Bloody Tainted Lies: A Dark Mafia Romance Shae Ruby
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Bloody Tainted Lies Copyright©2024byShaeRuby Allrightsreserved.
Noportionofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyform,orstoredinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying, recordingorotherwise,withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher Itisillegaltocopythisbook,postittoawebsite,ordistributeitbyanyothersmeanswithout permission,exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreview
Thisbookisentirelyaworkoffiction Thenames,characters,andincidentsportrayedinitaretheworkoftheauthor’simagination Anyresemblancetopeople,livingor dead,andeventsisentirelycoincidental
ISBN:979-8-9860000-8-4
CoverDesign&Formattingby:QuirkyCirce
Editedby:
Juliaatentirelybonkerz(@entirelybonkerz) AngieOjedaHazen(LunarRoseEditingServices)
Playlist
TriggerWarnings
NationalSuicidePrevention
Prologue
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
ChapterTwenty-Eight
ChapterTwenty-Nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-One
ChapterThirty-Two
ChapterThirty-Three
ChapterThirty-Four
ChapterThirty-Five
ChapterThirty-Six
ChapterThirty-Seven
Epilogue
What’sNext?
Afterword
Acknowledgments
AbouttheAuthor
AlsobyShaeRuby
Contents
For all my people who believe in second chances, this one is for you
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MeddleAbout– Chase Atlantic
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UntiltheDayIDie– Story of the Year LyingistheMostFunaGirlCanHaveWithoutTakingHerClothesOff– Panic!At the Disco PaperThinHymn– Anberlin
Cardigan– Taylor Swift IfYouWantLove– NF Waiting– The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus WithMe– Sum41
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LovedYouALittle– The Maine, Taking Back Sunday & Charlotte Sands Shameless– Camilla Cabello
3:15(SlowedDown&Reverb)– Russ DieForYou– The Weeknd NothingIsForever– Haarper BeautifulThings– Benson Boone
Iwritedarkstoriesthatcanbedisturbingtosome Mybooksarenotforthefaintofheart,andmycharacters,manytimes,are notredeemable.Thisbookcontainsdarkthemestoincludegraphicsexscenes,consentnon-consent/dubiousconsent,captivity, breathplay,waterplay,degradation,graphicmurder,rape(notbymainmalecharacter),somnophilia,grief,deathofabrother, suicidalthoughts,suicideattempt,voyeurism,druguse,bodyimagestruggles.Imaybemissingsometriggers,soinstead, considerthisablankettriggerwarning.
Itrustyouknowyourtriggersbeforeproceeding,andalwaysremembertotakecareofyourmentalhealth. FormorethingsShaeRuby,visitauthorshaeruby.com
If You Know Someone in Crisis: CalltheNationalSuicidePreventionLifeline(Lifeline)at1-800-273-TALK(8255),ortexttheCrisisTextLine(text HELLOto741741).Bothservicesarefreeandavailable24hoursaday,sevendaysaweek.Allcallsareconfidential. Contactsocialmediaoutletsdirectlyifyouareconcernedaboutafriend’ssocialmediaupdatesordial911inanemergency
There’sanurgentknockatthedoor Knock,knock,knock,knock. Pause.
Thedoorbellrings Knock,knock,knock,knock.
Iruntothedoor,butwhenIopenitnooneisthere Iheargurglingsounds,andwhenIlookdown,thereliesAndreaina poolofhisownblood,chokingonit.Evenonhisside,he’sdrowning.There’saholeonthebackofhisshirt,ahugeone,and whenImoveitaside,there’sagapingfuckingwound
Withshakinghands,Itakemyphoneoutofthebackpocketofmyshortsanddial911.
“911,what’syouremergency?”
“Mybrother’s beenshot!” Iyell into the phone, feelingthe agonydeep inmybones “Idon’tknow whatto fuckingdo!” Desperation claws me fromthe inside out, and my hands shake as I put my phone on speaker and touch my brother with tremblinghands
Andreagurglesagain,“Camilla.”Hewhispersbetweengurgles.“It’sokay.” “No,it’snotokay!”
“I ”Gurgle.Moredrowning.“Love ”Again,withthesoundthatwill hauntmynightmares forever.“You.”Hechokes again.“Helpme.”Thelastwordwhooshes outandIholdhim,feelinghimtakeabreath,adeepone awetone.Aguttural rattlepassesmybrother’svocalcordsbeforeheletsitout,andhischestceasestorise Hislastbreath
Hehadalastbreath.
He’snotbreathing
Mybrotherisn’tbreathing,andIdon’tknowwhattofuckingdo!
“Ma’am?”Thewomanonthephoneremindsmeshe’sthere.“Ishebreathing?”
“No!”Iscream,“Dre!”Islaphisface,“Andrea,wakethefuckup!Don’tyoudaredothistome.”Isob,shakinghim,more bloodpouringfromhisback.
Hecan’tsurvivethis
“Puthimflatonhisback ”
“Hehasahole!”
“PuthimflatonhisbackanddoCPR.”
“Idon’tknowhow!”Iscreamagain,puttinghimflatonhisbackjustlikeshesaid.
“Nowinterlaceyourfingersandputyourpalmsonhischestbetweenthepectoralmuscles.Thenpumponhischest.” “Okay.”Ibegintopump.“I’mdoingit.”
“Good job!” the womanpraises as ifI’ma child, and itonlymakes me wantto cryharder That’s how Iused to praise Andrea.Hewassuchagoodkid.Is. Is.“Theambulanceiscoming.They’realmostthere.”
Asifoncue,theambulanceentersthestreet,andsodothepoliceandfiretruck Thesoundsaresoloudmyheadbeginsto pound, and the brightlights are makingme dizzy. ButIstill breathe throughit, focusingonthe chestcompressions. There’s bloodallovermyhands,andnauseatakesover,butthentheparamedicscometomyside,andIsnapoutofit.
“They’rehere”Ibreatheoutandhangupthephoneassoonassomeoneshovesmeaside
Afterafew minutesofmanyparamedicsworkingonhim,he’sputintheambulance,whereIgoinwithhim.Mylegsare coveredindarkredblood,stillwetanddrippingfromme Myhandsaresoakedtoo,andIsmearthemonmyshirtasIattempt
todrythem.Prettysuremyphoneisstillinapoolofbloodonmyfrontporch,andsuddenpanicgripsmychestwhenIthinkof losingpicturesofhim.
“CanIuseyourphone?”Theybothlookateachotherandthebloodallovermeandthemselves
“Please,Idon’thaveto holdit.”
Oneofthewomennods,herdirtyblondehairupinahighbunandherblueeyesfull ofpity Shetakesoffonegloveand dialsthenumberasIlistitoutforher.Thelineringsandrings,andjustwhenIthinkitwillgotovoicemail,heanswers.
“Hello?”
“Leo!Andreahasbeenshot.You’reonspeakerphone.I’mintheambulancerightnow.”
“Whatthefuck?”There’srustlinginthebackground,likehe’sgettingoutofbed.“I’llbethereinaminute,babe.”
“Canyougetmyphonefromthefrontporch?”Iaskwithalow voice,prayinghetakes pityonme Myliptrembles as I awaithisresponse,andmybreathcatchesinmythroatwhentheparamedicslookatmeclosely.
“Ofcourse, tesoro mio,”hesaysandmybreathwhooshesout “I’llberightthere”
“Bye,”Iwhisper,watchingtheparamedicsstillworkingonmybrother.
His chestis gettingpumped, and Ihear the crunchofribs under unfamiliar hands Hands thatshould never have touched him.
Heshouldn’tbehere.
Andreashouldbeathomeasalways,withearbudsin,readingbooksinbeduntilhepassesout Notshotonthefrontporch Notdead.Notonthefuckingfrontporch.
Whodidthistohim?Whoshothim?Whofuckingkilled him?
Imaynotknowtheanswerstowhodidthis,butIwillfindout,andwhenIdo…thatpersonwillpaytoo. Inblood.
Myfatherwillmakesureofthat.
WhenIwasateenager,Iknewlovewasgoingtobepainful It’sagiven,mymothersaid ExceptIalwaysthoughtI’dfall inlovewithmyfiancé,andinstead,Ifellforthewrongperson.Theenemymyparentsalwayswarnedmeabout.The bigbadwolf.Hewasneverthat,though.Hewassweet,gentle,even. Forbidden.ButtheheartbreakIexperienced…I don’tthinkIwilleverfeelagain Notwithanyonebuthim AndnowI’mforcedtofacehimthreetimesaweekinmybusiness class.
AtlanticUniversityinSeaside,Florida,isacollegedesignedformafiastudents We’resentheretoassemble,toformand foster relationships.Thefutureofour familiesdependsonalliances,andwhatwecandotocreatethem.Thestudentsatthis schoolarenotlimitedtoChicago They’rethemafiakidsofdifferentfamiliesscatteredacrosstheUnitedStates Chicago,New York,LasVegas,andFlorida,tonameafew places.Thisschool'sorganizationsincludeLaCosaNostra,Bratva,IrishMob, andPolishMob.There’smorethanthat butthosearetheonlyonesthatmatterbecausetheymakeupTheElite.
The Elite is a group ofmenwho have come together to runeverything They’re bosses who have had the opportunityto stakeaclaimintheschoolandareinchargeofwhoisaccepted,whoisn’t,andeverythingthatgoesoninthecollege.There aretwelveofthemintotal,allfromdifferentlocations TherearethreeItalian,Russian,Polish,andIrishmembers themost powerfulfamilyofeachlocation.ThemainareasareChicago,NewYork,andLasVegas.
Notonlyaretheyinchargeofwhogetsacceptedintotheschool,buttheyalsodoleoutpunishmentstotheoneswhostep outofline.Punishmentsaregivenbasedontheoffensemade.Butthere’saloophole.Anymurderormaimingthathappenson AtlanticUniversitysoil is notpunishablebydeathbecauseit’s neutral ground.That’s nottosaythattheywon’tbepunished, though
Theschool’shousingisalsodividedbycountriestoavoidconflict,consideringthatmanyofourfamiliesareenemies.The ItaliansandRussianshavetheirownhousesoncampus,similartofrathouses,andweallhaveournameforourgroups,which is also the name ofour house. The Russians are D’yavolo, and that’s also the name oftheir house, and we, the Italians, are Demoni.Ipersonallydon’tliveinoneofthehouses,instead,myfatherboughtahouseattheedgeofcampusthatistechnically still Atlantic Usoil,justawayfromeveryone else.Myfriends andIlive there,thanks toMatteoDeLuca andhis controlling ways.HewantstoknowthatI’mnotdrinkingandpartyinganymore.Ishouldcare;infact,Ishouldbeoutragedthathe’strying tocontrolmetothislevel,butIhonestlyjustdon’t
Icheckedoutofcaringsixmonthsagowhenmylittlebrother,Andrea,waskilled.NowIjustsurvive,putmyheaddown, andgoaboutlife Igetthroughitonedayatatime Theonlythingthatsavesmerightnow,thatmakesmefeelalive,isdance Andsometimes,oncertaindays,seeingNikolaiPavlovinthecrowdofstudentssittinginmybusinessclassroom.
Mydreamonedayistobecomeaballetteacher,maybeafterbeingaPrimaBallerinaforsometime.Butit’simportantto metofinishcollegefirst,asIneverknowwhatcouldhappen.Ballerinascanhaveinjuries,andIneedsomethingtofallback onintheeventthatatragedyhappens.Anditwouldbemybadluck,becausetragedyhasbeenfollowingmearoundsinceIwas seventeenyearsold
So,inthehopesofachievingallmydreams,I’vetakenupbusinesstolearnhowtohavemyown.Iwantmyownstudioone day,andtheonlywaytomakethathappenisbyhavingatleastbasicknowledgeonhowtorunmorethanjustthedancesideof it.Idon’texpecttohaveanyhelpfrommyfamily,althoughifImakemytrustfundlast,Icouldliveoffitformanydecadesto come.
Butnow,asIsithereinmybusinessclass,takingoutmynotebookandpens becauseIcolorcodemynotes mybiggest nightmarestepsinthroughthedoorandsmilesatme.Asmilesobrightmyheartnearlystopsinmychest.Asifthelasttimewe spokehadn’ttraumatizedme Likehedidn’tbreakmyheartbeyondrepair Andyethehastheaudacitytowalkrightuptome
andplopdownonthechairrightnexttomine.Heputsupthelittledeskattachedtothechairandlooksatme.Ifeelhisgaze burningmyface,butIdon’tdareturntowardhim.Instead,Ikeepmyeyesforwardandtrytoignorehim.
It’sdifficulttoignoreNikolaiPavlov,though HispresencefillstheroomlikenothingI’veeverfeltbefore,exceptmaybe throughmyentireteenageyears,whenhewaseverythingtome.Now hisscenttauntsme,sandalwoodandvanilla,fillingmy nostrilsuntilIwanttocryfromhowmuchImissit Him
Nikolai taps his penagainsthis desk,annoyingme,andIhuff.Iglance over athimandroll myeyes,“Couldyouplease stopthat?”Iaskcalmly,andhesmirks “You’redistractingme”
“I’msurethat’snotthereasonwhyyou’redistracted.”HisvoiceisdeeperthanIremember.Hisbodyisdifferenttoo.He’s broader,stronger.Builtlikeaman,nottheboythatIknew.Evenhisjawlooksstronger,morechiseled.Hislipsfuller.Hiseyes prettier MaybeI’mjustimaginingthings Hisblackhairstillfallsoverhiseyeswhenhelooksdown,andhissilvereyesstill havethatblackfreckleontherightone.
“Whyareyouhere,Nikolai?”Iaskhimwithashakyvoice,tryingnottocry,tryingnottorememberthelasttimewespoke Thehurtfulthingshesaid.“Wehaven’ttalkedinthreeyears.”
“I’maware”Hesayscoolly “Youlooklikeshit,Camilla ”Myheartclenchesinmychestbrieflyatthewayhepronounces myname,thewayhealwaysusedto.Iloveditsomuch.Now,itjusthurts.
IknowIlooklikeshit,unfortunately.It’skindofhardtocareaboutmyappearancelately,althoughI’mstillmakingsureto bepresentable Buttoday?Theonedayhenoticesme?I’mjustwearingsweatpantsandaT-shirtwithamessybunontopof myhead.Heshouldbeusedtoit;thisisexactlywhatIwouldwearafterthedancestudiowhenwemetup,onlynowhe’susing it against me to make me feel bad about myself Go figure “Thanks I guess that is what happens when your brother gets killed.”
Ilookathimbriefly,justquickenoughtoseehiscringeandthehardsetofhisjaw.“I’msorry.” “Youshouldbe.”Iraisemychin,“Thatwasfuckedup.”
“I’msorryIdidn’t ”
“Look” Isigh, “We were done, Nikolai” He cringes againwhenIdon’tcall himbyhis nickname “Youdon’towe me anything,sosaveyourexplanations.Ididn’texpectyoutocallmeorcometotheservices.Don’tworry.” “Ishould’vebeenthere”
You should’ve been there for a lot more, Nikki.
Theprofessorwalksinthroughthedoor,settlingatthefrontoftheroom,andshebeginstotalk.“Ineedtopayattention.” “Letmemakeituptoyou,please.”
“What?”
“Notcallingafteryourbrother’sdeath”
Myeyeswellupwithtears.It’snotthatithurtsthatmuchthathedidn’tcallatfirst.Ididn’tthinkaboutituntilIhadnoone totalktoaboutit UntilIwantedtotell him allaboutmyfeelingsandpain “Andhowwillyoudothat?”
“Letmegetyouapresentforyourbirthday.”
“Idon’twantyourgifts,Nikolai.”
“Fine”Hewhispers “Letmeseeyouagain Justonemoretime” “Leo will actually murder me.” I snap. “Literally. And why now? Hmm?” Tears well up in my eyes and I look away. “You’vehadallthistime Whynow?”
“Because,Milla,”hereplies,“BecauseImissyou?Idon’tknowwhy.Ijustneedto Idon’tknow.Getclosure?”
“Idon’t”Igazeattheteacher,whoislookingaroundtheclasslikeshe’stryingtofigureoutwho’stalking Idomybestto keepastraightfaceandwipemytearsdiscreetly,likeI’mscratchingmyface.Onbothsides.Ugh.“However,ifyougenuinely needitthatbad,thencometomypartyinafewdays...OnSaturday.I’msureyouknowthehouse, yeah?” Isaytheyeahjustlikeheusedto,andhesmiles
“Iknowwhereitis.”
“Alright”Inodonce,“Nowletmepayattention”
Hedoesn’tsayanotherwordthroughthelecture,andIkindofwishhehadn’tlistenedtome.Ihighlydoubthewillshowup attheparty That’sjusthimpityingme,tellingmesomethingtomakemefeelbetter Healwaysdidmakemefeelbetterabout everything.
Wheneveryonestartsgettingup,Ihastilygathermybelongingsandstuffthembackinmybag,wantingtogetoutofhere. ButwhenIgetuptogetgoing,Nikolaigrabsmywristinanirongrip “Saturday?”Heasks,hisvoicehoarse “You’lltalkto me?”
“Sure”
Withthat,heletsmego,andIallbutruntomycar.Onceinside,thedambreaksandmytearsflow.Ican’tbelievehimright now, wanting to barge into my life like nothing ever happened. Like he wasn’t ripped from me, taken, blackmailed. We shouldn’tevenbe conversingrightnow,muchless atmyparty.Leonardo,myfiancé since we were kids,is goingtoflipthe fuckout.
Leonardoisthekindofguywhousedtobenice,sweeteven.Wegotengagedinelementaryschool,andhewasmyfriend foralongtime.Oneofmybestones,infact.Butthatwasalongtimeago,andnowhe’sthedevilincarnate.I’vehatedhimfor four years, and I will continue to hate himuntil the day I die Except ever since I lost my virginity to him, we’ve had an understanding.IfIeverhaveanurgetohavesex…Icometohim.It’smainlybecausethelasttimehecaughtmewithaboy,he ruinedmylife,sonowIeithergotohimorIhavetobehighlydiscreet EveryoneatAtlanticUknowswe’reengaged,andhe wouldfinishkillingmeifheeverfoundoutIfuckedsomeoneelse.AndIhaveneedstoosometimes,damnit.
Soeventhroughmyhate,Irelentandfuckhim Atleastsometimes,whichonlymakesmehatemyselfmore Annie,mybest friend,hateshimmorethanIdo.Ifthat’sevenpossible.Andshedoesn’tevenknow whathedidtome.They’vejustalways hadathingwheretheycan’tstandthesightofeachother.Eversincewewerechildren,theyconstantlyfought.
Idriveovertothestudiowithmywindowsdown,lettingthebreezehitmyfaceandthesmell ofsaltwaterpermeatemy senses.I’vealwayslovedbeingbythebeach,andwithitbeingmyJunior year,Ionlyhavethisyear andthenexttoenjoyit beforeIhavetogetmarried Needlesstosay,I’mmakingthebestofit
WhenIpullovertothedancestudio,Iflipdownthevisorandlookinthemirror,pattingmytearsoffandcleaningmynose. Ididn’tevenwear makeuptoday,notthatIdoeveryday,butIdohave bags under myeyes,andIlookpale It’s nowonder Nikolaisaidsomething.It’shardnottonotice.
Ichangeclothesinthecar,strugglingtoputonmyblacktightsandleotard,butImanage.I’mnotinthemoodtogoinside andtalktoAnnieaboutourday,whichiswhatweusuallydobeforedancepractice We’vebothbeenattheAcademytogether sincewegottoSeaside,andhavingthistimewithherhasbeenfun.Justlikewhenwewerekids.We’vebeendancingtogether since we were three years old, and our mothers were also bestfriends AlthoughI’d saymymomwas more ofa parentto AnniethanIsabella.
Isabellaisawomanfocusedontheneedsofherhusband adutifulCosaNostrawife.Shedoesn’tquestionwhathedoes orsays,andit’saneasywaytogainhisaffection.Menlovethatshit,awifewhodoesn’taskquestionsanddoesasshe’stold. I’llbedamnedifI’moneofthose,evenifLeowillbeDonatsomepoint,andIshouldprobablygetmyshittogether.
TherearefiveimportantfamiliesintheCosaNostra atleasttheoneswhoruleChicago TheDeLucafamily whichis my family. Leonardo’s family, the Colombo’s. The Gambino family, which is Annie’s. The Marino’s and the Ricci’s. The DeLuca familyis the mostpowerful ofthese five Chicago families withthe mostinfluence and businesses That’s whymy fatherholdsaseatwithTheElite,orastheysometimescallit,TheTable.ThefamiliesofGiuliaandViviana myfriendsand roommates theRossiandBianchi,holdtheothertwoseatsfortheItalians.
I’mconvinced Leo is onlyengaged to me due to myfather’s influence and power, and Ihave yetto figure outwhatthe Colombos bringto the table inexchange. Butithas to be somethingimportant, because myfather doesn’tjustgive over his assetswithnothinginexchange AndIamanasset atleastmypussyis
WhenImakeittothestudio,Annieisdoingbarrewarm-ups.Iheadstraighttoherandgetbehindher,takingmyposition. Webothstretchforafewminutesbeforesheturnsaroundandnarrowshereyesatme
“Whyhaveyoubeencrying?”
“I ”Iconsiderlyingtoher.Butsheknowsmebetterthananyoneelseatthispoint,soIdon’tthinkIcouldpullitoff.So instead,Igowiththetruth “Nikolaisatnexttomeinclass saidhewants closure ” “Whatdoesthatevenmean?”Sheaskswitharaisedeyebrow.
“Idon’tknow Hesaidhewantstotalk”Ireply “SoIinvitedhimtomyparty” “Youdid what?” she exclaims, lookingaround and seeingmanyeyes onus. She lowers her voice, “Are yououtofyour mind?Leoisgoingtobethere Couldyouimagineifyougotcaught?”
“I’ddie.”Inod.“ButIneedtoknowwhathewants,Annie.Myheartstillhurts.”
“Hewas mean,Cam.”Shesighs,herbrowneyeshard.“Hewasn’tjustalittlehurtful,hewasanasshole.Istilllikehim, butheisanass”
“Iknow…”
“Areyousureyouwanttodothis?” “Yeah.”
“I’mhereforyou,babe”Shesqueezesmyarmandstretchesagainwhilefacingme “Andifyouneedmetokillhim,I’lldo it.”
Ilaughatthat, myeyes tearingup again. Iappreciate the gesture, butwe bothknow she’ll never be able to kill Nikolai Pavlov He probably has a lot of experience killing people by now, and she doesn’t stand a chance No, the only one he wouldn’thurtisme,thatmuchI’msureof,evenifhehatesme.Iwonderhowmanygirlshe’sbeenwithsinceweweretogether last Howmanyhashegiventhosethreelittlewordsto?Howmanyhashebeggedonhiskneesfor?Butsomethingtellsmethe numberhasn’tgrown.Heprobablylearnedhowtohavesomeprideafterthat.
“Webothknowthat’snevergoingtohappen,Annie.”Irollmyeyes,“Butit’sthethoughtthatcounts…” “Right?”Shechuckles,“Butnowit’stimetohavefun,Cam.Soforgetallabouthim,andlet’sracefouettés.” “Alright,”Itellherwithachuckle.
Eversincewewerelittlegirls,wewouldracefouettés.Itwasourfriendlycompetitiontoprovewhowasbetterthanthe other.Wewereusuallyanevenmatch,butnowI’mstartingtobeather,andit’sbecomealittlemorecompetitivethanitusedto be
Igetintothefourthposition,bendmykneesslightly,pushupintotheretiréposition,andthenturn.AndthenIdoitagain and again No one is counting for us, so this one is just for fun, no competition She stops first though, and then I do too, laughing.Shenarrowshereyesthenrollsthem.
“IguessIoweyoulunchforthisone”It’swhatweusuallydoforeachother Whoeverlosespaysforlunch “Fine,butyoupick.”Igrin.“Idon’tthinkIcanmakegooddecisionstoday.”
“You’renotwrong.”Shetuts.“Butmaybeit’snotsoterribletogivehimachancetoexplainhimself.”
“It’sjustgoingtobereallypainful”
AndIdon’tthinkI’mreadyformorepain.
14 Years Old
AnnieandIfinishonstage,endingtherecitalwithapirouette.Igrabherhandandhaulhertotheback,peeringintothe crowdtotrytospotmyfamilyandLeo,whoIguessislikefamilytoo.Atleastmyfuturehusbandandbestfriend.But it’shardtotellwhereanyoneiswiththebrightlightsshininginmyeyes Isquintanywayandattemptitonemoretime, tonoavail.Ohwell,itlookslikeI’mgoingtohavetowaituntiltheycomelookingforme.
Sureenough,assoonasIwalkbacktowardthechangingarea,Leoawaitsmewithabouquetofredroses Hisbrownhair shineswhenthelighthitsit,andhisdreamylightbrowneyestwinklewhenhesetsthemonme.Butterflieseruptinmystomach thecloserIwalktowardhim,andtheonlyreasonIrememberAnnieiswithmeisbecauseshe’sgrabbingontomyarmfordear life.
ThesmileIgivehimreachesall thewaytomyeyes;Icanfeel it,andwhenI’mcloseenoughtotouchhim,heyanksme fromAnnie’s grip and presses his soft, pillowylips to mine Everykiss withhimis anexperience Sometimes gentle and sweet,andothertimespassionateandmean,likehewantstoeatmealive.Tonight,he’sbehaving,andIgetthesweetestkiss fromhim Itmakesmefeelloved,cherished,ashealwaysdoes
“Cam,” He smiles againstmylips, and Ipushawayslightlyso myparents don’tkill us. Theyknow we’re together, but we’restillexpectedtoactacertainwayinpublicandinfrontofthem.NotthatAnniewouldsayanything.“Youwereperfect.”
“Thankyou,Leo.”Igrin,pullingawaywhenIseemyparentscomingfromtheedgeofmyvision.“Thesearebeautiful.” Igrabtheflowers,smellingthesweetaromaforgoodmeasure,andthengrabAnnie’shand.
“Youwere prettygreattoo, Annabella,” Leotells her, andIsmile athimfor beingnice to her whenIknow he’s nother biggestfan.Hesaysshe’sabadinfluenceonme,andsometimesI’dhavetoagree.Butshe’sessentiallythesisterI’venever had,soIdon’tcare
“Thereyouare!” Mamma says,bothherhandsbusywithbouquetsofwhitepeonies.Myfavorite.“Mygirls!” “Mamma!”Iexclaimwhenshegivesmemybouquet,bothmyhandsnowfull.“Thankyou.” “Youwereabsolutelybreathtaking,Camilla.”Shewhispers,kissingmycheek.“Iamsoproudofyou, bambina mia. ” “Thankyou, mamma.”Ilookatherdarkhair,loosedownherback,andhergreeneyesfulloftears,andsomethinginsideof mebreaks,too Myeyeswellupwithmyowntears,andunexpectedly,theybegintostreamdownmyface
Ilookpastmymothertoseehim,mydad,standingtothesidewithhiseyesfixedonhisphone.Hemustfeelmystareon him because he looks up Instead of acknowledging me he looks at me and rolls his eyes, then goes back to his phone Somethinginsideofmewithersanddies hope,Ithink.
Mamma movespastmetohugAnnie,whoseparentsaren’theretonightbecausetheydon’tlikeballet,leavingmetostand alone BeforeIcanthinkofgoingbacktoLeo,mylittle favorite brother,runsuptomeandthrowshisarmsaroundme
“Youweresogood,sissy!”Andreawrapsmeintohistighthug. MyheartburstsandIgrin,“Thankyou,Dre”
“Whowantstogeticecream?”Mymomasks,“WecangotoMandy’s!”Myfavoriteicecreamshop. Ismile,“I’dlovesomeicecream”Imurmurtoher,holdingmyarmsupwiththeflowerstotellherIdon’tknowwhatto dowiththem.“Let’sgo.”
“Hold on.” My momreplies with a smile, “Marcello will grab the flowers and take themto the car. We can walk to Mandy’sfromhere”
“Yay!”Anniedoesalittlejumpupanddown.“Whatareyougoingtogetfromthere,Cam?Maybewecanshare?”Sharing hasbeenourgo-toalways.AnnieandI andprobablyeveryoneelseinthisrecital arescaredtogaintoomuchweightand notbeabletogetroles
“Yeah,”Inodrapidly,“Wecanshare.”
LeocomestomysideasMarcellograbsthebouquetsfrommeandwrapsapossessivearmaroundmywaist “Youneedto gochange.”
“Change?Why?”
“Idon’twantanyoneelsetobelookingatyou,Camilla.”Herollshiseyes,andItense,“You’rebasicallyhalf-naked.”
Mydad grunts frombehind Leo, and Itense. Lookingdownatmybody, Ido a small perusal. I’mwearinga leotard and tights,yes,butthetutucoversmostofeverythinghedoesn’twantmetoshow
My mom huffs, “She’s fine, Leonardo. Everything is covered.” He tries to argue, but she holds her hand up, “We’re leaving”
After changingour shoes,AnnieandIlinkarmsandstrideafter mymother,andwhenshegetstomyfather heshakeshis head, disappointingme He never spends time withme;Ithinkit’s because I’mnotone ofhis precious sons They’re all he caresabout.
“I’llwaitinthecar, bella. ”
Mymomnodsslowlyandpatshisarm,acondescendinggesturemyfatherignores,butInotice ShedoesittomewhenI’m beingabratorwhensheplaindisagreeswithwhateverIsayorwant.
“Sure”IsallshesaysaswewalkawayfromhimandoutofthePerformingArtsCenter
Annie’s armis linked withmine onthe rightside, and Leo is holdingmyhand onthe left. It’s perfect, really, and this is whatmakesmehappiest.Spendingtimewithmyfavoritepeople.Well,theyareallmyfavoritepeople,ifI’mbeinghonest,but whenitcomestomostfavorites numberoneandtwo LeocomesoutatthetopandAnnieinsecondplace.NotthatI’dever admittoherthataboyistakingherspot.
Andreaandmymotherwalkaheadofus,leadingtheway They’relostinconversation,andIbaskinthemomentquietly, admiringthesceneryaroundus.DowntownChicagoisbeautifulatnight,withallitslightsandtallbuildings.
Finally,afterfiveminutes,wewalkuptoMandy’sandgetinlinetograbouricecreams AnnieandIoptforcoconutand Leoorderschocolate.Chocolateismyfavorite,butunfortunately,Annieisallergic.Sowecompromised.AndLeodoesn’tlike toshareanything notevenwithme.
Once momis done paying, we go outside and find a table. Itonlyhas four chairs, butwe grab one more fromanempty table.IsitnexttoAnnieandLeo,andAndreaand Mamma sitacrossfromus.
While Mamma andAndreatalkaboutthelatestvideogamehewants for Christmas,Ifocus oneatingmyicecream The coconutice creamalsohas shreddedcoconutchunks as well,andIclose myeyes andsavor it.WhenIopenthem,Annie is staringatmewithasmileonherface Shethentiltsherheadandnodsittowardanothertable
Myeyesfollowapathtoit,andaguyaroundouragesitstherewithhisfriends,speakinganotherlanguage.Itsoundsrough, raw.ButI’mmostlypayingattentiontothewayhelooks.Darkhair,slightlylongerontopandfadedonthesides.Itfallsover his forehead inanendearingwaythat makes me want to sweep it out of the way I lookat his full lips as theymove ina hypnotizingway,trappingmeunderaspell.
AnniesqueezesmyarminwhatIthinkisawarning,yetIcouldn’tlookawayifIwantedto There’ssomethingabouthim that’spullingmein,andwhenhelooksup,oureyesmeet.IfIthoughtIgotbutterfliesfromLeo,Iwasvery,verywrong.
Moltenmetaleyesmeetmyown,andmystomachswoopsasifI’monarollercoasterride Hissmirktipshislipsuponthe rightside,andIflushallover.TheheatI’mfeelingcausesmetoperspire,andtheworstthing?Hewon’tlookaway.
“Cam,”LeosaysinwarningagainstmyearasIsmileatthestrangerandlookawayfromhim.Awkward.“Quitmakingeyes attheenemy”
“Eyes?”
“Isawthewayyou’relookingathim,whichsucksbecauseI’msittingrightnexttoyou”Hehuffs,“Doyounotrespectyour futurehusband?”
“Ido!”Irushout,notmeaningtohurthim,eventhoughIcanstillfeelthestranger’seyesonme “I’msorry,thelanguage soundedstrange.”
“They’reBratva.”
Sweatrushesdownmyspine Bratva.
Ourenemies
Suddenly,theheatinmybodyturnsintoanuncomfortablecoldthatIcan’tshake.“Sorry.”
ButevenasIapologize,Ilookbackathim,wonderinghisname.Unfortunately,helooksbackatme,too.Withasmileso bright, my heart threatens to stop. His stare doesn’t waver, and I can’t tear my eyes away from him. He’s positively mesmerizing.
Withasmallsmileandgoosebumpsallovermybody,Iforcemyselftolookaway.Andjustlikethat,IcarryonwithAnnie andLeo,ignoringthebeautifulboywhowillabsolutelyhauntmydreamsfromnowon.
WhenIwasyounger,andIwasenforcing,killingwasarequirement MyfatherwouldgivemethejobsandIwouldbe thejudgeandexecutioner literally.NowI’mjusttheexecutioner,aspunishmentforacrimeIdidn’tmeantocommit. Killingusedtobeajob,nowit’sachore,anditgetsmoreannoyingbytheday.SohereIam,onmyforty-eighthkillin the lastsixmonths,withonlytwolefttofulfill mydebttothe Elite AndI’mpissedoffthatIhave todoit,soit’s probably goingtobequickanyway.ThistimeIwon’thavehelpforcleaningupthough,soinstead,itwillbemyresponsibilitytofigure itout
ThemainproblemisthatmycrimewasagainstoneofthesonsoftheElite,andwhiletheycouldnotkillmebecausewe were on the neutral grounds of Atlantic University, I also couldn’t go unpunished I tried explaining what happened, but LeonardoColomboisafuckingsnake,andhewouldn’tadmittothetruthinthefirstplace.BecauseIwasatfaultforshooting, nooneconsideredwhatIsaid.This onlyintensifiedmyhatefor Leonardo.After all,this isn’ttheonlythinghe’s takenfrom me ButnowI’mbeingforcedtokillfiftypeoplethankstohim,asifhistakingtheloveofmylifewasn’tenough
The Elite are notforgivingmen, and eventhoughIdidn’tmeanto kill Andrea DeLuca, Icanunderstand whyI’mbeing punishedforit IftheroleswerereversedIwouldnotforgiveiteither,nomatterhowinnocentthepersonwhokilledmyson claimstobe.SoIguessIshouldbecountingmyluckystarsthatmycrimewascommittedonneutralgrounds,andthiswaythey cannotkillme NotonlydidIshoothimonneutralgrounds,buthemadehiswaytohishomeontheedgeofcampusanddiedon thefuckingfrontporch.
Idon’tevenwanttothinkaboutthatrightnow or her.
Forthisjob,I’mmeetingwithamanatawarehouseundertheguiseofpurchasingweapons,butwhathedoesn’tknow is thatIdon’tneedthem.Ineedhiminstead.Speakofthedevil,he’swaitingformeinthebackofthebuildingwithagarageopen likeagoodboy It’stoobadthatit’sall abouttoendfor him,heactuallylookslikehecouldbeagoodsoldier Itmakesme wonderwhathedidtodeservethis,butI’mnotinapositiontoaskquestions.SoIwon’t.IneedtogetthisjobdonesoIcanbe done withthe Elite. They’re not the type of menyouwant to owe a debt to, and I know if I don’t keep up myend of the punishment,Iwilldie.
“Adrian.”Isaypolitely,“Yougoteverything?”
“Yes”Henods,shakingmyhand “Perfect.”
Iwaituntilheturnsaroundtoshowmetheweapons,andshoothiminthebackthreetimes It’scheap,inmyopinion,butI don’tfeellikegettingintoagunfighttonight.Justnotinthemoodforbullshit.
“God,I’msosickofdoingthis,”Imutter,grabbingtheguyfromtheflooranddragginghimallthewaytothebackseatof theborrowedcar.ThankfullyIdidn’thavetouseminebecauseIdon’thavebackseats,soIwasprovidedone.Howgenerous.
Ishutthecardoorandgetinthedriver’sside,closingitquicklyanddrivingoffatthespeedlimit.Idon’twanttoattract anyattentiontomyself,especiallysinceIhavequitethedrivetothestatelinetoburyhim ThefartherheisfromSeaside,the better.Idon’twantanytiestohim.Notthatitmatters;Elitebusinessisuntouchable,sothatmeansIam,too.
Anhour later,I’mpullinguptoadeserteddirtroadinthemiddleofaforestandparkclosetothewoodline Igrabthe shovel and walk through the trees, finding the perfect spot and dropping the shovel next to it. Then I go back for Adrian, carryinghimovermyshoulderandmakingtheshorttriptotheareaIpicked.Thisisgoingtotakeawhile.
Ibegintoshovel,thedirtpliablefromtheFloridaheat,andsoonenoughIhavehalfaholedugout AsIwipemyforehead withthebackofmyhand,Inotethatthereneedstobeatleastthreemorefeetofdepth.
Iswearthisisgettingold,butIcanfinallyseethelightattheendofthetunnel WhenI’mdonewiththis,Iwilltakeover
Chicagoonebusinessatatime.Idon’tdaredefymyfatheryet,butIwillnotbesucceedinghim.Iwanttobemyownman,on myownterms,andstartanewfamilyline.Onethatdoesn’tinvolvehim,notafterwhathedidtomymother.I’vealreadybegun to,technically IpurchasedTheZebraClublastweek,andit’sbeinghandledbythesoldierswhoaren’tloyaltomyfatherbut areloyaltomenow.I’mnotundertheimpressionthattheywon’tbetrayme,either.Clearly,theirloyaltiesareeasilyswayed. Fornowthough,Idon’tcare IwilltakewhatIcanget,andsinceIhaveasecondincommand,Ithinkeverythingwillbeokay forawhileatleast.
Still,I’monthelookoutformorebusinessesthatIcanbuywiththemoneymyclubmakes OnceIachievethat,Ijusthave tomakesuretostayundertheradaruntilI’mreadytoannounceittomyfather.WhenIhaveenoughbusinesses,I’llbebuying himoutofChicago.Hewon’thaveenoughtobemorepowerfulthanme,whichbringsmeimmensejoy.I’llbedamnedifI’m undermyfather’sthumb,theElite’stoo,fortherestofmylife No,IwantaseatattheElitetableonmyownterms,notjust becauseI’mOlegPavlov’sson.AndI’mgoingtogetit.
Idigthe restofthe hole, thenroll the maninto itunceremoniously Idon’tevencare aboutanythingatthis point Ifeel nothingafterakillanymore.TherewasatimeaboutthirtykillsagowhenIfeltsicktomystomachabouthowmanymurdersI waspilingup,butnowIseeitasanecessaryevil OnceI’vepaidmydebt,maybeIcangetbacktheonlythingthatmattersto me. Camilla.
Itakeoffmyshirtandthrowitintheholealongwithhim,nothavingbroughtabaglikethedumbassIam,thengogetthe tarp fromthe car Iwrap itup too and throw itontop, thencover himwithdirtuntil it’s level withthe ground, onlya tiny moundontop.
It’s notevennighttime rightnow I’ve become more brave bythe kill, notcaringatall aboutthe time ofday Iusually operateatnightbecauseofmyschoolschedule,butItookadayofftoday.Unfortunatelyforme,thatmeansthatIdon’tgetto seeCamillaevenfromafar.Althoughwe’vebeenestrangedforyears,Ihaven’tbeenabletogetheroutofmyhead.Imagine mysurprisewhenIstumbleduponherinclass.It’sbeenhellseeingherthreetimesaweekformonthsonendwithouttalkingto her.
AlthoughIknowitwasn’tmybestmoment,IdidmeanwhatIsaidtohertheotherday Shelookedlikeabsoluteshit Her eyes had deep, purple bags under them. And she was thinner than I’ve ever seen her. I know it’s all my fault, and that’s probablywhyitmakesmefeelguiltier Shedoesn’tdeservethispain
That’swhyIswitchvehicles,changemyclothes,anddriveallthewaytotherestaurantshefrequentswithAnnie.I’mnot evendiscreetaboutit,gettingatablerightbehindthem,andwatchingthem.
Thebrunettewaitresscomestomytable,awidesmileonherface.“WelcometoGiovanni’s,mynameisRose.CanIget youstartedwithsomethingtodrink?”
“Justwater,please”Shenods,“AndI’mactuallyreadytoordermyfoodaswell”
Aboutthirtyminuteslater,Camillahasasalmonsaladinfrontofher,whileAnniehaschicken,rice,andasparagus.Me,on the other hand? I have a juicysteakwithmashed potatoes and a Caesar salad Youcantell they’re dancers bytheir eating habits, always so cleanto stayinthe shape theyneed to. Except inmyopinion, it’s okayto indulge occasionally. But she doesn’tknowhowtodothat.Shewasneverthetypetoindulgeinanythingexceptformaybeus.
Annieistalkingexcitedlyaboutsomething,usingherhandsalot,andCamillapretendstolisten IonlyknowthisbecauseI know whatshe looks like whenshe actuallydoes listen. They’re talkingabouta recital SwanLake. Interesting. I always thoughtballetwouldbe a phase for Camilla,evenwhenshe assuredme itwas her favorite thingtodo After all,mostgirls growoutofthatbythetimethey’reeighteen.
Anniestiffenswhensheseesme,andherhandsdrop We’vehadafewclassesovertheyears,andwe’reactuallyfriendly witheachother.ButIguessI’mnotforgivenforbreakingMilla’sheart,eventhoughshebrokeminefirst.It’squiteunfairinmy opinion,andshedeservedwhatIsaid. She betrayed me too
Ofcourse,duetoAnnie’soutburstCamillaturnsaround,andwhenoureyesmeet,hersharden IknowIdeservethat,butit doesn’thurtanyless.HowIcanstillhurtfromsomethingthathappenedwhenIwaseighteen,isbeyondme.ButhereIam,still brokenupoveragirlwhowouldn’tfightforus Exceptshe’snotagirlanymore,she’sawomannow
Herdarkbrown,almostblackhairisflowingallthewaydowntoherlowerback,herdressdisplayingitbetweenpeeksof herdarkstrands Camilla’slipsaresetinahardlineasshestaresatme,buthereyes?Theylookliketheycouldcatchonfire atanymoment.Theorangeflecksinthemareglowingevenfromafewfeetaway,andthat’showIknowshe’spissed.Theonly othertimetheydidthiswasthefirsttimewegotintoafight.
“Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?”Camillahisses,twistingherlittlebodyaroundonthechair Igesturetomyfoodwithmyhand,“Eating.”Ireplynonchalantly,likeI’mnotstalkingheratall.
“HowdidyouknowIwashere?”
“Iknoweverythingaboutyou,”Ismirk,andsherollshereyes.Shetriestoobject,butIraisemyhand.“Ialways have.” “Ofcourse,you’dthinkso.”Shesmiles,andAnnie’seyeswiden.
Thatbothersme,becauseIdon’tknoweverythinganymoreandsheknowsI’mtalkingshit.ButIknowthethingsthatmatter. “Whyareyou ”
“Pissedatyou?”Camillaraisesoneeyebrow.“Haveyouforgottenwhatyousaidtomelast?” “Comesitwithme.”
“Absolutelynot”
“Wedon’thavetowaituntilSaturdaytotalk.”Isigh,andshegetsupfromherchairwithahuffandsitsacrossfromme. “Thankyou”
“Sotalk.”
IlookatAnnie,whoisstillattheothertable,lookingdownatherfoodlikethey’reabouttohaveaconversation,thenback atCamilla.“I’msorry,”Itellherwithhonesty.“IwashurtwhenyouhadsexwithLeo ithurtme.Youdid.”
Sheseemstothinkaboutthisforamoment.“Andyoudon’tthinkithurtme?”Tearsfillhereyes.“DidyouthinkIwanted it?”
“Idon’tknow,Camilla,”IsayhernamelikeIusedto,withreverence.“ButwhenIsaw yougointhatroomwithhim I justknewI’dwalkoutofthathousewithabrokenheart Anditdidbreak, again ” “I’msorrytoo.”
“Iknowwecan’tstartoverorevenbefriends,butIneededtoapologize,”Itellherandshenods “Ishould’veneversaid thattoyou.”
You’re disgusting.
I never want to see you again
Thewords haveplayedover andover inmyheadfor years,mostlybecausethey’retheonlyregretI’veever had other thanlettingherwalkaway
“Iacceptyourapology.”Shereplies,grabbingmyhand.
But she doesn’t actually forgive me
Myskinfeelslikeit’sonfirefromasingletouch,andIstayverystill.Idon’tdareevenbreatheforfearthatshewilltake herhandawayfrommine.ButeventuallyshedoesandgoesbacktohertablewithAnnie. Leavingmebehind
Again.
14 Years Old
Idescendthe stairs tothe basementslowly,quietly.Istopatthe bottomsteptowatchthe menatthe table chatter amongst themselves.They’re playingpoker.Well,it’s more like teachingthe boys toplay.Leonardosits closesttohis father,and Alessandro and Andrea mybrothers sit closer to mine They’re explainingthe rules of the game, whichsounds like gibberish,butit’snot,andIsitonthestepstotrytogetthegistofwhat’shappening.
NoonepaysattentiontomeasIsithere,andIjustwatchastheysitaroundthetableandexchangejokes,cards,andchips Eventheboysseemlikethey’rehavingfun,flourishingundertheattentionofthemen.It’slikewatchingaplantslowlygrow, thewaytheseboysthinkthemenarethesun Butthey’renot theymayactnicetothem,butthey’reallsnakes I’veseenitwith myowneyes.They’re influential people whoare never satisfiedwithanythingtheyhave.Theyalways wantmore andmore andmore.
Myfathersmilesattheboys,andit’sunnerving Myfatherrarelysmiles;whenhedoes,there’salwaysameaningbehindit Itusuallytellsyouheplansondoingsomethingevil,likeruiningalife.Iimaginejusthowmanypeoplehehassmiledatright beforehedidthat,andIshiver Exceptthisoneseemsgenuine,andthat’sscarierthanthedeathsmile
Themeninthisroomareall-powerful,withtheirsuitsandcufflinks,perfectlycoiffedhair,andanairofgrandiosity.They don’ttakecrapfromanyone,andeveryoneisscaredofthem.Ontheotherhand,they’rescaredofnothing,carefornothing.As myfatheralwayssays,caringisweakness,andhe’snotweak.It’snowonderhedoesn’tbotherwithme,yethissonsarehis legacy, so he has to teachthemhis ways. Maybe ifIstop beinga pushover, he will see me as anequal to Alessandro and Andrea
Iusedtoidolizemyfather,makinghimouttobethisinvinciblemanwhowouldalwaystakecareofme.However,thatwas neverthecase;now,he’sthebigbadvillaininallofmystories rightfullyso Myfathercouldn’tcarelessifIdied,andnowI thinkI’mbeginningtofeelthesameabouthim.
It’sAndrea’sturntoplay,andeveryonelooksathimexpectantly.Forbeingonlytwelve,hefitsrightinwiththem.Except he’s beingforced to, whichbreaks myheart. He has always told me he doesn’twantto be like Papà or Alessandro, thathe wantstoliveapeacefullifewherehedoesn’thavetoworryabouttheBratvaorotherMafiafamilies.
Iagree
Why are we always fighting? Why can’t we all just live in peace? It’s starting to get so bad, this rivalry, that it even determineswhowe’refriendswithatschool
Mynosetinglesandmyeyeswater,soIpressonthebridgeofmynosetotrytokeepmyallergiesundercontrol.That’sone ofthereasonsIdon’tcomedownhere,andasifmybodyismockingme,Isneeze.
Everyone and Ido meaneverysingle person inthe basement turns to lookatme Leo narrows his eyes, Alessandro staysneutral,andAndrea’seyesalmostbugoutofhishead.Iimaginethat’swhatIlooklikerightnowaswell.
Iclearmythroatandpushuptostand,andmyfatherholdsuphishandbeforeIcanturnaroundandmakearunforit This isn’tgood,andIknowit.Myfatherisn’tthetypeofmantogivemehisattentionsofreely,tostopwhathe’sdoingjusttogive methetimeofday
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Camilla?”MyfatherasksmeinavoicethatIcanonlyimagineascondescending,likeI’mabug atthebottomofhisshoehejuststeppedonandkilled.LikeI’mnotworthhistime.Hesoundsannoyed.
“I uh”Iclearmythroatagain “I’dliketolearntoplaypokertoo”
Myfathersighsandshakeshishead,andtherestofthemensmirkandsnickerundertheirbreathsasiftoimplyit’snotmy place.Ihaveafeelingmyfatherwillsaythesame,butIcan’tjustlieafterI’mcaughtthisway.MaybePapàwillfeelbadfor meandmakespaceatthetable Doubtful,though
MatteoDeLucaisnotaweakman,andhesquareshisshouldersandliftshischinashelevelsmewithdarkeyes.Iwantto foldinonmyself,toforgetabouthisdeathstarerightnow ThisishowIimaginehelooksatpeoplebeforeslittingtheirthroats, andmyfirstinstinctistocringe.Instead,Imimichim,liftingmychinandsquaringmyshouldersjustlikehim.Yearsofballet makethatcomenaturallyanyway,andwithbarelyacommand,mybackgoesramrodstraight Hetsks,“Youknowthebasementisforthemen andsoispoker.”Inamomentofweakness,myeyespleadwithhim.“Am Iright,boys?”
Themenalllaugh,andsodoeshe Ashiverrunsdownmyspinewhenhelevelsmewithhiseyesagain,andthistime,Ido cower.Itakeastepbackandgetbackonthestairs.“Papà,please.”
“It’snotyourplacetobewiththemen”Myfathergesturestothebackofthebasement,wherethere’sacouchwiththree womenonit,somethingIhadn’tevennoticedbeforehepointeditout.“Onlythewhoresarewithus.No,yourplaceisupstairs, whereyouwilllearntobeawifetoLeonardo”
MyeyeslockontoLeo’s,andalthoughhe’sdonenothingwrong,hisfaceturnswhiteasasheetofpaper.Inarrowmyeyes athimandhenodsonce.“IwanttospendtimewithLeo,”Ireply,likeIdidn’tjusthearabouthiswhores.“I’mbored.”
Leoshakeshisheadfranticallyatme,andIpout,takingthatashisanswertowantingtospendtimewithme “Camilla.”Myfathersighs,pinchingthebridgeofhisnose,“Getthe fuck upstairs. Now. ” Ishakemyhead “Idon’twantto!”
Hetakesstepsforwarduntilhe’sstandingatmyside,andmyeyesfillwithtearsandasobcatchesinmythroatasheyanks mebythearmanddragsmeupthestairs.“You’rebeingafuckingbrat,Camilla.Don’tmakemepunishyou.”
Myfatherdropsmebythekitchenislandbeforestormingbackdowntothebasement,andallIcanthinkofisseekingmy motherandthecomfortherembracebringsme.Onceheclosesthebasementdoor,Iletmyselfbreak,sobbinguncontrollablyon thekitchenfloor
“Cam?”Mymomasks,“Whereareyou?”
“Here”Icroakout “Onthefloor”
Mymothercomesaroundtheislandtofindmesittingagainstit,andshekneelsatmyfeet.“Whathappened?”Hervoiceis soft,gentle,everythingmyfathercouldneverbeforme.
“Papàkickedmeoutofthebasement.”
Understandingshinesinhereyes.Idon’tevenneedtofinishthestorybecauseshesitsonthegroundnexttomeandpulls metowardherlap Herlongfingersgettangledinmyhair,andshebrushesthestrandsout
“Ourplaceisnotdowntherewiththem,Camilla.”ShesayssosoftlyIalmostdon’thearher.“Wearetheoneswhocarefor thehomeandhaveeverythingtheyneedinplace Wetakecareofthemwhentheycomeupstairs Butwhenthey’redownthere? Wedon’tfollow.Notunlessyouwanttoseethingsthatwillbreakyoubeyondrepair.”
“Whatcouldpossiblybreakme?They’rejustplayingpoker.”
Mymom’sfingerspauseinmyhair,“That’snotallthey’redoing,sweetheart Oneday,youwillunderstand,andwhenthe daycomes,youwillknowtoneverstepfootinabasementagain.”
Ilistenintently,wantingtolearnmoreaboutthislifeI’msupposedtolead Exceptnoneofitmakesmehappyanymore The closerIgettomyweddingdatewithLeo,thelessIwanttodoit.Andnowthis?WhatifIdon’twanttomarryhimanymore?
WhatifIfalloutoflove?
It’stwodaysbeforemyparty,andmymotherhasarrangedforallthepreparations IwasthinkingIwantedmoreofahouse partyvibe low-key butIshould’veknowntheywouldn’tletmehavethat.Althoughtheydon’tlivehereandonlyvisit occasionally, theystill have to manage mylife one wayor another. So mymother is takingthe planningto extremes as always It’snotsurprisingintheleast,justabitirritating
There’sflowersandcocktailtables.Horsd’oeuvresplanned.Andnowshewantstomakeittowherepeoplehavetowear semi-formal attire too At least they’ve decided not to stay for the party and let me have my twenty-first birthday to act howeverIwant.Ifeelliketherehastobeanulteriormotive,butmaybeI’mjustbeingsuspicious.Idon’tknowthough,itjust doesn’tfeellikesomethingmyfatherwouldletmedo
Whatismoresuspiciousthough,isthisdinnerrightnow.Theyhaven’tarrangedforustohavedinnertogethersinceAndrea diedsixmonthsago,andIdon’twanttobehere.It’sobviouslymandatory,though.Everythingiswheremyfatherisinvolved.
EvenmybrotherAlessandrodoesn’twanttobehererightnow,asevidencedbythefactthatwehaven’tspokensinceDre died.Beingafewyearsolderthanme,he’salwaysbeendistant.We’veneverhadarelationship.He’salwaysavoidedmelike theplague,andnowthatthere’snobufferbetweenus,hedoesn’teventrytohidethefactthathewantsnothingtodowithme He’sonlyherebecausehehastobe becausehe’sforcedtobe.
Myparentshaveofferedhimthishousetimeandtimeagain,oratleastaroominit,andhehasalwaysturnedthemdown Currently, he lives off-campus, in his own apartment somewhere. I couldn’t figure out if I tried because I didn’t have the privilegetohavethatknowledge.TheonlythingIknowabouthimnowisthathe’sapostgraduatestudentpursuinghisMasters inBusiness Administration And the factthatmyunderstandingofhimis so limited hurts, butnotmore thanthe factthathe literallywon’tinteractwithmeunlessforcedto.DoeshesomehowblamemeforAndrea’sdeath?
Alessandro accidentallybumps his soup bowl withthe spoonand looks around atus It’s beenthe onlysound since we startedeating,andbothmyparentslookupfromtheirfood.
Thisisawkward.
Weshouldn’tbedoingit.
“Andreashouldbehere.”Ifinallyburstout,becausesomeoneneededtosayit.“Heshouldbehere.Thisissounfair.”My eyeswaterandtearsspilldownmycheeks,makingmychesttightwithemotion Mythroatclosesupasasobmakesitswayup, andmyfatherslamshisfistdownonthetable,makingallthechinarattle.
“Stop,Camilla”Hesays
“It’s nota familydinner withouthim!” Ilookatmybrother briefly, and he keeps his eyes downas Isayall ofthis, not wantingtomakeeyecontactwithourfather.
“Shutthefuckup.”MatteoDeLucagrowlsbecause,atthismoment,he’snotmydad.He’ssomeoneelseinafamiliarbody. He hates talkingabout Andrea, but someone has to. Mamma starts crying now too, her body rocking with her sobs. “Stop crying,Camilla”HetellsmeasIsniffle “Moveon I have,whycan’tyou?”
“Becausehewasmybabybrother!”Iscreamathim.
Irecoilwhenhecomesaroundthetableandstandsinfrontofme,rearinghishandbackandslappingmyface Ishould’ve seenitcoming,should’veknownhe’dlosehiscool.ButIdon’tevencarerightnowbecauseI’mgoingtokeepDre’smemory aliveifit’sthelastthingIdo.
Myheadsnaps tothe side,towards Alessandro,andhe cringes Mylipstings,andwhenItouchit,myhandcomes back withasmallamountofblood.Mymotherstopscryingimmediatelyand,instead,narrowshereyesatmyfather.Thenshecomes tostandbymyside
“Back.Off.”SheraisesherchindefiantlylikeIalwaysdo,“Don’tyoudarehitheragainforsayingmyson’sname.” Beforemyfathercanreply,Ipushmychairbackandrunoutofthediningroom.I’mrunningupthegrandstaircase,downa hallway,andfinallytomyroom Ilockthedoorbehindme,notwantingtobebothered I’mwaitinguntiltheyallleavesoIcan alsoleavethehouse,soIgetmyphoneouttotextmybestfriend.
Whatarewedoingtonight?
ANNIE Let’sgodancing.
Where?
ANNIE Bar?Club?
I’min
Igetdressedinrecord time, wearinga little blackdress withstilettos Mymakeup is done a glamlook I’mrockinga smokyeye withwinged eyeliner and red lipstick. I usuallydon’t wear muchmakeup unless there’s a special occasion, but tonight, Ineed to feel something. I’ll probablygetdrunkatthe club withAnnabella, and ifI’mbeingtruthful, I’ll more than likelyhavemorethanalcohol Maybe
Withinthehour,thehouseiseerilyquiet.IknowAnnieishomegettingreadytoo,butshemusthaveheardthecommotion becauseshehasn’tcomeoutofher room Theother girls areclearlynothereyet,though I’mnotsureifwe’reall goingout togetherorifit’satwo-personordeal,butIdon’tactuallycare.
Iopenthe door quietly, butitstill creaks Well,that’s annoying Thankfully,the house is so quietI’msure everyone left Annie’sdoorisopen,andshestandsinfrontofhermirror,touchingupherhair.Itlooksbeautiful,butsheisobsessedwithit, sosheprobablywillrepeatthisthreetofourtimesbeforewegettotheclub.
“Itlooksfine,Annie”Isigh,andsherollshereyes “Howmuchlongerdoyouneed?” “Twomoreminutes?”
Isitonhermade-upbed,“Alright”Annieappliesapurplelipstickthatgoeswellwithherpalecomplexion,andsmacks herlipstogether.“Whenareyougettinglaidagain?Tonight?”
Anniejustbrokeupwithherboyfriendofsevenyears,Josh,aboutfourmonthsago,andshe’sbeensulkingforatleastthree ofthosefourmonths.Ithinkshe’sfinallyturningacorner,andI’dgoasfarassayingtonightwouldbethebestopportunityto getbackoutthere.EvenifIhavetoUberhomeonmyown.
JoshandAnniehadbeentogether sincemiddleschool,buthewasnever attentive Hewasdistant,alwayswantingtodo thingswithhisfriendsinsteadofher,andhewasalwaysmeantoher.Eventhesexwassubpar,accordingtoher,whichIguess makessenseifhedidn’tknowwhathewasdoing Idon’tknowhowtheylastedsolong,butI’mgladthey’redone Finally It waspainfulhowthisdraggedout.
“I’mnotready,”shereplies.
“Youhadshittysexforalongtime,”Itellherwithasmirk.“Gofindsomegoodsex,girl.” “Maybesoon.”
Anniefinishesfixingherhairandlookingoverhermakeup,andthengrabsalittlepurseoffherbedrightnexttome She turnsoffthelightonherwayoutoftheroom,andIfollowafterher,allbutsprintingdownthestairsjustincasemyparentsare stillhere AsIpassthediningroomthough,Inoticeeverythingiscleanedupandthehouseisempty Thankfully.
Aroundfifteenminuteslaterwe’restandingoutsideofaclubcalledWinx,oneofthenicestclubsinthearea.Weusually don’tcomehere;it’sforthestuck-uprichpeople.Themafiakids,likeus.Exceptwedon’tusuallysocializewiththem.Thisis aspotwherepeopleforgettheiralliancesandrivalries,andjustacttheirageandenjoythemselves.Theycanbewhoeverthey wantforthenight,uncaringofaffiliations
Bythetimewe’veclearedtheline,thereareaboutfiftypeoplebehindus.Holycrap.There’salotofpeopleinthisclub. We step in, followinga line to the VIPsectionand sittingonthe lounge chairs The music is loud, the bass thumping, and I closemyeyestogetlostinit.AdaintyhandtouchesmyforearmandIopenmyeyes. AnniegetsclosertomesoIcanhearher,“Doyouwanttodance?”
“Ido!”Ireplyexcitedly,“Butfirst,let’sgetadrink” Orfour.
Wegotothebar,whichispacked,buttheguysmakeroomforuswhentheyseeus,eyeingusappreciatively Theirgazes
roamdownourbodies,ourlegsespecially.I’musedtopeopletellingmemylegsarenicesinceI’madancer,butit'saneven biggercomplimentwhenguyslookatthemthatway.NotthatIcare;they’renotgettinglucky.ButmaybeAnniewillgiveoneof themachance,soIcan’tshutthemdownyet
IorderthreeshotsofJameson thebartenderwinksatmeanddoesn’tevencardme andAnnie’seyesaboutbulgeoutof herhead,thensheordersoneshotoftequila Ineedthealcoholmorethanshedoes,andIknowshecantellbecauseshe’snow actinglikenothingisoutoftheordinary,likeIdothiseverytimewecomeout.Idon’t.ButI’monedgeafterthatdinner,and morethanthat,I’monedgeaboutNikolaicomingtomypartyonSaturday NotthatIexpecthimto,butthepossibilityisthere, andit’smakingmenervous.
What was I thinking, invitinghim? AmI a masochist? The painI felt all those years ago is comingbackinfull force, preventingmefromsleepingandbeingafullyfunctional person It’sasifI’velosthimall over again,asifI’msufferingthe painIinflicteduponusanew.FuckingLeonardo.
I should’ve never talked to Nikolai at lunch the other day It made the pain even more fresh He looked so genuinely regretful forthethingshesaidthelasttimewespoke,thatnow Idon’tevencareaboutwhathesaid.Iwashunguponitfor years,asifIdidn’tfuckhimover first Maybehehadtherighttofeel thewayhedid WhoamIkidding?Iknow hehadthe rightto.
After downingall the shots ofJameson, there’s a burningsensationsettlinginmythroat, downmyesophagus, and inmy belly JustwhatI’vebeenneeding SoIgrabAnnie’shandandleadhertothedancefloor UndertheInfluencebyChrisBrown isplaying,andwebothbegintodanceimmediately,swayingourhipstothemusicseductively.Ifeeleyesonus,exceptmaybe it’sallinmyimagination Thisplaceispacked
There’sapersonbehindme,gettingcloser,notgrindingonmebutdefinitelyuncomfortablyagainstme.Annie’sfaceturns ashenasshelooksbehindme,andItense.WhenIlook,Ilyaistheoneswayingtothemusictoo,plasteredtomyback.Whyis hehere?Andwhydidthataffectmybestfriendsomuch?
Ilyagrabsmyfaceroughlyandsqueezesmycheekstogether,“Whohityou,darling?DoIhavetogobeatsomeone’sass?” “Whydoyoucare,Ilya?”Irollmyeyesandhereleasesme “Youhaven’ttalkedtomeinyears Where’syourfriend?” Annie gets closer to us, standingnextto Ilya to be able to hear our conversation. She’s notevenbeingdiscreetaboutit; she’snotthekindofpersonthatpretends “Nik ” “No.”Ismile.“Dmitri.”
“Oh,he’shere.”Hegrins,wagginghiseyebrows,andAnnie’sfaceheats.Interesting.“WithNik.” “Don’tcallhimthat,”Ireplythroughgrittedteeth.That’smynicknameforhim. “Hitanerve?”Hegrins,thensuckshislippiercingintohismouth.
There used to be a time when Ilya, Dmitri, Nik, and I hung out It was fun while it lasted, but just as everything forbidden…soitcametoanend.Webecamecloseforawhile,though.ItwassomethingevenAnniedidnotknowabout.Ilya andDmitri IonlyevertoldheraboutNik Ismile.“Never.”
“So,whodidit?BecauseifNikolaiseesyoulikethis,hewillbemurderous.”
“Idon’tseewhy”Welookateachotherforamoment WebothknowNikolaidoesn’towemeanything Heshouldn’teven carewhathappenstomeanymore.What’sdoneisdone,andIcannevertakeitback.Notthis,anyway.“We’redone.”
“Youknowhim”Ilyaleadsmeoffthedancefloorandtotheloungeareawhereweweresittingearlier “Muchbetter”He says.Icanhearhimbetternow thatwedon’thavetoraiseourvoicesasmuch.It’sasecludedarea.“He’snevergoingtobe donewithyou”
“Heseemedprettydoneforyearsnow.”Andhedid.“Heneveronceattemptedcontactagain.”
“Heknewwhatwasatstake ”
“Whatis still atstake”
“Hedoesn’tcareanymore.”
“I do”
Ilyahuffs,puffinghischestmomentarilybeforetakinganother deepbreathandlookingatme.“Whatever,Camilla.Ifyou don’twanthimanymore,that’suptoyou Buthewillneverstop”
“Idon’tcare.”Iliethroughmyteeth.“It’snevergoingtohappenagain.”
Ilookaroundtheclub,thenstopinmytracks atthesightofNikolai.Broadback,bigshoulders,trimwaist.As ifhecan sense me, he turns around and makes eye contact Heatcourses throughmybody, and justas Imeanto lookaway, he starts walkingtowardmewithpurpose.
SoIstandup
AndIrunaway.
15 Years Old
“Isaidno,Alessandro!”Agirlthatcan’tbemuchyoungerthanmescreams.Herwaist-lengthdarkhairisblownsideways bythewind,andhershortdressripplestoo.Thebluescrapoffabricislaughable,andthelittledaisiesscatteredaround thedressarecute Ismile.
“Cazzo!” Shehuffs,andmyskinprickles
I’mall alonetonight,andthethoughtofgettingcaughtupwithItaliansbymyselfandgettingfuckedupdrivesmetowalk awayasfastaspossible IknowAlessandroDeLuca He’safewyearsolderthanme,andruthless Soishisfather Definitely notwhatIneedtonightinthemiddleofthenightwhennoonewill know wheretofindme.Theywon’tevenknow whereto startlookingforme.
She turns around andmakes eye contactwithme, andmystomachdrops She’s the girl froma few months ago the one smilingatmefromthetableatMandy’s.Hergreeneyesnarrowforamomentwhentheymeetmine,andthenshelaughs,butit’s notatanythingIsaid it’satherbrother
Beforeshecansayanythingordosomethingstupidlikeblowmycover,Iturnaroundandwalkaway,hurryingtowardmy safesanctuary:theplaygroundatGarryPark.
IclimbupuntilI’matthetopoftheplaygroundandgetinthelongestslide,butinsteadofgoing,Ijustputmyfeetagainst thewallstopreventmyselffromslidingtothebottom.EspeciallynowthatIhearthecrunchingofmulchunderapairofshoes. Iholdmybreathandwait I’monlyfifteen,andiftheItalianscomeherearmedandready,I’llbedeadinlesstimethanittakes totakeinabreath.
“Iknowyou’reinthere!”Asoftvoicecallsout,tauntingme “Comeout,comeout,whereveryouare!” Ismileatnoone,amusedbyher.Icouldeithergodownthisslideandfaceher,orstayuphereandnotmakemyselfknown. Whatifshe’swithherbrother?
“Don’tbeapussy.”Shescoffs,“I’mallalone.Justasmallgirl.”
Ichuckleandletgo,lettingmyselfslidedownfast.WhenIgettothebottom,Islamagainstasmall,softbody. “Stronzo!” Sheyellsasshefallstothegroundonherass,andIlaughharderather I tower over her, smirking as she looks up at me. “Has anyone ever told you that you have a potty mouth?” She says somethingunintelligibleunderherbreath,notevenbotheringtoanswerme Morelikecussingmeout,Iassume “Youalsohave beautifuleyes.Anyonetoldyouthat?”Idon’tevenknowwhyIsaidthatjustnow,butIcan’ttakeitbackanymore.
Thosebighazeleyesnarrowatme.“Areyougoingtohelpmeupornot?”
“Itdepends”Ishrug “Areyougoingtogetoffmyplaygroundafter?”
“Your playground?”Sherollshereyes,“Whereisyournameonit?”
Ilaugh Thisgirlisfeistyandcute Whatacombination “Mynamedoesn’tneedtobeonit,princess I’mhereeverynight, andnoonecomesuntilyou,Iguess.”
“Don’t callmeprincess”
“That’swhatyougotfromthis?”Iaskherwithasmile.It’sasifhereyesarepermanentlynarrowed,andherlittlenostrils flare.“Youneedtogo.”
“Why?BecauseI’mItalian?”
Inod,“Precisely.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to go!” She yells at me, finally getting up fromthe ground. She’s brave, I’ll give her that. Becauseinsteadofsteppingback,shestepsforward Towardme “Idon’tcarethatyou’reRussian” “Thatmakesoneofus,”Itellherseriously.
“Whyiseveryonealwaysfightingwithyouandyourfriends?Whycan’twealljustgetalong?”
Shereally,reallydoesn’tgetit.Istayrootedtothespotevenasshegetssoclosethatshehastolookupatme.Igeteven closer,untilhersandalsaretouchingmysneakers,herpinktoenailsrightagainsttheedgeofthem Herfeetlookbatteredand bruised,partsoftoenailsmissing,bandaidsonrandomtoes.Wow.
Thegirlshrinksalittlewhenmyeyeslingeronherfeet,andshelooksnervouswhenmyeyesmeethersagain.“Oneword: Power ”Shedoesn’tsayanything,doesn’tevenbreathe “Weallwantit” “Why?”
“Becausethat’sjusthow itworksinthemafia,princess”Sherollshereyesatmynickname “ButI’llmakeanexception foryou.I’mNikolai.”
“Camilla”Shesighs,steppingback “ButmyfriendscallmeCam” “Idon’tlikethat.”CamillascrunchesuphernoseasIsayit.“Milla soundsbetter.”
Andthat’swhatI’mcallingherfromnowon:Milla. Mee-lah.
“Millaisdifferent”Shesaysslowly,“ButIguessit’salright” “Well,youshouldn’tbehere,Camilla.”Iturnaroundandgobacktotheendoftheslide,thensitonit.“Gobacktoyour brother”
“Nah.” She shrugs, sittingbackdownonthe mulch, flashingme her panties onthe waydown. Ilookaway, tryingto be respectful.“Iwanttotalktoyou.”
“Oh?”Iaskher,“Andwhatdoyouwanttotalkabout?” Shegrins.“Power. ”
Andthen,sheproceedstoaskmetwenty-onequestionsaboutthemafiaandwhywehateeachother
There’saswarmofbodiesinvadingmyhome Sweatycollegestudentsmovetothebeatofthemusic,mostofwhomI’ve nevermet,letaloneseenbefore.There’snotonevisiblesquarefootofthedownstairsareathat’sunoccupied.Infact,I can’tevenseethehardwoodfloorsfromwhereI’mstandingonthegrandstaircase.
Igrab the banister, mainlybecause Idon’twantto trip and fall downthe steps withmynew red bottoms thatIhaven’t gottenthechancetobreakinyet.Idescendandbecomeonewiththecrowd.
WhenmybrothertoldmethatPapàapprovedthispartyatwhattheycalljustanothervacationhome,Ialreadyknewitwas toogoodtobetrue.Theyhavethishouseinmycollegetownsotheycancometokeepaneyeonmewhenevertheywant… I’vealwaysbeenshielded,protected,and controlled Itallcomeswithbeingashelteredmafiaprincess Iamstilltryingto figure out their ulterior motives. They wouldn’t just let me have fun for the sake of it. Matteo DeLuca only cares about himself…So,howdoesthisbenefithim?
It’sprobablysohecanshoveLeodownmythroatsomemore Sincegraduationisapproachinginayear,myfatherwants uscloserthaneverbeforeourwedding.It’snevergoingtohappen.EventhoughLeoandIhaveanunderstanding,there’sstill underlyinghate onmypart He hurtme more thananyone And Iwon’tever forgive himfor it Him, onthe other hand? He doesn’tcare,buthe’salsonotnicetome.Notoften,anyway.Backinhighschool,wewerethebestoffriendsforawhile.AsI gotolderthough,Ibegantounderstandwhatbeingforcedintomarriagemeantforme I’dbenothingbutanobjecttohimtouse, abuse,discard.AstheDon,Leowillneverhurtforwomen.Infact,theywouldthrowthemselvesathim.Andthatmakeshim thekindofpersonwhohasbeeninfluencedbythemeninour families.They’vetaughthimhow totreatawife,how theyall havetreatedtheirown Isweartheytreattheirwhoresbetter Andthat’swhyIcouldneverlovehim,andIknowinreturn,he wouldnevercareaboutmeagain.
Mylittlewhitedressridesupmythighs,andIpullitdowndiscreetlywhilesearchingforAnnie Everyoneelseisdressed similarlysincemymother’sinvitationsaidsemi-formal/cocktailparty.So,I’mthankfullyblendingin.
IfinallyspotAnnieandbeginwalkingovertoher,bumpingintoafew friendsandacquaintanceswhoallwishmehappy birthday,whichonlydelaysmefurther.It’snotlikemybestfriendcaresabouthowlongittakesmetoreachher.She’salittle busyatthemoment.DeepinconversationwithIlya lookingrippedasfuckeveninabutton-down whokeepssmilingather ina waythatmakes me weakinthe knees God, she’s so fuckinglucky Butwhendid this happen? Justtwo days ago, they wouldbarelylookateachotherinthatclub.Nowtheylooklikethey’reinsomekindofheatedargumentbythewayshestarts wavingherhands
Annieisthrivinghere,that’sallIknow.Shelovesdrinkingandpartying,atleasteversincesheandJoshbrokeup.She’s beenawildcardsincethen,goingtotheclubsalmosteveryweekendandgettingdrunktoforgetaboutherpain.Thelastmonth hasbeenbetter,though.Instead,shehasfocusedmoreonballetwithme,wantingtheroleofOdileandOdettejustasmuchasI do.Buttheweekendsarestillcrazy.AsfarasIknow,shehasn’thadsexwithanyone.
Sheisthekindofgirlwhogetsalotofattentionyetdoesn’tusuallyreturnit Butsomethingisdifferenttonight Icansee herobservingIlyaappreciatively.Hereyesroamfromhisfaceallthewaytohisshoesinawaythatmakesmeblushforhim. Something’schangedbetweenthemsinceIlastsawhim,andIwanttoknowwhatitis Justmaybenotrightnow
Fortunatelyforher,I’mnotgoingtoneedhercompanytonight.Soshe’sfreetomakeloveeyesatthatboyallnight.It’stime formetogetfuckingwasted,maybeevenbumpaline,tohelpmeforgetthefactthatI’mgoingtomarryamonster,andthatsaid personisgoingtoliterallykillmewhenheseesthatNikolaihasshownuptomyparty IfIlyaishere,thensoisNik No one would bat an eyelash if Leo showed up with someone, but I’d probably get murdered or worse if I fucked someoneelse That’swhyIneedtogetitall outofthewaybeforeI’mtieddowntohim, forever Ihaven’tdoneityet,butI
wantto.
TheonlyreasonIwantedthispartyinthefirstplacewastouseitasadistractionformytruepurpose.Withthenumberof people presentand takingover everyinchofthis house, no one will bataneyelashwhentheycan’tfind me Theyprobably won’tevennoticeI’mmissingfrommyownfestivities.Idohaveatimelimit,though.I’mnotwilding-outthatdamnmuch.IfI makeittooobviousandmyfamilyfindsout,Icouldmessalotofthingsupformyself Likemyfreedom
IheadtoAnnie’sside,bringingmyarmaroundherwaisttopullherinandsmileatIlya.Ittakeshimaminutetoreturnthe smile,exceptitdoesn’tquitereachhiseyes Honestly,Idon’tcare Shepinchesmyside,andIstiffen Thislittlebitch “Fancyseeingyouagain,”Isaywithagrin,notbotheringtohidehowI’mcheckinghimout.MaybeIcanconvinceAnnieto haveathreesome.Probablynot.“Whyareyouactinglikeanassholetome?It’smybirthday.”
“You’reofflimitstonight”Hesmirks “I’dgetkilledifIsomuchassmileatyou” “Andwhyisthat?”
Ilya looks away, seeminglydone withme “Annabella,” Ilya says witha Russianaccent, tippinghis head “I’ll see you later.”
Myfriend looks onthe verge oftears, but why? “Wait!” She grabs his hand, stoppinghim “I’mnot done talking” Ilya searchesherface,focusingonhertear-filledeyes,andhisjawclenches.Shestillhasn’tletgoofhishand,andmyconfusion growswhenheinterlacestheirfingers.Aretheytogether?She’smybestfriend,andshenevermentionedthistome?WhenI’m abouttoaskherwhatthefuckishappening,we’reinterrupted Butofcourse,notbyjustanyperson No,mylifecan’tbethat easy.
Ahand slides frommylower backto cup myass, and the scentofLeo cinnamon invades mynostrils Iwould know because no matter how muchIhate him, Ihaven’talways. The truthis, no matter how muchIdon’twantto marryhim, he’s damngoodateatingpussy.I’vebeenfuckinghimregardlessofhowIfeel.Soyeah,there’sthat.
Ipeer up athim, butjustas I’maboutto smirkand saysomethingto piss himoff, he alreadylooks like he wants to rip someone’sheadoff.Andthatexpressionisdirectedrightatthetall,blond,muscular guyacrossfromus.NotthatLeoisany lessblessedinthatdepartment
“Whatthe fuckis D’yavolo doinghere?” Leo’s honey-browneyes grow darkwithfury, and he pushes me behind him. I knew this wasn’tgoingto go well Fuck Papà would have a field dayifhe heard aboutthis, undoubtedlythe bloodykind Evenstill,Ifeellikepissinghimoffalittle,soIcometohissideandgrabhisarm.
“Leo,”Isaysoftly,andheturnstolookatme.Tobehonest,it’sscaryhowhiseyessoftenforme,especiallywithwhatI’m abouttodo.NowIfeelalittlebadforbeingabitch.Butno,herubswomeninmyfaceallthetime.I’mnotgoingtobeweak. Hehatesmetoo.
JustasI’mabouttotalk,though,anequallytallmanshowsupatIlya’sside Onlythisguyisthecompleteopposite Dark, brooding,withsilvereyesthatarelookingrightintomine. Nikolai. Idon’tlikehow theynarrow atme.Infact,Iwanthimto lookaway Heseemspoisedforafight,withhisarmscrossedoverhischestandhisbodytense “Iinvitedthem”
Leo’seyesturntoslitsastheytakemeinfromheadtotoe.Heclosesthespacebetweenusquickerthanaflash.Hishand comes to myjaw, grippingtightly, painfully. “What are youtalkingabout, tesoro mio?” My sweetheart. I roll myeyes and smilethroughthepain,goadinghimon
Icanseethebrooding,dark-hairedmanwalkingcloser,andLeosmiles.Iknow thatpsychoticsmilemeanshe’sreadyto inflictpain,andItrytoshakemyheadatNik,butthegriponmyjawpreventsmefrommovingmyhead “Lethergo.”Hisvoiceisdeep,andtingleseruptovermybody.“Orthisisgoingtogetfuckingugly.”
Leogrins,shakinghishead Nikolai’shandsqueezesLeo’sarmroughly,andIknowhe’smadeamistake “Getyourfilthy handoffmebeforeit’snolongerpartofyourbody.”
“I’mnotscaredofyou, Demoni.”Nikolaichuckles.“Getyourhandsoffher. ” “She, ” Leo firmlyflexes his fingers against myface once more, whichI’mfairlysure will have bruises tomorrow, and smirks,“ismine.I’msureyoustillrememberthat,though.”
Nik’sjawclenches,butheignoresLeo’sjab “Yetyoutreatherlikeshe’sgarbage” Whydoesheevencare?Ihurthim.
However,NikolaiandLeo’srivalrygoesbeyondwhathappenedbetweenthethreeofus Itgoesdeeper,ahatredinstilled inussincebeforewemet,knowingwewerealreadyenemiesasmafiafamilies.AsCosaNostraandBratva.
The D’yavolo and Demoni are similar to societies at Atlantic University, and, of course, we hate each other for those reasonsaswell OnlyIdon’thatethem Notreally
“Leo,you’rehurtingme.”Igaspout.Myeyesdostingfromthetearsthatspringtothem,andIblinkthemrepeatedly,not wantingtoshowhimmoreweaknessthanthis “Per favore,”Iwhisper
Leonardobringshislipstomyear,andIshiverreflexively.“Iwillfuckingskinhimalive,Camilla.”Ibelievehim,which probablymakesmeabadpersonbecauseIdon’tcare.“Butifthat’swhatyouwant,byallmeans,goahead.”
“Idon’tthinkyoucarethatmuch.”Wemakeeyecontactashepullsback,andatraitoroustearescapesmeasLeobrushesit awaywithhisthumb.
“Notanymore,Idon’t,”hesays withasmirk.“Goahead, tesoro mio.Betrayme.Iknow somethings youdon’t.”Idon’t replyeventhroughmycuriosity,whichclearlymakeshimangry,buthestilldecidestoletgoofme.
I’msurprised Ithoughthe’dhoistmeover hisshoulder andcarrymeawayfromtheminashow ofpower Whatkindof gameisheplaying?He’dneverallowthisdisrespect.
I don’t wait to get away, though As soonas I’mreleased, I walkas quicklyas I can damnthese highheels and go huntingfor a shot. Iend up havingfive. I’mkind ofdrunkwhena guyoffers to letme bump a line, and Itake himup onit, bringingastrawtomynoseandforcefullysnorting Itasteitandgrimaceasthepostnasaldriphitsme It’sintense,buttherush makes up for all ofit. Yes, this is preciselywhat Ineeded. Now Icanhave funlike Iwas supposed to before the asshole showedup.
SweatybodiesrubupagainstmeasIwalkthroughthehouse,slightlydisoriented,andmakemywaybackupthestairs I needtouse thebathroom,andthenIwanttotake adipintheheatedpool.Maybe evendrowninit,ifI’mlucky.There’s no otherwaytogetoutofthisshitlifethathasbeenpredeterminedformesincebeforeIwasborn Idon’twanttobeapartofany oftheplansmyfamilyhasthrustuponme,yethereIamwithnochoice.
I’msurewecouldtrulyfallinloveifIgaveitashotwithLeo Atleast I could Idon’tthinkheiscapableofthatemotion Butthat’sthemainproblem.Idon’twanttobeobsessedwithsomeonewhowill neverreturnthesentiment,especiallywhen he’sahurtfulasshole.Hedoesn’tcareaboutmyfeelingsintheslightest.
Once inthe bathroom, Itake care ofbusiness and wipe the smeared mascara fromunder myeyes As Isuspected, Istill haveLeo’sfingerprintsonmyface.Isigh,grippingthevanity,andhangmyhead.Ican’tbegoingbacktothepartylikethis; there’snowaypeoplewon’taskwhathappened Thenagain,Ican’thideupherefortherestofthenight
Igobackouttomyroom,lookingformybathingsuitsinthebottomleftdrawerofthedresser,andIbenddowntograbone. Onlyjustasmyhandsclosearoundoneandshutthedrawer,Ihearheavyfootstepshaltrightbehindme.I’minforitnow.Ijust knowLeoispissedascanbe,andI’mabouttobepunished.
Istand,mybackgoingramrodstraight,butItaketoolongtoturnaroundbeforeahard,muscularbodypressestomyback. Myeyesclosewithoutmypermission,andIsmirk Ifhe’sgoingtopunishme,mightaswellbewilling,right?
Ahandcomesaroundmyneck,squeezinglightlyasIturnaround,makingmyeyesbulgeoutwithsurprise.“Notwhoyou expectedtoseetonight, princess?”Alltheairwhooshesoutofmylungsinoneforcefulexhalation,andNikolaismirks Idrop mybathingsuittotheground,andhissmirkexpandsintoagrin.
There’snotmuchtosay,soIshakemyhead.“W-whatareyoudoinginherehere?”SomethingtellsmeIshouldbescared ofhim.AndIam.Withtremblinghands,Iwrapmyfingersaroundhiswristandattempttoremovehisgripfrommyneck,but thewayhenarrowshiseyeshasmecancelingallplans.
“I’mhereforyou, solnyshko Yousaidwewouldtalk,butI’mnotreallyinthemoodforit,ifI’mbeinghonest”
Inarrowmyeyes.“Andwhatdoyouwant?”
Hesmiles,ignoringmyquestion “Iwillaskyouonething,though Whydidyoulethimtreatyouthatway?”Heturnsmy facefromsidetosideasheinspectsthemarksonmyskin.“Doyoulikeviolence?Isthatwhatturnsyouon?”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Hegotawaywithtreatingyoulikeshit,”Hishandgoesfrommynecktomydarkcurls,andhewrapsthemaroundhisfist, yankingroughly until I yelp in pain. “Do youlet everyone do that? Or just worthless motherfuckers? The girl I knew was strongerthanthis Youbrokeupwithhimbackthen,remember?”
Myscalpstings,buteventhroughthepain,Itrytountanglemyselffromhishold.It’suseless.“Idon’thaveachoice.He’s goingto be myhusband” His grip tightens onme “That’s whyI’mgoingto have myfuntonight, and I won’t thinkof the consequencesanymore.”
Nikolailaughsdarkly,“Oh?”Morepain,moreburning.Mypantiessticktomysensitiveskin,andItrytopressmythighs together,butI’munableto “Andhowareyougoingtodothat?”
“Iplannedtofuckastrangertonight.”
He walks me forward, forcefullypushingme onto the bed, mybellymeetingthe edge ofthe mattress so I’mbentatthe waist.Thenheyanksmydressup,exposingmyasstohim.“You’rebad,aren’tyou?You’vechanged.”Theloudsoundofthe slapregistersbeforethesharpsting,andmybreathhitchesinmythroatwhenIfeelit Mypantiesaresoaked,Ialreadyknowit Goddamnit,thisissoembarrassing.Butatthesametime,it’snot.Thisishowitshould’vebeenforus.“Luckyforyou,I’ma strangernowandfeelinggenerousenoughtotakeyouuponit.”
Warmhandsrunupmythighs,andIfeelhisbreathbetweenthemashekneelsbehindme “Ihavewantedtodothisforso long, butyoutookitawayfromme.” He bites me softlyonthe inside ofmythighand the bottomofmyass cheek, until he spreadsmyassapartwithbothhandsandlicksmypantiesrightovermypussy Imoan,fistingthesheets,andI’mgratefulthe onlylightinthisroomistheonecomingfromthebathroom.Which,thankfully,isnotbrightfromthisfaraway.Ifeelsofucking exposed.
“Ididn’thaveachoice,”Igroan,tighteningmyhandsaroundthesheets.
“IthoughtyoutoldIlyaneveragain,hmm?”I’mentirelyawarethatthisisabadidea.Hesnuckintomyroom,manhandled