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“ComeDanceWithMe”-BookOneElladineFireSteamyRomanceSeries.
MAY2017
SHAYNA
“Comeon,honey.Youcandothis.Justalittlebitlonger,”mymomencourages. She wipes myforeheadwitha cool clothandholds myhandas Itrytogetthroughthe lightningrodofpainpiercingmy body.
“I’msotired,Mom.Idon’tthinkIcankeepgoing.WhatwasIthinking?IneedTom.Ican’tdothisalone,”Ifranticallytell her,nearpanickingnow
“Baby,you’renotaloneandyoucanandwilldothis.Thisbabyisgoingtobetheluckiestlittleguyintheworldforhaving youashismomma”
Shesmilesatme,tryingtodistractmefromthecontractiongrippingmylowerabdomen.
Full-oncryingnow, notbecause ofthe physical pain thoughit’s hellacious butbecause I’msuddenlyslammed inthe chestwiththemagnitudeofallthathashappenedtheselastfewmonthsandallthat’shappeningrightnow.
“No,Mom.”Isob.“I’mnotready.Tomwassupposedtobehereforthis...hewasbetter.That’swhywetriedforababy. I’mscared”Ican’tstopthefloodofemotionspouringoutofmymouththroughmywords “Thisisn’thowitwassupposedto happen.WhatamIgoingtodo?Ican’tdo ”
“Listen,Shayna,”shesaysinherstern,butloving,momvoice “Don’tyousayyoucan’t Youcandoanything Anythingat all.Noonetellsyouthatyoucan’tdosomething evenyou!Iknowthisisn’thowthingsweresupposedtoworkout,butyou arenotaloneinthis.Doyouunderstandme?”
I’mcalmingdownagain,takingdeepbreaths,andnodding.Thereisnooneinthisworldlikemymom.She’samazingand empowering.IrepeatthemantraI’vehadonreplayinmybrainover thelastfour months sincewelostmyfiancé,Tom,and I’vefacedthingsIneverthoughtI’dhavetodealwithattwenty-one
“Ican,andIwill.Ican,andIwill,”Ipantoutinrhythm,asanothercontractionrearsitsuglyhead.
“That’smygirl You’vegotthis,baby,”Momsays,kissingmyforehead
Itdoesn’tescapemethatseveralofthenursesaretearyeyednowafterhearingourconversation.
WhenIarrivedherefourhoursagoandplacedapictureofTomonthenightstandsohecouldbehereforourson’sbirth, mynursesaidtome,“Youknowyoucanhaveyourmomandyourpartnerinhere,rightShayna?”
Icouldn’tbringmyselftoanswerherverballywithouthavingameltdown,soIjustnodded.Ihopeshedoesn’tfeeltoobad nowthatsheknowswhyTomisn’there There’snowayshecouldhaveknown I’mtornfrommytrainofthoughtasI’msuddenlyoverwhelmedwiththesensationthatmybodyissplittingapart,andit’s startingrightinmypelvis
“OhmyGod,what’shappening?Ifeellike…Shit!What’shappeningdownthere?”Icryout.
“OkayShayna,itlookslikeit’sgo-time,”themidwifesays,lookingupfromherspotbetweenmylegs.“Yourlittleguyis ready Ineedyoutopushnow”
FourexcruciatingpusheslaterwhenI’mconvincedIcannotgiveanymore,themostbeautifulwailingI’veeverheardfills theroom Aftersuctioninghisnoseandmouthout,thenurseplacesthesoft,tiny,beautifulbabyTomandImadeonmychest, andIcryagain.Happytearsnow.
“Heythere,littleguy I’msogladyou’refinallyhere,”Iwhisper,strokinghisvelvetyskintosoothehim “You’rethemost handsomeguy,Tommy.Just…justlikeyourdaddy.He’sgonnawatchoutforusboth,Ijustknowit.We’regoingtobejustfine, youandme.”
Ikisshimsoftlyonhishead,fullofdownyblackhair
Until this moment, I didn’t believe inlove at first sight. But holdingthis precious miracle inmyarms, knowingthat he representsalltheloveTomandIhadforeachother,I’minstantlyinlove Honestly,I'mscaredtoo,butI'lldowhateverittakes
toensurethislittleboyknowshe'slovedandsafe.LittleTommyisn’ttheonlyoneborntoday.Myinnermamabearistoo. Lifehasalreadythrownhurtatmypreciousboy,takinghisfatherawaybeforeheevergottoknowhim.I’llbedamnedifI everletanyoneoranythinghurthimagainifIcanhelpit
MY EYES ARE CLOSED BUT,asI’mwakingfromanap,Isensesomeoneisintheroomwithus.JustwhenI’mabouttopeelback myexhaustedeyelidstoseewhoitis,thesweetestconversationfillsmyears.Well,thesweetestone-wayconversation,since littleTommycan’ttalkyet
“Happybirthday,Tommy.I’myourUncleJack.Iknowwe’rejustmeeting,butI’mgonnabeyourfavoriteuncle.Don’ttell UncleBenIsaidthat,though”There’sapauseasJackclearshisthroat “I’myourmommy’sbrother,but butyourdaddywas oneofmybestfriends,too.Yourdaddy’snothere,buthe’dbesoproudofyouandyourmom.Iknowhe’sgonnawatchoutfor youandyourmommy…andI’llkeepaneyeonyouguysdownhereforhim.Ipromiseyouthat,buddy.”
Irealizethatifhesaysanymore,I’mlikelytobawl,soIstretchoutmyarmsandturntofacewhereIknowJackissitting. WhenIopenmyeyes,Ican’thelpbutsmileathowtenderlymysix-foottwo-inchbrotheriscradlinghistinylittlenephewis hisarms
“Hey,”Iwhisper,smilingatJackandTommy.
“Hey,Sis HopeIdidn’twakeyou,”hesays,withouttakinghisgazeoffTommy “No,youdidn’t.He’samazing,isn’the?”Iask.
“Hesureis.Quitethebirthdaypresentforyourtwenty-secondbirthday,too.IhavetothinkTomhadsomethingtodowith thetimingofhisarrival Isn’tthatright,littlebuddy?”hesays,nowcooingatTommyinahigh-pitchedvoice “I’dlike tothinkso.” Ismile,watchingas Tommynow has his tinyfingers wrappedaroundJack’s pinkyfinger.“Maybe youandMaggiewillbenext Youseemlikeanatural,”Iteasehim Hechucklesandsmiles,butitdoesn’tquitereachhiseyes. “I’mnotsosureaboutthat,Shayna IneverthoughtI'dsaythis,butmarriagewasaloteasierwhenIwasstilldeployed,” Jackadmits.
“Give ittime, Jack. Youand Maggie have spentmostofyour marriage apart. Youneed time to readjustnow thatyou’re backtocivilianlife”
“Iknow…listen,don’tworryaboutme,okay?I’mgoingtobefine,”hesays. Hehesitatesforseverallongsecondsbeforehelooksupatmeandstartstalkingagain “Hey, Shay? Iwantyouto know thatI’maware Icannever replace TominTommy’s life, butIpromise youI’malways goingtobethereforhim andyou Ipromised”Hepauses,wipingatearfromhischeek “IpromisedTomIwouldtakecare ofyouboth,andIwill always.”
Inod,unabletospeak,tearsstreamingsilentlydownmycheeks.
“NowIhaveoneseriousquestion,though Howolddoyouthinkhe’llneedtobebeforeIcantakehimonthefireengine?” Hesmirks,clearlytryingtolightenthemood.
ARLYDECEMBER2022
SHAYNA
“Whoa,Annie,youdidnottellmetherewouldbemancandyherehelpingusmovethings.IfyouhadIwouldhave gottenheresooner andwornsomethingotherthanyogapantsandthisrattycollegesweatshirt,”Iwhispertomyfriendandmy brotherJack’sgirlfriend,Annie,asIfindherinthebackbedroomoftheunitsherentsfromherlandlords,theDePaulfamily.
Imagine mysurprise whenIclimbed the narrow flight ofstairs to the unit she was rentinginthe converted brownstone homeandsawnotjustmytwinbrothers,JackandBen,andourfriendandtheirfellowfirefighter,CharlieFitz,butafourthman whoI’venevermetbeforeandwhoissmokinghot.Likefive-alarmfirehot.
“Who?”Shelaughs “Finn?”
“Um,ifFinnisthetallAdoniswiththesandybrownhairandgorgeouschestnuteyes,broadshouldersandinked,muscular arms,then,yeah…Finn.” Ismirk.
“Oh,yeah,he’sanewfirefighterdownatStationThreeonBshiftwithJackandFitz.He’shelpingusmovemystuffoverto Jack’shousetoday Wantmetointroduceyou?”sheasks Shestartstomakeherwaybackouttothemainlivingarea.
“What?No!”Iwhisperyellather “Lookatme I’mahotmesstoday Ididn’tevenshower,”Isay,makingAnniechuckle Sheturnsandcomesbackintotheroom.
“Ooh,butifyoubecomefriends,maybehe’llhelpusmoveyouandTommy’sthingsintothisplacewhenyouguysmovein nextweek,”shesuggests.
“Ew, no. I don’t need a man to help me move. Well, I mean, except for my brothers and Fitz.” I laugh. “But they’re obligatedsinceI’mrelatedtothemandI’veknownFitzforever”
“I’mso happyyouand Tommywill live here,” Annie says, smiling. “You’re goingto love how well he and the DePaul twinsgeton”
“Ican’twait.I'mnottryingtobeawildchildoranything,butitwillbenicetohavetheoptionforsomeovernightcompany or to notsleep athome withoutmywhole familyknowingmybusiness onnights whenTommyis stayingover at Momand Dad's” Iwinkather.
“Shayna! Do you have a man-friend you’ve been keeping fromme?” Annie asks quietly I assume she’s hushed so my brothersdon’thear.
Unabletostopmyself,Isnort
“God,no.Justwishfulthinking.I’mprettysuremyhymenhasgrownback.It’sbeensolong.”
Laughing,weeachgrababoxfromthebedroomandmakeourwaytothediningroomarea.Theguysaretryingtofigure outthebestwaytogetsomeoftheheavyfurnituredownthethreeflightsofstairs Ipileafewboxesinmyarms,carefulnotto looktowardFinnsinceI’mprettysureIlooklikeanogretoday.
AnnieandItakeboxesdowntothecarandaremakingourwaybacktotheporchwhenloudgruntingfillstheair,coming fromthe stairwell. Annie can’t seemto stop herself frompeeking to see what’s going on, though she swore she wouldn’t supervise
I’mdistractedasIwatchasweatyFitzandFinnmaketheirwaydownthestepsandtothesidewalkwithastunningwalnut bookcase.Ican’thelpbutadmirehowFinn’stricepsflexwhilehe’sliftinghisend. Hmm, I bet he could actually hold his body up with just one of those arms
What?I’mthemotherofakindergartener,notdead ofcourseInotice.
I’mrippedfrommystaringsessionwhenAnnieyellsupthestepstomybrothers,asthey’recarryingthedeskthatmatches
thebookcasedown,“Heyguys,takeyourtimeanddon’tbustanut!”
Igasp and thensnortbefore Icangeta hand over mymouthto cover thatIamnow laughingatthe expense ofmydear friend I’mprettysureFinnsays,“That’swhatshesaid,”underhisbreath,andFitzislaughingaswell ThoughItry,Icanno longercontainmylaughterdespitemybestattempts.
“What?”sweet,naïveAnnieaskseveryone “What’ssofunny?”
BenandJackhavejustmadeittotheporchandsetthedeskdownbeforeJackturnstolookatAnnie,grinning.
“Annie,what,exactly,doyouthinkbustanutmeans?”
EvenBenislaughing.
WeallhowlevenlouderwhenAnnietellsJackthatitmeansyouliftsomethingtooheavyandgetahernia.PoorAnnie.My brotherwhisperswhatitreallymeansinherear,andsheturnsadeepshadeofredbeforesaying,“Sorry,guys Inowhavea betterunderstandingofthephrase,andImostcertainlydonotwantanyofyoudoing…thatwhileyouhelpusmove.”
FINN
StandingonAnnie’sgrass,I’mtryingtocatchmybreathaftercrackingupoverAnnie’sfauxpas.Isneakaglanceatthetiny little pixie ofa woman, Shayna, who is fuckinggorgeous. She’s gotlong, raven-colored hair thrownup ina ponytail, a tiny littleframewithcurvesinalltherightplaces,andstunningsapphire-tonedeyes.
I’veonlybeenafirefighteratStationThreeforalittleundertwomonthsnow,butwhenIoverheardJackaskingFitztohelp themmove Annie into his place this weekend, Ivolunteered to help as well. Jackand Fitzare mycoworkers, butI’ve also gottentoknowAnnieovermytimewiththefiredepartment She’stheassistantnursemanageratFirstCityER,wherewetake mostofourillpatientsonEMSruns.Theyallseemlikegoodpeople,andIcanusesomefriends,soIofferedtoassist.
ThatJack’sbeautifulsisterishereisjustabonus.WhileIsneakglancesather,Ichuckletomyself,thinkingaboutwhenshe firstgottoAnnie’salittlewhileago.Iwasstandinginthediningroomofthecoolbrownstonehousewiththeotherguyswhen thesoundofsomeonetrompingupthestairs,accompaniedbysighingandawoman’svoiceloudlycomplainingaboutitbeing tooearlyinthemorningforexercise,ascendedthestairs Whenshesteppedintomylineofvision,shejustgruntedatusalland walkedrightbacktothebedroomwhereAnniewas.JackandBenlaughedandexplainedshe’snotamorningperson,atleast withoutahealthyamountofcoffeefirst
SHAYNA
I’mstandinginJackandAnnie’sdriveway,tryingtoestimatehowmanymorefeetIhavetolugthisheavy-asswalnuttwodrawerfilecabinettogetitintothehouse.Damn,I’monlyaboutathirdofthewayupthedriveway.
Thankstoall thatisholy,we’vealmostfinishedmovingAnnie’sthingsintoJack’shouse Ididn’trealizethatImayhave gottenabitoutofshapeuntilIwasclimbingthestairstoAnnie’splace soontobemyplace earlierthismorning. Lookingbackdownatthecabinetandtryingtofindthemotivationtokeepgoing,Imuttertomyself,“Ok,Shayna,onceyou getthisinthehouse,youcanhaveanothercupofcoffeeasyourreward.Gotit?”
Grabbingthecabinetbytheside,Isquat,preparingtolift,andlookup.IquicklystanduprightwhenIseesexyfirefighter Finnwalkingtowardme Idiscreetlywipemyfaceonmyshirtsleevesohedoesn’tseethesweatmustacheI’msporting Shit, he’s hot.
“Hey,littlelady,thatlookstooheavyforyou I’llgetit,”hesays I’msureImusthaveheardhimwrong Didhereallyjust callmelittlelady?Nothingcanruinaman’shotnesslikehimopeninghismouthandsayingsomethingstupid.
“Excuse me? What the fuck did you just call me?” I practically spit, now pissed as hell. Yep, make me mad, and my trucker’smouthcomesout.Irecognizeitdoesn’ttakemuchtopissmeoff,butIcan’tbelievetheaudacityofhim.
Andthen,hedoesit…herollshiseyesatmelikeI’msomecrazychicandhasthenervetoreachforthefilecabinet.Ifullonlosemycoolnow IrealizeasI’mdoingit,Imayactuallylookcrazy,butIkickathimtokeephimawaywhileIholdonto thecabinet.ThankGodTommyiswithhispaternalgrandparentsandisnotheretowitnessmeswearingandhitting.
Christ, Shayna, great example here Then,eventhoughIdidn’treallymeanto,Igetashotin,rightonhisshin. Heyelps,backingaway.“Jesus,woman!Iwasjusttryingtohelp!”
“Youcalledmelittlelady,youasshole!I’mperfectlycapableofgettingthisinthehouse.Icertainlydon’tneedsomeHeMan-lookingmuscled-upchumptellingmewhatIcanandcan’tdo.And ”
“Okay,Xena,calmdown Iwon’ttrytocarrythecabinet Christ,”hesays,runningonehandthroughhishairandputtingthe otheronhiship.
“What the hell is a Xena?” I spit back, now angrily crossing my arms over my chest, prepping myself for a full-on argument.
“YouknowwhoHe-Manis,butnotXena,theWarriorPrincess?Howsuperfeministofyou,”hesayssarcastically I’mstaringathimnow,tryingtothinkofmynextcomeback,whenInoticethatmybrother,Jack,hasmadehiswayouttothe drivewayandgrabbedthecabinet Shit,IletmyselfgetsodistractedbyFinn’sbadbehaviorthatIdidn’tevennoticeJackwalk up.
“Hey!”IyellatJack,butheignoresmeasheclimbsupthefewstepsintothehouse Finnhuffs,glaringatmewithwideeyes,hisbrowfurrowed.“Whydidn’tyoukickhim?” “Growup,”Ihiss,thenstalkpasthimtowardthehouse.
FINN
Icannotbelievethiswomanfuckingkickedme Whatarewe,inthirdgrade?Iturnandfollow hertowardthehouse My muchlongerlegsgetmetherebeforehertinylittleones,eventhoughshehadaheadstart.
“Afteryou,”Isaytoherwhenwereachtheporchsteps,unabletokeeptheannoyancefrommyvoice. “No,afteryou,”shereplieswithfakesaccharinesweetness,clearlytryingtopushmybuttons.
“Jesus,willyoujustfuckinggoin?”Isay,refusingtogoinfrontofher. Imaybeadickattimes,butIstillhavebasicmanners
“Fine,butdon’tlookatmyasswhenI’minfrontofyou,He-Man,”shesaysbitchily. “Iwouldn’tdreamofit, little lady,”Ianswerwithoutmissingabeat “God,you’resuchanasshole!”Shestompsupthesteps. AndI’mnotgonnalie.IstareatherasstheentirewayupbecauseIcan’tseemtotearmyeyesoffit.
NEWYEAR’SEVE2022
SHAYNA
Sittingonmycouch,I’mwaitingforEmily,oneofmybestfriendssincehighschool,togetheretopickmeupfor our New Year’s Eve celebration when my phone rings Looking down, Emily’s name scrolls across the screen, and guilt sweepsthroughmeasImomentarilyhopeshe’scallingtocancel.Iswipetoanswer. “Hi,Em,”Itrytosoundcheerful.
Thetruthis,I’musedtostayinghomewithTommyonNewYear’sEve,butsinceTommyandImovedoutofmyparents’inlawsuitelastmonth,theypracticallybeggedmetoletthemkeephimovernighttonight.Ithinkthemovemayhavebeenharder onthemthanonme
“Hey,babe.IjustwantedtoletyouknowI’maboutthreeminutesout.Areyouready?”Emilyasks.
“Yes,butIstilldon’tunderstandwhywehavetogosoearly.Andareyousureyoudon’tjustwanttostayatmyplaceand drinkwineandwatchchickflicks?”
“Shayna, we’ve discussed this,” she chastises me. “You need to have a night out where you can let loose and drink somethingotherthanjuiceboxes”Hervoicesoftens,andthenshesays,“AndI well,it’smyfirstNewYear’sinalongtime withoutTeddy,soIjustneedtobearoundacrowdandloudmusictodistractme.Okay?”
Sinceherhusband'spassinginSeptember,Emilyhasbeennavigatingthedifficultaftermathofhisprolongedstrugglewith mentalhealth.
“I’msorry.You’reright,Em.We’regoingtohaveagreattime.”
I'mattemptingtoconvincemyselfjustasmuchasI’mtryingtoconvinceher.
“Thatweare!I’mjustpullingonyourstreet.I’llseeyouinaminute.”
Afewminuteslater,Emilywalksintomyplace,herarmsoverflowingwithclothes,whichshedepositsonmydiningroom table.
Shetakesonelookatmeinmyjeansandsweaterandsays,“Nope,nottonight,Shay Thisrighthere,”gesturingtome,“is whyIinsistedongettingheresoearly.Iknewyouwouldn’tlistentomeanddressup.So,Icameprepared.Nowlet’sfindyou somethingsexytowearsowecangetyousomeNewYear’smidnightlipaction.”
Shewinksatme,andIknowshe’sonamission
“Ugh.Comeon,Em.Thisisfine.I’mcomfortable,”Iwhine.
“No way, girlfriend This is your nightout Tonight, youaren’tShayna, single mom You’re Shayna, the sex-kitten,” she teases.
Ican’thelpbutsnort I’mnotsurethere’sahiddensex-kitteninsidemelikeEmimplies Fortunately,andmaybeunfortunately,EmilyandIareaboutthesamesize,exceptmyboobsarebigger.BeforeIknow it, shepullsoutandthenforcesmetotryonacoupleofdifferentdressoptionsbeforesettlingonashort,sexy,redcocktaildress withlongsleeves and a scoop neckthatshows a bittoo muchofmycleavage, ifyouaskme Emily, ofcourse, thinks itis perfect.
She permits me to keep myhair downand straight but manhandles me into allowingher to applymymakeup, addinga smokyeyeandredlipstick.ItrytoreasonwithherthatIshouldstickwithamorenaturallook,butsheisn’thavingit.IadmitI canbe stubborn, but Emtakes it to a whole new level She needs this night out, after all she’s gone throughthis fall, so I quicklygiveupandgowiththeflow.
Anhourandahalflater,wewalkintoO’Riley’sBarfortheirNewYear’sEvecelebration,andI’mfeelinguncomfortable inmakeupIrarelywear,andadressthat,thoughkiller,makesmefeelexposed Clearly,I’mnottheonlyonedressedup,but it’sjustnotwhatI’musedto.I’malsonotusedtoall theglancesI’mgettingfromthemeninthebar assoonaswewalkin. Thisdressmusthavesomesuperpowers
“Damn,Shay,I’mafashiongenius.It’sonlynine-thirty,andlookatalltheattentionyou’regettingalready.Ithinkthisdress isperfecttolandyousomelipactionwhentheclockstrikestwelve.”
“Oh,brother,”Ianswer,rollingmyeyesand,onceagain,Ican’tstopmyselffromsnorting You can dress me up, but you can’t take me out.
Emjustlaughsatme WeworkourwaythroughthecrowdtothetablewhereAnnieissittingwithmybrothers,Jackand Ben,aswellasCharlieFitz.EmilyplantsherselfnexttoFitz,andIsitbesideher.
“Hey,Sis,Em,”Jacksays,standingupandleaningovertogiveEmandmekissesonthecheek Mytwinbrothers are all-aroundgoodguys,butI’mprobablya little closer toJack.He was Teddy’s bestfriendandhas beenfriendswithEmsincehighschool aswell,seeingashow EmandIwereconnectedatthehipsinceour freshmanyear. Jacklooks outfor her Actually, all the guys inour friend circle do Ben, a police detective, drives byher place whenhe’s workingto make sure nothinguntoward looks like it’s goingoninthe neighborhood. Fitzhas beenhelpingEmilyout a lot aroundtheyardandhousesinceTeddydied
Ismiletomyself,thinkinghowluckywearetohavethesekindsofguysasexamples.I’dneveradmitittothem,butI’mnot settlingforsomeoneunlessthey’reastand-upguyliketheonesinthisgrouphere NotthatI’mlookingtodateseriously,period it’snottherighttimeinmylifeforthat.
“Whatdoyouladieswanttodrink?I’mgoingtoheaduptothebartogetAnnieanothercider,”Jacksays. WegivehimourordersandstartcatchingupwithAnnie,whileheheadsofftothebar
Afterafewminutes,IcatchmyselfwonderinghowTommy’snightisgoing.Itakemyphoneoutofmybagandtextmymom tomakesureTommyisokay heis WhenIfinishmytextingandlookup,Jackisapproachingthetablewithourdrinks,andI smileathim…untilIseethathe’snotalone.
Shit
“Heyeveryone,have youall metFinn? He was kindenoughtohelpme carryall these drinks backfor youlushes,” Jack teases.
EmilybeamsatFinnlikeshe’sneverseenanattractivemanbefore “Ihaven’thadthepleasure Nicetomeetyou,Finn I’m Emily.”
Sheleansovermeawkwardlyandreachesherhandacrossthetabletowardhim Heshakesit “Thepleasureisallmine,”hesaysallcharming.
Ican’thelpbutscowlasannoyancecreepsupintomychestathisfakecharm.I’llhavetoremindherTedBundywasalso charmingandlookhowheturnedout.
Justthen,Emilytakesherlegandshovesitintomine,whisperingthroughherteeth,“Smile.”
“Ouch,shit!”Iyelp,immediatelyrubbingmythighwhereherblowlanded “What’s the matter, Xena? Did youhurt yourself tryingto kickme under the table?” Finnjokes, witha wide smile and crinklingaroundhiseyes
Givinghimmydirtiestevil eye, Islylyscratchmyhead usingmymiddle finger. All itdoes is make himlaugh, and I’m pissedofftonoticethathehasanamazingdamnsmile.
Unfortunately,hesitshissexyassrightnexttomeandjoinsinontheconversationatthetable,likehe’splanningtostay Probablyjustsohecanruinmynight,I’msure.
Wheneveryonefallsintotheirownlittlesideconversations,heturnstomeandsays,“So,Ithinkwegotofftoaterrible start.Let’stryagain.Whatdoyousay?”
IeyehimwarilyforafewsecondsbeforedecidingI’llplayalong “Fine,yougofirst.Tellme…tellmefivethingsaboutyourself.”
He thinks for a moment before answering. “I’m Finn Bannon. I’m twenty-six, Taurus is my sign, I’m a firefighter for Elladine,and I’mamazinginbed,”hesays,whisperingthelastpartclosertomyearsoonlyIcanhear Irollmyeyes.“You’realsoanarrogantass.”Ismirk.“Myturn.I’mShaynaDonley,I’mtwenty-seven,Geminiismysign,I haveafive-year-oldson,andI’manurse”
I’msurethatwillgethimtoleavemealone.Guyslikehim,cocky,flirtyguys,aren’tinterestedinsinglemomsunlessit’s foraone-nightstand
Hiseyebrowsrisehighonhisforehead,andIamsurehe’sabouttosaysomethingaboutTommy,ortrytogetoutoftalking tomemorewhenheasks,“You’reanurse?”
“Huh?Yes,I’manurse Doyounotbelieveme?”That’snotwhereIthoughtthisconversationwouldgo Ichuckle.
“No, I believe you Do you work for First City?” he asks, looking sort of dumbfounded with his eyebrows squished togetherandaquizzicalexpressiononhisface.
“Yes,”Ianswer.I’mnotfollowingwhyhelooksconfused.
“Well,whyhaven’tIseenyouintheER,then?”Hetiltshisheadtothesideandscratchesathisfiveo’clockshadow.
“Finn,”Istart,thenpause,wonderingifhe’sscrewingwithme.“Youknowthateverynurseintheworlddoesn’tworkin
theER,right?Imean,youdohavetopassacivilservicetesttobeafirefighter,soyou’reobviouslynotentirelystupid.” Finngrinsatmycomment.
“So,what,youworkinsurgeryorICUorsomething?”heasks “Nope.I’mahospicenurse,”Isay,notbreakingeyecontact.
Hejuststaresatmeforanawkwardamountoftime Helooksacutelyuncomfortable,runninghishandthroughhishairand tappingonthetablewithhisotherhand.
“Why w-whywouldyouwanttodothat?Isitbecauseit’slesspressureorlessstressfulthan,like,ERorICU?”
Nowit’smyturntostare.Believeme,ifIcouldshootfireoutofmyeyesandtakehimoutrightnow,Iwould.I’mseething madanddon’ttrustmyselftosayanything,soIlookawayfromhim,grabEmily’shand,andsay,“Let’sgodance.”
AsI’mwalkingaway,hegrabsmywristgently,gettingmyattention
“WhatdidIsaywrongthistime?Itwasaseriousquestion.Iwasn’ttryingtobeadick…”
Turningbacktohimbriefly,Igivehimanincredulouslook,mymouthdroppingopenindisbelief
“Well,fornottryingtobeadick,youplayedthepartsuperbly.Takingcareofpeopleasthey’redyingisnotlowpressure orlessstressfuljustbecauseit’snotemergencymedicalservices,youcockyasshole”
Yankingmywristawayfromhisgrasp,Iturnandrushouttothedancefloor.
“Geez!Whatdidhesaytomakeyousoangry?”Emilyasks.
“Idon’twanttodiscussit Let’sjustdance”I’mdeterminedtoputtheencounterwithFinnoutofmymind
Andwedanceawaythenextfewhours,takingbreakstohavedrinksandconversationwithsomepoliceofficersfromthe nexttownoverwhoareherecelebratingaswell
Itrytohaveagoodtimeanddo,buteverytimeIcatchaglimpseofFinn,myangerresurfacesinstantly.Especiallybecause he’softenlookingbackatme,andIdon’tunderstandwhy…
FINN
I’veseenenoughfrommyperchatthebar,whereI’vebeennursingthesamebeerforthelasthourandahalfafterI,once again,pissedoffShaynaDonley.Iwouldhavebeenlonggonebynowifitwasn’tforShayna Ican’tseemtostopwatching hereventhoughit’storturesinceshe’shangingoutwithsomedickbagonthedancefloor
It’salmostmidnightandeventhoughIletafewoftheguysIwenttothefireacademywithtalkmeintocomingoutforNew Year’sEve,Iusuallystayin.IkindofwishIhadtonight.
Iwasabouttogohomearoundnine-thirtywhenthelittlehellcat,Shayna,walkedintothebarlookingstunninginashortred dressthathugshergorgeouscurvesinalltherightplaces.She’sdamnbeautiful.Herlongdarktressescascadedownherback, andshe’swearingblackstilettosthatmakeithardtotakemyeyesoffhershapelylegs
IsnaggedsometimewiththeirfriendgroupandsatnexttoShaynaforabit.Wehadalittlebackandforth,anditwasgoing well,until untilshetoldmeshe’sahospicenurse Fuck Ididn’texpectthat,andsuddenly,I’mathirteen-year-oldboyagain, watchinghisdaddieinahospitalbedwithtubescomingoutof…well,everywhere.
I don’t even remember what I said next, just that it infuriated her, and I messed up my second chance to make a good impression She gotso pissed, and Iclearlyoffended her IwishIcould remember myactual words to help me figure out why. She gave me a sterntelling-offand swiftlymade her wayto the dance floor. Fromthatpointon, she avoided the table entirely,andIeventuallyheadedbacktothebartocatchupwithmyacademyfriends
I'vehadnochoicebuttosettleforglimpsesofheronthebusydancefloor,whereshe'sbeenshakingandshimmyingwith theguy,whoIsuspectshejustmettonight He’snotbadlooking,Iguess Ifastockybuild,crewcuthair,andmusculararmsare her type, then he fits the bill. His meaty hands splay possessively over her waist, makingmy stomach turn. The smile she occasionallygiveshimisradiant,andI’dgivemyleftballforhertosmileatmelikethat.
Atsomepoint,closetomidnight,someblondegirlsidlesupnexttomeandattachesherselftomyside Sheandherfriends havebeenlingeringaroundmyacademybuddiesforthelasthourandahalforso.
“Hey,handsome Doyawannadanceormaybegotomyplace?”
Herslurredspeechfillstheairassheclingstome,herarmsdrapedlazilyaroundmyneck.Thestenchofalcohol onher breathisoverpowering,likestandinginthemiddleofadistillery.Lookingaround,asinkingfeelingwashesover mewhenI realizeherfriendsarenowheretobefound.
Great, just great.
Ipullthedrunkgirl’shandsoffmyneckandhelphersitonthebarstoolnexttome,keepingtabsonheroutofthecornerof myeye.
IkeepglancingoveratShaynaonthedancefloor,unsurewhyIcan’tstop,whenit’sclearshehatesme Idon’tknowwhere it’scomingfrom,butIwanttostandupandpoundtheasshatwho’sbeenhangingalloverherforthelasthalfhour.
Christ, what is wrong with me?
Ordinarily,ifawomanisn’tinterested,whichisn’tthatoften,Idon’tcare.So,whyisthisbotheringmesomuch?
As the clockstrikes midnight, Shayna turns her gaze uponme and catches me staringather. Squaringher shoulders, she breaksoureyecontact,thenstandstallerandkissesthedudeshe’sdancingwith Notjustasmallpeckonthelips,either She letshismouthclaimhers,andIfuckinghateit.
Notabletobearwatchingheranylonger,Istandtoleave Fuck IrememberIcan’tleavethedrunkgirlherewithnoone lookingoutfor her.Iquicklyconsider myoptionsandhastilytugher alongwithme.It'sclear Imadetherightcall whenshe willinglyjoinsmewithouthesitation
It’s not what you ’ re hoping for, sweetheart. Onceoutsideandstandingonthesidewalk,IorderheranUber,requestingafemaledriver,andwaitwithheruntilthecar arrives,andshe’ssafelytuckedintothevehicleandonherwayhome
Then,sinceI’veonlyhadonebeerallnight,Iwalktowardmycarandheadhomeforthenight.Noone'scominghomewith metonight,butit’sShaynaDonleyI’llbethinkingofwhenItakecareofmyselflater
MID-JANUARY2023
SHAYNA
“Tommy,sweetheart,stayinthecarforaminutewhileImakeaquickcalltowork.IhavetotellthemI’mgonna bealittlebitlate Okay?”
“Okay,Mom.CanIplayagameonthetabletwhileIwait?”
Tommygrins,knowingheprobablyhasmerightwherehewantsme needinghimdistractedwhileIstepoutofthecarto makeacallaboutapatient Ichuckleathimandnodbeforeunbucklingmyseatbelt,passingthetablettohiminthebackseat, andgrabbingmyworkphone.
Iclimboutofthecarandwalkaroundtothepassengerside,oppositeTommy,justtobesurehecan’thearme,andsoifhe getstoorambunctiouswiththegame,hisexcitementwon’tdisturbmycall.Icallmybossandwaitwhileitrings. “Hi,Shayna,”mybossDianeanswers.“Iseverythingokay?”
“Hi,Di.Yep,everythingisfine.IjustwantedtoletyouknowI’llbealittlelatetoday.Tommydoesn’thaveschool,andmy brotherJackisgoingtowatchhimforme.I’mwaitingoutsidethefirestationforhimtofinishhisshift.Hewassupposedtobe done at eight, but Iguess there was a fire downtownlast night, and he’s finishingup paperwork It should onlybe another coupleofminutes.”
“Okay,noproblematall Doyouneedmetocallyourfirstpatienttotellthemyou’regoingtobeafewminuteslate?” ThankGodIhaveanunderstanding andhelpful boss.
“Thatwouldbegreat.I’mgoingtoseeToddCrutchen.CanyoujustlethiswifeknowI’llbeaboutfifteenminuteslaterthan Ithought?”
“Absolutely.JustgivemeoneminutetomakesureIcanfindhiminthecomputersystembeforeyouhangup,”shesays. I’m startled and jump when the black truck parked across from where I'm standing roars to life as its engine starts, interruptingthesoundofDianeclickingawayonherkeyboard.WhenIlookup,nooneisinthevehicle.
Damn remote starts a girl needs a little warning
Iglanceovertowardthefirehouse,andnoneotherthanhotbutirritating-as-hellFinnBannoniswalkingtowardthetruck. Ugh, way to make a crappy morning worse
Iquicklyanglemybodysomyfaceisawayfromhislineofvision Idon’twanttodealwithhimthisearlyinthemorning Dianespeaksagain.“IthinkIfoundit.They’reonEnidStreet,right?”sheasks. “Yep,that’sthem Thanks,Diane Ireallyappreciatethis,”Isay,keepingmyvoicequieternow,hopingFinnwon’tnotice me.
“Noproblematall Besafeouttheretoday Bye!”
“Bye,”Iwhisperbackandhangupthephone.
IsneakaglanceinFinn’sdirectiontogaugeifIcansneakbackaroundtothedriver’ssideofmycarwithouthimspotting me Damn,Ican’triskit he’stooclose Iparkedalmostrightuptothefence,soIcan’tcutacrossthefrontofmycareven thoughitwouldbeshorter.
Finnisalmosttothedriver’sdoorofhistruckwhenastunningwomanwithlongblondehairandabodyI’dkill tohave exitsthevehicleparkednexttohis.Shewalkstotherearofhercar,justtenfeetfromhim. “Finn,”shesaysinasultry,throatyvoice Ofcourse,shewouldsoundlikeapornstar Heturnstowardthesoundofhervoice,andhisshouldersdroopwhilehesimultaneouslyrunshishandthroughhishair. “Fuck…Ican’tfuckingbelievethis.”Theangerinhisvoiceispalpable. He’sshakinghisheadandletsoutaheavysigh Ishouldcompletelyturnaway,butIdon’t Damnit.Now,Idefinitelycan’tsneakpasthimtomydriver’sside.He’dhavetobeblindnottoseeme.
Okay, Shay, just turn away from him again and pretend to check emails until their little rendezvous is over and he
leaves.
IdojustthatandhopetheirencounterisfastbecauseI’mcold.
“Weneedtotalk aboutus,”theblondewomansays “Jesus,thereisnous.Howdidyoufindmehere,anyway?Ididn’ttellyouwhereIwork.” Finn’stoneisharsh,andIalmostfeelsorryforthegirl Butsheshowedupathiswork apparentlyuninvited “Comeon,Finn.Don’tbelikethis,”shewhines.
“Honey,desperationisnotagoodlookonawoman,”Imutterundermybreath
WhenFinndoesn’trespond,shetriesagain.“Itwasn’thardtofigureoutwhereyouwork,Finn.Whydon’twegobackto yourplaceandtalkaboutthings?Icanhelpyoude-stressaftersuchalongshift.”
Hervoiceissugarysweet,andIdon’tmissherveryclearinsinuationofhowshe’llhelphimrelax Nausearipplesthrough mystomach shemightactuallymakemepuke.
Jesus, chick Have some pride “Britney,wehavenothingtotalkabout.Iwasveryclearwithyouaboutwherethingsstandwithus.Thisisnothappening again Youneedtoleave Wewillnotbeinarelationship You’reactinglikeadamnstalker,”Finnpracticallysnarlsather “Finny,comeon,youknow ” “Isaidleave.Now.”Thewarningishisvoiceisalittlescary.
ThingsarebecomingsouncomfortablethatI’mdebatingtryingtoclimbbackintomycarthroughthepassengerdoor The onlythingthatstopsmeisI’mprettysureI’mnotgracefulenoughtopullitoffwithoutdrawingattentiontomyself.
“Fine Fuckyou,Finn,”thewomanhisses
Whoa, she changed her tune quick.
“You’dlikethat,wouldn’tyou?”Thesarcasminhistonemakesmewanttowalkoverandslaphimforher. “Screwthis.I’mtoocoldforthisshit,”Isaytomyselfandturnandwalkaroundmycartothedriver’sside.
I only make it a few feet, but it feels like a million miles away fromthe warmth of my car and all this drama, when suddenlyI'mstoppedinmytracks “Shayna.”
Finn’stoneisflat Hesaysnothingelse,justmyname Islowlyturnaround.Finnisstandingfivefeetawayfromme,andtheblondetakesoffpastusinhercar.SheflipsFinnoff asshewhizzesbyandhertiressquealasshepeelsoutoftheparkinglot. “What?”Iask,mytoneclipped. Hisgazeissearingme.
“Howmuchofthatdidyouhear?”Finnasksterselywhilerubbingathiseyeswithoneofhishands “Enough.Listen,Finn,I’mjustheretodropmysonoffwithJack.What orwho youdoisyourbusiness.”
FINN
Fuck As if I needed to give Shayna Donley any more ammunition to think I’m an asshole “It’snotwhatitlookedlike Orwhatyouprobablythinkit ”
“It’snoneofmybusiness,and,frankly,Idon’thavetimeoradesiretohearanexplanationofwhatitwasabout,”shesays sharply “Really?Isthatwhyyoustoodoutsideyourcarlistening?”Iaskher. Shit,whycanInotstopmyselffromsayingstuffI’msureisgoingtopissheroff?
“Iwasn’tintentionallylisteningtoyourconversation,youass.Iwasmakingacallandgottrappedoutsidemycar,tryingto avoid interruptingyour little soap opera. Freezingmyass offbecause youapparentlycan’tmake itclear to your flings that you’reaone-and-donekindaguy”
Ilookupattheskyandclosemyeyes,sighing,beforeIlookbackdownather.“Christ,whathaveIdonetomakeyouthink solittleofme?”Iaskher,unabletostopmyfrustrationfromleakingintomytone
“Oh,gee,Idon’tknow.Hmm,let’ssee.”Sheletsoutaforcedlaughandscratchesathereyebrow.“Maybeinsultedmeby callingme‘littlelady’and‘Xena’thefirsttimeyoumetme.Youcriticizedmychosenprofessionthesecondtimewehadthe displeasure of encountering each other New Year’s Eve remember? Oh, and let’s not forget you leaving the bar with a blondeyoujustmetthatsamenight.HmmFinn,cometothinkofit,itseemsyouhaveatype blondeanddesperate.Iknow yourkind You’recocky,rude,aplayer,andtheonlythingyouthinkwomenaregoodforistowarmyourbed” Shefinisheshertiradebycrossingherarmsoverherchestandbasicallydaringmewithhereyestosaysomethingback. Don’t do it, Finn Don’t say something back that’s just going to make her hate you more Istareatherforseverallongseconds,notresponding.Outofthecornerofmyeye,movementcatchesmyattention,andI turnmyheadtofindJackwalkingoutofthestation.
“Well,Shayna,sinceyouapparentlyhavemeallfiguredout,Iguessthereisnopointincontinuingthis conversation.Have agoodday.”
Andwiththat,Ipivotandwalktomytruck WhenIclimbintothedriver’sseat,Islammyfistagainstthesteeringwheelin frustrationbeforeIputthetruckinreverseandbackoutofmyspot,drivingoutofthelotandheadinghome.
Anhourlater,sittingatthekitchentable,I’mstillnotcalmfromtheencounterwithShayna WhyamIlettingthiswomanget tomesomuch?WhydoIevencareifshehatesme?It’snotlikeIhaveanyshortageoffemaleattentionwhenIwantit.Butit’s fuckingdrivingmeabsolutelymadthatthisoneparticularwomanthinksI’madouchebagandwantsnothingtodowithme AndIhaveabsolutelynoideahowtogetheroutofmyhead.
SHAYNA
Standingoutsideinthedrivewayinasweatshirtandsweatpants,Itakeadeepbreathandlookaround.Theweather isunseasonablyniceforlateJanuaryinOhio.Crispairstimulatesmysenseofsmellandtouchasitcaressesmyskin withgentlebreezesandtheluminoussuncreatesagorgeousblueskythat’satreattomyeyes Thereisnosnowontheground, andit’sfifty-sevendegreesout,soIdecidetotakeadvantageofthedayandgettheareaalongthebackfencecleanedupabit toprepareformygarden
Mybrother Jackand his fiancée, Annie, are ata weddingall day, so Tommyand Iare dog-sittingtheir pups, Beanand Grace.GracieisasvelteshepherdmixwhileBeanisabig,adorablechocolatelab.WhileTommyisdistractingthepupsby throwingaballforthem,IgotomysideofthegarageanddragoutthestonesIwanttouseforaborder,thememorialrocks I’vecreated,andthemostspecialpiece,aheavyconcretegargoyle.
GlancingupintermittentlytomakesureTommyandthedogsareokay,Igettoworkclearingthedebrisoutofthefive-byeight-footarea the DePauls, mylandlords, are graciouslylettingme use for mygarden. WhenIhave three full bags oflawn wasteandamsweatinglikeIdidn’tthinkpossibleinJanuary,Ilookup,andJulieDePauliswalkingtowardme
“Hey,Shayna,goodtoseeyou!”shesays.She’ssmilingbrightlyatme.“Ihopeyoudon’tmind.Ibroughtthegirlsoutto jointhefun.TheysawTommyandthedogsouthereandwantedtobringMaxouttoplay,too.”
“Oh,ofcoursenot!Hey,Maxie,”Icall
Ikneelandsmileastheadorablesixteen-week-oldyellowlabwithpawstoobigforhislittlebodyclumsilymakeshisway overtomeforsomepuppykissesandbellyrubs
“God,Julie,he’ssodarncute,”Isay.Iscratchhissoft,pinkpuppybelly.
Ican’tstoplaughingasMaxsmothersmewithwetpuppydogkissesandIbreatheinhissweetpuppybreath
“So…Ineedtotalkwithyou,”shesays,soundinghesitant.
Thetoneofhervoicemakesmerise,worriednow.
“Okay,Ihopewearen’tbeingtooloudoranything Justletmeknowifwe’redoingsomethingweshouldchange”Irubmy palmsdownmypantlegs.
“Ohno, it’s nothinglike that We love havingyouand Tommyas tenants We couldn’tbe luckier” She smiles and sighs “ButIwantedtoletyouknowthatwehavedecidedweneedtoputthehouseupforsale.Welovethishouse,butweneedmore spacebecauseI’mpregnant withanothersetoftwins”
“Oh, congrats…Wow, twins!” Ileaninand give her a quick, congratulatoryhug, thenstep backagain. “So, whendo we needtomoveout?”Iask,tryingtosoundhappyfor thembecauseIam,butIamalsotryingtohidemydisappointmentsince TommyandIbothloveithere
Julieputsherhandonherforeheadandshakesherhead.“I’msorry…I’mbeingconfusing.Youdon’thavetomove,Shayna. Ishould have started withthat We’re goingto putitinthe contractthatyour lease needs to be honored as partofthe sales agreement,”shesays.
“Really?Oh,I’msoglad!Weloveithere.”Ismile,gratefulthatournewhomecanstayourhome.“Doyouneedmetohold offonthe gardenprojectuntil we see whatthe new owner thinks?” Iask. I’malreadydreadingcarryingall this heavystuff backintothegarage.
“Absolutelynot”Shesmiles “Thisisyourhome,too Unlessyouobject,weweregoingtoputanaddendumtoyourlease thatweallsignbeforeitgoesupforsale,designatingthatthisareabackhereisyoursforthegarden.”
“Wow,that’ssokindofyou Butaren’tyouworrieditwillmakeitharderforyoutosell?”
Iappreciatetheirkindness,butdon’twanttomakethingsmorechallengingforthem.
“No,thisyardishuge.Ifsomeoneisn’twillingtoallowtheirtenantasmallpartoftheyardtouseforagarden,thenthey aren’tthetypeofpeoplewewanttosellto,”shesays.
“Julie,Ican’tthankyouenough.Ireallyappreciateyoulookingoutforus.I’llmissyouguys,butIamsogratefultoyou.” Overcomewithgratitude,Ihugheragain.
“Aw,thankyou We’llstillseeeachother,though”Shechuckles “Imean,nowthatI’mpartofyourbookclub evenifI blameitfortheconditionIfindmyselfin.”
Shewinks,thenpatsherbelly
Ican’tstopmyselffromlaughingoutloudatthat.I’mpartofabookclubwithAnnie,Emily,Emily’ssisterTrina,ourfriend Janie, and a few other ladies We call ourselves the Spicy Girls Once a month, we get together and discuss a bookinour favoritegenre,steamyromance.IhostedinDecemberandinvitedJulie,andnow…well,let’sjustsayshewasreallyintothe bookweread.
Igetbacktowork,andtwohourslater,Ihavethegardenareaedgedandborderedwithconcretestones Icreateacentral areawheremymemorialstoneswillgo,andpositionmygargoyleinthecorner,wherehewillguardoverthegarden.Standing backandlookingatit,Irealizeit’snotmuch,butitwillhavetodountilspringcomesandIcangetsomeplantsintheground
Lookingatmywatch,IrealizethatifIdon’tcallitadayandgetinthehousenow,I’llneverhavetimetoshowerbefore TommyandIhavetoleave
“Tommy,timetogoinandgetreadyforindoorsoccer,”IcallasImakemywaybacktowardthehouse.
FINN
“Hey, Mom, I’mhere!” Iyell outas Iwalkinto the breezewayofmymom’s house and kickmyboots off. Itake a deep breaththroughmynoseasthescentofwarmcinnamonassaultsmysensesinthebestpossibleway
TheSaturdaysafterI’monshiftthedaybeforearemyfavoriteSaturdaysofthemonth.Ihavethebestworkschedule...our city’sfiredepartmentsworkonthreeshifts,A,B,andC.Eachshiftworksafull twenty-four hoursonandthenofffor fortyeighthours.I’monBshiftandworkedyesterday,sowhenIgotoffthismorningateightAM,I’moffuntilMonday.Itworksout thatonceortwiceamonth,IworkFridayandthenhavetheentireweekendoff.They’remyfavoriteweekendsbecauseIgetto haveJessiwithmeallweekend
“Somethingsmellsgood.Cinnamonrollsor cinnamonFrenchtoast?”IaskasIwalkintothekitchenandgivemymoma kissonthecheek
“Cinnamonrolls.”Shesmiles.“Jessitalkedmeintomakingthemfortoday.” “Awesome!Youknowtheyaremyfav,andyoumakethebest.”
Itrytobutterherup,thoughit’snotalie
“DoyouknowifJessipackedfortheweekend,ordoIneedtogocheck?”Iaskher.
“She’spacked shewassoexcitedsheinsistedondoingitlastnight Justgrabacupofcoffeeandkeepmecompanywhile Ifinishcooking.”
“Soundsgood Itwasabusynightatworklastnight,soIcouldusethecoffee” “Youknow,Finn…youdon’thave tokeepJessi overnighteveryweekendthatyouhave a full weekendoff.I’dstill feed youevenifyoudidn’t.”Momsmilesatme.“Butseriously,youalreadytakeherforanightduringtheweek,andyouhelpso muchwithtakinghertoschoolandpickingher ”
“Mom,”Iinterrupther.“IdoitbecauseIwantto.IknowIdon’thaveto,butIenjoyit.Plus,youdeserveabreak.You’re nospringchicken,”Itease,tryingtolightenthemood Ieasilydodgetherolled-uptowelshethrowsmywayinretaliation Mymomturnstomeandwipesherhandsonherapron.“Iknowyouenjoyyourtimewithher,Finn.ButIworryyoudon’t havetimetodate,andmaybeifyouhadn’tbeensobusyhelpingmetakecareofJessi,thingsmightnothavefallenapartwith Britney…”
“Geez,Mom,”Isay,carefulnottoswearinfrontofher.“We’vebeenoverthis.Britneyendedourengagementbecauseof other issues ButI’mglad she did because, lookingback, Irealize thateventhoughshe was good atpretending, she never wouldhave acceptedthatmyinvolvementinJessi’s life wasn’ta passingphase.IthinkIdodgeda bulletthere.AndIdon’t needtodate I’mnotlookingtosettledown Myprioritiesareyou,Jessi,andwork Idon’tneedanydistractionsfromthat”I takeasipofthecoffeeI’vepouredformyselfandsavortheboldnessofit.It’sjustwhatIneedthismorning.
Momjustsmilesatme,butitdoesn’tmeethereyes.HowdoItellmymomthatBritneyendedthingsbecauseshewasangry thatIwouldn’tpayforherdreamweddingbydippingintothesizabletrustthatmygrandfatherleftme?I’mnotajerk.Iwas willingto workhardto give her the closestthingto her dreamthatIcould.ButIwasn’twillingto dipinto the trust that’s theretomakesureIcanalwaystakecareofMom,Jessi,and,ifmysistereverwantstogetherlifeontherighttrack,Rory WhenIlearned ofthe trustattwenty-one years old, Ipromised myselfthatIwould letthatmoneysitininvestments and grow,likeithas,soIcanensurethatMomandJessiarecaredforincaseanythingeverhappenstome TheonlythingI’lllet myselfuse itfor until ithits the three-million-dollar mark and it’s close is for housingfor our family. Ipaid offMom’s house already, and I’ll use itwhenI’mreadytopurchase one for myself. Otherwise, Idon’tneed itrightnow andIwantto
honormygrandfatherbybeingagoodstewardofthefundsheworkedsohardtobuildforthefutureofourfamily.Ilovemy job,anditaffordsmeallIneedtotakecareofmyselfandhelpMomandJessi.
Afterafewminutes,Mompullsoffherapron “CanyougotellJessiit’stimetoeat,please,Finn?”Istandandwalkover tothestepsleadinguptothesecondfloorofthehouse.
“Jessi-bell!Yourfavoriteuncleishere,andcinnamonrollsareready,”Iyellupthestairs “Finn,Icouldhavedonethatmyself,”Momscolds.
Afewsecondslater,joyfillsmyheartasthesoundofmybestgirlracingdownthestepsmeetsmyears,andIwaitforher atthebottomstep.
“UncleFinn!”shecheers,hurlingherselfintomyarmsfromthefourthstepupthistime. Squeezingherintoatighthug,Ikissherontopofherhead “Whoa,Jess,youdidonemorestepthanusual”
“Youtwo are goingto give me a conniptionfit, and Iswear, Finn, ifshe breaks a bone doingthose crazyjumps, you’re takinghertotheERthistime,”Momsays
“Aw,Grams,UncleFinnwon’tletmefall.He’llalwayscatchme,”Jessisays. Shit,thattrustshehasinmehitsmehardinthechest I’dgiveuptheworldforthislittlegirl Givingupseriousdatingisno bigdeal.
SHAYNA
Shiftingmycarintopark,Iturnofftheignition.“C’mon,Tommy,wehavetorun,orwe’regonnabelate!” Ihopoutofthecarthenhelphimout,andwetakeoffjoggingtowardthebuilding,racingeachotherandlaughingat ourselves
“Mom, don’t worry, mycoachis nice. He won’t yell at youif we’re late,” Tommysays, grinning, as we approachthe building
Wegetintothedoorwithfourminutestosparebeforethegamestarts.IgiveTommyaquickkissonthecheekandtousle hishairasherunstothebenchwherehisteamhuddleswiththecoach.
Ilookupinthebleachers,andJackandAnniearewavingtomesothatIknowwherethey’reseated.Climbingmywayup thebleachers,IgiveJackahugwhenIreachthemandplopmyhotmessofaselfdownnexttoAnnie.
Annieisnaturallygorgeous She’dlookgoodinanything,butshe’ssocutetodayinleggingsandalongsweaterwithtrendy booties.
“Geez,Annie,howdoyoulooksogoodforakids’soccergame?”Iaskher “Ionlymanagedtogetashowerandbrushmy teethbeforeIwasrunningoutoftime.Hence,this…”Igesturetomyself,dramaticallyflittingmyhandsaroundmybody.
WhenIrealizedTommyandIwere runninglate,Ithrew myhair upinthis messybunandtossedonthe onlythingIhad clean,whichwereoldsweatpants,anElladine Fire Department shirtIstolefromJack,andmyfuzzyknockoffdesignerboots Ihadsomelipglossinthecar,soatleastIcouldslapsomeonmylipsataredlight.
Anniesmilesandrollshereyesatme “OhmyGod,Shayna Please,youalwayslookstunningwithoutevenhavingtotry” Jackleans forward inhis seatand turns his head so he cansee us both. “You’re bothbeautiful, butthe game is aboutto start,socanwefocusonmyman,Tommy,ordoIneedtofindanewseat?”There’sateasingtonetohisvoice,butIalsodon’t doubthe’dmoveifwekeepupthechatter.
Isighdramatically, thenturntoward the gymfloor, and Igasp whenTommy’s coachcomes fullyinto myline ofsight. I mean,Icanonlyseehimfrombehind,buthe’swearingshorts,eventhoughit’sJanuary,andwhatanasshehas Thisismost definitely not Coach Chuck. Just when I think the man can’t get hotter, he squats down and, holy hell, the muscles in his hamstringsandcalvesareamazing
Withoutlookingawayfromhim,InudgeAnnieinthesideandwhisper,“Holyshit,who’sthenewcoach?I’dlethimteach mehowtohandleaballanyday”
Annielaughssointenselyherchestshakesandshecan’tevenanswerme,grippingherabdomen.
“Okay,Annie,I’mfunny,butnotthatfunny.Whyareyoulaughingsohard?”
“Shay, that’s that’s Finn,” she says, her voice almost a wheeze, and she has tears streaming down her cheeks from laughing.
“What? He-Man? No way,” Ihiss Ileanforward, squintingto geta closer look “Jack!Where’s CoachChuck?” Iask, leaningoverAnnietoaskhim.IrefusetobelievethatIwasjustlustingafterHe-Man.
“He and his wife moved to Florida. Finntookover coachingsince his niece Jessi plays onthe team,” he answers, not lookingawayfromthegymnasiumfloor.
Idon’tevenknowwhattothink.AdorablelittleJessi,Tommy’sbestfriendfromschool,isrelatedtoFinnBannon?Howis itpossiblethatsuchasweetlittlegirlisrelatedtosomeoneasNeanderthal-likeasFinn?
“Goodjob,everyone.Youalldidgreat,andI’mproudofyou!”Itellthekids,smiling.
Sure, we didn’twin, butthe kids had funand played cooperativelywitheachother. Ithinkthose are the mostimportant thingsatthisage
“CoachFinn,”Tommysays,tuggingatmyT-shirtedge.“Doyouwanttomeetmymom?”
“Oh,youhaveto,UncleFinn!Tommy’smomissoprettyandnice,andshemakesreallyyummycookies,”Jessichimesin IknowmymomhastakenJessitoacoupleofplaydatesatTommy’shouse,soit’sprobablyagoodideaformetomeethis momsinceImaydosomepickupsordrop-offs,assumingtheseplaydatescontinue “Well,ifshemakesyummycookies,Iabsolutelyhavetomeether,”Iteasethekids.
“Ido,infact,make yummycookies,” a familiar voice says,andwhenIlookup,I’mshockedthatTommy’s momis none otherthanShaynaDonley
Shit, how did I not put this together?
IknewTommywasJack’snephew,butIassumedhisparentwasoneofJack’sothersiblings
I’mnot a manwho struggles withwords around the ladies, but as I’mstaringat Shayna, who is lookinghot as hell in sweatpantswithanElladine Fire Department T-shirton,Ican’tseemtofindmyspeechfacultiesforseverallongseconds All Icanrememberisourlastencountertwoweeksagointhefiredepartmentparkinglot.
Iforceasmileandclearmythroat.“Um,Shayna…goodtoseeyouagain.”
Shesmirks “Uh-huh,I’msure”
TommyandJessilookbackandforthbetweenusafewtimes.Then,apparentlysatisfiedthatwe’retalking,skipofftokick asoccerballaroundthegym
Once the kids are outofearshot, Shayna sighs deeply. “Listen, Finn, eventhoughyouhave irritated me everyother time I’vemetyou,I’mwillingtoacquiescethatyou’reprobablynotatotaljerkifyou’recoachingakindergartensoccerteam.So, forthesakeofthekids,weshouldletbygonesbebygones.”
Itrytostopmyinnersmartassbeforeherearshishead,butIfail.“Gladly…butonlybecauseyouacquiesced.Otherwise, I’mnotsureIcouldhaveagreed”
Justassheopensher mouthtorespond,Jackwalksover andinterruptsour banter.Honestly,I’mgladbecauseI’msureI wouldhavesaidsomethingelsetopissXenaoff,givenafewmoreminutes
“HeyShay,Finn.TommywantstoknowifwecanallgotobrunchtogetheratPat’sDinertocelebratesinceJessiscoreda goaltoday.Hewantshertotrythemarshmallowcereal-filledpancakestherethatAnniegothimhookedon.”
Jacklooksatusbothexpectantly.
IturntolookatShayna,hereyesnowbulging.“Um…well,Idon’t…Imean…I’mnotreallydressedwellenoughtogoto brunch”
I chuckle as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, presumably realizing what a lame excuse that was to avoid spendingtimeinmypresence
“Seriously,Shay?You’renotdressedwellenoughforadiner?”Jackasks,clearlygivingherahardtime. “Bygones,Shayna…”Itaunt,unabletostopmyself.
Shaynaswivelsherheadinmydirectionandnarrowshereyesassheglaresatme “Fine.Let’sgo,”sherepliesinaclippedtone.
IdirectmygazetoJack “Actually,Jack,canyouandAnniegetusatable?IhavetotalktoShaynaquickbeforeweleave” “Sure,noproblem.Seeyouallthere,”Jacksays.
Jackwalks over to where Annie is waiting, and theyhead out Iglance over to Jessi and Tommy, who are still running aroundthegym,tomakesuretheyareoutofhearingdistance.Suddenly,I’mnervous.IbitemylipasItrytofigureouthowto wordthings.
“ListenShayna,Iknowyou’relikelygoingtosayyoudon’tcareordon’tneedmetotellyouaboutthis,butIwanttotalkto youaboutsomething,andIwantyoutohearmeout.”
“Okaaaay,”shesays,hereyebrowssqueezingtogether
“Pleaseletmegetthisoutwithoutinterrupting.”Ipause,lookingather.Shenodscurtly.“Youseemtohave opinions about aspectsofmycharacterthatbotherme,especiallybecauseI’mTommy’scoach,andI’mbecomingfriendswithyourbrother”I hesitate,needingtoclearmythroat.“YoumaythinkI’manasshole,andyoudon’thavetolikeme,but ” Sheprotests,“IneversaidIdidn’t ” Iholdmyhandup,andshestopstalking
“Youdon’thave to like me, butyou’ve assumed some things aboutme thataren’tfair, and I’d like the chance to clarify them ThewomanyousawatthefirestationwasnotaflingthatImisled Shewasanex,andonethatIneedtostayawayfrom meandmyfamilyforreasonsthatI’mnotcomfortablesharingrightnow.AndthedrunkgirlatthebaronNew Year’sEve,I tookheroutsideandcalledheranUberdriver afemaleUberdriver tomakesureshegothomesafely.I’mnoangelwhenit comes to women, believe me, but I don’t mistreat or mislead anywoman, and I certainlydon’t have sexwithwomenwho aren’t able to give consent. Just wanted to clear those things up.” Istop talkingand runmyhand throughmyhair, tryingto
decideifthat’sallIwanttosaywhilesheislistening.Itis.“So…I’llseeyouatbrunch.” AndthenIwalkaway,leavingShaynastandingwithher mouthhangingopen,unabletomakemyselfstandthereandrisk whatevershemightsayback
FINN
“UncleFinn,areyouandGramstryingtoruinmylife?”Jessiasks,withallthesassofasixteen-year-oldinstead ofactinglikethefive-year-oldthatsheis.
I’vejustbuckledherintoherboosterseatandtrynottoletherseethesmirkthreateningtobreakoutacrossmyface Iclose her door, walk around to the driver’s side of my truck and get in, starting the ignition before pulling out of the space and headingtowardthediner
“Alright, let’s talkaboutthis, munchkin. Whatexactlymakes youthinkGrams and Iare tryingto ruinyour life?” Iask. I keepmyfaceasneutralaspossible,eventhoughshecanonlyseemyprofilefromherspotinthebackseat.
“Youguysmakemesitinthisboosterseat.I’mfive.Andahalf!Myhalf-birthdayisnextweek.WhatifTommysawyouput meinthisbabyseat?Hewouldn’twanttobemyfriendnomore,Ibet!”Jessiexclaims.
Istare straightahead atthe road and coughto cover a laugh “Well, Ibetyouthat’s nottrue And Idouble betyouthat Tommy’smommakeshimrideinaboosterseat,too.”
Iglanceintherearviewmirrorandcatchherrollinghereyesatme
What am I gonna do when she’s a teenager?
“Ithreetimesbetyou’rewrong.Tommy’smomwould never ruinhislife,”Jessisays,clearlyconvincedsheisright.
“Okay We’ll ‘threetimes’betthen I’llaskShaynaifTommyridesinaboosterseat IfI’mright,yougiveme threebig bitesofyourpancakes.”
Shegigglesinthebackseat Damn,she’ssocute “WhatifIwin?”sheasks.
“Ifyouwin I’lltakeyouforicecreamtonight Dowehaveadeal?” “Deal,”shesays.
Iwatchhersmilingintherearviewmirror.She’snotstupid.SheknowsI’lltakeherforicecreamwhetherornotshewins. Tenminuteslater,wepullintoPat’sDiner,park,andaremakingourwaytowardthetableforsixthatJackandAnnieare sittingat.JessisitsdowninamiddleseatnexttoAnnie.Istarttositdownnexttoher,butsheputsbothhandsontheseatto stopmeandlooksupatme
“No,UncleFinn,thisisthegirlsonlyside.Sitthere.”Shepointsattheendseatdiagonalfromher.“Tommywillsitthere,” shecontinues,pointingatthemiddleseatacrossfromher
Isitdowninmyassigned seat,notmissingthegrinsonAnnie'sandJack’sfaces.I’msuretheycantellshehasmewrapped aroundherfinger.
“Jessi,thesearemyfriends JackhereisTommy’suncle,andthisisAnnie AnnieandJack,thisismyniece,Jessi,”Isay JessiglancesatJack,butthenstaresatAnnie.
“You’re really pretty, too Like Tommy’s mom,” Jessi says to Annie She looks star-struck with wide eyes, and she’s beamingatAnnie.
“Thankyou,Jessi.Ithinkyou’reverypretty,aswell.”AnniesmilesbackatJessi. Jessi’s eyes lightup atthe compliment, and a brieftwinge pinches me inmychest. These are the times Iwonder ifnot havingamomaroundishurtingJess.
“Whataboutus,Jessi-bell?Aren’twepretty?”Iteaseher,gesturingtomeandJack JessilooksbackandforthbetweenJackandmebeforegiggling.ShepointsatJackandsays,“Heis.”Shecovershermouth withherhand,clearlytryingtohideasmile
“Whaaat? I’mnot?” Iraise myhand up offthe table and startflexingand extendingmyfingers inher direction. “You’re makingtheticklemonstermad,Jessi…”
ImovemyhandtowardherjustasShaynaandTommywalkuptothetable,pullingourattentionaway.Shaynaeyestheonly
