BREAKTHROUGHGUIDES for parents who have tried everything
Federica Brembati
Psychologist, psychotherapist, neuropsychologist, clinical educationalist, PhD in Educational Sciences.
Lecturer at the Catholic University of the Sacred Heart in Milan, lecturer on the Master’s programme in Psychopathology of Learning at the University of Padua, lecturer on the advanced course in Specific Learning Disorders and Wellbeing in School Settings at the University of Bergamo, and lecturer at the IRIS School of Psychotherapy in Milan.
Trainer for the Erickson publishing house.
Co-founder of Studio Abilmente in Cassano d’Adda, which specialises in neuropsychology and psychotherapy for children, adolescents and adults.
Presentation p. 7 Introduction p. 9
1. Homework is such a nightmare! / So... have you finished that blessed homework yet? p. 29
2. My head’s spinning... / How can you study with all this chaos? p. 49
3. What’s the rush? / Why do you always leave things to the very last minute? p. 69
4. I have to do it on my own! / When I’m helping you, at least listen to me... p. 89
5. My homework will never be good enough / Enough of this anxiety and perfectionism! p. 109
6. My homework is never-ending and impossible! / With a learning disability, you’ll never be able to do your homework on your own… p. 129
Questionnaires p. 155
Presentation BREAKTHROUGH GUIDES for parents who have tried everything
Have you already tried taking away their PlayStation? Restricting their mobile phone use, forbidding them from going out until they’ve finished their homework, or punishing them for yet another rude reply only to get another one in return? Have you repeated the same phrases a thousand times — ‘That’s enough!’ ‘You need to try harder’, ‘You’ll get nowhere like this’ — hoping that sooner or later they’d work? Have you already lost your patience, raised your voice, promised rewards and threatened punishments without getting the desired result? If you recognise yourself in even just one of these questions or statements, this series of quick guides is for you. Designed for parents who ‘have tried everything’, these books draw on the real-life experiences of the families the authors have encountered in their work and tackle, one by one, the most common parenting challenges of pre-adolescence: struggles to get started with homework, confusion, disorganisation, time management, procrastination, demotivation, and the daily conflicts that flare up over mobile phones and responsibilities. The starting point is particularly effective: a series of typical problematic situations, but told through two voices, that of the parent and that of the child. Two perspectives on the same scenario, often worlds apart. Bringing them into dialogue at last allows us to shift our perspective, to recognise the emotional experiences of boys
and girls, and to move beyond a simplified or even incorrect interpretation of the difficulties. These guides combine scientific rigour with practicality; the language is clear, accessible and action-oriented. They help you understand where the real problem lies, distinguish between what is simply part of growing up and what requires attention, recognise behaviours that fuel conflict, and identify new and more effective strategies. They do not offer universal solutions or rigid educational models. Instead, they offer flexible and practical tools: guiding questions, checklists, questionnaires, examples of dialogue, educational games and suggestions for family discussions. These tools are designed to be used in everyday life and to foster real, sustainable change, built together.
At the heart of it all lies a clear educational vision: problems are not merely obstacles to be overcome, but valuable opportunities to develop key skills for adult life, such as independence, planning, coping with frustration, a sense of responsibility and confidence in one’s own abilities. The parent’s role is not to take the child’s place, but to accompany them towards gradual independence.
The Quick Guides series speaks to today’s parents with respect, practicality and authenticity. Because when you feel you’ve tried everything, what you really need isn’t just another piece of generic advice, but a guide capable of making a real difference!
Introduction
Ugh, homework!
Useful or pointless, too little or far too much… the issue of homework sparks debates, arguments and disagreements in countless contexts: family members argue about it whilst gathered around the Christmas table; teachers and headteachers discuss it at staff meetings; psychologists, educationalists and philosophers debate it; but above all, parents argue amongst themselves, with their children and with teachers.
We have all experienced at least one school meeting where some parents complained about the excessive workload, whilst others raised their hands asking for more homework and a faster pace, thus sparking the famous conflict between the Guelphs and the Ghibellines.
Homework and studying become real problems and a source of conflict within the family, with desperate parents unable to manage their children’s homework due to their own personal, work and family commitments.
That’s exactly right! In the end, homework becomes the parents’ responsibility, and they slot it into their diaries just like a task assigned at work. To get their homework done,
However, who came up with them?
After spending endless afternoons studying with our son or daughter and spending whole nights preparing summaries for them, after arguing with them because It seems that homework was already a widespread and established practice in ancient Greece. Its invention is attributed to Isocrates, an Athenian teacher of rhetoric, who was the first to use homework assignments to hone his students’ logical and oratory skills. According to some sources, homework was introduced in Italy as a standard teaching and educational practice in 1905 by the teacher Roberto Nevilis. Some believe the original purpose of homework was to improve students’ learning, whilst others claim it was used as a form of punishment.
they give up the gym, coffee with friends and a game of padel. Helping their child with homework often becomes a necessity, and this contributes to creating a tense family atmosphere, fraught with frustration and dissatisfaction, partly because sons and daughters often fail to cooperate in making homework time a peaceful experience. This happens very frequently when there have been complications in their school career, when boys and girls have particular learning difficulties — for example, a specific learning disorder or an attention deficit disorder —, when they are defiant and unwilling to cooperate, or when the gaps in their knowledge accumulated over the years prevent them from working independently.
we’re too obsessed with homework, after having a row with our partner who accuses us of being too stressed and short-tempered after three hours of homework, and after being accused by our other child of only caring about their sibling’s homework, the icing on the cake arrives... it often happens that teachers call us in and tell us that our child’s results are poor, that they don’t bring their homework or materials, that they don’t make an effort, that they’re immature, that they get distracted in class, that they don’t participate and don’t pay attention in lessons.
We listen in silence and feel like schoolchildren –disoriented, worried and angry –not knowing what else to do. Anxiety begins to rise and overwhelm us and, as happens in situations where we feel under pressure and worried, our vision loses its clarity and we cannot see a way out. When we feel tired and overwhelmed, we tend to take an excessively pessimistic and dramatic view.
You have surely found yourself thinking things like: ‘ He’ll never manage it’, ‘We’re ruining the family over homework’, ‘He won’t have a decent future’, ‘He’ll fail’, ‘I’m not able to help him’… But precisely because these negative thoughts are shared by so many parents, we mustn’t feel alone: let’s start thinking instead that there are things we can do and thoughts that can help us improve the difficult and exhausting ‘homework mission’.
What is the point of homework??
What science tells us
So, are these homework assignments actually useful or not? What types of homework are actually useful for our children? And how should they be done to be truly meaningful? Let’s try to answer these questions by seeking guidance from the leading figures in psychology and education.
Jean Piaget, the undisputed father of developmental psychology, never spoke directly about the usefulness of homework, but devoted much of his research to understanding what type of task fosters new learning.
Learning does not take place so much through ‘repetition’ as through the active construction of meaning.
Piaget thus introduces a fundamental element into our discussion: certain tasks stimulate children’s cognitive development and help them acquire new skills. For this to happen, children must take the lead. Repetitive tasks may reinforce the memorisation of procedures or information, but they are not the ones that help children make what might be described as a genuine qualitative leap in their cognitive development. Lev Semënovič Vygotsky, the Russian psychologist and educationalist who devoted his life to the study of cognitive development, also emphasised on several occasions that tasks are only useful if designed in relation to the zone of proximal development: that is, if they help the student to acquire those abilities they do not yet possess but which are within their reach, in other words, to go beyond what they can do on their own.
The ideal task is the one that, in order to be solved, requires discussion and cooperation with others.
But let’s not blame poor Vygotsky for inventing those ‘muchhated’ group assignments! Group assignments – a practice that was extremely widespread and much loved in the 1980s and 1990s – currently have a very low approval rating for a number of reasons. The kids struggle to find a time to work together, both because they have more commitments than a head of state and because they’ve genuinely lost the habit of meeting up. Finding a place to meet is a problem because it seems as though the other parents live in a crystal palace and are busy saving the world every day, so the kids are always at our house! Let’s not forget that for students, achieving a sufficient level of collaboration, dividing up tasks, discussing ideas and working together often seem like unattainable goals. This does not, however, detract from the fact that Vygotsky had brilliant insights and that the ability to work in a group is now recognised as a vital life skill, a fundamental factor for professional and personal fulfilment in adult life.
John Dewey, an American philosopher and educationalist, revolutionised the concepts of pedagogy and education at the turn of the 20th century, emphasising the importance of experience as the driving force behind learning. Dewey founded his first Laboratory School in Chicago because he firmly believed that every theoretical pedagogical model should be tested in practice. It was precisely within the context of the Laboratory School that he defined the characteristics of the ‘useful task’.
For a task to be effective in fostering learning, it must be engaging and relevant to the everyday lives of children and young people.
Dewey proposed the ‘learning by doing’ model, placing practical, hands-on experiences at the heart of children’s learning process and the tasks themselves.
Taking a look at the thinking of the pioneers of pedagogy and developmental psychology has helped us to reflect on the concept of the ‘task’ and the characteristics it should possess in order to foster learning. In classical pedagogy, a ‘task’ refers to a specific exercise which, when carried out under certain conditions, stimulates processes of reasoning and thought, enabling children to reach new stages of cognitive development over time. We can therefore conclude that there are different types of tasks: some are more effective than others at stimulating improvements in our children’s skills and learning profiles. Consequently, there are certainly tasks that are both useful and important. Neuroscience also confirms that exercising the minds of our young learners is both beneficial and necessary, because the brain is a plastic organ in which every form of cognitive stimulation has an impact on our neural circuits, altering them and compensating for any difficulties. If, however, after these digressions into the fields of education and science, we return to our everyday lives, we continue to ask
ourselves: are homework assignments, as we understand them today, useful? Guided by the wisdom of the founding fathers of pedagogy, we might answer that some homework is useful because it fosters new learning, whilst other tasks do not generate new skills and do not stimulate cognitive reasoning… This does not rule out the possibility that they may have their own specific and distinct purpose, such as facilitating the acquisition of automatic responses and procedures.
Reflecting on the value of homework requires, above all, a preliminary consideration of the significance we attach to our children’s educational and learning journey. School plays a vital role in the development and education of our young students, a role that is all too often underestimated. School should provide the tools to understand the world around us, offer opportunities to learn and explore, and instil curiosity and the principles of citizenship: it is a vital training ground for building social relationships and developing life skills that will prove useful throughout life.
In a nutshell, the role of school is to teach our sons and daughters how to learn.
Learning to learn is a wonderful yet highly complex skill that must be acquired gradually through various stages, taking into account the different approaches and rates of development that each individual experiences. Homework could serve as an initial context in which every pupil begins to independently explore their own ability to learn. From these reflections, it is easy to deduce that the family’s role in homework should be peripheral precisely because, in the learning process, homework is a first step towards autonomy.
The family’s role should primarily focus on organisation, planning and taking responsibility for the task at hand.
With this in mind, parents should not view homework as their own duty or responsibility, but: organise your day and family commitments, bearing in mind that your child needs time and space to focus on their studies and complete their homework; to emphasise the importance of academic commitment and culture; encourage and motivate; to help and support when needed.
But it is clear and obvious that, if we are reading this book, this description does not reflect our family’s relationship with homework. We therefore need to find alternative solutions and ways of working that ensure greater well-being for everyone. When thinking about our child’s schoolwork, it is important that we change our perspective and redefine the objective, which is very often mistakenly and simplistically equated with our child turning up at school with their homework done. We will discover that, through homework, our children have the opportunity to develop important skills: gaining greater independence and confidence, learning to plan and organise their work and commitments, developing new abilities and skills, becoming reliable and responsible individuals, and understanding when they need help and how to ask for it.
In short, homework is an important opportunity to acquire essential skills that will prove useful throughout life, but, like any opportunity, we must know how to make the most of it. We hope that, through the pages of this book, we can transform homework from a form of torture into a genuine opportunity.
When you need a helping hand
If you are reading this book, homework has probably become a daily struggle, a source of arguments, stressful moments and negative thoughts. These moments of despair, as natural as they are disorienting, are fortunately short-lived, and it is precisely in our moments of greatest clarity that we must try to believe that there is an alternative approach to the one we are currently using – one that could bring us better results and, above all, greater peace of mind and well-being. In the following pages, we will explore new strategies and approaches together, and we will also identify different ways of interpreting our son’s or daughter’s behaviour so that we can find our way out of this difficult situation together. The prerequisite for making a change is recognising that the current situation has become a problem, that it is a source of distress, and that it does not guarantee we will achieve the goals we have set ourselves. Change begins with a clear analysis of the situation we wish to change: this involves observing and reflecting on our own limitations and resources, those of our son or daughter, and the wider family and school environment.
There are four key elements that can help us be good tutors and provide effective support with studying — perhaps not on a full-time basis, as we also need to set aside time
simply to be good enough parents:
1. time
2. competence
3. flexibility
4. awareness
Time
In order to help and support our son or daughter with their homework, we need to have time –time that is sufficient in both quality and quantity.
There’s no point hoping that he or she will sit down and study with us, with any real commitment, during the one half-hour of the day that we’ve managed to carve out with such difficulty. At that moment, they’ll surely say they’re hungry, thirsty, need to reply to a message, or have something to tell us... and this will get on our nerves, we’ll argue and, if it’s really a bad day, we might end up saying hurtful things we’ll regret the moment they leave our mouths. Similarly, it might not be very productive to help them whilst we’re working from home or preparing dinner. If, in order to help them, we have to give up our only free time of the week or our only hobby, we easily run the risk of reacting impulsively to their uncooperative attitude. If we don’t have enough quality time to devote to them and they need help, it’s important to be aware of this and, if necessary, seek external support for certain
subjects or for the days and times of the week when we are busy.
Competence
To support someone effectively with their studies, good intentions alone are not enough; you also need a certain level of expertise in the subject in question. If, for example, we have always hated maths, never understood it, and it still leaves us feeling frustrated, perhaps it isn’t a good idea to sit down with our child to help with their algebra homework. We would probably be much more helpful if we studied epic poetry with them – a subject we’ve always been passionate about
Being a parent and wanting to help our children at school doesn’t necessarily mean we have to know everything!
If there is a specific difficulty (SLD, ADHD), it is essential to observe our son or daughter closely and gain a clear understanding of their strengths and weaknesses. In such cases, it is very helpful to arrange regular meetings with the specialists who have been involved in their diagnostic process, so that they can advise us on appropriate strategies and effective approaches tailored to their individual needs.
Flexibility
Given that flexibility is the key trait needed to navigate
pre-adolescence and adolescence, we will now focus on the cognitive flexibility required to tackle schoolwork and study. Before embarking on any educational activity with our child, we must recognise that their cognitive style is likely very different from our own and that their approach to studying will probably be different too. This means they are not a student in our image; they will not study as we did, they will not appreciate our method of underlining, and they will not create mind maps in the same way we did.
Our job is to help him or her find the methods and strategies that work best for them (assuming, of course, that they won’t be the same as ours).
It also means respecting their own pace: homework is their responsibility, not ours, and they should be free to choose when to do it – provided, of course, that they eventually get round to it, and above all that they make that choice in the knowledge that there will be times during the day when they can count on our help, and times when they cannot.
Awareness
Having a realistic view of ourselves as parents and of our son or daughter as a student, or understanding the limitations and strengths of both, is far from easy, especially during that transformative phase known as adolescence. Is the image we have of our son or daughter similar to that conveyed to us by teachers (and specialists), or do we have distortions when observing them – distortions that are, moreover, often impossible to avoid? Do we see them as more or less capable than others do? Do we protect them too much or, on the contrary, expose them too much?
When it comes to our role, we need to stop and consider whether we are able to support them with their studies and homework without damaging our relationship with them.
Above all, we must ask ourselves whether we know how to handle difficult moments without erupting into painful and damaging conflicts. Understanding our limitations will help us to address our shortcomings and adopt a more constructive attitude. At the end of the chapter, you will find some guiding questions that will enable you to observe these aspects more closely and perhaps with greater objectivity within your family and in your relationship with your son or daughter, as well as an ‘exercise’ to bring out their point of
view and a simple observation tool to better articulate your perception of them in relation to their studies.
The structure of the book
The book is divided into six chapters, each of which describes a typical situation, behaviour or difficulty linked to general struggles with studying and doing homework:
1. a lack of motivation, commitment and ‘enthusiasm’ when it comes to tackling homework (Homework’s such a slog! / Have you done this blessed homework yet?);
2. confusion and disorganisation (My head’s spinning... / How can you study with all this chaos?);
3. procrastinating on tasks (What’s the rush? / Why do you always leave it to the last minute?);
4. the difficult balance between independence and asking for help (I have to do it on my own! / When I help you, at least listen to me...);
5. school anxiety (My homework will never be good enough / Enough with this anxiety and perfectionism!);
6. studying with a learning disability (My homework is endless and impossible! / With a learning disability, you’ll never manage to do your homework on your own...).
In the chapter titles, we have juxtaposed two ‘summary’ statements: the child’s perspective and the parent’s. What might our son (or daughter) be thinking at that moment? And what, on the other hand, is going through our minds as parents? In this way, we can begin to gain a clearer picture of what is happening, what we have done so far to deal with this situation… and what hasn’t worked (Have you tried everything yet?). We then present some hypotheses (Let’s work out together where the problem lies): what might be
underlying the behaviour we’re seeing? What triggers the problem that ruins our afternoons? How can we ‘break it down’?
We then suggest some practical tips, simple observation tools or games to play as a family (Let’s Try Together), and alternative approaches to tackle – in a different, and perhaps more constructive way – the problem we have come to understand better. At the end of the book, linked to the individual chapters, you will also find Questionnaires aimed at young people. These are not, of course, diagnostic tests claiming scientific reliability or rigour, but they offer the chance to explore with them the reasons behind various difficulties related to schoolwork, and to gather their perspectives directly. In the following pages, for the sake of readability and practicality, we will use the masculine form to refer, in general, to boys and girls, sons and daughters, and male and female students. The examples we provide and the reflections we make apply equally to both genders… as well as to both parents!
What’s the rush?
Why do you always leave things to the very last minute?
Procrastinating
Different perspectives on the issue
My son has a serious problem with time. He always replies, ‘I’ll do it later’, but by the time he gets round to it, it’s already too late. And that’s when the trouble starts…
My mum stresses me out; she’s like a jackhammer: every time she looks at me, she has to tell me to do something. She’s obsessed with things being done WHEN and HOW she decides!
Have you already tried them all??
You rang her at work after lunch to remind her to start studying, and her reply was: ‘Mum, chill out! I’ll be done in two minutes...’ When you arrive for dinner… she’s only just started! And, of course, she’s in a right state.
You’ve told him a thousand times to study in good time… there’s a geography test tomorrow, he’s got 20 pages to revise, and he even wants to go to swimming training. But this time he’s skipping it!
Helping them improve their ability to organise their own work without neglecting their commitments and interests is a goal that is as important as it is difficult to achieve. Sometimes it seems as though our children don’t even know what time is.
They’re always running late when getting ready to go out; they think they can finish long, complex homework assignments in 10 minutes, or, on the contrary, they worry that the whole afternoon won’t be enough to study half a page of history.
At other times, however, we suspect that behind the apparent disorganisation lies a calculated and strategic laziness…
Let’s work out together where the problem lies
1. Perhaps the problem lies… in pre-adolescence!
To look at our children’s tendency to procrastinate and their inability to plan ahead without immediately losing our patience, we need to take a deep breath and bear in mind their age: they are pre-teens, and it is precisely at this stage of development that they begin to see themselves as ‘actors’ in their own lives. They begin to imagine worlds, scenarios and possible futures, extending their thinking beyond the present and their direct experience. They start to think abstractly, linking various lines of reasoning together in their minds. They are approaching that logical thinking essential for making plans, designing and hypothesising about the future. It is a complex skill that boys and girls are now beginning to practise.
Sometimes they can surprise us (in a good way), whilst at other times their assumptions and plans (which seemed indisputable and logically watertight in their minds) come crashing down when they come up against reality.
Time management and organisation are two important life skills that need to develop during pre-adolescence; they are not expected to have already been acquired and established. Not knowing how to organise oneself and trying to put off homework and study are common and normal behaviours at the age of 11. Being responsible and punctual in meeting deadlines, and planning and organising one’s commitments, are important skills that begin to develop at this stage of their lives, but which will only be perfected over time… Piaget warns us not to expect this before the age of 15!
What science tells us
According to Piaget, the undisputed father of developmental psychology, boys and girls aged around 11 or 12 transition from a form of reasoning known as concrete operational thinking – which is based primarily on concreteness and reality-based learning – to a form of reasoning known as formal operational thinking, which involves abstraction and logic. It is precisely during pre-adolescence that children learn to think about the future, to consider different scenarios with various possible solutions, and begin to make choices and plans. Above all, they begin to anticipate and understand, on a logical level, the consequences of certain actions and behaviours, using ‘if… then’ reasoning.
2. What if it’s a case of anxiety?
There are, however, some young people who are more prone to procrastination than others; they are masters at putting off tasks and responsibilities, and live their lives by the motto ‘don’t do today what you can do tomorrow’.
Anxiety is often the driving force behind procrastination, which effectively becomes a strategy for avoidance.
Avoiding a task we fear we cannot do perfectly, or skipping a difficult exercise, gives us an immediate, albeit fleeting, sense of relief. If, instead of facing twenty pages of study material that seem incredibly difficult, we decided to play a video game, we would feel an immediate sense of relief. Obviously, this feeling is fleeting because the task does not vanish into thin air, but remains there, immovable and unchanging, waiting for us. But, at least for the moment, we are safe…
3. In some cases, putting things off (in the end) is actually an advantage!
Psychology teaches us something very important: if a person frequently exhibits a certain behaviour, it means that behaviour is beneficial to them. But… what about in this case?
How can dysfunctional behaviour that causes family arguments, conflicts and threats of terrible punishments (which we usually don’t actually carry out) possibly be beneficial?
Let’s look at an example to understand which aspects might seem convenient to a pre-teen, who obviously lacks the depth of thought and foresight of an adult.
The truth is that, deep down, we believe our child’s homework is also our own. If they leave everything to the last minute, we feel cornered and compelled to intervene: to help them, to prevent them from making a fool of themselves, or to avoid appearing as uninterested parents in the eyes of their teachers.
By doing so, however, we do not allow them to experience the consequences of their actions, or to develop the logical reasoning they are forming at this stage of their growth— what Piaget calls ‘if… then’: ‘If I don’t start the homework in good time, then I’ll find myself doing it in a rush, poorly, with
Example
Let’s imagine that at 10 pm, after an endless day of work and family commitments, our son shows us an Italian homework exercise, which he has only just completed following a lot of shouting and screaming. Objectively speaking, it’s poorly done. Would we show the same diligence as we would have if he’d shown it to us at 4 pm, or might our legitimate and understandable desire to get the day over with get the better of our thoroughness? Or again: if a book report were due in 15 days and our son confessed to us now that he hadn’t read a single page, we would probably offer suggestions and advice on how to complete the task whilst making up for lost time, and this advice would imply effort and commitment. If, on the other hand, the report were due tomorrow, the advice would certainly be different.
difficulty, skipping activities I enjoy, etc.’ Instead, we end up encouraging this kind of reasoning in them:
If I leave everything until the last minute, they help me a bit, let me do things my own way, and doing my homework becomes quicker and less stressful.
Having asked ourselves whether we might be making procrastination even more appealing, let’s also ask this: once the tasks were finished, did we really allow them to enjoy their free time? Did we praise them? Or did we ask them to get ahead with their work or tidy their room, given that they had nothing else to do? These are perfectly legitimate requests, but when made at this moment, they trigger another thought:
What’s
the
point of having worked ‘on time’ if, instead of relaxing or having fun, I have to start something even more boring?
4. What if the problem isn’t entirely
his/her fault?
What if our constant conflicts with our son/daughter over time management stemmed from a problem of ‘our own’? What if he were a chronic procrastinator and we were
What science tells us
Some of the issues we have outlined so far may also be linked to difficulties with executive function and attention, which are typical characteristics of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). In this case, there are certain warning signs to look out for.
In children with ADHD, we observe a very high level of distractibility, which makes it difficult for them to pay attention even to interesting and motivating stimuli.
We are witnessing a marked and extreme tendency to jump haphazardly and disorganisedly from one stimulus to another, from one activity to another.
In some children, significant signs of hyperactivity and impulsivity are observed.
It is important to emphasise that all children display some traits typical of ADHD, but in those with the condition, these aspects are so pronounced, intense and pervasive that they significantly impair daily life and academic performance. In this case, it is advisable to seek a course of consultation and psychodiagnostic assessment that can help interpret and understand their difficulties.
Even if this were the case and it were indeed a form of disorder, this does not mean that nothing can be done, but rather that, in order to implement effective educational interventions, it is first necessary to have a clear picture of the situation and guidance from competent experts.
nagging early birds? To explore this possibility, let’s try to guide ourselves with a few questions. Please note: this exercise works best if both parents are involved… and if the answers are given in complete honesty!
1. Do they always put off doing their homework, or are they sometimes on time?
2. Do they always leave it until the last minute, and would they be unable to meet deadlines without our help?
3. Do they put off everything, or just certain types of homework or subjects?
4. Do they also put off things they enjoy or want to do?
Now let’s move on to our behaviors:
Are we always early?
Do we want everything to be ready long before it is useful and necessary?
Do we feel anxious about the possibility of not finishing what we have to do?
Is our motto «Better before than after», or «Away with the tooth, away with the pain»?
Do we feel anxious if we have a lot to do?
Perhaps, the same anxiety that pushes our son/daughter to postpone, pushes us to do everything right away…
In this case, it would be essential to identify a halfway point, becoming aware that starting from the same emotion (anxiety), we implement opposing strategies that are difficult to reconcile.
Let’s sum up…
So, what do you make of this? Where do you think his tendency to put off commitments and tasks stems from, specifically?
1. Is it down to his stage of development?
2. Anxiety?
3. Or the fact that, deep down, it’s a strategy that works?
4. Or does it depend, at least in part, on how we manage our own commitments and on our general attitude?
In this case too, filling in Questionnaire 3, ‘What’s the rush?’, may give you some further food for thought.
B p. 160
Questionario 3 Ma che fretta c’è?
1. All’inizio del pomeriggio guardo i compiti che devo svolgere e cerco di organizzarmi, ma non sempre riesco a rispettare i tempi che mi ero prefissato
2. Posticipo soprattutto i compiti difficili
3. Anche se lascio i compiti per l’ultimo momento riesco sempre a finire tutto con qualche aiuto extra della mamma e del papà
4. Se facessi i compiti quando vorrebbero i miei, sarei sempre troppo in anticipo
5. Quando penso a un compito o a un esercizio, mi sembra sempre tutto così lungo e complesso che mi blocco e non riesco a iniziare
6. Se mi portassi avanti con lo studio e i compiti in autonomia sarebbe solo tempo sprecato, perché i miei genitori mi farebbero di certo approfondire e rifare qualcosa: meglio tirarla per le lunghe e farli una volta sola
7. Provo spesso ad appuntare sul calendario verifiche e interrogazioni, ma a volte mi dimentico di segnarli e altre volte di guardare il calendario
8. Non capisco perché i miei genitori si lamentano e mi chiedono sempre di portarmi avanti quando in realtà arrivo sempre in tempo
9. Riesco a mettere impegno e organizzazione solo quando mi sento bravo in una disciplina, se mi sento insicuro non riesco a iniziare a studiare
10. I compiti che secondo i miei genitori sono fatti male e disordinati, solitamente ai professori vanno benissimo
vero falso
What to do
Let’s tackle the issue with him, head-on. Let’s ask questions that help him think about time, for example: ‘How long do you think it will take you to study history?’; ‘We’re going out at 8 pm – how long do you need to get dressed and wash? What time do you need to start getting ready?’; ‘Shall we make a pizza for dinner? What time do we need to start kneading the dough?’; ‘What time does the film you’re going to see at the cinema start? So, what time shall we leave to pick up your friends?’
Let’s give them independence: let’s allow them the chance to make mistakes, to not finish on time or to arrive late.
Let’s get teachers involved by letting them know about the work we’re trying to do!
What to avoid
• Let’s not impose our own ways of working or our own timetable.
• Let’s not dictate the pace and rhythm of their day.
• Let’s not keep repeating the same things: the more we do so, the less they’ll listen to us!
• Let’s not threaten them with punishment, but let them experience the inevitable consequences of their lack of planning.
• Let’s not turn into Jiminy Cricket: let’s not overwhelm them with advice and reproaches.
Let’s try together
As parents, we have devoted countless hours and a great deal of effort to trying to pass on to our son or daughter the strategies and working methods that have worked for us, but very often without any noticeable results. What can we do to help them improve their organisational and time-management skills? First of all, we need to consider three key steps:
1. In order to bring about change, there must be an awareness that there is a problem; in other words, he must be convinced that the way he manages his time is causing him numerous disadvantages and difficulties. Together with him, note down on a piece of paper or in a table how many times a week he fails to finish his work, and how his procrastination causes him to miss events he cares about or triggers arguments within the family. This helps to view situations objectively!
2. To apply a strategy, it must first be learnt, practised and, finally, the person must be able to use it independently.
3. The application of the strategy must also be beneficial to the person implementing it.
Once we have clarified these three points, we can put in place some strategies to help them improve the planning and organisation of their school and extracurricular commitments.
The planner
Let’s create a weekly schedule: the aim is to clearly set aside and define the time to be devoted to studying.
1. First of all (yes, really!), let’s add his extracurricular activities.
2. Based on these, let him decide for himself when is the best time to do his homework and study.
3. Let’s also add slots to the calendar when he could get help from his parents or a tutor.
4. Help them fill in the grid, leaving three one-hour slots for homework: if managed well, these should be more than enough!
5. Remember that it’s useful to alternate work with breaks: you could plan for 25 minutes of study and 5 minutes’ break, or 50 minutes of study and 10 minutes’ break.
6. Leave some emergency slots for days when there is an unusually heavy workload or they need to study for an important test.
The main advantage of using this schedule should be, first and foremost, to avoid those long daily arguments about when to start studying, because it has already been agreed and set by them.
When drawing up the weekly schedule, we must of course take into account family routines, but also your child’s preferences: there’s no rule saying it’s better to do homework on a Saturday rather than a Sunday, or in the early afternoon rather than the late afternoon! If your child, like many preteens, insists on wanting to study after dinner, try letting them get on with it (provided they leave you in peace on the sofa to watch a TV series or read a good book with a cup of chamomile tea…). Below is a sample student planner. We’ve included three extracurricular activities (in his case, swimming, music and hip hop), set aside three daily slots for homework, and left some blank spaces for free time and to fit in any extra homework or study sessions during busier school periods.
Let’s remember that this is a planner for a pre-teen, not a career manager!
There must be plenty of downtime, during which they’ll sometimes waste time and potter about the house, whilst at other times they’ll develop their interests, forge important social bonds, shape their personality and — why not? — occasionally make a right mess of things!
Checklist
To see whether introducing a schedule is proving effective or whether changes need to be made, we suggest using a table. Fill it in with your child for a week before you start implementing the schedule, so that they realise that their ‘procrastination’ is a problem. Then fill it in for the first three to four weeks. Reward both yourself and your child for the improvements made, discuss your different perspectives, and always remember that the fact that they differ is an excellent opportunity to exchange views and deepen your mutual understanding. Here is an example of how to structure it (to be continued with the other days of the week).
The column marked with the letter P should be completed by the parents, and the one marked with the letter C by the children.
Level of difficulty in starting tasks (on a scale of 1 = very low to 5 = very high)
Level of conflict during the afternoon (on a scale of 1 = very little to 5 = very high)
Percentage of assignments/study completed within the agreed timeframe
Quality of the work carried out
Did you have to miss out on planned activities because of ‘procrastination’ (e.g. not doing sport so you could finish your homework)?
Not just homework! Tokens
Change is challenging, and changing the way you work and organise your day is very tiring. For this reason, it might be helpful, at least initially, to establish a system of positive reinforcement to be awarded each day that the work schedule is followed.
This method is called the token economy and involves you giving your child a token every day they stick to the schedule, with ‘point-based rewards’ that they can claim once they have collected the required number of tokens. For example, an evening at the arcade might be worth 7 tokens, a comic book 4 tokens, and a trip to an amusement park 30 tokens.
Some of you are no doubt thinking that this is an educational strategy based on ‘blackmail’, which will not encourage the internalisation of a sense of duty and personal responsibility.
To convince you, I could tell you that its effectiveness has been proven by numerous studies; I could cite the experiments and research data, but perhaps it is more effective to tell you that the token economy mechanism applies to at least 90% of workers in the workplace, and in economic terms, it is called a salary!
Questionnaire 3
What’s the rush?
1. Early in the afternoon, I look at the tasks I need to do and try to get organised, but I don’t always manage to stick to the deadlines I’ve set myself
2. I tend to put off the difficult tasks in particular
3. Even though I leave my homework until the last minute, I always manage to get it all done with a bit of extra help from Mum and Dad
4. If I did my homework when my parents wanted me to, I’d always be finishing it far too early
5. Whenever I think about a task or an exercise, it always seems so long and complicated that I freeze up and can’t get started
6. If I got ahead with my studies and homework on my own, it would just be a waste of time, because my parents would definitely make me go over it again and redo something: better to drag it out and just do it once
7. I often try to note down tests and quizzes in my diary, but sometimes I forget to write them down and other times I forget to check the diary
8. I don’t understand why my parents complain and always ask me to get a move on when, in fact, I’m always on time
9. I can only muster the motivation and organisation to study when I feel confident in a subject; if I feel insecure, I can’t bring myself to start studying
10. The homework that my parents think is poorly done and messy is usually just fine with the teachers
11. I try my best to keep track of and organise my commitments, but it’s not going well
12. The fact that the professor is overly critical and a real perfectionist puts me off 13. If I had 100 free hours a day, my parents would make me spend them all studying
The answers to questions 1, 7 and 11 relate to the developmental aspects of this stage: the difficulties you are observing may be linked to traits typical of pre-adolescence.
Answers 2, 5, 9 and 12 help to understand the role that anxiety might play in shaping your son’s or daughter’s tendency to procrastinate.
Answers 3, 6 and 13 highlight how putting things off and constantly leaving things to the last minute might actually be an advantage for him or her.
Answers 4, 8 and 10 draw attention to the value – perhaps a little excessive – that we as parents place on being punctual and having everything under control: is it possible that this, in some way, exaggerates our perception that he or she is a ‘serial procrastinator’?
