STORYTIME IN THE PARKS returns for summer 2023!

Enjoy 30 minutes of stories, songs, rhymes, and more. Library services will be offered at the Lewis & Clark Library Bookmobile after the storytime program. These programs are geared towards children between the ages of 3 to 8 years old but everyone is welcome. Cancellations due to weather will be posted by 9:30 am the day of the event on the library website, www.lclibrary.org, and social media accounts @LewisandClarkLibraryHelena and @LCLBookmobile. Don’t forget your sunscreen and a blanket to sit on! Thursday, June 29th | 10 am

Thursday, June 15th | 10 am continued from page 7 love to kids beyond saying, “I love you.” Many of the suggestions involve nonverbal communication of love.

The way you express your love as a parent (and want to receive it) is important. But if you want your significant other and your kids to know the full measure of your love for them, you might need to intentionally communicate your love for them in the way it resonates best for them. If you ever wonder, “Whose love language matters most?” in conveying love to your child, the answer is theirs

Conveying love effectively is probably one of the best and most important starting points in parenting and developing a healthy and enduring relationship with your child.

Very little. While there are many useful research findings on parent-child relationships, most of the research on parenting and parental love centers on childhood well-being and outcomes through the lens of parent-child bonding/ attachment, rather than parental efficacy studies. Consider this statement:

In my 20+ years of working with kids and parents, I have found that statement to be generally true for most kids, most of the time. It’s not saying that kids who misbehave are not feeling loved, but it helps kids and their parents to have a more stable footing in their relationship when love is effectively conveyed. Kids who have a strong sense that they are loved feel more secure, have more positive feelings toward their parents, and have a greater sense of emotional well-being.

If the research on parental love is limited, then we need a framework for learning how to effectively convey our love to our children. While I’m not aware of any research that directly looks at the accuracy of The 5 Love Languages of Children, there is independent research that supports the 5 Love Languages (5LL) categories in couples’ research. Drs. Chapman and Campbell use the same 5LLs for kids as they do for adults:

• Physical Touch

• Words of Affirmation

• Quality Time

• Gifts

• Acts of Service

I also found two recent research studies that might shed some light on the accuracy of 5LL for children. In one study by Sabey and colleagues, researchers interviewed 52 families of children (ages three to seven) and found that the children perceived love along five different categories:

• Playing or doing activities together

• Demonstrating affection (physical and verbal)

• Creating structure

• Helping or supporting

• Giving gifts or treats

In the other study by McNeely and Barber, the researchers surveyed and studied 4,300 adolescents (ages 14–17) from 12 different nations and found five different categories of perceived love:

• Emotional and companionate support (affection and encouragement)

• Moral guidance and advice (modeling/teaching moral behavior)

• Instrumental support (buy/provide necessities and things I want, help me)

• Allow freedoms (watching tv, using a cell phone)

• Show respect or trust

If you compare the findings of the two groups of researchers and the 5LLs, you can see many similarities.

I’m going to provide you with some rules of thumb for conveying love to your kids. I believe that Drs. Chapman and Campbell did us a big favor by creating strategies and frameworks for discussing and improving our communication of love to our children, but their advice does not take us the entire way. Here are some ideas of where to start:

Use your child’s love language: If you don’t instinctually know your child’s love language(s), consider reading The 5 Love Languages of Children. It’s a quick and easy read that will help you explore your own love language and will help you in all of your close relationships. The book also contains suggested activities for each love language and a “Love Languages Mystery Game” to help you learn from your child about their primary love languages.

Be focused when showing love: Love does not multi-task.

When you are communicating love to your child, it’s important to be near them, share your positive nonverbal love and affection (positive eye contact, positive physical contact), not be distracted by other people or other tasks, and not mix your expression of love with your other needs for your child (non-related instructions or information).

Love has no “buts”: Love does not send mixed signals.

It’s important to avoid sending kids mixed signals. Especially when you are conveying love to your kids, it is not the time to tell them how frustrating they can be, give them gifts with strings attached, or guilt trip them into reciprocating something special you did for them.

Develop the habit of conveying love: Sharing love daily is not too often. Speaking your child’s love language regularly does not mean buying them toys or giving them a cookie every day, even if their love language primarily is receiving gifts. Kids can receive your love in other ways than gifts alone; however, sharing your love with them often involves a little bit of your time. What habits or routines can you develop to intentionally show your love to your child every day?

Most parenting research focuses on mothers and children (and it is not uncommon for children to express feeling especially close to their mothers), so fathers might need to be especially proactive in figuring out what the most effective means are for them to convey their love to their children. One researcher pointed out that fathers might express love differently with their children. If you think that there might be a discrepancy between how you are attempting to show love (for example, working long hours to provide for your family) and how your kids are receiving it, it’s time for you to reassess your strategy. Check in periodically with your kids and make sure you are speaking their love language so that they really know how much you love them.

Parenting can be one of the best and most rewarding things you ever do. It can also be one of the most challenging and frustrating things you’ve ever imagined. Effectively conveying your love for your child is a wonderful foundation to build your relationship with your child and establish your parenting style. You can know with certainty that they understand—at a very deep level—how much you love them. Love won’t solve all your problems as a parent, but it will help. It will help both you and your child get through tough times together with your relationship intact and it will help your relationship stand the test of time. If you are not already doing it, start intentionally speaking your child’s love language today! ■

Please email coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.

Emma is new to Hawthorne this year. Though quite shy and quiet at times, she is such a kind young lady, especially to those who may be lonely or in need of a friend. Emma is a quiet leader who exemplifies respectful and responsible behavior. She works hard each day, models positive and productive behavior for others, helps those around her without being asked, and takes fantastic care of the students at her school. Not only is she a model for the other students, she knows how to make others feel valued and a part of the school community.

Tiber is a 12-year-old student at East Valley Middle School in East Helena. For the past seven years, Tiber has participated in saddle bronc and bareback riding competitions. Tiber qualified for the Junior World Finals in 2018, 2019, 2020, and 2021. His highest finish came in the 2021 Junior World Finals in Las Vegas, Nevada, with a 3rd place finish in bareback riding. In fact, his favorite event to compete in is bareback riding. He says it’s just simpler than saddle bronc riding. Tiber has a goal of making the National Finals Rodeo (NFR) when he grows up. When he isn’t participating in rodeo, he loves to play sports, such as baseball, football, and wrestling.

Melaina has taken advanced classes during high school, works, and maintains a 3.86 gpa. Even more impressive is her character and leadership. She is involved in seven different clubs, including BPA, DECA, Key Club, NHS, Science Club, Mock Trial, and Travel Club, holding an officer position in each of these. She has also been involved in the Science Olympiad and Science Bowl. She participates in everything, including holiday baskets for food insecure families, Halloween at HHS to provide safe trick or treating for area youth, spokesperson at assemblies and dances, our annual food drive, and more. Melaina is willing to take on multiple tasks, leads others by example, genuinely cares about her fellow classmates and her community, and is one of the kindest human beings.

Dr. Len Lantz is an adult and pediatric psychiatrist and a Clinical Associate Professor in Psychiatry at the University of Washington School of Medicine. Dr. Lantz is the editor of The Psychiatry Resource (psychiatryresource.com), and his debut book, unJoy: Hope and Help for 7 Million Christians with Depression, was published in 2022. He is a Distinguished Fellow both in the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and he serves on the state councils of both organizations. Dr. Lantz maintains a clinical practice at Big Sky Psychiatry in Helena. He is passionate about helping kids and families thrive. We are fortunate that Dr. Lantz allows us to reprint his awesome articles!

Autumn Keller, Wealth Advisor with Thrivent Pinnacle Financial Advisors of Helena, has a heart for the Helena community. Autumn’s practice empowers non-profits with education and financial resources, which in turn impacts people in our communities through support to organizations such as Intermountain Children’s Services, Impact Montana, Helena Food Share, Montana Supporting Military, and The Friendship Center. Building relationships is at the center of all she does as her team works to provide opportunities both within her practice and through her client relationships to express gratitude in meaningful, intentional, and purposeful ways.

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