Every Little Thing BayviewRomances Book 3
LilySeabrooke
For those who stay through it all and those of you waiting for the person who stays for you
Copyright
TitlePage
Dedication
Chapter1
Chapter15 Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Epilogue
ThankYou
AboutTheAuthor
BooksByThisAuthor
SpringinBayviewwasbeautiful.IwasgoingtomissitonceIleftthistown.
Iwasabaker.Iwasprobablysupposedtolovewinter stayinginsideandbakingChristmascakesandValentine’streats andallthesweetstogeteveryonethroughthecoldermonths.Butfrankly,Ihatedit.ThemomentIsawthosefirstsnowflakes,it wasmeagainsttheworld,anditstayedthatwayuntil Marchrolledaroundandthebloomspokedup,thetreesstartedtoget somecoloragain.
And todaywas myfavorite dayof the year the first dayabove fiftydegrees I had the bakerydoors propped open, openedallthewindows,andIletthesweetscentofspringtimemixwiththericharomaofbutteredpastryandbreadthatfilled thebakeryasIslottedFrenchbreadsintotheirplacebythedoor,fillingupthebasketasAnderscameintothebuilding.
“Oh almostjustwalkedrightintoyou,”helaughed.“Goodmorning,Harper.”
“Hey,Anders.Howareyouandthewife?”
Hesmiledwider “Well,youknowhowitis Weather’swarmingup,soI’mtryingtoconvincehershe’stoooldtobeout plantinghollyhocks,andI’llletyouguessjusthowmuchluckI’vehadconvincingher.”
“She’satalentedgardener Can’treallykeepheraway”
“She’sasillylittleducklingandthemoststubbornpersonI’veevermet,that’swhatsheis,”hechuckled.“Well,Ican’t complain.I’djustbeentalkingaboutittoEmberlynnyesterday,andshevolunteeredtohelpNancytendtothegardenwhenshe neededit.Saidshe’dgetAriatohelpandeverything.”
Isoftenedintoasmile.“Emberlynn’sabigsoftie.”
“Sosheis Hergirlfriend,too,justlesslikelytoadmitit Iwonderwhenthey’regoingtogetmarried,thosetwo” Ilaughed,turningbacktofinishslottingthebreadsintothebasketthere.“They’vealwaysbeencomfytakingtheirtime.I feellikethey’rethetypetodateforeight,nineyearsbeforetheygetmarried IbetGwenandKayareprobablytheonesgetting marriedfirst,evenifWill’sgoingtobejealous.Outofcarrotforrightnow,butthere’schocolate.Alwayschocolate.”
“Spring’sintheair.Nancy’snottheonlyonewhowantscarrotcakenow.”HewalkedalongsidemeasIheadedbackin thedirectionoftheregister,himheadingforthedisplayofmini-cupcakes,hisusual oneforhiswifeeveryday
Talkaboutsickeninglysweet.ThatwasprobablysomethingEmberlynnandAriawoulddo.ProbablysomethingIcould seePriscilladoingforAnnabelsixtyyearsdowntheline
AnderssaidtheexactthingIneededhimtonotfollowupwith.“Everyone’sbeencouplingupsofastthispastyear,you know You’llhavetofindsomeonetoobeforelong”
“Ugh.Idon’tneedthat.I’mkeepingbusyrunningthisplace.Besides,I…”Ipursedmylips.Ididn’tneedtogetintothe detailswithAnders.Pooroldmanjustwantedtogethiswifeacupcake.“Relationshipsareannoying.”
Hehummedlightlytohimself “IthinkEmberlynnusedtosaythingslikethat”
Ipartedways,headingaroundtotheothersideoftheregisterasKrystalcorralledherthreeadorablelittledaughtersup tocheckout,makingsmalltalkwithher theweather,thefestivalcomingupsoon asIbaggedupherthingsandswipedher card.Samcameupafterher,grinningatmeasheleanedoverthecounter.
“Heythere,”hesaid Iglanceddownathisemptyhands,andbackupathim
“I’mnotonthemenu,”Isaid.Helaughed mostofwhatheeverdid.Hewasabigguy,muscularandalwaysgrinning andlaughingateverything,likeitwasimpossibletotakeanythingseriously.
“Nah Nothinglikethat Justwantedtoaskyousome insiderinfo”
“Howtitillating,”Ideadpanned. Hewhispered aSamwhisper,thekindthatwasloudenougheveryoneinthestorecouldstillhear “Whatkindofcake doesJennalike?”
Irelaxed.“Ohyeah…herbirthday’supsoon,isn’tit?Ishouldbringhersomething.Andnotoneofthosecreepyclown dollsshelikes.”
“Hey,don’tknocktheclowns.Theygrowonyou.”
“I’dratherdie Shelikesa7-Upcake” “Score!I’mbuyingherone.Doyousellthem?”
“You’reinluck Iwouldn’tbetryingtosellyouononeifIdidn’t Onthecakedisplayrackwithalltheothers”
Hegrinned,leaningincloserandwhispering stilljustasloud.“Youwanttoknowasecret?”
“DoIever,”Isaid,voiceflat.
“Iforgotitwasherbirthday Ijustwantedtogetheracake”
“Idon’tknowwhyIthoughtanythingdifferent.”
He left for the cakes just as Anders came backup to the counter, smilingafter Sam, holdingthe one mini-cupcake I alreadyhadhisorderrungup,andhealreadyhadthecashinhandforit.
“SamandJennaaretogether,now,too,right?”
“Um…opensecret,Ithinkisthecurrentstatus.”
“LikeIsaid,you’vegottofindyoursomeonetoo.I’msurethey’dbeluckytohaveyou.”
“Eh ”Iclosedthecashregisterdrawerandtossedhisreceiptinthetrash SomehowIfoundIcouldn’tmakeeyecontact withhim akindofguiltIdidn’twanttoacknowledgerightnow.“Peoplecouldlivewithoutme.Mybesttraitismycakes, andpeoplecanjustbuythose”
“Oh,nonsense.I’ll askNancy,I’msure she’ll be able tosetyouupwithsomeone.Youknow,she usedtobe quite the geniusmatchmakerbackinherday ”
“Spareme.”
“Youlikegirlsbest,right?Doyouhaveatype?”
HellifIknewtheanswertothatanyway TheonlypersonIreallyhadonmymindwastheabsoluteworstpersontodate anyway.“Stilltryingtofigureitout.Justpromiseyouwon’tactuallygetNancyonmatchmakingdutyfindingmeawife. Or a husband Oranythingelse”
“We’llhavetoseeaboutthat,”helaughed,takingthelittleboxI’dputhiscupcakein.“I’mjustsaying,nobetteruseof youththanbeingyoung.Havingfunandmakingmistakesispartoftheprocess.Springistheseasontofallinlove.”
“Springis the seasontomake cake.Justlike the other three.Have a greatday,Anders.Tell NancyIsaidhi.Ina very happily-singleway.”
Anders had onlyjust left before Samwas backat the register witha 7-Up cake, and he gave me a wrinkly, creased hundred-dollarbill,counterfeit-checkerpenmarksalreadyonit.
“Whointheworldboughtcoffeewithahundred?”Isaid,checkingitwiththecounterfeitpenbeforeIshoveditintothe drawer.
“Paisley.Dunnowhereshegotit.”
“Right.Frankly,whoknowswhyIasked.That’sallforyou,Sam?”
“Yesma’am.Hey youhaveanyoneyou’regoingtothefestivalwith?”
I’d had enoughofthis conversationalready Ihungmyhead “Me, myselfand I The bestcompany Are youofficially goingwithJenna?”
“Oh,no Nothinglikethat We’renotdating oranything,notstrictly Imean,justfriends Youknowhowitis” God,thisguysuckedatlying.Iwantedtowatchhimplaypoker.“Uh-huh.Well,Ihopeyoutwoenjoythecake.”
“Peaceout,man,”hesaidonhiswayoutthedoor,cakeinhand,andIsighed.
Everyoneinthistownwasbizarre IlikedtopretendthatwaswhyIwasleaving,butIwaskindofuselesslyinlovewith theweirdestpersonintheentiretown,so…maybeitwasmyweaknessanyway.
I got a lull between customers after Samleft, the early-morning crowds gone, and I was in the middle of restocking cinnamonbuns inthe gentle quiet music playingthroughthe speakers, chatter and laughter fromthe parknotfar downthe street, the wind murmuring in the trees along Amber Lane when the door chimed again, and I glanced back to where Emberlynnpushedthroughthedoor,ablissfullookonherfeatures,headingforthebreadracks.
Girlwaslate.Shewasusuallyinhereinthemornings.Unfortunately,Iknewalltoowellwhatitmeantwhenshecamein late inthe morningsmilingthat happysmile It had started whenshe’d gottentogether withAria, and that was reallyall I needed or wanted to know. Everyone inBayview wanted Aria, and Emberlynnwas prettytoo, a womanonthe shorter side withabobofblondehairandsoftfeaturesthathadagentlesortofbaby-facelookaboutthem,andalwaysdressednicelyto boot,but itdidn’tmatterhowattractivetheybothwere.Ididn’twanttothinktoomuchabouttheirsexlife.
“Sourdoughtoday?”Isaid,walkingupbehindherasshestartedfortheregister,andshejolted,givingmeawide-eyed look.
“Christ,you’regoingtogivemeaheartattack,”shesaid.“You’renotnormallylurkinginthecornerwaitingtojumpme.”
“I’mnormallyoutonthefloorrestockingatthistime Notmyfaultyou’reinlate” “Isleptinthismorning.”
Sure she did I’d learned from their next-door neighbor and Aria’s little sister Paisley, that they had a thing for morningsex.PoorPaisleylookedlikeshewantedtodieaboutthefactthatsheknew.Ofcourse,itwasreallyonherforstaying upsolateeverynightthatshehadtohearthemorningsexfromthenexthouseovertobeginwith.
Iwentaroundtotheother sideofthecounter,ringingupEmberlynn’s sourdoughloaf shecameinfor aloafofbread almost every day, always a different one, and she’d base what she’d have for dinner on what bread she got. “Just the
sourdough?”Isaid,baggingitupforher,andsheleanedback,lookingoutthewindow.
“Maybeacake?Icoulduseyouradvice.”
“I’drecommend ”
“Do not justrecommendthemostexpensiveone.”
Ifoughtbackasmile,leaningoverthecounter,foldingmyarmsonthewoodsurface “Allright,allright So what’sthe occasion?”
“Havingalittleget-togethertonightatthepark Kindofapicnicthingtocelebratespring” “Paisley’sidea?”
“It’slikeyouknowthewoman.”
“Alittletoowell”
She made a face. Ihadn’teven meant itlike that, but… well, maybe itjustslipped out. Ihad to assume she was just wrinklinghernoseattheideaofanybodyknowing Paisleythatway,andnotthatshehadanyideawhatkindof waysPaisley andIdidknoweachother.
“We’re havingsandwiches,” she said “Just, youknow, cold cuts, cheese, lettuce and tomato, thatkind ofthing Seitan onestooforPriscilla,sohergirlfrienddoesn’tmurderme.Whatdoyouthinkforadessert?”
“Cupcakes?Mightbenicetohavefingerfoodforapicnic.Ihavesomelemononeswithwhippedcreamandstrawberry fillingIthinkwillbeahit”
Shesettledintoasmile,buttherewassomethingstrainedaboutit.“You’reagenius.I’lltakethem.Andobviously,you’re invited I’dassumedPaisleyhadalreadypassedalongtheinvite”
“Ihaven’tactuallyseenhersinceyesterdaymorningwhenshewasarguingatHogshead.”
She rolled her eyes, a drysmile onher lips. “I’ll beta milliondollars she thinks she’s invited youand justforgotto actuallydo theinvitingpart.Probablywenttodoitandgotdistractedbycheese.Yeah,ifyou’refreetonight…”
“Yeah, I’m…” I chewed mylip, busyingmyself movingto the cake displaycase, trayingup the cupcakes inthe box. Emberlynnraisedhereyebrows
“It’snopressure,ifyou’rebusy.Justacasualthing.”
I reallywas supposed to tell her Tell somebody What was I goingto do, up and disappear one day, and everybody wouldbeleftscratchingtheir headswonderingwhereI’dgone?Emberlynnwouldbebangingatthedoor totheemptyplace lookingforherbread.AndAndersneededtofindanewplaceformini-cupcakes,orNancywouldbedevastated.
ButIcouldn’t.Hardlyasurprise.ForsomeonewithareputationforbeingbluntandsayingexactlywhatIwasthinking,I reallysuckedatsayingwhatIwasthinking.
“Nah,Iwasjustthinkingaboutmyschedule,”Isaid “Tonight’sallclear I’llbethere I’llbringsomeshandies”
“Ugh,I’llhavetotieupPaisleytokeepherfromshotgunningthemall.”
Isetdowntheboxofcupcakes,pausing,lookingattheexpressionshehad somethingtensethere,justunderthesurface Ibit.“What’sbuggingyou?”
Shehungherhead.“AmIthatobvious?”
“Nah Ijustknowpeople’stells It’showIfindtheirpainpointsandsellthemcakes So,spill”
Shechewedhercheek,castinghergazetothewindowasthin,streakycloudsdriftedoverhead.“It’skindof…” “Iwon’tjudge”
“Okay,butmaybeyoushould.IguessitboilsdowntothatI’mahugedumbass.”
Iputmyhandsup “I’mfriendswithPaisley I’musedtohugedumbasses”
Shelaughed,aglintinhereyes.“Okay,fairpoint.Um…it’saboutmymusic.YourememberthatlabelIwaswithbefore? Theonethatcutmeoffatthelastsecond?”
Inodded “Theyscrewedyouover,yeah Idon’tblameyoufortakingayearoffmusicproductionandnevergoingnear themagain.”
Shescratchedherarmabsently “So that’swherethedumbasspartcomesbackin Theyofferedmeanothergig AndI tookit.”
Iraisedmyeyebrows “Masochisticallofasudden?”
“I guess. Hell if I know. Just…” She looked down, fussing with her wallet as she got her card out. Eventually, she mumbledjustunderherbreath.“It’sstilla huge label.It’sthehighest-profilegigI’veeverbeenoffered.AndIjust…there’s tonsofotherproducerswhoworkwiththemallthetime Andmaybeonebadexperiencedoesn’tmeanthey’realwaysgoingto beawful,youknow?”
“Iguess,but ”Ipursedmylips “ShouldIhaveacakereadyandwaitingtocomfortyouiftheyfuckyouoveragain?”
“No.Idon’t…”Shedrewherselfuptaller,forcinginabreath,tomeetmyeyes.“Idon’tthinkit’sgoingtogolikethat.I feelconfident.It’sabigcompany.There’smorethanonepersonthere.ThisteamI’mwithiscompletelydifferentfromtheone before.Theguy Ichecked theguywhogavemethegigandthencutmeoffbefore,he’snotworkingatthelabel anymore altogether. And I know I regretted it and cursed the heavens and wished I’d never takenit, but… I want to give it another
chance.Givethecompanyanotherchance.Give…”
Ipaused.“Giveyourselfanotherchance,”Isaid,finally,andshenodded,hergazedroppingagain.
“Iguess yeah”
“You’restilldealingwithwhatitdidtoyourself-confidencelasttime.Andyouwanttoprovethatitwasafluke.”
Sheletoutaharshsigh “Iguess?Maybe That’sagenerouswayoflookingatit IthoughtmaybeitwasjustthatIwasa dumbasswhowaseasilytemptedbymoneyandrecognition.”
“Canbeboth”Itookhercard,swipeditthroughthemachine “Youknow,EM?Goforit Givethemhell Ithinkit’sa goodidea.Youknow thateveniftheyscrew youover,itwon’tblindsideyou,andthatyoucanrecover.Soifthis feels like somethingyouneedtodo,thendoit.”
Sherelaxedintothebiggest,mostrelievedsmile,takinghercardbackasIhandeditover “God,Ineededtohearthat I mean,Ariasaidso,too,but…she’dsupportmewithanything,nomatterhowharebrained.Thanks,Harps.Justplease…ifthis goesbadly,pleasewaitfor,like,atleast sixweeksbeforemakingfunofmeforit”
“Will do.” Ipulled offthe receipt, tossingitinto the trash. “I’ll signa contractand everything. ButIdon’tthinkwe’ll needit You’regoingtoaceit Iknowyou’llcomeupwithsomethinggood”
“Well,yeah.I’magenius.”
Ilaugheddrily.“Paisley’srubbingoffonyou.”
She puther hands onher hips “She’s mybestfriend, we’re goingto do that Justbecause she wronglythinks she’s a geniusdoesn’tmeanIcan’tknowI’magenius.”
“Yeah,yeah Icanseethesimilaritiesonrareoccasions”Ihandedoverherbreadandcupcakes,adrysmileonmylips “You’reallset,Emberlynn.I’llseeyouatthepicnic,then?”
“Yeah, I’ll textyouthe updates and stuff. Thanks again.” She tookthemwitha softsmile, takinga step backfromthe register.“Catchyouthere.”
Shewasagoodperson.Agoodproducer,too,nottomentionagoodfriend.Iprobablycouldhavejusttoldher.Ineeded togetitoffmychestto somebody, beforeittoremeapart
Butjust…nottoday.
Iwasgoingtomissthisplace ItwasniceseeingwhatkindofbreadEmberlynncameintobuyeachmorning
Chapter2
Paisley
Thebubbleteashopwassickeninglyadorable,justthewayitshouldhavebeen.Jamiewasinlineinfrontofme,andthat jerktookforevertoorderandIhadimportantthingstodohere,soIsenthimatexttellinghimtolookoutthefrontdoor,and whenhe checkedhis phone andturnedtothe frontdoor ofthe place,Icutinline infrontofhimjustas the personKaywas ringingupnowmovedonaheadandgaveanopeningforme Jamieshotmeabetrayedlook,buthe’dlive
“Hey,Paisley,”Kaysaid,beamingatme.“What’reyouhavingthistime?”
Iputmyhandsonmyhips “You”
Shefaltered.“Er…I’mtaken.That’sreallyflattering,though!”
Kaywasunbearablesometimes.Shewassosweetandsunshineyandpositive,andIstillcouldn’tgetmyheadaroundthe ideathatshe ofallpeopleinthisworldwasdatingGwen,thecrabbiestwomanIeveradored.
Still,shehadfitrightintoBayvieweversinceshemovedhereinDecember.Shewasthekindofbubbly,easypersonality everyoneintownliked,andattheratethingsweregoing,peopleweregoingtostartlikingher morethantheyliked me Which really,ithardlyseemedfair,didn’tit?
She fitthe aesthetic ofthe place like a horse fitthe water, or whatever the sayingwas withher brightblue hair and piercings,wearingthepink-and-blueuniformoftheplace,shelookedlikeasetpiecehere. Still,shewasn’tsupposedtobehere.
“Ha,ha,”Isaid.“Veryfunny,Kay.WhatI mean iswhatareyoudoinghere?Yourgirlfriendisgoingtospendthewhole picniccomplainingbitterlytoeveryoneinearshotifyou’renotthere.Doyoureallywantme me,PaisleyMacleod tohave tolistentothat?”
Kayscratchedherhead.“FarbeitfrommetodothattothevenerablePaisleyMacleod,but Ihaveashifthere.Trust me,Ireallywanttogo,but ”
“YoucanaskDani.She’llletyoutakeofffortheevent.”
Her expressionfaltered.“Iwouldn’twanttocauseanytroublefor her…she’s beensogoodtomeandeverything.It’s fine Icanstickitout”
Iputmyhandsup.“Meaningyoudidn’tevenask?Goodlord.IguessIhavetodoeverythingmyself.Also,justlike…a smallbubbleteaformeplease WhatevertheoneEmbygotlasttimewas,Iwantthat I’mgonnarubitinherface”
“Smallgreenteabobawith Paisley?”
Kaystopped halfwaythroughringingme up as Ipushed throughthe swingingdoor behind the counter, headingfor the back.
“Whatareyou ”
“Oh,justputitonmytab,”Icalled,pushingthroughtheswingdoorintothebackofhouse Tidyingupboxesonshelves wasDani,atallbrunettewithanathleticbuild,hairupinaponytail,andsheglancedsidelongatme.
“Paisley,”shesaid “Hownicetoseeyoubackhere”
“Kayneedstotakeofffortheparty,”Isaidcheerfully.Daniletoutanoncommittalnoise,turningbacktotheboxes.
“Ididn’trealizeyouwerethestaffingmanagerhere”
“You’renotgoingtokeepher,areyou?Gwen’sgoingtobeoutraged.AndifGwenisoutraged,thenshe’sgoingtoyellat Annabel.”
Score Dani’sexpressionfalteredjustalittle She’dhookedupwithAnnabelonceortwice,andmysourcestoldmeshe totally stillhadacrush.IputthepressureonwhileIhadtheadvantage.
“Halfthe regular crowd is goingto be there, so there’s no use runningup operatingcosts while nobody’s comingby, right?”
Danihungherhead.“Iguessifeveryone’sgoingtobeoverthere,Icouldclosesolo…doesKaywant totakeoff?”
“Uh, duh. It’s only the most amazing party ever. You should come by once you’re done closing, too. Maybe hit on Annabel.”
Sheturnedherbacktome,openingaboxandriflingthroughthecontents “Annabelhasagirlfriend,”shesaididly “Oh, amI the one who gets to break the news to you? Man, you’re behind on things. It’s an open relationship. And Annabelstilllikeshookups”
Shepaused.Iturnedbacktothedoor,abounceinmystep.
“I’lltellKayshecantakeoffonceyou’redonewiththecount?”
“S-sure”
AnotherwinforPaisley.Iwasgoingtohavetogetatrophywallsoontoholdthemall.
IstrodebackoutthroughthedoorjustasKaysetdownthecutegreenbubbleteadrinkthatEmberlynnhadbeenacruel monsteryesterdayandrefusedtoletmesteal,andIpickeditupandtookalongsip.
“Ohmygod,it’ssogoodI’mgonnacry,”Isaid “Also,Danisaysyoucantakeoffonceshe’sdonewiththecount” Kaystopped,eyeswide.“Shedid?Really?Er howdidyou ” “Paisleyhasherways.”
Shelaughed,eyessparkling “Paisleydoeshaveher ways Wow Idon’tknow how tothankyou IwassobummedI’d havetomissit.”
“Youcanthankmebynotchargingmeforthedrink?”
Kaylaughed.“Um…no.Andwedon’tdotabs.”
“Dammit It was worth a try” I went begrudgingly with her to the register, where I had to make the great personal sacrifice ofswipingmycard, and Jamie still gave me a disbelievinglookas he stepped up to the register nextto place his order.Istoodofftothecorner,underneaththeshelves ofcuteknickknacks,andItookapictureofmyselfwiththedrinkand textedittoEmberlynn,typingacaptionunderneath guess who’s the winner now????
Sherepliedrightaway I’m not jealous that you bought your own, if this was some weird ploy for that Irolledmyeyes. ugh!!!you’re boring. I’m showing off to Harper instead
Shestartedtyping,andthenshestopped,andthenaftertoolongforsuchashortmessage,shesent, Go for it
Iwrinkledmynose.I…probablyshouldn’thaveblabbedtoEmberlynnabouthavingfuckedHarperthatonetime.Ithad madethingsawkwardbetweenmeandEmbyeverytimeHarpscameup.Ithadbeenan accident. AndatleastIdidn’tmention thesecondtime
Itexted back, managed to free kay from the shackles of modern employment for the evening so she’s coming to the picnic!!!want anything from here?
hey, you finally have some good news. thanks, Pais. I’m all good tho, see you two soon Istuckoutmytongueatthescreen. I amgood news, em
Notcontentwithshowingofftojustmyloserbestfriend,IwenttotexttheselfietoHarpertoo,butIpausedlookingatit beforeIwentbackinandranitthroughafilter.Justclearingupmycomplexionalittle.ItwasfineifIlookedlikearaggedy messtoEmberlynn,but tootherpeopleIjustwantedtolookgood guess what I have that you dooooooooonnnn’’’’’’ttttttt
SherepliedevenfasterthanEmberlynnhad who the fuck stretches out an apostrophe like that Iscoffed. me!!!
Therewasnoreplyforawhile,andIglancedoverasDani cameoutfromtheback,pullingonanapronandtalkingto Kay in low voices The way Dani wouldn’t make eye contact with Kay, fussing with other things that whole openrelationship revelationhadreallydoneanumberonher.IcouldpracticallyhearherfantasizingabouthittingonAnnabelatthe party
AnotherexcellentjobdonebyPaisleyMacleod.
MyphonelitupwithatextfromHarper,aselfieofherwithamassivecake She’dusedafilter,too,soatleastIwasn’t theonlyone. guess what i have that you doooonnn’’’’ttttt Surreptitiously,IscannedbothwaysbeforeIsavedthepicture.Itwasn’taweirdthing Emberlynnwouldneverletme liveitdown butIjustlikedseeingpicturesofmyfriendshappy Itwasnicetohaveacollection trade? Irepliedquickly.
a hundred-fifty-dollar cake for a five-dollar drink you ’ ve probably mostly finished by now tempting somehow i will pass up on this.
boo you ’ re going to the picnic, right? you never replied to my invite invite?? you never sent me an invite Irolledmyeyes. oh my god woman pay attention!!!I sent you a letter and everything! a letter??? why a fucking letter?
Admittedly,Ihadn’treallythoughtaboutthat.I’djusthadpaperandapenandafancyenvelope cometothinkofit,I wasn’t sure where I’d gottenthe envelope so it felt like the obvious thingto do I’d spent, like, anhour stylingthe letter makingitpretty,too,andshewasjustgoingtoignoreit?
Honestly,Ididn’tknowwhyIbotheredwiththeeffort.Peopledidn’tdeserveallofme.
“Youdidn’tneedtowaitforme,”Kaysaid,steppingoverfrombehindthecountertowhereIwasstandinginthecorner. Iscowled.
“Andwalkovertherealone?Likealoser?Iwasjustshowingoffmydrinktomyfriendsanyway.”
Shelaughed,eyessparkling.OutofeveryoneinBayview,IthinkKayhadthemostgenuinelaugh,likeshe’dneverheard of anything other than just big smiles and genuine compliments and sunshine and rainbows “You’re a mystery as ever, Paisley.YoumindifIheadupstairsandjustgetchangedfirst?Iwanttolookcute.”
“OnlyontheconditionIgettoraidyourfridgeforcheese”
Shebeamed.“Goforit.Ihavegouda.”
Iscowled “Gouda? DoIlooklikeananimal?Ugh,I’llpass”
“Ididn’trealizeyouhadsuchstrongfeelings…”
Still,Ifollowedher upstairs,chatteringabouthow Oliver was goingtobe atthe partytooandhow thatwas probably enoughsaid aboutthat, the rumors abouthimand Connor and to keep aneye outto see iftheymade outatanypoint, and at somepointIrealizedwewereinhercutelittleapartmentabovethebubbleteaplaceandshe’dshutthebedroomdoorbetween usforhertogetchanged Ishruggedandhelpedmyselftoherfridge,checkingforcheese,butalas,shereallydidjusthavethe gouda.Thewomanwasuncultured.
“Readytogo?”Kaysaid,onceshe’dsteppedoutofthebedroom,dressedlikeaposteradvertwithaplaidpleatedskirt andfishnetsleggingsandsleeves,andIdidn’tevenknowthey made fishnetsleeves.She’dthrownonmoreaccessoriesthanI thinkIowned,total.
“Jeez,youdresslikeyougiveadamn,”Isaid “Ican’tfathomit Yeah,I’mready” “Youlookcutelikethat.It’sa…signaturestyle.”
Comingfromanybodyelse,thatwouldsoundlikeaveiledinsult Iwaswearinganoversizedsweaterandshorts,andmy hairlookedlikeithadjustgonethroughawindtunnel,Iknew.Kaydidn’tknowhowtoinsultpeople,though.
Iwasn’tgoingto pushthe topic either way.IfIprotestedtoo much, she’d startto getthe idea Iwas insecure, and that topicwouldspreadlikewildfire.Iwas supposedtobethequeenofgossip.Thegossipcouldn’tbeabout me. AndIguess I just…didn’twantcertainpeopleknowingcertainthingsabouthowIfeltaboutcertainthings.
“So,justtocheck,” Isaid,mostlyjusttochange thesubjectas we headeddownstairs andoutintothe briskspringair, “youmovedintoyourownplaceinsteadofmovinginwithGwenbecauseyou’dneverinyourlifeagreeondécor,right?”
Sheshrugged,lookinguptothesky,herhandsinherjacketpockets “Um Ithinkit’smorejustthatIneededthis”
“Ashortercommute?Wanttobeabletojustfalldownthestairsandendupatwork?”
“Nah.Just youknow,myownplace,myownthing.IloveGwentodeath,but…ugh,Ialwayswantedsobadlytohave somekindofself-determination.Livingwithmyparentswasjustawful,lookingbackonit.Ineedtohavesometimeofhaving aspacewhereImakemyowndecisions,Idowhatfeelsrighttome.”
Iclappedahandonherback,andshestumbled “Ugh,Isogetthat Gettingawayfrommyfamily,needingmyownspace, andthenjustgettingtobethelordofthatspace?Itrules.”
“Didn’tyouusethatspaceto,like breedlizards,orsomething?Maybeyoucan’tbetrustedwiththatresponsibility” “Hey leavetheUltimateLizardoutofthis.”
Shegrinnedatme.“Cutename.”
“Hewasn’tcute, hewaspowerfulandfearsomeand ” “And?”
Iputahandtomychest “Andwastoogreattobecontained” “Heranaway.”
“Well,yeah Imadesomemistakes”
Shelaughed,andwesettledintoasilencewalkingside-by-side,cuttingacrosstowninthedirectionofAmberLaneand theparkwhereEmberlynnwouldprobablyalreadybesetuptenminutesearly,untilIcouldn’tbearthesilenceanylonger.
“Butyouthinkyou’regoingtomoveinwithhereventually?”
“Mm.Probably.I’mjustgoingwithwherethewindleads.MostlyI’mjustfocusingondoingthebestIcan,beingthebest Ican ”
Ifrowned,ananxioussensationinmystomach.Ipusheditdown,lookingtheotherwayatabrickwallpaintedwithstreet art
“Ikindofadmireyou,honestly,”shesaid.“You’rejustsonaturallycool,unbothered…likeyou’renotcaughtupinthis racetobebetterallthetime.”
ThelessIthoughtaboutthis,thebetter Ibumpedupmyvoiceadecibel “That’sbecauseI’malreadythebest!There’sno beingbetterthanthis.”
Shestopped,givingmealook “Um sorry DidItouchonasorespot?” “Idon’thavesorespots.”
Shechewedhercheek.“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeanto.”
Islumped. “Ugh, that’s embarrassing. Ithought Icould lie mywayout. Forget Isaid anything. Idon’t do this kind of thing.”
Shesmiledsweetlyatme.“Youcantotallysharethingswithme,youknow.I’mnotjudgmental.”
“Noway.Nuh-uh.Nothappening.”
Sheelbowedmelightly “Tell”
“No!”
“Tell?”
“Ohmygod,yousoundlikeme.AmIthatinsufferable?”
Shebattedhereyelashesatme Iprobably was thatinsufferable Imadeamentalnotetochangeabsolutelynothingabout mybehavior,andIturnedbackahead,hunchingmyshoulders.
“SometimesIjustwonderwhatI’mdoingwithmylife,”Isaid.
“Mm”Sheturnedhergazeaheadwithme,walkingslowly “It’salifelongprocess,Ithink,figuringitout”
“Yeah,well…maybeIdon’twanttobother.Thatsoundslikealotofwork.”
“Idon’tthinkithastobe Whynotfindthethingsthatfeellikeplay?”
“Pfeh.” I kicked at the sidewalk. “I have it all already. I runa cute little bookstore, and the operatingcosts are low enoughandthemarginsarehighenoughthatIgetallthemoneyIneedwith,like,zeroeffort,butIdon’treallymakealotmore moneyifIputinmoreeffort,soit’sjustchill.IgointherewhenIwanttovibeandhangoutwithcoolbooks.Ieatcheeseall thetime,Ihaveabunchofcoolfriendswhohangoutwithme,andIgettokeepupwiththegossip.Ilovegossip.Ieatitup.”
“I’veheardthatonceortwiceaboutyou”
“IguessIjustdon’tgetthepoint.PaisleyisPaisley.I’mjustme.I’mgonnakeeponbeingme.So…goingwiththewindy leads”
“Idon’tthinkyougotthesayingquiteright.”
“Idid.”
She shrugged, looking up at where clouds streaked in thin white ribbons over the brilliant cerulean of the sky. “Springtimeistheseasonoflove,isn’tit?”
“Yup Theseasonformetolovemyself”
“Isthereareasonyoudon’tdate?”
Iscrunched up myface The factthatthe lastthingI’d had goingwas withHarper, and thatwas justtwo instances of accidentallyhavingsex…Ididn’twanttothinkaboutit.Luckily,Ispecializedinnotthinking.“Nobody’sgoodenoughforme.” She pouted, puttingher hands onher hips, turningto face me. “Youknow, I’mgoingto spill whatPriscilla said about you.”
Oh,god.Ididn’tneedthatinmylife.“AskingPriscillaaboutmeshouldbebanned.”
“Shesaidyouseemso scared”Shedroppedherarms,asoftsympathyonherfacethatIcouldn’tdealwithrightnow Orever,actually.“Likeyou’reworried you ’ re notgoodenoughforotherpeople.Liketheflippantattitudeis ” “Ugh,I’mgoingtoteachher a lesson” Ispunonmyheel “She’ll see!I’mgonna gotalkabouther girlfrienduntil she diesofembarrassment.Thatwillbemyrevenge.”
“Youknow,”shesaid,walkingquickertokeepupwithme,“it’sokaytohaveinsecuritiesandworries ”
“Justdon’t tell anyoneaboutthisconversation,”Isaid,wavingheroffasImarchedonahead “Ifthisgetsoutasgossip, I’mgonnaliterallykilleveryoneintheuniverse.”
“That’squiteacommitment ” “I’maverycommittedperson!”
Shelaughed “It’sapromise Underonecondition” Iwhirledonher,myjawdropping.“Ohmygod.You’reblackmailingme?WhenIlookthisgood?” “Yeah.”
“Dammit Well,Irespectthebrazenaudacity Fine,what’syourcondition?”
Shegrinned.“Talkmoreaboutit.I’llcomehangatyourplacetomorrow,andyoucanspillwhat’sonyourmind?” Iwrinkledmynose “Ew I’drathergetstabbedtodeathwitharustygardenrakeusedtotillmanureintodampsoilfilled withgrasshoppersonahotsummerday.”
“That’sconcerninglyspecific ” Kaywaswaytoomuchlikemeinalotofways,andunfortunately,Iprobablywasn’tshakingher.Woebeuponme.Ihung myhead.“Ugh,fine.Justbringbetterfoodthangouda.Anythingbutgouda.”
“Surething,”shelaughed,strollingonaheadagain,abigsmileonherface “I’lllookforwardtoit” Ihelpadamselindistressoutofashift,andthiswaswhatIgotinreturn?
Well,whatever Shewasbringingfood
Priscilla managed to tear her eyes off Annabel longenoughto nudge me inthe side witha knowingsmile, gesturing towards the park entrance, where Kay and Paisley walked in side-by-side. “There’s your girl,” she said, and I shot her a witheringlook.
“YoureallythinkI’mouttostealGwen’sgirlfriend?”
Priscillajustrolledhereyeswithatiredsmile,andIfelt likeIalwaysdidwhenitwasherinvolved likeshe’djust laidmebareandobviousforalltheworldtosee IhopedIwasn’tblushing ItwasabadhabitIhadwhenIgotcalledout
She was the youngest of our friend group, still in university, and she’d somehow maintained the freshman sense of dressingwell eveninto her upper years, wearinga white sundress witha sunhatand her ash-blonde hair pulled backinto a loose,effortlesslyclassyplait,agreenribbontiedintoit.Ineededtonothangoutwithher,Aria,andEmberlynninthesame space.Theygavemeinferioritycomplexes.Ijustworejeansandt-shirts.
Butmorethanthat,Priscillahadastrangetalentforknowingexactlywhatapersonwashidingbyjustlookingatthem, andshe’drenderedmecompletelyundonelastyear whenshewatchedmefumblethelittlestbittoomuchinfrontofPaisley andimmediatelypinpointedhowIfelt Andshedidn’trelentuntilI’dadmittedtoit
We’dmanagednottotalkaboutit PriscillahadspentthewintercuffingupsomuchwithAnnabel,eversincetheywent officialbackinDecember,thatthetopichaddriftedaway.ButmaybeitwasthatI’dbeenthinkingaboutitearliertoday,with Andersandallthetalkaboutfallinginlove,andjustthatPriscilla,asshealwaysdid,figuredmeoutinablink.
“Somehow,”Priscillasaid,finally,“Iwasn’tactuallyreferringtotheonewho’staken.”
Irolledmyeyes,shovingmyhandsinmypockets,andIfoundIcouldn’tlookdirectlyather “Paisley’sessentiallyalso taken.She’sinlovewithherself.”
“Youknow,Ithinkshelikesyou,too Youshouldgoforit”
Irubbedmyforehead.“It’scomplicated…andit’snotevenrelevant.”
“Becauseofthatthingyou’rehiding?”
Ishotherawild-eyedlook,myheartjumpingintomymouth,butIdidn’tgetachancetosayanythingbeforePaisleycame streakingthroughthe small crowd of people who had gathered around the picnic tables, made a beeline for me, and thenI sweartofuckinggodshesatdownonmylap, facing me Everymuscleinmybodystrainedtothebreakingpointallatonce, butshejustgavemehersignaturebigPaisleygrin.
“Yo,”shesaid
“Pais,whatthefuckareyoudoing?”ItriednottoregisterPriscillaraisinghereyebrowshighnexttome.Paisleygave meamischievousgrin.
“Closeyoureyes”
Ifshekissedmelikethis,I’dfuckingdie.OnlyafterIkilledher,though.Itriedtopretendmyheartwasn’tpounding.Pray togodPaisleywasn’tcloseenoughtotell “You’regoingtosnapmyneckifIdo” Shegrinnedwider.“Justdoit.”
I should have argued, but I closed myeyes Mystomachlurched whenI felt Paisleymove, and then a rattlingfrom behind me, the clinkingof cans, and thenPaisleylaughingmaniacallyas she jumped off mylap. Myeyes shot open, and I scowledatwhereshewasopeningacanofshandy thecansI’dkeptbehindmespecificallysoPaisleywouldn’twalkinand grabthem Iwasgoingtobreakherlikeatwig
And…pretendIwasn’tgettingthissinkingfeelinglikerejection.
“Thanks,Harps,”shesaid,doingaterriblejobsuppressinglaughter Isighed
“You’reveryluckythere’stoomanywitnesseshereformetomurderyou.”
“Youwouldn’t. Youlove me.” She winked, takinga swigfromthe can, and IthoughtmostlikelyIwould murder her becauseIunfortunatelydid loveher.
Itdidn’tmakeanysense.She’dneverdoneanythingbutannoyme.Webuttedheadsconstantly.Shewasn’tevenmytype. Atleast sheshouldn’thavebeen Shewasascrawnythingwithwild,unkemptbrownhairandbigroundglasses,wearinga HarvardsweatshirtthatwasaboutsixsizestoobigandoutofplacegivenshehaddefinitelynevergonetoHarvard,and even thougheveryoneinBayviewlovedherasthechaoticgremlincreatureshewas,myselfincluded,itwasreallyherIhadtofall
inlovewith? Her?
Ididn’tevenknowhowithadhappened,butIwantedtotakeitallback.MaybethatwaswhyI’dagreedwhenSusanna HolcombhadaskedmetoleaveBayview
Ofcourse,itwasprobablyforotherreasons.Biggerreasons.ButIdidn’tgonearthat. “Yousuretookyoursweettimeshowingup,”Isaid “Toobusygettingbubbleteaandkidnappingemployees?”
Nexttoher,Kaylaughed,eyessparkling.“Ioweherone.I’dhavebeenstandingtherestaringsadlyoffintothedistance inanemptyshopforhoursotherwise ”
Paisleyshrugged, wipingher mouthwiththe backofher hand. “Now it’s justDani who’s goingto be doingthat. You know staringintoinfinitypiningoverAnnabel.”
Priscillaputherhandsup “I’msureAnnabelwouldbeinterested Sheshouldjustask” IshoveddownthemessytangleoffeelingsIgothearinghersaythat.Shewasjustso…comfortableinthesituation,had so much trust in their relationship Annabel and I had broken up specifically because of that because I couldn’t handle Annabelstillbeingattractedtootherwomen buttherewasPriscilla,asrelaxedascouldbeandlovingwhattheyhad. IthinkIwasafraiditwouldbeajealousfeeling Andmaybeitwas,butnotquitelikeI’dexpected Just itwasnice knowingAnnabelandPriscillahadfoundsomethingsohappytogether.AndmaybepartofmejustwishedIcould,too. ButIwasn’tthekindofpersonwhocouldbewithsomebody.Thatwasforotherpeople.Peoplewhoweren’tlikeme.
“That’s whatItold her,” Paisleysaid, throwinga hand inthe air “Like, hello She didn’tevenknow youtwo have an openrelationship. She looked like she’d seenthe gates ofheavenwhenItold her. So… probablyexpecther comingaround shootinghershot”
Priscillalaughed,tuckingastrandofhairbackbehindherear.“I’llgiveAnnabeltheheads-up.”
Theparkwasgettinglivelierbytheminute,thestarttimejustaminuteortwoawayandtheguestsallshowing,squeezing intothe space bythe birchwoodpavilionandthe lattice drapedinits romantic white nettingfor the spring.PastPaisleyand Kay,Icaughta glimpse ofEmberlynnandAria movingthroughall the guests,greetingthemwarmlyinthe waybothofthem werenatural geniusesat,beforeEmberlynnbrokeoffandcameupbehindPaisley,snatchingtheshandyoutofher handfrom behind.Paisleywhirledonherwithascandalizedgasp.
“Emby!Ohmygod,thisisgrandlarceny”
“Uh-huh,sure.AndmynextcrimeisgoingtobebatterywhenIthrow thedrinkonyou,youdork.Canyouatleastwait untiltheeventstartsbeforeyougostealingallthedrinksHarperbrought?”
Paisleyputahandonherhip.“Um,evidentlynot.”
Istoodup,stretchingmyarmsout,avoidinglookingatPaisley.“Wegettingstarted?”
“Yup”EmberlynnnoddedbacktothepicnictablesheandAriahadcoveredinfood,mycakesittinginthemiddle “Help yourself.Gwen’sgettingthesoundsystemtowork.”
Kaybitdownonthebiggestsmile,thekindshealwaysgotwhensomeonesomuchasmentionedGwen Iwashonestly obsessedwiththetwoofthem.Everyoneelseintownthoughttheywerethestrangestcouple,butIcouldn’tgetenoughofhow ridiculouslyinlovetheywere.“I’mgonnago…sayhitoher,”Kaysaid.“I’msureIcanhelpherfigureoutthesoundsystem.”
Paisleysighedmelodramatically,watchingher all butskipawaytowards the pavilionwhere the soundsystemwas set up.“We’renevergettingsound.Kay’sgonnamakeoutwithheroverthestereoforages.”
Emberlynnwrinkledhernose “MaybeIshoulddisconnectthespeakers Iwouldn’twantthemtoaccidentallyconnectthe microphonewhilethey’regoingatit.”
Luckily,though,theydidn’tstartgoingatitoverthemicrophone Themusiccameonafteronlyashortdelay,andweall gathered around the table grabbing drinks, sandwiches and chips on paper plates. I managed to avoid too much of either Priscilla or Paisley,chattingwithfriends Ihadn’tseenina minute Ididn’tleave the house muchinwinter,andI’dmissed morethanonesocialeventbecauseofseasonalaffectivedisorder Plentytocatchupon
NotthatIknewwhyIwasputtingsomucheffortintocatchingupifIknewIwasleaving.
Itworemedownsomewhereafterwe’dallgonethroughthesandwichesandmovedtocake,onceI’dfinishedlistening toadozenpeoplecomplimentthecupcakes,andIfoundmyselfcomingdownintoacool,numbsensation.Myfeetledmeaway fromitall,andIendedupleaningagainstthecoldmetalrailingoverwherethestreamwasrunninghighrightnow,swellingon lastnight’srainstorm.Tuckedinherebehindthepalegreenbloomsofspring’sfirstflowersandthetreesstartingtogettheir colorback,itwaspeaceful,quiet,breathinginthefresh,cleanair,butIdidn’tgetmuchpeace.
FootstepsalongtheearthbehindmepulledmyattentionbacktowherePriscillagavemeasoftsmile,leaningagainstthe railingwithme.Shedidn’tsayanything probablyfiguredoutjustbylookinghowmuchIwaswoundup.Sheprobablyknew why,eventhoughIdidn’t
“Danicomearoundandstarthittingonyourgirlfriend,andyouhadtogetaway?”Isaid,andshelaughedlightly.
“Itdoesn’tactuallybotherme,youknow,whenithappens.It’snotthatIjuststickitoutwellandstaystrongforhersake. Itjust… doesn’tregister as somethingthatbothers me.” She paused, shiftingher weightonto one foot. “Do youthinkthat’s weird?”
“Weird…probablystrictlyinthatit’s nothow people typicallyare,butIdon’tthinkthere’s anythingwrongwithit.” I turnedbacktothestreamwithasigh.“KindofwishIwerethatway.ThingswouldhavegonealotbetterwithAnnabel.You twoareamuchbetterfit,though,so IguessI’mglad”
Sherolledhereyes.“Please.AsifitwaseveraboutAnnabelinthefirstplace.”
Ihungmyhead “ThisisyouharassingmeaboutPaisleyagain,isn’tit?”
“You’ve alreadytold me how youfeel, so… there’s no use tryingto hide things. What’s more relevant is the reason you’restayingsowithdrawnfrom youknow,everything Likeyou’reguiltyandconflictedaboutconnectingwithpeopleright now.Whathappened?”
Irubbedmyforehead.“It’sjust…somestuffwiththebakery.Don’tworryaboutit.”
“Mm”Shelookeddown “Ifyoueverwanttotalkaboutit,youknowit’ssafetotellme I’mnotagossip”
Shereallywasn’t,thatwasthething.Icouldtrusthernotonlytokeepitsecret,buttolistenpatientlyandwithcare.So whyonearthcouldn’tIbringmyselftotellevenher?
“Thanks,”Isaid,afterapause.“Whataboutyou,though?Ihaven’thadachancetoproperlychatwithyousincethenew semesterstarted How’sitgoing?”
“Itooktoo manywriting-intensive courses atonce, that’s how it’s going,” she said witha wrylaugh. “I’mstretched a littlebit…thin.”
“Priscilla, being an academic overachiever Shocking Well, if Annabel’s ever bringing a girl over and you need somewhereelsetostayandstudy,youcanhangoutatmyplace.”
“Thanks,”shelaughed “Ireallyappreciatehowyouwerethereformethroughsomuch stuff,lastsemester” “Swimminggoingokay?”
“It’sbeenreallyexciting.I’vebeenhavingprivatecoachingonceaweekwithsomeonefromtheOlympicdivision.It’s intense,but…”
“Doesn’tthatmeanyouhavethreecoachesatonce?”
Shebeamed “Yeah,twoatonceisnothingnewforme,butthreeatonceisonehellofanexperience” Iblinked.Shefurrowedherbrow.
“Ireallycouldhavewordedthatbetter” “I’msureAnnabelwouldapprove,though.”
“Imean,it’s true thatwe’vehad ” “Idon’twanttoknow.”
Shelaughed,turningbacktothestreambelow us.“It’salotgoingon,andyeah,I’mexhausted.Thisisthefirsttimeall monthI’vegoneoutanywherefun But I’menjoyingit,youknow?”
Igaveheralong,studyinglook.“Youknow…youstillneverreallysaidifyouactuallywant togototheOlympics.” “Mm I’ve beenthinkingaboutit, youknow?” She shrugged, turningaround and leaningbackwards againstthe railing, castingher gaze up to where the canopies of the trees were inhalf-bloomswayingoverhead. “And honestly, I don’t know either.ButwhatIdoknowisthatIwanttotry.Idon’tknowifIactuallycareabouttheOlympics,butIdoknowthatI…Iwant tofindthelimitsofmyabilities Andtogoasfarasthatwilltakeme SotheOlympicsaremoreameansthananend” “Huh.”Iturnedandsankbackagainsttherailingnexttoher,followinghergazeup,watchingthestripsofdarkeningsky throughthetrees “That’sprettysmart” “Itry.”
“Anyideawhatyou’redoingaftergraduation?” Hersmilefaltered.“Um…I’mstillfiguringitout.” Ishrugged.“Yourlifehaschangedatoninthepastyear.Itmakessenseyouwouldn’tknowhowtoplanforthefuture.” “Yeah,Iguessso ”Shekickedlightlyattheearth “MymomtoldmeIcouldworkwithher,travel alongsideherand helpwiththebusiness.AndIthinkI’dhavenoproblemsgettingajobinDCorsomething.AndIfeellikeI should bedoing somethingbig,chasingthelimitsofmypotential butIdon’twanttoleaveBayview”
“Yourmom’sbeenworkingfromwherevershelikesintheworld.Couldn’tthatbeBayview?”
“Yeah,maybe Iguessit’sjustabout figuringoutwhatI’msupposedtobedoingwithmyself”
“Loadedword, supposed to. ”
“No kidding. I’mjustfocusingonthe here and now.” She turned to me witha bigsmile. “Thanks for hearingme out, though IalwaysfeellikeIcantrustyouwiththesethings”
“Anytime.”Ismiledlightlyather.“Thanksforsharing.”
“Sonow,inexchange,you’lltellmewhyyouwon’taskPaisleyout?” Iwrinkledmynose.“BecauseI’dratherfalloffabridgeanddie?” “Thatseemsabitdramatic…”
“There’snothingbetweenmeandher.Justalittlecrushthat’sall historynow.”Ipushedawayfromtherailing,starting back in the direction of where I could hear the party settling down, the chatter dwindling away. “I appreciate you being
supportive,though.”
“Hey, I’mjust saying…” She pushed off fromthe railing too, keeping up with me. “Running away frommy feelings certainlydidn’twork Andrunningtowardsthemdid Evenwhenitwashard” Itwasn’tthatIwantedtorunaway.Just…IwishthereweresomewaytoconveytoPriscillathatitwas different. Some waytogetitacrosswithoutmakingherhatemeforit
“Thanks,”Isaidoffhandedly.“We’llsee.”
Emberlynncaughtmestealingacupcaketogo,andsheraisedaneyebrowatme. “Whereareyouevenrunningoffto?”
“I’mnotrunningoff.”
“You’vegotthatrunning-offlookinyoureyes Don’tthinkIcan’trecognizethelookofcrimeinyourexpression” Ipouted,shovinghalfthecupcakeintomymouth.“Harpsranaway.I’mtrackingherdown.”
“Shewenthomeforthenight That’sareasonablethingtodoattheendofaparty” “Yeah,butshedidn’tsaygoodbyetome,and how cananybodyleavewithoutsayingsomethingtothestaroftheshow? So.I’mofftorightherwrongs.”Iwavedthecupcakehalfgenerallyinherdirection,talkingwithmymouthfull.“Thanksfor theparty,EM.You’rewearingyourselftoothin.I’mcookingyoudinnertomorrow.”
“God, I need that. I’m dead on my feet. Thanks, Pais.” She paused, looking like she was debating whether to say something Iscowled,swallowingthecakebeforeIspoke “Sayit,bastard.”
“Nope”
“DoitorI’llpunchyouinthenuts.”
“Idon’thave…forgetit.Youdon’twantmetosayit.”
“Areyouchallengingme?”Iputmyhandonmyhips.“Nowyou’relegallyrequiredtosayit.”
Shesighed,foldingherarms.“Okay,fine.Youaskedforit.AreyoufuckingHarperagain?”
“I ”Ialmostdroppedthecupcake “Ohmygod,EM,Ithoughtweagreednevertospeakaboutthatagain” “Someonewouldn’tletmenotsayit.”
Ihuffed,turningaway “Itwasjustarandomthingwedid,like,almostayearago It’sinthepast” “Almosta ”Shedidadoubletake.“Holdon.”
Iblanched.“Almost…fouryearsago,iswhatImeanttosay.Iforgothowtimeworks.” “Youdiditagain?”
“No!”Ihuggedmyarmsundermychest.“Ugh,stopbeingsuchavoyeur,EM.”
“Iknew somethinghadhappenedafterI’dfirstmovedovertoNewYork Yousleptwith ” “Shh. There’sstillpeople.Ohmygod.I’llkillyou.”
She leaned incloser, droppingher voice to a fierywhisper “What, did youtake another trip to the lighthouse? Have someonestandyouupagain?”
“No!Ohmygod.Wewerejusthangingoutontheboat ”
“Onthe boat? Thistimeyoufuckedheronaboat?”
“Ohmygod,Ididn’tmeantosaythat.God,you’renosy.”
“Firstoff,IneverthoughtI’dseeaworldwhere you call someoneelsenosy Secondly youexpectmetobelievethat youfuckhertwice,yearsapart,andthatthere’sstillnothingthere?”
“Ugh,Emberlynn”Isetthecupcakedown,puttingbothhandsonmyhips,scowlingather “Letagirlfuckeverynowand then!Itdoesn’tmeananything!Sometimesthesethingsjusthappen!”
“Just happen andyoujust happen torecordit,too?”
“Hey,Iwasn’ttheonerecordingitthistime!”
Shepaled.Ipaled,too.
“Ididn’tmeantosaythatoutloud”
“IthinkI’mgoingtobesick,”shesaid.
“PleaseforgetIsaidanything.”
“Sonowyoubothhaverecordingsofyoutwohavingsex.” “Shh. Ihaven’twatchedmineinagesanyway.”
“Soyoudo stillhavethepassword”
“Oh!Um.I,uh,foundit…onastickynote…inthebasement…”
“Uh-huh” She folded her arms “And didn’tuse itto delete the
withher.”
“No!Wejust…accidentallyhadsexacoupletimes,that’s it!”
“Nobodyaccidentally fingerssomeoneoveralighthouserailing,Paisley,letalone accidentally recordsit”
“Ugh.It’snotaboutthat,anyway!”Iturnedaway,hunchingmyshoulders,snatchingthecupcakebackup.“Ijustwantto hangoutwithher Justbecausewehappenedtofindourselvesmaybehavingalittlesexhereandtheredoesn’tmeanwecan’t hangout,yousicko.”
“I’mgoingtopiercemyowneardrumssoIdon’thavetohearyoukeeptalkingaboutthis ”
“Youkeepasking!”
“Youkeepfuckingher!”
“She’s really good!”Ipursedmylips “Um let’spretendIdidn’tsaythat”
“Iwillgenuinelybedoingeverythinginmypowertodojustthat.”Sherubbedherforehead,wavingmeoff.“Please.Just go GofindHarperanddonot,Ibegyou,letmeknowwhathappensnext”
Ugh.Whatajerk.Iwaswastedonher.AndjustbecauseIlikedtohavesexeverynowandthen!Asifitwasacrimeto topHarper!
Ifumedthewholewayoutofthepark,inbetweensipsofmyshandyuntilIfinisheditoffnotfarfromHarper’shouse, andIspottedthelightoninherbedroom.Iwentaroundtothebackandhikedupmysleevesandtuckedmyshirtintomyshorts beforeIclimbedupthetreebehindthehouse,thebarkroughagainstmyfingersasIhoistedmyselfuptotherooftopterrace Witha grunt,Iswungmyselfover the railingandstumbleda little onthe tiles,myshoes clicking,andIkickedmyshoes off beforeIopenedthedoorandheadeddownthestairsandintothelivingroom
IpausedatthedoortoherbedroombeforeIthoughtbetterofit.Iturnedfirsttothekitchenandhelpedmyselfthroughher fridge itwasalwayssafesttogoinwithafood-basedbribe butIpausedhalfwaythroughassemblingacheesetraywhenI noticedacakeshedidn’tmake.
Itwasasmallthing,square,blackwithelegantwhitepiping,onequartertakenouttoshowamarblecakewithadense crumb Theshimmerysilvertrayitwasonhadadistinctivedesignaroundtheedges,andonecornerread FONTAINE SQUARE incurlingletters.
Thatwasweird
Igrabbedmyphonefrommybackpocketandlookeditup,andIonlyhadmorequestionsthelongerIlooked.Forone, theywerebasedinNewYork,whichwas,infact,nothere.Fortwo itwasapparentlysomekindofultra-luxecompanydoing cakes and pastry catering for super-high-profile events. I got pictures of the two directors, David Fontaine and Susanna Holcomb,alongsidecelebritiesandeverything.
IknewHarpshadtakenatriptoNewYorkoverthewinter,butIdidn’tknowshe’dgonetoanysuper-fancyevents And itwastoolongagotohavebroughtbackacake.Andwhobroughtanentirecakehomefromanevent,anyway?Imean,aside fromme
Somethingwasshady.Shehadsaidshewastalkingwithsomeinterestingpeoplelately.IfshewasworkingwithahighclasscateringfirmtocreatetheultimatepartyinBayview,Ineededtobeinonthings.So itwasprobablyonlyfairthatIread hermail
Isnuckcarefullydownstairs,intothebakery,whereallthelightswereshutoff,andIslippedintothebackoffice,where herdesktopcomputerwasonaflimsywoodendesk Iwokeitup,andwhenitaskedforaPIN,ItriedtheoneHarpergaveme forthedoorlockonetime,5571.
Hi, Harper
Girlsuckedatcybersecurity.Shehadthiscomingtoher.
I pulled up her web browser and checked her email it was opento her business email, whichwas all I was really concernedwith Mostlyupdatesfromhersuppliers,orders,anewslettersubscriptionshe’dclearlysignedupforaccidentally withherworkemailinsteadofherregularemail,updatesfromthepropertymanager,thelike.
IttookabitofscrollingbeforeIfoundtheonefromSusannaHolcomb,andIalmostscrolledpastitbeforeIremembered thename.Iclickedonit,anemailexchangecominguponthescreen,andIscrolledtothetop.
Hey Harper,
It’s Susanna, from Fontaine. I wanted to reach out and say thanks again for visiting us! It was such a pleasure to meet you, and we ’ re really excited to discuss what happens next.
I’ve attached the PDF with all the information for our partners Look through it and try to let me know soon what you think, all right?
Message me if you have any questions!
Partners.Ifrowned,aheavyweightsettlinginmystomach,asIscrolledthrough.
Partners Harper’s replies, and her conversationgoingthroughthe intricacies ofthe work, made anuglypicture take crystalclarity.
Harperwasn’tvisitingfancyeventsandgettingluxurycateringforabomb-asseventorsomething.Harperwasditching
CrystalLightsBakerytogoworkforFontaineSquareinstead. AndshewasleavingBayviewattheendofApriltodoit.
Andshehadn’ttold me
Behindme,thesoundofsomeoneclearingherthroatmademejump,andIwhirledbackonwhereHarperleanedinthe doortotheoffice,herarmsfolded,glaringatme “Paisley,”shesaid.
“Shh Notnow I’mreading”Iturnedbacktothecomputer “Hm.Indeedyouare.”
ItonlyhitmewhenIgottotheendoftheemailexchangethatitwasHarperbehindme,watchingmereadheremails.I whirledbackonheragain,myheartjumping,andIshotherawitheringlook
“Harper. Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Investigatingthestrangepoltergeistthathalfway-assembledacheeseboardonmykitchentableandthenwenttopoke throughmycomputer.”
“Oh,shoot Iforgotthecheese”
Herfrowndeepened,andhereyesdarkenedinawayIwasn’tusedtoseeingfromher.“MayIaskwhyyou’rereadingmy emails,Paisley?”
Ifrowned,claspingmyhandsatmywaist “MayIaskwhenyouwereplanningontellingeverybodythatyou’removing outoftown?”
Alookofpanicflickeredbrieflyoverherexpression,andsheputahandoverherforehead “Dammit Idon’tknowwhyI thoughtIcouldkeepanythingtomyselfinatownwherePaisleylives.”
“Were youplanningontellingme atall?” Aheavyweightcoalesced inmystomach, a sickfeelingnow. I’d justbeen screwingaround,playinggames,andsuddenlyIstoodinthemiddleofsomethingmuchtooserious.Muchtooheavy.Itfeltlike I’dbeengorgingmyselfonchocolatesandsuddenlylurchedintofeelingsick.
Harperlookedaway “WhywouldIneedto?Clearlyyoujusthelpyourselftomythingsandfindout”
“This is that person you’ve been talking to lately? Ever since December, you’ve been planning on leaving all of us withouttellingus?”
Shesighed,hard,steppingbackoutofthe office andgesturingme tothe backdoor ofthe building.“Whydon’tyougo aheadandheadhomenow,Pais?”
“No,I’mprettycomfortablehere.”MyvoicecameoutcolderandsmallerthanI’dexpected.Harpernarrowedhereyes.
“Iamtelling youtogetthefuckoutofmyofficeandstoplookingthroughmyprivatecomputer.”
“Oh,yeah?Andwhat’sstoppingmefromgoingandtellingeveryoneinBayviewabouthowyou’reapparentlyjustupand runningawaywithout…withoutevensayingawordaboutit?”
“Greatquestion What’sstoppingmefromtellingeveryonehow youbreakintomyhouseandraidmycomputertoread myprivateemailexchanges?”
Iputmyhandsonmyhips.“Nameonepersonwhowouldbesurprised.”
Shefaltered “Dammit Fairpoint”
Allofasudden,allthenervesandanxiety,thefrustrationandthebetrayal,meltedintosomethingsosadIjustwantedto cry Isoftened,andItookastepcloser Shebackedaway,butIcamecloseragain,andshedidn’tretreatthistime,lettingme getcloseenoughIputahandonherarm.
“Areyouactuallyleaving?”Isaid,andIthinkIsawherheartbreak,thewholethingplayingoutoverherfeatures Quietly,sheturnedaway,andshedidn’tsayanything movedtospeak,stopped,andfellbackintosilence. “Harper?”
Shegesturedme,haltingly,tothestairs “There’s I’vegotacakefromthem Let’s wemightaswellatleastshareit”
I’dneverheardaninvitationforcakesoundsosad.Iwalked,quietly,withherupthestairs,andIfeltanantsysensation througheverypartofmybody,likeIwouldjustburst,ripapartonthespot Iwantedtoscreamanddemandanswersfromher I thinkIwasshaking.Iwasn’tsurewherethishadcomefrom IknewfullwellIdidn’twanthertoleave,butthis?This?
ShepulledtheFontaineSquarecakeoutofthefridgeoncewegotintoherkitchen,andshebrewedtwocupsofcoffee Herregularbedtimewasinanhour,but…Ididn’tquestionit.Isatwithherassheslicedthecakeintwopiecesandslidme onewithacoffee.
“It’samarblecake From ”
“Iknow.IsawitwhenIwaslookingforcheese.That’swhyIwentlookingforwhatFontaineSquarewas.”
Sherubbedherforehead “God,inthemiddleofallthis,Iforgotaboutthecheese Whywereyouraidingthefridgefor cheese?”
“Icameintosayhi,butyounormallygetupsetwhenIcomeinthroughtheroof,soIthoughtI’dbribeyouwithcheese.” “Bribeme.Withmyownfood.Also,willyoustop climbingontotheroof?”
“IguessIwill,ifyouaren’tevengoingtolivehereanymore.”
Shefell silentagain.Fuming,Ijabbedatthecake,feelinglikeIwas stabbingSusannaHolcombfor stealing my friend awayfromBayview.Harperwassupposedtostayhere Shewassupposedtostaywithme
Thecakewasreallygood,though
Finally,Harperspokeinaquietwhisper,lookingdownatherplate.“I…justthinkit’sthenextstepforward.Theywere impressedwithmyperformanceinthecompetition It’sa really goodposition Andprogress Ineedtobemakingprogress” Ipursedmylips,andIdidn’twantmyvoicetocomeoutsoundingpitiful,butIdidn’tgeteverythingIwanted.“Areyou goingtocomeback ?”
Shewinced,andthatwasalltheanswerIneeded.“Idon’t…know.”
“Ugh.Dammit.Ifyou’dtoldmenormally,Iwouldhavebeenhappyforyou.Andcelebratedyou.And,and…and…”
“I meantto”Shehungherhead “Iwasjustafraidyou’d hatemeforit,Iguess”
Harperwasthekindofgirlwhoalwayscomposedherselfwithsomuchstrength,anunbreakablepillar.Buttherewere thelittlecrackslikethis,whereyoucouldseethroughtheconcretewallsandsawascaredlittlegirlwhowasalwayssoafraid to let herself have anythinggood, posingas someone different, someone stronger, and it always gave me feelings I wasn’t preparedforwhenIsawit
Ilookeddownatmycake.“YoureallythoughtI’dhateyou?”
“Idon’tknow. Maybe thatI’d hate myself. Either way, doesn’treallymatter, now thatyou’ve invited yourselfinto my personalfiles”
“Ididn’tcheckyour personal email,justyourworkone.”
Sherubbedherforehead “Lovely Whatarelief”
“Itis arelief.Nowallthenewslettersforsextoyboutiquesyou’resignedupto,Idon’tseethem.”
Shedraggedahandoverherface.“AndI’msupposedtobelievethatwhenyoucommentonthem?” Ipaused.“Um.Iwasjustmakingajoke.Ididn’tknowyouactuallygotany.” “Oh.”
The roomfell intosilence The windrumbledinthe window frame Afurious blushspilledover Harper’s face as she lookedaway.
“Whatareyousubscribedto ”
“Shh shutup.”
“What?Youcan’tdropsomethinglikethatandnotgivemethedeets.”
“Iwasn’ttryingtodropanything!”Shewasblushingallthewaydowntohernecknow,tintingaroundthefloraltattoos shehadthere.Shelookedcutewhenshewaslikethis.
“I’mgonnastartguessing”
“I’lljumpfromthewindow.”
“Isit,like,youboughtsomethingandyougotadiscountforsigningup ” “Paisley.”
“What’dyouget?”
“Awandvibrator!Shutup!”
I dropped backinmychair. “That’s it? That’s so basic. Fromhow youwere reacting, I was expectingfetishgear or something”
She buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god. Thank you for sealing the decision. I cannot leave Bayview quickly enough”
Isighed, takinga bite ofcake and savoringthe creaminess ofthe frosting, impossiblyrichbuttercreamand a complex vanilla.“So,”Isaidfinally,“youactuallymeanit.You’regoingtoleaveBayview.Attheendofnextmonth.”
Shewasquiet,staringdownatthefloor,before small,timid shenodded
“Nextstepinyour journey,huh.”Ikickedatthefloor,feelingpetulant.“Well…congratulations,Iguess,youhugejerk. Thisseemslikeareallybigdealandaspecialhonortogetinthere”
Shepursedher lips.“I…Idon’twantanyonetothinkI’mjusttryingtogetawayor anything.Ireallylikethis place.I reallylikethepeoplehere Anditwasn’teasyto decideonsomethinglikethis”
SuddenlyIfeltso far away, like Iwas lookinginthroughthe window, and Ikind ofjustwanted to cry. Ihuddled into myself,andItookalongbreathbeforeIsaid,“Ifitdoesn’tpanout,though,you’llcomebackhere,right?”
“Idon’tknow ”Sherubbedather arm “OnceI’vecloseddownthebakeryandleft,Idon’tthinkI’dhaveanyplace herecomingback.”
“Youshutyourmouth Peoplewouldwantyouback That’sfinal Dealwithit”
Shegavemeatired,barely-theresmile.“It’sonethingtosayitnow…”
“Isaid shut it Ugh.Ican’tbelieveyouwouldeventhinkaboutimplyingIwouldn’twantyouback.InBayview.”Isighed hard,standingup,myheadspinningalittlewiththehotsensationchurningthere.“Ugh,I’mgoing.I’vehadenoughcake.Ican’t believeI’deversaythosewords.”
“Paisley ”Harperstoodupwithme,butIturnedmybackonher. “Shush.I’mmadrightnow.”
“You’re mad,whenyou’retheonewhowasraidingmycomputer ” “Yes, I ammad! I’mgoingto go… go… workthe damnbookshop or something. Ugh! I hate you, Harper. More than anyoneintheworldhaseverhatedanyoneever,ever,ever,ever,ever!”
IshoutedthewordslouderandlouderasIstormeddownthestairsandunlockedthebackdoor,throwingonelastangry ever upthestairsbeforeIslammedthedoorshutbehindmeandsankbackagainstit,foldingmyarmsandlettingmyheadsink backagainstthedoor.
Thenightwasquietrightnow.Tooquiet.Ididn’tlikeit.Everyonehadprobablypartiedthemselvesenoughatthepark earlierthattheygottiredandjustwantedtogohome,andnoweverythingwasempty Liketheworldwasholdingitsbreath Timidly,Iturnedbackandopenedthedooragain,anervoussensationinmystomachasIleanedinside.
“Harper?”Icalled “Um Idon’thateyou Justsoyouknow Youknowthat,right?” Ifshecouldevenstillhearmeupstairs,shedidn’trespond.Ipursedmylips.
“Iloveyou,like,tothemoonandback Youdoknowthat,right?”
Stillnoresponse.Ugh.MaybeIdidhateher.Iturnedback,shuttingthedoorbehindme,andIwalkedfeelingdizzyand vaguelysickthewholewaybacktomyhouse.
The morningwas a dizzyhaze. Iblamed the lackofsleep. ArguingwithPaisleyhad leftme lyingthere inbed for an awfullylongtime,staringoutthewindowatwhereIcouldseeherhouseacrossthestreet,andI’djust…thought.Ididn’teven knowwhatabout.Butallinall,itkeptmeuppastmidnight,andIgotmaybefourhoursofsleep.
Still,itwashardtosayifitwasactuallythelackofsleeporifthatwasaconvenientexcuse I’dinterrogatethatthought never.
The morningrushwas the same as ever, people cominginbright-eyed, cheerful and chattering, and people comingin lookingassleep-deprivedanddeadontheirfeetasIwas.Eitherway,itwaseasytotuneoutwhileIwashere justgetinto theflow,gothroughalistofthingsIknewneededdoing,andfindmypeaceinthemoment.
Emberlynncameinniceandearlytoday,whichgavemeinformationthat,asalways,Iactivelytriednottothinkabout. ShegavemeananxioussmileasshesetdownaloafofItalianwhitebreadandatrayofblueberrymuffins.
“What’stonight’sdinner?”Isaid,baggingupherbread
“Noidea.Paisiscookingformetonight,andshesaidtogetItalianbreadforit.”
Looked like I couldn’t get far without thinking of Paisley I should have been pissed off at her rooting through my computer.Instead,IthinkIwasjustsomehow gladIdidn’thavetoactuallybreakthenewstoher gladIdidn’thavetosay anythingdifficult.Ikindofwishedeveryonewouldjuststumbleacrossit.
Well,Icouldn’thandlethatmanymeltdownsoverit.Paisley’shadbeenenough.Havingherstormingoutshoutingthatshe hatedmehadbeenacatharticrelief,somethingIknewIdeserved.Ithadbeenherleaningbackinthroughthedoordownstairs toshoutthatshelovedmethathadhurt
Why?Ididn’tknow.
“She’dbetterbecareful,”Isaididly,ringingherup “There’sahalfteaspoonofblackpepperinthebread Mightbetoo spicyforhertohandle.”
Emberlynnscratchedherhead.“Yeah…shesaidshewanteditforthespicykick.”
“Jesus IthoughtIwasexaggerating Eightthirty-two”
Shehandedoverhercard,andIswipeditthrough,tossingthereceipt.“Thanks,”shesaid.
“So,”Isaid “Whythelook?”
“God dammit.” She hungher head. “Ugh. I’mjustup inmyownhead again. The exactsame wayas before. Over the exactsamesituationasbefore WhyamIsuchafuckingidiot?”
I sighed. “Well… in my humble view, if we don’t make fucking idiots of ourselves from time to time, we’re not growing.”
“Ugh Iguess Idobelievethat Just howdoIputmyselfintheexactsamepositionandexpectsomethingelse?” “Youdon’texpectsomethingelse, youexpectyourselfto be able to handle itdifferentlyfromlasttime. And youwill. You’re better at pushing through the self-doubt now and making something with your own signature style regardless of the pressure.Wantmetolistentowhatyou’vebeenworkingon?”
“No,Ijustwantyoutotakeawayall oftheproblems forever Butinlieuofthat,maybe Doyouwanttocomejoinus for…spicydinner?”
JoiningPaisleyforanythingrightnowwasano-go.I’dhavetowaitawhilebeforeIwasreadytoseeheragain.“Ican’t dodinner,butIcouldswingbyafterIclosehereandwecouldgrablunchtogether?”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Aria’s got calls at lunchtime, so we can go for noodles and I’ll bring back her favorite as takeawayforonceshe’sdone?”
Ilaugheddrily,shakingmyhead.“Youtwoaresickeninglysweet.Iloveit.Yeah,thatworks.I’lltextyouonceI’mdone withclosing.”
“Soundsgood.Thanks,Harps.Asalways.I’dbeuselesswithoutyou.”
Thatwas reallynotwhatIwantedtohear rightnow.WhatIneededwas peoplelininguptotell mehow Icontributed nothingandtheydidn’twantmehere
After Anders came inand got the carrot mini-cupcake for Nancy, and once we’d chatted for a bit about what he and Nancyhadmissedattheparty,Isettledintotheeasy,comfortablelull thatalwayscamedownover
Andersleft.Icleanedthefloors,restockedtheshelves,andIwasinthemiddleofworkingthroughtheeveningbatchofbreads whenthedoorbellrang.Ifinishedquicklywithscoringthebreadsandshovedtheminthewalk-inoven,andIwashedmyhands beforeIsteppedouttothefrontandfumbledovermyownfeetatthesightofPaisleythereontheothersideofthecounter,a pink-wrappedgiftboxinherhands.
“Pais?”Isaid “Don’ttellmeyou’retryingtotradesomethingelseforacaketoday”
She stuckouther tongue.“Nah.Imoochedone ofEmby’s leftover cupcakes this morning.Youreallynaileditwiththe lemon”Shesetthepackagedown,slidingitacrossthecounter tome Itwasn’t thebest-wrappedpackageintheworld,a littlecrumpledinthecornersandheldtogetherwithtoomuchtape.AndbyalittlecrumpledImeantalot.Butitwasacute, softshadeofpinkwithathingreenribbon,andanotetiedtotheribbonread For Harper I’m sorry for saying I hate you I gotalumpinmythroatasItookthebox,myheartbeatingfast Paisleywastheonlyonewho’devergottenmetoadmitpink wasmyfavoritecolor.
“Yougotmeapresent?”Isaid,finally “Isitabomb?” “Nope,justtenthousandcockroaches.”
“Comingfromyou,Ican’tbesureifthat’strueornot ”
She waved me off. “Ohmygod, youdumbass, justopenit. It’s notactuallybombs or cockroaches. It’s a going-away gift.”
SuddenlyIwantednothingtodowiththegift Ithurtlikeaknifetothechest,andIprayedshedidn’tnoticethewaymy handsclenchedtighteronthebox.
“Idon’twantyouleavingwithoutatleastknowingfirstthatyou’relovedby ” “Ican’tacceptit,”Isighed.PaisleylookedlikeI’djustmurderedherbabyinfrontofher.
“What? Ohmygod.Youcan’tnot accept agiftfromPaisleyMacleod.LookhowprettyIamtoday!”
She looked the exact same as always. In fact she was wearing the same sweater as last night. Or maybe she had multiplesofit.
Still,Isighed,settingtheboxdown
“Idon’tneed pityand sweetgestures and a bunchofpeople comingaround tellingme oh we ’ re going to miss you so much That’swhyIwastooafraidtotellpeople Ican’t I’mnotgoingtoplaythisgame”
Paisleyscowled.Ipushedtheboxintoherhands,andwordlessly,sheturnedonherfeet,stormingbacktowardsthedoor. Mystomachchurned witha sicksensation, regrettingitinstantly, butshe stopped atthe door, and Iblinked fastwhenshe lockedit,flippedtheOPENsigntoCLOSED,andturnedoffthelights.Marchingbacktowardsmewithgrimperseverance,she heldoutthebox.
“Tryagain,”shesaid
“Didyoujustclosemybakerydowntodothis?”
Shegesturedtothebakery “Whatdoesitlooklike?Areyoutakingitorwhat?” Ifoldedmyarms.I’djustregretteddoingthis,butastubbornstreaktoldmenottogivein.
ButPaisleyplantedherhandsonthecounter,andsheleanedtowardsme,andmystomachdroppedwhenshespokeina lowmurmur,meetingmyeyes
“Uncrossyourarms.”
I wasn’temotionallypreparedforthis Iuncrossedthempurelybyreflex,myfaceburning Paisleynodded “Good.Putyourhandsout,Harper.”
Iputmyhandsout Ilookedatthemliketheywerebetrayingme Ifeltlikemywholebodyburnedwithembarrassment Justbecauseshewasusingthevoicesheusedwhenwe’dhadsexandshe’dtoldmewhattodo “Mm-hm.Justlikethat.Turnyourpalmsup.”
Iturnedmypalmsup Igenuinelydidn’teventhinkaboutit Shesettheboxdownonmyhands,andsheleanedincloser, hergazelockedonmine.Ididn’twanttoknowhowmuchIwasblushingrightnow.
“Righthand,up Ontheribbon Holdtheloosestrand”
“I… told you I can’t accept it,” I murmured weakly, but I took the loose strand of ribbon. The double entendre of unfasteningitsothedressingcouldfallawaywasn’tlostonme
“Nowpullonit.”
Ipulled the ribbon. Mybreathhitched inmythroatas itpulled againsta snag, strainingagainstthe loose knot, tension buildingthroughmybodyas itdrew tighter andthenIgasped,a small one butstill anembarrassingone,whenitgave,the ribboncomingundoneandfallinglimpovermyhand.Myheartwasracing.Overopeningapresent? Really?
Paisleysmiledwider,andshereachedup,andshetookher glasses off Myheadwentfuzzy Withall theassociations, andthefactthatshe’dtakenherglassesoffintheboatwhenwe’d…
“You know what to do,” she whispered. I jerked involuntarily, every part of me embarrassingly flush with selfawareness,butImovedmyhandstotearthewrapping,peelingstripsawayuntilitcamedowntoawhitegiftboxwithapale pinktrimaroundtheedges.
Paisleysmiled,aglintinhereyes.
“Good,”shesaid,leaningbackagain,puttingherglassesbackon,breakingthespell.Ijerkedbacktoreality,myhands stillshaking,asshegesturedtothebox “C’mon,thegiftisinside”
Iwasgoingto goingtohaveafuckingheartattackanddie.Iburnedwithembarrassment,frustratedwithmyselftothe pointwhere IthoughtI’d die for beingaffected like that “All right, all right,” Imuttered, lookingdownatthe box, forcing myselfnottolookatPaisley.“Ifyou’regoingtogetpushy.”
Shelaughed “YoulikewhenIdo”
Dammit. IdidneedtoleaveBayview.Withshakinghands,Ilifteduptheboxlid,andIstopped,frowningattheinside.
A picture frame. It was a gorgeous frame, clearly from Emory’s shop, hand-carved wood with a quick ocean view paintedintothecorneralongwiththeword Bayview, but theframewasempty “Pais,Ithinkyouforgotthephoto.”
“What?”Shewentwide-eyed,lookingatit “Oh,crap Oh,god WhatdidIdowithit?” Igaveheradeadpanlook.Afterasecond,shebrokeintohersignaturesmile. “Nah,I’mkidding Thatwasonpurpose” “Sure.”
“Imeanit.Areyoureadyformybrilliantidea?”
“No,it’stoobrilliantformetowithstand I’dbetterputitbackandjustopentheshopagain” Sheleanedoverthecounter,eyessparkling.“We’regonnatakeapictureforit.”
“You’reoutsourcingthelaborofmakingthegifttome?”
“Oh my god, it’s like you’re trying to be obtuse. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.” She let out a long, melodramatic sigh. “How’s this? Before youleave Bayview, one lasttour ofit. We go experience everythingBayview, and you’regoingtohaveagreattimesoyoudon’thavetolookbackandworryaboutanythingyoumissedoutondoing.Andwe’ll takepictures,andyoucanputyourfavoriteoneintheframetoremember.”
Iletoutaheavysigh,droppingtheframebackontothetissuepaper inthebox Paisleywasanythingbutconventional, but…shedidgivethebestgifts.Andthis,turnedout,washeroutdoingherself.Inawaythatmademewanttopushherover, runaway,hidemyselfawayinmybedroom,andneverseeanyoneagain
Ididn’tdeservethis.ButIcouldn’tbringthatupwithoutgettinganearfulfromher.
“Isthis tour goingtobeyousendingmetodoerrandsforyou?”Isaid,finally.Shesnorted.
“C’mon.Cynicismisn’tagoodlookforsomeonethatpretty.You’regoingtodecidewhat’sonthetour.” “Really.” Itriedtoignore the partabouther callingme pretty.Ididn’tknow how toengage withitrightnow.“SoI’m alsothetourguideformyowntour”
“Maybelessatourandmore,like…abucketlist.”Shegrinned.“Bayviewbucketlist.Everythingyou’veeverwantedto dohere AndI’mgonnaspoilthehelloutofyoubytakingyoutodoeverything Whatdoyousay?Andyouronlyoptionisyes, becauseit’sPaisleyasking,sokeepthatinmind.”
“Bayviewbucketlist.”Irubbedmyforehead.“Howtackyisthat?”
Sheputherhandsonherhips “Youtakethatbackrightnow,orIwillstartscreamingasloudasIpossiblycanuntilyou do.”
“Okay!Okay Itakeitback Ohmygod”Isankagainstthewallbehindthecounter,lookingdownattheframe “So?We’llmeetuptomorrowmorning,andwe’llfigureoutwhat’sonyourbucketlist.”
Iglowered “Iworkinthemorning,Paisley Runningtheshop Iworkliterallyeverymorning”
“Notifyouclosetomorrow,youwon’t.”Shewinked.“C’mon.Youdeserveadayoff.Especiallyifyou’regettingready toleave,betterweaneveryoneoffthisplace.”
Themoreshetalkedaboutit,therealeritfelt,andIwasn’treally emotionallyreadyforthat Ilookedoutthewindow “Thanks,butnothanks.”
“Well,toolate Ialreadyputwordoutthatyou’regoingtobeclosedtomorrow” Ipaused.“Youdidwhat?”
Shepuffedoutherchest “I’mthequeenofgossip,youknow Iwantsomethingtogeteverywhereintown,Icandoitjust likethat,bam!Paisleysuperpowers.So,dealwithit.You’reminetomorrowmorning.” Ifeltmyselfflush. Dammit. WasIthateasy?Allshehadtodowaswordsomethinglikethat? No itwasobviouslyalotmorethanthat Butthatexplanationwaseasiertoaccept “Idon’tknowwhyIevertrysayingnotoyou,”Isighed,hard.“Well,I guess ifnobody’scomingheretomorrowanyway ”
“Great!”Shereachedacrossandpulledmeintoanawkwardover-the-counterhug,squeezingherfaceintomyshoulder, theframeofherglassespressingintomycollar.“I’llseeyoutomorrow,then.Ohmygod,thisisgoingtobegreat.I’msucha genius.”
“You’recertainlyvery…something.”
“Yep!Agenius.”Shepulledaway,beaming,andshewinkedbeforeshespunonherheel.“I’llopentheshopagainonmy wayout!I’llseeyoutomorrow,Harps.Loveyou.”
Itreallywaspointlesstotryresistingherinanything Isankagainstthecounter,lookingdownattheemptyphotoframein thebox,staringupatme.
IwaskindofhopingI’dbeabletogetbacktomyplaceandthenjustcrash like,fallface-firstintomybedandblare some music and let myself be a moodymess but there was a clatteringnoise inthe kitchen, music playing. I rounded the cornerintothekitchen,primedforrevenge.
“Emberlynn Itold youI’d be cooking ” Istopped, scrunchingup myface atthe sightofKaythere, lookingup from whereshewas,byallappearances,servingupstrawberriesandcream.“You’renotEmberlynn.”
Shebeamed “I’mnot!It’strue”
IguessIcouldhaveexpectedthis.ItwasdefinitelyJ-Popshewasblaringfromherphone,thecasedeckedoutinglittery pastels and anime character stickers. Thatwasn’tEmberlynn’s usual music taste. ButIputmyhands onmyhips, scowling. “Whodoyouthinkyouare,justbargingintosomeone’shousewithoutasking?”
Shescratchedherhead.“EmberlynnsawmewaitingatyourdoorandsaidIcouldjustgoin…”
“Thisisliterallyworsethanmurder”
“Don’tyoudothistoeveryonebasicallyallthetime?”
“Yes Butthat’sdifferent I’mPaisley You’renot Ugh”Ipaused “Areyoumakingmefood?”
Sheperkedup.“Strawberriesandcream!Ithoughtitcouldbenice.IbroughtsometeaGwensaidIcouldsharewithyou. ShesaidtheEmperor’sCloudsgreenteawouldbeaperfectmatch.”
“IguessIcanforgiveyou,ifyoubroughtfood.”
She laughed. “Wait until we’ve sat down to talk about what we said yesterday, before you decide whether you’ve forgivenme”
Oh,god.I’dforgotten.Ipursedmylips.“Right…”
Shegavemeanawkwardlaugh “Youforgot”
“No!”
“Yes?”
“Yes”Islumped “Ugh Fine I’llputthewateronforthetea”
“Oh heatittoone-sixty-two,okay?”
“YouthinkIhaveakettlethatprecise?It’sonlybecauseofEmberlynnthatIdon’tjustputaglassofwaterintheovenand callitaday.”
Butstill,thefoodwasdelicious,atleast IwaspoutingandgrouchythewholetimeIateit,butitwasdelicious,andthe teaworkednicelywithit,evenifIswearitjusttastedliketeaandtherewasnothingthatspecialaboutit.Ionlygothalfway throughthefood,though,beforeKaygavemeanawkwardlookoverthepileofstuffonmytable,andshesaid,“So…what’s eatingyou?”
“Iwishsomethingwouldeatme.Agiantsnappingturtlemadeoflightningthatdescendsfromtheheavenstosnapmeup initsjawsandflyintothesun”
“Well,barringthathappening,doyouwanttotellmewhat’sonyourmind?Youlooklikeyou’regoingthroughit.”
Islumpedoverthetable “Nah It’sbecauseofsomethingthatsomeone’skeepingasecret,andIdon’tspillsecrets” “Aren’tyouthebiggestgossipintown…?”
“There’s gossip and thenthere’s secrets. And it’s important to know where the line is. I share gossip. I do not share secrets God,though,doIeversharegossip”
Shesettledbackinthechair,cuppingherteainbothhands.“IsitsomethingtodowithHarper?”
“No!It’snothingtodowithher Ohmygod,stopbringingherup Iswear,it’snothingtodowithher”
Shesippedslowlyathertea,onelongsipwithhereyesfixedonmebeforeshesetitdown.“Um…thatwastheonlytime Iasked.”
Ilookedawaysharply.“Well,thenyou’vebeenwrongonehundredpercentofthetime.You’dbetternotdoitagain,or it’llbetwohundredpercent.”
“Thatisnothowpercentageswork So ”Sheleanedforwards,foldingherarmsonthetable “Didsomethinghappento her?Issheokay?”
“Ugh No She’sfine Unfortunately”
“Hmm.”Shechewedherlip.“Acrush?Areyouintoher?”
Ihunchedintomyself,shovingmyhandsintomypockets,lookingatmytea.“Ohmygod.It’snotthat.”
“Youaren’tlookingdirectlyatme,though”
Iforcedmyselftolookather.Somehow,though,mygazebroke,roamingtotheshelfofartsandcraftssuppliesbehind her “Iam,”Isaid
“Youareverymuchlying.”
Iforcedmyselftolookather again Ifeltlike throwingsomethingwhenIfoundmygaze roamedagain,settlingonthe doorouttothebackgarden.“I’mnotlying.”
“So…itisacrush.”
“Ugh”Icollapsedonthetable,shovingthefoodaway,andIrakedmyfingersthroughmyhair “Idon’t know Whatdoes acrushfeellike?”
“Mm ” She traced shapes on the table, casting her eyes to the sky “You think about themall the time? You catch yourselfdaydreamingaboutthem?Youwanttobeclosetothem,touchthem,kissthem?”
“Itisn’tthat ”
“Isitnot?”
ImumbledsomethingevenIdidn’tknowwhat.Myfaceprickled.
“Um I’mcurious,”shesaid “Haveyoueverreallydatedanybody?I’veneverheardaboutyoubeingwithanyone” “Idunno.”
“Youdon’t know? Ifyou’vedated?”
“Ugh.IguessIhaven’t.”Ipushedbackfromthetable,turningtothedoor,andIsankforwards,restingmyelbowsonmy knees.“Idon’tknow.Itjustdoesn’tfeelright.Leavemealone.I’mwaitingforthesnappingturtle.”
Shemovedherchairovernexttomine,sittingbymeandwatchingcloudsrollby.“Whatif,”shestarted,andIshookmy head.
“No Definitelynot”
Sheignoredme.“WhatifyoulikeHarperandsoyouhaven’tbeeninterestedinanyoneelse?”
Ilookedaway,hunchingtighterinonmyself “Itisn’tthateither”
“Thenwhatisit?”
Isighed,andIwas quietfor a longtime.Eventually,myvoice came outina mumble.“Like Isaid.Itjustdoesn’tfeel right.”
“Whynot?”
“Datingislike it’sforotherpeople”
“Whatkindofotherpeople?”
“Um dateypeople Idunno”
“Whoarepeopleyoucanseedating?”
Ikickedatthefloor.“Emberlynnandmylousysister,forone.YouandGwen.Annabel,forsure.Obviouslyhergirlfriend too Probablytherestofherteam,too SamandJenna,andCharlie,and ” “Isthisjusteveryonebutyou?”
“Oh”Ifrowned “Oh,wow Iguessitis”
Shereachedbackandpickeduphertea,cradlingitinbothhands,staringouttheglassdoorforawhilebeforeshesaid, “Okay,let’ssay Annabel Yousaid for sure abouther,soIassumeshe’sverydatey Whatmakesherdifferentfromyou?”
“Just…like…”Igestured.“Youknow.It’sobvious.Youknowthedifference.” “Redhair?”
“Ugh,you’reimpossible I’mgoingtohitmyheadonthewalluntilIdie”
“Ireallydon’tknowthedifference,”shesaid.Isighed,hard,apointedsighbeforeIrealizedIdidn’tknowwhatitwas pointedat Ilookedbackdown
“Um…”Ishiftedinmychair.“IfeellikeI’malittleweird.”
Shepaused “Is thatit?”
“LikeIsaid,donottellanybody.”
“Ithinkeverybodyknowsthatalready…”
“You’retheworst”Ihuggedmyself “Imean,like like ”Ifrowned “MaybeIdon’tknowwhatImean Butyouknow whatImean, right? I’mnotprettyand cool and stylishand talented and smartand all these other things. I’mjust… me. Just Paisley”
Sheglancedsidelongatme.“You’retoo…insecuretodatepeople?” “Whenyouputitlikethat,itmakesmesoundlikealoser.Ijust…I’mnotthedatingtype.Endofstory.Fin.Kaput.”
“I’mnotsureyouknowwhat kaput means.”Sheshookherhead.“That’snothingtobeashamedof,though.Weallhave insecurities.AndIknowtheycanreallygetinthewaywhenwe’redating.Like…trustmewhenIsayIknowthatverywell.
MyinsecuritiesalmostlostmeeverythingwithGwen.”
“Yeah, but, like… atleastyouhave somethingthatmakes youinteresting. Ugh. Forgetit. Ihate this conversation. I’m goingtogoclimbintoaholeandfillitbackupbehindme”
“DoesEmberlynnknowyoufeelthisway?She’syourbestfriend,right?”
IwasofhalfamindtojustwalkoutthedoorandkeepwalkinguntilIdrownedintheocean Kaywouldn’tstopcoming withthehits.Iduckedmyhead.“Imean,ostensibly,”Imumbled.
“Didsomethinghappen?”
“No.Yeah.Iguess.Just…youknow.She’sdatingmysister.”Ishrugged,pickingatmyfingernails.“AndIdon’thavea problemwiththat.Notanymore,atleast.Iwasalittlebrataboutitforawhile,butIdon’thaveaproblemanymore.Justthat she’s well Someoneelseismoreimportantinherlifenow”
She pursed her lips, a sad little pout. “She shouldn’thave to make youfeel less importantjustto be withsomeone. A relationshipdoesn’tmeansacrificingyourfriendships”
“Iknow.Andit’smyproblem.Iguessit’snotthatAriais more important,justthatshe’s…justasimportant,inadifferent way Sonowsomeoneelsehasequalbillingasme AndI’mnotmatureenoughtohandlethat”
Shesighedsadly.“I’msorrythingsaremakingyoufeelthatway.”
Ikickedatthefloor.“Itjustfeelshardertoopenuptoheraboutasmuch.Andwestillspendallourtimetogether,butit feelslikethere’ssomekindofwallformingthere,buildingupslowly,anditmakesmewanttoscreamuntilmylungspopout likeapartyblower.”
“Ew”
Isighed,standingup.Myfeetcarriedmeoutside,intothelittlelotbehindthehouse,andIsatdownonthestoop.Kaysat downnexttome,andIguessatthispointIkindofjustacceptedthatI’dhavetohavethisconversationwithher.
“ItsuckswhenIstepbackandrealizeIdon’thaveanyidentityoutsideofher,”Isaid.“IfeellikeIusedtobeallfunand happyandlivingmybestlifeasmearoundeverybodyintown.AndthenEmberlynnmovedintotownandIwas,like,literally obsessed, and I clungonto her, and it was evenbetter But now that she’s findingher ownlife outside of me, I’mkind of realizingthatI don’thavemyownlifeoutsideofher. I’mjustaweirdowholookslikeagoblinandbreedslizards.”
“Ithinkyoulookcute”
“Ugh.Don’tpatronizeme.IfIcouldturnintoKingKongrightnowandsmashyouintoapulp,Iwould.”
Shesmiledsweetlyatme.“Well,asfarasIknow,youcan’t,soI’mwillingtotakethatrisk.I do thinkyoulookcute.I likeyourhair,andyouhaveprettyeyes.”
“Ilooklikeasoullessmonsterrolledindoghairandlint.”
“Okay, now I think you’re exaggerating Still, if you don’t like the way you come across, how you look and act and everything…”Sheshrugged,restingbackagainstthedoorandlookinguptothesky.Darkcloudsformedonthehorizon,andthe winds whipping up said rain was coming Kay breathed in deep before she looked at me “I think it’s important to love ourselves. And sometimes thattakes the formofacceptingthings aboutourselves and learningto love themas theyare, and sometimesIthinkthattakestheformoffindingthecouragetochangethingsaboutourselves.”
“Ugh,you’retellingmetogetbetter Iwould,butthat’s,like work And,ugh,pass” “It’snotworkifit’sfun.”
Ichewedmycheek Ibelievedthat,butIstillwantedtobedifficult Partlybecausethiswholethingwaswaytoocloseto home and partlyjust because beingdifficult was, like, mything. “It’s workifit needs me to get out ofbed or move or do anythingatall”
“Mm-hm.”Shekickedherfeetup,lookingdownatherrainbowsocks.“Whatdoyouthinktheidealformofyouislike?” “Ugh.Coolerandmoreinteresting.”
“Moreinterestingthanthepersonwhorunsalizardbreedingcampinhersparebedroom?”Shelaughed Iscowled
“Who evenspilled the deets aboutthe Ultimate Lizard? Thatwas supposed to be a top-secretultra-confidential highsecuritycontainmentsituationonlyverifiedtop-clearancesecureintelcouldpickup”
“Emberlynntoldme.”
“Damn” Islumped backagainst the door “For real, though, Idon’t know And Ithinkit’d be too weird to trydoing anythingaboutit.”
“Howcome?”
“Because thisishowI am Like,everybodyknowsme Ijusthavemyreputation,youknow?Andpeoplegetweirdif yougobackonyourreputation.”
“Mm nokidding”Shedroppedhergazetotheground “Igetthat Totally”
“SoyouadmitallIcandoisbeaweirdloserfortherestofeternity.”
“That’sareallyremarkableleap.Idon’tthinkthat,actually,butI’mreallyimpressedbytheleap,soIhavetogivecredit whereit’sdue.”Shesmiledsoftlyatme.“IfeellikeyoushouldprobablytalktoEmberlynn,youknow?Like…shegetsyouin awaynobodyelsedoes.”
“Ugh,that’sthe problem. She’sallcaughtupinhowshe thinks Ishouldbe.She’sgotyearsofmealreadycataloguedin hermind,andplus,she’sapermanentfixturenow,too,whichmeansifImakeanyweirdrandomchangesthenit’sgoingtobe somethingstuckthereinourmemoryforever,andohmygod Kayyou’reagenius,”Iblurted,standingup,ahotrushinmyhead allofasudden.Shestoodupwithme,blinkingfast.
“I what?”
“Ohmygod,you’re so right.YouarejustlikeBenjaminFranklinbecauseyouare on the money. ”
“Th-thankyou?”
Iclappedmyhandstogether,spinningonmyheel,andIthrewopenthedoorbackintothehouse.“Okay,greattalk,Kay!I gottago.I’vegotstufftodo.Placestodo.Peopletodo.Ew.Nevermindthatlastpart.I’mgonnarun.”
“Paisley yourfood!”
Ipausednexttothetableandscrapedthelastthirdofmystrawberriesandcreamintomymouth,andIslammedthetea backbeforeItookoff
