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PleaseRead Shoutout

1.Bianca

2 Alexander

3.Bianca

4 Alexander

5.Bianca

6 Alexander

7.Bianca

8.Alexander

9 Bianca

10.Alexander

11 Bianca

12.Alexander

13 Bianca

14.Alexander 15.Bianca

16 Alexander 17.Bianca

18 Alexander 19.Bianca

20.Alexander

21.Bianca

22.Alexander

23 Bianca

24.Alexander

25 Bianca

26.Alexander

27.Bianca

28.Alexander

29.Alexander

AboutTheAuthor

ThankYou

AtMyWorst

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinorintroducedintoaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans(electronic,recording,or otherwise)withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisherorauthor,exceptfortheuseofquotationsinareview,andaspermittedbyUS CopyrightLaw

Theunauthorizedreproductionordistributionofcopyrightedworkisillegal Criminalcopyrightinfringement,includinginfringementwithoutmonetarygain,isinvestigatedby theFBIandispunishablebyfinesandfederalimprisonment Pleasepurchaseonlyauthorizedelectroniceditionsanddonotparticipateinorencouragetheelectronicpiracyofcopyrightedmaterials Yoursupportoftheauthor’srights isappreciated

Thisisaworkoffiction Names,characters,places,brands,media,andincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously Any resemblancetoactualevents,locales,orpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental

Formatting/Development/Editor:MelonyStaab AuthorAssistant/Development/AlphaReader:KayleaFink

Editor:BriArbelaez

Illustrator:BretnieShepherd

Coverby:TheAuthorBuddy

Hello,MyFellowReaders, ThisisaDarkTwistedHealingRomance. Thisbookdivesrightinfromthestart.Somethingswithinthisbookmighttriggerandbeuncomfortableforsomereaders. Please remember thatthis bookdoes notfollow the rules This bookis heavyonsmut, whichhappens veryearlyinthese pages.

PleasebeADVISEDtheconnectionbetweenthecharactersisPHYSICAL,whichmeansitisBASEDonSEX!!!!!! This bookcontains some themes and topics that maybe hard for some to handle. Please make sure that youread all the warningsatthebeginningofthisbook yourmentalhealthmatters

ThisisaDARKTwistedHealingRomance

Sexualscenesinclude:BreatheandAnalPlay PraiseKink Exhibitionism DominantandSubmissiveSexualBehavior

Pleasedonotusethisbookasaguideforsexualfantasies.

Thisbookhasdarkelementsandthemes,includingemotional,psychological,andmentalabuseflashbacksintheformof dreamsordaydreams Otherdarkthemesandelements:Alcoholuse,foullanguage,andgaslighting(inflashbacksnotby MMC).

Veryobsessive,possessive,andjealousMMC.

Pleaserememberthatallsexualbehaviorsbetweenthemainfemalecharacter(FMC)andthemainmalecharacter(MMC)are consensual,evenifitdoesnotlookthatway.

ThisisanFM(Female,male)typeofromance.

Thisbookisfiction.Iwanttomakeitclear.Idonotcondoneanythingthathappensinthisbook.

Pleaseusecaution.Youknowyourselfbest.

Itisadvisedthatthisbookisformatureadultsovertheageof18.

Lastly,Iwantedtomentionthatmywritingstyleisdifferent Idonotfocusontheoutsideworldfromthecharacters Iwrite fromtheirPOV,andalotofwhathappensisfromtheirperspectiveandwrittenintheirinternalmonologues.Pleasebeaware thatthisisonpurpose

Rememberthatyouarereadingaboutapossessive,controlling,andjealousMMCandanMFCwhohavebeenthroughtrauma. Sometimes,theirthoughtswillberepetitiveandmaysoundcrazyornotmakesense

Idonotwriteperfectcharacters IwritethemasIseetheminmyhead,includinghowtheythink,behave,andwhattheysay internally.

Thesecharacters’loveisTABOO,whichmeansthatitmightnotmakesensetothereader.

Thingshappenquicklyandinaveryshortamountoftime.Thisbookisbasedonthesexualconnectionanddesirebetweenthe charactersandisnotfocusedontheworldaroundthem.

Kay-AuthorAssistant/Development/AlphaReader: Wheretobegin.Youhavebeensuchanamazing,strongfoundationfor me ThankyouforbeingmyNorthStarandwalkingsidebysidewithmethroughthiscrazymadnesscalledlife Iappreciate youforallthehardworkyouputintobeingmyAAandtakingthetimetoreadmybooks.Thankyousomuchforallofyour suggestions Iwantyoutoknowthatyouareappreciated Thankyouforbeingyou

Mel-Formatting/Development/Editor:Thankyousomuchforeverythingthatyoudo.Thankyouforgoingthroughthiscrazy processwithme Iappreciateyouforallthelonghours,hardwork,andphonecallsandforfallinginlovewithmystoriesas muchasIhave.

MyARC/StreetTeam:Youareallsoamazing Thankyouforsigningup,promoting,reviewing,andalwaysbeingwillingto readmycrazystories.

Toallmyreaders:Thankyousomuchfortakingachanceandreadingmybooksanddivingintomycrazy,dark,smutty romanceworld.Iappreciateallofyouandcouldnothavemademydreamarealitywithoutyou.

BretnieShepherd:Thankyouforbeingyou,forstayingupuntil4am withmeonthephone,listeningtomycraziness,and helpingmecomeupwithmorecrazy-assideas.Thankyouforbeingmyillustrator;youareabsolutelyamazing.Iappreciate yousomuch

KarenProsser:Forbeingmybestfriend,mysoundboard Thankyouforalwaysbeingwillingtolistentoallofmynewideas formybooks,givingmenewideas,andhelpingmewiththecharacternames.Icouldn’thavedonethiswithoutyou.Thankyou forbeingyou.

SunflowerDowner:Foralwaysbeingthereforme,makingmelaugh,andencouragingmetofollowmydreams.Thankyoufor believinginmeandalwaysbeingtherewhenIneedyou.

W.S.:Youknowwhoyouare.Thankyouforbeingoneofmybiggestfans.Forhelpingmewithcoverideas,booktitleideas, characternames,andplotsandforkeepingmeontrack.Thankyouforencouragingmetocontinuetofollowmydreams.

JamieWilliams:Youaresoamazing.Thankyouforallofyoursupport,forbeinginspirational,andforbelievinginme.Thank youforbeingmyfriend.

TheAuthorBuddy:Thankyouforthe3-Dgraphics,allofthenewcovers,andforgoingonthiscrazyridewithme.

BriArbelaez:Thankyouforallyoudo Thereissomuchyoudointhebackground Iappreciateyou

“The Devil is a Gentleman” byMerciRaines “@ my worst” byblackbear “Hurts Like Hell” byTommeeProfittfeat.Fleurie “Kiss Me Again” byHENRY

“I’m Yours” byIsabelLaRosa “Darkside” byNeoni “War Is Love” byBobiAndonov “One Mississippi” byZaraLarsson “Too Far Gone” byHiddenCitizensfeat.SVRCINA “Dynasty” byMIIA

“Paint It, Black” byCiara “I See Red” byEveryoneLovesAnOutlaw “Rescue” byLaurenDaigle “Parachute” byKyndalInskeep&SongHouse “Devil Side” byFoxes “love me ” byExHabit “Infinity” byJaymesYoung “Guilty” byBobiAndonov “Here’s My Heart” bySayWeCanFly “Dangerous Hands” byAustinGiorgio “FU In My Head” byCloudyJune “Power” byIsakDanielson “Love Me Wrong” byIsakDanielson “Alkaline” bySleepToken “Every Breath You Take” byChaseHolfelder “The Devil Within” byDigitalDaggers “Take It Out On Me” byBohnes “Demons” byJacobLee “The Death Of Peace Of Mind” byBadOmens “Be My Queen” bySeafret “Twisted Love” byAryia “If I Showed You” byHenryVerus “Author” byJacobLee “Beautiful Trauma” byP!nk

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2dYkVDGJt8LiUFTuAxmosp?

si=0wm5uiSJQmGG8x2bVxzs5g&pi=u-8H1W1yruSxWz

HelloDarkRomanceLovers, Insidethesepages,IusethewordsFuckandFuckingALOT Theyare,infact,twoofmyfavoritewords Iwanttoinform youthatthewordsFuck,Fucking,andanyotherlovelycusswordsIusearenotusedfordramaticeffect.Thisisthewayme andmycharacterstalk.

Thisbookgivesyouaninsiderviewofwhatitisliketobeemotionally,psychologically,andmentallyabusedbysomeone whopromisedtheylovedherandhowthejourneyofhealingcanbetwisted,overwhelming,andscary.

Thisbookhasflashbacksofabusivesituationsintheformofflashbacksordaydreams(thesearesmall glimpsesofcertain situations).

Thisbookwill follow thestoryofawomanwholeftherabusivehusbandinthemiddleofthenightandtriedtostartover somewherenew.

Pleasebeadvisedthatthisbookisheavyontrauma,abuse,andhealing.PleasekeepinmindthattheFMC’swayofhealing mightappeartobetaboo,butthatisthewaysheheals.

Domesticviolenceisaveryrealanddangerousthingthatmanypeoplegothrough.

Ifyouorsomeoneyouknowisinasituationlikethis,pleaseknowthatyouarenotalone Thenumberbelowisthehotlinenumberandthechat.Thereissomeonetherewhowilllistenandhelpyou.

1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or

ThisisforallyouGoodGirlsouttherewholoveafast,fast,fastburn. TotheGoodGirlswhohaveeverfelttheyneededtochangeforamanorfeltliketheywerebeingshamedfortheirsexual fantasies

ThisisfortheGoodGirlswholoveamanwhowouldbringalltheirsexualdesirestolifewithoutshame. Thisbookdoesnotfollowtherules Thisbookbringstabootoawholenewlevel. Thisbookcrossesthelinesandmakesnologicalsense,butguesswhat?Lovedoesn’tneedtomakesensetoanyoneelse WelcometotheworldofAlexanderOrtiz,themanthatfuckswithoutregret. Thesexy,tattooed,possessive,no-boundarieskindofman. ThemanwhoisnotafraidtoremindyouthatyoucanbehisBadGirlandhisGoodGirl

Don’tworrybooboo,itisokay,justturnthepage, Alexanderiswaitingforyou.

“FU In My Head” byCloudyJune

Myanxietyhasbeeninoverdriveall daylong Ihaven’tbeenabletostoppacingorcrying ThisissomuchharderthanI thought it was goingto be. It shouldn’t be this hard to walkaway, but I can’t do it anymore after tenyears of trying, begging,andpleadingtobeloved.Talkingdoesn’twork.Makingpromisesthatthingswillbedifferentdoesn’twork. Nothingseemstowork

IfIstay, Iwill continue to feel alone, unhappy, and notgood enough. Idon’twantto live mylife like this anymore, even thoughIlovemyhusband Idon’tthinkhelovesme,notinthewayIdohim Ithinkheisinlovewiththeideaofme,ofus,butwhenitcomesdowntoit,heisn’thappy.Hejustwon’tadmitittohimself orme.

Hetoldmewhenwegotmarriedthatitwasforlife,andthatday,Ibelievedwewouldbetogetherforever.IneverthoughtI wouldbetheonetoleave,butIdidn’thaveachoice.

Ihave to be the one to walkaway Ihave to be the one to do this for myselfbecause ifIdon’t, Iwill remainhere inthis loveless,roommatemarriage,andslowly,itwillkillme.

ItakeadeepbreathasIlookattheclock Myhusbandshouldbeatworkbynow Hewon’tcheckin Heneverdoes Heis busy,andIlearnednottobotherhimatworkbecausehegetsannoyed.

Iguesstonightitisagoodthingheislikethat.HewillhavenoideathatIhaveleft,notuntilhegetshome,andevenafter that,hewon’t,notreally.HewillthinkIamatwork.Hewon’tknowanythinguntilIamsupposedtobehome.Hewillwaita fewhours,thencallme,andthatiswhenhewillfindoutIleft.

TheonlythingsIamtakingaremybooksandmyclothes Hecankeepeverythingelse Idon’twantit

Igrabmylastbagfromthetableandslowlylookaroundtheroomonelasttime.MyheartisracingsofastasIwalktothe frontdoor,andwhenIgrabthedoorknob,Ifeelthefirsttearrolldownmyface Ifeellikeanungratefulbitch,abrat. IfeellikeIamgoingfuckingcrazy.

Ishakemyhead,swipethetearsfrommyface,andturnthedoorknob

Slingingmybagovermyshoulder,Iwalkoutthedoor, lockingitbehindmeanddownthestepstomycar.Iplacethelastbaginthepassengerseat.MyhandsaretremblingasIclimb intothedriver’sseatandtakeonemorelookatthehousethatlookssobeautifulandperfectontheoutside Butontheinside,it waslonelyandempty.

Twopeoplewhosharedthehouseandthebillslivedinthishouse,buteverythingelsewasseparate Idon’tknowwhenwegottothepointwherewewereperfectlyfinewithbeingwithouttheother.Buthereweare,hereIam, staringatthehouseIthoughtIwouldbehappyin,butifIamhonestwithmyself,Ihaven’tbeenhappyinalongtime. Webecamegoodatlyingtoourselves,convincingourselves thatwewereoverreactingor thatthingsweren’tthatbigofa deal.

Butitis abigdeal

IinhaledeeplyasIbackoutofthedriveway.Exhaling,Iputthecarindriveandheadoutoftheneighborhood,disappearing intotheblackness.

Idon’tknowwhereIamgoingorwhatIamgoingtodo AllIknowisthatIneedtofindaplacewhereIfeelaliveagainand canfindandbemyselfagain.

“Don’t say you are sorry. You always say you are sorry, but then you do it again,” he says disgustingly. I stand still in front of him, feeling my heart pound against my rib cage I don’t mean to do things that upset him It is not like I do them on purpose, but it doesn’t change the fact that he thinks I do.

“What do you want me to say then?” I finally asked, looking into his angry eyes I hate that look that deeming, look down on you I am disappointed look. I hate it.

“Just do what you say you ’ re going to do,” he says before he turns around, and I watch him leave the kitchen I try to do what I say He takes things to a whole new level and freaks out over small things, things I don’t see as a big deal.

He says we are fine, but I know we aren’t because of how he acts So I ask him over and over again until he tells me, and then he loses his shit.

This is a never-ending cycle, and I don’t have the energy to fight with him today I am tired and have a lot to do The best thing for the both of us right now is to be apart until we both calm down.

Islowlyopenmyeyesandwipethetearsaway.IhatethatIcrysomuch.Iseemtocryabouteverythinglately,butmaybeit isjustmymindtryingtounderstandwhatishappeningbecauseIhavenoidea Iturnandlookoutmywindow.Icanhearandseetheoceanwaveslappingattheshoreline.IhavenoideawhattimeIpulled over,butIcouldn’tkeepmyeyesopenanymore Islowlysitupstraightandgrabthesteeringwheel.Iwatchasthesuncomesupoverthewaves.Itisabreathtakingsight.I can’ttellyouhowlongithasbeensinceIhaveseentheoceanorsmeltthesaltyair,butitisrefreshing Ilookdownatmyphone.Therearenonewmessagesormissedcalls.Igrabmyphoneandwalletandgetoutofthecar. Ilookup whenIhear squawkingabove me and tightlywrap myarms around myself. Lookingto myright, Isee a tavern painted onthe side ofthe buildinginbigblue and white letters;itsays, “The RockyShore Tavern,” whichis fittingfor an oceantown.Theparkinglotisfilledwithcars,whichIhopemeanstheyhavegoodfood.WhenIpulledinherelastnightor thismorning,whateveryouwanttocallit,theparkinglotwasdark,andnoonewashere

HowlonghadIbeenasleep?

Ilookbackdownatmyphoneandseethatit’sjustafterseveninthemorning,sonotlongenough,Icantellyouthat. Itakeadeepbreathasmystomachmakesaloudandannoyingsound.

Ilookbackatthe waves andtake another deepbreath,lettingthe saltyair fill mylungs as Iclose myeyes.Idon’tthinkI haveanytearsleft,atleastnotrightnow

Mybodyissoreandbeyondtired,butIneedfood.IhavenoideawhattownIamin,butIknowIamnowinWashington. Icantakealittletimeandgetsomethingtoeat,andthenIwillgetbackontheroadandseewhereittakesme ThefartherI getfrommyoldlife,thebetter.

“The Death Of Peace Of Mind” byBadOmens

canhearpeopleoutintherestaurantlaughingandtalking Therewasalineatthedoorthismorning,whichisagoodthing Weneedthemoneytokeepthisplaceopen.

LastIcheckedonPops,hewaspassedoutonthecouchathome,andfromwhatIcantell,hedownedawholebottlelast night Itiseasiertostayhereatthetavern,soIdon’thavetodealwiththatmessrightnow Ihavetoomanythingsthatneedto betakencareof.Mypopscanwait.Hewill befine.Hewill sleepitoffandcomestumblingintonightwhenheknowsitis happyhour

“Xander,” I hear someone yell at the door. I would know that voice anywhere. Josh. He pulls me from my imploding, depressingthoughts,justlikehealwayshas.

“What?”Iyellback.

“Goodmorning,Sunshine,”hesaysatmyside.

“Itiswaytooearlyforyoutobethishappy,”IsaycalmlyasIwatchtheeggs “Itiscalledsleep,man.Youshouldtryit,”hesaysjokingly.Icanfeelhiseyesonme. Ismileandshakemyhead;crazyass,dude “Getyourassoutthereandbussometablesforme”Ipointouttothecrowded restaurant.

“Yes,Sir,”Joshsaysashesmilesandwalksouttheswingingdoors.

Ifillfourplateswitheggs,pancakes,bacon,andsidesofgravy,putitonthecounterundertheheatlamps,andringthebell. “Coming,”Joshsayswithamusement.

Joshstopsinfrontoftheopeningandgrabsallfourplates Istandstill,staringathim Henodsandgivesmeawink Stupid.Ilaugh,shakemyhead,andmoveontothenextsetofplates.Ihearthebellringoverthedoor.

“Joshy,”Iscream

Hedoesn’tanswer asIloadupthenextsetofplates,putthemonthecounter,andpushopentheswingingdoor.Igrabmy orderpadandstopinfrontofthebar,readytotakethenewcomer’sorder,butwhenIlookup,myheartfuckingstops. Apairofbrowneyeslockedwithmineforamoment,andthenshequicklylookedaway Shesitsdownattheendofthebar, settingdownherphoneandwallet.

“Whothefuckisthat?”Joshasksinmyear Ipushhimawayandmotionforhimtotaketheotherplates.

Islowlymakemywayovertothewoman Shelooksdownatherphone,thensetsitdownandgrabsthemenu Istopinfront ofher.Her longblackhairispulledupinamessybun,andtheblackglassessheiswearingmakeherbrowneyespopeven more.Iquicklylookherover.Sheiswearingablacksweatshirtandjoggers.

“CanIgetyousomecoffee?”Iaskhersoftly Shelooksupfromthemenuandnods.“Thankyou,”shesayssoftlyasshelooksbackdownatthemenu.

Mostpeoplewanttositintherestaurantpart,butsomelikethebar Idon’tstartservingalcoholuntilten,butsomewillstay

eatandwaitforthetimetocome.

Iturnaround,grabamug,andquicklypouracupasIlookoveratJosh.Heisleaningonthetable,watchingme.Hesmilesat meandnods Hehasalwaysbeenagoofball,thelifeoftheparty Heisalsomybestfriendandtheonlyonewhoreallyknows meandmylife.Idon’ttrustmany,buthehasearnedit.

Iturnbackaroundwiththecupofcoffeeandmakemywaybackovertothegirl Shehassetdownthemenuandissitting backinherseat,lookingoverthedifferentbottlesofbooze.

Isetthecoffeeinfrontofher,bringingherattentionbacktome “Doyouknowwhatyouwant?”Iask,watchingherclosely I haveneverseenherfacebefore.

“Pancakesandscrambledeggs,please,”sheresponds,keepinghereyesonme.

Inodandturnbackaround Joshisstillstaringatme,makingmeshakemyhead Ipushopentheswingingdoorsandwalk back.

Onesetofpancakesandeggscomingup

ThemusiccontinuestoplayasIpourafewmoredrinksandsettheminfrontofthetwopeoplesittingatthebar Ilookover atJosh,andheis talkingtoanother girl.Idon’tknow whichonethis is,andIhavehonestlylostcount.Ilook overinthecornerboothwherePopshasbeenforhours,anditlookslikehe’salreadypassedout ItakeadeepbreathandshakemyheadasIscanoverthepeopleandstoponthegirlinthecorner,thesamegirlfromthis morning.

Sheisinthecornerbyherself Herhairisstillupinabun,butshehaschangedherclothes Sheiswearingablacktanktop, showingofftheinkthatcoversherarmsandchest.

I stand straight and slowlyleave behind the bar, keepingmyeyes onher as she stumbles towards the bathroom I move throughthecrowdofpeopleandfindherleaningagainstthewallinthehallwayhalfwaytothebathroom. Irestmyhandonthewallbesideherhead Sheislookingdownatherphone “Areyouokay?’Iasksoftly Shequicklyturnsandlooksatme.Shestumblesbackalittle,butIgrabherarm,pullinghertometokeepherfromfalling. “Yes,”shesaysasIreleaseherarm.Sheputsherphoneintoherbackpocket,andhereyesstayonme. Sheisdrunk “Yousure?”Iask,lookingoverherface Sheisbeyondtrashed Shenods.“Yes,Sir,”shesays,andmyheartracesalittlewithhermoniker. “Whatisyourname?”Iask,tiltingmyheadtogetabetterviewofher Sheshakesherhead.“No,wearen’tdoingthat.” “Doingwhat?”Iask,alittleconfused. “Names,”sheslurs.

“Okay.”

“I’mgonnago,”shesaysasshepushesoffthewall andwalksaroundme Iturnslightly,watchingher stumblethroughthe crowdtowardstheexit.

Fuckme

Iturnandfollowbehindher,pushingthroughthepeople. IstopforamomentnexttoJosh.“Watchthebar.” “Igotyou,”hesayswithamusementasthegirlwhisperssomethingintohisear. Icontinue to follow behind the woman. She pushes openthe doors and walks outside. She stopped momentarilyand then continuedwalking,stumblingdownthetwostepsandintotheparkinglot Ifollowcloselybehindherasshestopsatacarandpullsoutherkeys. Ireacharoundherandtakethekeysfromher Sheturnsandlooksupatme “Hey,thosearemine” “Noshit,youaren’tdriving,though,”Isay,watchingherclosely. Hereyesnarrowonme.“Iamnot.Ineedthemtogetinmycar.” “Nodriving,”Isaycalmly

Shereachesuptograbthem,butIputthemjustoutofreach. “Whatisyourname?”Iaskagain Sheshakesherheadandcrossesherarmsoverherchest,sassylittlething. Ilowermyarmandputherkeysintomypocket Shewalksintome,loweringherarms,nowchesttochest,andIcanfeelher

racingheartbeat She tilts her head to the side, her eyes rapidlysearchingmine She smells so fuckinggood Ifeel mycock twitchagainstthefrontofmyjeans.

“I’mnotlettingyouleavewhileyouaredrunk,”Itellher Thereisnowayinfuck Sheisdrunk,anddrivingisabadidea I don’tknowthisgirl,butIdon’twanttohearaboutitonthenewsthatshegotinawreck.

Shedoesn’trespondatfirst,butthenwhatcomesoutofhermouthshocksthefuckoutofme

“Everwantedtofuckastranger?”Sheasksinalowvoice.

Yeah,sheisdrunk

Ishakemyheadasasmileformsacrossherlips.

“Wantto?”Sheasksinalow,desiredvoice.

Fuck Whatthefuckishappeningrightnow?

“You’redrunk.Thisisnotagoodidea,”Itryanddissuadeher.Iamnotagainstfuckingstrangers,butIamagainstthemnot beingabletoremembermeormycockwhentheywakeup

“Yes,Iamdrunk,andyes,Iwon’tremembertomorrow,butisn’tthatthepoint?”Sheslurs. Herquestionisinterestingandconfusing Sheshrugsandstartstoturn,buttheurgetotouchherbecomesoverwhelming “Fuckit,”Isaythroughgrittedteeth.

Ireachoutandgrabherbythethroat,pullingherfirmlyagainstmychest.Ileandownandsmashmylipstohers.Shemoans andopenshermouth,andmytongueenters,hertonguedancingwithmine IcantastetheboozeonhertongueasIreachdown anddigmyfingertipsintoherleg,slowlymovingup.Ipullback,breakingthekiss.Hereyesareopenandonme,asIpushher againstthesideofhercar

Ipullupherskirtandmoveasideherunderwear.Irunmyfingersthroughherfolds,andherheadfallsagainstthecar.Ipull myhandawayfromherwetpussyandunbuttonandunzipmypants.Sheswatsmyhandsoutofthewayandpushesmypants andboxersdownenoughtofreemyachingcock.Igrabher leftlegandpinitagainstmyhipasIreachbetweenusandgrab ontomydick.Ihatehavingsexstandingup,butrightnow,IjustwanttobeballsdeepinsidethiswomanIknownothingabout.

Sheislikeadrug Yougetonetaste,andyouarealreadyhookedandwantingmore Iplacethetipofmycockatherentranceandlookoverherfaceonemoretime.ShegrabsmyshirtandpullsmeintoherasI pushmycockintohertightpussy Herwallswraptightlyaroundmycock,takingmybreathawayasIplacemyhandagainsther carandtightenmygriponherthroat.

Ileanin,mylipsalmosttouchinghers.“Youareabadfuckinggirl.”

Shedoesn’trespondasIstarttopushinandoutofher.Shewrapsherlegtightlyaroundme,oratleastasmuchasshecan, fromthisfuckingweird-assposition.

“Badgirlsgetpunished,”IwhisperasIsmashmylipstohers

ShemoansandopenshermouthonceagainasIcontinuetomoveinandoutofher.Thisissofuckingwrong.Sheisdrunk, andI’msober Iwillremember,butshewon’t ButhowthefuckcouldIhavejustlethergo?Nosanemanwouldhave MyballsbegintotightenasIpickupmypace.ShescreamsintomymouthasIfeelherpussytightenaroundmeasshecomes onmycock.Igroanintohermouth,shutmyeyes,andslamintoheronelasttimeasIshootmyloaddeepintoherpussy. Fuckme

Ipullback,breakingthekiss.HerheadfallsbackagainstthecarasIloosenmygriponherthroat. “Holyshit,”Iwhisper,tryingtocatchmybreath

ShelaughsasIpull outofherandreleasemyholdonhercompletely.Shelowersherlegtothegroundandpullsherskirt backintoplace

Ipullupmypantsandboxersandlookather.“Whereareyoustaying?”Iaskhercalmly. Shedoesn’tanswer,whichhonestlydrivesmenuts.“Please,”Isaycalmly. Shemotionsathercar Itisdark,butIcantellthecarisfilledwithstuff Yeah,notgoingtofuckinghappen “Youcanstaywithme,”Itellher.ThereisnowayinfuckIamlettingthiswomanstayinhercar. Sheshakesherhead “Nothanks” Sassyandstubborn,fuckme.

“I’mnotgoingtoletyousleepinyourfuckingcar,”Isay,feelingmyheartrace “Wejustfucked,it’snobigdeal.I’mgood,”shesays,shrugging.

Ican’ttellifshereallybelievesthatornot.Sheisdrunk,distant,andguarded.Iunderstand. IstareatherforamomentbeforeIwalkintoherandsmashmylipstohersforjustonemorefuckingtaste Ipullbackandlookather.“Youarestayingwithme,”Iallbutdemandinalowvoice. Shenodsbutdoesn’tsayaword It’sprogress,atleast

“A 3 Bianca

“Too Far Gone” byHiddenCitizensfeat.SVRCINA

re you mad at me?” I ask him softly He turns and looks at me and shakes his head He says he is not, but the vibes I am getting tell me differently “Do you have to hear the words, Bianca? Can’t you just trust that I love you?” He says in an annoyed voice. “I need validation,” I whisper back, feeling the tears build in my eyes “You know it drives me crazy. I am not mad at you, but if you keep asking, I will be. Is that what you want?” He asks. “No,” I say, trying to keep the tears back “Then trust the words that come out of my mouth,” he says calmly, but I can hear it in his voice. He doesn’t want to talk to me

I take a deep breath as he sits back on the couch and picks up his phone I know it drives him crazy that I need validation, but he knew this about me before we got married. He makes me feel stupid and dumb He makes me feel like I am going crazy Ugh,myhead.Iroll over ontomybackandwipe the tears frommyface.The dreams justkeepcomingona never-ending loopgoingthroughthelasttenyearsofmylife Irantogetawayfromthem,butnowIseethatitisimpossiblewhenmymind won’tletmeforgetandescapemypast.

MyheartstoppedasIwentthroughwhathadhappened.Iopenedmyeyesandquicklysatup. “Ouch,”IsayasIrubthesideofmytemple

Myvisionstartstoclear.Thesunisshiningthroughthewindow,andIcanhearthewavescrashing. Whatthefuckhappened?

IleanbackagainstthebedframeandslowlylookaroundtheroomIwokeupin.Itisolderwood,andpicturesoftheocean coverthewalls WhenIlooktothesideofthebed,Ifindtwopillsandsomejuice Ileanoverandgrabthem,poppingtheminmymouthasItakeabigdrinkofthejuice. “Youareawake,”Ihearamansay.

Iquicklyturnandlookatthemanstandingnexttothebed Heisaboutsixfeettall,withlightbrownhairlongenoughtoslickback.Hiseyesaredeepgreen,andhisneckandarmsare coveredinink Heiswearingatightblackv-neckt-shirt,blackskinnyjeans,andboots IlookoverhimafewtimesbeforeIlookintohiseyesagain.Heslowlytakesaseatontheedgeofthebedfacingme. Ileanoverandsetdownthejuice “WhereamI?”Iask,feelingmychesttighten Iusuallyamnotthekindofwomantogointoabarandblackout,butIhaveafeelingtherearealotofthingsIhavenever donethatIprobablywill startdoing.Ithoughttheboozewoulddrownoutthevoicesinmyhead,butitdidn’t.Ishouldhave knownbetter Wishfulthinking,Iknow

“Thetavern,”heanswerscalmly.

Idon’thearanyrage,anger,orirritation.Icanonlyheartheconcerninhistoneforsomeonehedoesn’tevenknow. “Shit,whattimeisit?”Iask,panicking “Noon.”

“Fuck”Isay,restingmyheadonthewallandclosingmyeyes “Doyourememberlastnight?”Heasks,gettingmyattentionagain. “Nope,butthatwasthepoint,”Isaywithamusement Iopenmyeyesandturnmyhead,lockingeyeswiththestrangeragain. “Why,whatdidIdo?”Iask,seeingtheconcerninhiseyes. Hetiltshisheadtotheside,causingsomebrownhairtocoverhiseyespartially “Well,wefucked,”hesays,watchingmeclosely. “Ohshit,”IsayasIlowermyheadandrunmyhandsovermyface “You,okay?”Heasksinaconcernedvoice. Iletoutasmalllaughandloweredmyhands “Yeah,I’mgood,”Isay,laughingagain “Whatissofunny?”

“Well,fuckingastrangerhasalwaysbeenafantasyofmine.IjustneverthoughtIwouldactuallydoit,”Isay,lookingatthe stranger Heisgorgeousandmysteriousandhasbroughtoneofmyfantasiestolife IwouldbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tembarrassed,Idon’tfuckrandompeople,butnowIcan’tsaythatanymorecanI? “Hmmm,”hesayssoftly “IthinkIshouldgo,”IsayasIpushdowntheblanketandturn,plantingmyfeetontheground.

Islipmyfeetintomyflip-flopsandstandup.Myheadthrobs,andmyvisiongetsfuzzy.Irunmyhandsovermyfaceagain andtakeadeepbreath,andthatiswhenIfeelit.Hiswarm,gentle,yetroughhandsholdingmyarms.

Ilookupandseehimlookingatmewithconcern.Hiswarmthstartsspreadingacrossmyskin,makingmyheartracefromthe physicaltouch

“Eatsomethingfirst.Youdon’tlooktoogood,”hewhispers. “Okay,”Isayinadefeatedvoice

Idon’tfeelgood,butIneedtokeepgoing.Idon’tknowwhere,butIknowIhavetokeepmoving,buteatingsomethingwon’t hurt.

“Pancakesandscrambledeggs,withcoffee,”hesays.

Inod.Itisnormal,Iguess,forhimtoremembermyorderfromyesterday,butatthesametime,hisrememberingwarmsmein awayIcan’tputintowordsjustyet

He releases his hold onme, takingthe warmthwithhim, causingmystomachto twist into knots. He turns, and I slowly followhimaroundthebedandoutoftheroomdownanarrowhallway HewalksintothebarareaandpullsoutthechairIsat inyesterday.

Isitandwatchhimgrabafew things,andthenhewalksthroughtheswingingdoors.IcanhearhimmovingaroundasIsit backinmyseat

Thebarisemptywhichisweirdforitbeingnoon.

The mancomes throughthe swingingdoors witha plate, stops atthe counter, and pours coffee into the cup He turns and lockseyeswithmeasheplacestheplateandcupofcoffeeinfrontofme.Herestshishandsonthecounterandwatchesmeas Ileanforwardandgrabthefork

“Soyougoingtotellmeyourname?”Heaskssoftly.

“What?”

“Youwouldn’ttellmeyournamelastnight,”hesayswithacuriouslook AsmalllaughleavesmeasIsitbackintheseat.“Bianca,mynameisBianca.” “Nicetomeetyou,Bianca IamAlexander,”hesayscalmly “Isthisyourbar?”Iask,lookingaround.

Henods “Itisthefamilybusiness,butyes,Irunit”

I pickup the cup and slowlyblow onit as I keep myeyes onAlexander. He moves backand leans against the counter, crossinghisarmsoverhischest.

“Youjustpassingthrough?”Heasks,breakingthelittlebitofsilence Inod.“Ithinkso.Idon’tknow.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Imean,Idon’tknowwhereIamgoingorwhatIamdoing,”Iconfesstohim.

“Hmmm,”hesaysmoretohimselfthantome.“Well,youcanalwaysstayhere.PortAngelesisasmalltown,butitisgood andquiet,”heconfidentlysays.

“MaybeIwill,notsureyet.Ishouldhavealreadygotbackontheroad,butIchosetogetdrunkandfuckastrangerinstead,”

Isaywithamusement.

Helaughsandshakeshishead.Hehasabeautifulsmile,andhislaughislikefreshairtome.

“Thereisahouseforrentdownthestreet,”hesays,catchingmealittleoffguard “Really?”

Henods “Yes,Icancallmyfriendifyouwant”

Isitbackandturn,lookingoutthewindowatthewaves.Iwasn’tplanningonstayinghere,butIhavenoreasonnotto.This placeisgorgeousandpeaceful Maybestayinghereforalittlebitbeforemovingonwouldn’tbesuchabadthing Iturnand lookatAlexanderandnod.

Itakeasipofmycoffee,watchhimsmile,andgrabhisphonefromhispocket.

Idon’tknowifIwillstaylong,butgettingatherapistjobshouldbeeasyenough,oratleastIamhopingitis,andIcanstart writingwherever.MaybetakingafewweekstofigureoutasolidplanbeforeImoveonisthesmartthing.

“Areyouokaywithaweek-by-weekagreement?”Heasks,lookingupfromhisphone “Yes,thatwouldbegreat,”Irespond,watchinghim.

Henodsandsendsatext Ishouldn’tbelookingathimlikethisoratall,really,butdamn,heissexyasfuck “Hecancomebywiththekeysinafewhours,”Alexanderconfirms. “Wow,thatwasfast,”Isaywithamusementandsurprise.

Alexanderputshisphoneinhispocketandleansover,pouringhimselfacupofcoffee “Iknow alotofpeople Itisnota problem.”

“Thankyou”

“Noproblem,”Alexandersays,pushingoffthecounterandreturningtothekitchen.

Ileanforwardandstartpickingapartthebreakfastinfrontofme.IknowIshouldlookatmyphone,butIamnotreadyyet.I don’tknowifIwilleverbereadyifIambeinghonestwithmyself.ButIwillhavetofacethemusicsometime.

Alexander and I followed his friend down the sidewalk. He wasn’t kidding when he said it was down the street, three houses,tobeexact.

Joshintroducedhimselfandshowedmethehouse Itisasmallone-bedroom,one-bath,rightonthebeach Nowthatitisjust me,Idon’tneedmuchroom.

“Ifyouneedanything,Ilivetwohousesdownthatway,”Joshsayswithasmileashehandsmethekeysandpointsdown towardthedirectionofhishouse.

“Thankyouagain.”

Henodsandwalksdownthethreestepstothesidewalk.Imakemywayontothedeckandleanforward,restingmyforearms onthe railingas Ilookout at the ocean. Ihave always wanted to live ina small townonthe beach, but it has never been somethingIcouldhavedone

ItakeadeepbreathasAlexandercomestomyside,leaningagainsttherailing.Hecrosseshisarmsoverhischestandlooks atthewaveswithme

“I’mgladyouarestaying,”hesayssoftly.

Ilookathim,andatthesametime,heturnsandlooksatme. Hiseyesaresogreen.Theyarebreathtaking.“Metoo,”Isaysoftly. Hemakesmenervous.Allofthismakesmenervous,buthavingaplacetofigureshitoutisprobablythebestthing. “Iwillbeatthetavernifyouneedme,”heoffers “Thankyou.”

“No problem, Bianca,” he says, pushingoffthe railing He gentlytouches mylower backas he walks by, takinghis salty smellwithhim.

Iaminsomuchtrouble.

“Here’s My Heart” bySayWeCanFly

walkbehindthelastfewpeoplewhoareexitingthebar IwouldbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tdisappointedshedidn’tshowup tonight,butsheprobablyhadabadhangoverfromlastnight.Shewaslookingprettyroughwhenwepartedways.Iwatched herforabitwhilesheunpackedthestufffromhercar.

Shehadnofurniture,noTV,nothingbutclothesandafewboxes Ihavenoideawhatwasinthem,andwhenIaskedifshe wantedmetostayandhelp,shesaidno.

Sheisasassylittleshit Ican’tfuckingfigureherout Sheisdifferentinthedaylightthanhow shewasatmybar,butthen again,shewasdrunk.Idon’tknow,butsheconfusesandintriguesmeandalsodrivesmeupthewallwithherlittleattitude. Sheisguarded,butshedoesn’tknow me,andIdon’tknow her.Iseehow shereactswheneverItouchher,andIknow her body.Iknowsomeofthewordsthatturnheron,andIknowhowshelookswhenshecomes.Imightnotknowtheothershit,but rightnow,thephysicalthingsIhaveseenanddonewithheraretakingmeoveranddrivingmebat-shitcrazy.

Sheisseriouslylikeafuckingdrug Ihavehadone-nightstandsbefore,butsheisdifferent Idon’tknowhoworwhy,butshe justis.

Ilockthefrontdoorsandmakemywaytothesidedoor Iseeherwalkingdownthebeach,holdingaflashlightinonehand andwhatlookslikeabookorsomethingintheother.

It’sfourinthemorning,andeveryone,includingher,shouldbeasleep.

Myheart races as I pushopenthe side door and walkout onthe deck. She is makingher wayto the small dockthat is betweenourhouses.

Ipull mysleevesuptomyelbowsasIheaddownthepathwaytothebeach Itisdarkasfuckouthere,butthelittlelights alongthepathallowmetoseealittlebit.IwatchhercloselyasshecontinuestoholdtheflashlightandwhatIamprettysureis abooknow ShewalkstotheedgeofthedockandsitsdownwithherfeethangingovertheedgeasIstepontothedock

HerheadisdownasshestartstosingasongIdon’tknow,andherheadrocksalittleasshekeepstheflashlightonthebook. Icomeupbehindherandstop,lookingdownatthebookinherhands.Shecontinuedsingingalongtoanothersong,unaware Iwasthere Ileandownandgentlytaphershoulder

“Holyfuck”shehollersasshequicklyturnsaroundandshepullstheearbudfromherear.“Whatareyoudoing?”sheasks, staringatme

“Iwasabouttoaskyouthesamequestion,”Ireplysoftly.

“Reading,you?”Sheasksinacuriousvoice

“Followingyou,”Isaywithoutfuckingthinking.Waytogo,stupid,fuck!

“That’snotstalkerbehavioratall,”shesaysassheclosesherbookandtakesoutherotherearbud.

IchuckleandshakemyheadasIunzipmyboots,removethemwithmysocks,andtakeaseatontheedgeofthedocknextto her.Shekeepstheflashlightpointingdownatthebook.

“Whatareyoureading?”Iask,lookingfromthebooktoher

Herhairisinamessybunagain,andsheiswearingadifferentsweatshirtandjoggers. “DenofVipers,”shesays,watchingme.

“Neverheardofit”

“It’saDarkRomance,”sheexplains.

“Awhat?”Iask,lookingintohereyes “Ummm,aromancewithdarkelementsinit.”

“Hmmmm,”Isaysoftlyasshecontinuestolookatme

“Youmakeitapointtogoforwalksreadingabookinthedark,”Iask,wantingtoknowmoreabouther. “Notreally,butIlikethesoundofthewaves,andthehouseisgreat,but-”Shestopsandtakesadeepbreath. “But?”Fuck!Sheislikefuckingcrack

Ineedtoknowwhatthefuckshewasgoingtosay.Givemesomething,baby,givemeanything.Fuck.

“Lonely,”shesayssoftly

She places the flashlightonher book, picks up her phone, and looks downatit. Ican’tsee much, butIcansee there are unreadmessagesandphonecalls

“Someoneismissingyou,”Iassess.

Sheshakesherhead.“No,justtheideaofme,”shesaysasshethrowsherphoneintotheocean.

Icanhearthepaininhervoice,thewallsaroundhertryingtokeepmeout Anormalmanwouldjustleaveitaloneandwalk away,butIamnotanormalman.Ifuckingpushboundaries,putmynosewhereitdoesn’tbelong,andIalwaysseemtogetin fuckingtroublewithwomen

Thefuck?

“Whatdoesthatmean?”Iwhisper. Sheturnsandlooksatme,“Youaskalotofquestions,Sir,”shesaysinanamusedbutguardedvoice. FuckIdon’tknowwhatitisabouthercallingmethat,butfuck,itdoessomethingstrangetome.Shegrabstheflashlightand thebookandstandsup Idothesame,feelingmyheartracewiththeideaofherwalkingaway “Itwasniceseeingyouagain,Alexander,”shesaysassheturnsandbeginstowalkaway,butIcan’t,Ifuckingcan’ttakeit.I reachoutandgrabherarm,pullinghertome

Shelooksupatme.“Whatareyoudoing?”Sheasksme,searchingmyeyes. Itiltmyheadtothesideandstudyherforamoment,thatisagoodfuckingquestion,andthetruthisIhavenoidea. Asmirkformsacrossmylips.“Everwantedtofuckastrangeronadock?” Shelaughsandshakesherhead.“Youarecrazy,”shesayswithasmile,eyesonme. “Hmmmm”

Maybethisismywayin.Shestartedthisgame,whateveritis.Ifwearebringingfantasiestolifetogether,whynotpickthis one?

Ihavealwayswantedtofucksomeoneearlyinthemorningonadockasthewaveswerecrashingaroundus.Don’taskme why, butithas beenonmyfantasylist, and Ihave never found someone Iwanted to do itwith. Now this beautiful fucking strangerinfrontofmehastakenmeover,hasfuckingmademecraveherasIhavenevercravedanotherwomanbefore Ifshe candothisbyjustbeingsassyandfuckingmeinaparkinglot,Icanonlyimaginewhatitwouldfeelliketobelovedbyher. “Afantasyofyours?”Sheasksme,pullingmeoutofmythoughts

“Maybe,”Iwhisper.

Igrabtheflashlightandbookfromherhandsandleandown,placingthemonthedock Istandup,walkintoher,andgrabher bythethroat,pullingherintome.

“Weshouldn’tdothis,”shewhispers.

“Agreed,”Iwhisperback “Iamnotreadyforanythingserious,”shesayssoftly.

“Idonotwantanythingserious,butIdowantyou,”Ireply “Physical,thatisall,”shesays,searchingmyeyes.

Inod “Thatisall,”Isay,leaningin,mylipsalmosttouchinghers Sheslowlynods,andIpressmylipstohers.HerbodymeltsagainstmineasIreachbetweenusandunbuttonandunzipmy pants. She grabs the top of her sweatpants and pushes themdownwithher underwear. We breakawayfor a moment, both removingourbottoms

Igrabontoherthroatagainandbegintolowerdownontomyknees.Shegetsontopofme,restingherkneesonthedock.She liftsalittle,justenoughformetograbmycockandplacetheheadatherentrance “Onlyphysical,Alexander,”shereiterates. “Onlyphysical,Bianca,”Ireplyasshesinksdownonmycock.

Ismashmylips backonto hers, and she opens for me, allowingmytongue to enter. Agrowl escapes me as she grabs my shoulder withone hand and places her hand onmychestwithher other, and begins to move up and downonmycock. She

moansasherpussywrapstightlyaroundmycock. Fucksheisintoxicating.

Ipull back, breakthe kiss, and grab onto her hips as she continues to ride mycock She is so fuckingbeautiful Ileanin, kissingherneck,andsherollsherhipsasshecontinuestoridemycock.Thewayherpussyisflutteringaroundmetellsmeshe isalmostthere Myballsstarttotightenasshecontinuestotakewhatsheneedsfromme,makingmyeyesrollintothebackof myhead.Ibitedownonherneckasshescreamsmyname,herpussylockssotightaroundmeshepullsmeovertheedgewith her She continues to slowlyride mycock, until we bothhave started to come down. She sits up withme still inside her and looksdownatme.

“Youaresuchabadgirl,”Iwhisper Thetasteofsweatandbloodlingersonmylipsandtongue

Our rapid breathingmixes withthe sound ofthe waves. Isitup, holdingher againstme as Irestmyforehead againsther neck Herheartisbeatingfastaswebothtrytocatchourbreath Ipullbackandlookoverherface Hereyesmeetmine.“Fuck,wheredidyoucomefrom?”Iasksoftly. Shedoesn’trespond,butIcanseethedesireandlustinhereyes Itightenmygriponherhips,liftheroffofmycock,and thenforceusbothtostandup.Webothleandown,grabbingour underwear andpants.Shedoesn’tsayanythingtomeaswe bothgetdressed.

Igrabtheflashlightandbookfromthedockandgentlyhandthemtoher Shegrabsthem,pinningthemtoherchest Sheopens hermouthtosaysomething,butinstead,shelooksatmeforanothersecond,thenturnsaroundandbeginsmakingherwayupthe docktowardsherhouse

Mysterythatiswhatsheis,amystery,apuzzleIwanttoputbacktogether.ButIhaveafeelingsheisn’tgoingtoletme,not yet.

Physical,Icandothat.Ihavealwaysbeengoodatthephysical,butsomethinginsidemetellsmephysicalisnotwhatIwant fromher.

Fuck IrunmyhandsthroughmyhairasIwatchherdisappearintotheblacknessofthenight

“Demons” byJacobLee

hefirstweekherehasbeennothingbutablur.Igotanewphoneandtextedmyfriends,lettingthemknowIwasokay.They areworriedaboutme,andIdon’tblamethem.TheywantedtoknowwhereIwas,andItoldthembecauseIcouldn’tkeep anythingfromthem Theyhavetherighttoknow

Iworryabouthimfindingout,buthonestly,Idon’tthinkhewouldcomehere.Healwayssaidhecouldadapttoanysituation, andIamafraidthatisthesameformeleavinginthemiddleofthenight Iknowheisangry,butIalsoknowheisaproudman Hewillstayatthehouseanddealwithhisemotions,likealways,bynotshowingthematall.

ItakeadeepbreathasIsitbackinthechairandlookovertheadsforatherapist Luckily,thereareplentyofremotejobsI amqualifiedfor.Ihavealreadyappliedforfiveofthem.Now,IjusthavetowaittoseeifIgetanycallsback.

Iswitchto the other blankscreeninWord and starttypingwhatIhave keptinside for years. Idon’tknow ifIwill ever actuallypublishwhatIamabouttowrite,butIthinkitis timetotell mystoryandshow peoplethatthereis another sideof domesticviolencethatsometimespeopleforgetabout.

Myhusbandwasnotphysicallyabusive Itwasallmental,emotional,andpsychological,buttome,ithasbeenmorehurtful inaspects thanhad itbeenjustbruises and brokenbones. Ihave beeninthose situations as well. The bruises fade, and the bones heal,buttheinternal wounds remainunseenandcanfester intowounds thatnever heal.Theyendupbeingdeepscars forevertoremindusofwhatwehavelivedthrough.

Itellmyclientsallthetimetowritedowntheirfeelings.IthinkitistimeItookmyownadvice,evenifitisjustforme. Ihavegoneoutonthetownseveraltimes,butnotenoughtoknowwhereeverythingis Ireallyneedtogetfood,morecoffee, andenergydrinks,whichmeansIneedtogooutinpublicandbeanadult.

Fuckme

IsitbackinthechairandrereadthewordsIhavewritten.Ihaven’twrittenasmuchasIwantedto,butitwillhavetodofor now.Maybegoingoutandgettingsomefreshairwilldomegood.

Istandupandstretch,sliponmyflip-flops,grabmybook,andslideitintomybag.Fortunately,everythinginthistownis withinwalkingdistanceofmyhouse.Itwillgivememoretimetoreadandescapemyself.Islowlymakemywaytothedoor andgrabthedoorhandle,takingadeepbreath

“Everything I do is for you. I work my ass off for you so we can have nice things,” he says through gritted teeth. “I know, I know you do,” I reply, trying to keep him calm

“Then why do you act ungrateful?” He asks in that tone. The tone that tells me he is annoyed and not happy with me. It is a tone I have become accustomed to hearing from him for a while now.

“I don’t,” I respond quietly

“You do. It seems like nothing I do is good enough for you. What do you want from me, Bianca?” He asks his voice stern

I stay silent because I know that nothing I say at this moment will make this any better, so I say the only thing I can. “I’m sorry ”

“Don’t be sorry, just listen to me I don’t just tell you things to tell you things I am trying to protect you, ” he states as he sits on the couch and once again grabs his phone.

I sit back and feel the tears slowly start to fall from my eyes and roll down my face He doesn’t look at me again, so I turn my face and pretend to watch the show he put on for us to watch.

I go over his words in my head; maybe he is right Maybe I am acting ungrateful I don’t mean to I just want I don’t know what I want: us to stop fighting and for us to be on the same page. But we have been on different pages for a long time

IopenmyeyesandquicklywipethetearsfrommycheeksasIturnthedoorknobandwalkoutside,closingthedoorbehind me. Iwalkdownthe few steps onto the sidewalkand head towards the maingrocerystore. Iopenmybookand hope Ican escape Ireallyneedtoescape

Imakemywaydownthislastaisle Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesIhavewalkedupanddowntheseaisles Ihateshopping whenIamhungry,buteverythinglooksgood,andIwanteverything.

Istand infrontofthe frozenpizza sectionuntil Ifind whatIamlookingfor Iopenthe door and grab three frozencheese pizzas.IclosethedoorandquicklywalkpastalltheothershitthatIwantbutdon’twant.Fuck,Iamamess. Iapproachthefirstopenregisterandbegintounloadmybasket.Iwatchastheniceladyscanseverythingandslowlyhands meeachitemsoIcanputitinmybag ShegivesmemytotalasIputthethirdenergydrinkintomybagandhandthewomanmy money.

Shesmilesandhandsmemychange “Ihopeyouhaveagoodday,”shesayssoftly “Thankyou.Ihopeyoudoaswell,”IreplywithasmileIknowdoesn’tquitereachmyeyes,butIamtrying. WhenIwalkoutofthefrontdoors,Iopenmybagandgrabmybook IlookupandseeAlexanderleaningagainsthistruck, talkingtoawoman.Sheisblonde,tallerthanme,wearingheelsandadress.

ItightenmygriponmybookasIwatchthem.Fromthelooksofhisstiffbodyandthescowlonhisface,heisannoyedby her,butfromherbodylanguage,sheisnotgettingit Sheliftsherhandandplacesitonhischest,inthesamespotmyhandwas aboutaweekagowhenwefuckedonthedock.Myheartracesashegrabsherwristandforceshertoremoveherhand.She laughsandshakesherhead,smackinghimonthechest

Idon’tgetit,butwhatever.

Sheturnsandwalksawayfromhim.Hewatchesheruntilshegetstohercar,thenturnstothedriver’sdoor,andthat’swhen oureyesconnect.Ilookdown,needingtobreaktheeyecontact.Evenfromthisfaraway,hiseyesareintense.Everythingabout thisstrangerisintense.

ItakeadeepbreathasIlookupandturntowardthesidewalkthatwillleadmebacktomyrentalhouse Ihearhimcallout myname,butstoppingisprobablynotthebestidea,soIkeepwalking.Irunacrossthestreet,pickingupmypace.Ikeepmy eyesforwardasIcountthehousesasIpassthem AfterIcancrossthestreet,thereareonlysevenhousesuntilIreachmine I’mstuckwaitingforthestupidasslittleperson’sgreenlighttoturnonwhenatruckpullsinfrontofme,blockingmyview ofthewalkinggreenperson.IlookintothetruckandseeAlexander.HiseyesareonmeasIhearthebeepingstartingtogooff. Iwalkinfrontofhisvehicleandcrossthestreetwithoutacknowledginghim.Ihearthetruckdooropenandfootstepsbehind me.Hegrabsmyarm,stoppingmeasIreachtheotherside.

“Bianca,”hesays,tryingtogetmetolookathim Myheartisracingtohearhimsaymynameatall Iturnand lookathim. His eyes are searchingmine. Isee worryinhis eyes and somethingelse, somethingthatprobably shouldn’tbethere

“Shewasmyex,”heconfesses. “What?”Iask,butIknowwhatheistalkingabout. Itisnoneofyourbusiness,Bianca,noneofyourbusiness Stayinyourownlane Youarenotstayingherelong “Thewomanyousawismyex,”heexplains,tryingtoreassureme.

“Youdon’thavetoexplainyourselftome,”Itellhim,hearingmyvoicecrackattheend “IknowIdon’t,butIwantto,”hesaysashesearchesmyeyes.Hisscentconsumesme,hiseyesparalyzeme,andwhenever he touches me, all Iwantto do is meltinto him He is a walkingred flag All the signs are there, butfor the life ofme, no

matterwhatIfuckingtellmyself,Iamstilldrawntohim,likeabeetofuckinghoney “Alexander,itisfine.It’sallgood,”Isay,shrugging.Idon’tknowwhatelsetosayordorightnow.

Hestandsstillforamoment,thenreleasesmyarm “Doyouwantaride?”Heaskscalmly,buthisbreathingisstillunsteady Ishakemyhead.“No,I’mgood.”

“Whydoyoudothat?”Heasks “What?”

Hewaveshishandupanddownme “What?”Iaskagain “Whatyouaredoingrightnow?”Hesays,lookingmeoveragain. “Idon’tknowwhatyouwantfromme,”Iconfesstohim.

Hedoesn’trespond,juststareswithhisreallyintense,fuckinggorgeousgreeneyes “WhatamIdoing,Alexander?”Iask Hestilldoesn’tsayanything.Itakeadeepbreath.“Itisnoneofmybusinesswhoyouaretalkingto,”Iexplain,shruggingmy shoulders

Hetiltshisheadtotheside.HehasdonethisthelastfewtimesIhaveseenhim,andfuck,eachtimehedoes,helookssexy asfuck Hishairfallsintohisface,likeoffofafuckingromancemovie

He sighs as Istepforward,puttingsome distance betweenus.“Have a goodday,Alexander,” Isayas Iturnandcontinue towardmyhouse.

“Fuck!”Ihearhimyellasheslamshistruckdoor

Okay, maybe I ambeing a little complicated, but we are not together. We are strangers, and soon I will be moving on. Keepingemotionsoutofitisthebestthing,plusitshouldn’tmatterwhatwomanheistalkingto Itisnotmybusiness

“Twisted Love” byAryia

The music is blaring, and everyone is laughingand drinking, and all Icanthinkaboutis whatshe said ‘It is none of my business.’

Thefuckitain’t.

“Youokay,Alex?”Joshasks,walkingovertomysideasIpouranotherdrinkforoneofthecustomers “Yes.”

“Youareabadliar,man,”hesays “Dropit,Josh,”IsayasIturnandlookathim.

“Okay,Iamdroppingit,”hesays,puttinghishandsupandmakingmesmile.

Iplacethedrinkonthecounter,watchthewomantakeit,andfollowherman.Iturnwhenthefrontdoorsopen,andmyheart stopsforamomentwhenBiancawalksin.Herhairisdownandcurled,whichIhaven’tseenherdoyet.Sheiswearingapair ofblackleggingsandatanktop,herblackglassesonceagainmakingherwholefacepop,especiallyhereyes

She makes her waytowards the bar andstops infrontofme,leaningforward,her eyes lockedwithmine.“Iamsorryfor earlier,”shesaysloudenoughsothatIcanhearoverthenoisybar

“It’sfine,don’tworryaboutit,”Isay,lookingintohereyes. “Wanttohaveadrinkwithme?”Sheasks. Ishakemyhead.“Ican’trightnow.Maybelater.” Iseethedisappointmentinhereyes,butshenods. “Whatareyouhaving?”Iaskher “Vodkasoda,please.”

Iquicklymakeherdrinkandplaceitinfrontofher Shehandedmeatenandthenwalkedoffintothecrowd Motherfuckman.

I take a deep breathand lookover at Josh, who is talkingto another girl. Shakingmyhead, I turned around and started wipingdownthebackcounter,doingeverythingIcouldtokeepfromturningaroundandwatchingBianca

I don’t know what the hell this push-and-pull thing is, but if she is trying to drive me insane and up the wall, she is succeeding I do not playgames, but it has always beenme who has beenplayed This new game she and I have goingis differentthanwhenmyexes cheatedonme or playedwithmyemotions.Bianca has beenupfrontfromthe start.She doesn’t wantanythingmorethanphysical,andIwanttobethatforher,butIamafraidmyemotionsarestartingtogetintheway

Fuck

Ilookattheclock.Itismidnight,andthetavernisfilledwithpeople,drunkasspeople.

Ileanagainstthecounterandlookoutatthecrowd MyeyesfindBiancainthecorner,drinkingherthirdvodkasoda She hasn’tdancedortalkedwithanyoneandseemstobejustfinebeingbyherself.

Joshisoutonthedancefloor,grindingagainstadifferentgirlthanhewastalkingtoearlierinthenight.Hehasalwaysbeen aplayer,butdeepdown,heisagoodman.Hejustdoesn’tletpeopleseeitveryoften.

IlookbackinthecornerwhereBiancawasjustdrinkingbyherself,butsheisnolongerthere.Nope,somemotherfuckerhas asked her to dance, and she said yes Ikeep myeyes onher as theymove throughthe crowd, stoppinga few feetfromthe corner.Hegrabsherhipsandstartstomovewiththemusic.Sheallowshimtoleadassheswaysherhipswiththemusic.Ican seethatsheisdrunk,whichmeansthatmotherfuckerknowsittoo

Iplace myhands onthe counter as Iwatchher closely, gettinglostinhow her bodymoves. The wayher head falls back againsthisshoulderasshestartstoletgo.Fuck,IwishIwasthatguyrightnow.

Itshouldn’tbothermeseeingherwithanotherman.Sheisn’tmine,butfuck,seeinghimtouchherandwhispershitintoher eariscausingmybloodtoboilinawayIhaveneverfeltbefore.Itfeelslikesomeonehasgut-punchedme,makingithardto breathe

Sheturnsaround,facinghim,andplacesherhandsonhischest.Heleansdown,andshewhisperssomethingintohisear.She quicklypullsback,lowersherhandsassheturns,andmakesherwaytowardsthebathroomsandbackdoor Fuck.This.

Iwalkup to Josh, pat himonhis shoulder, and nod towards the bar. He smiles and heads to manthe bar for me. Ipush throughthecrowd,andwhenIgettothebathroomhallway,Biancaisstumblingoutofthebackdoor Ifollowquicklybehind her,forcingthebackdooropen.WhenIstepoutintothealley,thedoorslamsbehindmeasIlookaround.

“Lookingforme?”Sheasksfrombehindme Iturnandwatchherlightasmoke.Closinginonher,Istopinfrontofherandplacemyhandsonthewallnexttoherheadas shetakesanotherbigdrag

“Iwillbreakhisfingers,”Iwarnher.

“That’snotverynice,”shesays,slurringherwords. “Idon’tlikeyoutouchinghim,placingyourhandsonhischest Idon’tlikeitatall,Bianca,”Isaythroughgrittedteeth “Sir,youareworking.Iamhavingfun,that’sall,”shesays,pokingmychest. Shedropsthesmokeandstepsonit

Istareatherforamoment.“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”Sheasksagain.Itisthesamequestionsheaskedmeyesterday,but Ididn’tanswer

“You.Iwantyou,”Iconfess. IwillnotmakethesamefuckingmistakeImadeyesterday.Ifshewantsmetoanswerher,thenIfuckingwill.

“Ican’tgiveyoume,”shesayssoquietlyIcanbarelyhearher “Why?”Iask,feelingmyheartrace. “Alexander,pleasedon’t,”shebegsme

ButIcan’t,Ican’tfuckingletitgo.Ican’tstopwantingher.Ishouldn’t,Ifuckingshouldn’t,butIcan’tstop. Shestandsupstraight,facetofacewithme,andIkeepmyhandsplantedfirmlyonthewall,boxingherin.Ileanin,mybody touchinghers,andslidemylegbetweenhers.

Mylipsalmosttouchinghers,Iwhisper.“Iwantyou,Bianca.”Ineedhertoheartheseriousnessinmyvoice. Sheshakesherhead “Ican’tgiveyouthat” “Butyoucanletmefuckyou?”

“Yes,”shesimplyreplies

“Why?”Isay,feelingmyemotionsbecomingalittleunhinged.

“BecauseitisallIhavelefttogive,okay?”Sheyellsatme.HerbreathingbecomesmoreunstableasIlowermyhandsfrom thewallandpullback.

“Youarebecomingmyfantasy,Bianca,”Itellher.

“Weneedtostopthis,”shesays,buthervoiceisuncertainanddistant twothingsIdon’tlike,notwithher “Thefuckwedo,”IsayasIgrabherthroatandpushheragainstthewall.

Igrabthetopofherleggingsandstareintohereyes Thereisnofear,noworry,onlydesireandlust,thesamedesireandlust

Isawinhereyesonthedock.

“Everwantedtofuckastrangerbehindabar?”Iasksoftly.

Shesmilesandnods “Topofmylist,Sir” Ipulldownherleggingsandunderwear,andshehelpsmebysteppingoutofthem.Herlowerhalfexposed,andIcanfeelthe heatcomingfromhercorethroughmypants Fuckme

Ireleasemyholdonher throatandunbuttonandunzipmypants.Ipushthemdownwithmyboxers,lettingthemfall tomy ankles as Igrabontoher legs andlifther offofthe ground Islamher againstthe bar wall,her legs wraptightlyaroundmy waistasIreachbetweenusandgrabontomycock.Iplacethetipatherentrance,andshegrabsontomyshoulders,hereyes lockingonmine.

“Baby,youaredrivingmecrazy,youknowthat,”Itellher,confessingtoher “Thefeelingismutual,”sheconfessessoftlyasIpushmycockintoherwetpussy. IgroanasIgrabherassandstartthrustingintoher “Youhavebeenabadgirl,lettinganothermantouchyou,”Isayinalow, darktone.

“Yes,”shemoansasIcontinuetofuckherpussy

“Yourbodyismine,Bianca.Allfuckingmine.Doyouunderstandme?”Idemand. “Yes,Sir,”shemoans.

“Thenextmanyoulettouchyourbody,thatisnotme,Iwillbreakhisfuckingfingers,”IwarnasIpickupmypace Herbackcontinuestohitthewallashernailsdigintomyshoulders.Herpussywrapstighteraroundme,takingmybreath away Ourbodiesfitperfectlytogetherlikeapuzzlethatwasalwaysmeanttobe

“Tellmeyouaremine,Bianca.Tellmenoothermanwilltouchwhatbelongstome,”Ibegher.Evenifsheneedstolieto me,Iwanthertofuckinglietomerightnow,inthismoment.

“Iamyours,”shemoansasIleanin,restingmylipsagainstherear.

“Don’tmakemehurtthem,Bianca,”Iwarnherasherpussywrapstighteraroundmycock.MybadgirllovesthewayItalk toher Shewantstobelongtome HerpussyhasbeenfuckingminesinceIfuckedherintheparkinglot

Sheismorecomfortablewithmydirtytalkandmewantingtofuckherthansheiswithmewantingher,actuallywantingher forher,butIwouldratherhaveapieceofherthannothaveheratall Itmakesmewonderwhatthefuckhashappenedtothisgorgeous,breathtakingwoman. Whothefuckhurther?

Shescreamsoutmynameasshemilksmycock,pullingmyorgasmfromme.Herbodyisshakingagainstmineasherhead fallsbackagainstthewall.Iwatchherclosehereyesandtrytocatchherbreath.

SheopenshereyesandlooksdownatmeasIslowlypulloutofher Shereleasesherlegsfromaroundmywaist Islowly lowerhertotheground,andshelowersherhandsfrommyshoulders,takinghertouchwithher.Ileaninandconnectmylipsto hers

The kiss is short-lived as Ipull backand backaway. We bothleandownand grab our clothes, puttingthemoninsilence again.Sheusesthewalltokeepherselfupright.Izipupmypantsandwatchhercloselyassheturnsandlooksatme. Ishakemyhead “Iwillbreakhisfuckingfingers,baby,Iswear Testme,”Iwarnher Shesmilesandshakesherhead.“Youarecrazy,youknowthat,”shesayswithamusement. ShehasnofuckingideahowcrazyIam “Crazyaboutyou,Bianca,”Isaysoftly Herbodystiffensforamoment,butjustasquickly,sherelaxes.ItmakesherfeeluncomfortablewhenImakesoftstatements abouther Idon’tknowwhy,butIplanonfiguringitout Iwalkbackintoherandpressakisstoherforehead,thenIleanoverandopenthebardoor.Iplacemyhandonherlower backandleadherintothebaragain. Fuckme,man,Iamwhippedbeyondfuckingbelief

“One Mississippi” byZaraLarsson

openmyeyesandseethesamewindowIwokeuptowhenIfirstcametothistown:awindowthatisnotmine

There are strongarms wrapped around me, keepingme warm. His breathtickles the backofmyneck, and our legs are intertwinedtogether.

Fuck

Iclosemyeyesandbreatheinhissalty,masculinescent.

“Why does it have to be like this?” I ask, looking at him

“You have made us this way. All you have to do is listen to me. I am older than you, and I am just trying to protect you, ” he says confidently

I stand still, staring at him. His breathing is calm and even, and his eyes are deadlocked onto me.

“I know,” I say as I drop my shoulders in defeat.

How does he always turn things around on me, making it my fault or problem? It starts as one thing, and then before I know it, I am the one saying I am sorry just to make sure we don’t go to bed angry. He acts as if I am the one who causes all of our problems It is not just me

It can’t just be me. Can it?

“I just want us to be happy and not fight ”

“Okay then, don’t fight,” he says calmly as he opens the fridge

My heart sinks into my stomach as I turn around and go down the hallway to my office. It wasn’t always like this, I don’t understand I don’t understand what he wants from me.

Iopenmyeyesandfeelthetearsrolldownmyface IslowlyuntanglemybodyfromAlexander’s Hemumblessomethingas heslowlywakesup.Isitontheedgeofthebedandrunmyhandsdownmyface,tryingtogetridoftheevidenceofthetears. Thetearsthatwillcomeagain,theyalwaysdo.

Alexanderplaceshishandonmylowerback,hiswarmthspreadingquicklyacrossmyskin Iturnandlookathim Hiseyes areopenandwatchingme.Hequicklysitsupbutkeepshishandonmylowerback. “Areyouokay?”Heasksinaconcernedvoice Inod.“Yeah,I’mfine,”Isay,standingupfromthebed. MyheadispoundingfromthevodkaIdrank,mythoughtsarefuzzy,andmystomachiskillingme Ioverdiditonceagain,but Iwantthepeacefuloblivionitgivesinthemoment,evenifitisafalsepeace.Itfeelsgoodwhileitlasts.

Ileanover,grabmyclothesfromthechair,anddress.Lookingatmyphoneonthebedsidetable,InoticeIhaveafewmissed calls Isitontheedgeofthechairandgrabmyphone Iswipeandputinmycode IpushonthefirstmessagefromthenumberIdon’tknow andputitonspeaker.IlookoveratAlexander.Heisleaninghis backagainstthewall,hisattentiononme

“Bianca,thisisTrudiy.Iamcallingbecausewewanttoofferyouatherapistpositionwithourcompany.Ifyoucouldplease callmeback,Iwouldlovetodiscussthenextstepswithyou.”

Iputmyphonebackonthetableandstretchedoutmyarms

Alexanderisstaringatme,andasmallsmileformsonhisface.“Therapist,huh?”Heasks.

Ilaugh “Yes”

“So,doesthatmeanyouarestaying?”Heasksinahopefulvoice.

Itakeadeepbreath “Maybe,Idonotknowyet”

Henodsandkeepssmiling.Thesmilethatmakesmemelt.Heislikeabookboyfriendcomingtolifebeforemyeyes.The bookboyfriendwhoiswillingtodirtytalk,bejealous,possessive,controlling,anddominant,thebookboyfriendwhohasno issuesbringingtolifemyfantasiesorhis Fuckme,thisjustdoesn’tseemreal.

Ilowermyarmsandslowlystandupfromthechair ImakemywayovertothebedandplacemyhandsdownasIleanin Alexfollowsmyeverymove.“Iwillseeyoulater,”Isay. Henodsandgrabsontomythroat,pullingmecloser “Iwanttotakeyouonadatetonighttocelebrateyournewjob,”hesays calmly.

“Okay.”

“Youlikethemovies?”Heasks,watchingmeclosely Heisalwayswatching,beingsoobservant “Yes.”

“Okay,Iwillpickyouupatseven”

Whydoeshemakethisallseemsofuckingeasy? “Whataboutthetavern?”Iaskinaconcernedvoice. “Joshcanhandletonight,”hesayswithasmile. “Okay.”

Heleansinandgentlyconnectshislipstomine,thenjustasfast,pullsbackandreleaseshisholdonmythroat,makingme groan.

“I’llseeyoulater,baby,”hesaysasIstandup

Iturn,grabmyphoneandshoes,andwalkaroundhisbed,stoppingathisdoor.Myheartisracing.Iwanttosaysomething, butIdon’t.Instead,Iwalkoutandheaddownthehallwaytothebar. IhavenoideawhatIamdoing,butIhaveafeelingitistoolatetoturnbacknow. Itisjustonedate,onedate.Nothingisgoingtohappenfromonedate. Right?