www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 8 December 2014 Issue 1303 Free
The Independent Voice Of Newcastle Students
Est 1948
2
News
Monday 8 December 2014
News Editors: Charlie Dearnley, Antonia Velikova and Kate Dewey Online News Editor: Mark Sleightholm courier.news@ncl.ac.uk | @TheCourier_News
thecourieronline.co.uk/news
NEWS
Harm reduction tips handed out to clubbers
- Roy L. Smith
COMMENT
9 CULTURE
Haneburger
2014: A YEAR IN ARSE Also Osbourne’s new hairdo and the great Robbo milk robbery
18 21 32
FASHION SHOOT
Who’s looking snappy under the arches this week
CHRISTMAS PULL-OUT The best culture of the year and the Fenwick window
In
DRUG SAFETY CAMPAIGN
Fashion
Santa’s Suits
Christmas jumpers are soon to become a thing of the past, according to some in the fashion industry. Their replacement? Christmas suits. Inspired by the most garish and gaudy wrapping paper designs, online retailer OppoSuits believes they could be set to take the Christmas fashion industry by storm. OppoSuits are keen to stress that the suits are high quality and not “some sort of disposable fancy dress costume.” The suits should be wrapped carefully, however, to ensure that the recipient of such a thoughtful gift can tell the difference between present and paper TheUglySweaterShop
CHRISTMAS SCIENCE
Jellyfish-powered glowing trees and more
Tony Terror
For those (un)fortunate enough to receive one, this year’s Christmas Card from Tony and Cherie Blair has raised a few eyebrows due to... Tony’s raised eyebrows. The former prime minister is positively grimacing as his wife appears to be restraining him in the feeble festive offering. The card has inspired a plethora of parodies, with many on Twitter wondering how bad the other photos taken must have been if the Blair’s decided this was the best. A #BlairChristmasCardChallenge has begun, for people to pretend that they are as photogenic as the happy couple.
ix
4 5
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”
Politics
m
SU Council votes to pressure Uni to divest from fossil fuels
e h t
Wise words:
FOSSIL FREE BOOST
The Courier
Black Friday
Back to Black Up to a third of the goods bought on Black Friday have since been sent back, parcel delivery firm CollectPlus reveals. Unsurprisingly, many customers returned home after a manic day of shopping to realise that they didn’t actually want all that they had bought, and parcel returns have risen. The day saw dramatic scenes of shoppers fighting over the best deals, but now that the dust has settled many customers have decided they didn’t want five TVs after all.
NUSU, King’s Walk, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE1 8QB. Tel: 0191 239 3940
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Emily North
Mark Sleightholm
Celebrity
Gangnam Fail
Psy’s got a nice Christmas present – two years after becoming the most watched YouTube video ever, ‘Gangnam Style’ has clocked up so many views YouTube can’t keep up. The view counter was only designed to count to the perfectly logical number of 2,145,483,647, and somewhere in the world somebody decided this wasn’t enough and watched the video again. YouTube saw this coming, however, and have now extended their counter so that from now on YouTube videos can be watched over nine quintillion times, or 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 to be exact. Considering there is only six billion people on the planet, and the K-pop craze was over two years ago, Psy might have a while to wait before he reaches this new target Eva Rinaldi
Crime
Brain Shortage
There was a serious brain shortage in the Deep South this week, when Texas University reported 100 brains missing. The brains had been given to the University from a nearby hospital for research, but were now no longer there. The University initially blamed students wanting Halloween decorations or perhaps gruesome Christmas presents, but it has since been discovered that the brains were disposed of twelve years ago because they were not in a good enough condition for research.
Aspiration
Child Chief
Many children would like to go to Lapland for Christmas, but one 10-year-old girl from Lapland would prefer to run her local council. Mili Kasurinen saw the position advertised in the local paper and decided to apply, developing her own policy ideas. If she gets the job she says she will focus on economic, educational and environmental issues. She is only asking for half of the advertised salary since she would be available to work part-time: she says, “After finishing my school work I’d run down to the town hall and start working hard there too.”
Editor Tom Nicholson News Editors Charlie Dearnley, Antonia Velikova, Kate Dewey and Mark Sleightholm Comment Editors Victoria Armstrong, Matt Corden and Ruth Davis Culture Editor Kate Bennett Lifestyle Editors Tom Tibble, Annie Lord, Jack Dempsey and Holly Suttle Fashion Editors Amy O’Rourke, Hannah Fitton and Hannah Goldstein Beauty Editors Charlotte Davies, Charlotte Maxwell and Kathy Davidson Arts Editors Becka Crawshaw, Lucy Chenery and Jess Harman Film Editors David Leighton, Rosie Bellini and Lucas Fothergill Music Editors Jamie Shepherd, Dominique Daly and Chris Addison TV Editor Helen Daly, Ellie Mclaren and Rebecca Dooley Gaming Editors Sophie Baines and Ben Tyrer Science Editors Penny Polson, Laura Staniforth and Jack Marley Sports Editors Jonty Mawer, Peter Georgiev, Huezin Lim and Josh Nicholson Copy Editors Megan Ayres and Emma Broadhouse
World Economic Forum
Christmas
Tree-o de Janeiro The world’s largest Christmas tree is currently floating in a lagoon in the centre of Brazil’s second largest city. At 85 metres tall the tree-shaped structure is to be lit up every night over the Christmas period and has become a major tourist attraction. Fake plastic trees have become a Christmas tradition in Rio, but this year’s offering is bigger than ever. The lighting ceremony for the festive floater featured fireworks and attracted thousands of people. russavia
The Courier is printed by: Print and Digital Associates, Fernleigh House, 10 Uttoxeter Road, Derby, Derbyshire, United Kingdom, DE3 0DA. Established in 1948, The Courier is the fully independent student newspaper of the Students’ Union at Newcastle University. The Courier is published weekly during term time, and is free of charge. The design, text, photographs and graphics are copyright of The Courier and its individual contributors. No parts of this newspaper may be reproduced without the prior permission of the Editor. Any views expressed in this newspaper’s comment pieces are those of the individual writing, and not of The Courier, the Students’ Union or Newcastle University.
The Courier
news.3
Monday 8 December 2014
“Black lives matter; all lives matter”: student protestors rally in solidarity with Ferguson
BLACK LIVES MATTER: Members of Newcastle University Feminist Society were joined by other students for their demonstrations in solidarty with Ferguson. Images: Craig Dingwall
By Craig Dingwall Newcastle University students united last week in protest of the current situation in Ferguson, Missouri and to raise awareness of striking cases of racial inequality both in the US and the UK. Newcastle University’s Feminist Society organised events last week to demonstrate students’ support for the protesters in Ferguson. The Society describes itself as intersectional and advocates equality and justice for all people, regardless of gender, age, race, sexuality or nationality. “We recognise that there are many different ways in which people can be discriminated against,” said Jess Poyner, Society Secretary and a member of the protest planning committee. Students carried out two peaceful protests, one outside the Students’ Union on Tuesday and the other at St Thomas the Martyr’s Church on Thursday. Students carried out two peaceful protests, one outside the Students’ Union on Tuesday and the other at St Thomas the Martyr’s Church on Thursday. Civil unrest on a global scale was sparked by Michael Brown’s shooting on 9 August this year. Following a
Grand Jury decision not to indict Darren Wilson, protests exploded in Ferguson and other parts of the US. They targeted racial prejudice in the American justice system, media coverage and police force. The ‘Hands Up, Don’t Shoot’ protest took place outside of Newcastle University’s Students’ Union on Tuesday
general public. Students engaged passers-by aged 18 to 68 in discussions of police brutality, racial inequality and the Michael Brown case specifically. The group also repeated volleys of chants heard in Ferguson: “Hands up, don’t shoot”, “Black lives matter, all lives matter” and “No justice, no peace.” Encouragement and support was of-
“Students lay still on the ground for four and a half minutes, to represent the four and a half hours Michael Brown’s body lay in the street” afternoon from one to three in the afternoon. Over thirty members of the Feminist Society and other groups turned out in force with placards and flyers to raise awareness of the events in Ferguson and of future events planned. The name of the protest echoes a chant used on a global scale and is a tribute to Michael Brown who, according to witnesses, was unarmed and had his hands up at the time when he was shot. During the protest, 500 flyers were handed out to students, staff and the
fered throughout the protest by passersby stopping to ask about the larger event that was scheduled to take place on Thursday. The demonstration also received generous support from the Students’ Union, who provided some much needed hot drinks to warm up the students involved after two hours standing in the crisp North East afternoon. The other event of the week, a ‘4.5 on the Ground’ vigil took place outside St Thomas The Martyr’s Church on Thursday at one in the afternoon. Students lay
still on the ground for four and a half minutes, to represent the four and a half hours Michael Brown’s body lay in the street. Jess Poyner presented a speech explaining the motivation behind the protests, reinforcing the message that “black lives matter”. When asked about the demonstrations, a spokesperson for Newcastle University, said: “Students have exercised their right to undertake peaceful protests and demonstrations to raise the profile of key global issues, and in doing so, our students are making an important contribution to public debate.” Newcastle University Feminist Society thank the Students Union, St Thomas’ and everyone who offered support. The two protests are estimated to have been witnessed by over 5000 people. The society is planning more events in the run up to Christmas and into the New Year. One of these is a screening of critically acclaimed Fruitvale Station, a film inspired by the shooting of another unarmed black man, Oscar Grant, in 2009. The event will also include a talk from a speaker yet to be announced, a discussion and a candlelight vigil in memory of all black victims of police violence.
All Lives Matter An extract from Jess Poyner’s speech
“When protesting and reading up on cases such as Eric Garner, it is important to remember that it is not just black men who are at risk of deadly racist discrimination, women, particularly black trans women are vulnerable to attack and the least likely to be reported on. We need fundamental changes in policing, such as education on racism, strict regulation of policing and a transparent complaints system so police are held accountable. “Moving to Newcastle has made me increasingly aware of my blackness and the fact that there are still so many in this country and across the world who, having been brought up under racist institutions will see that as a reason to exotify me or at worst attack me. My overwhelming emotion when following the Mike Brown case and the cases that followed it is fear.
“My overwhelming emotion when following the Mike Brown case and the cases that followed is fear” “Fear for my future children whose afro hair or brown skin they inherit from me will affect them negatively in the way that light skin, straight hair would not. Fear of the conversation I will have to have with them about racist individuals and racist institutions that will continue to discriminate against them. “And anger that white parents, the people that so need to be having these conversations with their children, will not bother or see it as an issue for them to tackle, as if the insidious racism within our country that devalues people of colour will not greatly affect the way they see the world. The truth is that we all need to tackle racism in this country. We all need to take responsibility for ensuring that we protect those that are prejudiced against through race, gender, sexuality and ability. One way we can do that is to share stories such as Mike Brown’s, support the community in Ferguson and crucially, diversify all media that you consume.”
4.news
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
£480,000 scholarship boost for postgrads and I am delighted that this scholarship scheme has enabled me to continue my 48 postgraduate students have benefited studies in Psychology. It has certainly from a new postgraduate scholarship eased a lot of pressure.” scheme, receiving £10,000 to fund their In addition, Jade is also a part of the studies. The programme is the first of its various employment support schemes kind in the North East. Newcastle University offers. “I am part The award aims to financially sup- way through the NCL+ award which port self-funding students from the UK gives me the chance to gain official Uniwho may not have been able to pursue versity and employer recognition for my further studies due to financial or fam- activities and achievements.” ily commitments. The newly initiated Ben Taylor, 23, pursuing a MSc deproject is part of the £25 million Higher gree in Environmental Marine ConsulEducation Funding Council for Eng- tancy shared a similar worry regarding land Postgradufunding and the “This scholarship has put relevance of a ate Support Scheme that was Degree me closer to my goal of Masters developed to in the employcontinuing on to a PhD ment field: “I test ways of supporting progreswould have degree next year.” sion into taught been a whole postgraduate education in England. year behind trying to find a career-relThanks to the successful funding evant temporary job. This scholarship scheme, the students have started their scheme has enabled me to continue to postgraduate studies across a range of train in the field that I want to pursue disciplines in Newcastle University. in my career.” Professor Suzanne Cholerton, Pro-ViceRyan Sewell, 22, arrived at Newcastle Chancellor for Learning and Teach- to study an undergraduate degree in ing at Newcastle University explained: Politics through the Newcastle Univer“Social mobility is one of the biggest sity supported entry route programme challenges facing the UK today and the PARTNERS. He is now about to pursue scholarships mean those students who MA International Studies and states the might have been deterred from follow- encouragement this opportunity has ing the best training for them because provided him, “This scholarship has put of a lack of funding can now do so at a me closer to my goal of continuing on to world-leading institution.” a PhD degree next year.” Jade Morrison, 23 is enrolled on The scholarship scheme is one elean MSc Psychology degree using the ment of a consortium project, Widenawarded scholarship. She pointed out ing Access to Postgraduate Study and the contemplation that most under- the Professions, with the universities of graduates have about pursuing a further Leeds, Manchester, Sheffield, Warwick education: “I did find the idea of fund- and York. ing another year of study quite daunting
By Ghangaa Mano
SCHOLARSHIP BOOST: Students celebrate the boost to funds. Image: Mike Urwin
Student Council votes to pressure Uni to divest from fossil fuels
just a political campaign. It’s a financial campaign.” He admitted that Fossil Free NewStudent Council passed a motion to castle had prepared thoroughly for support the Fossil Free campaign in lob- the meeting, even rehearsing possible bying the University to stop investing in questions they could get asked. Fossil the fossil fuel industry. 83% of Student Free Newcastle have been campaignCouncil members voted in support of ing on the issue of divestment for sevthe motion. eral months, and the aim of the Student Although Council motion was “It’s not just an ethical to provide them with the University currently campaign, it’s not just a a mandate to lobby supports varithe University into political campaign. It’s complying with these ous green initiatives, Fossil D À QDQFLDO FDPSDLJQµ aims. Free NewcasMagowan said: “It tle want them may well be a bit of a to completely divest from companies slog from here to actually get the Uniinvolved in the fossil fuel industry over versity to listen to the student populathe next five years, instead investing in tion. We hope not, but it may well be.” green technology. Glasgow University Fossil Free Newcastle encourages sturecently did this, along with several uni- dents to sign their petition in support of versities in the US. divestment. Robert Magowan, who tabled the moAnother member of Fossil Free Newtion, argued that in the long term this castle, Toby Munnion, added: “I feel a could be just as financially profitable for bit like that the campaign starts now the University. Magowan, President of [but] I think we’re much better off with the Young Greens society and a mem- the Students’ Union behind us. I’m ber of Fossil Free Newcastle, said later: looking forward to working with them “It’s not just an ethical campaign, it’s not to make the Uni go fossil free.”
By Mark Sleightholm News Editor
The Courier
news.5
Monday 8 December 2014
Campaigners offer drugs advice to clubbers received. “People sometimes assume we are an anti-drug group, but once I explained we are also a non-abstinence Students for Sensible Drug Policy’s based harm reduction group people latest campaign, Dance Safe, has seen opened up much more. The disposable them outside nightclubs as people straws we gave out were a success - they leave to go home, offering safer danc- are a great visual tool to help people ing packs with harm reduction advice, understand how easy it is to avoid cona glass of water and a chat. Aware of the tracting Hep C from using keys and bills limitations of drug testing in the UK, to sniff. A lot of people were not aware the SSDP have used this campaign as of this risk and wanted to hear more a way of bringing harm reduction to about other harm reduction measures.” the club and dance Although they scene in Newcastle’s “There is a new generation may agree with city centre. of students who need harm harm reduction, When asked under the current reduction advice” where the camUK drug laws, acpaign originated, Zoe Carre, founder of knowledging illegal drug use on their SSDP Newcastle, explained that: “Life- premises puts venues and their busiline Project ran a similar campaign in ness at risk. Zoe explained that: “SSDP 2008 called Safer Clubbing Newcastle, asked permission to be on-site in clubs where they gave out flyers with harm for our campaign; one club refused and reduction advice outside clubs in New- the others did not respond. So instead, castle. Those students in 2008 have now we stood outside the clubs around the moved on and there is a new genera- corner as people exited or went for a tion of students who need harm reduc- smoke break.” tion advice for clubbing.” This advice is Since November, the campaign has also tailored to cater for today’s peoples’ handed out over 200 safer dancing needs, with adulterants becoming a packs, and although initial plans were more prevalent issue, especially in legal for the campaign end in January, the highs. success so far has resulted in the SSDP The packs distributed outside the deciding to run monthly outreach work clubs contained: a Dance Safe flyer with this academic year. harm reduction information, a Hep C With regard to what’s next for the warning card with a disposable straw, a SSDP, Zoe revealed: “Our next step for ‘know your rights’ card with advice on the campaign is to launch drop-in seswhat to do upon arrest, an emergency sions for students to deliver honest, apcontacts card, a ‘Screw the Drug War’ proachable, and confidential drug and condom and a sticker. The pack also alcohol counselling. contained a flyer with 10 reasons to join “We also hosted a screening of ‘What’s the SSDP. In My Baggie?’ to raise awareness about When asked how people responded the increasing presence of adulterants to the SSDP outside clubs, Zoe com- (mostly legal highs) in illicit substancmented that they were largely very well es.”
By Charlie Dearnley News Editor
'$1&( 6$)( 7KH 66'3 RIIHU KDUP UHGXFWLRQ DGYLFH OHDÁ HWV RXWVLGH 1HZFDVWOH FOXEV Image: SSDP
Success4All: tuition for disadvantaged children commodation and the Students’ Union. Finally, this year Success4All encourages students to also get involved by With the most wonderful time of the raising free funds for the kids whilst year just around the corner, Christmas doing their Christmas shopping. Harry shopping is on full speed. Easyfundrais- explained that most children that come ing and Success4All are making it pos- to Success4All Learning Hubs are from sible to help raise free charitable funds very poor backgrounds where they ofwhilst buying Christmas presents on- ten don’t have computers and with techline. nologies advancing very quickly more Success4All is a not-for-profit organi- often than not children need access to sation that helps disadvantaged children them to do their homework. “Last term and young people to achieve better aca- an average of 159 children and young demic results by providing after-school people per week attended our Learnsessions for them. ing Hubs. In orThere are currently “Many children and young der to support six learning hubs people have the chance to one child with around Newcas- work with a peer tutor and their education tle where children a year it costs learn from each other” for come every week to £240, so £6 per do their homework, week,” he said. play and improve their skills in a home- This amount includes not only a peer ly environment. With the help of a large tutor, workbooks and a relaxed place to number of dedicated volunteers, a lot of work, but computers with the internet whom are from Newcastle University, too. many children and young people have To help raise funds for learning rethe chance to work with a peer tutor sources and Christmas presents for and learn from each other. kids, Success4All has teamed up with “It is a very rewarding job,” Harry Easyfundraising. The website (easyfunPlastow, a Corporate Sponsorship As- draising.org.uk) works with over 2,700 sistant, told The Courier. “We are glad retailers and makes it very easy to shop that so many Newcastle University online while being charitable. After students are involved in Success4All making your purchase at the exact same through SCAN and their Career De- price as if you visited the retailer’s webvelopment modules.” He was glad that site, Easyfundraising will turn 5% of the students from a very well established profit to a donation for a good cause. university can get involved in help- “Simply by buying your gifts online via ing young people from poorer areas to Easyfundraising you can help us a lot!” achieve good results by sharing their ex- Plastow said. “Sign-up free today and perience and knowledge. Also, children start raising donations at absolutely no are encouraged to develop their creativ- extra cost to you!” ity; this holiday season volunteers will To support Success4All, visit their webbe selling Christmas cards hand-made site: easyfundraising.org.uk/success4all by Success4All kids around student ac-
By Kotryna Kairyte
GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR: Tuition for disadvantaged children helps with their studies. Image: Kotryna Kairyte
6.news
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Shrek turns on Toon’s Christmas lights By Craig Dingwall
CHRISTMAS CROWDS: Hoards gather in festive spirit. Image: Craig Dingwall
with an impressive 17 seconds of “It’s Chriiiistmas!” The Breakfast Show hosts With Christmas approaching Newcas- said: “We are so, so proud to be switchtle recently played host to some special ing on our home city’s Christmas lights.” guests for the switching on of its ChristSpeaking after the event, Macari mas lights. Metro Radio’s Breakfast thanked the support of the crowd and Show’s Steve and Karen joined Newcas- the event organisers for letting her take tle’s Mayor at Grey’s Monument, whilst part “in such an amazing event. The Eldon Square welcomed everybody’s lights look fantastic... Christmas starts favourite ogre, here.” Shrek. Eldon Square “Eldon Square followed On Thursday followed suit, suit, with special guest with special guest 20 November excited crowds lighting Shrek lighting up the Shrek gathered in front up the shopping shopping centre” of the Christmas centre on SaturMarket at Grey’s day 23 November. Monument waitThe DreamWorks ing for the popular breakfast radio hosts swamp-dwelling ogre made the trip to appear. Proceedings got underway north ahead of Shrek The Musical’s stint with local pop band The Waiters who at Newcastle’s Theatre Royal in March. played an array of festive tunes, includTribute band Re-Take That hosted the ing the traditional ‘Rockin’ Robin’ sing- event, welcoming Dean Chisnall in his a-long to warm up the crowds. They full green attire, accompanied by the themselves were warming up for a show Green Fairy. The Shrek cast engaged in a they’re playing at on November 28 at the sing-a-long of their own, coaxing a few Metro Radio Arena in which they will rounds of ‘I’m a Believer’ from a sea of be sharing the stage with musical giants green faces. Ed Sheeran and Nicole Scherzinger. The Shrek said he was “honoured to be inWaiters were followed by Newcastle’s vited to turn on the Christmas Lights at very own Beth Macari, a soul and funk Eldon Square”. singer who impressed Metro Radio’s He sounded just as excited as Philip Dan Black with her “incredible, incred- Bernays, Chief Exec of Theatre Royal: ible voice” . “We jumped at the chance to bring our Then Metro Radio’s Breakfast Show favourite ogre himself up early to get hosts Steve and Karen took to the stage. acquainted with his fans in the North Counting down the time with human East.” snowman making competitions, a chat Shrek certainly seemed to enjoy his with Santa and a chance for Newcastle’s stay in Newcastle, and will return with ‘loudest child’ to make herself heard the full cast from March 11-29.
The Courier
news.7
Monday 8 December 2014
Climbers strip off for Mountain Rescue bouldering wall. Over 20 members of the Mountaineering Club faced harsh weather conditions to get involved in Following a nationwide charitable the cause and good fun was had by all. trend, the Newcastle University MounClub members found climbing naked taineering Club members are next in very compelling. Tom Whitford, who is line to take their clothes off for a good featured on the July page of the calencause, donating all proceedings to the dar, said that it had been on his bucket Wasdale Mountain Rescue charity. list for quite some time. It’s not the first time that the club Harry Brook added: “There’s nothing has produced a naked calendar, but as satisfying as feeling your bollocks the tradition had fizzled out, only to slap against cold rock knowing that be revived this year. Katie Kissick, the people will be donating to a good cause Club Treasurer, told The Courier that and admiring your Adonis-like frame.” the experience While some peo“There’s nothing as went surprisingly ple were trying smoothly and it satisfying as feeling your “not to implode was fun for all inawkwardbollocks slap against with volved. ness”, others didn’t “It was a hilari- cold rock knowing that find disrobing in ous experience to front of the club all organise with the people will be donating that intimidating. rest of the com“We all know each to a good cause” mittee and I was other quite well so so surprised with how many people it wasn’t that much of an issue, but trywere willing to get their kit off consid- ing to get outdoor pictures was quite ering the freezing cold weather plus the funny,” said Gemma Ridley, the Social not-so private locations,” Katie said. Secretary. The group only had one awkward exThe club chose the Wasdale Mountain perience. While they were shooting in Rescue as their charity since it’s a service Wales, a group of fell walkers happened completely reliant on public donations. to stumble over the naked shoot. While They are ready to assist mountaineers this could have risked the club getting in the most dangerous, life-threatening arrested for public indecency, the walk- situations and do not make any profit ers took it with a laugh, saying that out of their services whatsoever. they’d seen it all before. “The naked calendar was a fun (but The photos in the calendar were cold) way of giving a little back to the taken in numerous locations includ- brave and dedicated men and women of ing the Yorkshire Dales, Lake District, the mountain rescue teams,” said Daniel Wales, Northumberland and the local Pocock, the Club Secretary.
By Antonia Velikova News Editor
AU NATURALE: Mountaineering Club bare all for the Wasdale Mountain Rescue charity. Image: Daniel Pocock
Dance Society jives, waltzes and taps to success in Durham
All conferences great and small culture and zoology students should be interested as microbes have such a big On Wednesday 3 December third year impact on animal health and welfare. “Also lots of issues that affect all of us Animal Science and Agriculture students came together to host the New- were raised such as zoonoses – diseases that can pass from animals to humans – castle Animal Health Conference. A mixture of more than 100 students, and antibiotic resistance.” Student speakers also gave talks on staff and guests from local sixth forms the bad and ugly sides of animal health, attended this year’s free event. The theme of the student-organised including John Laughlin and Catherine conference was: “microbial interactions Sanderson’s presentation on border dison animal health – the good, the bad ease in sheep. Harry Birt and Rebecca Lamont and the ugly.” showed guests a look at Equine ZoonCatherine Sanderson, one of the event’s organisers, said: “The aim is to oses, while Abbie East and conference keep it varied and interesting with talks President Emmeline Howarth spoke about the issue of kennel cough in dogs. on a wide variety With the help of of animals, so eve“Lots of issues that external donors, 18 ryone enjoys it and affect all of us were students raised all learns something for Wednesraised... diseases that funds new.” day’s conference by Topics of discus- can pass from animals themselves. sion included health Their hard work to humans” and welfare in large will pay off with carnivores, a new more than just sucvaccine against mastitis in cows, and the use of probiotics in pig and poultry cessful fundraising and a good turnout diets, the latter being a topic Sanderson as students organising the Newcastle Animal Health Conference do so to considered one of the: “good ones.” The organisers consider guest speak- attain credit on one of their University ers to be an important part of the con- modules. The module is led by Dr Jonaference, offering outside expertise and than Guy in the School of Agriculture, insight into what is happening in the Food and Rural Development. Though it is compulsory for Animal agricultural industry. Attendees at last week’s conference Science students, it was optional for orheard talks from speakers represent- ganiser Catherine Sanderson. She said: “It’s something a bit different ing Yorkshire Wildlife Park, Hipra, and from your normal lectures, essays, and Anapario. Sanderson said the themes of the con- exams. You get to actually see yourself ference have the ability to impact eve- achieve something when it all comes toryone, not just particular students. She gether on the day.” told The Courier: “Animal science, agri-
By Ashley Williams
DANCING QUEENS: Newcastle Dance Society performs a tap number at the competition. Image: Tori Marjason
By Jack Parker
The Dance Society is celebrating an amazing set of results after competing in a local inter-university dance competition. The society spent the weekend competing at the Durham Dance Fusion competition, hosted by the Durham University Instep Dance Society, and came away from the competition with a haul of nine out of a possible thirteen trophies, including three first place trophies. Durham was the first dance competition of the new year and season for the society, and this year’s team managed to beat last year’s record, winning nine trophies compared to last year’s total of six. Last year the society visited Durham, Edinburgh, Manchester and Sheffield, and it was their most successful year to date, resulting in the society bringing home a haul of 18 trophies. This year also saw the society winning their first 1st place trophies of the competition. The competition saw Newcastle com-
pete against other universities across the country, including the University of St Andrews, the University of York and Lancaster University, as well as universities from the North East. The dance society competed in the Ballet, Modern, Tap, Contemporary, Street and Solo cat-
“The atmosphere was incredible, I enjoyed every second.”
egories. The group came home with first place in the Advanced Tap, Intermediate Ballet and the Advanced Contemporary categories. Louisa Barnard won 2nd for her solo as well as the best female dancer award. She was pleased with her result, and had this to say: “It was an amazing experience with amazing people. The atmosphere was incredible throughout the day. I enjoyed every second and cannot wait for the next competition!” The group hope to replicate their successes in their subsequent competitions
in Edinburgh and Manchester in February, and Liverpool in March. One of the teachers and choreographers for advanced contemporary, whose category was commended by the judges, Rachel Webber said of the competition: “It was such a fun day and was great showing the judges, other universities and the rest of our society our choreography. “Winning was a bonus which made all the extra rehearsals worth it. Everyone did themselves proud and it was the perfect way to start the competition season.” President of Newcastle Dance Society Beth Martin told The Courier: “The society as a whole have worked so hard over the past few months preparing for this competition, I’m just so happy that the hard work paid off. Competition was fierce this year but we rose to the challenge and came out on top. “I was so proud of everyone who went on stage, they did a fabulous job of representing the society and University.”
Monday 8 December 2014
8.nationalstudentnews
The Courier
NEWSTACK
Smooth sailing for sports scholarship Job  Title:  Content  Assistant Employer:  Start  Fitness Closing  Date:  12/12/2014 Salary:  Competitive  Basic  job  description:  You  will  be  helping  to  create  and  optimise  information  for  our  websites  (Start  Fitness,  Start  Cycles  and  Start  Football),  working  with  our  Content  Manager.  Your  duties  will  include:  creating  and  editing  copy,  basic  image  editing  and  creating  new  products  in  our  websites’  Content  Manage- ment  System.  On-Âthe-Âjob  training  will  be  provided  for  processes  that  you  are  unfamil- iar  with. Person  Requirements:  You  must  be  able  to  work  at  least  8  hours  per  week,  and  be  À H[LEOH WR ZRUN PRUH KRXUV GXULQJ SHULRGV of  increased  workload.  You  must  be  able  to  competently  use  word  processing  software,  additionally  good  literacy  skills  are  key  to  this  UROH ([SHULHQFH ZLWK $GREH 3KRWRVKRS LV advantageous,  but  not  required. Location:  Newcastle  City  Centre Job  Title:  Interviewer  for  The  Times  Final  Year  Student  Survey  2014 Employer:  High  Fliers  Research  Ltd  Closing  Date:  19/12/2014 Salary:  £9  per  hour  Basic  job  description:  The  Times  Final  Year  Student  Survey  is  conducted  annually  in  30  leading  UK  universities  in  order  to  gain  ¿ UVWKDQG LQIRUPDWLRQ RQ VWXGHQWVÂś H[SHUL ences  and  attitudes  towards  the  graduate  job  market.  Your  role  will  involve  interviewing  ¿ QDO \HDU VWXGHQWV RYHU WKH FRXUVH RI GD\V (DFK LQWHUYLHZ ZLOO WDNH DSSUR[LPDWHO\ 20  minutes,  and  must  be  conducted  on  a  one  to  one,  face-Âto-Âface  basis.  All  materials  and  resources  will  be  provided  during  a  training  session,  which  will  be  held  at  the  beginning  of  the  Survey  Week. Person  Requirements:  A  high  level  of  commu- nication,  social  skills,  energy  and  resilience  is  essential.  Applicants  must  be  available  to  work  between  9th  and  13th  of  February. Location:  On  Campus Job  Title:  Student  Caller:  Annual  Fund  Phona- thon  Team Employer:  Newcastle  University Closing  Date:  04/01/2015 6DODU\ Â… SHU KRXU LQFOXVLYH RI Â… holiday  pay) Basic  job  description:  We  are  looking  for  FRQÂż GHQW IULHQGO\ DUWLFXODWH VWXGHQWV WR DFW as  ambassadors  for  the  University  by  contact- ing  alumni  (graduates)  over  the  telephone  to  ask  for  donations  to  the  Annual  Fund.  The  FDPSDLJQ EHJLQV RQ QG )HEUXDU\ IRU weeks  (6:30-Â9:30pm  two  evenings  per  week)  Person  Requirements:  The  ideal  candidate  must  be  friendly  and  professional,  have  a  good  telephone  manner  and  be  a  good  nego- WLDWRU DQG KDYH FRQÂż GHQFH WR DVN DOXPQL IRU donations.  You  must  have  genuine  enthusi- asm  for  the  progress  of  the  University  and  a  drive  to  raise  funds  for  current  peers  and  future  generations  of  students Location:  On  Campus
-RE 7LWOH [ 2Q &DOO &XVWRPHU 6HUYLFH $GYL sors  Employer:  Santander Closing  Date:  26/12/2014 6DODU\ Â… Âą Â… SHU KRXU Basic  job  description:  You’ll  promote  and  sell  everything  from  mortgages  and  loans  to  sav- ings  opportunities  too.  Our  teams  describe  working  in  a  branch  as  being  fast-Âpaced  and  IXQ Âą D JUHDW SODFH WR FRPH WR ZRUN <RXÂśOO EH part  of  this  close-Âknit  team,  supporting  each  other  to  impress  every  customer,  every  day.  In  return  for  meeting  your  targets  and  helping  us  do  things  differently,  you  can  be  sure  to  HQMR\ Âż UVW FODVV WUDLQLQJ DQG WR JURZ ZLWK RXU business. Person  Requirements:  This  is  an  on-Âcall  FRQWUDFW RIIHULQJ Ă€ H[LEOH FRYHU WR EUDQFKHV LQ Newcastle.  You’ll  be  guaranteed  and  paid  for  at  least  one  hour  per  month/12  hours  per  year.  Additional  hours  will  vary  according  to  branch  UHTXLUHPHQWV DQG ZLOO PRVW OLNHO\ EH D PL[ RI SUH DUUDQJHG DQG VKRUW QRWLFH FRYHU VR Ă€ H[ ibility  around  hours  and  location  is  essential. Location:  Newcastle  City  Centre
A Masters student at the University of Southampton, Annabel Vose, has recently become one of three students who received a scholarship of ÂŁ8,700 a year from the International University Sport Federation (FISU). Annabel, studying Ship Science, was part of the Southampton team that recently won the 2014 Student Yachting World Championship and achieved great national and international success over the past few years. She has been sailing since the age of seven, won her first national championship at 13, and now, in 2014 she became captain and driver of the first ever GBR women’s crew to enter the FISU World University Match Racing Championships. Neil Rogers, BUCS Head of International Programmes, fully endorsed Annabel’s successful nomination and described her as embodying FISU’s ethos of supporting:“today’s stars, tomorrow’s leadersâ€?. The scholarship, which she shares with two recipients, will help fund her studies and allow her to continue to compete at the highest level.
DSA modernisation plans postponed
The government’s plans to “moderniseâ€? the Disabled Students Allowances (DSA) for the next academic year 2015/16 has been deferred. Last week after intense lobbying from the NUS and other campaign groups, the decision was made to postpone it until 2016/17. According to a poll held by disability specialists Randstad Student Support, 93 percent of over 500 disabled students believe they would be unable to reach their full academic potential without support from DSA. Victoria Short, managing director of Randstad Student and Worker Support told The Mancunion: “Equality of opportunity is why schemes like DSA exist‌ If disabled students must judge universities not by their teaching reputation, but on the likelihood of receiving the necessary support to study, then disabled students face a fundamentally different choice to others.â€? Of the disabled students surveyed only 4 percent believe their university has the resources to provide the same level of support if the government funded DSAs are taken away.
Job  Title:  Shop  Assistant Employer:  Rehill’s  of  Jesmond Closing  Date:  31/1/2015 Salary:  Competitive Basic  job  description:  General  shop  duties  in- clude,  replenishing  stock,  handling  cash  and  occasional  lifting  of  heavy  goods.  You  should  be  available  to  start  ASAP. Person  Requirements:  The  successful  candi- date  needs  to  be  punctual,  reliable  and  here  IRU WKH IXOO DFDGHPLF WHUP 5HWDLO H[SHULHQFH is  preferable.  Location:  Jesmond  Job  Title:  Part  Time  Library  Aide  Employer:  Newcastle  University  Closing  Date:  12/12/2014 Salary:  £14,631  -  £14.959  pro  rata  Basic  job  description:  Based  in  the  Walton  Library,  duties  include  shelving  and  tidying,  loan  and  return  of  books,  basic  enquiries  and  clearing  and  locking  the  Library  at  closing  time  when  required.   Hours  of  work  are:  20  hours  per  week  worked  Monday-ÂFriday,  13.00  Person  Requirements:  You  will  possess  a  minimum  of  5  GCSE  passes  at  Grade  C  or  DERYH RU HTXLYDOHQW SUHYLRXV H[SHULHQFH of  working  in  a  customer  or  service  environ- ment,  good  IT,  customer  care  and  communi- cations  skills  are  essential  as  is  the  ability  to  work  in  a  team. Location:  Newcastle  University  Campus  Job  Title:  Saturday  School  Assistants  Employer:  Gosforth  Academy  Road  Closing  Date:  06/01/2015 Salary:  £19  per  hour   Basic  job  description:  We  are  looking  for  up  WR VL[ (QJOLVK DQG HLJKW 0DWKV RU UHODWHG subject)  graduates  or  under-Âgraduates  for  our  Saturday  School  initiative.  The  graduates/un- der-Âgraduates  will  work  with  small  groups  of  up  to  four  Y11  borderline  students  (resources  and  training  will  be  provided). Person  Requirements:  English  and  Maths  (or  related  subject)  graduates  or  under-Âgradu- ates. Location:  Gosforth  Academy Â
Birmingham holds vigil in memory of Michael Brown Last week a vigil was held on the University of Birmingham’s campus in memory of Michael Brown, an unarmed man shot dead by a policeman in Ferguson, Missouri. Around fifty students attended a candle-lit ceremony to commemorate Brown’s death after the announcement that US policeman Darren Wilson will not be indicted for the killing. The gathering was organized by the Black and Ethnic Minority Association (BEMA). BEMA said that the event was held: “in recognition of the struggle we share against police and state brutality�. They organized tea-lights to spell out the teenager’s name and put posters up on the walls with the names and pictures of victims of racist killings. Seun Bablola, Chair of BEMA, said that she came to the vigil because: “it’s the closest way I can get in being active against police brutality�.
ÂŁ500 million expansion plan rejected
For  more  from  The  Courier ¿ QG XV RQ )DFHERRN DQG 7ZLWWHU /thecourieronline
@CourierOnline Images: Zarex, Elembis, Loavesofbread, TimBrighton
In June The University of Sussex’s “masterplanâ€? to develop new accommodation and increase student capacity was rejected by councillors over fears that it would create a “dense urban environmentâ€? and the potential negative impact the plan would have on the city’s housing stock. The University intends to formally appeal against Brighton and Hove Council’s decision to reject its ÂŁ500 million expansion plan before Christmas. Professor Michael Farthing, the University of Sussex’s Vice-Chancellor, said: “We need to modernise and expand our facilities if we are to continue to attract the best and brightest academics and students as well as provide jobs that benefit thousands of local families.â€? The appeal will be overseen by the Planning Inspectorate, a government agency tasked with reviewing public body planning appeals, before being taken to a public hearing at some point in spring 2015. A verdict on the appeal is expected to be announced in summer 2015. Kotryna Kairyte
The Courier
.9
Monday 8 December 2014
Comment Â
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         Comment  Editors:   Victoria  Armstrong  &  Matt  Corden  Online  Comment  Editor:  Ruth   Davis courier.comment@ncl.ac.uk  |  @Courier_Comment Â
2014: The year of MilkGate & the bum
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Stupidest Social Media Trend
Newcastle Uni Story of the Year
It’s been quite a year for Britain with the continuing rise of UKIP, the PlebGate trial decision, Russell Brand’s ongoing efforts to cause a revolution and MP Peter Dowling’s selfies of his genitalia. And of course, the Scottish independence referendum. Attracting international attention, the potential separation of Scotland from the rest of the UK attracted great controversy with various out-of-touch celebrities giving their views. Quite why it matters that Sean Connery says ‘Vote Yes’ when he does not live in Scotland and won’t be remotely affected if independence ended up being a horrible mistake, is unclear. Alas - the most deserving story is - George Osbourne got a fabulous new Caesar haircut (Et tu, Gideon?) and lost weight by following a popular celebrity diet. He certainly looks more dashing while cutting benefits now.
2014 has arguably been the year of internet trends, from the booze-fuelled ‘neknomination’ to the purportedly charitable ‘no make up selfie’ and the ‘ice bucket challenge’. These have attracted much criticism generally, for instance with neknominations arguably promoting a dangerous attitude towards drinking. The trends which raised money for charity can also be criticised, for instance the ALS ice-bucket challenge. Intended to raise awareness about suffering with ALS, this trend degenerated into a bit of light entertainment. The worst one however, is the ‘No Makeup Selfie’ for breast cancer. This exercise in vanity, where countless women took low-light, heavily-filtered photos of themselves to show ‘empathy’ for masectomy patients who may feel unfeminine, was atrocious with many not even donating.
With the bomb-scare student, complaints about the Robinson library, and the university’s ‘overcrowding’, it’s been a crazy year. And of course, lecturer strikes. Whilst we sympathise with the lecturers’ ordeal, their refusal to perform various contractually-obligatory tasks, from marking assignments, to simply teaching at all, have agitated students massively. Having to pay ÂŁ9k is bad enough as is! However, the story of the year - without questin, without surprise - is MilkGate. The heartwrenching struggle of students versus the Robinson library to have some milk for their warm bevvies during torturous study sessions. However, this was not to mimic the tale of David and Goliath, as students remain unable to indulge in milky goodness unless their beverage is purchased from the library. Be warned however: hope lives on.
Winner: George Osbourne’s hairdo Honourable Mention: Scottish Independece, UKIP and ‘the MP who sent dick picks to a nonexistent woman on Twitter’
Winner: ‘No makeup selfies’ Honourable Mention: Ice-bucket challenges, Neknominations
Winner: #MilkGate Honourable Mention: Striking academics, bomb-scare student, insufficient student housing, the Stan Calvert streaker
UKIP Faux Pas of the Year
Winner: Cannot be chosen. All gaffes win.
‘Bravest’ Politician of the Year
The obvious answer here is UKIP’s dear own Nigel Farage, who lets no amount of great personal and political criticism dissuade him in the quest for power. However, this is also the easy answer. Nick Clegg is also a strong contestant, trying to maintain the LibDems as a viable party, despite that he will likely never again hold political power, and that many of their one-time voters are unlikely to forgive their compromises. Additionally, Ed Miliband still very much occupies the position of an inherently dislikable, personality free zone. The prize, however, goes to underdog/dead fish Alex Salmond, former SNP leader and Scottish first minister who believed he could achieve independence without any tangible policies for post-independence (e.g. a currency). Winner: Alex Salmond (bet he’s gutted) Honourable Mention: Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband , Nigel Farage... in fact all politicians really. Brave, brave, tedious, brave lads.
2014 has transpired to be the year of the bum. The two key contenders in this category are: Paul McCarthy’s abstract sculpture ‘Tree’ in Paris, perhaps more commonly known as ‘the giant green butt plug’; and Kim Kardashian’s nude figure on magazine covers in an effort to ‘Break the Internet’. Exactly how controversial Kim Kardashian is, is debateable. The fact she’s a mother really isn’t so relevant here as the fact that she already has a sex tape and been featured in PlayBoy - i.e. the nudity isn’t quite new. Plus, some argue that the shots are actually quite artistic. By contrast, many Parisians seemed dismayed by the discovery of a huge, inflatable butt plug in Place Vendome. Being informed it was in fact an abstract Xmas tree did not appear to calm the situation. Winner: The Green Butt Plug Honourable Mention: Kim Kardashian’s Butt
Collage & drawings by Lewis Bedford
Images: Anthony Quintano, dupontaignan, altogetherfool, byron2, id-iom, andy stuart, kelly finnamore @ Flickr
No shortage of options exists here. Recently, UKIP complained about bias in the BBC for conducting a poll outside a mosque - oh wait, it was actually Westminster cathedral. They also managed to infringe copyright (by failing to ask the artist’s permission for use) on their annual Christmas card, featuring a white van driving over Cameron, Clegg and Miliband. Notably, UKIP MEP Gerard Batten, argued all British Muslims should sign a ‘Code of Conduct’ involving a rejection of jihad violence... apparently no reasonable person should take issue with this. Well. Nigel Farage also decided that people should only speak English on trains to avoid making people feel ‘awkward’ (I wonder whether this includes his German wife...) Throw in a variety of badly-chosen campaign posters and questionably racist comments and UKIP doesn’t appear to be leaving behind its tendency for political gaffes anytime soon.
Most Controversial Artistic Creation
Funniest Fox News Comment
Best Political Christmas Card
Some readers may be unfamiliar with the gloriously entertaining ‘news’ channel that is Fox. Home to the USA Republicans, they are well known for a variety of ‘out there’ comments. Favourites include Megyn Kelly who decided last Christmas that “Santa just is white... Jesus was a white man too�. Apparently this was verifiable... Hmmm. Todd Wilemon also commented “I’ll be honest - if you’re poor, stop being poor... have a job�. Bill O’Reilly opined that white privilege was nonexistent, and merely an excuse used by black Americans. We strongly advise anyone who enjoys comedy to watch Fox News. Do not let the word ‘news’ deter you - this is an entertainment channel that cannot be beaten.
Last, but not least - best Christmas card. Many notable ones are here this year - and we recommend you go view them. You can see David Cameron looking formal outside of 10 Downing Street; Ed Miliband attempting to look more likeable and as less of a loser/dick by indulging in crafts with his children; UKIP appears to have said a ‘fuck you’ to subtlety by featuring a white van driving over other political leaders; and finally Nick Clegg can be observed in a series of photobooth shots laughing with his wife as they wear sickeningly Christmas-sy jumpers. To be fair, they’re all horrible but Nick Clegg’s is the least toxic to the eye, unless one particularly enjoys honesty in which case, UKIP may steal your heart.
Winner: ‘Santa is black - so is Jesus’ (Megyn Kelly) Honourable Mention: ‘White privilege is a lie’, ‘if you’re poor, stop being poor’, ‘pregnancies from rape are not real’.
Winner: Obama and his 3D paper White House which was also signed by his dog Honourable Mention: Nick Clegg’s attempt to be ‘down wid da peeps’ by using a common photobooth; and UKIP
10.comment
SOAP BOX
CHRISTMAS CHEER
Monday 8 December 2014
The Brown Legacy
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It’s the most wonderful time of the year! And no, I’m not being sarcastic, I really do love Christmas. I can’t ever be too old for it, I’m always the person decorating on 1 December, the person singing Christmas songs, the person baking gingerbread cookies. You’d dub me as annoying, probably. Why, though? Have we really become so desensitized that we can’t enjoy one of the happiest times of the year instead of moaning about how capitalism is destroying our culture? Trust me, I know. I talk about the destructive corporative policies of the world nearly every day, it’s part of what I do. However, when it’s Christmas, I suddenly don’t care. It’s really not interesting being a cynic anymore, boys and girls, and it’s not interesting to sneer dismissively at every Christmas jumper you see on the street, just because you think it makes you different and you’re “escaping the system�. Stop caring about the system, dull your ego for a few weeks, and find the simple joys in life. We don’t have many of those left, and if you’re trying to ruin what might be the highlight of the year for some people I seriously don’t have time for you. Ho-ho-ho and Merry Christmas. Antonia Velikova
Jake Harrison
ordon Brown gets a lot of criticism. Accusations of leaving a toxic legacy by most members of the right-wing press, famously being called a “one-eyed Scottish moron� by Jeremy Clarkson and slated by Tony Blair for “wasting his New Labour legacy� are just a few of the things he has come under fire for, yet really his legacy is anything but toxic. Gordon Brown has the fairly unique position of boasting a legacy that stems from both time as Chancellor and Prime Minister. His time in Number 10 may have ended somewhat acrimoniously, picking up just 29% of the votes (Labour’s second lowest share since Universal Suffrage), but that does not mean you can simply write off the 13 years he spent in and around the top of British politics. Lifting 800,000 children out of poverty is no mean feat, nor is the record-breaking reduction in poverty amongst pensioners. NHS spending increased year-on-year, resulting in a consistent reduction of waiting times for treatment and unemployment remained low, at about 5% right up until the worldwide economic downturn, but despite the claims of some, this was not the fault of Gordon Brown or New Labour as some seem to claim.
“The loss of Gordon Brown to British politics in a huge one�
BAH HUMBUG ‌ And here we are again. As the festive season approaches, I can’t help but feel a surge of contempt and irritation. “Why is this?â€? my friends dutifully ask, “It’s Christmas! You should be happyâ€?. The truth is, I am one of the underground and purportedly clandestine sect of people who vehemently hate this time of year. To me, Christmas is a painful experience. Being of an inherently grumpy and cynical disposition, I can imagine nothing more to my disliking than a period of time where I am forced to be happy. Why should I be? It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s loud, and you are greeted with gaudy and distasteful lighting everywhere, I’m not seeking vindication here; I know that is too much to ask. If only for a moment, however, please consider us humbugs when going about your every day lives. Starbucks, Costa, I beseech you - please desist with the Buble, at least until December. Friends, family: no, I will not don your hideous Christmas jumper, even it was from M&S. And finally, to you Geldof: of course they bloody know its Christmas, now piss off ! Jonty Mawer
CHRISTMAS CARDS The humble Christmas card: a dying art form. Although one which, bizarrely, people seem to cling onto. I guess they add some decoration to the house, at least. And their entertainment value cannot be overrated. There are the stock ones from constituent MPs, in the case of my home town meaning Nick Clegg, which every year gets very promptly disposed of. There’s also the always the ones from the ambiguously named ‘Dave and Helen’, or similar, who everyone presumes someone else knows, but not a single one of you actually knows who they are. Then there’s the one from the elderly family friends, which brings sighs of relief but also a little bit of shock at the fact that they are somehow still alive? The real dusting of icing sugar to the mince pie however, are the cards containing Christmas letters. Often contained in a handmade card, these gems are hilarious – cheesy family photos and detailed accounts of every family member’s achievements of the year, from precocious darling’s every talent to exotic family holidays, the latest building work, or company firm updates. Almost too middle class to be true. Ruth Davis
The Courier
“The evidence suggests that had it not been for Gordon Brown, the recession could have been much worse than it was. Few economists would deny that his decision to intervene during the financial crisis by bailing out the banks was the right one, and he has been vindicated in his prediction that austerity would stall growth�
In fact, the evidence suggests that had it not been for Gordon Brown, the recession could have been much worse than it was. Few economists would deny that his decision to intervene during the financial crisis by bailing out the banks and enacting fiscal stimulus (increasing Government spending while cutting taxes to stimulate growth) was the right one, and he has been vindicated in his prediction that austerity would stall growth; when Labour left office in the second quarter of 2010, growth was 1.1%, higher than anything we have seen under the Conservatives. Our national debt (as a percentage of GDP) is higher than it was under Gordon Brown’s chancellorship, and we are predicted to borrow £95bn this year (that’s £3,000 a second). I don’t fully understand how higher growth and lower borrowing is a toxic legacy, but apparently it is. Also currently topical is the European Union, and whether we should have closer ties or simply leave. Whatever your opinion is on that, you will probably agree that being a part of the shared currency would not be a good situation to be in at the moment. I presume you will know the answer as to why we don’t use the Euro, or if you have been living in a cave for the past 14 years and do not, you can probably hazard a guess because the man responsible is, of course, Gordon Brown. The Euro failed his five economic tests, he vetoed the decision to join, and we stayed out. Vindicated once again.
“Really his legacy is anything but toxic�
The loss of Gordon Brown to British politics is a huge one, but in reality it is a loss we suffered about four years ago when he stepped down as Prime Minister. He has been a relatively infrequent visitor to Westminster since then, focusing instead on his roles as UN envoy for Global Education, advisor at the World Economic Forum and Board Member of the World Wide Web foundation (and he continues to donate his Prime Minister’s pension to charity). I have not even had a chance to mention the importance of his role in the Scottish independence referendum, where it is not an exaggeration to say that he basically saved the union. Clearly then, not only has he left us a great legacy, but he still has so much to offer to the world, and I predict he will continue to make a difference for years to come.
The Courier
comment.11
Monday 8 December 2014
Black-hearted Black Friday
Consumerist Christmas
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Jack Parker
I
n case you have been living in a media blackout, the stores of Britain have just experienced the most monstrous shopping day of the year: Black Friday. Such a day of massively-discounted mega deals can turn the normally docile British public into carnivorous beasts, thirsty for a cheap flat screen TV or coffee machine. The aftermath of Black Friday saw every news outlet going scrambling to get a video of bargain hunters brawling with one another, so that we sensible shoppers could sit back and laugh at the poor souls ripping each other’s hair out. Of course, this is nothing new; American stores have been holding such sales for years, right after Thanksgiving, and every year we were able to watch on in horror, from the comfort of our homes. Unfortunately, the process of Americanisation marches on relentlessly, and British stores realised they too could squeeze as much money out of the public as possible. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to bag a bargain, especially at a time of the year where there is so much to do and so much to buy. What I do ob-
“Consumers have been conned and manipulated by the instruments of big business� ments of big business. Black Friday is bad for business too, as it encourages short-termism in the companies involved, rather than a focus on long-term profits. The likes of Tesco can get away with having a bad year and
somehow ‘losing’ 250 million pounds, by pinning their hopes on one day of sales. But what happens if less people come out to buy, put off by the events of last black Friday? That’s what happened in the US this time round. Not only that, but the staff are also put in great danger. I was reading about one woman on the checkout in Tesco nigh on having a panic attack during all the pandemonium, then being made to go off into the scrum and assist in attempting crowd control. Proof if ever you needed it that Black Friday makes people stop caring about each other, and companies’ stop caring about the welfare of both their staff and shoppers, all for the sake of a quick buck.
The fact that many people now mark the run-up to Christmas with their first viewing of the annual Coca-Cola advert surely says something about the society we have become. Why is a major component of the festive season marked by a beverage we can obtain all year round, owned by a company who most definitely do not adhere to the principle of ‘good-will to all’? The major supermarket advertisements likewise all attempt a ‘feel-good’, cosy drive to flog us their wares, but in the end, they are huge businesses simply trying to make money. And they are succeeding, if the claustrophobic atmosphere of any shopping centre in December can be used as a measure. John Lewis does not care about whether the child’s penguin has a friend; John Lewis cares about whether they meet their profit targets via selling extra penguins to gullible parents. We need to learn to ignore corporate interests and focus on the things that will actually make us happier; you cannot buy pleasure, no matter what the adverts would have us believe.
ject to is the abject greed of a small minority who were paraded across the world’s media. On many of the videos and images that I bore witness to, people were grabbing as many televisions as they could. Perhaps they were buying them for friends and relatives who did not want to venture out, or perhaps they were planning to sell the extra ones on to make a fat profit? Am I being cynical? The mind does jump to that conclusion though - for some people, an opportunity like that is too good to miss, they spend more in sales so that they can make more selling the products on. I genuinely fear for those who went out and went wild, having a field day packing plastic. When the poor sods get their credit card bills they are going to be absolutely buggered. The likes of Tesco and Asda have managed to whip them up into a spending frenzy, something that one finds thrilling in the heat of the moment, only to realise later that they have been conned and manipulated by the instru-
Discriminatory, my dear Watson 5DFLVW DQG VH[LVW FRPPHQWV KDYH VXOOLHG -DPHV :DWVRQÂśV UHSXWDWLRQ EXW KH GHVHUYHV QR V\PSDWK\
J
ames Watson is a world-renowned scientist. He is also incredibly narrow minded and prejudiced. Watson is claimed to be one of the ‘fathers of DNA’ due to contributing to the discovery of the double helix structure of DNA and, along with Francis Crick and Maurice Wilkins, he was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physiology or Medicine. However, he has resorted to auctioning his Nobel Prize due to lack of income. This comes as no surprise because Watson has been shunned from the scientific community due to his various outspoken remarks, and is treated as an outcast who personally acknowledges, “no one really wants to admit I exist.�
“We need to separate the person from the scientist�
Watson’s fall from grace comes as a result of a number of racist and sexist remarks over the years. In 2007 in an interview he stated that he was “inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa� as “all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours- whereas all
I
n the wake of the chaos that was Black Friday, it seems difficult to deny that Christmas has become a celebration of rabid consumerism. Whilst some people, even in our own city, are unable to afford food, others are willing to disgrace themselves, and even injure other people in the pursuit of a discount on an entirely unnecessary product which they probably would not have purchased otherwise. Contrary to popular belief, these items are not actually a festive requirement. We should never have allowed our society to reach such a capitalist ethos that it is deemed acceptable to jeopardise people’s safety in return for a slightly discounted television.
“Christmas is almost wholly about purchases and sale figures now�
“Turn the normally docile British public into carnivorous beasts�
Cinthu Vivehananthan
Ciara Loughrey
the testing says not really�. Furthermore, in a lecture, he addressed more than 200 students suggesting that fat people lack ambition. However his candid remarks do not stop here, in his book The Double Helix, he mentions Rosalind Franklin, who was responsible for much of the research that led to the discovery of structure of DNA, describing what he found distasteful in her appearance whilst patronisingly calling her ‘Rosy.’ As if this was not disgraceful enough, he has mentioned “having all these women around [in science] makes it more fun for the men but they are probably less effective.� Remarks like these bring in to question whether we can excuse Watson’s behaviour due to his scientific legacy, or if he deserves to be shunned? James Watson is not the first controversial scientist and nor will he be the last. There is always a risk to putting people on pedestals. Watson is not perfect and his narrow-minded statements are frankly intolerable, but he is also an astounding scientist and his personal politics should not detract from his scientific achievement. However, despite saying this, his scientific feats should not be used to protect him either. The platform his scientific prowess has given him should not have been abused, especially when addressing the scientists of the future, and the students who hold him in such high regard. As a role model to many, he has a profes-
sional responsibility and this platform should have been used more wisely. Ultimately, we need to separate the person from the scientist. His Nobel prize winning work should not be overshadowed by comments made after it, however being sacked
“Watson does not deserve immunity because of who he is�
for roles such as on the boards of companies that he had at the time and being ostracized is arguably the correct thing to do. In any other line of work such comments would have led to a similar result, and Watson does not deserve immunity because of who he is. It has to be noted that Watson has half heartedly apologised for one of his comments insisting that he “is not racist in a conventional way�. His wallowing in self pity has led to him sell his Nobel Prize - not only for financial reasons, but also in an attempt to “re-enter public life�, so we can only hope he is aiming to change his ways. James Watson, once the hero of science, is now the martyr of science. Nobel Prize winner or not, his behaviour cannot be excused and does not deserve immunity due to his academic achievement. Simultaneously however, it should not diminish his scientific accomplishments.
“You cannot buy pleasure, no matter what the adverts would have us believe�
Even the humble nativity play has been hijacked; many schools now incorporate celebrities as characters, often basing stories on toys available in the current markets. Whilst I disagree that Christmas needs to remain a predominantly religious affair (it did not originate from a Christian celebration, but is based on the Pagan Winter Solstice), the values of family, giving and good-will should be celebrated, rather than rampant pursuit of more and more unwanted gifts. We do not need these things and it is silly to delude ourselves that materialistic products will lead to a happier Yuletide – they won’t. However what will is a simple celebration with loved ones, spending more time together and maybe even doing something to aid less fortunate people. To be fair, it isn’t just Christmas - corporatism is everywhere. It is an endemic part of our identity, ingrained into us from childhood: buy more in order to be successful, happy and popular. Big business has done a good job making us reliant on them, as society today physically cannot function without capitalism. This is the problem with trying to make Christmas less consumerist: it simply will not work. The majority of people do not want it, businesses certainly do not want it, and the government certainly does not either, since the economic boost it brings is welcome. So I guess I will just concede that Christmas is almost wholly about purchases and sales figures now, and will likely become even more so in the future. What a jolly, festive thought to end on!
12.lifestyle lifestyle
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Lifestyle Editors: Jack Dempsey, Annie Lord, Holly Suttle & Tom Tibble Lifestyle Editors:
Fresher fears Emily Chapman tells us about the fears she’s developed as a fresher
H
aving a shower while people are cookingAfter the September Sausage Incident, where our flat was watched as we filed out in shame to the fire alarm, I now refuse to get in the shower until the oven is switched off. I have a recurring dream where I stand outside flat C1 with a towel between me and the loss of any shreds of dignity I currently have left. Just saying. The geese in Leazes Park- I got lost carrying a week’s worth of food, only to stumble upon a tribe of geese. Who proceeded to follow me (as I ran) through the trees in my escape attempt.
“So, how’s uni going?”: the sugar-coated truth Lauren Hickin gives us an example of how a Christmas letter to the grandparents might look like if it were translated faithfully Dear Granny, Thanks for the letter, it’s always lovely to hear from you. First term has gone really well so far, but I’m glad I don’t have any more hand-ins until after the holidays! I have been trying some new extra-curriculars, since they keep mentioning that this is important in careers talks. It has been really interesting and I have met some great new people. My new house is still in Jesmond but I am with a quieter group this year, which is probably for the best considering that it’s my final year. In your letter, you asked if I’d met anyone new, but to be honest I think it’s more important at the moment to focus on my studies. I know Mum and Dad met at Uni, and it’s adorable, but these days I don’t think many people my age are ready to settle down and honestly, a lot of the boys I meet are a little immature. My course is really interesting this year as I got to choose all of my modules. Of course, dissertation takes up a lot of my studying time, but I’m sure it will be worth all the hard work in the end.
“Desperately trying to look as though I know everything about choosing the perfect pair of chicken breasts”
The woman on the butcher’s stall in the marketwho watched me for five whole minutes as I chose the pack of chicken breasts I wanted. Never have I felt more pressure in my life to look as though I know everything about choosing the perfect pair of chicken breasts. My bag strap breaking whilst going up/down the Armstrong Building staircase - and watching my copy of whatever modernist text is in there slowly flying away from me. Which is probably the best place for it to be. As far away from me as possible.
“Stuffing all my clothes into the dryer, whilst concealing my various underwear”
Emerging from my room after 11pm - when drunken flatmates and their, uh, friends may possibly be in the kitchen, between me and food. Same goes for the early hours of the morning. Only this is a lot more awkward for them - because it is then mildly acceptable for me to be in PJs with penguins on them. And less acceptable for their ‘friend’ to be in last night’s hot pants. Putting my laundry into the machine/taking it out again - more specifically having particular students watching me unload the machine, and then try to stuff all my clothes into the dryer, whilst concealing my various underwear. So much for retaining some feminine mystique.
“It was like the maze in The Maze Runner - only with sales assistants plastered in Chanel”
Writing emails to lecturers/seminar leaders- because apparently neither “Miss” nor “Mrs” is the correct way to address them. No one decided to tell me that. Eldon Square Shopping Centre - I once got lost for half an hour here. I had no food, no water, no money. It was like the maze in The Maze Runner – only with sales assistants plastered in Chanel. Making comments on past essays in seminars Seminar leader: “So, how would you improve this essay?” Me: “To be honest I’d just delete it all and start again.” Turns out that was my seminar leader’s first ever undergraduate essay. The instructor of my spinning class - if the science of cloning ever finds a way to combine Annie Lennox and the Terminator, don’t bother; it’s already been done. The plastic Monty the Penguin in the John Lewis window - I know that it’s plastic. I know it isn’t meant to blink. But I also know that its eyes are too close together and it creeps me out.
I have started looking at jobs and grad schemes for next year and it’s very competitive but I’m sure that I’ll find the right one for me soon. A lot of these companies seem to be doing Skype interviews now, which has been interesting. I did go for a traditional interview last week, though, and I think it went pretty well. I’m coming home for Christmas on the 13th, and I can’t wait to see you. Best Wishes, Your Granddaughter xxx
Dear Granny, Thanks for the letter. And for the addressed envelope. No pressure. I am in my overdraft, pretty sure I failed at least one of my mid-modules (who can even remember how to write an essay after summer?) and am hanging on by a thread. The answer is no, okay? Points for creativity go to the guy on Tinder who offered me a comprehensive breakfast menu: full English, cereal, or a quick exit. Many boys are a little immature. Or taken. Or gay. Best of a bad bunch. Preparing for my first sit-down exam in two years #artssubjectproblems. Horror of horrors. Did I ever even like this book to begin with? Why did I pick this book? Why did I pick this degree? Why did I pick this Uni? WHHHHHHHHHHHY does my supervisor hate me? I need money, central heating, and access to a working washing machine. I have so much laundry it’s not even funny. Love you, but honestly, I wish you’d learn to text.
I have watched a lot of Netflix, realised Tiger Wednesdays don’t count as ‘sporting activity’ and dropped in on the odd tryout session. It is excruciating. Some of these people have done more in the last two years than I plan to do in the next ten. The journos are eager, the thesps are crazy and please don’t ask me what I had to do for sports initiations. Shame about the neighbours, whose Halloween music was blaring from 10:00pm to 6:50am.
Just kill me now. It’s the merciful thing. Please, dear God. Don’t let me have to move back home. My room is at the front of the house. Facing a main road. Traffic noise and my laptop webcam do not mix. I crawled home from the interview cand had to be dripfed Ben and Jerry’s to recover from the trauma.
How to: enjoy Xmas tat Tom Tibble advises on how to like the shit Christmas gift you just unwrapped
C
hristmas season. A time for generosity. A time for thinking of others. From the first of December right through to the Big Day it’s a time for unparalleled happiness. An awfully handy agreement because it’s bloody tiring being thoughtful. Thank Santa it’s only one month in which our loving thoughts translate into giving out those really personal gifts that the shops sell. We’d never manage it all year round and who’d even try. All that care is much better conserved if allowed to accumulate for eleven months before then ferociously ejaculating right up December’s accepting arsehole. With all this build up it’s a shame when, burdened by the expectant eyes of an excited relative, you begin to unwrap what you can quickly assess to be horrendous tat. Your face is a black hole of pained mannerisms as it tries to rally up a convincing showcase of enthusiasm. Instinct kicks in to force a smile, and maybe even a high-pitched exhale posing as a laugh, as you explain to your relative about all the situations in which your new luminous fart guard will come in handy. Such an explosion of festivity makes it a struggle to extend our cheer all the way up to New Year. At least when it does finally come, it’s a respite to the post-Big Day comedown. But then it’s back to January, a month which hosts days like Mondays and Thursdays. Days where care can be conserved for the next Big Day, as opposed to being wasted on unceremonious day-to-day things, like being polite to bar staff or picking dogshit up off the children’s playground. New Year exists as Christmas’ younger runt of a brother. Appreciated, but naïve. Another lovely
excuse for a good time but without any of the quintessentially Christmassy stuff like Black Friday, or those cute adverts that selflessly encapsulate the Christmas spirit. What New Year needs is a marketing overhaul. A total rebrand. There’s not enough happening for it to ever catch on like Christmas.
“Your face is a black hole of pained mannerisms as it tries to rally up a convincing showcase of enthusiasm”
But on a less Grinchy note, pretending to like the shit Christmas present you just unwrapped is important. It’s an art form for good reason. You don’t want to let anyone down. Parcelling a thought to someone and receiving their happy reaction in return is the best gift. And a yearlong mantra. Having to fake enthusiasm for a shit Christmas present is a blessing. That the relative or friend that you don’t see enough is actually there and able to see the glee, however mechanic, is the beauty of the whole Christmas charade. That it’s an annual gettogether season. So if you have to bring out the face of feigned joy in front of those you care about this Christmas then celebrate, because you have been gifted with Christmas presence.
The Courier
.13
Monday 8 December 2014
Culture thecourieronline.co.uk/culture
Culture Editor: Kate Bennett Sections: Lifestyle, Fashion, Beauty, Arts, Music, Film, TV, Gaming and Science courier.culture@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierOnline
Blind Date
Kate Bennett, MA Film Theory and Practice meets Jack Dempsey, 2nd year English Literature with Creative Writing
Kate on Jack
Where did the two of you decide to meet up? We met by Monument in preparation for a monumental date. Then we went to Alvinos, because I’m worth it.
Where did you two go for the date? We went to Alvinos because we were feeling fancy, and because their cocktails have quite a high alcohol content which I felt would be necessary.
What were your first impressions of Kate? I was impressed by her attendance, she attended very well. She also had clothes on, which I approved of.
What initial impression did you get from Jack? He did a Michael Caine impression, but it wasn’t very good. I think my response discouraged him from doing any more impressions.
Did you find her attractive? Like iron filings to a magnet. I was attracted, yes.
Bad impressions aside, what did you think of Jack when you first met him? He had quite a good duffle coat on. Duffle coats can look a bit Paddington Bear, but Jack was really working his. There was almost nothing ursine about him at all.
Would you care to elaborate? Well I knew it was her before I even saw her, because I could feel her magnetic field. Then when I saw her I immediately thought, ‘Gosh, she’s attractive.’ Who paid for the drinks? We both did because this is the 21st century.
So a good impression looks-wise. What about his conversation? He had quite a dry sense of humour. He should probably hydrate his sense of humour more.
“She spent a lot of it talking about socialism. I don’t know much about socialism”
“Duffle coats can look a bit Paddington Bear, but Jack was really working his”
How did you find Kate’s conversation? Easily, it was coming right out of her face. No but in all seriousness she was a fine conversationalist, we chatted the night away.
What did you talk about? We had a fairly intense conversation about whether there’s life after death. He thought there might be; I’m a hardline atheist. I think I won him over because he went quite quiet, as if he was reevaluating his very existence.
About what? All sorts. Life. Death. Obama. All the biggies. Then afterwards we gazed into each other’s eyes and fell into a long, not uncomfortable silence. Did you go anywhere after Alvinos? We walked to Heaton.
That sounds quite heavy, was it? It was pretty heavy, but then I don’t really have any upperarm strength, so most things are heavy for me.
Why Heaton? Because we both live in Heaton.
How long were you in Alvinos for? Quite a while, maybe two or three hours. One of the cocktails I had was called a Jammy Hendrick’s, and when I mentioned it Jack kept going on and on about how much he loves Jimi Hendrix. He was even doing these little renditions of his best riffs.
“We gazed into each other’s eyes and fell into a long, not uncomfortable silence”
“I’ve never really watched much Peep Show so I didn’t get the reference”
How was the walk back, romantic at all? Well the cocktails had loosened me up pretty good by that point, but I didn’t feel like there was really an opportunity to make a move. She spent a lot of it talking about socialism, it got quite in depth. I didn’t know very much about socialism, so it was all a bit one-sided.
That sounds kind of embarrassing. It kind of was, yeah. The other clientele were beginning to look over at us weirdly so I suggested we leave.
Was there a goodbye kiss? There was a goodbye, but the social pressure was so colossal by that point I didn’t feel I could lean in.
What happened then? We both live in Heaton so we walked back there together. He was doing ‘All Along the Watchtower’ by this point so I brought up Bob Dylan and somehow we got talking about socialism.
You’ve been a little reticent as to how to date actually went, are you hiding anything? Nothing, just my personality and all my true feelings. I should really say at this point that Kate was a really great date and I would totally go there again. Really spot on.
How did the date end? We stood at the end of my street and he did a quote from Peep Show. I’ve never really watched much Peep Show so I didn’t get the reference. I’m more into The Thick Of It, to be honest. Would you see Jack again? Yeah, I would, as long as I was seeing him through a pair of binoculars from half a mile away. No, but seriously, Jack was fun to talk to and there was definitely an attraction. What rating would you give Jack? 12A.
Jack on Kate
Is there anything you’d like to add? Kate, if you’re reading this, I have studied up on socialism and am ready for a second date. Call me.
Looking for love? Send in your details to c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk
Rate your date? Yes, I rated her.
14.lifestyle
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Lifestyle Editors: Jack Dempsey, Annie Lord, Holly Suttle and Tom Tibble Lifestyle Editors:
Typical Christmas crap
Happy half-
Rebecca Dooley lists Kate Bennett, Jack Dempsey and Tom Nicholson show you how to recurring gifts that’d be Christmas dinner Christmas tree better left unwrapped Bath set This Christmas present can essentially comprise of any set that includes a loofah, we’re not discriminating here. It may come with bath bombs, scented soap, body wash, body lotion, or any of the toiletry classics; but it’s a present that screams, “I don’t know anything about your tastes”. Sure, you can convince yourself the gift-giver pressed their snoz against every soap bar in the shop to find the scent that was just you, but we all know that’s a load of crap. Whether it’s ‘Ocean Breeze’ (how is that a smell?), or the lovely artificial smell of strawberries, we’re betting you’ll have already forgotten who gave you said bath set before it’s even relegated to dark realms of the bathroom cupboard. On the upside: you can always shit on someone else and re-gift it.
“On the upside you can always shit on someone else and re-gift” Winter wear
This gift idea is typical of grandparents who just don’t know what to get you now they’re so old and ‘not with it’, as they’re forced to revert back to the failsafe of slipper socks and snuggies. If you’re in a relationship your other half may think it’s a great idea to get a double snuggie, so you can sit cosily on the sofa together. No. Just, no. But don’t worry guys and gals, there is usually a lot of excess material so you each can sit at opposite ends of the sofa when you inevitable fall out due to this dismal gift. Or, if you prefer, take a pair of scissors and ceremoniously cut the snuggie in half and part ways in your relationship, each taking a half of the snuggie as a memento of dull gift ideas and a rubbish girlfriend/boyfriend.
Who can be bothered with slaving over a hot stove all day making a spread for some ungrateful swines who will either eat it far too quickly or not eat it at all, when one could be drinking heavily fortified wines from 10am onwards? Maximise your time spent in a semi-drunk torpor by working out what you actually need in a Christmas spread. Roasted meat? Yeah, probably. If you really, really can’t be arsed, then grab a Quorn roast. This beige cylinder is ideal for a lazy Christmas, as you can bang it in the oven and just leave it until you’re good and ready. The box recommends a two-hour roast, but you could chuck it in for six months at 200 degrees and it’d taste and feel completely identical. But who am I kidding? Of course you’ve not got two hours to play with. Rummage around in the fridge and see if you can find any of those thin wafer ham slices which look like sad, sweaty bits of meaty bunting. Cut them into the shape of a goose and present them to your guests. Only the real gastronauts will be able to tell the difference. Yorkshire puddings are clearly the jewel in the crown of any Christmas dinner, but whisking together three ingredients (THREE I SAY) is far too much like hard work. Jib the veg, they’re just empty vitamins. If you’ve got any colour other than beige on your plate, you’re making too much effort. Tom Nicholson
A Christmas tree is apparently quite an important part of the whole festive deal, so you’ll struggle to dodge this one entirely. Poundland do an excellent line in inflatable jobbies which will firstly introduce a very welcome beach vibe to proceedings and secondly remain a viable option for future Christmases. If you’re stranded in some Poundlandfree wasteland, your local park can provide a rough approximation of a Christmas tree for as little as zero pence. Grab a stick from somewhere - areas around trees are particularly happy hunting grounds for stick-gatherers - and, if you’re being pressured to make it stand upright as per “tradition”, place it in a mug. Decorations are a whole other kettle of baubles, but if your guests are beginning to drift toward the door appease them by writing ‘CHRISTMAS’ on a bit of paper and sticking it on top of the stick like the sail on a tiny, completely unseaworthy ship. Tom Nicholson
Distressing decorations Kate Bennett suggests some cheap alternatives to the usual trimmings Decorations are important in establishing your Christmas ‘vibe’, but unfortunately for the skint and lazy student, a home festooned in handblown glass baubles and tasteful wreaths in the manner of a John Lewis advert requires both money and organisation. No worries, though - you can actually create an array of unique and unforgettable decorations for free, FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR VERY OWN HOME.
Garlands
“A pop-up pint glass is surely priceless and unquestionably necessary”
Fake snow
Sack off the advent candles and instead stick some matches into blobs of Blu-Tak. This may result in your house burning down, but what is Christmas if not the smell of the charred remains of all your worldly belongings?
Gag gift
For this gift your gift-giver clearly thinks they’re absolutely hilarious. A pop-up pint glass that is collapsible so you can transport it in your pocket? That is surely priceless and unquestionably necessary for your friend who enjoys a cheeky drink. Accept that in most cases, these gifts are completely and utterly useless. They’ll get one half-hearted laugh, if that, and then mysteriously disappear from the giftee’s house as soon as the present-giver leaves.
Fashion attractive garlands with which to festoon your environment by knotting socks and/or tights together and draping them over everything with gay abandon.
Calendar
Whilst some minor effort may have been put into buying a calendar for a gift - they must have listened to know [insert celebrity/ show/animal] was your favourite - this is still a terrible gift. Imagine opening up this extremely flat, rectangular present on Christmas morning (bonus points if you somehow haven’t guessed what it is) to find a calendar. Wow, just what you wanted, something to count down the days, as we don’t live in a society where everyone keeps their lives scheduled on their phone… On the upside you can use it to count down to next Christmas where said gift-giver will have been subtly given clues for a gift you actually want. Illustrations by Em North
Wreath
Candles
Every front door needs a Christmas wreath, and probably the easiest way to fashion one would be to bend a wire coathanger into a circle and then use toilet paper and Sellotape to decorate. You could go classy and make little toilet paper flowers and snowflakes to stick on, or you could just wrap it up until you have what resembles a very small, mummified Hula Hoop - either is fine. Notice how the wreath ingeniously has an INTEGRATED HANGER on it, saving you even more time.
If you want to go really fancy, you can make your own Nativity scene using only empty receptacles rescued from your recycling bin, and Post-It notes. Draw whichever characters from the Christmas story you find most appealing (Jesus, Mary, the Angel Gabriel, Herod, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, John McClane, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character from Jingle All The Way, etc) on the Post-It notes, attach to your empty tins and bottles, and arrange until you find a tableau that pleases you.
Canned fake snow is expensive and disappointing; you’re better off just pouring piles of flour, sugar or salt all over the place. Unlike canned fake snow, baking ingredients crunch satisfactorily beneath the feet, and using salt has the extra added bonus of actually preserving the contents of your house, should your house finds itself trapped on a lengthy sea voyage in the 1700s.
Nativity scene
The Courier
lifestyle.15
Monday 8 December 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/lifestyle c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierLifestyle
arsed Xmas
pull off Christmas with the minimum of effort, cash and enthusiasm Wrapping paper No idea what to get It’s ironic, or something. This meta-present is your mates and no only to be used if you literally have naff-all to pass off as a real present. It tells the receiver that you time to get anything think they’ve got a sense of humour. Unfortunately, it also tells them that you don’t really give decent? Don’t worry, a shit about them, so be prepared for a mixed response. The trick to handing this one over is to Jack Dempsey has turn your grin up to eleven and pass the tubular parcel claiming that you’re “giving the gift of gift you covered giving”. Broken earphones
A lighter
This is an absolute classic, must-have item. If your recipient doesn’t already have a pair, boy are you doing them a solid. If they haven’t heard only the drum track of ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’ then they’re in for a hootenanny of a bus ride home. If they still do not appreciate this gift, sadly whisper, “But I broke them myself,” and then begin to cry. The recipient is sure to feel so bad that they’ll never complain or speak to you ever again.
A Metro Daysaver You’ve just bought someone the most wonderful gift anyone could ever wish for: geographical mobility. Your recipient thought they weren’t going out tonight? THEY ARE NOW. Your recipient says they were going to get a taxi? THEY AREN’T NOW. Your recipient thinks you should seek professional help? Maybe. Also, if you’re struggling to find a Metro Daysaver that’s still in date, do not feel bad about giving them an outof-date pass, as it was still worth the same cash value.
(Sm)eggnog
“But I don’t smoke,” may be the recipient’s initial response. “Then I’ve bought you an opportunity,” will be your oh-so-clever riposte. Two years later, when your friend smokes ten cartons a week and goes through two lighters a day, they will thank you heartily for helping them discover what they are: a smoker. If they do not take up smoking, remind them of all the other neat stuff you can do with a lighter, such as burning things.
Jack Dempsey shares his closely guarded cocktail recipe
1
Grace Melvin wonders why we are getting fewer and fewer gifts each year
P
resents from the parents…when did they stop caring? Long gone are the days when wish lists were followed to the letter and there was an abundance of toys waiting underneath the tree. I’m fairly sure my parents stopped caring when I learned that Father Christmas (spoiler alert) isn’t real. Apparently eight year old me responded with, “I have suspected this to be the case ever since I was a young girl”. I really was an awful little sod. Anyway, once the cat was out of the bag, my mother was then out of shits to give. If you’re unsure whether your parent cares, here’s a quick checklist for you. They don’t care if: the present is a key ring, stationary or soap, the present is something you gave them two years ago, the present is wrapped in what looks suspiciously like a Tesco bag, the gift receipt says it was bought on 24th December, it’s a £5 book voucher, or it’s a £10 book voucher.
“I’ll casually mention that I like purple and all my gifts will be purple”
F
irst of all, grab a glass. Make sure you face the label backwards, as this is traditional and not done for copyright reasons. It is then crucial to fill your glass with ice cubes, as this will make your drink look bigger, which is cool (1). Now pour in your alcohol of choice (2). I’ve used Baileys, but any other Irishman’s cream will do fine and even vodka can be used, which will give the drink a more heady, alcoholic flavour. Keep on pouring the spirit until it goes right to the brim, submerging all the ice and your general unhappiness. Plop in a couple of eggs (3).. Don’t bother breaking or beating them, as that will be done during the mixing process. If they float to the surface however, they are witch eggs, and you must immediately burn them, which can sometimes add a delicious smoky taste to the beverage. Some say that you should use a lid to mix the cocktail, but those people evidently have zero respect for tradition and are, in all likelihood, terrorists. Losing 90% of the contents is well worth shaking this drink the old fashioned way, and neighbours will look on approvingly as you stand mixing in your front garden, dousing your dressing gown in yolky jism (4). The Taste: If this drink was a woman (and by God, if only it was) I would name it Shelley, because it contained more eggshell than a Heaton kebab shop window on Halloween. However, I couldn’t actually feel the sharp edges of shell, due to the creamy consistency of the Baileys, which made each shard slide lovingly into my grateful intestines. Before reaching the bottom of the glass, I felt I’d been wrapped in a fur coat made of laughter and Santa Claus.
No more presents?
Of course some parents go even further when trying to convey the message that you are most definitely at the bottom of their list of priorities. My favourite example of this came from a friend who, in 2012, received but one lonely gift. It was a small grey floor rug. ‘Oh but it must have been cashmere or fur’, you cry. No. It was from IKEA and had multiple unidentifiable stains on it. Between crying with laughter and offering sympathy to my friend I couldn’t help but be impressed. To care that little? Might as well have not given her anything and blamed the postal service for slow delivery. My mother either doesn’t care at all or cares so much that she gets it so spectacularly wrong it’s actually painful. I’ll casually mention that I quite like purple and that December all of my presents will be varying shades of the colour. One year I made the catastrophic mistake of saying that I don’t mind owls. I am now in the possession of an owl patterned blanket, pencil case, jumper and three different owl statues. One of them has sound effects.
“At fifteen I received a T-shirt that read, ‘Take me, I’m cheap’”
2
3
The flipside to this is that one of my mother’s favourite pastimes is finding ways to embarrass me. And since I open my presents every year in front my whole family, including many male cousins, this is the perfect time to do so. At the ripe old age of 15 I received a t-shirt that charmingly said ‘Take me, I’m cheap’ and the following year received a ‘condom box’ so they “would be all neat and pretty”. A rape alarm and pepper spray have also made their way into my stocking during previous Christmases, because “you never know”. What can be said of these unusual gifts is at least my mother is promoting safe sex, albeit, in the most obscure and roundabout way possible. Apart from the ‘Take me, I’m cheap’ T-shirt, which was just rude. Thank God for gift receipts.
4 A vigilant owl creature
16.fashion
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Fashion Editors: Amy O’Rourke and Hannah Fitton Online Fashion Editor: Hannah Goldstein
Jump on this? Sinead Corkett-Beirne
With the festive season swiftly approaching, will you be donning the infa- mous Christmas jumper?
D
on’t get me wrong, Christmas is a wonderful time of year but my inner Ebenezer Scrooge suddenly comes out of the closet whenever I come into contact with a festive jumper. Bah humbug. It is one trend that I will definitely not be following – in fact I would honestly rather be seen wearing the long plain gown and matching nightcap that Scrooge famously wears in A Christmas Carol than parade around in the garish item of novelty knitwear. They are a festive fashion faux pas. Perhaps my childhood memories are partly to blame for my disliking of them, as I used to receive a hand knitted festive jumper every year from my grandmother and it pained me having to pretend that I cherished it, as I wore it simply to please her. The popularity of the Christmas jumper has increased dramatically over the past couple of years as many celebrities have been spotted wearing the garment of clothing.
“They remind me of Marc Darcy from Bridget Jones’ Diary, who is the face of the festive jumper and the trend-setter behind them”
Retailers have jumped on the bandwagon by producing an enormous range of festive jumpers with an assortment of designs emblazoned upon them – from Christmas trees to images of reindeers. The latter reminds me of Marc Darcy from Bridget Jones’ Diary, who is the face of the festive jumper and the trend-setter behind them. Like a contestant on What Not to Wear,, Christmas jumpers have under- gone a drastic revamp. If you want to look like a spare part of Blackpool Illuminations then a festive jumper featuring LED lighting is perfect. If the garment does not already turn heads - for all the wrong reasons - then it is guaranteed to with this feature. If you are on a quest to find the perfect Christmas jumper then Primark is the answer. The high-street store offers a fantastic range of jumpers at a reasonable price which is idealistic as once the Christmas period comes to an end, it is no longer acceptable to wear them other than as loungewear.
Christmas wishlist With the festive season swiftly approaching, Ellen Dixon and Hannah Fitton have put together the perfect gift guide to ease your Christmas shopping troubles
For Him £10
and under – Topman Festive Jumper £30
and under – Mi-Pac at Topman Tan Card Holder - £8
£100
and under – Rotary Watch - £99
£50
For Her
£100 and under Topshop Faux Fur Patchwork Thrown on Coat £89
and under – Dunlop at Topman Leather-Look Backpack - £32
£75
and under – Topman Black Denim Jacket - £60
£75
and under Topshop Brocade Paisley Shift Dress - £65
£50
“Primark offers a fantastic range of Christmas jumpers”
This brings me to my next question: when is it socially acceptable to start wearing them? Well, bearing in mind that Christmas begins at the end of August for the majority of retailers, this time period is suitable as the bitter cold approaches. Besides, the LED lighting will enable you to find your way around with ease as darkness descends upon us in winter.
£30
and under Leather Topshop Embroided Clutch £40
£30
and under Blighty Chelsea Boot £30
£10 and under – Topshop Tights £8
The Courier
fashion.17
Monday 8 December 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/fashion Instagram:@thecourierfashion | Facebook: facebook.com/thecourierfash |Email: c2.fashion@ncl.ac.uk |
Nina knows best
Our resident agony aunt N Nina ina Hamer amer solves readers’ wardrobe worries
Q
Q
I am going to the English ball at the end of term and want to buy a new outfit for it. I would like something that I can wear to other parties over Christmas, but something different to the standard LBD, any ideas? Thanks, Sophie.
It’s now so cold in Newcastle that I am looking to purchase some warm and cosy accessories to add to my outfits. Is there anything that you would recommend? Thanks, Kate.
A
A
Hi Kate, Here are some winter accessories that really caught my eye this season.. First off is the black leather glove, a timeless classic and will chic-up any winter outfit - formal or fancy. What I really like about these gloves is the cute scallop detail and the mix of textures with the faux leather and suede, and most of all the price - an absolute steal at just £8. My next pick is something a bit out of the ordinary and it goes by the name ‘muffler’ (yes, I haven’t heard of this before either), in simpler terms, it’s a hand warmer. I think this could be next big thing, not only does it add a lovely accent to any outfit, it saves you having to pull off your gloves any time you want to text (first world problems). Fur collars are absolutely everywhere this winter, so I thought I’d find you one a bit different from your average black or brown. This mint green Miss Selfridge number is absolutely dreamy and would look great either over a coat or with a glamorous party outfit, and with a lot of winter clothing being black, it’s the perfect way to add a popular colour to a dull, monochrome look. If you want Nina’s help, send us an email with your wardrobe worry.
Hi Sophie, I understand it can be really tough trying to find the perfect party outfit while wanting to buy something that can be worn again and again. This is why I’ve chosen three really versatile outfits for you that you can dress up in so many different ways. I’ve gone for a sophisticated look with the jumpsuit and blazer combo, I really love this playsuit as it flatters any figure and due to the simplicity of it, can be dressed up or down depending on the occasion, but for a Christmas do sparkly jewellery is a MUST. My second outfit is a very playful, girly look complete with sparkles, a prom-style midi skirt and a super-cute fluffy black heel. I would wear a winged liner and nude lip with this outfit in keeping with that 50s vibe. My final suggestion is definitely my favourite ensemble of the week, combining all the current trends in one chic outfit that is to die for. Team tailored culottes with a cute crop top to soften the look and add a playful twist, black stilettoes would finish the outfit perfectly, keeping it sophisticated and stylish..
Rock the coat
Tessa Jones and Connor McDonnell show us the cream of the coat crop
T
For her here may be a myth that Newcastle natives can easily go out wearing only a top, but for those of us not blessed with apparently cold-resistant genes, coats are most definitely required. The wind can be like a plague up here so you’ll be wise to go for one that’s thick and of good quality - then you won’t be left wishing you put another layer on. Less of a problem is the rain, so I wouldn’t really say a hood is essential and you’ll probably be okay with an umbrella in your bag. If you have a more classic style, princess and pea cut coats are your new best friends. A good quality design is made from thick, durable fabric and goes down to your mid-thigh, creating an elegant silhouette. Robe designs seem to still be on trend this winter and are cosy against the dropping temperatures, although take care with your outfit styling as it can quite easily look like a dressing gown. My particular favourites colours for coats are navy blood and
deep red shades, but I’ve seen some exciting yellow hues wandering along Northumberland Street. Additionally, patterns are still a big feature, with tribal prints and dogtooth being regular popular choices. Whatever your budget, be it Primark or Topshop, there is a highly stylish coat out there just waiting to be worn. Tessa Jones
W
For him
earing the colour ‘camel’ gives an air of extravagance, especially with swanky overcoats, like this coat from Burton for £80. Despite the luxurious aesthetics, the camel coat can be put on top of practically anything. Whether it is a t-shirt or a smart shirt, the camel coat will dominate the look, with its neutrality, yet unexplainable strikingness, of colour; it is neither beige nor brown. The camel overcoat doesn’t even need to be put on, but simply draped over the shoulders. This
idiosyncratic approach to wearing the camel coat takes it off the body and will refine its hue against what lays beneath. The peacoat is immortal. Houndstooth is immortal. Combining the two aligns one with deities. Topman have released a huge range of houndstooth coats in their AW14 collection of overcoats. In winter, the minimalism of monochrome seems the most apt style - strip that palette down to two colours. On top of a bold, black roll neck jumper, or wrapping up in a thick knit black jumper, this coat is the shroud on top of any cool monochrome combination, and will stand out amongst the gaudy, leering colours that others will be wearing. Take note from fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld, who said “Black and white always looks modern, whatever that word means.” This double-breasted piece, with its large, modish, external pockets, is a definitive statement coat for the colder seasons and is a certainly one for the ‘modern’ man for £100. Connor McDonnell
Stocking fillers Sara Macauley
Christmas stockings a mere childhood memory? Not any more
C
hristmas is around the corner, and by now we’re all well versed in the routine of the big day. After a night of dreamless sleep, you creak open your bedroom door bit by bit, tiptoe down the stairs, feel around for the crimson stocking hanging in its usual spot and, hands shaking in excitement, peer inside to discover – Santa has a major penchant for Topshop socks and Nivea gifts sets. Don’t get me wrong, I like a non-flaky body as much as the next person, but enough is enough. When you’re stockpiling body cream like you’re preparing for a semester abroad in Egypt, it’s time to have a word with the elves. Thankfully I’ve provided a little list of alternative goodies which would be FAR more appreciated on the big day. Lipstick is the perfect pressie to pop in a stocking, and with hints towards current colour trends covering the highstreet, it’s not hard to go wrong on shade. Go safe with a nude, or if you’re a bit more daring, pick out a deep berry shade, an autumn/winter must have. Practical gifts always go down well in a stocking, and this shimmery drawstring bag from Topshop is fun, wintery and can be used everyday as a cool casual alternative to the standard backpack. A pair of leather gloves are another practical pressie, perfect to surprise the fashion forward female. Who doesn’t love a novelty phone case? This Topshop Dinosaur case ticks all of the boxes when looking for a stocking filler, forgot printed novelty socks and invest in a printed phone case instead. Feel free to circle your faves and leave your copy of The Courier in the most conspicuous spot possible. Happy hinting!
18.fashionfeature
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Festive  lookbook
Make-up: Mayowa Akeredolu Models: Sara Macauley and Tessa Jones Photography: Lottie Bovill Styling: Hannah Fitton and Hannah Goldstein
The Courier
Monday 8 December 2014
fashionfeature.19
20.beauty
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Beauty Editors: Charlotte Davies and Charlotte Maxwell Online Editor: Kathy Davidson
The best of beauty
Exfoliating 2014 away Flo Davies talks us through the changes she plans to make to her beauty regime this new year
Smooth skin: The beauty benefit of coconut oil
Kathryn Holland rounds up the year with a few of her cosmetic favourites from 2014
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his year has been a great year for beauty products of all shapes and sizes, and more importantly all prices. After careful deliberation I have narrowed it down to three products I couldn’t have lived without this year. Firstly, at the cheaper end of the spectrum, L’Oreal Elvive Fibrology Double Serum. This has revolutionised my life, it’s not just a serum; it’s basically liquid gold as far as I’m concerned. You can use it when your hair’s wet or dry, just spread a couple of pumps evenly through your lengths. The transformation is basically instantaneous, mine immediately looked thicker and full of life. I have always been under the impression that the reason it looked like I had hardly any hair was that I just had less strands than regular people. This is in fact not the case, much to my surprise. Having fine hair just means having thinner strands. This serum plumps up those strands giving luxurious volume.
“A pencil user for the most part of my teen years, when my housemate introduced me to this badboy my life changed”
Next, Benefits Brow-Zing. A pencil user for the most part of my teen years, when my housemate introduced me to this badboy my life changed. The kit comes with a powder and a wax to set your brows. I love a good filled-in brow so this kit is perfect for achieving that look. You can use the wax on its own for a more natural look; what’s more the wax helps set the colour and means no smudging! Not only do your brows last all day, the product will last you a lifetime. Not a specific product, but a recent brand favourite of mine. After having some issues with dry skin earlier this year I decided to say goodbye to my trusted skincare routine and branch out to something new. After searching the internet high and low, and turning to my fave beauty bloggers for their advice I settled on giving a couple of Kiehl’s products a go. Born out of a combination of cosmetic and medicinal knowledge, the brand has something to offer for all kinds of beauty based issues. I went for the pineapple papaya facial scrub to tackle the dry skin problem. And I’m happy to say that after only a few days my skin was back to feeling soft and fresh (if not much softer and much fresher than before). After the success of my first purchase, I ventured back down to the Kiehl’s store and treated myself to a couple more of their best sellers. I went for the ultra-hydrating overnight masque and the grapefruit body scrub. Yet again I was not disappointed. I can safely that 2015 will see many more Kiehl’s additions to my beauty bag.
“Just when we thought nothing could top Black Orchid he’s only gone and brought us the scent’s sultry sister”
And finally, one not ideal for those strapped for cash, but a necessity for all the cosmetic-crazed gals out there. All hail Tom. Just when we thought nothing could top Black Orchid, he’s only gone and brought us the scent’s sultry sister. Introducing Tom Ford’s Velvet Orchid. This perfume offers the perfect combo of sweet and spice, with a hint of floral underneath. It truly was a love affair from the first whiff. With its sleek and sophisticated design the bottle is the perfect addition to any dressing table. The fragrance has become a firm favourite of mine this year and no doubt will be my staple scent for 2015.
Try new make-up trends
In the winter months, I often see myself gravitating towards and quick and easy nude complexions, however immersing yourself in the new make-up trends is an easy introduction to the New Year. An easy way to do this is by departing from that nude base. Whether your looking to wear vintage rose shade hues for a daytime look, vampy purple berry tones to complement a more formal occasion, or perhaps a sheer raspberry red, the new year is the time to experiment with the winter offerings the beauty world has to offer; adding a pop of colour on the lips is the perfect way to add a festive touch to your regular make up look. Whatever lip product you use, forget the eye shadow as the new dark lip needs a soft outline and no distraction. For an easy, effortless application simply apply the lip product directly and dab any excess with a tissue.
Exfoliate body once a week Say goodbye to dead skin cells by fitting an exfoliating body scrub into your regime. Life NK’s all Round body Scrub works wonders. Enriched with coconut oil, sweet almond oil, and sugar ester helps soften the skin, the sugar-based formula both glides onto the skin and rinses off easily. For best results, massage a generous amount of the natural scented scrub all over your body for impeccably velvety skin. The nourishing formula of this scrub leaves your skin in tiptop condition, whilst also providing for a well-prepped base for skin more amenable to moisturisation.
During the winter months, I find myself abandoning my full skincare regime and not doing enough to maintain my moisturized skin, yet an easy solution is Biona Organic Raw Virgin Coconut Oil. The big part of the recent popularity is that it’s natural, not synthetic, which is so appealing. Whilst I previously associated coconut oil as a cooking ingredient, it has come to my attention that it is an excellent skin surface smoother, improving hydration and so having the advantage over regular moisturizer. The luxe feel of the application, accompanied by the appealing aroma is enough to sway anyone in the direction of coconut oil.
Drink 2l of water daily It’s a new year, and so the perfect time to start drinking the recommended amount of water a day, Apart from the obvious health benefits, water also hydrates the body, skin and hair. While we’ve all heard that drinking water is good for our skin, here’s why you really need to be drinking all of that H2O. When the skin is dehydrated, the pores in your skin are more firm and rigid, hydrated skin has more flexible pores, which are then able to stretch and release naturally secreted oils, the more
Cosmetics cleanse
Stepping away from face make-up for at least one day of the week is something that should be incorporated into your new years resolutions. Letting the skin breathe and after ditching foundation, it’s much easier to maintain a glowing, clean-feeling completion. Chemicals in makeup have been blamed for causing dryness, irritation and acne, for those who are willing to go au naturel, stopping the use of foundation rids the skin of product build up, yet could help clear up acne breakouts, and it could stop any rashes that are caused by irritating ingredients. Apart from anything, a quick reminder that spending less time on my makeup means you get to sleep more in the morning.
Regular use of a face mask Face masks are an excellent way to maintain beautiful skin. Incorporating a face mask into your skin care regime, once to twice weekly provides for a significantly more clear and radiant complexion. Whilst regular cleansing removes dirt from the surface level of the skin, facial masks actually draw impurities out of the skin, helping exfoliate dead skin cells and unclog pores. Facial masks also flush out accumulated toxins, which helps to keep your skin healthier, at the same time, adding brightness and radiance to the skin. My personal favourite is Queen Helene mint Julep Masque; the result of the thick consistency washed off the skin leaves you feeling wonderfully revitalized and refreshed.
Made up from head to toe
Liz Rosling talks perfect full body make-overs to round off 2014
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ew Year’s Eve: on the night where so many of us will celebrate, party hard, drink too much and most likely mark our entry to 2015 with a colossal hangover, creating the perfect look to commemorate such an occasion is important. I’ll start with the tan. Now I don’t know about you, but when I hear the words ‘fake tan’, ridiculous images of streaky oompa-loompa lookalikes spring to mind. However, although pre-judgements and stigmas surrounding false tanning have reason to exist, there ARE products that can help achieve that naturally bronzed body so many of us secretly desire, and besides, with the temperature in Newcastle this December averaging at 4.2C, the winter season leaves us with zero opportunity to soak up the sun’s rays. If you’re looking for a more affordable, instant result just in time for your New Year’s night out – apply St Moritz’s Tanning Mousse after moisturizing. When applied correctly, this bargain buy really does the job in helping achieve an easy, flawless golden tan. For eyes, reflect the celebration of New Year through bold golds, pastel pinks and shades of silver. I’ve gone for a golden gel-cream with a combination of pink and silver shadows. Maybelline has some great gel-creams in their Color Tattoo 24hr Range, and if you really want to indulge this Christmas, I recommend buying one of Benefit’s eyeshadow kits. Having applied your eyeshadow, enhance with eyeliner and mascara. Bold eyeliner application on the upper eyelid creates contrast to the more delicate pastels of the eyeshadow and my
current favourite liner is L’Oreal’s Perfect Slim Super Liner. Thinner than most liquid eye-pens, this product is great for the less-coordinated (like myself), enabling easy, accurate application minus the smudges. I finish off the eyes with mascara entirely fitting for the occasion – Bobbi Brown’s Extreme Party Mascara. Three words for your New Year’s lip look: go for glitter! If you want to stand out, try something new with Belissimo’s Sparkling Lips. I bought mine from Topshop and have no regrets. Not only does the glitter look incredible when caught in the light, the water-based adhesive allows you to drink without fear of the sparkle fading. Spoilt for choice, I picked crimson to match my look, but if red really isn’t your thing, several alternative colours are available. To compliment my lips, I picked a velvet red scrunchie to help with my fun half-up / half-down hairdo. Opting for wavy loose curls I used Bleach’s Textured Swamp Spritz after conditioning and left my hair to dry naturally. If this style doesn’t appeal, pick any look that takes your fancy - as long as your hair has volume and a healthy shine I really don’t think you can go too wrong. Although all our hair is different, I have yet to hear a bad word said about MOROCCANOIL Treatment for All Hair Types, if you want your hair to have more of a glow, this nourishing oil is definitely worth a purchase. With hair, makeup and tan sorted, you’ll be ready to party your way into 2015 precisely the way you should - looking and feeling your absolute best.
The Courier
beauty.21
Monday 8 December 2014
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Get  ready  with  me
Paige  Roddam  offers  up  a  Christmassy  beauty  regime  for  a  festive  night  in  the  toon
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inding the perfect Christmas/New Year party look can be difficult, but there are a few staple items that can turn your regular going-out look into a look that sparkles. I’ll take you through my go-to Christmas party look in just a few simple steps. Step one: Cleanse, Tone and Moisturise. We all know that cosmetics can be bad for our skin, so I always make sure to prep my skin before applying any. For me, Simple’s cleanser and toner are an absolute must, especially if you have sensitive skin. As for moisturiser, I always use No7 Perfect and Protect which smells divine and has an SPF 15. After prepping skin accordingly, apply your primer. I use bareMinerals, as it provides a solid base for your foundation without clogging pores – bye bye blackheads. Step two: The Base I swear by bareMinerals, so my perfect foundation is their Ready SPF20 Foundation, which provides a smooth, matte base and is amazing for covering redness. Bronzer is also an essential, bringing
a sun-kissed warmth to your face during these cold winter nights. Apply along the sides of your face in a ‘3’ shape, starting at your forehead and working your way down across your cheeks and down to your chin. bareMinerals also do an amazing translucent setting powder to really make sure that your make-up stays in place for the whole night. Step three: Eyes We all know that eyebrows can make or break your look, so always make sure you use a small brush to force any strays into an orderly fashion. I then use MAC’s eyebrow pencil as it doesn’t need sharpening. I then apply an eyeshadow of a similar shade over the top just to hold the colour in place and even things out a bit. For my eyelids themselves, a classic smoky eye is a must, but make things a bit more festive by using shades of silver or gold. After creating the smoky eye, apply a thin (or thick, depending on your preference) line of liquid liner along the top line of lashes to add extra drama. I’ve used Benefit Push-Up Liner and L’Oreal’s Superliner Black Lacquer and both are exception-
ally good and do not budge. Mascara is obviously essential – apply as much or as little as you want, but my big tip is to start with your wrist facing in and slowly rotate your hand and brush as you apply to create more of a curl and to avoid clumps. Step four: Lips I am a huge fan of bold lips, and a classic red can never go wrong. Carefully line your lips before and after using the lipstick to make sure the edges are neat and tidy. I love MAC’s Ruby Woo as it is a bold colour and stays on all night. To make your lipstick last even longer, blot the colour and apply translucent powder between each layer – for the ultimate smudge-proof lips, I always apply two or three layers. And finally: glitter. Since it’s the festive season, go wild! Any cheap glitter will do: apply to eyelids, across cheekbones, mix it in with your lipstick, whatever you fancy. You’ll be party ready and your fab look will last all night, so no need to reapply in the bathroom.
)HVWLYH Âż QJHUWLSV
Lucy  Snowden  SURYLGHV VWHS E\ VWHS QDLO DUW LGHDV Âż OOHG ZLWK VHDVRQDO FKHHU Snowflakes 1) First, apply a base coat so the colour you put on top has something to stick to. Then take Nail Paint by Barry M in ‘Navy’ and apply two coats. I really like using Barry M nail varnishes, they’re cheap but give good colour and last without chipping. 2) Next, grab a silver and glittery nail varnish, I’ve used Revlon nail varnish in ‘Stunning’ and painted that over the blue base. It gives a good shimmery effect which is a good background for the final touches. If you wanted to keep it simple you could leave it at that, the glitter catches the light nicely 3) The last step is to apply these stickers I found from H&M, they were a bargain at ÂŁ1.50 and Christmassy enough without being too tacky. In the pack you get an assortment of snowflakes and dots in white and pink, which means you can do different designs with each colour if you wanted. Peel off a white snowflake - you need to have a fairly steady hand so you don’t crease them as the stickers are quite small! I alternated between one and two stickers on each nail so it wasn’t overkill. Winter Wonderland 1) To start, paint your nails with a base coat and then take a silver colour like Barry M Nail Paint in ‘Foil’, applying two coats to your nails 2) Just as you did with the snowflake design, paint over your silver varnish with a glitter polish such as Revlon nail paint in ‘Stunning’ to get a really lovely sparkle effect. It is quite subtle over the silver which I liked. If you wanted to go more sparkly, you could always apply another coat 3) Then, apply a white polish to the tips of the nails, a bit like a French manicure but not as carefully, as you want it to look like snow has fallen. I used Barry M in ‘Matt White’ for this part. Finally, take the white dots from the H&M nail stickers and place two on each nail to give the effect of snowfall and there you go - hassle-free festive fingertips.
Extra  hair,  H[WUD À DLU Olivia  Bucknall  discusses  the  joys  of  hair  extensions
I
’ve always craved the idea of having long and luscious hair, and despite my friends constantly reassuring me that my hair is quite long already, I wanted the volume and body of hair that I could potentially bury myself in. With my own hair definitely not coming up to scratch, back at the tender age of 14 , I took matters into my own hands and simply bought some more; I have been hooked ever since. So why are my clip-in extensions so hard to replace? Well, for me it seems like they have the least drawbacks and still allow me to have naturallooking Rapunzel locks. Personally flexibility is a biggie. I would hate to not be able to take out my hair extensions as and when I please, I love adding different amounts of hair to create diverse looks, for example on a night out I love to have big hair with lots of volume, but for an interview I tone it down but still let my hair look long and smooth. The flexibility is not only due to creativity and style, but can also be weather-dependent.
“As silly as it sounds, having twice as much hair in the winter can keep you pretty toasty�
As silly as it sounds, having twice as much hair in the winter can keep you pretty toasty, and can save you money investing in a scarf. Yet, on sunny days there’s nothing more I want than to rip out my hair extensions, as having a mane of hair can also be pretty thirsty work. Bedtime would be another problem for me if I chose a permanent method. I’ve made the mistake too many times of leaving my hair in after a night out - the matted, tangled knotted mess the next morning was definitely not worth waking up for and the idea that this would have to become part of my everyday routine with other methods makes me shiver with fear. Yet, there are drawbacks to the clip-in hair extensions, if your extra hair is sewn, taped, or melted into your roots despite it causing possible discomfort during the night it means that you cannot misplace your hair. Unfortunately, this is a usual occurrence for me and often causes me to be late for lectures! Budgeting is another issue, with the cost of quality of the hair being worth considering alone, other hair extension methods charge for the putting in, maintaining, and removing of hair which is another lengthy and expensive process that you would have to set money aside each month for. Also the whole reason for getting the extensions is to gain hair, right? Well in some cases you can actually lose mighty chunks of your natural hair due to the constant weight! Prepare to shed. The internal jokes are always good though, when people come up to me and say “Oh, I wish I had hair like yours,� it’s hard not to laugh when you know they could actually buy it too.
22.arts
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Arts Editors: Lucy Chenery and Becka Crawshaw Online Arts Editor: Jess Harman
Review: The Nutcracker
Sarah Holland goes to see the classic ballet at the Mill Volvo Tyne Theatre
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Holly Argent visits the Baltic to see feminist performance Hunky Bluff
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fter seeing the phenomenal performance Hunky Bluff by Lina Lapelyte at the Baltic on Sunday night (and still running on a high from it when I got home), I felt compelled to share the provocative splendour I’d just experienced. A choir composed of all female singers with low ‘masculine’ voices sung a repeated lyrical rhetoric of “Where are you love, well beloved?” from a George Frideric Handel opera originally intended for castrato singers. The castrati in Handel’s operas were male singers, picked out as boys, with exceptional voices. Their high soprano and alto voices were preserved by an operation when they were between the ages of seven and ten (the words ‘severing’ and ‘spermatic ducts’ give all the information you need), thus keeping the purity of their high-pitched voices whilst growing in lung-power as a grown man. Lina Lapelyte uses this tradition to subvert the (implied) polars of masculinity and femininity through women taking the role of the castrato. The audience followed the performers into a fiveplinth square stage, taking their seats to block-in the performers (through which they would eventually exit through and in-between) becoming transfixed by their forthright gaze out of the frame. Accompanied by a variety of instruments at four of the five plinths, like Greek statues they posed and carried out their verse with poise and rhythm. The start of each ‘chapter’ of the performance was like a new stage of liberation, support or perhaps grief. Exploring ideas around gender, the women kept in a congregated manner throughout; in silver-foiled, pastel-dyed jersey wear which featured sweatshirts, harem style pants and white sporty high tops (by brand Pratique Actuelle) they formed a futuristic wife group or support group. Though inexplicit, it seemed to me to be emulating, as a group, the role of the supportive woman in family life calling back their husbands from war through communal voice. And this element of female strength wasn’t only apparent in the gorgeous low tones their voices were producing; all helping each other through the transitional movements in-between platforms and poses throughout the performance, the concern and awareness for each individual seemed genuine, often helping one another onto a plinth, and only enforced the power of the female collective. To quote Lina and two of the singers after the performance - Jayne Dent and Charlotte Valetta (both Fine Art students at Newcastle University who were selected through an auditioning stage): “We really enjoyed the chance to sing as a group, meet and get to know the other performers. It felt really amazing to sing together, really empowering. Such a fantastic experience.” I can’t help but emphasise what a gorgeously mesmerising performance this was. It left you feeling somewhat emotional (and that doesn’t often happen to me) and inspired. I can’t sing for the life of me, unlike this talented lot, but it opened up the role of the female voice and what it can do in an art context. The complex emotional labour of women which often goes unnoticed in our capitalist society was exposed and I must say it was nice to see women of all ages (who were not half-naked or being outrightly feminist) propose questions of beauty and femininity through a beautifully composed and wonderfully executed piece.
f someone were to ask me if I knew any famous ballets I would probably say Swan Lake and of course The Nutcracker, a timeless tale which has captured the hearts of generations. On at the Mill Volvo Tyne Theatre, the story is based on E.T.A. Hoffman’s The Nutcracker and the Mouse King. King The libretto tells the story of Marie, a young girl, who is given a nutcracker doll by her Godfather Drosselmeyer, at Christmas time. The doll comes alive, becomes a prince and the magic begins. Marie creeps downstairs at midnight to play with her new nutcracker doll under the Christmas tree, where she is then suddenly swept away into the ultimate Christmas fantasy adventure. Along with a box of toy soldiers, the Nutcracker defeat the evil Mouse King and his army of rats who have invaded the house. The Nutcracker who is wounded during the battle then transforms into a handsome prince who falls in love with Marie. He then whisks her away through a magical winter wonderland to the Land of Snow, then on to the Land of Sweets, where the Sugar Plum Fairy entertains them with festive dances which celebrate the prince’s defeat of the Mouse King, and where Marie is transformed into a beautiful ballerina.
Winter Wonderland: The Biscuit Factory
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he Biscuit Factory open studios is a brilliant opportunity to see works by local artists in their own space, and to have a chat to reveal the process and ideas behind the wide array of work. I first entered a room which exhibited works from a variety of artists, and was immediately drawn to a large, looming portrait by Mark Carr. His two figurative works sat well together: one which detailed the contours of a human back; the other a self-portrait using the same incandescent colours with deep pools of shading which accentuated the features. In the next studio I managed to have a chat with Judith Appleby about her acrylic paintings, which were mainly local landscapes. Judith said her past career as an architect influenced the geometric shapes in the landscapes, some of which appear quite cubist and abstract. My favourite piece, however, was from her time spent in India and was a small painting of Boca da Vaca, a fountain in Pan Jin. Her use of a bright orange base tone gave a stained-glass effect and left me wanting to experience more of this style of work.
“A brilliant opportunity to see works by local artists in their own space”
Moving further through the studios I found Sam Knowles, who showed me an impressive array of hand-cut lino pieces, mainly depicting animals which were very clean-cut to give a sharp Image. He also had quite an original display of oil paintings which featured the theme of animals whilst incorporating self-portraiture. Jasmine Matthews
“This eternal winter favourite is perfect for ballet lovers and ballet novices a like”
magical journey. The dancers’ musicality makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up as they chassé and pas de bourré through the story. Their storytelling ability is second to none. The orchestra too were fabulous. Comprising of thirty musicians, the swell of sound fills the theatre. As soon as you take your seat you are instantly trapped in a Christmas tale like no other. The Russian State Ballet and Opera House have made sure that this classical, timeless ballet stays as spell binding as ever. It’s an opportunity to see it as never before with a growing Russian theatre company, which is taking a more prevalent role on the international stage. Like Marie, who wakes up on Christmas morning, at the foot of the Christmas tree, the memories of the magic didn’t fade and I was left with a radiating feeling of Christmas cheer. Take my advice, this Christmas ditch the endless hours of present shopping and see this show instead. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
St Nicholas’ Cathedral Xmas Arts Fair
The Tempest: NUTS
This eternal winter favourite is perfect for ballet lovers and ballet novices a like. Tchaikovsky’s twenty minute score is recognisable to all, whether a classical music fan or not. The Nutcracker showcases all the best-loved elements including The Spanish Dance, The Arabian Dance, the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy and the Waltz of the Flowers. The set design brings the story to life, transporting the audience with Marie and the prince on their
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wenty-six North East-based artists and designers gathered in St Nicholas’ Cathedral to share their wonderful creations with visitors from all walks of life.
“There was a wide variety of arts and crafts pieces to purchase at affordable prices for the student pocket”
There was a wide variety of arts and crafts pieces to purchase, many at affordable prices for the student pocket. The workmanship that goes into each handcrafted wall sculpture is evident in the carving of each human form into a variety of different materials. I was equally taken by the gems on offer from Tynemouth Book Art. I asked the designer Karissa about her work and she commented that she had seen the concept of etching shapes into book pages online and couldn’t resist learning how to do it: “I’ve now gone on to develop my own patterns to support my creation of unique pieces”. There was a vast array of workmanships with books as the base material around the fair. Both Things of Wonder and Tamiah Designs offered quaint selections of notebooks and diaries with interesting covers and closures. The designer of Things of Wonder notebooks commented that her work “is mostly inspired by nature and long walks i n Northumberland”, whilst Tamiah’s designs are an expression of her African heritage and created from a range of fabrics that she sources from across the continent. The wonderful backdrop of the cathedral was the perfect place to set off a beautiful collection of art from across the Charlotte Maxwell region.
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hakespeare plays are a popular feature of the NUTS repertoire, and in Joe Sample and Caroline Simonsen’s creative and accessible interpretation of The Tempest, it is easy to see why. Making it so accessible was a combination of engaging performances, a creative set and the clever use of instruments (accompanied by the beautiful voice of Beatrice Henderson). Stewarding this performance from beginning to end was Chris Theobald in a truly captivating performance as Prospero; bringing sharp wit to dialogue-heavy scenes, contrasting it expertly with intense passion in the monologues.
“A combination of engaging performances, a creative set and the clever use instruments (accompanied by the beautiful voice of Beatrice Henderson)”
Matching this intensity pound for pound was Nicholas Pople as the monstrous Caliban. And while the pacing occasionally lagged in the absence of Prospero or Cali- ban, this did not detract from what was a very polished performance. Recognition is due also for Bailey Pilbeam for a charming performance as Ferdinand and for Kassie Hopewell for her ethereal portrayal of Prospero’s ‘tricksy spirit’ Ariel. Furthermore, this review would be incomplete without a recognition of the moments of comedy handled expertly by the dynamic duo of Trinculo (Saroj Spickett) and Stephano (Tim Spalding). Illustration by Em North
George Smith
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Monday 8 December 2014
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Favourite festive faces
Lauren Hickin takes a look at her three top Christmassy book characters
The Ghost of Christmas Past A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
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fter the deeply depressing, pessimistic vision of Marley – Ebenezer Scrooge’s old business partner – The Ghost of Christmas Past represents a shift in tone for the piece. A childlike figure who, without being judgemental, illustrates for Scrooge exactly where things went wrong, this spirit was always my favourite of Scrooge’s nocturnal visitors. This much-parodied and oft-filmed tale (the Muppets version is worth a watch) never fails to touch my heart in its original form, which privileges generosity in terms of both practical support and in spirit.
Lucy Pevensie The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C. S. Lewis
Gerda The Snow Queen - Hans Christian Andersen
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n one of Andersen’s most moving fairy tales, Gerda travels to the ends of the world, overcoming trials and tribulations, to save her best friend Kai from the evil clutches of the Snow Queen. Her courage, resourcefulness, determination and the strength of her friendship merit her place on this list.
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ucy is just nine years old, but she is precociously clever, warm and genuinely kind. She is the first of the Pevensie children to cross over into the magical realm of Narnia, where it is always Winter, but never Christmas. That is, until the Pevensie children arrive to fight the White Witch at the side of fierce lion, Aslan. I loved these books as a child, and were I to choose my favourite fantasy series of all time, The Chronicles of Narnia would just edge out His Dark Materials.
Christmas snowscapes
Accessible arts Jennifer Hopps explores the arts and crafts at Durham Christmas market
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hristmas is fast approaching and if you’re anything like me it’s taken you completely by surprise. It seems only yesterday that I was scrubbing fake blood off my face (on Halloween night) and freezing to death watching the Jesmond fireworks. I suppose it’s time that I should start getting my act together. A lot of my friends have already bought all of their presents, whereas I haven’t even written my own Christmas list (that always comes first, right?). How are people so organised? If you, like me, haven’t sorted all your presents yet and are sick of buying your friends and family the same boring stuff every year, head down to Durham Christmas market to pick up some unique arty gems.
“Sick of buying the same boring stuff every year? Head down to Durham Christmas market to pick up some unique arty gems”
Durham Christmas Market is vast in size and has a huge variety of stalls: ranging from the typical foreign food stalls to a stall dedicated entirely to silkscreen-printed book covers. Many of the stalls have handmade objects which are ideal Christmas presents for your arty friends and family. These include items such as jewellery, children’s toys, fudge, skincare products (made from only natural ingredients), paintings by incredible local artists and pottery – who doesn’t love a personalised mug for Christmas?
“Durham Christmas
Maxine Davies Market is vast in size and shares with us three has a huge variety of stalls: of her favourite scenes ranging from the typical from winter paintings foreign food stalls to a stall
Hunters in the Snow (1565) Pieter Breugel the Elder
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reugel’s Hunters in the Snow is a narrative painting and the viewer’s eye is certainly drawn into the scene, discovering the many stories contained within the frame. The harsh landscape is spun on its head and given a sense of fun and community by being filled with people going about their daily routines: playing Renaissance ice hockey on the frozen lake, pulling each other around on sleds and general winter frolicking. It might be freezing but hey, at least we can do a bit of curling. Extra points because there are dogs, and who doesn’t love dogs? (Even if they are hunting dogs... it’s the sixteenth century, I’ll let them off.)
Winter Landscape (1909) Wassily Kandinsky
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ardly the sort of palette you’d expect from a winter landscape, but you’ve got to hand it to Kandinsky, there is something inherently wintery about this synesthetic mix of muted blue tones, baby pinks and an acid yellow green sky. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s so sensory—it really embodies a feeling rather than attempting to replicate a realistic landscape.
dedicated entirely to silkscreen-printed book covers”
The Magpie (1868- 1869) Claude Monet
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his wouldn’t look at all out of place on a charity Christmas card, would it? Monet was a veritable master of the winter scene, painting approximately 140 of them over the course of his lifetime. Despite the one-for-sorrow magpie and the icy blue shadows, there’s something quite inviting about this painting; although maybe I’m just being juvenile, because I don’t know about you, but I’m dying to crunch my feet right into that fresh white snow.
Monet’s The Magpie
This year, Durham Christmas Market is from 5th December to 7th December. It’s held right next to the cathedral, so why not make it a full day out and do a bit of sight-seeing as well? The train takes just ten minutes, so take a break from studying for your end of term exams/assignments and get in the Christmas mood. Pick up some unique Christmas gifts and get yourself a couple of arty treats whilst you’re at it.
24.filmfeatures
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Film Editors: Rosie Bellini & David Leighton Online Editor: Lucas Fothergill
You’re as cold as hype
:LWK D EODFN PDUNHW GHDOLQJ VSHFL¿ FDOO\ LQ Frozen JRRGV DQG SDUHQWV ¿ JRRGV DQG SDUHQWV ¿ VW ¿ JKW ing in shops over merchandise, Emma Allsopp investigates the Frozen fetish
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’m a cynic. I don’t hide it. If you’ve read anything I’ve written before, you’ll be well aware of this. So please, don’t be offended by the fact that I’m about to tear apart the 2004 romantic comedy Love Actually in a rather extravagant fashion. There’s so many things wrong with that film that I feel like I could write a fucking dissertation on it, so I’m just gonna go for the jugular and savage my pet peeves. First of all, there’s the intro at Heathrow Airport. It’s a wonderful and emotional montage of people hugging at the arrivals desk whilst the previously floppy haired fop, Hugh Grant talks about love. It’s your standard, lovely, rom-com moment until Hugh ruins it by mentioning 9/11. This film was released only 3 years after the event that marked the first decade of the 21st Century and to use this as an emotional ploy is pretty fucking shameless.
“Unfortunately the closest you get to any sexual perverse joy is Martin Freeman’s chubby arse in a fake pornographic photo shoot” As for the casting of Hugh Grant, I feel that this in itself is the film saying to potential audiences “Oh look, it’s him from all of those films. This is going to be as good as all the other ones”. The problem with the film is it pays homage too much to films like Notting Hill, Four Weddings and Bridget Jones that it just doesn’t go anywhere close to being as good. If anything, the film follows the format of a star-studded variety show that tries too hard to be liked. Love Actually is the person you know from seminars who gets described as nice but you can’t see why because they didn’t lend you a pen when you were hungover. Then you’ve got all those storylines going on at once, turning the film into a middle-class, well to do version of Pulp Fiction. You half expect Emma Thompson at one point to bring out the ball gags and then “the gimp”, but unfortunately the closest you get to any sexual perverse joy is Martin Freeman’s chubby arse in a fake-pornographic photo shoot. Unlike Pulp Fiction, only a minority of the storylines are anywhere close to being strong. The scenes with Laura Linney’s chances of a love-life being shattered by her relationship with her mentally ill brother could actually be heartbreaking if they weren’t shattered by the absurdity of the plotlines running alongside it. The scene where Hugh Grant as PM goes searching the streets for his secretary is just plain ridiculous as let’s face it, if she had indeed worked at Ten Downing Street, MI5 would have known where she last took a shit, never mind where she lived. For Martine McCutcheon and Kris Marshall this was probably their magnum opus. For Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Bill Nighy (maybe excluding Underworld), ), Colin Firth, and the, at this point, rising star Chiwetel Ejiofor this is probably the wet fart of their careers. As far as wet farts go, however, this was a wet fart that the twisted and idiotic cinema and DVD Jamie Shepherd going public, liked being splashed by.
hy is Frozen so popular? The whole world seems to be obsessed with it at the minute: there’s merchandise everywhere, riots in shops, and you can’t walk down the street without seeing a child dressed as Elsa or Anna. So why all of the hype? And more importantly, is it justified? Well, the most obvious reason why Frozen is so hyped is because it’s the highest grossing animated film ever. No matter what your opinion is, you can’t deny that it’s a commercial success. Therefore, Disney is clearly keen on making as much money from it as humanly possible, hence the merchandise that is absolutely everywhere. But just because it’s the highest grossing, does that mean it’s the best? Well, I don’t believe so. It’s a clearly a wellliked film, children especially go mad for it, but they also go mad for all Disney films. I personally love Tangled a lot more, I find it a funnier and generally just more entertaining than its icy counterpart. There’s also the classics
which I grew up with such as Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and The Little Mermaid. Frozen just can’t top those. Another huge reason why critics and fans alike have praised Frozen so extensively is because of its message, that a princess doesn’t always need a prince. This apparently ‘new’ twist has been worshipped for its values of feminism. However, if you look closely you will discover that this twist isn’t really that ‘new’ at all, in fact it was used in Disney’s own Brave,, to better avail too. The protagonist, Merida, is about to be forced to marry a boy from an opposing clan, but firmly refuses to and instead pursues archery, turning her mother and brothers into bears along the way.
“Anna falls for the first man who pays her any attention, before ending up with yet another different male character in the end. Where’s the radical feminism in that?” I’m definitely not saying I think that Brave is a better film, but I believe that Merida is a better representation of feminism than Anna, a girl who falls for the first man who pays her any attention, before ending up with yet another different male character in the end. Where’s the radical feminism in that? Perhaps that is why the media worship it so much, because it’s essentially a half-hearted attempt to incorporate feminism into an already highly restrictive ‘princess’ genre that is in some serious need of female empowerment. Now we roll into the Christmas season the hype seems to be more extreme than ever. There’s a
Frozen section in every single shop on the high street and all of the goods appear to be sold out, but is it really worth all of this insane hype? To a certain extent, yes; it’s a successful and universally loved film that will define the childhood (and adulthood) of a generation. However, it is definitely not the best Disney, or animated, film ever made despite its’ status as the most successful. If Frozen continues to be shoved down people’s throats like a pill it is eventually going to turn bitter. People are bound to get bored at some point and, as soon as the next Disney film comes out, they’ll forget all about it. If this exponential hype continues at this rate it won’t be long before Frozen, well… defrosts.
Constantly Christmassy
Keshav Hrishikesh delves deep into the world of what makes Jack Skellington the most Christmass-y of them all, and why Nightmare remains top notch X-mas excitement
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very Christmas a particular TV channel back home airs a rerun of the The Nightmare before Christmas - the delightfully macabre stop-motion musical directed by Henry Selick and based on Tim Burton’s story. This is a film that takes great delight in its aesthetic production, marking a huge jump in stop motion animation’s quality, and few animated film worlds have ever felt as fully formed as Halloweentown. The world represented here owes much to the music in this film to help set the tone. The songs here may not be as catchy as those in Disney’s 1994 movie The Lion King, but while it doesn’t have a standout single with the wit to match ‘Be Prepared’, they work very well as a whole selection, with no filler. Disney’s villains’ songs are usually the highlights of the soundtrack. It is far better to listen to Gaston boast about his conquests, Kaa’s attempts to hypnotize and strangle his prey and Claude Frollo’s diatribe than a love song. Ken Page’s song as Oogie Boogie the boogeyman is true to form the best one here.
“The songs here may not be as catchy as those in Disney’s 1994 movie The Lion King but while it doesn’t have a standout single with the wit to match Be Prepared they work very well as a whole selection with no filler”
Nightmare follows the charming Jack Skellington, the pumpkin king of Halloweentown who decides to hijack Christmas when he finds himself disillusioned with his own holiday. On some level, like most of Burton’s early 90s stories, this is about a misunderstood man longing to be someone else. But while Ed Wood, for instance, is a film about loss and failure, Nightmare is a children’s movie that teases the question – “What would happen if the grinch actually liked Christmas?” The answer to that is pure entertainment packed full of visual
gags. Benign mischief lights up this movie, which in less capable hands would have been an outright condemnation of everything that isn’t Christmas. Instead the director Henry Selick combines his trademark (which viewers of Coraline and James and the Giant Peach will recognise) with Burton’s wit. So we get an uptight Santa Claus and the humans presented as a joyless lot, unwilling to embrace something new, while the residents of Halloweentown are only too willing to partake in the festive joy of Christmas. This is conveyed most effectively by Jack Skellington, who delivers toys inspired by Wednesday and Pugsly Addams that
wouldn’t look out of place in Sid’s room to children across the land. The poor chap is then subject to character assassination by a group of philistines and promptly accused of “mocking and mangling this joyous holiday” by the media, while the army tries to shoot him out of his sleigh in the sky. And that is the charm of The Nightmare before Christmas In a Hollywood world Christmas. where animation movies regularly assault us with the ‘dare to be different’ slogan, only to embrace the status quo instead, Nightmare does the exact opposite which shows how very different it is from generic Frozen fare like Frozen.
“Animation movies regularly assault us with the ‘dare to be different’ slogan, only to embrace the status quo instead, Nightmare does the exact opposite”
As something that throws caution to the winds, gleefully embrace mothers with kids on a leash, open brain transplants, limbs separated from their owners (with alarming frequency) and an open endorsement to kidnap and torture a much loved Christmas figure, this is a rare children’s movie that embraces an older audience. So while some older brothers and sisters will introduce their younger siblings to Home Alone this year, spare a thought and consider choosing Jack Skellington over Kevin McCallister.
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Monday 8 December 2014
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“Almost finished? What else can there be? Are you going to dip it in yoghurt?” - Love Actually (2003)
Christmas
Mockingjay: Part 1 (12A)
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would like to start out by saying that – nine times out of ten – I do not agree with the modern mania for splitting the adaptation of a book into two (or even three, in the case of Peter Jackson’s *cough* retirement fund *cough* - The Hobbit). It is, most often, completely unnecessary and the sign of a naked bid to get more money out of a popular franchise. As a result, I was not surprised at being a little disappointed by the latest instalment of The Hunger Games. Whilst the production values are high and there are many powerful moments, there is just not enough plot to save this film from slow passages. By far the most engaging – and moving – scenes in this film are populated not by the leading actors, but by extras who depict the rebellion unfolding across the twelve districts of Panem, the dystopian version of America in which these films are set. Mockingjay: Part 1 follows heroine Katniss Everdeen as she wrestles with the responsibilities of becoming the figurehead for a rebellion against the brutal and corrupt Capitol, who frighten the twelve districts into submission by forcing their children to fight to the death in a televised tournament. However, she finds that the rebellion, like the Capitol, is populated with both idealists and cynics who ruthlessly manipulate those around them. The performances of the actors are, as ever, hard
to fault. Jennifer Lawrence’s Katniss eschews the patronising label of ‘strong female character’, instead embracing the messy reality of an ordinary teenager living in extraordinary circumstances. The only flaw in her characterisation, for which the screenwriters bear equal blame, is her remarkably swift recovery from the trauma of taking part in the games. As her secondary love interest, Gale (Liam Hemsworth) is given more screen time than in previous films, Hemsworth manages to lend depth to a role which would be merely decorative in the hands of a less skilled actor. I wish that Sam Claflin’s Finnick had been a greater part of this film, as his exploitative relationship with the Capitol constitutes an unusual and bold storyline for a male character in a popular franchise. Woody Harrelson is a standout as ever for his caustic yet likeable Haymitch, whilst Elizabeth Banks proves that her frothily superficial Effie Trinket is more
Re-View
Horrible Bosses 2 (15)
Muppets Christmas Carol (PG)
Crackers
Who wants a crack at Christmas Number 1 this festive season? Simon Ramshaw describes the carnage than just a walking wardrobe. New actors to the franchise include Julianne Moore as a suitably enigmatic President Coin, and Natalie Dormer as Cressida, a soldier who doubles as a propagandist for the rebel movement. All in all, this is a film in which high production values, impressive cinematography, strong performances and a well-established setting overcome the intermittent lagging in pace. As was perhaps to be expected, much of this film’s purpose seems to have been setting things in motion for the final instalment of The Hunger Games. I would question whether this splitting of the final book was necessary, considering that a single film would surely have been much more exciting to watch. More like this: Divergent (2014) Lauren Hickin
Paddington (PG)
10 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang It simply wouldn’t be Christmas without a Shane Black film. The Lethal Weapon creator made his directorial debut back in 2005 and restarted Robert Downey Jr.’s career after he’d been living in a bowl of cocaine for the better part of ten years. This festive L.A. noir also contains Val Kilmer’s last great performance (to date) as the unconventional private-eye, Gay Perry. 9 The Polar Express Robert Zemeckis’ saccharine adventure aboard the eponymous magical train is as family-friendly a treat as you’re likely to find over the Christmas season, and it’s just the right amount of sentiment to make you believe in the North Pole’s magic again. Now stick on that kettle and make some hot chocolate. 8 Iron Man 3 Another Shane Black offering sees him take the Marvel Cinematic Universe in a bold new direction, giving Iron Man a clean slate to work off for further instalments and taking an unexpected view towards famous villains. All set at Christmas. 7 The Proposition Further tenuously-festive films continue in The Proposition, a western set in the Outback in their baking hot winter. Depressing antics ensue as Nick Cave weaves a story of fratricide, betrayal and festering heat to his own music. An unexpected Christmas masterpiece.
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here are some things that are inevitable in life. There is no such thing as a free lunch, nice guys finish last and The Muppets transcend generations. Let’s be serious for a second. The Muppets are just awesome. Whether you are a little tyke or a middle-aged man, everyone loves The Muppets. I am still a huge Muppets fan to this day, seeing myself as a Fozzy Bear type, and a firm believer that The Muppets make everything better. The Godfather, Sophie’s Choice and even 12 Years a Slave could all be improved by a Muppet version. The Muppets made a huge impact back on the scene with their 2011 film, The Muppets, which was robbed of an Oscar nomination. Before then they created one of the best Christmas films of all time: The Muppet Christmas Carol. We have had many, many adaptations of the classic A Christmas Carol but none come close to this childhood classic near to my heart. I know what you are thinking, how can it be that good? Did I mention that the famous Ebenezer Scrooge is played by none other than Michael Caine! Now you have a film with The Muppets and Michael Caine, just watch this film now; or else. The actual film itself is the same story we all know and love. Re-watching this film I couldn’t help but smile ear to ear at the continuous charm of The Muppets. It’s hard to imagine chemistry between Caine and every single Muppet on screen but it is there. Caine plays this character flawlessly and manages to create heart-warming moments between his puppet comrades. With some very famous Christmas songs and some great original songs, which is a standard in any Muppet film, it truly engrosses you with the Christmas spirit. This film is utterly charming and takes you back to your childhood, share with anyone who hasn’t seen this film and maybe wear a Fozzy Bear onesie at the same time. More like this: It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (1998) Joshua Morris
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orrible Bosses 2 has no right to be as good as it is. A belated sequel to an averagely ten-a-penny Hangover-lite farce, the warning signs were severe. Calling back Kevin Spacey for only a brief cameo and Jennifer Aniston for another woefully-unfunny supporting role, it’s a sequel very few wanted. Colour me surprised when Sean Anders’ follow-up joins the extensive roster of 2014 sequels that are actually superior to their originals. Instead of plotting to murder their bosses, Jason Bateman, Jason Sudekis and Charlie Day are their own bosses; entrepreneurs, if you will, with their creepily-named bathroom product, ‘Shower-Buddy’. When they are granted a wonderful offer from mogul Christoph Waltz, they bite at the hand that feeds quickly enough for it to slap them in the face. Still psychotic enough to commit crime to gain sadistic satisfaction, they turn their lack of expertise toward kidnapping instead. Silly antics ensue. The way Horrible Bosses 2 pans out is essentially the same as the first film, with clumsy home invasions, climactic car chases and stupid stand-offs forming the main set-pieces of the film. Everything is bigger here but it’s oddly better. The car chase is genuinely creative and unexpectedly exciting, with one sight gag being constructed with the skill of a 1980s Leslie Nielsen film. Visually and technically, the film is mostly unremarkable, but that’s secondary to the ensemble cast. Still being headed by the aforementioned trio, our ‘heroes’ possess a likeable everyman quality, despite their juvenile vulgarity and Bateman’s frustrating knack for playing it straight. Jamie Foxx returns triumphantly as the fantastically-named ‘Motherfucker Jones’, but it’s Chris Pine who is the biggest revelation as a playboy who has a knack for playing everyone off each other. It’s not going to win any Oscars, and it might not even in the top five comedies of the year, but Horrible Bosses 2 isn’t nearly as horrible as you expect it to be. More like this: 9 to 5 (1980) Simon Ramshaw
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elightful, utterly delightful. When I first heard they were doing a live action adaptation of one of the world’s most famous bears, I rolled my eyes. Horrific thoughts of Scooby Doo and The Smurfs flooded my mind making me shiver with fear. I had no interest in putting myself through it. My scepticism and lack of enthusiasm grew as the first trailer hit us. Before watching the film I was a tad charmed from other trailers and positive word of mouth. However, I was blown away. I did not expect this film to be bearable (get it) never mind to be one of the best films of the year and the best family film we have had in a long time. Paddington brings the bear with the red hat and blue coat to the big screen as he travels to London in search of a home, which he hopes is in the form of the Brown family. Many of you will know that Colin Firth was scheduled to voice Paddington but was replaced by Ben Whishaw. This was a great move as Whishaw brings a youthful and playful voice adding a fun, relatable side to this childlike bear that Firth wouldn’t have managed. The rest of the cast was superb with a plethora of amazing British actors. This includes a great performance from Hugh Bonneville as Mr. Brown, the hard-nosed dad, who had tremendous on screen comedic timing with Paddington, which only enhanced the charm of this film. I was in tears throughout the beautiful 90 minute runtime. It is incredibly self-aware and on the nose with itself which gives the film a refreshing feel. The jokes are for all audiences, not just kids, and are a mixture of slapstick and pure wit. I knew Paddington would be popular but I did not realise it would utilise its cross generation appeal like no other film, Muppets excluded. Kids will inevitably love it, adults will love this film and stuck up film fans like me will love it. A perfect family film for the Christmas season. More like this: Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009) Joshua Morris
6 Batman Returns What could be more Christmassy than penguins? Why, Danny DeVito creepying it up as THE Penguin, of course, in Tim Burton’s final Batman film. The Christmas shopping season hits hard as Michael Keaton’s Batman takes on the aforementioned birdman, Michelle Pfeiffer’s jaw-droppingly sexy Catwoman and Christopher Walken’s bewigged department store owner. 5 Brazil Sleighbells soundtrack home invasions by totalitarian governments, and the closing lines of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol get a very messy treatment in Terry Gilliam’s surreal dystopia. The film also works as a friendly, healthy reminder from the Conservatives that we’re “all in it together” until the next election. 4
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
The all-American Griswold family stay at home for their Christmas vacation this time, but that’s still not enough to stop patriarch Clark from going completely insane yet again as his extended family and job worries converge on the holiday season. Chevy Chase is iconic in what is probably the funniest festive movie ever envisaged. 3 In Bruges Colin Farrell’s remorseful hitman hides out “in fookin’ Bruges” with veteran Brendan Gleeson as snow falls on the medieval city. Touching, hilarious, vulgar, it’s the riskiest Christmas movie ever created, not least of all for its cocaine-hoovering, racist dwarf, Jimmy. 2 Die Hard “Ho, ho, ho. Now I have a machine gun,” read Bruce Willis’ taunts to Alan Rickman’s suave terrorist in the merriest of Christmas action movies. Inspiring countless other imitations, the original is the best of its kind and giddy midnight-at-Christmas-with-a-beer viewing. 1 It’s a Wonderful Life Should be called It’s A Wonderful Movie.
26.tvhighlights
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
TV Editors: Helen Daly and Ellie McLaren Online TV Editor: Rebecca Dooley
TV Rewind
A
h, another fine year for television, who can say that it wasn’t? Let’s not lie, I have some broad televisual tastes, some of which I’m often at pains to divulge my guilty pleasures. Oh well, I suppose I might as well share them with you all. My top five of 2014 have been:
Esio Trot
ITV, Monday, 9pm
Dance Moms Well, what can I say? It’s the most addictive show on TV at the moment. This has been my favourite show of the year. I often come home from uni to watch Dance Moms, I can’t explain why I like a bunch of middle-aged women screaming their head off at each other, I just do.
Great British Bake Off I don’t normally watch GBBO, but this year I was just totally hooked by it all. Never before have I realised that food can be so beautiful, and that I’ve wanted so much food so badly. The amount of innuendoes dished out made me a very loyal fan indeed.
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f you’re looking for that festive feeling this Christmas, look no further than a cup of hot chocolate, a warm fire and Roald Dahl’s Esio Trot. This popular adaptation of a children’s novel is set to really warm your cockles on that very special day in which Mary endured hours of endless agony. Announced at the Edinburgh Fringe in August 2013, Esio Trot (easily one of the Beeb’s better ideas) is an hour and a half long TV film that quickly became part of their roster for the holiday season. Following in the footsteps of adaptations such as Fantastic Mr Fox (shown last Christmas) and the multitude of films spawned from Dahl’s wonderful novels, Esio Trot looks set to be absolutely spiffing – although to be fair any adaptation of Roald Dahl’s work is usually brilliant because the source material is always pure gold.
Vera Yes, I am secretly your grandma, who loves crime dramas of any sort. Don’t judge me, I love Vera I’ve even started to read the books, and I can’t even read. I’m drawn to the fact that it’s all set and based in the North East, I can recognise the locations, understand the accent, but I can never work out whodunit.
Utopia Oooh, this show was just fabulous, oooh, everything looked so pretty and excessively stylised. It was one slick scary sci-fi. It quickly gained a cult status, and it was a refreshing Great British Drama. I have no idea what the hell was happening, but I certainly loved watching it.
Extreme Cheapskates My own dad must have taught this lot how to be so cheap. I mean, why waste money on buying more mouthwash when you can just spit it back in the bottle? Or wasting money on clothes when you can just ask grieving families if you can have their dead relatives’? Okay, okay, so my dad isn’t as bad as that, sorry Dad.
The story follows Mr Hoppy, a quiet but smart man who is completely in love with the woman downstairs – in this case, Mrs Silver. Unfortunately Hoppy remains eternally unnoticed by Silver, aside from the odd polite conversation. Things change, however, when Mrs Silver asks Mr Hoppy for advice regarding Alfie (her small and well-adored pet tortoise). Her pet has grown very little over the past few years and Mrs Silver admits she wished she could make him bigger, a “larger more dignified tortoise” is what she requires. Suddenly our protagonist has an idea, a master plan to help Mrs Silver’s tortoise grow bigger and win her affections at the same time. I shan’t spoil any more but let it be known that from this we get a veritable marquee of turtles roaming around a living room, lots of lettuce, lots of poop and a whole lot of backwards tortoise poetry: ‘ESIO TROT, ESIO TROT, TEG REGGIB REGGIB! EMOC NO, ESIO TROT’. As one of Dahl’s last published stories Esio Trot holds a special place in the heart of many a young boy and girl and if, like I, you grew up reading such
Downton Abbey
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Rebecca Dooley
Miranda
Doctor Who
ITV, Christmas Day, 8.45pm fter a frankly bizarre season 5 finale by Downton Abbey, the Christmas Day special is under a lot of pressure to live up to expectations and leave audiences suitably happy. The season 5 finale left us with Anna being arrested, a plot line which is so unbelievable with the police having visited Downton a ridiculous number of times - I wonder how much Scotland Yard spent on train fares for this wishy-washy case of Mr Green’s death? But perhaps the Christmas special will finally answer the big ‘whodunnit?’ There were marriage bells when Lady Rose married Attitcus Aldridge but don’t worry if this was a shock to you when tuning into the finale, it was a blink and miss it moment with their proposal/ engagement the previous episode. Will newly married life be going swimmingly in the Christmas episode, or not everything that they had hoped? Just imagine a full scale domestic over Christmas dinner; Carson would have a heart attack. Will the notoriously dignified Dowager melt for the Russian silver fox Kuragin? Or will the long lost Princess miraculously turn up just as things are heating up between the pair? Speculation is rife but we know for sure that writer Julian Fellowes isn’t afraid to stir things up by killing off one of the principal characters (I’m still not over the death of Matthew, there was no yuletide festivity in that decision). But luckily for us Hugh Bonneville who plays Lord Grantham, has promised viewers that this years Christmas special will be “very heart-warming.” We can only all tune in after our turkey dinner haze to find out.
wonderful tales, you’ve got bloody good reason to be excited for this adaptation. Starring head of MI6 and full-time frowner Judi Dench as Mrs Silver and suicidal salesman Dustin Hoffman as the shy Mr Hoppy, the casting already looks excellent. Both Dench and Hoffman are capable of playing big, flashy roles as well as small character driven parts, although in my opinion I’m really hoping for the latter and it looks to be a real power pairing. Producer of the show, Hilary Bevan Jones, said she was most pleased to be able “to bring together two of the world’s favourite actors in Dame Judi and Dustin”, calling it a “dream come true… [Richard Curtis and Paul Mayhew-Archer] have captured the magic of Roald Dahl’s wonderful tale and I am thrilled that Dearbhla (Walsh) is to direct it”. So if the prospect of Dahl, Dench and Dustin isn’t enough to shake you from your turkey coma on Christmas day you might want to hold back on the roast parsnips because this is something you just can’t miss, put it on record or something – whatever the case, as always…watch it. David Leighton
BBC1, Boxing Day, 9pm
BBC1, Christmas Day, 6.15pm
I
t only seems like last week that Matt Smith was gearing up for his last episode to air on Christmas Day 2013. That was almost a year ago, and a lot has happened for Doctor Who, namely one Mr Capaldi stepping into the role of the travelling Time Lord. Come Christmas Day, this time in 2014, you’ll only find me in one place in the evening: right in front of the TV waiting for Capaldi’s first Christmas outing. The stakes have never been higher for the man from Gallifrey after that tragic ending to the series eight which saw (*SPOILER ALERT*) his friend and travelling companion Clara depart the TARDIS for what seemed like the final time. It was heart-breaking. Clara lost everything, from her love to her friend; it was a harsh ending for a nice character, even by Moffat’s standards. I for one was pretty pleased when I saw in pictures and trailers that Clara will be returning for the Christmas special, scarily named ‘Last Christmas’. Now either this episode will focus heavily on Wham’s Christmas classic of the same name, or, more likely, Clara’s ending will come raining down us like a shower of heart-breaking Christmas presents. On a lighter note, it’s good to see Nick Frost making his Doctor Deb-Who-t as everyone’s friend, Santa Claus. Some kind of Who-intuition tells me not to trust this guy; but they wouldn’t really make Santa evil, would they? Doctor Who is always my Christmas Day highlight. For me, it wouldn’t be Christmas without it so I’m sure that Capaldi will rise to the challenge and deliver, just like he has all series. Helen Daly
I
bloody love Christmas. That’s a statement I need to make to emphasise how Miranda Hart has really dampened my spirits, and that’s not good. This winter were being treated to not one, but two Miranda specials, a fact that is very exciting indeed. Miranda is one of those sitcoms that you can just watch again and again, with Hart having comic timing and a quirky personality that is totally relatable on every level. Of course the show doesn’t rest solely on her shoulders, with supporting characters like the zesty Stevie and gorgeous Gary providing the perfect counter balance for our zany heroine. So my Christmas evening is sorted: I’ll be sat on the sofa with some Christmas chocolate and a nice glass of sherry, delighting in the revelry and spectacle of one of my favourite sitcoms. The problem is that these specials are really bittersweet. Hart has now stated multiple times that this will be the end of the show, and whilst I appreciate the fact that Miranda as a character can’t keep falling over in life forever, I really feel like this is a mistake: we’ve only had 18 episodes, that’s less than your average American show does in their first season! So at the end of the day, can I really enjoy these festive Miranda treats? As much as I want to see how she tackles two marriage proposals alongside the daily challenge of being a functioning human being, I can’t help but think that the best thing for me is to just not watch them, because no matter how good the ending will be, it just doesn’t feel like the right move Chris Addison
The Courier
featurestv.27
Monday 8 December 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/tv c2.tv@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_tv
FesTVities
The Courier TV writers present a selection of the best (and one of the worst) Christmas specials of recent years
Gavin and Stacey Laughter. Arguments. Love. Mint Baileys. The Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special has everything we hold dear about the festive holiday - even the Band Aid song makes an appearance, with special mention to Midge Ure (you know, like Midgeure Cheddar). First shown in 2008, you can watch the mismatched union of Billericay and Barry year after year, laughing away at all the same parts. As Nessa Claus says: “Oh oh oh, Merry Christmas”.
The Peter Serafinowicz Show
Rosie Bellini
Downton Abbey What even was this travesty, if not the m o m e n t when Downton Abbey went from being great Sunday night viewing to an embarrassing, soap-operatic parody of its former self? After a fantastic Christmas episode the previous year, in which all the disparate narrative threads of the last season were woven together (and Matthew and Mary finally got together), this was an epic failure. It wasn’t particularly Christmas-themed, with most of the attention focused on the birth of Matthew and Mary’s baby and an inexplicable trip to Scotland. The worst part? A beloved character died at the end of it. That is not Christmas special material. Lauren Hickin
Tessa Jones
Doctor Who
Once upon a time (in 2006) The Doctor visited the Titanic, or rather a space equivalent of the Titanic which was travelling to Earth to experience the ‘tradition of Christmas’. Here we met a cyborg red cactus, angelically evil robots, Alonso (one of the cutest side characters ever) and Kylie pretending to be a waitress. Truly one of the best episodes, filled with a mix of action, emotion, and Bernard Cribbins. A perfect Christmas episode. Sophie Baines
The Vicar of Dibley When vicar of the parish, Geraldine, mentions on a whim she has nowhere to go for Christmas dinner, the good-natured if slightly bonkers residents of the village are all quick to amend the situation- resulting in the infamous ‘Christmas Lunch Incident’. Three epic dinners, a sprout-eating contest and an Easter cardigan later, this episode cements itself as a festive favourite, serving course after course of laughter and Christmas cheer. Emily Jeffrey
The Royle Family The Royle Family made the perfect Christmas specials. Whilst managing to capture the original dry mundanity of the series they always added extra tenderness and true affection for their characters, even though later specials saw slapstick creep in a way unusual for a show that prided itself on its reality: sharing a bubble bath with a defrosting turkey for example. It went out with bang in 2012 and the festive schedhasn’t been the same since. Grace Brown
Tria Lawrence
t’s that time of year again. You’re at home, exploiting the free food, heating and paid TV licence to their absolute limit. Vegging in front of the TV is always best at Christmas because that is when you get the Christmas specials. Filled with cheer and cheese, they’re what Christmas is all about (after Jesus and family and turkey of course). Now for this reason, Christmas is also a special time for tropes; there are some tropes that never see the light of day until the daylight hours are at their lowest. Now after my insinuation that Christmas was mostly about TV, I should probably discuss The True Meaning of Christmas. This is almost always the cheesiest of them all. A character is suffering in some shape or form, whether they’re being bullied, ill or just everything has gone wrong for them. As a result they can’t enjoy anything about Christmas. But then they discover The True Meaning of Christmas, which will almost always be something to do with being with your family and giving rather than receiving. Watch any children’s programme this holiday and you are bound to find this.
“The motto of this is essentially: it’s Christmas, it can’t all be depressing. Which it definitely shouldn’t be, not with the amount of free food I’m planning on ingesting”
Illustrations by Nina Hamer
As Brian Butterfield puts it, “Christmas is about giving back to the community” and what a gift he gave us in the way of a Christmas special. With hilarious and ingenious sketches featuring Grandma Butterfield’s Christmas Pizza with featured toppings of baby pork cylinders, non-calendar dates and Hibernian eggs, the ‘betterthan-the-Xbox’ Buttertendo© and 10 New Years’ Resolutions such as Number 8: Hatch an egg and Number 9: Escape the clutches of Scientology. Every time Christmas rolls round, it is an absolute treat to stick on the telly, especially after the inevitable coma eating the Christmas Pizza will bring. Indigestion tablets anyone?
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The land of trope and glory
a ule
One of the other popular tropes this season is the Christmas Miracle. Like the last trope, everything has gone wrong for your characters in this episode, or even this season! It feels like they can’t catch a break: they’re bankrupt, dying, lost their job or their family – you get the idea. They arrive at the point where so much has gone wrong there is simply no light left at the end of the tunnel. But then, the higher powers that be decide that maybe it’s time to give the poor characters a break and help them out a bit. Although you get this in a lot of Christmas episodes, it’s especially prevalent in things like Casualty, where someone seems to be on the verge of death but somehow they still have a heartbeat – just enough to keep them alive and for the doctors to help them make a miraculous recovery. The motto of this is essentially: it’s Christmas, it can’t all be depressing. Which it definitely shouldn’t be, not with the amount of free food I’m planning on ingesting.
“For some reason snow rounds up a Christmas story perfectly. It’s peaceful and allows for both you and the characters to have a moment of quiet reflection about everything good in life”
I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas is probably the most popular trope at Christmas time. If we’re honest with ourselves, how often does it really snow in late December? It might do occasionally, but it’s not nearly as much pictures on Christmas cards like to make out. Yet, without fail, every Christmas episode you watch will have snow appear in some shape or form. In some cases you might think it’s reasonably believable, but when you realise you’re watching a show set in California, it starts to push the boundaries of believability. But if you let yourself be sucked into believing that the snow is real, this can be the most rewarding trope. For some reason snow rounds up a Christmas story perfectly. It’s peaceful and allows for both you and the characters to have a moment of quiet reflection about everything good in life. Then you get to have an awesome snowball fight scene which is always worth waiting around for.
28.music
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Music Editors: Jamie Shepherd, Dominique Daly and Chris Addison
Electronic Blanket In our last trip to clubland before Christmas, Max Palmer-Geaves presents “jackin bangers” and techno from the wilds of Glasgow Hannah Wants @ Digital 12th December I first heard Hannah Wants on her track ‘I Still Love You’ which is now a jackin’ anthem. Last year we decided it would be a good idea to go and see her set alongside My Nu Leng at Digital which was honestly one of the filthiest evenings I’ve ever been to. I’m not usually a big fan of Digi but Wants’ perpetually pounding set of bass-heavy anthems lent itself to the dry ice-drenched main room. With latest release ‘Rhymes’, a Lorenzo collaboration similar to their previous effort ‘Dappy’, she has solidified her position as one of the stand-out female DJs who loves a jackin’ banger. She’s sure to have you bouncing off the walls. Listen to: Hannah Wants - ‘I Still Love You’ Karma Kid @ Ill Behaviour 9th December I still really don’t get all the hype around Karma Kid. I tend to like his songs individually but as an artist he doesn’t seem, to me at least, to have a coherent sound. There’s been a lot of buzz around Karma Kid, which I don’t think he’s really lived up to. His remix work is very good and older tracks like ‘In My Arms’ show just what a talented producer he is in five and a half minutes of irresistible euphoric summer anthemia. The last time I saw him though, his set was truly awful though as he’d indulged in something he shouldn’t have, which clearly put him on the wonk. Still, we all make mistakes. Listen to: Karma Kid - ‘In My Arms’ JG Wilkes (Optimo) Vs. Last Waltz @ Cosmic Ballroom 12th December This should be a fairly groovy evening Actually, no, it’ll be outrageously groovy. Half of Optimo in the form of JG Wilkes will be playing back to back with Last Waltz, the Tourist residents. Optimo as a pair are something of an institution, having founded Scotland’s first techno club Pure, which was host to acts such as Richie Hawtin. Off the back of their club night success they started a handful of record labels, which put out artists such as Orlando Voorn. If you want to see a seamless set of the same stuff then this will not be the night for you. Wilkes is likely to throw in plenty of curveballs mixing through techno, house and electro, basically anything slightly out of the ordinary. Listen to: Any of Optimo’s b2b boiler room sets You Need To Hear This – Seekae Though they already have two albums and several EPs under their belts, it’s their latest release The Worry which really stands out as outstanding. A beautifully eclectic album which draws on its influences and binds some sort of neo-folk songwriting with intricate beats that lean towards melancholic, downbeat house. Overall, the album is a really interesting listen and well worth the time if you need a gateway into their sound I recommend ‘Monster’ which sounds like it was written in a Parisian café in an empty square during the early hours. Listen to: Seekae - ‘Monster’
Max’s show The Electronic Blanket on NSR, every Sunday, 8pm
The London Sessions Mary J Blige M
ary J Blige’s thirteenth full-length release The London Sessions was leaked in its entirety on 26th October, to critical acclaim. The album was recorded in the space of a month, with Mary J Blige collaborating with a variety of artists, ranging from Disclosure to Sam Smith, Naughty Boy to Emeli Sandé – with an eclectic A-list of co-writers. The ten tracks on her latest offering serve to prove that Mary J Blige is still a musical heavyweight in her own right.
“Her latest offering proves that Mary J Blige is still a musical heavyweight”
The collaborations on the record are easy to pick out – it’s clear that Mary J Blige has been influenced by her co-writers, but this is NO BAD THING. From the experimentally awesome ‘My Loving’ (written with producing legend Rodney Jerkins), to the gutsy doo-wop of album opener ‘Therapy’ (co-written with Sam Smith; the first few bars are enough to give that away) Mary J Blige uses this record to stay relevant and remind us of her amazing set of pipes.
after just one listen all the way through, I’m convinced that Mary J Blige needs to make a dance record next. Her voice is charismatic and unique enough for her to make each synth-infused track on her album hers, even though it seems she’s ceding control to Disclosure on standout tracks ‘Follow’ and ‘Right Now’. She still manages to show her creative versatility as an artist with (clearly) great instincts. ‘Nobody But You’ is a perfect balance between Mary J Blige and her collaborators – the track is definitely one of the shining moments on the album. ‘Not Loving You’, ‘Doubt’ and ‘Long Hard Look’ are tracks that throw back to the honest soulfulness we’ve come to know Mary J Blige for – think 2005’s release ‘The Breakthrough’, but better.
“I’m convinced that Mary J Blige needs to make a dance record next”
More than this
If you liked this, you should check out these classic R&B bangers The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill - Lauryn Hill When the lead singer of the band behind one of the greatest rap albums of the 90s went solo, you knew it wasn’t going to be an album you’d forget about. Fugees’ Lauryn Hill wrote the majority of the album in her attic when pregnant with her first child, resulting in a firestorm of sass that channeled the energy of every soul great before her.
‘Pick Me Up’, written with Naughty Boy, is an eclectic mix of piano, sax and dance beats and has an ‘old meets new’ vibe to it. It feels like a sonic statement of intent, a manifestation of her new direction as an artist. The record is thrilling – it’s fresh and new and
‘Whole Damn Year’, written with Emeli Sandé, is a track to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. Empowering and evocative, the grooves are uplifting. It isn’t difficult to imagine the song becoming an anthem live. The song ends with a recorded clip of Mary J Blige talking frankly about living her life in the public eye and it feels like an endearing insight. As someone who’s only ever dipped in and out of Mary J Blige’s back catalogue, and mostly been an outsider to R’n’B in general, this record was enough to make me indulge whole-heartedly in a shameless Mary J Blige Spotify binge. This record is a brilliant one. I’ve been taken aback by just how good it is, and just how much I enjoyed it. Here’s twelve tracks that are definitely all killer, no filler. Iqra Choudhry
Rock or Bust AC/DC
Live in London Kelis
Music Industry 3. Fitness Industry 1. Mogwai
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“Mary J Blige uses this record to stay relevant and remind us of her amazing set of pipes”
C/DC’s new album Rock or Bust brings about the classical rock vibes established from the very early days of one of the greatest rock bands in history. It’s based upon heavy guitar riffs akin to ‘Back in Black’ and ‘Highway to Hell’, Rock or Bust brings us AC/ DC’s best. The opening number, ‘Rock or Bust’, brings the catchy riff. The spacious lead guitar chordal riff is used as expected throughout the song – a motif being returned to throughout to create perfect unity for the duration of the track. Brian Johnson’s vocals are in their usual shrieky style, adding the topping to an already established sound. The second track of the album brings out the more complex guitar riff, Young shredding the guitar for the duration of the song. The memorable chorus, “Let’s play ball”, will be sung around arenas over the coming years. Each song on the album follows a conventional style: the drums consist of a typical 8-note drum beat; the rock ‘n’ roll bluesy guitar chord patterns; quick and complex guitar solos; and powerful vocals. With each song that passes, you can’t help but tap your foot to the beat. A slight issue is the beat to every song. Whilst the album is brilliant and sounds as expected by AC/DC, each song is formed upon the same formulated idea. This will be great for a live performance, but does give a sense of monotony to it. It wouldn’t hurt to have altering drum beats or songs in slightly different time signatures. Despite this, the album is still a great blend of head-banging and sing-along songs. The 15th studio album by AC/DC brings the expected material. Whilst not necessarily containing any world beaters, the album is still enjoyable to listen to and one which brings back real rock. George Suddaby
ive albums don’t often work for me. Like, who wants to hear an audience screaming all the way through your favourite songs? Or one of your favourite artists who has more bum notes than a homeless choir, because they only sound good with Autotune? Kelis, thankfully goes above and beyond my expectations - this is a really awesome live album. What’s her secret? The secret is that Kelis can actually sing live, and her voice has got better with age. The smooth voice that we came to love during the Tasty era has evolved into a gorgeous husky, smoky voice. Just take her opening track, a cover of ‘Feeling Good’ as it’s the voice just makes it. She blows the Bublé out of the water, and I love Michael Bublé. It lacks, however, the pizazz and drama of Nina Simone’s sublime original. There are some old favourites on the album, ‘Milkshake’, ‘Bounce’ and ‘Acapella’ all feature on the new album, but are reinterpreted in some new ways. Gone are the heavy electronic beats, replacing them is a full jazz band, with ‘Milkshake’ also benefitting from some jazz-ness. The jazz just lifts the album; it sounds and feels bright. It brings jazz to a new audience, one that knows Kelis more from her R’n’B and soul days. ‘Acapella’, already a great song, is also reworked into something more funky and fresh. Kelis has turned herself on her head and reshaped our views on her. She is still one sassy lady, but also one much classier lady, with a decent back catalogue and voice to boot. The album probably won’t sell as well as her past works, but I feel Kelis is trying hard to gain more and more critical acclaim. She is a woman to be taken seriously and this is a seriously solid album. Jack Parker
CrazySexyCool - TLC When you’re booty clapping in theCut to ‘No Scrubs’ on a Wednesday night it’s easy to forget that TLC have an impressive back catalogue of albums. Classics on this one include ‘Creep’, ‘Waterfalls’ and a cover of a song by pint-sized pop legend Prince (or whatever name he was going by at this point).
f we take a look at Mogwai’s debut, the frankly classic instrumental art rock of 1995’s Young Team, we find a band almost alien to the one we hear on their latest EP. Opening track ‘Teenage Exorcists’ comes as a big shock, sounding like a catchy shoegaze Interpol. Although it certainly is quite catchy, it is repetitive, predictable and frankly quite boring. Lacking the depth of early Mogwai and the experimentation of the later stuff, it is very disappointing. However, things are lifted as the atmospherics of ‘History Day’ bring a familiar depth; we welcome it with open arms and let the chilling guitar lines wash over, it is refreshing to say the least. Finally a glimpse of the creative juggernaut that is Mogwai. Once the monster has stretched its muscles the band seem to get back into their stride, the EP writhes in a way that only Mogwai can make it. On the second half of the EP is a series of remixes. ‘Blank Mass’ goes first and their take on ‘Re-remurdered’ is a spectral affair. While both dark and colourful, with alien noises being shoved in your ear holes, its sound suits its creepy title. The subsequent remixes are both much more atmospheric but no doubt just as engrossing, these eclectic mixes make for rivetingly interesting listens. On Music Industry… Mogwai stretch their creative muscles with their distinct different sounds. They create an EP that divides opinion on every song but with sounds we have heard before. We expect more innovation from a band known for it. What really makes this EP is the remixes; they put a beautiful slant on the songs they mix, each brings something new and brilliant to the table. Ironically, this is what we expect of Mogwai.
Liam Keeble
The Courier
music.29
Monday 8 December 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/music c2.music@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_music
Christmas Time (please let the bells end)
How to write a Christmas number 1
Ever thought you could write that spot-on Christmas number one? Songwriter George Suddaby has - here are his top 5 tips on how to pull off that perfect Christmas cracker
1
Know what you’re talking about This sounds pretty self-explanatory really, but you have to have a good grasp on your aim. There is no point writing lyrics about how “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” or how “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” if you don’t actually want to sing about Christmas. There have been some great Christmas number ones which haven’t actually been about Christmas. However, if that is the aim do some research and make sure you aren’t regurgitating the clichéd lines.
2
Have a good chord pattern This is one of the most important things when writing a song as it forms the basis which everything else will either adhere to or add variation to. When I am writing music I spend the most time finding a chord pattern which works. Not all of them will be unbelievably complex and containing fifteen inversions of one chord – sometimes the simple things work best. No matter what you go for, make sure that it creates unity. Sometimes it is cool to have a completely different chord pattern for the chorus, and sometimes is just as good to keep the chords the same and change the melody.
very tight constraint of notes. Just think about ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ and ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’.
“Sleigh bells are the icing on the cake”
4
Add sleigh bells Sleigh bells are the icing on the cake when it comes to Christmas music. They even have songs written about them! Don’t be too concerned if they make your song take a rather clichéd form: Christmas music isn’t normally the place for innovations (but
don’t worry, of course, if you are innovative. That might work, too). Try not to go too overkill on the sleigh bells, however. They only need to be an extra percussive layer. We’re not asking for you to write the ‘Sleigh Bell Symphony’ or anything like that.
5
Don’t be original Whilst we all hate the Christmas songs which have been played countless times by our friends and families over the years, don’t try to buck the trend and do something innovative with your song. Christmas music works, it fits formulas, and it’s memorable. Stick to them and you’ll write a hit - after all, everybody loves cheesy music. This isn’t to say that you have to do a carbon copy of the music already out there, but there’s a reason why it is all similar.
R
e-releases are one of the numerous banes of my life. I’m not even kidding. There is little that matches the feeling of utter despondency when you’ve shelled out your hard-earned cash for a record by an artist that you love enough to support by actually buying their music, only to be unceremoniously bitchslapped several months later, when the same record is released again, featuring a host of tantalising bonus tracks. Those are the re-releases that make my blood boil. They seem to create a dividing line between fans and superfans – fans moan about the cheek of it all, whereas superfans cough up immediately for the latest addition to add to their record collection. Why not just do as Evanescence did with their 3rd eponymous album, and release two editions at once? That way, if you’re fan enough to want bonus content – tracks, acoustic versions, live DVDs and what-have-you, you’re not also buying an edition that becomes obsolete once you’re bought a deluxe version.
“Fans moan about the cheek of it all, whereas superfans cough up immediately”
Shane McGowan’s ‘Christ- mas Cheer’ featuring Katie Melua
It’s hard to tell a lot of the time whether Shane McGowan just seems drunk when he’s sober or is actually drunk all the time. Either way, any performance of this Christmas classic is made even more memorable by his drunken slur. When he performed it alongside Katie Melua on Christmas Eve in 2005, however, even his own bandmates looked bewildered and our sympathy for Katie Melua, as she and McGowan waltz around the stage, was unparalleled. She is clearly dizzy by the end and, well, Shane McGowan is just dizzy all the time.
Basshunter - ‘Jingle Bells’
How can we make ‘Jingle Bells’ more annoying? Get Basshunter to cover it. It sounds like a bad joke but this actually happened and yes, it is as annoying as it sounds. It is frankly shameful for the annoying original to call Basshunter’s version a cover. The hook is endlessly repeated by squeaky synth and the voice over man from the X Factor dictates us in saying ‘Ho Ho Ho’ repeatedly, it is no less than a cringeworthy disgrace.
3
Music editor Chris Addison and Iqra Choudhry went head to head, discussing the recent plague of re-releases
1
Make a memorable melody When you’re singing a song in the shower, what makes this song stick in your mind more than others? Why does everybody sing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ when one person starts and gets it pretty much right? The answer is the melody. A song can be made, or broken, by the melody. When you’re writing it, ask yourself if you could walk down the street whistling the tune. Don’t have too many large leaps in the melody (we singers are awkward - we will hate you if you make us do loads of crazy leaps). Most melodies are written within a
Talking Heads
Liam Keeble counts down the 5 Christmas songs that should have been forgotten. For very good reasons
“IT’S ALL JUST A MONEY-MAKING SCAM!” I am wont to yell. Record companies know that if you’re nice enough to pay for the original release, you’re sucker enough not to illegally download the deluxe/extended/limited edition. It’s alright for them; they don’t have to have people asking why I have three copies of Adam Lambert’s debut album, and a further two copies of his single (I went through a passionate phase, don’t judge). I just feel like it’s a bit of a con, if I’m honest – gone are the days when I can afford to buy into the re-release craze. Iqra Choudhry
C
hristmas time means shopping time, where millions of people spend their hard earned cash on a bunch of lovely items for their nearest and
dearest. As such we find ourselves in a very album-heavy release period, largely comprised of repackaged albums that are expected to entice to you into seeing them as the perfect Christmas gift.
“The new music can tide us over until the next big release”
Personally, I think this is great. I always struggle to think of things to get for people, and so the fact artists like Beyoncé are giving us platinum editions and all that jazz just makes my life that much more easier (particularly when your sister loves a bit of the Queen Bee). Re-releases also don’t have to be a demonised product. Yes there will be commercial profit in some cases, but even if there is just a few new songs to be musically digested, it is new material that can tide us over until the next big release, and it can also be taken in very interesting avenues. Take Iggy Azalea as a prime example. Rather than just tagging on a bunch of new songs, she has completely repackaged her debut album, giving us a varied track list of old and new and delighting us with a new weird and wonderful pop art cover. In this case she is reinventing her debut, inviting fans to see the progression she has made this year, and gaining new fans in the process. At the end of the day re-releases are simple, effective, and remind you why you loved the artists you do in the first place. Chris Addison
2
3
Elmo and Patsy ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’
Not literally, just the song by Elmo and Patsy. If there was anything that would put a dampener on the Christmas spirit, this would be it. It’s hard to tell whether or not this song is actually just awful pop music or intended to be humorous. I find no other description other than to call it downright terrible, not to mention excruciatingly long. God knows who ever found this song funny, let alone good enough to make any Christmas playlist. Who the hell even are Elmo and Patsy?
Tiny Tim - ‘Santa Claus
Has Got The AIDS This
Year’
4
Need I say any more? Tiny Tim ob viously (hopefully) doesn’t mean the disease here, but maybe mistook it for something else. Either way, releasing this song in the 80s couldn’t have been more disturbing. In fact, releasing this song at any time is just downright weird. This mistake makes for an excruciating listen today, never mind in the 80s. Music has never been so painful.
5
Every X Factor Christmas Single. Ever
Every single year a new Christmas single is churned out by the soul sucking ‘reality’ TV show and every year it somehow still gets near the top of the charts. Who is still buying this crap? I mean, could there ever be a more obvious publicity stunt designed for the sole purpose of making money? What is so engrossing about a replica of a popular song by someone else? Well, because someone off the X Factor sang it… obviously. Every time an X Factor single reaches number one at Christmas, not only is it one step closer to the doom of real pop music, but no doubt we lose a little more Christmas spirit to capitalism. Christmas is a time to give and all this single does is take.
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The Courier
gaming.31
Monday 8 December 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk @Courier_Gaming
Gaming Editors: Sophie Baines and Ben Tyrer
Review: Dragon Age: Inquisition Dragon Age: Inquisition has been out for a matter of weeks, but there’s snow stopping Laura Staniforth DV VKH WDNHV WR WKH ZRUOG RI 7KHGDV WR UHYLHZ LW IRU RXU ¿ QDO LVVXH RI WKH VHPHVWHU
Polar pixels With snow (hopefully) on the horizon, our writers go through their favourite snowy levels from old and new games alike
World of Warcraft: Dun Morogh
T
his November, the long awaited third instalment of the Dragon Age franchise was finally released. Now, I’m a huge fan of the series to the point where I adored the broken Dragon Age 2; a rare opinion in the gaming world. I was expecting greater things this time around, and even with my fan bias I can affirm that Bioware has made an excellent game. The game is beautiful. Made in the Frostbite engine (known from the stunning Battlefield games) every location is a wonder to gaze upon. I often found myself just exploring without any aim, just so I could spend some time taking in the gorgeous visuals. There is a downside though. Even my hefty machine struggled in particularly big areas, attempting to cope by slowing to a crawl. People lowering their mesh quality below high found an irritating side effect in the form of plastic looking Lego hair, which while not game-breaking looks incredibly bad. The scope of the game itself is huge. While not an open sandbox like Skyrim, Dragon Age still conveys a grand scale with multiple environments that are both unique and intricately detailed. No
Review: Never Alone
two are similar, from barren deserts to lush forests. A definite welcome change from the samey, bland landscapes of the past, this change gives the illusion that you’re actually travelling far and wide in your quest to save the world.
“I am now invested in Thedas to the point where it’s embarrassing”
Storywise, Bioware has delivered the goods again. I am now invested in the world of Thedas to the point where it’s embarrassing, and I shouldn’t be worried about fictional characters this much. The writing is exceptional, with a fantastic array of dialogue choices to take you on multiple paths of adventure. The majority of companions have engaging stories that further add to the experience of truly becoming the leader of the Inquisition. However this area is also one of Bioware’s missteps, particularly in the case of the companion Sera. This is certainly not bad writing and more that they were going for something and failed,
though unfortunately this means that a character I was excited for is borderline racist, even throwing out a transphobic remark at one point. While I use all other companions fairly equally Sera remains on the bench. Other issues are the simplification of tactical combat. Where you once could orchestrate every move, now you have basic commands, a tactical camera that moves as if inebriated, and AI with a death wish. I recommend turning off friendly fire unless you want your ranged friends charging in like the tanks they wish they were. There are currently some bugs too, that are not game-breaking but intensely annoying. My party banter (one of the best parts of the previous games) refuses to trigger. Sometimes my advisors will simply not be there when I go to speak to them. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve fallen through the floor of Skyhold. However, Bioware has been monitoring Reddit and their forums, and has actively promised a fix. If you’ve played the previous instalments, this game is a must buy. To be honest though, I’d say it is even if you haven’t.
5HORDG Beyond Good and Evil Forget naughty or nice, we’re Beyond Good and Evil with -DFN &DXO¿ HOG as he wades through the fun of Hillys
Nothing says your adventure is about to begin like the starting zones in World of Warcraft, and nothing quite comes close to the crisp, snowy valleys of Dun Morogh, home to the Dwarves of Azeroth. Rabbits bound through fresh fallen powdery snow; eagles circle overhead, framed by the piercing blue cloudless skies; Dwarven rangers pace the cobbled roads that lead to Ironforge. It’s the epitome of a forested winter wonderland, and its myriad quests serve to whet the appetites of would-be adventurers – spelunking into icy caverns and exploring the hilly terrain fighting troggs, trolls and even tracking down a yeti. With beautiful music accompanying the timeless zone, Dun Morogh is tied with the gorgeous continent of Northrend for my favourite wintery zone in WoW. Ben Tyrer
Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask The land of Termina has a vast mountain, where the snow drifts simply cannot be beaten. The subtleties of Skyrim’s frosty north have their charm, but the sheer grandeur of the mountain region of Snowhead makes it an extremely satisfying level to trudge through. Okay, so the snow is a little cubic. But when roaring across it as a crazy Goron/firey-wheel, jumping over great chasms of ice and narrowly missing black bottomless pits, you don’t notice the retro graphics. All you feel is the warmth in your heart, and the intense satisfaction you feel when you finally (spoiler alert) melt the ice, and bring the natural spring back to Snowhead. Penny Polson
Timesplitters 2: Siberian Dam
N
ever Alone (or Kisima Inŋitchuŋa) is an atmospheric puzzle game, based on folk stories from Inupaq culture, a Native Alaskan group. The story is based around Luna and her fox, who have set out on a mighty quest to solve the eternal winter storm gripping their camp and lives. The game was created and released by Upper One Games, but one of the most well known things about this game is, as the website says, that “nearly 40 Alaska Native elders, storytellers and community members contributed to the development of the game”, which essentially means that the game is fully intertwined with Alaskan folklore and is fully developed by people who know the stories they want to tell. As the trailer says, the stories emulated through Never Alone have been passed down generation to generation orally, but have now decided to share the stories with the world because “what good are old stories, if the wisdom they contain is not shared?” The game itself is absolutely beautiful, the entire game feels like concept art come to life and its gorgeous. The puzzles are brilliantly balanced so that they are difficult enough to take a while to solve, but not so difficult that you scream and shout at your screen until you rage-quit. And the game develops with you, the difficulty increases steadily as you learn how the puzzles work, making it increasingly enjoyable as the game goes on. I heartily recommend this game to anyone and everyone. Sophie Baines
B
eyond Good and Evil is not a Zelda game, but if it was it would be the best Zelda game ever made. Back in 2003, before Ubisoft’s output had become quite so formulaic as it is today, they took a risk on a new project by Michel Ancel, the creator of Rayman. The risk did not pay off. Sales were disappointing, even if reviews were favourable. And yet, over a decade later, fans are still patiently waiting for a sequel, six years since its first and last trailer came out. Here’s why. The game follows Jade, a photographer living on the planet Hillys - inhabited by a variety of anthropomorphised animals alongside humans - as she joins a rebel group and uncovers a conspiracy at the heart of the planet’s government. It’s not the deep, dark storyline you might anticipate from the game’s Nietzsche-referencing title, but the characters are likeable and diverse, there are a few surprisingly convincing funny or emotional moments, and the conspiracy plot serves its purpose without being too convoluted. The setting is wonderfully realised - it doesn’t feel like hard sci-fi but instead a vibrant fantasy location drawing on real-world cultures. The presentation helps, the graphics are sharp for their time, the art is colourful and each area of the game has its own unique visual tone. It’s to the game’s credit
that it commits to one planet rather than hopping around the universe like most sci-fi games. The gameplay is where the Zelda influence become obvious. The game follows the expected structure: you explore the world at your leisure to access side-content, and complete the game’s four main dungeons, which give you access to new items which in turn allow you to reach new side-content and new plot in a natural way. When not on foot, you explore the world in a hovercraft similar to the boat in Wind Waker. None of this is unique. The difference, and the reason this game beats any Zelda hands-down is that it’s every single part of the game is streamlined. There is one collectible: pearls. You do all kinds of things to get them, from animal photography to racing, but they are always the measure of your progress. Almost all of these activities (except the frustrating air-hockey minigame) are worthwhile. Additionally, it’s always clear what you’re meant to be doing - there’s none of the directionless wandering about, wondering what to do next, that slows down many other games. Beyond Good and Evil is an action-adventure game distilled, trimmed of all its excess fat. It’s simple, and doesn’t last very long, but it’s the purest and most charming experience of this kind you’ll ever play.
My favourite snowy level in a game would have to be the Siberian Dam from Timesplitters 2. It was the first level on the first game I had for my PS2, and I loved it. Time moves on, and although the graphics are dated, for me, growing up meant I came to appreciate it more. The just-post-Soviet setting shows throughout; from the battered, barely functioning machinery at the dam, to the lacklustre attitude of the guards. The swirling snowdrifts hide the horror that lies beneath the dam, and the intro provides the wonderful line: “Stupid torch, does nothing in this army work?” Rhydian Hughes
Okami: Kamui of the 1RUWKHUQ /DQGV Okami is an art form, there is no doubt about that. Every single location our wolf-form Shinto sun goddess Amatersaru journeys through is teaming with perfect level design and Kamui is no exception. Although many games lose their momentum with the progression of the story, this area keeps you on your toes with some of the more challenging puzzles in the game, intriguing plot development and arguably one of the best boss fights in the game – the struggle against the twin demonic clockwork owls Lechku and Nechku. With an epic musical scale, gorgeous paint-like graphics I spent plenty of time exploring every nook and cranny; from the frozen waterfalls, to the half-submerged ark in a lake of ice, there is more than enough to do in this winter wonderland. Rosie Bellini
32.science&technology
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Science  Editors:  Laura  Staniforth  and  Penny  Polson Online  Science  Editor:  Jack  Marley
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et’s face the facts - a Christmas tree without its decorations is just an evergreen. And even nicely ornamented, it still needs lights to be truly festive. After all, isn’t Christmas all about lights? Glowing snowflakes on Percy Street, Christmas lights on, around and inside the houses, candles everywhere and Christmas tree lit up with mini lamps - all of it really creates the festive atmosphere.
“An initial cost of a Christmas tree with glowing needles would be about ÂŁ200, the upper end of the marketâ€?
The problem is that Christmas lights have quite a few downsides. Fiddling with them is irritating, arranging them nicely around the Christmas tree takes ages and they have a tendency to burn out just before the Christmas dinner. So if you have a few pounds to spare, why not indulge your inner science geek and buy a Douglas spruce that grew out its own lights? Yes, you’ve read it right. Genetically-modified Christmas trees with glowing needles are now a real thing. If you think it is science fiction, think
again. Genetic engineers have already developed fluorescent silk, mice and various grocery products, and, let’s be honest, there is more potential market for luminescent Christmas trees than glowing potatoes. The project was developed by five postgraduate students at University of Hertfordshire as their entry to a biotechnology competition. They modified a Douglas spruce with two genes from fluorescent jellyfish and fireflies. One of the genes produces green fluorescent protein (GFP) and the other an enzyme luciferase. Luciferase ‘switches on’ GFP and makes it glow. To modify a tree, its seedlings are infected with harmless bacterium carrying the two genes. Luciferase is activated by a chemical compound called luciferin, which can be mixed into a special fertilizer sold with the tree. Green fluorescence genes have been widely popular among genetic engineers because they allow scientists to see at glance whether they successfully introduced a gene into an organism. Blue fluorescent proteins have also been discovered and red fluorescent protein was found in September in coral. This means that, theoretically, a Christmas tree could grow multicolor lights. Neurophysiology student Katy Presland is part of the project team, and she says “we’re talking about
a green luminescent Christmas tree that glows in the dark and produces a noticeable light during the day. It is quite feasible. The only problem in reality is the cost.� An initial cost of a Christmas tree with glowing needles would be about £200, the upper end of the market. Still, the students behind the project are certain that a lot of people would love them, especially in America.
“Genetic engineers have already developed fluorescent silk, mice and various grocery products, and, let’s be honest, there is more potential market for luminescent Christmas trees than glowing potatoes�
If you are looking for an ultimate Christmas decoration, it might be your choice. Otherwise, you might use it as an inspiration and start developing self-decorating Easter eggs and make your small fortune on it.
Image: Dennis Hill
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very year, the Royal Institution gives a series of lectures directed at young people and those with an interest in science, to deliver an accessible and intriguing insight into modern day science. The lectures were first set up in 1825, as holiday lectures for ‘a juvenile auditory’ . They have been given annually, stopping only from 1939 to 1942, as it was too dangerous during the Blitz in World War II. In 1861 Michael Faraday, a regular contributor to the lecture series (who delivered 19 series of lectures) gave his last series of lectures ‘On the Chemical History of a Candle’ and was persuaded to allow them to be published as a book. ‘Candle’ has never been out of print and a new edition was published in 2011 to mark the 150th anniversary. Throughout the 20th century the lectures were sometimes published as books, providing popular introductions to scientific subjects and since 1966 they have been broadcast on TV. Many world-famous scientists and science communicators have given the lectures since then, including Carl Sagan, the great David Attenborough and George Porter. Here are four of the best Christmas Lectures delivered (all of which can be watched on the Royal institution’s website) 1) 1977 – Professor Carl Sagan Professor Carl Sagan delivered a series of 6 lectures entitled ‘The Planets’, in which he explored the diversity of life on earth, and the chemistry behind it, before questioning the existence of similar organic chemistry on other planets, notably Mars.
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These lectures were delivered around the time NASA launched its Voyager program and are a fascinating watch. 2) 1991 – Professor Richard Dawkins Love or hate the man and some of his controversial opinions, the 1991 series of lectures on ‘Growing Up In The Universe’ by the Professor was brilliantly entertaining, including a virtual reality lecture theatre and an excerpt from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy read by Douglas Adams himself.
“They have been given annually, stopping only as it was too dangerous during the Blitz in World War II�
3) 2012 - Dr Peter Wothers In a trio of lectures on ‘The Modern Alchemist’, Dr Wothers explored the three elements believe by the Greeks to be at the heart of life itself – earth, air and water. 4) 1998 – Professor Dame Nancy Rothwell As a physiological sciences student, my opinion on Professor Dame Rothwell’s series of lectures on ‘Staying Alive: The Body in Balance’ is biased, but her lectures are a fascinating foray into the physiological processes that underpin our survival, and the survival of organisms in extreme living conditions.
O
nce upon a time, in 1955, Colonel Harry Shoup was on duty at the Colorado Springs’ Continental Air Defence Command Centre. Unbeknownst to him, a misprint by Sears Department Store had plastered their number across an advertisement allowing children to contact Santa and find out where he was. When the calls started coming through, Shoup rose to the occasion and commanded his staff give an ‘accurate’ location for Santa, starting a tradition that is coming up to its 60th birthday. Although the calls are now handled by volunteers rather than the entire team being service officers, the tradition was continued in 1958 when the North American Defence Command replaced CONAD, making the complete name, NORAD tracks Santa.
“When the calls started coming through, Shoup rose to the occasion and commanded his staff give an ‘accurate’ location for Santa�
Image: Alexander Blaikley
Large numbers ring the popular line each year, and many North American weather reports choose to include the ‘NORAD Tracks Santa data’ on Christmas Eve. They host several different interactive media to draw people into the activities including ‘Santa Cam’, which shows Santa flying over
certain cities while a voice over tells the watcher about that particular country. They also have the website, which this year features games, past ‘Santa Cam’ videos, and mock information section, describing Santa and his reindeer as fact. There is also a handy countdown to when Santa sets off from the site’s interactive The North Pole. The program has relied on corporate sponsorship since 1958, when the program moved to NORAD, and is not financed by taxpayers. This means that companies, celebrities and anyone who wants to can either donate money or volunteer with the program. One of the most important may well be First Lady Michelle Obama, who has taken part since 2009, speaking to children from across the world. Sponsors in the past have included Microsoft, Google, Bing, Toys for Tots and Verizon. Military units have also sponsored the NORAD program including Northeast Air Defence Sector, New York National Air Guard and NASA. The majority of America, including companies, individuals and official military outposts are indirectly involved in NORAD Tracks Santa, and the program provides joy for many children across America who get to perpetuate the childhood fun of Santa Claus. NORAD seem to be gearing up once again for a great year, having just replaced their website with a brand spanking new one and a beautiful new set of animations for the coming Christmas. Let’s hope that NORAD continues bringing happiness to children across the globe for many years to come.
The Courier
technology&science.33
Monday 8 December 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/science c2.science@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_science
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t’s the most wonderful time of the year! Yes, something happens when the clock strikes 12 and it’s December and Christmas has been in the dawns the month December, in a similar manner shops since August (well, Card Factory at to a ghost visiting Scrooge during the dusky hours. least). At this time of the year, it is commonplace Of course, we would have no recollection of this to see people smiling much more than usual, and just awake on a usually not so fine, freezing exchanging Christmas greetings with strangers morning feeling cold but lucratively chirpy. and just generally expressing what is commonly It appears I’m not the only person referred to as Christmas spirit. that’s wondered about this. A I have often wondered if there is any scicouple of Christmases ago, ence behind this unusual, December two Danish researchers orientated phenomenon; my first decided it was about consideration was that it may be time someone sparked by that first chocolate looked into this that you excitedly pull from and so they carried your advent calendar. I then out a cross-cultural dismissed this idea on the pilot study using 4 grounds that not everyparticipants and an one who expresses overfMRI scanner (that’s flowing Christmassy cheer a functional magbuys into the overload of netic resonance imadvent calendars that are age for anyone who’s draped around the entrance interested). They wonto Thorntons. dered if the festive spirit So what could it be? Maybe Illustration by Daisy Billowes was a complex emotional
feature of a western disposition and put this to the test by searching for the ‘cerebral explanation’ to this plight. They discovered that the two participants who had grown up with western Christmas traditions were showed high levels of brain excitation (namely in the frontal, parietal and subcortical regions) when shown festive images. The other two participants who had no experience of western Christmas traditions retained normal levels of brain activity.
“The two participants who had grown up with Western Christmas traditions showed high levels of brain excitation”
And so, there you have it. Science has some promising findings that something does happen in the brain when Christmas images appear. Seasonal cheer may well kick in, when exactly this happens I still don’t know- maybe the 12 days of Christmas could add fuel to my current theories.
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Christmas is here again, and the best thing about Christmas for me has always been the gift-giving. Giving, receiving, returning the socks your grandma bought to the shop she bought them from; it’s all great fun. While people tend to only give gifts when it’s a birthday or at a season celebration of mercantile capitalism, animals give gifts all year round. Since I’m socially obligated to be jolly; here’s my countdown of the top five gift-giving animals! Hold onto your hats guys, it’s going to get messy.
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Remember when I said it was going to get messy? Fireflies produce spermatophores (these are gelatinous sacs filled with delicious nutrients, and sperm; lots of sperm) for females. These are especially important for adult fireflies that don’t feed (I think nature wants this thing to die, guys), and as such, these spermatophores are the only source of nutrition for a female firefly. Therefore, this is one of the few times where a male of a species is more in-demand than the females. They also apparently look like rotini. Excuse while I go throw out all my pasta now.
Everyone loves getting chocolate for Christmas. This spider has its own terrifying version of this. The males of this South American species of spider presents females with lovingly wrapped chunks of dead insect; the larger the gift, the higher the chances of mating. It’s been suggested that these presents might exploit a spider’s maternal instinct, as it’s been hypothesised they may remind females of egg sacs. All it reminds me of is that spiders are awful.
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Eurasian Jays Let’s move onto something that won’t ruin your Christmas dinner. These pretty little birds also give gifts of food to other members of their species; what makes the gift-giving habits of these birds awesome is that they don’t give gifts in order to facilitate doing the deed, but to strengthen the bonds between lifetime partners. Hooray for monogamy! Of course, science saw an opportunity to be weird here and decided to research this phenomenon by investigating this habit in order to see if the Jays just bring any old crap back as a gift or if they get something which their mate actually would like. It turns out they do the latter. This part of what scientists have creepily called “the theory of mind” was previously thought to be unique to humans.
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here’s nothing more traumatizing than extreme weather. Not a thing holds a candle to the utter civilisation-rending capacity of our planet’s harshest displays of natural dominance that is weather on this Earth, and I’m sorry to have to report that this holiday period will be no exception. Yes, Britain is in for what is being described as literally the worst weather since the last bit of bad weather, and it is going to bring both our individual resolve and our national infrastructure to the absolute limits of perseverance. My qualifications on the matter doubtlessly need no introduction, and I write this Courier exclusive from just outside the Met Office – just by the paper bins in the alley outside, as it happens – to bring you the facts that you and yours need to get by in the testing times ahead. My tireless study of hastily discarded radio-
“This is going to have numerous profound repercussions, not least of which is the fact that busses will probably have to drive slightly slower” sondes, surface weather measurements and – you’d really think the Met would consider using paper shredders before binning this stuff – weather radar read-outs has led me, your resident weather expert, to the following terrifying conclusion. Prepare accordingly and ignore my prophetic warning at your peril. Firstly, if my computational models are correct – and let me reassure you they always are – then Newcastle is in for a touch of snow this winter. This is going to have numerous profound repercussions, not least of which is the fact that busses will probably have to drive slightly slower. Following on from this, you may find you have to – I’m sorry to say – get up slightly earlier to make time for delays. Not only this, but it is my strong suspicion that you will have to wear a coat and possibly gloves outside of the house. Now hold on: before you throw this paper down to run wildly to your local grocery and begin panic buying to stock up on food let me just inject some sense into the matter. Many papers will gratuitously rely on grossly
These moths produce cyanide when injured, and also during mating. Males give gifts of cyanide to females, and the females transfer some of the cyanide to their eggs to use as a defence against predators. That’s all I’ll say on this one, I think it speaks for itself. A six-spot burnet moth family Christmas dinner is certainly not one I would like to attend.
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Squid
Remember those spermatophores I mentioned before? These aren’t unique to fireflies, many species produce them, such as many species of squid. The spermatophores of squid are slightly different in that they are shaped like frigging harpoons. Since squid are notoriously difficult to study in their native habitat (‘cos, you know, squid move fast), scientists aren’t exactly sure how this works. For hooked squid, they are literally covered in these spears, which stick to females and work their way in slowly before releasing the payload; nature, you scary. What’s worse is that spermatophores from cooked squid have been know (in rare cases) to implant themselves in the roof of the mouth.
Image: Anthony Quinato
exaggerated weather reporting to draw you in this holiday, so let me just make it clear that you really want to be stocking up on food and drink, and you should probably make sure you have a back-up generator installed in case the national grid goes off and you can’t heat anything up. This is a must – few people know that the library scene in Day After Tomorrow is an extremely accurate and scientific representation of how cold works, so you’ll have to keep something burning in order to stave it off. If you’ve made it this far, you’re made of sterner stuff than I – I had to take numerous breaks writing this disturbing report to cry for a bit and check up obsessively on my stocks of tinned beans (a perfect non-perishable to tide you over this coming Snowmageddon). I wish you all a safe and jolly holiday and look forward to rebuilding society together after the coming storm has subsided.
The Courier
puzzles.35
Monday 8 December 2014
Puzzles 1
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Puzzles Editor: Kate Bennett
Courier Catch- phrase
See if you can guess (catch) the common idiom (phrase) shown in these picture combos?
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“I’m Roy Walker and I heartily endorse this event and/or product”
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1 Happy Mondays frontman (5, 5) 5 Reindeer; Canadian electronica artist (7) 7 Variety of edible sea snail (5) 8 To accuse someone in high public office (7) 9 Small bush (7) 11 Sinister (5) 13 Hard substance found in hives (7) 15 Witholding assets in order to use them not for their intended purpose (8) 19 Big cat; luxury car brand (6) 20 China clay (6) 22 ‘Hipster’ area of Brooklyn, New York (12)
For even more news, views, sports and culture, make sure you head over to thecourieronline. co.uk
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1 Desecration (9) 2 Young person (5) 3 Automated music-playing device (7) 4 Actor, Henry, played ‘The Fonz’ (12) 6 Censure (5) 10 Shallow lake (4) 12 Danger (3) 14 Alternate spelling of Russian monarch (4) 16 Doughnut-shaped Polish bread product (5)
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36.sportfeatures
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Sports on the silver screen The Christmas period is quiet except for some football action. Here are some sporting classics to enjoy your hot chocolate with
Goal
Bend it like Beckham Everyone’s favourite family football movie has to be Bend it like Beckham the 2002 comedy about a Sikh girl forbidden from playing football making it to the very top of the league, starring Parminder Nagra and Keira Knightley. Not only does the film revolve around everybody’s favourite sport (if you’re sane), but the feel-good factor of a proper British comedy is certain to warm you up on a cold December night waiting for the big day. The film even treats us to some love interest, with both Jess and Jules falling for their coach Joe (why so many J’s?) - however, when the two fall out over the issue, Jules’ mother wrongly assumes the girls of being in a lesbian lovers tiff - which while touching on a serious issue, provides a certain amount of hilarity simultaneously. The two girls, of course, resolve their situation and put aside their differences to win the championship and earn a scholarship at the Santa Clara University in California - providing a happy ending for all to enjoy in this festive fiesta that is fantastic frolicking fun. I first watched the movie in primary school and still enjoy it as much, so no matter how old your siblings are, stick it on, put on a Christmas jumper, grab some mulled wine (which does matter how old your siblings are) and relax. An interesting factoid is that the plot originally finished with Jess and Jules
When it comes to bending, no one does it quite like Beckham himself Photography by Getty Images
ending the movie together as a couple, but out of fear of upsetting conservative Indians the plug was pulled on the idea and instead the two females both fell for the same male character. Despite this, the movie was incredibly popular and has earned a musical production due on
London’s Phoenix Theatre stage in 2015. It’s not every day you get to chill in the winter frost waiting for a stranger to break into your home and leave you presents so you might as well enjoy it. Alex Hendley
Space Jam
Nobody expected MJ to return from retirement to play with Bugs Bunny Photography by Getty Images
Like a Mexican Jonathan Woodgate, the Goal trilogy follows the story of Santiago Munez from the hero of the Gallowgate to a Galactico in sunny Madrid. Whilst the career of a Middlesbrough born, injury prone centre back might tickle the interest of a few die hard football fans, it certainly isn’t big screen material. So instead, the movie producers opted for the story of Santiago, a struggling Mexican migrant working as a gardener in the US, a unique footballing talent and his chance encounter with a Premier League scout. Throw in a broken-up family, a death, a complicated love story and some fast cars and suddenly you have a Hollywood-approved film. Where the Goal films really made their mark was with their official FIFA cooperation, meaning the use of actual game footage involving the real sporting stars of that time could be mashed up with clever CGI involving the actors to create some of the most realistic match day scenes ever attempted. Goal 1 - The Dream Begins includes real footage from Newcastle United’s games against Fulham and Liverpool including the likes of the legend Alan Shearer and Craig Bellamy, along with fictional character, and the not so imaginatively named, Gavin Harris. Harris, played by Alessandro Nivola, subsequently follows Munez to Real Madrid in Goal 2: Living The Dream
Goal is regarded as one of the greatest football movies ever Photography by Getty Images
where the two characters find themselves in amongst some of the most famous faces in world football. Again, the film is able to integrate real action from the Bernabeu and we get to see the acting skills of the likes of Zidane, Carlos and Beckham. Goal 3: Taking on the World brings in two new faces, Charlie Braithwaite and Liam Adams, as they try to bring back the World Cup for England, although even Hollywood can’t make us win a penalty shootout. Calum Wilson
The Longest Yard I’ll say it from the start: I’m not a massive fan of sport movies. Perhaps the reason is that the only sport I can engage with, and only for a short while, is snooker, and no one really makes films for that. However, I can’t not admit that Space Jam is probably one of the greatest films that I’ve ever had the fortune of growing up with. Thanks to Space Jam I even picked up a (very minor) interest in basketball while in school, hoping that one day I would be Porky the Pig, reaching out to score the deciding point. Alas, I never became Porky – which, in hindsight, was probably for the best – and despite that, come holiday family time, Space Jam is always somehow on my to-watch list. Now let’s make it clear, if you’re expecting an Oscar-winning movie about the deep values and spiritual meaning of basketball, this is not for you. If you want to see the Looney Tunes characters engaging in a stretched beyond belief plotline to stop the Evil Guy from ruling the world, then Space Jam is your kind of jam. Oh, did I mention that Michael Jordan’s there too? Well, he is. I have a few strong opinions regarding sportspeople who try to dabble in the world of acting (mostly those opinions boil down to “don’t”) but I think Jordan doesn’t try to play up his performance; he doesn’t try to desperately escape his own skin of a professional basketball player. No, instead he uses that to his advantage, making his interactions with the everloved cartoon characters very believable and oddly endearing. Also, if you can imagine that he is the only actual human character for the better part of the movie, that will also lead to the inescapable conclusion, that he spent the majority of the time filming talking to himself. Escape the harsh world for a minute and put Space Jam on, you won’t regret it. Antonia Velikova
When ex-Pittsburg Stealer, Paul Crewe, is arrested for Grand Theft Auto and Driving Under the Influence, he is cast out into a world of intimidation and uncertainty. He is a man with a checkered past to be sure; allegations of bribery, coercion and corruption ensured that his professional football career was all but over. Arrested, shamed, he was on his way to prison. The Longest Yard is most definitely not your typical sports film; its not about the good guys, its not about ideals, its about criminals, sticking it mercilessly to their captors on the grandest of scales. With a cast compiled of a mixture of ex-footballers, ex-WWE wrestlers and B/C list Hollywood actors, the film makes for immensely entertaining watching. Everyone loves a good underdog story, even if the underdogs are violent, tattooed and, quite frankly, terrifying convicts. The prison in which the film is pre-
dominantly set is a harsh a grueling environment. The guards are brutal, calculating and vicious, particularly to Crewe and his close associates. They repeatedly try to intimidate him and make him crack; the murder of his best friend Caretaker, played by Chris Rock, is their most prevalent show of barbarism. When all seems lost, however, the inmates are presented with a unique opportunity to get their own back; a football match between them and the guards. Spurred on by palpable feelings of purpose and resentment, Crewe sets about compiling a team to face the prison wardens. Friendships are made, bonds are strengthened and bones are broken in this final showdown between the down trodden and those doing the treading. Make sure you’re sitting comfortably, because here comes the BOOM! Jonty Mawer
Adam Sandler embraces the role of a fallen star seeking redemption Photography by Getty Images
The Courier
sportfeatures.37
Monday 8 December 2014
Wimbledon Now, we might all regard Andy Murray as the poster boy of British tennis for recent times, but let us not forget Peter Colt. Star of the 2004 romantic comedy Wimbledon played by English actor Paul Bettany. The movie is inspired by the astonishing Wimbledon Championships of 2001 which saw Croatian contender Goran Ivanisevic become the first male to win the tournament through a wildcard entry. Wimbledon follows Colt on his road to getting back to the top of his game... (typical Hollywood cliché). Through gaining his own wildcard entry following a slip in his form from 11 to 119; recreating the scenario of Ivanisevic. Colt embarks on a journey of determination and self belief which at times can be hard for even the audience to believe. Intertwined with facing the youngest most prolific stars of the game, Colt has to deal with a unlikely love interest and her controlling father who’s clinging onto his daughters coattails with
every opportunity. Played by American actress Kirsten Dunst who just happens to be the no. 1 women’s tennis player on the circuit, Lizzie Bradbury. Of course, we have to remember this is Hollywood, so the chances of a down and out tennis player and a world class elite becoming a couple is completely plausible, in a princess and the pauper kind of way. Without giving away the complete game, set and match, the film ultimately comes down to the men’s singles final. Colt, appearing to have lost all faith as well as the two previous sets in the match, needs some form of inspiration. Who else is befitting enough to provide that? His beautiful world-class tennis girlfriend who shows up in support, disregarding all opinions about their dysfunctional relationship. All that’s left to know now is - did Britain have a Wimbledon Champion before Andy Murray? Lynsey Brownlie
A rom-com for every tennis fan, Wimbledon is a smashing treat Photography by Getty Images
The Courier’s Sports Editor Peter Georgiev inspects the most bizarre moments from the sporting world The Jamaican bobsleigh team are the ultimate ‘underdogs’ Photography by Getty Images
Cool Runnings Feel de rhythm, feel de rhyme, get on up, it’s Cool Runnings time. One of everyone’s favourite films charting the journey of the Jamaican bobsleigh team led by Dareece Banneck. Starring the late great John Candy, this film is sure to warm the cockles of your heart on a cold winter’s day. So sit back, grab a hot chocolate, put the fire in, put your feet up and let this lovable romp take you to a much warmer climate. It’s said about many films these days that they are ‘the ultimate underdog story’ but Cool Runnings really does fit into this category. It’s comparable to mainly of our love lives, including my own, you want something, you work for something, you get oh so close but who knows what’s going to happen at the end. The four main bobsledders create a wonderful chemistry that is allowed to develop over the course of the film. The rasta, Sanga, anchors and steers the
sled, and it is an American interpretation of Jamaican after all, of course there has to be a rasta. The other three meet in a trial for the Jamaican Olympic sprint team only to tangle and ruin each other’s chances. Coincidentally, they all end up at the meeting to discuss the creation of the winter Olympics team, which includes John Candy at his finest trying to put the athletes off. At the end of the meeting, all but four are left, the four who stay together through thick and thin and have a fair few scuffles along the way. Upon arrival at the games, there a few sniggers from the ever efficient Germans and the flamboyant French. How will the Jamaican’s cope? Will they win or just be a laughing stock? I shall leave you and your glass of mulled wine to find out for yourselves.
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hey say a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Mickey Rourke is definitely a man who would embrace such an idiom. Though Rourke is mostly associated with his acting work, in the past, he actually started out as an aspiring boxer. Now, twenty years after last appearing on the ring, it seems that the American hasn’t yet completed his boxing adventure. In the end of November, at the age of 62, Rourke returned to his favourite playground to have some more of the adrenaline he once regularly experienced. An exhibition match in Moscow saw the actor go against former California Golden Glove champion Elliot Seymour. As anticipated, Rourke didn’t even drop a sweat against his opponent as the referee stopped the fight after two knock-downs in the second round. Given the event’s PR purposes, the veteran was expected to record an easy comeback win, No. 7 in his career. However, the post-match revelations went even further than that.
Josh Nicholson
Moneyball Everybody enjoys a story of an underdog and when the endearing figure of Jonah Hill and charming Brad Pitt come together, you get an inspiring story done brilliantly. Moneyball is the story of how a baseball team, the Oakland Athletics overcame the odds that were against them by using methods that were unheard of in sports at that time to set a record number of wins which still stands till this day. The inspiration of the movie came from a novel by Michael Lewis in which he describes the misconceptions of baseball management in what defines a high-quality performance metric. Despite the quality of the novel, too often when portrayed on the big screen, the script or the acting performances fall flat but this is not the case for Moneyball. There is a fine balance between the portrayal of the technical back-office side of baseball management and the more interactive fun playing of the
sport. The most important thing about this film is that behind the veil of baseball, there are so many underlying themes that speak out to each and every one of us. It may be the tenacious attitude of Oakland Athletics GM Billy Beane who believed wholeheartedly in the cause he started, or the willingness to redefine the stereotype and challenge the ageold establishment. There may be a fear in approaching this movie for non-baseball aficionados, or people who know nothing of the sport but put aside that fear and give this movie with six Oscar nominations a chance. At the end of it all, it is difficult to not feel inspired and energized by the thought of doing something different from everyone else and succeeding when no one else thought you would. Now, that is what Christmas is all about. Huezin Lim
Moneyball combines baseball and drama in spectacular fashion Photography by Getty Images
Rourke appeared in The Wrestler (2008) to win the Golden Globe Photography by Getty Images
The rivalry between Lauda and Hunt was short but memorable Photography by Getty Images
Rush Put the terms Formula One Fans and ‘feature film’ together and the best answer you will get will be the 2013 film Rush. Rush depicts the intense rivalry between Niki Lauda (Daniel Bruhl) and the late James Hunt (Chris Hemsworth) during the 1970s; in particular the 1976 season. If you don’t have it already, then you are certainly missing out. However, this isn’t for the faint hearted. If you’re suffering from a festive hangover or generally have a weak stomach, then there are parts I wouldn’t advise. From being an avid Formula One fan and knowing how Niki Lauda looks today (this Lauda only appears at the end), I still find it very difficult to watch the scenes around the German Grand Prix knowing what’s coming. Then, you have his recovery which is also particularly difficult to watch when Lauda’s lungs are being vacuumed. It was also very difficult for the man himself to watch during the premiere. Despite the alterations for dramatic effect, the hate in reality wasn’t that great
between them as depicted. Hemsworth puts in a duly accurate depiction of James Hunts womanising while Lauda is illustrated as a relatively silent and quite unpopular person, though his love for Marlene comes through excellently. Hunt really didn’t win the title with a broken gear stick as well as beating up a journalist in Monza. This is one of my personal favourite parts with Lauda having been asked by a journalist if he seriously thought his incident would hamper his marriage. This and the gesture between the pair in Fuji just before lights out at the title decider show the mutual respect that the pair had for each other. The film ends with Lauda commenting that James Hunt was the only man that he ever envied to further emphasis the mutual understanding and respect between the pair. Watching this relationship develop from 1970 through to this decider is a thoroughly worthwhile and moving experience. Michael Rowan
While Rourke was rejoicing in a longawaited famous return to the big stage, news agencies around the world were quick to question the legitimacy of his victory. According to some reports, the defeated contender Elliot Seymour was paid to lose the duel making Rourke look superior. Seymour is also said to be currently homeless, devastated after the downfall of his professional boxing career. Indeed, none of these allegations could be officially confirmed as correct. Yet, even if they aren’t, Mickey Rourke’s exhibition remains a complete farce. We have all seen Mickey play the tough die-hard macho role in major Hollywood productions – Sin City, The Expendables, The Courier (no, not the paper, the movie). He even won a Golden Globe for his appearance in The Wrestler. In fact, Rourke hardly ever plays a different role. Transferring this personality to the boxing ring, however - apparently not his thing. If you haven’t seen a drunken penguin, Rourke’s performance would certainly give you an idea of what to expect. Holding a lowered guard for the better part of the fight, the American appeared to be constantly mocking his overexcited enemy who managed to throw only a single decent punch in two rounds. It’s hard to believe how such a short battle could be so mindblowingly boring. Then again, it was never about the actual boxing, was it? Needless to say, the audience in Moscow weren’t impressed with Mickey Rourke that night. Hopefully, at least the actor has found the show satisfying enough to put an end to his boxing career, This time, for good. Illustration by Daisy Billowes Santa Hat by Pixabay
38.sportbucs
Monday 8 December 2014
The Courier
Ballers slam Salford Men’s Basketball
Newcastle University 1st
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University of Salford 1st
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By Huezin Lim at Sports Centre A school like Salford Manchester does not come to mind when one thinks of top sporting schools but they have been in a head-to-head race with the Newcastle Knights for the top of the Northern 1A division in the 2014/2015 year. This was the rematch between the first and second in the division and after an utter thrashing by Salford away from home, the team was more than eager to return the favour at home. From the tip off, everyone watching knew this was going to be a tight affair for the entire game. Both teams were trading baskets right from the start and a double team from Salford on the outside forced a turnover on Newcastle and an easy transition basket, to the shaking head of Coach Hewitt. Newcastle was forcing the play with 3 pointers and the offence was very messy with misplaced passes, those they would make against a less sharp team. With players in foul trouble, Nick Yii stepped up when called upon and the first quarter ended with the score of 20 to 2, cutting Salford lead. Coach Hewitt was simply lividi about several missed rebounds and failing to box out. The lack of help defense had to be improved as well and it was up to the team to heed the call. Te’o started out the quarter with a statement dunk and with a travelling turnover from Salford, Newcastle turned the tide. Both teams were settling for outside shots and it was a matter of who could hit the shot. Newcastle could sense some defensive superiority and called their first time out, with Salford unable to find the basket in about five minutes. Unfortunately, Newcastle were struggling with the rebounds and that was giving Salford a lot of opportunities at the foul line, even after the coach stressed the importance of grabbing the offensive rebound. With a bad pass from Salford, No.11 Troy Baugh took the ball and dunked it. The two points gave us the slender one point lead but the statement meant so much more in morale. It was our first lead of the game and Salford had to call
a timeout. Troy was definitely taking charge of the game and it was definitely needed for someone to light a fire and raise the intensity on defense. The team could have stretched the lead with several open looks but failed to capitalize and Salford took the lead back again. With 24 seconds left in the half, Troy got to the foul line and deservedly got us the lead, with Salford missing another two free throws. Troy had undoubtedly the highlight of the night or even the season with a put-back dunk straight out of the NBA highlight reel as the buzzer sounded. At half-time, Coach Hewitt, he stressed that our team was smart enough to choose high quality shots, the bench needed to just as involved in intensity on defense, whenever they were called upon. The half time score as it stood was 39 to 36. Newcastle were riding the momentum and in a matter of two minutes, we blew the lead up to 46 to 36, with the brilliant play of Maurice Cole. The key was penetration, the Knights attacked the basket relentlessly and after a turnover, Maurice showed great patience as well after noticing the mismatch on defense. If Troy was the star of the first half, then Maurice was coming into his own in the 3rd. With the lead stretched to 8 points at the end of the third quarter, it was easy to assume that the match was over, and putting the foot off the pedal a bit, Salford cut the lead to three points after a poor spell on offence by the Knights. Thankfully, Chuck Duru came up big with a three-pointer when the pressure was on and it was a sigh of relief for all Newcastle supporters. The Salford men began to lose their intensity and the lead began to steadily grow for Newcastle again, burying the team once and for all. Towards the end of the game, the game turned out to be very amicable and the players on both sides were chatting and joking around with one another, most likely discussing the referee’s questionable decisions. In the end, Newcastle won comfortably 84-65, with top scorer being Chuck Duru with an impressive 25 points. However, it looked like Newcastle will have to settle for second place in the division as they had a huge mountain to climb after a huge loss at Salford. Despite this, with the current strength of the team, there is nothing stopping the Knights from winning the BUCS trophy this year after a restful Christmas break.
Troy Baugh was one of Newcastle’s most efficient players on the court Photography by Huezin Lim
Undefeated Uni extend dominance Men’s Football
Newcastle University 1st
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University of Sheffield 1st 2 By Calum Wilson at Longbenton 3G ‘Tis the season to be jolly, especially if you are part of the Newcastle University football team. Sheffield became the latest to feel the full force of the unstoppable Geordies, who seem intent on running away with the league. It’s now 6 wins out of 7 for the Red army, who will no doubt spend their entire winter break starring fondly at the Northern 1a table. Last Wednesday’s 4-2 victory was in-
spired by a brace from midfield dynamo Espin. No. 8 netted either side of half time to twice extend the host’s lead to the crucial two-goal margin. In the end, the win never really looked in doubt, the goal scoring starting just five minutes from the kick-off. Up front on his own in a very well balanced 4-1-4-1 formation, Walker held up the ball well throughout and showed his finishing prowess, sweeping home from the edge of the box, finding the bottom corner with perfect precision to set the ball rolling. Five minutes before the break, Espin scored his first to leave the Newcastle coaches with a cheerier half-time message to their players. Right midfielder Salisbury got himself in behind the Sheffield left back, drove in towards goal before unselfishly squaring to Espin to
smash home from six yards. Other than the two goals, the first half was largely uneventful. Readman, in the Newcastle goal, forced into only one decent save of note with the score at 1-0. Diving late at the near post to prevent a Sheffield winger, who had found a rare gap in the home defence. That said, the Newcastle back four were caught napping on 53 minutes, as a fairly simple chipped ball through found the visitors’ no. 8, the midfielder somehow not picked up by anyone, triggering an inquest on the sideline. Latching onto the bouncing ball, he coolly and with perfect power helped it on its way into the far corner. The Sheffield resurgence didn’t last long however. Four minutes after conceding, the home side regained their two-goal cushion in superb style. The
tricky midfielder Golby found himself in acres of space on the right wing and with time to cross into a dangerous area. Espin, arriving again with a marauding run from midfield, was able to neatly control his volley into the far corner. At 3-1 the home side were cruising and the introduction of fresh legs from the bench helped keep the visitors’ to half chances at best. Bunn brought onto to sure up the defence and Sweet looked calm and composed on the ball, keeping possession well for his team. With a quarter of an hour remaining, lone striker Walker let rip with an ambitious effort to double his tally for the afternoon, but the forward’s shot was always curling wide. The chance created by a typically mazy dribble from Golby in the centre of the pitch. Golby was soon after subbed and his
replacement, Cross, took only two minutes to leave his mark on the game. Having managed to get into a dangerous position on the right wing, the substitute sent in a hopeful ball that caused panic in the Sheffield defence. Two visiting defenders collided, as they both tried to slide back, and one of them inadvertently turned the ball into his own net to leave the score at 4-1. Sheffield were able to pull another goal back five minutes before the end, but the league leaders held on to extend their unbeaten run to seven. Particularly pleasing for the Newcastle coaches will be the fact their team didn’t really get out of 2nd gear, cruising comfortably to victory, a sign perhaps of the champions elect? No counting chickens though.
The Courier
sportbucs.39
Monday 8 December 2014
Kings humbled by Wildcats revolution
The female Wildcats became Newcastle’s first ever all-girl ice hockey formation to compete against well-established teams Photography by Chris Lovell
Women’s Hockey Newcastle Wildcats
6
Northumbria Kings C
11
By Jack Marley at Whitley Bay Ice Rink They say history is written by the victors, but if the winning team on Tuesday night contributed anything to the history of ice hockey in British universities it will soon fade from memory compared to the bold new chapter that the ladies of the Newcastle Wildcats carved out on the ice at Whitley Bay. An 11-6 scoreline in the opponent’s favour will probably never again stir as much pride in a home team as it did amongst gathered Wildcat fans that night. Much of that can be credited to the journey that led there. Since the Wildcats’ foundation in the early nineties, Newcastle has quietly maintained an intrepid legacy of competing and excelling against better-funded teams. Until now, however, Newcastle women
Despite the loss, the ladies enjoyed their memorable debut to the fullest Photography by Chris Lovell
wanting to take to the ice sporting the Wildcat colours of red, white and blue were at a natural disadvantage in team selection stages, as the boys crowded out the A and B teams. Twenty years on from the club’s first team photo, a new generation have emerged with the ambition to put more women in the picture nationwide. Newcastle Wildcats Women skated into history as the first all-girl university team outside of Oxbridge on Tuesday night, playing in a league of well-established sides. Their opponents that evening, the Northumbria Kings C team, had returned jubilant from a 28-0 routing in Birmingham and were hungry for fresh conquests on familiar ice. A solid performance was needed from the ladies to show they could compete with the best and be the catalyst for a female takeover of Britain’s university clubs. A lot then, it seems, was riding on the shoulder pads of the trailblazers… The game began with the Kings laying claim to the break and, after several rebuffs, finding a 1-0 lead after two minutes. So far so predictable. But the all-women underdogs had other plans. An early slap shot over the ramparts
of the Kings’ defence tested for gaps in Northumbria’s back line and, although nimbly caught by their keeper, it set the tone for an offensive strategy. Encouraged, Wildcat No. 5 Hannah Maurice launched into a coast-to-coast; sailing from one half of the rink to the other and straight through the reach of a bewildered back three. The game remained fluid, with chances flaring up and being stamped out at either end. Play moved pendulum-like between the two halves until Wildcat no. 10 Steph Towns called time on the Kings’ lead with a well-placed swipe into the upper left corner. Beyonce’s ‘Run the World (Girls)’ captured the spirit on the
double save by Newcastle goalie SarahJayne Bolton that denied another post face-off run from Northumbria. The situation for the home team quickly deteriorated however, as a King goal at the 22nd minute put the Wildcats on the back foot. Tasting blood, the Kings levelled an onslaught which a hastily stitched together rear wall struggled to hold back. No. 15 Kirsty Ballard shouldered the defensive burden by cutting it off at its source and remaining animated in the centre to prevent further incursions. With time to recover, the Wildcat defence coalesced and the whole team was rewarded for weathering the storm with a goal from Maurice. “Tit-for-tat”
“Beyonce’s ‘Run the World (Girls)’ captured the spirit on the ice, as the Wildcats celebrated their first ever goal” ice, as the Wildcats celebrated their first ever goal, but the euphoria was sadly fleeting. The Kings retaliated in kind once, and then again to make it 3-1, prompting the home side to get serious. After the opening flurries and the midperiod slips, conditions settled into an icy stalemate. Adapting on the fly, the Wildcat women switched focus to back checking, starving the inside play that had fed earlier goals against them. Meanwhile, the Northumbrian defence shook itself out of its stupor to help their beleaguered net minder. With the tempo easing down, both sides had time to reflect. The Kings who came as conquerors would find no royal treatment in the company of the Wildcats pride and the lionesses themselves, despite their inexperience together, could take comfort in the fact that they seemed to be drawing on some innate chemistry to link style and play in a coherent riposte to the Kings’ self-assured strategy. The second period was announced with a roar of “Wildcats!” and a cool
governed scoring from then on out, as Northumbrian frustrations at their slender advantage boiled over into desperate scuffles at the home end which No. 64 Amy Hopley was swift to dispatch, although occasionally the Kings succeeded in hacking the puck over the line. On sheer style alone the girls were ahead, exemplified by Towns’ wraparound goal that left the Kings baffled, but on points sadly Northumbria led 7-4. Another “Wildcats!” (louder this time) and another puck clenched in the fist of Bolton; the third period looked to begin as its predecessor did. Two further conceded goals seemed to confirm it, but as the casual observer would later have to admit, when the girls seemed at their most passive, they were usually preparing something special. The first signs came as the breakaways that had led the Kings into Wildcat territory last period were failing to show. Sensing danger, Northumbria held back, hoping to hang in and hang on to their 6-point advantage, but it was too late. After ab-
sorbing a salvo of punishment in their own half, the Kings looked to clear it into Newcastle’s but Jess Ward and Rachel Sinclair stood firm on their line and Helen Collins, Emma Painter and Elizabeth Bates resupplied the attacking duo of Maurice and Towns. Their opponents flagging, the Wildcats ran on apparently inexhaustible reserves of energy to dance through rival missteps and finally secure a fifth goal and a neat little assist for Victoria Scudamore. By now, the Cats were savaging the Northumbrian back line which, vacant in the face of Newcastle’s deft stick and footwork, had surrendered all defensive responsibilities to their miraculous goalie. But even he was not infallible, and with effective screening from line mates and an audacious tackle from debuting winger Lauren Bilby, Beth Harris slid a shot through his tired grasp. If the home crowd could have torn themselves away from the scenes below, they’d have noticed that their women in white had notched up 17 shots on target in a blistering 10 minute frenzy, producing the final statistic of 59 shots to Northumbria’s 52. “The girls couldn’t have done much more under the circumstances, but with more ice time they can give more as a team. Already, what impressed me most was their cohesion”, said coach and exWildcat Stu Tomlinson. As time passes off, the ice too the game will be remembered not for its result but for the overwhelmingly positive outcome it yielded for student sportswomen. If the Wildcat women had aimed to portray a side that could outpace and outmanoeuvre the league’s finest, face challenges head-on and demonstrate heart in the face of adversity, then they had succeeded. But best of all, this was only the beginning, as left-winger and club Vice-President Kirsty Ballard maintained. “We’ll face the C team again. We could beat them, and the league would be ours. I don’t see why not.”
The mood is right The spirit’s up We’re here tonight And that’s enough - Paul McCartney, ‘Wonderful Christmastime’