Vol. 56, Issue 7

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NEWS

Defence minister disrupted by protester at democracy forum on campus

By Prapti Bamaniya A protester interrupted Canada’s defence minister Anita Anand at a democracy forum on Oct. 21 held on Toronto Metropolitan University ‘s (TMU) campus.

The forum, called “Defending Democracies” hosted by Toronto Star columnist Martin Regg Cohn, discussed Canada’s contribution to defending democracies, the war in Ukraine and threats of nuclear war in Europe.

With TMU president Mohamed Lachemi in attendence, halfway through the event, a protester stood up in front of the stage with a banner that read: “Stop the war, peace in Ukraine, stop lying, stop sending weapons, stop NATO.” Anand asked to see the sign, as the protester inched closer toward Anand and Cohn.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” said Anand to the protester. “I want to say that the aid that we have sent to Ukraine is aid that is in support of democracy and sovereignty and rules-based international order—that same order that has kept you, everyone in this room and our country safe since the end of the Second World War.” Shortly after the interruption, Anand took a break and security at the forum asked the protestor to sit down.

PRAPTI BAMANIYA/ THE EYEOPENER

Anand returned about 10 minutes later and continued forward with the conversation.

“Well, it’s important in democracy for there to be a full airing of voices and views,” she said.

“That’s exactly what happened today and so I am completely accepting of democracy.”

Regg Cohn said he wasn’t surprised by the interruption.

“There’s always a tension when you’re having a public event—between letting people have their say in a democracy but also not shutting people down or trying to shut people down because it’s not fair.”

Fourth-year politics and governance student Gabe Eduardo, whose

parents came to Canada due to conflict in their home country, said the points the protester had on war were valid.

“Because it is democracy, you can’t just kick somebody out for voicing their opinion,” he said.

Liam Iannarelli, a fourth-year criminology student said while violence is inarguably unfavourable, this fight can lead to a change.

“I think that defending democracy and also defending the lives, the livelihoods and the dignity of Ukrainian people is worth a fight. I think some things are worth the fight and fighting is violence.”

Iannarelli thought the obstruction was managed well.

“They took a break when it was indignant,” he said.

“It was handled really well and because it is a democracy, you can’t just kick somebody out for voicing their opinion.”

It was Iannarelli’s first democracy forum and he said he would return for another one. “It was very informative and it’s cool that they would just let students like us go and be involved in such an important topic.”

Dante Hayes, a fourth-year politics and governance student, said he felt the same way.

“I think it’s free and I’m fucking chilling anyways, so why not?”

Anand and Regg Cohn both said in interviews after the forum that they would return to TMU for another event, despite the interruption. “This would never stop us,” said Regg Cohn. “What we saw upstairs is show business, but the business of democracy is really important and the show must go on.”

“People can make a point, and we let the person make the point with protests. But that doesn’t mean that they can stop us from doing what we’re here for,” said Regg Cohn.

The event was sponsored by TMU’s faculty of arts and was held in the Sears Atrium at the George Vari Engineering and Computing Centre on campus.

Only one student shows up to TMSU’s commuter town hall

By Kinda Kakouni

Sugunalan discussed the barriers in place for getting students discounted Only one student showed up to the transit, particularly due to GO TranToronto Metropolitan Students’ sit’s “fervent” rejections of any proUnion’s (TMSU) commuter town posed student discounts, often citing hall held on Oct. 19. that it already has student discounts.

The town hall was set to discuss various commuter concerns such as “[I’m] disappointed the possibility of getting discounted but [the turnout was] transit passes, increasing designated kind of expected” napping spaces on campus and eliminating 8 a.m. classes.

The town hall proceeded with a Currently, GO Transit has a stuwriter from The Eyeopener, a single dent discount that offers students audience member who tuned in via 40 per cent off the regularly priced Zoom, vice-president education adult fare.

Nathan Sugunalan and communiAn added barrier, according to cations coordinator David Jardine. Sugunalan, is that there needs to TMSU president Marina Gerges be a time frame of about five years also showed up at the end of the in between referendums. However, town hall to check-in.

The Eye could not independently At the beginning of the meeting, verify this information.

Sugunalan explained that the town When asked about her reaction hall was “for the students” to “give to the turnout, Gerges explained an overview of how [the TMSU] that she is “disappointed but [the see[s] things.” turnout was] kind of expected,” due Sugunalan added that this was to the busyness of midterm season an opportunity for the TMSU to for students. “We’re just going to do “touch base with membership and better in terms of promoting every see where everyone is at,” with the event,” said Gerges, “Everything goal of creating a road map for fu- that we have, we have to make sure ture administrations to create a stu- that students know what we have dent transit pass. going on.”

During the town hall, Jardine and In the meeting, Jardine said, “This

is our first event in [person] of the year, so yeah, we’re learning.”

The Eye also took to Gould Street and asked 50 Toronto Metropolitan University students whether they’d heard about the meeting and all said they hadn’t.

This wasn’t the first time the school and the union attempted to create a transit discount for students. Between 2017 and 2018, the then-TMSU executive team was involved with the referendum for a transit pass, known as the RU-Pass.

As previously reported by The Eye, the RU-Pass would cost students $70 per month. The Toronto Transit Commission approved the creation of the framework necessary for the implementation of the RUPass in December 2017.

Subsequently, a referendum was successfully held in November 2018 and the school announced that the RU-Pass would be administered for the first time in fall 2019. However, the school said it would not be administering the RU-Pass following the release of the Student Choice Initiative (SCI).

Introduced by the provincial government in January 2019, the SCI‘s goal was to give students the opportunity to opt-out of cer-

tain fees that had previously been deemed mandatory.

In November of that same year, the SCI was ruled to be unlawful in a unanimous Ontario Divisional Court ruling.

During the town hall, newly-appointed vice-president education Sugunalan said that in the 201718 year, the then-vice-president education “wasn’t able to feet this motion within their term, so the plan was sent over to the next [vice-president] education. Unfortunately, the [vice-president] education wasn’t necessarily up to par for the task at hand.”

Also raised at the meeting was the concern of 8 a.m. classes for commuter students and some creative solutions to this problem, like live-streaming or hybrid options classes online.

“We’re the students’ union,” said Jardine. “Most of the people who work in and around us are either students or have recently been students and so we think [those options] are great solutions.”

However, they added that “The university doesn’t share that sentiment” and regardless of the unions’ opinions, the school needs to be “on board.”

Editor-in-Chief Abeer “Birthday Boss” Khan News Edward “The Bomb! ” Djan Thea “No More Law School Applications??? Gribilas Prapti “Out Of Pocket” Bamaniya Photo Jes “Lime Bubly” Mason Vanessa “Big Brain” Kauk Peyton “First Circ!” Keeler-Cox Online Alexandra “Sweetie Pie” Holyk Abby “Feach Legend” Hughes Features Mariyah “Elite” Salhia Arts and Culture Madeline “InDesign Expert” Liao Business and Technology Christina “Adulting” Flores-Chan Communities Asha “The Wise” Swann Sports Gavin “Beefing” Axelrod Jack “Of All Trades” MacCool Fun and Satire Zarmminaa “EIC!!!” Rehman Media Sonia “RTA’s Finest” Khurana Youdon “GOAT Editor” Tenzin General Manager Liane “Get Well Soon” McLarty Advertising Manager Chris “Constructor” Roberts Design Director J.D. “Choco Cake :)” Mowat Contributors Thea “UFC Hardcore” Gribilas Dexter “Any Questions For Me?” LeRuez Sam “Warming Up” Beaudoin Nathan “Watermark” Gerson Raphael “Walk On” Chahinian Konnor “SD Card Reader” Killoran Armen “Starbs” Zargarian Matthew “MIP” Lin Mikayla “Ol’ Reliable” Guarasci Keiran “Still Waiting” Gorsky Bana “Schedule Change” Yirgalem

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Advice Column: Am I becoming hotter or just pettier?

Paloma Torres answers the age-old question constantly on everyone’s minds

By Paloma Torres

PEYTON KEELER-COX & JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER

Going through a breakup? She’ll get you over them. Friends bailed on plans? She’ll show you how to slay all the haters. With tons of life experience and a huge wealth of knowledge, Paloma knows it all and is beyond qualified to help you with all of your life problems. So go ahead, ask Paloma your questions and she’ll teach you how to be a boss just like her.

Dear Paloma, I’ve noticed my attitude just hasn’t been the vibe lately. Yesterday, I totally lost it at a restaurant because my pasta was only 18 C, which is two degrees below normal room temperature—like two degrees! How could they?

And just last week, I gave my partner the silent treatment for not answering all I seem to do is hard-block people left and right, foregoing the soft-block altogether. If I’m not doing that, I leave rude comments with super sassy emojis or direct message my friends with passiveaggressive cat GIFs. The fact of the matter is that somehow, I’ve been getting way more attention because of it. Like everyone wants to

terrible attitude has made me the hottest and most wanted being on the planet.

But even though I’m popular now, I can’t help but feel bad for my actions.

Maybe I’m overthinking it but I don’t know if I’ve become hotter or just pettier! What do you think?

Sincerely, Potentially Petty/Hot Person

I’ve been getting all these compliments Hi Potentially Petty/Hot Person,

Sounds like you’re in a pickle—not a real one of course, however, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Who wouldn’t flip with ICE COLD pasta? It should be hot when served, not 18 C. You could’ve gotten horribly sick from that!

As far as I’m concerned, you’re not petty, you just have high standards—as one should.

You also had every right to give your partner the silent treatment

because responding any later than three minutes is a major red flag. I’m surprised you didn’t get the ick. To be honest, I can’t believe you didn’t break up with them right then and there because that’s what I would have done. Anyways, the silent treatment was a great second choice.

Make them sweat a little to make your point, who cares if it’s toxic?

As for blocking people on social media, there’s no shame in that. All

it means is that you know yourself and how to set boundaries, which is SO hot—like you’re literally on fire.

You don’t need all that negative energy in your life and a little blockity block never hurt anyone. Besides perhaps the people being blocked out of the blue.

My question for you is: were you being purposefully rude with your comments and emojis or just being honest? I’m sure you meant well.

Some people just don’t know how to handle constructive criticism.

It’s not your fault they can’t take the heat, you were just being an icon!

In my opinion, you’re getting all this attention because you’re speaking your mind and living your best life! You’re in your baddie era and people are noticing.

Hotness is not about how you look, it’s a way of life and about how you present yourself. So what if your confidence is a bit boisterous and insulting! If someone thinks you’re petty and mean, that seems like a them problem. Hopefully now you have a bit more guidance and you can use it to make the most of being the icon that you are!

XO, Paloma

Emojis: Still cringey or a crucial texting tool?

A TMU-wide survey looks to understand how students use emojis

PEYTON KEELER-COX & JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER

By Mariana Schuetze Emojis. Emoticons. Smiley faces.

They were once cringey and a “mom-thing.” Today, emojis are indispensable when having casual conversations online. Can you really flirt without using the winkyface emoji or express your frustration without the angry-face emoji?

I think not.

Why have these tiny emotive characters changed the way we communicate nowadays? Welcome to The Eyeopener’s very (un)serious debrief of why emojis are an essential texting tool.

We polled a section of the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) student body to gauge their opinions on emojis. Out of

90,000 students, 69,420 disclosed that they use emojis on a day-today basis.

From our findings, 87 per cent of those surveyed said they use emojis “like…everyday.”

43 per cent said they only use emojis in their school notes, while 10 per cent of students said they “solely” use emojis to feel joy when expressing a thought.

When surveyed, one student even asked if we were really genuinely writing a research piece on emojis, to which we replied, “The Eye believes emojis are a big part of the TMU community. We want to understand how they are used.”

The results of the survey also found almost half of the subjects interviewed use emojis whilst study-

ing, which begs the question—how?

“I like using them on every single one of my revision notes,” said Jean Ralphio, a fourth-year early childhood studies student.

Ralphio says he usually uses the “infamous Cornell method” when studying. But instead of writing questions on the left column, he uses emojis. “Scary face means I need to read this over and study more,” Ralphio said. “I use the green check-mark when I am done with that topic and the star-faced emoji when I get an answer right!”

The idea behind this, Ralphio says, comes from studying with his dad as a kid. Ralphio would get a golden sticker every time he got an answer right. “Today, using emojis when studying brings me right back to doing homework with my family on a random school night,” he says.

About 300 TMU students have tattoos of emojis on their bodies. Sam Larpis-Gretki, a first-year civil engineering student, has the emoji of the cat crying with laughter tattooed on their forearm. Another seven students, interestingly enough, also have that same emoji tattooed on their forearms.

“Sometimes, when I’m laughing

too hard at a joke and can’t speak, I will just hold my tattoo in front of my mouth and my friends will understand what is going on,” LarpisGretki said.

“That’s the beauty of emojis. You don’t even have to open your mouth.”

Aside from being prevalent in the TMU community, emojis are also literally everywhere. The Fawk Canadian Research Centre recently did a Canada-wide survey about the use of emojis among young adults in 2022.

The survey found that 66 per cent of emoji users across Canada “will feel stronger emotions toward someone using emojis.” The study also found that using the eggplant emoji while flirting will actually make you appear less amiable. Inversely, the most favoured emojis to use while flirting, according to the study, were the smiling face with heart eyes emoji, the face blown off emoji and the pride flag emoji.

The study found that emojis can also be an excellent tactic for learning how old someone is by merely observing their most used emoticons.

69 per cent of Gen Z users reportedly use emojis to mean something other than their intended

use. It was found that only 13 per cent of boomers are doing the same thing.

Therefore, if you ironically send the cowboy hat emoji alongside the one of painted nails to a cute person on Tinder and they reply with “Haha, what?” there is a great chance you’re being catfished.

Overall, emojis have offered mankind one of the best gifts—a universal language. With emojis, people, including TMU’s very own students, can enhance their communication with each other.

The study also found that the use of emojis made it easier for students to find each other on campus. For example, 88 per cent of students sent each other a rat and a square emoji to indicate they were in the Kerr Hall Quad, home to the university’s rat population.

As for whether emojis are cool or cringe, there seems to be a positive consensus. The Canada-wide research found that 77 per cent of surveyed individuals said they like using emojis. Comparatively at TMU, 88 per cent of students believe emojis are “cool.”

“Crying laughing face, smiling moon, clapping hands, bone and flaming heart,” said Raphio.

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Editorial: Remember to embrace your emotions and feel your heart out

Contributing Emoticons Managing Editor Zarmminaa Rehman Editor-in-Chief Abeer Khan Writers Alisha Shaikh Anastasia Blosser Anne Lague Asha Swann Bashair Ali Fatima Raza Layyan Mohamed-Birhan Marco Muia Mariana Schuetze Paloma Torres Rochelle Raveendran Copy Editors Edward Djan Gavin Axelrod Jack MacCool Jack Wannan Madeline Liao Mariyah Salhia Prapti Bamaniya Thea Gribilas

VANESSA KAUK/THE EYEOPENER

By Zarmminaa Rehman

The Emotional Issue presents the various ways in which humans Never did I think my life’s trajecto- digest and interpret the different ry would bring me to be the manag- emotions they feel. ing editor of a satirical special issue for my campus newspaper, but alas, here I am. It was clearly my sense The real MVP has always of humour that enabled me to take been my emotions on such an important role at The Eyeopener—but the real MVP has always been my emotions.

This issue aims to encapsulate Humour has consistently been a how the past couple of years durleaning stone for me and this rang ing the pandemic have changed especially true during my bouts our outlook and approach on with mental health struggles. I addressing and caring for our started feeling a surge of anxious- emotional needs and concerns as ness in Grade 10, after a particularly young students. messy friendship breakup that was The time spent inside alone abrupt and unforeseeable. with our thoughts helped Since then, I’ve had us embrace the emotions my fair share of wins inside us. It gave us the but also days where I’ve time to slow down, assess felt down in the dumps. what’s inside and protect During those lowly days, our own personal wellbeI didn’t like expressing ing. Some still may have anything less than positivity and trouble even addressing their joy, so naturally I embraced my in- emotions and find other avenues ner-comedian through zingy one- that are adjacent to expressing liners about my mental state as op- them. Both are valid and done for posed to being vulnerable around really personal reasons. anyone. For a long time, I didn’t Moreover, the aim of The Emofeel comfortable sharing—much tional Issue is to show us ways in less admitting—how I truly felt which we can fully embrace all on the inside because I believed it of our emotions, regardless of would make others think I was whether they are negative or posia burden. tive—because sometimes it just be It wasn’t until quite recently like that. that I’ve been practicing the art This issue, of course, comes of rational thinking—and let me during a very hectic period of the tell you, it does wonders for your fall semester where everything mental health. seems to be happening all at once.

I hope that reading this issue provides readers with a light-hearted pick-me-up after battling several midterms and assignment deadlines over the course of a few short weeks.

Working through this issue, I really learned to embrace all my emotions. I laughed with masthead members, cried in the bathroom while mentally listing all the things that needed to be done, snacked on countless candies, slept in and missed my train, stressed out over my editorial photos and, of course, jumped up with joy when finishing this editorial—true story. It was like working on a group project where I was both the problematic member and simultaneously the solution-finder.

This issue encompases all things cringey In this issue, you’ll naturally pick up on the unique senses of humour each writer has, but also how they direct their emotions.

From being horny on main to being a bitter prick about all-things nice, it encompasses all things cringey, crucial and beautiful.

This issue may be satirical but it doesn’t negate that people still

hold that same mindset underneath a mask of comical fibs.

We all experience a range of emotions that sometimes we’re not comfortable expressing. At a certain point in my life, I felt like I was a bin for people to spill all of their negative emotions and hardships into, but felt unable to ask for the same generosity back. You win some you lose some.

Because sometimes it really truly just be like that Jokes and humour (which aren’t the healthiest coping methods, but alas) helped me find the power to admit that underneath the hilarious person I am, things weren’t always great. That I can’t always make jokes on how the “vibes are off” and make it OK. Perhaps this is something you also struggle with and so if you take anything away from this issue, I hope it’s a big laugh, but also the secret power to be able to express your emotions.

We all have to go through denial before acceptance.

Disclaimer: Countless hours spent on this issue are to ensure that your journey is filled with nothing but laughter ahead, so...you bet-ter laugh!

Web Nishil Kapadia Sam Chowdhury Visuals Jes Mason Peyton Keeler-Cox Vanessa Kauk Models Joseph Gomes Nayln Tindall Vivien Jin Illustrators Brithi Sehra Viktoriya Pylypchuk Online Alexandra Holyk Abby Hughes Media Sonia Khurana Youdon Tenzin Emotions Happy Sad Angry Shocked Fear Surprised Love Joy Envy Bliss Horror Meh Horny Hungry Suspicious

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A playlist for each and every mood BRITHI SEHRA/THE EYEOPENER

By Anne Lague University can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Sure, you’re probably going to vomit your brains out from the commotion of it all, but at least now

your emotions.

you can vibe along while doing it.

From regretful to raging to gleeful to sad, this playlist will back you up when it seems no one else will.

Take a listen and remember how good it can feel to be in touch with

these days, but our queen Fiona Apple won’t. Paired with experimental “Itty Bitty Piggy” by Nicki Minaj percussion, “Relay’’ embodies female Are you feeling like you’ve hit a rage like no other. This song will harreal-life version of the Super Ma- ness your stewing fury with its cultrio Kart star power-up? Are you like vocals and metaphoric writing. strutting to class and radiating rainbows? This song will make you “Survival Tactics” by Joey Bada$$, feel like you’re on top of the world, Capital Steez unstoppable and simply put, hot.

Feeling determined and ready for anything? Maybe it’s finally time “LILAC” by IU to lift heavier at the gym or just Maybe physically you’re in the Shel- tackle that assignment that’s four don and Tracy Levy Student Learn- weeks overdue. Listening to this ing Centre but emotionally you are song will put you in the mood to frolicking among puppies and eating conquer anything with its motivabirthday cake. Upbeat and cheery, tional lyrics and driving beat. this song’s electronic synths and beats promise eternal happiness with “Francis Forever” by Mitski a dollop of sunshine—no biggie.

Perhaps your sadness feels endless and your bed has never looked com“Relay” by Fiona Apple fier. Perfect to drown your sorrows Men only seem to disappoint you in, “Francis Forever” offers some of

Mitski’s most intimate writing yet, with themes of heartbreak and loss.

“Uh Uh” by Thundercat With Halloween right around the corner, maybe you’re feeling panicked trying to find a last-minute costume. This song will make you feel chaotic and agile, well-suited for nervous scavenging through Value Village and Dollarama.

“Lover” by Taylor Swift Swoon! Have you been dreaming of your future spouse? Feeling particularly taken by your hallway crush?

Love is clearly upon you. Listening to this T-Swift song will give you that warm and fuzzy feeling that romance is alive and well.

Read the full story at theemotionalissue.eyeopener.com

From the mind of a 25-year-old: How I became an emotionally intelligent adult

By Asha Swann It was a dark and stormy night. A cautious figure entered a haunted house with an eye for revenge. OK, it wasn’t a stormy night—it was more like a sunny September morning.

Maybe the cautious figure wasn’t actually a figure at all, it was just me entering kindergarten for the first time. But the revenge part was real.

Even at four years old, I felt like being shipped off to school was clearly my mom just punishing me for my existence, as if being the middle child wasn’t tough enough.

From that moment on, I began my journey to becoming the angsty child, pre-teen and teenager who I would be for the next 20 years.

A good day can come and go but the bad days are catastrophic When you’re 16 years old, a good day can come and go but the bad days, those are catastrophic. My first day of Grade 11 was a whammy. Not only was I the only one of my friends who didn’t harbor a secret summer crush but I also went through the entire morning without realizing that I was on my period. Thank you to the cute guy in my algebra class who I would proceed to never make eye contact with again, for pointing it out.

I’m 25 years old now. I’ve stopped wishing for an earthquake to devour me whenever I realize a crush is onesided (the algebra class romance was never meant to happen). I did somehow eventually grow out of my teenage angst and the obsession with getting revenge on my mom for doing literally nothing wrong.

Maybe inspired by my journey, you too can become moderately well-ad-

justed by the time you hit your mid- VANESSA KAUK/THE EYEOPENER twenties—hopefully.

Here are three life-changing chapters of my life that shaped me into becoming the somewhat emotionally intelligent person I am today: Chapter 1: The passive-aggressive tantrums What do you get when you combine an ignored middle child with an oversized department store? The need for attention at all costs, of course.

I was never a fan of the conventional tantrum—I always needed to go bigger. The whole screaming and crying on the floor fiasco just wasn’t my vibe because that’s exactly what my mom would’ve expected. Unfortunately for her, I would shake things up a bit by playing an innocent round of department store hide-and-seek where my mom never knew she was in on the game.

The results were priceless. I would sneak off and hide between tall shelves, lock myself in dingy changing rooms for way too long and do anything to get my mom worked up. It was the same old routine: I would hide, she would panic and the store would eventually announce my name on the loudspeakers asking if I would please come visit the customer service desk. Then, my mom would give me the same old lecture and swear that one of these days she was going to put me on a leash or whatever.

My bratty, passive-aggressive tantrums came to an abrupt end though, when I realized my older brother’s efforts were much better at getting my mom’s attention. Turns out, his idea of just talking instead of giving everyone the silent treatment was actually more effective. Who would’ve thought? So remember, communication is key.

Chapter 2: Forget the epic summer romance, it all sucks The only thing I could think about as the June before my junior year neared its sweaty end was that high school summers are magical—even more than the holiday season.

Every summer, my friends and I had only one goal: have an epic summer romance. If you were lucky enough to get a job at a far-off sleepaway camp, your Epic Summer Romance was basically guaranteed.

One girl I knew bragged about having her first kiss on the July 1 weekend with a guy who worked at the deli counter at our local Walmart.

God, I wanted that so bad.

Let your emo

The idea of working a summer job only to have a passionate yet fleeting romance with someone who lives impossibly far away was my dream.

What is romance if not imagining yourself as the “Y/N” in the most cliché Wattpad stories, with a black and white GIF of a One Direction member in every chapter? For me, a gal stuck in the sleepy suburbs with my grandparents every summer, the odds of having an epic summer romance were slim. OK, closer to negative 10 per cent. Truly, there is

nothing worse for a 16-year-old girl than seeing her friends fall in love without her.

Not experiencing that romance can be heartbreaking in itself and sometimes there’s a void that only depressing music can fill. Load up on The Smiths, Death Cab for Cutie and My Chemical Romance while you relish in loneliness. The TikTok girlies are right, sometimes we just need to like our own company.

Once you’re an adult, you’ll learn how to romanticize summer sunsets all by yourself with a *insert super expensive vintage camera*. But for now? Let your emo flag fly high.

Chapter 3: What are we doing?

No one ever talks about how long it takes you to actually feel like an adult after legally becoming one.

Okay sure, you’re technically an adult when you turn 18, but does that really mean much if your mom still has to make appointments for you and asks where you’re going every time you leave the house?

I didn’t really feel like an adult until I was at the ripe age of 20, when I went on basically the worst first date ever. By the time he was done criticizing my hair, makeup and outfit, we hadn’t even finished our appetizers nor did I feel like eating anything else. I knew it was time for me to make my escape.

High school me would have called my mom, but the adult in me had to be creative. In my defense, he really left me no choice. I mean, who takes a vegan to Swiss Chalet on a first date?

Being a real adult is all about being resourceful. So if you find yourself trapped in an all-chicken restaurant with a man who admits he forgot your name, you might just have to climb out of a bathroom window.

Here’s a tip: always wear sturdy boots because sometimes the bathroom counters can be slippery. But after an hour, you can text him saying there was a family emergency. Personally, I prefer not to end relationships via text, but sometimes they really leave you no choice. The lesson? You’d be surprised how often life grants you a literal window of opportunity when you feel trapped.

I was never a fan of the conventional tantrum—I always needed to go bigger Is that really all it takes to become an emotionally mature pubescent?

Communication, self-assurance and getting dumped? Yes but also no.

Growing up is weird; all you can do is try and fail. You’ll flunk a class, your crush will ignore you, your best friend will tell you that your haircut sucks, maybe you’ll get lice, someone will forget your birthday or your printer will inevitably jam when you need to hand in a paper.

So what? Just because it feels like the end of the world doesn’t mean it is. That’s what being a teen is for. Embrace everything that sucks; you’ll be grown up before you know it. Hopefully, these life lessons will help remind you that everything isn’t nearly as bad as it seems.

DOWN TO CLOWN

Students no longer sad, they are now horny Be unapologetic about those hidden sexual desires and smutty fantasies Words by Alexandra Holyk

A

t 11:57 p.m. one Wednesday evening, the blue light from Jacques Hoff’s phone illuminates their bedroom from their bedside table. The vibration of the device against the nightstand is loud enough to wake the third-year English student from their slumber. Muttering a groan, rolling their eyes and reaching out from under the covers, they check the notification.

As they blink their eyes to adjust to the light, a text message from the number 30500001 reads: “You have mail from No-

Visuals by Vanessa Kauk and Peyton Keeler-Cox

tificationEmail@ryerson.desire2learn.com. Please reply with ‘Read’ to read your message.”

Last year, Hoff wouldn’t have given much thought to a notification from an online learning platform this late on a school night, especially since it would bring cumbersome news regarding their grades. They’d dread typing out the letters ‘R-ea-d’ as they felt their heart leap up into their throat and held back tears as they pressed send.

This year is different. Hoff feels butterflies fluttering in

their stomach and blood rushing to their cheeks as they eagerly type and misspell ‘Read’ out of excitement, having to retype the word two more times as a result. A giddy grin appears on their face as they read the message on their screen.

Hoff immediately logs into their D2L homepage for ENG 941: Gender and Sex in Literature and Culture. Tapping through the menu, they navigate to the ‘Subscription alerts’ tab in the top right-hand corner to see Makenna Mecome had replied to their discussion post on the juxtaposition of BDSM

7

DOWN TO CLOWN embedded within Shakespearian role-play.

Hoff whispers Mecome’s response: “Thank you for sharing your ideas…”

“Hmmm,” Hoff thinks. “That ‘…’ after ‘ideas’ sure seems suggestive, right? Should I reply back with ‘U up? Haha ;)’?”

Ever since reading Mecome’s mandatory post introducing herself in the completely online, asynchronous course, Hoff became hot and heavy at the thought of meeting her in person.

“I’m not sure what she looks like or if she’s even real, but that doesn’t matter to me,” Hoff said. “She seems like she’d be a gentlelady in the Google Meets, but a freak in the Google Sheets.”

Hoff isn’t the only Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) student taking a more sexual approach to the 202223 school year. According to gender studies professor Ivanna Smache, post-secondary institutions across the country are seeing a 69 per cent increase in horniness and sexual tension among students.

“Being stuck at home because of the pandemic made students build up a significant amount of frustration. they were overcome with sadness and anger,” Smache says. “However, our research has shown that the frustration—which has since been identified as sexual frustration—is being released now that students are back on campus.”

This research has been supported by an increase in condom sales, Tinder matches within a five-kilometre radius of university campuses across Ontario and the use of tissues for “something other than tears,” Smache says.

TMU students say they are no longer sad to be back on campus, but rather, they’re excited in more ways than one.

While they’re using their two legs to get around from class to class, their ‘third leg’ is steering them in the direction of horny town—and it’s not clowning around.

anymore,” she says.

Mayup says this is probably because Bheen’s feelings weren’t those of sadness, but instead of arousal and lust. “The moisture should be expelled from between her thighs instead of her eyes.”

In 2019, a study conducted by the University of Nevada, Reno surveyed two groups of women students. One group was asked to channel their emotions through crying and the other through sexual relations and selfstimulation. The study found that the first group reported feeling not fully over the issue at hand and “dryer than the Sahara desert” in the vicinity of their reproductive organs. The second group saw a decrease in stress and increases in happiness, productivity and “basement flooding” in their nether regions.

“The second group knew how to have a good time. These women fuck,” the peer-reviewed scholarly article reads.

Now on Bheen’s agenda, the two hours on Tuesday nights previously blocked off for crying have now been replaced with the words “dick appointment <=3,” still written with a sparkly purple gel pen.

“Although my sneaky link might only last three minutes and 37 seconds on average, those three minutes and 37 seconds are all I need to release my frustrations,” Bheen says.

“The rest of the two-hour period is for peeing to prevent a UTI and getting Rolltation delivered to his apartment when I get the post-sex munchies.”

“He might hit my g-spot, but that sushi burrito hits the spot.”

W

hen Flikma Bheen was in her first year of urban and regional planning in the fall of 2021, she made a habit of scheduling every hour of her day from the time she woke up to the time she’d go to sleep.

Bheen would carefully colour-code blocks in her agenda with various hues of sparkly gel pen ink: blue for classes and studying, orange for extra-curriculars like Zumba, debate club and Bheen family FaceTime calls, pink for sleep and green for house chores and errands. She even scheduled a time to express her emotions when she’d feel overwhelmed or stressed in sparkly purple: she’d cry from 7:25 p.m. to 9:25 p.m. every Tuesday.

Bheen carried on with this weekly tradition for the rest of her first year and well into her summer break. It was a way for her to let out any tensions between her personal, school, work and social lives, which she says accumulate on a weekly basis.

According to a 2016 study conducted by the Feelings Under Calming Kittens (FUCK) research organization, crying is one of the most popular ways for young people between the ages of 18 and 25 to reduce stress. However, the study also says it isn’t the most effective way.

Phil Mayup, a University of Toronto (U of T) psychology and behavioural studies professor, says having sex has been proven to work best to relieve pressure and boost morale.

“It turns that frown upside down and not just because your partner’s head is dangling off the side of the bed during intercourse,” the FUCK researcher says.

Bheen says when she’d cry, she gradually started to feel like she wasn’t being satisfied. “It just wasn’t hitting the spot for me

A

t the beginning of the pandemic, when everything was shut down, then-first-year TMU politics and governance student Troy Nafoque found himself “down in the dumps.”

Back then, he was waiting to hear if he got into the U of T fraternity he pledged: Beta Alpha Nu Gamma or BANG for short. According to its Canadian Frat Life-affiliated Instagram page, BANG is notoriously known for throwing rampant ragers from dusk till dawn.

Nafoque had a go-to move when he’d hit on women at the parties; a play he called “the George Michael.” Nafoque would approach a girl at a house party that he was interested in pursuing, introduce himself and start up a conversation about their favourite songs that feature saxophones. When “Careless Whisper” inevitably came up into conversation, he’d then invite her to a private area to put on an acapella performance of the musical number, mouth saxophone sounds and all.

“It truly was like, a whole ass production, you know?”

Nafoque says while excitedly showing a video of the play in action and simultaneously mimicking his lip placements for the sax solo.

But when the Canadian and provincial governments en-

forced mandatory lockdowns, they took the pep right out of Nafoque’s step.

A self-described “alpha dawg D-A-W-G not D-O-G, bro,” Nafoque thought the lockdowns weren’t very “cash money” of the government, especially since they meant no more partying and no more George Michael.

“It honestly blew me and not in the way I like it,” Nafoque says. “It was like, with teeth.”

A study published earlier this year by Locked and (Un) Loaded, a niche research group based in Toronto that specifically looks at the correlation between post-secondary students’ sex drive and the COVID-19 pandemic, found a 75 per cent decrease in sexual relations between two or more people during the lockdowns. The study says this is because interactions were limited to those living within the same household and most people preferred to live by the golden rule: Don’t sleep with your roommates.

“Since people were masking up, being clean and not getting down and dirty, a lull period developed in many people’s sex lives that didn’t exist before the pandemic,” the study reads. “This led folks to release their built-up tensions and frustrations through their emotions, perhaps even taking it out on their roommates through a mix of angry tears, snot expulsions and chronic hiccups. No wonder they didn’t want to sleep together.”

However, the study also suggests that despite a decrease in sexual interactions between two or more people, the pandemic became an opportunity for self-discovery, with results showing that two-thirds of those surveyed purchased at least one sex toy for personal pleasure between March 2020 and December 2021.

“It appears as though students needed a helping ‘hand’ to get the ‘job’ done,” the study reads.

Smache echoes the study’s findings, saying she’s witnessed students’ sex drive make its post-pandemic return first-hand.

“You know that corner on the sixth floor of the SLC [Sheldon and Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre]. You know exactly which one I’m talking about,” Smache says with a shudder and an irking half-grin, half-frown.

Nafoque says he frequents the sixth floor of the SLC but also continues to attend BANG parties as one of the senior Bros within the fraternity. The now-fourth-year student has since improved his “George Michael” play—he even learned how to play the saxophone to offer an immersive experience of distinguished musical stylings.

“The ‘George Michael’ works even better than it did before.

Now I’m good with my fingers, but the ladies still love it when I play my mouth saxophone to impress them elsewhere,” Nafoque says with a wink as he plays air saxophone, mouth sounds and all.

W

hile Hoff is still taking ENG 941, they say they’re looking forward to interacting with Mecome through their course discussion posts every week, wondering when they’ll chat next.

According to Hoff, the pair has had “thought-provoking conversations with hidden undertones of a tasteful sexual innuendo” in several threads, without breaking any course conduct rules, of course. However, Hoff is ready to take the next step.

“I offered to start a WhatsApp group chat for the class in the ‘Coffee Shop’ discussion thread. She said it was a great idea and sent me her number, adding that we should set up a ‘study session’ for the upcoming midterm,” Hoff says.

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y entire life, I have seen countless trends rise and fall across social media platforms to the point where everyone is living the same life and loving the same things.

I think it’s so robotic. It seems to me that people only love certain things or tolerate them because they see everyone doing the same thing. Why not be different and express your hidden feelings toward popular trends such as The Tote Bag from Marc Jacobs that everybody supposedly loves and adores? When I was a young girl, I realized I was different from everybody else. I was always the picky one about everything in life, but I also enjoyed it because it allowed me to know exactly what I desired, what I fancied or what I can go on long-winded tangents about. There are countless trends today that society favours, which I could rant about all day.

Have you ever heard of water?

Or, if you need some flavour, try tea. At this point, I don’t think most people are even fond of coffee, I think they drink it for the sake of saying they drink it or having a little cup in their hands.

Of all the wonderful things you can slurp, a coffee shouldn’t be on anybody’s list. When did it become acceptable to take a coffee break every two hours? That just never sat right with me.

I The things I love to hate

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think we all know that one of the trendiest bags currently on the market is the infamous Marc Jacobs Tote Bag. We all know which one I’m talking about—it’s all over Instagram, TikTok and of course, Toronto Metropolitan University. If I earned a dollar every time I saw someone strolling around campus with one, well, I would be rich enough to buy the whole Marc Jacobs brand. In fact, it would be enough for early retirement.

My hatred for this bag knows no limits and I deem my reasons valid enough to despise it. For starters, the bag costs around $200 or more but seriously lacks in quality. It is atrocious that you can only wear the bag for a few mere months before it begins to fade due to the material or being out in the sun too long. It is essential for such an expensive bag to be high in quality.

Furthermore, the bag is without a doubt your shoulder’s worst enemy.

Yes, the Tote Bag is quite spacious but what is the point of filling it up if it only inflicts unnecessary discomfort and pain onto your shoulder and back?

And don’t get me started on the atrociously basic design. It was never cute, much less captivating. But social media hyped it up to a level where every student wanted to get their hands on one. It’s fascinating to see the amount of people that actually felt compelled to buy one. Most of these ridiculous trends—everyone buying the same ugly bag—stem from the one app that the majority of young teens and adults cannot re-

As Randy Jackson once said: “It’s a no from me” Words by Layyan Mohamed-Birhan move their eyes from—TikTok, the next subject of my rage.

T

ikTok seems to be popular with today’s youngsters and even some adults. Back in the day, when the app was known as Musical.ly, it used to be grand as everyone was only lip syncing and hand-dancing to sped up music remixes. But now, it seems to me that people haven’t grown up yet because I cannot fathom witnessing users doing such complex yet uninteresting dances in public settings just for a few views and likes.

Honestquestion: was it worth it? Are you amused and fulfilled by the time it took to learn those dances?

Though I absolutely understand using the app to view funny content or learn new life hacks, the TikTok dances are where it needs to end.

If I spend time getting ready for a nice evening out on the town, the last thing I want to see is a TikTok dance being made while I am trying to enjoy fine dining (at Popeyes).

To me, making TikTok dances is the cringiest thing you can do (unless you’re a child). I can rant and rant about TikTok dances and all you Charli D’Amelio wannabes can do nothing about it.

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Visuals by Vanessa Kauk

ne other thing about me is that I have no shame watching a series in five to 12 business hours. I believe that watching a movie or TV series you are totally enraptured by is a source of true eternal happiness.

But even though I am a Netflix fiend, there are quite a few shows that so many people would ride or die for that I would never watch, even if you paid me.

Let’s start with the show that just keeps on going and never ends: Grey’s Anatomy. I just want to know how it was possible to make 18 seasons of a show that’s set in a hospital? I think at least three seasons would cover all the floors, rooms and characters. I’m exhausted from hearing my friends talk about this show nonstop. How can someone be so engrossed in a show like that?

Grey’s Anatomy may have enough crimes to atone for but let us discuss the real hooligan of the TV universe: reality TV. It is one of the most unrealistic, scripted and overrated genres I have ever witnessed.

Love is Blind, Keeping Up With the Kardashians and The Ultimatum are just a tiny fraction of the reality TV shows that I cannot help but cringe at while watching—except for Love & Hip Hop; that show can stay because it is simply too entertaining watch-

ing the professional and personal lives of people in the music industry.

Reality TV is a big capitalist deception and is entirely based on dramatic people who clearly do not know what self-respect is. If your partner does not want to marry you, why take them on a show? Just leave. Rule number one is to never beg someone to love you, especially not in front of thousands of viewers at home.

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et’s take a moment of silence for all our Starbucks babes who are currently getting scammed every single day without realizing it, because paying $6 for a beverage is ridiculous.

In my not-so-humble opinion, iced coffee, iced capps and anything coffee-related needs to be gone just because of the fact that it simply tastes bad. This isn’t just for my sake but for the sake of everybody and the greater good.

How do you wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “Ah yes, something bitter will help me get through the day”? As a young bean, I have never really grasped the love that people have for coffee and I never will. Forgive me or not, if I see you enjoying a coffee, I will hit you with a disapproving glare from head to toe.

was in elementary school when I had cream cheese for the first time. This experience changed the trajectory of my entire life.

I was getting ready to leave home and walk to school but my father insisted I eat. Despite my constant refusal to eat breakfast, my dad still wouldn’t let me leave until I ate something. So, I had no choice but to surrender. I let him give me breakfast and he decided to give me cream cheese with bread.

It was my worst mistake. After I had taken that first bite, I knew I shouldn’t have listened to him.

That cream cheese was the worst thing I have ever had in my life.

I genuinely believe that there is nothing worse than cream cheese.

It is so thick and the taste is very much unpleasant. So to all the Tim Hortons lovers that get the double-toasted cream cheese bagel, I have one thing to ask you: How do you do it? How do you eat such an unpalatable thing?

What’s worse are the people who eat cream cheese just by itself—do you not see the crimes against humanity you’re committing or do menaces to society just have no days off? I wish I was able to seek repentance on behalf of my taste buds for tasting that horrendous bread spread. I am constantly shocked by cream cheese’s popularity and versatility.

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oday, a lot of things have gained unnecessary attention and hype when they are simply undeserving of it. It’s not my fault I was raised to be a hater. After all, I would much rather be an outlier than a fraud. It is my duty to remind you to never allow a person or the media to persuade you into believing something that you truly don’t believe in. The Tote Bag by Marc Jacobs is icky, Grey’s Anatomy is pointless and cream cheese is the enemy— these are my universal truths. I know that there are so many popular things that people try to force themselves to enjoy but use me as a model and embrace your hating nature. The power is yours, so remember to never fight the urge to rant about the things you love to hate.

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‘The Emoji Movie’ is a post-modern, anti-capitalist epic for the ages

Years after its release, it remains an underappreciated gem in cinema history

By Rochelle Raveendran This review contains spoilers for The Emoji Movie (2017) In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. In 1999, Shigetaka Kurita invented the emoji. 23 years later, the crab emoji would be used to signify celebration in the wake of Queen Elizabeth II’s death. But five years before that, The Emoji Movie was released, a miraculous achievement that makes The Communist Manifesto look like an editorial by the Monopoly Man for the National Post.

Directed by Tony Leonidis, the film is a rare rebuttal of the movie-goer who views films as purely financial enterprises. Under the façade of an animated feature film, The Emoji Movie dares to accomplish a striking, post-modern anticapitalist message, challenging the status quo with metafictional gusto.

Gene, voiced by T. J. Miller, is a ‘meh’ emoji living in Textopolis, a pixelated world inside freshman high school student Alex’s smartphone. All emojis work at the Emoji Bar, where they have no set hours and their biometric data is collected every day. Whenever Alex selects an emoji, their face is scanned and sent up to his text message box.

But Gene has a dangerous secret: he’s nonconforming and able to transform his expression beyond just meh.

When his ability is exposed, Textapolis’ dictatorial ruler, Smiler (Maya Rudolph), declares Gene a malfunction and commands her police bots to delete him. If the meh emoji cannot meh as required, it is unable to perform its singular function of labour— the reason why it exists.

At one point, she fashions a noose and hovers it over his head. Children are never too young to learn about lethally violent autocrats.

As Gene narrowly escapes stateendorsed death, he runs into the open palm of James Corden, playing an unused high-five emoji with the eyes and charm of a dead chihuahua. Together, the pair embark on a journey to find a hacker who can re-program Gene’s glitch and add High-Five to Alex’s emoji favourites section—finally giving Corden’s character a sense of purpose, while hopefully finding him a heart, The Wizard of Oz-style.

What follows is a cautionary tale about an emoji’s journey to become employable. The duo eventually ropes in coder Jailbreak (Anna Faris), a girlboss-sk8r grl hybrid who claims men always take credit for women’s ideas, although the speaker and listener are neither men nor women. They are both emojis. Gender norms are nevertheless a pixelated prison for Jailbreak, who is a former princess emoji hiding her crown under a beanie.

The Emoji Movie strips the art of animation down to the bone. Cutting the difference between Apple and Samsung’s emoji design, the film crash lands somewhere in Uncanny Valley. After all, what is an animated film except a series of moving emojis?

As the trio hop through apps to find their salvation in the Cloud— where Gene and High-Five can apparently be re-programmed—product placement replaces world-building.

Dropbox is portrayed as a safe haven, with Jailbreak grandly declaring the app is secure from malware.

Clearly, Dropbox paid the big bucks for an advert that no child could appreciate and no parent could toler-

ate. This propaganda illustrates how commercial needs drive individuals to nonsensical avenues, to the point of alienating viewers.

The older generation of emojis is not spared from the quest against authoritarian capitalism. Somehow, Gene has parents, though the question of reproduction (are emojis birthed or hatched?) is left unanswered. Their marriage cracks open as they search for their fugitive child, until Gene’s father, Mel (Steven Wright), reveals the truth.

He, too, can transform beyond just meh. For years, his secret was a suppressed trauma, stemming from the pressure to perform the job he was fated for since he was first animated.

This exchange with his wife, Mary (Jennifer Coolidge), is revealed and responded to in perfect monotone.

Even in their darkest moments, as they critique the system that led Mel to suppress his true self, the Meh family cannot sidestep the traits expected of them as spherical yellow cogs in the emoji keyboard machine.

Beyond Textopolis, The Emoji Movie plunges into self-conscious metafiction. The entire voice cast acts at a masterly level of anti-work performance art. Make no mistake: everyone is only here to cash their cheques and leave. On all levels of production, it is hard to imagine anyone investing more than 10 minutes of their time. Capitalism chokes the creative impulse whilst seemingly supporting it—and fittingly, there is nothing creative about The Emoji Movie.

Employing James Corden alone was exceptionally uncreative. In a pre-Cats, post-Carpool Karaoke world, Corden was inoffensive and not yet overexposed. At various

PEYTON KEELER-COX/THE EYEOPENER

points in the film, his character HighFive languishes in both the Loser Lounge, which is populated by fellow unused emojis and the Trash app. The Emoji Movie was not the first production to bank on Corden’s blandness but it shrewdly foreshadows how he was passed around from film to film like a viral infection until every possible target audience became sick of him. The short-term profit machine built Corden up and predicted his inevitable pop culture decline.

In a chilling conclusion, the emojis enjoy an office dance party, though we have no idea what’s happened to the dictator Smiler and her army. Jailbreak has reverted to a princess and Gene is essentially a GIF now, confined to the favourites box by choice after helping Alex win the affections of his crush.

I was reminded of George Orwell’s closing lines in 1984: “It was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.”

Whether emoji or human, free-

Our thoughts on songs that have the words ‘feeling’ or ‘emotion’

VIKTORIYA PYLYPCHUK/THE EYEOPENER

By Marco Muia Many songs are infamous for describing the way we feel. The right track can capture any emotion if it tries hard enough. To narrow down your search for the best mood music, we chose some songs with the word ‘feeling’ or ‘emotion’ in the title. Give them a listen.

“Can’t Stop The Feeling” by

Justin Timberlake You know what Mr. Timberlake, I do have a feeling inside my bones and it’s a deep-rooted hatred for this joyful pop hit from the movie Trolls.

There’s something so aggravating about the repetitive chord progression that makes me want to tell the preachers on the corner of YongeDundas Square that I am an atheist.

This track is what I imagine plays as background music when the kids

dom escapes us all. It’s a tragic end for our protagonist, who has no idea that in the fight for self-acceptance, he has reduced himself to his capacity to work. “Feel this Moment” by Pitbull featuring Christina Aguilera plays for the second time in the film, but rings eerily hollow.

Currently sitting at a six per cent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, The Emoji Movie was shockingly underappreciated in its time. Dismissing it simply as afternoon grub for the iPad generation does a disservice to the anti-capitalist, anti-work statement on display. Ironically, the film made US$217.8 million worldwide.

The box office returns are yet another layer on The Emoji Movie’s postmodern lasagna and a spit in the face of film critics too short-sighted to see beyond the animated surface.

“Who’s laughing now?” I imagine the movie’s producers saying to themselves. It won’t be the audience, because none of the film’s jokes land. But it will make you think. And after all, isn’t that what’s missing from cinema?

Your music library is incomplete if one of these songs isn’t there

who studied for over 500 hours finish the exam in 30 minutes, while I’m still trying to figure out where to write my name and student number.

PLEASE just let me stop this feeling, it’s just too happy.

an hour and attending half of the classes at best. It also fits the vibe of when you beat someone to the last study room at the Sheldon and Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre.

Evil but of the highest stature.

“In My Feelings” must have a secret special ingredient that Drake used to make this nostalgic banger that will surely get the whole club jumping and texting their ex-whatever, no matter the year.

“Feeling Good” by Michael Bublé When “Feeling Good” comes on, it makes you feel mischievous. It makes you successful. Like that moment when the evil character in a movie gets a big win. “Feeling Good” is the epitome of an underdog’s success song. Not necessarily for its lyrical content but because of the broadway-style instrumentation and general tonality (due to the original version actually being written for a musical). This is the song to listen to when you’re walking out of the Victoria Building after acing your midterm despite studying for

“In My Feelings” by Drake If I were to pick one song that could embody the youthful joy I was absorbed by in the summer of 2018, it would have to be “In My Feelings.” This song may have caused the United Arab Emirates to issue multiple fines and arrests for people jumping out of moving vehicles but if a song can’t make us participate in highway traffic violations, then what’s the point?! Though almost half of the Scorpion album brought me to tears, this song is the only one that doesn’t embody the vibes of being “in my feels” at all. Nonetheless,

“So Emotional” by Whitney Houston The type of 80s dance-rock that literally keeps me alive. Everytime I hear the familiar intro of finger snaps which transition into woodblock, drum beats and synth slide—outrageous. That’s all without mentioning vocal queen Whitney Houston’s angelic voice, which pleads to explain, “Ain’t it shocking what love can do.” This is the purest main character track if I’ve ever heard one. It’s perfect when strolling through campus while pigeon-watching.

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Quiz: Should you take a psych course?

The million dollar question every student has asked themselves desperately at least once

By Fatima Raza As the winter semester creeps around the corner, you may be shuffling through course calendars trying to find something that will boost your abysmal GPA. Take this highly accurate quiz to find out if taking a psychology course is the right move for you or not.

The campus’ famous pigeons are walking in front of you on the way to a lecture. You’re already running late and the pigeons are blatantly in your way. What do you do?

A. Shoo them away with your feet.

B. Accept your fate and be late for class.

C. Start barking and flap your arms to scare them away.

D. Walk on the road and cut in front of the pigeons.

Thanks to your wonky schedule, you have a four-hour gap between classes. How are you spending your time?

A. Bold of you to think I’ll be going to class.

B. Go to the Eaton Centre for a quick bite but walk out with three bags from a spontaneous shopping spree.

C. Sneak into a movie theatre using your OneCard and rest there until a movie starts.

D. Study at the Sheldon and Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre, sixth floor body chair just to be held.

You forgot to do an assignment that’s due today. What excuse are you giving the professor?

A. Say your file was corrupted and all your work disappeared.

B. Accept your fate and get the zero.

C. Wrap a Peppa Pig bandage around a fake wound covered in ketchup as you enter the class to gain

the professor’s sympathy.

D. Cry at the thought of human inD. Forgetting assignments is simteraction and check WebMD. ply not in your vocabulary. It’s completed and submitted the In what order do you eat your day it’s assigned. burgers and fries? There is only one right answer.

Let’s see how well high school has A. Fries, burger, fries, burger. prepared you. The mitochondria is B. Finish the fries, then eat the burger. the ___ of the cell.

C. You put your fries in your burger A. What is a mitochondria? When and call it a day. did we learn this?

D. Obviously, finish the burger then B. Membrane eat the fries.

C. Powerhouse D. Correction, there are multiple You forgot your classmate’s name, mitochondrions so HA! who you have been sitting next to the entire semester and taking Think fast! Which of the follow- homework answers from. Too ing says the numbers two, zero, embarrassed to ask them for their two and four? name, what do you do?

A. 2024 A. Ask them to spell their name and B. 2044 hope it’s not an obvious name C. 2044 like John, Bob or Rob. D. 0044 B. Ask them for their email address or Instagram username and How do you write your notes? hope it’s not zaynmaliksleftsA. You write them on the back of hoelace123. your hand and hope you don’t C. Just referring to them exclusively run out of skin before class ends. as “my guy’’ or “heyy” when startB. You’re an iPad kid. You will neving a conversation. er be caught writing notes with a D. Just ask them again and say you pen unless it costs over $100 and have short-term memory loss. is branded with an apple.

C. You listen and absorb the infor- Finally, let’s get down to colour mation and pray it sticks around theory. In school, what colour long enough for exams. was your science notebook?

D. You handwrite your notes, then A. Red, it’s the colour of blood. type them out before uploading B. Yellow, duh. Photosynthesis rethem to Quizlet for flashcards. quires the sun, which is yellow.

C. Green, of course. Plants, grass, You have to make a phone call trees, it’s all GREEN. to book a doctor’s appointment. D. Blue. The sky is blue, that’s What do you do? why. Science.

A. Make your mom call the doctor.

B. Write down your script and then Here are your results: give up after the fifth automated voice message.

Mostly As: C. Skip the appointment and pray Psychology isn’t for you but trust me, your crippling tummy pain is just PCS 181 “Introduction to Astronomy” the 10 iced coffees you’ve had in might just be the course for you. With the last two days. little room for error, you’d love to cal-

Horoscope: What are the signs afraid of?

PEYTON KEELER-COX, JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER

By Bashair Ali

Aries You wouldn’t dare come face-toWhether your fears keep you from face with any clown. The bigconsuming fast food or keep you gest offender from all the jesters? awake at night, all the zodiac signs Ronald McDonald. have something that shivers their timbers. As we get into the spooky Taurus season, here is what frightens you You’ve never been able to handle most based on your star sign. change well. Big change, small

PEYTON KEELER-COX, JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER

culate the orbit of asteroids. Amidst all the other things in your life that you cannot control, this class would be the perfect place for you to feel right and in the driver’s seat for once. Between the constant calculator clicking and the numbers on numbers being thrown at you about the size of Jupiter’s thirdlargest moon, you will forget all your worries.

Mostly Bs: You probably wouldn’t take psychology but hey, you already knew that.

You probably spend half your paycheck at a fancy cafe every week to be different from the Balzac’s, Tim Hortons and Starbucks students.

You want to be different, you’re not like other girls. That’s why, when everyone was taking this quiz to find out if psychology was for them, you just took the quiz for fun—you already know which bird course you’re taking. Between shuffling through Reddit posts from a decade ago to scrolling through bird course lists, you are convinced GEO 793 “The Geography of Toronto” is for you. Quit wasting your time on this quiz and go explore the city with your expensive coffee in hand or whatever.

Mostly Cs:

Take the psych course! You know it, I know it, your friends know it, the person you were blatantly staring at for 10 minutes straight knows it. My point is, everyone knows you can’t go a second without psychoanalyzing everyone you encounter. The girl sitting at the other end of the library cracking her knuckles? She was definitely the oldest child forced to parent her younger siblings. The person in the food court covering their mouth as they laugh?

Definitely grew up self-conscious and it’s obviously not something stuck in their teeth. Long story short, take the damn course and quit judging people for free—take some steps to at least get some money out of it.

Mostly Ds: Avoid the psych course at all costs. I repeat, AVOID the course. You are an old soul. You don’t like to believe in all this psychology stuff. You should stay as far away from any of the bird courses and instead put your big brain to use in perhaps an organic chemistry course.

You have no time to waste studying people, planets or cities. The sound of test tubes clinking or calculators clicking takes you to a mentally safe space where you are free from human interaction and other worldly desires.

See what gives you the heebie-jeebies

change, loose change and spare Virgo change—it’s just too much for you.

You are afraid of what’s about to warm up your mouth-watering $2 Gemini meal—the microwave. You despise You are known for your extrovert- its loud and obnoxious humming. ed personality or rather, personalities. Both are afraid of the dark.

Libra Think twice before you ask a Libra Cancer to make any decision because they Irregular patterns, bumps and odd are absolutely terrified of commitshapes scare you to the bone. Bubble ting to a choice. wrap hurts you in ways you didn’t know were possible.

Scorpio You’ve witnessed a horrifying comLeo pilation of Dr. Pimple Popper’s best Remember that scene in Twilight pops and they make you queasy. when Bella proclaimed her dislike for “any cold, wet thing”? That perfectly Sagittarius sums up everything a Leo could pos- You have a fear of missing out, forsibly fear. mally known as FOMO. It makes

sense because you are the life of the party and if there is no party, you have no life.

Capricorn You have a very particular fear—ladders. Climbing your counter is a better solution than climbing ladders.

Aquarius You view squirrels as the tyrants of the animal kingdom and you’re terrified that their small beady eyes hold a deeper malicious threat.

Pisces When you hear a person’s knuckle, knee or elbow do that snap, crackle and pop, you have to resist the urge to stuff your ears full with cotton balls.

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Is the internet taking away my feelings?

I’m worried I can’t express myself without relying on memes and emojis

By Anastasia Blosser Every Sunday morning I receive the little grey and purple notification that ruins my day. If I feel the little vibration just after 9 a.m., I know that Apple’s algorithm is once again judging me for the dozens of hours I’ve spent scrolling at the crack of dawn. Every week I am reminded that my screen time has somehow gone up a shocking 83 per cent and still I cannot turn away from the endless supply of content.

I would argue that my phone’s intrusive screen time statistics are skewed but I’m starting to see the side effects of my so-called “internet dependency.” Is it possible I spend too much time online?

I’ve been having trouble expressing myself without niche media references or song lyrics. Everyone keeps

telling me I seem well-adjusted but can’t they tell I’m in my ‘Amy DunneMidsommar-Fiona Apple-Ottessa Moshfegh-Fleabag’ era? In other words, my mental state is like a mix between “This Is Me Trying” by Taylor Swift and “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls—but in a totally underground and ironically hipster kind of way.

My lack of emotional depth became concerning after my lab partner told me she was going through too much to attend class this week and I said “Oof, it be like that sometimes.” Panicked, I texted the group chat to ask if anyone else was having a hard time communicating without using slang or outdated Vine references. The first response was a threesecond clip from Kim Kardashian’s Saturday Night Live skit where she says, “Ew this is so cringe, guilty,” mocking my awkward interaction.

A second friend was outraged that I was so misinformed about interacting with others and sent me an Instagram infographic explaining the social nuances behind our conversation.

After reading the post titled, “Popular phrases that dismiss lived experiences and why they’re problematic,” I felt much more educated and reposted the Canva infographic, checking who viewed it every half hour. I want to make sure everyone knows I’m doing some self-reflection.

My next instinct was to check TikTok. I went through two hours of content and was shown three videos from the app asking me to take a break before I realized I forgot to search for online-induced apathy. Fortunately, my “For You” page is so well curated that I actually came across a handful of related videos. I love it when the algorithm anticipates my needs before I

VANESSA KAUK/THE EYEOPENER

do. Tragically, all of the TikToks surpassed my 15-second attention span so I didn’t watch any of them.

The scrolling session reminded me of any question I’ll ever ask has probably already been asked by a Redditor. After looking through a few threads, it was pretty clear I wouldn’t be able to focus on another “Ask Me

Anything” without something playing in the background. I installed a text-to-speech program and watched Minecraft parkour while listening to strangers weigh in on each other’s problems. Still, I felt nothing.

Read more at theemotionalissue.theeyeopener.com.

Word Search: All the feelings you can’t describe Words by Alisha Shaikh Visuals by Vanessa Kauk and Jes Mason Do you ever get frustrated when you can’t describe the feeling of that strange wonderment you get when staring at the stars or when you wake up from an amazing dream only to realize that it’s just that—a dream?

With more than 34,000 emotions known to mankind, it may become hard to distinguish one feeling from another. If you need that perfect word to describe how you feel, then here are a few to help.

Some of these feelings originate from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by book in 2021. Koenig, a writer and creative, initially started the dictionary as a blog in 2009, which he later launched on his YouTube channel—of the same name—as a narrated series. The dictionary is composed of emotions and feelings that people may experience but

Nikhedonia

Compathy

Morii

Ellipsism

Anemoia

Zeal

Euphoric

Callosity

Liberosis

Lachesism

Compunctious

Exulansis

Eramnesia

Sundreesoro

Storge

Livilence

Novalunosis

Anecdoche

Pâro

Alexithymia

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