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PleaseRead Shoutout
1.Bianca
2 Alexander
3.Bianca
4 Alexander
5.Bianca
6 Alexander
7.Bianca
8.Alexander
9 Bianca
10.Alexander
11 Bianca
12.Alexander
13 Bianca
14.Alexander 15.Bianca
16 Alexander 17.Bianca
18 Alexander 19.Bianca
20.Alexander
21.Bianca
22.Alexander
23 Bianca
24.Alexander
25 Bianca
26.Alexander
27.Bianca
28.Alexander
29.Alexander
AboutTheAuthor
ThankYou
AtMyWorst
Copyright©2024bySashaRC Allrightsreserved
Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinorintroducedintoaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans(electronic,recording,or otherwise)withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisherorauthor,exceptfortheuseofquotationsinareview,andaspermittedbyUS CopyrightLaw
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Thisisaworkoffiction Names,characters,places,brands,media,andincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously Any resemblancetoactualevents,locales,orpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental
Formatting/Development/Editor:MelonyStaab AuthorAssistant/Development/AlphaReader:KayleaFink
Editor:BriArbelaez
Illustrator:BretnieShepherd
Coverby:TheAuthorBuddy
Hello,MyFellowReaders, ThisisaDarkTwistedHealingRomance. Thisbookdivesrightinfromthestart.Somethingswithinthisbookmighttriggerandbeuncomfortableforsomereaders. Please remember thatthis bookdoes notfollow the rules This bookis heavyonsmut, whichhappens veryearlyinthese pages.
PleasebeADVISEDtheconnectionbetweenthecharactersisPHYSICAL,whichmeansitisBASEDonSEX!!!!!! This bookcontains some themes and topics that maybe hard for some to handle. Please make sure that youread all the warningsatthebeginningofthisbook yourmentalhealthmatters
ThisisaDARKTwistedHealingRomance
Sexualscenesinclude:BreatheandAnalPlay PraiseKink Exhibitionism DominantandSubmissiveSexualBehavior
Pleasedonotusethisbookasaguideforsexualfantasies.
Thisbookhasdarkelementsandthemes,includingemotional,psychological,andmentalabuseflashbacksintheformof dreamsordaydreams Otherdarkthemesandelements:Alcoholuse,foullanguage,andgaslighting(inflashbacksnotby MMC).
Veryobsessive,possessive,andjealousMMC.
Pleaserememberthatallsexualbehaviorsbetweenthemainfemalecharacter(FMC)andthemainmalecharacter(MMC)are consensual,evenifitdoesnotlookthatway.
ThisisanFM(Female,male)typeofromance.
Thisbookisfiction.Iwanttomakeitclear.Idonotcondoneanythingthathappensinthisbook.
Pleaseusecaution.Youknowyourselfbest.
Itisadvisedthatthisbookisformatureadultsovertheageof18.
Lastly,Iwantedtomentionthatmywritingstyleisdifferent Idonotfocusontheoutsideworldfromthecharacters Iwrite fromtheirPOV,andalotofwhathappensisfromtheirperspectiveandwrittenintheirinternalmonologues.Pleasebeaware thatthisisonpurpose
Rememberthatyouarereadingaboutapossessive,controlling,andjealousMMCandanMFCwhohavebeenthroughtrauma. Sometimes,theirthoughtswillberepetitiveandmaysoundcrazyornotmakesense
Idonotwriteperfectcharacters IwritethemasIseetheminmyhead,includinghowtheythink,behave,andwhattheysay internally.
Thesecharacters’loveisTABOO,whichmeansthatitmightnotmakesensetothereader.
Thingshappenquicklyandinaveryshortamountoftime.Thisbookisbasedonthesexualconnectionanddesirebetweenthe charactersandisnotfocusedontheworldaroundthem.
Kay-AuthorAssistant/Development/AlphaReader: Wheretobegin.Youhavebeensuchanamazing,strongfoundationfor me ThankyouforbeingmyNorthStarandwalkingsidebysidewithmethroughthiscrazymadnesscalledlife Iappreciate youforallthehardworkyouputintobeingmyAAandtakingthetimetoreadmybooks.Thankyousomuchforallofyour suggestions Iwantyoutoknowthatyouareappreciated Thankyouforbeingyou
Mel-Formatting/Development/Editor:Thankyousomuchforeverythingthatyoudo.Thankyouforgoingthroughthiscrazy processwithme Iappreciateyouforallthelonghours,hardwork,andphonecallsandforfallinginlovewithmystoriesas muchasIhave.
MyARC/StreetTeam:Youareallsoamazing Thankyouforsigningup,promoting,reviewing,andalwaysbeingwillingto readmycrazystories.
Toallmyreaders:Thankyousomuchfortakingachanceandreadingmybooksanddivingintomycrazy,dark,smutty romanceworld.Iappreciateallofyouandcouldnothavemademydreamarealitywithoutyou.
BretnieShepherd:Thankyouforbeingyou,forstayingupuntil4am withmeonthephone,listeningtomycraziness,and helpingmecomeupwithmorecrazy-assideas.Thankyouforbeingmyillustrator;youareabsolutelyamazing.Iappreciate yousomuch
KarenProsser:Forbeingmybestfriend,mysoundboard Thankyouforalwaysbeingwillingtolistentoallofmynewideas formybooks,givingmenewideas,andhelpingmewiththecharacternames.Icouldn’thavedonethiswithoutyou.Thankyou forbeingyou.
SunflowerDowner:Foralwaysbeingthereforme,makingmelaugh,andencouragingmetofollowmydreams.Thankyoufor believinginmeandalwaysbeingtherewhenIneedyou.
W.S.:Youknowwhoyouare.Thankyouforbeingoneofmybiggestfans.Forhelpingmewithcoverideas,booktitleideas, characternames,andplotsandforkeepingmeontrack.Thankyouforencouragingmetocontinuetofollowmydreams.
JamieWilliams:Youaresoamazing.Thankyouforallofyoursupport,forbeinginspirational,andforbelievinginme.Thank youforbeingmyfriend.
TheAuthorBuddy:Thankyouforthe3-Dgraphics,allofthenewcovers,andforgoingonthiscrazyridewithme.
BriArbelaez:Thankyouforallyoudo Thereissomuchyoudointhebackground Iappreciateyou
“The Devil is a Gentleman” byMerciRaines “@ my worst” byblackbear “Hurts Like Hell” byTommeeProfittfeat.Fleurie “Kiss Me Again” byHENRY
“I’m Yours” byIsabelLaRosa “Darkside” byNeoni “War Is Love” byBobiAndonov “One Mississippi” byZaraLarsson “Too Far Gone” byHiddenCitizensfeat.SVRCINA “Dynasty” byMIIA
“Paint It, Black” byCiara “I See Red” byEveryoneLovesAnOutlaw “Rescue” byLaurenDaigle “Parachute” byKyndalInskeep&SongHouse “Devil Side” byFoxes “love me ” byExHabit “Infinity” byJaymesYoung “Guilty” byBobiAndonov “Here’s My Heart” bySayWeCanFly “Dangerous Hands” byAustinGiorgio “FU In My Head” byCloudyJune “Power” byIsakDanielson “Love Me Wrong” byIsakDanielson “Alkaline” bySleepToken “Every Breath You Take” byChaseHolfelder “The Devil Within” byDigitalDaggers “Take It Out On Me” byBohnes “Demons” byJacobLee “The Death Of Peace Of Mind” byBadOmens “Be My Queen” bySeafret “Twisted Love” byAryia “If I Showed You” byHenryVerus “Author” byJacobLee “Beautiful Trauma” byP!nk
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2dYkVDGJt8LiUFTuAxmosp?
si=0wm5uiSJQmGG8x2bVxzs5g&pi=u-8H1W1yruSxWz
HelloDarkRomanceLovers, Insidethesepages,IusethewordsFuckandFuckingALOT Theyare,infact,twoofmyfavoritewords Iwanttoinform youthatthewordsFuck,Fucking,andanyotherlovelycusswordsIusearenotusedfordramaticeffect.Thisisthewayme andmycharacterstalk.
Thisbookgivesyouaninsiderviewofwhatitisliketobeemotionally,psychologically,andmentallyabusedbysomeone whopromisedtheylovedherandhowthejourneyofhealingcanbetwisted,overwhelming,andscary.
Thisbookhasflashbacksofabusivesituationsintheformofflashbacksordaydreams(thesearesmall glimpsesofcertain situations).
Thisbookwill follow thestoryofawomanwholeftherabusivehusbandinthemiddleofthenightandtriedtostartover somewherenew.
Pleasebeadvisedthatthisbookisheavyontrauma,abuse,andhealing.PleasekeepinmindthattheFMC’swayofhealing mightappeartobetaboo,butthatisthewaysheheals.
Domesticviolenceisaveryrealanddangerousthingthatmanypeoplegothrough.
Ifyouorsomeoneyouknowisinasituationlikethis,pleaseknowthatyouarenotalone Thenumberbelowisthehotlinenumberandthechat.Thereissomeonetherewhowilllistenandhelpyou.
1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or
ThisisforallyouGoodGirlsouttherewholoveafast,fast,fastburn. TotheGoodGirlswhohaveeverfelttheyneededtochangeforamanorfeltliketheywerebeingshamedfortheirsexual fantasies
ThisisfortheGoodGirlswholoveamanwhowouldbringalltheirsexualdesirestolifewithoutshame. Thisbookdoesnotfollowtherules Thisbookbringstabootoawholenewlevel. Thisbookcrossesthelinesandmakesnologicalsense,butguesswhat?Lovedoesn’tneedtomakesensetoanyoneelse WelcometotheworldofAlexanderOrtiz,themanthatfuckswithoutregret. Thesexy,tattooed,possessive,no-boundarieskindofman. ThemanwhoisnotafraidtoremindyouthatyoucanbehisBadGirlandhisGoodGirl
Don’tworrybooboo,itisokay,justturnthepage, Alexanderiswaitingforyou.
“FU In My Head” byCloudyJune
Myanxietyhasbeeninoverdriveall daylong Ihaven’tbeenabletostoppacingorcrying ThisissomuchharderthanI thought it was goingto be. It shouldn’t be this hard to walkaway, but I can’t do it anymore after tenyears of trying, begging,andpleadingtobeloved.Talkingdoesn’twork.Makingpromisesthatthingswillbedifferentdoesn’twork. Nothingseemstowork
IfIstay, Iwill continue to feel alone, unhappy, and notgood enough. Idon’twantto live mylife like this anymore, even thoughIlovemyhusband Idon’tthinkhelovesme,notinthewayIdohim Ithinkheisinlovewiththeideaofme,ofus,butwhenitcomesdowntoit,heisn’thappy.Hejustwon’tadmitittohimself orme.
Hetoldmewhenwegotmarriedthatitwasforlife,andthatday,Ibelievedwewouldbetogetherforever.IneverthoughtI wouldbetheonetoleave,butIdidn’thaveachoice.
Ihave to be the one to walkaway Ihave to be the one to do this for myselfbecause ifIdon’t, Iwill remainhere inthis loveless,roommatemarriage,andslowly,itwillkillme.
ItakeadeepbreathasIlookattheclock Myhusbandshouldbeatworkbynow Hewon’tcheckin Heneverdoes Heis busy,andIlearnednottobotherhimatworkbecausehegetsannoyed.
Iguesstonightitisagoodthingheislikethat.HewillhavenoideathatIhaveleft,notuntilhegetshome,andevenafter that,hewon’t,notreally.HewillthinkIamatwork.Hewon’tknowanythinguntilIamsupposedtobehome.Hewillwaita fewhours,thencallme,andthatiswhenhewillfindoutIleft.
TheonlythingsIamtakingaremybooksandmyclothes Hecankeepeverythingelse Idon’twantit
Igrabmylastbagfromthetableandslowlylookaroundtheroomonelasttime.MyheartisracingsofastasIwalktothe frontdoor,andwhenIgrabthedoorknob,Ifeelthefirsttearrolldownmyface Ifeellikeanungratefulbitch,abrat. IfeellikeIamgoingfuckingcrazy.
Ishakemyhead,swipethetearsfrommyface,andturnthedoorknob
Slingingmybagovermyshoulder,Iwalkoutthedoor, lockingitbehindmeanddownthestepstomycar.Iplacethelastbaginthepassengerseat.MyhandsaretremblingasIclimb intothedriver’sseatandtakeonemorelookatthehousethatlookssobeautifulandperfectontheoutside Butontheinside,it waslonelyandempty.
Twopeoplewhosharedthehouseandthebillslivedinthishouse,buteverythingelsewasseparate Idon’tknowwhenwegottothepointwherewewereperfectlyfinewithbeingwithouttheother.Buthereweare,hereIam, staringatthehouseIthoughtIwouldbehappyin,butifIamhonestwithmyself,Ihaven’tbeenhappyinalongtime. Webecamegoodatlyingtoourselves,convincingourselves thatwewereoverreactingor thatthingsweren’tthatbigofa deal.
Butitis abigdeal
IinhaledeeplyasIbackoutofthedriveway.Exhaling,Iputthecarindriveandheadoutoftheneighborhood,disappearing intotheblackness.
Idon’tknowwhereIamgoingorwhatIamgoingtodo AllIknowisthatIneedtofindaplacewhereIfeelaliveagainand canfindandbemyselfagain.
“Don’t say you are sorry. You always say you are sorry, but then you do it again,” he says disgustingly. I stand still in front of him, feeling my heart pound against my rib cage I don’t mean to do things that upset him It is not like I do them on purpose, but it doesn’t change the fact that he thinks I do.
“What do you want me to say then?” I finally asked, looking into his angry eyes I hate that look that deeming, look down on you I am disappointed look. I hate it.
“Just do what you say you ’ re going to do,” he says before he turns around, and I watch him leave the kitchen I try to do what I say He takes things to a whole new level and freaks out over small things, things I don’t see as a big deal.
He says we are fine, but I know we aren’t because of how he acts So I ask him over and over again until he tells me, and then he loses his shit.
This is a never-ending cycle, and I don’t have the energy to fight with him today I am tired and have a lot to do The best thing for the both of us right now is to be apart until we both calm down.
Islowlyopenmyeyesandwipethetearsaway.IhatethatIcrysomuch.Iseemtocryabouteverythinglately,butmaybeit isjustmymindtryingtounderstandwhatishappeningbecauseIhavenoidea Iturnandlookoutmywindow.Icanhearandseetheoceanwaveslappingattheshoreline.IhavenoideawhattimeIpulled over,butIcouldn’tkeepmyeyesopenanymore Islowlysitupstraightandgrabthesteeringwheel.Iwatchasthesuncomesupoverthewaves.Itisabreathtakingsight.I can’ttellyouhowlongithasbeensinceIhaveseentheoceanorsmeltthesaltyair,butitisrefreshing Ilookdownatmyphone.Therearenonewmessagesormissedcalls.Igrabmyphoneandwalletandgetoutofthecar. Ilookup whenIhear squawkingabove me and tightlywrap myarms around myself. Lookingto myright, Isee a tavern painted onthe side ofthe buildinginbigblue and white letters;itsays, “The RockyShore Tavern,” whichis fittingfor an oceantown.Theparkinglotisfilledwithcars,whichIhopemeanstheyhavegoodfood.WhenIpulledinherelastnightor thismorning,whateveryouwanttocallit,theparkinglotwasdark,andnoonewashere
HowlonghadIbeenasleep?
Ilookbackdownatmyphoneandseethatit’sjustafterseveninthemorning,sonotlongenough,Icantellyouthat. Itakeadeepbreathasmystomachmakesaloudandannoyingsound.
Ilookbackatthe waves andtake another deepbreath,lettingthe saltyair fill mylungs as Iclose myeyes.Idon’tthinkI haveanytearsleft,atleastnotrightnow
Mybodyissoreandbeyondtired,butIneedfood.IhavenoideawhattownIamin,butIknowIamnowinWashington. Icantakealittletimeandgetsomethingtoeat,andthenIwillgetbackontheroadandseewhereittakesme ThefartherI getfrommyoldlife,thebetter.
“The Death Of Peace Of Mind” byBadOmens
canhearpeopleoutintherestaurantlaughingandtalking Therewasalineatthedoorthismorning,whichisagoodthing Weneedthemoneytokeepthisplaceopen.
LastIcheckedonPops,hewaspassedoutonthecouchathome,andfromwhatIcantell,hedownedawholebottlelast night Itiseasiertostayhereatthetavern,soIdon’thavetodealwiththatmessrightnow Ihavetoomanythingsthatneedto betakencareof.Mypopscanwait.Hewill befine.Hewill sleepitoffandcomestumblingintonightwhenheknowsitis happyhour
“Xander,” I hear someone yell at the door. I would know that voice anywhere. Josh. He pulls me from my imploding, depressingthoughts,justlikehealwayshas.
“What?”Iyellback.
“Goodmorning,Sunshine,”hesaysatmyside.
“Itiswaytooearlyforyoutobethishappy,”IsaycalmlyasIwatchtheeggs “Itiscalledsleep,man.Youshouldtryit,”hesaysjokingly.Icanfeelhiseyesonme. Ismileandshakemyhead;crazyass,dude “Getyourassoutthereandbussometablesforme”Ipointouttothecrowded restaurant.
“Yes,Sir,”Joshsaysashesmilesandwalksouttheswingingdoors.
Ifillfourplateswitheggs,pancakes,bacon,andsidesofgravy,putitonthecounterundertheheatlamps,andringthebell. “Coming,”Joshsayswithamusement.
Joshstopsinfrontoftheopeningandgrabsallfourplates Istandstill,staringathim Henodsandgivesmeawink Stupid.Ilaugh,shakemyhead,andmoveontothenextsetofplates.Ihearthebellringoverthedoor.
“Joshy,”Iscream
Hedoesn’tanswer asIloadupthenextsetofplates,putthemonthecounter,andpushopentheswingingdoor.Igrabmy orderpadandstopinfrontofthebar,readytotakethenewcomer’sorder,butwhenIlookup,myheartfuckingstops. Apairofbrowneyeslockedwithmineforamoment,andthenshequicklylookedaway Shesitsdownattheendofthebar, settingdownherphoneandwallet.
“Whothefuckisthat?”Joshasksinmyear Ipushhimawayandmotionforhimtotaketheotherplates.
Islowlymakemywayovertothewoman Shelooksdownatherphone,thensetsitdownandgrabsthemenu Istopinfront ofher.Her longblackhairispulledupinamessybun,andtheblackglassessheiswearingmakeherbrowneyespopeven more.Iquicklylookherover.Sheiswearingablacksweatshirtandjoggers.
“CanIgetyousomecoffee?”Iaskhersoftly Shelooksupfromthemenuandnods.“Thankyou,”shesayssoftlyasshelooksbackdownatthemenu.
Mostpeoplewanttositintherestaurantpart,butsomelikethebar Idon’tstartservingalcoholuntilten,butsomewillstay
eatandwaitforthetimetocome.
Iturnaround,grabamug,andquicklypouracupasIlookoveratJosh.Heisleaningonthetable,watchingme.Hesmilesat meandnods Hehasalwaysbeenagoofball,thelifeoftheparty Heisalsomybestfriendandtheonlyonewhoreallyknows meandmylife.Idon’ttrustmany,buthehasearnedit.
Iturnbackaroundwiththecupofcoffeeandmakemywaybackovertothegirl Shehassetdownthemenuandissitting backinherseat,lookingoverthedifferentbottlesofbooze.
Isetthecoffeeinfrontofher,bringingherattentionbacktome “Doyouknowwhatyouwant?”Iask,watchingherclosely I haveneverseenherfacebefore.
“Pancakesandscrambledeggs,please,”sheresponds,keepinghereyesonme.
Inodandturnbackaround Joshisstillstaringatme,makingmeshakemyhead Ipushopentheswingingdoorsandwalk back.
Onesetofpancakesandeggscomingup
ThemusiccontinuestoplayasIpourafewmoredrinksandsettheminfrontofthetwopeoplesittingatthebar Ilookover atJosh,andheis talkingtoanother girl.Idon’tknow whichonethis is,andIhavehonestlylostcount.Ilook overinthecornerboothwherePopshasbeenforhours,anditlookslikehe’salreadypassedout ItakeadeepbreathandshakemyheadasIscanoverthepeopleandstoponthegirlinthecorner,thesamegirlfromthis morning.
Sheisinthecornerbyherself Herhairisstillupinabun,butshehaschangedherclothes Sheiswearingablacktanktop, showingofftheinkthatcoversherarmsandchest.
I stand straight and slowlyleave behind the bar, keepingmyeyes onher as she stumbles towards the bathroom I move throughthecrowdofpeopleandfindherleaningagainstthewallinthehallwayhalfwaytothebathroom. Irestmyhandonthewallbesideherhead Sheislookingdownatherphone “Areyouokay?’Iasksoftly Shequicklyturnsandlooksatme.Shestumblesbackalittle,butIgrabherarm,pullinghertometokeepherfromfalling. “Yes,”shesaysasIreleaseherarm.Sheputsherphoneintoherbackpocket,andhereyesstayonme. Sheisdrunk “Yousure?”Iask,lookingoverherface Sheisbeyondtrashed Shenods.“Yes,Sir,”shesays,andmyheartracesalittlewithhermoniker. “Whatisyourname?”Iask,tiltingmyheadtogetabetterviewofher Sheshakesherhead.“No,wearen’tdoingthat.” “Doingwhat?”Iask,alittleconfused. “Names,”sheslurs.
“Okay.”
“I’mgonnago,”shesaysasshepushesoffthewall andwalksaroundme Iturnslightly,watchingher stumblethroughthe crowdtowardstheexit.
Fuckme
Iturnandfollowbehindher,pushingthroughthepeople. IstopforamomentnexttoJosh.“Watchthebar.” “Igotyou,”hesayswithamusementasthegirlwhisperssomethingintohisear. Icontinue to follow behind the woman. She pushes openthe doors and walks outside. She stopped momentarilyand then continuedwalking,stumblingdownthetwostepsandintotheparkinglot Ifollowcloselybehindherasshestopsatacarandpullsoutherkeys. Ireacharoundherandtakethekeysfromher Sheturnsandlooksupatme “Hey,thosearemine” “Noshit,youaren’tdriving,though,”Isay,watchingherclosely. Hereyesnarrowonme.“Iamnot.Ineedthemtogetinmycar.” “Nodriving,”Isaycalmly
Shereachesuptograbthem,butIputthemjustoutofreach. “Whatisyourname?”Iaskagain Sheshakesherheadandcrossesherarmsoverherchest,sassylittlething. Ilowermyarmandputherkeysintomypocket Shewalksintome,loweringherarms,nowchesttochest,andIcanfeelher
racingheartbeat She tilts her head to the side, her eyes rapidlysearchingmine She smells so fuckinggood Ifeel mycock twitchagainstthefrontofmyjeans.
“I’mnotlettingyouleavewhileyouaredrunk,”Itellher Thereisnowayinfuck Sheisdrunk,anddrivingisabadidea I don’tknowthisgirl,butIdon’twanttohearaboutitonthenewsthatshegotinawreck.
Shedoesn’trespondatfirst,butthenwhatcomesoutofhermouthshocksthefuckoutofme
“Everwantedtofuckastranger?”Sheasksinalowvoice.
Yeah,sheisdrunk
Ishakemyheadasasmileformsacrossherlips.
“Wantto?”Sheasksinalow,desiredvoice.
Fuck Whatthefuckishappeningrightnow?
“You’redrunk.Thisisnotagoodidea,”Itryanddissuadeher.Iamnotagainstfuckingstrangers,butIamagainstthemnot beingabletoremembermeormycockwhentheywakeup
“Yes,Iamdrunk,andyes,Iwon’tremembertomorrow,butisn’tthatthepoint?”Sheslurs. Herquestionisinterestingandconfusing Sheshrugsandstartstoturn,buttheurgetotouchherbecomesoverwhelming “Fuckit,”Isaythroughgrittedteeth.
Ireachoutandgrabherbythethroat,pullingherfirmlyagainstmychest.Ileandownandsmashmylipstohers.Shemoans andopenshermouth,andmytongueenters,hertonguedancingwithmine IcantastetheboozeonhertongueasIreachdown anddigmyfingertipsintoherleg,slowlymovingup.Ipullback,breakingthekiss.Hereyesareopenandonme,asIpushher againstthesideofhercar
Ipullupherskirtandmoveasideherunderwear.Irunmyfingersthroughherfolds,andherheadfallsagainstthecar.Ipull myhandawayfromherwetpussyandunbuttonandunzipmypants.Sheswatsmyhandsoutofthewayandpushesmypants andboxersdownenoughtofreemyachingcock.Igrabher leftlegandpinitagainstmyhipasIreachbetweenusandgrab ontomydick.Ihatehavingsexstandingup,butrightnow,IjustwanttobeballsdeepinsidethiswomanIknownothingabout.
Sheislikeadrug Yougetonetaste,andyouarealreadyhookedandwantingmore Iplacethetipofmycockatherentranceandlookoverherfaceonemoretime.ShegrabsmyshirtandpullsmeintoherasI pushmycockintohertightpussy Herwallswraptightlyaroundmycock,takingmybreathawayasIplacemyhandagainsther carandtightenmygriponherthroat.
Ileanin,mylipsalmosttouchinghers.“Youareabadfuckinggirl.”
Shedoesn’trespondasIstarttopushinandoutofher.Shewrapsherlegtightlyaroundme,oratleastasmuchasshecan, fromthisfuckingweird-assposition.
“Badgirlsgetpunished,”IwhisperasIsmashmylipstohers
ShemoansandopenshermouthonceagainasIcontinuetomoveinandoutofher.Thisissofuckingwrong.Sheisdrunk, andI’msober Iwillremember,butshewon’t ButhowthefuckcouldIhavejustlethergo?Nosanemanwouldhave MyballsbegintotightenasIpickupmypace.ShescreamsintomymouthasIfeelherpussytightenaroundmeasshecomes onmycock.Igroanintohermouth,shutmyeyes,andslamintoheronelasttimeasIshootmyloaddeepintoherpussy. Fuckme
Ipullback,breakingthekiss.HerheadfallsbackagainstthecarasIloosenmygriponherthroat. “Holyshit,”Iwhisper,tryingtocatchmybreath
ShelaughsasIpull outofherandreleasemyholdonhercompletely.Shelowersherlegtothegroundandpullsherskirt backintoplace
Ipullupmypantsandboxersandlookather.“Whereareyoustaying?”Iaskhercalmly. Shedoesn’tanswer,whichhonestlydrivesmenuts.“Please,”Isaycalmly. Shemotionsathercar Itisdark,butIcantellthecarisfilledwithstuff Yeah,notgoingtofuckinghappen “Youcanstaywithme,”Itellher.ThereisnowayinfuckIamlettingthiswomanstayinhercar. Sheshakesherhead “Nothanks” Sassyandstubborn,fuckme.
“I’mnotgoingtoletyousleepinyourfuckingcar,”Isay,feelingmyheartrace “Wejustfucked,it’snobigdeal.I’mgood,”shesays,shrugging.
Ican’ttellifshereallybelievesthatornot.Sheisdrunk,distant,andguarded.Iunderstand. IstareatherforamomentbeforeIwalkintoherandsmashmylipstohersforjustonemorefuckingtaste Ipullbackandlookather.“Youarestayingwithme,”Iallbutdemandinalowvoice. Shenodsbutdoesn’tsayaword It’sprogress,atleast
“A 3 Bianca
“Too Far Gone” byHiddenCitizensfeat.SVRCINA
re you mad at me?” I ask him softly He turns and looks at me and shakes his head He says he is not, but the vibes I am getting tell me differently “Do you have to hear the words, Bianca? Can’t you just trust that I love you?” He says in an annoyed voice. “I need validation,” I whisper back, feeling the tears build in my eyes “You know it drives me crazy. I am not mad at you, but if you keep asking, I will be. Is that what you want?” He asks. “No,” I say, trying to keep the tears back “Then trust the words that come out of my mouth,” he says calmly, but I can hear it in his voice. He doesn’t want to talk to me
I take a deep breath as he sits back on the couch and picks up his phone I know it drives him crazy that I need validation, but he knew this about me before we got married. He makes me feel stupid and dumb He makes me feel like I am going crazy Ugh,myhead.Iroll over ontomybackandwipe the tears frommyface.The dreams justkeepcomingona never-ending loopgoingthroughthelasttenyearsofmylife Irantogetawayfromthem,butnowIseethatitisimpossiblewhenmymind won’tletmeforgetandescapemypast.
MyheartstoppedasIwentthroughwhathadhappened.Iopenedmyeyesandquicklysatup. “Ouch,”IsayasIrubthesideofmytemple
Myvisionstartstoclear.Thesunisshiningthroughthewindow,andIcanhearthewavescrashing. Whatthefuckhappened?
IleanbackagainstthebedframeandslowlylookaroundtheroomIwokeupin.Itisolderwood,andpicturesoftheocean coverthewalls WhenIlooktothesideofthebed,Ifindtwopillsandsomejuice Ileanoverandgrabthem,poppingtheminmymouthasItakeabigdrinkofthejuice. “Youareawake,”Ihearamansay.
Iquicklyturnandlookatthemanstandingnexttothebed Heisaboutsixfeettall,withlightbrownhairlongenoughtoslickback.Hiseyesaredeepgreen,andhisneckandarmsare coveredinink Heiswearingatightblackv-neckt-shirt,blackskinnyjeans,andboots IlookoverhimafewtimesbeforeIlookintohiseyesagain.Heslowlytakesaseatontheedgeofthebedfacingme. Ileanoverandsetdownthejuice “WhereamI?”Iask,feelingmychesttighten Iusuallyamnotthekindofwomantogointoabarandblackout,butIhaveafeelingtherearealotofthingsIhavenever donethatIprobablywill startdoing.Ithoughttheboozewoulddrownoutthevoicesinmyhead,butitdidn’t.Ishouldhave knownbetter Wishfulthinking,Iknow
“Thetavern,”heanswerscalmly.
Idon’thearanyrage,anger,orirritation.Icanonlyheartheconcerninhistoneforsomeonehedoesn’tevenknow. “Shit,whattimeisit?”Iask,panicking “Noon.”
“Fuck”Isay,restingmyheadonthewallandclosingmyeyes “Doyourememberlastnight?”Heasks,gettingmyattentionagain. “Nope,butthatwasthepoint,”Isaywithamusement Iopenmyeyesandturnmyhead,lockingeyeswiththestrangeragain. “Why,whatdidIdo?”Iask,seeingtheconcerninhiseyes. Hetiltshisheadtotheside,causingsomebrownhairtocoverhiseyespartially “Well,wefucked,”hesays,watchingmeclosely. “Ohshit,”IsayasIlowermyheadandrunmyhandsovermyface “You,okay?”Heasksinaconcernedvoice. Iletoutasmalllaughandloweredmyhands “Yeah,I’mgood,”Isay,laughingagain “Whatissofunny?”
“Well,fuckingastrangerhasalwaysbeenafantasyofmine.IjustneverthoughtIwouldactuallydoit,”Isay,lookingatthe stranger Heisgorgeousandmysteriousandhasbroughtoneofmyfantasiestolife IwouldbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tembarrassed,Idon’tfuckrandompeople,butnowIcan’tsaythatanymorecanI? “Hmmm,”hesayssoftly “IthinkIshouldgo,”IsayasIpushdowntheblanketandturn,plantingmyfeetontheground.
Islipmyfeetintomyflip-flopsandstandup.Myheadthrobs,andmyvisiongetsfuzzy.Irunmyhandsovermyfaceagain andtakeadeepbreath,andthatiswhenIfeelit.Hiswarm,gentle,yetroughhandsholdingmyarms.
Ilookupandseehimlookingatmewithconcern.Hiswarmthstartsspreadingacrossmyskin,makingmyheartracefromthe physicaltouch
“Eatsomethingfirst.Youdon’tlooktoogood,”hewhispers. “Okay,”Isayinadefeatedvoice
Idon’tfeelgood,butIneedtokeepgoing.Idon’tknowwhere,butIknowIhavetokeepmoving,buteatingsomethingwon’t hurt.
“Pancakesandscrambledeggs,withcoffee,”hesays.
Inod.Itisnormal,Iguess,forhimtoremembermyorderfromyesterday,butatthesametime,hisrememberingwarmsmein awayIcan’tputintowordsjustyet
He releases his hold onme, takingthe warmthwithhim, causingmystomachto twist into knots. He turns, and I slowly followhimaroundthebedandoutoftheroomdownanarrowhallway HewalksintothebarareaandpullsoutthechairIsat inyesterday.
Isitandwatchhimgrabafew things,andthenhewalksthroughtheswingingdoors.IcanhearhimmovingaroundasIsit backinmyseat
Thebarisemptywhichisweirdforitbeingnoon.
The mancomes throughthe swingingdoors witha plate, stops atthe counter, and pours coffee into the cup He turns and lockseyeswithmeasheplacestheplateandcupofcoffeeinfrontofme.Herestshishandsonthecounterandwatchesmeas Ileanforwardandgrabthefork
“Soyougoingtotellmeyourname?”Heaskssoftly.
“What?”
“Youwouldn’ttellmeyournamelastnight,”hesayswithacuriouslook AsmalllaughleavesmeasIsitbackintheseat.“Bianca,mynameisBianca.” “Nicetomeetyou,Bianca IamAlexander,”hesayscalmly “Isthisyourbar?”Iask,lookingaround.
Henods “Itisthefamilybusiness,butyes,Irunit”
I pickup the cup and slowlyblow onit as I keep myeyes onAlexander. He moves backand leans against the counter, crossinghisarmsoverhischest.
“Youjustpassingthrough?”Heasks,breakingthelittlebitofsilence Inod.“Ithinkso.Idon’tknow.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Imean,Idon’tknowwhereIamgoingorwhatIamdoing,”Iconfesstohim.
“Hmmm,”hesaysmoretohimselfthantome.“Well,youcanalwaysstayhere.PortAngelesisasmalltown,butitisgood andquiet,”heconfidentlysays.
“MaybeIwill,notsureyet.Ishouldhavealreadygotbackontheroad,butIchosetogetdrunkandfuckastrangerinstead,”
Isaywithamusement.
Helaughsandshakeshishead.Hehasabeautifulsmile,andhislaughislikefreshairtome.
“Thereisahouseforrentdownthestreet,”hesays,catchingmealittleoffguard “Really?”
Henods “Yes,Icancallmyfriendifyouwant”
Isitbackandturn,lookingoutthewindowatthewaves.Iwasn’tplanningonstayinghere,butIhavenoreasonnotto.This placeisgorgeousandpeaceful Maybestayinghereforalittlebitbeforemovingonwouldn’tbesuchabadthing Iturnand lookatAlexanderandnod.
Itakeasipofmycoffee,watchhimsmile,andgrabhisphonefromhispocket.
Idon’tknowifIwillstaylong,butgettingatherapistjobshouldbeeasyenough,oratleastIamhopingitis,andIcanstart writingwherever.MaybetakingafewweekstofigureoutasolidplanbeforeImoveonisthesmartthing.
“Areyouokaywithaweek-by-weekagreement?”Heasks,lookingupfromhisphone “Yes,thatwouldbegreat,”Irespond,watchinghim.
Henodsandsendsatext Ishouldn’tbelookingathimlikethisoratall,really,butdamn,heissexyasfuck “Hecancomebywiththekeysinafewhours,”Alexanderconfirms. “Wow,thatwasfast,”Isaywithamusementandsurprise.
Alexanderputshisphoneinhispocketandleansover,pouringhimselfacupofcoffee “Iknow alotofpeople Itisnota problem.”
“Thankyou”
“Noproblem,”Alexandersays,pushingoffthecounterandreturningtothekitchen.
Ileanforwardandstartpickingapartthebreakfastinfrontofme.IknowIshouldlookatmyphone,butIamnotreadyyet.I don’tknowifIwilleverbereadyifIambeinghonestwithmyself.ButIwillhavetofacethemusicsometime.
Alexander and I followed his friend down the sidewalk. He wasn’t kidding when he said it was down the street, three houses,tobeexact.
Joshintroducedhimselfandshowedmethehouse Itisasmallone-bedroom,one-bath,rightonthebeach Nowthatitisjust me,Idon’tneedmuchroom.
“Ifyouneedanything,Ilivetwohousesdownthatway,”Joshsayswithasmileashehandsmethekeysandpointsdown towardthedirectionofhishouse.
“Thankyouagain.”
Henodsandwalksdownthethreestepstothesidewalk.Imakemywayontothedeckandleanforward,restingmyforearms onthe railingas Ilookout at the ocean. Ihave always wanted to live ina small townonthe beach, but it has never been somethingIcouldhavedone
ItakeadeepbreathasAlexandercomestomyside,leaningagainsttherailing.Hecrosseshisarmsoverhischestandlooks atthewaveswithme
“I’mgladyouarestaying,”hesayssoftly.
Ilookathim,andatthesametime,heturnsandlooksatme. Hiseyesaresogreen.Theyarebreathtaking.“Metoo,”Isaysoftly. Hemakesmenervous.Allofthismakesmenervous,buthavingaplacetofigureshitoutisprobablythebestthing. “Iwillbeatthetavernifyouneedme,”heoffers “Thankyou.”
“No problem, Bianca,” he says, pushingoffthe railing He gentlytouches mylower backas he walks by, takinghis salty smellwithhim.
Iaminsomuchtrouble.
“Here’s My Heart” bySayWeCanFly
walkbehindthelastfewpeoplewhoareexitingthebar IwouldbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tdisappointedshedidn’tshowup tonight,butsheprobablyhadabadhangoverfromlastnight.Shewaslookingprettyroughwhenwepartedways.Iwatched herforabitwhilesheunpackedthestufffromhercar.
Shehadnofurniture,noTV,nothingbutclothesandafewboxes Ihavenoideawhatwasinthem,andwhenIaskedifshe wantedmetostayandhelp,shesaidno.
Sheisasassylittleshit Ican’tfuckingfigureherout Sheisdifferentinthedaylightthanhow shewasatmybar,butthen again,shewasdrunk.Idon’tknow,butsheconfusesandintriguesmeandalsodrivesmeupthewallwithherlittleattitude. Sheisguarded,butshedoesn’tknow me,andIdon’tknow her.Iseehow shereactswheneverItouchher,andIknow her body.Iknowsomeofthewordsthatturnheron,andIknowhowshelookswhenshecomes.Imightnotknowtheothershit,but rightnow,thephysicalthingsIhaveseenanddonewithheraretakingmeoveranddrivingmebat-shitcrazy.
Sheisseriouslylikeafuckingdrug Ihavehadone-nightstandsbefore,butsheisdifferent Idon’tknowhoworwhy,butshe justis.
Ilockthefrontdoorsandmakemywaytothesidedoor Iseeherwalkingdownthebeach,holdingaflashlightinonehand andwhatlookslikeabookorsomethingintheother.
It’sfourinthemorning,andeveryone,includingher,shouldbeasleep.
Myheart races as I pushopenthe side door and walkout onthe deck. She is makingher wayto the small dockthat is betweenourhouses.
Ipull mysleevesuptomyelbowsasIheaddownthepathwaytothebeach Itisdarkasfuckouthere,butthelittlelights alongthepathallowmetoseealittlebit.IwatchhercloselyasshecontinuestoholdtheflashlightandwhatIamprettysureis abooknow ShewalkstotheedgeofthedockandsitsdownwithherfeethangingovertheedgeasIstepontothedock
HerheadisdownasshestartstosingasongIdon’tknow,andherheadrocksalittleasshekeepstheflashlightonthebook. Icomeupbehindherandstop,lookingdownatthebookinherhands.Shecontinuedsingingalongtoanothersong,unaware Iwasthere Ileandownandgentlytaphershoulder
“Holyfuck”shehollersasshequicklyturnsaroundandshepullstheearbudfromherear.“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasks, staringatme
“Iwasabouttoaskyouthesamequestion,”Ireplysoftly.
“Reading,you?”Sheasksinacuriousvoice
“Followingyou,”Isaywithoutfuckingthinking.Waytogo,stupid,fuck!
“That’snotstalkerbehavioratall,”shesaysassheclosesherbookandtakesoutherotherearbud.
IchuckleandshakemyheadasIunzipmyboots,removethemwithmysocks,andtakeaseatontheedgeofthedocknextto her.Shekeepstheflashlightpointingdownatthebook.
“Whatareyoureading?”Iask,lookingfromthebooktoher
Herhairisinamessybunagain,andsheiswearingadifferentsweatshirtandjoggers. “DenofVipers,”shesays,watchingme.
“Neverheardofit”
“It’saDarkRomance,”sheexplains.
“Awhat?”Iask,lookingintohereyes “Ummm,aromancewithdarkelementsinit.”
“Hmmmm,”Isaysoftlyasshecontinuestolookatme
“Youmakeitapointtogoforwalksreadingabookinthedark,”Iask,wantingtoknowmoreabouther. “Notreally,butIlikethesoundofthewaves,andthehouseisgreat,but-”Shestopsandtakesadeepbreath. “But?”Fuck!Sheislikefuckingcrack
Ineedtoknowwhatthefuckshewasgoingtosay.Givemesomething,baby,givemeanything.Fuck.
“Lonely,”shesayssoftly
She places the flashlightonher book, picks up her phone, and looks downatit. Ican’tsee much, butIcansee there are unreadmessagesandphonecalls
“Someoneismissingyou,”Iassess.
Sheshakesherhead.“No,justtheideaofme,”shesaysasshethrowsherphoneintotheocean.
Icanhearthepaininhervoice,thewallsaroundhertryingtokeepmeout Anormalmanwouldjustleaveitaloneandwalk away,butIamnotanormalman.Ifuckingpushboundaries,putmynosewhereitdoesn’tbelong,andIalwaysseemtogetin fuckingtroublewithwomen
Thefuck?
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Iwhisper. Sheturnsandlooksatme,“Youaskalotofquestions,Sir,”shesaysinanamusedbutguardedvoice. FuckIdon’tknowwhatitisabouthercallingmethat,butfuck,itdoessomethingstrangetome.Shegrabstheflashlightand thebookandstandsup Idothesame,feelingmyheartracewiththeideaofherwalkingaway “Itwasniceseeingyouagain,Alexander,”shesaysassheturnsandbeginstowalkaway,butIcan’t,Ifuckingcan’ttakeit.I reachoutandgrabherarm,pullinghertome
Shelooksupatme.“Whatareyoudoing?”Sheasksme,searchingmyeyes. Itiltmyheadtothesideandstudyherforamoment,thatisagoodfuckingquestion,andthetruthisIhavenoidea. Asmirkformsacrossmylips.“Everwantedtofuckastrangeronadock?” Shelaughsandshakesherhead.“Youarecrazy,”shesayswithasmile,eyesonme. “Hmmmm”
Maybethisismywayin.Shestartedthisgame,whateveritis.Ifwearebringingfantasiestolifetogether,whynotpickthis one?
Ihavealwayswantedtofucksomeoneearlyinthemorningonadockasthewaveswerecrashingaroundus.Don’taskme why, butithas beenonmyfantasylist, and Ihave never found someone Iwanted to do itwith. Now this beautiful fucking strangerinfrontofmehastakenmeover,hasfuckingmademecraveherasIhavenevercravedanotherwomanbefore Ifshe candothisbyjustbeingsassyandfuckingmeinaparkinglot,Icanonlyimaginewhatitwouldfeelliketobelovedbyher. “Afantasyofyours?”Sheasksme,pullingmeoutofmythoughts
“Maybe,”Iwhisper.
Igrabtheflashlightandbookfromherhandsandleandown,placingthemonthedock Istandup,walkintoher,andgrabher bythethroat,pullingherintome.
“Weshouldn’tdothis,”shewhispers.
“Agreed,”Iwhisperback “Iamnotreadyforanythingserious,”shesayssoftly.
“Idonotwantanythingserious,butIdowantyou,”Ireply “Physical,thatisall,”shesays,searchingmyeyes.
Inod “Thatisall,”Isay,leaningin,mylipsalmosttouchinghers Sheslowlynods,andIpressmylipstohers.HerbodymeltsagainstmineasIreachbetweenusandunbuttonandunzipmy pants. She grabs the top of her sweatpants and pushes themdownwithher underwear. We breakawayfor a moment, both removingourbottoms
Igrabontoherthroatagainandbegintolowerdownontomyknees.Shegetsontopofme,restingherkneesonthedock.She liftsalittle,justenoughformetograbmycockandplacetheheadatherentrance “Onlyphysical,Alexander,”shereiterates. “Onlyphysical,Bianca,”Ireplyasshesinksdownonmycock.
Ismashmylips backonto hers, and she opens for me, allowingmytongue to enter. Agrowl escapes me as she grabs my shoulder withone hand and places her hand onmychestwithher other, and begins to move up and downonmycock. She
moansasherpussywrapstightlyaroundmycock. Fucksheisintoxicating.
Ipull back, breakthe kiss, and grab onto her hips as she continues to ride mycock She is so fuckingbeautiful Ileanin, kissingherneck,andsherollsherhipsasshecontinuestoridemycock.Thewayherpussyisflutteringaroundmetellsmeshe isalmostthere Myballsstarttotightenasshecontinuestotakewhatsheneedsfromme,makingmyeyesrollintothebackof myhead.Ibitedownonherneckasshescreamsmyname,herpussylockssotightaroundmeshepullsmeovertheedgewith her She continues to slowlyride mycock, until we bothhave started to come down. She sits up withme still inside her and looksdownatme.
“Youaresuchabadgirl,”Iwhisper Thetasteofsweatandbloodlingersonmylipsandtongue
Our rapid breathingmixes withthe sound ofthe waves. Isitup, holdingher againstme as Irestmyforehead againsther neck Herheartisbeatingfastaswebothtrytocatchourbreath Ipullbackandlookoverherface Hereyesmeetmine.“Fuck,wheredidyoucomefrom?”Iasksoftly. Shedoesn’trespond,butIcanseethedesireandlustinhereyes Itightenmygriponherhips,liftheroffofmycock,and thenforceusbothtostandup.Webothleandown,grabbingour underwear andpants.Shedoesn’tsayanythingtomeaswe bothgetdressed.
Igrabtheflashlightandbookfromthedockandgentlyhandthemtoher Shegrabsthem,pinningthemtoherchest Sheopens hermouthtosaysomething,butinstead,shelooksatmeforanothersecond,thenturnsaroundandbeginsmakingherwayupthe docktowardsherhouse
Mysterythatiswhatsheis,amystery,apuzzleIwanttoputbacktogether.ButIhaveafeelingsheisn’tgoingtoletme,not yet.
Physical,Icandothat.Ihavealwaysbeengoodatthephysical,butsomethinginsidemetellsmephysicalisnotwhatIwant fromher.
Fuck IrunmyhandsthroughmyhairasIwatchherdisappearintotheblacknessofthenight
“Demons” byJacobLee
hefirstweekherehasbeennothingbutablur.Igotanewphoneandtextedmyfriends,lettingthemknowIwasokay.They areworriedaboutme,andIdon’tblamethem.TheywantedtoknowwhereIwas,andItoldthembecauseIcouldn’tkeep anythingfromthem Theyhavetherighttoknow
Iworryabouthimfindingout,buthonestly,Idon’tthinkhewouldcomehere.Healwayssaidhecouldadapttoanysituation, andIamafraidthatisthesameformeleavinginthemiddleofthenight Iknowheisangry,butIalsoknowheisaproudman Hewillstayatthehouseanddealwithhisemotions,likealways,bynotshowingthematall.
ItakeadeepbreathasIsitbackinthechairandlookovertheadsforatherapist Luckily,thereareplentyofremotejobsI amqualifiedfor.Ihavealreadyappliedforfiveofthem.Now,IjusthavetowaittoseeifIgetanycallsback.
Iswitchto the other blankscreeninWord and starttypingwhatIhave keptinside for years. Idon’tknow ifIwill ever actuallypublishwhatIamabouttowrite,butIthinkitis timetotell mystoryandshow peoplethatthereis another sideof domesticviolencethatsometimespeopleforgetabout.
Myhusbandwasnotphysicallyabusive Itwasallmental,emotional,andpsychological,buttome,ithasbeenmorehurtful inaspects thanhad itbeenjustbruises and brokenbones. Ihave beeninthose situations as well. The bruises fade, and the bones heal,buttheinternal wounds remainunseenandcanfester intowounds thatnever heal.Theyendupbeingdeepscars forevertoremindusofwhatwehavelivedthrough.
Itellmyclientsallthetimetowritedowntheirfeelings.IthinkitistimeItookmyownadvice,evenifitisjustforme. Ihavegoneoutonthetownseveraltimes,butnotenoughtoknowwhereeverythingis Ireallyneedtogetfood,morecoffee, andenergydrinks,whichmeansIneedtogooutinpublicandbeanadult.
Fuckme
IsitbackinthechairandrereadthewordsIhavewritten.Ihaven’twrittenasmuchasIwantedto,butitwillhavetodofor now.Maybegoingoutandgettingsomefreshairwilldomegood.
Istandupandstretch,sliponmyflip-flops,grabmybook,andslideitintomybag.Fortunately,everythinginthistownis withinwalkingdistanceofmyhouse.Itwillgivememoretimetoreadandescapemyself.Islowlymakemywaytothedoor andgrabthedoorhandle,takingadeepbreath
“Everything I do is for you. I work my ass off for you so we can have nice things,” he says through gritted teeth. “I know, I know you do,” I reply, trying to keep him calm
“Then why do you act ungrateful?” He asks in that tone. The tone that tells me he is annoyed and not happy with me. It is a tone I have become accustomed to hearing from him for a while now.
“I don’t,” I respond quietly
“You do. It seems like nothing I do is good enough for you. What do you want from me, Bianca?” He asks his voice stern
I stay silent because I know that nothing I say at this moment will make this any better, so I say the only thing I can. “I’m sorry ”
“Don’t be sorry, just listen to me I don’t just tell you things to tell you things I am trying to protect you, ” he states as he sits on the couch and once again grabs his phone.
I sit back and feel the tears slowly start to fall from my eyes and roll down my face He doesn’t look at me again, so I turn my face and pretend to watch the show he put on for us to watch.
I go over his words in my head; maybe he is right Maybe I am acting ungrateful I don’t mean to I just want I don’t know what I want: us to stop fighting and for us to be on the same page. But we have been on different pages for a long time
IopenmyeyesandquicklywipethetearsfrommycheeksasIturnthedoorknobandwalkoutside,closingthedoorbehind me. Iwalkdownthe few steps onto the sidewalkand head towards the maingrocerystore. Iopenmybookand hope Ican escape Ireallyneedtoescape
Imakemywaydownthislastaisle Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesIhavewalkedupanddowntheseaisles Ihateshopping whenIamhungry,buteverythinglooksgood,andIwanteverything.
Istand infrontofthe frozenpizza sectionuntil Ifind whatIamlookingfor Iopenthe door and grab three frozencheese pizzas.IclosethedoorandquicklywalkpastalltheothershitthatIwantbutdon’twant.Fuck,Iamamess. Iapproachthefirstopenregisterandbegintounloadmybasket.Iwatchastheniceladyscanseverythingandslowlyhands meeachitemsoIcanputitinmybag ShegivesmemytotalasIputthethirdenergydrinkintomybagandhandthewomanmy money.
Shesmilesandhandsmemychange “Ihopeyouhaveagoodday,”shesayssoftly “Thankyou.Ihopeyoudoaswell,”IreplywithasmileIknowdoesn’tquitereachmyeyes,butIamtrying. WhenIwalkoutofthefrontdoors,Iopenmybagandgrabmybook IlookupandseeAlexanderleaningagainsthistruck, talkingtoawoman.Sheisblonde,tallerthanme,wearingheelsandadress.
ItightenmygriponmybookasIwatchthem.Fromthelooksofhisstiffbodyandthescowlonhisface,heisannoyedby her,butfromherbodylanguage,sheisnotgettingit Sheliftsherhandandplacesitonhischest,inthesamespotmyhandwas aboutaweekagowhenwefuckedonthedock.Myheartracesashegrabsherwristandforceshertoremoveherhand.She laughsandshakesherhead,smackinghimonthechest
Idon’tgetit,butwhatever.
Sheturnsandwalksawayfromhim.Hewatchesheruntilshegetstohercar,thenturnstothedriver’sdoor,andthat’swhen oureyesconnect.Ilookdown,needingtobreaktheeyecontact.Evenfromthisfaraway,hiseyesareintense.Everythingabout thisstrangerisintense.
ItakeadeepbreathasIlookupandturntowardthesidewalkthatwillleadmebacktomyrentalhouse Ihearhimcallout myname,butstoppingisprobablynotthebestidea,soIkeepwalking.Irunacrossthestreet,pickingupmypace.Ikeepmy eyesforwardasIcountthehousesasIpassthem AfterIcancrossthestreet,thereareonlysevenhousesuntilIreachmine I’mstuckwaitingforthestupidasslittleperson’sgreenlighttoturnonwhenatruckpullsinfrontofme,blockingmyview ofthewalkinggreenperson.IlookintothetruckandseeAlexander.HiseyesareonmeasIhearthebeepingstartingtogooff. Iwalkinfrontofhisvehicleandcrossthestreetwithoutacknowledginghim.Ihearthetruckdooropenandfootstepsbehind me.Hegrabsmyarm,stoppingmeasIreachtheotherside.
“Bianca,”hesays,tryingtogetmetolookathim Myheartisracingtohearhimsaymynameatall Iturnand lookathim. His eyes are searchingmine. Isee worryinhis eyes and somethingelse, somethingthatprobably shouldn’tbethere
“Shewasmyex,”heconfesses. “What?”Iask,butIknowwhatheistalkingabout. Itisnoneofyourbusiness,Bianca,noneofyourbusiness Stayinyourownlane Youarenotstayingherelong “Thewomanyousawismyex,”heexplains,tryingtoreassureme.
“Youdon’thavetoexplainyourselftome,”Itellhim,hearingmyvoicecrackattheend “IknowIdon’t,butIwantto,”hesaysashesearchesmyeyes.Hisscentconsumesme,hiseyesparalyzeme,andwhenever he touches me, all Iwantto do is meltinto him He is a walkingred flag All the signs are there, butfor the life ofme, no
matterwhatIfuckingtellmyself,Iamstilldrawntohim,likeabeetofuckinghoney “Alexander,itisfine.It’sallgood,”Isay,shrugging.Idon’tknowwhatelsetosayordorightnow.
Hestandsstillforamoment,thenreleasesmyarm “Doyouwantaride?”Heaskscalmly,buthisbreathingisstillunsteady Ishakemyhead.“No,I’mgood.”
“Whydoyoudothat?”Heasks “What?”
Hewaveshishandupanddownme “What?”Iaskagain “Whatyouaredoingrightnow?”Hesays,lookingmeoveragain. “Idon’tknowwhatyouwantfromme,”Iconfesstohim.
Hedoesn’trespond,juststareswithhisreallyintense,fuckinggorgeousgreeneyes “WhatamIdoing,Alexander?”Iask Hestilldoesn’tsayanything.Itakeadeepbreath.“Itisnoneofmybusinesswhoyouaretalkingto,”Iexplain,shruggingmy shoulders
Hetiltshisheadtotheside.HehasdonethisthelastfewtimesIhaveseenhim,andfuck,eachtimehedoes,helookssexy asfuck Hishairfallsintohisface,likeoffofafuckingromancemovie
He sighs as Istepforward,puttingsome distance betweenus.“Have a goodday,Alexander,” Isayas Iturnandcontinue towardmyhouse.
“Fuck!”Ihearhimyellasheslamshistruckdoor
Okay, maybe I ambeing a little complicated, but we are not together. We are strangers, and soon I will be moving on. Keepingemotionsoutofitisthebestthing,plusitshouldn’tmatterwhatwomanheistalkingto Itisnotmybusiness
“Twisted Love” byAryia
The music is blaring, and everyone is laughingand drinking, and all Icanthinkaboutis whatshe said ‘It is none of my business.’
Thefuckitain’t.
“Youokay,Alex?”Joshasks,walkingovertomysideasIpouranotherdrinkforoneofthecustomers “Yes.”
“Youareabadliar,man,”hesays “Dropit,Josh,”IsayasIturnandlookathim.
“Okay,Iamdroppingit,”hesays,puttinghishandsupandmakingmesmile.
Iplacethedrinkonthecounter,watchthewomantakeit,andfollowherman.Iturnwhenthefrontdoorsopen,andmyheart stopsforamomentwhenBiancawalksin.Herhairisdownandcurled,whichIhaven’tseenherdoyet.Sheiswearingapair ofblackleggingsandatanktop,herblackglassesonceagainmakingherwholefacepop,especiallyhereyes
She makes her waytowards the bar andstops infrontofme,leaningforward,her eyes lockedwithmine.“Iamsorryfor earlier,”shesaysloudenoughsothatIcanhearoverthenoisybar
“It’sfine,don’tworryaboutit,”Isay,lookingintohereyes. “Wanttohaveadrinkwithme?”Sheasks. Ishakemyhead.“Ican’trightnow.Maybelater.” Iseethedisappointmentinhereyes,butshenods. “Whatareyouhaving?”Iaskher “Vodkasoda,please.”
Iquicklymakeherdrinkandplaceitinfrontofher Shehandedmeatenandthenwalkedoffintothecrowd Motherfuckman.
I take a deep breathand lookover at Josh, who is talkingto another girl. Shakingmyhead, I turned around and started wipingdownthebackcounter,doingeverythingIcouldtokeepfromturningaroundandwatchingBianca
I don’t know what the hell this push-and-pull thing is, but if she is trying to drive me insane and up the wall, she is succeeding I do not playgames, but it has always beenme who has beenplayed This new game she and I have goingis differentthanwhenmyexes cheatedonme or playedwithmyemotions.Bianca has beenupfrontfromthe start.She doesn’t wantanythingmorethanphysical,andIwanttobethatforher,butIamafraidmyemotionsarestartingtogetintheway
