PROLOGUE
“Scandal has shaken the rock world once again, with Beck Danvers’surprise departure in the middle of a Dead Ringers performance at Warped Tour Beck, the new lead singer, was on a sold-out world tour with the infamous bad-boy band when she suddenly stormed off stage and didn’t reappear. So far, three dates have been canceled, and there’s no news from the band ”
“Beck Danvers, the drama queen ”
“Dead Ringers, who are no strangers to drama, have once again made headlines with spoiled singer Beck Danvers The mysterious new lead singer landed them in hot water ”
“The question is, will the band ever recover from this? Will Beck Danvers come back for one last melody, or is she rebelling?”
Scoffing,IturntheTVoffandreclineonthecheapmotelbed.Iftheyonlyknewthetruthaboutme. IftheyonlyknewBeckDanversdoesn’texist IftheyonlyknewIamafraud,justlikemybandmatesknownow.
ONE
“Ican’tdealwithanotherfuckingaudition,man.Theyarealluseless.”
“Rude,”Travinterjects
“Buttrue.”Koltonnods,drumminghisfingersonthestickywoodentable.“They’vebeenokay,butnotshowstopping worthy Weneedrawtalent,thevoicetomatchourown,or ”
“We’refucked,”IconcludeasIleanback,slingingmyarmoverthebackofmychair.“Nobodywantstobeoursingerafter the shit show that’s our history, and I can’t fucking blame them. We are dead in the goddamn water, and if we don’t find someonesoon,ourlabelwillpulltheirofferandwe’lljustbesomewashed-uprockbandwhocouldhavemadeitbig” “Iftheystayedoutoftrouble,”Travmutters,shootingmeaside-eye.
Swallowinghardagainstmyguilt,Iinclinemyhead,abouttoapologizeonceagain,whenthesoundofathroatclearinghas usalljerkingourheadsuptocheckoutthestage.Weweresolostinourownshit,wedidn’tevenhearthenextauditiontaketo thetinyblackstageinthebar weareusing Wegetfreedrinksbecausethemanager hasacrushonme,whichremindsme I need to throw her a fuckingratitude not somethingI do anymore but it’s necessary. I have a lot to make up for withmy bandmates.
My eyes finally adjust to the bright spotlight again, and my jaw actually drops at the woman standing there, ready to audition.Herblondehairhangsinwavespastherhips,andherbrowneyespopfromherthickeyeliner,contrastingnicelywith her brightpurple lips and pale skin She’s tall, almostas tall as me, withhuge boots thatbuckle to her knees She wears a raggedbandT-shirtmadeintoadress,withthesidesofherboobsclearlyondisplay.Tattoosarespreadacrossherskinlikea storybook
She’sfuckingstunning,andsheknowsit.
“Well,areyouready,orshouldIwaitforyourlittlehuddletofinish?”shedeadpans. Ifeelmycheeksheat
Whothefuckisthiswoman?
ImustsayitoutloudbecauseonedarkeyebrowarchesasKoltonandTravshootmeadirtylook “Name’sBeckDanvers Now,shallIsing,orareyougoingtokeeptryingtoshootyoureyesthroughmyshirttoseeifI’mwearingabra?”
“Well,areyou?”Iask,flirtingcomingnaturallyas Ilaymyarmacross mychair withacockysmirkI’veperfected the onethatmakeseverywomanwetandmine.Shesimplyrollshereyes. Interesting.
Idolikeafight Anelbowhitsmygut,makingmedoubleover IturnmyglaretoKoltandseehimglaringrightback “No,” hetellsmebeforesmilingwarmlyather.
“Whatwillyoubesingingtoday?”
“‘CherryBomb,’”Beckreplies,shootingmeanotherstinkeye.“Unlessthat’sanissue.”
“Howcliché.”Igroan,disappointed.“Listen,babe,ifyou’reheretogetclosetome,fine,leaveyournumber,andwhenI havetimeorI’mbored,I’llcallyou.Thisisaseriousaudition ”
“Howaboutyoushutthefuckupforonce,ChaseReed.andlistentomesing?Isureasshitdidn’tdrivefivehundredmiles tohavetwominutesinyourvan,whichwouldprobablybetheworsttwominutesofmylife”
MymouthsnapsshutinshockasKoltandTravdoubleoverinlaughter.
“Oh,Ilikeher,”Travsays
“Shutup,”Ihissathim.“Fine,Beck.Takeitaway.Blowusallawaywithyourincredibletalent.”
“Iwill.”Shesmirksasshecountsinthemusic.
The music starts up, and despite her bravado, she closes her eyes nervously, licking her perfect lips Her hands shake
slightlyasshegripsthemic There’saguitararoundherneck,butshedoesn’ttouchityet It’sanolderFenderStratocaster,and fromthecoloring,I’dsayit’srareandpricey.Thefirstnotesheletsoutisinthewrongkey,andIwince,butshecarrieson, gettingintotherhythmandfixingituntilthemusicflowsfromher That’swhenthetransformationcomesoverher,oneweall feel.Hereyesopen,andherbodyswaysalongasshegetsbolder.
Ileanforward,mybreathcatchinginmythroat I’mscarcelyabletotakemyeyesoffher She’sraw,that’sforsure,andshe needscoachingonstagepresenceandvocalizing,buthervoice?
Shesoundslikeagoddamnfallenangel Shit.
Whenthelastnotefades,she’sbreathingheavily,andhereyesfocusonuslikesheforgotwewerehere.Foramoment,so didI Travgetstohisfeetandwhistles,clapping
Koltongrinsandlooksatme.Iquicklyschoolmyexpressionbecausedespitehertalent,she’strouble.Icanseeitamile away Noonecomesherewholookslikeher,withthattalent,withoutbaggage Trustme,Iknow BeckDanvershasastory, andIhaveafeelingitwon’tendwellforus.Iwon’tputmybandmatesthroughthatshitagain. We’vefacedenoughforalifetime “Nope,nother,”Isnap.
“She’sgood no,she’sfuckinggreat.Ihaven’theardarawvoicelikehersinyears,”Koltargues. “She’sclearlyuntrained,”Iprotest,ignoringher “Sowefuckingtrainher.Youwerelikeheronce.She’spowerful,good,”Travcounters,annoyed.
“YouknowIcanhearyou,right?”shedrawls,andTravgrins “Andsheclearlytakesnoshitfromyou.Weneedthat.”Withoutwaitingformythoughts,thetwoknuckleheadsturnbackto herandgrin.
“You’rein.WelcometoDeadRingers.”
Partofmedidn’tactuallybelieveIwoulddoit.Ididn’tthinkIwouldgetintotheaudition,letalonebecomeDeadRingers’ newleadsinger Ihoped,butInever
“Andthisisthegameroom.”Travgrinssheepishly.“It’sabitofamess.Wearen’tusedtohouseguests.”Nodding,I gripmydufflebagtighter “Isthatallyouown?”
Ibringmyeyes uptomeethis brightblueorbs,andhewinces again,scrubbingathis headandmussinghis styledblack hair,whichisshorteronthesidesandlongerontop.Hisnoseandlipringsglintinthelightashewatchesme.Hehastolook downsince he’s sotall He’s skinnytoo, butIcansee muscle peekingoutfromunder his clothes,as well as lots oftattoos He’shotinthatbad-boyrockerway,andheevenhastheeyelinertogoalongwiththelook.
“Imean,it’scoolifthat’severything Iwasjustgoingtotakeittoyourroomforyou” “Myroom?” Itiltmyhead.Theydraggedmehere after thebar,barelyevengivingme a minutetograbmyshitfromthe backroom Igotsomehastyintroductionsontheshortdrivehere,butthatwasaboutit “Well, yeah.” He blushes hard. “Shit, we didn’t even tell you, did we? It’s in our contract. We have to live together. Bondingorsomeshit.It,um,cameupafter,well,aftersomethinghappened.Soyou’llbelivingherewithusinyourownroom andwithprivacyofcourse Isthatokay?”
“Idon’thaveanywhereelsetogo.”Ishrug,lookingaround.It’strue,Idon’t,butsharingahousewiththreerockstars?This shouldbefun Iguessitwillhelpmegetclosetothemthough “Oh,well, that’s good,Iguess.” He sounds unsure. Koltonand Chase disappearedas soonas we pulled upto the grand mansiononthehill “Soitbelongstoourmanagement,butyoucandecorateordowhateveryouwant Thereareafewhouse rules.Here,letmetakethatwhileIshowyoutoyourroom.”Hereachesformybag,andIstepback.
“It’sokay.I’vegotit,”Imumble,notwantingtopartwithathinginside.
Heblinksbutnods,andIfollow himoutofthebasementgameroom,aroundthefoyer,andupthestairs Whenhisvoice comes, it’s unsure. It’s obvious he doesn’tknow whatto make ofme, and that’s fine, butthenIremind myselfIneed to be friendswiththesepeople,whichmeansmakinganeffort,somethingthatusedtocomenaturallytome Iwasalwaysapeopleperson. Before.
“Okay,well,nohouseguests i.e.,nohookupshereatall.Takeitelsewhere.”Heshootsmeasidewayslook.“Thatcame inbecauseof ”
“Chase?”Iguesswithagrin,makinghimlaugh “Yep,onetoomanycrazyone-nightstandswhokeptstealingfromusorlive-streaming,somanagementmadeitarule.No drugs Noneatall That’sabandrule” “Idon’tuse.”Ishrug.
Westoponthesecondfloor,andhegesturesatthreeclosedwoodendoors. “Good. These are our rooms incase youneed us.” He coughs and speeds up. “We do party, butno scandals or we lose bonuses.Ithinkthat’saboutit.Oh,hereisyourroom.”Heopenstheplainwoodendoorandsweepsinside.
Ifollowafterhim,wonderingifthisiswhere she slept thesingerwhocamebeforeme
There’s a grayupholstered bed pushed againstthe backwhite wall and two bland grayside tables withlamps oneither sideofit
Iseetwodoors,andTravnodstothem.“Bathroom,sodon’tworry,youdon’thavetosharewithus.Koltisamirrorhog.” Hesmirks.“Andacloset.”
Wanderingintotheroom,Idropmybagontheunmadebedandmovetothewindowsthattakeuptheentireleftwallfrom
floor to ceiling Asmall, circular balconyoutside looks outacross the city For a moment, agonytears throughme, so Iturn awayandswallowitdown.
Ican’taffordtobreak
Notnow,nothere,notwiththem.
“IguessI’llletyougetsettled Justhollerifyouneedanything We’vesetupameetingfortonightwithourlabeltosignall theboringpaperwork,andtheywillgothrougheverything.You’llbethrownintothedeepend.Ourtourwasrescheduledfor thisyear,andyouonlyhaveafewmonthstoprepare”
“Notaproblem.”Iknowallthisalready,butIdon’ttellhim.
Idon’ttellhimIdon’tplantobeherethatlong,butIhavetokeepupappearances.
“Okaythen”Hesmilessoftlyatme,sowarmandwelcoming “I’mgladyou’rehere,Beck Remember,youareoneofus now.”
“Thanks,Trav,Imeanit”Ilookaround,andwhenIglanceback,thedoorisshutandhe’sgone Myshouldersdrop,andI blowoutabreath,lookingattheroomwithmyhandsonmyhips.
“Well,Imadeit,Terrie WhatdoIdonow?”Igrumble
Pullingmyhairtiefrommywrist,Iwindmylongblondehairupintoamessybunandtakeoffmyjacket,tossingitontothe bedandunzippingmybag.Imightaswellgetunpacked.
Myhandlingersontheboxinsidethebag Ilookforaplacetohideit Idon’tknowiftheywillcomeinhere,butIcan’t trust that theywon’t snoop, especiallyChase, so Iexplore the bathroombefore openingthe closet. There’s a shallow shelf runningalongthetopwithsparebeddingandtowels,soIshovethemasideandpress uponmytiptoes,carefullyslidingthe boxtothebackandcoveringitagain.Droppingbackdown,Igrabbunchesofclothesandstarttohangthem.
WhileIdo,mymindwanderstothepersonwholivedintheroombeforeme theonenoonetalksaboutandthereason theyareonadeadline.
There’snothinghere.It’sbare,clean,andrepainted.
I’malmostsadnottohavethatconnection,butIremindmyselfIdon’tneedit Ineedtofocusonworking,butasIunpack myonemeaslybag,Ispotsomething.
Steppingcloser to the backofthe walk-incloset, Ican’t help but smile Carved into the door is a slanted smileyface Swallowing,Ireachupandcaressthecarving,wonderingifshefeltasaloneandunsureasIdo. Iwonderiftheywereaskindtoher. Iwonderifshesathere,pouringherdreamsintolyrics. Iwonderifthisiswhereithappened.
Closingthedooronthepast,Iturntofacemyfutureandthethreemenwhoarewaitingthere
THREE
“I’mjustsaying,” Chase grumbles as he lines up his shot. Iwatchhis ball sinkinto the pocketand smirk. Groaning, he straightensfromthepooltableandgrabshisbeer,grippingtheneckhardasheglaresatthepoolcuelikeit’sthereason he’slosing.
ChaseReedhasalwaysbeenasoreloserandabitofanasshole,likenow “Iknowwhatyou’resaying.Youdon’tlikeher.Well,toughshit,”Ireply.“She’stalented,andweneedthat.Weneedfresh blood,oldman,sogetoverit.”Isinkmyshotasheglaresatme.
“Whoareyoucallingold,youpunk?I’monlyfiveyearsolderthanyou,”hescoffs,pushinghishairbackandposinglike there’s a camera around.Idon’tbother pointingitout,since it’s ahabitfor this royal prince.He’s sucha poser.Ihatedhim whenIwasfirstbroughtintotheband He’saknow-it-all,stuck-upbastard,buthe’sdamntalented,sodespiteallhisflaws,I stuckaround.
Webecamefriends,fuckedifIknow how Helovesattentionandspendingsprees,whileIpreferthequietersideoflife, butitworks,andTravkeepsusincheckwhenwebuttheads,butthere’salwaysaspacewhereourfourthshouldbe.
ItusedtobeIla,Trav’ssister,whowasoursecondleadsinger,butthenshedecidedtogosoloandiskillingit.We’vehad a few replacements since then, butnone stuckaround Either Chase drove themawayor fucked themand dropped them Well,untilthelastone.
Tampingdowntheguiltandpain,IfocusbackonChase,forcingasmile Idon’twanttogodownthatdarkroadagain It tookmeawholebunchoffuckingcounselingtocomebackfromwhathappened,andI’mdeterminedtogivethistourourbest. It’sourlastshottomakesomethingofourselvesagain Wecan’taffordtofail.
Itwouldbetheendofusall.We’dloseeverythingandgodownasnothingbutwannabeswhocouldn’tcutit. “Is that a gray hair I see?” I taunt, and Chase’s eyes widen, his beer crashing to the floor as he races to the closest reflectivesurfaceandsearchesthroughhishair.
“Where?Where oh,youlittlefucker!”Heturnsandlauncheshimselfatme Laughing,Isteptothesidetoavoidhim “Gettingslow.Isityouroldage?”Itease.
Werunaroundthepooltable,keepingitbetweenusasIgrinandfeintleft.Pointingatme,heshouts,“You’redead!” “Sure,oldman,butyouhavetocatchmefirst!”
“Nobloodshedinside.Takeitoutside,”Travcalls.“I’msickofcleaningthefloors.”
“Stayoutofthis,”Chasehisses “Ineedtoteachthislittlepunkalesson”
“Youarebothchildren.”Travsighs,andwhenIglanceover,he’snursingacupofcoffee,leaningagainstthedoor.“You aren’tsettingagoodexampleforBeck”
“Idon’tknow,I’mkindofcuriouswhowillwin,”comesapurringvoice.WeallwhiparoundtoseeBeckcurleduponone ofthearmchairsbeforethegamingTV,abeerinherhandasshewatchesus.
“Howlonghaveyoubeenthere?”Iask,confused.
“Longenough.”Shesmirks,anddamnifmyheartdoesn’tskipabeat,especiallywhenshemeetsmyeyeswithaknowing look Thewomanisfartooattractive Shecouldbeamodel,butheresheiswithus Whenshestandsandstretches,herdress rises,flashinghersupplethighs.Mydickhardens,andmymouthturnsdry.
Iknowshe’sbadnews,andIknowIshouldkeepmydistance
Nothinggoodwillcomeofthis.HowmanytimesdidwewarnChaseawayfromfuckingournewsingers?I’mdebatingifI couldcrossthatverysamelinenow,oneI’veneverevenbeentemptedtocross.
She’scompletelyobliviousofthethreehardgazeswatchingherasshesauntersaroundthecouch,themagnetismthatmakes heranaturalsingerstoppingusinourtracks.She’slikeagoddamnmovieIcan’tlookawayfrom.
“Sowhousuallywins?”sheasksasshestopsnexttothepooltable “What?”Iblurt,completelyblindedbyher.
Anarmwrapsaroundmyneckandsqueezes,draggingmedown “IguessIhavemyanswer.”Shesmirks.
ElbowingChase,Ifeelhimgruntashetightenshisgrip He’ssurprisinglystrongforalittlemotherfucker Travsighsand headsourway.“Breakitup.Nomorebrokenbones,remember?”
“How many times has that happened?” She looks between us. “Should I be worried about you guys not being able to perform?”
“Oh,darlin’,wecanperformjustfine,”Chaseflirts.
“IthinkIjustthrew upinmymouth,”shecomments andcovers her lips “I’mgoingtoshower Ihavetheoverwhelming urgetoscrubmyskin.”
Ican’thelpbutlaugh,andChaseletsmego,glaringather “YouwouldbeluckyifItouchedyou Othersbegforataste” “Goodforthem.You’renotmytype.”Theshockonhisfaceiscomical,andTravandIleantogether,watchingtheshow.I don’tthinkawomanhaseverturnedChasedownbefore,nevermorethanonceeither.
“I’mnotyourtype?”heexclaims “Impossible”
Whenshejuststaresathim,hisjawdropsagain.“Notyourtype,”hewhispers,absolutelyshell-shocked.
“Well,thiswasdelightful,”shedrawls “I’llmeetyoudownstairsintimeforthemeeting”Shedownsherbeerandtosses itintothebinwithoutlooking.She,ofcourse,makestheshotassheleaves.
“I’mgoingtomarrythatgirl,”Itellthem. “Youaren’thertype,”Chasesnipes.
“Aww,littlebaby,didshehurtyourfeelings?”Imock.“Sheonlysaid you weren’thertype,nothingaboutus.” Iwatchhismouthdropagain,andIleavehimthere,shockedtohiscoreandreeling Ohyeah,BeckDanversfitswithus.
Ican’twaitforthetour
“Whereisshe?”Chaseasks.
“Why?Youarealwayslate”Ismirk,andheturnstothrowmeaperfectlypracticedglareandthenflipshishairas heturnsbackaround.
“WhenIdoit,it’sstyle,butwhenshedoesit,it’srude Singergirl ”
“ShouldIgetyouaPost-itwithmynamesinceyouhavememoryissuesinyouroldage?”shecallsasshecomesdown,not stoppinguntilshe’sbeforeChase.MostwouldwitherattheideaofgoingtoetotoewiththefamousChaseReedwhenhe’sina mood
“Careful,littlegirl,”hewarns,gettinginherface.
Shedoesn’tbackdown,andmytonguecatchesbetweenmyteethasItakethechancetolookherover She’schanged,and thescentofpeacheshitsme,hardeningmycock.Wearingsomelooserippedjeans,boots,andacroppedshirtthattiesaround herback,shelooksgoodenoughtofuckingeat
“Orwhat,oldman?”shechallenges.Whenhe’ssilent,shesmirks.“That’swhatIthought.Youkeepstandingtherelooking pretty,sincethetalentisnowhere.”Shemovespasthim,hittinghisshoulderwithhers,andIcovermylipstohidemysmileas heturnstoglareafterher,butIcatchhiseyesdroppingtoherass,soIblocktheview,pointingfrommyeyestohis
Imightlook,butIwon’ttouch.BeckDanversishotasfuck,butweneedher,whichmeansnocrossinglines.Wecanbe friends,andIcanthinkaboutthattight,littlebodywhileIfuckmyhand,butnothingmore Chase,ontheotherhand,wouldfuck herjusttoprovehecould.
Iwon’tlethimruinthisoneaswell
“Behave,”Iwarn.
“Whatever.”Hegoestosteppastme,soIgrabhisarm,tighteningmyholdonhisleatherjackettostophim. “Imeanit,Chase Wecan’taffordtofuckthisoneup It’sourlastchance,orhaveyouforgottenthat?” “Ihaven’t.”
“Orhowyouoweusforallthetimesyoufuckedupinthepast?”Isnap
“Yousaidyouforgaveme,”hemumbles.Iseeaflashofhurtinhiseyes,andalthoughweunderstandtheissueshefaced andwhyhedidwhathedid,ittakeseverythinginmenottothrowitbackinhisface.
“Wedo,butwewon’tifyouruinthisoneforus,Chase,andyoucan’taffordtoloseanymorefriends.Wearetheoneswho stuckbyyou,soifnotforthebandoryourdreams,thenhowaboutjustforthat?Pleasedon’truinourdreamsjustbecauseyou can”Ilethimgoandturntofollowherout
“I’msorry,Trav.”Hesighs.“Ireallyam.Iwon’t.Ifyousayshe’sin,she’sin.I’llbehaveasmuchasIcan.”
“That’sallwe’reasking,man”Iwrapmyarmaroundhisneckanddraghimoutwithme “Sheishotthough” Heelbowsme,makingusbothlaugh.
“So,Ms.Danvers,doeseverythinglookinordertoyou?”Michael,ourmanager,asks.He’sveryhands-onandagoodmanto have ina pinch Michael and Rachel keep us inline I lookaround, wonderingwhere Rachel is now because she’s not in attendance,whichisweird.She’susuallysopickyaboutourchoices.
Shrugging,IleanbackinmychairandwatchasBeckreadsoverthecontractagainbeforepickingupthepenandsigning. “Allgoodtome WhendoIstart?”
“I like her.” He grins. “Take a few days to get settled, then come to rehearsal with the guys on Monday. We can alter anythingweneedtofityourstyleandvoice,anditgivesustimetoperfectthesetbeforethetour,whichwillbehittingover eightycitiesworldwide” Beckgrins.“I’vealwayswantedtotravel.”
“Good”Michaelgrinsoveratus “Goodchoice Behavethisweekend Ifyoucelebrate,remember ” “Noscandals,”weallrepeat.
“Good,thatincludesyou,Beck SeeyouallMonday”
“Let’sgogetfuckedup!”Koltongrins,andwhenMichaelsighs,hethrowshisarmsopen.“Responsibly.” Filingoutofthe office, we getto the elevator before Irealize Beckisn’twithus. I’mjustglancingaround for her when Rachelappearsfromtheelevator Chaseholdsitforher Surprisingly,she’sabouttheonlywomanonstaffhe’snevertriedto fuck.Whoknowswhy.Maybebecauseshe’soff-limitssinceshe’stechnicallyourmanagertoo.
“Boys”Shegrinsbutitfades,andIturntoseeMichaelbendtowardBeckastheywalktowardus,laughingatsomething shesaid.
“Ah,Rachel,meetBeckDanvers,ourincrediblenewleadsinger,”Iintroduceher Beckmeetshereyesastheyjoinus.“Nicetomeetyou,Rachel,isit?”Sheholdsoutherhand.
RachelswallowsbeforeIseeherforceasmile,makingmybrowfurrow.SheshakesBeck’shand.“Andyou.Ididn’tknow theypickedsomeone”Sheglancesatus
“Spurofthemoment.”Koltongrins.“Weareofftocelebrate.”
Rachelsighs “Oh,I’mworkinglate”
“Oh,Imeanjusttheband.”Hecoughsawkwardly.“Butyoucancomeifyouwant.”
“No,goahead.Justremembertobehave.Beck,Iwillmeetyoumoreformallynextweek.Welcometotheband.” BeckstepsintotheelevatorwithusasRachelstepsouttojoinMichael.
“Behave,”hewarnsagainasthedoorstartstoclose,andthenshemeetsoureyesinthereflectionofthedoor. “Sowhattroublecanwegetupto?”
“I
’msogladReignisback,”Koltonsays,thenewsofhersurprisereturnspreading.
“Metoo”Travsighs “Ihopeshe’sokay”
The bar we are inis quietandexclusive.Onlythe richandfamous playhere,sonostories canleak.The beer I’m drinking is worth more than the entirety of my bank account, but they fit right in, something I wasn’t expecting I need to remembertheyarerockstars.
“Whatare we talkingabout?” Chase asks as he throws himselfdownonthe sofa opposite me. His darkeyes watchme carefully “Howwecangetinjusttherightamountoftrouble,Ihope”
“ReignHarrowisback.”Koltonshowshimhisphone,andChase’seyebrowrises.
“Goodforher”Chasenods,surprisinglyseriousforoncebeforehesitsup,rubbinghishandstogether “Now,aboutthat trouble...”
“Hey,guys,”adarkvoicesays,andweallswingaroundtoseeabeefyAdonisguyinasuitstandingnexttoourbooth “Hey,Andrew.Sawthenewmovie.Itlooksgreat,”Travtellshim.
“Thanks,man,andwhoisthis?”Theman,Andrew,turnsabrightsmileonme,hisperfectwhiteteethalmostblindingme. He’sprettyasfuckanddefinitelyanactor,butIjustsmile
“Oh,thisisBeck,ournewleadsinger.Beck,thisisAndrewJackson,Hollywood’sbiggeststar.” Andrewscoffsbutplaysitup,andInod Hedeflates,watchingme “Soyou’reasinger,huh?”heasks “Yup.”Ipourmyselfanotherdrinkasheslidesintotheboothnexttome.
“I’manactor Youmighthaveheardofsomeofmymovies”Heflexeshisarm “Probablynot.I’mmoreofanoldiesfan,”Iadmit,andthehorroronhisfacemakesmehidemysmilebehindmyglass. “Right,uh,sohaveyoubeeninmanybands?”heinquires,stillflirtinghisassoff.
“Notreally,”Ianswertruthfullyandturnbacktotheguys “Sotalkmethroughthesetlist” Travindulgesme,andAndreweventuallygetsthepointandgrumblesagoodbye,headingtoanothertablefilledwithwhat lookstobemodels Hemightbetryingtogetlaidtonight,butitwon’tbewithme Ican’tbedistractedbyaprettyfaceorrockhardmuscles.Ihavemoreimportantthingstodo.
WhenAndrewleaves,Chaseleansforward.“Sowhatisyourtypethen,Beck,ifitisn’tgrunge,bad-boymeorprettyboy Andrew.”
“Iguessyou’llneverfindout.”
Heleansback,andIwatchashemovesintoKolton’sside “Girls,Iknewit”
Rollingmyeyes,Ikickthetableathim.“Ilovemen,especiallyoneswithprettyfacesIcanride.Justnotyours.”
Hechokesonhissipofbeerastheothersburstintolaughterwithme
“You’dbesolucky,”hemutters.
“No,darlin’,”Imock.“Youwouldbe.”
“Ohyeah,shefitsrightin.”Koltonnods,grinningwide.“SoyoutoldAndrewnotmanybands.Isthattrue?”
Careful, Beck,Iremindmyself.
“Afewhereandthere,butneverfoundanythingthatstuck,youknow?Eithertheywereposersjustwantingcashorpussyor wejustdidn’tgetalong.IsawyouropenauditionsasIwaspassingthrough.”
“Towhere?”Travaskscuriously
“Anywhereandeverywhere.Iwantedafreshstart,andItoldmyselfI’dknow theplacewhenIfoundit.Iguessfatehad otherplans.”I’mnotexactlylying,andthat’sthebestwaytogetawaywithlies keepthemasclosetothetruthaspossibleso youdon’ttripyourselfupinthelongrun
“Well,weareluckyyoudid,”Koltonadmits.
Downingmoreofmydrink,ImeetTrav’scuriouseyes,onesthatseetoomuch,andquicklylookaway.Ididn’texpectthem tobesonice well,exceptforChase andit’sthrowingmeoffabit CanIreallydothis?
IguessI’mintoodeeptobackoutnow
There’sashadow inBeck’seyes,oneIseeinmineeverydaythatIburybehindthemusicandthelifestyle.Itmakesme wonderwhoorwhatputthatthere
WhatisBeckDanvers’story?
Ishouldn’tcare since she’s a good singer, one we need to make itto the top, butfor a moment, Ifind myselfsoftening towardher.
She’sarisktoourband,butweareallaboutrisks.
ThereisareasonwechoseDeadRingersforourname
LikesheknowsIseetoomuch,shesmirksatme,downingherdrink,andstands.“I’mgoingtodance.”Unconcernedthat she’scompletelyaloneinunfamiliarsurroundings,sheheadsrightintothemiddleofthedancefloorandstartstomovetothe beat.Everyeyeturnstoher howcouldtheynot?
Sittingback,Idrapeonelegacrosstheother,myarmthrownoverthebackofthesofa,andwatchtheshow “Areyouokay?”Travaskssoftly.“Needtogetsomeair?”
It’s our code for getting me away from temptation, giving me time to work through my addiction. After all, addiction doesn’tjustgoawayovernight It’saconstantbattletosayno Somedaysareeasierthanothers,andwe’vemadeitapointto stayasfarawayfromtemptationaspossible,butthislifegoeshandinhandwiththedarknessthatdrovemetotheneedleinthe firstplace
Forthefirsttimeinalongtime,though,I’mnotthinkingaboutwhatIcouldnumbmyselfwithorwhereadealercouldbe no,myfocusiscompletelyonher
BeckDanversisagoddamnmystery,andIusedtolovemysteries,butnotanymore.
She’sdangeroustoeverythingwe’veworkedsohardfor,butIcan’tseemtostopmyselffromwatchingtheshowsheputs on She’scompletelyoblivioustoeverysinglepersonwatchingherwithneedandenvy It’slikesheexistsinherownworld, freeofjudgmentandrules.Ienvythat.Iwantthat.
IwantthefreedomandecstasyIseeonherface,somethingIusedtofindinthehighofmyaddiction,butheresheis,mostly soberanddancinglikenoonecares.
Howdoesshedoit?
“Nah,I’mgood,man,”Iadmit,sippingmybeer.
“You sure?” Trav worries, watching me with concern before he glances to the side. I follow his gaze to see someone snortingcokeoffawoman’schestinthedimcorner Usually,thatwouldsendmefleeing,butnottonight Tonight,Iwanttostay, soIhardenmyresolve,rippingmyeyesfromthesightandbacktoBeck.Iallowhertodistractmefromtheclawingacheatmy insidesdemandingIjointhem
TravandKoltonhaveseenmefalloffthewagonmoretimesthanIcancount,butthistimeI’mdeterminedtostayclean.I won’twreckmylifeortheirsanyfurther.It’sbeensixmonths,andsofar,sogood.Iseethemshareaworriedlook,oneIwas alwaystoofuckeduptonotice,butIignoreit.
“Whatdoyouthinkherstoryis?”Iaskoverthemusic.
“Whoknows,butshe’sexactlywhatweneed,”Koltonreplies “Butcansheperform?”Iretort.“Hassheeverbeenonastage?Wedidn’tcheckthatshit.” “Wedidn’thavetimesinceyoukeptchasingoffthegoodtalent,”Travgrumbles “ButIlikeher Ihaveagoodfeelingabout her.”
Somethinginhistonemakesmelookathim.He’swatchingher,andIseehiseyessoftenandflamewithdesire.Shit.Trav neverfucksaround,notafter Well,hedoesn’t Whenhefeels,hefeelshard SomethingachesinmychestasIwatchhim
watchher,becausewhywouldn’tshefallforTrav?He’sthewholepackage He’sagoodman,hehashislifetogether,andhe’s practicallyafuckingsaintforputtingupwithmeforsolong.Iwanthimtobehappy.Hedeservesit.
Itellmyselfit’sbecauseoftheband Iftheybrokeup,itwouldruinus,andwecan’taffordthat It’stheonlyreasonIdowhatIdonext toprotectthem.“Weshouldmakeapact.Notouchingthisone.”
“What?”Travspinsonme,hismouthagape
“Wecan’taffordtoloseBeckifsheisasgoodassheseems.It’sourlastchance,andthereisn’troomformistakes.Soa pact,wedon’ttouchher”
“Thatwouldbeayouproblem,”Koltonscoffs,butIseehimshootherasad,longinglook.“Butfine,apact.Wedon’tfuck Beck.Trav.”
Webothlookathim,andhiseyesgobacktoherbeforedropping “Fortheband,”hemurmurs
“It’sdonethen.Beckisoff-limits.Now,let’s finishour drinks.Tomorrow,we’ll workongettingher stageready.”Igrin withglee,knowingjusthowmuchshewillhateit
“Idon’tlikethisnew sideofhim,”KoltonwhisperstoTrav,eventhoughIoverhear.“Hewasmorefunwhenhewasan addict”
Iflinch,knowinghedidn’tmeantohurtme,butitcutsintomychest,rippingopentheinsecuritiesI’vefoughtsinceIwasa child.
I’mtooold,toooutdated,andnolongertalented I’maboringworkaholic.
Closingmyeyes,Ifightthroughthem,tryingnottofallbackintooldhabits Anoisestartlesmefrommymeditation,andall threeofusleaptoourfeetwhenwerealizeit’sBeck.
Thereisaguygrindingonherandpullingherback,eventhoughshetriestopullaway.“Shecanhandleitherself,”Itell them.Wearen’therboyfriends,andwearen’tevenherfriends.Wearejustbandmatesandbarelyevenworkcolleagues.
“We should help.” Trav and Koltonstart to head her waywhenBeckturns inthe creep’s arms and, witha feral smile, smashesherheadintohis Hestumblesbackwithayelpasachuckleburstsoutofme
“Toldyou,”Icomment,evenasIwatchhermouthmove.Ican’thearwhatshe’ssaying,butit’sclearshe’sreamingtheguy out Hepales,lookingashamed,beforefleeing,stillholdinghishead
Ican’thelpbutgrinwidelywhensheflipshimoffwithbothhandsasheruns.Tossingherhairback,sheturnstofindusall watchingandrollshereyes,stormingover.
Shesmirksatus.“Don’tworry,I’mstrongerthanIlook.”Shetipsherbeerback,drainingitallbeforewipinghermouth. “Timetogo?”
Ismirk “Timetogo,prettygirl”
“Don’tcallmethat,”shewarns,“oryou’llenduplikehim.”
“Promises,”Itease,unabletohelpit
Theriseitgetsoutofherisbetterthananydrug.
Travelbowsmeonourwaypast.“Pact,”hehissesinmyear.
“Ididn’tforget,”Igrumble “Comeonthen,rockstar,tomorrow isthestartofyourtraining,andtrustme,you’ll needall thesleepyoucanget.”
Likealways,whenmydoorisshutandtheworldisquiet,theskyshiningbrightlywiththemoon,mydemonscome,chasingme from the sheets until I find myself in the kitchen No one told me fighting my addiction would lead to me becoming an insomniac.Usually,Igrabapenandpadandheadoutside,spillingeverythingIhideontothepaperintolyricsnoonewillever hear,butafterImakeherbaltea,Ifindmyselfatthebackwindow,myeyeswidening Beckis alreadyoutthere, wearingnothingbuta long, oversized Dead Ringers T-shirtwithher hair ina messybun, her bare,palelegsglisteninginthemoonlight.Shelookssoaloneandlost,theshadowsalmostconcealingherfromme.
Shestandsinthedarkness,inthesilenceofthemiddleofthenight,aloneandhollow. Iknowbecausethat’showIfeel.
Mybodyandskinarenolongermyown,sincesomanyloversandneedlesmadeittheirhome
Holdingmymug,IwatchasBeckwandersaimlesslyaroundthegarden,anold-schoolCasioonherears.Sheseemssad, hershouldershunchedandeyesdowncast Abettermanwouldgooutthereandseeifsheisokay,butit’snotmyissue Ineed tomindmybusinessandnotgettooinvolved. That’showweendeduplikethisinthefirstplace.
Grippingmymug,Ileavehertoherdemonsandpreparetofightmyownuntilthesunrises Foramoment,Iwanttostandwithherandhelpherfightherbattlessoshewon’tgetlostlikeIdid,butmyfistsandsoul arealreadyscarredfromfightingsomany,andI’msotiredofit
Idon’tevenhavethestrengthtofightmyownbattle,nevermindhers,soIturnaway. Ileavehertherealone,seekingsolaceinthenight,andIslipbetweenmysheets,mysoulcryingouttobesaved. I’vealwaysbeendamned ItseemsBeckDanversisaswell.
Grittingmyteeth, Ikeep myeyes straightahead as I’mcircled bythe sharks. Inthis case, the Dead Ringers’wardrobe department Therearethreewomenandamanstandingaroundme,pickingmeapartlikeIhavenoears,andIhaveno choicebuttoendureit.Everythingisonatightdeadlinebecauseoftheupcomingtour,soIhadtogetupattheasscrack ofdawnforappointments Firsthair,thenmakeuptrials,thenearpiecefittingsandequipment,andnowthis
I’mexhaustedandcranky,andthesefuckersdidn’tevenbothertointroducethemselves.Theyjusthustledmeintothesitting roomand made me stand onthe chair while takingmymeasurements and makingnotes oniPads. I’mcomingto hate those fuckingthings Iknowtheyareonlyjustdoingtheirjob,butfuck,where’sthecompassion?
Ifeellikeanobject,notaperson. Is that how she felt?
“SoI’mthinkingwedosomethinggothicbuthigh-end.”
Theytalkbetweenthemselves
“Nomorebandshirts.I’mthinkingskin-tightdresses ” I’mlosingeverypartofme.
IremindmyselfthisiswhatIsignedupfor Ihavenosay.Tothem,I’mamannequin,anobjecttodress.
“Keepherstyle”MyeyesjerkuptoseeChaseleaningintothedoorway,onelegcrossedattheankle Howlonghashebeenwatching?
Mymouthgoes dryatthe sightofhim, and he looks atthe gathered sharks “Her style is raw, grungy, and real Keep it Enhanceitifyouwant,butdon’tchangeittoomuch.Itwouldn’tbeBeck.”Hepushesfromthedoorandwandersaway. Iwatchhimgo,mymouthslightlyopen.
Hestoodupforme HelikesthewayIdress
“Well,fine,whatdowedonow?”oneofthemmutters,butI’mstillstaringattheemptydoorwaywhereChasejuststood. Whydidheprotectme?Chasehatesme,andit’sclearhedoesn’twantmehere,butheknowstheyneedme Isthatthereason?
Maybehe’stryingtobenicetogetmeonhisside,butsomethingtellsmeChaseisnotnicetoanyone.Unsurewhattomake ofit,Irefocusontheteamtryingtonaildownmystylefortheupcomingtour.
“Howdaringdoyouwanttogo?”oneasks,waitingwithheriPadattheready. Myeyesgotothedooroncemore,myheartskippingabeat.
That’sthequestion,isn’tit?
“Ms.Danvers?”shepromptsimpatiently.
“Alltheway”
Escapingthe prying eyes and commands for a moment, I hustle to grab a coffee, needingthe kick more than ever Peering aroundthecorridortoseeiftheyarelookingforme,Ialmostjumpoutofmyskinwhenawhispersoundsinmyear.
“Whoarewehidingfrom?”
Clutchingmymugandheart,IturntofindagrinningKoltonclosebehindme.“Wardrobe,”Iadmit.
“Ah.”Henods,jumpingbackwardsandhoistinghimselfontothecounter,swinginghislegsashegrins.“Yougetusedtoit, trustme”
“Isitalwaysso...?”
“Invasive?”heofferswithanarchedbrowandeasygoinggrin.
Sighing,Ileanintothecounternexttohim “Yes”
“Always.”Henods.“Iremember thefirsttime,Ihadtostripdowntomyboxersandlettheminspectme.”Heshudders. “Therewasanolderguythen,andhewasroughandusedtotouchusinappropriately Theyaregoodatwhattheydo,andyou don’twantanywardrobemalfunctionswhileyou’redivingaroundthestage,trustme.”
“Didthathappentoyou?”I’munabletostopsmiling
“Once,”headmitswithanadorableblush.“Mypantssplit,andIhadtoplaytherestofour setwithmyasshangingout. Therearestillmemesontheinternet.Iwillneverliveitdown.”
“Whoa,poorbaby”Igrin,grabbingmyphone “I’mlookingtheseup”
Hegrabsformyphone,butIdartoutofhisway,laughingwhenIfindthem.Isetoneasmylockscreenandshowhim.“It’s aniceass”
Groaning,hecovershisface.“You’resupposedtobeonmyside.” “Sayswho?”Icountertruthfully
Hishanddropsasheeyesme,thesilencestretchingonashesearchesmygaze. Doesheseethetruth?
Foramoment,I’msurehedoes
“Ms.Danvers,”Ihearsomeoneyell,anditbreaksthetension.
Groaning, I down the coffee and search for somewhere to hide before looking at Kolton with pleading eyes “I seek sanctuary.”
“Nope,nocando,sweetheart.Youareonyourown.”Withawink,hehurriesout. “Ah,Kolton,haveyouseenMs.Danvers?”Thewomanismuchmorecordialandalmostnicetohim.Figures. Hechuckles.“Inthekitchen.”
“Traitor,”IcallasIhearhimlaughandretreatjustasawomanroundsthecorner “Ms.Danvers,wearereadyforournextoutfit.Thisway.”Shegesturesformetofollowher,andwithnochoice,Idoas I’mtold
Oncebackinthesittingroomtheyturnedintoadressingroom,Iletthemhurrymebacktothemiddleofthespaceandinto the nextoutfit. This time it’s to getmanagement’s approval ofthe outfits, butIdon’tevengetanyprivacy. Theytell me they needtoknowmybodytodressit,butitfeelssoinvasive,myskincrawls. “Thisscar,wewillneedtocoverit,”themancomments.
“No,”Isnap,puttingmyfootdown,knowingwhichonetheyaretalkingabout It’sonmyside,andit’sallIhaveleftofher “But ”Hestartstoprotest,andImeethiseyes.
“Iwillwearwhatyousay,dowhatyousay,butwedonotcoverthatscar,understood?”Iwarn He recoils slightly but nods, and I turn back, stroking it for a moment before I drop it and let them see so they will understand,butofcourse,theydon’t.
Theyaresoblind
Itwillruinusall.
Sittingonthe sofa, squeezed betweenChase and Kolton, I roll myeyes as theyjostle, tryingto take up the most room. Rachel istypingawayonher tabletwhilewewaitfor themtofinishdressingBeck Ithastobeapprovedbyeveryone, includingus,andI’mexcitedtoseewhattheychoseforhertouroutfits.
MyfoottapsimpatientlyasIhearhergrumble,anditmakesmesmile WhenBeckcomesout,myjawdrops.
Shewasbeautifulbefore,butnowshelookslikearockstar.
Ihearthemtalkingastheyexplainthefirstoutfitandwhenshe’llwearit,butIignorethemandstareintohernervouseyes Theyare lined and completelyshaded withblackeyeshadow, makingthempop, and her lips are a softpink. Her hair is in messybeachwaves, hangingdownto her hips, and around her neckis a spiked collar withDRproudlyemblazoned onthe front.Myeyesdiptoherbody,andmydickhardensasIgape.
ShehasonadeepV-cutbra,herbreastsalmostspillingout Somuchofherpaleskinisexposed Overthetopofthebra andmatchingblackpantiesisafishnetbodysuit,withlongsleevesandlegsgoingrightintoplatformboots.
Shelookslikearockstar’swetdream.Howthehellarewesupposedtoperformwithherlookinglikethat?Icanbarely speak,nevermindsing,andmyhandsachetotouchher,notmydrums
“Jesus,”Koltonwhispers.
Iwanttoreply,butIcan’tspeakaroundthelumpinmythroatasshesmilesatmelikesheknowsmythoughts “Iloveit,”Chasestatesroughly,breakingthesilence.
Rachelsighsindispleasureandalleyesturntoher “Idon’tknow Idon’tthinkitworks”Shefrowns,eyeingBeck “She lookscheap.”
IexpectBecktoshrinkunderhergaze,butifanything,shestandstaller.“Well,I’mwearinganoutfitworthmorethanyours, so ”Sheshrugs
Rachel’s eyes narrow as I cover mychuckle witha cough. She’s always beenso judgmental, and althoughI know it’s becauseshecares,thatwasn’tcool “Amusing,fine,thisonecanstay Oh,youneedtocoverthatscar Werepresentthefantasy ofperfection.”
“No,”Beckargues.“Thescarstays.It’smybodyandmychoice.Wearen’tjustafantasy,wearepeople,andthat’swhat theywant.Theydon’twanttolookatusandjustthinkwe’reperfect,untouchablebeings.Theywantsomeonetheycanrelate to.Theywanttoknowwearepeopletoo,andthatourmusicisreal.Thisisn’tjustashowweputonformoney,butbecause wecan’tdoanythingelse,andwearerighttherewiththemthroughthegoodandbad That’srockandroll Ithoughtyouwould haveknownthat.”
IglanceatRachel,whonarrowshereyes “Coverit,”shecommands
“No,”Isay,frowningather.“She’sright,keepit.Itmakesherreal.Withoutit,she’stooperfect.Shelookslikeamodel.” Beckgrinsatme,andIignoreRachel’sglare.“Nextoutfit?”Beckasks,andweallgroan.Chuckling,sheducksbehindthe curtain.
“Howthefuckdowesurvivealltheoutfitchanges?”
“Pact,”Koltongrumbles Iturntolookathimandfindhehasapillowoverhisjunk.“Mayberemindyourself.”Ismirk.“Huh,Chase?”Ielbowhim andturntoseehimgrabbingapillowtoo “JesusfuckingChrist”Igroan,droppingmyheadback “Well?”Hervoicemakesmeliftmyhead,andIbitemytonguesohardItasteblood.
Shetwirls,andthetinysilkslipflaresout,showingthelacyshortsunderneath.Thedeepred-and-blacklacesliphugsher figure,barelycoveringherass AllIcandoisnod,andtheyswiftlypushherbackinsidetotryonthenextoutfit
Thisoneisalong,baggybandT-shirttheymadeintoadress,thesidescompletelygone.
The outfits getbetter andbetter until all three ofus are sweatingandholdingpillows infrontofour jeans.Idon’tknow howwe’llsurvivethetour,butwhenshestepsoutagain,Iloseallhope
“Thisisforthenewrebranding,thealbumwork,andtheposters,”theybegin.
Across her pierced nipples are X’s made from black tape, and she has on a thong and nothing else She turns, and I swallowmyfuckingtongue.Downherspineisanarrow,whichpointsatourlogosituatedjustaboveherass.Standing,Ithrow thecushionandflee,unabletostayanylonger
IcanbarelyseewhereI’mgoing.Ihitthefirstroomandlockthedoor,realizingit’sthedownstairsbathroom.Shovingmy jeansdown,Igripmycock.
Mygripis tightas Iremember her twirlinginthe skirt,the hintofher nipples,andthe curve ofher ass Iworkmydick hard.Myballsarealreadytightjustfromthememory,andmyloudpantsfilltheroomasIspitinmyhandandstrokemycock harder
WouldshelookatmewithflashingeyesandacockysmirkwhileIsankintohertightpussy?Wouldshescream? Fuck!
Groaninghername,Ispraymyhandandthesink,theorgasmstormingthroughme.
Fuck.Breathingheavily,Iwashupandshovemydickbackinmyjeans.Whenmyheartstopsracing,Iopenthedoorand stepout,onlytofreezewhenIseeChasestormingfromtheroomwithRachelonhisheels
Shegrabshisarmbeforehehitsthestairs,andhefrownsather.“What’sup?”
“Areyousureabouther?”Rachelasks,movingclosertoChase “Icangetridofherifyouwant Shedoesn’tseemlikethe rightfit.”
Chasefrownsdownatherhandbeforesteppingback.“Thebandvoted,soBeckisin.Doassheasks.”Hehurriesupstairs withheatinhiseyes,andIknowexactlywhathe’sgoingtodo.
I watch her as her jaw ticks and she spins away with a huff. For a moment, I notice the venomon her face before it transformstoabrightsmilewhensheseesme “Everythingokay?”sheasks “Sure,iseverythingokaywithyou?”Iask,leaningintothewall.
Sighing,sheclutchesheriPad “Yep”It’stoobright,toofake “Youdon’tlikeBeck,huh?”Iquestion,needingtoknow whatherissueis.She’sneverbeenlikethisinthepast,andshe caresaboutthebandmorethananything,soitmustbeBeck.
Ineedtofigureoutwhybecausewecan’thaveanythinggettinginthewayofthetour.
“I’mjustworried,”sheadmits.“Wecan’taffordanother mistake.Itwill costusour jobs.Idon’twanttoseeyouall get hurt,andyouknowyou’relikefamilytome Plus,she’sso combative”
I softentoward her, knowingshe means it. She’s always had our best interests at heart and tries to protect us. She has alwaysstoodwithus,soifshe’sworriedaboutBeck,it’sonlybecauseshecares
“Giveherachance.”Isqueezehershoulder.“Trustus,weneedthis,andsodoesshe.Ipromiseifshehurtsthebandinany way,I’llberighttherewithyou,butwehavetogiveherthebenefitofthedoubt.”
“Ofcourse,”shereplies “You’reright I’msorry With ” “Iknow.”Igetit.Aftereverythingthathappenedlasttime... Well,it’sunderstandable “Comeon,cheerup,wehaveasold-outtourcomingup.”Igrin,makinghergiggle.“It’stimetomakehistory.” Hookingmyarmacross her shoulders, Isteer her backinto the dressingroomwhere a pained-lookingKoltonis sitting, clutchinghispillowlikealifelineasBeckposesandhecheckstheoutfit. Heturnstomewithpleadingeyes.“Help,”hewhispers. Sittingheavily,Ileanintohim “I’llsufferwithyou” “Idon’tthinkI’lleverbeabletowalkagain,”hegrumbles,oureyeslockedonherperfectass. “Walkingisoverrated,”Iwhisper “Definitely,”heagrees.
I’mexhausted.Afterspendingallafternooninfittings,Ihadanothermeetingwithmanagementbeforetheyfinallyletmego whenitwasdark Icrawledtomyroomandcollapsed,needingsilencetoregroupafterbeingonforthemallday
Tomorrow,weshootpromovideosandpictures,soIneedtoberested,butaftershoweringandchanging,Ifindmyself staringattheceiling Mymindwhirrs,evenasmybodybegsforittoshutoff
Closingmyeyes, Itryto countbackwards. Whenthatdoesn’twork, Iopenthemand close themagain, tryingto humto myself,butlyricsdon’tcome.Instead,memoriesdo,andIgiveup.Ireachundermypillow andgrabmyheadphones,putting themoncarefully,thenIrewindthetapeIwaslisteningtolastnightandhitplay Settlingback,Iclosemyeyesandfocusonthesoundandnothingelse. Ittakesmefarawayfromreality
“Hey,”thevoicestarts,assoftandfamiliarasmyownheartbeat.“You’llneverguesswhathappenedtoday ” Ifallasleepwithhervoiceinmyearlikealullaby,missingherlikeI’mmissingtheotherhalfofme
SittingbetweenKoltonand Chase, Ihunchinonmyself Koltonshifts to give me more room, butChase justmoves closer, openinghislegswidertotouchme.Rollingmyeyes,ImeetTrav’samusedgazeacrossfromme.Ihaveonalooseshirtand shorts,myfacemakeupfreeandmyhairundone,readyforthemtoattackmelikeyesterday.
Theboysareinsweatsaswell.Kolton’shoodisup,hiseyesclosedsinceit’ssoearly.Theyareusedtothis,butme,not somuch.
“Here”Travhandsoveratravelmug “You’llneedit,trustme” Takingasipoftheoverlysweetcoffee,Ismileinthanks.“SowhatshouldIexpecttoday?”
“Therewillbenopaparazzisinceweareshootingoutsideofthecitywithoutwarning We’llbethereforhours,andthey willbarkordersatyou.”Travsighs.“Basically,theywilltellyouwhattodo,sodon’tworry.Bytheend,you’llwanttodie, butit’sworthit.”
“Andifyougetbored,wecanalwaysshootsomeraunchycontent”Chasesmirks I elbow him, making him grunt, and then open my thighs, taking up my space again and making him squeeze into the doorway “Man-spreadsomewhereelse,asshole”
“Jesus,didanyonetell youthatyouhaveanger issues?Mytherapistwouldsayyoushouldtalkyour feelingsout,”Chase grumbles
“Youhaveatherapist?”Iaskinshock.
Hisjaw ticks,andheglancesoutofthewindow.“Addictionrequireshealingandtalking,soyes,Ihaveatherapist.”He turnshisdarkgazeonme,makingmewanttoshrink “Problem,prettygirl?”It’saninsultthistime He’sreadytofight
“Notatall,that’sveryhealthyofyouandnotwhatIexpectedatall,”IadmitandthenglancebackatTrav.“Sotodayisjust apromoshoot Whatdoesthatmean?”
Chasegroans.“Fuck,arewegoingtohavetoteachyoueverything?”
“Shut up, old man,” Kolton grumbles “Remember when you went to a shoot and thought it was live? We all started somewhere.”
“We don’thave time to teachher everythingthough,” Chase snaps, breakingwhatever truce existed betweenus. He was nicetomealldayyesterday,andIdidn’tknowhowtohandleit
I’mbetterwithhisvenom.Itmakesiteasier.
“Well,maketime,”Isay.“Youneedme,remember?Youchoseme,andI’mdoingthebestIcanhere.”
“We know,” Trav interrupts, glaringat Chase who huffs and looks away “Before the tour, we do promo shoots to help advertise,andsinceweneedanew albumcover,we’ll dothatandmerchandisephotosaswell.Everythingisridingonthis tour,sotheyaren’tsparinganyexpense Therewillbebillboards,posters,advertisements ” “Sodon’tfuckitup,”Chaseinterrupts.
Canhestillsingwithoutballs?
“Somakesuretosmile,”Travsaysoverhim,“butwe’llberighttherewithyou.Itwillbeokay,andthentomorrow,we’ll practice.Wenegotiatedforastageweusedwhenwefirststarted.It’ssoundproofandprivate,anditwillgiveyouagoodidea ofwhattoexpectsowecanfitinyourperformanceandworkonit Weonlyhaveafew monthsuntil weleave,andthefirst timecanbeterrifying,sowe’llworkthroughanykinks.Don’tworryatall.”
Nodding, Isip the coffee evenas butterflies take flightinside me Whydidn’tIthinkso far ahead? I’ll have to perform UnlessI’mdonebeforethen,I’llhavetosinginfrontofthousandsofpeoplewhoarejudgingmeandwonderingwhoIam.
Fuck
Chaseisright.I’mgoingtofuckup.
Koltonsqueezesmyhandlikehesensesmythoughts.“You’lldogreat,Becks,”hemurmurs.“Justdowhatyoudidinfront ofus Wecanfixtheshowmanside,butnotthetalentside,andyouhavenaturaltalent Everythingwillbeokay You’llsee”
TEN
Iwas poked and prodded for hours once we reached the studio. I’ve already been told they can edit anything in postproduction, including the background since they scouted areas, but today is about the base, about us, selling sex and perfection.
Rockandroll,baby
WhenI’mplacedinfrontofthecamera,Iseizeup.Idon’tmindphotos,butwithallthelightsandpeoplewatching,Ican barelybreathe,positivetheycanseerightthroughmetothetruth.Myheartraces,andIknowthesmileonmylipsismoreofa grimace,especiallywhenthephotographerleansaroundhiscameraandfrownsatme “What’swrong,Beck?”
“Oh,um,nothing,”Irespond,myvoicetight “Sorry,I’mready” I swallow mynerves and trymybest to smile, but after a few clicks, he sighs. “Okay, this isn’t working. Do youhate photosorsomething?”
“Uh...”
“Youneed to relaxand make itlooknatural. No one will buyanalbumwhere youlookterrified. Youneed to ownthe camera Youlookconstipated ” “Enough,” Trav barks, and a hand suddenly hits my shoulder and spins me until I face my new bandmates. Trav looks worried,Koltonlooksannoyed,andChaselooksconfused Great,morepryingeyes.
Travkneels,blockinganyonefromlistening “Relax,that’sit,justbreatheforme”Isuckinabreathlikeheinstructsashe takes one withme. “And letitout. Good, again.” Ibreathe slowly, calmingmyracingheart. The heatofhis hands inmine centersme.Istillfeeleyesonmyback,butKoltonandChasemovetoblockanyonefromseeingme. Theyareprotectingme,butIdon’tknowwhy
Maybe theyare justworried I’ll stormoutand theywill be up shitcreekagain, butnotTrav because Isee worryinhis gaze He’sunabletohideit “That’sit,keepbreathingandignorethem Thereisnooneelsehere Justus” InodandbreatheslowlyuntilIslump.“I’msorry.”
“Don’tbe,it’salot,andhe’sbeinganass,”Chasescoffsbehindme.Ipeeruptoseehisbacktomeasheglaresatanyone whodarestoapproach.Aquicksmilegracesmylips,andIhearaclickofthecamera,whichstartlesme.
“Stopit,”Koltonbarksloudly.
“Hey,Beck,lookatme,okay?Onlyatme”IfocusbackonTrav’skindeyes “Ignorethem Theyaren’there Picturethe camera as someone you love, someone you are trying to seduce, or even someone you hate, whatever works for you, but remember, theyare here for you, notthe other wayaround This is your time, nottheirs Fuckwhattheythink, and fuckthe overthinkinghappeninginyourhead.Youdon’tneedtobeperfect,youjustneedtobeyou,andifyoucan’tdoittoday,thenwe canleaveandtryagainlater.”
“Really?”Iwhisper,knowingthatwouldgetthemintroubleandcostmillions. “Really,”hepromises.
Ilookintohiskindfaceandshakemyhead “No,I’mokay Iwanttotry It’sjust alot”
“Ihaveanidea.”Standing,hesqueezesmyhand.“Waithere.”
Unable to do anythingelse, Idrop myhead back, and ithits the backs behind me Ijump, readyto move “You’re fine,” Chase says, surprising me, so I relax back, just breathing as I lean on them. I hear Trav whooping, but I can’t see what’s happening.
“Okay,turnaround,Beck”Ido,andwhenItapKoltonandChase,theymoveaside
bustlingpeople,allstaringorontheirphones,isgone Allthat’sleftaretheguys,me,andthephotographer,whosmilesatme “Shallwetryagain?”heaskskindly.
WhateverTravsaidtohimclearlygotthrough,soIrelaxasIlookaround,realizingthereisnoonetolaughorjudge When theymovebehindmeagain,Inodconfidently.
“Let’stryagain”
Travhurriesbackaswegetintoposition,andthistimeIfeelcalmer.
“Focusonthelens,”Travmurmursbehindme “Lookthroughitandpretend” SomeoneIlove.SomeoneIwant.SomeoneIhate. That’snothard.
Ifocusonthelens,notthephotographer,andletmyexpressiontransform
“Great!Good!Sogood,Beck,keepthat!”The cameraclicksashemovesaround.“Okay,anotherpose.”
Andsoitgoes Witheachpicture,Irelaxmore,untilagenuinesmilecoversmylips Ihavetolookstern,sexy,andaloof Wetryitall.Theguysworkthecamera,owningit,andwhenIglanceatthem,mymouthgoesdry.
Trav’sheadistiltedbackwithasmileflirtingonhislips,lookingeveryinchtheniceguybutstillunattainable Chasewearsasmugsmirkashelooksupatthecamera.
Koltonhasonehandonhislip,pullingitdownslightly.
Jesus fuckingChrist, theylooklike sexincarnate, butwhenTrav grins atme whenhe catches me staring, Irealize they mightactlikeit,buttheyarestillhuman.Behindthecarefullyposedphotosisthetruth Trav’skindness,Kolton’sinsecurity, andChase’saddiction
Theyarepeople,andthatrelaxesmeevenfurther,knowingIamaswell.
Wehaveourflaws,buthere,wecanbetheperfectionpeoplecravebutisn’treal.
HandshitmyshouldersasItiltmyheadandsmirkliketheyinstruct Wedosomanydifferentposes,mybodyaches Ievenstarttoenjoyitalittle,laughingwhentheypickmeupandlaymeacrosstheirarmsorwhentheyliedownandIput myheeledfootagainstthem notthatIwouldtellthemthat.Glancingdownmylegtomyheel,ImeetKolton’seyes.Theyare hotwithdesire Heblinksandit’sgone,butforamoment,Isawit,andwhenheturnshishead,hishandslidingupmyankleto gripmythigh,andplaceshislipsonmyfoot,Iknowit’sformeandnotthecamera.
ThisseemstocalloffallbetsbecauseChasesitsupandrestshisheadagainstmyside,hishandslidinguptogripmyneck Trav slides closer, sittingatmyfeetand archinghis backto lookatme like a puppy, butthere’s a wicked grinonhis lips I didn’texpect,andwhenhegrabsmyhandandslidesitdownhisshouldertohischest,Iswallowhard Theyaretakingadvantage,butIcan’tseemtocare.
“Relax,prettygirl.”Chasesmirksupatme,hiswhisperlow.“It’sjustforthephotos.”
Right,thephotos Ihadalmostforgotten Unwillingto lookmeekbefore them, IplaybackeventhoughIshouldn’t. Ishould draw a line, butIcan’tseemto back downwhenitcomestothem
TakingChase’s hand,Islideitunder thedress soit’s hiddenfor thecamera.Whattheydon’tseeis thatit’s onmythigh, rightatthetopnearmypussy.Hiseyeswidenforamomentbeforetheysmolder,andhisgriptightensasheholdsme.Lifting myfoot, Ipress itto Kolton’s head like I’mpushinghimaway, flashingleg, thenIslide myhand up and grip Trav’s throat, tiltinghisheadback.
Ismileforthecamera,lookingcompletelyincontrol
Wegetafewmoreposeslikethat,withthemtouchingmewhileIpushthemfurther,unwillingtobackdown,untilweare allbreathingheavilyandglaringateachother
“We’refinished!Welldone,thatwassuchagoodshoot!”Thephotographer’svoiceinterruptsourstaringcontest. AgrinofvictorycoversmylipsasIkickKoltonoffmyfootandreleaseTrav.Withoutabackwardglance,Iwalkoffthe set,knowingtheyarewatchingme.
Whattheydon’tseeismelockingthebathroomdoorandpressingmybacktoit. MyheartracesasIclenchmythighsinwantandhate Fuck!
