BACKBLURB
Navy
Alifetimeago,CadeWallacewasthemostpopularboy inschool,andIwastheinsecureteenagerfromatiny country intheSouthPacificwhosomehowcaughthiseye Hewaseverythingtome
ButIwastornaway fromhiminacrueltwistoffate,andIwrappedmy heartinarmortoprotectitfromshattering Twenty yearslater,anunexpectedencountermightmeanasecondchance,butthere’ssomethingIhaven’ttoldhim,andthatsecretmightbetheendofusforever Cade
They say youhaveonetruesoulmate AndImetminewhenIwastooyoungtoknowhowtofightforher Navy Simmondswastheblonde-hairedbeauty fromNewZealandwhosetmy worldonfire,butwhenshewastakenfromme,Iwentdownadarkroad,onethatmademeunworthy ofher Decadeslater,fateputsherinmy pathagain,andIamdeterminedtokeep her ButsomeoneelsehasdifferentplansandImustfightwitheverythingIamtoprotecther
ForCharlie!
You have always been the sister of my heart and love that even after thirty years, you ’ re my ride or die, babe!
Cade
High School
ISTEPPEDONTOthe bus justas itstartedtoclose its doors.Iwas late.Truthbe told,Iwas always late.Myoldest brother,Connor,razzedmeaboutitallthetime,butI’djustsmileandrolloverinordertocatchafewmoreZ’s
AsIwalkeddowntheaisle,Inoticedagirlwhowasprobablyayearortwoyoungerthanmesittingin‘my’seat.Imean,it wasapublicbus,soitwasn’ttechnicallymine,butIsatthereeverydayonmywaytoschoolandnowIwasgoingtoneedto findanotherplace.Iwasonlyfive-hundreddollarsawayfromthemoneytobuyacarandonceIgotthat,Iwouldn’tneedto ride public transitanymore I’d beenworkingafter school and weekends whenIcould atmydad’s constructionsite Itwas goodmoney,anditwasflexible.
Idecidedtositintherowbehindher,justacrosstheaisle.
TherewassomethingaboutherIcouldn’tputmyfingeron Shewasgorgeous,blondecurlsthatcascadeddownherback andlookedalmostliketheyhadamindoftheirown,bigblueeyesI’donlyseenforasecondwhensheglancedmyway,anda bodythatshelookedlikeshewastryingtohideinheroversizedclothing
Shelookedsad,andIdon’tknowwhythatpingedforme,butitdid.
Thebuspulleduptomystop,justoutsidemyhighschool,andIrosetomyfeet.Shedidtoo.Ifrowned.Shewenttomy school?I’dneverseenherbefore.
Followingheroff,weheadedforthefrontdoors.
“Younewhere?”Iasked ShejumpedandIfelttheslightmovementallthewaytomysoul “Shit Sorry Ididn’tmeanto scareyou.”
Sheblushed,hereyesmeetingmine “Youdidn’t” God, she was pretty. Nota stitchofmakeup coveringup her gorgeous freckles. Istudied her for a second, and thenshe started walkingagain, holdingher backpackcloser to her side. She’d onlyhungone strap over her right shoulder, like she neededsomethingtoprotecther.
“Doyouwantmetoshowyouwheretogo?”IaskedasIrushedtocatchuptoher. “No,IthinkI’mokay”
Iheardaslightaccent,butIcouldn’tplaceit.
“Isityourfirstday?”
“No.I’vebeenhereaweek,”shesaid,walkingfaster.
“Neverseenyouonthebusbefore.”
“Itwasmyfirsttimeridingit Mumwas ”Sheshookherhead “Um,couldn’tdrivemetoday” “Idigyouraccent,”Isaid.“Whereareyoufrom?” “NewZealand”
“Noway,that’shellacool.”
“Ta”Wereachedthestepsoftheschool,andshefacedme “I’msorry,butIcan’tbelateforclass” “I’llwalkyou.”
“No,youdon’tneedtodothat,”shesaid.
“What’syourname?”Iasked,asshepulledopenthedoor Butshedidn’tanswerandescapedinside Well,shit.ShewasabouttheprettiestgirlI’deverseen.Iwasgoingtoneedtofindoutmoreabouther.
Navy Ohmygod!CadeWallacetalkedtome Me!Theawkward,somewhatchubbygirlfromatinycountrymostpeoplehadnever heard of. I mean, the amount of people who thought New Zealand was part of Australia was staggering. Someone actually askedmymumoncehowlongithadtakenhertodrivehere Irolledmyeyes IfIdidn’tlovethiscountrywitheveryfiberof mybeing, Imightwonder justhow stupid Yanks were ingeneral. ButIrefused to go there, because Idid love this country. ProbablymorethanmostAmericans
AndCadeWallacenoticedme.Cadewasajuniorandthestarofthefootballteam.Hehadlongishdarkhairandajawlike Superman.Hewassounbelievablygorgeous,Igottongue-tied.
For the first time ever, I was tongue-tied I mean, I did tend to be an introvert But that didn’t mean I was quiet or unfriendly.Idefinitelywantedfriends.MumoftencomparedmetoaLabrador puppy friendlyandnosybutgettingmynose whacked a lot because I wanted to be friends with everyone However, I did tend to tell the truth, sometimes to my own detriment.MumsaidthatwasprobablywhyIhadahardtimemakingfriends.
I shook off my mother’s criticism and scurried down the hall to my first class of the day, Trig Holy hell, I hated trigonometry, butIwas reallygood atmaths, so Ihad beenbumped up fromsophomore level to junior level because ofmy advancededucation.ImighthavebeenthrilledtoleaveNewZealandbehind,butIhadtoadmit,Iwasgratefulforthelessons ithadtaughtme
“You’realmostlate,MissSimmonds,”myteachersaidasIsqueezedthroughthedoorhewasclosing.
“Sorry,Mr Envers”Itookmyseatandpulledoutmytrigtextbook
Themorningdragged,andbythetimethelunchbellrang,IhonestlywonderedifIwasgoingtobeabletostayawakefor thenextsixorsohours AllIwantedtodowasgohomeandsoakinthetub EvenifitwastheshallowesttubI’deverseen,it wasstillatub,anditwasthefirstplacewe’deverlivedthathadone.
Unfortunately,Ihadafter-school tutoring,andtheschool actuallypaidmefor mytime,soIwouldn’tgethomeuntil after six Ishovedmybooksintomylockerandmademywaytothecafeteria.Ididn’tmakemylunchtoday.Ihadn’thadtime,soI grabbedatrayandjoinedupattheendoftheline
“Cade!”agratingfemininevoicesquealedoverthecrowd.
Icouldn’tstopmyselffromfollowingthesound,andmyeyesmettheblueoceanonesofCadeWallace. “Cade!Overhere.”
Ilookedawaybecause Iseriouslydidn’twanttosee himwalkover toCelia Somers.The senior beautyhadeverything. Shewashomecomingqueen,wouldprobablybepromqueen,andshewasonthecheersquad Notthecaptain,butthatdidn’t matter,becauseherbestfriend,NevaehNathanswas,andtheyallmovedinapack. Abig,beautiful,skinnypackofmeangirlhyenas
Okay,no,notentirelyaccurate.Celiawasactuallysweet,butNevaehwasnot.Nevaeh“isheavenspelledbackward,”I’d heardhersay.
Well, Nevaeh, you are a slag As are all your other friends, guys included Ilookedatthemoutofmyperipheral andsaw CadegiveCeliaahug.Then,Nevaeh.Iwrinkledmynoseandstudiedmy shoesasIimaginedallthewaysshecouldfallandbreakanarm
“Whyareyouscowling?”
Iletoutagaspandglancedup CadeWallacewasstandingrightbesideme Ilookedaroundandalthoughtherewasalinebehindme,hewaslookingrightatme.“Eh?” HesmiledandIbitmyliptokeepfromsighing.“Youwerescowling.” “Iwas?”
“Line’smoving,”someonegrumbledfrombehind. “So?”Cadesnappedathim “Yougotsomewheretobe?” “No.Sorry,Cade.”
Ihurriedforward,placingmytrayontheraisedaluminumcounter “Whatyagettin’?”Cadeasked,snatchingthetrayfromtheguybehindmeandsettingitnexttomine. “Aw,man,nowIgottagetoutofline,”theguywhined.
“Sorry,”Isaidashestalkedaway “IgnoreBrumley.Hehitsoneverygirlinschool,”Cadesaid.
“It’snotlikeI’maguymagnetoranything,”Iwhispered “Whatever,”hesaidlikehedidn’tbelieveme.“Whatarewehavingforlunch?” “Well,Iwasgoingtogetpizza,”Isaid,staringatthegreasysquaresinfrontofme “Hell,yeah,thatsoundsgood,”hesaid,grabbingthespatulaandslidingapieceontheplateonmytray,thendidthesame tohis.“Whatelse?”
“That’sit,”Isaid It’sallIcouldafford.
“What?Noway,”hecountered,grabbingthechocolatepuddingI’dbeeneyeingandsettingitonmytray Iputitback.
“Well,ifyou’renotgoingtotakeit,I’mhavin’two.”Hegrabbedthree. “Mathsisnotyourstrongsuit,eh?” “Don’tyoumean‘math’?”
“No,”Isaid.“Mathsistechnicallycorrect.Americansjustshorteneverything,”Iretorted. Hechuckled,reachingforabowlofsomethingyellowandslimylooking.“Wantsome?” “Whatarethey?” “Peaches.”
Iswallowed “Um,yeah,no” Hegrinned,grabbinganotherbowl.
WescooteddownthelineandInoticedtherewerechocolatemuffins MystomachrumbledandIclosedmyeyesbriefly I lovedchocolate.Like,wouldmarrychocolateifitasked.
Cadegrabbedoneandsetitnexttohisbowlsofpuddingandmymouthwatered. Wegottotheice-filledsinkthatheldeverykindofmilkimaginableandhesnaggedonebeforeofferingonetome “I’mokay,”Isaid,soheputthesecondoneonhistray.
WearrivedatthetillandCadeleanedovermeandsaid,“Hey,Bernice,putthisonmyaccount,okay?” “Surething,honey.”
“What?No,”Iprotested “Youdon’tneedtobuymelunch” “Alreadydone,”hesaid.“Now,wherearewesitting?” Iblushed.“Youdon’thavetositwithme.Yourfriends ” “Wherearewesitting,Sparkles?”
Ishiveredathisuseofanickname,eventhoughIknewhewasdoingitbecausehedidn’tknowmyname. “Um,Iusuallysitoverthere”Inoddedtothecornerbythewindowswherenoonetypicallysat “I’llfollowyou.”
Iswallowedandtookadeepbreath,forcingmyfeettomove.Alleyeswereonusasweheadedtothetableinthecorner, andIslidintotheseatbythewall.
Igrabbedserviettesoutofthedispenserandlaidoneonmylap,thenItookaknifeandforkandcutintomypizza. “Whatarethose?”
“These?”Iheldupmyutensils.“Well,thisiscalledaknife,andthisisafork?”
Helaughed “No Imean,youcan’teatpizzawithaknifeandfork Youhavetoeatitwithyourhands Likethis” Hetookhispiece,foldeditinhalfandshovedalmostthewholepieceintohismouth,grinningashechewed.
“You’regoingtochokeifyoukeepeatinglikethat,”Iwarned,cuttingoffanotherpieceofpizzaandliftingittomymouth.I slidtheforkinandbitdown,andCadeseemedtohaveafascinationwithmymovements,soIfrowned.“DoIhavecheeseon me?”Iasked,wipingmymouthafterI’dswallowed.
Heletoutaquietcough “No,ah,it’sallgood” Iblushed.“You’dtellmeifIdid,right?” “Yeah,’course”
Icontinuedtoeatasheshoveledfooddownhisthroat.Itwasendearinginaway. Oh, what was I saying? He could let out a huge fart and I’d probably find it endearing “So,Navy,tellmeaboutyourself,”hesaid Ilookedhiswayinsurprise.“Youknowmyname?” “Yeah I’mCade”
Iletoutaninelegantsnort.“Everyoneknowsyourname,Cade,youdidn’tneedtotellme.”
“Ineverassumeanything”Hegrinned,droppingthecovetedchocolatemuffinonmytray “Whatareyoudoing?That’syours,”Isaid.
“Iboughtitforyou.Aprettygirlshouldneverhavetobuyherownmuffin.”Heleanedincloser,slidingacartonofmilk overtome “Andyoucan’thaveachocolatemuffinwithoutmilk”
“Itwouldbeacrime,”Iagreed.
“Wouldn’twanttohavetoturnyouintotheschoolpoliceonyoufirstweekhere” Ichuckled.“No,thatwouldsuck.”
“Totallywould”
“Thanks,Cade,you’reverysweet.”
“Oh,shit,don’tletthatgetaround,”heretorted.“You’llruinmyrep.”
Alaughbubbled out of me just as Nevaehwalked up, sittingdaintilynext to Cade, and pullingher seat closer to him “What’ssofunny?”
“Locationjoke,”Cadesaid,rollinghiseyesinmydirection,soIwastheonlywhocouldseehisexpression Ibitmylipandfocusedonpeelingawaytheliningonthemuffin.
“What’salocationjoke?”Nevaehasked.
“Hadtobethere,”Cadereplied.
“Ohmygod,you’reso funny,”shesaidinasing-songvoice,layingahandonhisarm.
Hepulledawayandfacedher.“Istheresomethingyouneed,Nevaeh?”
“We’re friends,Cade,”shesaid,hereyesboringintome.“CanInotcomeandsayhitomyfriend?”
“Ialreadysaidhitoyou”
“Well,I’msayinghiagain.Introducemetothisquietlittlemouse.”Shereachedherhandoverthetable.“I’mNevaeh.It’s Heavenspelledbackwards”
Ishookherhandandtriednottovomitinmymouth.“Navy.That’sYvanbackwards.Nicetomeetyou.”
CadechortledbesidemeasNevaehfrowned “Ohmygod,isthatanaccent?Whereareyoufrom?” “NewZealand.”
Shewrinkledhernose.“Where’sNewZealand?”
“It’sanislandintheSouthPacific,”Cadeansweredforme “BelowAustralia” Myheadwhippedhisway.HeknewwhereNewZealandwas?
“Twoislands,actually,”Cadecorrected NevaehglaredatCade.“Howquaint.”
Beforeanymorecouldbesaid,thebellrang,soIrosetomyfeetandgatheredmyrubbish NevaehleanedtowardCade.“Walkmetomylocker?” “Didyouforgetwhereitisagain?”heasked.
“You’resofunny,”shegroundout,thesing-songgonefromhervoice “Ican’twalkyoutoday,sorry.I’malreadywalkingNavytohers.”
“Youare?”Iasked,andCade’seyeswidenedashegavemeaslightnod “Oh,right Yes Cade’swalkingmetomine” Cadegatheredourtraysandrubbishandsmiled.“Ready?” “Um,yep.”
Hedumpedeverythinginthebinandthenweheadeddownthehall. “Ineedtousetheloo,”Isaid.“Thanksforlunch.”
“I’llwait,”hesaid
Ifacedhimwithasigh.“What’sgoingon?”
Hefrowned “Whatdoyoumean?”
“Whyareyoubeingnicetome?Didyouloseabet?”
Adarknessflickeredinhiseyesashemetmine.“Whatthehell?No.Whywouldyousaythat?”
Ishookmyhead.“Becauseguyslikeyoudonotjustmagicallytalktogirlslikeme.” Hecrossedhisarmsoverhischest.“Whosays?”
“Everyeightiesmovieevercreated”
“We’re notinthe eighties,Navy.” He raisedaneyebrow.“Incase youhaven’tnoticed,we have the internetnow.We’re firmlyinthetwentiethcentury”
Ipressedmylipsintoathinlineandbreathedslowly.“Cade ” “Gopee,”heordered.“I’llwait.”
Ithrewmyhandsupintheairandsteppedintothebathroom
Ismiled.NavywasabsolutelythesweetestgirlI’devermet,andsheworeallofheremotionsonherface.Iknewexactlywhat shewas thinking,andIlikedit UnliketheNevaeh’s oftheworld,whowerecalculatingandbitchy,Navywas theopposite Shewashonestandopenandfuckingadorable.
Icouldn’twaittogettoknowherbetter Ijusthopedshe’dletmedothat Navywalkedoutofthebathroomandlookedgenuinelysurprisedtoseemeassheshookherhandsout.“You’restillhere.” Igrinned “ToldyouI’dwait”
“Yes,youdid,”shemumbled,wipingherhandsonherjeans.“Theyranoutoftowels.” “Hatethat.”
“Metoo Idon’thaveanylotionwithme,somyhandsaregoingtobecrackedbytheendoftheday” Inoticedabraceletsheworeonherwristandnoddedtoit.“Thatbracelet’shellacool.”
Shesmiledassheheldituptothelight “It’smyfavorite It’spauashellfromNewZealand Mybestfriend,Nicolagaveit tomeformythirteenthbirthday.”
Justasshesaidthat,CeliaSomerswalkeduptousandgrinned “Hey,Cade” “Hey,Cel.”
SheturnedtoNavy.“I’mCelia.You’renewright?”
Navynodded “Navy”
“Thatissuchacoolname.” Navysmiled.“Thanks.”
“Well,ifyouneedanything,pleaseletmeknow,okay?It’salwaysscarytobeinanewschool”
“Yougotanylotion?”Iasked.
“Cade,”Navyhissedunderherbreath
“Like,handlotion?”Celiaasked,slidingherbackpackoffhershoulders.
“Yeah,”Isaid
“Isuredo.”Shepulledoutatravelsizedbottleandhandedittome.“Youcankeepit.Ihavetwo.” “Thanks.”
“Surething”SheturnedtoNavyagain “Seriously,ifyouneedanything,holler AndignoreNevaeh Shecanbe um,well, alittleoff-puttingsometimes.Butshehasagoodheartundereverything.”
Itriednottoscoffoutloud Nevaeh’sheartwasblackastar Iwassureofit Navynodded, and Celia gave us botha friendlysmile, thenwalked away. Igrinned, handingthe bottle ofhand lotionto Navy
“Thankyou.Youdidn’thavetodothat,”shesaid,unscrewingthecap. Ishrugged.“Igetthingsdone.”
“Apparently”Shesqueezedlotionontoherhandsandreplacedthecap,keepingthebottlebetweenherteethassherubbed thegoobetweenherhands.Ituggedthebottlefromherteeth,andshegrinned.“Ta.” “Ta?”Iasked
“It’stheKiwiabbreviationforthanks,”sheexplained.“Sorry,Iforgetsometimes.” “Don’tapologize,Iloveit.”
Thewarningbellsoundedjustaswearrivedatherlocker.
“Shoot,”shesaid,workingthecombinationonherlock.“I’mlate.I’mneverlate.”
“You’renotlate You’vegottenminutes”
“Shouldn’tyoubeheadingtoyourlocker?”sheaskedasshepulledoutherbackpackandshovedanEnglishtextbookinto it
“I’vegottimetowalkyoutoyourclass,”Ilied.
“Cade,youdon’treally.Pleasedon’tbelateonmyaccount.”
“It’smath.Ihatemath.”
“Ihateit,too,butwemustsoldieron.”Sheswungherbackpackoverhershoulder.“Thankyouforlunch.”
“Sametimetomorrow?”
“I’mnotsure,”shehedged.“Canweplayitbyear?”
ItriednottoshowhowdisappointedIwas “Sure”
“Ta,uh,thanks.Iappreciateit.”Shesmiledgently,thenturnedaroundandwalkedawayfromme.Isuddenlyfeltallkinds ofbummed.
Cade
T
HENEXTDAY,Navywasn’tinthecafeteria,soIgrabbedatray,loadeditup,andwentaboutfindingher. “Mr.Wallace,youcannottakemytraysoutofthisroom,”Berniceadmonished. Shit Rookiemistake IhadbeensodistractedbylookingforNavy,Ihadn’tbeenwatchingforBernice “Sorry,Bernice.IwaslookingforNavySimmonds,”Isaidsheepishly.“Iwasgonnatakeherlunch.” “Well,she’snothere.”
“Iseethat.DoyoumindifIgofindher?IpromiseI’llbringeverythingback.” “Mr.Wall ”
“Please?You’relookingextraprettytoday Isthatanewhairnetyou’rewearing?” Sheblushedasshepattedthebackofthehair.“Flatterywillgetyounowhere,youngman.” “Iwillbringthisallback Iswearonmylife”
Shewavedatme.“Offwithyou.Butdon’tdoitagain.”
“Iwon’t.Thankyou!”Isaid,rushingoutbeforeshecouldchangehermind. Ittookmeafewminutes,butIfoundNavyinthelibrary.HerheadwasbentoverabookandIsmiledasImademywayto her.
“Hi,”Iwhispered,andsheletoutaquietsqueakasherheadwhippedup “Shit,sorry I’malwaysscaringyou”
Shefrowned,herfaceguarded,whichIdidnotlikeatall.“Whatareyoudoinghere?” Isetthetrayonthetableandsatacrossfromher “Broughtyoulunch” “You’renotsupposedtohavefoodinhere.”
Iglancedaroundbeforelookingbackather.“Iwon’ttellifyoudon’t.”
“Youdidn’thavetobuymelunch,youknow.I’mquitecapable ” Iraised myhand. “I’mwell aware thatyou’re capable ofanythingyousetyour mind to, butwould youjustletme be a gentleman,please?MydadwouldbrainmeifIwasn’t”
“Fine.”Sheclosedherbookwithasighandslidittoherleft.“Whatdidyoubringme?”
Igrinned “Thechefhaspreparedforustodayalovelyturkeysubwithwhatcouldbemayo,couldberanch,notsure Our fruitoptionispearsinsyrup,anddessertisvanillapuddingorachocolatecupcake.Lady’schoice.”Shesnaggedthecupcake andbitintoitbeforeeventryingthesandwich.Ilaughed.“Iseehowitis.”
“Chocolate,”shesaid,blushing “It’salwayswhateverischocolate” Iraisedaneyebrow.“Goodtoknow.”
Shegrinnedthroughthecrumbs “Thanks,Cade,thisissweet” Ileanedinandwhispered,“You’renotsupposedtosaythatoutloud.” “Sorry,sorry,Iforgot”
Ichuckled,plowingintomysandwich.
“CadeWallace,youdidnotbringfoodintomylibrary,didyou?”
Iplasteredonmybestsmileandlookedupatthelibrarian “Sorry,Mrs Gibson,itwasanemergency” Shecrossedherarms.“Whatkindofemergency?”
“Mybloodsugarwascrashing,”Navyrushedtosay “Iwasn’tsureifIcouldmakeittothecafeteria” “Doyouhavediabetes?”
“Ah,no,butthedoctorthinksImighthaveaglucoseimbalance,soIgetdizzyifIdon’teat” Mrs.Gibsonfrowned.“Well,I’llallowitthistime,butyouneedtotakebettercareofyourself.”
“I’llgetrightonthat,”Navysaid.
“Itwasniceofyoutomakesuresheate,sweetie,”Mrs Gibsonsaidtome “Butnexttime,don’tdoitinmylibrary” “Yesma’am.”Ismiledandshewalkedaway.
“Ohmygod,you’regoingtogetmeintotrouble,”Navyhiss-pered “Nah,theteachersloveme.Niceimprovwiththeglucosething.” Sheshrugged.“Itwasn’timprov.It’strue.” Ifrowned.“Seriously?”
Navynodded.“IhavetomakesureIeateveryfewhoursorIcouldpassout.Ikeepagranolabarinmybackpackincase.” “Shit,sorry”
“Youdon’tneedtobesorry.Itiswhatitis,andI’velearnedtolivewithit.”
“Well,ifyoueverfeeldizzy,letmeknow,okay,andI’llcatchyouifyoufall...orfindyousomethingtoeat.” Shesmiled.“Yep,okay,I’llbesuretodothat.”
Ifrowned “I’mserious,cupcake,Iwantyoutotellme” “IthoughtIwasSparkles?”
“Didn’tquitefit Tryingoutanewone NotsureIlikeit,though”Icockedmyhead “I’mgonnafindit” Navyletoutaquietsnort.“Navy’sjustfine.”
“No,you’retooprettynottohaveanickname”HerexpressionwasguardedagainandIfrowned “What?” “Don’tsaythingslikethat,Cade,”shesaidquietly.
“Saythingslikewhat?”
“ThatI’mpretty”ShemetmyeyesagainandIcouldseesadnessandalittlefearinhers “Youdon’thavetosaythatifyou don’tmeanit.”
“Whohurtyou?”
Sheblinkedbacktearsandrushedtothrowherbookintoherbackpack.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked
“I’mgoingtogo.Youprobablyneedtogetthattraybacktothecafeteriabeforeyournextclass.”
“Youdidn’tfinishyourlunch.”
“Thecupcake ”Sheswallowedbeforeshakingherhead “Ah thedessertwasgood Thanks” Sheslungherbackpackoverhershoulderandwalkedaway.
Navy
Ihightaileditoutofthelibraryandwentstraighttothetoilet,shuttingmyselfinastallbeforeIcompletelybrokedown Ihad almosttwentyminutesbeforemynextclass,butthatwasn’tawholelotoftimetopull myselftogether,soIreallyneededto figuresomethingout,anddoitquickly
I did a few breathingexercises I’d learned intherapyand worked to calmmyself down. It wasn’t easybecause I was havingadifficulttimetryingtoforgeteverythingCadesaid.CadewasthekindofguyIcouldfallinlovewith,buthewasalso notthekindofguywhowouldeverfallinlovewithme,soIcouldn’tfigureoutwhathisgamewas. And,boydidIwishitwasn’tagameatall.
Thechatterofvoiceshadmeholdingmybreathandpullingmyfeetupontothebowl ThelastthingIneededwasanyone discoveringIwasinherecrying.
“IhavenoideawhatCadeseesinthelittlemouse” Ugh. Nevaeh. “Nevaeh,benice.”
ThatsoundedlikeCelia.
“I’mjustsaying,he’s,like,thequarterbackofthevarsityteam,heshouldgowithacheerleader.Notsomegirlwhoshoves hernoseinabook,”Nevaehlamented “Andshe’sfromsomeisland Sheprobablyeatscoconutsforbreakfast” Irolledmyeyes.We’renotthatkindofisland,youtwat.
“Idon’tthinkNewZealand’sknownforcoconuts,”Celiasaid
“Whatdoyouknow?”
“IthinkCelmightberight,”anothervoicesaid.“I’mprettysureit’snotlikeHawai’i.IdidapaperonAustraliainthefifth grade,andIrememberlookingupsomethingsaboutNewZealandtoo”
“Didanyoneaskyouforageographylesson, Melissa?”
“Well,no,but ” “Thenshutup. ”
“Nevaeh,don’tbemean”
Again,thiswasCelia,andIwasgladIwasrightabouther.Shewasgenuine,afterall. Nevaehscoffed.“I’mjustsaying,hecouldhaveacheerleader.Someonelike...” “You?”Celiafinishedforher
“Well,weallknowIcouldtotallygethim.Imean,IdidshoothimdownwhenhewantedtomakeoutatJeremySpencer’s partylastsummer Butyouknow,itwasnobigdeal”
“Thenwhydoyoutellthestoryatleastonceaweek?”Melissagrumbled. Shewasclosestinproximitytome,soIheardherloudandclear “WhatwasthatMelissa?”Nevaehdemanded.
“Iwasjustsayingyou’retoogoodforhim.”
“Well, whatever, Ihaven’tdecided who’s worthyenoughto take me to prom, so we’ll justsee. I’mkeepingmyoptions open.”
“Andyourlegs,”Melissasaidunderherbreath Ibitbackalaugh.Melissamightjustbeokay,too.
“Ifyoumutteronemorething,Melissa,Isweartogod,I’mgoingtocutyourthroatwithmynailfile” “Nevaeh!”Celiaadmonished.“Stop.”
“Iwasjustjoking,”Nevaehretorted “Whatever Weneedtofocusonthemouseandmakesureshedoesn’ttrytonibbleoff ofmycheese.”
Thefirstwarningbellsounded,andNevaehgroaned.“IfIgetonemoretardyslip,I’mgoingtogetdetention.”
“Then,let’sgo,”Celiasaid “I’llwalkwithyou”
Iheardthedooropenthencloseandsetmyfeetbackonthefloor.OnceIknewthecoastwasclear,Irushedtosplashwater onmyfaceandmadeamaddashtomynextclass
Cade
Idropped the traybackinthe cafeteria, findingone lone cupcake inthe case so Isnagged itwhile Bernice wasn’tlooking, wrappingthe treatinthe napkinbefore headingto mylocker There was no signofNavyand Ihated thatImighthave said somethingtohurtherfeelings.Isighed,arrivingatmyclassjustasthefinalbellrung.
Whenschoolgotout,Ilookedforher,withoutsuccess,andknewifIwaitedanylonger,I’dmissmybus,soIhauledassto thestopjustasitpulledup.
Tonightwas myone nightoff. No football practice, no work, nothing. Justour weeklyfamilynightwhichwe all looked forwardto Well,maybenotmybigbrother,Connor Hewasalmosttwentyandamechanic,workingindowntownSanDiego foroneofthe‘brothers’ofamotorcycleclub.Dadhadhittheroofwhenhe’dboughtaHarley,butConwasanadultandhad movedoutsoonafterheturnedeighteen,sotherewasn’tmuchDadcouldsay ConnorstillmadeittofamilynighteveryweekanditwasprobablymorebecauseofMom.Shewasdefinitelythegluethat heldusalltogether.
Iwalkedintothehouseandslippedoffmyshoes. “Cade,isthatyou?”Momcalled.
“Yeah,Mom”
Shewalkedintothefoyerfromthekitchenandsmiled.“Hey,baby,howwasschool?”
“Itwasgood”
Shecockedherhead.“Good,huh?I’veneverheardyousayschoolwasgoodbefore.” Ichuckled.“Well,Imadeanewfriend.”
“Ohyeah?”sheasked.“Agirl?” Ishrugged.“Maybe.”
“LetmejustcheckonCricketandthenIwanttohearallaboutit”
Mybabysister, Christina, was three, and she’d beena ‘surprise.’I had two other brothers besides Connor, Cullenand Cameron, who were thirteenand eightrespectively, and Momand Dad had thoughttheir days ofbabies were over Butthen Christinaarrived,andshewasbothnoisyandalittleterroronceshelearnedtowalk,sowecalledherCricket.
Momheadeddownthehall,peekinginonmysister,thenmadeherwaybacktothekitchen.“She’sstillasleep.I’llwake herinafew,otherwise,shewon’tsleepallnight”Shesqueezedmyarm “Now,tellmeaboutthisgirl”
Idraggedmyselfhomeatclosetosix-thirty,andlockeduponceIwasinsidetheapartment.“Mum?”
“Kitchen,”shecalledback,andIsighedwithrelief
Shesoundedbright,happy...andsober.
Droppingmybackpackonthesofa,Imademywaytoher,andshesmiledatmefromherplacebythestove “Hi,honey” “Hi.”Ikissedheronthecheek.“Whatyacookin’?”
“Macandcheese It’stheboxkind,soIhopethat’sokay”
“It’sgreat,Mum,thanks.”
Mumworkedata local diner andeventhoughshe made minimumwage,plus tips,things were usuallytight.She always madesureIhadbreadandlunchmeatforschool,cereal,milk,thatsortofthing,butIdon’tthinkI’dhadasteakorroastchicken foraslongaswe’dlivedintheStates,notjustSanDiego.
NotthatNewZealandwasanybetter.MumwasactuallyAmerican,butshe’dfalleninlovewithaKiwiwhileonabreak fromuniversityandfoundherselfpregnantwithme,sowithbothsidesofthefamiliesbeinguberreligious,theyrushedtoget married Mygrandparentshadbasicallydisownedmymother,andshe’dneverhadthechancetofinishherdegree,butwhenmy daddecidedsleepingwithotherwomenwasbetterthancominghome,Mumdivorcedhim,packedupwhatmeagerthingswe had,andcame‘home’
Thatwaslessthantwoyearsago,andwe’dstartedoffinBakersfield,butMumwantedtobecloser totheocean,sowe movedhereabouttwoweeksago Ihatedit
Well,no,letmerephrase.IlikeditbetterthanBakersfield,butIstillmissedallmyfriendsinNewZealand.Ialsomissed mydad.
Buthe’dforgottenaboutme He’dkeptintouchforthefirstfewmonthsafterwemovedhere,butthenhiscallswerefew andfarbetween,andthennonexistent,soitwastrulyjustMumandmenow.
Andshewasn’tdoingwell She’dstarteddrinkingjustbeforeweleftandpromisedmeitwasjustto‘helphersleep,’but nowshewaslessthansobermostdays,andshewasmeanwhenshewasdrunk.Shewassometimesmeanifshewassobertoo, but she was brutal whenshe was drinking, and Ihad to keep mytears to myselfor she’d ‘reallygive me somethingto cry about.’
Moreimportantly,though,Ineededtomakesureshedidn’tdrivedrunk.OnthedaysIknew shewasunabletodrive,I’d hideherkeys Itmeantshehadtotakethebustowork,andIhadtotakeittoschool,butitalsomeantshewouldn’tkillherself oranyoneelsewhileshewasbehindthewheel.Sofar,shehadn’tfoundmyhidingspot.Fingerscrossedsheneverwould.
“I’mgoingtostudy,”Isaidaftergrabbingagranolabarandglassofmilk
“Okay,honey,I’llbringthemacandcheesewhenit’sdone.”
“Thanks.”
OnceI’dputinafewhoursofstudying,eatendinner,anddonethedishes,Iwaswipedout.Thedayhadbeeneventful,and I wasn’t used to that, so I said goodnight to mymother and crawled into bed. I sent up a silent prayer to the universe that tomorrowwouldbeabetterday
IclimbedoutofMum’scarandleanedintothewindow,smilingather.“Thanks,Mummy.Haveagreatdayatwork.”
“Iwill,love.Ishouldbehomeearly.Maybewe’llwatchamovie?”
“Thatsoundsfun”Iwavedandmademywaytothefrontdoorsoftheschool,whereIsawCadestandingonthesteps His headwasbowed,hisbagathisfeet,soIslowedmypace,seeingiftherewasawayaroundhim.IhopedIcouldavoidhim, becausemyheartjustcouldn’ttakethethoughtofallhisattentionbeingabiggame Unfortunatelyforme,hisheadcameupand hesmiledhisgorgeoussmile,andIwaslost.
Hejoggedovertomeandslidmybackpackoffmyshoulder.“Letmecarrythat.”
“Youdon’thaveto ”
“Iknow.Iwantto.”
Ibitmylip “Um,okay,well,thanks” “Hey,didIdosomethingyesterday?”Cadeaskedasweheadedinside. “Whatdoyoumean?”
“Liketohurtyourfeelings.’CauseifIdid,I’msorry.”
“No,youdidn’t.Lifeisjustcomplicatedformerightnow,soI...”Isighed.“Nevermind.It’snotimportant.” “Talktome,CurlySue” Isideeyedhim.
“No?”Hegavemeawrygrin “I’llkeeptrying” “Whatareyoudoing,Cade?”
“I’mwalkingyoutoclass” Ireachedouttosqueezehisarm.“Why?” “Whatdoyoumean,why?”
Isighed “You’rethequarterbackofthevarsityteam,you’repopular,shouldn’tyoubewalkingacheerleadertoclass?” Hechuckled.“Ifyouwerethatcheerleader,thensure.”
Ibittheinsideofmycheektokeepfromgroaning “Cade,I’mnotgoingtoripmyglassesoffandsuddenlybecomeahot girl.”
Hefrowned “Youdon’twearglasses” “Cade.”Thistime,Ididgroan.“Ifthisissomewarpedversionof‘She’sAllthat,’Iwantnopartofit.”
Hesmiled,pullingmeofftothesideofthefrontdoors.“Look.Ihappentothinkyou’retheprettiestgirlI’veeverseen,and inthetwodayswe’veknowneachother,I’vediscoveredyou’realsosmartandfunny,sounlessyoudon’tfeelthesameabout
me,thenI’mgoingtokeepwalkingyoutoyourclassandbuyingyoulunch.”
“Youdo not needtobuymeluncheveryday,”Igroundout.
“We’llsee”
Imethiseyes.“YoureallythinkI’mpretty?”
“TheprettiestgirlI’veeverseen,”herepeated “Ireallywanttobelieveyou.”
“Iwouldneverlietoyou YoucanaskanyoneIknow,Idon’tlie Itbitesmeintheassalot,butIjustdon’t” Isighed.“Metoo.Andmybuttgetsbittenallthetime.”
Hisnostrilsflaredashehissedinabreath.
Ifrowned “What’swrong?”
“Nothing.I’mgood.Ready?”
Inoddedandwecontinueddownthehall
Fuck, man, get a grip.
AllIcouldthinkaboutwasbitingNavy’sass Sheworeapairoflowrisejeansthathuggedthatheart-shapedassentirely too well, and a zip-up hoodie thatlanded justabove her hips. Her wild curls were justas unrulyas ever, and she wore no makeup.
Jesus,shewasgorgeous.
Arrivingatherfirstclass,Ihandedherherbackpack,thenleaneddowntokisshercheek.“Seeyouatlunch.”
Sheblushed,thennodded,andheadedinside Icouldn’twipethestupidgrinoffmyfaceasIwalkeddownthehall,toward myEnglishclass.
LittledidIknowthatinlessthanayear,mywholelifewouldturntoshit,andnotonlywouldbothmyparentsbegone,but Navywouldbetoo.
Cade
Twenty (ish) years later...
ISLAMMEDMYtruckdoorshutandheadedintothehousemybrothersandIwerecurrentlyremodeling.Itwasa1920s CraftsmanindowntownVancouver,anditwasgoingtobeastunnerwhenweweredonewithit.
Mybrother,Cullen,pulleduprightbehindme,givingmeagiantgrinashejoggedupthewalkway “Morning” Irolledmyeyes.“Itis,infact,morning.Welldone.”
Hechuckled.“Wrongsideofthebedthismorning?”
Cullenwas thirty-five and had married his high-school sweetheartas soonas she turned eighteen She’d died two years later,andyet,themanwasalwayshappy.Hesworehe’dnevermarryanyonebecauseElizabethwasitforhim,buthewasn’t bitter Ihadnofuckin’cluehowhecouldbesohappy,especiallyconsideringtheshitwe’dallbeenthrough,buthewas “Youcouldsaythat,”Igrumbled.
Betweenmyex, Diana, fuckin’withour kid’s head, not to mention, fuckin’withmine, and the nightmares I still had on occasiondue to myPTSDfromwar, sleep was never great, butlastnight, mydreams were filled withthe prettyblue-eyed, curly-headedgirlI’dneverbeenabletoshake.
Stupidteenagedreamsthatweresofuckin’farfromreality,Ineededtofigureoutawaytoshutthemdown Mybrothersqueezedmyshoulder.“Whysoglum,chum?”
“JustsickofDianafuckin’withDevon,”Isaid,leavingouttherest Cullensighed.“Yeah,that’snotcool.Whateveryouneed,brother.”
“Thanks”Iglancedaround “Where’sCam?”
Our other brother, Cameron, was thirtyand fucked anythingwitha skirt. Itwas becominga problembecause he wasn’t greatatpickingwomen.Theywereallcrazy,andalittlescary.
“He’shelpingCondownattheshop”
Oureldestbrother,Connor,ownedanautoshopinBeaverton,andifweweren’tasbusy,Cameronwouldhelpoutdown there Actually,wealldid Connorwaspartofalocalmotorcycleclub,andhewentby“Hatch”thesedays,although,noneof uscalledhimthat.Notevenoursister,Cricket,whowasafixtureattheclubcompoundandhisshop.
Whenmymomdiedofcancer,andDadgotsentupstateformurder,Conhadtakencustodyofallofusinordertokeepus all together.Thishadall gonedownduringmysenioryearofhighschool,sothesecondIgraduatedandturnedeighteen,I’d headedintotheArmy.BythetimeI’dfinishedthreetours,I’dgottenDianaknockedupwhileonleave,sowe’dgottenmarried because Ialways didthe rightthing Twenty-four andabouttobecome a father,IthoughtI’dhitthe lottery,butthenafter my fourthtour, I came home to a wife who’d fucked everyone onthe base, and thensome, and a little boywho was severely neglected
I’ddivorcedherassandfiledforfullcustody,whichIwasinformedIwouldn’tgetuntilIlefttheArmy.Ishouldhaveleft sooner,butthemilitarywasallIknew.WhenConnordecidedtomoveoutofSanDiegoanduptoOregon,Iuseditasawayto escape.WealwaysfollowedConnorandweprobablyalwayswould,evenifitwasintohell.
Iwasstillfightingforfullcustody,eventhoughDianawasonherthirdhusband.Shewasabitchonwheelsandusingmy sonasleverageandchildsupportchecks DevonwascurrentlylivingwithConnorwhileIremodeledthehouseI’djustbought IwassleepinginanRVonthepropertywhichwasn’tconducivetoraisingafourteen-year-oldwho’djuststartedhigh-school. I’dalreadyfiledthepaperworkfor full custodyandDevonwasoldenoughtochoosewhohewantedtolivewith,soitwas almostadonedeal.
Isighed.“Okay,let’sgettoit,then.”
Therestofmycrewarrivedtwentyminuteslater,andwegotdowntobusiness Therewasashittonofworkandnotalot oftimetodoitin,whichsuitedmejustfine.
Thenextday,Connorwalkedthroughhisfrontdoorandgrowled,“Whatthehellisthat?” Iwascurrentlysittingathistable,drinkingabeerwhilecheckinginvoicesonmylaptop Isetthebeerdownandgrinned “Thisisadog.”
“Thatisnotadog”
ThefurballinquestionwascurrentlywaddlingovertoConnorandyippedathim.“Seriously,Cade,whatthefuck?”
“Gotouttothesitethismorningtofindthemdumped ” “Them?”
“Dad!”Devoncalled Iturnedinmychair.“Yeah,bud?”
“Ican’tkeeptheminthebox”Herushedintotheroom,carryingawadofmatchingpuppies “They’reallescaping” “Fuckme,”Connorgroundout.“Youbroughtthemhere?”
“Wecouldn’tleavethemtheretodie,”Isaid
The furball atConnor’s feetwas done beingignored, so ittugged onthe hemofhis jeans... withits mouth. It growled, baringitsteethandmybrotherdroppedhisheadbackandtookadeepbreath.Thepuppybarked,andConnorbentdownand scoopedthelittleguyup,receivingafacefullofpuppytongueforhisefforts
“Can’tresistthelittlefucker,huh?”Isaid.
Connorheldthepuppycloser “Someassholejustdumpedfivepuppies?” “Inapaperbag,yeah,butthereshouldbesix.”Irosetomyfeet.“Cullen,yougotone?” “Yeah,man,”hecalledback “Littleshitjustpissedonme”
Connorchuckled.“Like’emalready.”
“DevandIstoppedbythepetstoreandgrabbedfoodandbowlsfor’em,butwe’llprobablyneedtotake’emtoashelter orsomethin’tomorrow”
“Knightcanlook’emover,”Connor said.KnightwasoneofConnor’sMCbrothers.Hewasavetandwouldbeableto hookusupwithanadoptionserviceaswell “He’ll probablybeabletotakecareoftheirshots,thengetthemfarmedoutor whatever.”
“We’renotkeepingthem?”Devonasked.
“Whatarewegoingtodowithafru-frudog,Dev?”Iasked. Hepulledhisthreeclosetohischin.“Idon’tknow,Dad,loveit?”hereplied,sarcastically.
“We’lltalkaboutgettin’adogwhenwehaveaplaceofourown,soundgood?” Devonfrowned.“Whatever.”
Connordroppedhiskeysonthecounterandcarriedhispuppyouttothebackyard Therestofusfollowedandwatchedas sixlittlecottonballswaddledaroundmarkingtheirterritory.
“I’mgonnagochange,”Cullensaid,andwalkedbackinthehouse.
“Where’sCam?”Connorasked.
“Chick,”Ianswered.“Whataboutyou?Seemslikeyou’regettin’indeep.”
Connornodded ConnorhadjustmetwhatIwasprettysurewasgoingtobetheloveofhislife MaisieMannwasBritish, blonde, cute as a button(fromthe pictures I’d seen), and came witha twelve-year-old daughter who’d wrapped mybrother aroundherlittlefinger
Iraisedaneyebrow.“Doesthatmeanwe’regonnameetthisMaisiewoman?” “Yeah,man.Soon.”
Igrinned “Likethat,Con”
IspenttherestoftheeveninghangingwithmybrothersanddecidedtostayovernightsinceIhadtocheckonajobcloseto Connor’splaceinthemorning
ThisfactgavemeachancetocatchupwithDevon,andIneededtoconnectwithmykid.Withthequalitytimeinplace,I madeacouplebowlsofpopcornthenDevonandIsatdowntowatchamovie
Idraggedmyselftobedjustpasteleven,butsleepdidnotcomeeasy.
“Hey,” Navy said as she reached for my arm. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head It was just before lunch, and we were standing at her locker It was the end of my junior year, almost prom, and I felt like my world was imploding.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, shoving her bag into her locker.
“Mom has cancer ”
She let out a quiet hiss and wrapped her arms around my waist. “Oh my god, Lumpy, when did you find out?” I pulled her close, dropping my chin to her head I still hadn’t landed on a nickname for her, but she sure as hell had for me. ‘Pineapple Lump,’ which had been shortened to Lumpy, was apparently her favorite candy from New Zealand and it was one of the few things she missed about home “Yesterday. Dad’s convinced she’s going to beat it, but I’m not so sure. ” She slid her arms up my back. “She’ll beat it. She’s fighting for you and your siblings, there’s no way she won’t.” “I’m scared, Navy,” I whispered
“I don’t blame you. ” She leaned back to meet my eyes. “But I’m here and I won’t ever leave you. ”
I smiled “Thanks, snickerdoodle ”
“What’s a snickerdoodle?”
“It’s a cinnamon sugar cookie.”
She wrinkled her nose “No ” I cocked my head. “Why, no?”
“Because it’s not chocolate, therefore it’s inferior” She patted my chest “Try again ” I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Come on, let’s get you fed.”
“We can skip prom if you want to,” she said as we walked hand-in-hand down the hall
“No way in hell Mom would have my hide Plus, I’m going with the prettiest girl in school, so I want to show her off ” She let out a quiet snort but before she could say something negative about herself, I squeezed her hand. “Don’t you dare disagree with me Nobody talks negatively about my girl ”
She blushed. “So bossy.”
“You have no idea ”
“I’m learning, Lumpy, I’m learning.” I grinned and led her into the cafeteria.
AsIpulledovertothesideoftheroadwheretheneighborhood’smailboxeswerehoused,Icouldn’tstopasmileasIwatched theredsandbluesplayofftheskyasthesunset.
Ilovedmylittlehome,nottomention,theweather,whichwassomuchlikeNewZealand’s Itwasabalmtoateenager’s heart that had never fullyhealed. Forcingawaymymelancholy, I grabbed mymail, excited to see a package frommybest friendintheworld,Nicola
Ijumpedbackintomycaranddrovethehundredfeettomyhouse,pullingintomygarage.Igatheredmymailandwalked inside, grabbinga pair ofscissors to openthe boxfrom‘Cola.’Ipowered up mylaptop, settingitonmykitchentable, then puttinginavideocall.
“Isthatmydarlingcuntofabestfriend?”Nicolaansweredonthesecondring.
“Hi,lovely”Iheldupthebox “Whathaveyoudone?”
“Iwasn’tgoingtoletyourbirthdaygowithoutsendingyouacarepackage.Mypoor,darlingfriendsurroundedbyallthose Yanks,andnopeanutslabsorGingernutsattheready”
“Yousentpeanutslabs?”Isquealed,rippingopenthebox.
Idumpedmytreatsontothetable(carefully,incasetherewassomethingfragile),thenbegantopawatitliketheanimalI was.
“Aw,babes,yougotmechocolatefish!”
“Ofcourse,Igotyouchocolatefish Youwereborn,youmakemylifeworthliving,therefore,welldone,yougetchocolate fish.”
Ilaughed,neatlystackingeverythingonthetablenexttome Istartedtonamethem,“ToffeePops,Choysatea,MilkyBars, PeanutSlabs,myfavorite.”
“Duh,”Nicolaretorted.
“Mackintosh’sToffees,ScorchedAlmond,Marmite oh,”Irasped “Oh?”
Asudden,sharppainslicedthroughmyheart “...andPineappleLumps.”
“Yourotherfavorite,”Nicolasaid “Yep,”Isaid,tryingtokeepthetearsatbay.
“Areyoucrying?”
Inodded,nowunabletostoptheonslaught “Whyareyoucrying,love?”
“Ijustmissyoulikecrazy,andthiswasjustsounbelievablysweet,andIwanttowrapmyarmsaroundyouandhugyou forever.”
Allofthiswastrue,butthetearshadverylittletodowithher,andeverythingtodowiththemanIstilldreamedofalmost everynight.IfIwastrulyhonestwithmyself,hewasprobablythebiggestreasonIdidn’tmovebacktoNewZealand.Icould arguewithmyselfandsayitwasbecauseIlovedthePacificNorthwestandthelifeI’dbuiltformyself,butitwouldallbea
lie. Because Cade still existed inmyheart. Maybe, justmaybe, one dayI’d have the courage to find himand reachout. IfI movedbackhome,I’dneverdoit.
“Imissyoutoo,”Nicolasaid “IthinkIneedtoplanatripthere,oryouneedtocomehere” Isighed.“Thatwouldbeamazing.Ihaven’tthoughtaboutcomingback,since...well,sinceMumdied.”
Mymotherhadlostherbattlewiththebottlesixyearsago,andmygriefhadbeencomplicatedbecauseI’dalreadygrieved thelossofherwellbeforeshedied,sowhenshefinallydid,itwaskindofaformality,ifyouwill.
Ifithadn’tbeenfor mystepfather, Jim, Idon’tknow how Iwould have beenable to navigate mynewfound turmoil, let alonetheworldingeneral.
MymotherhadmetJamesHendersonrightbeforemyjunioryearofhighschool.They’dfallenmadlyinloveandJimhad takenmeinlikeIwashisown Momgotpregnantwithmybrother,Reed,whenIturnedsixteen,justafterJimhadbeenoffered ajobservingontheWashingtonWildlifeCommitteeastheChiefofConservationupinSeattle,Washington.
Ibitbacksadnessattheyearthathadframedmywholelife CadeWallace’smomhaddiedofcancer,andhisdadhadbeen lockedupafterkillingamaninsomesortofundergroundfightclub.CadehadenlistedintotheArmyrightafterthat,andwe’d had to saygoodbye to eachother, promisingto write, but all myletters had gone without response, so I gave up after six months.
He’dbeenmyfirst,andquitefrankly,onlylove,andasmuchasI’dbeenabletomoveon,itstillhurtonoccasion. AndthePineappleLumpsbroughteverythingback Inspades.
“Ithinkitmightbeagoodideaforyoutocomeback Itmightbereallyhealingforyou,”Nicolasaid “Ifyoucomeinthe summer,wecanspendthewholetimeinthewater.”
“NotsureI’mwillingtogiveupmyAmericanwinter,butmaybeIcancomeinApril?” “Whatever,Trevor,justcome.”
Ilaughed.“Thatsoundsamazing.Letmegetthroughthesenextfewweeksatworkandthenwe’lltalk.” “Really?”sheasked,hopefully “Yes.IfyouthinkBrendanwon’tmind?”
NicolaandBrendanhadbeenmarriedforalmosttenyears,theyhadtwoamazingkids,andwerelivingtheirbestlifeever “Brendanwillbesoexcited,areyoukiddingme?”
“Then,yes.”Ismiledthroughmytears.“You’reright.Ineedtocomehome.” Sheclapped,lettingoutahootoflaughter.“We’regoingtohavesomuchfun.” “Ican’twait.”
“Right,darling,Ineedtogetasnackforthekids They’llbehomefromschoolsoon” “Okay.”Isighed.“Thankyou,Cola.Seriously,thiswassuchalovelysurprise.” “Ofcourse,mylove Happyearlybirthday”
“Thankyou.”
“Talksoon,”shesaid,thenrangoff.
Iclosedmylaptop,gatheredmytreats,thenmovedthemontothekitchencounter,thePineappleLumpsontop Isuddenlycouldn’tbreathe,sinkingtomykneesasIburstintotears.
I rushed to class, trying to keep my tears at bay I was almost late, which was probably a good thing because I just couldn’t deal with seeing Cade right now.
By the time the lunch bell rang, I felt sick to my stomach, but Cade was waiting for me outside of my class, so I had no choice but to gird up my loins.
“Hey,” he said, smiling as he kissed my cheek “Hi ”
“What’s wrong?”
I shook my head, looking up at him
“Jesus, Navy, what happened?”
“We’re moving ”
“Moving?” Cade frowned. “Where?” “Seattle.”
“What?” he rasped
I nodded. “Jim’s been offered his dream job, and it will give us everything we want.” Cade pulled me against him as I lost my control on my tears
“But all I want is you, ” I whispered, burying my face in his chest.
“When?” he asked
“Mum said they’re going to wait a few weeks, but what’s a few weeks going to change?” I met his eyes again. “My heart won’t be any less broken.”
He slid his fingers down my cheek. “We’re just going to have to make it count.”
“I don’t want to go ”
“I don’t want you to go, either,” he said I sighed. “I still have one more year. I guess, you graduate in a few months, so I’d be here next year without you, but I thought we still had more time ” “Yeah.”
“What are we going to do?” I asked “I don’t know. I’ll talk to my parents. Maybe I can go to college up there.”
Butthathadallbeenapipedream Hismotherhaddiedbeforehe’dgraduated,blowingupanynotionswemayhavehadtobe reunited.HeenlistedandIneverheardfromhimagain.
Navy
THEFOLLOWINGMORNING,Iheadednextdoortocheckonmyelderlyneighbor,DorothyLevy.Shewaseighty,widowed thrice,hadtwochildrenwholivedinWisconsin,oneinMaine,andonewho’ddiedduringtheGulfWar.
She’d beenthe first personto welcome me whenImoved inand we’d formed a close bond, despite her reputationfor beingacrotchetyoldlady.
Infact,wehaddinnertogetheracoupleoftimesaweek.Shewasaphenomenal cook,andIhadagiftforbaking,sowe workedintradeandhadbecomealittleadoptedfamilyunit.
Irangthedoorbellbeforeusingmykey.“Dottie?”
“Kitchen,bubaleh,”shecalledback “Comeonin”
Iclosedandlockedthedoor,thenheadeddownthehalltothebackofthehouse,whereIfoundDottieatthesinkunloading thedishwasher
“Hi,Dot,”Isaid,settingaglasscontainerwithfreshblueberrymuffinsonherisland.
“Hey,sweetpea.Whatyagotthere?”
“Blueberrymuffins,”Isaid,closingthedistancebetweenusandkissinghercheek.“Whydon’tyousitdownandhaveone andI’llfinishputtingyourdishesaway?”
Shepattedmycheek “You’rethebestgirlontheplanet” Ichuckled.“I’mgoingtohavethatengravedonadecorativeplate.”
SheshuffledtooneofthestoolsattheislandandsettledintooneoftheseatsbeforeopeningthePyrexdish “Ooh,they’re stillwarm.”
“Justpulledthemoutoftheoven,”Iconfirmed,puttingastackofplatesawayinhercupboard.“Doyouwantmetomake coffee?”
“Ijustmadeafreshpot,sweetpea.Helpyourself.”
“Wouldyoulikeacupaswell?”
“Isafrog’sasswatertight?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I admitted, biting back a laugh as I pulled two mugs out of the dishwasher “I’m afraid my expertiseinamphibianbehaviorissadlylacking.”
Shegrinnedasshepeeledawaythemuffinlining.“Well,Icanconfirmit’swatertight.”
“Goodtoknow”Ipouredusbothacupofcoffee,thenwenttothefridgeforthecream OnceI’dpreparedourcaffeinefix,Ifinishedwiththedishes,thenjoinedherattheisland. “Ithinkyou’veoutdoneyourself,”Dottiesaid “Yeah?”
“Absolutely,”shesaid,poppinganotherbitofmuffinintohermouth “I’venevertastedabettermuffin” Igrinned,wrappingmyhandsaroundmymug.“Youaresogoodformyego,Dot.” “Justspeakingthetruth.”
“I’mgladyoulikethem I’llputtheminourregularrotation” “Oh,thatsoundslikeagoodidea.”
“I’mtryingoutanewchocolatecakerecipeforafterdinneronSunday IthasaBavariancreamfillingandaganacheicing Howdoesthatsound?”
“ItsoundslikeSunday’stoofaraway” Iletoutaquietsnort.“Youmightberight.”
Shesippedhercoffeebeforesnagginganothermuffin.“Whatareyouuptotoday?”
“Ihaveameetingatten,andthenclientworkfortherestoftheday Whataboutyou?”
“Ihaveacallintomydoctortogetanappointment.Areyousureyoucantakeme?”
“Absolutely YoumaketheappointmentandI’llworkaroundit” Shepattedmyhand.“You’rethebest.”
“I’mhappytohelp,lovely.Truly.”
Wechattedforanotherhalfanhourorso,butthenIneededtogethometoprepformymeeting.Withapromisetocheckin withherafterdinner,Ihuggedherandheadedbacktomyhouse,myphonebuzzingasIletmyselfinside.
“Well,hello,littlebrother,towhatdoIowethepleasure?”
“Can’tIjustcallmymuch oldersistertoshoottheshit?”Reedretorted.
Ichuckled,lockingmydoorbehindme.“Youaresuchanarsehole.”
“Thankyou.Idotry.”
“What’sup?”
“IwantedtoknowifIcouldborrowyourcrockpot.”
“Youwanttoborrowmycrockpot?”
“Yeah,guysarecomingovertowatchthegameonSundayandIthoughtI’dmakechili.”
“Youknowyoucanbuyoneforlessthanfifty-bucks,right?”
“Yeah,butthenIdon’thaveanexcusetoseemysister,”hecrooned.
“Ohmygod,you’relayin’itonreallythickthere,buddy.”
Helaughed “I’llbeoverintwenty”
“Okay,seeyouthen.”
Ihungupandwentaboutpullingmycrockpotoutofthecupboard
Twoweeks later, a knockatmyoffice door broughtJimholdinga bouquetofflowers Wildflowers to be exact, whichjust happenedtobemyfavorite.
Ipushedawayfrommydeskandrushedtogreethim “Hi,whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Takingmyfavoritedaughtertolunchforherbirthday.”
“Areyoucheckinguponme?”
I’dbeenhavingsomeissueswithnastyemails,somethreatening,frommyexandI’dmadethemistakeoftellingJimabout it.
“I’mwellawarethatyourmotherraisedanindependent,amazinghuman,soIdon’tneedtocheckuponher,butspending timewithmyfavoritedaughteronthedayofherbirthisoneofthemanythingsthatbringsmepleasure.”
“That’sareallygoodanswer,Dad”
“Ipracticedonthewayover,”heretorted.
Ichuckled.“Theproblemis,I’mnotsureIhavetimeforlunch.”
“Youcantakeanhourawaytoeat,honeybun.Gottawatchyourglucose.” Ismirked.“Well,ifit’samedicalemergency,howcanIsayno?”
“Exactly”
“Okay,letmegrabmybag.”
Hegrinnedfromear-to-ear “Yougotit”
“Doyouwantmetoputthoseinwater,Navy?”myassistant,Alisa,asked. Alisawasnew.She’dbeenwithmeaboutamonth,butshewasdoingagreatjob.Afewhiccupsalongtheway,butsofar, sogood.Sheseemedsweet,ifalittletimid,butIwasdeterminedtobringheroutofhershell.
“Oh,yes,please,thatwouldbegreat.”Ihandedhertheflowers.“Thankyou.Wewon’tbelong.”
Shesmiled “Takeyourtime Youdon’thaveanythingontheschedulethisafternoon” JimwaggledhiseyebrowsandIlaughed.“ThatdoesnotmeanIcantakeafourhourlunch.”
“Well,damn”
Islungmybagovermyshoulderandloopedmyarmwithhis.“Comeon,thesoonerwego,thelongerwecanchat.” Jimgrinnedandwalkedmeouttohiscar.“WhereamItakingyou?”
“MainStreetDeliisgreat It’sWednesday,sopastrami’sthespecialtoday” “Thisiswhyyou’remyfavorite.”
Weheadedthatwayandfoundaparkingspotrightoutside,soJimpaidthemeter,andwemadeourwaytothedoor Jimpulleditopen,butasIsteppedthrough,Iranintoawallofmuscle.“Ohmygod,I’msosorry,”Isaidatthesametime themanmuttered,“Shit,sorry” Iglancedupandnearlypassedout.
“Navy,”CadeWallacesaidonabreathygrunt.
Imanagedtostayonmyfeetbutcouldn’tregulatemyshockandburstintotears “Oh Um Wow” Holyhell,themanlookedgood.Thesame.Well,almostthesame.Hehadgreyinhisdarkhairnow,andafewmorelines aroundhiseyes,buttimereallyhadn’tchangedhim IswallowedconvulsivelyasItriedtogetmyselfincheck.
“Honeybun?”Jimwrappedanarmaroundmyshouldersandfrowned “Youknowthisman?” BeforeIcouldrespond,Iheard,“Whythehell’smysistercrying,andwhothefuckareyou?” Reedwasnowtwenty-twoandmoreprotectivethanJimwouldeverbe.HewasmyrideordieandIadoredhim. “Language,son,”Jimwarned
“Jesus,”CadehissedtowardReed. Cade’sirritationsurprisedme,andIsteppedback,closertomydad. “Sorry,Navy Didn’tmeantoscareyou,”Caderushedtosay “Youknowthisguy?”Reedasked. “Alongtimeago,”Iraspedwithanod “Seemslikealifetime,”Cadesaid,andIpressedmylipstogetherandtookafewdeepbreaths. “Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iaskedmybrother “I’msurprisingyouforlunch,”hesaid,huggingme. Jimsmiled.“Whydon’tReedandIgetatablewhileyoutwochat?” Reedstraightenedhisshoulders “Idon’twanttoleaveher ” “Reed,leaveyoursistertoherreunion,”Jimpressed.“She’snotgoingfar.” Ismiledatmylittlefamilyastheywalkedaway “Let’sstepoutside,”Cadesuggested,andInodded,followinghimoutthedoor. Ifishedatissueoutofmypurse,givingmyselfadistractionasIcontinuedtobringmyemotionstoheel “Jesus,youhaven’tchangedabit,”Cadesaid,drawingmyfocustohim. Ibitmylip.“Neitherhaveyou.”
“Howthehelldidyouenduphereofallplaces?IthoughtyouwereupinSeattle” “Jimhatedtheratraceofitall,sowemoveddownherewhenReedwasinmiddleschool.Hecouldstilldohisjobfrom herebuthaveabetterbalance Ifollowedafterlaw school anddon’tthinkIcouldliveanywhereelsenow It’ssomuchlike home.”
“You’realawyer?”
Inodded.“Discriminationattorney.”
Hesmiled.“Ofcourseyouare.That’sawesome,Navy.”
Iwipedmynoseandblushed “Sorry” “Don’tapologize,sweetheart,thisisashock.”
“Howaboutyou?”Iasked,tryingnottomeltathisendearment “Howdidyouenduphere?” “Longstory.Whydon’tItakeyoutodinnerandI’lltellit?” Ohgod,there’snowayIcoulddealwithdinner. “Um,Idon’tknow.”
Cadenarrowedhiseyes.“Yougotaman?”
“No,but ”
Heraisedaneyebrow.“Awoman?”
Isnorted “Ican’tkeepwomenasfriends,whatmakesyouthinkI’ddateone?”
Hechuckled.“That’snottrue.YougottightwithCeliaattheendthere,andyouhaveyourbestfriendinNewZealandstill, right?”
“Yes Cola”
Helaughed.“Right,Iwasgoingtosay‘Coke,’butIknewthatwasn’tright.” “Nicola,butI’venevercalledherthat”Ismiled “IstillhaveCeliatoo SheandIkeepintouch” “Ilikethat,Navy.”
“Metoo”
“Dinner,then.Tonight?”
“Ican’ttonight.” He studied me and Icouldn’ttake itfor more thana few seconds. “Okay, technicallyIcould tonight, I just ”
“Fuck,doyouhaveanyideahowmuchI’vemissedyou?” Icouldn’tstopstaringathim Iwantedtobelievehim,butsomuchtimehadpassedwithoutword “Youdidn’twriteback” Hefrowned.“Whatdoyoumean?” “Isentletters,buttheywereallreturned” “Wheredidyousendthem?” “Toyourparents’home.”
Hesighed “AfterDadgotsentup,weweremovingallovertheplace,thatdoesn’tsurpriseme” “Well,youcouldhavewrittentome,”Isaid,tearsfillingmyeyesagain.
“Couldn’t,”hesaid,gruffly,glancingathisboots “Wasn’tclean” “Youwereatwar,Cade.”
“Stillwasn’tclean.”
“Holyhell,Cade,youcouldhavestrangledpuppies,andIstillwouldhavereadyourletters.” Hechuckled.“Youaretheworstliar.”
“I am theworstliar.Nothinghas changedinthatregard.”Iwrinkledmynose.“AndIlovepuppies,so,yeah,Iprobably wouldhaveburnedyourletters.ButI’mnottooproudtosaythatImighthavereadthemfirst.”
HismouthtwitchedandIwasonceagaintalkingtomyotherbestfriendinthewholeworld “Didyouevergetadog?” Ishookmyhead.“MomneveralloweditandbythetimeIwasoldenoughtomakethatdecision,Iwasatschool,oranew job Itwasnevertherighttime”
“YougotyourphoneinthatMaryPoppinsbag?”
Mymouthgaped “ThisisnotasbigasMaryPoppins’bag” Hecockedhishead.“Close.”
“Whatever,Trevor.”Ipulledmyphoneoutandhandedittohim.“PutyournumberinandI’lltextyou.”
Hisfingersslidovermyscreen “Youjusttextedme”
“Sneaky,”Iretortedtakingmyphoneback.
Hiseyesboredintomine “Notlettingyouslipthroughmyfingersagain,Navy” Ishivered.“Don’tsaythingslikethat.”
Hisexpressiongrewdark “Baby,Ihavemissedyoulikeafuckin’fatkidmissescake” “That’salot,”Iwhispered.
“Yeah.Letmetakeyououtsowecancatchup.Ifyouneverwanttoseemeafterthat,I’llletyougo.”Hefrowned.“Iwon’t fuckin’likeit,butI’lldoit” Iblinkedbackevenmoretears.“Okay,Cade.Dinner.”
Hiswholebodyseemedtorelax,andhesmiledbeforeleaningdowntokissmycheek “I’llseeyoutonight” Iwatchedhimwalkaroundthebuildingbeforetakingafewdeepbreathsandheadingbackinside.
“Whowasthat?”ReeddemandedthesecondIgottothetable.
“Longstory,littlebrother.”
“Wasthattheboyyouwereclosewithinhighschool?”Jimasked.
Inodded “CadeWallace”
“Oh,shit,thatwashim?”Reedasked,asIopenedmymenu.“Youcriedforeveroverthatguy.”
ReedhadwalkedintomyroomonedaywhenIwashavingaseriouscryingjaganddemandedtoknowwhathadhappened Hewassix,soitwasn’tlikeIcouldtellhimeverything,butIdidtellhimalittlebitabouttheboyImissed.I’dfeltsodumb becauseithadbeenoversevenyearssinceI’dseenCade,butmyhearthadstillachedforhim.
“Yourememberthat?”Iasked.
“Hell,yeah,Iremember.IdecidedthatdayIwasn’tevergonnafallinlove.”
Isnorted “Well,you’vesucceeded”
“Don’tknockfallinginlove,Reed,”Jimsaid.“It’sthebestthingintheworld.”
“NotifitmakesyousadlikeNavyis”
“I’mnotsad,Reed.”
Herolledhiseyes.“Whateveryousay,sis.”
“NotalkofbeingsadonNavy’sbirthday,”Jimadmonished “Today’sahappyday Thedayshemadetheworldabetter placebybeingborn.”
Ismiled “Thanks,Dad”
“Well,thisistrue,”Reedsaidwithagrin.
Ifocusedonbeingfullypresentwithmyfamily,eventhoughmyhearthadamindofitsown Dinnercouldnotcomesoon enough.
