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Classifieds
Interesting fact: Approximately 1.3 billion Christmas cards are sent every year, so at least 6.5 billion other people also receive none of them.
Dear Rachel,
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I started sending out Christmas cards last week and I balked at licking envelopes. This is where the pandemic has brought us. I feel like licking a freaking envelope is the opposite of lovingkindness, of ethical living, of all that Good and Truth stand for this year. I’ve gone nine months without hugging a human being, and I’m going to lick envelopes? Yeah right. But the thing is, Scotch tape on a Christmas card looks tacky. How can I seal my envelopes this year? – Got Licked
Dear Lapping It Up,
Who still sends Christmas cards? The pandemic might be killing envelope licking, but sending physical notes through the mail died a long, long time ago. The only Christmas cards I get are from my car insurance company, my pet insurance company, and my grandpa, aka my inheritance insurance company. I still stick them all to my fridge with magnets until at least March, because it makes me feel like I have friends. – With tongue, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Who would have thought I’d ever use these words: Bob Dylan the sellout. Mr. Counterculture himself, Mr. Blazing-new-trails, just sold the rights to all his existing music for like a third of a billion dollars. I grew up thinking he was the voice of the people, sticking it to The Man. Now he’s just another suit. I realized I’ve been clinging to the same icons for almost 60 years. I need a new rebel. Any recommendations? – Groaning in the Wind
Dear Mr. Complainbourine Man,
No doubt Pete Seeger and Woodie Guthrie just died a little more than they already had. Dylan could have at least gone for some evil-genius-level amount of money. But no one asks for a fraction of a billion dollars. “Yes (in a nasally voice), uh, give me slightly less than one third of one billion dollars (blows into harmonica until the world relents and gives him money).” But dude, he was already a sellout. Have you heard his Victoria’s Secret commercial? – I do believe I’ve had enough, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
My mom mailed me an advent calendar, which is a nice gesture and all, but I am a grown woman and I buy my own high-quality chocolate. Now I have these 24 pieces of lowgrade milk chocolate sitting on my counter, and my mom calling me every day to ask what shape that day’s chocolate was. She’s never been this helicopter-y, and I’m about to snap. What’s a way to tell her to back off that doesn’t put me on the naughty list? – Bad Elf Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com
Dear Darling Daughter,
Wait, your mother sent you something? In the mail? Did she lick the big envelope it was in? Does that mean she loves you? Or is she just an insurance representative who sends advent calendars to all her clients? I never thought I’d feel jealous over two dozen pieces of inferior chocolate – milk chocolate at that – but I’m starting to wonder if I need a better family. Someone to send me heartfelt mementos; someone I can lie to when she asks me about chocolate shapes because I threw that crap away long ago. – Have yourself a merry, Rachel
Durango Public Library Weekly Ac-
tivity Kits available for curbside pickup every Tuesday. Kits include supplies for one project for preschool, elementary and teenage students. While supplies last. To request, email reference@DurangoGov.org or call (970) 375-3380.
PIVOT: Skateboard Deck Art exhibit, over 100 skateboard decks painted by 30 different Native American artists, on view byappointment through spring 2021, Center of Southwest Studies, Fort Lewis College. swcenter.fortlewis.edu/
Upcoming:
Heartwarming Soup Sale, featuring Mediterranean clam chowder, to benefit The Hive. Dec. 17, 4-6 p.m., pick up soup at the Dandelion Café, 725 E. 2nd Ave. Quarts cost $10 minimum donation and proceeds go to help local families in need over the holidays. Masks required. To buy soup or for info, go to: www.thehivedgo.org
Deadline to submit items for “Stuff to Do” is Monday at noon.
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by Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April
19): According to Taoist scholar Chad Hansen, “Western philosophers have endlessly analyzed and dissected a cluster of terms thought to be central to our thinking,” such as truth, beauty, reason, knowledge, belief, mind and goodness. But he reports that they’ve never turned their attention to a central concept of Chinese philosophy: the Tao, which might be defined as the natural, unpredictable flow of life’s ever-changing rhythms. I think that you Aries people, more than any other sign of the zodiac, have the greatest potential to cultivate an intuitive sense of how to align yourselves vigorously with the Tao. And you’re in prime time to do just that.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
What’s the cause of the rumbling at the core of your soul? How do we explain the smoke and steam that are rising from the lower depths? From what I can discern, the fire down below and the water down below are interacting to produce an almost supernatural state of volatile yet numinous grace. This is a good thing! You may soon begin having visions of eerie loveliness and earth-shaking peace. The clarity that will eventually emerge may at first seem dark, but if you maintain your poise it will bloom like a thousand moons.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Author and student Raquel Isabelle de Alderete writes wittily about her paradoxical desires and contradictory qualities. In accordance with current astrological omens, I encourage you to ruminate about your own. For inspiration, read her testimony: “I want to be untouchably beautiful but I also don’t want to care about how I look. I want to be at the top of my class but I also just want to do as best as I can without driving myself to the edge. I want to be a mystery that’s open to everybody. A romantic that never falls in love. Both the bird and the cat.”
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
What would it take for you to muster just a bit more courage so as to change what needs to be changed? How could you summon the extra excitement and willpower necessary to finally make progress on a dilemma that has stumped you? I’m happy to inform you that cosmic rhythms will soon be shifting in such a way as to make these breakthroughs more possible. For best results, shed any tendencies you might have to feel sorry for yourself or to believe you’re powerless.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Novelist Tom Robbins says you have the power to change how you perceive the world. You can change reality – and how reality responds to you – by the way you look at it and interpret it. This counsel is especially useful for you right now, Leo. You have an unparalleled opportunity to reconfigure the way you apprehend things, and thereby transform the world you live in. So I suggest you set your intention. Vow that for the next two weeks, every experience will bring you a fresh invitation to find out something you didn’t know before.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi was re-elected in 2019. During his campaign, the Virgo-born politician arranged to be photographed while wearing the saffron robes of a Hindu priest and meditating in an austere Himalayan cave. Why did he do it? To appeal to religious voters. But later it was revealed that the “cave” was in a cozy retreat center that provides regular meals, electricity, phone service, and attentive attendants. It will be crucial for you to shun this type of fakery in 2021, Virgo. Your success will depend on you being as authentic, genuine, and honest as you can possibly be. Now is an excellent time to set your intention and start getting yourself in that pure frame of mind.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
When author Ernest Hemingway was working on the manuscript for his novel A Farewell to Arms, he asked his colleague F. Scott Fitzgerald to offer critique. Fitzgerald obliged with a 10-page analysis that advised a different ending, among other suggestions. Hemingway wasn’t pleased. “Kiss my ass,” he wrote back to Fitzgerald. I suggest a different approach for you, Libra. In my view, now is a good time to solicit feedback and mirroring from trusted allies. What do they think and how do they feel about the current state of your life and work? If they do respond, take at least some of it to heart.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Mistletoe is a parasite that grows on trees, weakening them. On the other hand, it has been a sacred plant in European tradition. People once thought it conferred magical protection. It was called “all-heal” and regarded as a medicine that could cure numerous illnesses. Even today, it’s used in Europe as a remedy for colon cancer. And of course mistletoe is also an icon meant to encourage kissing. After studying your astrological potentials, I’m proposing that mistletoe serve as one of your symbolic power objects in the coming months. Why? Because I suspect that you will regularly deal with potencies and energies that could potentially be either problematic or regenerative. You’ll have to be alert to ensure that they express primarily as healing agents.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-
Dec. 21): I’m envisioning a scene in which you’re sitting on a chair at a kitchen table. At the center of the table is a white vase holding 18 long-stemmed red roses. The rest of the table’s surface is filled with piles of money, which you have just unloaded from five mysterious suitcases you found at your front door. All of that cash is yours, having been given to you no-strings-attached by an anonymous donor. You’re in joyful shock as you contemplate the implications of this miraculous gift. Your imagination floods with fantasies about how different your life can become. Now, Sagittarius, I invite you to dream up at least three further wonderfully positive fantasies involving good financial luck. That’s the medicine you need right now.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan.
19): Boisterous Capricorn novelist Patricia Highsmith (1921–95) once made the following New Year’s Eve Toast: “To all the devils, lusts, passions, greeds, envies, loves, hates, strange desires, enemies ghostly and real, the army of memories, with which I do battle – may they never give me peace.” Right now I suspect you may be tempted to make a similar toast. As crazy-making as your current challenges are, they are entertaining and growth-inducing. You may even have become a bit addicted to them. But in the interests of your long-term sanity, I will ask you to cut back on your “enjoyment” of all this uproar. Please consider a retreat into an intense self-nurturing phase.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb.
18): In the French city of Strasbourg, there’s a wine cellar built in the year 1395. Among its treasures is a barrel filled with 450 liters of wine that was originally produced in 1472. According to legend, this ancient beverage has been tasted on just three occasions. The last time was to celebrate the French army’s liberation of Strasbourg from German occupation in 1944. If I had the power, I would propose serving it to you Aquarians in honor of your tribe’s heroic efforts to survive – and even thrive – during the ordeals of 2020. I’m predicting that life in 2021 will have more grace and progress because of how you have dealt with this year’s challenges.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
There are too many authorities, experts, know-it-alls and arrogant ideologues trying to tell us all what to do and how to do it. Fortunately, the cosmic rhythms are now aligned in such a way as to help you free yourself from those despots and bullies. Here’s more good news: Cosmic rhythms are also aligned to free you from the nagging voice in your own head that harass you with fearful fantasies and threaten you with punishment if you aren’t perfect.
Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a
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minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com. Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check. (Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.) Ads can be submitted via: n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2
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Announcements
1-Hour Virtual Workshop
“Finding Balance in 2021: Reconnect with what is important in your life” on 1/16/21. Go to CrystalRobertsonCoach ing.com for more information and Crys talRobertsonCoaching@gmail.com to register.
The Perfect Gift
for your favorite dirtbag. Literature from Durango's own Benighted Publications. The Desert, The Climbing Zine, The Great American Dirtbags, American Climber, Climbing Out of Bed and Graduating From College Me are available at: Maria's Bookshop, Pine Needle Mountaineering, the Sky Store, or on the interweb at www.climbingzine.com.
Lost/Found
Watch Found
Watch found at Miller Middle School track-contact to identify-970-749-9903
Wanted
Looking for a 500 - 1000 sq. ft. Art Studio Space
Windows that open and a private bathroom. Please text: 970-946-1992.
Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc.
at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.
Services
Feeling stuck or overwhelmed?
Seeking more out of your life or career? Ready to write your next chapter? Reach out at CrystalRobertsonCoaching@gmail. com to schedule a complementary 30min sample coaching session or go to crystalrobertsoncoaching.com for more information.
GOT COVID?
Biofeedback Therapy has been proven to provide relief from the symptoms of Covid-19. To speed your recovery Call Mitch at Durango BioFeedback 970-7595015. Safe, Remote, and Effective.
Tutoring
All subjects, grades 5th – 9th. Classroom and homework support, masks will be worn at all times. 3:30-5:30 p.m., Mon. – Thurs., Crossroads Building, 11th & Main. For info, call Jessie Hamilton, 970903-9051.
RSE Handyman Service
Home repair. Yard work. Odd jobs. 970-903-0449.
Lowest Prices on Storage!
Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494
Harmony Organizing and Cleaning Services
Home and office 970-403-6192.
Marketing Small and Local Businesses
Media, social media, website content, SEO, etc. for small, local, independent or startup businesses. Email jnderge@ gmail.com
BodyWork
massageintervention.life
Voted best massage in Durango 2020. Couples, cupping, local CBD. Reviews on FB + Yelp. 970-903-2984
ForSale
Reruns Home Furnishings
Make things cozy this holiday season! Beautiful Asian style chest. Bar stools, chairs. Gorgeous, comfy Crate and Barrel chair. Mexican style cabinets, console tables. Patio sets for al fresco dining. Pyrex dishes, bowls and casseroles. Lots of holiday décor and gift ideas in both stores. 572 E. 6th Ave. Open Mon.-Sat. 385-7336.
RealEstate
tection for details. 970- 946-1618.
CommunityService
Volunteers needed for SJMA's
Christmas Tree lot fund-raiser
Volunteers are needed for tree lot sales, thru Dec. 20. Proceeds go to stewardship programs in the San Juan National Forest. To sign up to volunteer, go to www.sjma.org and click on “get involved.”
Application open for SCAPE 2021
Intensive six-month program teaches entrepreneurs about scaling their business, product development, marketing, operations and finance. Program also includes access to industry partners and capital. Applications open to residents of Region 9 (Archuleta, Dolores, La Plata, Montezuma and San Juan counties.) Focus will be ventures wanting to market and compete outside the local area while remaining headquartered in SW Colorado with special emphasis on job creation and resilience from disasters. Deadline to apply is Jan. 15, 2021. Program begins in spring. To learn more, visit: www.goscape.org
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