Ways to Begin the Year Intentionally

By DR. TIM ELMORE

As we begin a new year, this is the perfect time to establish new habits and set new standards. The McCormicks have two sons and a daughter. Their boys are teens, ages 14 and 16. Their daughter is 11. If you met them, you’d see an average middle class, American family who’s trying to help their children through school, sports, and video games without going broke or having a nervous breakdown. (I’m exaggerating.)

Fifteen years ago, they decided they were going to be intentional about limiting the screen time for their kids; they chose to encourage extra-curricular activities since that looks good on a transcript and they began saving for college tuition payments. Today, the picture is different. They admit they’ve been guilty of a “slow drift.” All that intentionality got lost in the busyness of middle school and high school. + All three of their kids spend far too much time on screens with social media. + Their kids are over-committed with sports, clubs, theatre, and youth group. + They enjoy precious little time together over meals each week. + They spend far more money than they budgeted for their kids’ activities. + Their boys seem to be addicted to video games and get angry at stop time. + They’re in a vicious cycle of buying the latest Apple portable devices for them. + They have not saved enough money to come close to college tuition payments.

How did this happen? Does this sound familiar?

My friend David Christie recently shared a statement with me that explains so many of today’s challenges with kids: If you raise your children, you can spoil your grandchildren. But if you spoil your children, you’ll have to raise your grandchildren.

Far too often, parents reach the end of the parenting journey (when their kids are two decades old) and they find those kids are unready for what comes next. Why? We failed to be intentional about preparing them. Now, they need more parenting.

Our problem is not intention; we all intend to raise good kids. Our problem is hectic lifestyles. We become so busy—we unwittingly shift into defensive mode. We stop playing offense and play defense; we began reacting to all the events, payments, and the demands that today’s “system” places upon us.

We fail to heed our intentions and turn them into intentionality.

Below, I offer a starter list for leading your kids intentionally this new year. I’ve chosen six categories to be intentional about when it comes to raising them instead of spoiling them. I hope these spark your own thoughts.

1. Determine screen time and its replacement. This is the most common categories that parents get off track and fail to lead their kids—especially their teens. Part of the reason for the mental health challenges kids face today is social media and the high number of hours teens spend on a portable device. Dr. Jean Twenge notes that two hours or more per day puts them at a greater risk of anxiety and depression. Less than two hours a day makes them less vulnerable to such mental health issues.

2. Determine family time and what will be engaging. Studies have shown that families who enjoy meals together also enjoy greater satisfaction and less stress than those who don’t. As our kids were growing up we tried to schedule at least three dinners a week at our kitchen table. When they were teens we also tried to insert at least one monthly family date. This meant we limited their extra-curricular activities to one per semester.

3. Determine financial boundaries. This one is tough because we are frequently guilty of merely reacting to bills and invoices instead of planning our spending. We follow this simple rule: give first, save second, and live on the rest. This means we choose the charitable giving we want to do and decide our amount each month; then we put money in savings, and then we see what we have left to cover all else. This offers a guideline for the emotional conversation about buying “stuff” for your kids.

4. Determine service projects. As our kids grew older it became more challenging to do this one together. But, we attempted to schedule one time a month to find a place to serve together. It may be a homeless shelter; it may be a local food pantry, or a department in a local church. This gave us perspective on our own “first world problems” and conditioned to be generous and grateful.

5. Determine growth and quiet time. We didn’t do this as regularly as we should have. But after researching the topic, I believe kids need time when it’s quiet. This can be reading time; or journaling time, or a project where they learn to think critically. Neuroscientists say silence and solitude cultivate creativity and empathy in us. This counter-cultural act won’t make sense at first to adolescents. I’m convinced that it will foster peace of mind.

6. Determine work time and chores. If you don’t plan this, it usually doesn’t happen with most tweens and teens. I believe it is healthy for every family member to contribute to the family, by doing age-appropriate tasks around the home—and eventually working a job. Both of my kids had jobs by age 16, learning work ethic and managing money. ■

About The Author: Tim Elmore is an international speaker and best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Generation iY: The Secrets to Connecting With Teens & Young Adults in the Digital Age, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, the Habitudes® series, and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. He is founder and president of Growing Leaders, an organization equipping today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow. Sign up to receive Tim’s blog at www.growingleaders.com/blog and get more information on Growing Leaders at www.GrowingLeaders.com and @GrowingLeaders @TimElmore.

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It is important for our children to know that their parents and caregivers are there for them. As our children grow up and become more and more independent, it is usual for us to have less and less in common and to feel disconnected. Here are three simple steps for building strong relationships as our kids grow.

All relationships evolve over time, and the relationship between parent and child is no different. As parents, we must be open to changing the way we talk, play, and interact with our kids as they grow older. Our interactions with them must mature as they mature. In this way, we can help our children feel seen and heard and understood. For example, instead of saying, “You are such a big boy!” as you would when proud of your three-yearold, you change your language to something like, “I admire your perseverance,” when talking to your 13-year-old. Examine what other changes in your behavior can be made to honor the child’s growth and independence.

We all come into parenting with expectations of what it will be like. However, parenting rarely plays out in the way we picture in our heads. Perhaps you always imagined playing catch in the yard behind a white picket fence. But instead, your child has no interest in sports, and there is no white picket fence in sight. Getting stuck in those fantasies only leads to disappointment. Be aware of these scripts and give yourself permission to change the narrative and be flexible. Maybe chess on the porch is a better fit for you and your child.

One of the best ways to connect with your child is to unite over a shared interest, big or small. Star Wars, stickers, shoes, or Silly Putty. If you can’t find something you can enjoy together, start a new tradition, like going out for breakfasts, or collecting rocks. If all else fails, fake it until you make it. For example, even though I do not enjoy card games, a five-minute game of Uno yields connection, trust, and love. The time you spend together will inevitably create a bond.

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The percentage of time a cat sleeps in their life

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The National Carousel Association, 2010