BabyMakes3
McIntyreSecurityBodyguardSeries Book16 by
AprilWilson
Copyright©2024AprilE.Barnswell/ WilsonPublishingLLC Allrightsreserved.
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Publishedby AprilE.Barnswell WilsonPublishingLLC P.O.Box292913
Dayton,OH45429 www.aprilwilsonauthor.com
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McIntyreSecurityBodyguardSeries: Vulnerable Fearless
Shane – a novella
Broken Shattered Imperfect Ruined Hostage Redeemed
Marry Me – a novella
Snowbound – a novella Regret
With This Ring – a novella Collateral Damage
Special Delivery
Vanished – a novella
Baby Makes Three – a novella
McIntyreSecurityBodyguardSeriesBoxSets:
Box Set 1
Box Set 2
Box Set 3
Box Set 4
McIntyreSecurityProtectors: Finding Layla Damaged Goods Freeing Ruby
McIntyreSearchandRescue: Search and Rescue Lost and Found Tattered and Torn
TylerJamisonNovels: Somebody to Love Somebody to Hold Somebody to Cherish
OtherBooks: Falling for His Bodyguard
TheBritishBillionairesRomanceSeries: Charmed Captivated
Forlinkstomyaudiobooks,pleasevisitmywebsite: www.aprilwilsonauthor.com/audiobooks
Contents
Chapter 1 – Jamie
Chapter 2 – Molly
Chapter 3 – Molly
Chapter 4 – Jamie
Chapter 5 – Molly
Chapter 6 – Molly
Chapter 7 – Jamie
Chapter 8 – Molly
Chapter 9 – Molly
Chapter 10 – Jamie
Chapter 11 – Molly
Chapter 12 – Molly
Epilogue – Jamie
Ireallydidn’tneedabachelorparty,butmybrothersinsisted JakeandLiamjustwouldn’ttakenoforananswer Evenmy eldestbrother,Shane,insistedwedothis.Afterall,thebachelorettepartyisinfullswingatourparents’house,andShanesaid Icouldn’tsithomealonemoping Hey,Idon’tmope I’mgladMolly’scelebratingwiththeladiesandallthekids
So,hereweare,mybrothersandI,ourdad,andourclosefriendsinaprivatepartyroomatTanks,aneighborhoodbarin LincolnPark.
Shaneisseatedtomyleft,Jaketomyright Liamissittingdirectlyacrossthetablefromme,nexttoourdad Mysisters’ husbands JonahandDominic arehere,asareSamandCooper,CameronStewart,TroySpencer,MackDonovan,and MiguelRodriguez It’sabiggroup Arowdyone,too
Jakeshovesacoldglassintomyhand.“Drinkup,pal,”hesaysashethumpsmyback.
Undoubtedly,it’sbeer Itakeasip
WhenShanestands,therestoftheguysquicklyquietdown.“AsJamie’sbigbrother,Ihaveafewwordstosay,aswellas abitofadvicetoofferhimontheartofmatrimony.”
Chuckleseruptupanddownthelongtable
“Firstofall,”Shanesays,“I’venevermetamorecourageousmanthanJamie.Hesacrificedalotinservicetohiscountry, includinghiseyesight,buthe’sneverlethisblindnessstophimfromgoingafterwhathewanted Irememberthedayhemoved outofmyhousetoliveonhisown.Heneededtoshowtheworldthat,blindornot,hecouldtakecareofhimself.Turnsout, thatwashisluckydaybecausethat’swhenhemetMolly”Shanelaysahandonmyshoulder “Therest,astheysay,ishistory Atoast tomybrotherandhisbeautifulbride-to-be.”
Iliftmyglass. I’ll drink to that.
“Mayyourfuturelifetogetherashusbandandwifebesmoothsailing,”hesays
Lotsofglassestouchmine,andIcan’thelpsmiling.I’vewaitedalongtimeforMollytomakeanhonestmanofme.AsI takeadrink,Ihearlotsofmurmuredagreement
Jakesnakeshisarmaroundmyneckandhaulsmeclose.“I’mhappyforyou,man.”
“Andnowforthemaritaladvice,”Shanesays.“Justrememberthis:yourwifeisalwaysright.Evenwhenshe’snot,sheis. Don’tforgetthat.Asahusband,yourjobistobekindandpatient.Remember puttingupwithusguysishardwork.”
Nowthere’sabitmorethanjustchucklingintheroom.
Servingstaffarrivethen,bringingplattersoffood hotwings,nachos,andonionrings andofcoursemorepitchersof beer.
Theguystaketurnsofferingeithercongratulationsorwordsofadvice
“Shane’sadviceissolid,”Jakesayswhenit’shisturntospeak.“Ofcourseinmycase,it’sliterallytrue.Annie is always right.”
Morelaughter.
Aseveryonedigsintothefood,Isitbackandlistentothemultipleconversationsgoingonaroundme,includinglotsof laughterandjokes,manyatmyexpense ButI’mfinewithit Theycanteasemealltheywant I’mmarryingtheloveofmylife intwomonths.I’llfinallyhaveaweddingringonherfinger.Ican’taskformore.
Jakepicksuphisphoneandstartstappingthescreen “Iwonderwhatthegirlsareupto”
“They’reeatingcake,”Shanesays,onmyotherside.“GinaCapellicateredthebacheloretteparty.Shemadeathree-tiered strawberrycreamcake,andBethsaysit’sthebestshe’severhad.Andthat’ssayingalot,becausethecakeatourweddingwas excellent”
“Didyousaycake?”Dominicasks.“Weshouldhavegottenacake.Whydidn’twethinkofthat?”
“Don’tblameme,”Coopersays “ItoldShaneweshouldhaveacake” “Ididn’tthinkweneededone,”Shanesays.“We’vegotbeerandhotwings.” “Maybethey’llsaveussome,”Liamsays “I’lltextJasmineandaskher” I’msittingheretryingnottolaugh.I’mprettysurealltheguysherewouldratherbewiththeirwomen,includingme. “Insteadofworryingaboutwhetherornotthere’llbeanycakeleftover,whydon’twegocrashtheirparty?” Mysuggestionisgreetedbyamomentofsilence,followedbyaneruptionofvoices “Youwouldn’tmindifwejoinedthem?”Shaneasksme.
“Ofcoursenot”
“I’mallforjoiningthecoolkids’party,”Jakesays.Heshoveshischairbackandrisestohisfeet.“Let’sdoit.” “I’llsettlethebill,”Shanesays “Youguysgoahead I’llberightbehindyou” Jakenudgesmyshoulder.“Let’sgogetsomecake.Comeon.Youcanridewithme.”
Todayismybacheloretteparty,andallthesepeopleareherefor me It’sveryhumbling JamieMcIntyreandIaregetting marriedintwomonths onDecember12.WhenJamieandIfirststarteddating,Ihadnoideahowbighisfamilywas.The McIntyresareaveryclose-knitfamily,andthey’vewelcomedmewithopenarms I’mgainingmorethanahusband I’m gaininganextendedfamily.
Mysoon-to-bemother-in-law,Bridget,ishostingtheparty.Herlongkitchentableiscoveredwithplattersoffingerfoods, aveggietray,freshfruit,andchipsandsalsa Atthefarendofthetableisagorgeousthree-tieredcakedecoratedwithpink icingrosesandrealstrawberries.Nearlyallofthewomeninmyfiancé’sfamilyarehere everyonebutHannah.Sheandher significantother,Killian,arecominginfromColoradoinDecemberforthewedding Mymother’shere,too,aswellasIngrid, Erin,andJasmine.Mybestfriend,Chloe,wavesatmefromacrosstheroomasshehelpsherselftosomegoodiesfromthe table
Afterweloadupourplateswithfood,wealltakeseatsintheadjoininggreatroom.Fortunately,it’salarge,openspace withhighceilingsandabigbrickfireplace.Thereisplentyofseating,asBridgetandCalumhavealotofsofas.Theyhaveto. Mostoftheirsevenadultchildrenaremarriednow,andtheoneswhoaren’tmarriedhavesignificantothers Andthenthereare allthegrandchildren.Thereare lots ofgrandchildren.
JamieandIhopetoaddsomebabiesofourowntothefamilytree
My7-year-oldnephew,Aiden,plopsdownonthesofabesideme.He’snibblingonachocolatechipcookie.“Areyou havingfunatyourparty,AuntMolly?”Hisinfectiousenthusiasmmakesmesmile Sodoesthewell-wornandwell-loved stuffedstegosaurustuckedbeneathoneofhisarms.
“Iam,”Ireply.
“Maw-wee!”Myyoungestnephew,Luke,twoyearsoldnow,runsupandhugsmylegs “Party!”heannounces
Laughing,Iglancedownathisspikywhite-blondhairandbigblueeyesasheproceedstoclimbupontomylap.“Yes, we’rehavingaparty”
I’mfilledwithemotionasIlookuponallthefamilyandfriendsgatheredheretocelebratemyupcomingwedding.WhenI firststarteddatingJamie,Ioftenfoundbigfamilyget-togetherslikethisoneoverwhelmingbecauseIgrewupanonlychild.It wasjustmeandmyparents.Familyget-togetherswerequietanduneventful.Butthere’snothingquietaboutthisfamily.
“Here,sweetheart,”Bridgetsaysasshebringsmeaglassoffrothypinkliquid.“Wouldyouliketotrythisstrawberry punchAnniemade?It’sdelicious”
Asfarasfuturemothers-in-lawgo,Ican’timagineabetteronethanBridgetMcIntyre.Sheandherhusband,Calum,have welcomedmeintotheirfamilywithopenarms
AidenandLukeendupseatedonthecarpetedfloorinthecenterofthegreatroomplayingwithHotWheelscars.Annie andJake’stwindaughters,EverlyandEmerly,attempttojointhem,butthey’restillabittooyoungtograsptheconceptof sharing.TheymostlygetinthewayandtrytonabthecarsthatAidenandLukeareplayingwith.Thetwoyoungestbabies Ava,whoturnedayearoldlastmonth,andMia,who’ssixmonthsold getpassedfrompersontoperson.
Ilovethatthekidsarehereatmyparty,butdeepinsideI’mnursingapainfulsecret
JamieandIbothwantdesperatelytostartafamily.Andsincewe’renotgettinganyyounger,wedecidedtostopusingbirth controloverayearago We’regrownadults Itwouldn’thavematteredtousifI’dgottenpregnantbeforeourwedding Butit hasn’thappened,andnotthroughlackoftrying.
Myperiodshavebeenerraticforthepastyear,anditscaresmebecauseI’monly38.I’mskippingone,sometimestwo, monthsatatime EachtimeImissaperiod,Itakeapregnancytest,desperatelyhopingforapositiveoutcome,butit’salways thesameresult.
Negative
Ishakeanxiousthoughtsfrommyheadandtrytofocusonthehereandnow.Thisisaparty acelebration.I’maboutto marrythemostincredible,mostwonderfulmanI’veeverhadthegoodfortunetoknow Theonlythingthatcouldmakethis partybetterwouldbeifJamiewasherewithme.
Whilewe’rebusychatting,eating,andpassingthebabiesaround,wehearthefrontdooropen,followedbyaswellof deep,masculinevoices
Aidenjumpstohisfeetandsprintsdownthehall.“Daddy!”
Lukeclamberstohisfeetandracesafterhisbigcousin “Daddy!”
Iknowit’ssilly,butmypulsepicksupastheMcIntyremenandtheirfriendsfileintotheroom,sheepishgrinsontheir faces
“Ithoughtyouboyswerehavingyourownparty,”Bridgetsayswithalaugh. Shanewalksintotheroomholdinghisson,Luke.“Wethoughtwe’dcomejoinyourparty,ifyoudon’tmind.”Hecrosses
theroomtohiswife,Beth,andleansdowntokissher.
AsJamiefollowshisbrothersintotheroom,Aidengrabshishand.“Comewithme,UncleJamie.I’lltakeyoutoAunt Molly”
JamiereachesdownandrufflesAiden’schocolatebrownhair.“Thatwouldbeawesome,pal.Thanks.”
AsAidencarefullyleadsJamiebythehand,Iscootovertomakeroomonthesofa AsJamieapproaches,Iholdoutmyhand.“I’mhere,”Isay,guidinghimwiththesoundofmyvoice.
JamietakesholdofmyhandandItughimdowntositbesideme Heleanscloseandkissesme “Didyoumissme?” “Yes.Howwasyourparty?”
“Itwasfine,butwerealizedweweremissingyouladies,sowedecidedtojoinyours.” Suddenly,theheadcountintheroomhasdoubled ThetwinsruntoJake,whoscoopsthemupinhisbrawnyarms DominictakeslittleMiafromSophieandcradlesheragainsthisbroadchest.“Weheardaboutthecake.”Heglancesatthe table,atthehalf-eatencake “Good There’ssomeleftforus”
SamandCooperfilein,followedbyTroySpencer,thefamily’sattorney,andafriendofShane’s.LastlyareMack,Miguel, andLiam
Theguysraidthetable,fillingtheirplateswithfood.CalumMcIntyre,myfuturefather-in-law,breaksoutthebeerbottles fromthefridge.
“Ihopeyoudon’tminduscrashingyourparty,”Jamiesaysashelayshisarmacrossmyshouldersandpullsmeclose “Ofcoursenot.”Ileanintohim.“Nowthateveryone’shere,therealpartycanstart.”
Astheafternoonprogresses,LukeendsupseatedonJamie’slap,andIhaveLuke’slittlesister,Ava,onmine Luke’s holdingthreelittleplaycarsinhissmallhands.Whenhedropsone,heleansforwardinanattempttograbit,butgravityis workingagainsthim.Lukefallsforward,butbeforehecantumbleoffJamie’slap,Jamiegrabshimandhaulshimbacktoa secureposition.IpickupthefallentoyandhandittoLuke.
“Nicesave,”IsaytoJamie.
Smiling,heshrugs “Goodreflexes”
Afewmomentslater,whenLukegoesofftoplaywithAiden,JamieholdshishandsouttoAva.Shereachesforhim,andhe sitsheronhislap Whenhestartsbouncingheronhisknee,shesquealsindelight Beforetheendoftheevening,Jamieendsupsittingonthefloorwiththeboys,playingcarswiththem.Thetwinsclimbon him,andhehashishandsfulljugglingthetwolittlegirls.Watchinghimentertainthekidsisbittersweet.Jamiewouldbesucha wonderfulfather.Ijusthopehegetsthechance.
Iwakeupanhourbeforemyalarm Thatdoesn’tsurpriseme Lately,I’vebeenwakingupeverymorningwithcrushing anxiety,andit’sonlygettingworsebytheday.Ihavetoputastoptothis now.Jamie’sworriedaboutme.HeknowsI’mon edge,andI’msurehecanguesswhy He’sveryobservant Very
Islipoutofbedandpracticallytiptoeoutofourbedroom,quietlyclosingthedoorbehindme.Idon’tbothertoturnonany lightsinourapartmentasImakemywaytothesparebathroomontheothersideofourapartment.Ialmostchuckletomyself becauseturningonalightisn’tgoingtoalertmyblindfiancé It’sjustthatIfeelstealthiercreepingthroughtheapartmentinthe dark.
Iclosethebathroomdoorbehindme,andthenIfliponthelight ThepregnancytestkitisrightwhereIstashedit atthe backofthebottomdrawerinthevanitycabinet.Ipurchasedthistestkitoveramonthago,butI’monlynowfeelingreadyto useit
Tiredofdisappointment,Istoppedtestingaftereachmissedcycle.Jamiehasn’tsaidawordaboutit.Hedoesn’task.He doesn’tpry.Hejustholdsmecloseeverynight,pouringhisloveandsupportintome.
Butthistime,it’sdifferent I’vemissedmyperiodthreemonthsinarow I’venevergonethatlongbefore SoeitherI’m pregnant,orIneedtoseemydoctor.I’mtooyoungtostopmenstruating.
OfcourseJamieiswellawareofhowmanymonthsit’sbeensinceIlasthadaperiod Themandoesn’tmissathing But he’sneversaidanythingaboutittome.Idon’tthinkhewantstoaddtomystress.
I’mengagedtotheloveofmylife JamesEdwardMcIntyre andwefinallysetadateforthewedding He’sbeentrying foroverayeartogetmetopickadate,butIresisted.NotbecauseIdon’tlovehim.Ilovehimmorethananythingintheworld. It’sjustthatIknowhowmuchhewantschildren,andI’mafraidIcan’tgivehimany.
OurweddingwillbeheldatShane’sestateinKenilworth,justnorthofChicago Adearfamilyfriend,DanielCooper,is goingtopresideoverourceremony.He’sbecomethefamily’sofficialweddingofficiateashehaspresidedoverthe ceremoniesofseveralofJamie’ssiblings We’vealreadycompletedthelegalpaperworkandobtainedamarriagelicense The ceremonyisjustaformality.
Istaredownattheblueandwhiteboxinmyhand.Iguessit’stimetoopenitandgetthisshowontheroad beforeJamie wakesandcomeslookingforme.Quietly,Iopenthebox.
Theboxcontainstwotests.Itakeoutone,readtheinstructions,andpeeonit.ThenIlaytheteststriponthecounterandsit ontheedgeofthebathtubtowait Isetatimeronmyphone Myphone’sonsilent,ofcourse
Iletmymindwandertothebachelorettepartyyesterday.Itwaswonderfulhavingthefamilytogether.Ireallyvaluetheir unconditionalloveandsupport Thebestpartofthedaywaswhentheguyscrashedourparty HavingJamietheretocelebrate withmemademefeelcomplete.AndwhileIlovebeingaroundallthekids,thatpartwasbittersweet. Finally,myphonevibratesinmyhand.
Time is up
MyheartpoundsasIreachforthetestandstareattheresult.
Negative
IfI’mbeinghonest,I’mnotsurprised.I’veknownforawhilenowthatsomethingiswrong.It’stimetofacerealityand schedulethecheck-upI’vebeendreading Ijumpatthesoundofaquietknockonthebathroomdoor.“Honey?Iseverythingokay?” Crap
Ofcoursehefoundme Forablindguy,he’sremarkablyresourceful “Yes,fine,”Isay,tryingnottoletmyvoicequiver.Myeyesaretearingup,andmythroatistight,butI’mdoingmybestnot tocry “CanIcomein?”heasks.
“Sure”
Theknobturns,andthedooropensslowly.OurLabradorRetriever,Gus,comesintotheroom,histhicktailwagging vigorously.Jamiefollowshimin.“DoIneedtoaskwhyyou’reintheguestbathroom?” There’snopointtryingtohidethisfromhim “Itookapregnancytest” Henods.“Isee.”Hepausesamoment,asifhe’swaitingformetovolunteertheinformation.Whenit’snotforthcoming,he says,“And?” Isigh.“It’snegative.”
Henodsagain,verynonjudgmental “Okay”
“Jamie,it’sbeenthreemonthssinceIhadaperiod.” “Iknow.”Ofcourseheknows.Hedoesn’tmissathing.
Istandandthrowawaytheusedtest.“I’llcallDr.Shaw’sofficeandmakeanappointment.” Heholdshishandouttome,andinsteadoftakingit,Istepintohisarms.Immediately,hedrawsmeagainsthim,pullingme tohisfirmchest My rock Oneofhishandsslidesuptocupthebackofmyhead Hisotherhandgentlyrubsmyback Mytearsburnastheyspillontomycheeks,thensoakintohisT-shirt.“I’msosorry,”Isputterthroughagonizedsobs. “Shh,”hemurmurs Hekissesthesideofmyhead “We’reinthistogether,honey We’reateam There’snoneedtosayI’m sorry whenit’snoone’sfault.”Hecontinuesrubbingmyback,andhisotherhandmassagesthebackofmyhead.“It’searly still Youdon’thavetobeatthestudiofortwomorehours Let’sgobacktobed Ijustwanttoholdyou” “Okay,”Isay,snifflingasthewaterworkscometoanend.
Jamietakesmyhandandleadsmethroughthedarkapartmentbacktoourbedroom.Theironyofthissituationisn’tloston me Theblindmanisleadingtheway Whenwereachourroom,Gusplopsdownonhisoversizeddogbed,whileweclimbbackintoourbed. Jamieliesonhisbackandpullsmeagainsthim Myarmgoesacrosshischest,andIlaymyheadonhisshoulder Hetucks thebeddingaroundus,sothatwe’renestledinawarm,safecocoon. Hekissesmyforehead “Youknowwhat?” “What?”
“Ican’twaittomarryyou.Fifty-ninedaysandeighthours,butwho’scounting?” Apainfulknotformsinmythroat He’stryingtocheermeup,buthe’signoringtheelephantintheroom Ifinallyputvoicetothefearthat’sbeenswampingmeforoverayearnow. It’sthereasonIdraggedmyfeetonsettinga weddingdate “Jamie,Idon’tthinkIcangiveyouababy”
Hisarmtightensaroundme.“That’sokay.AslongasIhaveyou,I’mcontent.”
“Crap,I’mlate,”IsayasIslideoutofbed.Itlookslikewebothfellbacktosleep.
Yawning,Jamiesitsupandrunshisfingersthroughhistousledauburnhair “I’llstartonbreakfastwhileyougetready”
Onimpulse,Ikneelonthebedandleanintokisshim.I’mtemptedtoskipworktodayandstayhomewithhimbutI’vegot abigcommissionduelaterthisweek.Ican’taffordtotakeadayoff.
IindulgemyselfamomentasIwatchhimgetoutofbed,pullonapairofgraysweats commandostyle andaUSNavy T-shirtfromhisdaysintheSEALs.TheT-shirtmoldsitselftohislean,musculartorso.Icouldstareathimforhoursandnever getbored
Jamielocateshissneakersonthefloorbesidethebed.“Tick-tock.You’dbettergetmoving.”
“I’mgoing,”Isaywithachuckle,loathetoleavehim.Butdutycalls.
Afterquicklyshoweringanddressing,ImakeittothekitchenjustasJamieisplatingthefood.He’smadeourtypical breakfast scrambledeggsandtoastwithbutterandstrawberryjam.Andcoffee,ofcourse.Hedrinkshisblack.Heputssugar andcreamonthetableforme
“Doyouwantmetowalkwithyoutothestudio?”heasksasweeat.
Iswallowabiteoffoodandtakeasipofmycoffee “Thankyou,butno Youshouldstayandwork”Iknowhe’srunning upagainstadeadlineofhisown.He’ssupposedtoturninthenewmanuscripttohisNewYorkeditornextmonth.
Iknockbackthelastofmycoffee,stand,andleanovertokisshischeek.“Thankyouforadeliciousbreakfast.Andthanks forthecoffee.I’vegottorun.”
Igrabmypurseandjacket,andI’mhalfwaytothedoorwhenheasks,“HowaboutIbringyousomelunch?Howabout Chinese?”
Ipausetoglancebackathim,wonderinghowIgotsolucky.“Iwouldlovethatbutonlyifyoucansparethetime.” Hesmiles “Ialwayshavetimeforyou Orangechickenandfriedrice?” “Yes,please.Andcreamcheeserangoons?”
Hesmiles.“Ofcourse.”
Ileaveourapartment,lockthedoorbehindme,andthenracedownthestairstothefoyer MyfriendChloeMontoya,who livesinoneofthetwodownstairsapartments,isjustcominginfromhermorningrun,lookingdisheveledandgorgeousas always Herdarkhairispulledbackinamessyponytail
“Hey!”Isay,stoppingtogiveheraquickhug.
“Yesterdaywasalotoffun,”shesays,referringtothebacheloretteparty “Itwas.Sorry,can’ttalk.I’vegottorun.”
“Iseverythingokay?”
“Yes,fine I’mjustlateforwork
Chloelaughs.“I’dhaveahardtimegettingoutofbed,too,ifIwereyou.”
Laughing,IwavebackatherasIhustledownthestreettomyartstudio,whichisjustafewblocksaway.Icanwalkitin sixminutesifIreallyputmymindtoit WhenIarrive,thelightsarealreadyoninside
Myassistant,ChristyMaitland,isstandingbehindthesalescounteropeningarollofquartersandpouringthemintothe cashdrawer “Goodmorning,boss,”shesayswithawelcomingsmile
“Sorry,Ioverslept,”IsayabitbreathlesslyasIstepinside.Idon’tmentionthefactthatIcriedmyselfbacktosleepthis morning
“Notaproblem.”Christyglancesattheclockonthewall.“You’reonlyfifteenminuteslate.Icanmanagetheshoponmy own.”
“Youlookcute,”Isay “Iloveyourcurls”
Smilingself-consciously,shepatsherriotofblonde,chin-lengthcurls.“IthoughtI’dletmyhairgo au natural today. MostlyI’mtiredofstraighteningit Youlike?” “Iloveit.”
Christyhasbeenworkingformeforaboutsixmonthsnow She’spetiteandcurvy,withasweetroundfaceandbigblue eyes.
“Mailforyou,”shesays,handingmeasmallstackofwhiteenvelopes.
Iquicklyglancethroughthem “Mostlybills,butacoupleofpayments,too”Ihandthembacktoher “Wouldyoumind takingcareofthese?”
“Noproblem,”shesaysasshereturnstohertaskofpreparingthecashdrawer
Christyisalifesaver.Withherheretoruntheshopandhandlemostofthedailybusinesstasks,Icanconcentrateon painting.
Ipassthroughthecurtaineddoorwaytotheworkareainback.Myartstudioisdividedintotwosections.Thefronthalfis aretailshopfeaturingmypaintingsforsale,postcards,calendars,andvariousotherart-relatedmerchandise.Thebackhalfof thebuildingiswhereIdomypainting Atanygiventime,Ihaveadozenormorepaintingsinvariousstagesofproduction Somearecommissions.Somearedestinedfortheshop,andsomeareearmarkedtogotoartgalleriesinNewYorkCity,L.A., Atlanta,andrighthereinChicago
Istowmypurseinadeskdrawer,hangupmyjacket,andputonmyworkaproninanefforttoprotectmyclothesfrom paintandvarnish.TodayI’mputtingonthefinalsealercoatonapaintingofChicagoRivercommissionedbyanassistant districtattorneyhereinthecity.Hewantedmetopainttheviewouthishigh-riseofficewindow.
Ijumprightintomyworkinanefforttokeepmymindoffthefailedpregnancytestthismorning.I’mstillfeelingthe remnantsofmyemotionalreaction Iguessitwasthefinalnailinthecoffin,sotospeak Myperiodshavebeengettingmore andmoreerratic.
EachtimeIpeeonastickandamdisappointedbytheoutcome,thepainhitsharder Deeper Ineedtofacereality I’mgoingintoearlymenopause.
AndthatmeansIcan’tgivethemanIlovemorethanlifeitselftheonethinghedesperatelywants.
We’vealreadystartedtodiscussothermethodsofstartingafamily namelyadoptionandsurrogacy We’reopentobothof them.Iwasholdingouthopethatwecoulddoittheold-fashionedwaybutIthinkit’stimetoletgoofthatdream. AfterIapplyafirstcoatofvarnishtomycommission,IretrievemyphoneandcallmyOB-GYN’soffice
Whenthereceptionistanswers,IgothroughthespielI’verehearsedinmyheadhalf-a-dozentimesthismorning.“Hi.This isMollyFerguson I’dliketoscheduleanappointmentwithDr Shaw”
“Isthereadayortimethatworksbetterforyou?”thereceptionistasks. “I’dlikeherfirstavailable,ifyoudon’tmind.”
“Wejusthadacancellation,sothere’sanopeningtomorrowatnine Willthatwork?” “Yes,thankyou.That’llbefine.”
Iendthecallandtuckmyphoneintomyapronpocket
“Molly,iseverythingokay?”Christyasksfromthedoorway. Ijump,nothearingherapproach “Yes,fine”
Shefrowns.“Iwasjustwonderingbecause” shepointstome “youreyesarered.Ithoughtmaybeyou’dbeencrying.” “Oh.”Iwashopingitwouldn’tshow.“It’snothing.Butthanksforasking.Iappreciateit.” Christynods “Ifthere’sanythingIcando,letmeknow”
Thebellhangingoverthefrontdoorrings,indicatingwehaveacustomer.
“I’llgetthat,”shesaysasshestepsbackthroughthecurtain I’mgladmydoctor’sofficewasabletofitmeinsoquickly.EventhoughI’mafraidofwhatI’llhear,Iguessit’sforthe best.Weneedtoknow.
I needtoknow.
BecausethesoonerIacceptreality,thesoonerJamieandIcanmoveforward.
Ihatefeelinghelpless Molly’shurting,andIdon’tknowhowtoeaseherpain She’sbeenthroughsomuchalready first beatingbreastcancer,thenherass-of-an-ex-husbandabandoningtheirmarriage,andfinallysurvivinghisattempttokillher.It’s sounfairthatherownbodyisbetrayinghernow
Shewantssomuchtohaveachild webothdo.We’vebeenlettingnaturetakeitscourse,sotospeak,andinayear, we’vehadnoluck.Basedonhowirregularherperiodsare,Isuspectshemightbegoingintomenopauseearly.
I’mgladshe’sgoingtoseeherdoctor Thesoonerwegetadiagnosis,thesoonerwecandetermineournextsteps There’s morethanonewaytobuildafamily.
AfterIcleanupthebreakfastdishes,IgrabGus’shalteroffthehooknearthedoortoourapartment Hejumpstohisfeet andsitsinfrontofme,eagerlythumpingthefloorwithhistail.
“Readytogooutside?”
Hebarksonce.
“Allright.Awalkforyou,thenI’lldosomework,andthenwe’llgopickuplunchforMolly.Whatdoyousay?” Gusismyunofficialservicedog Whenhewasstillapuppy,histrainersdiscoveredhewasafraidofwater Thatputan endtohiscareerasaservicedog,butI’dalreadymethimandhadfalleninlovewithhim.Theagencyletmeadopthimasa pet Heperformswellenoughasaservicedog,thatisunlessit’sraining Thenallbetsareoff Whenit’swetoutside,hestays in,safeanddry.
Thismorning,GusandIheaddownstairs “Jamie,hi!”
IstopatthesoundofChloe’svoicecomingfromthemailroom.“Hey,Chloe.How’sitgoing?”
Shestepsoutintothefoyer “I’mgood IsawMollythismorningasshewasleavingforwork” Icanhearthehesitationinhervoice.“Oh?”
“Iseverythingokay?Shelookedabitstressed”
Isigh,unsurehowmuchtosay.ThisisMolly’sprivatebusiness.Ifshewantstoshareitwithothers,shewill.“She’sfine. Shewasjustinahurrytogettothestudio.”OfcourseIcan’tgaugeChloe’sreactiontowhatIsaidbyherexpression,butshe doesgoquietonme,whichtellsmealot.
“Good,I’mgladtohearit.”
AsChloeletsherselfintoherapartment,GusandIheadoutside Insteadofturningright,whichwouldtakeusrightpast Molly’sstudio,wegoleft.Idon’twanthertothinkI’mhovering.Ihaveatendencytobeoverprotective,especiallywhere she’sconcerned She’sentitledtoherspace Besides,I’llseeheratlunch That’ssoonenough GusandIcrossthestreettothepark,wherewecanwalkatrailthattakesusthroughthetrees.Withmyelectroniccanein onehand,andGus’shalterintheother,Icannavigatejustaboutanywhere,aslongasit’snotraining,ofcourse.ThenI’mon myown.Therewilllikelyberainlater,butthismorningthecoastisclear.
Afteraforty-minutewalk,wereturntotheapartment.Gusfollowsmeintomyofficeandcurlsuponhisdogbed,whileI gettowork IplaybacktheaudioonthelastchapterIwrote,andthenIdictatethenextchapter Imanagetogetanentire chapterdonebeforeit’stimetothinkaboutlunch.
ItextMollytoletherknowI’mjustabouttophoneinourlunchorder Sheasksmetoorderlunchforherassistant,too Anhourlater,Ishowupatthestudiowithfoodforthree.
“Jamie,hi!”ChristysayswhenIwalkintotheshop.
Shemeetsmehalfwayandtakesthefood Itwasquiteajugglingactcarryingtwosacksoffoodwhileholdingmy electronicsightseeingcane.
“Aw,noGustoday?”Shesoundsdisappointed ChristyisquitefondofGus “No.”Ichuckle.“Itmightrainthisafternoon,soIdidn’twanttoriskit.” Christylaughs “I’msorry,Jamie,butyourservicedogisbroken”Shecarriesthefoodtothebackroom “Lunchishere!” shecallstoMolly.“YourhandsomefiancébroughtussomedeliciousChinesefood.” “Perfecttiming,”Mollysays.“Justletmewashup.”
IzeroinonMolly’slocationbythesoundofhervoiceandwalkinherdirection Ipropmycaneagainstthekitchencounter andpullherintomyarmsforakiss.“Missme?”
“Yes Always Sitdown,andI’llgetusdrinks Whatwouldyoulike?” “Water’sfine,”Isay.
“Sparklingwaterforme,”Christysaysassheunpacksthebags
Whileweeat,Mollyasksmehowmybookisgoing.Iaskherhowhercommissioniscomingalong.Theonedestinedfor somefancylawofficedowntown.
Aftershe’sdoneeating,Christythanksmeforlunch.Sheofferstopayme,butIdecline.“It’smypleasure,”Itellher. Whenwe’realone,Mollysays,“IhaveanappointmenttoseeDr.Shawtomorrowmorning.”
“Good I’mgladyoucalled Doyouwantmetocomewithyou?”I’mhopingshesaysyes Iwanttobethereforher,to supporther,butifshewantstodothisalone,Ihavetorespectthat.
“Iwashopingyouwould,”shesays “We’reinthistogether,right?Sowe’lldealwithittogether” “Right.”
Mollysoundsupbeat,andI’mtryingtosoundconfidentforhersake,butIthinkwebothknowhowthisisgoingtogo And I’mafraidit’sgoingtobreakherheart.
Thenextmorning,asI’mgettingdressedtogoseeDr Shaw,Jamiepopshisheadthroughthebedroomdoorway “Readyto go?”
“ReadyasI’lleverbe”I’vebeendawdlingallmorning Mystomachisinknots Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeensonervous I slipmyshoesonandgrabmypurse.“Allright.Let’sgo.”
WeleaveGusathomesinceI’llbetheretoserveasJamie’sguide.
It’saquicktriptomydoctor’sofficeintheGoldCoast Wewalkinside,andIletthereceptionistknowwe’rehere Fortunately,wedon’thavetowaitlongbeforeanursecallsusback.Shetakesmybloodpressureandrecordsmyweight.Then we’reledintoanexamroom
Thenursehandsmeasmallplasticcontainer.“Weneedaurinesample.”Shepointstoalinenearthebottomofthecup. “Atleastthatmuch Therestroom’srightdownthehall Lastdooronyourright”
Isighafterthenurseleavesus.“I’llberightback,”ItellJamie.
AsIwalkpasthimtothedoor,hesnagsmyhandandsqueezesit.“It’sgoingtobefine,honey.Nomatterwhat.Just rememberthat”
Isqueezehishandinreturn,butdon’tsayanything.I’msoclosetotears,Idon’ttrustmyselftospeak.WhenI’mdoneinthe bathroom,Ihandthecollectioncuptothenurse,who’swaitingnearby Shesitsmedowntodrawabloodsample,andthenshe sendsmebacktotheexamroomtowaitforDr.Shaw.
JamieandIsitinsilence,theairheavywithtensionanddread Oratleast,I’mfeelingit
There’saquietknockonthedoor,andamomentlateritopens,andinwalksDr.Shaw.She’satall,statuesquewomanwith shortblondehair.“Hi,Molly,”shesays,givingmeawarmsmile.ShelooksatJamie.“AndyoumustbeJamie.It’sapleasure tomeetyou”Shepullsawheeledstoolawayfromthedeskandtakesaseat,facingus “I’msendingMolly’sbloodworktothe labfortesting.”
InodandsqueezeJamie’shand
“However,Ididrunaurinetestin-house.”Shelooksatme.“AndIperformedapregnancytest.Itwasnegative.Andyour FSHleveliselevated.”
“Andthatmeans?”Iask.
“Areyouexperiencinganysymptomssuchashotflashesornightsweats?”sheasks. Myheartslamsintomyribs “No”
Dr.Shawnods.“Noteveryonedoes.Maybeyou’llbeoneoftheluckyones.Andit’sstillearly.” “So,I’minmenopause?”Iask
“It’spossible,yes.I’llknowforsurewhenIgetthebloodtestbackbutmyguessisyou’reinperimenopause thefirst stage.Youmightstillhaveperiodsonceinawhile.Youhavetogoanentireyearwithoutamenstrualcyclebeforeyou’re officiallyconsideredtobeinmenopause.”
Apainfullumpformsinmythroat,butI’mdeterminedtokeepmycomposure.“I’monly38.”
Dr Shawgivesmeasympatheticsmile “Iknow I’msorry Somewomenenterintomenopauseearlierthanothers It’s unpredictable.”
“DoesthismeanIcan’tgetpregnant?”
“No,notnecessarily.Butit’slesslikely,atleastwithoutmedicalintervention.There’sstillIVF.” Inod.“Isee.”
“WhenIgetthelabreportback,I’llcallyou”
“Thankyou,Dr.Shaw.”
Sheleavesus,andwesitinsilenceforafewmoments Finally,IstandandreachforJamie’shand “Let’sgo”
Thatevening,JamieholdsmeonthesofawhileIprocessmyemotions oratleasttryto Iturnedoffthelights,sowe’re sittinginthedark.Thedarknessisformybenefit.
Gusliesonthefloorbesidethesofa,wantingtobeclose He’shighlysensitivetohumanemotion “I’msosorry,”ItellJamie.“Thisisn’thowIenvisionedourlifetogether.”
Jamie,mysteadfastanchor,holdsmetightly.“Iknowyoudidn’t,butit’soutofourcontrol.”Hekissesmytemple.“Honey, IcanhandleanydisappointmentaslongasIhaveyou Iloveyou,andwe’regettingmarried Nothinghaschanged There’s
morethanonewaytobuildafamily.Wehaveoptions.”
Iknowwehaveoptions,butIstillfeellikeI’minmourning.We’velostsomethingprecious.IguessIalwayspicturedus havingalittleJamiewithauburnhair Nowthat’snevergoingtohappen
Theweekendcomesandgoes.Dr.ShawcallsMondayafternoontoconfirmwhatIalreadysuspect.I’minmenopause… perimenopauseatleast.I’lllikelyhaverandomperiodsforawhilelonger.There’sasmallchancethatIcanstillconceive. Verysmall,butnotimpossible AccordingtoDr Shaw,Ihavefewerviableeggsnow Sheputsthechanceofusconceivingon ourownattwopercent.
Inotherwords,notlikely
Forthenextfewdays,Idomybesttorallymyemotions.WhenIhurt,Jamiehurts,andthat’sthelastthingIwant. OnThursdaymorning,ChristyarrivesatthestudioshortlyafterIdo.
Midmorning,shecomesbackintothestudio “What’swrong?”sheasks “You’venotbeenyourselfallweek” Iswallowhard.“It’sokay.I’mjustdealingwithsomedisappointingnews.” “IsthereanythingIcandotohelp?IsitaboutJamie?”
“No,it’snotJamie.He’sbeenwonderful.No,it’sum Ifoundout ”Iblowoutaheavybreath.“JamieandIhavebeen tryingtoconceive,but ”Ishakemyhead “It’snotlikelynow I’minearlymenopause”Itakeadeepbreath “We’llget throughthis.It’sjusttough.”
TherearetearsinChristy’seyeswhenshesays,“I’msosorry.”Andthenshehugsme.“YouandJamiewouldbeamazing parents”
“Thanks,Christy.Maybesomeday.”
“I’mexpectingadeliveryofsuppliestoday,”ItellChristy “Wouldyouletmeknowwhentheyarrive?” “Willdo,”shesaysasshesortstheday’smail.Shefrowns.“It’sallbills.”
Ilaugh “Atleastyouonlyhavetoopenthem Ihaveto pay them”
AsIturntoheadbackintothestudio,Christysays,“Molly,wait.”
Istopandturnbacktoher.“Yes?”
“CanItalktoyouforaminute?”
“Sure.”Whatevershewantstotalkabout,itseemsseriousbasedonherexpression.“Whatisit?”
“You’veheardmementionmyoldersister,Melanie”
Inod.“Themedicalschoolstudent,yes.”
“She ”Christystopsashereyestearup
“What’swrong?Issheokay?”
“She’sfine.It’sjust ”Shestopsthere,andIwaitforhertocontinue.“She’spregnant.” “Oh”Thosewordshitmehard,andI’mnotsurewhattosay
ChristycontinuesbeforeIdecideonareply.“Itwasn’tintentional.She’sonthepill,andshe’sverycareful.Shenever missesadose But,still,she’ssevenmonthspregnant”
“Isee.”Christydoesn’tseemhappyaboutthenews,whichmeanshersisterprobablyisn’thappyeither.
“Melaniehadmadearrangementswithafamilythroughalocaladoptionagency,buttheiragreementfellthroughearlier thisweek.Melaniewantsanopenadoption,andthefamilyinitiallyagreed,buttheychangedtheirminds.Theywantaclosed adoptionnow.Melaniesaidno.Shewantstoknowherchild herdaughter.It’sagirl.Anyway,ItoldMelallaboutyouand Jamie,andshe’swonderingifyoumightbeinterestedinadoption Anopen adoption” Isitdownhardonthestoolbehindthesalescounterandsuckinabreath. Ababy?
I’mspeechless.
“She’sdueintwomonths,”Christysays.“Sothere’snotmuchtimeforhertomakeotherarrangements.Wouldyoube interestedinmeetingwithher?”
Mymindisreeling,mypulseracing.Isaythefirstthingthatpopsintomyhead.“IneedtotalktoJamiefirst.” Christynods “Ofcourse You’dlikeMelanie She’ssupersmartandverylevel-headed Sheknowsexactlywhatshe wants,andshe’sgiventhisalotofthought.WhatImeanis,youcantrusthertofollowthrough.”
Istand,managingtokeepmybalanceeventhoughitfeelsliketheroomisspinning “I’llcallJamie” Backintheartstudio,IcallJamie,who’sathomewriting.ItellhimeverythingChristytoldme. Thelinegoessilent.
“Jamie?”
“Sorry,”hesays.“Justgivemeamomenttoprocessthis.”
“DoyouwanttomeetwithMelanie?”
“Doyou?”heasks.
Nowit’smyturntogosilent Jamiewaitspatiently,andfinally,Isay,“Yes Ido Itcan’thurttotalktoher,right?Atleast hearherout?”
“Right,”hesays,soundingalmostrelieved.“Let’shearwhatshehastosay.”
WemakearrangementstwodayslaterforMelanietocometothestudiotomeetwithmeandJamie.Christywillbehere, too,thankgoodness,toactasago-between.WefiguredherpresencewouldmakeMelaniefeelmorecomfortable. Melaniewalksintotheshopatsix,rightatclosingtime.
She’snotwhatIexpected She’stallerthanChristy,andherhairisdarkbrown thesameshadeasmine She’swearinga maternitydress,ofcourse.She’sclearlyshowing.
“YoumustbeMelanie,”Isay,steppingforwardandofferinghermyhand Shetakesit,andweshake.Hergripisfirm,confident.“Yes,I’mMelanieMaitland.It’snicetomeetyou,Molly.Christy talksaboutyoualot.”
IgesturetoJamie,who’sstandingafewfeetbehindme “Thisismyfiancé,JamieMcIntyre”
JamiestepsforwardandoffershishandtoMelanie.Theyshake.“It’sapleasuretomeetyou,”hesays.
“Christytellsmeyou’regettingmarriedsoon,”Melaniesays.
Inod “Yes Onthe12thofDecember We’vebeentogetherforthreeyears Wejusthaven’tgottenaroundtomakingit official.”
Melaniesmiles “That’sokay Apieceofpaperdoesn’tmakeorbreakarelationship Christy’stoldmealotaboutyoutwo Shethinksyou’dbewonderfulparents,andheropinionisgoodenoughforme.”
“DidChristyhappentomentionthatI’mblind?”Jamieasks “IfiguredIshouldputthatoutthere Fulldisclosureandall” Melaniechuckles.“Yes,shedid.Shealsotoldmeitdoesn’tstopyoufromdoingwhateveryouwanttodo.”
“That’strue,”Isay.“Jamiedoesn’tletanythingstophim.”
Jamiegesturestowardthebackroom “Shallwegositdownandgettoknoweachother?”
Thefourofusgointothestudioandsit.There’salittleseatingareawithfourupholsteredchairssituatedaroundalow, squarewoodencoffeetable
“CanIgetyousomethingtodrink?”Iaskthesisters. Christypasses
Melaniesays,“Plainwaterforme.Thanks.”
Oncewe’reallsettled,Melaniepullsanotepadoutofherhandbagandflipsitopen.Sheobviouslycameprepared.“Ihave somequestionsforyou Doyoumind?”
“Notatall,”Isay.“Askaway.”
Sheproceedstogrillus,askingusabouteverythingfromourpoliticalviewstoourlifephilosophies,ourviewson religion,oneducation.Sheaskshowwethinkchildrenshouldbedisciplined.Sheasksifwebelieveinspanking.Sheasksus aboutourextendedfamiliesandwhetherornotthereareotherchildreninthefamily.Sheasksaboutourcareers,ourfinances, evenourcreditscores.
Whensheexhaustsherlist,sheinvitesustoaskherquestions.Wedo,coveringalotoftheterritoryshedid.
AftertwohoursofQ&A,sheasksuswhatisprobablythemostimportantquestiontoher “Areyouagreeabletoanopen adoption?Iwanttoknowmydaughter.Iwanttobeabletocelebrateherbirthdayswithher,Christmases.Iwon’toverstepmy bounds,andIwouldknowfullwellwhoherparentsare you Notme ButIdowanttohavecontactwithher”
“JamieandIhavediscussedthisatlength,”Isay.“Webothagreethatitwouldbeinthechild’sbestinteresttohavea relationshipwithherbirthmother.”
Jamieasksoneofthekeyquestionsthathavebeenonbothourminds.“Whataboutthefather?Wheredoeshestandinall this?”
Melanienodsasshepullsapieceofpaperfromherportfolioandhandsittome “He’salreadysignedawayhisparental rights.HeknowsI’mplanningtoputthebabyupforadoption,andhe’sokaywiththat.He’snolongerinthepicture,andhe’s chosennottobepartofherlife”
Inod,wonderinghowMelaniefeelsaboutthat.“Isee.Andwhataboutyourparents?Arethey ” “Ourparentshavebothpassed,”Christysays.“There’sreallynootherfamily.It’sjustmeandMelanie.”
Afterweallagreetotakesometimetothinkeverythingover,MelanieandChristyleave Buthonestly,Idon’tthinkthere’smuchformeandJamietothinkover.Thisisthechanceofalifetimedroppedrightinour laps Ican’timaginewe’dsayno
Whenwegethome,JamieandIsitonthesofatogetherasweprocesswhatwelearnedtoday “Whatdoyouthink?”heasks.
Isigh “Partofmethinksit’stoogoodtobetrue”
“Yeah,me,too.ButMelanieseemslevel-headed.Ibelieveshe’sthoughtthisthroughcarefully,andsheknowswhatshe’s doing.”
Isaythethingthatscaresmemost “Shecouldchangehermindatthelastminute” Henods.“Shecould.”
“Wedidn’taskher why shewantstogiveupherbaby,”Isay
“She’sinmedicalschool,”Jamiepointsout.“Theeducationisgrueling.Andthenit’sfollowedbyyearsofwork, residency,longbrutalhours Ifthebaby’sfatherisn’tinthepicture,Melaniemayhavedecidedshecan’thandlebothmedical schoolandbeingasingleparent.Itwouldbedifficult.”
“Isupposeso.”
“Whatdoyouwanttotellher?”heasks
Iturntofacehim,gentlycuppinghisface.Ibrushmythumbsagainsttheedgeofhischeeks.“Iwanttosayyes. ” “Me,too,”hesays.“Isaywetakeachancethatitwillturnoutallright.Thatshewon’tchangehermindwhenthebaby’s born”
“Alittlegirl,”Isaywistfully.“Wecouldbeparentstoababygirlinjustacoupleofmonths.Thisissounreal.”
“We’llhavetocancelourhoneymoonplans,”hesayswithachuckle WehadplannedtoflyouttoColoradotovisitJamie’ssisterHannahandKillian,herboyfriend,afterthewedding.We wantedtoseetheirnewWildernessExcursionLodge “Wecangoanothertime,whenthebaby’soldenoughtotravel” Jamiepullsmeclose.“You’llbeawonderfulmother.”Hekissesme. “Andyou’llbeawonderfulfather.”
“Let’sbebraveandtrustthis,”hesays “Let’sbecomeparents”
“Okay.I’llhopeforthebest.”ThetruthisIdon’tknowifIcanhandleanotherdisappointment.Istandandtakehishand. “Let’sgotobed”
WhileI’mgettingundressed,JamietakesGusoutforhisfinalpottybreakofthenight. Whenheslidesinbedbesideme,hecupsmyfacesotenderlyIcouldcry Thenheleansintokissme Islidemyarms aroundhimandpullhimagainstme,warmfleshagainstflesh.Mysoftbodyagainsthishardone.
Whenhetracesmyfacewithhisfingertips,Iclosemyeyesandindulgehim.Thisishowhe sees theworld withhis fingertips Herunsthemacrossmyforehead,tracesmyeyebrows,thendownthebridgeofmynose Hebrusheshisthumbs overmycheeks,thentracestheoutlineofmylipswithanindexfinger.
IalwayswonderwhatpictureJamiehasformedofmeinhismind “WhatdoyouthinkIlooklike?”Iaskhim Heknows myhairisbrown,asaremyeyes.Buttheresthehastoimagine.
“Whatdoyoulookliketome?”Hepausesamoment,thinking.“IonceaskedShanetodescribeyou.Hedid,very thoroughly,soIknowyou’reabeautifulwoman.Buttome,whenItouchyou” hecupsmyface “Ifeellove.Home.Security. Comfort.Doesthatsoundsappy?”
“No”Myvoicebreaks “Itsoundsbeautiful”
Heslipshishandsdowntomysides,thenaroundtomyback.Whenheleansintokissmeagain,Imoan,thesoundsoftand plaintive,andhechuckles
That’sallthego-aheadheneeds.Heslidesawarmhandbetweenmylegs,andhisdeftfingersgotowork,teasingmeand makingmeacheforhim.
Hekissesthetenderspotonmyneck,andthenhislipstraveldowntomysternum.Iknowwherethisisheaded.Healways makessureIcomefirst,forsakinghisownpleasureuntilheknowsI’vehadmine.
Hepepperskissesdownmychest,pastmybelly,tothemostsensitivepointbelow Henudgesmylegsopenandsettles himselfbetweenthem.
Jamieknowsexactlyhowtomakemewritheandsquirmwithpleasure Whenhestrokesme,Igasp Whenhistongueflicks myclitoris,Ishiver.Andwhenheslipsalongfingerinsidemeandstartsrubbingthatsweetspotdeepinsideme,myback archesoffthebed.Andwhenhedoesitallatonce,mypleasureskyrockets,andI’mleftstrugglingtocatchmybreath.
Myarousalquicklyclimbsuntilmylegsareshaking Mybellyclencheshotly,asdothemusclesbetweenmylegs “Jamie” “Mm.”Butnothingbreakshisconcentration.
Whenmyorgasmhitsme,itstealsmybreath Everymuscleinmybodytenses Everynervesings Mybodyarchesonce more.Hesurgesuptokissme,hismouthcatchingmycries.Hisbighandscradlemyfaceashismouthdevoursmine.
Hereachesbetweenusfinally,takesholdofhiserection,andguidesittomyopening I’msowetnow,soflushand aroused,hehasnotroubleslidinginside,slowlyanddeep,alltheway.
Imoan,revelinginthefeelofhim.Hefillsmesoperfectly,likeourbodiesweremadeforoneanother.Bracinghisweight onhishands,hestartstomovewithlong,fluidstrokesinandout HeknowshowmuchIlovethat Feelinghiscontrolled powerdoesdeliciousthingstomybodyandmind.
AsIstareupintohisbeautifulface,Iseethathiseyelidsareclosed Hedoesthatwhenhe’sfeelingvulnerable,whenhis emotionsarerunninghigh.Ican’tresistreachinguptotouchhisface.Myfingertipsdancesoftlyacrosshischeeks,thenhis temples Heturnshisfaceintooneofmyhandsandpressesatenderkissonmypalm
Hismovementspickupspeed,andthedeliciousfrictionofhiminsidememakesmeshiver.Whenhisjawsclench,andhis armmusclestighten,Iknowhe’sclose.Icuphisfaceandpullhimdownforakiss.“Comeinsideme,”Iwhisper.“Fillme.”
Thatlittlepromptisenoughtopushhimovertheedge Hisbodytensesandhismusclesgrowtautashisorgasmhitshim hard.Ifeeltheheatedrushinsideme.Hischestisbillowing,hislungsworkingovertime,andhekissesmewithshakinglips.
Afteronelast,deepthrust,heremainsseatedinsideme Herollstohisside,keepingusjoined Hisarmsarearoundme, holdingmeclose,andwebothslowlycomedownfromthehigh.
Eventually,hereleasesmesothathecanexploremyfacewithhisfingertips.Ismile,lovingthefeelofhisfingersonmy face,skimmingacrossmybrow,downthebridgeofmynose,andacrossmymouth.
“You’resmiling,”hesaysquietlyashetracesthecurveofmylips.
Afterwecleanup,wereturntobed Ilieonmyback,andMollylaysherheadinthecrookofmyshoulderandarm I strokeherback,asusual.Whenwe’reinbed,Ican’tseemtokeepmyhandsoffher.
It’simportanttomethatshe’shappy,anditkillsmewhenshe’ssadorhurting Iknowrightnowalotweighsheavilyonher mind,andIwishIcouldfixit.Butinthisinstance,Ican’t.
Shewantssomuchtoconceiveachild ourchild.NomatterhowoftenItellherit’sokaythatshecan’t,thepainstill lingersinherheart
Yes,Iwantchildren,butIwanthermore.IwillalwayschooseMolly.
AfterIsufferedlife-alteringinjuriesinthemilitary,myidentitywasshaken,aswasmyself-confidence Shegaveallthat backtomeandsomuchmore.Shegavemeafuture.Iowehereverything.
Itrynottofocusonwhatcan’tbe,butratheronwhatcan We’vebeengiftedwithanopportunitytoadoptababygirl Adoptionitselfoffersallkindsofrisksanduncertainties.Whatifthebirthmotherchangeshermind?Itcanhappen.Ifthis opportunityleadstodisappointment,I’llcope.Ialwaysdo.ButIhatetheideaofMolly’sheartbeingbroken.
Morningarrives.IknowthisbecauseGusisstandingatmysideofthebed,hisbig,boxyheadrestingonthemattress.I reachoverandscratchhisshortfur “Youneedtogoout?”
Herespondswithaquietchuff.
“Okay”
Carefully,IextricatemyselffromMolly’sarmsandheadtothebathroomfirst.ThenIthrowonapairofjeansanda sweatshirt,socks,andgrabmyrunningshoes
IfollowGusdownthehallwaytothelivingroom,whereIhearhimpickuphisharnessandbringittome,placingthe handlecarefullyinthepalmofmyhand.
“Goodboy,”IsayasIstrapitonhim
Afterpocketingmykeysandphone,andthrowingonajacket,Iexittheapartment,lockthedoorbehindme,andletGus leadmedownthestairstothegroundfloor IrealizeIforgottocheckthemorning’sweatherreport Ijusthopeit’snotraining Guswaitspatientlyformetoopenthedoor,andwejogdownthestepstothesidewalk.Heautomaticallyturnsleftand leadsmetothecrosswalk Atthesoundofthesignalchime,heleadsmeintothestreet,andwecrosstothepark Thisearly,there’snoonearound.Onlyafewcarspassby.
Oncewereachthegrassyarea,Gusleadsmeoffthesidewalkontothelawn,wherehedoeshisbusiness.
He’sdonesoquickly,Iknowheonlyhadtopee That’susuallyhowitgoes Hisfirsttripoutsideistopee Therestwill happenafterhehasbreakfast.Fortunatelyforme,he’sverypredictable.
Wereturntothepavement,andIwalkhimafewblocks,justtogivehimsomeexercise We’llgoonalongerwalklater thismorning,afterbreakfastandafterMollyleavesforwork.
Whenwereturntotheapartment,Molly’sup,inthebathroomgettingready.AfterIremoveGus’sharness,Istarton breakfast.
Mymindisalreadyworkingonwhatchangeswe’llneedtomakeonceweadoptournewbaby.We’vediscusseditat length Ifweshouldbecomeparents,we’llmovetomyfamily’sgated compound that’swhatmysisterLiacallsit It’s basicallyasmall,privategatedsubdivisioninLincolnPark.Shanepurchasedallofthelotsonacul-de-sacandinstalleda mannedsecuritygateattheonlyentrance Mostofmyfamilylivestherenow,exceptforme,Liam,andHannah
There’saspechousenearingcompletionthatwouldsuitusfine.Itjusthappenstohaveaperfectspaceinthebackforan artstudio,withlotsofwindowsfacingsouthforthebestsunexposure.Idoubtthatwasarandomdesignchoice.Shanemust haveknownwe’dbemovingtothecompoundeventually.
BreakfastisjustaboutreadywhenMollywalksintothekitchen.
“Goodmorning,”shesays,leaninguptokissmycheek “DoIsmellblueberries?”
“Yep.Blueberrypancakes.”Igrabablueberryfromthecolanderandpoponeintohermouth.“Igotagoodbatch.” “Mm I’llsetthetableandpourthecoffee”
WhileMollysetsthetable,Iscrambleuphalfadozeneggsanddropsomebreadintothetoaster.
“HasGuseatenyet?”sheasks.
“Yes Andifhetellsyouotherwise,don’tbelievehim He’slying”
Shelaughs.Gushasareputationforbeggingforhumanfood.
Aswesitdowntoeat,Itellherwhat’sbeenonmymindthismorning.“Iftheadoptiongoesthrough,Ithinkweshould movetothecompound Whenwehavekids,we’llwantthemtobeabletoplayoutsidewithoutworryingabouttraffic Plus, it’llbenicetoliveclosetotheirgrandparentsandcousins.”
“Their? You’respeakinginplural,”shenotes
Ishrug.“Ifigurewe’llwantmorethanone,right?It’lltaketime,buteventually.”
“Right”Shechuckles “Withnearlyallyourfamilycloseby,ourkidswillhavebuilt-inbabysittersandplaymatesgalore” “Thenyou’reokaywithit?”
“Movingtothecompound?”sheasks.“Sure.Ican’timagineabetterplacetoraiseachild.”
“Orchildren”
Shelaughssoftly.“Yes.Or children. ”
AfterMollyleavesforthestudio,GusandImakeourselvescomfortableinmyoffice Ibootupmydictationsoftwareand pickupwhereIleftoffthedaybefore.Atthemoment,thestory’sheroispinneddownoutsideasmallmountainvillagein Afghanistan,surroundedbyTalibanfighters Hewasonareconnaissancemissionwhenhe’sseparatedfromhisspecialops unit.Theoddsareagainsthimashewaitsforevac.
Evennow,yearslater,Icanstillhearthesoundsandrememberthesmellsofthemountainterrain.Icanhearthelaughterof Afghanichildrenplayinginthedustyroads
SometimesIwonderwhatmylifewouldbelikenowifIhadn’tbeeninjuredincombat,ifIhadn’tlostbotheyes.I’dstill beservingintheTeams IneverwouldhavereturnedhometolivewithShanewhileIrecuperated Ineverwouldhavemoved outonmyown,andIneverwouldhavemetMolly.
Iwouldn’ttradeanythingforthat.Idon’tneedtoseetobehappy,notwhenIhavetheloveofanamazingwoman.
Shakingmyselfoutofmyreverie,IreturntothebookI’mwriting.It’smytwelfthmilitarythriller.Imaynotbeanactive NavySEALanylonger,butbasedonmyownexperiencesI’llneverrunoutofstoriestotell.It’smywayofstayingconnected tomyfellowSEALs
Rightafterlunch,IcallShane.
“Hey,what’sup?”heasksashetakesmycall
“Gotanyplansforthatspechouseyou’rebuildinginthefamilycompound?”
“God,pleasedon’tcallitacompound.Thatmakesitsoundlikeaprison.It’sbadenoughthatLiastartedcallingitthat.Not you,too.”
“Well,itfits.Anyway,iftheofferstillstands,MollyandIwouldliketomovein.”
“Ofcoursetheofferstands Thisisgreatnews Bethwillbethrilled SowillMomandDad Butwhythesuddenchangeof heart?IthoughtyoutwowerehappyinWickerPark.”
“Weare Butwe’vebeenofferedanopportunitytoadoptababygirl Herduedateisintwomonths,justaweekafterour wedding.Wethinkit’stimeforustothinkaboutmovingclosertofamily.”
“Ababy?That’sfantastic!Howdidthiscomeabout?”
“You’veheardMollytalkaboutherassistant,Christy?”
“Theyoungwomanwhorunstheretailshop?Yes.”
“Christyhasasisterwho’slookingforacoupletoadoptherbaby Ifeverythinggoeswell,thatcouplewillbeus” “DoesMomknow?”
“Notyet Ithoughtwe’dvisitthemthisweekendandsharethenews”
“Thehouseisyours,”Shanesays.“They’rejustworkingonafewlastthings.Youcanhavethekeysanytimeyouwant them.EnlistSophie’shelpgettingitfurnished.She’sbeenitchingtogetbackintointeriordesigneversinceMiawasborn.”
“IsDominicstillputtingupafussaboutSophiereturningtowork?”
“Canyoublamehim?”
“No I’llbethefirsttogivetheguyapass Ifsomeonetriedtokidnapmypregnantwife Idon’tevenwanttothinkabout it.”
“I’msogladyouguyshavefinallydecidedtojoinus We’llbeneighbors Yournewdaughtercanhaveplaydateswith LukeandAva,nottomentionalltheotherkidsinthefamily.Momshouldthinkaboutopeningadaycare.”
Aftermakingplanstomeetupthisweekend,weendthecall,andIgetbacktowork.Iwanttogetthisbookfinishedandoff tomyeditorwellbeforethewedding Withawedding,ababy,andanewhome,Ithinkwe’llhaveourhandsfull Butfirst,weneedtopaymyfolksavisit.
I’manervouswreckwhenwepullintothedrivewayofJamie’sparents’house Hecalledthemearliertodayandaskedif wecouldcomeover.Hismominvitedusfordinner.
“Youokay?”JamieasksmeasIpullintohisparents’drivewayandshutofftheengine “Yes.”
“Youhaven’tsaidawordsincewelefthome.”
“Sorry Mymindisracing Andtobehonest,I’mabitnervous”
Jamiereachesoverandfindsmyhand,bringsittohismouthtokiss,thengivesitasqueeze.“Myparentsaregoingtobe thrilled There’snothingtobenervousabout”
“It’snotthat.”
“Thenwhat?”heasks
“WhatifMelaniechangeshermind?”
Withasigh,Jamieleansbackinhisseat.“That’sariskwejusthavetotake.What’sthealternative,Molly?Tonoteven try?”
WhenIhearfrustrationedginghisvoice,IknowIcan’tletmyfearsruinthischanceforus.“You’reright.IguessIhatethe ideaofeveryonegettingexcitedforus,andthenthewholethingfallingthrough”
“Itwon’t.”
“Butwhatifitdoes?It’soutofourcontrol”
“Thenwe’llstartoverandtryagain.Wewon’tletaset-backstopusfrombecomingparents,right?”
Outofhabit,Inod,eventhoughIknowhecan’tseeme.“Right.”
Weexitthecarandwalkupthedrivehandinhand Jamiehashiscanewithhim,butrightnowI’mactingashisguide We leftGusathome.
Beforewereachthefrontdoor,itopensandBridgetstepsout “Hello,darlings,”shesays,armsopen “Welcome” Shehugsmefirst,thenJamie,andbythenCalumhasjoinedusinthefoyer,andthehuggingcontinues.
WefollowJamie’sparentsthroughthehousetothespaciouskitchenandfamilyroomintheback.Thebigtable,whichis designedtoseat12,isalreadysetforthefourofus.
“Haveaseat,”Bridgetsays,gesturingtooneendofthetableassheheadsforthestove.“Food’sready.I’llbringitover.” “CanIhelp?”Iask
“That’sallright,sweetheart,”Bridgetsays.“Justsitandrelax.I’vegotitcovered.” Jamiepullsoutachairforme,andIsit Hesitsbesideme “Whatwouldyoutwoliketodrink?”Calumasks.
“Waterforme,please,”Isay.“Thanks.”
“I’mgrabbingabeer,”Calumsays.“CanIgetoneforyou,son?”
WhileCalum’sgettingourdrinks,Bridgetcarriesalargecasseroledishtothetable.“ImadeoneofJamie’sfavorites chickenandstuffingcasserole”
“AreyousureIcan’thelp?”Iask.
“Yes,”shesays “Now,helpyourselves,bothofyou” Aftershebringsoverabasketofwarmdinnerrollsandaplatterofroastedveggies,wedigin.
We’vehardlybeguneatingwhenthefrontdooropensandaforceofnaturewaltzesintothehouse.“Mom!” “Inthekitchen,honey,”Bridgetsays
Amomentlater,Jamie’syoungestsister,Lia,walksinwithherhusband,JonahLocke,whoisfollowingatamuchmore sedatepace
“Wesawyouguyspullup,”Liasaystome.“Oooh,isthatthechickenandstuffing?”
“Yes,”Bridgetsays “Getyourselvessomeplatesandjoinus”
“Youdon’tneedtoaskmetwice,”Liasaysasshepullstwoplatesfromthekitchencupboard. Jonahgrabsutensilsandthetwoofthemjoinus.
“So,how’sitgoing,Molly?”Liaasksasshereachesfortheservingspooninthecasseroledish “Sellinglotsof paintings?”
“It’sgoingwell,andyes,I’vesoldanumberofpaintingslately”
Jamiesnagsarollfromthebasket.“Shewasjustcommissionedforthreepaintingstohanginthestatehouse.”
“Ooh,fancy,”Liasaysasshehandsherhusbandaroll
Whenthedoorbellrings,Ibitebackachuckle.Iswear,theMcIntyreshavebuilt-inradarwhenitcomestofamily gatherings.Evenimpromptuones.
Thedooropens,andamomentlaterAidenrunsintothekitchen.“Hi,Grandma!”hesaysashegivesBridgetahug.Thenhe looksrightatJamieandme.“DaddysaidhesawUncleJamieandAuntMolly.”Heeyesthefoodonthetable.“CanIeatwith you?”
“Sure,”Liasaysasshemotionsforhernephewtotaketheopenseatnexttoher. Amomentlater,Jakeandhiswife,Annie,walkintothekitchen Eachhasatwinbabygirlperchedonahip Nowthatthe twinsareabitolder,it’seasiertotellthemapart.Everly’shairisslightlydarkerthanEmerly’s.AndEmerly’shairisabit curlierthanhersister’s Theybothhavebig,beautifuldarkeyesliketheirfather EmerlysquealswhensheseesBridget,throwsoutherlittlearms,andtriestolaunchherselfathergrandma.
“Sorrytobargeinonyou,”AnniesaysasshehandsEmerlyintoBridget’swaitingarms.
“Familyisalwayswelcome,”Bridgetsays “Grabsomeplatesandhaveaseat”
WhileJakeandAnniearegettingsituated,Calumdragstwohighchairstothetable,oneplacedbesideBridgetandoneby him
Despitethebigtable,wheneveryone’shere,folkshavetosqueezeinaroundtheextrachairsandhighchairs.It’sgetting moreandmorechallengingasthefamilygrows Justwaituntiltheyfindoutwe’regoingtoneedyetanotherhighchairbefore long.
I’mwonderinghowmuchlongerit’llbebeforetherestofthefamilyarrives.Andsureenough,tenminuteslater,thefront dooropens
Lukecomesrunningintothediningroom.“Mimi!”hecriesashelauncheshimselfatBridget.
BridgethugsLukeandkissesthetopofhisspikywhite-blondhair “Hello,sweetheart”
Calumstandsagain.“I’llgetthetoddlerchair,”hesaysashedragsittothetable.
“Wehopeyoudon’tmindafewmore,”Shanesaysasheandhiswife,who’sholdingtheirdaughter,Ava,walkintothe kitchen.
They’renotalone,though.SophieandDominicwalkinrightafterthem.DominiciscarryingMiainababyslingstrapped tohisbroadchest
“Hi,Mom,”Sophiesaysasshebendsdowntokisshermother’scheek.“Ihopeyoudon’tmindifwejoinyou.Wesaw JamieandMolly’scaroutfront”
“Themore,themerrier,”Bridgetsays.“Grabsomeplates.”
Andthisiswhy,whenBridgetMcIntyrecooks,shemakesa lot offood.Becauseit’sinevitable whenoneMcIntyre showsup,therestofthemhaveatendencytomaterialize.
Asanonlychild,IsometimesfindtheMcIntyreclantobeabitoverwhelming.They’realottotakeallatonce somany peopletalking,somuchlaughter,somuchkiddingaround Rightnow,twoexcitedlittleboysaretryingtobeheardoverthe adults,andwithfourbabiesintheroom,oneofthemisboundtobecryingatanygivenmoment.
Butthere’salsosomuchunconditionallovehere,too It’spalpable
Themealprogressesamidstallthechatterandtheclinkingofsilverware.Whenit’sover,everyonehelpsclearthetable andputthedishesinthedishwasher.Andtheneveryonegathersinthespaciousfamilyroomtovisit.
JamieandIendupseatedtogetherononeendofasofa Helayshishandonmylegandgivesitasqueeze “Doyouwantto tellthem?”heasks,hisvoicelow.
BridgetbringsupthefactthatIhaveanappointmentthisweektotryonmyweddingdress,tomakesureallthealterations arecorrect.
“I’llcomewithyou,ifyoulike,”SophiesaysasshejugglesasquirmingMiaonherlap Dominicreachesforthebaby.“Here,letmetakeher.”Thebabylookssosmallproppedagainstherdaddy’sbroadchest. “I’llcome,too,”Bethsays.
Whileeveryone’sspeculatingonmyweddingdressfitting,IleanclosetoJamie “Whydon’tyoutellthem?”Isuggest I knowhe’sdyingto.
Jamietriestosuppressagrin,butIcantellhowexcitedheis Inudgehimwithmyshoulder “Goahead” Jamieclearshisthroat.“Hey,guys.MollyandIhaveanannouncementtomake.” Hisdeepvoicecutsthroughthechatter,andsuddenlytheroomgoesquiet
“Youmeanbesidesthefactyoutwoaregettinghitchedsoon?”Liaasks.Hercommentisaccompaniedbyquietlaughter. “Yes,”Jamiesayswithagrin.“Besidesthat.”Hesqueezesmyleg.“Idon’tthinkit’sasurprisetoanyofyouthatMolly andIwouldliketostartafamily” Suddenly,theroomgrowseerilysilent.They’reprobablyexpectingustoannouncethatI’mpregnant.
“Thetruthis,we’vebeentrying,forawhilenow,”hesaysquietly “Neitheroneofusisgettinganyyounger” Moresoftlaughter.
Icouldkisshim.I’mthreeyearsolderthanJamie,andthankstogoingintomenopauseprematurely, I’m theonlyoneofus withatimelimitontheirbiologicalclock. Me.Buthewouldneverresttheblameonme.
“We’vebeenconsideringadoption,andasitturnsout,Molly’sassistantatthegallery,Christy,hasasisterwho’spregnant
andlookingforacoupletoadoptherbaby.Well,tomakealongstoryshort,we’vemetwiththebirthmother hernameis Melanie andshe’sagreedtoletusadoptherchild.”
Excitedvoicesfilltheroomaswe’rebombardedwithquestions When’s the baby due?
Do you know the sex?
Jamieliftshishand.“I’lltellyouwhatweknowsofar.Thebaby’sdueaweekafterourwedding.Talkaboutinthenickof time”
Morelaughter.
Aidenrunsuptous,Stevietuckedsecurelyunderhisarm.“UncleJamie,pleasetellmeit’saboybaby.”
Jamiegrins “Sorry,Aiden Thebabyisagirl”
“Aww,”Aidensays,frowning.“It’snotfair.Therearealreadyfourgirlsinourfamilyandonlytwoboys.LukeandIare outnumbered Weneedmoreboys!”
Jamiereachesouttorufflehisnephew’sbrownhair.“Don’tworry,pal.Ihaveafeelingthere’llbemorebabiesjoiningthis family You’llgetyourboyseventually Justbepatient”
“Thisissoexciting!”Bridgetsays.“Haveyoupickedoutanameyet?”
“Notyet,”Jamiesays.“We’restillprocessingthefactwe’reabouttobecomeparents.” “You’llneedanattorney,”Shanesays “I’lltalktoTroy”
TroySpencer,attorneyandapersonalfriendofShane,representsboththebusiness McIntyreSecurity,Inc. andthe family
Talkturnsmoregeneral,althoughthere’sasenseofexcitementintheair.Thisfamilylovesbabies.
DominichandsMiatoJamie.“Here.Youneedthepractice.”
Jamiecradleshisnewestniecetohischest,hishandssureandgentleasheleansdowntotalksoftlytoher.Seeinghim withMiabringsalumptomythroat.
Speakingofbabies,thetwins EmerlyandEverly getpassedaroundtheroom,fromoneadulttoanother Avais currentlysleepinginBridget’sarms.
Beforeweleavefortheevening,Shanepullsusasidetodiscussplansforustomoveintothehouseunderconstruction “Thetimingisperfect,”hesays.“Thestructureiscompleted.It’stimetopickouttheappliancesandflooring,allthefunstuff. Ifyouwant,I’msureSophiewillbehappytohelpyou.”
AsmuchasIhateleavingourapartmentinWickerPark,whichisjustblocksfrommyartstudio,itmakessenseforusto movehere.
Whenwearrivebackhome,JamietakesGusoutforawalkandpottybreak
“It’llbeniceforGustohaveayard,”Isaywhentheyreturn.“Wecanjustopenthebackdoorandlethimout.AndI’msure Aidenwillloveplayingwithhim”
JamieremovesGus’shalterbeforehejoinsmeinthekitchen.Withoutaword,hepullsmeintohisarms.Myarmsgo aroundhiswaist,andIleanintohim.He’smystrength.Nomatterwhatchallengesfaceus,IknowIcanrelyonhim.
“Everything’sgoingtobefine,”hesaysquietly,asifhecanreadmymind Sometimes,I’mconvincedhecan Yes,he’slost hissenseofsight,butIthinkhisothersensesaregreatlyenhanced.
“Ihopeso”IwishIhadhisoptimism,butunfortunately,I’mmoreofarealist SomanythingscouldgowrongthatI’m afraidtobehopeful.
Thegrandfatherclockinthelivingroomchimesthehour teno’clock Jamietakesmyhand.“Cometobedwithme.”
Thelow,evenrumbleofhisvoicesendsashiverthroughme.WhenI’minhisarms,Icanbelievethateverythingwillturn outallright
Thatnight,hemakesslow,gentlelovetome,whisperingsweetnothingsinmyear.Hiswarmbreathrufflesmyhair, sendingthemostdeliciousshiversrightthroughme Ihonestlydon’tknowwhatIdidtodeservethisman
Iclosemyeyesandsighasherunshisfingertipslightlyacrossmyface.It’ssuchanintimateact.Hecanreadmyevery expression mysmiles,myfrowns
Eventually,thosefingerstraveldownmybody,skimmingovermyflatchest,postmastectomies.Hetracesoneofmyscars. Andthenhisrighthanddipsdown,belowmybelly,totheheatedspotbetweenmylegs.Histouchisdiabolical,asheknows exactlyhowtoarouseme,leavingmebreathlessandtrembling
Bythetimehefinallyentersme,I’msoprimedandreadymyorgasmisalmostinstantaneous.WhenIgasp,hekissesme, drawinginthesoundsI’mmakingasmybodyfliesapart Hethrustssteadily,hismovementsslowatfirst,thewayIlikeit Beforelong,hepicksupspeedthough,ashisownpleasuretakesover,andhechaseshisownorgasm.Whenhecomes,hisarm musclestighten,hardasrocks,andhisjawsclench.Hekissesmehard,asbothofustrytocatchourbreath. Slowly,webothcomedownfromthehigh.Aftercleaningup,wecuddleinbedforawhile,bothofusgrowingdrowsy. Jamiewrapsmeinhisarmsashespoonsmefrombehind.“We’regoingtobeparents,”hewhispersintomyhair.
Ismilesleepily.“Yes.” I hope so.
“You’regoingtobeagreatmom,”hesays.
“Ourdaughterwillbeluckytohaveyouforadad”Andisn’tthattheunderstatementoftheyear?
“Haveyouthoughtofanynames?”heasks.
“Notreally Idon’twanttojinxit” Hechuckles.“Ihaveasuggestion.”
“What’sthat?”
“Hazel.Itwasmymaternalgrandmother’sname.”
“Aw,that’ssweet.”
“Doyoulikeit?”heasks
“Iloveit.HowaboutHazelJane?”
“Perfect,”hesays,andthenhekissesthebackofmyhead “HazelJaneMcIntyre”
Thenextmorning,aswe’reeatingbreakfast,Jamiesays,“Ithinkweshouldplayhookytodayandgoshopping” “Shopping?DidIhearyouright?Yousaid shopping?”IlaughbecauseJamiehatestogoshopping.
“Weneedsuppliesforthebaby Youknow clothes,blankets,diapers,toys” “Anewbornistooyoungfortoys.”
Heshrugs.“Okay,yeah,butthere’sstillalotofstuffwe’llneed somethingforhertosleepin,arockingchair,acarseat, bottles She’llbeherebeforeweknowit,Molly Weneedtobeprepared”
Myheartthrillsattheideaofshoppingforbabysupplies,butthecautiouspartofmethinksweshouldn’tgetaheadof ourselves Idon’twanttojinxthis “Youdon’tthinkit’stoosoonforthat?”
Helaughs.“Toosoon?No.We’vegotalottodoandonlytwomonthstodoit.Isaywestartnow.”
Iknowhe’sright “Okay”
“Yeah?”
“I’llcallChristyandletherknowI’mnotcomingintoday.”
Jamiegetsupandstartstoclearthetable Ijoinhim.“Whydon’tyoutakeGusout,andI’llfinishcleaningthekitchen?”
Hekissesmycheek “Deal”AndthenhewhistlesforGus
Wedecidetosetoutonfoot.There’sachildren’sboutiquejustafewblocksfromourapartmentbuilding.It’sprobably pricey,butIfigurewecanstarttomakeadentinourshoppinglist
Assoonaswestepinside,mygazegoesrighttoarackofadorablebabyclothes.Inaturallyzeroinonthelittledressesin pink,white,cream,paleyellow,andaqua.They’readornedwithcharmingpatternsofbabyanimals.Immediately,myheart achesbecauseJamiecan’tseethesedarlingfabricsforhimself Icandescribethemtohim,ofcourse,butIdon’tthinkit’sthe sameasseeingthemforhimself.
Weenduppurchasingawhitewickerbassinette,mattress,andfittedsheets Wepickoutsomeonesies,sleepers,afew dresses,socks,knithatstokeepherheadwarm,receivingblankets,burpcloths,abottlewarmer,glassbabybottles,and diapers.Wearrangetohavetheheavieritemsdeliveredtoourapartmentlaterintheweek.Wetakethelighteritemswithus.
Afterweleavetheshop,wewalkanotherblocktoourfavoritebistro,wherewestopforsandwichesandcoffee.
“Areyousureyou’reokaywithmovingtothefamilycompound?”Jamieasksaswestarteating.“There’sroomforastudio atthenewhouse Youcanpaintthere,andChristycanmanagetheshop”
Ipoursomecreamintomycoffee.“Ithinkit’sagoodidea.I’llneedtogiveChristyaraiseasshe’llhavemore responsibilityifI’mnotthereasoften Icandomostofmypaintingatthehouse,whichisawin-winbecauseitmeansI’llbe homewithyouandwiththebaby.Wemightneedsomeonetohelpoutwhilewe’rebothworking,orwecantaketurnsjuggling ourworkschedulesandchildcare.”
Jamienodsashechews.“IknowMomandDadwillwanttohelpoutwithchildcarewhenweneedanextrapairofhands. AndI’msureyourparentswillwanttohelpaswell.”
Afterwefinishoursandwiches,wesplitagiantchocolatechipcookie Wepaythebillandthenheadbacktowardhome Jamie’scarryingmostofourbags.IhavemyarmlinkedthroughhissoIcanguidehimdownthesidewalkandaroundany obstacles
Upahead,directlyinourpath,Ispotarough-lookingyoungmaninaheateddiscussionwithamucholdercouple.The olderman,clearlywellintohiseighties,hashiswalletout.Hishandshakesashecountsoutbills,whilethewomanwithhim, presumablyhiswife,looksworried
“Jamie,”IsaysharplyasItightenmygriponhisarm.
“Whatisit?”Hisvoiceiseven,matter-of-factnow Mytoneofvoicehasputhimonalert
“Aheadofus,ayoungmanlookslikehe’saccostinganelderlycouple.I’mnotsure,butIthinkhe’srobbingtheminplain daylight”
“Tellmewhatyousee.”
“He’sprobablyinhislateteensandwearingrippedjeans,blackboots,andablackleatherjacket.He’sgotalotoffacial tattoos Ithinkthey’regangsymbols He’sgesturingaggressivelyattheman’swallet Theman’shandsareshaking,andthe womanlooksscared.”
“Howfarahead?”
“Attheendoftheblock.”
“Takethese”Jamiehandsmeourshoppingbags Thenherestshishandonmyshoulder “Keepwalking Stopafewfeet awayfromthem.”
Idoashesays,butthecloserweget,themoresureIamthatthisguyisrobbingthesepoorpeople.Whenthekidshiftshis
stance,Icatchaglimpseofawicked-lookingknifetuckedintoasheathattachedtohisbelt.“Hehasaknifeinasheathonhis rightside.”
Whenwe’reabouttenfeetaway,Istop Jamiestopswithme “Allofit,oldman!”thekidsays.“Now!” “Molly,stepback,”Jamiesays
IhateleavingJamieinharm’sway,butIknowhe’llbepreoccupiedwithmysafetyifIdon’t.Heneedstofocusonwhat’s infrontofhim SoIdoasheasks,movingbackseveralyards
“Everythingokayhere,sir?”Jamieasks,clearlyaddressingtheelderlyman.IwatchJamie’sbodylanguage,thewayhe loosenshisshoulders,howhebalanceshisstance.I’veseenthisbefore.He’spreparingforaction.
“I Idon’tknow,”thewhite-hairedmansaysinashakyvoice “Wewerejustwalking mywifeandI andthisyoung man ”
“Please,”theman’swifewhispersassheclingstoherhusband’sarm “Wejustwanttogo” “Whothehellareyou?”thekidasksJamie.“Whydon’tyoumindyourowndamnbusiness?”
“Movealong,”Jamietellshiminanevenvoice “Leavethesefolksalone” Thekidlaughs,histoneharsh.“Yeah,Idon’tthinkso.”
Peoplearestartingtonoticethealtercationnow.Someofthemmakeawidebertharoundthefourpeopleclusteredtogether onthesidewalk Otherscrossthestreettoavoidtheconfrontationaltogether
Mystomachisinknots.Isuspectthekidisundertheinfluenceofsomething,mostlikelydrugs.Andhe’scarryinga weapon,whereasJamieisnot
“I’mnotgoingtoaskyouagain,”Jamiesaystothekid.“Movealong.”
Asthekidwhipstheknifefromitssheath,theoldmanstumblesbackinsurprise,pullinghiswifewithhim. “Go,sir,”Jamiesaysashestepsbetweenthekidandthecouple.
Themanandwomandon’twastetimemovingoutofharm’sway,buttheydon’tleaveentirely.Theywaitatasafedistance towatchwhatunfolds
ThekidmovesclosertoJamie.“Youarebeggingtogetgutted,mister.”WhenhelungesatJamie,swipingoutwardwiththe knife,Jamiejumpsbackoutofthekid’sreach
Igrabmyphoneandcall911.Igivethedispatcheraquickdescriptionofthesituation.
Whenthekidmakesanotherswipewiththeknife,Jamiegrabshiswrist,bendsitbackasfarasitwillgo,andtwistshard. Thekidscreamsanddropstheknife,whichclatterstothepavement.Irunupandkickitaside,welloutofreach.
Thekidfallstohisknees,grimacinginagonyasJamiemaintainspressureonhistwistedwrist.“Letgo,asshole!”hegasps, thewordsbarelylegible “Letgo!”
Calmly,Jamiesays,“Call911,honey.”
“Ialreadydid,”Isay “They’reontheirway”
Jamiekeepsupthepressureonthekid’swrist,whichistwistedinanawkwardangle.Thekidispractically hyperventilatingashebegsJamietoreleasehim.
Justacoupleminuteslater,wehearabriefblastofapolicesirenastwopatrolcarspulluptothecurb Uniformedofficers exittheirvehiclesandquicklyassessthesituation.Oneofthecopssoonhasthekidlyingfacedownonthepavementandin handcuffs TheotherofficerisspeakingwithJamie
AftertakingJamie’sstatement,aswellasstatementsfromtheelderlyman,hiswife,andacoupleotherbystanders,oneof theofficerscollectsthekid’sdiscardedknifeandbagsitasevidence Theotherofficerreadsthekidhisrightsandloadshim intothebackseatofapatrolcar.
Astheofficersdriveaway,IjoinJamie.There’sathinribbonofbloodonhisrightforearm.“Hecutyou.”
Jamiegrimacesasheflexeshisarm “Iwasasecondtooslow Heclippedme It’snotserious” Ilinkmyarmthroughhis.“Let’sgohomesoIcantreatyourarm.”
“Leadtheway,sweetheart,”hesaysashetakestheshoppingbagsfromme
Afterwegethome,IwashthebloodfromJamie’sarmandapplyanantibioticointmentandabandage.Asthecut’snot verydeep,I’msureit’llhealjustfine
Sinceit’sonlymid-afternoon,Jamiedecideshe’llgetabitofwritingin.I’mstillfeelingabitshakenfromallthedrama thisafternoon,soIdecidetostayhomeratherthanmakeanappearanceatmygallery.
WhileJamie’sseatedathisdeskandnarratingthelatestchapterofhisnewbook,IgrabmyiPadandcurluponthesofain hisofficeandreadwhileheworks.I’mhavingtroubleconcentrating,though,asmygazekeepswanderingtoJamie.Ican’thelp studyinghishandsomeprofile Heseemsperfectlycalmandrelaxedashespeaksintoamicrophone I’mstillfrazzledbywhat happenedtoday.Thekidonlynickedhim,butitcouldhavebeensomuchworse.
Jamiecan’thelphimself youcantaketheformerNavySEALoutoftheservice,butyoucan’ttaketheherooutofthe formerNavySEAL.Jamie’salwaysgoingtobetheonewhorunstowarddanger,notawayfromit.It’shisnature.It’spartof whatmakesmeloveandadmirehimsomuch,butitalsoscaresme.He’sonlyhuman.He’snotinvincible.Andwithouthis
sight,he’salwaysgoingtobeatadisadvantage.
Ifinallygiveupontryingtoreadmyownbookandinsteadsitthereandlistentohimdictatehisnewstory.It’sabouta formerspecialopssoldierwholeavestheserviceandreturnstohishometowntohelprunthefamilybusiness It’spartmystery andpartthriller,butthere’salsoasignificantromanceelementtoit,whichIlove.Andhe’spromisedmeitendswithanHEA ahappyeverafterending It’sarealromance
Listeningtohishypnoticvoicelullsmeintoarelaxeddreamstate.ImusthavefallenasleepbecausethenextthingIknow, he’ssittingontheotherendofthesofa,massagingmyfeet
Igroan.“Oh,thatfeelsgood.HowlongwasIout?”
“It’ssix-thirty.Ifiguredafterwhathappenedthisafternoon,youcoulduseanap.”
“Whataboutyou?You’retheonewhowasatrisk Iwasjustabystander”
“Youcalled911.Thatwasabighelp.”Hepresseshisthumbsintothearchesofmyfeet,makingmegroanagain. Ilaugh “Yep That’sme Ahero”
“Howaboutsoupandsaladfordinner?”heasks.“I’mnotveryhungry.Whataboutyou?”
“Thatsoundsgood,especiallyifyouaddgarlicbreadintothemix”
“IthinkIcanmanagethat.”Hecontinuesrubbingthesolesofmyfeet. Suddenly,I’mnothungryatall,atleastnotforfood.Ipullmyfeetoffhislapandstraddlehim.
Hethreadshisfingersthroughmyhair
Ileanclose,pressingmychesttohis.ThenIkisshim.Hedoesn’tneedanyencouragementtodeepenthekissasheslides hishandsdownmysidestomywaist,thenaroundtocupthecheeksofmyass
“Newplan.Howaboutwepostponedinner?”Hepresseshisgrowingerectionagainstme.“SuddenlyI’mhungryfor somethingelseentirely.”
Feelingtheheatandstrengthofhimbetweenmylegsinstantlycreatesapulsingachedeepinsideme.
He’s a real-life hero. It’ssuchaturn-on.
Islidetothefloorandkneelbetweenhislegs “I’mhungryforsomethingelse,too,”IsayasIreachforthefastenerofhis jeans.Carefully,Islidethezipperdownandgivehimsomethingentirelydifferenttothinkabout.
“I,JamesEdwardMcIntyre,takethee,MollyAnnFerguson,tobemylawfullyweddedwife”
MybrothersanddadarestandingwithmeatthefrontofthegreatroomatShane’sKenilworthestate.Molly’sstandingin frontofme,andI’vegotadeathgriponbothofherhands DanielCooperisofficiating Mollylooksstunninginanivorysilkweddingdress.Iknowthisbecauseeveryoneinthisroomhastoldmeso.Herlong darkhairistwistedupintoafancytopknot,withloose,curlingtendrilshangingdown.Therearesprigsoftinywhiteflowers tuckedintoherhair
Iwouldgiveanythingtobeabletoseeherformyself.Overtheyears,I’vecometotermswithmyblindness.I’veaccepted it,andIdon’teverletitholdmeback Butrightnow notbeingabletoseemybrideatourownwedding it’shard I’m tryingtoshovethesorrowaway,thefeelingofloss,butit’sdifficulttoignorewhenitlodgesinmythroatlikearock.
Mollysqueezesmyhands,asignalthatsheknowsI’mstruggling
“I,MollyAnnFerguson,takethee,JamesEdwardMcIntyre,tobemylawfullyweddedhusband.”
Afterwereciteourvows,Cooper’sdeepvoiceringsoutclearly.“Bythepowersinvestedinmebythegreatstateof Illinois,Inowpronounceyouhusbandandwife Jamie,that’syourcue Youcankisshernow”
OurfamilyandfriendsseatedinrowsoffoldingchairschuckleasIpullMollyintomyarmsandkissthedaylightsoutof her I’vewaitedalongtimeforthisday Ittooksomedoingtogethertothispoint She had reservations Notreservations aboutusasacouple,butreservationsstemmingfromherhistoryofbreastcancerandhermastectomies.Andthentheinfertility issuesarose,whichdidn’thelpthesituationinhermind ButIwaspatientasIeliminatedherconcerns,onebyone Andnow,we’rehusbandandwife.
Mollyisthefirstonetopullawayfromourgrandpublickiss.Idon’tlethergofar,though.Ikeepholdofherhandas we’rebombardedbytheweddingparty Mybrothersanddadaremygroomsmen MysistersandMolly’sfriendChloemakeup thebridalparty.
“Oh,honey,”mymomsaysasshestepsuptohugme Hervoiceisshaky Icantellshe’sbeencrying “I’msohappyfor you,Jamie.You,too,Molly.”Momletsmego,andIhearherhuggingMolly.“You’reofficiallypartofthefamilynow,”Mom tellsher.“You’reoneofmygirls.”
Molly’sparentscometocongratulateus,andthenfriendsandtherestofthefamilyallstoptogiveustheirbestwishes. Nextcomesthecake.Mollydescribesthecaketomerightbeforewecutintoit.Wefeedeachothersmallbites,neatly, mindyou Nofaceslammingofcake Thenwesitdownattheassembledtablestoeatpropersliceswhilethecateringstaff serveourguests.
GinaCapelliistheoneresponsibleforthedeliciousweddingcake,aswellasforthehotappetizers Mydad,Jake,and Coopermanthebar,servingbeer,wine,andcocktails.Prettymucheveryoneisspendingthenighthere,sothealcoholis flowingfreely.
Ourphotographerhasbeenmakingherroundsthroughthegreatroom,snappingcandidphotosofourfamilyandfriends. Whileourguestsareeating,thephotographertakespicturesoftheweddingpartyandourfamilies.
Aftereveryone’shadcake,SophieinstructsMollytostandatthefrontoftheroomforthebouquettoss I’mstandingonthe sidelineswithShaneandtheguysasMollytossestheflowerstothewaitingladies.
There’sanaudiblecheerassomeonecatchesthebouquet,followedbylotsofexcitedvoices “Well,that’sinteresting,”Shanesays.
“Whocaughtit?”Iask.
“Erin,”hesays
“Doesshelookhappyaboutit?”
Shanechuckles “Shedoes Veryhappy,infact AndsodoesMackbecausehejustscoopedherupinhisarmsandis kissingher.”
“Good,”Isay “Shedeservestobehappy Theybothdo”
Amomentlater,Mollycomesupbesidemeandlinksherarmwithmine.“Erincaughtthebouquet.”
“SoIheard.”
“Ialsohappenedtonoticeshe’swearingaring IthinksheandMackareengaged” Afterthefoldingtablesarepushedtotheedgeofthespacetomakeroomfordancing,thefour-piecestringquartetwehired beginstoplay
“Ready?”Mollyasksme.
“ReadyasI’lleverbe”SheandIhavebeenpracticingourfirstdancefordays
TheroomgrowsquietasMollyandImakeourwaytothecenterofthedancefloor.AsthequartetbeginstoplayPerfect byEdSheeran,Itakemybrideinmyarmsandwebegintomoveasone.She’sleading,ofcourse,makingsurewedon’tbump
