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Thestory,allnames,characters,andincidentsportrayedinthisproductionarefictitious
Noidentificationwithactualpersons(livingordeceased),places,buildings,and productsisintendedorshouldbeinferred
BookCover:NerdSisters
Formatting:DesignsbyDel
Blurb Dedication
Playlist
1.ChapterOne
2.ChapterTwo
3.ChapterThree
4.ChapterFour
5.ChapterFive
6.ChapterSix
7 ChapterSeven
8.ChapterEight
9 ChapterNine
10.ChapterTen
11 ChapterEleven
12.ChapterTwelve
13 ChapterThirteen
14.ChapterFourteen
15 ChapterFifteen
16.ChapterSixteen
17 ChapterSeventeen
18.ChapterEighteen
19 ChapterNineteen
20.ChapterTwenty
21 ChapterTwenty-One
22.ChapterTwenty-Two
23 ChapterTwenty-Three
24.ChapterTwenty-Four
25 ChapterTwenty-Five
26.ChapterTwenty-Six
27 ChapterTwenty-Seven
28.ChapterTwenty-Eight
29.ChapterTwenty-Nine
30 ChapterThirty
31.ChapterThirty-One
32.ChapterThirty-Two
33.ChapterThirty-Three
34.Epilogue
35.Chapter34
36.ExcerptfromShatteredDreams
WhoisIvy?
ConnectwithIvy
AlsobyIvyPenn
Miranda
IthoughtHenryWalshwasn’tliketheotherrichupperclassmen Hehadaheart,waskindandmademyheartbeatfaster ThenVictoriahappened.Hewashers;Iwastrash,andshemademylifehell. Onecrazyeveningafterschoolchangedthecourseofourlives,andhecrushedme.Hechoseherovermeandshowedmehe wasjustlikeallofhisfriends.
Jerk.
Henry
Miranda Walker remindedme ofa doll.She was quietandkindandthe opposite ofmyunwantedgirlfriend,Victoria.My plansweretobreakupwithVictoria,gotoschool,andlivemylifeonmyterms.
Lifethrew meacurveball,makingmeadad Thenacaraccidentmademeawidoweddad Womenwerethefarthestthing frommyminduntilIsawthebeautifulredheadherdinggeeseoutofmybackyard. Mybeautifuldollwasallgrownup,andfatebroughtherbackintomylife
ThisbookhasaspecialdedicationtomyfriendMonica.
Thankyouforbeingoneofmyfirstnewfriendswhenwearrivedinthisfabulouslittleplace.Youmakemelaughandhave beenaconstantsupportformeonthisjourney.There’snowordstotrulytellyouwhatyoumeantome.AllIcansayisThank Youforbeingsoincrediblyyou
ThankyoutomyfabulousAlphaTeam:EliteHederaHelix.Yourencouragement,support,andfeedbackkeepsmegoing! Loveya!
Henry Eighth grade
The chatter fromthe cafeteria flooded outinto the hall where we were inline. We gotoutofclass late because Victoria couldn’twrapheronebraincellaroundtheteacherassigningusateamproject.
“Dude.WhatisitwithVictoria?”Ethankickedthecarpetcoveredbenchbetweenusandthewall. Wallyshrugged.“She’sapainintheass.”
“Mr Barron,language”OurEnglishteacherglaredatusfromtheoutsideoftheline “MissMinks.Youcan’ttellmeI’mwrong.”Wallyflashedherasmile,andshesighed,shakingherheadwithatinysmileon herlips
Ilookedaroundthehallwheretheyhaduslineup.Artdecoratedthewallsalongwithawards.
Excellence in education, my ass I couldn’t wait to be out of here
Myfriendsweretalkingaboutfootballaswenearedthecashier.Theladysittingtherelookedlikewekickedherdogevery day.Grayhair,shortinthegrandmastyle,prunedupwrinkledface,andshesoundedlikeshe’dsmokedsinceshewasakid. Ihandedherafiftyandwatchedherrollhereyes “Isitnecessarytobringinsuchalargebilleveryday?” Shruggingmyshoulders,Ismiled.“It’swhatmydadgaveme.”
“Pfft”shesnarledasshemadechange,handingittomeandthenacceptingmoneyfromDexter Wewalkedthroughtheline,takingatrayfilledwithquestionablefoodandenteringthemaincafeteria.
Pete lifted his tray, pointingto a small blond sittingalone inthe cafeteria. “What’s the deal withthe sixthgrader inour algebraclass?”
Wallylaughed.“Worriedshe’ssmarterthanyou?”
Ishrugged “Whocares?”
“Really,Pete?”Ethanshookhishead.“ShehangsaroundHenry’scousin.”
“Youknow youdon’t have to keep pointingout that Vivianis mycousin” I set mytraydownonthe table where we’ve alwayssat.
“Dude.”Petepickeduphisburger.“Rumorisshe’ssmarterthanallofusputtogether.”
Dexterthrewafryathim “And?”
I’dseenheraround,andsheneverspoke.EvenwhenI’dcomeacrossheronthetrails,shesatalonewithabook. SheremindedmeofanolddollIsawatanantiquestorecalledHollyHobbie Herdarkblondhairalmostlookedbrownin thedimlightingofthelunchroom.
IwatchedasViviwalkedovertohertableandsatdown HollyHobbielookedup,thenlookedbackatherlunch Myfriends’voicesthunderedinthelargeroom,mixedwithlaughterandgroans.Wewerethecoolguys.Thegrouptheloser kidswantedtobelikeorbeapartof.
“Henry,I’llgiveyoutenbuckstotellhera your mama joke”Dextersmiled Wallyblewmilkoutofhisnose,laughing,andIshookmyheadasIshrugged.“Yeah.Whynot?” Ididn’tneedthemoney Havingmoremoneythangodwasall mymother ever braggedabout However,thiswouldbe my money.Notfrommyparents.
Wecleanedupandtookourtraystothebrickwallwherethereturnstationwas.
Port Stella Pirates. Argh.
Were all schools the same? Brick walls lined with metal lockers? While playingfootball, we rarelywent through other schools Buteverylockerroommimickedtheother Theyallstank,too “Let’sgo,Henry!”Dexterholleredatmeastheyheadedtowardsthedoorstogooutsideforfreshair.
AsIwalkedpastthetablewithVivianandHollyHobbie,shelookedupandoureyeslocked Ifeltasmallsmileonmyface
Hereyeslookedliketheskywhenastormrolledin. “Whatareyoulookingat?”Shesneered.
Blowingoutahardbreath,Iwalkedpastheranddumpedthecontentsofmytrayintothetrash,thentossedthetrayontopof theothersandwalkedout.
What a brat!Maybe that was why she was always alone Ijoinedmyfriendsoutsideandtossedaroundafootballuntilthebellrang.Headingbackinside,wewalkedtoourlockers, grabbedourbackpacks,andheadedtoAlgebra
TheblondenteredtheroombeforeusandIstoppedinfrontofherdesk,flashinghermybestsmile.
“Hey,yourmama’ssouglywhenshewenttoahauntedhouse,shecameoutwithajobapplication.”
Myfriendshowledwithlaughterasshelookedupandspokeinaflatvoice “Mymom’sdead”
Herwordsleftmedumbfoundedasanawkwardsilenceblanketedtheclassroom.
“Mr Walsh,Isuggestyougetinyourseatbeforethebellrings”Mrs Gold’svoicefilledthevoid “Yes,ma’am.”Iwalkedovertomydeskandfloppedintothechairasthebellrang.
Mrs Gold launched into attendance and thenwalked to the board, puttingup a problemfor us to review and solve My pencilmovedonthepaperbutIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutblondie.
TappingVictoria’sshoulder,Ileanedovermydesktowhisper.“Whatdoyouknowabouther?”
Sheturnedherhead,confusionalloverherface “Who?” Ithumbedtotheblond.
Victoria’seyesrolled “Shesmellslikeabarnanimal”Shewhisperedback “Why?” “Mr.WalshandMissParks,caretosharewiththeclass?”Mrs.Gold’seyeswerehard.“Orperhapsyou’dliketoteach?” “No,ma’am.”Isatback.
“ThankstoMr.Walshandhisrudeness,youwillhavehomeworktoday.”
Theclasslobbedpencilsandpaperballsatme,groaning,beforeweallfocusedonthelessonagain. Well,maybe they did Mythoughtswereelsewhere Did she have a stepmom? I didn’t think she smelled like a barn animal when I walked past her. Maybe she lived with her grandparents?
TheonlygrandparentsIhadweremydad’sparents,andtheybothpassedawaywhenIwasinkindergarten.Inever gotto knowthem,butIrememberedhearingmygrandpatellingmydadtheystayedawaybecauseofmymom. Mymomwasahugebitch.Shewasgreedy,selfish,andmanipulative. I hated it. I hated her. WallyandDexter’smomswerecompletelyopposite,andwhenIneededamom,that’swhoIturnedto “You can go on your merry way, Margie. I’m not stopping you. ” “Fine Agree to pay alimony and child support and I’ll leave ” Dad barked out a laugh. “The boy stays with me, and I’m not giving you a dime.” “Aboy should be with his mother” She hissed “You only want the money I’d pay in child support ” “Well, as his mother, I’d need to clothe and feed him.” “Uh-huh ” My dad shook his head “You’re no better than your sister All you see are dollar signs ” Mom’s hand flew out and slapped Dad. “Don’t you dare compare me to Judy.” “Truth hurts, sweetheart ” He laughed “You can leave The boy stays with me ” “Fine. We can do shared custody.”
“He is not a pawn to be brokered over ” Dad’s glass slammed on the desk “He stays with me Period ” “No court is going to take a child from their mother”
My dad changed the pitch of his voice, mocking her. “I’m tired of this life, Thomas. I want the life we had before that brat came along Where I could go out and enjoy my time with my friends ” “You, asshole.”
Dad laughed “That’s right I’m the dick in this marriage ”
“What is so wrong about wanting time for myself?”
“Nothing if you ’ re single with zero responsibilities.”
“You said you wanted a child I gave you one ” “Is he even mine?”
Aresounding echo told me she slapped him again “How dare you?”
“How dare I, Margaret? You slept with my business partner.”
“And now you own the whole firm I did you a favor”
“And you want to divorce me and give you half of everything I worked for and built? No. I’ll see you in hell first.” “Well, goodie for me. Being married to you and having that brat, I’m already there.”
My mother stormed out past me into the hall, leaving me standing there in shock. Thebellrang,andIrealizedIspenttheentireclasslostinmythoughts.
Petepunchedmyshoulderonhiswaypastme “Thanks,dick” “Mypleasure.”Igrowled.“Hey,Dex!Gimmemymoney.”
Miranda
Sometimesbeingsmartsucked Likebeingadvancedinmathandendingupinaclassofeighthgraders
Henry,Ethan,Dexter,andWallywerethebiggestjerksinschool.Andwiththemcametheirentourage,thebitchbrigade.And VictoriaBryantwasthebiggestbitchofall.
Herandherfriendslovedtotormentmeandmyfriends
ThelastbellrangandIcouldn’twaittogettomylockerandoutofthisbuilding.MyfriendTarafellinstepbesideme. “Youlookpissed”Shebumpedintomeplayfully “Stupidrichboytryingtobefunny.” “Um”Shecringed “That richboy?”
IlookeduptoseeHenryWalshstandingagainstmylocker,withasmirkonhisface. “Godhatesme.”MyeyesrolledbackasIwalkedcloser.“Move.”
“Aww,where’syourmanners,HollyHobbie?”Hemockedandleanedclosertome “Howaboutaplease?” Iwantedtopunchhiminhissmugface,butIdidn’twanttogetsuspended.Countingtoteninmyhead,Itappedmytoeson thefloorimpatiently
Hetappedhisear.“I’mnothearinganything.”
“Getbent”Ishovedhimawayfrommylocker,notexpectinghimtograbmyarms “Damn,girl.”Hepulledmeclose.“Ijustwantedtoapologize.” Istruggledagainsthim,andhespunusaroundpressingmeagainstthelockers. “You’reofftoarip-snortin’start”Ibracedmyhandsagainsthischest “Getoffme” Hishotbreathwarmedmyear.“I’mreallytryingtoapologize.”
Hootsandhollersfromhisfriendsandotherstudentsaddedfueltomyalreadyburningfire Thetighterheheldme,themore Istruggled.
“Ididn’tknowaboutyourmom.”Heheldmetight,keepinghiswordslow. “Get.Off.Me.”Igrowled.
“Yousmelllikespicycottoncandy.”Ifelthimnuzzlemyneck.“I’veneversmelledanythinglikeitbefore.” Thatcommentcaughtmeoffguard,andIstoppedfighting “What?”
“Yousmellsweet.”Hisnosebrushedagainstmyskin.“Andspicy.”
“Uh Thanks?”ConfusionfloodedthroughmeandIfeltmystomachfillwithbutterflies Hisdarkeyesflashedwithguilt.“I’mHenry.”
“Yeah.Iknowwhoyouare.”Irolledmyeyes.“WhatIdon’tknowiswhyyouknowwhoHollyHobbieis.” Heshookhisheadasheliftedashouldertoshrug.“Look,Iam sorry.Myjokewasinpoortaste.”
“CanIgetintomylockernow?Ihaveabustocatch.”Ididn’tlikethewayIwasfeeling.Heseemedgenuinelysorry. “Miranda!Let’sgo!”Tarayelledout,runningbackover “Wecan’tmissthebus” Henryranahandthroughhisdarkhairandsteppedback,lettingmeopenmylocker.IgrabbedthebookIneeded,closedit, andwalkedaway,turningbacktolookathimashedisappeared
Just as well. I don’t have time for stupid boys. TaraandIwalkedtoourbus,steppedinsidethecrampedspace,andtookourseatsfourrowsback. “He’skindacute”Tarasmiledatme “Tall Darkwavyhair Prettycinnamoneyes” “You’redelusional.”Ihuffed.“He’llalsobeoutofthisschoolnextyear.”Ipressedmyheadagainstthehardseat. “Wannahangoutafterschool?”Sherestedherheadonmyshoulder “Nottoday.I’vegottoomuchhomework.”Ifrowned.“Maybetomorrow?” “Soundsgood”Shesmiled “MaybeHenrylikesyou?” Ibarkedoutalaugh.“Yeah,andmaybepigswillfly!” Astheschoolbusmovedalong,IlookedoutthewindowandtriedtopushthoughtsofHenryWalshfrommymind. He was cute,butunfortunately,boyslikehimarenothingbuttrouble Atleastthat’swhatmygrandpasaid Our bus driver,Paula,pulledupatmystop,andIstoodupandwalkedtowards the door.“See ya tomorrow.” Iwavedat Taraandbounceddownthestairs Stanleygreetedmeatthegate.“Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!”
IlaughedasIwalkeddownthedrivewaytowardthescreaminggoat.“Ihearyou,Stanley.” “Maaaaaaaaaaah.”
“Youtoo,Sophie”
We ended up withthe goats because some guythat works withGrandpa said he was planningto shoot themfor yelling. Grandpadecidedhecouldn’tletthathappen,sohebroughtthemhome Sophieproducesmilk,andGranlearnedtomakegoatcheeseandtaughtmehowaswell.
Ilovethesmellybeasts!They’regentleandfun
Lettingmyselfinthroughthe gate, Ijogged, lettingthe goats chase me up to the house. The momentIopened the door, all threedogsboundedout,runningintotheyard.
Larry,Moe,andCurlyweremuttsthroughandthrough
Whiletheydidtheirthing.Iwentinsidetodropoffmybackpackandputmyhairup.Mylipliftedinasnarl asIstaredat myselfinthemirror
GransaidIlookedlikeacarboncopyofmymom.Which,ononehand,waswild,andtheotherwasweird. I wonder if she resents me sometimes because I look like her dead daughter
Heavingasigh,IwenttothekitchenandgrabbedanappletosnackonwhileIcutupafew moreapplestosharewithmy four-leggedfriends.
ThemomentIwalkedoutside,theylinedupfortheirtastytreats Thedogsdidacoupleoftrickstogettheirsandthegoats snatchedsomefrommeandran.
Igotthegoatsintoourbluebarnandgavethemeachacouplemoreappleslices OnceIknewtheyhadsettled,Iclosedthe heavydoorandwenttoroundupthedogs.
TheyknewthedrillasIcutoutasharpwhistleandfollowedmeinside.SomeofthesmallkittenstriedtoattackmyfeetasI walkedandIpickedthemup,snugglingthreeinmyarms.Oncewegottothebackdoor,Ilettheboysin,setthebabiesdown, andwentinsidetomaketheirdinner.
Onescoopofpowderedmilksprinkledovertheirkibbles ThenIturnedonthehotwater,waitingforittogetwarm Icould heartheclowderofcatsmewingfortheirfood,makingmemovefaster.
Grabbingmyphone,Ituckeditinmybackpocketandwentoutside,settingthejumbo-sizedbowldownforeveryone Ididaquickscantomakesurethedogshadfoodandwater,thenhoppedonmybikeandheadedtowardsthetrails.
Miranda
Thebreezeonmyfacefeltexhilarating,andIstooduppumpingmypedalshardertowardsthesmall,woodedareathathid thetrailsIlovedexploringon.
Isteeredthefrontwheel,takingaleftandfeelingthechangefrompavementtodirt.Thetrailremindedmeofasidewinder snakewithallthecurvesandIknewafterthefifthcurve,I’ddropintoavalleythatwouldslingshotmeuptheotherside.
Leaves and branches provided protection fromthe sun and created a magical canopy. Out here I felt free. No one else mattered
SometimesIlikedtopretendthegroundandIhadaconnection.Weunderstoodeachother.Ineededtofeelimportant.And thegroundneededmetohelpitfeelneeded I could ride these trails with my eyes closed!
ThefreedomIfeltexhilaratedme.Ipeddledharder,goingupasmallhill,andthensquealedasIrodedowntheotherside. Everytwist, turnand hill tookme closer to the treehouse someone builtnear the creek. Inside thattreehouse, nothingelse mattered.
Icrestedoverahillandfeltmystomachdrop ItremindedmeofHenryinvadingmyspace Withashakeofmyhead,Icasthimfrommythoughts.
HenryWalshwaspartofthe“in”crowdandthere’snoreasontogivehimasecondthought ThepathtwistedtowardsthewaterandIslowedmybiketonotflydownthelastdip.ThelastthingIwantedtodowasland inthecreekheadfirst.
Like two years ago Ipulleduptothehugetree,parkedmybikeatthebase,andclimbedtheladder upinsidethehouse.Themomentmyhead enteredthespace,Isawhim
HenryWalshsatagainstthewall,lookingatme. Icouldn’tstopthesnarlonmyfaceasIretracedmystepstoleave “Wait!”Hepokedhisheadoutoftheopening.“Miranda!” “What!”Isnappedandglaredupathim.
“Icameheretotalktoyou”
“Whendidwebecomefriends?”Ijumpeddowntotheground.“BecauseIdidn’tgetthatmemo.” “C’mon”Helookeddownatmeandflashedasmilethatshowedoffaperfectdimpleinhisrightcheek “I’mnotabadguy” “Thatremains to be seen.” Iblew mybangs offofmyforehead and climbed backup into the treehouse. “Don’tmake me regretthis”
WhenIreachedthetopandclimbedinside,hewassittingbackagainstthewallagain. “Whathappenedtoyour parents?”His softvoicepunchedmeinthegut,especiallysincehewas thesecondpersontoask me
“That’s whatyouwanttotalkabout?”
“Look SometimesIwishmineweredead”Heshookhishead “Andwhenyousaidyourmomwasdead Idon’tknow It mademefeelweird.”
“Theywerehitbyadrunkdriver.”Ilookedatmylapandplayedwiththehemofmyshirt. “Didyougetalongwiththem?”Hepulledhislegsup,foldingthemunderneathhisbutt.“Wereyouwiththem?” Ishookmyhead and glanced up throughmyhair. “Itwas Christmas eve. Theywentto midnightmass, and Istayed atmy grandparent’s”
“Oh,damn.”Heranhishandthroughhishair.“Theywenttochurchandthen…”
“Yeah”Ilookedup,nodding “Makesyawonderifthereevenisagod”
“Ireallyamsorry.”HemovedclosertomeasIswipedatmyfacetocleartheerranttears.“Maybewishingmyparentswere deadisabitextreme.”
“Youcouldturnyourselfinatthefirestation”Ishruggedandjumpedwhenhebarkedoutalaugh “What?” “Ijustwasn’texpectingsomethingfunny.”Hemovedcloseenoughtobrushatearawayfrommycheek.“Mydaddrinks.” Sniffling,Ilookedintohisdarkeyesandsawsadnessinthem “Adultsthinkthey’resmartandknowwhatthey’redoing” “Buttheydon’t.”Hisvoicewasbarelyawhisper.“Imissmydad.”Henodded.“Imeanbeforethedrinking.”
“Whataboutyourmom?”Ireachedoutandbrushedatearfromhischeek “She’saclassAbitch.”Hefrowned.“Shemakesmydadmiserable.” “Whyareyoutellingmethis?”
Heshrugged “Idon’tknow MaybeIfeltIowedyousomethingsinceIhurtyourfeelings” “Iguesswe’reeventhen.”Isatbackandsmiledathim. Hethumbedtotheopeningbehindme “Ishouldprobablygo” “Wait.”Iputmyhandonhisshoulder,stunnedwhenIfeltanelectricshockonmyfingertips.“Howdidyouknowtofindme here?”
“Don’tsweatit,HollyHobbie.”Hemovedaroundmeanddroppeddowntotheground.“Later.” IscrambledtothesmallwindowandtheweirdestthoughthitmeasIwatchedhimwalkaway. You could’ve stayed
Isatbackandslammedmyheadagainstthewallasthetearspouredfrommyeyes.“It’snotfair!”Islammedmyheadback again “It’snotfairwhenIneedyou!”
Pullingmylegsup,Isobbedagainstmyknees.AllIwantedwasmymomback.Imissedmydadtoo,butmymomkeptmy secretsandgavemeadvice.
Ididn’twantsomestupidjoke,oneofthecutepopularjerks,saidtometohurt.AndIdidn’twanttowishhewasstillhere, soIdidn’tfeelsoaloneintheworld.
Henry
Lookingover myshoulder, Isaw her watchingme before she turned away ThenIheard a loud knockbefore Iheard her sobbing.
IhadnoideawhatIcoulddotohelp,butIturnedbackandclimbedupintothetreehouse.Mirandawasballedup,herbody shakingasshecried.
I’m an asshole.
Shewouldgiveanythingtohaveherparentsback,andIwouldgiveanythingtohavemyparentsgone
Okay. Not both parents. Just my mom.
Isatbesideherandpattedherbackawkwardly Sheleanedintome,andImovedmyarmaroundher,holdingher Herarmswrappedaroundme,andIpulledherintomylap.
I’dneverseensomeonecrylikethis.NotthatIhaven’tbeenaroundpeoplecryingbefore,buttheseweren’tlittletears.Her tearswerebigandpouringfromhereyes.
Movingmymouthtoherear,Iwhispered,hopingshewouldhearme.“I’msorry,Miranda.”
“Everyoneissorry”Sheshudderedasshetriedtobreathe “Isnottedonyou” Ishruggedmyshoulders.“Itwashes.”Ibrushedher hair fromher mottledface,coveredintearsandsnot.Shestill looked cutetome,andherfrecklesstoodoutmore “HollyHobbie”
Asmallsmilegracedherface.“Seriously?Howdoyouknowwhosheis?” “Isawadollatanantiquestore.”
Herlipscurvedupwards,smilingmore “Mymomhadanoldsewingmachinewithheronit”Shesniffledasmoretearsfell downhercheeks.
Iusedmyknuckletowipesomeaway,andshelookedupwithherbig,blueeyes Leaningin,shemetmehalfwayasourlips brushedagainsteachotherandmyphonerang,makingusjumpapart.
ShelookedawayasIpulleditfrommypockettoanswerit “Hello?” “Henry.”Mymother’svoicechilledmyear.“You,youngman,aresupposedtobeathome.” “I’llbethereinafew.”
“Now,Henry”Sheendedthecall
Itdoesn’tmatterwhatI’mdoing.Itdoesn’tmattertoherwhereIam.AllthatmatterstoheristhatIamaperfectpersonwhen shehasguestsordecidesshewantstoshowmeoff
She makes me feel like a prized show pony.
“I,uh,gottagetgoing.”Imovedmyeyesaroundtheroom,lookinganywherebutather.“Yougonnabeokay?” “Yeah.”Herheadbobbed,andsheavoidedlookingatme.“I’mgonnaheadbackhome.” “Um,okay”Idescendedthroughtheopening “Later” She kissed me back.
Ijumped downandrantowards where Ileftmybike hidden,leaningagainsta tree Hoppingon, Ipeddled towards home wonderingwhatmomhadherpantiesinabunchaboutnow.
UsuallynoonenoticedifIwasn’thome AslongasIshowedupatthedinnertable Maybe I should’ve invited her to come with? Is that what you do for someone who’s sad? I’ve never seen anyone cry like that Mywheelsflew over thegroundandthemomentIfeltthepathbeneathmybikechanged,Ifeltthefrowncreepacrossmy face.
All I wanted was for my dad to stop drinking and my parents to stop fighting
ButIknewthatwasn’tgoingtohappen.Ifollowedthestreetaroundthecurve,passingbyEthan’splace,whichwasacouple ofhousesawayfromme
Makingittomydriveway,Iturnedandpeddledtowardsthegarage,parkingmybikeagainstthewallbeforeheadinginside. Runninginthroughthebackdoor,Islammeditbehindmeintimetohearmyparentsfighting. Again
“Haveanotherdrink,Thomas.”Mymothergrowled.“That’llhelpthings.” Iscreechedtoahaltandwaitedformydad’sresponse “Ofcourseitdoes.”Heyelledbackather.“Itmakeslivinginhellwithyoueasier.” “I.Told.You. Give methealimonyIwantandhalfofeverything.”Shemotionedwithherhandallaround.“AndIwillmore thanhappilyleave.”
Mydadthrewhisheadback,barkingoutalaugh.“AndI’mtellingyou,again,thatyou’renotgettingshitfromme.”Hisglass flewacrossthekitchenintothewall,shatteringintotinypieces “Dad?”
“Notnow,Henry”Mymomsnappedandpushedmeback Islappedherarmawayfrommeandwentclosertomydad.“Dad?”
“Yourmotherisbeingunreasonable.”Daddroppeddowninachair.“Iamsorrythatyouhavetohearthis.” “Oh,Thomas,puh-leasedon’tpullthepitycard.”Mymom’sheelsclickedonthemarblefloor. “Dad.”Idroppedmyvoicelow.“Youneedtostopdrinking.”
“Don’ttellmewhattodo!”Hisvoicethunderedashepoundedhisfistonthetable “Youareachild!”
Runningfromthe room, Iranthroughthe house up to myroom, slammed mydoor, lockingitand thenturned myradio on loud
Floppingdownonmybed,IletthemusicthrumthroughmybodyandletthetearsIheldbackgountilIfellasleep.
Henry
Thenextdayatschool,IsawMirandawalkingwithTara,theirheadsclosetogether “What’reyoustaringat?”Ethanmovedintomylineofvisionbeforeleaningagainsttheclosedlockerbesidemine. “Lookslikehewaswatchingthesmartgirl.”Richardchimedin.
Wallysnorted.“Youmeanhis Holly Hobbie?”heteased. “So?”IshruggedandreachedinsidemylockerformyEnglishbook.
“And the party just grew” Richard nodded to the girls, where Vivian joined Tara and Miranda “Viv says she’ll rip someone’sballsoff,butIbetMirandaisthetypewhowouldcomeatyouwithoutwarning.”
Wallylookedbetweenthetwogirlsandthenbackatus “Youthinkso?”
“Dude.ShealmostknockedMaxoutwithadodgeball.”Richardhuffedinlaughter.“I’mtellingyou.She’sthekindtosneak intoyourhouseinthemiddleofthenightandchoppartsoff.”
Iclosedmylockeraswewalkeddowntoourhomerooms.“Idon’tthinkshewoulddothat.” “Suddenlyyouknowher?”Ethanraisedaneyebrowatmeasweroundedthecorner. “Well,no”Ishookmyhead “I’mjustsayingmaybeshe’snotlikeafullonbitch” “Hi,Henry.”Victoriaappearedinfrontofme.“There’sadanceFriday.” “And?”Igaveheraheadshakeandashrug, “Willyougowithme?”
“Whatdoyouwantmetodo?Pickyouuponmybike?”Theguyssnickered. “Iwasthinkingthatwecouldusethelimo”Shebattedhereyes,thinkingitwouldswayme “Tellyouwhat.”Ethanturnedhertowalkwithus.“I’llusemylimoandwecanallgotogether.” “Thatsoundfun”Shesmiledandrantotellherfriends “Dude.She’sannoying.”Wallygroaned. “Doingitthiswayleavesloverboyhereopenforhissweetheart”Ethanthumbedpointingtome “Later,losers” Weallsplitoffintoourrespectiveclassrooms,withRichard,WallyandIgoingintoMissMinksroom. “Youguyswannameetonthetrailsafterschool?Wecouldhangoutbythetireswingandrope.”Heslidintohisseat.“Dad’s beenonabender,andIneedabreak” “Soundsgood.”Inoddedandtooktheseatbehindhim. Maybe Miranda will be there?
IdoodledinmynotebookonlyhalflisteningtowhatMissMinkswassaying.Thoughtsofafterschoolkeptmegoingthrough theday
Andbetweeneachclass,IsearchedforMiranda.Thiswasn’tsomethingnew.AllyearI’dbeenwatchingforher. “Areyoustalkingme?”Hersoftvoicecamefrombehindme,makingmejump. “Shit!”
Mirandagiggledandwalkedpastme.“Don’tbeacreeper.” Shakingmyhead,Ijoggedafterher “Hey!Yougonnabeonthetrailsafterschool?” Sheshruggedandkeptwalking.“Maybe.”
“Hi,Henry.”Victoriapushedbetweenusandlinkedherarmwithmine.“Areyouexcitedforafterschool?” “Uh,sure.”IwatchedasMirandajoggedaheadofusanddartedintoherclassroom. “Ugh.”Victoriamadeafunnyface.“Whywouldyouletthatbitchwalknexttoyou?” Istoppedandpulledmyarmaway “Don’tcallherthat” Shestompedherfoot.“Don’tbestupid,Henry.”
Rollingmyeyes,Islippedintomyfinal
footballteamandIbumpedagainsthisasIsatbesidehim. “Whydoyoulooklikeyouhaveastomachache?” “Victoria’sbeenupmyass”Isnarled “Dude.Ibetshe’salreadygotyourweddingplanned.”Hethrewhisheadback,laughing. “No”Ishookmyhead “Notjustno Hell No” Mr.Crismanclappedhishandsasheclosedthedoor.“Let’sgetreadytoscience!” IgotmynotebookoutandactedlikeIwastakingnotes Glancingbesideme,IsawDexterballsdeepmessingaroundonhis phone.
Good He won’t notice I’m writing a note to Miranda Well,notdoingasmuchasthinkingaboutherandscribblinghernamewhileMr Crismandronedonabouttheperiodictable Whenthe bell rang, mostofthe class ranout, eventhoughMr. Crismanwas still speaking. Islowlyclosed mynotebook, puttingitinmybackpackandthenlefttheclassroom Icouldn’twaittogethome,dropthisshitoffandheadtotrails. Ethancaughtuptomeaswewalkeddownthestairsandtowardsthefrontdoorstocatchourbus “Thegirlsarejoiningus.”
“Ugh.Why?”Irolledmyeyes.“They’regonnawanttoplaytruthordare.” “Yeah”Helaughed “They’reeasy” “Pervert.”Isnortedasweclimbedupthestepsontothebus.
“Yeah,sodropyourshitoffathomeandmeetuswheretheropeswingis”Ethanbrushedhisshouldersoff ThebuswasfilledwithnoiseandnoneofitprovidedadistractiontostopmefromwonderingifMirandawouldshowup. Maybe I am a creeper?
Whenthebusstoppedatmyhouse,Iwalkeduptheaisleanddownthestairs,runningupthedriveway. No one home.
Iheavedasighofreliefandranintothegarage,droppingoffmybackpackandhoppingonmybike
ThefreedomIfeltridingmybikewasepic.Nofightingparents.Nobitchymom.Andnodrunkdad.
Iswiped a tear offmyface and shookmyhead to pushthe memories outofmymind Imissed mydad He was mybest friend. Was. Untiltheboozetookover.
I sped down the road, pedaling harder as I approached the park. Once there, I could enter the woods and find the trail leadingtotheenormousoaktree.
Usuallyweavoidedthisareaandhungoutatthetreehouse,buttodaymyfriendshadotherplans.Ireallywantedtogobythe treehousetoseeifMirandawasthere,butIdidn’twantthemknowingIlikedher
Theguyswouldn’tcare,itwasthegirlswhowould.AndknowingVictorialikedme,Iknewshe’dmakeMiranda’slifehell. Like I’m a piece of property for her to stake her claim on Dustkickedupasmywheelsmovedfromtheparkinglotofgraveltothedirt.AsInearedthemeetingplace,IsawEthanand Dextercominginfromtheotherside.
Offtotheleft,Isawthegirlswalkingtowardsthetree Whentheynoticedus,theyrantogetonthetireswingandwait “Weshouldplaytruthordare!”Gracebounced.
Rollingmyeyes,IturnedtoEthan “Toldyou”
Theproblemwithplayingthatwaseventually,italwaysendedupbecomingamake-outfest. “Well?”Victoriacameovertome “Yougonnagetoffyourbikeandplaywithme?” “Don’tyoumeanus?”LoriglaredatVictoria.“You’renotdatinghim.He’sfreegame.” Victoriawhippedherheadaroundtoglareatherfriend.“Imisspoke.We’llallplaytogether.” Iswungmylegaround as Idismounted and parked mybike byone ofthe smaller trees, and thenIclimbed onto the tire swing.Aftertheguysdismounted,Dextersatoppositeofmeandweswungaround. “I’llstart”Victoriaclappedherhands “Hey,Gracie,Idareyoutoswingoutoverthelakeandnotfall” Gracelookeddownatherwhiteshirtandliftedherlipinascowl.“It’sanewshirt.” “That’sthebestyougot?”Dexterasked,laughing “Swingout”Hemimicked Gracepouted.“Youcouldtakethedareforme.”
Damn, she’s playing him!
Dextervacatedthetireswingandwatchedhimmovearoundthetreeandtakearunningstart Hegrabbedontotheropeand swungout.Justashedid,Graceflashedhim,causinghimtofallintothewaterandeveryonetoburstintolaughter.
“Whatashithead”Ethanlaughedharder,bendingoverwithhishandsonhisknees Icouldn’thelplaughingatmyfriend.Heshould’veknownthegirlshadsomethinguptheirsleeves. “Whooooo!”Ahigh-pitchedvoicebrokeintoourlaughterasTaracameflyingoverthehill,skiddingtoastopinfrontofus. “Shit.Whatareyoujerksdoinghere?”
“Hangingout,sped.”Dextercameoutofthewaterandshookoff.“What’sitlooklike?”
Herlipliftedinasnarlasshegrowled.“Great.”
Fromtheotherdirection,HollyHobbiecameoverthehillandskiddedtoastopbesideTara.“Shit.”
Isaw Victoria smile slylyatGrace andthenlookbacktothe partycrashers “Whydon’tyougirls joinus? We’re playing truthordare.”
“Uh,becausethere’sbetterthingstodo”HollyHobbiemotionedherheadtotheside “Let’sgoover ” “Wait.”Iheardmyvoicecallout.“Whynotjoinus?”
“BecauseI’mnotatoyforyourgirlfriendtoplaywith,richboy”Sheturnedherheadawayfrommeandangerfilledme “She’s not my girlfriend, Holly Hobbie, and I think you’re chicken.” I hopped off the tire swing and watched her eyes narrow.
“Who’sHollyHobbie?”Victoriasneeredandwalkedovertome “Andwhydoyouwantherandspedtojoinus?” “She’sanoldcharacter.”Shepushedherbikeovertoasmalltreeandproppeditup.“Youcoolwiththis,Tara?”
“Eh,gotnothingelsetodo”Shedidthesamewithherbike,andthenthegirlswalkedoverandsatinthetireswing Gracesatonthegroundwithherlegsstretchedoutinfrontofher,andleanedbackonherarms.“Sowhoseturnisit?”
“Dexter You’reup”Ileanedagainstthetreeandwatchedthebreezeblowthesmallhairsthatfelloutofherbun Heslappedhishandstogetherandwarmedthemup.“Lori.Truthordare?” “Dare.”Shebattedhereyes. “Idareyoutolickatree” “Seriously,Dex?”Herfacescrunchedupindisgust.
“Ididn’tsaythebasewhereananimalmighthavepissed”Hemadeasillyfaceather Herheadwhippedaround,lookingatallthetrees.“Ugh.Fine.” WewatchedasLoristompedovertoasmalltreewithfairlysmoothbarkandshestuckhertongueout,runningitupasmall length.“There.”
“Thatlookedhot.”Dexterwaggledhiseyebrowsatherandsheflippedhimoff. Hereyestookeveryonein,andshestoppedwhenshegottothetireswing “Tara” “Truth.”
“Haveyouevershoplifted?”LoridroppeddownbesideGrace “Nope.”Taraliftedhershouldersinashrug.“Wally,truthordare?” “Dare.”
One eyebrow raised as her lips twisted. “Idare youto ditchyour shirtand do a Tarzancall before swingingoutover the lake.”
Wallychokedonhislaughter “Done”
Hepulledhisshirtoff,beathischestandwailedbeforegrabbingtheropeandperformingtheswingDexterfailedat. ThegirlsinthetireswinglaughedandWallylandedbackonsolidground,takingabow “Ethan.”Henoddedatourfriend. “Truth.”
“What’stheweirdestthingyou’veeaten?” “Bullballs.”Hegaveashudder. “Ew”Ilaughed “You’resick,man” “Yeah.Thatwasonadaretoo.”Helookedoveratme.“Henry.” “Dare”
Ethanwinkedatme,andIknewIwasscrewed.“FlashyourjunkatVicki.” And here we go, asshole
“Pass”
“It’snotlikeI’veneverseenit.”Victoriasmiledatme. “Pass”Igroaned “Pussy.”Ethanlaughed.“Fine.KissyourHollyHobbie.”
I hope she’s not expecting a peck
Herstormyeyesrolledandnarrowed.“I’mnotadolltobeplayedwith.” “Yeah.”Taranodded.“Andifshewasadoll,she’dbemorelikeChucky.” “Fine”Ethanshrugged “You’renotadoll Henry Pleasegivethegirlakiss” “Whyme?”Shecringed.
“Yeah”Victoriascoffed “Whyher?” “Freshlips.”Ethanliftedashoulderinacarelessshrug. “Screwthis.”Mirandagotupfromtheswing,gloweredatVictoria,andsmiledatme.“Gimmeyourface.” “Day-um.”Wallychuckled.
Shesteppeduptome,grabbedmyshirt,andpulledmetoher.Myarmswrappedaroundherasourlipssmashedtogether.
Her lips feel so good.
KissingMirandawasnothinglikekissingtheothergirls.Herlipsweren’tcoveredwithlipglossorlipstick,sotheyweren’t stickyliketheirs
Thetipsofourtonguestouched,andIfeltanelectricshockdowntomytoes.
“Dude”Victoriashovedherarmbetweenus “Hesaidakiss Notsuckface” Mirandapulledbackandshookherhead.“You’reajerk.”
“Andyouthinkyou’rebigshit”Victoriawenttoetotoewithher “Allyouareisanuglygingerunderclassmanthatwishes shecouldbelikeus.”
“Andyou’revapidbitch.”Mirandashovedherback.
Miranda
Taragrabbedmyarm “C’mon Let’sgetoutofhere” IliftedmyhandwithmymiddlefingerupandshoveditintoVictoria’ssmug,overlymade-upface.“Eatadick.” Wewalkedovertoourbikes,hoppedonandpeddledaway,headedtowardsmyfarm. You idiot. Letting her get you riled up.
“Thosejerkstaintedmyfavoriteplace!”IyelledovermyshouldertoTara. “Tellmeaboutit”Sheyelledback “Hey!Watchout!”
Herwarningcametoolate,andIcrashedintoJeremyParks.Ourbikeshookedtogether,ourheadsslammedintoeachother, andwefelloverinapileofmetalandlimbs “Shit!”
“Ouch!”
“Oh,mygod!Areyouguysokay?”Tarahoppedoffherbikeandranover. “Jere?”Igroaned.
“I’malive”Hegrunted “Hangon,guys.”Taraworkedatdetanglingthepilesowecouldscuttleoutfromthebikes. WebothfloppedflatonthegroundandIfelthishandreachformine Ourfingerswoundtogether,andIrolledtomyside “Youdidn’tgetthatshinerfromthecrash.”Myvoicewasstrained.“Whathappened?” “Itdoesn’tmatter.”Atearsliddownhischeek.
“Tomeitdoes”Ipushedmyselfup “C’mon,let’stakeourbikestothefarmandgetsomethingtodrink” Henoddedandgotupofftheground.ThethreeofusrodeinsilencebacktothefarmandhungoutinthebarnwithStanley andSophie
“Dad’sdrunk.”JeremysatonabaleofhaywithSophiebumpingagainsthimforpets. “Again?”Tarasighed “MineisdoingtheAAprogram” Jeremyshookhishead.“Yeah,well,Idon’tthinkmineeverwill.”
“Wannastayfordinner?”IaskedasIopenedthelargedeepfreezerwekeptinthebarn.Ipulledoutabagofpeasandtossed ittohim “Thatshouldatleasthelpitfeelalittlebetter” Jeremyleanedhisheadbackandplacedthecoldpeasonhisface. “Maaaaaaaah”
“Icouldn’thavesaiditbetter,Sophie.”Hescratchedherearswhileshenibbledonthehemofhistee.
“How’stherebuildgoing?”TaraaskedasshechasedStanleyaround Jeremy’seyeslitupasheliftedhishead.“I’mlearningsomuch.Thetwins’dad,Joe,issocool.” “Joeisreallynice.”Inodded,smiled.“He’shelpedmygrandparentsout.”
“Rich,CoopandIallwanttohaveourowngarageoneday Hesaidifwekeeplearningthewayweare,thenwe’llbeset” “Whoo!”TarajumpedasStanleyturnedaroundandchasedher. Weleftthegoatstodogoatthingsandclimbedupinthelofttoswingontheropewehadupthere Thethreeofuslaughed andtookturns.
Iwasswingingacrosswhenthebarndooropened,andmygrandfatheryelledforme. “Miranda?”
“Uphere,Grandpa!”Ihoppedofftheswingandleanedovertheedgetoseehim.“What’sup?” “Let’sgoouttodinner”Hesmiled
“CanJeremyandTaracomewith?” “Iftheywant”
Iturnedbacktomyfriends.“Well?Youwannagowithus?”
Jeremynodded.“Yeah.Icantextmaandletherknow.”
Tarahadherphoneouttypingoutamessage “I’mgood”
Wewentdowntheladder,andGrandpashookhisheadwhenhesawJeremy’sblackeye.“Gary?”
“Please,Mr Walker”Ateartraveleddownhischeek
“Iknow,son.Iwon’tmakemoretroubleforyou.”GrandpawrappedhisarmsaroundJeremy.“Doorisalwaysopen,sois thebarn”
“Thanks.”HesniffledandTaraandIjoinedinthehug.
“Sowherewechowingat?”Sheaskedaswealltookastepback.
“Let’sgoclassuptheyachtclub”Grandpachuckledandmotionedoutsidetohistruck
ThethreeofusranoverandclimbedinsidebucklingourseatbeltswhenGrandpaopenedhisdoorandslidin.
Hestartedthetruck;Iturneduptheradiovolumeandchangedthestationtothelocalrockoneweloved
Dancinginour seats, we enjoyed the drive to the yachtclub and Icouldn’thelp gigglingwhenmygrandpa winked atthe valetworkerandtoldhimtomakesurehedidn’tscratchuphisgoodtruck
Healwaystoldmethestoryofhowproudhewastobuyabrandnewtruckinnineteenninety-nine.Idon’tthinktheymade theghastlyshadeofbabypoopanymore.
Thankfully
WewalkedintotheclubandimmediatelyIfeltunderdressed.Ihatedthataboutthisplace.Nooneshouldlookdownonyou foryourtaxbracket ButIdon’tthinkCarson’sgotthatmemo
PeggyCarsonlooked over atus and Isaw the scowl pass across her face. Henry’s mom, Margaret, turned inher chair to gawkatusaswell.
Mystomachfeltliketherewerehundredsofbutterfliesinsideit,andthenHenrylookedatmeandsmiled. Taragrabbedmyhandandleanedinclose.“Ithinkhelikesyou.”
“Shh”IgiggledandJeremyleanedin “Whatarewewhisperingabout?”
“Jere,IthinkHenrylikesMiranda”Taragiggledharder
Thehostesscameoverandledustoatable.Shetookourdrinkorderanddisappearedtofindourserver. “I’llbeback,Grandpa.Iwanttowashmyhands.”
Henodded,andItookoffforthebathrooms.
Ilovedthewaythis placewas decorated.Theclean,brightwhitewalls.Variedartpieces.Andthebrightgreencarpeting thatcushionedmyfeet
Theonlyreasonwecamehereisbecausemygrandmaworksinthekitchen.Hercookingwasmyfavorite. I was almost to the bathrooms whensomeone came up behind me, covered myeyes and mouthand pulled me into what smelledlikeacleaningcloset.
Strugglingagainstthestrongarms,theyputtheirmouthtomyearwhispering.“Shh,Miranda.It’sme.Henry.” Istoppedfighting,andhemovedhishandsfrommyface TurningaroundIlookedathiminthedimlylitroom “Sorry.”Hesmiled.“Ididn’tmeantoscareyou.”
“Whatdidyoumeantodo?”Itiltedmyheadandsmiledbackathim Histhick,curlyhairwasindisarray “This.”Heleanedinandbrushedhislipsagainstmine.Hisarmswrappedaroundme,pullingmecloser. Myheadswooned,andIwrappedmyarmsaroundhim,lettinghimkissme Histonguemadeitswaythroughmylips,teasingmineinastrangegameoftag.AndIreallylikedit. Mychestswelled as Itried to control mybreathingand Ifeltsomethinghard pressingagainstme. Movingmyhand down betweenus,Ibrushedagainsthiserection,makinghimjump “Oh!”Ijumpedbackinshock. Hischeeksdarkened,andheletoutanawkwardlaugh “It’sokay” “Henry!”awoman’svoicecalledfromtheothersideofthedoor. “Ugh”Hegroanedandshookhishead “That’smymom Ineedtogobeforeshesendsoutasearchparty” “It’sokay.”Ibrushedsomestrayhairbehindmyear. Hesteppedcloserandbrushedhislipsacrossmineagain.“Seeyoutomorrow?” Inoddedandleanedintokisshim Themomentourlipstouchedagain,hismomcalledoutforhimagain Thedoorrattled,andhepushedmeoutofsightasheopenedit.“What?” “Whatareyoudoing?”Hervoicemademeshiver “Ijustwantedafewmomentstomyself.”Heshrugged. “Fine.”Shehuffed.“Idon’tbelieveyou,butIwillnotarguewithyouhere.Let’sgo.Iwanttogethomebeforeyourfather drinkshimselfintoacoma.”
Hisshouldersdropped,andheslippedoutofthedoor,keepingmehiddenfromhereyes.
Icoveredmylipswithmyfingers,tryingtocapturethefeelingofhislipsonmine. Oh, my god!I can’t wait to tell Tara and Jeremy!
Countingtoonehundred,IhopedthatwouldallowHenryandhismomtobefarfromthisareasoIcouldsneakoutandmake ittothebathroom.
Iopenedthedoor,slowlypeekingoutthecrack WhenIsaw thecoastwasclear,Ilefttheclosetandmademywaytothe bathroom,washedmyhandsandwentbacktothetable.
Henryandhisfamilyhadleft
I can’t wait to see him tomorrow!
WeorderedfoodandsattalkinguntilGrandmabroughtitouttoseeus. “Norma?”Grandpatiltedhishead,lookingather “Areyoufeelingokay?” “Jay,don’tyougoworrying.”Sheshookherhead.“It’salittlewarminthekitchen.” “Yourskinlooksweird,Grandma”MyeyesnarrowedasInoticedherskinlookedwetwithagraytonetoit “Nowstop.”Sheturnedtowalkaway.“I’moldandtired.IneedtofinishinthekitchensoIcangohome.” Grandmatookfourstepsandstopped,reachingtoholdontothetabletoherright Ijumpedupfrommychairandrantoher.“Grandma?”
“There’sanelephantonmychest.”Herhushedvoicegavemechills.Herlefthandclutchedmyarm,andIpulledthechair outforhertositon “Sheneedsadoctor!”Iheardpanicinmygrandpa’svoice. Grandmaslidoffthechair,landingonthefloor Idroppedtomykneesbesideher “Grandma!” “Oh,myGod!”Tarayelled,andIsawanotheradultpullherawayfromus.Jeremytoo. “Theambulanceisontheway!”someoneelsecalledout. Anothervoicesoundedsofaraway.“Isshebreathing?” Ireachedoutandtriedtoshakeher.ThenIfelthandspullingmeaway. “Letgoofme!”Ifoughtagainstthem “Letmego!”
Ididn’tknowwhohadme,orhowtheyknewmyname,butIheardthemtellingmetocalmdown. “Idon’twanttocalmdown!Iwantmygrandma!”
TaraandJeremyranupandpulledmefromthepersonholdingme.“Keepherhere.”Hisfirmvoicemademeangry. Ishovedhimandtriedtogetbacktomygrandma,andhewrappedhisarmsaroundmeagain,holdingmetight. Andhetookeveryheadbutt,bite,kickandscreamIhad.
IstoppedfightingwhenIsawtheparamedicscomethroughthedoorsandblowpastme.Iwantedtohearwhatwasgoingon. Buthewouldn’tletgo ThenexttimeIsawthem,grandmawasonthestretcher,withanoxygenmaskonherfaceandgrandpa runningbehindthem.
“Goon,Jay I’lldropthekidsoffandbringhertothehospital”
Oncetheambulancepulledawaywithlightsandsirens,themanletmego.Ispunaroundandshovedhimagain,noticingnow whoitwas.
“Iknowyou’remad”Edith’sdad’svoicewassofternow “Thisisascarytime Let’sgetJeremyandTarahome,thenwe’ll meetyourgrandpaatthehospital.”
Isniffledandwipedmynoseonmysleeve “Okay”
Whenwe gotintothe car,Isatinthe backseatbetweenmyfriends.Theyeachtooka handandhelditwhile Mr.Malone droveusinsilence
ThefirststopwasTara’shouse.Whenhepulledintothedriveway,hewalkedhertothedoor,spoketohermom,andcame back.
Jeremyswitchedhandssohecouldwrapanarmaroundme
Mr.MalonereturnedanddroveovertoJeremy’shouse.Mrs.Parkscamerunningout,wipingherhandsonherapron. Jeremypressedakisstothetopofmyheadbeforeexitingthecar,leavingmeinside,alone Iheardmumblesbutcouldn’tmakeoutwhattheyweresaying.
Mrs Parksblewmeakiss,andIfeltanuglypitgrowinginmystomach Ineededtomakesuremygrandmawasokay Edie’s dad got back in the car and drove us to the hospital. I appreciated the silence. I didn’t need small talk, and this allowedsilenttearstotrekdownmyface.
Whenwe arrived, he drove up the longlane where youcould drop or pickup patients from Sittingona benchoutside, holdinghishead,wasmygrandpa.
Mr Malonerolleddownthepassengerwindow “Needmetostay?”
“No.”GrandpashookhisheadasIclimbedoutandclosedthedoor.“Thanks,Irv.” “YouknowwhereIamifyouneedanything.”
“Thanks.”
Thewindowwentup,andItookmygrandpa’shand.“Let’sgoseeGrandma.”
“Honey.Wait.”Hestoppedmefrompullinghimandhisvoicesoundedfrail.“Ineedtotellyousomething.” Achillranthroughmybody,andIlookedintohiseyes.I’dseenthatlookbefore.
“Honey”Tearsfilledhiseyes “Somethinghappened” MyheadshookasItookastepback.“No.” Iwatchedasheworkedtoswallowandstopthetears “Miranda”
“No.”Myvoicecameoutfirmer.“Where’sgrams?Whatroomisshein?”Idemandedasanofficercameoutside.
SheriffCoatslookedbetweenus,removedhishat,andbowedhishead “Miranda” “NO!”Icouldn’tstopmyselffromscreaming.
Grandpa’sarmswrappedaroundmeandheldmetight.“Shehadaheartattack,baby.Ithitsofasttherewasn’tathinganyone could’vedone”
“You’relying.”Tearsstreameddownmyface. “IwishIwere”Hisvoicebrokeashesqueezedmetighter “Youhavetobe.”Isobbed.
“Baby,I’msorry”Grandpasobbed,holdingontome
Henry
Icouldn’twaittogettoschoolandseeMiranda
Mylipsstilltingledfromkissingher.Iknewshewasasixthgrader,butIdidn’tcare.Shewassodifferentfromthegirlsthat hungaroundwithus.
Honest. Kind. Beautiful. Ethanelbowedme.“What’sgotyousmilinglikeaderp?”
Ilookedaroundtoseewhosatclosestandthenleanedinsoonlyhecouldhearme “IkissedMiranda” “Dude,Iknow.Iwasthere.”Helaughed.“I’mtheonewhodaredyouto.”
Ishookmyhead “No Lastnightattheclub” “When?”Hiseyesnarrowed.
“Ipulledherintothecleaningcloset.”
“Dude!”Hisjawdropped.“Whenyourmomwaslookingforyou,youweremakingoutwithHollyHobbieinthecloset?”
“Yep.”Inodded.“YoushouldtrybeingnicertoVivi.It’llgetyoufarther.”
“Idon’tevenlikeVivian”Heshookhisheadandsatback “Right.”Ilaughed.
ThebusbouncedalongandIlookedoutthewindow Schoolwasalmostoverandsummerwouldbehere I wonder if Miranda likes to swim?
Thebusslowedandturnedthecorner,shakingusallaroundbeforepullingintotheparkinglotandopeningthedoorforusto exit
Ethan and I walked on the sidewalk, following the other kids into the building. Two stories of classrooms, hundreds of peopletowadethrough Ididn’tseeMirandaanywhere.
“Hi, Henry” Victoria ranover and wrapped her arms around me “Youdidn’t call me last night” She thrust her lip out, pouting.
“That’sbecausehewasbusycleaning.”Ethandeadpanned.
“Youhaveamaid”Shewrinkledhernose “Whyonearthwouldyoudoherjob?” Rollingmyeyes,Iwalkedpastherandintothebuilding.“Sheannoysme.” “She’sgotplanstomarryyou”Ethanlaughed “Gracietoldmeaboutit” “I’dkillmyselffirst.”
“Shh”Dexterjoinedus “Ifthecounselorhearsyousaythat,she’llcallyourparentsandyou’llbeofftothelooneybin” Ibrokeawayfrommyfriendsandwalkeddownthehalltomylocker.Richardhadhislockeropen,andhewastalkingtohis youngerbrother.
“Todaywe’remeetingatthetwin’splace Joeisgoingtogooveroilchanges” “Yeah.Ineedsomethingtodistractme.”Jeremyfrowned. “MaybeinviteMiranda?”Richardshrugged “InviteMirandaforwhat?”Iasked,spinningthecombinationlock. Thebrotherslookedoveratme.“Miranda’sgrandmadiedlastnight.SoIthoughtshemightlikesomethingtodistracther.” “Wait.”Ishookmyhead.“Whathappened?” “Shehadaheartattack.”Hefrowned.“Ifeelsobadforher.” “Masaidshedidn’tsuffer”Richardjoinedin,frowning “Normawasgoodfriendswithourmom” Petewalkedupandshookhishead.“I’mgonnamisshercooking.”
Confusionfilledme “Cooking?”
“Shewastheheadcookattheclub.”Petesighed.“Mymompissedmeofftoo,MissNormajustpassedandmomwantsto bringinsomespecialchef.”
“IheardMissNormatellingmymomhowyourmomwastryingtopushherout”Richardclosedhislocker “Yeah.Mymom’sasnobbybitchsometimes.”Peteshrugged.“Catchyoulosersinclass.” Thehallemptiedaswestoodthere “Whathappenedtoyoureye?”IpulledoutthebookIneededandclosedmylocker.
Jeremyshruggedandsighed “I’mgoingtoclass”
HejoggeddownthehalltohisclassasPete,Richard,andIwentintoourclassroom. Thebellrang,andourEnglishteacherscribbledontheboardwhilemuttering. Victoriacameinlateandtookherpasstotheteacherbeforeslidingintotheseatbesideme Sheleanedoverandbattedher eyes.
“Henry There’sadanceonFriday Wannagowithme?”
Ishookmyheadandtriedtopayattentiontotheteacher,feelingvictoriouswhenshesatbackinherseatwithahuffandleft mealone
Mydaywassurprisinglypeaceful,makingmyclassesandlunchtimeflyby.Whenthelastbellrang,Iboltedoutofclass,to mylocker,grabbedmybackpack,andthenrantothebus.
Ethanboardedthebusshortlyaftermeanddroppeddownbesideme “Where’sthefire?” “Whatfire?”Ishruggedandsatback.
Heturnedhisheadtowardsme,hiseyesnarrowed “You’regoingtoseeHollyHobbie” “So?”
“Dude.”Hehelduphishand.“Don’tbedefensive.”
“I’mnottryingtobe.”Islammedmyheadbackagainsttheseat.“It’sjust…Ireallylikeher.” “Pussy.”Ethanlaughed.
“Jerk”Ielbowedhim
Werodeinsilenceandwhenmystopcame,Ialmostknockedhimoutofthewaytogetoffthebus. Runningupthedriveway,IskiddedtoahaltwhenIsawmymomsittingoutside,sippinghericedtea “Welcomehome,Henry.”Shesmiled.“Youseemlikeyou’reinahurry.”
“Yeah,Idon’thavehomeworkandIwantedtogohangoutonthetrails.” “Idon’tthinkso.”Shesippedhertea. “Whynot?”
“We’re havinga dinner partytonight Iwantyoutopickoutwhatyouplantowear,getinthe shower and,for the love of God,dosomethingwiththemoponyourhead.”
“But ”Ithumbedtothegarage “Can’tIgoforalittlebit?” “No.”Shepursedherlips.
“Wehavethreehoursbeforeanyonewillbehere.”Iraisedmyvoice,andshestoodupwalkingclosertome.“Iwanttogo hangout!”
“Henry.”Thetoneinhervoiceoozedice. “Thisisstupid!Iwah ” Herhandflewoutandslappedmeacrosstheface.“Enough.”
“You youhitme!”Isteppedback “You’reactinglikeaspoiledbrat.”Shesteppedafterme.“Getinthehouse.” “Ihateyou!”Isnarled.
Shethrewherglassoftea,smashingitontheground “NotasmuchasIhateyou”Sheslappedmeagain “Iam done with youbeingabrat.”
Huffingoutahardbreath,Iturnedtogointothehouse “Anddon’tthinkIdon’tknowaboutyourlittlewhitetrashfriend.”Hershoescrunchedthesmallshardsofglass.“Stayaway fromher”
Shakingmyhead,Istormedinside,runningtomyroomtobealone.
Miranda
Thelastfew daysblurredall together.Ididn’twanttotalktoanyone…that’snottrue.TheonepersonIwantedtotalkto didn’tcallorcomeby
Mybodyfeltnumb.Mybraincouldn’tprocessanythoughtsandIdidn’twanttohearanymorecondolences.
Peoplehavebeeninandoutofourhome,bringingfood,paperproducts,andrepeatedoffersifweneedanythingtocall. YouknowwhatIneeded?
Everyonetoleavemealone
I hated funerals. I hated death. I hated people. I hated the smell of the funeral home. Thefoyeratthefuneralhomewasmeanttobecomforting Spoiler alert. It wasn’t
“Thereyouare,Miranda”WallyandAndrew’smomwalkedovertome “Oh,sweetheart,I’msosorryforyourloss”She placedafingerundermychinandliftedmyface.“You’reprobablysosickofhearingthat.” “Thanks.”
“Wouldn’tyoube?”Jeremy’smom,MissJean,walkedup
How many times had I heard that? A hundred? A million? What does it even mean? Great. You’re sorry. You didn’t kill her You didn’t kill my parents
Thewomensteppedbacktogivemebreathingroom,andIslinkedaway.Ididn’twantanymorehugs.Walkingthroughthe funeralhome,Imademywaytoadarkcornerandhid
Every person here loved my grandma. I’d heard all the stories and loved them, but right now they weren’t bringing me comfort.
AllIwantedwasformygrandmatobealive
It’s not fair that she’s gone.
Mostofmyteacherssenthomemake-upworkformeandIhaditallcompletedwhileIavoidedalltheplansthatwerebeing made.
I wanted to go home I wanted my goats and dogs “Thereyouare.”Mygrandpa’ssoftvoicemademelookup. “Sorry.”
Hesatdownbesideme “Youdon’thavetobesorry,punkin” “Imissmymomanddad.”Tearsrolleddownmycheeks.“It’snotfair.”
Warmarmswrappedaroundmeinasecurehug “It’snot Butsometimesthisisthehandlifedealsus” “Who?Whoisthestupiddealerthatthoughtthiswasagoodhand?” “Aw,punkin,somepeoplethinkit’sGod.Otherscallitfate.”Hesighed.“Andintheend,wedon’tgetasay.” “Thisissostupid.”
“Iagree.”Histearsdrippedontomyhead.
Wesattheretogetherinoursadnessuntilastrangesoftvoiceinterrupted “Excuseme,Mr Walker Thepastorisreadytodo theservice.”
Grandpanodded “Giveusaminute” “Ofcourse.”
Theyoungwomandisappeared,andheturnedhiseyestome.“Well.”Hesighed.“Areyoucomingwithme?”
Inodded “Yeah We’reallwegotnow”
He pushed himselfup fromthe floor and waited for me. Withour hands clasped together, we walked backto the viewing roomandtookourplaceinthefrontrow
AbrandnewboxoftissuesappearedattheendoftherowandIpickeditup,huggingittomybody.Ididn’thearawordthe pastorsaid
ThenumbnessIfeltranthroughmeandIwassureI’dneverfeelnormalagain.