ONE ALLURA
Redbleedsacrossthesnow,atrail thatleadsfromthebackofthebuildingtowhereadeadbirdlies,half-eaten Oneofour dogs probablycaught it earlythis morning. Theydo that whentheywander into the gated backarea of the buildingbehind whereIlive.I’veseenthemdoit creepacrossthesnow-kissedgrassandsealbirdstoafatefulend.
“Allura?”Mymother’svoiceyanksmefrommythoughts “Areyoulisteningtowhatwe’rediscussing?”
She,myfather,andmembersofhis“family”aresittingatatablebehindwhereI’mstanding.Iwassittingthere,too,untila few minutesagowhentheystarteddiscussingmyarrangedmarriagethat’ll betakingplaceinahandful ofdays Igotupthen andwanderedovertothefrostedwindowtostopascreamfromclawingupmythroat.Thatscreamhasbeenscratchinginside ofmeeversincemymomanddadinformedmeofmyfatefulendthat’ssimilartothedemiseofthebloody,deadbirdlyingin thesnow.
“No,Mother,I’mnotlistening.”Idon’tevenbothertolie.
SheloatheswhenIdothis whenIbacktalk Iusuallyavoiddoingitinfrontofthefamily,eventhoughmynatureistobea bitsnarky.Foryears,mymomhasrepeatedlyattemptedtobreakthatoutofme,butI’mtoostubborn,soshe’sneversucceeded. Shealsodespisesmyrefusaltoactliketheperfectmafiadaughter
Ihatethatlifeisthiswayinthisworld.Mengettobedangerous,cruel,andcocky.Theyevengetpraisedforit.Whereas womenhavetobeproper,emotionlessprincesses Well,atleasttheydoinpublic Behindcloseddoorsisadifferentstory
“Well,stopdaydreaming,comesitdown,andlisten.Thisisimportant.”She’skinderthanshe’dbeifwewerealone.Ifwe werealone,I’dgetsmackedacrosstheface.Butmymotherhastoappearputtogetherinfrontofothers.
Honestly,sheshouldn’tbeconcernedabouttheopinionsofthemencurrentlysittinginthisroom They’retheworstofthe worst allofthemhavebloodstainingtheirhands.
Itwisttowardher “WhyisitsoimportantthatIlistentothis?”
Asfuckedupasthismakesmesound,Igetadropofsicksatisfactionatwatchingherstrugglenottolosehercomposure. Sometimes,Ievenimaginewatchingherskinsplitopenandbleedoutallofherdarknessuntilnothingisleftinsideofher.Until sheisasemptyasIfeelallthedamntime.
“Becauseit’syourday,”shesayscoldly.“Youknowthis.”
“It’s my day?”Iquestionwithanarchedbrow “I’vehadnosayinanyoftheplanning,whentheceremonywillhappen,or evenwhotheguestswillbe.”Ithrumafingeragainstmylips.“There’ssomethingelsemissingfromthatlist.Whatwasitagain ?”Bittersarcasmbleedsintomytone “Oh,yeah,Ididn’tevengettodecide who I’llbemarryingorifIevenwantedtoget married.”
Everyoneis staringatmenow,butI’mwaypastgivingashit.IstoppedgivingashitwhenIrealizednoonegaveashit aboutme,andthatwasalongtimeago.ThenIreallystartedtonotgiveashittwomonthsago,onmyeighteenthbirthday,when myparentsannouncedthatI’dbemarryingRyderSt.Claire,sonofAxelSt.Claire,oneofthemostfearedmafiabossesinthe city Toaddtothiscontrollinginsanity,I’llalsobemarryingBlaiseMarielleandReeceAverson,Ryder’sfriendsandthesons oftwootherpowerfulmobsters.ButI’mnotmarryingthethreeoftheminthenormalsense.Instead,I’llbeparticipatingina fateceremony,anold-schoolmafiatraditionthathappenswhenmultiplebosses’sonsmarrythedaughterofanotherbosstotie allthefamiliestogether.Itworksthesameasamarriage,atleastbythelawsofmobsters,whichistheonlylawthatmattersin themafiaworld.
Theshittypartisitwouldn’thaveseemedsoawfulifithadhappenedthreeyearsago,minusthefactthatIwasonlyfifteen years old atthe time. Backthen, Ryder, Reece, Blaise, and Iwere friends. Thentheybetrayed me, and we’ve beenenemies eversince Theyrarelyspeaktomenowexcepttotormentme,whichhasn’thappenedformonths,sincewegraduatedandour fateceremonywasannounced.AndI’vebeenhappytoreturnthefavorofnotspeakingtothem.Now,we’regoingtobeforced tolivetogether
Itsucksthatmyfatehasbeendecidedbyabunchofold,power-hungrydudeswhowanttobecomeevenmorepowerful. Theythinkthatiftheirfamiliesaretiedtogetherthroughtheirchildren,theycanbecomeonegiant,powerful family.Atleast, that’swhattheytelleachother Personally,Ithinkthisfateceremonyistheirwayofkeepingtabsoneachotherandprotecting themselvesfromonefamilytryingtodethroneanother.
Ihatemyparentsforusingmeasabargainingchip NotthatI’msurprised WhentheytoldmewhatI’dhavetodo,Iputup adamngoodfight.Ievencontemplatedrunningaway.Butrunningawaywhenyoucomefromafamilywithprofessionalbounty huntersworkingforthemisn’treallyanoption NotthatI’mnotstilltryingtorunaway Iknowpeoplewhocouldmaybehelp meescape,butit’lltakesometimeformetomakeithappen,whichmeansthiswedding fateceremony willtakeplace.But it’snotalegalweddingintherealworld’seyes,soitdoesn’tmatter.Atleast,Itrytotellmyselfthat.Deepbeneathmyskinof steel,I’mscaredshitlessaboutthis
WhenIwas friends withReece, Ryder, and Blaise, and we attended the same prep school, people either feared themor kissed their asses, and the girls always threw themselves at them Well, not all girls Some didn’t want to deal with the douchebagdramathatcamewithbeingintheirworld,myselfincluded.Butsomegirlschasedafterthatprincess-mobster-wife dream Iwonderiftheyrealizedtheirsparklingtiarawouldbestainedwithblood,pain,anddeath
“Justine,controlyourdaughter,”myfatherwarnswithoutlookingatme.“Now.”
He’sacoldmanandhasbeensinceItookmyfirstbreath.Ithinkhesecretlydespisesthefactthatheneverhadason,at leastonebirthedbymymother Iwouldn’tbesurprisedifahandfulofyoungmenarewanderingaroundinthisworldwithhis bloodcoursingthroughtheir veins.Buthewill never admittothissincethat’snothow thingsworkhere.Everyoneisaware thatcheatingexists,buttheyturnablindeye That’showeverythingworks,whichiswhymobsterscangetawaywithanything, includingmurder.Theyalsopayoffthepolicedepartmenttokeepthemhush-hush.
“Yes,dear,”mymothersaysthenturnstomeandgrowls,“Getoverhere,sitdown,andpayattention now. ” Iwanttoliftmychinanddefiantlymarchoutofhere,butIknowthatifIdothat,thenafterthismeetingisover,I’llhaveto spendhourslisteningtoherreprimandme.AndIhavebigplanstonightthatIwon’triskruining.So,musteringeveryounceof calmnessIhave,Iwalkovertothetable,pulloutachair,andsitdownbymydad,threeothermen,andmymom
Thethreemenaremyfather’sclosestcolleagues,theoldestandgrayestmanbeingmyfather’sclosestally Frank,theonly familymemberIcantolerate He’susuallynicetome
Onetime,whenIwassixteen,hecaughtmesneakingoutofthehousetogotoaparty.Insteadofberatingme,heletmego anddidn’ttattleonme.So,yeah,Ikindofliketheguy,evenifIoncesawhimsittinginmyhousewithhisfacesplatteredwith blood.Iwasyoungwhenithappenedandhadbeenspyingonmyfather,curiousaboutwhathedidbehindcloseddoors.Let’s justsayIheardwaymorethanIshould’veatsuchayoungageaboutwhatmafiafamiliesdo.Butitdidn’treallymatter.Not longafterthat,Ilearnedfirsthandabouttheworld’sharshness
Iblinkrapidlybeforethememorysurfacesandsitbackinthechairaseveryonediscusses my fateceremony.
“Weneedtomakesurewegettheceremonyaspublicizedaspossible,”myfather states He’sabigmanwithblackhair andascaralonghisbrow.Iaskedhimoncewherehegotit,andhetoldmeduringabarfight.I’mcertainhewaslying.“Iwant everyonetoknowourfamilieshavebeenunited.”
“I’vealreadybeenworkingonthat,”mymomtellshim,tuckingastrandofherchin-lengthbrownhairbehindherear Iresemblehermorethanmyfather,withthesamehaircolorandourgreeneyes.Myhairislonger,though,andwavy.I’m tall,too,atraitofmyfather’s,thoughmyleannesscomesfrommymother Myattitudeandpersonality,however,areallmine AndI’mnotgoingtoletthemtakethatawayfromme.
Eventually,I’mgoingtoescapethislife IsweartoGodIam.
Mymombeginstoprattleonabouttheceremonyplans,andItuneout,daydreamingoftonight.I’mgoingtoapartywithmy bestiewhereIwilltrytofindsomeonetohaveaone-nighterwith Callitmyonewildnightbeforemyfateissealed Notthat I’msome sortofGoodyTwo-Shoes. I’ve gone to parties before, and I’ve done reckless shit, butthe whole kissingand sex thinghasbeenanissueforme,thankstomymessed-uphead Nottonight,though Tonight,Iamgoingtopushthroughmyissues becauseifIdon’t,thatmomentwillbestolenawayfromme. Again.
No,I’mgoingtogetoverthishurdle I’mnotgoingtolethim havecontrolovermeanymore I remain quiet as they spend the next hour or so yammering about the details of the ceremony, the date and time, announcements, decorations, seating, etc. WhenI recheckthe clock, I realize it’s gettinglate, and the partywill be starting soon
I need to get the hell out of here.
“Um Mother,”IfinallydareinterruptwhenIcanseenoendtothismeeting Herannoyancemanifeststhemomentshelooksatme.“What?” Istruggletobepolite.“IhaveathingIwanttodowithJessatonight.We’resupposedtobeleavinginforty-fiveminutes. So,canIgogetready?”
“Whatareyoudoing?”Sheeyesmesuspiciously.
IfIsay to a party, she’ll make a fuss aboutlettingme go, so Ilie. “We’re goingto dinner and thento a late movie ata theaterthat’sclosetohere,”Isay.“Wejustwanttohangoutonemoretimebefore…youknow,thewedding…ceremony.”
Shefrownsatthebitternessthatcreepsintomyvoice Isenseshe’sabouttostartabigfightwhenFrankstepsinforme
“Youshouldletthekidgo,Justine,”hetellsherashepuffsonacigar.“Sheshouldsaygoodbyetoherbestfriendbefore shetakesonthisresponsibility”
Theroomfallssilentforaslammingheartbeatofasecond.
Frankisoneofthefewpeoplemyfatherrespects,sonotevenglancingupfromthepapershe’sreading,hemutters,“She cango.”
Mymotherisirate,herfacered,butshewon’targuewithFrankormydad.Iknowthatprobablymakesherseemspineless, andinaway,sheis Butinmanyways,she’sascruelasmyfather “Fine.” She glares atme.“Butremember,Ihave eyes andears everywhere inthis city,soifyouendupsomewhere you shouldn’tbe,I’llknow AndyoubettermakesureEllistakesyoueverywhereyougo Gotit?” Iinternallygrimace.Ellisismydriver.That’shisofficial jobtitle,anyway,buthisreal jobisbabysitter andbodyguard. He’saboutfortyorsoandhasbeenworkingthepositionsinceIwasten
Whileitsuckstohaveanextrasteptogothroughtogetmyonelastnightoffreedom,I’vegottenawaywithlyingtoEllis before.Ijustneedtodevisesomethingtotellhimsoifhedoesreportbacktomymother,shewon’tknowwhatI’mreallyup to Igivemymomanodthengetupfromthetableandhurryoutofthecoldroom,wishingIcouldtakeoffandrunaway run outthefrontdoorandneverreturn ButIknowIwouldn’tmakeitfar No,ifanything,myfatewouldenduplikethedeadbird outside.Andasiffateisreadingmymind,whenIenterthehallway,Ryderisstandingthere,lookingasgorgeousasever. Ihateit.Hatethatevennow,whenIlookathim,Istillgetthisbriefflutteryfeelinginmystomach.Butasquicklyasthat sensationrises,itshiftstonauseaasIthinkabouthow,inafewdays,I’llbelongtohim.Andhowhecandoanythinghewants tome.
Anythingatall
Allthreeoftheguyscan.
Infact,ifhewantedto,hecouldprobablygetawaywithitnow,whichiswhyIshouldrun ButIcan’tgetmyfeettomove Ryder’sbackisturnedtomeashetalkstooneofthemenwhoworksforhisfather.EventhoughIcan’tseehisface,Iknow it’shimbyhowconfidentlyhestands,asifhedoesn’thaveacareintheworld.Plus,I’veknownhimlongenoughthattheback ofhis head is recognizable fromanywhere. So is his darkhair that’s a little longer ontop and shorter onthe sides, and the smallscarthatrunsjustalonghishairline.Ifanyoneaskshimwhereheobtainedthescar,he’lltelltheminafighthegotintoat school However,Iknowhisfathergaveittohimasapunishment
Idashtowardmybedroom,hopingtomakeittherebeforehecanspotme.AsIreachforthedoorknob,however,heturns, andourgazeslock Hepausesmid-sentence freezes SodoI,andIjuststareathim,attheguyIonceconsideredmyclosest friend.
NowIloathehimwitheverythingIhaveinme.
I narrow my eyes at him and channel all that animosity into my expression Yet he remains collected completely unbothered likealways.
Shakingmyhead,Islipinsidemyroomandshutthedoor Itakeafewmeasuredbreathstogathermyself I’mthatwound upfromseeinghim.
WhileIcanpretendIdon’tcareabouthim,orReece,orBlaise,thetruthis,deepdown,whattheydidtomehurtmewas worsethananythinganyonehaseverdonetome.
Exhaling,IpushawayfromthedoorandtrynottothinkaboutRyderasIstartgettingready.IrefusetoletRyder’spresence ruinmynight Atleast,that’swhatItellmyself However,I’mawarethatitisaffectingmebythewayIcan’tgetRyder’sface outofmydamnmind.
TWO ALLURA
Thankfully,bythetimeIexitmybedroom,Ryderisgoneandthehallwayisempty,soI’mabletomakeaquickescape Ellisis waitingformeattheentranceofmyfamily’sbuilding,andthecarhechauffeursmeinisparkedatthecurb.Tenminuteslater, we’repickingupJessa.
JessaandIhavebeenbestfriendssincewewerekids Herfatherworksformine Wemetatafamilygatheringwherewe bondedinstantly.It’sgreattohavesomeoneclosetomewhounderstandsthisworld.Truthfully,Idon’tthinkIcouldbefriends withsomeoneoutsideofthemafia Notrightnow,atleast I’dhavetolietoomuch,andwhatsortoffriendshipwouldthatbe? NothinglikewhatIhavewithJessa,whoknowsalmosteverythingaboutme,includingmymissionfortonight.Weplannedit carefullyandfoundapartywheretheriskofsomeonerecognizingmewouldbelow
ThepartyisatahouseofafriendofthisguyJessaisdating.He’ssomeonewhoisinnoway,shape,orformconnectedto themafia.Hewenttoapublicschoolonthewestsideofthecity,whichisconsideredlowerclasstomostpeople.Ithinkthat’s hisappealtoJessa someoneherparentswouldneverapproveof Ialwaysfounditsostupidthatamafiamembercouldthink poorpeoplearebeneaththem.Youknow,becausebeingamurderermakesyousuchagreatperson.
“So,what’stheplan?”Jessawhispersaswesitinthebackseatofthecar
Ellisisdrivingustowardtheparty,butI’mnotabouttohavehimdropusoffthere.No,IhaveaplanthatIcameupwith quicklyaftermymominformedmeElliswouldbedrivingmearoundtonight
“I’mhavinghimdropusoffatatheaterthat’sabouthalfamilefromtheparty,”Iwhisperback.“Ifigurewecangointothe theaterthenexitoutthesidedoorsandwalktherestofthewaytothehouse.”
Shearchesherbrows “Doesthetheaterhaveasidedoor?”
Inod,glancingatEllistoensurehe’snotlistening.“Yep,Icalledandaskedalready.” Herbrowsfurrow “Andtheydidn’tthinkthatwasweird?”
“Oh,no,theydid,”Iassureher.We’renearingthetheater,soIsliponmyleatherjacket.“Buttheystillansweredme.” “Sneaky,”shetellsmewithagrin.“Ilikethissideofyou,bestie.”
“Me,too.”Ismilewickedly.“MaybeIcantakethispartwithmewhenI…”Itrailoffasthoughtsofthefateceremonysear intomymind.
Shefrowns,noticingmyplummetingmood “Where’syourheadat?” Ishakemyhead,notwantingtotalkaboutit.“Iwasjustthinkingaboutsomestuff.”
Shesmashesherlipstogether,probablywantingtosaymore,butsheknowsmewellenoughnottopress
We remainsilentfor the restofthe drive as Ispend time scrollingthroughmysocial media accounts while Jessa takes selfies.
Abouttenminuteslater,Ellispullsuptotheglowingtheaterwithneonlights.Heparksnearthefrontdoorswherepeople areloiteringandeyesthetwo-storybuildingwarily.
Several lightbulbs areburnedoutofthesigns,theexterior is coveredingrime,andthepeoplehangingoutinfrontlook sketchy,tosaythe least.Butlooks canbe deceiving.Take whenmyfather has one ofhis “meetings.” Everyone shows upin pressedsuitsanddesignerdresses,appearingallniceandputtogether,butit’safaçade Everythingaboutthemafiaworldis So,maybethisbuildingisn’tasbadasitlooks.Thesamegoesforthepeoplestandingoutside.
“Are yousure youwantto go to this theater?” Ellis questions as he rotates around and looks atme. “The theater onthe northsideismuchnicer”
“ThistheaterisshowinganoldmoviethatIreallywanttosee,”IinformhimasIscoottowardthedoor.“It’salongmovie, likethreehours Areyousureyouwanttoparkouthereforthatlong?Youcanalwaysleaveforabitthencomebackandpick usup?”It’sasillyhopetobelievehewill,butIhavetotry.
Hegivesmea really look “YouknowIcan’tdothat,Allura”
Iresistasigh.“Yeah,Iknow.”
IfIcould’vegottenhimtoleave,JessaandIcould’veskippedgoinginside.Butwhatever,IguessPlanBisofficiallyin play
Suckinginabreath,Igetoutofthecar,myheelshittingthedampasphaltfromthemeltingsnow.Jessafollows,takesone lookaround,andwrapsherarmsaroundherself
We’rewayoverdressedforgoingtoatheater,withJessainherred,fitteddressandheels,andmeinmyshort,blackvelvet skirtandmatchingoff-the-shouldertopthatshowsoffasliverofaninchofmybelly Ihaveonheeledbootsthatlaceuptomy thighs, makingme stand eventaller. Mylips are stained a prettyred that resembles the blood I saw inthe snow earlier. I thoughtit’dbefittingformylastnightout.
Lookingatus, Jessa and Iare similar ina few ways buttotal opposites inothers Like me, Jessa is tall, buther hair is blonde,hereyesareblue,andherbodyiscurvierthanmine.She’slessawkwardthanme,too.Whereshecomesoffasflirty andfun,Icomeoffasquirkyandweird,somethingmanypeoplehavetoldmeovertheyears Ikindoflikethataboutmyself “Ready?”Iaskher,tryingtoignorethegawkingfromthecrowdinfrontofthetheater. Shenods,inchingtowardmeaswemakeourwayclosertothebuilding Amanhangingoutnearthefrontdoorissmilingather.He’solder,andhissmilescreamspervyoldcreep. LoopingmyarmthroughJessa’s,ItowherwithmeasIholdmyheadhighandmarchtowardtheentrance. And,ofcourse,thecreepercomesrightforus
“Hey,gorgeousladies,”hesaysaswenearhim.“Whydon’tyouskipthemovieandletmeshowyouagoodtime?” Jessadoesn’tdowellinthesesituationsandmovesclosertome Me?Icanhandlemyown Ihadtolearnhowafterwhat happenedallthoseyearsago.
Backthen,Iwasweak,whichallowed him tobreakme.So,Ilearnedself-defense,howtofight,andIknowIcanholdmy ownifIneedto.
“Fuckoff,”Itellhimwithasugary-sweetsmile.“Andgofindsomeoneyourownage.” Hissmilefalters,andthenherushestowardus,makingJessagasp
“You’vegotsomemouthonyou,littlebitch,”heseethes.“Maybeyouneedtobetaughtalesson.” “Comeonemorefootclosertome,andI’llbetheoneteaching you alesson,”Iwarn,reachingintomypocketandpulling outmyTaser.
HeimmediatelyfreezesasIgiveitalittlezap.
“Yeah,that’swhatIthought,jackass.”IpocketmyTaserandpullJessaintothetheater. Onceinside,IletoutashakyexhalewhileJessagapesatme.Shelookspale,hereyeswideandfulloffear.
“Ilove youto death, but did youreallyhave to threatento zap him?” she asks, her eyes wide “We could’ve just gone inside.”
IshakemyheadasIapproachtheticketbox “Nexttimehethinksabouttreatingwomenlikeshit,thethoughtthattheycould haveaTaserintheirpocketwillbeinthebackofhismind.Andmaybe,justmaybe,that’llstophimfromdoingwhateverhe wasgoingtotrytodotous,whichIknowwouldn’thavebeengood.”
“Hecould’vejustbeenalltalk,”shepointsoutasshenervouslypeersaround “Maybe,but…peoplelikehim,it’sall abouthavingpower over someoneelse.Hesaysthatsortofstufftomakeothers feelhelplessbecauseitmakeshimfeelbetterabouthimself”
“Yeah,Iguessso.”Shegrowsquiet,probablytryingtoworkthroughherfear.
Iforcemyselftomovepastit Tonight,Ican’tbeafraid Tonight,Irefusetoletfearownme,evenifit’sjustforonenight “Twoticketsto Titanic,”Itellthepersonattheticketstand. Theystarttypingtheinfointothecomputer.Whiletheydo,Jessamovescloser tomeandwhispers,“Wait whatifyour momtracksyourphone?”
“I’mgoingtopoweritdown,”Itellher.“ButbeforeIdo,I’lltextherandtellherIdon’twantittomakeanynoiseduring themovie”
“She’sgoingtobemadatyou,”shewarns.
“Iknow,butI’lldealwiththeconsequenceslater She’llstillletmestayhereaslongasEllisisrightoutside” “True.”Shecontinuestoeyetheplaceandthegroupsofpeoplewholookextremelycasualcomparedtous.
AsI’mpayingforthetickets,Idigoutmyphonefrommyjacketpocketandsendmymomthemessage.Then,rightbeforeI turnthephoneoff,Ireceiveamessagethatthrowsmyentirenightoffbalance
Ryder:I’ve beensittinghere,tryingtodecide howtosendyouthisbecause IknownomatterhowIwordit,you’ll getpissed.Butwhatever,itneedstobe sent.Isawyouwalkingoutofthe house,alldressedup,andIhave thisfeeling that you’re not just hanging out with Jessa like your momsaid. Whatever big plans you have for tonight, don’t go through with them. You have no idea how much you are at risk right now. And while I know you won’t, I would appreciateifyoucalledme.Please.
Istareatthemessageintotalshock.Ishekiddingmerightnow?
“What?”Jessasays,leaningovermyshouldertoreadthemessageonmyscreen.Shefrowns,worrycreasingherfeatures. “Whatthehelldoyouthinkhemeansbythat?”
Ishrug,puttingmyphonebackintomypocket “Nothing I’msurehejustwantstoscareme” It’s whatIreallybelieve thatRyder sentthemessagebecausehedoesn’twantmegoingoutanddoingthings whenI’m supposedtobelongtohim Buthedoesn’tgetthatIwon’teverbelongtohim,evenafterthefateceremony Nomatterwhatfatetellsme,I’llneverbelongtoanyone.
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER, JessaandIarehangingoutatthetwo-storyhouseinthewestside’ssuburbs.Ittookusaboutten minutes to walkhere, and Jessa was a nervous wreckthe entire time. The momentwe stepped inside the house, though, she immediatelyrelaxed.Me?IfeelmoreanxiousnowthanIdidbackwhenIwasarguingwiththatpervyolddude.
JessaandIarewayoverdressed,standingoutlikediscoballsinagothclub That’snotwhatIwantedfortonight Itrynot tothinkaboutthatandinsteadlookaroundthelivingroomthat’scrammedwithpeopletofindacuteguyIcanapproach. Theroomisaboutthesizeofmycloset,butIliketheplace I’vealwaysdreamedoflivinginaVictorian-stylehomeinthe middleofanaverageplotofland.Theplacewouldbefilledwithantiquefurniture,surroundedbyhorses,goats,anddogs.I loveanimals.They’resomuchbetterthanpeople.
Acoupleofmonthsago,Iwasplanningonattendingcollegetobecomeaveterinarian.Thatwaswhenmyparentsinformed methattheywouldnolongerpayformytuitionbecauseIwasgoingtobecomeawife,butnotarealone.I’lljustbeplaying thepartandbasicallybeingtheguys’whore
ButlikeIsaid,I’mgoingtoescapeoneday.AndwhenIdo,I’llgotocollege.
Iworrythatmydreamswillneverhappen,butIrefusetogiveup I’veovercomewaytoomuchshittogiveupnow
“Thisisn’ttoobad,right?”Jessashoutsoverthemusicblaringfromthestereo.
“Yeah,it’sprettychill.Ilikeit.Thehouseisreallycute,too.”IlifttheredSolocupI’mdrinkingoutof.“Ineverthought I’dbedrinkingoutofoneofthese”
“Meneither.We’resolivingintherealworldrightnow.”Grinning,shetapshercupagainstmine,andthenwebothdown therestofourdrinks
Igagonthetasteofit.“Thisstuffissogoddamnpotent.”
“It’scalledcheapvodka,princess,”Jay,Jessa’sboyfriend,appearsfromthecrowdandjoinsusinthecorneroftheroom we’vebeenhangingoutinsincewegothere.HedrapeshisarmaroundJessa’sshouldersandkisseshercheek.
“Dude,howmanytimesdoIhavetotellyounottocallmeprincess?”IsmirkatJay.“Ifyou’regoingtocallmeanything,it shouldbequeenorbossbitch eitherworks Youcanalsocurtseytome Youknow,sothatIcanliveuptothename” Herubshisscruffyjawline.“I’mnotahugefanofeitherofthosenames.Howaboutmadame?” Iconsiderhisrequest “Thatworksaslongasyoucurtsey,too Andkissmyfeetwhileyou’reatit”
Hechuckles,shakinghishead.“You’resoweird,Al.”
Andthereyougo Weird Notthatitbothersme Icouldbecalledway,wayworse “Hey,donotinsultmyfriend,”JessachimesinonmybehalfandplayfullyswatsJay’sarm. “Ididn’tmeanitabadway,”hequicklysays.“Ijustmeantweird,likequirky.”
Story of my damn life
“Al’scoolwithit.Right,Al?”Helooksatmewithhopeinhiseyes.HestartedcallingmeAlwhenJessafirsttoldhimmy nameandhesaidhewouldn’tbeabletorememberit
Jay’s a nice, cute guywithblond hair and prettygreeneyes, buthe’s notthe brightest. It’s better thanJessa datingsome douchebagmafiaking.
Orgettingsealedtothreeofthem.
Mycheststartstoconstrict.IthappenswheneverIallow myguarddownandthinkaboutwhat’sabouttohappentome.I blameitonthedrinksI’veconsumed AndJessa,beingthegoodfriendthatsheis,noticesmypanic “Takeadeepbreath,babe,”shetellsme.“Calmdownandfocusonsomethingelse.” Itrytodowhatshesays,buttoomanythoughtshaverushedintomymind Sealed fate.
My demise
Maybe I’ll just end myself now Ibreathesharply,veeringtowardapanicattack.It’sbeenalongtimesinceI’vehadone,notsince… Don’t think about that You’re only going to make it worse “Shit.What’swrongwithher?”IhearJayaskasIleanover,strugglingtobreathe. “She’shavingapanicattack,”Jessatellshim “Canyougetheranotherdrink?Itmighthelphercalmdown”
Jaypausesforasecondbeforesaying,“Youknowwhat?Ihavesomethingbetter.Comewithme.” “Areyouokaywithgoingwithhim?”Jessaasksassherubsmyback.
Inod “I’lldoanythingatthispointnottolosemyshitandruinournight” Jessaloops her armthroughmine,leadingmethroughaseaofpeople.Theair reeks ofbeer andcigarettes,andI’mina dazeduetothelackofoxygengettingintomylungs Icanbarelygraspontoreality Butthroughthehazeswimminginmybrain, IsweartoGodIfeelsomeonewatchingme.Ipeeraround,buttheroomissodarkthatIcanbarelymakeoutanyfaces.
Itrytoshakeoffthefeeling,butitonlyswellsthelongerwemakeourwaythroughtheroom Idomybesttotrytoignoreit, andJessa,Jay,andIeventuallymakeitintoasmallbedroomthathasbluewallswithsportsposterscoveringthem.Whenwe enter,aguywithchin-lengthbrownhairissittingonthebed.Helooksaroundourage,hasafewfacialpiercings,andhisjeans arefrayed Andhe’stakingahitfromabong
Heexhaleswhenweenter,blowingoutacloudofsmoke.
“What’sup?”hesaystoJay,hisgazeglidingacrossJessaandme
“We’relookingtochill,”hetellstheguy.“ThisisJessa.Remember,youmetheratTravis’sparty?”
BongDuderelaxesasmidgeon “Ohyeah,right Hey,Jessa OrshouldIsay,princess?”Hesmilesather,andJessalaughs Beingcalled princess has never bothered her as muchas itbothers me, butIhave issues withthe word thatstems from thingsIhaven’tfullydealtwithyet.AndI’mnotreadyto.
BongDudelooksatme,probablywonderingwhoIam
I’veregainedmybreathingatthispoint,soIintroducemyself.“I’mJessa’sfriend,Al.”Imakeapointofnotgivinghimmy realname,justincaseherecognizesit NotthatIexpectthattohappenhere “Andfairwarning,ifyou’regoingtogivemea nickname,I’dsteerclearofprincess.”
Hegrins.“Noted.”
HeglancesatJay.“Youwantahit?” “Doyouevenhavetoask?”Jaysaysashewalksuptothebed.
Afterhetakesahit,Jessatakesone ThenBongDudeturnsandoffersmeahit “Whatdoyousay,prince sweetheart?”hehurriestocorrecthimselfthensmiles.“Youwannahit?” “Nicesave,”Itellhim,makingmywayovertothebed “Andyep,I’dloveahit”Ireachforthebong,thinkingintheback ofmymind, Maybe he’s the guy to give me some fun tonight.Andthebestpartisthatnooneseemstohavecaughtontowhat I’mdoing.Sure,RyderthinksI’muptosomething,buthowwillheeverfindoutifthat’strue? Fuckhim.I’mdoingthis.I’mhavingmyonenightoffun.
THREE REECE
I’msurprisedasfucktoseeherhere,atthishousethat’sinasectionoftownamafiaprincessshouldneverbein I’mnotsure whyI’mthatsurprised.Alhasalwaysbeenthesortofgirlwhodoesallsortsofcrazyshit.Ilovethatabouther.Butsheisn’t the little girl Igrew up playingtagand hide-and-seekwithanymore. She’s a womanwho’s myfiancée, the girl I’ll be tying myselftoinjustafewdays
Whilepossessivenessisn’tusuallymything,seeinghergobackintothatbedroomwithaguymakesmefeellikeI’mabout tocrawl outofmyskin IhavetodosomethingbeforesheruinseverythingthatRyder,Blaise,andIhaveworkedsohardto accomplish.
That’s what Al doesn’t realize yet everything that’s happened over the last few years has been for a reason, because Ryder,Blaise,andIdideverythinginourpowertomakeitgodownthatway.
WhileI’mawareshe’s here,Al doesn’tappear toknow I’mattheparty.Whywouldshe?I’mkeepinglow for areason. This isn’tmytypical place toparty,butI’mnotevenhere toparty I’mhere togetsome cash Andyeah,Iknow thatsounds weird.Whywouldarichguylikemeneedtogetsomemoney?Becauseit’sunderthetable,whichmeansthatmine,Blaise’s, andRyder’sfatherswon’tknowaboutit It’sourticketoutofthisfuckinglifestainedwithlies,death,anddeceit
DespitefeelingriledupatseeingAlhere,she’sluckyI’mtheonewhoendedupworkingtonight.Ryderwassupposedto come,andifhehadseenhergoingintothatroomwiththatloserguy,hewould’vebecomeunhingedandmadeascene Me? I’mthe calmer one in our group. People consider me a jokester, a flirt, the fun one. But my parents are the least terrible.Ryder’scomeinsecond,withBlaisehavingtheworst,whichissayingalotsinceallofourparentsareshitty. Butthat’sanentirelydifferentstory Rightnow,IneedtofocusonwhattodowithAl I’mnota fun, nice guyall the time. Ilike to be selective. Take mytime. Calculate whenever I’maboutto tear someone apart Not literally I’mnot muchfor inflictingpain, at least not physical I’ma mind-fucksort of guy And right now, I’m decidingwhetherornotIwanttofuckwithAl.
TobethebadReeceorthegoodone?
WhodoIneedtobe?
Al has knownme longenoughthatshe’s seenbothsides ofme. Al. Beautiful, sweetAl, who used to be one ofmybest friends Shedidn’tknowshewasgorgeousbackthen I’mnotevensureshe’sawareofitnow She’salwaysbeenbeautiful I startednoticinghowgorgeousshewaswhenwewereaboutthirteen. itwasn’tjustherbiggreeneyes,fulllips,andlonglegsthatdrewmein Itwasthewaysheseemedtobeabletocheerme upwheneverIwasdown,thewaysheknewmydarkestsecretsyetstilllikedme,andthewayshelookedatmesometimes,like Iwasworthsomething.
Thenwebrokeher,andshenever lookedatmelikethatagain.No,fromthatpointon,sheglaredatmewithnothingbut disdain.
Idespisemyselffordoingit,forbreakingher,butithadtobedone Thequestionis:doesitneedtobedonerightnow?
I’mnotsure.Idohaveatonofshittodo,butI’mcuriousaboutwhatmysoon-to-bewifeisdoingbehindthatcloseddoor withthatguy No,scratchthat I’mbeyondfuckingbothered Theneedtoknowiseatingawayatme
Ineedtofindoutwhatshe’sdoing,andthenI’lldecidewhattodoaboutit. IfI’llbethegoodReeceorthebadone.
IusedtobethegoodReeceallthetime Toher,anyway Untilthatday Thedaythatstartedthefracturingofourfriendship, whichultimatelyledtoitsshattering.
Deepdown,Iknow I’llhavetocontinuetodotheshatteringifI’mevergoingtoputthisgametoanendandfreeBlaise, Ryder,myself,andAlfromitall.
15 YEARS OLD
“Youlookcutetoday,”ReececallsoutasIwanderdowntheschoolhallwaytowardhim
Imake a bigshow ofrollingmyeyes. NotthatIwouldn’tbe flattered ifReece were beingserious, butI’ve knownhim forever.He’sthekindofguywhoflirtswitheveryone.EvenoneofhisBFFs.
“Quitglitteringmewithyourflirt,dude,”IsayasIstopbesidehim Hechuckles.“Glittering?”
Iliftashoulder “Itseemslikethebestwordthatfitsyoursparkling-ness” Hiseyesflickupanddownmybody,asmirkplayingathisprettylips.
Yeah,Reeceispretty,andheknowsit,whichiswhyhecangetawaywithflirtingwitheveryone,evenhisbestie “MaybeI’dstopflirtingwithyouifyoudidn’tlooksodamnhot,”hetellsme,stillwearingthatsmirk. Iplayfullyshovehim.“Idon’tlookhot.Ilookgrungy.”
Heeyesmyoutfitonemoretime clunkyboots,knee-highstockings,cut-offshorts,andaplaidshirtoverablacktanktop, alongwithachokerandsomeleatherbandsornamentingmywrists.
MymomhadashitfitwhenIleftthehousedressedlike,assheputit,“atrashywhore”Tobehonest,partofthereasonI dressedlikethistodaywasbecauseIwantedtoupsether.ButtheotherreasonisthatIlikethewayIlook.
ForaslongasIcanremember,mymomhasforcedmetoweardesigneroutfitsandshoes Todaywasastatement Onethat I’ll pay for later, but that’s okay. It might be worth it. Because today is the day I’mgoing to catch the attention of Porter Fellingford.
He’sinmyartclass,andyeah,hisfamilyisn’tpartofthemafia,butIdon’tcare I’veneverseenmyselfsettlingdownwith someonefromthemafiaorremaininginthatworld.It’snotlikeIevenseemyselfsettlingdownwithPorter,either.I’mfifteen yearsold,forhell’ssake Ijustwanttogoonadatewithhim Ormaybeafew Wecanholdhands Andkiss Hehasthemost kissablelips
“EarthtoAl.”Reecewaveshishandinfrontofmyface,startlingme. Iblinkathim.“Um…what?”
Hegivesmeafunnylook,andthenhisgazeglidesupthehallwayandlandsonPorter.“WhywereyoujuststaringatPorter Fellingford?”
Iliftashoulder,butholyhell,wasIjustgawkingatPorter?Ifso,didanyoneelsenotice? Reeceassessesmeclosely “Youlooklikeyou’reblushing” “No.”Thatmightbealie.
“Yes,youare,”hesayswithmoreconfidenceasheleansback.“Doyouhaveathingforhimorsomething?” “N-no.”Anotherlie.Andabadone,too,sinceIstutter. Dammit, Al, get it together. This is your best friend you ’ re talking to, even if he is a hot guy. “Youknow,ifyoutoldmethetruth,Icouldhelpyougetadatewithhim,”Reecetellsmeenticingly “How?”Iquestion.“You’renotevenfriendswithhim.”
Hebumpshislockershutthendrapeshisarmaroundmyshoulders,turningmeinthedirectionofPorter,whohasstarted walkingdownthehallway,awayfromus.
“So?Everyonewantstobefriendswithme,”hepointsoutaswemeanderinthesamedirectionasPorter. “Cockymuch?”Imumble,inchingtothesideasagroupoffootballplayerspassus “Yeah,butyou’veknownthataboutmeforever,”hesays,pullingmecloseraswenearamorecrowdedpartofthehallway. “Andspeakingofcocky ”hesuddenlystatesashisgazeflicksbehindus I’mabouttoturnaroundwhensomeonestrollsupbesideme.
Myotherbestfriend,Ryder
WhereReeceisallblondhair,blueeyes,andglitteringsmiles,Ryderisthepolaroppositewithshortdarkhair,grayeyes, and he has what many girls refer to as a smoldering intensity. But if you ask me, it’s just plain assholery. Ryder isn’t a douchebagtome,andthoughIsometimesgetbotheredbyhisdouchebaggery,andevencallhimoutonit,hedoesn’tmistreat me.Infact,he’salwaysactedtheoppositetowardme.Thatmightbebecausewe’vebeenbestfriendsforeverandhelooksat melikeayoungersisterwhohehastoprotect,eventhoughwe’rethesameage IalsoknowhimwellenoughthatIcanreadhimwithjustonelook.
“Youwerehookingupwithsomeone,”IremarkasRyderrakeshisfingersthroughhishair Hisgazeflickstome.“Whydoyousaythat?”
“Becauseyourbutton’sundone.”Ipointtothebuttononhispants.
Heglancesdownthenmutters,“Shit,”beforebuttoningit
“WhichmeansAlwassecretlylookingatyourdick,man,”Reecejokeswithasmirk.
Iblasthimwitha dirtylook “No,Iwasn’t” WhenReece cocks his brow atme,Idecide toplayhis smart-mouthgame because,withReece,it’sreallytheonlythingyoucando.“Iobviouslywasn’tdoingitsecretlysinceItoldhim.”
Hestaresatmeforabeatbeforehebustsuplaughing EvenRydercracksasmile,andhe’snotmuchofasmiler “Andthat’swhyIloveyou,baby,”Reecesays,pullingmeclosertokissmeontheforehead.
Theguysarealwaysdoingthatsortofstuffwithme,butit’smerelyafriendlything.Still,girlsgetjealousoftheiraffection towardmetothepointwhereit’scausedmetogetintoacoupleoffights Italsohasmeworriedthat “Dude,don’tdothatwhenwe’reinPorter’svicinity,”Ihiss.“Hemightthinkwe’redatingorsomething.”
Reececocksabrow “Orsomething?What’sthesomething?”
“That’swhatIwaswondering,too,”Ryderchimesinashestuffshisphoneintothebackpocketofhisjeans. “Idon’tknow.”Ishrug.“Likewe’rehookinguporsomething.”
“Thereshegoeswiththatsomethingagain,”ReecetellsRyder.“Ifeellikeitmightbecodeforsomethingdirtyandshejust doesn’twanttosayit.”
“What’sdirtierthanhookingup?”Ipointout Theytradealookthenbustuplaughing.
“Okay,I’mleaving,”Isay,duckingoutfromunderReece’sarm “Youguysareinoneofyourmoods” I start to stalkoff, but Reece quicklycaptures the backof myshirt. Or, well, I thinkit’s Reece until I glance over my shoulderandseeRyderhasaholdofme.
“Relax,Al,”hesaysinthattoneheusesongirlstogetthemallflustered.“We’rejustmessingwithyou.” Ipointafingerathim.“Don’tyoudareusethatvoiceonme.”
“Okay”Hepresseshislipstogether,Ithinktoconcealasmile
Iresist aneye roll but drop the subject. Despite their annoyingness, theyare mybest friends. And since they’re guys, I mightbeabletousethattomybenefit Like togetPortertogooutwithme NotthatIdon’tthinkIcan’taskhimoutonmy own.I’mnotshyoranything.Ijust…
Okay,thetruthisthateventhoughmythreebestfriendsareallguys,Ihavenoexperiencewithguyswhenitcomestodating them Ihaven’tgoneoutonadate Ihaven’tevenhadaguyflirtwithme Tobehonest,guysrarelypayattentiontome,andI kindofhateit.NotthatI’mguycrazy.I’djustlikeoneofthemtolookatmesometimes.
Okay,maybeIjustdon’twantaguytolookatme IwantPorterto Ishiftmyweight,feelingabittwitchyasIsay,“Alljokesandteasingaside,canyoureally” Ilowermyvoiceandlean towardthem “helpmegetadatewithPorter?”
Ryder’sbrowselevatetowardhishairline.“YouwanttogoonadatewithPorterFellingford?” IfeelkindofdumbnowforthinkingIhaveachancewithPorterwhenRyderclearlydoesn’tthinkso,butI’mnotaboutto showthat
“Why are you acting like that’s so impossible?” I snap. “I know he’s a little out of my league, but we have stuff in common”
RyderstaresatmewiththatintenseexpressionthatIdon’tusuallythinklooksstupid,butIdorightnow.“Youthinkhe’sa littleoutofyourleague?”
I’munsurewhyhe’sactingthisway.Typically,he’snicetome.Maybehe’shavingabadday.Perhapshisfatheryelledat himthismorning.I’dfeelbadforhimandtrytocheerhimup,buthe’sbeingmean.
“Whatever I’mgoingtoclass Don’tfollowme”Ispinaroundtoleave,buthesnatchesthebackofmyshirtagain I’monestepawayfrompushinghim,butbeforethewordscanleavemylips,hereachesupandbrushesastrandofhairout ofmyface Hedoesthatwhenhe’stryingtocalmmedown Evennow,itdoessettlemedownabit IblameitonthefactthatI rarelygettouched exceptfor times like these or whenReece hugs me, drapes his armaround myshoulders, and sometimes braids myhair. Blaise also gives me little affectionate touches, like whenhe traces patterns onmyarms or gives me back massagesonoccasion.
“Don’ttrytocharmmeoverwithyourlittlehairtouches,”Iwarn,givingRyderadirtylook.
Hesighsbutlowershishand.“Willyoujusthearmeoutforasecond,please?You’recompletelymisunderstandingwhat I’msaying.”
Ipausethengestureforhimtocontinue
Insteadofcontinuing,hegrabsmyhandandtowsmeintooneofthemanybrickalcovesthatlinetheschoolhallway.Reece trailsatourheels,loopinghisfingerthroughthebackofthebeltlooponmyshorts
Oncewe’retuckedawayinthealcove,awayfromwherepeoplecanoverhearus whichI’massumingisRyder’spointof draggingmebackhere Ryderreleasesmyhand,butReecekeepsaholdofmybeltloop Ryderdoesn’tsayanythingatfirst;hejuststaresatme.Thenhefinallyshiftshisweightandsays,“Look,Idon’tthinkyou shouldgooutwithPorter.”Iopenmymouthtoprotest,buthetalksoverme.“AndnotbecauseIthinkhe’soutofyourleague.I thinkyou ’ re outofhis league”
Igivehimaslow,unimpressedblink.“Um…No,I’mnot.”
“Yes,youare,”hestresses “Andhonestly,Idon’tthinkyoushoulddateanyone”
Mylipstwitchinannoyance.“Youknow,you’rereallygettingonmynervesthismorning,soIthinkweshouldpartways fornow,andwhenyou’veworkedthroughwhatever’smakingyoutreatmelikeshit,youcancomefindme toapologize”I starttosteptotheside,andneitherofthemstopsme,butReecesayssomethingthatmakesmepause.
“He’snottryingtobemean,Al.He’stryingtoprotectyou.”
Itwistaroundtofacethem,curiositysparklinginsideme “Protectmefromwhat?” Theytradealook,andIstraightenasIrealizesomething.
“Youhaveasecret,”Iaccuse,eyeingthemwithmyarmscrossed Theybothwaver,shiftingtheirweightandscratchingthebacksoftheirnecks,notdenyingit. “Tellme,”Idemand.“Comeon.Idon’tlikebeingoutoftheloop.”
“What’sgoingon?”ThesoundofBlaise’ssoftvoicesailsovermyshoulder.
WhileRydercansometimespushmybuttons,andReeceteasesmetonoend,Blaiseisalwayssweettome.Ilatchonto thatrightnowbecauseIfeeloutnumbered IflashRyderandReeceasmirkthenspinaroundandloopmyarmsaroundBlaise. Blaiseisusuallydressedinallblack,andtodayisnoexception Evenhischin-lengthhairisblack,andsoarehissquareframedglasses.Theonlysparkleofcolor isthepiercingsinhislipsandhisthumbring,whichIgavehimfor hisbirthdaya fewyearsago.
“RyderandReecearekeepingasecretfromme.”Idramaticallypout.“Doyouknowwhatitis?” Blaise’s gaze flicks to mybottomlip that’s jutted out. He probablythinks I’mbeingoverdramatic, and Iam, butBlaise won’teversaythattome
“No.” He looks atRyder and Reece as his armenclose around mywaist, his hand settlingonmyback. “Come on, guys; whateveritis,justtellher Shetellsyouhersecretsallthetime” Isecretlysmiletomyself.IknewBlaisewouldtakemyside.
“ShewantstoknowwhyRyderthinkssheshouldn’tdatePorter,”Reecesaysinaweird,sortofindicatingtone.“Or,well, notjustPorter,butanyguy,forthatmatter”
IexpectBlaisetotellRydertotellmehisreasonshe’ssayingthat,oratleasttotellhimthatheshouldn’ttellmethatIcan’t date Instead,Blaise’sexpressioncrumbles
“YouwanttodatePorterFellingford?”Heappearshurt,whichmakesnosense,soI’mprobablyreadinghimwrong. Iliftashoulder “Ithinkhe’scute,andwebothlikeart,and ”Ifrown Whyisheactinglikethis?Blaisealmostalwaysspoilsme,soit’soddthathe’squestioningmeaboutsomethinglikethis. Istepback,andhisarmfallstohisside.“Whyareyouallbeingsoweirdaboutthis?” “We’renot,”Rydersayscalmly “You’rejustbeingparanoid” He’slying.AndheknowsIknowheis.
IglanceatReece,hopinghe’llcaveandtellme,oratleastletatruthslipsincehecanbeablabbermouthattimes,atleast withme.Buthesimplyoffersmeanapologeticlook.
IreturnmyattentiontoBlaise,buthe’saportraitofhurtandworry “Fine,ifyouguysdon’ttellme,thenI’lljustleave.”IstridepastBlaiseandoutofthealcove,thinkingthatoneofthemwill grabme,pullmeback,andtellmewhatIwanttoknow.That’showitusuallyworkswheneverweargue. But,forthefirsttime,thethreeofthemletmewalkawaywithoutsayingaword
Severalhitslater,I’mlyingonthebedbesideBongDudewhileJayandJessamakeoutonthefloor It’dbeweird,butI’mtoo stonedtocare.
“They’renoisyfuckers,”BongDudesaysatthesoundofJessa’sandJay’slipssmackingtogether.
“For sure”Istareupattheceiling Glow-in-the-darkstars cover it,andIcan’tstopstaringatthem They’repretty The worldispretty.Everythingispretty.
BongGuygroans “Thosenoises aredrivingmecrazy”Heturns his headtowardme “Weshouldmakeoutsowedon’t havetohearthem.”
Well,Ididcometothispartytohookup,didn’tI?ButcanIreallygothroughwithit?I’vetriedsomanytimesandalways enduppanicking.Thenagain,I’veneverbeenthisstonedbefore.
“Sure,”Itellhim.
Hiseyeswiden,butthenhecollectshimselfandleansin Hecomesinhard,andourteethclanktogether Thatdoesn’tstop him,though,as he kisses me intensely.He’s notanamazingkisser,butItrytolookpastthatandkiss himback,tryingnotto panicwhenherollsontopofme Butwhenhishandsstarttowander,Ifeelpanicflickerinsideme Then,suddenly,allIcan seeis him. He tries to break me Pins me down.
Igasp,jerkingaway.
BongDudeblinksatme “Youokay?” Ilookathisface.Heisnothim. Ineedsomethingelsetolatchonto “What’syourname?”Iask.
“Iprobablyshould’vetoldyouthatsooner,huh?Trystan.TrystanFairfield.” “Okay,Trystan,let’strythisagain.”Istarttoleanintokisshim.
“Wait.IthinkIshouldknowyourfullname,too,right?”heasks.“UnlessitisjustAl.” Somewhereinmystonedmind,avoiceisscreamingsomethingatme ButIcan’tmakeoutwhatitsays AfterIsaywhatI saynext,Ifinallyfigureitout.Toolate,ofcourse.
“It’sAllura,”Itellhim “AlluraEverlyson” Hegoescompletelyrigid.
“Fuck Fuck Fuck. ” He jumps off the bed. “You’re Allura Everlyson, mafia princess and soon-to-be-wife of Blaise Marielle,RyderSt.Claire,andReeceAveryson. Fuck Fuck Fuck ” “Fuckisright,”afamiliarvoicefloatsthroughtheroom. Reece,oneofmyfuturehusbands,ishere Don’t panic, Allura.
Weirdly,it’seasytokeepmypulseeven ProbablybecauseI’mstoned IgraduallysitupandglanceatthedoorwaywhereReeceisstanding.It’sdarkenoughthatifIhadn’theardhimspeak,I would’vethoughthewassomerandowatchingus.Begrudgingly,hisvoiceisalmostasfamiliarasmyown. Iscoottotheedgeofthebed “Whyareyouhere?” Heentersintotheroom.“Icouldaskyouthesamething.” “ThisisJessa’sboyfriend’sparty” Iliftmychin “soIhaveanexcusetobehere You,however,don’t” “Al…whothehellareyoutalkingto?”Jessaasks.“Issomeoneelseinthisroom?” “Wait huh?”Jaymutters
“Um…canIgonow?”Trystanaskswithhisbackpressedagainstthewall. Thesilencethatstretchesacrosstheroomismaddening.
Finally,Reeceflipsonalamp,causingsoftlighttokisstheroomandrevealthetruthofthesituation JayandJessaareonthefloor.Jessa’shairisamess,Jayhashisshirtoff,Trystanlookslikehe’sabouttopisshispants, andReeceisstandingthere,lookingasgod-likeasever Or,well,asdevil-likeasever Reeceisamixtureofbothwithpaleblondhair thatrunsdowntohischinandthebrightestblueeyes,sobrighthelooks angelic Buthe’salsodressedhead-to-toeinblack,metalpiercingsglintingfromhislipandbrow,andintricatetattoosinkthe fleshofhisarms.
He’sstaringatme,notwithanger that’snothisstyle.No,he’slookingatmecalmly. “Please,man,”Trystanpleadswithhishandsup,“Ididn’tknowwhoshewasuntiljustbarely Iswear,ifIhad,Iwouldn’t havetouchedher.”
Reeceflicksaglanceathim,hisexpressionstoic “Howmuchofherdidyoutouch?” “Arefuckingkiddingme?”Iinterrupt,fuming.“That’snoneofyourdamnbusiness.”Imaybeforcedtomarryhim,butthat doesn’tmeanheownsme
Heneverusedtobelikethis.Heusedtobefunandflirty…untilhewasabackstabbingdickhead. Istandupfromthebed.“Trystan,youcango.”Igivehimanencouraginglook. Heavoidsmygaze,fixatinghisdirectlyonReece JessaandJayhaven’tsaidaword,butJessaiswhisperinginJay’sear, probablytellinghimwhat’shappening.
WhenTrystancontinuestolookatReece,Ishakemyheadandsaytohim,“You’reseriouslygoingtowaitforhimtogive youpermissiontoleavethisroom?”
Trystanshiftshisweight.“He’sReeceAveryson.” True,butangerstillsimmersthroughmyveins.
“And I’m Allura Everlyson,” I snap. “The goddamn woman who’s going to be the key to linking the city’s four most powerful mobster families, so maybe youbetter startconsideringthatbefore youthinkmypermissionisn’tvalid enoughfor you.”
Reece’sbabybluesslidetome,ahintofdelightedsurpriseglimmeringinthem,andadarksmilecurlsathislips “Youknowwhat?She’sright,”ReecesaystoTrystan. Wait…Didhejustagreewithme? HowhighamI?
“She’s definitelymore powerful thanme,” Reece continues. “Plus, I’ve knownher all mylife, and while she maylook sweetashell,it’sall an allure Henceher name Trustme;shecanbewickedlycruel whenshewantstobe”Hegivesa shortpause,thecornersofhislipsspasming.“Seriously,Ioncesaw herhackall herdoll’sheadsoffwithabutterknife.Do youknow how longittakes tocutthroughplastic witha butter knife? Areallyfuckinglongtime Imean,the dedicationand calculationshehadtoputintocuttingofftheirheadswasborderlinepsychopathic.”
AndthisiswhyIalmostdon’thateReece.
Letmestressthe almost
AndIalmostsmileback,butIrefusetolethimobtainthatsortofsatisfaction. Ido,however,playalongbecauseTrystanisexasperating “Idon’tuse butter knives anymore,” Isay.“Icarrya knife righthere inmyholster.” Ipatmythigh.Nothingis there,but Trystanhasnoknowledgeofthis Hisbloodshoteyestraveltomyleg,andhegulps.
ReecesnapshisfingerinfrontofTrystan’sface.“KeepyourfuckingeyesupherebeforeIstabthemout.” “Jesus,”Jaymuttersfromthefloor “Whatthehellisgoingon?”
Trystanstumbles backward, his backbumpingagainstthe wall. “I-Iwasn’tl-lookingather. I-Ijust…” He takes a deep breath “Please,canIjustgo?IpromiseI’llnevercomenearheragain” “Whyareyouaddressingme?”Reecearcheshisbrowthennodshisheadatme.“Ithinkweestablishedwhothebossis.” Okay,nowI’mtrulybattlingbackasmile ButIremindmyselfofwhathedidtome,howthethreeofthemstabbedmein thebackwithaninvisibleknife. Aninvisiblebutterknife.
Trystansummonsabreathbeforeaddressingme “Allura,canIgo?” Itapmyfingeragainstmybottomlip.“Maybeifyougetdownonyourkneesandasknicely.” “Seriously?”Trystanwhispers “Yeah,”Ireplywithashrug.
ReeceiswatchingmeindelightwhileJessalookshorror-stricken. “Al,”shehisses.“Whatareyoudoing?” Ishrug.“I’mnotsureyet.”
PerhapsthisisoccurringbecauseI’mhigh.Atleast,that’stheexcuseItellmyself.I’mreallynotsostonedthatIcan’tsee pastthefog.
Trystanwaitsforabeatbeforesinkingontohisknees “Allura,canIpleaseleave?”hebegs IpauseforlongerthanIshouldbeforesaying,“Fine.Aslongasyoudon’ttellanyoneaboutmebeinghere.”
“Hewon’t,”ReeceassuresmethenstepsupbesideTrystan “Isn’tthatright?”
I’msurprisedhe’sgoingtoletTrystangosoeasily.Still,Idon’tgettoorelaxedyet.ThisisReece.He’sflakyandchanges gearsfasterthanaracecar Trystannods.“Yes,sir.”
“Good.”Reecemotionsforhimtogo.“Youcanleavenow.”
Trystanleapstohisfeetandrunsoutoftheroom,stumblingonhiswayout Jessajumpstoherfeet.“Whatinthehellwasthatabout?”
“Iseriouslyhavenoideawhat’sgoingon,”Jaymumbles “Imean,Jessasaidsomestuff,but” helooksbetweenReece andme “itcan’tbetrue.”
“Shh ”Jessashusheshimthenblastsmewithadirtylook “Whythehelldidyoudothat?That’snotlikeyou” “I’msorry,”Isay.“Ijust…”Iwaver.“IhonestlythinkI’mmorestonedthanIthought.”
Idon’twanttotellherthetruth.Jessadidn’tknowmeverywellwhenIhungoutwithReece,Ryder,andBlaise.Shehas neverwitnessedthatwildsideofme,thetroublemakingone,thegirlwhogotintofightsandtotallygotoffonitbecauseIdon’t wanttobethatgirlanymore.Can’tbe.
AndhereIam,revertingtomyoldhabitsafterspendingonlyafewminutesaroundReece Unfortunately,Ialsoeliminated mychanceofdoingwhatIsetouttodotonight.NotthatTrystanwouldfuckmeafterhediscoveredmyidentity.
“HowdidTrystanevenknowwhoyouare?”Jessaasksasshecombsherfingersthroughherhair. Ifrown.“Ihavenoidea.”
“Becausehisfatherworksforyours,”Reeceinterrupts,retrievinghisphonefromhispocket.Hechecksthescreen,frowns, andthenpocketsitagain “He’sjustalackey,soIdon’tthinkwe’ll havetoworryabouthim”Ahalf-smiletoucheshislips “Although,youstillhavetoworryaboutme.”
“Fuckyou”Imovetostridepasthim,buthisfingerswraparoundmyarm “Letmego,”Iwarn Heignoresme.“Jessa,canyougiveAlandmeamoment?” Jessashakesherhead.“I’mnotleavingheralonewithyou.”
“Jessa,”Jaywhisperswithhisbodyangledtowardher,“maybeweshouldjustgoandletthemworkitout…Afterwhat youjusttoldme…”HecastsanapprehensiveglanceatReece.
“I’mnotleavingwithoutAl”IknowittakesJessaalotofstrengthtodisagreewithhim
Reecesighsimpatientlythensaystome,“CanyouhaveyourBFFretractherclawsforafewminutes?Ineedtotalktoyou inprivate”Hegivesmethislook,onethatletsmeknowhe’stheoneincontrolhere HecouldeasilytellonmeforwhatIam doing.Andasmessedupasitis,I’dbepunishedbymyparents.Andifmyfatherisinvolved,thepunishmentwouldbepainful andhumiliating.
“It’sokay,”ItellJessa “Ineedtotalktohim,anyway” Shehesitates.“Areyousure?”
No Notatall Infact,Iwanttobeghertostay ButInod.“I’mfine.Ipromise.”
Appearingunconvinced, Jessa takes Jay’s hand and says, “Come on; let’s get a drink” To me, she adds, “I’ll be inthe livingroomifyouneedme.”SheglowersatReeceasshepasseshimwithJayintow,hiseyesblearyandbloodshotwithshots ofJackandhitsofMary.
“Wait sothemafiareallyexists?”hewhisperstoJessaastheyreachthedoorway Jessapullshimoutoftheroom,leavingthedooropen.
Themomenttheyleave,Reecewalksoverandshutsthedoor Thenhefacesme Hedoesn’tsayanything,justnibbleson hislipringwhileheassessesme.
“Wow, a speechless Reece Ididn’tthinkthatexisted” I’mpretendingto be calmonthe outside, butonthe inside, I’m jittery,restless,andworried.
TheoldReecewould’vetoldmehe’dkeepmysecret,butthisisn’ttheoldReece.ThisReeceisallshadowsandhaunted masks Heeyesmeover.“You’refeistytonight.”
Igritmyteethuntilmyjawpops Iloathehowheactslikehestillknowsme “Iamalwaysfeisty”
“Notlately…Notforthepastthreeyears.”Hepushesawayfromthedoorandcrossestheroomtowardme,scrubbingat hisforehead.
Themoverevealsthathe’swearingtheleatherbraceletIgavehimwhenwewerekids.Itpissesmeoffthathestillwears it.
“You’vebeenverysubmissive,”headds,loweringhishandtohisside.
HismentionofthatdissolvesanycalmnessIpossess.Mylipstwitch,andmyfingerscurlintofists.“Gee,Iwonderwhy.” His expression softens, but he hastily wipes his expression of all emotion “Are you implying that we made you submissive?”
Iresisttheurgetostepbackashereachesme “No AndI’mnotturningsubmissive I’mjustquieter Trustme;I’mstilla fighterwhenIneedtobe.”
I just don’t always win
Iswallowhardasthememorystartstochokeme.“Andnoneofthismatters,”Icontinue.“Ididn’tstayinthisroomsowe coulddiscusswhoIamandwhoI’mnot.”Ishiftmyweight.“Whatdidyouneedtotalktomeabout?”
Hedragshisteethalonghisbottomlipthensighs “Idon’twanttocomeoffasbossy that’sRyder’sthing,notmine but seriously,whatthehellareyoudoinghere?Andwiththatloser?”Hegivesanodtowardthedoor.
Histoneisamixtureoffrustrationandconcern He’sright IfRyderhadbeentheonetocatchmeatthisparty,hewould’ve …Well,I’mnotsureTrystanwould’vewalkedoutofthisroom.
Still,Reece’ssofterdemeanordoesn’tmakemewanttoconfessallofmydirty andapparently,nothappening sinsthatI wantedtocommittonight.
“WhatIwasdoinghereisnoneofyourbusiness,”Itellhimwithashrug.“Sorry.”
Igetatwisteddropofsatisfactioninthewayhislipsspasm
Hetakesanothersteptowardme.ThemoveiscalculatedandputshimsoclosethatIcanfeelhisbodyheat.Irefusetostep back,though Iknowhisgame Thisisabattleofpower
“Webothknowthat’snottrue.”Histoneislowandguarded.“Youmaynotwanttobelieveitbut,inthreedays,you,me, Blaise,andRyderwillallbelongtoeachother.Andthatmeansweprotecteachother.”Heextendshishandtowardme,butI slantback,elicitingasighfromhispretty,piercedlips.“Baby,webothknow it’stoodangerousforyoutobehere.Andthat guy,Trystan…”Themuscleinhisjawticks.“Youneveransweredmyquestionaboutwhyyouweremessingaroundwithhim. Doyouknowhowbadshitcould’vegonedownifsomeoneelsehadcaughtyou?Andifhedecidestorunhismouth ”
“Yousaidhewon’t,”Iremindhim,mystomachravelingwithknots.“Yousaidit’dbeokay.”
“Anditprobablywillbe,butifhedoes andwordgetsbacktoyourfatherormine,orifwordgetsbacktoRyder,”he stresses,“shit’sgonnagetbloodyfast,baby.”
Myheartispoundinginmychestashiswordsseepthroughthefogginessinmymind.“DoyouthinkRyderwillkillhimif hefindsout?”
Hegivesmealook.“YouknowhimaswellasIdo;whatdoyouthink?”
“No,Idon’tknow himaswell asyoudo,”Idisagree “Notanymore Inever did”ImayhavethoughtIdidonceupona time when I still believed that princes saved princesses fromevil queens, back when I was naïve. But then I learned that princessescanonlyrescuethemselves,andthatsometimes,theprincesaretheevilqueens “Al ”
“Stopcallingmethat.Andstopcallingme baby,”Icuthimoff,stabbingmyfingernailsintomypalms.
“Why?”hequestions “Iusedtocallyoubothallthetime”
Themuscleinmyjawticks.“Yeah,well,youlostyourrightwhenyoustabbedmeintheback.” Heremainssilentforamoment “Fairenough”
Hiscompliancethrowsmeoff,somuchsothatwhenhetakesanothersteptowardme,Idon’tmoveback,andheendsupso closethatIcanactuallysmellthescentofhiscologne
“I’llmakesureTrystandoesn’tsayaword.”Hefixeshisfingerunderneathmychin,causingmetolookupathim.“Now, pleasetellmewhyyou’reatthisshittyparty.”
Icouldlie MaybeIshould But Idon’tknow;partofmewantstotellhimthetruthsothathe’llbeannoyed MaybeI’mabouttokillthelastbreathofairinthistombthatI’mcurrentlylivingin.Perhapsthisismylastdropofair,and I’mjusthandingitovertohim Whateverthereason,Ifindmyselfhandingthetruthovertohim Ishrug.“BecauseIwantedtogettrashedandhavefunonefinaltimebeforemyfateissealed.Thanksforruiningthatfor me,bytheway”
He searches my eyes. “So, if you just wanted to get trashed and have fun, why were you in here, fooling around with Trystan?”
Iliftashoulder
Henarrowshiseyesatme.“Why?”
Ialmostgivehimatauntingsmilebutbiteitback “Becauseit’sfun” Hecocksabrow.“Messingaroundandalmostfuckingthatguyisfuntoyou?Youdidn’tusetobethatway.”
Mycheeksstupidlyflush,butIpretendtobecool.“WhosaidIwasabouttofuckhim?Iwasjustfoolingaround.ButifI wantedto,I’msurehewould’vebeendown.”Well,untilhefoundoutwhoIam.
“Oh, I’msure he would’ve.” He wets his lips with his tongue. “What I really want to know, though, is: why are you
blushingrightnow?”
Shit.Iwashopingitwasdarkenoughinthisroomthathecouldn’ttell.
“I’mjustflushed frombeingstone” Hestudiesme.“Youdon’tseemthatstoned.”
Icrossmyarms “Well,Iam” “No,you’renot.Andyouhavegoosebumpsonyourarms.”Hebrusheshisfingeralongmyarm,causingmetojolt. IhatethatIdo IhatethatIreactatall.
“Stopbeingsoobservant.”I’mflustered,andhesmilesamusedly.“Andbesides,likeIsaidbefore,whyI’mhereisnoneof yourbusiness”Withthat,Itrytoleave,buthestepsinfrontofme,andIrunintohim Imusteraninhaleandslowlyletitout,aflashofangeremerginginsideofme.Itsometimeshappensindarkmoments,and thenIlosecontrol,dostupidthings,andgetpunishedforit Withmymother,thepunishmentsareusuallymindgames Withmy father,it’saslapandakick,dependingonhismood.WhentheguysandIwereyoungerandI’dsnapatthem,they’dignoreme forlikefiveminutesbeforeforgivingme,sometimesevenwhenIdidn’tapologize Theyalwayshadasweetspotforme But thatsweetspotmorphedintoacavityovernight.
“Moveoutofmyway,Reece.”Mytoneshowsthatthemonsterisclawingatthesurface. Heshakeshishead “NotuntilyoutellmeexactlywhathappenedbetweenyouandTrystan” Ibreatheinandout,tryingtostaycalm.“Forthetenthtime,that’snoneofyourdamnbusiness!” “Itkindofis Imean,you’re myfiancée,andIjustcaughtyouinhere,messingaroundwithsome fuckingstoner ” He rubs his lips together as heopens andflexes his hands,lookingmoreriledupthanI’veever seenhim.“Iwanttoknow how muchofyouhetouched.”
Atfirst,Imerelyblinkathim.I’mnotsurewhyI’msurprised.Reecealwayssayswhateverthehellhewants.ThenIhastily collectmyself.
“I’mnottellingyou AndIdon’tknowhowoftenIhavetosaythatbeforeyougetitthroughyourthickskull” He leans inso closelythat his breathdusts mycheeks. “And I don’t know how manytimes I have to saythat it is my goddamnbusinessbecauseyou’remyfuckingfiancée”
“Notbychoice,”Igritoutwithmyhandsballedatmysides.
I’mabouttohithim,andifIdo,theconsequenceswillbebad.Maybethat’swhatIwant toletthebadcomebecauseI’m tiredofwaitingforit.
Hesucks inabreaththenreleases it.“Butit’s still true.Youdon’thaveachoiceinthis,baby.Theceremonyis goingto happen,andthere’snotadamnthinganyonecandotostopit”
Hiswordscarveacrossmywristlikecuffs.Ithurtstohear tohearthetruth,forhimtoconfirmwhatIalreadyknowbut don’twanttofullyadmittomyselfyet
Thatinthreedays,Iwillbefatedtohim,Blaise,andRyder.
Thatnothingwillstopit.
Thattheguyswon’tstopit
Thattheyaren’tmyfriendsanymore.
Iknowthisandhaveforafewyearsnow,butforsomereason,itstillhurts
“Youwanttoknowthetruth?”Isayinashakytone.“ThetruthisthatIalreadyknowthat.It’swhyIcameheretonight to losemyvirginityon my termsbecauseI’mnotgoingtogointothisstupidfateceremonyaninnocentvirginsothethreeofyou cantagteammeonourweddingnight.”
HisbreathingistheonlynoiseIcanhear,gentlefeather-likebrushesagainstmyear.
“Youreallythinkthat?” he finallysays, slantingbackand lookingme inthe eye “Thatwe’d do thatto youifyoudidn’t wantto?”
“Iknowhowfateceremonieswork”Mytoneiscringinglyshaky “Igrewupinthesameworldasyou,soIheardthesame stories.”
Acreaseformsbetweenhisbrow “Butwe’renotlikeeveryoneelse” Isnortalaugh.“Really?Becausethelastthreeyearssuggestotherwise.” Afrownformsonhislips.“I ”Hestopswhateverwordshe’sabouttosayfromleavinghislips.“Youreallycamehereto loseyourvirginity?ToaguylikeTrystan?”
Ishrug.“NotnecessarilyaguylikeTrystan.Anydecent-lookingguywould’veworked.”I’mallbravadoatthemoment.I can’tstandthatmybodyreactsthiswayjustbecauseI’mtalkingaboutsex He leans over me, his hands wandering toward my legs. I want to scream, but my mind is so foggy Itearmyselffromthememory.I’mnotgoingtheretonight.
“Ifwe’redonehere,I’mgoingtogohavefun.”Iattempttoleaveforthethirdtime.Andforthethirdtime,heblocksway.I pinchthebrimofmynose.“Justletmehavethisonenight,okay?”IlowermyhandandhopetoGodthatmaybe,justmaybe,
he’llbetheReeceIusedtoknow.
ButI’mastupid,stupidgirl.
Heoffersmearemorsefullook “I’msorry,butIcan’tletyoudothat Notonlyforyoursake,butforthesakeofthepoor bastardwhowouldendupscrewingyou.”
I close myeyes, inhale, exhale, and do somethingI don’t want to, but I’mdesperate “Please just let me have this one night.” Iopenmyeyes and carryhis gaze. “I’mnever goingto have this againbecause inthree days” myvoice drops to a whisper “mylifewillbeover”
Hisexpressionsoftensashereachesoutandtucksastrandofhairoutofmyeyes. Ifeelsodamnashamedofmyself.Ijustbeggedhimtoletmehavefuntonight. Beg
Ask.
Need permission
Mylifeiswritteninthosewords,arepeatedmantraofinkonapieceofpaperIwanttotearup.
“YouknowIcan’tletyoudothat,”heutters,andifIdidn’tknowanybetter,I’dswearhesoundedabitremorseful Iwanttoarguewithhim.Iwanttoscream.IwanttomarchintothatroomandmakeoutwiththefirstguyIfind.Ishould.I shouldn’tcareaboutwhatwouldhappentothatguyorwhatwouldhappentome.
Icouldmakethelatterhappen,butIdon’tthinkIcanberesponsibleforsomeoneelsegettinghurt “Whatever.Fine.I’ll gohome.”Istepforward,buthesnagsaholdofmyarm.Iblow outanexasperatedbreath.“Ifyou wantmetobeagoodgirl,youhavetoletmego”
Hecocksabrow.“WhosaysIwantyoutobeagoodgirl?” Iglareathim.“Idon’tgiveashitwhatyouwantmetobe.I’monlygoinghomebecauseIknowyou’lltellonmeifIdon’t.” Hedragshisteethalonghisbottomlip.“MaybeI’lltell,anyway.” Mystomachwindsintoknots.Ihatethis.Hatethateveryonehassomuchcontroloverme.
“Whatever Tellonmeifyouwantto Maybemydadwillfinallykillme,andIwon’thavetogothroughwiththisstupid fateceremony.”Imovetoswingaroundhim,buthetightenshisholdonmyarm.Notroughlyoranything,butitstillpissesme off “Let Me Go”
Withabriefpause,hegraduallyremoveshishandfrommyarm.“Iwon’ttellonyouifyoudosomethingformeinreturn.” Wrathsmoldersinsideofme.“Areyouseriouslyblackmailingmerightnow?” Heliftsashoulder.“That’sonewaytolookatit.” “That’stheonlywaytolookatit,”Isnap. IknowIdon’thaveachoice Ihavetoagree,orI’mindeepshit “Whatdoyouwant?”
Hesucksononeofhisliprings “There’salotofthingsIwant However,forrightnow,allI’mgoingtomakeyoudois promisemeonething thatyou’llowemeafavor,onethatIcancashinwheneverIfeellikeit.”Hegivesashortpausethen adds,“AndIwantustosealthedealwithakiss.”
IwasalreadyopeningmymouthtosayI’lltakethedeal,butthentheotherpartofthedealregisters Akiss?Hewantsme tofuckingkisshim?
Mymotherisright Icanbesostupidsometimes BecausewhenReecefirstasksmetokisshimtosealourdeal,Ithinkhe’s kidding me. I even wait for himto bust up laughing or something. But he stands there in front of me, looking unsettlingly serious,andthenithitsmelikeaviolentwave.
Ofcourse,he’sserious ThisisReece,theguywhostabbedmeinthebackallthoseyearsago Theguywhotormentedme formylastthreeyearsofhighschoolandwho’splayinganactiveroleinthisfateceremony.
“Fine,”Igrowlout “I’llkissyou,butonlybecauseyou’renotgivingmeanotherchoice” “There’salwaysachoice,”hesays,reducingthespacebetweenuswithafewsteps.“Youcanchooseifyouwantto.” Myfingerscurlinward,andmyfingernailsstabsodeeplyintomypalmsthatcrescent-shapedmarkswillbeembeddedin myflesh.“No,Ireallydon’thaveachoice.”Ileanintokisshimandgetitoverwith,butheslantsback. “Iwanttoaskyousomethingfirst.”Heglancesfrommylipstomyeyes.“Howmanyguyshaveyoukissedsinceyoukissed me?”
Myirritationbuildsasheremindsmethat,onceuponatime,ItrustedhimsodeeplythatIlethimgivememyfirstkiss.We werefourteen,andIhadstartedfreakingoutbecauseIthoughtIwasgettingtoooldnottohavebeenkissedbefore WhenItold Reece,we’dbeenlyingonmybed,listeningtooldCDsIboughtatathriftstore.Angstymusicwasplayinginthebackground as welaynexttoeachother Hewas leaningagainstmyheadboardwhilemyheadrestedonapillow towardthefootofthe bed.I’dbeenstaringattheceilingforoverthirtyminutes,listeningtolyricsthatspokeofsoulmates,emotions,andheartache, andIwantedtoassesstheirmeaning,butIhadn’tevengottenmyfirstkissyet.
“Iskissingreallythatbigofadeal?”Isuddenlyaskedhim Hehadbeendoingsomethingonhis phone,buthepausedwhenIsaidthis.Icouldn’tseehis face;Icouldjustsensehis eyeswereonme
“Youstillhaven’tbeenkissed?”hefinallyasked.
“Iwould’vetoldyouifIhad,”Ireplied,proppingmyselfuponmyelbowsandlookingathim.“IthoughtJameswasgoing to at the party, but then he just hugged me and muttered something about how he thought I was a good friend.” I groaned, floppingbackonthebed.“Idon’twantanymoreguyfriends Ihaveenoughofthosealready.Toomanysometimes,ifyouask me”
“Gee,Ifeelsoloved,”hesaiddryly.
“Sorry,”Imutteredanapology Then,sighing,Isatup “I’mirritatedwithstuffandtakingitoutonyou” “Iknow.”Heputhisphonedownandsatupstraighter,crossinghislegs.“WhatcanIdotohelp?Younameit,andwe’lldo it.”
Iliftedashoulder.“Idon’tknow…”Iwavered.“I’mIun-kissable.” Hiseyeswidenedslightly.“Youthinkyou’reun-kissable?”
Ishrugged “Noonewillkissme,sokindof”
Hedithered,chewingonhisbottomlip.“Al,you’renotun-kissable.You’refuckinggorgeous.”
“Youhavetosaythatbecauseyou’remybestfriend”Ifloppedbackontothebed,feelinggrumpyasIsankfurtherintomy pityparty.
Ifeltthe bed move, and thenReece appeared above me. He had this strange expressionas he leaned over me, as ifhe couldn’tquitedecideonsomething
“Iactuallydon’t,”hetoldme.“Idon’ttellBlaiseorRyderthatIthinkthey’refuckinggorgeous.” “Becausethat’dbeweird”
“AndbecauseIdon’tthinkit’strue.Sure,they’regood-lookingdudes,buttheydon’thavetheseprettyeyes” hetraceda fingeralongthebottomofoneofmyeyes “ortheselips” hethenbrushedthepadofhisthumbacrossmybottomlip “and
don’tevengetmestartedontheselonglegs.”Hegrazedhisfingeralongmyknee. Iarchedabrowathim.“Ifthat’strue,thenwhywillnoonekissme?”
“Becauseguysgetintimidatedbyprettygirls” “Youdon’t.”
“Yeah,butI’macockyflirt” “True.”
Hesmiled,butitfalteredslightlyasheconsideredsomething “Ifyouwant,Icandoitforyou” Mybrowsknit.“Dowhat?”
Ahintofnervousnessreflectedinhiseyes,whichwasreallyweirdforhim.“Giveyouyourfirstkiss.” Istartedtolaugh,thinkinghewasjoking,butwhenhedidn’tevencrackasmile,Irealizedhewasn’t “You’reseriouslyofferingtokissme?”Iquestioned.
Henodded “Iam”
I eyed himover, wonderingif I should let him. Reece was one of mybest friends, and while kissingcould complicate things,Idoubteditwouldwithhim MaybeifitwasRyderorBlaise,butReecewasthesortofguywhocouldkissoneofhis friendsjustforfun.
“Allright.”
“Yeah?”Heseemedabitsurprised Inodded.“Yeah,let’sdoit.”
Hewastednotime,leaningoverandlickinghislips Thenhislipsunitedwithmine Anditwasperfect aperfectkiss Butjustbecausethatkissallthoseyearsagowasperfectdoesn’tmeanI’meagertokisshimrightnow. “I’vekissedahandful,”Ireplyvaguely.“Notthatit’sanyofyourfuckingbusiness.”
“Isn’tit?”hemumblesbutshakeshishead.Thenheslideshisarmaroundmywaistandpresseshispalmtothesmallofmy back.Istarttoleanin,buthestopsme,reachingupandbrushingthepadofhisthumbalongmybottomlip.“Istill thinkyou havethemostgorgeouslipsever”Hegivesmenochancetorespond,dippinghisheadandkissingme
The moment our mouths come into contact, I become painfully aware that I should’ve set some terms for this kiss, specificallynotongue ButbeforeIcanpullback,he’spartingmylipsandslippinghistongueintomymouth Igriphisshirt, brieflylosingmymindandpullinghimcloserashedevoursme,hisfingerstravelingupmybackthensoftlytuggingatmyhair.
Ifuckinggroan,likeafull-ondesperate,patheticgroan.
Ijerkawayand trip back, barelyable to getoxygeninto mylungs. His eyelids flutter open, and whenhis gaze sweeps acrossme,hesmasheshislipstogethersoforcefullytheskinaroundhislipsturnswhite.
“We’redonehere,”Isnap,loathingtheunevennessinmytone
Iveeraroundhim,half-expectinghimtoblockmypathyetagain,butheallowsmetopass,andthenannoyinglytagsalong afterme
Ispinaroundrightbeforewereachthelivingroom.“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Walkingyoutoyourcar,”heclarifies,ripplingwithtensionashepeersaroundthecrowdedroom.
“Icangettheremyself,”Itellhim,crossingmyarms “Idon’tneedanescort” Heshakeshishead.“Sorry,butIcan’tletyoudothat.Younevershould’vebeenwalkingaroundthisareaalone.” Ibreatheinandoutofmynosetostopmyselffromexploding ThenImarchthroughthecrowdinsearchforJessa She’sin thekitchen,takingashotwithJay.Whenshespotsme,hereyeslightup,butthenherexpressionbunchesintoascowl.
“What’swrong?”sheasksasIreachher “Whyishefollowingyou?”
“Ihavetoleave,”Ishoutoverthemusic.“Youcantotallystayifyouwantto,though.”
SheshakesherheadthenhandsheremptyshotglasstoJay.“I’mnotlettingyougoanywherealonewithhim.”Sheglaresat Reece
“She’snotleavingwithme.”Reecemovesupbesideme.“I’mjustwalkinghertohercar.” Herfrowndeepens “Whydowehavetoleave?”sheasksme “Can’thejustkeephismouthshut?Imean,heowesyouthat much.”
She’sright,butthatdoesn’tmeanthingsworkthatway Rightandwrongisnonexistentinthisworld
“It’s notsafe here,” Reece says, tenselypeeringaround again. “And while Ican’ttell youto leave” his gaze lands on Jessa “I’drecommendit.”
“Well, Iwas planningonit, butI’monlydoingitso Icango withmybestie” She flips her hair offher shoulder “Not becauseyou’retellingmeIshould.”
“Whatever”TensionisrollingoffReeceinawayI’veneverseenbefore Maybethat’sjusthow heisnow,butforsome reason,Igetthefeelingsomethingterriblemaybegoingdownhere.PerhapsI’mbeingparanoid.Idon’tknow.
“Wait you’releaving?”Jayaskswithapoutyfrown.
Jessaleansforwardandwhisperssomethinginhisearthatmakeshimbitehislip.Theystartkissing,andIlookatReece. Weirdly,he’sstaringoutintothecrowdwithabitingedgeinhisposture.
Somethingisdefinitelywrongwithhimtonight.ButIdon’tcare.Idon’t.
Okay,Ikindofdo,butIkeepthattomyselfandstareatthewallwhileJessafinishesmakingoutwithJay.Aboutaminute later,they’redone,andJaygivesusashotbeforeweleave Wemakeourwayoutside,mewhisperinganapologytoJessafor makingusleave.
“Where’syourdriverparked?”Reeceasksasheglancesaroundatthecarsparkedalongthenight-kissedstreetilluminated bythe faintglow ofstreetlamps. The moonlightmixes withthe lighting, makingiteasyto see thatmore people are loitering aroundthanwhenJessaandIarrived Anuneasyshiverrollsthroughmybody “Bythe movie theater,” Itell Reece as Ilinkarms withJessa andstartdownthe sidewalk,myheels clickingagainstthe concrete.
“What?”Histoneislacedwithangerasherushesafterus
I get a twisted sense of satisfaction at his reaction and throw an innocent smile over my shoulder. “What else was I supposedtodo?Icouldn’tletanyoneknowwhereIwasgoing,soIhadtodeviseaplan”
“Youshouldn’thavecomehereatall,”Reecebitesoutwithanedgeinhistone,hishandsstuffedintohispockets. Anxietyisreverberatingoffofhisravelingmuscles,aspotentastheshotItookrightbeforeIleftthehouse Itwasenough to lessenthe tensionIfeltaboutthe night. Ofcourse, inthree days, all ofthis will be gone, and I’ll be leftwithnothingbut anxiety.
“Youdon’tneedtocomewithus,”Imumble,turningbackaround “I’mperfectlycapableofwalkingmyselfafewblocks”
“Afew blocks?Tryamile,baby,”hesayswithalaugh.
Jessalooksatmeandmouths,“Baby?”
Ishakemyhead.I’lldealwithReece’sstupidnicknamelater.Rightnow,I’mjustreadytogetawayfromhim.
Iquickenmypace.“I’llbefine.Iwalkedhereonmyownwithoutanyproblems.”
Jessacastsadisagreeingglanceatme,probablythinkingofthecreeperwhoharassedusatthetheater.
“Yeah,andyou’relucky,”Reecemumblesthenjogsupbesideme.“I’mnotlettingyouwalkbacktothetheateralone.It’s toodangerous”
“No, it’s not,” Iargue. “No one ever recognizes who Iam. Trystandidn’tevenknow until Itold himmyname. They’ll recognizeyou,though”
Hishandsareathissidesnow,hisfingerstwitchingashescansthehousesandcarsinthearea.“Thatmayhavebeentrue inthepast,butinthreedays,you’regoingtobethemostknownwomaninthemafiaworld.”
“Don’tremindme.”Iquickenmypaceastearsthreatentoworktheirwayup. I hate this.
This life
This world. I want out
ButReecerefusestoletmewalkthreestepswithoutremindingmewhoIam.HefollowsmewhileJessawalkswithme, remainingfairlyquiet,butIcantellshewantstosaysomething.Noonedoes,though,andtensesilencehauntsusallthewayto thetheater
Beforeweroundthefrontofthebuilding,IstopandfaceReece.Thesidewalkisratherdark,andtheairischilly,making goosebumpssproutacrossmyflesh
“Youneedtogonow,”Itellhim,“unlessyouwantmetogetbustedforgoingtothatparty.”Partofmethinkshedoes.
“I’llfollowyoutotheedgeofthebuilding” hepointstoaspotjustinfrontofus “andwatchyoufromaroundthecorner tomakesureyougetintothecarsafely.”
Iwanttoargue,butI’vetriedthatadozentimestonightandhaven’tgottenanywhere,soIjustnodandstartforwardwith Jessaintow Reecedoesashesaysandstopsshortofsteppingoutinfrontofthetheater
“Iwonderifthatguy’sstillhere,”JessamuttersasshelooksatthefrontofthetheaterandthenattheparkinglotwhileItext mydrivertopickusup
It’slate,sohardlyanyoneisaround.
TheneonglowofthemarqueeglowsacrossJessa’sface,revealingherdilatedpupilsandflushedcheeks Shelooksdrunk, andI’mguessingIdo,too.
Great.I’msoscrewed.
“Ifheis,Idoubthe’llbotherus,”ItrytoreassureherwhilesneakingaglanceovermyshoulderatReece Icanmakeout hisoutlineintheshadows,hisbodyslightlycontrastingwiththenight.“Andifhedoes,maybethistimeI’lltasehisass.”Iturn backaround
“Reecewillprobablykillhimbeforeyouevencan,”shemumbles.
Igrimace.“You’reprobablyright.”
“Whatwereyouguysdoinginthatroom…?”Shetrailsoffasourcarpullsuptothecurb.“ThankGod,”Jessabreathesout inrelief.
“Becool,”Iwarnaswehiketowardthecarwithourarmslooped.
Whenweclimbintothebackseat,Ellisstudiesus,andIwonderifhecantell we’redrunkandstoned.Canhesmell the partyonus?Doesheknow?
“Wasthemoviegood?”heasksinacasualtone.
“Itwasokay,”Itellhim,hopingI’mnotslurringmywords
Helooksatusforabeatlongerbeforerotatingaroundintheseat.Thenhedrivesoutontothestreet.
Theridehometakesabouttwentyminutesaswetakethefreewaytotheheartofthecity WedropJessaofffirst,andbythis time,she’spassedout.
Igiveherasoftshaketowakeherup.“Hey,Jess,we’rehere.”
“WhereamI?”sheasks,rubbinghereyeswiththeheelsofherhands
“You’rehome.”Ihelphersitup.
Ellisispretendinghe’snotpayingattention,butIcantellhe’sobservingusintherearviewmirror
“Oh.Yeah.Right.”Jessablinksafewtimesbeforereachingforthedoor.Thenshepausesandturnstome.“Areyousure you’llbeokay witheverything?”
InodasIsinkbackintheseat.“Yeah.Ialwaysam.”
She sighs heavily.“Iknow this is horrible for you,butyouwon’tbe able toignore itforever.Eventually,you’ll have to dealwiththiswholefateceremonything”WhenIfrown,shesighsagain “I’malwayshereforyou,nomatterwhat Remember that,okay?YouandIaregoingtobebestfriendsuntilwedie.Maybeevenafterthat.”Shesmiles.
Ireturnit,butIknowthetruth IfIeverwanttoescapethislifeandstartover,itmeansleavingeverythingbehind,including her.
