BAD ADVICE Ask the Expat 45PLACES Illuminations.

Health BAD ADVICE... Ask the Expat

Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.

This month, Ask The Expat goes undercover in a topsecret society meeting. In full espionage mode, I even wore shades, a black cap, a false beard, a big gold mediation, and old school Davidoff 'Coolwater' aftershave! Considering the company of dripping and greased slimeballs, that was quite apt. I was informed of a possible 'Studs go hustle' seminar, for international wise guys and gigolos of all ages seeking to hit it big in the Algarve. A market of ripe ExPat wealth, divorced, widowed, bored housewives. We were informed about this 'incredible meeting of minds' by a tip-off by Cindy who found the biro date on a suspicious company card. Her distress is being a victim of sending 75k of her pension to a high-calibre Aussie-born conman. Lulled into the trap, he was sending her widowed Shirley Valentine Vila Real fantasies wild, except he was a pimp with a fetish for extortion. He split, leaving Cindy with a course of reserve antibiotics. Her voice choked on Videotime "he promised highly exclusive fine wine on his yacht, to be a devoted lover, but all I got was an exclusive STI and a bust purse!" Though it is out of our East Algarve territory, it seemed to be worth the trip to nearby Vilamoura and to pay €100 to attend the meeting in the darkly lit cocktail bar 'Ménage à Trois'. It was as eye rolling as the names of the yachts at that marina. Yukky. Surely this meeting can't be real I think nervously, opening the heavy door, wad of money ready in hand. Though I carelessly stumbled on to the stained silver zebra print velvet chaise longue, as I couldn't see through my faux Ray Bans, and after nearly hitting my head on the garish erotic sculptured candle-sticks, a greasy slicked back haired man, offered me a cocktail. 'Hey, if you are like me, you need one of these, bro'! 'What is it? I ask, looking at the rancid concoction. 'D*mbf*ck', but if you are, you won't be when you've left here bud', he said, slapping my back so hard, my foaming juice spilled over my too-tight jeans. I am worried about the hidden mic in my boxer shorts! I think, how enraged they would be if they realised my XX chromosomes, under my drag king get-up, a false beard, and practiced 'husky' Barry White voice. Fearful I hope they don't find me out! The meeting begins, under sweltering candlelite, smelling like a Chippendale locker room with their legs spread wide for 'ball space'. Thankfully, and expectedly, the 'presentation' finishes prematurely, so the ratty 'broskis' cheer in awe. The magazine is more interested in speaking to the group and the Q&A, which begins amid playing 50 Cents Candyshop. One is left wondering which of these testosterone-fueled dirtbags have genuinely made out like bandits in this school for gold-digging hustlers? The crowing of the cocks begins… One man claims whilst stalking his prey, he worked as a window and pool cleaner, at an 8-bed Quinta. He ensured the husband would be coming back, to discover his wife in the throes of passion, by having his 'comrade' place a tip-off at that golfing club. Needless to say, the divorce was as quick as the sudden marriage. And when the 'boating' accident happened, while his seventy-year-old lover couldn't swim, he was cracking open the champagne, sitting on a cool mill! It wasn't his fault there were no life jackets on board, and at 28, he was a strong swimmer he chuckled! The host interjects, if done correctly, swindling doesn't have to come close to anyone dying, he says kindly. He describes his model as a more fool-proof style of gold-digging. Offering the group a plate of cheeseballs, Simon quips, it is all about charm and seduction, where declaring love is no crime! Another man, Carlos agrees! After his divorce, all he searched for on Tinder were two homecooked meals, a clean house, and a place to stay, as he weighs-up multiple options. He sniggers, call it compensation for 'having me'! Amar, a bulky bodybuilder gormlessly attempts to rap, 'any hoe looking to get these muscles, got to be aware this stud gonna play to hustle', to which a slighter male named Savaric, asks about the rules for 'gay for pay' eyeing Amar up and down. A man called Brad flexes his knuckles and 'wants to hear no more of this shite' as the tension escalates so I ask 'has anyone made a long-term relationship out of their scam?' A guy called Johannes answers and laughs! Yes, his cougar is well on her lead! A lonely divorcee, now under his thumb, he boasts, she has no friends or savings left, so he will probably do a runner soon! Everything is in my name and she pays for my prostitutes! We even had to go on the run, after he smashed up her best friend's house who warned her he was a 'bad un'. Isolated, his 'good girl' sold her house and now it's all in my name", he proudly declares. "And she is not even allowed a phone unless she is ordering my drugs from the coast of Morocco", he says wisely. After more chest-beating, more Goldschlager, and Pirate-like catcalls, I come across 'Pierre', chuckling about his latest scam with a 'daft cockney tart called Cindy'. I take his card with his brand new number. Cindy might like this! Having risked my nostrils, sanity, and passage amongst these machismo monsters, I exit as the drunken roaches gyrate to bad house music. Let's say one night near this harem of shysters, surely anyone could smell their BS mile off? Ladies, please remember these swindlers are out there when you start typing the transfer! If they are still at the bar, the GNR has been tipped off. What are you going to do bad boys, when they come for you!? Let's hope it bloody hurts and is served kisser first!

Telephone: +351 966 853 063 Facebook: Jolly Sailor Address: Urbanização Quinta Velha, Cabanas Email: luisfilipe@thejollysailor.eu

ILLUMINATIONS

As usual we like to bring you a selection of Christmas lights from the East Algarve. With our deadline to send the issue to print approaching, we only have Olhão and Faro currently switched on... ENJOY!

A HAVEN for children in need

The doors of the Refúgio Aboim Ascensão are open 24/7, 365 days a year, ready to help better the lives of abused, abandoned and neglected children

This month we visit Refúgio Aboim Ascensão, a private internationally recognised non profit Christian Charity Organisation, working to better the lives of abused, abandoned and neglected children under the age of six. Since 1985, Refúgio’s specialised model of care ‘Emergencia Infantil’ dedicated to infants and young children at risk, has earned numerous national and international awards. Dr. Luis was also awarded the prestigious - Diana Princess of Wales Award in 1998 and was also made an honorary member of the council of the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children), in 1992 and remains a role model for infant care around the globe,. His work has been compared to that of pioneering Benjamin Whall founder of the NSPCC at the end of the 19th century. Refúgio Aboim Ascensão was founded in 1933 in Faro, by Manuel de Sande Lemos, in recognition of his uncle Rodrigo’s will. It was Rodrigo Aboim Ascensão, who founded The Protective Association of Early Childhood in Lisbon in 1901. It was initially established as a breast milk support centre for single mothers, then a medical service for newborns and premature infants. The founder’s primary goal “Support for Early Childhood” has been the institutions technical and methodical focus over the years, and since 1985 the Refúgio has undergone a number of changes with regard to its facilities, social framework, and clinical and teaching services for children temporarily living at the Refúgio. Based on agreements made with the ‘Ministries of Social Security, Justice, Health, Education and the Municipality of Faro’, the Refúgio is now a major centre for temporary emergency protection – the first to be created in Portugal for at risk children of both sexes, from newborns to six years of age. The Refúgio derives no income or profit from its programme and heavily relies on donations. The Emergencia Infantil program, created by director Luis Villas-Boas on August 1st, 1985, was an effort to continue the child protection reconstruction work begun at the Refúgio, to benefit children at risk. Emergencia Infantil’s primary aim is the rapid re-integration of a child to its natural family. As the first and primary temporary centre for child protection in Portugal it aims to reconnect children with their families whenever possible, if not, it facilitates alternative family arrangements such as adoption, but only upon the competent court’s decision when it is not possible for children to return to their families. Over the years Emergencia Infantil’s unique and effective model of intervention has been recognised nationally and internationally for its ability to help children as they have - ‘the right to be loved’. Refúgio Aboim Ascensão has participated and promoted seminars, meetings and conferences for both European and International participation, such as the International Children’s Forum in 1997, which included participation of 57 countries. It continues to voice the rights of abused and neglected children and with benefit of early intervention to help children who are at risk. The Refúgio is a very friendly and welcoming

place, hosting many children’s events and visits from special guests and friends from the community. You are more than welcome to visit them at any time and see for yourself the amazing work and environment that they have created for the children; the latest arrival was a baby girl who was just a few days old. Providing professional care services on a 24 hour 365 day a year schedule, therapists and technicians of varying specialities form part of a weekly schedule including evening, weekend and holiday rotations to ensure quality care on a continual basis. The team consists of; 3 Occupational Therapists, 2 Physiotherapists, 1 Speech Therapist, 1 Medical Doctor, 3 Psychologists, 9 Childhood Educators, 3 Social Workers. Upon entering the Refúgio, each child receives an individual assessment by the professional therapy team and a programme of care is designed for them, depending on their specific needs. Therapists work with children in order to enhance and develop their sensor motor, cognitive interaction and communication skills. To achieve this development many different objectives and techniques are applied such as Neuro development, Sensorial Integration, Hydrotherapy, Baby Massage, Postural Alignment and Activity Training, amongst many others.

Psychotherapy

The Refúgio’s psychotherapy programme consists of 3 clinical psychologists who have the appropriate material for diagnosis and therapeutic interventions.

The Objective

Their main purpose is to provide children a safe, structured, happy and healthy environment, while giving them tools to develop confidence and self esteem for the future and ultimately, to either return them to their biological parents or an adoptive one after a court decision and social security services select a candidate. It has the capacity for 95 children, plus special emergency protection for an additional 5. Non profit making, they appreciate the many forms of assistance that they receive from local, national and international supporters, their work would not be possible without those contributions. They welcome many forms of volunteer work to enable them to provide the best possible care for the children. If you would like to be considered for a volunteering position, please do contact them to discuss the best way the children can benefit from your help. “We endeavor to provide a superior quality of life for infants and children needing shelter and protection. This work, however, would not be possible, if we were not in receipt of the support from the community, businesses and citizens throughout the country. It is with their financial contributions Refúgio Aboim Ascensão is able to provide the enhanced care abused and neglected children need”. If you are interested in helping them continue this work they would appreciate your consideration, and ask you to get in contact with them through their website www.refugio.pt, or please, as we did, visit them yourself. Very many thanks to everyone at The Refúgio Aboim Ascensão it is a truly special place.