The Lies That Shatter: A Dark Mafia Romance Emma Luna
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COPYRIGHT©2024BYEMMALUNA
Allrightsreserved Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recording, scanning,orotherwisewithoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher.Itisillegaltocopythisbook,postittoawebsite,ordistributeitbyanyothermeanswithout permission
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fullyBrutalSeries
rNote
rWarning ation
ue–Finn
Kenna
Kenna
Kenna
Kenna
cKenna
nn nn
cKenna
nn
cKenna nn nn cKenna
nn cKenna nn nn
cKenna
cKenna
ue-McKenna
fullyBrutalSeries wledgments
AboutEmmaLuna
EmmaLuna
yEmmaLuna
Iwasraisedtobealiar,amastermanipulator.
Ahoneytrap
Myjobistomakewomencraveme,thenusethemforwhateverbenefitstheDoughtyFamily.
I'vebeendoingitsolong,IthoughtI'dneverknowwhatlovereallyfeltlike Untilshecamebackintomylife McKennaLowrywasmychildhoodbestfriendandfirstlove,butIpushedherawayandhurtusboth. Nowshe'sback,andsheknowsallthesecretsI'vetriedtokeephidden. She'snolongerrunning.
Instead,she'sclaimingmeashers,thewayshe'salwaysbeenmine ButIcan'tgivemyhearttoherandmybodytoothers... CanI?
Together,wehavetopulloffonefinaljobtodestroyourenemiessowecanleavethismafialifestylebehind. Butwitheverythingontheline,canwefinallygetourhappilyeverafter,orwilltheliesshatterusintheend?
TheLiesThatShatterisadarkmafiaromancethatispartoftheBeautifullyBrutalSeries.ThisisFinnandMcKenna’slove story
WELCOMETOTHEBEAUTIFULLYBRUTALSERIES
TheBeautifullyBrutalseriesfollowstheDoughty’s,anIrishMafiaFamilythatarefightingtoholdontotheirpower.Eachof themainbooksintheseriesfollowsonesiblingandthepersontheyfallinlovewith.Sowhileeachcouplewillgettheirown HFNendingintheirbook,youwillgetmoreoutoftheseriesbyreadingtheothers Therearemainplotsandthemesthatrun throughallthemainbooks,andtheothercharactersfeatureheavilyinallthebooks.So,youwillgetmoreoutofreadingallthe booksintheseries Seeendofbookformoreinformation
The Lies That Shatter is a dark mafia romance that is only intended for mature readers. It may contain themes that are distressingforsomepeople Seetriggerwarningpageformoreinformation,orpleasecontactmedirectly
Emma Luna is a Britishauthor, and The Lies That Shatteris set inEngland and Ireland Therefore, UK Englishspelling, grammar,andphraseshavebeenused.Ifyoufindanyerrors,pleasedon’thesitatetoemail:
emmalunaauthor@gmailcom
Ifyouenjoythis bookandwanttobethefirsttoreceiveuptodateinformationandgiveaways,youcanjoinmymailinglist here:
https://www.emmalunaauthor.com
HopeyoufallinlovewithFinnandMcKennaasmuchasIhave.Whenthegirlhe’slovedforyearscomesbackintohislifeto claimhim,canhegiveherhisheart,whenhisbodybelongstoothers?
TheLiesThatShatterisonlyintendedformaturereaders,andfeaturessomescenesthatmaybetriggeringforpeople.
Thislistfeaturesthemaintriggersinthebook,butisnotexhaustive.Iacknowledgethatsomepeoplehavetriggersthatmaynot betriggersforothers.So,ifyouareworried,pleasereachouttome.Iwillrespondquickly,andinthestrictestofconfidences, lettingyouknow ifyourtrigger featuresinthebookornot.Pleasedon’tworryaboutgettingincontactwithme.Yourmental healthisimportanttome,andIdon’teverwantanyonetobetriggeredreadingmybooks!
Pleasenote-whilsttheworldthebooksaresetinisdark,therelationshipbetweenthemaincharactersisnot Ultimatelyitis alovestory.
TRIGGERSINCLUDE:
Violence
Torture
Murder
Gunviolence
Kidnapping
Referencestochildhoodabuse(physicalandsexual)
Humantrafficking(includingchildren)
Referencestosexualslavery
Sexualabuse-onpage(notbetweenMCs)
Discussionaroundmentalhealthanddepression
DiscussionaroundPregnancyLoss
To Jamie,
You pushed me to finish this book when I didn’t think I could You’ve always believed in me, even when I don’t believe in myself.
I wouldn’t be the person I am without you!
I love you, always!
11YEARSAGO
“Finn,openthisfuckingdoorrightnowbeforeIkickitin,”Liamshoutswhilstbanginghisfistontheothersideofmylocked bedroomdoor.
Ithrow myselfbackwards, so I’mlayingonthe bed Iwas justsittingonthe edge of, and letouta large groanbefore pullingmyhandsthroughmydirty-blondehair.Ishouldhaveknownmynoseybastardofalittlebrotherwouldn’tkeepoutof mybusiness
Itrytoignorehimforalittlebit,hopingthathemighttakethehintandfuckoff,butIknowthat’sjustwishfulthinking.My brotherisnothingifnotstubbornandpersistent.WhenthebanginggetssoloudthatIcanpracticallyfeelthedoorvibrating,not toofarawayfrombeingrippedoffitshinges,Ipullmyselfupoffthebed ThelastthingIneedisDadkickingmyassbecauseI brokemybedroomdoor.Liamishisgoldenchild,sothere’snowayhewouldevergettheblame.
Islowlypullthedooropen,asternexpressiononmyfaceasItakeinmyyoungerbrother,standingbeforemewithhis fistraised,readytobangagain.Liammaybeayearyoungerthanme,buthedoesn’tlookit.Hespendsmoretimeinthegym thanIdo,andhe’smuscularwhereI’mmorelean.He’salsogotthetypicaltall,dark,handsome,andbroodingthinggoingfor himthatwomengocrazyfor.
I’mtheeasy-goingbrotherwithdirty-blondehair,blueeyes,andgirlssayIhavethesortofgoodlooksyou’dtypically find ina boyband thoughI don’t see that as a compliment, I know it is It tookme a longtime to see that girls find me attractive,because inall honesty,there’s onlyever beenone girl for me,andearlier today,Iburntthatshittothe groundfor good
“Whatthefuckinghelldoyouthinkyou’replayingat?PleasetellmethateverythingIjustheardisalie,”shoutsLiamas hebargeshiswayintomyroom,slammingthedoorbehindhim.
Iwince atthe loud noise the door makes slammingagainstthe woodendoorframe, butthat’s nothingcompared to the
furiouslookonmybrother’sface.
Despite clearlybeingDad’s favourite, and the siblingwiththe mostpotential to excel inour world, he reallydoesn’t giveashitaboutanyofit
WewerealltrainedbyDadfromayoungage,ashedesperatelytriedtofindrolesforuswithintheFamilybusiness.
Evanwaseasy Astheoldest,hewasalwaysmeanttobecomeDad’sheir Forashorttime,DadwantedLiamtobehis heir,afterseeingthathewasgoodatnearlyeverything,butLiamdeclined,sayingthejobwasalwaysmeanttobeEvan’s.
Despite Liamexcelling at everything, his true talent became very obvious quite quickly He’s an amazing marksman, whichDadcultivatedtoturnhimintoanassassin.Despitestillonlybeingfifteenyearsold,he’squicklygainingareputationas oneofthemosttalentedinthebusiness atitlemyfatherboastsaboutateveryopportunity.
Liamhadnotonlylearnttokillpeopleinsuchacleanandclinicalway,hecouldalsocompartmentaliseandnotletthe kills get into his head. The abilityto turnhis emotions onand off has always beenhis greatest strength, whichis whyI’m surprisedtoseehimlookingangryandunrestrained
Ishrughimoff,playinginnocent,despite knowingexactlywhathe’s talkingabout.“Ihave noidea whatyou’re talking about,Bro Youmaywanttoelaboratealittlemore”
“Mac,”hegrindsout,hiseyeslaser-focusedonmeashewatchesforanyhintofunderstanding.
Despitehimsayingtheonewordthatgutsmetothecore,Iremembermytrainingandkeepmyfaceanunreadablemask. MyheartisracingandIfeelsicktomystomachasItrynottothinkaboutwhathappenedbetweenusearliertoday Ialready feellikeI’mrottingslowlyfromtheinsideout.Idon’tneedmybrothertobringitupandgutmefurther.
Isinkdowntotheedgeofmybed,tryinghardnottofidgetasLiampacesaroundinfrontofme Hecontinuestogiveme ahard,penetratingstare,allowingthesilencetosuffocatemeashewaitsformetocavefirst.Normally,Iwouldtrytoholdout alittlelonger,buthewon’tletthisdrop,soit’sbettertojustgetitoveranddonewith.
Lettingoutadeepsigh,Itrytokeeptheemotionoutofmyvoiceandhopelikehellhebelievesmylies.“Look,Lee,you don’tneed to getinvolved. This has beena longtime coming. McKenna told me todaythatshe’s beeninlove withme for years,andshewantstogototheend-of-yearpromwithme SheassumedIfeltthesameway,whichiswhyshewasmorethan happytorisktheeleven-yearfriendshipwe’vehad.
“ItoldherthatIdon’tfeelthesameway,andIneverwould Ionlyseeherasafriend,andnow she’sgoneandruined that. Idon’tknow whythe fuckyou’re angrywithme. She’s the one who decided to openup abouther feelings and fucking blowupourfriendship.
“Ofcourse,I’mfuckingguttedthatIupsether,butIcan’thelpthatIdon’tfeelthesameway.AndnowthatI’vetoldyou whathappened,Iwouldbegratefulifyouwouldmindyourownbastardbusinessandleavemethefuckalone.Okay?”
Liampauses,his piercinggreeneyes thatlooksomuchlikeour mum’s bore intome,andas one twitches,Iknow he’s tryingtotellifI’mlyingornot.
Mybrotherisabloodygoodjudgeofcharacter,andcanreadpeople’stellseasily Withanyoneelse,I’msurehewould haveknowntheywerelying,butnotwithme.
AsImentionedbefore,allmysiblingshaveatalent,andlyingismine.Forawhile,Ididn’tthinkIhadone nottheway mybrothersdo Butitsoonbecameclearthatlying,andreadingpeopleinawaythatallowsmetomanipulatethesituation,are mygreateststrengths.
IhavealsobeenlearninghowtousemylookstogetwhatIwantoutofpeople Ihateit,andIfeelfuckingrepulsedby myroleintheFamily,butthereisapartofmethat’srelievedIfinallyhavearoletoplay.There’snothingworsethanfeeling leftoutandinferiortomysiblings
“Idon’tbelieveawordyoujustsaid,”Liamhisses,beforesittingnexttome.“Don’tgetmewrong,you’reagoodliar, andeveryoneelsewillbelieveyou,butnotme.Iknowyou,Finn.Iknowyou’vebeeninlovewithMcKennaLowrysinceyou werefiveyearsold Youcamehomefromyour firstdayofschool andtoldeveryoneyouhadmetthegirl youweregoingto marry.”
“Fuck,Liam Iwasakid Givemeabreak,”Igroan,runningmyfingersthroughmydirty-blondehair It’sgettingalittle longerontop,whichallowsmetograbthestrandsandtug,causingthatdeliciousstingonmyscalp.
Liamgentlyrestshishandonmyshoulder,hiswayoftryingtogetmetostoppullingonmy hair.Imaynotlikeitwhenmybrotherlooksangry,butthedisappointed,sadexpressionhehasonhisfacerightnowis evenworse.
“Don’tlietome,Finn Iknowyou’vebeenwaitingforyourshotwithMacforforever Andyouhavebeentalkingabout askinghertopromforawhile,evenifitwasjustasfriends.Sonowshe’sfinallyadmittedthatshefeelsthesameway,whythe hell didyouburnittotheground?Iheardshedidn’ttakeitwell”LiamgrimacesandIcan’thelpbutdothesameasIthink aboutwhathappenedjustacoupleofhoursearlier.
“Inever intended for itto happenso publicly. We were sittingona benchjustoutside the school gates, butwhenour voicesbecameraised,ofcourse,allthenoseybastardsfromourschoolthatwerenearbystartedtoedgeclosertolistentoall thejuicygossip.Itriedtoletherdowngently,tellingherIdon’tfeelthesameway,butshecalledmealiar.Shesaidsheknew
Ilikedhertoo,whichiswhyshewassowillingtoriskourfriendship.
“Shepleadedwithmetotakeachanceonus,andIsaidsomehurtfulthingstogethertodropthesubject.Iwentabittoo far,andshereiteratedthatnotonlyisourfriendshipover,butshewillnevergivemeasecondchance Ibelieveshesaidthat whenIfinallygetmyhead outofmyass, Iwill regretwhathappened today,” Irecount, hatingthe waymyheartaches as I remembereachagonisingdetail
“She’s right. Youdo have your head up your ass. We all know you’re crazyabouther, so Iwantto know whyyou’ve pushedheraway,”Liamrespondssternly,soundingsomucholderthanheis
Igroan,wipingmyhanddownmyface infrustration.“Whatthe hell does itmatter? It’s done now,andwe bothknow there’snogoingback.Besides,she’sbetteroffwithoutme.”
Liamchuckles,butit’sdarkandhumourless “Nowwe’regettingsomewhere Soyoudidpushheraway,butwhy?”
“Dadgavememyfirstassignment.He’sbeentalkingaboutmetakingonmyfirstsologigforawhile,butImanagedto put himoff by saying I wanted to finish school first Now that my main school years are done, I have to join the Family businessforgood.Icanstayonfortwomoreyearsatschoolorgotocollege,ifIchoose,butIcan’tputoffmyjobsanylonger. AndIcan’ttakeontherolesDadhasplannedformewhilstI’mwithMac Shedeservesbetterthanthat”
Liampushes to his feet and begins pacingaround myroomagainlike a caged lion, his anger over the situationnow beginningtobubbleover.Asthedaysgoon,LiamhasgrownmoreandmoreangryoverthewayDadtreatsus,andheregularly talksaboutusallleavinghimandthislifebehind
IwanttosaythatI’monboardwithhim,butwehaveverydifferentrelationshipswithourfather.Liamhasalwaysbeen thegoldenchild,andcandonowronginhiseyes WhereasIhavebeenseekinghisapprovalandcompetingwithmysiblings foreventheslightestdropofhisloveforaslongasIcanremember.
SonowthatIfinallyhaveachancetoprovemyselftohim,andtomakehimproud,IknowIhavetodoit.IjustwishI didn’thavetolosetheonepersonwhomeansthemosttomeinthisworld.
“This is fuckingridiculous. We have talked aboutthis, Finn. The idea thatyouare goingto sell your body, to lie and manipulateyourwayintowomen’sbeds,justtogettheinformationDadneeds it’sdisgusting”Venomdripsfromeveryone ofLiam’swords,andIhatethewayhemakesmefeelsosleazy.
“Fuckyou,Lee Youhaveyourrole,andIhavemine Isitideal?Fuck,no DoIwishIwasgoodateverythinglikeyou sothatIcouldtakemypickofjobs?Hellyes,Ido.Butthat’snothowlifeworks.IfinallyhaveatalentthatDadcanmakeuse of,andafteralotofyearsfeelingliketheoutsiderinmyowngoddamnfamily,Inow feellikeIampartofthings.LikeIcan finallypullmyweight.Macwasjustaninevitablecasualty,”Iexplain,tryingtosoundasimpassiveasIcan.Giventhewayhis sterngreeneyeslockwithmine,IcantellIhaven’tbeensuccessful.
“Macdoesn’thavetobeacasualty,Finn Wecouldhaveworkedsomethingout”Liamsoundsexasperated,likehecan’t believewe’reevenhavingthisconversation,andIknowhowhefeels.IneverthoughttherewouldeverbeadaywhereMac wasn’tthebiggestpartofmylife
“There’s nothingto workout. Youcan’tfixeverything, Lee. The jobs I’mgoingto be doinginvolve targetingwomen, lyingtothem,gettingthemtofallforme,possiblywhoringmyselfouttothem,orevenmarryingthem,allsoIcanmanipulate theminsomeway ItcouldbetogetwhatDadwants,or tosteal fromthem Ihavetomakethemfall inlovewithme,andI can’tdothatifIfeellikeI’mcheatingonMcKenna.IfI’mgoingtodomyjobproperly,thesewomenneedtoreallybelieveI careforthem,andIwon’tbeabletodothatifallIcanthinkaboutisher
“I’mnotlikeyou,Liam.Ican’tcompartmentalisethewayyoudo.IfI’mwithMac,Ican’tdothejobsDadwantsmeto do,andifIdon’tdothem,Iamofnousetothisfamily IhatethatI’vehurtMac,andyouhavenoideahowfuckingguttedIam aboutallofthis.I’vewaitedalmostmywholelifeforhertotellmehowshefeels,andshedoesitthedayafterIagreetowork forDad.Talkaboutshittiming,”Isnap,thoughIcan’treallyplaceanyblameonMcKenna’sshoulders.
Todaymayhavebeenthedayshefinallyadmittedaloudhowshefeels,butIthinkIhaveknownforalongtimethatshe likesmetoo.Ijustdidn’thavetheballstodoanythingaboutitincaseitriskedourfriendship.Now,Ihavelostthegirlofmy dreams,andmybestfriendallinoneday
“Please,Finn,youhavetomakethisright,oryouwillregretit,”Liampleads,andIwantmorethananythingtolistento him
“Don’tyouthinkIwanttofixthis,butIcan’t.Imade mychoice,andnow Ihave tolive withit.McKenna was pretty fuckingclearthatIwon’tevergetasecondchancewithher.I’veblownit,andIhavetoacceptthat.Imademydecision…I choseourfamily,whichiswhatI’vebeentrainedtodomywholelife
“DoIwishIcouldhavemadeadifferentchoice?Ofcourse,Ido.IwantmorethananythingtobeabletohaveMacand stillmakeDadproud,butIcan’tdoboth Macdeservesaguywhowillgivehereverything,andwhowillonlyhaveeyesfor her.AndeventhoughIknowIwillneverhaverealfeelingsforanyofthewomenI’mforcedtodate,itwouldalwaysfeellikeI wascheatingonher,andIwouldneverdothat.
“IfIwere to ever getthe chance to be withMac, for real, she would be myentire world. No other women, no shitty lifestyle,justher.That’swhyIpushedheraway,becauseshedeservestobemyuniverse,anduntilIcangiveherthat,it’snot
fairformetowanther.”
Liamletsoutanotherexasperatedgroan,andIcantellhe’sbecomingmoreandmorefrustratedwithmyanswers.We’re goingaroundincircles,gettingnowhere I’vemademydecision,andevenifIwantedtochangeit,Ican’t Machas madeit veryfuckingclear.
“How thehell canyoubeokaywithherbeingwithanotherguy?”heasks,andmyinsidesbegintoknotsobadlyIfeel likeImightbesick,asarageI’veneverfeltbeforebubblesunderthesurface,makingmyskincrawl.
Iclenchmyhandsintofistsandtrytogetcontrolofmyemotions “Ifuckinghatetheideaofherbeingwithanyoneelse It makesmewanttosliceoffeveryinchoftheirskinforeventhinkingtheycantouchwhat’smine…butshe’snotreallymine.I can’tthinkaboutwhatIwant.Ihavetothinkabouther.”
“Maybeonedayyouwillgetasecondchancewithher,andwhenthatdaycomes,Ihopelikehellthatyoumaketheright choice.Youshouldn’thavetosacrificeyour happinessfor our family,”Liamsaysasherestsahandonmyshoulder.It’snot much,butit’shiswayoftryingtocomfortme
No matter how hard Itryto control myemotions around him, Iknow he cansee how Ireallyfeel. Iletouta sighthat sounds more like a strangled cry “Idon’tthinkIwill ever geta second chance withher She made thatveryclear But, no matterwhereshegoesorwhoshe’swith…tome,shewillalwaysbemine.”
“Thankyouforalovelyevening,Finn.I’vehadagreattime,”Melpurrsasshedragsherperfectlymanicuredhanddown myarm,makingsuretosqueezeasshereachesmybicep
Iresisttheurgetoshudder,andinsteadputabrightsmileonmyface,makingsureIkeeplookingintoher silver eyeslikeIcan’timaginebeinganywhereelse
It’stotalbullshit,ofcourse.IwouldmuchratherbestaringintothegorgeouschocolateeyesInowonlyseemtoseeinmy dreams ButIcan’tallowmyselftothinkofherrightnow Ineedtofocusonthejobathand “Ihadsuchawonderfultimetoo,Mel.Wouldyoulikemetowalkyouhome?”Iask,asIreachacrossthetableandtake hersparehandinmine,givingitaslightsqueeze.Herfacelightsup,andmystomachrollsthewayitalwaysdoeswhenIknow I’vedonemyjobproperly
It’sbeenabitofapersonal recordthistime.It’sonlytakenmefourdates,overthecourseofaroundtwoweeks,andI cantellbythelookinMelanieWhitlock’seyesthatsheisenamouredbyme Well,notbytherealme,butbyFinnLangford ThealiasI’musingthistime,thathasbeencarefullybuiltbyKellantogivemeaveryrealisticbackstory.Acoupleof weeks ago, itwas fullyinvestigated, no doubtbysomeone who works for Mel or her husband, butgiventhe factshe’s still meetingmefordates,itobviouslyheldupunderscrutiny.
“Areyousureyoudon’tmind?It’snottoofar outofyour way,isit?”sheasks,her voicesoundingjustasposhasshe looks
MelanieWhitlockistheperfectrichsocietywoman.She’smarriedtooneoftherichestmenintheUK possiblyeven the world and she’s well knownwithinthe highsocietycircles inLondon She runs the debutante programme, and has for years. She also regularlyruns charitygalas to raise moneyfor as manycauses as she can. Though, I’mnotentirelysure yet whethershedoesitbecauseshecares,orbecauseithelpswithherimage.
To anoutsider lookingin, Mel’s life appears as perfectas her appearance. Her platinum-blonde hair is always styled intotheperfectup-do,notastrandoutofplace,andhermake-upisflawless.Thedressshe’swearing,likealltheclothesshe
owns,hasabrandnameonit,andafour-figurepricetag.
Shehasalithefigurethatshemaintainsbyregularlyattendingthegymwithherpersonal trainer,andtheBotoxshehas oftenhas takencareofanywrinkles thatshouldbeonher face Iwouldevengoas far as toguess thatshe’s probablyhada boobjob,astheyareincrediblyperkyforawomaninherearlyfifties.
There’s no denyingthat Melanie Whitlocklooks perfect, but that’s all onthe surface Inthe background, her life is a mess.Herfatherisdying,andhe’shadtobemovedintoMel’shomeasshewasn’thappywiththecarehewasgettinginhis grouphome She’sestrangedfromherdaughter,Mia whojustsohappenstobedatingmybrother,Kellan andherhusband, Mortimer,ismyfamily’snemesis.
Mortimer Whitlockis the reasonI’mundercover, pretendingto be interested inhavinganaffair withMel. She does a piss-poor job ofhidingher extra-marital affairs, butgiventhe factit’s well knownthatWhitlockprefers his girls under the legalage,I’mnotsurprisedshe’sseekingcomfortelsewhere.
ItalsogivesmeaveryniceopportunitytogoundercoverandhelpourfamilybringdownMortimerandhisillegalhuman traffickingandchildabuseschemesonceandforall.
IjustwishIdidn’thavetosellmyselftodoit
“It’s no trouble at all. I can’t let a beautiful woman like yourself wander the streets alone at night. What kind of a gentlemanwouldIbe?”Iask,inmyfakeLondonaccent doingmybesttohideanyhintofmyIrishlilt.
AsIstandfromthetable,droppingsomenotesdowntoleaveatipforourserver,IgentlyhelpMelstand,beforeshelets goofmyhandstostraightenoutheralreadyperfectdress.It’sanervoushabitI’venoticedoverthelastcoupleofdates.Sheis obsessedwithlookingperfectlyputtogether,notevenawrinkleoutofplace
She looks at the tip with a strange expression, and I worry I’ve not given enough, until she leans closer to explain. “Usually,inaplaceasniceasthis,itlooksbetterifyouaddthetipontothebillandpaywithyourcard,thennobodycansee howmuchyou’retipping.Peopleonlytipincashiftheywanttoshowofftheextortionateamountthey’releaving.Justsoyou knowforthefuture.”
Even though she says it with a small smile, I’ve never felt more stupid and out of place I don’t often eat in posh restaurants,andneveronelikethis,soofcourseIdon’tknowallthebloodyidioticrules.Imayaswellbewearingasignthat says‘I’mpoor’
Melpolitelyexcusesherselftogototherestroombeforeweleave,andIknowwhenshereturns,hermake-upwillhave been touched up. She does this in between each course too, as her lipstick obviously fades every time she eats or drinks anything.IsmileasItellherI’llmeetheroutsidetherestaurant,wonderingwhatthehellisgoingoninhermindifshereally thinkssheneedstolookperfectallofthetime.
Mac doesn’t even need make-up to look perfect,Ithink,beforeshakingmyheadtogetthosethoughtsoutofmybrain I havenorighttothinkaboutheratall.Despiteknowingthat,myminddoesn’tcomply.Infact,she’sallIeverthinkabout.
Distractingmyself,IquicklypullmyphoneoutofmypocketandshootamessageovertoKellan,keepinghimupdated, sohecanmonitorthingsifneeded.
FINN
Kel,I’mwalkingherbacktothehouse.Hopefully,tonightIwillgetinside.Iwillkeepyouupdated.
AsIimagined,itdoesn’ttakelongformybrothertoreply.
KELLAN
Noworries IwillmonitortheCCTVasmuchasIcan Staysafe Don’ttakeanyrisks
Isnortas Ireadhis reply,knowingfull well thatthelastpartofthetextdefinitelydidnotcomefromKellan.Thepart tellingmetotakenorisks,that’sallLiam
EventhoughwehaveonlyknownthatKellanisourrealbrotherforaroundayear,I’vealwaysseenhimasfamilysince themomenthecametolivewithus.HeandLiammayaswellhavebeentwins,byeachother’ssideforlife.
Theyaretwosidesofthesamecoin.WhileLiamisbroodingandserious,Kellanissnappyandsarcastic.Liamiscool andcalmatalltimes,whereasKelcanbeamessofanxietyandstress.Buttogethertheyarefierce,andIamluckytohavethem bothwatchingmyback
FINN
ThatwastotallyLiamreplyingattheend,right?
KELLAN
Yeah he’sadadnow,heworriessomuchmore!
IshakemyheadasIreadthemessage.Itstillfreaksmeoutthatmybrothershavechildren.Hallie’salawuntoherself, andIthinkshe’sashoo-inforEvilDictatorwhenshe’solder Nateisonlyacoupleofmonthsold,soIcan’treallytellwhat hispersonalityislikeyet,buthe’scuteashellwhenhe’scuddleduponmychest.
Thethoughtofmehavingkidsofmyownonedaycrossesmymind,andmyheartstartstorace.I’monlytwenty-seven,so life’s biological clock is hardly ticking loudly for me, but the thought of settling down and having children just seems so fuckingfar away IguesswhenyouhavefakedbeingmarriedasmanytimesasIhave,thewholeinstitutionkindoflosesall meaning.
IheartheunmistakableclackingofMel’sJimmyChoo’sleavingtherestaurant,andIquicklydeletethemessagesbefore shovingmyphonebackintomypocket.LookingupattheCCTVcameraacrosstheroad thatisnowaimingstraightatme I giveKelalittlewinkbeforeturningtogreetMel
Inkeepingwithmygentlemanlyact, Itake hold ofher hand, claspingour fingers together before shootingher mybest cheesygrin.“Leadtheway,lovely.”
Agentle blushspreads across her cheeks as she begins pullingme downthe road that I know leads to the home she shareswithMortimer.Iexpectedtheirplacetobesomegrandmansioninthemiddleofnowhere,andIsuspecttheyprobably doownacountryestatelikethat,buttheirmainresidenceisintheheartofLondon whichmeans,givenitssize,it’sprobably worthtwocountrymansions.
Wewalkforaroundfifteenminutes,andIusethetimetoaskherasmuchasIcanaboutherlife,withoutitseeminglike I’m prying. It’s hard to find a balance between looking like an attentive date, and making it obvious that I’m digging for information because I have an ulterior motive. I want to appear to be the perfect date, making it all about her, and just answeringminimalquestionsaboutmyselfwhenasked
Itseems to be goingwell, and the conversationflows easilyas Igetto know a little more aboutMelanie Whitlock. I knoweverythingthereistoknowaboutheronpaper,butfindingoutallthelittledetailsthatmightonedaycomeinhandyisan importantstepinmyundercoverprocess.Giventhatmymaintaskistogethertofallinlovewithmeandtrustme,todothat, shehastobelieveI’mboyfriendmaterial.
We’reinthemiddleoftalkingaboutherdebutantework,andIdon’tmissthewaysheglossesovermyquestionregarding whetherherdaughterwasadebutante.ShetalksaboutMiaasifshe’sstillabigpartofherlife,andportraystheirrelationship as nothing but positive I’mjust not sure yet whether she genuinely believes the bullshit she’s spouting, or if she remains hopefulthatthere’sarelationshiptosalvagewithMiawhenthetimeisright.
Thankfully,theconversationdrawstoacloseasweapproachthelargeirongatesthatIknowleadtotheirhome AsMel stops, I turnto her witha bright smile onmyface, but as I’mabout to speak, she cuts me off. “This is me. Thankyoufor walkingmehome.Wouldyouliketocomeinforadrink?”
Idon’tmissthewayhervoiceshakesslightlyassheasksmetocomeinside,hernervesclearlygettingthebetterofher. Eventhoughwe’ve beendatingfor a couple ofweeks now, they’ve all beenplatonic, ‘gettingto know you’dates. The most we’vedoneisholdhands,butassheleansalittlecloser,Icantellshe’shopingformore Mystomachrollsandthefancyfoodwejustatethreatenstomakeareappearance.ThisisonepartofmyjobthatI’ve nevergottenusedto,andIneverwill
One last job and you won’t ever have to do this again, Iremindmyself.Thinkingbacktothepromisemydadmademe whenIagreedtodothisfinalassignment.Afterthis,I’mfreetoliveanormallife ifIcanworkoutwhatthehellnormalis.
Pushingallrevulsionaside,Iturnonmycharm Leaningdownuntilmylipsarebesideherear,socloseshecanfeelmy breathticklingacrossherskin,Ilowermyvoiceseductively.“Iwouldlovetocomeinsideforadrink.ButIstillwanttotake thisslow Youaresuchaspecialwoman Idon’twanttoriskwhatwecouldhavebychasingsomethingquickandmeaningless You’reworthmorethanthat.”
IlovethewaysheshiversasIspeak,andabrightredblushspreadsacrosshercheeks I’msureifIlaymyhandonher chest,I’llbeabletofeelherheartracing.Asshelooksatmewithherbigsilvereyes,IcantellI’msayingalltherightthingsto winherover.
“Iknow you’ve always said fromthe beginningthatyou’re notlookingfor somethingcasual, thatyouwantsomething meaningfulwithme.ButIthinknowwouldbeagoodtimetomentionthatIdon’teverplanonleavingmyhusband.Wehavean openmarriage,andIcandateorsleepwithwhomeverIchoose,butIcanneverleavehim Wehaveasocialimagetouphold, andIcan’twalkawayfromthat,”sheexplains,asshefiddleswithherperfectmanicure.
I don’t know whether she’s tellingme that she cannever leave him, or that she won’t Theybothhave verydifferent meanings,andtheanswertothatquestionwilldeterminewhathappenstoMelwhenallthiscomescrashingdownaroundher. Anditwillcomecrashingdown.
We cannot allow Mortimer to continue plotting behind our backs, arming our enemies, all whilst growing the human traffickingtrade inour country. And don’t evenget me started onthe fact he likes to mess around withunderage children. That’sadeathsentenceonitsown IjustreallyhopeMel isn’tguilty,too It’smyjobtofindthatout,whileIhelptobring himdown.
Itake a deep breathand letouta deliberate sigh, like her informationis hard for me to hear. “Iknow youwon’tever leaveyourhusband,Mel.You’vebeenhonestaboutthatfromthestart,andIwouldneveraskyouto.ButI’dlikewhateverthis isbetweenustobesomethingspecialandmeaningful.Icankeepusasecret,ifthat’swhatittakes.
“Idon’tmeetwomenasspecial asyouveryoften,andIdon’tintendonwastingthisopportunity.Ifyou’reinterested,I wanttodate you,gettoknow you,maybe one dayfall for you.Idon’twanttomove tooquicklyandpotentiallyruinthis by fallingintobedwithyoubeforewe’reready Doesthatmakesense?”
IhopeIsoundsincere,likeI’mtryingnottosleepwithherbecauseit’sinherbestinterest.Iknowinthepast,she’shada lotofone-nightstands,or flingsthatshefallsintobedwithquickly,andthat’sall itever is betweenthem Justsex Igetthe feelingshe’slookingformore…likeshewantstobeseenasmorethanjustafuckbuddy,evenifshewon’tleaveherhusband.
I’mtryingtosoundliketheperfectguy,sayingexactlywhatwomenwanttohear Inreality,thethoughtofhavingsexwith herrepulsesme.Don’tgetmewrong,she’snotabad-lookingwoman,andI’msurethesexwouldn’tbeterrible.Theproblem isthatthere’sonlyonewomanIwanttobewith,eventhoughthatwillneverhappen.Sothewholethingleavesasourtastein mymouth
“Thatmakessense,andhonestly,it’salittlerefreshingtomeetamanwhodoesn’twanttogetmeintobedthefirstchance hegets,”shesays,thoughhersmiledoesn’tquitereachhereyes,andhercheeksseemeventighterthantheydoafterherBotox Herwordssayonething,butit’sclearbyherexpressionshe’salittleinsecureaboutmycomment.
Ineed to fixthis, and fast, so Igo for a bitofflirting “Oh, Istill wantto getyouinto bed, and Ican’tstop the dirty thoughtsthatentermyheadwheneverIthinkofyou.ButIknowyoudeservebetter.Youdeservetobetreatedlikeaqueen.”
Her smilewidens,andgiventhewayher silver eyessparkleasIshootacheekywinkher way,Icantell I’vesaidthe rightthing Over theyearsI’vebeendoingthisjust,I’velearnedafair bitaboutwomen,andthissituationwaseasytoread ThoughMel’shappyIwantedtotreatherright,andnotrushintosleepingwithher,herinsecuresidestillquestionedwhetherI onlysaiditbecauseI’mnotattractedtoher
All women, no matter their age, have some elementofinsecurityaboutthem. Mostare worried thattheir love interest doesn’treciprocatethefeelingstheyhave.Onceyouworkoutwhattheinsecurityis,winningheroveriseasy.
Melreachesoverandplacesherhandonmychest,atypicalflirtygesturethatdoesfuckallforme,butIsmileanyway. “Now we’ve cleared up all thatmessystuff, shall we have thatdrink? I’ll make sure youleave withmyvirtue intact.” Her high-pitchedgiggleattheendsoundsmoreforcedthannatural Ithinkshestillintendstotrytoseduceme,butIwillholdoutas longaspossible.Iwanthertowantme…itmakesmyjobawholeloteasierifshe’stheonechasingme.
“Adrinkwouldbenice,”Ireply,asIpeelherpalmoffmychestbeforelacingourfingerstogetheragain,andshegives myhandasqueeze,apparentlysatisfiedwithmylittlegesture.
Sheleadsmeovertotherightsideofthelargeirongates,andItrynottorollmyeyesatthewaytheironbarshavebeen mouldedintoagiantWthatsitsinthemiddleofthegates.Likealarge,posh,monogrammedinitial youknowyouhavetoo muchmoneywhenyouhaveyourinitialsinyourgate.
Mel reaches outwithher free hand and lifts up a flap onthe side ofthe gate to reveal anelectronic pinmachine She casts a quickglance myway, and Ido mybestto make itseemlike I’mlookingover atthe house, as opposed to watching attentivelytofindoutwhatthegatecodeis
Onceshe’ssureI’mnotlooking,usingherperfectlymanicuredhands,shetypesinthenumbers2-3-0-5-1-9-7-2.Irepeat themoverandoverinmyheaduntilI’msureIhavethemmemorised.Thenumbersringabellwithme,butIcan’tremember offthetopofmyheadwhy
It’s obviouslya date, I’mjustnotsure whatfor. DefinitelynotMelanie’s birthday, butitcould be Mortimer’s. Onlya narcissistlikehimwouldusehisownbirthdayasthesecuritycode IcanfeelKelrollinghiseyesathoweasythatwouldbe tohack.
Thelargeirongatesbegintocreekastheyelectronicallyopen Idon’tmissthewaythetwosecuritycamerasperchedon thewallsoneithersideoftheirongatesturnslowlyuntilthey’refocusedonme.Ican’thelpbutwonderifit’sMel’ssecurity doingit,orifKelhashackedthefeed thoughhesaidhewouldonlydothatinanemergency.
Mel, still holdingmyhand, leads me downa large drivewaywithbeautifullymanicured lawns oneither side As we reachtheend,theroadcurvesofftotheleft.Inthemiddleisalarge,roundwaterfeaturethatisactingalmostasaroundabout. Carscandrivearoundit,stopoutsidethestepsforthemainhouse,beforecontinuingbackdownthedrive,orturningofftothe carparkattherearoftheproperty.
I’veanalysedeveryinchofthisplacebeforegettinghere,butnoneofmyresearchpreparedmefor thegrandeur ofthe building.It’sintheheartofLondon,withneighboursoneitherside albeitafairdistanceaway butthey’vestillmanagedto maketheestatelooklikeacountryretreat.
It’sabeautiful whitestonebuilding,withblackirondetailingaroundthewindows,andtwolargepillarsthatstandtall besidetheentrance.ItlookslikeasmallerversionofBuckinghamPalace,andIcan’thelpbutrollmyeyesasIthinkabouthow muchmoneytheWhitlockshavethrownatthisbuilding Allsotheycanstandoutandberecognisedwithinsociety
As soonas anolder manina suitopens the frontdoor, Mel wastes no time pullingme inside, turninginto the perfect hostess.“Horris,thisismygoodfriend,Finn.He’sjoiningmeforadrink.Ifyoucouldopenourbestbottleofredanddeliver ittomyquarters,please.”Shedoesn’tevenlookathimasshespeaks.Instead,sheremoveshercoatandhandsittohim,before headingofftowardstherightofthegrandstaircase.
Horrisdoesn’tevenhaveachancetoreplybeforeshewalksoff,andIsimplytrailbehindher,completelylostforwords. I’mtryingtotakeinalloftheextravagantsurroundings,butMelismovingfartoofast,herhighheelsclickingfuriouslyonthe glisteningwoodenfloor
Eventually,aswereachalockedwoodendoor,sheturnstomakesurethatI’mfollowingher.“Idon’tthinkImentioned muchaboutthisbefore,butthehouseissplitupintosections Thissideofthehouseismine Myhusbandisontheopposite side.Hisroomsareofflimitstome,thesamewayminearetohim.Theonesinthemiddle,andontheupperfloors,areopento anyone Weoftenhostparties,orhavepeoplestayover,andthey’retheroomsthatreflectthesocietyimageweneedtoportray Mia’sroomsareontheupperfloor,too,”sheexplains,andI’malittleshockedatthecasualmentionofmybrother’sgirlfriend.
Mel’s never hidden that she has a daughter. Though she’s seriously embellished the relationship she has with her, regularlytellingme thattheygetonlike bestfriends As far as I’maware, Mia hasn’tspokento her mother since she was kidnappedbythatlunatic,KyleFratacello.AndeventhoughMiaseemsfairlycertainhermotherisasmuchaprisonerasshe was,weneedtobeonehundredpercentsureofthatbeforewelethergo
“Younevermentionedthatyourdaughterstilllivesathome,”Ireply,hopingtogathersomemoreinformationfromher. I’mnotsure ifMel’s delusional,andreallythinks she cansalvage the relationshipshe has withher daughter,or ifshe’s just lyingtome.
Mel lets outalongsigh,andas her shoulders sag,shesuddenlylooks alotolder.“Shedoesn’tliveathomecurrently. Sheliveswithherboyfriend,whowedonotapproveof He’sascumbag,whoisn’tgoodenoughformydaughter,anditwon’t belonguntilsheseesthatandcomesbackhome.Whensheeventuallyseessense,shewillalwaysbewelcomebackhere.”
Themore she talks,the more mybloodstarts toboil I’mfiercelyprotective ofthe people Ilove,andhearingher call Kellanascumbag,whoisn’tgoodenoughforMia,makesmesoangry.
Itakeafewdeepbreathstogetontopofmygrowingirritation.IfIweretolashoutnow,Melwouldbesuspicious,andI can’thavethat.So,Iquicklytrytochangethesubject.“It’sgoodthatshe’sgotsuchakindandcaringmum.”
Thewordsfeellikeacidonmytongue,andthewayshepreensoverthecomplimentpissesmeoffevenfurther.Luckily,I makesurenoneoftheemotionsflashacrossmyface,assheturnstoopenthedoor
Melleadsmeintoherpartofthehouse,givingmealittletour.Weenteralargereceptionareafirst,andit’ssetuplikea sittingroom, withlarge sofas thatare all aimed towards a gianttelevision It’s perfectlydecorated witha mixture ofwhite wallsandwoodenfeatures,whilstremainingminimalistic.
Thearrayoffamilyphotographsyouexpecttoseeadorningthewallsofanytypicalmum’shomeareabsent.Therearea coupleofpiecesofabstractartworkthatI’msurecostmorethanmyentireapartment,butthere’snothingthatshowsoffMel’s personality.Well…Iguess itconfirms she’s more botheredaboutlookingperfect,havingnothingoutofplace,thanshowing anythingreal Ithinkthatsaysalotabouther
There’s a few doors offthe receptionroom, leadingto a master bedroomwithanensuite, a second bedroom, a main bathroom, a mini kitchenand diningroomarea thatare openplanwiththe sittingroom, and some cupboard space As Mel hoversinfrontofthefinaldoor,forthefirsttimesinceImether,shelooksnervous,chewingonherbottomlip.
“Doyouremembermetellingyouaboutmydad?”sheasks,hervoicelow.Ican’tworkoutifit’snervesorsadness.
“Irememberyoutellingmethathe’snotbeenwell”
She lets out a sighas she places her hand onthe door handle. “He’s dying. He’s got severe Alzheimer’s and doesn’t rememberwhereheisorwhowearemostofthetime Hewasinacarehome,butIwasn’thappywiththeleveloftreatment andsupporthewasreceiving.Eventhoughtheywerethebestmoneycanbuy,becauseitwasagrouphome,therewassimply notthestafftogivehimthefullattentionthathedeserves
“So,Imadetheverydifficultdecisiontobringhimheretolivewithme.Ihiredamainnurse,whoisresponsibleforall hismedical needsandcareplanning,andthenIhaveacoupleofcareworkerswhocomeintohelpwithhispersonal needs andwatchhimwhenthenurseisn’there Ineedtocheckonhim”
Shepausesandlooksbetweenmeandthecloseddoor,clearlyunsurewhattosaynext.“You’rewelcometocomeand sayhello,thoughIsuspecthewillbeasleepatthistime,andheprobablywon’tknowwhoIam”
Themelancholyexpressionthatcrossesherfacesuddenlymakesmefeelverysad.Apanginmychesttakesmebackto thattimeonlyafewweeksagowhereIwasfacedwiththenewsofmyownfather’sdeath Eventhoughitturnedouttobefake, Ididn’tknowthatatthetime,andthepainIfeltatlosinghimwasworsethanIexpected.So,Icanonlyimaginehowshefeels watchingherfatherfadeawayslowlybeforeherveryeyes.
“I’msosorry,Mel Icanonlyimaginehowtoughitisforyou Idon’twanttodoanythingthatyouoryourdadwouldn’t becomfortablewith.Ifyou’dlikemetocomeinwithyou,thenIwill.ButIwon’tbeoffendedifyouaskmetowaitouthere.”
Clearly,Iusethecorrectwords onceagainas asmall smilespreads across her face,beforeshestands onher tip-toes andleansincloser.Catchingmecompletelyoff-guard,shepressesherlipsagainstmycheek,dangerouslyclosetotheedgeof mymouth, before movingto whisper inmyear. “You’re a good man, FinnLangford. I have a feelingthat whatever this is betweenus,it’sgoingtobesomethingveryreal.IthinkIwouldlikeyoutomeethim,ifyou’reokaywiththat?”
Myheartracesandthenauseathreatenstoreappearasshetalksaboutushavingsomethingreal.It’slikethere’samillion
antscrawlingaroundjustunderthesurfaceofmyskin,andtheyitchlikecrazy.Ifeeldirty,likeI’llneverbeclean.
It’sthesamefeelingIgeteverytimewereachthispartofajob.I’veplayedmyroletoperfection,andthemarkstartsto believethatwecantrulyhavesomethingtogether,somethingreal Buttherealityissofarfromthat,it’sstupid I’msousedto pretending,fabricatinghowIfeel,Idon’tthinkIwouldknowrealloveifitslappedmeacrosstheface.
Bullshit,shoutsmybrain You know exactly what it feels like to be in love, yet you pushed her away
Urgh,there’sthatnigglypartofmybrainthatchirpsupatthemostinappropriateoftimes.Nomatterhow muchItryto bullshitmybrain,orpretendthatshedoesn’texist,itwillneverletmeforget AndifI’mbeinghonest,Idon’tthinkIreallydo wanttoforgether.Quitetheopposite.Istillwanther,butIcanneverhaveher.
I’mpulledbackoutofmyownheadwhenIfeelMel’spalmonmyarm,andIrealiseshe’swaitingformetoreply.Irack mybrain,tryingtorememberwhatsheaskedme,butasusual,wheneverIthinkofher,allotherthoughtsslipaway
“Youdon’thavetomeethim,ifyoudon’twantto,”sheprompts,andsuddenlytheconversationcomesflowingback.Mel hasclearlymistakenmysilenceashesitancy
“Iwouldlovetomeethim.”
That’snottechnicallytrue,butit’ssomethingIneedtodoaspartofmyanalysisofthebuilding WhilstI’vestudiedall theblueprintsshowingthegenerallayout,Istillhavenoideawhattheinsideislike.So,asI’mwanderingaround,I’mlooking forallthedoorsandwindows,butI’malsocountingthesecuritycameras,ormakingnoteofotherthingsthatmaybeimportant.
InoticedinMel’sbedroomthatherbedsidetablehasalockonit,asdoesoneofherclosetdoors Thosearethesortof detailsthatmatter,astheremaybeimportantinformationhiddeninside.Ialsonotethatduringtheentiretimewehavebeenin thebuilding,Ihaven’tseenanysecurityguardsbasedinside Ididn’tseeanypatrollingthefenceeither thoughthatdoesn’t meantheyaren’tthere.Theycouldjustbeverygoodattheirjobandcanremainunseen.
TheadditionofMel’sfatherisaveryrecentchange,oneIhadnotimetopreparefor.So,gettingintohisroomsisvital.I needtoseehow manynurseshehaswithhimatanytime,andiftheycouldbeathreat.Ineedtoknow ifanyofhismedical equipmentisflammable.Mydadhasapenchantforbombs,andIreallydon’twanttosetfiretoahelplessoldmanifIcanhelp it
As Mel opens the door, I begincastingmyeyes around the room, takinginas muchas I can. Mel’s fingers are still claspedwithmine,andsheleadsmeinside Wecometoastop,asImentallynotethelocationsofatleastthreevisiblesecurity cameras,andaspareoxygentankrestingagainstthewallbehindmethatcouldpotentiallybeaproblem.
JustasMelisabouttointroducemetoherdad,thedoortotheleftopensandhisnurserushesin.Itonlytakesasecond forrecognitiontohitme,andtheworldaroundmefallsapart.
Iwouldrecogniseheranywhere.Ijustdon’tunderstandwhatthefuckshe’sdoingstandingbeforeme.
Thegirlthatgotaway TheonlygirlI’veeverloved,whoseheartIcrushedintoamillionpieces,isstandinginfrontof me,lookingatmelikewe’restrangers.
“Hi,I’mMcKennaLowry,Mr Ingold’snurse It’s nicetomeetyou,”shesays,her Irishaccentobvious,as shereaches herhandouttowardsme.She’slookingatmelikeshe’snevermetmebefore,andmymindracesasItrytoworkoutwhatthe fuckisgoingon.
IfeellikeI’mstuckinthefuckingtwilightzone Whatthefuckisshedoinghere?Awholemassofemotionsracethrough mybody,andit’s notuntil Mel clears her throatbeside me thatI’mpulledoutofmyhead.Ihave topushaside the historyI havewithMac,andpretendIdon’tknowher thesamewayshe’sdoingwithme
Asthewordsleavemylips,it’sharderthanIexpectedtotreatherlikeastranger.ButifIdon’t,Iriskblowingmycover. “Hi,I’mFinnLangford,afriendofMel’s It’snicetomeetyoutoo”
Ikeep mytone polite, but make sure to avoid too mucheye contact withher, lookingover at Mel instead. Her brow furrows as her gazedarts betweenmeandMac.Myheartraces as Iworryshesaw somethinginthose seconds thatIletmy guarddown
“Whatareyoudoinghere,McKenna?Shouldn’tyouhaveleftalready?”Melsnaps,hericytonesendsawaveofanger throughme How fuckingdare she speakto Mac like that? Iball myhands into fists as Itryto breathe awaymyoutrage It reallywillblowmycoverifIdefendthebeautifulblondenurse.
“Iwas leavingaboutanhour ago,butMr Ingoldhadanepisodeofhighbloodpressureafter aviolentoutburst Igave himsomemedicationandstayedtomonitorhim.Aleandrowassupposedtobeherehalfanhourago,buthe’sstuckintraffic.I stayedsoMrIngoldwouldn’tbeonhisown,”Macmumbles,herwordsrushingoutquickerthanusual.It’snothardtohearthe anxietyinhervoice
Mel letsgoofmyhandandmovestowardsher father,whoisasleepinhismakeshifthospital bed.Thewholeroomis kittedoutlikeahigh-classprivatehospitalroom,completewiththebestequipment There’sacomfortablechaironeitherside ofhisbed,andanoverthebedtablethathasbeenpushedtooneside.
Meltakesholdofhisfrail,wrinkledhand,buthedoesn’tmove.Ifitweren’tfortheslightriseandfallofhischest,and thegentlebeepofthemachine,I’dbeworriedhewasalreadydead.Meldoeslittletokeeptheworryfrombleedingintoher words.“Isheokaynow?”
“Heis.Hewillbedrowsyforawhile,giventhemedicationIhadtoadminister.Hewillneedsomeonetomonitorhim carefullytonight.ButAleandrowillbeheresoon,andIcangivehimafullhandover.Idon’texpecthimtowakeuporcause manyissuesduringthenight,”Macexplainsbeforepausingslightly,hereyesflickingbetweenMelandme “I’msorry Inever intendedtoruinyour…date.”
ThewayMcKennasaysthelastword,it’sdrippingwithvenom,butluckily,Melistoodistractedbyherfathertonotice MeltakesalookatherwatchbeforeglancingbackatMacwithadeepsigh.“It’salmostmidnight.You’vemissedthefinalbus, andIgavemydriverthenightoff Myhusbandandhisteamareoutoftown,soIhavenobodythatcandriveyouhome Would youfeel comfortable gettinga taxi? Iwouldlike tostaywithmyfather tonight,andI’ve hadacouple ofglasses ofwine,so can’tdriveyou.”
“That’sokay,Icanwalkhome Idon’tlivetoofar,”Macreplies
Mel turns tomewithasigh,ignoringMac’s response.“IthinkIneedtospendtheeveningwithmyfather,ifyoudon’t mind?Wheneverhehasthesekindsofepisodes,he’salwaysveryscaredandvulnerablewhenhewakesup I’dliketobehere whenthathappens.”
“Ofcourse,Iunderstand,”Ireply “Youneedtobewithyourdad”IgiveherhandasqueezetotryandshowIcare “I canalwayswalkherhome?”IaskthequestiontoMel,asIcan’tbringmyselftofaceMcKenna.
AstormcloudseemstodescendoverMel’sface,thoughit’sMacwhorespondsbeforeshecan.“That’sokay.I’mreally notfar But,Icanshowyouout,ifyou’dlike?”
Mel’sgazenarrowsandherbrowfurrows,asthoughshe’squestioningMcKenna’smotives.“Thatwon’tbenecessary,” shesnaps
It’seasytoseethatMelwouldbejealousofsomeonelikeMac.She’seasilythemostbeautifulgirlintheworld.Even thoughI’veseenherafewtimesoverthelasttwoyears,I’mstillinaweofthestunningwomanshe’sgrowninto,thoughIcan stillseeglimpsesofthegirlIgrewupwith.
Longblondehair,smallbutcurvyfigure,abrightsmilethatlightsupherface,plumppinklipsthatfeatureinmydreams mostnights, and chocolate eyes thatglistenbrightly Ijusthave to make Mel thinkIwouldn’tlooktwice atMac whichis fuckingimpossiblewhenittakeseveryfibreofmybeingtolookawayfromher.
BeforeIhaveachancetorespond,Melcatchesmeoffguard,raisingupontohertiptoes,beforeshequicklypressesher lipsagainstmine.Itstartsoffasjustachastekiss,butasItrytopullaway,sheraisesherhandtomyneck,holdingmeinplace soshecandeepenit.Myeyesarewideopen,anddespitehatingeveryfuckingminuteofit,Iplaymypartwell,makingsure MelbelievesI’mkissingherbackwithenthusiasm.
Thisisourfirstrealkiss.We’vedoneapeckonthecheek,andachastepressofherlipsagainstmine,butthat’sall.It doesn’tescapemynoticethatMel decidedtheperfecttimeforourfirstreal kisswouldbeinfrontofMac Shemayaswell havejustpissedalloverme.
ItrynottothinkaboutMacrightnow Isshehurtseeingthis?DoesshestillcareaboutmethewayIdoher?Ifshedoes, thismustbelikeaknifetotheheart.Ican’tevenimaginehowIwouldfeelseeingherkisssomeoneelse.Well…Ican.Iwould teareverylimbfromtheirpatheticbody,remindingthemthatnobodytoucheswhat’smine.Doesshefeelthesame?
These are the kinds ofthoughts Ican’tallow NotwhenI’mFinnLangford FinnDoughtycanbe secretlyinlove with McKenna,andcanpineforher,butifIdothatnow,itcouldgetusbothkilled.
Eventually,Melpullsaway,asated,smuglookonherface “Youcanleavenow,McKenna Idon’tknowhowlongwe will be…occupied, while we say goodbye,” she purrs whilst looking at me, before she turns to face McKenna, her face morphingintoahardmaskthat’ssodifferentfromtheoneshejustpresentedtome “Makesureallmyfather’scarenotesare uptodatebeforeyouleave.IexpectAleandrotohaveafullhandoverinthenoteswhenheeventuallyarrives.”
Mel doesn’twaitforMactoreply,turninginsteadtofaceherfather,asshebeginsstraighteningouthisalreadyperfect pyjamas IhatethewayshejustdismissesMac,likeshe’sbeneathher I’veseenherdoittotheservingstaffinrestaurants,and toher butler earlier today,soit’s notjustMcKenna thatshe views inthis way.It’s justthatmybloodboils atthe thoughtof anyonemistreatingher
“I-I’lljustgetmybag,”shemutters,beforeheadingbackviathedoorshearrivedthrough. Beforeshereachesit,Melshoutsafterher “MakesureyoutellHorristoexpectFinnshortly OnceI’vefinishedgiving himapropergoodbye.”Shemakesitsoundfardirtierthanitneedstobe,andMcKennadoesn’tbothertoreply.Though,ifthe waysheslamsthedoorisanyindication,sheisn’thappy.
Assoonaswe’realone,Melturnstofaceme,hersilvereyesappraisingmine “Whydidyouoffertowalkherhome?” “Foryou,”Ireplywithouthesitation.“Iknowyouwanttospendtimewithyourdad.Iwouldliketostayandhelpyou, but I think I need to meet your dad a few more times before we reach that stage, and I’d like to do that under better circumstances.ThiswastheonlywayIcouldthinktobehelpful.WhydoIgetthefeelingyoudon’ttrustmymotives?” Melshakesherhead.“Sorry,oldhabits.Iknowshe’sabeautifulgirl…whoisyourage.”Meldoesn’telaborate,butit’s easyto hear her unspokenwords. She’s vulnerable and jealous, and she has everyreasonto be. Mac is a milliontimes the womanshewilleverbe,andthemerefactthatIhavetopretendtofeelanydifferentgutsme.
“Youdon’thavetoworry.Ionlyhaveeyesforyou,”IsayasIplaceakissonhercheek.Abigsmileflashesherperfectly whiteteeth,andIknowI’vewonheroverthistime.
Ileavequicklyafterthat,butasIwalkdownthelongdriveway,awayfromtheridiculouslyposhhouse,Ican’thelpbut thinkabouthowIwantedtofinishthatsentence…
“I only have eyes for you because it’s my job My heart beats for her My soul aches for her Every fibre of my being belongs to her. It will only ever be her.”
MyheartisracingsofastIcanhearitpoundinginmyearsasIdashoutoftheWhitlockhouse.AsIspeedwalkdownthe ridiculouslylongdriveway,IkeeppicturingthelookonFinn’sfacewhenhesawme Ithoughthewasgoingtogivethe gameawayinthosefewseconds.
I’vehadweekstoprepareforthatmoment,knowingwewouldcomeface-to-facesoonerratherthanlater,butpretending thatIdidn’tknowhimstillhurt.SoIcanonlyimaginehowhefelt.
At first, he looked at me the wayhe always has, like I’mthe onlygirl inthe world, and it was like butterflies were soaringaroundinmystomach.Butthentherealisationofwherewewere,andthesituationaroundus,caughtupwithhim,and thestonemaskhewearscamecrashingdown.Helookedatmewithsuchindifference,likeIdidn’tmatteratall or,atleast, that’swhathewantedtoportray Andtothecasualobserver,that’swhattheywouldhaveseen
ButIknowFinnbetterthananyone,despitetheyearswe’vespentapart,andIcouldseethefireinhiscrystalbluegaze. Nomatterhowmadheiswithme,hestilllooksatmelikeI’mperfecttohim ButIcouldalsoseehisconfusion,andalittle anger,overwhyI’mhere.
IknowIshouldhavewaitedforhim,soIcouldfindawaytoexplainmyself andthesituation Iowehimthatmuch But assoonasIsawthatbitchplaceherlipsonhis,awhitehotjealousy,thelikesofwhichI’veneverfeltbefore,overtookme.I couldn’tlookatthemwithoutwantingtoclawtheharpy’seyesout.
I’veneverbeenajealousorviolentperson,butifI’dstayedinthatroom,I’mcertainIwouldhaveblownFinn’scover andruinedeverythinghe’sworkinghardtoachieve.Imightnotbepronetoviolence,butasafosterkid,Ilearntfromanearly agetoprotectwhat’smine
I bounced fromhome to home, the only possessions I could truly call mine were the items I could fit into my ratty backpack,butIwouldprotectthemwithmylife.I’dlearntearlyonnottobesentimental,nottoholdontothings,becausenine timesoutoften,youwilllosethem ortheywillleaveyou.It’snotreallyeventhatpeopleleaveme,it’smorethattheythrow meawaylikeI’mthetrashtheyneverwanted.
Finnwastheonlyconstantinmylifefromayoungage.Nomatterwhichgrouphomeorfosterfamilytheystuckmewith, Finnwastheretohelpmethroughit.Hewastheshininglightthathelpedmegetthroughallmydarkdays,whoheldmeinhis armswhenIwasscared Ithoughthewastheonethatwouldneverhurtorleaveme Fuck,wasIwrong
He didn’tjustbreakmyheart. He ripped itoutand tookitwithhim, leavinga festeringhole Iknew would never be filled Ishouldhate him Ishouldhave movedonandnever thoughtofhimagain Itoldhimhe’dnever geta secondchance withme…butIdidn’tmeanit.Idon’thatehim,andInevercould.
For elevenyears, he’s consumed mythoughts bothwhenawake and dreaming I tried to forget about him, goingon randomdateswithfaceless,namelessguys,butitdidn’twork.Theyallleftmeempty,forcedtopleasemyselfafterwardswith thoughtsofFinn.Alwayshim.
That’showIfindmyselfinthemiddleofapitofsnakes,riskingeverythingforaguywhobrokemyheartoveradecade ago.Butthat’stheproblemwithfallinginlove.Youdon’tgettochoosewhoownsyourheart.Youjusthavetohopelikehell theytrustyouenoughtogiveyoutheirsinreturn
Elevenyears ago,Ilethimpushme away.Ibelievedall the cruel words he said.Iwalkedawaywithtears streaming downmyred,puffyface,andatrailofbloodlaggingbehindmefromwherehetoreoutmyheart ButI’mnotanaïveteenager anymore.Iknow Finn’slifeismorecomplicatedthanheletson.I’mdonewaitingforhimtopullhisheadoutofhisassand realisewe’resupposedtobetogether.Fuckfate,I’mmakingmyowndestiny.
IhadsomuchconfidencebouncingaroundmybodywhenIacceptedthejob,workingforMelanieWhitlock Ifeltstrong andpowerful,knowingIwasfinallyhelpingFinn,buttheminuteIsawhim,allthatconfidencefellawayandIwasleftbare.
What the fuck am I doing here? Ihavenoideahow hereallyfeels I’vestupidlyconvincedmyselfthathehasfeelings for me too, despite what he said in the past. Maybe all the things I’ve been thinking are fabrications of an overactive imaginationandadesperatedesireforhimtolovemeback.
Allthesethoughtsconsumeme,killingtheconfidenceandassuranceIhadbeforehelaidthosegorgeousblueeyesonme. Onelookandhestrippedmebare,andthefesteringwoundI’vetriedsohardtohealbeginstoweepagain.SoIrun.
ImakeitdownthedrivewayandaroundthecornerintothealleythatrunsdownthesideofthebuildingbeforeIfinally stoptoallowmyselfasecondtobreathe.
Leaningagainstthecold,hardredbrickwall,Ifindmyselfdesperatelygaspingfor air I’mpantinglikeI’vejustruna hundredmetresprintattheOlympics,whenreallyallIdidwasspeedwalkthehellawayfrommypast.Myinabilitytocatch mybreathhaslesstodowiththeexerciseandalotmoretodowiththeimpendingpanicattackthat’sthreateningtooverwhelm mybody.
The fast beating of my heart is pounding loudly in my ears as I sway slightly thanks to the dizziness threatening to overtake me The harshtexture of the brickis scratchingat the exposed skinonmylower backfromwhere myT-shirt has riddenup,andmypalmsaresweating.
Fuck Did he have to look so insanely gorgeous?
IfIthoughtthe teenage boyIfell inlovewithall those years agowas hot,he has nothingonthebreathtakingmanhe’s growninto.Hisboyishfacehashardenedintosharplines,butthere’sahintofthosesexydimpleshegetswhenhesmilesjust forme
Hewasalwaysalittleontheleanerside thankstohisloveofrunning butnowhe’sbulkedupabitwithmusclesin alltherightplaces He’snotbody-builderbig,butIhavenodoubtthathe’sripped MymouthwatersasIthinkaboutrunning myhandsandmytongueoverhisripplinghardabs.
IfeltlikethisthreeyearsagowhenIsawhimforthefirsttimesinceourargumentatsixteen Iwasoverwhelmedbyhow much he’d grown up, and how much hotter he’d got. And now every time I see him, I notice a little more. There’s just somethingabouthimthatgrabsmeinanewwayeachtimeIseehim.
AsIthinkabouthowunbelievablysexyFinnnowlooks,insteadoftheridiculoussituationI’vegotmyselfin,Ibeginto calm down, my breathing returning to normal as my heart rate finally slows. Sadly, all the dirty thoughts I’m having do absolutelynothingformypanties,astheybecomesoakedwitheachnewthought
I’mso lost inthe moment, myeyes closed as I thinkof all the ways he’s grownup, I miss the sound of approaching footsteps Isensesomeone’spresenceencroachingonmypersonal space,myeyes flyingopenasthepotential danger finally registers.
The footsteps have gottena lotcloser thanIrealise. As Iopenmyeyes, adjustingto his proximity, he closes the gap, steppingtowardsmeoncemore InsteadofthefearIshouldfeel,myheartisracingforacompletelydifferentreason Idon’t needtolooktoknow it’shim.MaybeIcouldsenseitwashimallalong.OurbodiesaresointunewitheachotherthatIjust knowit’shimapproaching,whichiswhyIdidn’tsensedanger
Ialmostwanttolaughattheabsurdityofmybrain,thinkingIhavesomekindofsoulmateconnectionwithFinn.It’smore realistictosaythatIknewitwashimfromhisscent slightlyfloralwithchamomileandhoney,andawoodsysmellthatisso completelyFinn.It’s like the mostintoxicatingperfume,andifIcouldbottle itup,Iwouldabsolutelysprayitonmypillow everynight,soIcouldpretendhe’stherewithme.
Fuck, Mac, can you try to sound like less of a psychotic, stalker bitch, please? Ithinktomyself.Ireallyamstartingto soundmorethanalittleobsessed.
Allthoughtsofmyworseninginsanityarepushedrightoutofthewindowwhenheclosesthegapevenfurther,stepping into mypersonal space so muchthatour bodies are almosttouching. Icanfeel his breathagainstmycheek, and the warmth fromhisbodyspreadsacrosstomine Heslamsonepalmontothewallbesidemyhead,cagingmeinfurther,andtheintensity ofthemovementforcesmyeyestoflyuptolookathisface.
He’sstillsofuckingbeautifulthatit’shardtolookathim Imean,hiswholefuckingfamilylooksliketheyaremodels, butnobodyshouldbethissexy. Save some for the rest of us,Ithink.ButtheminuteImeethiseyes,IrealiseI’mintrouble.His normally bright crystal blue eyes have darkened, and there’s a burning fire swirling around beneath them that causes my stomachtotwist
Hisjawissetinahardline,andIcanseehe’sclenchinghisteethwhilsttryingtotakesmallbreaths.He’sattemptingto come offas calmand cold, butthat’s somethingFinncannever be withme No matter how reserved he tries to appear, it’s obviousthere’saragesimmeringunderthesurface,andeventhoughhe’stryingtocontrolit,I’mhistarget.
“Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere,Mac?”hegrinds,eachwordcomingoutshortandsharp There’saclearwarningin histone,tellingmenottopisshimoffbecausehe’sclosetolosinghistemper whichissomethinghe’sneverdonewithme.
Idon’tknowwhatthefuckiswrongwithmymessedupbrain,butallIcanthinkisthatIkindawanttoseehimlosehis shit Iwantto experience whathe’s like whenhe loses control Iwantto have hot, crazy, angrysex, righthere and now, up againstthiswall,inthisdirtyalleyway.
Imean, I’mprettysure that’s not how this little showdownis goingto end, but Iwouldn’t sayno I’ve spent the last elevenyearscravingFinn,andnowhe’ssocloseIcanquiteliterallyalmostfeelit.AllIhavetodoisreachoutandtakewhat Iwant.
Theonlythingholdingmebackisthefireinhiseyes,andthewayhe’sgentlytremblingbeneathme.He’sbarelyholding ittogether.Idon’tthinkhecouldhandlemepushinghimrightnow butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mnotgoingtopushalittle.
“Walkinghomefromwork,Finley Whataboutyou?”Ireplysmugly,andIdon’tmissthewayhisjawtwitchesatmyuse ofhisfullname.Evenhismumdoesn’tcallhimFinley.
Hisscowl deepensasheclosesthedistancebetweenusevenfurther,andIcanfeel thehardlinesofhisbodypressed againstmine.ItrynottothinkabouthowmanytimesI’veimaginedwrithingaroundbeneathhim,andhowhotIgetjustthinking aboutit.Ineedtopullmymindoutofthegutter,becausehe’sclearlynotthinkingaboutmeinanykindofsexualwayrightnow. He’spissedwithme.
“Don’tplayfuckinggames,McKenna.Whyareyouhere?”hespits,histeethgrindingasheglaresatme.
“Itoldyou,I’mhereforwork,”Ireplyvaguely,hisjawtwitchingatmyblaséresponse
Withhis free hand the other remainingfirmlyonthe wall beside myhead,helpingtocage me in he reaches upand placesitonmyneck,hisfingersspreadingaroundsohecanpushslightlyagainstmythroat
The sexiest kind of necklace,Ithinktomyself.
For justa second, there’s a sparkoffear, and Iwonder ifFinn’s reallycapable ofcausingme harm. After all, Idon’t reallyknowhimanymore Wehaven’tspokenforseveralmonths Andthelastfewtimeswetalkeddidn’texactlygowell
He’scertainlynotthefreshfacedkidIwasinfatuatedwithatschool.Theguyinfrontofmenow,whoisgentlypressing onmythroat,restrictingmybreathing,isallman,andhe’scompletelyforeigntome
Ireachuptograbholdofhiswrist,mysmallhandslookingalmostdaintyasItrytopullfreefromhisgrasp.Butit’sno use He’sbiggerandstrongerthanme,andiscompletelyincontrolrightnow
Even though he’s not pressing too hard not enough to leave marks or hurt too much he’s still able to restrict my breathing,andIstarttopanicas blackspots beginfloodingthecorners ofmyvision.Hemustseethefear inmyeyes,as he quicklydropshishandfrommyneckandtakesastepback,keepinghisotherarmonthewallstill
Withhishandnolongersupportingme,andhisbodynotcagingmeinasmuchasbefore,Ifallforwardslightly,bending inthecentreuntilmyforeheadisagainsthischest,myhandsrestingonmythighsforsupport Igaspforair,andamshockedby howsharpitfeelsasIdragthebreathintomylungs.FinntakesanotherstepbacksoI’mnottouchinghim,andIdon’tneedto lookathimtoknowhe’smadathimselfforlashingoutthewayhedid
Takingoneshakyhandoffmythigh,Ireachoutandgrabthefrontofhisshirt,fistingitintomyfingersasbestIcangiven thetrembling.OnceI’msureIhavecontrolovermybreathing,IriskalookatFinn.Hisfaceisbacktothehardmaskhewas wearinginthe Whitlockhouse, buthis brightblue eyes lookhaunted Icansee he’s chewingonthe inside ofhis cheek a nervoushabithe’shadsincehewasakid.
Everysooftenhisgazeflicksfromlookingatme,downtowheremyhandisgrippinghisshirt,tetheringhimtome Ican tellhe’sconfused.Ishouldpushhimawaywhileyellingathimforputtinghishandonmythroatlikethat.ButIdon’t.
Thetruthis,I’vehadseveraldreamswherehe’sdoneexactlythattome.Only,inthedreams,hehasamuchmoresexual motive, and the whole act is a massive fuckingturnon. I never thought I’d like beingmanhandled and submittingto a guy, lettinghimtakepleasureinanywayhechooses.ButwithFinn,IthinkIwoulddoanything.
As those wicked thoughts flood mybrain, Ifeel tingles across mylower stomach, spreadingto mycore, and Iknow I needtodosomething,orthere’saverygoodchanceI’mgoingtopullFinnintomeandsmashmylipsagainsthim.And,sadly,I don’tthinkwe’requitereadyforthatyet
Reluctantly,Idropmyhandfromhisshirt,andforjustasecond,asadexpressionflicksacrosshisface.Ilookupathim throughhoodedeyes,hopinghecanseehowmuchIstillfeelforhim,withouthavingtousewords ThoughIdoowehimsome answers.
“McKenna,Ineedtoknowwhatthefuckyouaredoinghere I’msureyouhavefiguredoutbynowthatI’mworking,and younearlyblew thewholefuckingoperationbackthere.DoyouhaveanyideawhatwouldhappenifMel evensuspectsthat oneofusisaspy?”
His voice rises atthe end, and Icanhear more thanjustanger He sounds as thoughhe is genuinelyconcerned for my wellbeing.Hissinceritypushesmetobehonestwithhim.
IgivehimasmallsmileandtakeadeepbreathbeforeIexplain “I’mhereforyou”
Hisbreathhitchesandhiseyeswidenasmywordssinkin.Myvoicetrembles,butIcontinue.“Thatnight,afterAnita’s funeral,playsonrepeatinmyhead,youknow Growingupwithyou,Iknewwhoyourdadwas,andthetypeofworkhewas involvedin.Iwatchedeachofyour brotherstrainfor rolesthatweretoobloodygrownupfor teenagerstobeundertaking.I prayedtoanydeitythatwouldlisten,askingthemtospareyou.Youwerefartoogoodforthatlife,butwerealwaysdestinedto bepartofitallthesame
“Whenyoubrokemyheartjustbeforetheprom,Iwasdevastated,andforawhile,Igenuinelydidhateyou.ButthenI realisedthatyourbehaviourwassooutofcharacter,itdidn’tlineupwiththeguyIgrewupwith ThepersonIthoughtIknew betterthanmyselfsometimes.Ittookmeawhiletorealiseit,butassoonasitclickedinmyhead,Iknewyouwerejusttrying topushmeaway.IwassofuckingmadthatIhadletmyemotionsgetintheway,andI’dallowedyoutodoit.”
AsI’mtakinginashallowbreath,readyingmyselfforthenextbitofmysemi-rehearsedspeech,hissmall,gravellyvoice cutsmeoff.“Ineverwantedtobreakyourheart.”
Reachingout,Itakeholdofhishandinmine,andassoonasourskintouches,electricityshiversdownmyspine It’slike our bodies are tellingus they’re supposed to fittogether. He casts a glance downatour joined hands, and for a second, he looksunsureoverwhetherheshouldpullawayornot Iletoutasighofreliefwhenhedoesn’t
“Iknowyoudidn’t,”Ireassurehim,beforecontinuing.“WhenIsawyouagain,allthoseyearslater,andyouweredating Anita the woman I was supposed to be caring for I knew something wasn’t right straight away. No way would you voluntarily choose to date someone in her seventies. Also, you had a different surname, a different background…it was obviousyouwereundercoveronajob.Ijustdidn’tknowwhatyouweredoing.
“Ihavetoadmit,IhatedtheideaofyoudatingAnita Irememberlookingatmyselfinthemirror,wonderingwhatitwas abouta womaninher seventies thatyoufound more attractive thanme. Itkilled me. Butthenthere was Liam’s engagement party Hetoldmethattherewassomuchmoregoingonthanmeetstheeye though,Ithink,deepdown,Ialreadyknewthat andheaskedmetogiveyouachance.SoIdid.”
Hisdeepchucklecutsthroughmyspeech,andIcantellhe’srememberingthatnight almostthreeyearsagonow inhis dad’soffice Thefirsttimehereallytouchedme Thefirsttimehetoldmehewantedme Whenheadmittedthatwhathewants doesn’tmatter,aswecouldneverhaveafuturewhilehewasworkingforhisdad.
“Irememberthatnightwell,”hegrowls,andablushspreadsacrossmycheeksasIrecallthewayhelookedatmeasI fellapartforhim.
DoeshedreamofthatnightthewayIdo?Doeshepleasurehimselfwhilehe’sallalone,thesamewayIdo?Iimagine it’shisfingersroamingacrossmybody,slippingintomysoakedslit.Ipretendit’shislarge,skilledhandsthatareplayingmy bodylikeawell-tunedinstrument.Doeshethinkit’smylittlehandswrappingaroundhishardlengthashemasturbatestothe memoriesofthatnight?
Iclearmythroatandtrytopushasidethosethoughts,asFinnandhishardlengthwilldefinitelydistractmefromtherest ofmywell-practisedspeech
“Ilovedthatnight.Itgavemeaglimpseofwhatwecouldhavetogether,andIwanteditmorethanever,butIstillneeded answers Iknewyouwerelyingtome,keepingthingsfromme,andIneededtoknowthetruth
“After Anita’s funeral, when you finally told me everything… All about the life you live and the job you do, I was stunned,andIknowIprobablydidn’treactasgreatasIcouldhave.Forthat,I’mtrulysorry.I’msureIhurtyouwhenIwalked awayfromyouthatday Truthis,Ididn’tknow whattomakeofwhatyoutoldme Theideathatyouwerebasicallywhoring yourselfout,itmademefeelsick.”
Assoonasthewordsareoutofmymouth,Iregretthem Hedropsmyhandlikehe’ssuddenlyrealisedit’spoisoned,and he steps away, outofmypersonal space, thatmaskbackonhis face. He sneers atme, his voice harsher thanIexpect. “IfI disgustyousofuckingmuch,whythehellareyouhere?”
Itrytoreachforhimagain,buthepushesmyhandasideandmyheartaches.Thisisn’tgoinghowIplanned.“I’msorry, Finn.I’mnotsayingthattoupsetyou,I’mjusttryingtoexplain.Inallhonesty,Iwassofuckingjealous.”
Thistimehiseyessnapuptomeetmine,andhisgazenarrowsinconfusion.“Jealous?”herepeats,unsureifheheardme correctly.
“Yes,youasshole,Iwasjealous Iwaspissedthatyouwerewiththeseolderwomenandnotme Ihatedtheideathatyou werewillinglygivingthemsomethingthatIhadcravednearlymywholelife.Ofcourse,Iwasfuckingjealous.EvenwhenI wassofuckingmadatyou,itmademybloodboil AllIkeptthinkingiswhydidn’tyouwantme?” “Mac…”
Finntriestointerruptme,butIholdmyhanduptocuthimoff “ThatnightatLiam’sengagementparty,yousaidthatyou claimedmeasyours.Thateventhoughwecouldn’tbetogether,inallthewaysthatmattered,Iwasyours.Butthat’snotenough for me. Iamdone waiting. So, I’mhere, helpingyoufinishthis job, thenwe canfinallybe together. Youhave always been mine Yousaidsothatnight,andagainafterthefuneral NowI’mheretoclaimyou”
FLASHBACKTOLIAM’SENGAGEMENTPARTY -TWOANDAHALFYEARSAGO-
don’twanttowearafuckingtie,”Ipout,stompingmyfootlikeagrumpyteenager.Liamjustrollshiseyes.
He’s herewhileBree’s takingashower,under thepretencethathe’s helpingmetodress appropriately sincehe knowshowmuchIhatetheseridiculousmonkeysuits butreallyhe’scheckinguponme
Whenwehadourtalkearlier,andItoldRedallabouthowmuchofanassholeourfatheris,andwhatIdoforthefamily, Iknowshewasshocked IthinkLiamwasalittletoo
Don’tgetmewrong,he’sknownwhatmyjobisforyears,andhe’sbeentryingtohelpmegetoutbeforeIevendidmy firstassignment BothheandKellankepttellingmethatthisisthesortofrolethatchangesaperson Theymadeoutlikethe thingsIdoaresomuchworsethantheirs,butLiamkillspeopleforaliving.
Atthetenderageofsixteen,IwasjustpleasedDadhadfoundauseforme.Therewasnothingworsethanmybrothers all havingjobs that Dad respected, whilst I was left onthe sideline Too soft for Evan’s type of work, and too muchof a conscienceforLiam’s.Butusingmylookstomyadvantage,aswellaslyingandmanipulatingpeopletogetwhatIwant,that waseasyforme
Sowhentheywarnedmethatit’sthetypeofjobyoucan’tcomebackfrom,Ithoughttheywerejusttryingtoprotectme.I shouldhaveknownthey’dberight
Ican’tevenview relationships like a normal person.Whenever someone hits onme,Iquestiontheir motives,thinking aboutwhatthey’retryingtogetoutofeachinteraction.Thenotionoffallinginloveandgettingmarriedmeansnothingtome anymore I’vebeenmarriedmoretimesthanIcancount thoughneverasmyreal,legalname butthemoretimesIdoit,the lesssacredtheactbecomes.
broken.YetI’vesaidthosevowssomanytimesIcanrecitethembymemory,andIcantellyouthateachtimetheymeantfuck all. I’ve brokeneveryvow I’ve ever made. How canI lookfor love knowingthat I don’t see the point ina relationship? KnowingthatIwillalwaysbewonderingwhenitwillend,andwhattheotherpersonistryingtogetoutofme
“Whatcrawledupyourassanddied?”Liamsnapsashereachesoverandstartstyingmytieproperly.Idropmyhands, knowinghewilldoamuchbetterjobthanIevercould Storyofmyfuckinglife Alwaysbetteredbymylittlebrother
“Sorry, it’s all this shit withAnita and Mac. I can’t believe, after all these years, she’s finallybackinmylife. And there’sfuckall Icandoaboutitbecausesheworksfor thewomanI’mabouttomarry She’sprofessional whenever she’sat work,butshebarelytalkstome.It’sclearshe’stryingtoavoidseeingme,andIdon’tblameher.Iseethewayshelooksatme, andIhateit.Thelookofdisgustonherface itmakesmefeelsick,”Iexplain,mystomachcoilinginknotsjustthinkingabout it
Ofallthepeopleintheworld,she’sthelastoneI’deverwanttolookatmewithdisgustandcontempt.Idon’tknowifI caneverunseethatexpression
Liamdoesthatthinghe’sknownforwherehejustsortoflooksatyoupensively,silencepermeatingtheair,andyoudon’t knowwhetheryou’resupposedtospeakornot Usually,it’sbecausehe’stryingtofindtherightthingtosay,ratherthansteamrollinginandsayingthewrongthing,likeKellanwoulddo.
“Look,Finn.IknowtheworkyoudoforDadisshit,andI’vebeentryingtogetyououtofitforyears.Weknew ”
“Ifthis is a fucking‘Itoldyouso’speech,youcanskipit,” Isnap,interruptinghimbefore he has a chance tofinish I alreadyknowmybrother’sperfectcomparedtome,Idon’tneedtohearitaloudtoo.
Liamholdsuphishandslikehe’ssurrendering,butIcanseehe’shurt “Iwasn’tdoingan‘Itoldyouso’speech,andyou wouldknowthatifyouletmefinish.”
Fuck,nowIfeelbad.“Sorry,”Imutter,gazeflickingdowntothefloor.
“It’sfine.WhatIwasgoingtosayisthatI’vebeentryingtogetyououtofdoingthisworkforawhilebecausetheeffect ithasonyourlifeissomuchworsethanwhatanyofusdo.You’reconstantlypretendingtobesomeoneelse.Youcannever haveanormalrelationshipbecauseyoufeelasthoughyou’recheatingifyoudo,”heexplains,andIfeelhiswordsdeepinmy soul.
Asalways,Liamisright Ican’tliveanormallife,notwhileI’mlivingasFakeFinn whateveraliasitisforthatjob “SoyouthinkIneedtostayawayfromMcKennaandjustdomyjob?”
Liamlaughs,andmyeyesflickuptomeethisemeraldgreeneyes.“Ididn’tsaythat.Untilrecently,Iknewfuckallabout love,andsoIwouldn’thavehadanyadviceforyouatall.AndI’mnotsayingI’mabigexpert,allofasudden,butiftheway youfeelaboutMacinanywaymatcheshowIfeelforBree,itwon’tbepossibletostayaway.
“You’vemadealotofmistakesinthepast,andnormallyIwouldencourageyoutoownuptothem,grovel ather feet, andhopelikehellshetakesyouback.Butthatwon’tworkthistimebecauseofAnita.So,youhavetodecidewhatyouwant, andifshe’sit,thendowhateveryouneedtodotogethertoseethat”
Ican’thelp the smile thatspreads across myface. “So, you’re inlove withRed, are you?” Iask, thinkingbackto the fieryredheadweleftinLiam’sroom.
She’snotatallwhatIexpectedwhenIlearntLiamwascomingbackheretointroducehisfiancéetothefamily WhenI foundoutthemarriagewasfake,Iwasalittledisappointedwithmybrother.Ialwaysthoughthewasbetterthanthat,thanme.I expectedhimtomarryforlove
Afterall,he’salwaystoldushedoesn’twantpower.That’swhyhepasseduptheopportunitytoruleourFamily,despite beingtheyoungestbrother Hewould’veprobablybeenthebestatit,buthedidn’twantit So,tolearnhe’smarryingawoman forpowerandmoney,Iwaslessthanimpressed.
ButallthatchangedthemomentImetthelittlefirecrackerwiththebrightredhair.Sheseemssmall,fragile,andcute,but looks canbe deceiving WhenDad started shootingearlier, she was the first to throw herself into harm’s wayto protect a familyshe’snevermet.She’sanaturalleader,andIcouldseewhyLiamwouldwanttoteamupwithher,butthat’snotwhat changedmymind
It’s the wayLiamlooks ather. Whenever they’re inthe same roomtogether, it’s like he justknows where she is. Like there’samagneticpullholdingthemtogether Andthewayheadmireshermakesmyheartache
EventhoughLiamand Ihaven’tseeneachother muchinthe lastyear or two, there was a time whenwe were really close, and I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that before. The way he smiles at Bree, even when she’s not paying attention Andhewatchesher,notinacreepystalkerway,butmorelikehejustcan’ttakehiseyesoffher Ididn’tneedhimto tellmethatthelovehehasforRedisreal.Veryfewpeoplecanfakethatlook.Believeme,it’smyjob.
Liam’s voice sounds different, as he can’t stop smiling “Ofcourse Ilove her You’ve met her What’s not to love? I knowthisstartedoutasaBlackWedding,andit’ssupposedtobefake forbusinessonly butithasn’tstayedthatway.Ithink shefeelsthesame.Our relationshipbecamereal beforeweevenrealised.Andeventhoughthisridiculousengagementparty MumandDadarethrowingismoreaboutDadattemptingtopeacockandshowoffhisnewasset,forme,it’sreal.Iplantotell BreehowIfeellatertonight,andaskherifshewantstoproperlymarryme.”