you feel ridiculous now B3
Poilievre falls into well, party doesn't notice for 10 days
"It
rubs the lotion on its skin," said the Conservative
BY AYE ONE STAFF REPORTER
Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre went missing for the past 10 days to the surprise of literally no one in his party or Parliament.
Paramedics located the politician at the bottom of a deep well.
Poilievre told reporters he fell down while looking for “rich Alberta oil” to guzzle up into his belly. First responders had been called to his paper maché home in Battle River–Crowfoot after neighbours alerted them to the sound of crunching apples coming from his property.
“I’m disappointed that none of my peers across the aisle want to come meet the residents of this blue collar riding,” he said. “If they had, maybe someone would have found me sooner.”
Poilievre’s gimp-suited ball-gagged bitch boy, Member of Parliament (MP) Jamil Jivani, said he felt lost and scared when he noticed Poilievre missing from his office. “I asked the lady at the front desk to find him and they called over the P.A. system for him and he didn’t come back for me and I was crying.”
Former Conservative Leader, MP Andrew Scheer, whined to reporters this evening. “This is off the record, but I gave that emergency crew a hundred bucks to leave him down there.”
"If he stayed in the well longer I'd have had more time to smear my Andrew Scheer scent all over things again," he added.
Representatives in the House of Commons seemed to not notice the lack of stale humour and nasally highbrow cackling.
Prime Minister Mark Carney said he appreciated the change of atmosphere in Ottawa. “Without P.P.— that’s what I call him, because we’re
leader to reporters on Tuesday
cool like that—without P.P. riling up his posse of Ozian flying monkeys I was able to finally hear Elizabeth May at the back of the room.”
The Dilly Dally reached out to Elizabeth May but she declined to comment because she was drunk off her ass.
New Democratic Party leader Avi Lewis, who was elected by his party on Sunday, had this to say: "I'm brand new here!"
I asked the lady at the front desk to find him and they called over the P.A. system for him and he didn’t come back for me and I was crying
CONSERVATIVE MP JAMIL JIVANI
The return of the honourable member of Parliament will be honoured during the hour of honouring honourable honours, which is also just Wednesday, April 1, at 5 p.m.
The Dilly Dally reached out to The Well for comment, who said, “We have nothing to do with this. We are a shopping complex on Front Street in Toronto.”
Mother vows never to wash baby again
BY REALLY COLD OTTAWA BUREAU
Prime Minister Mark Carney’s visit to a Saskatchewan grain silo complex took an unexpected turn when Canada’s head honcho hocked a fat loogie on an onlooker’s baby.
“I saw it happen,” said Isaac Fitzherbert who attended the event. “Marky Mark honed in on that baby like a heat-seeking missile. He leaned over the soft spot of its head and then started making that noise like when a cat yarfs up a hairball.”
While this act would have ruined the career of lesser politicians when the Dilly Dally reached out to the mother of the baby for comment, she denied any wrongdoing on the prime minister’s part.
“It was the happiest day of my life,” said Fanny Grill, mother of the spat-upon baby. “Getting my PhD from McGill, marrying my gorgeous, sexy husband and having my precious children had absolutely nothing on Mark Carney spitting in close proximity to me.”
When pressed about how “close proximity” was in fact her child’s head, Grill responded.
“Kids ruin everything, don’t they?” she said.
Clips of the event promptly went viral with many Carney fans expressing their jealousy over the baby by posting GIFs of Peter Griffin begging like a dog.
Desperate to reclaim some of the thunder he’d lost after getting stuck in a well for 10 days, Pierre Poilievre spat on a set of triplets at a supporter's gala in New Brunswick last night. The mother of the children swiftly pressed charges. Poilievre is no longer welcome at the Days Inn reception centre in Moncton, N.B.
Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre begs our photographer to pull him from the well
CULTURE B4
Toronto Mayor to reach landmark agreement with King of the Rats
Something cheesy this way comes
BY PIP SQUEAK CITY HALL BUREAU
The City of Toronto announced Friday that Mayor Olivia Chow has been welcomed into the court of His Whiskerfulness, the Rat King. This marks the first time in decades that a municipal politician have received a summons from the King.
The last mayor to kiss the surprisingly dexterous pink toes of the Rat King was John Sewell in 1979, who was a great friend to the rat community (maybe because his last name sounded like sewer and rats like that).
According to Chow, City Hall has been trying to secure a meeting with the Rat King ever since Mel Lastman struck and killed the beloved son and 1,864th heir to the throne, Ratberson Beadyblunder, with a Swiffer Wet Jet.
Human-rat relations in To-
ronto were not aided by former mayor Rob Ford’s tenureship as he ended the city’s garbage collection strike, also known as the Great Glutinous Abundance of ‘09 in the Rat Kingdom.
“Squeak! Squeak! Rob Ford says stop the gravy train but we say keep it chugging,” proclaimed the Rat King in his 2009 address of his court. “More rotten, stinking, congealed gravy please! Squeak! Squeak!”
Office expense reports obtained by the Dilly Dally reveal that Chow’s office may have engaged in some under-the-table dealings in order to secure the meeting. Receipts scoured from office waste baskets detail thousands of dollars being spent on elaborate cheese platters.
“The Balkan donkey milk cheese alone would run you $200 a gram,” said cheesemonger, Fédéric deLioncourt-de-Point-du-Lac-Wal-
ters. “And that’s not including the Sardinian casu marzu that had to be flown over from Italy or the giant wheel of parm that had to be flown in from Eataly."
Clearly, these tactics were effective as Chow rolled out a hefty agenda for her meeting with the Rat King. Chow says that she intends to discuss issues surrounding Toronto’s waste collection, transit and the Weapons-style disappearance of small dogs and lawn furniture.
“Hello, Toronto!” Chow said in her Friday press conference. “I will be journeying to the beautiful subterranean paradise of the Rat King and I will get your dogs back! Bella will be quivering on grandma’s couch soon enough.”
The High Admirals of the Rat Kingdom responded to Chow on behalf of the Rat King in a video posted to Instagram Squ-eels.
“Squeak! Squeak! We are most
Pip Squeak
Eve Aisle
Andy Merica
D.L.
Rachel Profiling
Hau Singh
Roland Mark
The Big Lebowski
Buck Wylde
Layla Tex
Hoity Toity
Robert Regert
delighted to welcome Mayor Chow to our shimmering nest,” they said in unison. “Our beloved King’s whiskers are twitching in delight, but make no mistake: there are more of us than there are of you. We will never concede our way of life. Squeak! Squeak!”
This warning was ominously similar to the one issued to former New York City Mayor Eric Adams after he declared his war on rats in 2022. Adams left his office in disgrace amid several public scandals.
Public health officials have also warned Chow that venturing into the Rat Kingdom could resurrect a strain of plague but she remains unfazed.
“They stole my garden furniture,” said Chow in defiance. “If they refuse to come to a compromise I’ll call up Danielle Smith and she can have their way with them ha ha ha.”
Devil, Lord Voldemort to join Trump's Board of Peace
New appointments will bring, "more peace than these people can handle"
BY EVE AISLE U.S. CORRESPONDENT
Several new members are set to join U.S. President Donald Trump’s controversial Board of Peace this Monday.
The organization, which has been likened to an American alternative to the United Nations— which Trump has heavily criticized during his leadership—will soon have two more faces.
Trump announced that dark wizard Lord Voldemort and biblical antagonist Satan will be sworn in as the board’s eleventh and twelfth members, following the appointment of Disney villain Cruella de Vil and real-life villain Tony Blair in January.
“I could not be more excited to bring my particular brand of evil to the board,” said Voldemort to reporters at the White House on Monday. “All of Mr. Trump’s big plans are going to be much easier with Death Eaters involved—that much I can tell you.”
Satan echoed Voldemort’s comments. “The president told us to picture it like the Avengers for old men with grudges. I’m, like, the second-oldest guy, so it seemed like a match made in hell,” said Satan.
Trump expressed excitement for what the board could undertake with the new members. “With these wonderful new members, we’re going to bring more peace than the world can handle. The best peace. The most American peace. People will be asking, 'how can you bring so much peace?' We'll say, 'these people are going to be drowning in peace. We'll be dropping peace from airplanes,'" said the president.
After hearing about Voldemort’s appointment, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling offered her own name as a prospective new member. However, Trump declined her offer, claiming she'd "take it too far."
Trump arrests your dad, liberates living room recliner
BY ANDY MERICA U.S. CORRESPONDENT
In the early afternoon yesterday, the U.S. Armed Forces conducted a daring raid on your house, capturing your father and really freaking out your dog.
In what is being described as a ‘Special Domestic Parental Securement,’ U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be running your house for the foreseeable future.
“Your house was a mess. Really just a mess. We got our guys in, the best guys. And gals, but mostly great guys, and now things are going to be better. A lot better.
Some of the neighbours have said ‘wow… that house is so much nicer.’ It’s the nicest house on the block now, they’re saying,” said Trump at a press conference from your porch.
This is just the latest in a series of controversial unilateral actions by the U.S. government across the globe.
President Trump said that one
of the chief goals of capturing your dad was to liberate the recliner with a good view of the TV, and to secure his strategic supply of Molson Canadian and pork rinds.
Many of your neighbours have spoken out after your dad’s capture.
“I heard you complaining about him getting you to do the dishes all the time. Your dad sounded like a real pain, so you really should be grateful,” said Levi Rathburn, who lives just down the block from you.
“I don’t know what international law says, but I think it’s for the best. I heard your dad was hoggin' the TV, and the U.S. couldn’t just sit by anymore,” said your nextdoor neighbour.
Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth has assured residents of your neighbourhood that this was a targeted action and that they are in no danger.
“This is what happens when you don’t play by the rules,” said Hegseth.
Hegseth was also later seen taking his socks and shoes off and
Your house was a mess. Really just a mess. We got our guys in, the best guys. And gals, but mostly great guys, and now things are going to be better. A lot better. Some of the neighbours have said ‘wow… that house is so much nicer.’ It’s the nicest house on the block now, they’re saying
U.S. PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
putting his feet up on the ottoman in your living room.
Despite these assurances, some people have been concerned that the U.S. will target them next.
“My mom has been lowballing Kash Patel on Facebook Marketplace for a signed Matthew Tkachuk jersey. Is she next?” said your childhood friend who you haven’t talked to in a while.
The United Nations (UN) has come out against the action but has come short of condemning it.
“We’re closely monitoring the situation regarding your dad.
Trump has set a troubling precedent by taking him without international consultation or notifying
Fear not: Trade deal with Antarctica to save industry from American threat
The deal would introduce free trade between Canada and the uninhabited frigid territory
BY D.L. TRADE REPORTER
Amid rising fears of economic turmoil brought on by U.S. President Donald Trump’s steep tariffs on Canadian products, Prime Minister Mark Carney is committing to new trade negotiations with key countries, including a “monumental” deal with Antarctica.
If ratified, the deal would bring free trade between the two countries, unlocking new economic opportunities for hard-hit Canadian industries.
“America can go suck an icicle because once we’ve got this deal in the bag our GDP (gross domestic product) will be so high we’ll be DTT (down to trade) with ASAP (Antarctica soon as possible),” said Carney.
The prime minister met with Antarctic President Skipper and Finance Secretary Kowalski on Friday to discuss what free trade between the nations would look like.
“We had some very productive
discussions on the fish front,” said Skipper, who is a penguin. “However our talks on big blocks of ice that get much smaller when they arrive at their destination were more tense.”
The Dilly Dally reached out to union leaders from Canadian industries most affected by U.S. tariffs, including United Steelworkers (USW) President Steel Magnolia.
“There are no buildings in Antarctica right now. None. That means there must be a huge demand for buildings, right? It’s literally an untapped market, all our members are very excited,” said Magnolia.
A representative from Unifor, which represents Canadian auto workers, said if a deal is reached, it will be a huge win for the automotive industry.
“Nobody has a car in Antarctica right now. Nobody. That means everyone is in the market for one, right? It’s literally an untapped market. All our members are very excited,” he said.
Antarctica residents are seem-
ingly also excited about the prospect of a trade deal with Canada.
A local elephant seal told the Dilly Dally , “ARF ARF ARF ARF,” while clapping his flippers violently.
Canada’s trade envoy also commented on the talks but our reporter could not understand them through their big scarf. It’s very cold down there.
Carney is expected to enter
negotiations with other previously-ignored nations, including Genovia from The Princess Diaries and Wakanda.
When representatives from the World Trade Organization asked Carney how he expected Canada to trade with an uninhabited territory, he shot lasers out of his eyes, eviscerating them.
The talks are expected to continue in the following weeks.
your home owners association,” said a spokesperson for the UN.
Prime Minister Mark Carney has also weighed in on the situation.
“The Canadian government stands for freedom, rule of law and justice. Your dad has long oppressed your neighbours with early morning lawn mowing and we stand in solidarity with them,” said Carney.
There has been no word yet on plans for a trial for your dad. He’s currently facing a litany of charges, including: sneeze-related terrorism, James Patterson book trafficking, possession of socks and sandals and aggravated littleleague commentary.
"No corruption in Toronto Police," says Chief while glancing at offscreen gunman
BY RACHEL PROFILING CRIME REPORTER
Toronto Police Service (TPS) chief Myron Demkiw addressed allegations Thursday that TPS officers leaked confidential information to criminal networks, including the towing industry, which has been plagued by turf wars in recent years.
During the conference, Demkiw made repeated darting glances at a man in a "24/7 towing" vest, just off screen.
"There is no truth to these allegations," said the chief while beads of sweat dripped from his big bald head. "We are not in kahoots with any criminals," he added while winking.
York Regional Police (YRP) has been tasked with investigating the allegations. In January, they charged nine TPS officers with a litany of crimes, including conspiracy to commit murder.
YRP chief Jim MacSween declined to speak with the Dilly Dally, claiming his car was being towed.
The administration says the next stop is the garage, where U.S. forces will attempt to seize the family Honda
This $8.6 million condo will make you throw up in your mouth
Yes, it's in Yorkville!
BY HAU SINGH HOUSING REPORTER
Some would say home is where the heart is, but this lavish condo in Yorkville proves home is where all of your gaudy art is.
Developed over top of a historical Underground Railroad safehouse, the 30-storey tower is fit with three cascading infinity pools. Harriet Tubman slept here and now you can too!
Listing agent Brad Paddington said they’ve spent months working on their $8.6 million evaluation. “Ya so basically, we realized that we can put any number on there and someone will buy it, like believe it or not, there is ALWAYS someone rich and horrible enough,” he said.
Starting in the front foyer, guests are met with two walkin coat closets, a guest bathroom and exposed geode floor tiling. “It looks gorgeous, you just gotta take large, quick leaps to keep your soles intact,” Paddington said.
The kitchen comes impressively equipped with one of those microwaves that retracts from the wall when you press a button. And say goodbye to that nasty garbage bin—the cartoonishly-large centre island is fit with three circular garbage holes like a Wendy’s soft drink counter.
“Yorkville is a really prime location in today’s market,” Paddington said. “Amazon ships in one day and the Lululemon perfectly blocks the view of Alexandra Park.
Moving on, the spiraling staircase is built entirely of
plexiglass, encasing 13,000 live Mexican executioner wasps.
The architect, Frank Lloyd Tight, said it's a commentary on our slow assent to death. We want that in our homes, that’s the goal now.
“It’s one indubitably hunky-dory shanty, moreover one shall procure it on the grounds that I contrived it,” Tight said.
The living room comes furnished with an L-shaped plush couch stuffed to the brim with the feathers of whatever Robert Irwin’s favourite bird is—that Australian fuck.
Is that not enough for you piggy? You want more? Well every
Cockroaches priced out of Toronto housing market
"We're gonna be out on our thoraxxes"
BY ANA LISS HOUSING ANALYST
A new report from the City of Toronto suggests yet another demographic is being pushed out of the city’s rental market by soaring prices: cockroaches.
Rowley R. Roach, a Leslievillebased cockroach, says the main problem he and other roaches alike are dealing with is the lack of food and resources to “roach off of” once the humans inhabiting their apartments leave due to the rising cost of living.
“These places are getting so damn expensive that these humans
aren’t around anymore to leave us their crumbs, cheese, grease and glue which is what us roaches eat,” said Roach.
With this troubling dilemma, Roach says he and his family of 92 plan on moving somewhere that better fits with their roachly needs. “If we don’t find someplace soon we’re gonna be out on our thoraxxes, forced to slurp on skin like those disgusting leeches or suck on blood like those damn mosquitoes,” Roach said. “We’ll probably meet up with a big colony of roaches, I heard there’s a huge settlement all around the Toronto Metropolitan University campus.”
doorknob’s just a big polished diamond plug that you can go fuck yourself on.
Yeah buddy, yeah and guess what? There’s a big slingshot off the wrap-around balcony so you can slingshot your shit at those smelly poor below. You like that?
You know what, fuck you. I’m writing this crappy fluff piece from my sub-basement studio apartment in Cabbagetown. Oh! Oh no! It’s OPEN CONCEPT. Yeah, yeah and maybe the douché valve from last year's twink that lived here is just a “modern bidét.”
Mexican wasps? Try hissing cockroaches, no plexiglass. They tuck me in at night before I dream of fucking your mother.
Can we talk about that architect? What the fuck was that quote? He wobbled back and forth when he walked like he had a valium suppository shoved up his ass. Also he has a string bean combover, it looks like whatever you’re picturing.
Anyway the stupid apartment is on Zillow or some shit. Go swipe through photos and make sure to aim for Paddington's profile picture when you do your cum tribute.
Historic
building hasn't been torn down, yet
One of these days it'll be a KFC or a Value Village
BY ROLAND MARK LANDMARK REPORTER
When thinking of Toronto landmarks there are many buildings that come to mind. The CN Tower, the Rogers Centre, the McDonalds at Queen & Spadina. However all pale in comparison to the beloved Gooderham Building.
If you're not familiar with it, the Gooderham Building is the big triangle one which looks like pizza and everyone posts on their Instagram story in Grade 8. Built in 1892 and seeing as the building is loved by many and revered as a beautiful addition to the downtown Toronto core, it only makes sense that it will eventually be demolished and replaced by a rectangular apartment building with a Tokyo Smoke in the bottom.
Head of demolition at the City of Toronto’s Sacred Landmark Demolishment & Renovation branch Rich Digger, said while he believes some buildings must be preserved, he really loves pressing the big red button that blows them up.
“We’re planning on tearing down the Gooderham Building and constructing a 32-storey Rexall/Taco Bell but we are waiting until it reaches its utmost popularity and fame to do so,” said Digger. “When we demolished Honest Ed's I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face, I love destruction.”
While no plans have been officially set to demolish the Gooderham Building as of yet, Digger believes the city will soon begin what he calls “the cleanse.”
“Once the entire city is weed shops, identical apartment buildings, pharmacies and 7/11’s I will finally rest and watch the sun rise on a grateful city,” said Digger.
AI isn't bad—it's good, here's why B2
Balloon prices inflate
"They started way down low and then rose high up into the sky," says top expert B2
BUSINESS & NUMBERS
I need to grow a penis to be a business journalist
BY A... WOMAN? BUSINESS REPORTER
I am tired of being underestimated as a reporter. And more so, I'm tired of being broke—eating macaroni and cheese without truffle oil, not having a Bluetooth ear-piece and not eating açaí bowls.
I’ve decided to set out on a quest to be a real business journalist. Business is fun, it's cool, it's numbers and it's money.
My first stop was Chad Hard, the CEO of a totally legal prediction market. “You gotta stay hard to be hard, invest in yourself, invest in Viagra,” he told me.
Hard let me into his business secrets. In his time at Brock University, he had exhausted all his avenues—lying about his roster, vaping, snorting cocaine and collecting Patagonia vests.
I realized how behind I was. I didn't have contact with white men named Henry, John, Bryson or Mitchell. I didn't have any Patagonia vests nor did I have a trust fund.
“Who cares about this resume shit—you need to ask your father for cash and invest that into hard shit, you know what I mean,” he said.
I realized then and there, all my certifications and courses meant nothing. Hard drew me to the light like Jesus but less brown and with more Dior Sauvage.
My years of following the upward line and the downward line were utterly useless if I didn't possess a penis…
Business analyst Brad Giuliani refused to speak to me at first. He said having pronouns in my email signature was “too gay a move.” Eventually, he agreed to 30 minutes with me but shortened it to 15 after finding out I was taller than him. “You don't play golf, you don’t play fantasy football. What the fuck kind of business journalist are you,” he told me.
Giuliani had a point. How was I supposed to interview finance bros if I wasn't allowed access to their turf? After explaining to me how one plus one is actually 11, Giuliani stepped aside for his daily wife-cheating break.
Mark Carney is Chinamaxxing
He’s doing it for the Xiao Long Bao, I just can’t prove it
BY CENTRE RIGHT OTTAWA BUREAU
Over the past few weeks, Prime Minister Mark Carney has been spotted slurping down brothy rice, chainsmoking ChungHwa 中华s and whispering into Duolingo during cabinet meetings. Experts from the Centre for Being Chinese (CBC) think the Liberal Party leader might be Chinamaxxing.
The CBC defines Chinamaxxing as, “getting so woke on that wok that you can't help but buy an electric vehicle.” On their website, they detail some famous examples of Chinamaxxing, like John Cena, Chet Hanks and Ariana Grande at one point probably.
Carney’s foreign policy towards China has come under fire after his March 30 announcement of the Canada-Ontario trade deal to increase housing perspectives. “We’re importing thousands of tons of bamboo, it’s cheap as fuck and all our new homes will look like the Shaolin Temple,” the press release reads.
General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party, Xi Jinping, said he’s “totally obsessed” with Canada while he sucked on one of those snow maple syrup lollipops.
“Sometimes I put a bit of this stuff in a rubber ball and let Mark roll around the yard with it,” he added.
The Dilly Dally spoke with Bay Street banker Aaron Smith and his girlfriend Vivian Wong. We found them doing that Lady and the Tramp thing with a Shanghai noodle.
“What a country. Carney’s a man after my own heart. My very Chinese heart, that is. You know, I’ve been eating a lot of Chinese food recentl— I mean food. It’s just food to me,” Smith said.
Wong rolled her eyes and added, “I’m a believer in globalization leading towards world peace. However, continuing with this deal after the threat from the U.S., needs to be thought through carefully while thinking about who can replace them as an importer.”
“She doesn’t know English very well,” explained Smith.
In addition to trade agreements,
Carney’s conversations have been criticized for ignoring the current genocide in Xinjiang and senseless jailings of the Uyghur Muslims. There are over half a million Uyghurs imprisoned in government reeducation camps, and Carney’s visit has been called out for ignorance towards this issue.
His office, following a visit to Xi Jinping, released a statement saying, “While in Beijing, Canada’s position on areas of concern, including human rights, were raised proactively at multiple levels, including by the prime minister with his counterparts.”
Some of Carney’s newer policies include now importing all cigarettes from your friend’s Chinese uncle, mandating that every person learns Mandarin (NOT Cantonese, none at all), conscription to the Broadview Chinatown’s busiest bakery and a new school uniform—mandatory for all districts—consisting of Essentials/ Off-White sweatpants, Meta AI Glasses and that one Adidas jumper with Chinese knot buttons.
Finally, we met up with John Philip Carlos Hernandez DelaCruz, who was found playing drop-in basketball.
“Oh, yeah dude. We all love Carney,” said Hernandez Dela-Cruz, who has actually been Chinese all his life. “My Lola is a die hard Liberal, so much so that she still has a PierreElliot Trudeau sign in her yard.”
He paused, “What was the question again?”
Minister of Foreign Affairs
Anita Anand said she’s hopeful that Canadians will love their new Chinese lives. “You know, Bing Chilling and shit right? Amirite?” she said.
The Dilly Dally will be closely following Anand's recent trade partnership with Temu, promising thin nylon shirts with AI galaxy wolves on them for every Canadian.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. When the old man from the frontier lost his horse, how could he have known it would be a blessing in disguise,” Smith said before bowing.
Amazon to acquire Walmart, you
Retail giant still considering your fate
BY THE BIG LEBOWSKI BUSINESS REPORTER
In a shocking merger still being assessed by the U.S. Bureau of Competition, online shopping giant Amazon has bought majority shares of Walmart. Once merged, the new company will comprise the largest corporation on Earth and the largest company to ever exist.
In addition to the amalgamation, Amazon also made a smaller announcement—that they’ll be acquiring you, the reader of this story.
“You’re mine now!” said Amazon president Andy R. Jassy from a press conference in his den. “We’re not sure what we’ll do with you yet, but you might be working in the Walmazon fulfillment centre or driving an Amamart delivery van.”
“The future is beautiful, isn’t it?” he added.
A spokesperson for Amazon said, if approved, the merger will see the acquisition of your personal property, identity and internet search history.
"Now that we're two companies, there's going to be twice as much work, so that means half
the breaks," he said. "You do the math, it checks out."
Michael Fern, a financial analyst at J.P. Morgan Chase said the merger is sure to, “shake things up,” for people who live on Earth, which he says is a lot of us.
“By ‘shake things up,’ I mean that all work will be done by robots and drones but everyone will
still be poor,” he said. “It’s all very new and exciting.”
In regard to the acquisition of you, he said he’s unsure what this will mean. “You don’t seem like you’d be much use to the company so maybe it’ll be alright for you,” said Fern. "Maybe you'll be a human-Roomba. A Hoomba. Write that down, that's gold," he said to someone out of frame, possibly a robot.
Amamart aerial delivery drone 56565334BRTAMA said he is comfortable with the merger and
excited to work with you. “This is amicable,” said the drone.
In a press conference following the announcement, Walmart CEO John Furner said he was alarmed by the sudden acquisition but is currently preoccupied with “figuring out how to bring my money and worldly possessions into the afterlife.”
Our reporters reached out to you following the publication of this article, who has yet to respond due to the fact that we wrote this in the past.
Balloon prices inflate, rise to new heights
"They're way up there now," says top analyst
BY LAYLA TEX LATEX EXPERT
Following a recent rise in the cost of latex production, the price of balloons has inflated to new heights, soaring higher each day.
Polly Ethylene, manufacturing supervisor at the Balloon Assembly & Latex Leisure Objects Operation Network (BALLOON) office, said the industry is trying to stay buoyant but must deal with the many factors that will inevitably determine whether or not their metaphorical “bubble” will “burst.”
“There are millions of people keeping our industry afloat that are counting on us for these balloons. Birthday clowns, young children, pedophiles, party planners, Macy’s executives, balloon animal makers, that one guy from My Strange
Cadillac Fairview CEO caught in afterhours naked tomfoolery scandal
"If you work hard, you've gotta play harder," said the executive
BY BUCK WYLDE RETAIL REPORTER
Cadillac Fairview's (CF) stock has plummeted 64 percentage points in the last 24 hours, causing a mass loss of investor confidence in the company.
As the biggest drop in shareholder value in CF history, this has led to a full exective restructing within the organization.
The primary result of the comapny's rapid downfall lies in recent news reports, where Salvatore Iacono, the CEO of the company, was caught running around the CF Toronto Eaton Centre fully naked.
Explicit images of Iacono have gone viral overnight, showing the 67-year-old man gallavanting bare-assed through the mall's corridors and piloting a mobility scooter.
An emergency press conference was called this morning, where Iacono justified his actions.
"In order to work hard, you've gotta play harder," said Iacono. At this time, Iacono has resigned from his position and a new CEO will be announced by the end of the week after a unanimous vote from the company's board of directors.
Addiction that is sexually attracted to balloons, hot air enthusiasts, people at rallies in charge of dropping things, you name it!” said Ethylene.
Local senior Carl Fredricksen said he’s “ready to blow up” about the new prices on balloons.
“I need hundreds more balloons for a very important project I’m working on and I can’t afford 'em,” he said while attaching hundreds of balloons to the top of his suburban home.
While balloons aren’t the only thing affected by the latex dilemma, Ethylene understands the balloons are the primary concern for the BALLOON.
“The price of condoms has also gone up but nobody in the latex industry is having safe sex so it's not really a priority for us,” said Ethylene.
Bordan Jelfort, a senior analyst at CIBC said he "would reccomend all investors drop Cadillac Fairview from their portfolios as the future looks extremely uncertain for their share value."
"With investors already having to navigate such a rocky economy, the drop in CF shares are a cherry on top for this unprecedented year," said Jelfort.
In a last-ditch effort for damage control, the Eaton Centre's facilities department told the Dilly Dally they have decided to burn the scooter Iacono drove. Emphasizing that cleaning the scooter would have been "insufficient in ensuring shoppers' health and wellbeing."
According to the Eaton Centre, it's unclear how many scooters have been contaminated at this time. But the department has assured the Dilly Dally an internal investigation is being undertaken.
Mr. Bezos coming to collect the souls of those who are damned to him
Drake is two people??
Crap
at Mirvish
You have to see this play about how Timbits saved the day in Newfoundland on 9/11 B4
HIGH BROW SLOP
Oscar wins
Hear from three winners on what it's like to nab an Academy Award B4
Show you like actually blows
Yes, it's because you don't have as much money as I do
BY ROBERT REGERT READS ENTIRE BOOKS
HBO’s hot new medical drama
The Pitt has got the binge-watching sheeple all stirred up but in my very important and very authoritative opinion, it’s just not worth the hype. Here, I’ll tell you mindless Netflix-watching, Uber Eats-munching zombies why I think this thing which is the truth.
Reason number one: It’s too woke My god. The left have gone too far with this one. The Pitt is just E.R. with some of the same cast but older and woker. Absolutely ridiculous. There are way too many male nurses in this show. So far I have counted three. That's three too many. They must be gay. That's the only explanation.
Let's talk about the show's depiction of ICE. First of all, ICE would never harm a nurse unless
the nurse was in fear for their safety. Second of all, the fact that the ICE agents bring that woman to the ER is just brushed upon. They didn't have to do that but they chose to. Another instance of the left overlooking everything good the Trump administration does.
And then Dr. Robby gives one of the two agents a long monologue on why they shouldn't be there and how they're getting in the way when all the agent was doing was talking to a nurse. He didn't know they were understaffed. And the thing about nurses and patients leaving the hospital because of ICE's presence; if they didn't have anything to hide they wouldn't be scared.
Reason number two: I don’t like doctors
I’m an older guy, so I’ve taken a lot of trips to the doctor as of late and I personally can’t stand it. So when I watch this program which
takes place entirely in an emergency department, it makes me think about my enlarged prostate and colon polyps. Anything which reminds me of my own mortality shouldn’t be on television. Whittaker also makes me feel gay but I don’t have the word count to unpack that here.
Reason number three: I couldn’t get through the first episode (I have a very busy life)
How am I meant to enjoy a show if I haven’t even seen it? I've been stuck on episode one for five days straight. Every time I click play I become overcome with the biological urge to close my peepers for just a quick second. By the time I open my eyes the damn show is already over and makes NO SENSE!
Reason number four: Not every episode is an hour long even though every episode
is supposed to be an hour of their shift.
Not that I (or anyone for that matter) would want more of this show, I must point out the fact HBO markets this show as every episode being an hour of the crew's shift, despite every episode not being exactly an hour long is just plain absurd. Another obvious example of Hollywood lying to us—hardly the first time.
Reason number five: Me hating this is better for SEO
If you’re reading this in the paper, you probably don’t know this but we also publish these things online behind a $40/year paywall. So basically, the angrier I get, the better these reviews do on the web. We got no traction at all when I gave the Frasier reboot five stars—which it more than deserved—so if you don’t want your show panned, don’t send your press release to our editor.
I saw a play so now you have to hear about it
And I didn't
even fall
asleep or anything
JOSHUA CHUNG AT A GALLERY OPENING
I was forever changed by the highly coveted stage production FRUMP
From the great minds of KALUMP and MATTY B. AND THE SCHMUMPS, Toronto's Factory Theatre's latest masterclass in one man wearing overalls talking to an empty room emerged from the womb this weekend.
This soon-to-be timeless modern classic tells the story of a beet farmer who dreams of becoming a beet-boxer in the Big Apple.
Beet farmer Barry Beatoff hikes up his bootstraps and leaves the farm to pursue a life of underground rap, only to discover that perhaps the true dream was the friends he made along the way.
Playing Beatoff is Paul Gross, fresh off his new hit Crave series, Gross Domestic Product and raring for a return to the stage.
I was especially moved by Sutton Foster's performance as Mrs. Betty Beatoff. When Barry's prediabetic mother/manager eats a chocolate bar and freakin' dies, I shed a tear.
As every seasoned critic knows, anything above the two hour mark is automatically guaranteed to be a showstopper. With a runtime of four hours and 55 minutes, FRUMP is jampacked with musical numbers determined to keep you rooted in your seat. Instead of a date, I recommend bringing along an empty carton of milk to ensure urine no need for a bathroom break.
Some of my favourite musical numbers are as follows; "Barry got Back," "Beet the Meat," "Pa thinks I can't—but I'll show him dagnabit" and, of course, "I ain't no vegetable." If you see just one show this year, see FRUMP. ★ ★ ★
Photo via Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. / They also wanted us to say "subscribe to HBO Max" but we ain't doing all that
Why don't women in movies ever get yeast infections?
I'd really like to know...
BY LAUREN WINDSOR -KINKAID FILM CRITIC
In a world where the ever evulvaing film industry is filled with dick jokes, penis puns and cock-based comedy there is one biological phenomenon we are yet to see on screen. It seems to be the yeast important thing to any Hollywood executive.
As I was doing my monthly viewing of the Hunger Games films—watching through the eyes of a seasoned vagina-owner— there was one thing I just couldn’t overlook. Why don’t these women ever get yeast infections? Following my discovery I have compiled a list of films where the prospect of a yeast infection seems inescapable.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)
In this film, Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) is put through constant trials and tribulations, one after the other, and we as an audience are forced to believe that she wouldn’t have even the least yeast down east?
Katniss spends three days submerged in a tropical swamp wearing nothing but a skin-tight soggy rubber wetsuit. It is the warm, damp environment that makes for perfectly risen bread dough, beautifully fermented kimchi and powerful vaginal mega-flora.
Jurassic Park (1993)
Jurassic Park is ruined for me. Costa Rica, in August, 98 per cent humidity. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) is
running for her life in wet khakis. She didn’t think to bring a change of underwear. By end of day one on Isla Nublar, Ellie would have been cooking up a micro-dairy specialising in cottage cheese. Ian Malcolm (played by Jeff Goldblum), sweaty and unbuttoned, delivers the thesis statement directly into camera, “life finds a way.” He means the dinosaurs, however, whether aware of it or not, he is also describing the situation in Ellie's khakis with startling precision. Warm, damp, stressed, running—these are not
survival conditions. These are growth conditions.
Dune (2021)
And Dune? More like Doom(ed ph-balance). I somehow feel Frank Herbert may not have invented the stillsuit with candida in mind.
Chani (Zendaya) crosses the deep desert on a schedule determined by sandworm migration patterns. The suit’s closed-loop fluid-recycling system functioned as designed. She’s trapped and she’s marinating.
Paul Atreides sees all, but he is
Things to see, do and watch this week
THEATRE
A musical about how Timbits saved the day on 9/11 in Newfoundland ROYAL ALEXANDRA THEATRE, TORONTO | APRIL 1 TO MAY 1
When a restaging of Come From Away got canned due to a lack of funds at Mirvish, hero sponsor Tim Hortons stepped in to save the day. This minimally re-written version of the Tony-winning musical follows a Tim Hortons manager who shows the power of compassion through Always Freshtm premium roast coffee and delicious Ryan Reynolds-branded confectionaries to a group of stranded passengers on the darkest day in American history.
BALLET
An anti-Timothée Chalamet ballet fundraiser extravaganza FOUR SEASONS CENTRE, TORONTO | APRIL 6
After making controversial remarks, claiming "no one cares" about ballet and other performance arts, Oscar-not-winning actor Timothée Chalamet has found himself as enemy number one in the ballet world. At this much-anticipated show, the National Ballet of Canada’s awardwinning troupe will be burning a 12-foot tall effigy of the FrenchAmerican actor while performing “Black Swan Pas de Deux” from the third act of Swan Lake. Pitchforks and torches welcome.
MUSEUM
A big exhibit about one of the ocean's craziest critters
ROYAL ONTARIO MUSEUM, TORONTO | APRIL 8
Move over sharks, this month the ROM will be showcasing something even scarier: CLAMS! Those little things will be all over the ROM come April and we are living for it. No, you can't eat them, no, they don't have live ones but they do have shells everywhere. Watch your step! While they don't have 300 teeth like a Great White Shark, they do have one big bite. And if you eat a spoiled one and get a food-borne illness, you could maybe die. Chilling stuff
Oscar winners on winning Oscars
win cinema's highest award. Here, we publish what they had to say. Take it away, Hollywood stars!
BEST
"If there really was someone who looked exactly like me, I'd probably have sex with him. You would too and you can't say you wouldn't."
apparently too afraid of an unsexy vagina to use his bene gesserit powers for the good of all Fremen vagina-havers. What is a girl to do? Ride the worm anyway, I suppose. Looking forward, I hope Hollywood and those big executives in their ivory towers with their dicks and balls tied between their legs realize that we’ve had it with the Seth Rogen testicle jokes. We’re not asking for close ups, all we really want is vaginal representation across the entire nation.
BY HOITY TOITY WENT TO McGILL
ART
A groundbreaking art installation COLLINGWOOD MIDDLE SCHOOL, COLLINGWOOD, ONT. | APRIL 5
Mrs. Bowker's grade 5 students at Collingwood Middle School have just completed their final art projects and are getting ready to present them to the school—and the whole nation! Highlights include Bradley R.'s watercolour painting "Sunset" and Ava B.'s stunning macaroni portrait of her grandmother, who passed during March break. Mrs. Bowker, who has been teaching the class since 1996, says this may be her last year. "Mrs. Bowker is getting old!" she told the Dilly Dally
Jessie Buckley BEST ACTRESS | HAMNET
"When that kid died—that Hamnet kid—that was real. I was acting crazy because it was wack as hell. But sure, I'll take a statuette."
Paul Thomas Anderson BEST DIRECTOR, BEST PICTURE, BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY | ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER
"Feed me awards. I crave Oscars and I need them for sustenance."
We asked three big-shot celebs about how it felt to
Michael B. Jordan
ACTOR | SINNERS
Photo via Lionsgate / Also isn't it crazy that Lionsgate isn't the one with the roaring lion? Weird
BAD OPINIONS
Why protests were good when I did them and bad when you do them
Ask your father if he agrees with me
Vietnam, against LBJ, for LBJ.
I’ll start with assuring you that in my youth, I was the ill-est guy on the block. I was a young chap double minoring in philosophy and religion at the University of Toronto. My professors stoked a flame in my heart, one that yearned for justice and for saying whatever the hell was on my mind.
Picture it kid, Toronto, 1968. We were on the steps of Simcoe Hall—banners in hand—protesting the unrelenting war in Vietnam. Our bell bottoms reached so low every other step we’d trip and hit our heads on the pavement.
Back then when Yorkville was all hippies and not Eataly and Holt Renfrew, we didn’t know what we were fighting for, only that it mattered and that it was for the good of the people and the benefit of those who had nothing else to do with their days.
I’d go to any protest I heard about, against Vietnam, for
There was one I went to in July of ‘68 where all we did was walk in a circle and sing Beatles songs. Halfway through we realized we didn’t know what we were protesting so we dropped acid and fucked.
Not like today. Protesting nowadays is all about gender and race. Protesting back then was all about jeans with flowers on them and having smelly sex with multiple partners—free love and all that.
The main problem is the kids nowadays don’t have it in them, they aren’t like us, we were cool and smoked weed when it was illegal, Woodstock, the Cold War, etc.
One time in August of ‘69 there was a fella at a protest that was not jiving with my vibe. We got into a little pushin’ and shovin’ instead of what we were protesting for—which was kissin’ and lovin’. Anyways I killed that man with my bare hands and buried his body where nobody could ever find it.
We were raised tougher back
No one says "bless you" anymore
BY SNEEZY McGEE AVID SNEEZER
Something is going on that I just can’t wrap my larger-than-average nose around. People are losing their manners and society is losing our way of community.
If I sneeze REALLY LOUDLY in a public space—and I mean loud like an old foghorn or an elephant getting his trunk blown off—I deserve a little verbal compensation from somebody or anybody or anyone who gives a single fuck about an ole’ sneezer like me.
What the hell does a guy who sneezes 30 to 42 times a day got to do to get a goddamn “bless you” or even an “excuse you” because excuse ME for wanting some freaking decency in this hellscape of a world I sneeze in.
Just because the sheer volume of my snot rivals the eruptions of Pompeii doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the same blessing wishes as a small woman with tiny “atchews.”
McGee is a professor emeritus in World History at the University of Toronto.
Why fake articles are ruining journalism
BY LOREM IPSUM REAL PERSON
Fake articles are popping up everywhere in today’s journalistic landscape and it is unclear why. The industry has an influx of jobs and availability as proven by a statistic.
As a reporter it is hard to come to terms with dealing with understanding with things with how they are presented. The prospect of an article being produced and/or published and/or released and/or created with content that may be falsified and/or not real and/ or repetitive brings tears to my eye sockets.
Real experiences shape real stories and real stories are shaped by these real experiences—really.
As a learning language model I cannot produce content that reflects real feelings. Would you like for me to continue?
Ipsum is a real person and was seen doing things real people do at the store.
then I guess. For breakfast, we ate cereal with real men on the box and a prize at the bottom that would kill you if you ate it.
The woke little fuckers now with their iPods and their gameboy machines, watching Riverdale on Tubi and eating GMO-flavoured Oreo Cakesters have tarnished the spirit of protest that my people started. Those little punks wouldn’t know a real picket sign if it came out of their Instachat screens and slapped them on their septum piercings so hard they had to call their moms for the fourth time in the day.
I think the point is nowadays ain’t like thenadays and whenadays come where nowadays go back to howadays used to be, this town’ll get a whole hell of a lot smarter and whole fuck of a lot less yuppie. But that’s just my two cents and you can take that all the way to the bank and cash it.
Boomer currently runs a self-funded freeform podcast on Truth Social focused on defrauding critical race theory.
World Cup allegedly a "big deal," claims alleged 'expert'
Tournament apparently popular in 'Europe,' 'South America'
BY BEATRICE BALL'OCKEY SPORTS REPORTER
The 2026 FIFA World Cup is coming to North America with games being held across Canada, the U.S. and Mexico. While some are completely unaware of this fact, one expert claims this event is quite the “big deal.”
Barry Innett, executive director of public relations at FIFA, said he believes the buzz surrounding the World Cup is starting to ramp up at an exciting pace.
“It’s a pretty big deal. My dad’s friend’s coworker was mentioning it in passing at one point so the word of mouth is pretty good,” said Innett. “We also just made a deal with PLAYMOBIL and they’re going to make us toy versions of the players whose names I don’t know so that’s pretty cool right?”
The Dilly Dally spoke with FIFA
Wizzle’s slonk
the Slackers nill bill
The game ended in an upset for both teams
fans on the street—or at least people we could find wearing shirts that resembled soccer jerseys—to ask about how they’re preparing for what FIFA is calling “the biggest event of the summer besides everything else.”
“I’m honestly not sure when it starts but when it does it’ll be pretty cool to hear about after it ends,” said one fan in a shirt with the number nine on it.
“I’m from England so what you call soccer we call football and I believe that is all I have to say about that,” said one woman from England.
“I heard that they made a deal with PLAYMOBIL so I’m pretty darn excited to get my grubby little hands on one of those figures,” said a man wearing a jersey with his actual last name on it.
While the FIFA games are set to take place June 11 to July 19, the live-action Moana remake is set to
BY SPORTS BALL WEARING A BALLCAP
The Webberton Wizzle’s slonked the Springfield Slackers nill bill in the big semi-final matchup last night.
Early in the mid-section of the quarter, rookie forward-split Mark Matthew hit a triple glide ball from the quarter line. This was quickly upended when the de-
release on July 10 so many, if not all, will be occupied.
In Toronto, the games are set to be held in the newly renovated BMO Field with an additional 17,756 temporary seats having been added, increasing the stadium's total capacity to 45,736.
Joe Schmoe, head of construction on the expansion project, said the additions are as stable as they will ever be.
“It’s really unclear right now how many of the new seats are going to disintegrate as soon as they are sat in but that’s not my circus and certainly not my monkeys,” said Schmoe. “My advice would be not to sit in any of the newly added seats or anywhere else in the stadium as once it reaches the ‘capacity’ we said it could hold it will fall into the ground and disappear forever."
fence performed a stunning hung linger, tying the game.
In her third year as coach for the Wizzle’s, Celery Pickle said the game was an aggressive court for the young men. “We had to keep the momentum going with the pass differential,” she said. “Ten more counts on the shot clock and the buzz would have ended our season.”
In the third inning after half-
time, the Slackers came back, with their rackets in the paint for a double-time squash.
Slackers defensive tight-catcher Thatcher Batcher said the match went south for him once the clock struck its half-stretch.
“You know, we do all that we can out there,” Batcher said. “This game that we’re all playing—the one that you’re all watching us play—it’s a tough one, and with-
out the right mindset, you can play bad, you know?”
However, the Wizzle’s found their comeback opening at the bottom of the last, when righthand hitting rusher Wally Fielder tossed a buzzer-beater beet salad from half-field to clinch a spot in the big game.
The Wizzle’s will go on to face the Calgary Marys after a three decade championship loss streak.
The funny pages
A Dilly Dally Giveaway!
We're giving away two $25 gift cards to Tim Hortons so you can buy Ryan's Reynolds' new donut or whatever the hell they're doing now.
1. Complete the crossword! Only 100 per cent accurate crosswords will be accepted.
2. Complete the Google Form via the QR code on the page and add a photo of your completed crossword!
3. Await an email, you've got nothing better to do! The form will close end-of-day on April. 7th and winners will be contacted shortly a erwards and asked to come into our o ce for photos!
Submit Completed Crossword Here
ACROSS
1. This big castle was built by a guy who ran out of money and then died.
5. This mall is so fucking big and filled with people that smell like food from the food court.
6. This art museum is free so you can take a first date there and not pay anything while still appearing intellectual.
7. This is where all the fishies hangout and there's that big one that lies on the glass.
8. This place has tiny ver-
sions of everything! You, me and every building in Toronto!
DOWN
2. You can call the waitresses "wenches" here and the knights are all hot and stuff mmmffghhh.
3. You may think this is the tallest building in Toronto but its just a big radio tower with a restaurant.
4. Home of the Toronto Blue Jays, this place should still be called the Skydome.
Andrew Gar eld
Calvin and Hobbs and Shaw
Dilbert Reloaded
Marmaduke of Edinburgh
