynot?” “Becausetherecouldbeweirdosdownthere.”
“Ihaveasitter,Ilookfabulous,andI’mgoingtohavefuntonight Who’swithme?” IsmirkatAdamandgrabaglassofchampagne.“Me,butlet’shaveafewofthesebeforewegodance.” “Amen,sister,”Keiraclinksherglasswithmine.
BeforeAdamcanargueagain,Jennadragshimawayfromthetable,whisperingsomethingtohim Heisgivingitbackuntil shecrossesherarms.KeiraandIlaughashebacksdown.
Ifyouliveyourlifeworryingabouteverylittlethingthatmighthappen,youmayaswelllockyourselfupathome I’mall forlivinglifetothefullest.
Keiraisright,we’rehotinour slinkyblackdresses Our makeupisonpointandhair styled,albeitshehasasoftblonde pixiecut,tomylongdarkcurls.
I’mnotthetypetogushoveranything,butI’dbeensoimpressedbythedressesshemadeusforthewedding,IthinkImay haveembarrassedher ItoldhertoownhertalentandKeiraseemedverypleasedwiththat Afewmorepeoplearrive,andIeyethemtoseeifthereisanyoneinteresting.Keiranudgesmewithherelbow.
“WhoisMrtall,darkandsexonlegs?”sheleansinclosesonoonecanoverhear “Whichone?” Ismirk, glancingbackatthe four men. One ofthemis Archer Harris. Ido a double take because Ididn’t recognisehim.He’srockingathickbeardand,ohmyovaries,helooksinsanelyhotwithit.Ican’tdragmyeyesawayfrom him,vaguelyawareKeiraissayingsomethingtome.
Iadmit,IhadacrushonArcherwhenIwasfirstintroducedtotheband,thenagain,I’dcrushedonallofthem,orgotway tooexcitedatmeetingtheserockgods
I’moverit.They’renormalpeoplewhoInowhangoutwith.Thatwowfactorisgone.Butdamn,Archeriswearingablack shirtwiththetoptwobuttonsopen Hissleevesarerolledup,showingoffhistattoos Momentarily,Iimaginetakingsomeonelikehimhometomeetmyparents.They’dlosetheirshit.
“Whoareyousmilingat?”Keiraasks,lookinginthesamedirectionasme.“Ohshit,isthatArch?Iwasalittleinlovewith himwhenweweregrowingup.”
Itwistmyheadtoher.Hersayingthatdoesn’tbotherme,ofcourseitdoesn’t.It’sjustArcher.Myeyesgobacktohim,the lightshitthesilverofhisbeltbuckleinhisblackpants MycheeksflushasIrealisewhereI’mlooking Ibetterstopthatshit beforesomeoneseesmeoglinghisjunk.
“Thefeelingwasnotmutual,”Keiralaughs “Besides,Adamwouldhavepunchedhiminthedickifheeventriedtohiton me.”Sheisscowlingnow.
“Weretherealotofscaredboysinyourhighschool?”
“He’s notthattough,” she sips her champagne “To be honest, Iappreciated how he looked outfor me Like withJake’s dad.”
Shegetsmyundividedattentionnow Idon’tknowherwellbutwhatIknow,Ilike Jakeisherson,andnooneevertalks abouthisdad.“Whathappenedthere?”Iask.
“Collegeboyfriend Hewasajock,sleptaround Alot,”sherollshereyes “Wehadahotandheavymonthortwobefore hegotbored.”
“Prick.”
“IknewwhatIwasgettinginto WhatIdidn’texpectwasgettingpregnant” “Musthavebeentough,especiallyincollege.”
“Yeah,momanddadtriednottoshow it,buttheyweredisappointed,”shelooksintoher glass “Butitnevercrossedmy mindnottohavehim.Orgiveupcollege.Istayeduntilitwastoodifficulttogettoclasses,thenswitchedtoonline.”
“Goodforyou”Iclinkherglass “Nothingcankeepusdown” “Amen.”
“SowhathappenedwithAdam?”Iremindherhowthisstorystarted.
“Hebeattheshitoutofhim”
Myeyeswidenasashortlaughburstsoutofme.“Adamdid?”
“Yep SeniorQBforthecollegeandAdamlaidhimout Thatwasafterhefoundoutaboutthebabybuttoldmeitwasn’t his,andifitwas,he’deitherpayformetogetridofitorbuymeoff.”
“Whatashitstain,”Iscowl.“Buthey,I’mkindalookingatAdaminawholenewlight.”
“Why’sthat?”
Iturnattherichvoicebehindme.Aquickshiverrunsdownmyspineashestaresatme.Notonlyisherockingthebeard,
butArcher’shairislongertoo.Eveninthedimlight,Icanmakeouthishazeleyes,notquitebrown,notgreen,they’realmost whiskeycoloured.Mesmerizing.
Shit He’sofflimits,Iremindmyself Nomorerockstars Nomoremenwhoaren’tlookingforsomethingserious “HeyArch,”Keirasmiles.“Hi,”shewavesattheothermen.“IwastellingheraboutAdam’sshowoftestosteronewhenhe beatupJake’sdad”
“Oh,”hegrins.“That.Soyou’reimpressedwiththat?”heasksme.Hepullsoutthestuffedstoolbesidemeandtakesaseat. Twoofthemenhecameinwithalsopullupchairs
“Aguystandingup for his sister’s honour? Whywouldn’tIbe?” Isip mychampagne, lookingathimover the top ofthe glass.Hewatchesmedrinkit.Fuck,areweflirting?
“Well,hewasadick,”hesays “Hedeservedit” “Violenceisnevertheanswer,”Keirainterjects. MyeyesaredrawnawayfromArcher’s Whatever spell Iwasunder,it’sbroken AndIremindmyselfagainthatI’mnot herelookingforaman,ortogetlaid.Although… “Whoareyourfriends?”Iask Archerstaresatmeforabeat,hisgazeintense.
“Sam,”hepointstothefirstman,whoalsohasashortbeard.It’snotassexyonhim.“AndTyler,”hepointstothesecond man “Mybrothers”
“Brothers?”NowIseetheresemblance.They’rebothhandsome,notonArcher’slevel,butdefinitelygoodlooking.There isathirdguywiththemstandingbehindTyler ArcherintroduceshimasZach,hiscousin He’stheguyKeiraisinterestedin She flushes whenshe draws her eyes awayfromhim. “Where is Daniel?” she asks. “His other brother,” she says to me. “Thebabyofthefamily.”
“He’swithhisbaby,”Tylersays.“Can’tdraghisassoutofthehouseanymore.” “Theyhaveanewborn,”Sampointsout.
“Doesn’tstophimgoingoutonceinawhile”
“Danny’sneverbeenthepartyingtype,”Archersays.Heglancesaroundandwavestowardssomeoneatthebar.Itrynotto seewho,notwantingtoknowifit’sawoman “Justbecauseyoutwoassholesweren’tthesamewhenyourkidswerebabies”
Thatsetsoffanargument,Sam,andTylerfillingmeinontheirkids.Whilethey’retalking,aservercomesoverandleansin closetoArcherashestretcheshisneckuptowhispersomething.Idon’tacknowledgewhythatpissesmeoff.Evenwhenthe womannodswithasmallsmileandwalksaway.Archercatchesmelookingandraisesabrow.Iignorehim.
ButIamappeasedwhenthewomancomesbackwithatrayfullofbeerbottles.Shesetsitdownonthetableandsmilesat Archer Hewinksandthanksherbuthasnofurtherconversation
Thewomanisdisappointedasshewalksaway.Sheshouldn’tbeflirtingwiththeclienteleanyway.Don’ttheyhaverules aboutthat,especiallyintheVIP,VIP’sarea?
Jordanappears, bringinganother swathe ofpeople withhim.Iglance around for Alessa, they’re normallyattached atthe hip.ThenIremembersheisontourwithRedAlert.
Whichmakes me thinkofCiroandmymoodsours Jordan’s crew comes over tojoinus andhe greets Archer’s brothers withhugsandbackslaps.HeblowsKeiraakissandsqueezesmyshoulderwithasmile. “What’shappeningherepeople?”
“ThoughtyouwereinDesMoines?”Archerasks. Jordanpullsaface “AlessasaidIshouldnotcome” Theguysalllaughatthat.
Jordanignoresthemandlooksatus.“Areyouhavingfun?”
“We’reabouttobe,”Keirasays,settingdownherdrink Shegetstoherfeetandgrabsmyhand “We’regoingdancing You guyshavefun.”Shewigglesherfingersanddragsmeawayfromthetable.“OhmyGod,howcuteisZach?Where’sAdam?” shepeersaround
IdothesameandspothimmakingoutwithJenna.“Otherwiseoccupied,”Ipoint. “Gross Butgood,quick,beforehecomesupforairandsensesI’mnolongerintheroom,”shegrins,hurryingmetowards theexit.
Stoneisthere,watchingovereveryone,andnarrowshiseyesasweapproach. “Beforeyoustart,we’rejustgoingtodance,”Keiratellshim “Nooneisgoingtocareaboutus” Heeyeballsus,hisfaceasblankashisname.“Ididn’tseeyouleave,”hesays. “LoveyouStone”Wehurryoutthedooranditclosesbehindus “Andnowwe’refree So,Zach,”sheputsonehandtoher chest.“Ican’tbelieveArchhasneverbroughthimaroundbefore.”
“Probablyknowshowthirstyyouare,”Ilaugh.
“And not ashamed to admit it. I may take some time getting friendly with him when we get back. But right now, the danceflooriscalling.I’mmakingthemostofmomhavingJake.”
