FAMILYTREE
Imogen
Atseventeen,I’vehadmyfairshareofcrushes,butIneverexperiencedlove until him.MymumoftentellsmeIhavemy wholelifetofallinlove,soIshouldn’trushit SometimesIthinkshetellsmethatbecauseshehasto That,orshefeelssorry forme.Becauseladsarescaredofme.Theyalwayshavebeen.IthinkIintimidatethem.I’vealwaysspokenmymind,but growingupwiththeCarterfamily,Iinheritedtheirconfidenceandtheirdrivetotakenoshit
Mydad,however…Heburieshisheadinthesandbecausehedoesn’tparticularlywantmetodate.Hehasrules,buthe’s neverbeenunreasonableaboutthem
Whichmakesthismorefrustrating.
BecauseIaminlovewithaguywhoworksforhim.Atleast,I’mprettysurethatiswhatI’mfeeling.Whenhewalksintoa room,mystomachflutters,andmyheartbeatsrapidly Wordsdon’tcomeeasilywhenhe’saround,becausewhenhespeaksto me,Igetalumpinmythroatandmycoherentthoughtsbecomenon-existent.He’stheonlyguywhohasevercrumpledmy confidence HemakesmefeellikehowGinaMorganmusthavefeltinYear7atschool,whensheusedtogobrightredevery timehercrushwalkedintotheroom.
BenDonovanhasmyheartandmyattention HeisthefittestguyI’veeverlaideyeson AndIthinkhelikesmetoo Ifeel itwhenhelooksatme,whichisweirdtoexplainbecauseyoucan’tphysicallyfeelalook.
Heboughtmeabagofstrawberrybon-bonsbecauseheknowshowmuchIlovethem.HebringsmedrinkswhenI’m studyinginDad’soffice AndhespeakstomelikeI’mawoman,notachild Thentheotherday,whenagroupofladsfrom anotherschoolwereshoutingexplicitslursatme,hewrappedhisarmaroundmyshoulders.Hedidn’tevenneedtosay anything Hegavethemadeathglareuntiltheyranwiththeirtailstuckedbetweentheirlegs,thenproceededtowalkmeinto mydad’sworkwithhisarmaroundme.Iknewthenitwastimetomakeamove.I’vebeenholdingofffortoolong.
HestartedworkingformydadatnineteenandIwasnearlyfifteenyearsold.Backthen,Ithoughtitwasjustacrushand I’dgetoverit.ButtheolderIgot,andthemoreIsawhim,thesurerIbecamethatthiswassomethingmore.
HaydenCartercomesrushingdownthecorridortowhereI’msittingataroundtable,pullingmefrommemorylane.She’s mybestfriend evenwiththethree-yearagegap Atfifteen,Haydenisabadass,andshe’smykindofcrazy,whichiswhywe getalongsowell.She’salsomycousin.Notbyblood,butmyauntieismarriedtoanotherCarter,sowearebasicallyfamily.
Andtoday,wearecelebratingmydad’sforty-fifthbirthday,sincehe’sadamantaboutnotcelebratinghisfiftieth Heknew Mumwasalreadyplanningitsincehewasawayforhisfortiethbirthday,sotheycametoacompromiseandthrewoneforhis forty-fifth.
Everyoneishere.
EvenBenDonovan,theguyI’vebeenwaitingfor,forwhatfeelslikeforever.
“Whattookyousolong?”IhisswhenHaydentakesaseat,flickingherlong,darkhairbehindhershoulder Shepushesherchaircloserandleansin.“Dadtryingtotakemyfoodagain.”
“It’sabuffet,”Ipointout SheglaresatmeandIleanback,holdingmyhandsupinsurrender Iquicklyamendmy statement.“Howdarehe!”
“Iknow,right?I’magrowingkid,andhetriestostealthepartysausagerollsfromme.”
Ilickmylipsatthementionofsausagerolls I’vebeenfeelingsouneasyabouttonight,Icouldn’tstomachfoodwhenthey firstopenedthebuffet.“Arethereanyleft?”Iask,scanningthebuffettable.
“Fuckno Whatdoyouthinktookmesolong?Iatethem ThenIstoleDad’s plate for Mum andwentandhidthatone” Mylowerlipdropsatherdeclaration.“Girl,youstoleyourmum’sfood?That’scold.”
“No,it’swhatDadtellspeopleit’sfor,butreally,it’severythinghecouldn’tfitonhisownplate Wealldoit Myspare plateisforLandon,Landon’sisforLiam,andLiam’sisforme.Wehaveasystem.”
“Youdorealiseyouguysarecrazy?”Iask,archingabrow.
“Look,ifyougrewupwithabunchofwolvestryingtostealyourfood,you’ddothesame Trustme You’reluckyyou onlyhaveJoshuatoworryabout.Ihaveanentirepacktowatchoutfor.Youcan’ttrustanyofthem.”
Joshuaismyyoungerbrother,andhonestly,asidefromthestupidshithegetsuptowithourothercousins,he’snever botheredmeasabrother.Wedon’tfightliketheCartersfightwiththeirsiblings.Notthattheyeverfightseriously.It’sall banter Kindof
“Andthattookyouanhour?”Iask.
“Ohno,Ikeptslippingmorevodkaintoyourdad’sdrink.He’sprettywastednow,soevenifhestumblesacrossyouand Benandquestionsit,he’llbelievewhateverbullshitstoryyoucomeupwith” Iwrapmyarmaroundhershoulders.“HaveItoldyoulatelyhowmuchIloveyou?”
“Puh-lease Youowemeatriplechocolatefudgecake,andanotherbottleofvodka” Myeyeswiden.“Thevodkawasyours?”
Sheshrugs,herexpressionfallingalittle.“Technically,itwasLandon’s.He’sbeendrinkinghisfuckingsorrowsawaya lotlately,soIdidhimafavour.”
“Andyouwanttoreturnittohim?”
“Fuckno!I’vegotanotherpartytomorrowandIwanttogetwasted.”
“Ah,okay I’llgetittomorrowforyou”
SinceI’vealwayslookedolderthanmyyears,it’seasyformetogetserved.I’veneverbeenaskedforI.D.andwe’ve alwaysusedthattoouradvantage
“Thankyou,”sheresponds,noddingsolemnly.
“DoyouknowwhereBenis?”Iask,mynosescrunchingupwhenIspotmymumanddadmakingoutonthedancefloor. “OhGod,she’stouchinghisarse”
Haydensnickers.“You’dbetterwearearplugstobed.”
Inudgeherawayfromme “Eww,Hayden!”
“Oh,lover-boyisinthebathroom.”
“He’sprobablylefttherenow,”Ihiss “Youcouldn’thavetoldmethatbeforeyousatdown?”
“Easy,tiger.He’sjustabouttogoin,”sheexplains,jerkingherchininthedirectionofthecorridor.
Andsureenough,Benplaceshispintofbeerdownontheshelfoutsidethebathroom,beforeheadinginside.
Panicgrowswithinme I’veneverdonethisbefore Sure,I’vehadladscomeuptomeandflirt,butI’veneverbeenthe onetogoupanddoit.Andthey’veneverflirtedforlong.Oncetheysaysomethingdemeaningorcheesy,Itendtolayintothem. ThenIhavetowatchthemhightailitawayliketheirarseisonfire
ButIknowBenlikesme.IseehimwatchingmewhenhethinksI’mnotlooking.It’sonlybeenthepastfewmonthsthatit’s beenobvious,butIwasonlyachildwhenIfirstmethim.Inafewweeks,though,I’mgoingtobeeighteen,andwewon’tneed toworryaboutthat.
“Idon’tknowwhattodo,”Istress,rubbingmypalmsdownmyblackminidress,whichisfeelingtighterthanitdidwhenI firstputiton
“Breathe,”Haydendemands.“YouareaCarter,forfuck’ssake.You’vegotthis.”
“I’maSmith,”Iremindher,panting
Shewavesmeoff.“Semantics.YouareaCarteratheart,andthat’sallthatmatters.Now,youaregoingtogoandwait outsidethebathroomforhimtocomeout.Thenyoucanaskhimtogooutsidewithyou,andthenjustgoforit.Kisshimandtell himhowyoufeel.”
“Andthatworks?”Iask,bitingmybottomlip.
“Trustme I’veseenhimlookatyou Helikesyou”
Ipushbackinmychairandgettomyfeet.“Wishmeluck.”
“Youdon’tneedit You’reaCarter,remember?”
IsqueezehershoulderandthenadjustmydresssoI’mshowingalittlemoreboob.MyfeetfeelheavyasImakemyway downtothemen’stoiletsandleanagainstthewall,pullingmyphoneoutofmybag.Imightbeoutsideherewaitingforhim,but Idon’twanttomakeitobvious
Ihearthehanddryersgoingoffinsidethebathroom,andIknowit’sonlyamatterofsecondsbeforehecomesout.Itakea breath,scrollingthroughFacebooksoIdon’tlooklikeacompletecreeper IknowI’mactingcrazy,buthemakesmecrazy He tiesmeupinknotsyetmakesmefeelfreeatthesametime.
Thedooropens,andIholdmybreathforasplitsecond,peekingattheflooruntilIseehisboots Bootshe’salways wearing.TheonlytimeIseehimintrainersiswhenheisatthegymmydadhasinthecellarofthebuildingtheyworkin. “Immy,iseverythingokay?”hegreets.
Ilookup,pretendingtobesurprisedtoseehim “Hey,Ben,Ididn’tseeyouthere”
Andmygod,heisgorgeous.Evendressedcasuallyhelookshot.Awhite,crispshirtisuntuckedfromhisdarkjeans,and hisleatherjackethangsopen,givingatinyglimpseofthetattooshehassnakinguphisneck
Hebrusheshissandyblondehairfromhisface,andhisstartlinggreeneyesmeetmine.Theydon’tpickapartthedressI’m wearinglikesomanyothershereattendingorworkingthepartyhavedone Heseesme “Iseverythingokay?”
Iglanceatthedoorthatleadsouttothefrontofthebuilding.Thecentremymumhiredformydadishuge.Ithasavenue spaceandamember’sroom,bothofwhichhavebarsinside.Therearetwochangingroomsandasportshall,andoutsideit hasacricketfield,abasketballcourt,andafieldofAstroTurfforfootballandhockey “IthinkI’mgoingtogetsomefreshair,”Ireply.
BeforeIcanaskhimtojoinme,hespeaks,hiseyessoftandonme “I’llcomewithyou Therewasakidoutthereearlier causingtrouble.”
I’mjumpingwithgleeontheinside.It’sworking.AllI’vewantedtodoisgethimalone.Gethimtoadmithefeels whateverthisisbetweenus.
Webegintomakeourwaydownthecorridortotheexit.“Youfinishedyourassignment?”Iask.
Heworksguardingthosewhoneedit.Thelastassignmenthehadwasprotectingaladwhowastestifyingincourtagainst agangmember.Benwassupposedtostaywithhimuntiltheladwentintowitnessprotection.
“Yeah He’ssafenow Thegangsinthatareaareknowntorecruitschoolkids It’sashamehimandhisfamilyhavehadto leavethelifetheyknow,andalltheirfamily,butitneededtobedone.”
Ineverthoughtofitlikethat “I’mgladhe’ssafethough IheardDadtalkingtoMumaboutit Hesaidtherewasasceneat thecourthouse.”
“Yeah Thegangwasthere,waitingtotakehimout Thankfully,thefamilyhiredusbeforehandsotheynevergotnearhim” Westepoutintothecold,nightair,andIrubmyhandsupanddownmyarms.“Lookslikethatkidyoumentionedhas gone,”Imurmur,searchingthearea.Nooneelseisoutsideonthissideofthebuilding.Thosewhosmokearegatheredinthe patioareaontheothersideofthebuilding
“Yeah,”heresponds,slippingoffhisjacket.“Here,youlookcold.”
Hethrowsitovermyshoulders,standingsocloseIcansmellhiscologne,whichhasawarmandspicytonetoit Islipmy armsthroughthejacket,andgoforit.
Myfingersgentlytouchthehardlinesofhisabs,andIstepcloser Hetenses “Immy,whatareyoudoing?”
Isteelmyspine.“Ilikeyou,Ben,andIthinkyoulikemetoo.”
GladIworetheridiculouslyhighheels,Ileanuponmytip-toes,mylipsmeetinghis.Heplaceshishandsonmybiceps, andforasplitsecond,Ithinkhe’sgoingtokissmeback Thatdreamisshort-livedwhenhepullsbackjustasquicklyasI movedtokisshim.
“Immy,whatthehellareyoudoing?”
“I…Ilikeyou.”
“Thiscan’thappen,”heorders,hiseyesnarrowing.
“Why?”
“Areyoureallyaskingmethat?”
“Youlikeme Iknowyoudo,”Iargue,butthere’snoheatbehindthosewords,justhumiliation “Youareachild,andlet’snotforget,Iworkforyourdad,”heexplains.
“I’meighteeninafewweeks,”Iwhisper Hisexpressiongoesblank,hisgreeneyesgrowingdistant,likehe’sremovinghimselffromthesituation.“I’msorryifI’ve givenyoutheimpressionthatIlikeyouinthatway.Idon’t.Iwantedtomakeagoodimpressiononyourdadsincehehiredme soyoung,whichiswhyI’mnicetoyou.”
“I…”Idon’tknowwhattosay. ThisisnothowIimaginedthenightwouldgo Ithoughtforsurehelikedme “Immy,”hebegins.
“It’sImogen,”Isnap
“Look,I’msorry.Thisisjustacrushthatyou’llgetover.Icanpretendthatthisdidn’thappen.”
“Don’tdomeanyfavours,”Ibrokenlyargue,slippinghisjacketoff.Ihanditbacktohim,hittinghischestasIdo. Beforehecanseethetearsfall,Istepaway “Whereareyougoing?” “Forawalk,”Icallback.“Anddon’tfollowme.”
Ihearhimsighasthefirsttearfalls I’vespentyearsobsessingovereverylittlethinghehasdone I’verefusedtogoon dates,orjoininondaysoutwithmyfriends.AllbecauseIwantedtowaitforhim,andtoshowhimIamnotachild.
Ishouldneverhavetalkedmyselfintodoingthis
AsobcatchesinmythroatasImakemywaydownthesideofthebuilding,towheretheconcretestepsare.Theyareused forspectatorstositandwatchthecricketmatches.
“Imogen?”
Iglanceupatthesoundofmyfriend’svoice.AtthetopofthestepsisZachArmstrong,sittingbackagainstthewooden bar Hehasonapairofjeansandapoloshirt;hisbodyleanandtall Imakemywayuptohim We’vebeenfriendsforyears now eversincewehadtodoascienceprojecttogether.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Icametoseeyou,”hetellsme,hishazeleyeswatchingme “Whyareyoucrying?”
“Itdoesn’tmatter,”Itellhim,ashamedoftheanswer.“Whydidn’tyoucomeinside?”
“Yourcousinswouldn’tletme.I’mactuallyhidingfromthem.”
Igrimace “Whichones?”
“LiamandMaddox,”hetellsmeasItakeaseatnexttohim.“Tellmewhyyou’reupset.”
Irestmyelbowsagainstmyknees,pullingmyhairawayfrommyfaceasmoretearsfall “Imadeafooloutofmyselfin frontofsomeone.Hedoesn’twantme.”
Zachclearshisthroat,hishandtouchingmythigh.“Ilikeyou.”
Isitup,searchinghisgazetoseeifhe’ssincere.“What?”
“I’vealwayslikedyou,”herushesout.
“I…”I’mabouttogivehimthesamespeechBenjustgaveme,anditdoesn’tfeelgood.
“Please,justgiveusachance.We’vebeenfriendssinceforever,andyouknowI’dneverhurtyoulikethatguy.”
“Youdon’tknowwhoI’mtalkingabout,”Iwhisper
“Ido.Thatpunkkidwhoworksforyourdad.He’llneverlookatyoulikeyouareanythingbutakid.Trustme.Iheard themtalkingaboutit”
“What?Who?When?”
“Rememberwhenwewerestudyinginyourdad’sofficeforthescienceproject?”
“Yeah.”AndIdo,becauseitwasthefirsttimemydaddidn’tgoalldadonmeaboutboys.
“Oneoftheotherguyswhoworksthereaskedhimwhyhespoketoyouallthetimeandwasteasinghimaboutlikingyou. Hegotdefensiveandadmittedthatyouwerejusteasytomanipulateandthatyouwerenothingbutachild Hesaidyoucould nevergetaboyfriendbecauseyouactsoimmature,andhethinksyouhavementalissues.”
Mythroatclosesup,andIstruggleforamomenttoprocesseverythinghesaid Benreallythinksthosethingsaboutme His declarationearlierprovedthat.Andhe’snotthefirstboywhohasdeclaredsuchfeelingsaboutme.TommyBadmintoncalled meoutinYear9,tellingeveryoneIcouldn’tgetaboyfriendbecauseIactedsocrazy Maybethey’reright.
“Ireallylikedhim,”Iadmit.
“Becauseyounevergaveanyoneelseatry Please,Imogen,giveusachance I’velikedyouforsolong,andIknow togetherwe’llmakeagreatcouple.”
Ithinkaboutitforamoment MaybemeneverhavingaproperboyfriendiswhatputBenoff Heprobablycalledmea childbecauseIhavenoexperienceasawoman.
Thatsaid…“Idon’twanttoruinourfriendship.”
“Whydon’twejustseewherethiscango?Wedon’tevenhavetobeofficialoranything.Wecanbefriends.Imean,don’t youwanttogetbackathimforhurtingyou?”
Iglanceathim “Whatdoyoumean?”
“Thebestwaytohurthimbackistobewithsomeoneelse.Ifhedoesn’tseeyouthewayIseeyou,heisn’tworthit anyway Wecantrythistogether,andifitdoesn’twork,wecangobacktobeingfriends” “Andyou’dbeokaywiththat?”
“Yeah.I’velikedyouforages,Imogen.I’lldoanythingtomakeyouseeI’mtherightpersonforyou.”
AmIreallyconsideringthis?
Myheartaches,andBen’swordsarestillfloatingaroundinmymind,hurtingmedeeply. AndZachhasbeenmyfriendforawhile He’sgoodlookinginapretty,boy-next-doorway,butI’veneverreally consideredhimtobeanythingmorethanafriend.
Buthe’srightaboutBen I’mnevergoingtogetoverhimifI’mwallowingaroundinself-pity. OrifI’msingle.
ItwilljustprovethateverythingBensaidwastrue Ibrushmytearsasideandclearmythroat.“Okay,I’lltry.” Hegrins,hisentirefacelightingup “Youwon’tregretthis I’mgoingtomakeyousohappy”
Anotheryearolder,andalreadyIcanfeelthepressureofmylifeweighingdownonme.I’mnotwhereIwanttobe,and therearetimeswhenIstillfeelseventeen,stuckinalifeIwanttogrowoutof.Attwenty-four,Ishouldbelivingalifewhere theonlyconcernIhaveismovingoutofmyparents’houseorfinishingadegree ButI’vedonethosethings Albeit,Ionly movedintothebungalownextdoorandI’veonlyjust gotmydegree.
AdegreeIhavenoideawhatIwanttodowith WhenIgotmydegreeintechnology,itwastohelpmydadwithhis business.Ilikecomputers,andsinceDadhatesalltheofficestuffandprefersbeingoutinthefield,itwasawin-winforboth ofus.ButworkingforhimfeltlikeasetbackfromeverythingIhadbeentryingtorunfrom.
BenDonovan
Aguywhostillhauntsme,andthehumiliationstillburns.Evenaftereverything,thesefeelingsIhaveforhimnever subsided I’vetriedsohardandfailedeverytime Hestillturnsmyworldupsidedown,andhestillrendersmespeechless Secretglancesandhiddenfeelingshavebeenmylifeeversincethenightofmydad’sbirthdayparty.
WantingsomeoneIcanneverhaveisasicknessIcanneverbecuredfrom SoIaddedabusinessadministrationdegreetomyCVandthoughtifIcouldbeapersonalassistanttomydad,Icouldbe thatforanothercompany.
AndIhave
IamnowanassistantadministratorfortheCEOofoneofthelargestgamingcompaniesintheUK.CastleandGameshave beenlaunchingnewsoftwareandgamessuccessfullyforeightyearsnowandareoneofthemostprofitableorganisationsinthe techindustry asidefromtheoriginals,likeSony,whohavebeenaroundforgenerations.
Butmylifestilldoesn’tfeelcomplete
Zach,whohasbeenmyofficialboyfriendfortwoyearsnow,finishesgivingmyordertothewaitress.LikeIcan’tspeak formyself.
He’sstillthesameZachfromschool,butinmanyways,he’schanged especiallyinthepasttwoyearswe’vebeen together.
Wetriedtodothewholerelationshipthingbackonmydad’sbirthday,butaftereightmonths,weendedit Idon’tknowif itwasbecauseitfeltforcedorbecauseweweren’tthatintoeachother.ButIplayedalongforaslongasIdid,hopingoneday Iwouldfeelsomething.
Ididn’t,soIaskedforustobejustfriends.
Itriedtodateotherpeopleafter,buttherelationshipsendedbadly.NoneofthemliveduptowhoIwanted.Zach,however, did Webarelyargued Henevercheatedordisappearedonnightsout Heneverignoredmycallsortexts Thereweresomany signsshininglikeabeacontobewithhim.
Twoyearsago,mylovelifewasinashambles,andIwasaskedtotakeapackageovertoBen’s Abeautifulwoman answeredthedoor,andshewaseverythingIwasn’t.ItmademerealiseBenwouldneverlookatmeinaromanticway.She hadastunningfigureandbeautifulfacialfeatures.EveninaT-shirt thatclearlywasn’thers sheoutshinedme.
ThatwasthedayIfinallytookmyrelationshipwithZachtothenextlevelandwebecameacouple.Ihadsomeonewho wantedme,andapartofmewantedtowanthim.Iwantedtowantsomeonewhowasn’tBenDonovan.Anditwasn’tlikeZach madememiserable Ilovebeingwithhim We’regoodtogether Orwewere.
Everydaysincewegottogether,there’sbeenamissingpieceinsideofme It’snotbecauseIdon’tlovehim Ithinkinmy ownway,Ido.Hejustdoesn’tmakemystomachflutter,andI’mneverexcitedtoseehim.
Liketoday.ItoldhimIhadplanswithmyfamilyformybirthday,butinstead,hechosetogoaroundmeandtalktomy mumaboutcancellingthem
Hebroughtmetoalavishrestaurant,wherethefoodisoutofmycomfortzone,andIprobablywon’teat.Icouldhave beeneatingatriplewhopperburgeratmyfavouritebeefhouse Instead,I’mhere
It’snotthefirsttimehe’sdonesomethinglikethis.Helovesmeandwantstobewithme,buthemakesmefeelinvisible. Heneverusedtoactlikethis AndthemoreIlethimgetawaywithhisactions,andthemoreIletsnidecommentspass,the moreIloseofmyself.Idon’tknowwhoIamanymore.Idon’trecognisethewomanwhostaresbackatmeinthemirror.
IstareatZachagain,tryingtoconjureupfeelingsthatIjustdon’tfeelanymore.Idon’twanttohurthim.He’sbeenmybest friend,myfirst,andmyboyfriendforacoupleofyears He’ssavedmefromheartbreakandhumiliationaftereverybreakupor incidentinmylife.
Butsomewherealongtheway,helostme I’vebeentryingtobreakitoffwithhimfornearlyayearnow eversincehebegantochange.Hischangeinbehaviour
mademerealisemyfeelingsneverwentpastwhatIfeelformyotherfriends.AndeverytimeIcametotheconclusionI couldn’tfixthisbetweenus,it’slikeheknewitwascoming.Hewouldchangeandsaysomethingsweet,orremindmeheisall I’lleverhave
I’mnotthispersonthough.Idon’tstringpeoplealong.ButthereisjustsomethingaboutZachthatstopsmefromspeaking thetruth Andmaybethatislove Idon’tknow
OrmaybeIdon’twanthimtohurtthewayIhurtwhenBenletmedown.
Idoknowthisisn’tfairtohimortome Ididn’twantittocometothisbuttodayhasprovedit’smyonlychoice Hereachesacrossthetabletotakemyhand,pullingmefrommythoughts.
“So,yournewgameisabigdeal,”heremarks,tryingtokeeptheconversationgoing.
Irubatmytemple,feelingaheadachebrewing “Yeah Onlyafewofushaveaccesstothedatauntilthelaunch Thereare toomanycompanieswhowoulddoanythingtogettheirhandsonthisgame.It’sgoingtobegood.”
Heletsoutabreath,smilingashegazesaroundthelavishrestaurant “Ibetyoudidn’tthinkyou’dbeinarestaurantas niceasthis,”heannounces.
Ijustwanttogohome Ihaven’tevenhadachancetospendtimewithmydadbecauseheleftreallyearlythismorning “No,IthoughtI’dbewithmyfamily,eatingaburger.”
“Youdon’twanttoeatthatcrap.I’vetoldyoubefore,ifyouwanttolosethosehips,youneedtolosethechips.”Helaughs athisownjoke
AllIdoisfeelmoreself-conscious.I’mnotoverweightbyanymeans,butIdohavewidehips,abigarse,andtits.They areinsecuritiesIknowmostpeoplewon’tcomplainabout,buthislittle jokes makemefeelworseaboutthem “Zach,”Ibegin,needingtojustgetthisoverwith.
Hesqueezesmyhand.“It’snotonlyoursix-yearanniversary,but ” “We’vebeentogetherfortwo,”Iremindhim.
Hewavesmeoff.“We’vebeentogetherlongerthanthatandyouknowit.It’sthebestchoiceyoucouldhavemade.Wefit together YouknowwhatIneedandIknowwhatyouneed”
HehasnocluewhatIneed.
“Zach,I ”
“Ithinkit’stimetoshoweveryonehowseriouswearetogether.You’vegotyournewjobnow,andI’llbefinishedwith mylawdegreesoon.”
Dreadhitsmystomachatwherethisisgoing.Oratleast,whereIthinkit’sgoing.“Idon’tfeeltoogood,”Imanageto chokeout,justashesays,“Ithinkweshouldmoveintogether.”
Oh God, no
“Zach…”MyphoneringsandIquicklydigitoutofmybag.
“Don’tanswerthat It’srude,”hescolds,glancingaroundlikehe’scaughtmewhippingoutdrugsandnotmymobile Iglanceatthescreen,seeingMum’sname.“It’smymum.”
“Shecanwait.Thisisaboutourfuture.She’llunderstand.”Hetakesmyphonefromme,placingitnexttohisknifeand fork Ibiteonmylip,staringatthephonelikeIcanwillittome Howdarehe!Iignorealotofthingswhenitcomestohim becausehelovesme.Inasmallway,Ilovehimtoo,butlately,he’sbeencocky,pushingboundariesheneverpushedbefore, andI’vehadenoughofit Ipullmyselffrommythoughts,realisinghe’sstillrambling “Whatdoyouthink?Shouldwemovein tomineoryours?Yoursisalittlesmallandmightbealittleembarrassingforyournewjob.Theyexpectyoutobe ”
Ishakeawaymyanger,meetinghisgaze “I’mnotmovingoutofmyhome”
“Whywouldyounotwanttomoveintomine?Itmakesnosense.Mineisfarnicer.” Hisparentsboughthimhisobnoxioushomeasagiftwhenhepassedhisfirstyearoflawschool.
“I’mnotmovingintoyourseither”
“Oh,Igetit.Youwanttofindahousethatisours.Imean,it’sdoable.Myparentswon’t ”
“No,Imean ”Myphonebeginstoringagain,andIbitemybottomlip Mymumonlyevercallscontinuouslyifit’s somethingimportant.“Ireallyshouldgetthat.”
“Callherafter,”hedemands “Thisisaboutourfuture,forChrist’ssake” “Zach,thisisn’tworking,”Isnap,snatchingthephoneoffthetable. “Christ,ifit’sthatimportant,justringherback.Ithoughttodaywasaboutus.”
“No,it’s my birthdaythatyou ’ ve completelyhigh-jacked” Hiseyesnarrowintoslits.“Fuck’ssake,Imogen.I’mtryingtodosomethingnice,somethingmostguyswon’tdo,and you’rebeingungrateful”
“I’mbeinghonest.There’sadifference.ItoldyouIdidn’twanttodoanythingwithyoutodaybecauseIcelebrateitwith myfamily.Youdidn’tlisten.”
“Areyouseriouslytryingtoputallofthisonme?Ididsomethingnice,Imogen.Can’tyoujustsaythankyouandenjoyour meal?Ithinkouranniversaryismoreimportantthananythingelserightnow.”
Ituckmyhandundermythightostopmyselffrompunchinghimintheface.Ifhewasanyoneelse,Iwouldhavealready knockedhimout.Butit’sZach.Wehavehistory.Andhe’salwaysbeenthereforme.
Myphoneringsagain,anddreadfillsmystomach Hequicklysnatchesit,answeringit “Hello,MrsSmith,it’sZach Can Imogencallyouback?Thankyou.”
Hedidn’tevenletherspeak Iheardheranswer,“ThankGod,Imogen,”beforehetookoverthecall Isnatchmyphonefromhishandandgrabmycoatfromthebackofmychair.“We’redone.”
“Youkeeplettingthemcontrolyourlife Youneedtogrowup,Imogen Allyourfamilytakeupsomuchofyourtime becauseyouletthem.”
“No,theydon’t.IgivethemmytimebecauseIlovebeingwiththem.Andtheyloveme.Believeitornot,Zach,someofus loveourfamily”
“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”heasks,hisvoicehigh-pitched.
“Itmeansyoutreatyourparentslikeacashmachine Andtheygiveittoyoubecauseyouareanonlychild,whichis probablywhyyoudon’tunderstandmyrelationshipwithmyfamily.”
“Youknowwhat,Idon’thavetolistentothis Idoeverythingforyou,Imogen Iofferedtopayyourbillswhilstyouwere lookingforanewjob.”
“No,youdiditsoIdidn’ttakeupmydad’sofferofworkingforhim,”Icorrectharshly.
Hescoffs “I’vebeenwithyouthrougheverythingandthisishowyoutreatme Youknowwhatit’sliketobehurtby someoneyoucareabout.Yetyoustandthere,breakingmyheart.”
Istarehimintheeyes,feelinghiswordsdowntomycore He’ssupposedtoloveme,yethehurtsmeeverychancehe gets.I’vebrusheditoffsomanytimes,buthetearsmeaparteverytimeheusesatallycharttocompeteinourrelationship. “Yeah,Idoknowwhatit’slike.”AndIhopehecatchesontoitmeaninghim.Becausehehas is hurtingme.
Iwalkaway,weavinginandoutofthetables,beingcarefulnottoknockintoanyoneinmyhastetogetoutofhere.Tears offrustrationburnmyeyes.Why,outofeveryone,ishetheonlypersonIallowtotreatmelikethis?IknowIhaven’texactly beenhonestwithmyfeelings,butIdon’tbreakhimdownuntilhefeelslikecrap I’veworkedhardtomakethiswork,tokeep ustogether,buthepushesbackeverysingletime.
Ihitthedoors,rushingoutsideoftherestaurantasmyphonebeginstoring Itakeabreath,wantingtocalmmyracing heart.Butsuddenly,HaydenCarterpullsupwithClaydrivinginadarkbluecar,musicblasting,andmyheartbeginstorace onceagain.
AndIknowwhatevermymumhastosayisbad.Itmustbereallybadformycousintocomeandseekmeout.
Please let my family be okay.
IslowlyliftthephonetomyearasIanswerthecall,myeyesneverleavingHaydenasshegetsoutofthecar “Hello,”I greet,mytonevoidofanyemotion.
“Honey,there’sbeenanincident Yourdadneedsus”
Mykneesthreatentogiveout.“IsDadokay?”
“Yes,sweetie.But…”
“Mum,please Whoishurt?”
“It’sBen.Theassignmenthewason…it’sendedbadly.Bengotstabbed,andtheyonlyfoundthemintheearlyhoursof thismorning Yourdadhasbeenupthehospitalallday” HaydenreachesmeandIfallintoherarms.“Keepittogether,”shewhispers,takingthephonefrommyhands.
“Hi,AuntKennedy,it’sme,Hayden We’regoingtobringhertothehospitalforyou Yeah,she’sokay Ithinkshewasjust worrieditwasherdadyouwerecallingabout.Iknow.Loveyoutoo.”Sheendsthecallandshovesmyphoneintomybag. “We’regoingtogotothehospitalandyouaregoingtostaystrong.”
“Hewasstabbed,”Iwhisper,asalltheemotionsItriedtokeepatbaycomefloodingback “HowcanIstaystrong?It’s Ben.Youknowwhathemeanstome.”
Shecloseshereyesforamoment “Andit’sbecauseofwhathemeanstoyouthatyouneedtostaystrong” Iwipeawaythetears,lettingoutadrylaugh.“AlltheseyearsI’vebeentellingmyselfI’moverhim,butlookatme.I’m stillobsessedoveraguywhohasnointerestinme”
“Youknowthat’snottrue,”shescolds. Iarchabrow.“Really?Areyoustillsingingthatsametune?Thisisme,Hayden.Bereal.”
Shepunchesmeinthearm,andfuckithurts “DoIcoddleanyone?” Ieyeherhand,worriedshe’llpunchmeagain.“No.”
“No,Ifuckingdon’t WhenItellyouhe’sintoyou,he’sfuckingintoyou NowaywouldIsteermyfamilywrong Ever” “Sorry,”Igrumpilyrespond.
“Somethingstoppedhimallthoseyearsago;thesamethingthatisstoppinghimnow.Idon’tknowwhat,buttrustme, whateveritis,it’sthereasonhehasn’tmadeamove.I’veseenthewayhelooksatyou.” “Likehepitiesme,”Isnort.
“No.Helooksatyouliketheworldiscrumblingaroundhim,butyou’retheonlypersonwhomatters.”
“Imogen,”Zachsnaps.“Ithoughtweweregoinghalvessinceit’sbothouranniversary.Youcouldhaveatleastleftme somemoney”
“Letmestabhim,”Haydenpleads,grippingmyhands.
“Iknewyouwouldregretthethingsyousaid,”heboasts,takinginthetearsonmycheeks “Youhavetoknowweare perfectforeachother.”
“Zach,pleasedon’tdothis Notrightnow”
“Youbrokeup?”Haydenaskscheerfully,likeshe’sbeentoldshe’swonthelottery. “No,”Zachsharplyresponds,asIsay,“Yes.”
“Whatdoyoumean,yes?”Zachasks “Wehadadisagreement Idon’tthinkitwarrantsustobreakup”
Ican’tpretendanymore.Theacheinmychestgrowsatthepanicinhisvoice,butalsothecondescendingtonehe’susing.I don’twanttohurthim,butthisisn’tworkingoutbetweenus,andwe’relyingtoourselvesthinkingotherwise
“Zach,youknowIvalueourfriendship,”Ibegin,ignoringHayden’ssnort.“Youmeanalottome,whichiswhyIcan’tdo thisanymore Wedon’tfit Ashardaswetry,wejustdon’tfit”
“Whatareyousaying?”
“YouknowwhatI’msaying.Isaidittoyouinsidetherestaurant.We’redone.”
Histoplipliftsatthecornerintoasnarl “Aftersixyearstogether?”
“Two,”Icorrect,reachingforwardtotakehishand.“I’msorryyou’reupset.Itwasnevermyintention.Butthisisover now We’redone”
“Why,though?Iknowyoubetterthananyoneeverwill,andIstillstuckaround.” “Zach,youdon’treallyknowme.”
“Yes,Ido,”heargues.
“Thenwhydidyoucancelmyplanswithmyfamily?”Idemand.
“Becauseit’souranniversary”
“No,it’smybirthday.You’veknownmealongtimeandyouknowmybirthdayisspecialtomyparents.Iwasapremature baby,andmymumanddadcouldhavelostme Butbesidesthat,youshouldknownoonewillevercomebeforethem”
“Notnoone.Youmeanme.Yourmumlikesme,soit’syourdadwhohasputyouuptothis.Thishascomeoutof nowhere,”hecomments,hiseyesnarrowingonHayden.“AndIbetitwasyouwhoturnedhimagainstme.”
“Igaveyousomanysigns,Zach,somanythatthiswasn’tworkingandtogiveyouachancetofixthings.”
“Andyoulostherdad’srespectwhenyoupurposelymadeherlateforcurfew,”Haydensuppliesinabittertone.
Hegazesatme,hisexpressionscrunchedupinaplea “Pleasedon’tdothis”
“I’msorry,Zach,Itrulyam,butI’msureaboutthis.FromthemomentIsaidIwasdoneinthere,aweighthasbeenlifted. I’veputsomuchpressureonmyselftomakethiswork,tofeelwhatyoufeel,butit’stoomuch Icareforyou,Zach Youare oneofmyclosestfriends.ButIcan’tbeinarelationshipwithyouanymore.”
“There’ssomeoneelse,isn’tthere?”
Iletgoofhishand,hurtbytheaccusation “What?” “It’sfuckinghim,isn’tit?”
Myeyeswidenattheaggressioninhistone “Who?”
“Thatcriminal.Theonewhoisalwayssniffingaroundyou.”
Haydencoughsintoherfist “HemeansBen” “Benisn’tacriminal,”Irespondinhisdefence.
Zachlaughs.“Yeah,heis.You’resuchafool.He’shadthewoolpulledoveryoureyesforyearsnow.” “Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“He’sathief.Hegotcaughtandhadtopayforhismistakes,soheworkedforyourdad.”
“Hasanyonetoldyourecentlythatyou’readick,”Haydenspitsout,pullingmeclosertoherside “Whatdoyouknow?”Iaskher,sinceshedoesn’tseemassurprisedasIdo. Haydensqueezesmyarm “Yourdad’scarwasstolenandBenwasfoundbythepolicewithit Butit’snotwhatyouthink Hehadnochoice.”
Zachlaughsharder.“Don’tmakeexcusesforhim.Nooneisforcedtodoanything.” “Hewastryingtosavehisbrotherfromagangthatwasforcinghimtodoillegalshit Hewasonlytwelve,andwhenhe refusedtodowhattheyasked,theythreatenedhissiblings.Again,hewastwelveandscaredoutofhisfuckingmind.Ifyouask me,Benshouldhavebeenrewardedforbeingsofuckingnoble”
Iwavemyhandbetweenthem,shakingmyhead.MyheartbreaksforLucca.He’sakindsoulandfunnyashell.Icanonly imaginewhatthatdidtohim.“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatBendidyearsago.Thishasnothingtodowithhim.I’mnotseeinghimor anyone.”
“Youexpectmetobelievethat?Youjusthappenedtobreakupwithmefornoreason.”
“Oh,forfuck’ssake,”Haydenbarks.“She’salwaysbeentoogoodforyou.Ifyouaskme,she’sasaintforputtingupwith yourself-obsessedarsealltheseyears.Tenminuteswithyouwouldmakemecommitmurder.”
“Wouldn’tbethefirsttime,”heretortssharply “Begratefulshe’sofferingyoufriendshipbecauseI’donlygiveyouachoiceofwhereyouwantmetostabyou.Youareso self-absorbedyoudon’tevenrealisesheisn’trespondingtoyouduringaconversation Youdon’tseeitwhenherfacefalls intoasadpoutbecauseyou’vespokenoverher.Younevernoticewhenshe’shadherhairdone.Andyou’veneveronce cottonedontothefactshedoesn’tloveyouback Ifyouaskme,yougotamiraclewhenitcomestoher,becauseifyouwere anyoneelse,shewouldhaveburiedyoualongtimeago.”
“Well,it’sagoodjobnooneisaskingyou,”hearguesbeforeturningtome.“Comebacktomine.Wecantalkaboutthisin private ”
“There’snothinglefttotalkabout,”Itellhim,sadnesspouringintomyheart.“AndIhavetogotothehospital.Thecall yourefusedtoletmetake thatwasmymumaskingmetogotothehospital” Hestepsback,placinghishandsbehindhisneck.“Ididn’tknow.”
“Becauseyouneverasked Now,I’mdonehere,”Itellhim ItakeHayden’shand “Takemetothehospital” HecallsmynamebutIignorehim,steelingmyspinesohispleasdon’tcrushmysoulanymorethantheyalreadyhave.
Everyinchofmybodyaches.Sweatbeadsatmytemples,runningdownthesidesofmyfaceasItrytoshiftintoacomfier position
WhenItookthejobprotectingafamilyofthreefromaserialkiller whohappenedtobethetwinbrotherofthemanI wasprotecting Ididn’tthinkitwouldenduplikethis Ididn’tassumeitwouldbeaneasyassignment,butIneverimaginedI wouldendupinhospitalwithasevereconcussion,recoveringfromastabwound.I’velostsomuchblood,I’mluckytobe alive
ButIwoulddoitallagain.I’veonlyknownthecoupleandtheirdaughterforashortamountoftime,butduringthattime, I’vegrownclosetothem.They’regoodpeople,andhavehugehearts.
Theonegoodthingtocomeoutofthisisthattheserialkillerisnowbackbehindbars Allofhisvictims’familieswill finallyhaveclosure,andnooneelseheplannedtotargetwillbehurt.
Thesweetnursewhohasbeencomingintocheckmybandagesandvitals,cluckshertongue Herblondehairisswept backintoatightbunnearthenapeofherneck.Shehaskindeyesandasweetsmile.She’snotasyoungastheothernurses, whichIprefer Thefirstnursetoattendtomeseemedunprofessionalandshouldn’thavebeeninhere Sheaskedabunchof questionsshehadnorighttoask,andflirtedtothepointIhadsecond-handembarrassment.Iwasgladwhenshegotremoved fromtheroom.Itgavemeachancetofinallyrelaxandletmyguarddown.
“Itoldyoutostopmovingbeforeyoupullastitch,”thenursesoftlyscolds “Sorry.”Igrimace.“It’suncomfortable.”
Shegrabsapillowfromthechair,bringingitovertoplacebehindme Shegivesitafewtapstofluffitupbeforestepping back.“Isthatbetter?”
Itestit,andsighwithgratefulness.“Thankyou.”
“Youhavealotofvisitors.Areyousureyoudon’twantmetoletsomecomeinandseeyou’reokay?”
“Mymotherworries.She’llbethereasonIpopmystitches,”Itease,wincingatthethrobbinginmyside.“She’sseenI’m okay”
“Whydon’tyoureallywantthemtocomeinandseeyou?”
Isigh,meetingthekindwoman’seyes “BecauseIcan’ttakethepainIseeinhereyeswhenshelooksatmeinthis condition.Shelostmydadtoaknifeattack.Theyownedarestauranttogether,andonenight,shedidn’tcomehomeontime.He wenttocheckonherandfoundthreemenrobbingthecashregisters.Oneofthemhadaknifetomymum’sneck,andhetriedto helpher.Hegotstabbedanddiedinherarmsbeforetheparamedicsarrived.”
Sheleansonthebednexttomyfeet.“I’msosorryaboutyourdad.”
“Itwasalongtimeago”
“Still,letmegogetthem.They’reworried,andthelasttimeIlooked,Ithinkshehadyoursiblingswithher.”
Idon’tknowwhyIpictureImogen,butIdo,andIhavetoask:“Isthereagirlwithauburnhairwiththem?Shehashazel eyes,andwillhaveridiculouslyhighheelson.”
“There’samanwithhiswife,daughterandsonoutthere.Themanhasn’tleftbutthewifeandchildrencamebackthis morningandhavebeensittingoutthereallday,waitingfornews”
IthastobeImogen.
Ibowmyhead,glancingatmylap Imadealotofmistakesovertheyears,butsheismyonlyregret RegretthatInever gavein.RegretthatIdidn’ttellherhowIfeel.Andregretforbeingunabletostayaway,evenwhenIknowIshould.
WhenIwaslyinginthepantry,bleedingprofusely,IthoughtofImogen She’stheonlypersonwhohasevermadeacrack inthewallsI’veputup,andtheonlywomanI’veeverlikedwhohasbeenuntouchable.Forsomanyreasons.
ButitwasherIwantedtoseebeforeIdied.ItwashervoiceIwantedtohear.AndIwantedhertouch,tomakemeforget aboutthepain,andwhatIthoughtwastocome Death.
“YoucantellthemtogohomeandthatI’mfine,”Itellthenurse
“Whyareyoupunishingyourself?Youhavepeopleouttherewhowanttocomeinandcheckonyou.Theyclearlycarea lotaboutyou”
Ican’tmeethergaze.“BecauseIletmybossdown.Ican’tfacethatjustyet.Iletthemalldown.”
“Howdidyoulethimdown?”sheasks,gettingtoherfeettocheckthedrip.
“BecausethepeopleIwasprotectinggothurt Ifitwasn’tforhercrazy-arsefriends,we’dmostlikelyallbedeadright now.”
“Hey,whatyoudidforthatfamilywasheroic Thenursestalk,andfromwhattheyhavesaid,thefamilyyousavedareso gratefultoyou,andtheyfeelawfulyougothurt.”
There’saknockonthedoortotheprivateroomI’min.IglanceupasColeandEmilystepinside.Bothlooklikethey’ve beeninacarwreck.Bruisescovereveryinchoftheirskin,andColelookslikehe’sbeenintheringwithRiverKnight.
Ifinallyclosemylipsfromtheshockofseeingthemsosoon
Emilytucksherblondehairbehindherearastearsfalldownhercheeks.“I’msosorryyougothurt,”shedeclares,moving closertothebed
Coleclearshisthroat,hisAdam’sapplebobbing.“Man,whatyoudidforme…I’msofuckinggrateful.”
“Ididn’tdoanything,”Ichokeout,mythroatsuddenlydry
ColewalkstoEmily’sside,nexttothebed.“Yes,youdid.Thatknifewasforme.Notyou.Ifyouhadn’tpushedmeaside whenyoudid,hewouldhaveguttedmethereandthenoutofanger.Yougavemetime.”
“Yougave us time,”Emilywhispers “Iknowitwasn’ttheplan,butitstillhelpedeverythingfallintoplace”
“Howdidyourfriendscapturehim?Thepolicesaidhisanklesandwristsweretied,andhewaslayingonhisfrontwhen theyarrived”
Emily’scheeksflushassheglancesaway.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Whatmattersisthatyou’reokayandwe’resogratefulto you”
“Iknowmoneyisn’tgoingtochangeanythingthathappened,soIdidsomethingthatwouldmeanmoretoyou.Ihavepaid offthedebtforyourmother’srestaurant.Theentirebuildingnowbelongstoyouandyourfamily.”
Myjawdrops “Cole,wecan’tacceptthat”
Sincetheeconomyhasgonetoshit,therehavebeenpropertyownerswhohaveabuseditandprofitedbyincreasingtheir costs Mymumwasbehindontherentbecausehermortgageratewentup Withfivechildrentosupport,andwiththerestaurant closedforrepairs,shebegantostruggle.Whathe’sdonehassavedourfamily.Ourlivelihoodwillberestored.Butmostly,my mumwillgettokeeptheoneplaceshefeelsthemostconnectedtomydad.
“Well,it’sdone.AndevenifIlistentoyou,Idon’tthinkthey’llapprovearefund.Wewanttodothis.”
“ButIwasdoingmyjob,”Iargue.“Andnotdoingitwell,sothisisunnecessary.”
“Iwasgoingtodothisbeforeyougotstabbed Youresearchedme,soyouknowwhatcompaniesIownandwhyIown them,”Colebegins.“Iresearchedyoutoo,andIfoundoutthatyourmumcooksforthehomelessandhiresschoolkidsto deliverfoodpackageseachnight It’soneofthereasonsshewasgoingoutofbusiness” Itis.She’llneverstopcookingforthem.Evenbeforetheyhadtherestaurant,shewouldbeinherkitchen,cookingup mealsforthoseinneed.Shedoesitforlowincomefamilieswhosheknowsarestruggling.
“We’vealsosetupacharitysoyourmumwillnolongerbetheonepayingforthefood.Andwithherhelp,wewillget otherbusinesseswithgoodresourcesandwithahighnumberofhomelessnessintheirareatojoin.”
“Thankyou,”Ibreatheout “Shewillnodoubtinviteyoutoeatatherrestaurant”
EmilysmilesupatCole,leaningintohim.“She’sofferedtocookforourwedding.”
Myeyeswiden “You’regettingmarried?”
Takinghisfiancée’shand,Colenods.“Weare.”
“Congratulations.”
Thedoorknocksagainstthewallasthestormofmymotherenterstheroom “Mio figlio,youworryyourmother,”she declaresloudly.
Emilyleanscloser,squeezingmyhand “Wewillcomeandseeyouwhenyou’rebackhome Thankyouagainfor everythingyoudidforus.”
“Everything,”Coleinsists
“You’rewelcome.Andthankyouforwhatyou’vedone.”
Whentheyleave,thenursefollowingafterthem,Iletoutatiredbreathandturntomymother.Sheisinherfiftiesyetstill managestolookinherfortiesandhastheenergyofatoddler Herblackhairispinnedupatthenapeofherneck,andshe’s wearingthenecklacemydadgavetoher,whichsheattachedhisweddingringto.Herthick,darkeyebrowsriseasshestaresat me Allmysistersandyoungerbrothertakeaftermymum Theyhaveherdarkeyesanddarkhair,whereasItakeaftermydad Ihavehiseyesandhiscolourhair.
“I’msorry, Mamma Iwasresting”
“You’reforgiven, mio figlio.Yoursisterswillbehereshortly.TheypickedupLuccafromfootballforme.”
“YouletStefaniadrive?”
Stefaniaistheoldestfemalesibling,andalthoughshewasblessedwithbrains,drivingisanimpossiblemissionforher SometimesIwonderifshepassedhertestbecauseofherbeauty,becausethegirlhashadmoreminorincidentsthananyone I’veeverknown
“Ofcoursenot.Howthatgirlpassedhertestisbeyondme.IletCarinadrive,”sheexplains. Myeyeswiden.Carinaisn’tabaddriver,butherattentionspanisshockinglyalotliketheDisneyfishcalled Dory.
“YouwouldhavebeenbetterlettingIsabelladrive.She’smoreresponsible,”Ipointout.
“Thatgirlcan’ttakehereyesoffherphone,”sheremarks.“Soon,yourbrotherwillpasshistest,andhecandrive
himself.”
“Mamma,”Ichuckle,grimacingatthepainwhenitpullsthestitchestaut.“Ouch.”
“Mio figlio,I’mgoingtosetupabedathomeforyou,”shewhispers,herwordsbroken Thepaininhereyeshurtsmorethanmyinjuries.“Mum,Ihaveahome.”
“Youhaveaflat There’sadifference,”sheargues “Howwillyougetaround?”
“It’sallonthesamelevel, Mamma.I’llstrugglemorewithyoubygoingupanddownthestairstogotothebathroom.I’ll beokay I’mnotleavingforanothercoupleofdaysyet,sowe’regood”
Shetakesadeepbreath.“ThenIhaveacoupleofdaystochangeyourmind.”
“Youwon’tbutyou’rewelcometotry.”
Shefixestheblanketatmywaist “Youarestubbornlikeyour papà ”
“That’snotabadthing,”Ipointout.
Herheadlowers,hergazeontheblanket,wheremyinjurieshidebeneathit “Youscaredme,Benjamin” “Ididn’tmeanto.Ipromise.”
Sheplacesherhandsonherlap,forcingasmile “Our amato Imogenisoutside Haveyouseenher?”
IsmileatherendearmentofcallingImogenourbeloved.MumhasalwayslovedImogen.TherearetimeswhenIthinkshe likeshermorethanme.
“AreEvanandKennedywithher?”
“Yes,andJoshuajustarrived.Evanreallywantstoseeyou.”
“WillyougoandlethimknowIwishtoseehim,please?Thenursesaidhehasbeentheresincetheybroughtmein” “Hehas.Heworriestoo,myson.Ithinkhefeelsguilty.”
“Hehasnoreasonto,”Iassureher.
Shegetsup,butbeforesheleaves,sheleansoverandpressesherlipstomyforehead.“I’llgoletthemknow,andthenI’ll goandmeetyoursiblingsattheentrance.”
“Thankyou, Mamma,”Irespond Ileanbackwhensheleaves,mymindcloudedwiththoughts.Evanwillneverreplacemyfather,butthereisnodenyinghe hasbecomeafatherfigureinmylife HehasbeensomeoneI’velookedupto,andisthepersonIowemylifeto Hesavedme fromaprisonsentence.Droppingthetheftchargeswasn’tenoughforthepoliceastheydidn’tbelieveIwasn’tassociatedwith thegang.Evandidbelieveme,andtooktimetogatherevidencetoprovemystatement.Thankstohim,Ihavenocriminal record,andmyaffiliationtothegangwaserased,sinceIhadonlybeendoingittosavemybrother.Itwasmybrotherwho stolethecar.ItwasamiracleIevencaughtuptohim,consideringIwasonmybike.Buthewasalsoatwelve-year-oldwho hadn’tdrivenbefore Hewasamess,sobbingthattheymadehimdoit,andhedidn’tknowwhattodo
Iwillneverforgetthatmoment.Hehadbeensoscared,soIhadtosavehim.SoassoonasIsawtheflashingbluelights,I threwhimoutofthecar,orderedhimtorunhometoMum,anddroveaway IdroveafewstreetsawayfromwhereIlefthim, knowinghewouldn’tbeabletocatchupwithmeinthestatehewasin.Iparkedandwaitedforthepolicetofindme.
Evansawthroughallofthat.Iowehimeverythingbecausethepolicemanthatarrestedmehaditoutforthegang and rightlyso Theytriedtomughiswifeintown,butsheputupafight Agroupofthemattackedher,andherinjuriesweresevere enoughthatshedidn’tmakeitofftheground.
Thedooropens,andEvanholdsitopenforhiswife Kennedy “Hey,”Igreet “Sweetheart,howareyoufeeling?”Kennedyaskssoftly,movingovertothesideofmybed.
“I’vebeenbetter,”Iadmit “Kid,youhadmeworried,”Evandeclares,hisjawclenching. Iarchabrow.“Ididn’tmeanto.”
“I’msosorry,kid Ishouldhavetakenthejobknowinghowdangerousitwas,”hereplies,squeezingmycalf “Youcan’tprotecteveryone,”Ipointout.“Thisismyjob,andIthinkI’mgoodatit.” “Youexcelinit,”herespondsearnestly “Thenyouknowit’saresponsibilitywealltakeon.Youcan’tsaveusfromthat.I’mjustsorryIletyoudown.Ithought ourplanwassolid”
“Itwassolid.Nooneexpectedhimtogetintothehome.” Igrimaceatthereminder.Icheckedthesecuritymyself.“DoyouknowhowCyrusgotin?” “Hecutthewires,”heexplains “Butthey’reunderthedirt.”
“Heknewwheretodig It’swhynoneofyouknew Allthesensorshadbeendisarmed”
“It’samiracletheyareallokay,”Imurmur,lostinmythoughtsforaminute.“Theyhavealittlegirl.Aftertheyhadthe fightatthelodge,ItriedtalkingColeintobeinghonestwithEmilysoherandPoppycouldgobackhome.Inearlygotalittle girlkilled,”Ichokeout,therealissuefinallysurfacing.It’swhyIdon’tdeservetotakeCole’sthankyoupresent.Icouldhave beenresponsibleforhimlosingthetwomostimportantpeopletohim.“Ifhehadlistenedtome,iftheyhadmovedback,she
wouldhavebeenkilledandthebloodwouldhavebeenonmyhands.”
“Hey,no,no,no,”Evanstresses.“Youcan’tthinklikethat.Youjustcan’t.Itwilleatatyou.”
Kennedytakesmyhand “Itwill” Ihatethathe’sseeingmesoweak.Iwipeawayatear,frustratedwithmyself.“HowcanInot?Fuck,noneofthisshould havehappened”
“Iknowawomanwhowasoncecaringforababy,”Kennedybegins,hereyesclosing,butitdoesn’tmaskherpainquick enough “Babe,”Evansoftlyresponds.
Pullingherselftogether,shecontinues.“Thebabywaskidnappedinhercare.Unspeakablethingswereplannedforthe baby,thingsnooneshouldevergothrough Bothsheandtheparentsblamedthemselvesforthatbabygoingmissing,even thoughitwasoutoftheircontrol.It’snotsomethingyouevermovepastorforget.Buttheyweren’ttoblameandneitherare you Youdidn’tputthatlittlegirlindanger Youdidn’t,Ben Yousavedherfromlosingtwoparents”
Iwanttoknowwhothebabywasandwhyit’saffectedthemboththismuch,butsomethingtellsmeifIasked,itwould bringupmemoriestheydon’twantsurfacing
Evanclearshisthroatashewrapshisarmaroundhiswife.“Lookatitthisway,kid.IfColehadlistenedtoyouand broughthisfamilyhome,doyouthinkhewouldhavemadethemstayhomealonewhilstyouwereattheclub?”
Nowhe’sputitlikethat,no,Colewouldn’thave Iwouldn’thave “No”
“Noneofwhathappenedisyourfault.Ifyouaskme,whathappenedwasthebestoutcomeconsideringwhoyouwere dealingwith”
“I’mjustgladit’soverforthem,”Ianswer,unabletocovermyyawn. Kennedy’sforeheadcreasesinconcern.“Weshouldletyousleep.” MygazefallsonEvan.“Youlooklikeyouneedsleep.”
Hechuckles.“Youtooktenyearsoffmylife.”
“MumsaidImogenandJoshareoutside,”Icomment,knowingthere’snotreallyaquestionthere “Theyare.Theywantedtocomeinandseeyou,butthenursesaidonlytwovisitors.We’llcomebackuptomorrowand seeyou,”Kennedypromises “Getsomerest,”Evanorders.
“Wait,whencanIcomebacktowork?”
Hegiveshiswifea‘whatdidItellyou’lookbeforemeetingmygaze.“NotuntilaftertheNewYear.ButIexpectyoutobe attheNewYear’sparty.”
“I’llbethere,”Ipromise “ButIdon’tthinkIcangothatlongwithoutwork”
“You’vejusthadmajorsurgery.Andyoualreadyknowyou’llgetpaidlikenormal,”heremarks. “Thenletmecomeinandcatchuponpaperwork,”Iplead “I’lllosemymindbeingstuckathome” “ThenI’lldoyouadeal.Youtaketherestofthemonthofftogetbetter,andyoucancomebackonthefirstofDecember. YouknowDecemberisaslowmonthforus,soyou’llonlybedoingpaperworkanyway.”
Iletoutabreathofrelief “Thankyou,Evan Thankyou” “Noproblem.Butinthemeantime,youneedtoconcentrateonhealingandgettingbackonyourfeet.”
Inodinagreement “Iwill Iswear”
Kennedyleansover,pressingherlipstomyforehead.“Getbetter,sweetheart.”
Evantakesmyhand,hishandshakenotasfirmasitnormallyis “Wewillcomebyandseeyoutomorrow” Inod,mythroattighteningattheconcernstillinhiseyes.“Okay.”
Whentheyleave,Istareatthedoor,hopingthatjustmaybeImogenwillcomeinandsayhello.Butwhenanotherfive minutespass,Iknowsheleftwithherparents Whichisprobablyforthebest Sheisstilloff-limits,nomatterhowtemptingsheis.
Oneweeklater
Theofficeisbustlingwithactivity,everyoneexcitedforthelaunchthatishappeningaftertheNewYear.Thereareonlya selectfewofuswhohaveaccesstothedata,andI’moneofthem.
Inthetinycornerofficetheyassignedme,I’mhiddenawayfrompryingeyes WhichissomethingI’mgratefulforduring thismoment.Idon’twantanyoneseeingmepracticallypullingmyhairout.DuetotheMondayItookofflastweek,mywork loadhasgonetoshit MoreworkpileduponmydeskinmyabsencebecauseIwasn’theretosayIcouldn’tfititin AndI don’twanttoletmybossdownbyreturningittothecolleaguesitbelongsto.Hemightseemeasdifficultorunableto delegate.Idon’twanthimtothinkhemadeamistakeinhiringme.
TheunsettlingfeelingI’vehadinthepitofmystomachsinceIfoundoutaboutBenhasn’thelped It’sallI’vebeenableto focuson.Ionlygottosneakintohisroomforashorttime.Andtherehewas,bruisedandpaleinhisbed,unbeknownsttomy presence HewasBen,buthewasn’t Forthoseshortmoments,hewasjustashellofthemanIknew Anditbrokeme.
Henearlydied,andwasstillcriticalbythatpoint,soIdidtheonlythingIcouldthinkof Itookhishandandcried, pleadingwiththeuniversetosavehim.
I’vealwaysknownmydad’slineofworkcouldbedangerous.Asidefromthesecuritytheyprovidetoprotectclientsfrom outsideevil,theycanalsobeindangerdoingbasicsurveillanceorinvestigation Harris mydad’sfriendandbusinesspartner wasinvestigatingaspouseofaclientwhowasstringingouttheirdivorce.Heuncoveredmorethanhebargainedfor,andthe spouse,thinkinghegottoHarrisbeforetheinformationwasshared,cutthebreakstohiscar Harrishadbeenluckytosurvive thecrashandthespousehadbeenluckynootherciviliansintheaccidenthaddied.
Growingup,theyweresuperheroestome Nothingcouldtouchthem ButsinceBen,it’smademerealisehoweasyit couldbetoloseDadandthosewhoworkforhimthathavebecomefamily.Andit’salossI’dneverrecoverfrom.
LarryCarpenter,mybossandtheCEOofCastleandGames,stepsintomyoffice,asmileplasteredonhisface.Heisthe manIassist,andhisofficesitsbesidemine Thisvisitisn’tasurprise HecomesinonceaweektoaskmeifI’msettlingin
“Imogen,Ihopeyouaresettlinginokay,”hegreets,keepingtohispatternofquestioning.
I’vebeeninthejobforclosetoamonthnow,andI’velovedeverysecondofit “Iam I’msorryIhaven’tgottenchanceto sendthelaunchinvitationsoutyet.IwaswonderingiftherewasanywayIcouldtakethelisthomewithmeandsendthem tonight.”
“Youknowthepolicy,”hetellsme,likeI’mworryinghim.
“Iknow.IthoughtitwasworthamentionasIwouldn’thavedoneitfromaworkcomputerbutmyown.”
“IappreciateyourdedicationbutI’msorry ThisissomethingIcan’tallow”
“That’sokay.I’lldoitfirstthingwhenIcomeintomorrowmorning,”Ireply,forcingasmile.
“Ifthepaceistoomuchforyou,Icanhaveoneoftheotherstakesomeofyourworkload,”heoffers,butIcantellbyhis tonethathewon’tbehappyaboutit.He’llprobablygivemeastrikeforit.
You mean return it.Iwasn’ttheothers’assistant.IwasLarry’s.Yetallofthempiledworkontomydesk,expectingmeto completeit,usingthefakeexplanationthatitwasforLarry.
Andthismorningwasspentplayingthedemo,searchingforanyerrorsorloopholesinthecontent.Igotsoengrossedin Sanctuary:TheLastMan,Icompletelylosttrackoftime
“No,I’vegotit.Ijustwantedtofreeupsometimetocompilealistforpotentialdemocandidates.Iknowthisis somethingyoudon’tdo,butIreallythinkthenewreleasecouldbenefitfromit,”Ibegin,andcontinuewhenhedoesn’tshutme down.“Thisnewgame,intherighthands,couldsoaryourlaunch.Thegamingcommunityisacompetitiveworld,butI’ve playedthedemo,andIcantellyou,ifthishitstherightgaminginfluencers’handsbeforethelaunchdate,itwillsellitself.You couldcutthemarketingbudgetbyhalfanduseittopromotetheextrasyouhaveplannedtoaddinayearafterrelease”
Hetakesaseatinfrontofme,straighteninghisjacketandtie.“Youreallythinkthatwouldwork?”
Inod,excitementbubblinginmychest Findingnewwaystomarketandpromoteisadreamofmine “Ido I’vetakenit uponmyselftodrawupsomeplansforyou.Inrecentstudies,ithasbeenproventhatthosewhoreleasewithoutademotank theirreleasewithinthefirstmonthorsufferalossofhalfofthesalesprediction Ican’tspeakforthosegamesingeneralasI haven’tplayedthempersonally,soIcan’ttellyouifitwasthegameitself,orwhetheritwasthemarketingstrategy.Thatsaid, thesamepatternkepthappeningoverthepastfewyears.Influencersarenowthemarket,andtheysellthirtypercentmore productsthanadsdo”IhandhimthepamphletIputtogether “Readthroughthepamphletandletmeknowwhatyouthink I haveinfluencersinmind.Thatcommunityishuge,butI’mpositiveIcangetthegametotherightaudience.”
“Iappreciateyougoingtothismuchtrouble”
RememberingeverythingIlearnedinuniversity,Ispeakup,usingasoftertone.“Itwasactuallyyouwhogavemetheidea
duringMonday’smorningmeeting.Youmentionedreachingtherightaudience,soIlookedthroughyourarchivesandfound yourfirstsoftwarerelease.Yournumbershitarecord-breakingpercentage,andInoticedyousentoutdemostoovertwentythousandcandidatesallovertheworld”
“Outofcuriosity,doyouthinkourmarketingstrategyiswrong?”
“Farfromit Yourproductshavesoldthemselves,earningprofitswellabovemarketpredictions Butyouhavenever releasedagamelikethisbefore.Thisisn’tanupdateoncoexistinggames.It’snew,andtherearemanymoreouttherethat marketthesameasthisone Youjustneedtoreachtheaudiencewhowillpromotethatit’sbetterandbigger Youwantitto standout.Youdon’tjustwanttoreacholdergenerations.Mostwomenandmenabovethirtyhavefull-timejobsorafamilyto providefor.Thisneedstoreachtheyoungergenerationtoo.Agenerationofgamerswhoplayforaliving.Ialreadyhave twentyinmindbecauseInotonlyplaywiththem,butIknowtheydolivestreams,teachingothersthetricksandthetrades TheyuncovertheEastereggsthat,quitefrankly,mostgamerslookpast.Theyaretheonesyouwantpromotingthisgame,”I admit,shrugging,likeit’snobigdeal “I’veplayedthisgame,andI’mnotjustsayingthisbecauseIworkhere,butit’s incredible.It’sdifferenttoanycombatgameI’veplayedbefore,andIdon’tthinkthecurrentmarketingplanwillfulfilits potentialtoexpressthat I’mworrieditwilltakemonthsbeforeweseethesaleswearehopingfor”
“You’vemadegoodpoints,Imogen.ContinuecompilingthatlistandIwillhaveaseriousthinkaboutit.”
“That’sallIcanaskfor.Thisisn’tsomethingyouneedtodo,butIwouldn’tbethepersonyouhiredifIdidn’tmentionit.I reallywantthisgametosucceed,soifyousayno,Iwillthinkofotherwaystohelpmarketthis”
“No,it’snicetoseeatalentedyoungwomanlikeyourselfusingtheirinitiative.I’vebeentooconsumedwithkeepingit fromourcompetitors IguessIlostsightofthemarketing”
“Everyoneherelovesworkingforyou,MrCarpenter.Nooneherewoulddreamofleakingallyourhardwork.”AndI meanit.IwassurprisedbytheatmospherewhenIfirststarted.Itdidn’tfeellikework,itfeltlikeafamily.
Heletsoutabreath.“You’dbesurprisedbythenumberofpeoplewhowouldleakthesoftwareforabigpayday.It’s happenedtousbefore,whichiswhywearebeingextracautiousthistime.”
“No,Iunderstand,sir,”Irespond,andglanceattheworkonmydesk,wonderinghowIwillgetthisdoneintime “Isthere somethingelseyouwouldliketotalkabout?”
“OnMonday,youmentionedyourfriendwashurt,whichiswhyyouneededthetimeoff” “Hewas.Heworksformydadsohe’spracticallyfamily.Youprobablyreadaboutitinthenewspaperorsawitonthe news.Hewasprotectingafamilyfromaserialkiller.”
Hiseyeswiden.“TheNightStalkerKiller,whohappenedtobethetwinbrotherofrenownedbusinessmanColeConnor?” “Theveryone.Thekiller,Cyrus,stabbedBenandknockedhimunconscious.Mydadwasbesidehimselfwhenhegotthe news Benisn’tjusthisemployee He’slikeasontohim He’sfamilytous,soitwashardonusall,soI’msoverygratefulfor yourunderstanding,andforgivingmethattimeoffsoearlyoninmyjob.Theyneededme.”
“I’msosorryaboutyourfriend Lauramentionedyoutoldherhelikedacertaingame” “Yes,theZombieApocalypseGroundZerogame.”
Hepullsoutaplasticcasewiththegamecoveron.“Hereisthenewversionofthegame.ItreleasesChristmas,butI thoughtyourfriendmightliketoplayitwhilstherecuperates HadIknownwhohewas,andwhathedid,Iwouldhaveputa baskettogetherfromthevault.”
Itakethegamefromhishands,myeyeswidening Becauseit’snotonlyBenwholovesthisgame Ido AndI’vebeen waitingforthepre-ordertobecomeavailablebeforepurchasingit.Thevaultiswheretheystoreabunchofmerchandisefrom previousreleasesornewreleases ThereareevensomeunreleasedproductsdowntherethatInearlyfaintedover Asagamer, itwasanoverwhelmingexperiencetoseeit.
“Sir,Idon’tknowwhattosay.Thisisseriouslycoolofyou,”Ideclare,forgettingwhereIamforaminute.
“You’rewelcome,”hereplies,smilingatmywide-eyedgaze “I’llletyoufinishup,andI’llseeyoutomorrow”
Hestands,andIfollow,reachingovertoshakehishand.“Thankyou.AndI’llhavethatinformationonyourdeskby morning”
“Lookingforwardtoreadingit.”
Oncehereachesthedoor,Icallouthisname Hestops,waitingformetocontinue “Ireallyappreciatetheopportunityyou havegivenme.AndIpromiseyouwillneverregrethiringme.”
“Goodtohear.Youhaveagooddaynow.”
Thedayiscomingtoanendandmybackisscreamingwithjoy.BeingsatforhoursatatimeissomethingIshouldbeused to,beingagamerandall,butthisfeelsdifferent.Ineedamassageafterthisweekisover.
Aknockonthedoordistractsmefromfinishingmyemail.“Comein,”Icallout.
George,whostartedworkingherethesamedayasme,stepsinsidemyoffice.Heworksonthefrontdeskofthisfloor,but
hishopesaretoonedayworkhiswayintocreatinggames.IpreferhimtoDaniel,thecolleaguewhoworksalongsidehim. Danielisaforce,andsostrictandfirmwhenitcomestohisposition.Hetakeseverythingsoseriously.
“Hey,youhaveavisitor,”hegreets Ilookup,takenabackatseeingZachstandingbehindhim.Nociviliansareallowedinsideatthemoment.“Thankyou, George”
Henods,steppingasidetoletZachthrough.Neitherofusacknowledgetheother,whichIthinkiswhatmakesGeorge hesitatetoleave “Hey,myshiftendssoon Didyouwantmetowaithereandwe’llwalkouttogether?Wecantalkaboutour nextcharacterchallenge.”
He’stalkingaboutanewishvirtualrealitygamethatwentviralshortlyafterrelease.Whenwegottalkingduringourtime togetherinthewaitingroom,itgotbroughtup Weexchangedusertagsandhavebeenplayingtogethereversince Butwe’ve alreadytalkedaboutournextconquest,whichmeanshe’ssecretlyaskingmeifI’mokaytobealone.Whichisn’tsurprising sincethetensionintheroomissuffocating “No,yougoonahead.Iwon’tbelong.”
Whenthedoorclicksclosed,IglanceatZach “Youaren’tsupposedtobehere Thecompanydoesn’twantoutsiderson themainfloorduetodataprotection.”
Heholdshishandsup.“I’mnotheretofightwithyou,”heexplains,takingaseat.“IthoughtI’dcomeandseeifIcantake yououtfordinner Youwalkedoutonthelastoneandruinedit,soIthoughtI’dgiveusanotherchance”
“Zach,we’reover,andIthinkforthetimebeing,weshouldkeepourdistancefromeachother.”
“We’vebeenfriendsforyears,Imogen Youcan’treallymeanthat Couplesfight It’swhatwedo UnlessIwasrightand thereissomeoneelse.”
“Youknowthat’snotthereason,”Itellhim,shakingmyhead.“Ithinkwearetwoverydifferentpeople.Andwhilstit mightworkforsome,itdoesn’tforus.You’vechangedalotsincewegottogether.Ihadneverknownyoutobeso judgemental.More,Ihatethewayyoutrytokeepmefrommyfamily.IbrusheditoffbecauseIneverlistenedorfellforit,but youcontinuedtotry”
“Isthisreallyaboutouranniversary?”
“No,itisn’taboutmybirthday It’saboutthetimeIwouldn’tgoonholidaywithyou YouknewIwentyearlywithmy familyandagainwithmycousins.Andagain,whenIwouldn’tgotoyoursforChristmas.Myfamilyinvitedyou,butitwas onlymechidedforsayingno.Didyousee me notspeakto you forhours?No.BecauseI’mnottwelve.AndIdon’tevenwant togetintoNewYearsEveormymum’sbirthday.”Whichhappenedtofallonhisbirthdaytoo.Iofferedtocompromise.I’d spendthemorningwithMum,thedaywithhim,andhavedinnerwiththefamily.Butno.Hecouldn’tgetoverthefactIwould choosethemoverhim
Heslapshishanddownonmydesk.“Forfuck’ssake,Imogen.Allthatispettyshit.Canyoublamemeforwantingto spendtimewiththewomanIlove?”
“Youdon’tloveme.Ifyoudid,youwouldn’thavegivenmeultimatumseverytimesomethingdidn’tgoyourway.”
“Ijustcan’tbelieveyouwantedthisoutoftheblue.”
“Listentome,Zach,”Iharshlyremark “Thiswasn’toutoftheblue Notforme” “There’ssomeoneelse.Therehastobe.”
“Zach,pleasedon’truinourfriendshipwithaccusationsthataren’ttrue Ithoughtyouknewmebetterthanthat Iwould neverdothattosomeoneandyouknowit.”
Herelaxesbackintohisseat “No,you’reright Thishasjustbeenalottoprocess Idon’tknowhowtobewithoutyou We’vebeentogetherforsolong.”
Hisclaimaboutthelengthofourrelationshipsoundssogenuine,likehetrulybelievesitorseesitlikethat.Andmaybe that’swhatlovelooksandsoundslike Buteverytimehe’smentionedit,ashiverhasslivereddownmyspine,andIgetthis urgetoremovemyselffromthesituation.ItmakesmequestionifIreallyknowhim.
ButthenIlookintohiseyes,andIseemyfriend Myharmlessfriend
“I’msorrythat’showyoufeel.Idon’twanttohurtyou,andyouaren’tgoingtochangemymind.”
“IguessI’mnot,”hereplies,loweringhishead
Someoneknocksonthedoor,andmyeyeswiden.Whatifit’sLarry?IfheseesZach,myjobherewillbecutshort.“Come in!”
Thedoorispushedopen,revealingLaura,carryingabasketfullofgoodies SheisthewomanwhoisinchargeofPR, conferences,andotherstuff.CastleandGamesgotluckybecausesheisthemostsoughtafterliaisoninherfield.Herfaceislit upwithabeautifulsmile,enhancingherhighcheekbones ShejerkstoastopwhensheseesZachsittingonthechairinfrontof mydesk.
“Sorrytobotheryou,butLarrywantedmetodropthisgiftbasketofftoyouforyourfriendwhowashurt.”
Istand,helpingherwiththebasketsinceitlooksheavy.“Thankyou,Laura.Hedidn’tneedtodothatbutit’sappreciated.” SheglancesatZachoncemore,conflicted.“Idon’twanttotalkoutofturn,butifMrCarpenterseeshiminhere,youwill
beintrouble.WithSanctuaryreleasinginafewmonths,theentirebuildingisonlockdown.”
“We’reactuallyjustleaving,”Iassureher,grabbingmythings.
“Yes I’msorrytohavebotheredheratwork,butitwasimportant,”Zachresponds “Okay,well,MrCarpenterwillbeleavingshortlysoI’llgoanddistracthimsoyoucanleave,”shetellsme.“I’llseeyou tomorrow”
“Thankyou,Laura,”Ireply,addingthegameLarrygavemeearlierintothebasket.
“Sorry,”Zachdeclaresassheleaves,leavingthedoorwideopen “Ididn’tmeantogetyouintotrouble” “It’sdonenow.Let’sgobeforeheseesyou.”
IstepoutoftheofficeasZachhisses.“Shit,Ileftmyphoneonyourdesk.”
Itapmyfootrestlessly,mygazefocusingonLarry’sofficedoor Ilovethisjob ItmightnothavebeenwhatIwas originallylookingfor,butIloveit.I’mgoodatit.
Afewsecondslater,hestepsout,holdinghisphoneup “Gotit”
“Closethedoor,please,”Ireply,andonceit’sdone,Iscanmycardoverthefob,lockingit.Ikeepitunlockedthroughout thedaybecauseofhowmanypeoplecomeandgofrommyoffice
Aswereachtheelevatorsontheothersideofthefloor,IprayZachdoesn’ttrytoinvitemetodinneragain.Whatwehad isover,andheneedstogetusedtothat.
Carinadropsaplateonmylap,andIhissoutabreathwhenitcatchesmystitches.
“Jesus,Carina I’mrecuperating,youknow”
“Oh,Iknow,”shesassesback,wavingawoodenspoonintheair.“Idon’tneedremindingofthat.”
Ifthefooddidn’tsmellsogood,Iwouldrefusetoeatit Butspaghettiputtanescaismyfavourite,andonlyCarinacan cooklikeMumcan.
Ishovelaforkfulintomymouthandletoutamoan I’veonlybeenallowedsoftfoodssinceIwokeupaftersurgery,and althoughMumhasbeencookingsouptomakeupfortheawfulhospitalfood,itfeelsgoodtofinallybebackeatingsomething withtexture.
WhenCarinabeginstobangaroundinthekitchen,puttingstuffinthewasher,Ifinallygivein She’sbeenactinglikethis sincetheveryfirstmomentshesawmeinhospital.Ifthiswasmymum,whoisfullItalian,therewouldbenotip-toeingaround it Mumwouldhavealreadygivenmeanhour-longlecture WhichIknowforafactbecauseit’sexactlywhatshedid
“Carina,justspititoutbeforeyougiveyourselfanulcer.Orgivemeone.”
IhearthewashertraygetpushedinsecondsbeforeIhearitclose Ikeepeating,waitingforhertojoinme Whenshe does,herexpressionisthunderous,hersoft,tanskinbrighteningatthecheeks.
“Youwanttoknowwhat’swrong?”
“Yes,”Ireply,scoopingmorefoodontomyfork Shit, this is good.
“I’lltellyouwhat’swrong Itoldyouworkingtherewasamistake Youdon’towehimanything,mostcertainlynotyour life.”
“IthoughtyoulikedEvan.”
“IloveEvanandhisfamily,”sherushesout,flickingherchestnut-colouredhairbehindherear.She’stheonlysibling, asidefromme,whodidn’tinheritourmum’sblackhair.Igotmydad’slight,sandyblondehair,andCarinaisinbetween.“But youstartedthereunderthebeliefthatyouhadto,Ben Andlookwhereit’sgotyou Iknowthisistheworstit’severbeenbut don’tthinkforasecondyouhidetheotherstuff.I’veseenthebruises,I’vereadabouttheclosecallsinthepapers,andIheard yournightmaresatthehospital Youneedtoquit”
Ifinishchewingmyfoodbeforeplacingtheplatetotheside,ontheportabletrayMumpurchasedforme.“Carina,you can’taskmetodothat.”
“Yes,Ican.I’myoursister,forGod’ssake.DoyouthinkitwasfungettingthatcallfromMumaboutyoubeinginhospital? BecauseIcantellyou,itbroughtmetomyknees,brother.Itwasn’tevenasurprisebecauseIlivewaitingforthatcall.Lucca issafenow Youdon’toweEvananything,andyouneverdid Anyoneinyoursituationwouldhavedonethesame”
“Hesavedmefromprison,”Itellher,watchinghereyeswiden.“MumandIdecidedtokeepitfromyou,butthat’swhat myfutureheld Thepolicesawmytattoos,theysawmewithMum,andlabelledmeathug Ididn’tseeawayoutandneither didmylawyer.IwasgoingtogotoprisonforgangrelatedcrimesandIwouldstillbethereifitwasn’tforEvan.Hebelieved me,andsawsomethingthosepolicemendidn’t.Hefoughtformyfreedomandwon.Soyes,Iowehim,butIdon’tworkthere becauseofthat HeshowedmethereisasafewaytogetjusticeandthatthereareloadsofpeopleouttherelikeLucca Like me.Theyneedhelp,Carina,andIprovidethat.”
Atearrollsdownhercheek
“Whenyouputitlikethat,howcanIargue?Whatyou’redoingisnoble,butatthesametime, stupid.Idon’twanttoloseyoulikewelostDad.Youmeantoomuchtous,andIdon’tthinkwe’llgetthroughthatgriefa secondtime Mumisthecentreofourworld,butyouarethegluethatkeepsustogether Thiswastoocloseacall,Ben Next time,youmightnotbesolucky.”
“Iwon’tsithereandpromiseyouanythingbecauseitwouldbealie.Idon’tknowwhatthefutureholds.ButIcanpromise youIwon’tbetakingonanymoreserialkillercases”
“Justplease…ifitgetstoomuch,oryouthinkthesituationisbecomingdangerous,askforhelp.Idon’twanttovisityou inthehospitalagain”
“Aww,youdocare,”Itease.
Sherollshereyes “No,theparkingiswaytooexpensive,dickhead Youowemeseventypounds”
“ThinkofitaspartiallypayingmebackthethreehundredIloanedyouforuniversity.”Itwasn’treallyforuniversityand webothknowit.She’lljustneveradmitit.
Shetiltsherheadtotheside,herforeheadcreasing “Ben,”shewhines Iholdupthreefingers.“Threeyearsago.”
“Arsehole”
Ichuckle,forgettingmystitchesforaminute.“Isthatwhyyou’vebeeninsuchafoulmood?”
“Yes.I’mmadatyouforgettinghurt.Youtoldmeitwasn’tdangerous.”
“BecauseIdidn’twantyoutoworryaboutme.”
“Weallworryaboutyou Mumworriesyoudon’teatenough,Stefaniaworriesaboutyoubeingalone,Iworryaboutyou gettingkilled,andIthinkLuccaworrieshe’llletyoudown.”
“Forstarters,Mumworriesabouteveryonenoteatingenough Stefaniajustwantstobeanauntbeforeshebecomesamum Yoursisvalidbutisnevergoingtohappen.AndLuccahasneverletmedown,”Iargue.“AndyoumissedBella.”
“Isabellamighthaveeveryonefooledwiththatphoneofhers,butIseeher Shepaysmoreattentionthanpeoplethink She doesn’tparticularlyworryaboutstuffbecauseshe’dratherfixorapproachaproblemthanstressoverit.”
“She’ssneakier.”
“Don’tIknowit,”Carinaretorts “Shesnuckoutthefirstnightyouwereinthehospital Iwentintoherroomtocheckon herandherbedwasempty.Idrovearoundforalittlebitwithnoluck,butasIgotbacktothehospitaltospeaktoMum,Isaw heroutsidewiththeboywholikesher”
“Youdidn’tdragherbackhome?”
“Nobecauseshewaswatchingoveryou HowcouldIreprimandherforthatwhenweallwantedtobetheretowatch overyou?”
“Iamsorryforputtingyouallthroughthis.”
Sheleansover,placingherhandovermine “Justpromiseme,ifyoueverneedtotalk,youwillcometooneofus,”she pleads,loweringhergaze.“Iheardyoucryingoutinyoursleep.”
“Iwill,”Ipromise,swallowingpastthelumpinmythroat Ididn’tknowIhadbeendoingthat,andI’membarrassedthat shewitnessedit.“WhatwasIcryingoutfor?”
“Itwasn’tawhat,”sheresponds.“Itwasawho.”
Iswallow,glancingaway.“Who?”
Ididn’twanttoadmittomyfears,evenifIwasunconscious.ThatnightwithCyrusplaysoverandoverinmyhead.I remembercallingoutforCole,andthenagainwhenEmilygotdraggedaway Ihadbeenimmobile,unabletodoanythingto helpthem.Ihadtolistentohercries,totheirgoodbye,powerlesstohelp.
Carinatakesmeoffguardwithherresponse “Immy,”sheanswers,justasthere’saknockonthedoor Sheglancesthat way,herbrowspinchingtogether.“I’llletwhoeverthatisin,andthenIneedtogo.Ihavetohelpwiththeeveningrush.”
“Thankyouforcomingandcookingmefood.”
Shegrabsherbagoffthearmchairasshegetstoherfeet.“Ileftsomeextrasonthesideforyou.Whenthey’vecooled,pop theminthefridge.Bellaiscomingtomorrow,andtrustme,youdon’twanttoeatwhatshecooksup.”
Ismileatthat “Gotit”
Sheleansdown,kissingmycheek.“Bewell.Andcallmeifyouneedanything.”
“Iwill Loveyou,sis”
“Loveyoutoo,yougoof.”
Shemakesherwaytothedoorassomeoneknocksagain.Shepicksupsomefallenmagazinesandplacesthemontheside tablenexttothedoor
Shepullsitopen,andfromwhereI’msittingonthesofa,Igettheperfectviewofthedoorway.Andwho’sstandinginit, fidgetingnervouslyonherfeet
“Imogen,”Carinagreetsandturnstome,raisinghereyebrowswithaknowingsmirkplasteredonherface.“Whata coincidence Imogenishere,Ben”
“Icansee,”Ireply,notatallamusedbyherattemptatbeingfunny.“Areyougoingtokeepblockingherentrance?” Carina,rememberinghermanners,stepsaside.“Sorry.”
“Coincidence?”
“Um,yeah.IwasjustsayingIfeltbadleavinghimalone.Youwouldn’tmindstayingwithhimforabit,wouldyou?” “Actually ”
“Perfect.There’ssomefoodonthecounterinthekitchen.Ifyouhurry,itwillstillbehot.”
“Um,okay,”Imogenresponds
“Catchupsoon,”Carinaorders,thenclosesthedoorbehindher,nearlyknockingthebasketfromImogen’shands.
Sheslowlymoveshergazefromthedoortome.“I’msorrytointrude.IwassupposedtogivethistoDadtogivetoyou, buthe’sawayforafewdayswithwork”
“Youaren’tintruding.Comeinandtakeaseat.”
“Howareyoufeeling?”sheasks,steppingintotheroom
“Beenbetter.Thetightnessaroundthestitchesstillneedsabitofgettingusedto,”Ianswer.“Howareyou?”
“I’mnottheonewhogotstabbed,”shejokes,takingaseat.“ButI’mgood.”
“Evanmentionedyouhadanewjob.Howisthatgoing?”
“It’sthereasonI’mhereactually,”shereplies,loweringthebasketontheseatbetweenus.
Myeyeswidenatthegamingproductsinthere.Thoseproductsmusthavecostafortune.There’saheadsetandtwo controllersthatIknowforafactarelimitededitionbecauseIcouldn’tgetonthelistforthepre-order.Ithadbeenlikethe malarkeyofgettingTaylorSwifttickets Theysellforsixtosevenhundredeach There’salsoalimited-editionminispeaker,a rollofLEDlights,andacoupleofgamesandaccessories.
“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tbuymeallofthat It’swaytoomuch”
“Actually,mybossgavethemtometogivetoyou.Andhekindlygavemethis,”shedeclares,pullingoutZombie Apocalypse:GroundZero
“Holyshit!Howdidyoumanagetogetthatthisearly?I’mstillwaitingformypurchasecode.”
Shesmiles,anditlightsupherentireface.“IwasexplainingtoLaura,acolleagueIworkwith,whyItookadayofflast week Idon’tevenrememberhowyourfavouritegamecameupbutitdid Thatsameday,mybosscameinwiththegame,andI guesswhenhefoundoutwhoyouwere,hewantedtodomore.Ireceivedthegiftbasketattheendoftheday.”
“Thankyou,butnooneneededtodothisforme”
“Iknow,butalotofpeoplearegratefulforwhatyoudid.Cyrusplannedtokillothersandtheyfoundpicturesonhisphone ofotherpeople DadsaidtheywerepeoplewhowerejustinthesamebuildingasCole Heevenhadpicturesofyou,whichis whenhespeduphistimeline.”
“IthinkitgotspeduptheminuteEmilyandherfriendswentlookingforGabby.Ithinkitknockedhimoffhispath.” “Maybe”
Inearlyleaveitthere,butsomethingcompelsmetobehonest,knowingshe’dneverjudgeme.“Everyonekeepspainting measahero,butIfeellikeafraud Ididnothing Iwasuselessoncethatknifegotpushedintome Ishouldhavesensedhim I shouldhaveknownsomethingwasoffwhenIdidn’tseetheredlightbelowthecamera.”
Sheshiftscloser.“Ben,youaren’tafraud.FromwhatColewastellingDadinthewaitingarea,hegothitfirst.”
“Hedid.BeforeIgotthechancetodoanything,hetookmeoffguardandclosedthedoorhardonmyface.Wefoughtfora minutebeforeIgothitagainandfellunconscious.”
“Youcouldn’thavebeendownforlongbecauseColesaidwhenhebecameconscious,Cyruswentforhimwithaknife andyoudoveintheway.IfhehadkilledCole,thenitwouldhavebeenover.Itmightnotfeelgreat,buttakingthatknifesaved allofyou”
Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.“Iguess.ButIstillfeellikeafraud.”
“HowaboutIputthisgameinandyoucanfeellikeazombiekillerinstead?”
Ilaughathoweasilyshemakesmefeelatease.Talkingaboutthatnightishard.Everyonehastheirownperceptionofthat night,whilstIhaveanother.It’sliketheletter‘m’writtenonapieceofpaper.Fourofyouwillseesomethingdifferent.One willseean‘m’,theothersan‘E’,a‘w’,anda‘3’ AndallIcanfocusonismyperceptionofthatnight Itfeelsgoodnottofeel pressuredintofeelingacertainway.“Onlyifyouplaywithme.”
Shecluckshertongue “Dude,ifyouwasn’tgoingtooffer,Iwastakingitwithme Youaren’ttheonlyonewaitingfora pre-ordercode.”
“Youdon’thaveanywhereelsetobe?”Iask,knowingherboyfriendisn’tparticularlyafanofmine.
Theguygivesoffacreepyvibe Heshowstheworldoneface,butI’veseenhimwithImogenwhenhedoesn’thavean audienceandit’slikehewantstocontrolher,notbeherpartner.
Shelowershergazeslightly “Nottonight ButIamgoingtotakeabowlofthatfoodbecauseitsmellsamazing Ifthat’s okay?”
“No,goahead Mysistermadeenoughfortenfamilies” “DoyouwantanythingwhilstI’mup?” “Abeer?”
Shearchesabrow “Nochance Iknowyou’restillonpainkillers” “Itwasworthashot,”Itease. “Howaboutawaterandanotherbowloffood?” Ileanback,grinning.“Soundsgood.”
“Doyouwantitheatingup?”
“Ifsheleftasaucepanclean,youcando.Ittastesbetterheateduponthestovethanitdoesinthemicrowave.ButI’mgood withitbeingwarm.”
“Gotcha Itwon’ttakemelongsodon’ttrygettinguptoputthegamein”
“Areyousurethiswasaspurofthemomentvisit?”BecauseIswearshe’sbeenspeakingtoMum.
“YourmumbroughtsomefoodaroundtoMumandDad’s WhenDadtoldherhewasplanningtocomeupandvisit,she gavehimalistofthingstolookoutfor.Idon’tthinkhewasgoingtokeepthebeerfromyou,butMumgavehimalookthat said,don’tyoudarebuyhimanywhilsthe’sgettingbetter.”
Ichuckle,whichpullsattheflesharoundmystitches.Iwince,placingmyhandovermysidewherethebandageliesunder myT-shirt.
Imogen’sfacefalls,hercheekspaling.“Wouldyoulikeanymedication?”shewhispers,paininhertone. Ishouldhavetakenthembynowbuttheysendmesleepy.SoIlie,notwantinghertoleave.“No.I’mnotdueanyyet.” “Alright,Iwon’tbelong,”sheoffers,pickingupmytray Iwatchherarseswingsidetosideasshemakesherwayintomykitchen. TherewasatimewhenIwouldn’tletmyselflookather Itwasbeforehereighteenthbirthday Althoughlegal,itstillfelt wrongtowanther.Ialwayslikedher,butnotinawaythatdeservedaprisonsentence.Shehadalwaysbeenmyboss’skid daughterandIneverlookedatherinthatway
Thensheturnedseventeenandshecaptivatedme.Ifoundwaystobearoundher,talktoher,andtouchher.Itwassmall things,andbythetimeIrealisedwhyIlikedbeingaround,herdadhadnoticed.Hewarnedmeshelikedmeandtonotfeedher crush Icouldtellhewasconcernedaboutit,whichheconfirmedwhenhetoldmeshewastooyoungforme Sheneeded someoneherownage,sohemademepromisetostayaway.SoIdid.IrespectedEvanandImogentoomuchtoargueaboutit. Andwhilstsheactedonherfeelings,Ididn’t BecauseIknewEvanwasright Shewasfartooyoungtoknowwhatshewanted backthen,andIdidn’twanttobeamanwhotookadvantage.
ApartofmealwayswonderedifEvanknewIlikedhertoobythatpoint,anditwasmeasapersonwhohedidn’twant forher.
Iowedhimtoomuchtobetrayhim. Yettherearetimeswhenit’sbeenhardnottobreakmypromise
Hunchedforwardonthesofawithmyanklescrossedandkneesdown,Isquintatthescreen.Myglassesareinthecar downstairs,butIcan’tpullmyselfawayfromthegame Ithoughtitwouldbeawkwardbetweenusbutit’snot Thisisthemost timewe’vespenttogetherinyears,anditfeelsgoodtolaughwithhimagain.Ineverthoughtwewouldgetbackhere.
Amanwithameltingfacecomesatmycharacteronthescreen,andIscreamatBen,“Toyourleft Toyourleft”
Heturnshischaracter,whoiswearingallleather,andswingstheaxetogetthedeadguycomingatmewithteethand claws
Iglancetotheside,readytohigh-fivehim,andcatchhimgrimacingonceagain.“Alright,enough,”Iorder,endingthe game.
“Hey,whatareyoudoing?”heasks
“That’sthetenthtimeI’veseenyouwince.You’reclearlyinpainandyoulooktired.”
“I’mfine,”hepromises,brushinghisfingersthroughhissandyblondehair Igulpatthemove,wonderingifhishairfeels assoftasitlooks.“Wecancleartheotherbuilding.”
“TheonlythingI’mcleaningisourbowls Youaretakingyourmeds Justtellmewheretheyare” Hesighs,relaxingbackonthesofa.“They’reinthekitchencupboard,nexttothefridge-freezer.”
Iplacethecontrollerontheseatbetweenusandgettomyfeet.Imakemywayintothekitchen,headingstraightforthe nearestcupboardtothefridge Seeingonlymugs,Imoveontothenextone,ontheotherside,hittingthejackpot Therearea fewwithnewdatesonsoIgrabtheboxesbeforemovingtogrababottleofwateroutofthefridge.
Iheadbackinsidethelivingroom,placingthemdownnexttohim “Ididn’tknowwhichonesyouwouldwant” Hepicksupthefirstpacket,takingtwo,andoneoutofanother.“Thankyou,”heresponds.
Ifiddlewiththehemofmyblouse.“Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouwereinpain?”
Whenhegazesatme,Ican’tdecidewhethertolookawayortoneverlookaway.Somuchishiddenbehindthoseintense eyes.SomuchIwanttoquestion,andforhimtoanswer.ButIdon’t.Instead,Iwaitforhimtorespond.
Hebreakseyecontactforasplitsecond,andmybodyjoltsslightly Myshoulderslosetheirstiffnesslikeheletmeoutof hisgrasp.
“BecauseIdidn’twantyoutoleave,”headmits,hisvoicehoarseashetakesanothertabletfromthethirdpacket Myeyebrowspinchtogetherathisanswer.“WhywouldIleave?”
“Theymakemetiredwithinthirtyminutesoftakingthem.”
Myeyeswidenafractionathisdeclaration.“YouneededthemwhenIfirstaskedearlier,didn’tyou?”
Herunsahandsoftlyacrossthebackofhisneck,andIlickmydrylipsatthesightofhisarmbulging.“Yes.”
“Ben,youcan’tdothattoyourself,”Ilightlyscold,butthenclearmythroat,notwantingtomakehimfeelworsethanhe alreadydoes.“Imean,ifyouwantedmycompanythatbadly,Iwouldhaveagreedtocomebackjusttoplaythegame.You didn’tneedtobeinpain”
Hechuckles.“I’llrememberthat.”
“Doyouneedmetotakeyoutobedoranything?”IclosemyeyesbrieflywhenIhearhowdirtythatsounded. Hegrins “Areyouofferingtotakeme?”
“Yes.No.Imean,ifyouneedhelp,I’mnotgoingtoletyoustruggle.”
Helaughsatmyunease “Immy,I’mgood Butthankyouforoffering”
“I’mgoingtoputtheseinthedishwasher,”Ioffer.
“No,you’vealreadyputtheothersaway Icandothat”
Iarchaneyebrow.“How?Youaren’tsupposedtoliftanythingforanotherweekyet.Itwillonlytakemeafewminutes. Andit’stheleastIcando,sinceyouletmeeattwobowls.”
Ipileitallontoonetrayandliftitup AsIhitthedoorway,Benresponds “Ilovehowunapologeticyouareaboutloving food.Somegirlswillbarelyeatoneplate,tooembarrassedtoeatinfrontofsomeone.”
HiswordscatchmeoffguardsinceZachonlyevermadenegativecommentsabouthowmuchfoodIconsume Ifheknew whattheotherfemalescouldeatinmyfamily,Idreadtothinkwhathewouldsay.Haydenistheskinniestbyfaryetcaneatany personunderthetable Exceptmaybeherdad Idon’teventhinkherdadhasastomach “DidIsaysomethingwrong?”
Iturntoaddresshim,clearingmythroat.“No.You’rejustoneoftheveryfewpeopleoutsideofmyfamilywhohasnever mademefeelawfulformyloveoffood”
Hisjawclenches.“Neverletanyonemakeyoufeelbadforit,”heordersinagentlertone.“Plus,Ithinkit’sthefirstthing mymumfellinlovewithaboutyou Itwouldbreakherheartifyoudidn’teatherfood” Ilaughathisaptdeclaration.Itisthefirstthinghismumlovedaboutme.Sheinvitedustoherrestaurant,andIgotso
overwhelmedbyallthearomas,Iwantedtotryeverything.Anytimesomethingnewwouldcomeout,Iwouldbounceinmy chair,softlydemandingtotrythatonetoo.Shelovedit.
“Iwouldneverwanttodisappointyourmum,”Iadmitwithasmile Steppingintothekitchen,Iplacethetraydownonthecounter,onlyhittingtheedge.Beforethebowlsandcutlerycanfall tothefloor,Iblockthemwithmybody,causingthesaucetospillontomywhiteblouse “Shit!”
“Everythingokay?”
“Um,yeah,justaminute,”Icallback.Iquicklyloadthedishwasher,puttingonacyclebeforeleavingthekitchen. Ben’seyeswiden.“Shit,that’sgoingtostainifyoudon’tquicklywetit.”
Ipullthewetmaterialawayfrommybody “It’sfine”
“It’snot.GograbaT-shirtfrommywardrobe.Mumleftsomestainremoverinthecupboardabovethewashingmachine. Ifyourubsomeofthatonitandsoakitwhenyougethome,itshouldbeokay” “Areyousure?”
“Yes”
“Thankyou.”
Imakemywaydownthehall,noticingthepersonaltouchessomeonehasmade.Onthewallrunningalongtheshort hallwayarepictures Somearegroupphotoswithhisfamily,andsomearefromtheoffice Allarememoriesofmilestonesor events,andIcan’thelpbutstopattheoneofmewiththemenwhoworkformydad.I’mtheonlyfemaleinitandI’mknelt downwithtwoRottweilersoneithersideofme Theyweremydad’sbestfriend’sdogs Harris
ThebathroomisattheendofthehallandthedoortoBen’sbedroomistotherightofit.Istepinside,mesmerisedbythe décor.Totherightisacornerwardrobeanddrawers.Theentirewallbehindthemhasmouldings,givingthedarkcharcoal greywallscharacter.Hisupholsteredbedframeisinalightershadeofgrey.Hehasadarkbedsheeton,butthethrowatthe bottomiswhite,crossingoverthecornerofthebed.
Hehasadeskinthefar-leftcornerthatrunsalongthewallbeforestoppingatthewindow Everythingissimpleandtidy yetlookselegantandbeautiful.
Notwantingtocomeacrossascreepy,Iquicklymovetothewardrobe,pullingopenthedoor Iunbuttonmyblousebefore slidingitoff.Notwantingtoriskgettingthesauceonanythingelse,Ifolditupsoit’scoveredandplaceitonhisdrawers.I reachforoneofhisblackT-shirts,tuggingitovermyhead.I’mimmediatelysurroundedbyhisscent,whichisamixofspice andearthywoods.There’salsoahintoflavendersoftener.
Igrabmyblouseoffthedrawersandmakemywaybacktothelivingroom.Benisnowheretobeseen,soIheadintothe kitchen,panickingalittle Heshouldn’tbeonhisfeet
“Whatareyoudoingup?”
Heholdsupatubeandatub “Grabbingthese”
“Ben,Icouldhavedonethat.Youshouldn’tbeonyourfeet.”
“Ineededtogetupanyway.Ididn’trealisehowlateithadgottensoI’mgoingtohitthesack.”
“Areyousure?”Iask,searchingforanycluethatheislyingtomakemefeelbetter “Positive,”heassuresme,takingmyblousefromme.“Youhavetoleavethistosoakfortwentyminutesbeforeyouputit intothewash Asasonwhogrewupbeingfeddisheswithsauces,it’salifesaver YouhavenoideahowmanyshirtsIwent throughwhenImovedoutbeforemymumfinallysharedherwisdom.”
IwatchhimscrubthegelontotheshirtasIreply “Shedidn’tgiveittoyouinpreparation?”
Helaughsashesprinklessomepowderontopofthestain.“No.Shedideverythinginherpowertogetmetomoveback home.I’llneveradmitittoher,butInearlybrokeaftermyfavouriteTeegotruined.”
IlaughbecausethatdescribesMariaperfectly She’sacunningwomanwholovesherchildren “Whendidshebreak?”
“IinvitedhertodinnerandIwasdoingitallwrong.TheminuteIsplashedsauceonmyshirtandwenttothrowitinthe bin,shegotup,yellingatmeinItalian Bytheendofthenight,Ihadalistofhomelifehacks,recipes,andshehadpurchased everycleaningproductIwouldeverneed.”
“Waitasecond doesthatmeanyoudidn’tcookattheofficeChristmasparty?”
“Ohno,Idid.Mumjustneededtoseethatsheneededtoletgo.AndIneededtolearnyouwillalwaysneedyourmother.” Hehandsmemyshirt.“Thankyou,”Ireply.“IwishIcametothatrevelationwhenImovedout.Ionlymovednextdoor butImissedmyparentsterribly Mumhadtogetmetoadjusttothenewlivingarrangementsbynotvisitingmeathome I couldn’tevenvisitherattheirhome.Wehadtomeetupinanewsetting.SoIguessitwasreversedforme.Iwastheonewho neededtoletgo”
“Whatdidyourmumneedtolearn?”
IlaughbecauseIknowit’sgoingtosoundridiculous.“Thatshecouldn’tcallmeupforavoteanymore.Itwasnolonger twoagainsttwo.Itwastwoagainstone,sinceIdidn’tlivethereanymore.Luckily,wheneverthere’ssomethingmydadand brotherdon’twanttowatch,meandMumwillarrangetowatchittogether.Iguesswe’rebothluckytohaveparentswholove
us.”
Hisgazesoftens,andIswearhiseyesdriftdowntomylips.“Yeah.”
Iclearmythroat “Well,um,I’dbettergo IhavesomeworkIneedtodobeforetomorrow” Iwalkbacktothelivingroom,collectingmybagfromthesofa.“WillyoutellyourbossIsaidthankyouforthegifts?” “Iwill”
Aswereachthedoor,hepullsitopen.“Youshouldtrytotalkhimintogivingyouacopyofthegamesowecanpairup.”
“Ha!Idon’tthinkthatwillhappen,butifit’struethatwegetearlyaccess,Iwillforsurebepickingthatoneout” Helaughs.“Thankyouforcoming.”
Istepintothehallway.“You’rewelcome.I’mgladtoseeyouaredoingbetter.”
WesayourgoodbyesbeforeIheadovertothelift Therearetwoflatsoneithersideofthehall Thestairsaretotheback ofthebuildingandtheliftisatthefront.Notwantingtowalkdownadozensetofstairs,Ioptforthelift.
Asthedoorsclose,Igivehimonefinalwave,consciousthathe’sstillwatchingme It’snotuntilthedoorsclosethatItake abreath.
Ineverexpectedtobeherethislong BeingaroundhimforthatlonghasstirredupfeelingsIthoughtIhadburntyearsago Ithasneverbeeneasytobearoundhim,buttonightremindedmeofwhyIlikedhimsomuchtobeginwith.He’sinteresting, funny,andwe’reintosimilarthings.He’scomforting,likeababy’sblanketyoucarryaroundlongafteryoushouldhave stopped
Thedoorsopen,anditdoesn’ttakemelongtoletmyselfoutside.Iheadovertowheremycarisparked,butstopshort whenIseethelastpersonIexpectedtosee
“Zach,whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Iknewyouwerefuckinglyingtome.”
Mybrowspinchtogether.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Itwashim,wasn’tit?He’sthereasonyoubrokeupwithme.”
Myeyeswidenattheaccusation IthoughtIhadsettherecordstraightwhereBenisconcerned “Zach,youwereatmy office.Yousawthegiftbaskettheygavemetogivetohim.That’swhyI’mhere.”
“Forfivehours?Yeahright You’reevenwearinghisshirt” “Zach,youaremisreadingthesituation.Itisn’twhatyouthink.”
“LikeIbelieveyou.IthoughtImeantmoretoyouthanthis.Iwouldneverhavecheatedonyou,muchlesslookedat anotherwoman.Howcouldyou?Haveyouforgottenwhathedidtoyou?DidyouforgetwhatIdidtohelpyouthroughit?This isalowblow,Imogen,evenforyou.”
Hiseyesswarmwithtears,breakingmyheart “Zach,itreallyisn’twhatyouthinkitis Ipromise”
“You’llregretthis,Imogen.Youreallywill.IneverbelievedyourbullshitexcuseandnowIhavemyanswers.”
Heturnstoleave “Zach,wait!Let’stalkaboutthis” Hepullsopenhiscardoor.“No.I’vebeenwantingtotalktoyoufordaysandyou’veignoredme.Stayawayfromme,you lying,cheatingwhore.”
“Zach,Ihaven’tcheated,”Iyell
“Youknowwhatreallyhurts?Istillloveyou.Iwouldtakeyoubacktomorrow.That’showmuchofaholdyouhaveover me Butthis thisiscruel Youcouldhaveatleastwaiteduntilthebedsheetswerecold”
Ijerkathiswordsashecloseshisdoor.Ihavenevercheatedonanyone,muchlessZach.EvenduringthetimesIknewit hadtoendbetweenus,Ineverwantedtohurthim Wehadbeenfriendsfirst,andthatmeantmoretomethananything He broughtmeoutofadarkplace,somethingnotevenmyfamilycouldhavedone.Hemademefeelworthyoflove,andtreated melikeawoman.
Whereitwentwrong,Idon’tknow
ButtheZachI’veencounteredthepastfewweeks… He’sastrangertome
Imogen
Georgedramaticallyclosesthedoortomyofficewithhisfoot.Inonehandisabagfilledwithfood,andtheotherholds twodrinkssecuredinacupholder Thesmellcomingoutofthebagistodiefor Larryisalegendforhiringrealcooksforthe cafeteriainsteadofacafeteriaassistantwherethefoodismicrowavedandtasteslikecardboard.
HereatCastleandGames,wehaveavarietyofthebestfoods Anythingthat’sleftoverattheendofthedayistakendown toourlocalhomelesscharity.Theyservethefoodonthenighttothosesleepingonthestreets.Howwehavesomanyhomeless isbeyondmeandnotsomethingIliketogetinto Igetsomadanddon’tknowwhentostop
“Ifweeverhadazombieapocalypse,Danielwouldbethefirsttogo,”Georgegrowls,placingthefooddownonmydesk. Ibarelymovemypapersintime.
“Yeah,Icantotallyseehimtryingtoyellthezombiesawayandgettingbitten”
“No,I’dkillhimandsaymyfingerslippedbecauseIthoughthewasazombie,”heamends.
IsplutteroutalaughasIreachintothebag “Whathashedonenow?”
“Hehasthismaddeningfilingsystem.It’schaoticallyorganised,whenitcouldbemadesomucheasierandsimplerfor people Hewouldn’thavesuchastickuphisarseifhechangeditbecausethenotherswouldn’tconstantlybegoingtohimto getthefilestheyneed.”
“IheardLaurasaytheytriedonceandheblewagasket.”
“Don’tgetmewrong,he’sgoodathisjob,buthemakesitsodamndifficultforotherstodotheirs I’velostcountofhow manytimeshe’syelledatmetoday.”
IsmileasIpullaplasticknifeandforkoutofthebag “Youshouldgetayelljar”
Hearchesabrowatme.“Hewouldprobablyburymybodyinthestacks.Noonewouldeverlookformethere.They’dbe tooscaredtogetonhiswrongside.”
“I’dlovetoknowwhyheturneddownmyposition.It’samazing.Iwouldhavethoughtbeinganassistanttothemanwhois tothankforthiscompanywouldberightuphisalley.”
“Youmeanyoudon’talreadyknow?”
Ieyethetallmanwhohaswormedhiswayintomyheart.He’slikeanotherbrotherandbestfriendrolledintoone. “There’sanactualstorybehindthedecision?”
Heshrugs.“Notreallyastory.”
Ileanforward,forgettingmymeatballsforamoment.“Tellme.”
“Well,Iheardoneofthewomenbitchinginthestaffroomaboutit.Apparently,Larryhasbeentryingtowinhimoverto hissideforyears.”
“Woah,that’sacompliment Larryiskindofpicky”
Georgeshrugs.“Well,Danielisknowntohavesaid,‘whywouldIrunoneofficewhenIcanrunthemall’,”heannounces, usinghisbestimpersonationofDaniel which,Ihavetosay,isprettygood “Thatsoundslikehim,”Ideclare,shovellingaforkfuloffoodintomymouth.
“So,whowasthehottiewhocametovisityou?Igotsomeseriouslyweirdvibesfromthebothofyou.”
ImovethefoodaroundinthecontaineratthementionofZach I’vefailedtogethimtotalktome Idon’tknowwhyit bothersmesomuchthathewon’t.Iwantedtoseparate.ButlivingwithhimthinkingIcheatedunsettlesme.Imayhavedone someshittythingsbynottellinghimhowItrulyfelt,butIdidn’tdoittohurthim Sometimesthetruthcanhurtsomeonemore AndIguessapartofmewasscaredhewouldtryhardertowinmyaffection,whenallIcaneverfeelforhimisloveasa friend
“He’smyex,”Ianswer,notexpanding.
IshouldhaveknownGeorgewouldn’tstopthere.
“Itakeityoubrokeupwithhim,”heguesses “Ordidhecheatandthat’swhyIwaspickingupthehostileatmosphere?” “Noonecheated,buthethinksIhave.”
“Don’tleavemeatthat Wehaveanhour Tellmeeverything Iwon’tleaveuntilyoudo,whichmeansDanielwillbein herescoldingyouformonopolisingmytime.”
Isnortbecauseheisn’twrong “It’samess Justbeforemyeighteenthbirthday,IwasletdownbyaguyIwasheadover heelsinlovewith.Hedidn’tfeelthesame.Zachwasmyfriendatthetime,”Ibegin,thengointodetailabouthowwefirstkind ofgottogether.
“Sohekindofaskedyououtatavulnerabletime?”
“Sortof.Butafterafewmonths,whentheembarrassmentdiedoff,IrealisedIwasbeingfoolishinthinkingwecould actuallybetogether”
“Sowhatchanged?”
