A VIOLATION OF TRUST
Kiersten
I’msittingonthebackofmyhorse,tense.It’scoldevenforFloridaweather.Myhorsewalksincircles,waitingforthetwo womenbeforemetogodownatrickybank MytoesfidgetinthestirrupsasIbusymyself,tryingtodistractfromthepanic inmystomach.Itaketheminandoutasmyhorsetrodsonthebuckle.Manny,shortforManuel,isalittle-horse-that-could. He’sanoff-the-trackthoroughbredwhonevermadeitinmymother’sracingstring.Acast-offoutofafavouritemare,we’ve grownuptogether Hewasmymother’sfirst,thenmyoldersister’s Hebecamemyprojectwhenshedecidedhewasn’twhat shewanted.We’vebeenthrougheverything.Itrusthimwithmylife.
Unfortunately,I’mabouttofindoutthatevenmybesthorsewon’tbeabletokeepmefromhavingahorribleday Infact, I’mabouttohavetheworstdayyet.Ithoughtitwasalreadydreadful,butitwasabouttoworsen.
Thetwogirlsaheadrodethroughthefence Our coach,EddieDawson,critiqueseveryaspectoftakingthefenceandthe bankintothewater.Eddieisanasshole.Moreaboutthatlater.Iamnervousaboutwhathe’sgoingtosaytome.Iwanttocry andvomit.Iwanttoreturntobed.Iwantanythingbutthisday.And,inretrospect,IshouldhaveturnedandgonehomebeforeI mountedthehorse Iwillsoonrealisethatmygreatestregretinlifewon’tbewhatIthoughtitwasthismorning No,itwillbe whathappensnext.
“Kiersten!”Heshouts
Itrembleandlookdeer-in-the-headlights.
“Issues,princess?Caretotrythefence?”
Hisvoicemayhaveoncebeensweetorevenjoking,butitisnowharshandhateful.Heis,oncemore,feelingstuckwith me.I’msorryfor myself.Iamlettingeveryone down.Ihave this chiponmyshoulder thatIamnotgoodenoughanddonot belong So,Istandinmystirrups,reoriented,andpickupmyreins IsqueezeMannyandcluckhimintoatrot We’rerolling now,soIcueforacanter.Hisstridesfloweffortlesslyupthehill.Then,inaverylightseat,Ilethimoutabit.Irideforward downthehillandtowardthefenceatagallop Atthispoint,stillyardsfromthefence,somethingisoff Iamtryingtosethim upanddrivehimforwardwithmyseat,buthe’snotcomingunderhimselflikeexpected.
“Wakethefuckup,Lyons!”Eddieshouts.“Gethimoffthefuckingforehand!”
Somethingiswrong.He’sNQR NotQuiteRight.Islowhimtoatrot,walkinghimgentlyonalooserein.
“Whatthefuck?Kiersten!Whyareyouwastingmyfuckingtime?”
“He’soff Icanfeelsomethingisoff ”
“He’sfine.Don’tbeawuss!”
“Eddie,he’soff”Pippa theonlyotherBrit sticksupforme We’renotclose,butIappreciatehersupport.
“He’sNQR,Eddie.”
“Makingfuckingexcusesforyourself!Youmakechoices,andyoueitherownthemoryoudon’t.Fine,runoff,crytodaddy andaskhimtobuyyouaboatorsomething!”
Thatangersme It’srichcomingfromamanwho,thedaybefore,refusedtoownhismistakes Againstmybetterjudgement andtrustinmyhorse,Isetofftoprovehimwrong.Weheadbackup,thendownthehill,andtakethebank.Icanfeelmyhorse isn’tthere Weland,buthegoesoutfromunderme Iseemyselffallinginaterrifyingcascadeofevents Iknowit’scoming I falloverashedoes.Iseehiseyes,wideandterrified,lookingatme.
Myconstantcompanion,steadyoldman,andprotectorforyearsisgoingdown.It’snotthefirsttimewe’vefallen,butthis isdifferent Myairvestexpands,protectingmefromlandingtoohard Myhelmettakesablow Ilayinthetinybitofwater,out ofbreathandinshock.Then,Ilookoverformyhorse.expectingtoseeMannystandingoverme,tryingtoeatmyhair.Instead, Ihearsplashing
Isitup,provingI’mfine,andlookover.Iimmediatelyregretdoingso.Myhorseisthecauseofthenoise.Mannyisstuck tryingto stand Somethingis wrongwithhim He is inexcruciatingpain Itryto stand, and Eddie tells me to staydown I refuse.I’msoreandrattledbutnotabouttoleavemyhorselikethis.Inshock,Irushoverandtrytosettlehim.IshushManny andbrushhisnecklovingly.EverythingIloveinthismomentislyingtherewrithinginpain,andIamunpreparedtoadmithow baditis
Hestopsflailingandsitsdown.
Chris,anAmerican,calls,“They’resendingthevet He’saskingifhecanstand?” “No,hecan’t.”Pippaapproachesmenow,agrimaceonherface.“Kiersten,darling,youneedtogositonthebank ” “No!Iamnot leaving,”Ibellowintears
Icantellthatmyhorseisunabletostand.Icanseeheisbadlyinjured,butIamnotleaving.I’mindenial.Iamsurethevet canfixthisatrocity.Iamsurehewillleaveokay,andIwillridehimagain.Somehow.
“It’sgoingtobeokay,baby It’sgoingtobeokay,”Isayoverandover,rubbinghisneckandplayingwithhisforelock
Pippatakeshistackoff.Iwatch,remainingsteadfast.Ihavemademyhomeinthewater.IfImuststayhereuntilthedayI die,Ifeelcommittedtodoingit.Ifmyhorsecansurvivehere,Iwillstay.IfIcanbewithhim,I’mhere.
ThevetarrivesandwantstoseeifwecangetMannyupaftergivinghimsomeBanamine Hestands,buthe’sthree-legged lame.Iknowtheresultofmyerrors.Hiscareerisdone!Everythingisover!Isob.He’sdone.Iamfortunatehe’sstillalive,but Ihavelostmybestcompanion Ihavelosteverything! Eddietriestocomfortme,butIfighthim.
“Youbastard!Youdon’tgettotouchme!”
Heletsmego.Perhaps,heknowsheisabastard?Perhaps,hejustdoesn’twanttocauseascene?
Chrispicksmeupandcarriesmeuptothewaitinggatorthatthevetarrivedin.Heletsmesobintohisshoulderandtells methatitwillbeokay,andhe’llbelovednomatterwhat It’strue Mannywillendupsomewhereonabeautifulfarm,happy andwell-caredforasabelovedpastureornament.
IcanonlythinkabouthowIhavefailedthededicatedpackerwhotaughtmemoreaboutridingthananyotheranimalbefore him.Icanonlythinkabouthow manytimes he savedme whenIunderestimateda distance or the times he addeda stride to keep me safe Icanonlythinkaboutthe sound ofhis whinnyinthe morningor how quicklyhe could destroya blanketleft hangingonastalldoorunattended.IcouldonlythinkabouthowhetrustedmeandhowmuchIhadfailedhim.
Ishouldhaveknownbetter.Ishouldhavelistenedtomyhorse’s cues andmygutinstinct.Inever shouldhavegoneover thatfence Inevershouldhavegottenonthehorse IwishIcouldturnbacktimeandmakeitallrightagain,butIcan’t Ifeel liketheentireweightoftheworldisonmyshouldersrightnow.Ihavefailed failedmyhorse,failedmyfamily,failedmy team,andfailedmyself
WereachthebarnandItell ChrisIneedaminute.Itell himIwill waituntil Mannyreturnsevenifittakesall night.He will be broughtina trailer.Idepositmyselfinthe lounge above the indoor arena.Twoyounger riders are outworkingona coursewithanothercoach.Icannotcryanymore.Mybodyisshuttingdown.Ifeelasthoughtheworldhasended. Pippapopsin.
“Ijustendeditall,”IsayasPippasitsbyme “Youdidn’t.Ithappens,sadly.IfEddiewouldn’thaveyelledatyou ” “Iammyownwoman,right?Ishouldbeabletochoose Andhehasarighttobe ” “Hehasnoright,Kiersten.Hedoesn’t.Youjustwantedtomakeeveryonehappy.Youcouldn’thaveknownthatwasgoing tohappen.”
“Mannytrustedme.”
“Iknow.Hedoes.Butitcouldhavehappenedtoanyone ” ThedooropensandEddieappears
“No,yougetoutofhere!”Pippasays,voiceprotective.“Youhavedonemorethanenoughtoday,Eddie.” “Pippa,IneedtospeakwithKiersten ” “Ithinkshe’s hadenoughofwhatever itis youneed tosaytoday. She justlosther chance to ride. Her bestpartner. You needtoleave.”
“Pippa,I’myourcoach ” “Youwere,”Pippasays.
She’sonherwayout farfromEddie’stutelage She’sgettingmarriedandmovingon Ineverunderstoodwhyshedecided to leave the best coacharound but now I wishI had the same option. Movingoff to BFE didn’t seemappealinguntil this morning Now,IwanttobegPippatotakemewithher MaybesheandJohanhaveaspareroom?It’sajoke,ofcourse Ican’t justupandmove.
“Sheneedstogetbackupanddustherselfoff.”
“Sheneedsamoment”
“Horsesgetinjured.Careersend.Itisahardsportandhe’snotayounghorse.She’sgottatoughenup.She’salwaysbeen soweak”
Mynostrilsflare.
“I’mnotweak!”Ishout “Iamresilient!Iamstrong!Or,Iwas IthoughtIwas Youdon’tgettospeakfor me Youhave done enoughEddie!Youcansaywhatyouwantaboutme beinga terrible rider, buyingmywayin, dead weight, etcetera. Meanwhile,youcontinuetodepositmymother’scheckswithoutprotest.Youkeepmeon.”
“Youcontinuedtostayon”
“Yes,well,Ithought…Ithoughttherewasmoregoingonhere.Butthatisover.” Heglares
Pippasqueezesmyhand.“Weshouldgo.” Inodandsqueezeback.
“Youwillregretthis,Kiersten.Itdoesn’tlookgoodtospendsixmonthswithacoachonlyto ” “Youknowwhat?Ireallydon’tcare.Ihavestufftodo.”
“Ah,yes,yoursister’sall-importantwedding.Gottagetbacktothat,don’tyou?” “Iactuallycareaboutmyfamily.”
Isayit,hopingthatthepainstings Iwanttoturntheknife Iamoutforblood Normally,Iavoidconflict,butrightnow,I amlivid.It’sonethingtofuckwithme.It’sanothertofuckwithmyhorses.IlookatPippaforsupport.Sheiswithme,right?I can’ttell Shedoesn’tsayalot She’solderandwiser Ialwayswanttobelikeher,butsheseemstothinkI’mnotauthenticor something.Igetthatplenty.I’musedtoitbynow.Today,though,weareunited.
“Justknow thatyouaren’tthattalented,”Eddiesays “Youarejusttalentedenough Ifyouthinkyouwill ever makeyour nationalteam,you’rejoking.Although,givenwhoyourfatheris ”
“Stopbringingupmyfamily!God!Iamtalented!IfIwerenot,youwouldn’thaveinvitedmetoWellington.IfIwerenot, youneverwouldhaveacceptedmeasastudent”
“You’reavery,veryprettyandpromisinggirl,Kiersten,”hesaysinawaythatmakesmefeelill.“ButIdon’tthinkyou’re goingtobegoodenoughtomakeit Doesn’tmeanyouwon’t Youaren’tbrave ”
“She has the best seat of any rider on this team. She is technically qualified. At her age, I could barely get through a dressagetestataninternationalcompetition!You’resayingthistobecruel Donotlistentohim,Kiersten You’retalented So talented!EvenJohansaysso!”
“Well,goonandbecomeadressagequeen.It’son-brand.”
“Ignorehim,”Pippagroans “Let’sgo Youdon’tneedtohearanymoreofthis” Shetakesmyhandandleadsmeout.Idon’tfighther.She’sright.
POOR CHOICES WERE MADE
Istartleawakeandhearmyfather’svoice.Iwonderaboutthetimeandcheckmyphone.It’sonlyseven.Whatthehellishe doinghere?Ilookaroundtheroom,whichisdarkascouldbe Ah,Icanplacemyselfnow Iprayhe’sonlyhasslingthe stafformybrother,whohastheadjacentbedroom.IhearPedersaysomethingabouthavingbeenoutthenightbefore.Oh, he’smakingupastory.Fatherisgoingtoseethroughthat.
Yousee, myfather is a quiet, calmman He generallydelegates the anger and spite portions oflife to mymother She’s muchbetteratfrighteningpeople,despitehersmallstature.Myfatheriswounduptoday.Somethingaboutthepapers.Irealise thisisbad It’sprobablyverybad Oh, now he’s asking where the fuck I am! Icringeandsitup,forgettingthatthereisabrunetteinbed.Thismorninghasjustgottenevenworse.Stillmoredismalis thatIcannotfor the life ofme remember her name Whatwas it? Sanne No, that’s myfriend’s fiancée And she’s noteven brunette!WhyamIhavingabrainfart?Katrine?Mathilde?Britta?Ah,Britta.Thatringsabell.
Myfather bangs mydoor and the woman whatever her name is stirs. Irealise she’s notas attractive as Ithoughtthe nightbefore Inotethatthetitsarestillace,astheywerebefore,butherfacewasn’tabjectperfection She’salsoabitthinner thanI prefer. Ohwell, what’s done is done. Poor choices were made. At least I managed to get laid, right? And she’s not complaining “Hi,”shesmiles.
Ismileback,butDadshouts,“Olav!Olav!Ineedtospeaktoyouatonce!” “Iwillbedownstairsinfive!”Icallback. Sheasks,“Whatisthat?”
SheonlyspeaksEnglish,andthisjustgotevenstranger Shit!She’snotBritta.MaybeBrittany?Idon’tknow.
“Thatwouldbemyfather,”Iexplain “Andit’sinyourbestinteresttotrytogetoutofhereasquicklyaspossible” “Oh…okay.”
“Sorry.He’s…he’squitewound-up.”
“Whatabout?”
“Ihaven’taclue,”Ireply.
I’mbeinghonest Idon’tknowwhathisissueis Myheadiscloudy Shedeparts.Beingthegentleman,ItakeheroutthroughtheservantstairstoacarIcalledwhichwill hopefully make her walkofshamebetter Iamnotthetypetokickagirl outthefrontgatetoanuber No,that’smoremybrother’sstyle Now,I mustgodownstairstotakemylumps.
Ifindmyfatherandmotherinthediningroom.Inbetweenthemonthemassivediningtableareseveraltabloids.Iscratch myheadasIreadtheheadlines.Oof.Myfateisinmultiplelanguages.
“Doyouwanttotellmewhatyouwereuptolastnight?”
“Idon’treallyknow,”Ianswer “IwasoutwithPeder Wewenttoanightclub Igotreallydrunk” “Yes,clearly!”hedeclares.“Everyoneknowsthat.Whoisthisgirl?Isshestillhere?”
“She’sleft,Pappa Calmdown Imadesuretosendherhome Idon’treallyknowwhosheis” “Olav!Youshouldbeashamed!”Mymother’svoiceringsout.“Really,Iamsolivid!” She’s angryand everyone is speakingEnglish. I’ve fucked up. There are pictures ofme snoggingmultiple girls over the courseofanevening It’sbad
“Well,Pappa,they’reobviouslywrong!”
“Thephotosaremadeup?”He’snotbuyingit “No,Imean,Ididmakeoutwitha couple girls.However,Ineverhadathreesome.Well,Ididn’thaveathreesomeonthis occasion”
Mymotherletsoutanexasperatednoiseandmyfathersetshisjaw. “Doyoueverthinkaboutanyoneotherthanyourself,Olav?” “Ido,actually Iworktirelessly ” “Doyou?Orhaveyoujustbeenchasingtail?”
Arguingwithhimis pointless Of course, thatis whatIamdoing Igetawaywithitmostnights Onthis night, Igottoo drunk,ateanediblesomegirloffered,andveeredoffcourse.Ihaveamomentofclarity,butratherthankeepingittomyself,I sayit
“Brianna,”Isay.
“What?”
“The brunette Her name is Brianna Her friend, Melanie, is the blonde They’re American They found my accent
endearing.”
“Well,bullyforyou,”myfathersays.
TheircontinuedconversationinEnglishsuggestsIamutterly,royallyfucked Iwince Mymothersays,“Olav,youknowhowthislooks,right?”
Inodslightly
“It’sdreadful.It’sallover!”
“Iknow,Mum I’msorry,”Igroan “Pappa,Iamsorry Iletmyselfgoand Ishouldhavebeenmoreaware ” “Thatmighthaveflowntenyearsago,son,butitdoesn’tflynow.Youarethirty-one.”
“Thatisfarfromaged,Pappa ”
“Yourpeersaregettingmarried NatalieandKatrinearebothengaged” “They’regirls ”
“Paulistwenty-fiveandengagedtothatSannegirl!” Itwastrue.Hewas.
“Yes,evenPaulhasn’tbeenthisstupid And,really,Idon’tthinkofhimasthemostexceptionalprospect,”myfathersays “Gustave,bekind.Youknowhe’sjustabitunique.”
“He’sodd.Thatisthecase.HowhelandedthedaughterofElisabethNordgren,Idonotknow.”
Myfather is hungup onthis Elisabethis a former supermodel that myfather and literallyeverymanhis age probably wanked to backinthe day. He likes to thinkofher as one ofours. She married anAmericanbusinesswoman, has a holiday home inOslo she visits sparingly, and while her daughters were born here, theyaren’t Norwegiananymore thanmyown mother.Still,he’sholdingontothissliverofhope.
“Igetit,Dad.YouwouldlikemetomeetaniceNorskgirltomarry.NeedIremindyouthatevenyou couldn’tdothat?And youweremorethanmyagewhenyoumarriedMum?”
“Iwasfarmorematurethanyouare.Insixyears,Iwillhandthisplaceovertoyou.Itwillbeyours.Whatwillyouhaveto show for it? No wife, no children Youwill be nearlyfortywithnothingto show for it And you’d be luckyif anydecent woman would even bother with you. Maybe another woman in a similar position to you would be understanding for the pressuresyouwereunder,butshe’snotlikelytobetemptedifyouarecontinuingtopullthisshit!”
Fordramaticeffect,heflingsatabloidacrossthetable.
“Pappa,Iunderstand.I’moffthesauceforabit.Keepingthings…calm.But,please,pleasedonotsendmearoundEurope tryingtofindawife.Icanthinkofnothing moremortifyingthanthat.”
“Ican’teventhinkofmanyprospects,”mymothersighs.“Really,thereareonlyafewandtheirfatherswouldtossyouout onyourear”
“Iwillmeettherightgirlwhenthetimeisright.”
“Notifyouaren’teventrying ”
“YouthinkIamactivelyavoidingfindingagirl?”
“Yes!”Myparentsrespond,inunison.
Iscoff “Pappa,Iamnotavoidingit Ijustgotintroubleforsnoggingtwogirls ” “That’snotwhatwemean,andyouknowit,Olav!”Mymother’svoiceissharpandcross. Sheisabouttoloseit
Pappa’shandsareballedintofists.Histoneisalsoangrybutmuchcalmer.Ihatecalm.Calmmeanshe’sfargone.
“Youaren’ttryingto date anyone Whenwasthelasttimeyoudid?” Imustthinklongaboutit.“Whatqualifiesasdating?”
“Oh,Olav,darling,ifyouhavetoask!”Mymotherspinsaround.Shepacesthelengthofthediningroomshakingherhead. Igroanandrollmyeyes “Iknow Okay Ithasbeenabit Justabit” “Olav, youdo notcare. Notatall. Youdo nottryto be available. Youare actinglike a child rather thana grownman. Theserecentengagementsarejustevidencethatyourpeersaremovingoninlifeandleavingyouinthedust Imustbelieveyou canrunthisshipinthenextfewyears.CanItrustyouwiththat?”
“Dad,whetherornotIfindawoman ”
“Youneedapartner.Youneedsomeonelikeyourmotherwhocanmanageallthenonsensethatcomesup.Andwithoutone, howonEarth doyouintendtohavechildren?Youmust havechildren!Andit’ssomethingyouneedtodorelativelysoon!” “I’mthirty-one,notfifty!”
“Goon,askKingRoberthowwellthingsworkwithaninfantandanewjob,”myfathersays.“Goon,askhim.IcansayI rememberhowdifficultthatwasforhim ItwashardestforVanora Thatwomanissaintly,butsoisRobert Youarenotsaintly not even respectable at present. You’ll be lucky to land any woman after this stunt. I will remind you that if you find someone,theyareapersonwhowillhavetoshoulderthisburden.Don’tsetherupforthat.”
He is speakingaboutthe Britishhead ofstate. Robert’s mother died whenhe was the father offour youngchildren the youngest,Kiersten,basicallyaninfant.
Igroanand sigh. Ihate the burdenIinherited. Bybeingborn, this was whatIwas gifted. Iamjealous ofmyold friend George.KingRobert’ssonwasbraveenoughtoleaveroyaltyaltogether.And,anyway,everyoneseemedtoagreeNatalie,his younger twin,was the better choice for heir A choice There was nochoice Moreover,Peder was afraidofeverythingand hadaterriblestutterwhenspeakingpublicly.IfIleft,hewouldcollapseintoashellofhimself.Iknowallofthis,soIletitgo. Itakeadeepbreath Imaystruggletobehave,butIamnomonster “Whatdoyouproposethen?BecauseIamtrying,Pappa.Or,atleastIwanttotry…” Myfatheranswers,“Bytheendofsummer,I’dliketoseeyoutrytodateagirl Actuallydate Try” “Definethat?Arewetalkingaprivileged,stuck-upprincesswhosefatherwouldliketoridemyarseand ” “No.Justanynice,respectable,kindgirl.Idonotcareifsheiswealthy.”
“Someoneeducatedandcapable,”mymotheradds “ButperhapsyourAuntRebeccaandIcouldcomeupwithalistof ” “Acceptable girls? Fuck no! That isn’t what I want at all. No. Please don’t help me, mother. Nothing could be more embarrassingthanyourmotherwing-manningforyou Iwilltry Itisnoteasy ” “Youdon’thave to tell me that. However, there is no reasonto be rude to your mother or dismiss her suggestion,” Dad says “HadyourUncleDuncannotintroducedus,I’dneverhavefallenforyourmother”
“Yes, Iamsure the two ofthemcancome up withthe perfect woman. Princess such-and-suchwill be a stuck-up bore. Mummy, you may have been born a normie, but neither of you is now. You don’t know normal people. Dad, you wanted someonenormal Mumwasnormal Istruggletofindnormalpeople ButIwilltry” “Ifyoudon’ttry.IfIdon’tsee youwise upand grow up,Olav,there will be consequences. Iwill putyouona leashso short ”
Fuck.Irealisehe’sserious.Ifeellikeakickedpuppyabouttobedisinherited.Imerelynod.It’sthebestIcandotogetout ofthere.Ileavethediningroom,retreatingtomyroom.ItextmyrecentlymarriedoldercousinNira,asupermodel,whohas somewhat-normal friends. Yes, supermodels are more normal than royals. I amnot sure a supermodel who was raised by royaltycountsas just asupermodel,butItellmyselfthisisbetter.
Ineedtofindagirlfriend Possiblyawife Shesendsalaughingemoji.Isendhertwoknives.
Sure Iwilltry.
Yes
YoucomingforEd’sstag?
Whenyousaygirlfriend,doyoumeananactualgirlfriend?
Ihavenoactualprospects Lotsofpeoplewhowouldfancyahookup Ihavetobehavenow
Youthinkyou’rereformed? Evenmycousindoesn’tbelieveI’mcapable.Iamsofucked.Unlessthemostmagicalgirlonearthwalksintomylifeover thenextfewweeks,myfathermayneverforgiveme,andtheentirecountrywillneverforgethowmuchIamafuckup There couldbearedemptionarcherewithoutthisperfect,respectableproto-crown-princess.
HIDING OUT
Kiersten
IhideawayforaweekinmychildhoodbedroombeforeIfinallyagreetovisitthestableswithmymother.Andeventhen,I struggletoride choosingtogroomafewpregnantmaresandtoplaywithsomenewbabiesratherthanmountupandride out.Ithas beenmore thana weeksince Iwas atopa horse. Icancountonmyhand the number oftimes Ihave said that sinceIcouldremember.Horseshavebeencentraltomylifesincebirth.Mymotherisahorsewoman.Everyoneinourfamily rides Thistimeofyear,thedeliveryofbabieswasthebestdistraction Ijustcan’tdoit.Mannyisstill intheStatesfor however longheneedsbeforeweclear himfor safetravel.Sadly,there wasnoconsensusonwhenthatmightbe Thevetwarnedthatatransatlanticflightwasalongwayoff Hemayendupstuckon mum’sfamilyfarminKentucky.Eitherway,ithurtstothinkaboutafuturewherehisheaddoesn’tgreetmeeverymorninginthe barnaisle
Ididnotgotomyoldcoach’sstablestovisitmyhorses.Theyareriddenbyworkingstudentsandinaroutine.Itellmyself Idonotwanttodisruptthem.However,Iambeingacowardandcannotpicturemyselfgettingthrougharide.Iampetrifiedthe minuteIthinkofafence Thisfearhasbeenwellingupformonths,butonefallandthelossofonehorsetoinjuryhasshaken mebeyondhelp.Ihavelostmynerve.Then,oneday,Pipparings.Sheisagainhomeandwantstomeet.Myguttoldmenotto go,butsheseemedgenuine
I pull my boots on and arrive at the barn. I check my horses but dodge the British coach, not ready to discuss what happenedwhileIwasabroad.Icannothandlethepityandsympathy,orexplainthatIfeelresponsibleformyhorse’scareerendinginjury.Icannotbringmyselftodiscussanythingelsethatleduptothatmoment.IstillfeellikeIamrunningfromitall.I retreatfrommyowndemons.
“Thereyouare,”Pippasays “Yeah,”Isay.
“Where’syourhorse?”sheasks “Didyounotgrabone?”
“I’m…notriding,”Ireply.
“Nonsense.Youmustgetbackoutthere!Let’sjustgooutforahack.” Iamsickatthethoughtoftakingfences.
“Ijust…jumping ”
Shelookssympatheticbutdoesn’tcallmeout “Oh,sure Well,let’sjuststayontheflat” “Bothofminehavebeenworkedtoday.”
“Youhaveamultitudeofexcuses,don’tyou,Kiersten?Okay,fine Johan!”
Kiersten’stallglassofafiancépokeshisheadoutofastall.“Yes?” “CanshetakeDimmaout?”Pippaasks. “Who?”
“Kiersten.Hertwohavebeenworkedtoday.Shedoesn’twanttopullthemout.We’rejustgoingtostayontheflat.” “Sure,whynot?”
It befuddles me why anyone would just hand me a known Grand Prix horse, but here I am. Johan is an international dressagestar Pippamakesfunofhim,butheisadorablysweettoher Theyhaveansweetback-and-forth She’ssunshine,he’s grumpy. Ishould be terrified to getup onthe mountain-sized horse thattakes up more thanmyentire leg, butI’mused to it. Somehow,itiseasiertobeuponanunknownhorseratherthantofeelguiltyonmyown.Icannotexplainit.
“Youfeelokay?”Pippaasks,ploddingalongononeofheryoungsters “She’slikeacouchyoucanride.I’mfine.”
“Ifyougethergoinginapassage,youmightbejoltedrightout”
“Clearly.God,she’slovely.”Ipatthemare’sneck.
It’s nice to just ride It’s different There is no expectationofperfectionor goals This is aboutenjoyingthe view from betweentheearsofahorse.
“It’sgoodtoseeyoubackup.Iwasworriedyoumightneverreturn.IknowyouwererattledbutIhopeditwouldn’tkeep yougrounded”
“Idunno.Iamindenialabouteverything.Theinjury ”
“Didyoureadtheimagingresults?”
“Ididn’thavetheheart,”Iadmit.
“Youshould Iknowit’sgoingtobepainful,butyoushould Thiswasn’tyourfault”
“Mannywasoff.Ispokewiththevet.Thatshouldbeenough.Yousawit,too?”
“Hewasoffandyouknewhimbest.Butitwasn’tyourfault.Sadly,thesethingshappen.Youcouldhavebeentrottinghim oneday Hecouldhavebeeninthepasture Itwasafreakaccident
bearoundforafewweeks.Ican’trideforEddieanymore.IwishIwouldhavelefthisservicesagesago.Johandoesn’twant methereanymoreandit'snotgoodforme ”
“It’sbloodyWellington!”
“It’sgoodbutsoishome,”Pippashrugs.“Youaren’tatfaultfor whathappened.Youwill kickyourself,butyouneedto stopit Thingshappen It’sadangeroussportandhe’sgoingtobeabelovedpastureornament You’regoingtobeherewithme everydayuntilIleave.”
“Probablynoteveryday Mysisterisgettingmarried ”
“Okay,butalot?Weleaveforthemotherlandsoonenough.Untilthen,I’mgoingtogetyoubackouthereandgetyourhead outofyourarse,kiddo.Itishard.Whatyouwentthroughistraumatic,butit’snotyourfault.Andit’snotgoingtobethelast timeyouloseahorse Eddieisrightaboutthat”
Igrimaced.
“Thiswasn’tright I’llgrantyou Youtakecareofyourhorses,aswedoours You’reagoodhorsewoman Ineverpegged youthe type to ace a horse into abandonand ride off into the sunset. But horses… theyare athletes. Athletes have varied careers”
“Idon’tknowifIcandoit.”
“Youcan.Youabsolutelycan.Andyouwillbecauseyouaresomuchstrongerthanyougiveyourselfcreditfor.” “Iamapieceofshit”
“You’renot.Whywouldyousaythat?”
“Ihadnobusinessbeingthere Heselectedmebecause ”
“Heselectedyoubecauseyouareahellofalittlerider,kid.Youearnedit.AskJohan.Hethinksyouhaveamuchbetter seatthanIdo.”
“Youareamazing,though.Iam ”
“Young.Green?Yeah.Butyouaresotalented.Donotletsomestupidmanmakeyoufeelyoudon’tdeservetobethere.He hasspentthelastyeargroomingyou Doyounotseethat?Andthenhedroppedyouontoyourheadandshoutedatyou”
“Inevershouldhavebeenonahorsethatday.Itwasaterribleidea.”
“Youdidn’twanttolethimwin?”
Ishakemyhead.
“Yeah,you’renotthefirstgirltohavetomakethatchoice.”
“What?”
“Idon’tknowifitisbetterorworsetotellyouthatyouarenotthefirstgirlhe’sdonethiswith.Youaren’t.” Ilookather,confused
“Eddielikesyoung,sweet,talentedgirlswhowillfawnoverhiscoaching.Helovesacultofimpressionable,prettyyoung thingsfollowinghimaround Idon’tmeantomakeyousoundsimple You’renot Itisnotyourfaultthatheglommedontoyou andabusedhispower.Heonlythinkswithhiscock.”
“Yes,buttherearetwopeopletoblame ”
“Youweren’tmarriedtoMoira Hewas Shecaughtyoutwo Sure,wasitthemostsavourything?No,love Itwasn’t But howmanyofuswouldhavefallenforhimatyourage?Nearlyeverywomaninthatbarn.You’reyoung,you’regreen,andhe’s veryconvincing”
“Ishaggedamarriedman forawhile.Doyourealisethescandalthatcouldbe?Iamsoashamed!”
“Heabusedhispower Hesexuallyharassedyouandabusedispowerasyourcoach Youareavictim Boom Spunit” “It’snotlikeheheldmedown.”
“He’sgoodenoughthateveryBritwantstowinterinWellington.Wearea powerhouse comparedtothedamnAmericans, andstillwego You’reayoungathletecuttingherteeth Hesoldyouabagofwank” “Hewasalwayssweettome.”
“Ofcoursehewas!Look,Iknow Iknowbecausehetriedthesamethingwithme Ididn’tgoforit Iknewplentyofgood riderswhodid.Andyouknowwhathappenedtothem?”
Ishakemyhead
“They are riding for national teams. He has the results. He’s the best, but also put you in an impossible situation that endangeredyour horse.He was screamingatyoutotake the bank,Kiersten.Ifhe hadjustacceptedyouwere shell-shocked, youwouldn’thavegottenonthathorse”
“Mannywouldstillbecompeting,too.”
“IwishIcouldbelievethat,love,”shesays,voicequiet “Youneedtoreadtheresults Youdidthebestyoucouldtoput himinapasture.”
“Hedeservestobeoutthereriding,”Isay,fightingtears.
“Nah.Ahorsebelongsinapaddockrunningfreemostofall.Retirementwillbegoodtohim.Hewasanhonourablesoul. You willmissyourbuddy.Butthatdoesn’tmeanallislost!Knowinghowyourfamilyspoilstheirmounts,he’llbefine.Stop
makingthisabouthim. You arefrightened. You areworriedaboutyournextchapter.”
“Neitherofmyprospectsis the horse,”Iadmit.
“Youwill find the horse Youjustneed a reset Keep your options open Go backto basics Overcome this fear,” Pippa says.
Imulloverherwordsaswecanterbacktowardsthebarn WhathadthevetfoundthatIhadnotknown?Iworryaboutitas IuntackDimma.IthankJohanforlettingmerideher.Shewasajoy.Abalm.Ipackup,kissmyhorses,andbegintoheadout. That’swhenPippashoutsafterme
“Hey!Iwanttoseeyoubackheretomorrow.Jumps,maybe?Justschooling ”
“Ican’t.Ijust…I’mnotreadytoputmybodythroughthat.Iwillshutdown.Iamnotready.”
“Comeoutanyway Johanhasamorninggrouplesson Jointhem I’llsweettalkhimintoit”
“Dressage?Me?”
“Oh,youcanhandleafewhoursofmorningdressage It’sgoodforyourconstitution accordingtoJohan” Isnicker.“Fine,fine.”
Athome,Icheckmyemailforthetestresults IsuddenlyunderstandwhyPippatoldmetoreadthem She’dstuckaroundto findoutwhatreallyhappened.She’ddoneittoprotectme,maybe?Eitherway,theresultswereclear.Thiswaspartofalarger issue.Mannyhadanexistingstressfractureatthetimeoftheaccident perhapsforalongwhile.He’dgivenmeeverythinghe hadintheprocess Eachride,however,madeitworse Whatwe’dtakenasabitofmorningstiffnesscommoninolderhorses likeMannywaslikelysorenessrelatedtoasoon-to-becannonbonefracture.Icouldhavewalkedhimonedayandhemight havefallen
Mannyhadahighpaintolerance.Henever showedwhathefelt.We’doftennotknow ifsomethingbotheredhimuntil he was getting a massage and he leaned into the sore area. He was such a good, reliable old man. I felt helpless, but now I realiseditcouldhavehappenedevenifIhadn’tbeenonhisbackthatday.
Iwantto curse Eddie into oblivion. Ifeel like a stupid baby. Deep down, Iknow Pippa is right. Iknew she had seenit before Itrustedshewasn’tblowingsmoke HowhadInotseenwhathewasupto?WhyhadIeversleptwithhim?WhydidI believe thathis marriage was over? Does everyone else know? And whatdo they thinkofme? Ifeel like some sortofdaft home-wrecker
IlookataphotoofmyselfastrideMannyatBlenheimlastyearandsobsomemore.Itallfeelssoheavy.Irealisethatthe loveIhaveforthehorsedoesnotextendtothesportrightnow.HorsescomebeforesportandI’mnotsafeoverfences.Right now,Icannotimagineahappydayatahorsetrial.Mywilltorunatsolidfences,catapultingoverthem,isgone.MaybeI’ma baby?Or,maybeEddiehas takenawayall thefunthatcomes withit?MaybePippais rightandIcanpull ittogether?Deep down,though,Iknowsomethingmustchange Thehorsemustcomefirst Mymothersaysitallthetime She’sright Shewould know.
IfIgetbackonahorse,Iwilldoitunder my termsfromhereon NomoresolidfencesuntilIamready Iamnotgoingto letanyonefrightenmeintoit.Nooneisevergoingtotearmedownagain.Nooneknowsmyself-worthbutme.Iamnotgoing to let Manny’s injurypass without a lessonlearned. Yes, horses sometimes have accidents. Yes, theyare unfortunate, but I knowmyhorsebest Andthehorsewill always comefirst
