Durango Telegraph - May 23, 2019

Wearing puffies with flip flops since 2002

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May 23, 2019 Vol. XVIII, No. 21 durangotelegraph.com

inside

T H E

O R I G I N A L

I N D I E

W E E K L Y

Riders on the storm No matter what happens, this weekend’s gonna be epic p8

L I N E

O N

Yocal

How to train (and not train) like a local p13

D U R A N G O

&

B E Y O N D

Cyclists: a field guide Distinguishing the pros from the schlubs & other useful tips p17

2 n May 23, 2019

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lineup

8

4 La Vida Local

Back on the Horse Weather or not, it’s gonna be one for the books

by Tracy Chamberlin

4 Thumbin’ It 5 Word on the Street

12

6-7 Soapbox

Healing touch How a mother’s death turned into something beautiful

by Missy Votel

11 Mountain Town News 17 Day in the Life

13-16

18 Good Eats

Yocal

How to train, un-train and beat the train (or at least try) like a local

by Local First

19 Top Shelf 20-22 On the Town

17

Cyclists field guide How to tell the pros from the schlubs and everything in between photos by Stephen Eginoire

18

boilerplate

RESIDENT FORMULA ONE FAN: Tracy Chamberlin (tracy@durangotelegraph.com)

T

he Durango Telegraph publishes every Thursday, come hell, high water, beckoning singletrack or monster powder days. We are wholly owned and operated by the Durango Telegraph LLC and distributed in the

25 Free Will Astrology 26 Classifieds

Onthecover Joe Eppler stops to clear the mud out and thaw the digits on a recent ride somewhere in the San Juans./ Photo by Stephen Eginoire

Love it or hate it, ranch dressing has drenched American society

by Donna Hewett

ADVERTISING AFICIONADO: Lainie Maxson (lainie@durangotelegraph.com)

Ready to rumble

Let the rigging begin. In case you don’t obsessively check the Dolores Water Conservancy’s updates, the spring spill on the Dolores has begun. On Tuesday, water managers began releasing 400 cfs from McPhee Dam. The releases are ramping up 400 cfs a day until flows of 1,200 are reached sometime Friday. This rate will hold through Memorial Day before ramping back down to 800 cfs on the morning of Tues., May 28. It is expected to stay at 800 cfs until at least noon Thurs., May 30.

From there, it’s anybody’s guess, but water managers and boaters are hopeful for a second spill in June. “Due to the active low-pressure patterns ... McPhee is not filling at the anticipated rate,” DWCD’s Eric Sprague wrote Monday. “As a result, the spill may be temporarily shut down around the end of the month in order to allow the reservoir to fill before beginning releases again.”

When this would happen and for how long largely depends on the next several days. Unfortunately, there is still a large amount of uncertainty with runoff models and weather forecasts.

“There is a good chance ... in early June of the possibility of a high-pressure ridge settling over the area, freeing inflows to follow more traditional and predictable runoff patterns,” Sprague wrote.

Water managers will continue to post updates on Mondays and Thursdays at doloreswater.com.

Meanwhile, the unbridled San Miguel was flowing at a healthy rate this week, bolstering the Dolores’ flows at Gateway to a respectable 1,500 cfs.

26 Haiku Movie Review

All dressed up

EDITORIALISTA: Missy Votel (missy@durangotelegraph.com)

24 Ask Rachel

Ear to the ground: “That’s not even true on a Kennedy.”

– Local woman’s response to a recent poll that found Boston accents to be the sexiest

thepole

RegularOccurrences

CONTRIBUTORS: Lainie Maxson, Stephen Eginoire, Allen Best, Shan Wells, Chris Aaland, Tracy Chamberlin, Clint Reid, Donna Hewett, Zach Hively and Jesse Anderson

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We’re only human. If, by chance, we defame someone’s good name or that of their family, neighbor, best

friend or dog, we will accept full responsibility in a public flogging in the following week’s issue.

Although “free but not easy,” we can be plied with schwag, booze and flattery.

PHONE: 970.259.0133

telegraph

Rock ’n’ roll Looking to wow the competition in this year’s Iron Horse e-bike race start line? Or maybe you just want to win style points at the bar? Well, now you can take a ride on the wild side.

Avon-based company Wildsyde recently released a vintage-inspired line of pedal-assist cruiser e-bikes.

But don’t let the 1950s retro-moto looks fool you, each bike, which can do top speeds of 20 mph, comes equipped with a 500wh motor, 36v 13ah battery, 7-speed Shimano shifter and disc brakes. Of course, all this bling doesn’t come cheap: the bikes run between $2,695-$2,995 (or roughly the cost of a real motorcycle, although we’d advise against taking this puppy to Sturgis.) But then again, can one really put a price tag on coolness?

Wildsyde’s owner Paul Hields says he has more than 25 years in the “active sports” market, from skiing to mountain biking, road biking and now his latest fancy, e-biking. “With e-bikes, we are embarking on an expedition that opens our minds to the simpler things in life,” he says. “We are focusing our energy on creating new experiences.”

Check them out at www.wildsyde.com.

May 23, 2019 n 3

opinion

LaVidaLocal Signs of life I’d spent the morning at the La Plata County Humane Society’s Adopt-a-Thon.

Our family decided to adopt an adorable little kitten for our daughter, Kate. The plan was to pick up the newest member of our family, Ozzy, while Kate was attending her last day of preschool and surprise her when she got home.

We live in the Hermosa Valley.

It was about 10:45 a.m. June 1, 2018, and I drove while my mom held the tiny squealing kitten in her lap. We were headed down the hill on a two-lane section of Highway 550 North, coming around the corner of Animas Mountain when I saw it – a thick pillar of smoke spewing from the north end of the valley. All I could say was “Oh my god.”

The first thing I did was call my husband. When he answered the phone, he simply said, “I know.” He had just spoken to a friend of ours who lives at Tamarron, and they were already packing their bags.

The rest of that day was a strange mix of seeing my daughter’s joy, feeling my own panic, offering lots of people a place to stay, and having lots of other people make the same offer to our family.

Most summers flow right into each other, but not last summer. I remember a lot about last summer.

I remember wondering what was important enough to pack. I remember waiting to see if we’d be evacuated next. I remember watching every video the firefighters posted on the 416 Facebook Page (I’ve never spent so much time on Facebook), and wanting to tell those firefighters just how grateful I was.

I remember one night – not long after the fire started – I watched as the bright orange flames crested the ridge at the north end of the valley, making their way down toward the homes on the other side.

Most of the people in our neighborhood came out into the street to see it for themselves. It was so surreal. We all had binoculars and beers on a warm summer evening. Any other time, it might have been a block party.

But the devastation we were witnessing, the worry of what would come next, the concern for those we knew were battling the blaze, and – yes – the shock that it was all really happening covered the neighborhood in a strange and somber cloud.

I remember a few days later during one of the community meetings at the nearby elementary school, La Plata County Sheriff Sean Smith shared a story. He told the crowd he had been driving along 550 after escorting some cars between Purgatory and Honeyville when the firefighting team came over the radio and told him to get off the road immediately.

The fire was about to jump the highway.

He pulled into Tamarron, parked his vehicle and got out to look around. He said all along the highway, he could see a line of firefighters about 10-15 feet apart. Each

one had their backs to the west side of the road, which was engulfed in flames shooting up 30, 50, even 100 feet high.

Those firefighters, he said, never glanced over their shoulders – not even in one instinctual, momentary lapse of self-preservation.

All they watched was the opposite side of the road, looking for the smallest ember or spark. The goal was to put out anything on the east side of 550. The goal was to make sure the 416 Fire didn’t jump the highway. And, it never did.

There are still signs around Durango – and in the valley – thanking the firefighters for everything they did. When I see those signs, I remember that story.

I’ll admit I did not think they’d unlock the gates to Hermosa Creek this summer.

I was eager – and maybe a bit anxious – when word came out that the Forest Service decided to open it a couple weeks ago.

My husband, myself and my daughter got in the car and headed out.

The first thing that struck me was the openness. I hadn’t even realized how much vegetation lined the roadway until it was gone. But, things didn’t seem too bad. There were still scattered trees, bushes and other reminders of what was once there.

Then we turned one of the corners, and suddenly the landscape changed completely. It had been devastated – as if a nuclear bomb dropped. The only thing left were blackened stumps, covered in bark that looked as if they had melted.

I wanted to cry, and I almost did.

But then I remembered that in the life of that forest, I’m just a glimpse. Hermosa Creek has seen fire before and it will see fire again. Over the past century, our understanding of land management has changed from extinguishing all fires as fast as possible to realizing that fire is part of a forest’s natural life cycle.

That’s when I noticed the small yellow flowers blooming amongst the blackened stumps. Green leaves were already breaking through the barren ground, and life was coming back to the burn scar.

Just a few corners later, the forest started filling out again, and then we came to the campground. Amazingly, the Lower Hermosa Creek Campground was unscathed. We spoke to the gentleman who’s been running the campground for years.

He told us that when the Forest Service officials came back to the area after the fire, they found a camping slip still tacked to the post at one of the campsites. It was unburned, unsinged and dated June 1 – the day those campers had planned on leaving.

Next weekend will mark exactly one year since the start of the 416 Fire. One year since the note was left behind. One year since we brought the kitten home.

It’s true, questions still linger and some scars still burn. But, if you head on out to Hermosa, you’ll see the flowers are starting to bloom, too.

This Week’s Sign of the Downfall:

Thumbin’It

4 n May 23, 2019

– Tracy Chamberlin

The Millennial Facepalm

Lift-served skiing on Memorial Day Weekend, with Purg firing up the lifts after receiving several more inches of snow from the winter that just won’t quit

The zebra mussel scourge closing in on Southwest Colorado, with the discovery of the invasive mollusks on three boats attempting to enter Lake Navajo this month

Colorado making a commitment to early education by joining the ranks of about 40 other states and funding full-day kindergarten starting next fall

Colorado’s teen vaping epidemic creating a whole new problem with millions of discarded pens and plastic JUUL pods creating a nightmare for the environment

The first spill in what will hopefully be a long and illustrious boating season on the typically and tragically dormant Dolores River

Trump’s trade war hitting home, with tariffs raising the price on many goods sold locally (including the paper in your hands)

telegraph

Mode Quiet, a Seattle start up, is selling a wooden frame that looks like a phone for $29.95, and they’re becoming quite popular. The “Quiet Frame” works like a grownup pacifier – you put it in your back pocket if it’s difficult to leave home without your phone, or you hold it and pretend to take pictures to help with social media addiction. For real. The Quiet Frame comes in Maple or Walnut, you register it online for some reason and then you “unplug” with “digital minimalism.” Well done, Millennials.

WordontheStreet

Q

With the 48th Iron Horse Bicycle Classic this weekend, the Telegraph asked, “What helpful advice do you have for the riders?”

Casey Love

“Don’t fall off the wagon.”

Heather Matney

“Don’t eat a huge meal first.”

Jessy

“Don’t smoke a fat blunt first.”

Jake Shabon

“Steer clear of the Ranch.”

Nick Shabon

“Pedialyte for breakfast.”

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May 23, 2019 n 5

SoapBox

ReTooned/by Shan Wells

Donald Trump’s endless IRS audit To the editor, Thanks for all who paid taxes in 2018. After reading information on the new proposed tax change, it’s just crazy. Sen. Ted Cruz along with 29 GOP co-sponsors has called to abolish the IRS. With the audits for the wealthy 1 percent decreasing from 8 percent in 2011 to just 2.5 percent in 2017, I guess it’s a way to make America great again.

Revenue from audits in 2010 were $5.1 billion, and audits in 2017 $1.9 billion. That is not a very good way to pay down the debt. I guess that’s why Trump says he is under audit. By law, he still can show us his taxes even under audit – an audit lasting over two years. Come on, the IRS has dedicated workers.

I hope Trump pays his taxes, and so do his grown children Don Jr., Ivanka and Eric, who are always in the limelight working for daddy in some way.

Read, read, read … you will see for yourself.

— Bob Battani, Durango

Tipton’s voting record lacks values To the editor, What values does Rep. Scott Tipton base his congressional voting?

Since the beginning of the 2019 U.S. Congress he has voted: 1. Against enhanced background checks for gun purchases. Does he not value protecting human life?

2. Against election reforms that allow early voting in all states and the elimination of political gerrymandering.

Does he not value equal voting rights for every citizen?

3. Against humane treatment for immigrants and

6 n May 23, 2019

against an increase of the Homeland Security Agency’s ability to control the borders. Does he not value treating all people with respect, dignity and keeping families together?

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4. Against allowing transgender military members to continue to serve our country. Does he not value the service our military personnel give to our nation no 4

matter their gender?

5. Against the Violence Against Women Act. Does he not value the lives of victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault?

Rep. Tipton’s votes do not seem to be based on the common values of most Americans who value a strong democracy, a diverse military and a society free from violence of all types. We call on Rep. Tipton to publicly explain his votes on these issues.

– Richard & Rollie Butler, Jane Dunn, Lynne Sholler, Kathie Adkins, Indivisible Durango Civil Rights Committee

No wilderness ifs, &s or chainsaws To the editor, I want to express my extreme dismay at the recent Forest Service decision to allow the use of chainsaws in the Weminuche and South San Juan wildernesses – a decision that was made without any public input or comment time. This decision is entirely at odds with the wilderness designation: section 4(c) allows no motorized equipment within the wilderness boundaries, except in the case of an emergency. This is not an emergency!

The Wilderness Act was put into place to protect the rugged and quiet character of these iconic places. Making the use of chainsaws available would not only create an unhealthy precedent, it would degrade the Wilderness character.

There have been dead spruce in these forests before, and this situation with the beetle-kill, where the trees need to be cut down and removed to provide trail access, will probably last eight to 10 years. The whole process would be better served if the Forest Service were to hire trail maintenance crews and open wilderness ranger positions and teach them to use cross-cut saws to deal with the dead trees. Particularly where the terrain is very rugged, a chainsaw is a liability.

The Weminuche and the South San Juan wildernesses

deserve the protection afforded them by the Wilderness Act. I urge the Forest Service to do what is right. Do not make any exception to the provisions of that Act. Do not allow chainsaws within the wilderness.

– Adele Riffe, Hesperus

Turning democracy into autocracy To the editor, 1. Use voter suppression, invite the help of a ruthless foreign power, and have a little luck to ensure that an aspiring despot gifted in the art of demagoguery becomes the chief executive.

2. Contrive to elect a majority of members of the upper legislative body who are willing to confirm the aspiring despot’s nominations of politically compliant judges and cabinet members, including, most importantly, the nation’s chief law enforcement officer.

3. Lie so often that the public gets used to it and treats it as normal.

4. Flout the law in every instance in which it’s useful to do so.

5. Create false domestic and foreign emergencies to divert public attention from your efforts to convert your country’s democracy into an autocracy.

– Edward Packard, Durango

Defending single-payer health care To the editor, The corporations fighting against Medicare for All are powerful and well-funded. Drugmakers, insurance companies and private hospitals have banded together, calling themselves the Partnership for America’s Health Care Future. Spending a combined $143 million last year lobbying lawmakers to oppose Medicare for All, this rich and mighty club includes the American Medical Association, Pharmaceutical Research & Manufacturers of America, the Federation of American

telegraph

Hospitals and Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

On the flip side, more doctors now support Medicare for All, even if it means slightly lower salaries. A registered Republican, working at a gene sequencing firm, says that despite growing up a conservative, he never imagined supporting potential “government largesse” like Medicare for All. But now he’s convinced that a single public payer is needed.

“Medicare is, without question, the most reliable, most predictable payer that we deal with,” he said. “And for somebody like me it would be a dream to only have to deal with them. I guess you could count me as proMedicare for All, a sentence I never thought I’d write 15 years ago.”

Private payers make life virtually impossible for smaller providers because they’re in the for-profit game, he said, putting up “an endless set of traps against reimbursement, contracting and other parts of the revenue life cycle that add substantial cost to services and thus increase cost to the consumer.”

Medicare for All would bring reliability and consistency to the current health care mess. Lower prices for our health care will follow.

– Dr. Lauri Costello, Durango

LettersPolicy “We’ll print damned-near anything” The Telegraph prides itself on a liberal letters policy. We offer this forum to the public to settle differences, air opinions & undertake healthy discourse. We have only three requests: limit letters to 750 words, letters must be signed by the writer; and thank-you lists and libelous, personal attacks are unwelcome. Send your insights by Tuesday at noon to: PO Box 332, Durango, 81302 or e-mail your profundities to: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com. Let the games begin ...

May 23, 2019 n 7

TopStory

Riders on the storm Iron Horse rolls into unknown territory, as Purg makes historic summer opening

by Tracy Chamberlin

T

his weekend marks the start of summer for most people across the country. In the Southwest, however, it feels more like the winter that never ends. With an epic snowpack sitting at nearly 250 percent of average and a historically wet May, no matter what happens over Memorial Day weekend, it will be one for the record books.

Detours ahead Iron Horse Director Gaige Sippy said when he started heading up the event 13 years ago, the paperwork required to put the Iron Horse together – including permits and insurance – could have been tacked together with one staple.

Today, the stack is an inch and a half thick. “It’s just the way of the world,” he added. As the town continues to grow, Sippy explained, it becomes more and more difficult to host events downtown. With that in mind, organizers decided this year to move everything to Buckley Park, which will serve as the overall base of operations for most activities, like the start/finish line for some races, Kids Village, and kickoff party. For a complete list of events, check out the Iron Horse calendar on page 21.

“I don’t remember a year when this much snow was still on the sides of the road,” Gaige Sippy, director of the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic, said. “We may not see this for another 48 years.”

Not only are conditions going to be unique for cyclists registered for the 48th annual Iron Horse Bicycle Classic this weekend, it’ll be the first time in history that those finishing the Quarter Horse race at Purgatory will be able to lock up their bikes, slap on some skis and hit the slopes. “That tells you what kind of spring we’re having,” he added.

Never before has Purgatory been open for winter operations on Memorial Day weekend. With more than 360

8 n May 23, 2019

In years past, including 2011 pictured above, the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic has had plenty of snow-capped mountains as part of the backdrop. This year, though, is likely to have more than most years./Photo by Stephen Eginoire inches this season – including an extra foot that fell in just the past couple days – the resort hasn’t enjoyed this much snow since the 1970s.

The only two seasons with more were in 1974-75 when the ski area logged 462 inches, and 1978-79 when they had a record 489 inches.

Of course, all that snow brings its own challenges. According to the resort’s Director of Mountain Operations Sam Williams, safety was the biggest.

He said the top concern this season was dealing with avalanche danger while taking guests out in the backcountry as part of the resort’s Snowcat Adventures. Potential slides and sloughs were even an issue within the ski area boundaries. In fact, the resort’s regular opening times were delayed on occasion due to mitigation.

But it’s a trade-off Williams is fine with. “I would rather have too much snow than not enough,” he said.

Also on the plus-side of having record snowfall, Purgatory was able to stay open until May 4. The first weekend in May helped the resort make history, and officials celebrated being open in May for the first time ever with t-shirt giveaways and about 1,000 guests.

Most people figured that was the end of the season –

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but, not everyone.

“We kind of knew at some point we might reopen,” Stacey Glaser, marketing director for Mountain Capital Partners, Purgatory’s parent company, admitted. “James (Coleman) never stops thinking about winter, and neither do we.”

The plan for this weekend is to run Lift 1 on the resort’s frontside for those interested in hitting the slopes and for scenic rides. The runs expected to be open to skiers and boarders include What, Lower Mercy, Westfork, Sa’s Psyche, El Diablo, Demon and the Pitchfork Terrain Park.

In the base area, most of the summer offerings will be available, including the zip line, bungee trampoline, ropes course, treasure panning, gyro chair and bouncy house. In addition, guests will also be able to take a ride on the Inferno Mountain Coaster.

The coaster was meant to be a year-round offering at Purg, but with all this year’s snow – and several attempts to dig it out by employees – Williams said they decided to stop fighting Mother Nature and closed the coaster in mid-January. It reopens this Saturday to celebrate the start of “summer.”

Glaser said things at Purgatory are going to look very different to years past. “We have so much snow on the mountain,” she explained. 4

The mid-mountain depth sits at about 4 feet, and some summer amenities are still buried in snow.

The bike park likely won’t open until mid-June when things begin to melt. In addition, employees can’t even start putting the Alpine Slide together because the snowcats need access to groom the slopes.

In spite of the challenges, Glaser said everyone’s excited and proud to be a part of it all.

“It’s so exciting to be skiing in May,” she added.

“It’s been an incredible season.”

While it may be one for the record books at Purgatory, it’s not the first time Iron Horse organizers have had to plow through snow to put on their event.

In years past, the Iron Horse has been forced to move the finish line to Purgatory several times because it wasn’t safe for riders to traverse the mountain passes to Silverton. In 2014, they even canceled the event. There have also been times when the temperatures were so cold organizers had buses parked along the route so riders could warm up.

This year as the competitors wind their way through the San Juans, they could again face extreme cold, howling winds, snowfall, rainfall or maybe even sunny skies. The trick for Iron Horse organizers is having contingency plans in place for whatever Mother Nature might throw at them.

“While this is a challenge, I think it’s a welcome

challenge,” Sippy explained.

In an effort to be as prepared as possible, they’ve hired a meteorologist with Open Snow to track the weather patterns along the race’s main route. As the race nears, they’ll take additional steps and in the early dawn hours Saturday, Sippy said, state patrollers will head up to Coal Bank and Molas to check out road conditions.

If things are unsafe, they’ll implement Plan B and move the finish line to Purgatory. If things are sketchy along the road to the resort, the event might have to be canceled. At this point, however, it appears likely there will be a window of sunny skies, no moisture, and warmer temperatures starting Friday morning and lasting until Sunday – the last day of the event.

“Mother Nature can trick you, so we don’t like to pull the trigger until it’s time,” Sippy said.

As of presstime, the only change Iron Horse organizers have made is altering the route for cyclists coming into the Quarter Horse finish line. In an effort to keep some distance between the bicycles and vehicles heading into Purgatory, riders will pass the resort’s main entrance and enter just down the highway at its secondary one. For the latest weather updates on the Iron Horse, check out the weather tab at www.ironhorsebicycleclassic.com. n

About 8 inches of snow fell at Purgatory Resort on Monday, pictured above. Storms are expected through Thursday, then sunny skies over the weekend and storms again starting Monday./Courtesy photo

Equal ranks: Iron Horse offers same prize for men’s, women’s pro races Officials recently announced, for the first time ever, the prize money split between the top 10 riders in the men’s and women’s pro divisions for the 48th annual Iron Horse Bicycle Classic will be the same. Because the event is registrationbased rather than sponsorship-based, the purses have depended upon the number of riders registered in each division.

With fewer women entering, it meant they often had less prize money – even with organizers offering a purse in the

pro women’s division that’s exceeded registration numbers for the past several years. After several professional women cyclists and others from the Durango area came together to campaign for equal purses, Iron Horse officials made it happen this year. Iron Horse Director Gaige Sippy said while he thinks it’s a good thing to offer the equal purse amounts, what really needs to happen is a push to get more women out on bikes and competing. This year, he explained, 79 men

and nine women are registered for the professional road race to Silverton. Over the past several years, when taking his own daughter to cycling events, Sippy said he’s noticed things are starting to change. “I’m seeing more and more young girls getting into it,” he added. “Let’s start working hard on getting more women involved in cycling.”

– Tracy Chamberlin

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May 23, 2019 n 9

10 n May 23, 2019

telegraph

MountainTownNews Chasing the 100 percent renewable goal FRISCO – Frisco has now set a goal of 100 percent renewable energy. But unlike some other resolutions, this one isn’t purely aspirational. It’s swimming with a strong current.

With the resolution adopted last week by the town council, Frisco joins 10 other Colorado towns and cities, plus Pueblo and Summit counties, in adopting 100 percent goals.

The goal is to get the municipality’s electricity to 100 percent renewable by 2025 and the community altogether by 2035. The resolution specifies this goal is for electricity only.

Decarbonizing electricity will be far easier than transportation, and transportation far easier than buildings. Many see carbon-free electricity as being crucial to both, a concept called “beneficial electrification.”

Electricity for Frisco comes from Xcel Energy, an investor-owned utility making giant steps toward decarbonizing its power supply.

Xcel first announced plans to close its work-horse power plants early to take advantage of now-cheap wind and solar plus what will be the largest battery storage project east of the Rocky Mountains.

All this will be accomplished by 2026 and put Xcel at 55 percent renewable generation in Colorado.

In December, a week after Frisco launched the resolution, Xcel announced further steps, an 80 percent reduction in carbon dioxide emissions by 2030. By 2050, the company vows to be 100 percent “carbon free.”

Frisco’s non-binding goals were triggered by Fran Long, who is retired and living in Frisco. For eight years he worked at Xcel, helping to shape its response to the declining prices of renewables. He also helped Breckenridge put together its goal for 100 percent renewables.

A task force led by Long identified a three-pronged approach.

First, the city government must lead by example. The resolution calls for the town to spend $25,000 - $50,000 annually during the next several years to improve energy efficiency in its municipal facilities. Then, through an Xcel program called Renewable Connect, it can pay an added cost to say it uses 100 percent electricity from renewable sources.

Beyond that, Frisco wants to work with high-end businesses to encourage buying from solar gardens or other options that allow them to proclaim 100 percent renewable energy. The task force also recommends a marketing program directed to homes and smaller businesses.

Goals of 100 percent renewables are problematic. Aspen Electric, which serves about two-thirds of the town, had secured enough wind and hydro, mostly from distant locations, to allow it to proclaim 100 percent renewables by 2015. However, some of those electrons almost certainly originated in coal or gas. That doesn’t make Aspen’s claim wrong. But the fact remains that nobody has figured out how, at least at an affordable cost, to deliver 100 percent clean energy on a broad basis.

Xcel Energy, which supplies more than 60 percent of electricity in Colorado, has a taller challenge. But it is a very different utility than it was in 2004, when it heavily advertised to oppose a mandate that it would have to achieve 10 percent of its electricity from renewable sources by 2020.

It lost the election, though, and Xcel set out to comply. Integrating renewables proved far easier than feared, and Xcel has now more than doubled the original mandate. Wind delivers 82 percent of that, with another 18 percent coming from solar.

The company has become steadily more proficient at juggling different intermittent power supplies while ensuring lights and computers stay on. This is partly the result of practice but also from technological advances, like improved weather forecasting, according to an Energy News Network story published in March.

For example, a Boulder company, Global Weather corporation, projects wind – and hence electrical production –from turbines 10 days out. It updates every 15 minutes.

Forecasts have become so good, said John T. Welch, director of power operations for Xcel in Colorado, that the utility uses 95-98 percent of the electricity generated by turbines. This has allowed the company to use coal and natural gas less. Too, prices of wind and solar, which declined slowly at first, have dropped dramatically.

Xcel is comfortable it will be able to reach the 80 percent carbon reduction by 2030.

But when announcing its goal of emissions-free energy by mid-

century, the company’s Minneapolis-based Chief Executive Ben Fowke freely admitted he had no idea how Xcel will achieve it. Everything is on the table, including nuclear and fossil fuels, if the carbon dioxide can be sequestered. So far, such technology has proven prohibitively expensive despite billions of dollars in federal support.

Xcel’s Welch told Energy News Network that he believes solar must play a larger role. But first, storage technology must improve.

Batteries that can store large amounts of electricity for months will be needed. Wind is plentiful in spring but not so much in summer, when air conditioners crank up.

Increased sharing of cheap renewables among utilities will also allow help. Western states and Canadian provinces are all on one grid, but the different parts are Balkanized. In other words, California is largely its own energy-balancing authority. Ditto for Colorado and the Pacific Northwest. If they were all orchestrated, however, electricity supplies and demands could more easily be matched. California’s surplus of solar, for example, might be moved to Colorado.

Colorado legislators in May adopted a bill that requires the state’s Public Utilities Commission to begin studying an energy imbalance market or regional transmission organization.

Cutthroats losing purity to rainbows JACKSON, Wyo. – A fish known as a “cutbow” has become more common in the South Fork of the Snake River, the result of hybridization of the native cutthroat and the immigrant rainbow trout.

Wildlife managers are trying to get rid of both the rainbows and the hybrids. It’s a challenge, given how much the rainbow have proliferated, with an estimated 90,000 rainbow and hybrids in the river now.

The Jackson Hole News&Guide reports that the Idaho Department of Fish and Wildlife wants to immobilize 5,000 rainbows with electricity this spring, then move them to fishing ponds where they will be caught and eaten.

It would help if anglers in the river took the fish home to eat, too. But not many do. “It’s a hard sell,” explains Justin Hays, who has 32 licensed guides plying the river’s waters from the Lodge at Palisades Creek. Only a quarter of the guides encourage the clients to kill the rainbows and hybrids they catch.

“We are a business that provides memories of moments for people. Killing a fish is not the memory that gets those guests to come back,” he said.

The Yellowstone River originates in Yellowstone National Park at the confluence of three small creeks. Inside the park, cutthroat thrive. They used to thrive downstream, after the river has passed through Jackson and into Idaho. But in the last 20 years rainbows have taken over.

Paul Bruun, a fishing columnist in the News&Guide, said cutthroats tend to indiscriminately go for dry flies off the river’s surface, making it the “Yankee Stadium of fishing.”

The News&Guide’s Mike Koshmrl explains that anglers revere rainbow because they’re hard-charging and high-flying. They’re also adaptable, now found in every state outside Florida. As recently as the 1980s, they were being stocked into the South Fork of the Snake in Idaho by the same wildlife agencies who are now trying to remove them.

Cutthroat were proposed for protected status under the Endangered Species Act in the early 2000s. The subspecies endemic to the Northern Rockies exists today in only about a third of its historic range.

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Student sentenced to write civility essay PARK CITY, Utah – A juvenile court has ordered a student at Park City High School to write an essay about civility after finding the boy guilty of criminal mischief, a third-degree felony, as well as two misdemeanors.

The student released pepper spray in the school’s lecture hall in April to prevent a school club, Turning Point, a chapter of the conservative nonprofit, from hosting a speaker.

The meeting was relocated to a middle school. Medical personnel treated 14 people, and one person was hospitalized, reports The Park Record.

The judge also ordered the boy pay costs of cleaning up the lecture hall and the uninsured’s cost of hospitalization. Too, he will have 100 hours of community service.

– Allen Best

telegraph

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May 23, 2019 n 11

LocalNews

More than skin deep Mother’s Alzheimers leads holistic practitioner on path of natural healing

by Missy Votel

W

e all know we are what we eat. But what about the stuff we slather, lather, smooth and splatter on our skin? Should we trust ingredient lists a mile long that contain unpronounceable words like “sodium lauryl sulfate,” “methylparaben,” “butylated hydroxyanisole” and “phenylenediamine?”

The answer for local holistic medicine practitioner and nutritionist Jenny Diehl – and countless others like her – is an unequivocal “no.”

“We have 22 feet of skin wrapped around us,” she said.

“Our skin is our largest organ. Everything we put on our skin goes directly into our bloodstream.”

Yep. Those above-mentioned tongue-twisting chemicals – which can contain everything from coal tar and petroleum byproducts – can be found in a bevy of off-the-shelf skin products. But they’re also increasingly being linked to a bevy of maladies, from messing with our hormones and allergies to immune and reproductive impairment to the Big C. And lest you think the Federal Food and Drug Administration is any help, think again.

“The cosmetics industry is a $62 billion industry, and it’s not regulated by the FDA,” Diehl said. “There are more than 80,000 chemicals in our supply system. We’re the guinea pigs it’s tested on.”

But, Diehl – a mother of two – decided a few years ago she was done being the guinea pig. “I threw out everything in my house,” she said. However, when she started looking for items free of suspect chemicals, she had a hard time. “I couldn’t find products that fit my standards,” she said. “So I just started making my own stuff, from cleaners to soaps and lotions. I realized, I could make everything!”

She began giving items she made to friends and family, and before long, she had a good little side gig going. “I found I had this passion I didn’t even know I had,” she said. “I loved that I could educate people.”

Little did Diehl know that her side gig would soon blossom into a full-fledged business. Last November, Diehl officially launched Cura.Te (meaning “cure yourself” in Latin), a line of organic, all-natural products for the home, bath and body. Everything the company makes, from tooth powder and deodorant to laundry detergent, is made locally at the River Bend Ranch, which she and her husband bought in 2017. Although not available in local stores (yet), she has an online store (curateforlife.com) and makes local deliveries.

In addition to being USDA certified organic, everything comes in recycled packaging or glass containers. (All except

12 n May 23, 2019

Above: Jenny Diehl examines lavendar to be used in her skin-care products. Left: All of the products are organically sourced and made locally./ Photo by Stephen Eginoire the deodorant and lip lube, which come in plastic because she has not been able to find a suitable substitute.) She will also gladly refill containers for people who stop by her shop.

Although the company is relatively new, Diehl’s journey

telegraph

began nearly 17 years ago. In 2002, Diehl’s mother, at the age of 55, was diagnosed with early-onset alzheimers. “The next five years became a living nightmare for my family and I as we watched her slowly deteriorate into a vegetative state and die at the age of 59 at 66 pounds,” Diehl recalled.

After her mom’s death, Diehl, who is from Texas, began to delve into possible explanations for her mother’s disease.

“Losing my mother was very hard. It made me question why did that happen? How did that happen? And what can I do to prevent it from happening to me and my siblings?” she recalled.

Around the same time, Diehl had started a family of her own, and with two young children, the need for answers intensified. “I began wondering, why is there more disease happening in our culture?” she said.

Eventually, her quest led her back to school, where she became board certified in holistic medicine. “I learned about the correlation between toxins, chemicals and disease,” she said. “It led us to totally change our lifestyle.”

For example, she learned that aluminum, long implicated in breast cancer and alzheimer’s, is in virtually everything, from antiperspirant to canned foods and even baby formula. In addition, of the more than 1,500 substances that are banned from food and body products in the European Union, only 11 are banned in the United States.

“I learned about all these connections and looked back at my mom’s life, and there were so many tell-tale signs,” she said. “A lot of these manmade chemicals our bodies are not meant to break down.”

From there, Diehl began coaching people who wanted to heal naturally from disease, including diabetes, cancer and autoimmune disorders. For the next few years, she jumped around between California, Texas and Colorado caring for an ailing grandfather. After his passing, she and her family settled in Durango, a place they had often visited and grown to love. It was here – after a harrowing summer in the shadow of the 416 Fire – that she eventually became settled enough to finally launch her business. She now has a line of 65 products that she ships all over the world.

But her biggest realization through it all is that people need to take control of their health, do their research and ask questions about what they are putting into – and on – their bodies. She said this is where the name “Cura.te” came from.

“Really, if we don’t care for ourselves, we won’t be able to take care of the people we love,” she said.

And most of all, it shows Diehl that her’s, and her mother’s, suffering weren’t all for naught.

“It’s turned into something beautiful.” n

yocal presented by

How to train like a local

A LOCAL’S GUIDE TO RIDING THE IRON HORSE

I

caught myself calling my bicycle “my baby” to someone the other day. As in, I care for my bicycle as much as someone cares for their actual baby.

Was this a bit of a hyperbole? Yeah, probably. But giving an inanimate object the same credentials as someone’s child might be O.K. when you’ve emptied out your bank account for it and have a mild panic attack whenever a stranger reaches for a touch.

My bicycle is akin to my child because we’ve been through so much together. It has transported me to first dates and back home from breakups. To job interviews, and last days of work. It’s taken me home from the bars, to meetings, weddings, and hundreds of job sites, and has transported everything from my groceries to camping necessities.

One time, I loaded up an entire party’s worth of beer in my bicycle bags, and they didn’t even explode.

I’ve ridden in torrential thunderstorms, winds, and snow. Ridden in dresses, costumes, and high heels. Avoided pot holes, humans, dogs, deer, and even a baby bear.

So yeah, my bicycle is pretty close to “my baby” because we’ve seen it all and I really don’t know what I’d do without it. Perhaps this is dramatic, but if it were to ever be lost or stolen, I can promise you that when I’m done ugly crying about it, I will put its picture on the side of any milk carton I can find.

What I probably won’t ever do with my bicycle though is race it. I’ve never had any desire to pin a number on lycra or pass by anyone on my bike without an exchange of pleasantries. I don’t want to stand on a podium, although I would love to spray a bunch of champaigne on people. So you probably won’t find me racing the train this weekend during the Iron Horse. Where you will find me though, is standing at the sidelines cheering for all my friends, with a non-exploding beer in hand and “my baby” nearby.

HOW TO GET READY FOR THE IRON HORSE LIKE A LOCAL Flip through a magazine at the dentist’s office and see a photo of a cyclist.

Think, that person is super fit, I want to be that person! Go home and find your old bicycle from eons ago, dust it off, and go get a tune up.

Local recommendations: Mountain Bike Specialists, Durango Cyclery, 2nd Ave. Sports, Pedal the Peaks, San Juan Cycles Walk around the bike shop while your bike is getting tuned, but get distracted by that shiny new bicycle over in the corner. See five more bikes that you have to have and then test ride all of them. Pull out your checkbook to buy all six but then remember that trip to Hawaii you promised your family. How mad would they be if Hawaii was canceled?

Local recommendations for money talk: To the Penny, Tafoya Barrett and Associates, Priority Financial Partners, Fredrick Zink & Associates Decide to buy just one bicycle instead of all six and plan a 40 mile ride on your brand new bike that very day. Make it five miles to Ska Brewing, hang up your bike on a rack and have a beer.

Local recommendations for that bike rack: PutUp Bike Racks Local Recommendation for lunch: The Container at Ska After you have a few beers, decide that you’re ready to race the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic because you’re a professional cyclist now, and that’s what all the pros do. Check the weather for Iron Horse weekend and note that it will be snowing like it tends to every year.

Local recommendations for jackets: Pine Needle Dry Goods, Backcountry Experience, Durango Outdoor Exchange Ride the race even though you never really trained for it.

Local recommendations for post ride body work: Thrive Chiropractic, Wellspring Acupuncture & Oriental Medicine, Hope Chiropractic, Absolute Physical Therapy Local recommendations for post ride feast: The Roost, The Red Snapper, The Ore House

-JENNAYE DERGE

13

Zia Taqueria

LOCAL RESTAURANT SERVES UP FRESH FOOD MADE WITH LOVE

Zia is a huge supporter of local farmers, why is this so important to you and everyone else?

Keeping money local is critical for our economy. Our customers have chosen to support a local business, and it’s our obligation to spend that money on local products.

Local food decreases the carbon footprint associated with food transport. It’s generally organic and supports healthy soils and ecosystems. It’s fresher and more nutrient dense. Supporting local food means supporting local farmers, ranchers, food producers, and their families.

Zia’s managment team holding up a fresh plate of chile rellenos / Monique DiGiorgio

Zia has been a staple in Durango for a long time, what makes Zia such a favorite in our community?

For the most part, it’s pretty simple, and it all comes down to our mission: offer good food at reasonable prices. Our menu is flexible, so everyone can get something they love that fits their dietary needs – including little kids – without spending a fortune.

Beyond that, we think the community likes to support local business that gives back, so we do a lot of that. People like to eat food they feel good about, and we work hard to source quality, local, non-GMO, organic products whenever possible. We make everything from scratch. You can feel good about the quality and nutritional profile of what you are getting at Zia.

What does our local scene and “community” mean to you?

We try not to lose sight of the fact that our employees, customers, friends, neighbors, and beneficiaries are all the same people. We give back to people and organizations doing great things in this community because we are thankful for the loyalty that our locals have shown us for the past 14 years.

Why is your food SO GOOD?? I mean, really, it’s so good.

Because it’s made from premium ingredients - with LOVE! Seriously.

Do you want to talk about the new location? I’m sure everyone has burning ears!

Yes! We plan to break ground on a mixed use building next month. We hope to have Zia open in our new location by Summer of 2020. The building features a new home for Zia with patio seating, a rooftop bar & patio space, indoor meeting space, a San Juan Smiles office on the second floor, and two retail units on the ground floor (currently available for lease). Our hope is to keep our current location on North Main for another Fast-Casual concept: details to be determined.

Zia North 3101 Main Avenue Ph. (970) 247-3355 Open 7 Days a Week!

11 AM - 9 PM

Zia South 400 S. Camino del Rio Ph. (970) 247-1002 Open 7 Days a Week!

10:30 AM - 9 PM

www.ziataqueria.com

14

Five Star Review LOCAL FIRST REVIEWS LOCAL BUSINESSES

C

ommitment has always been an issue for me so when my friend coerced me into committing to ride the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic, there was definitely a moment of panic. But the only thing that is greater than my fear of commitment is my love for my friend, so I dug out my lycra, got up off the couch and started to train.

T

Training off the couch works really well for me because it doesn’t take much commitment, but it’s really terrible for my body.

Everything hurt: my legs, head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Truly, I don’t think I’d felt so much pain in my life. I needed to do something and do it fast.

The last thing I would have guessed to save me was not to hurry up and find a fast fix but to slow down, take 90 minutes out of my day to let my body float. salt 360 float studio was literally the best commitment I ever made, and it wasn’t even that much of a commitment.

My family and I go to the Four Corners every year to get outside, explore the area, and go on a grand adventure. With this winter and spring being the way it has been, we were really trying to be up for anything: backpacking, skiing, rafting, biking. It was all on the agenda because that’s the beautiful thing about Southwest Colorado; if you can, sometimes you just have to do it all.

I hobbled to my appointment and into the relaxing studio. The friendly staff eased any anxiety that I might have had about my new experience and explained to me how the unique process worked; how taking away all outside stimulants can help me to not only turn off my mind but also completely allow my muscles and bones to relax, something that can’t be done in any other environment.

The pool itself was a little intimidating because let’s face it, it’s pitch black, but once I stepped into the 95-degree water, I realized it was only 12 inches deep, and it was easy to move around, orient myself, or open the door if I needed to.

So, I asked a few locals where the best place is to go for good replacement jackets and clothing for any occasion and their answers across the board were Pine Needle Dry Goods. Apparently this downtown shop not only distributes the biggest selection of Patagonia products in the area, but they also focus on bigger issues such as the environment and giving back to the Durango community.

It felt so amazing to be in a clean space where I could totally let go of any distractions; any awareness of outside life was gone and I fell into a deep meditative state. The 90 minutes flew by and when it was over, my previously tense muscles and my aching bones were gone and on top of that, I wasn’t feeling anxious about the Iron Horse race anymore.

I later learned from the staff that studies have shown that the combination of reduced sensory and gravity along with the magnesium-rich Epsom salt creates a unique environment that promote stress relief, pain relief, prevents sports injuries and improves healing ability. On top of that, it also opens up your mind for creative space, helps your ability to focus, reduces fatigue, improves sleep, and the immune system. So, it’s basically like taking a sustained miracle bath, which is exactly what I needed for both my aching body, but also my commitment issues.

I’ll definitely be going back post-Iron Horse race when I’ll inevitably be stiff as a board and in need of a miracle.

he other day I put my car keys in the refrigerator and then spent all morning retracing my steps back to the grocery store to try to find them, so it wasn’t a total surprise when I left an entire bag full of necessities for a weekend river trip to Durango at home.

But not when you left all your clothes at home, and I mean pretty much everything.

This was a huge seller for us, so we went into the conveniently located shop and were greeted by friendly staff and shop dog, Tilly, too. The woman who helped us out was very friendly and knowledgeable about each and every one of the products including all the locally made earrings, wallets, and other gift items that were perfect for our friends back home. We were able to easily pick out everything we needed for our weekend trip including swimsuits for the whole family, jackets, sweaters, and another Patagonia suitcase to put it all in. Truly, the only hard part was not buying everything I wanted, but knew I didn’t need, because knowing me, I would have just put whatever trail running accessory, or yoga pants that I had to have into our camping cooler and left it all there in Durango. If anyone finds a missing pair of sunglasses, please find me.

15

Be Local Coupon of the Month CELEBRATE THE IRON HORSE LOCALLY! (EVEN IF YOU JUST NOW DECIDED TO RIDE THE IRON HORSE..WHICH MEANS YOU’LL PROBABLY NEED A TUNE)

Know someone who is doing great things in the community?

Nominate them to be interviewed on BE LOCAL RADIO! Email director@local-first.org with the person's name and email.

Thursday mornings on KDUR 91.9FM & 93.9 FM | Listen live at KDUR.org

ABSOLUTE PHYSICAL THERAPY & WELLNESS

Find this coupon on page 191 of the Be Local Coupon Book sold at local retailers!

DURANGO, COLORADO

We pride ourselves on our individualized patient care and personalized treatment plans. Our therapists combine hands on techniques with home exercise programs for each patient. Let us help you get back to your life.

ABSOLUTE PHYSICAL THERAPY & WELLNESS

www.AbsolutePTWell.com

The Durango Farmers Market will be bringing you fresh local food, high quality artisan goods, live music and the best community experience around EVERY Saturday from 8 am to 12 noon in the parking lot of TBK Bank, across from the Transit Center. Find us on Facebook and Instagram!

DURANGO FARMERS MARKET

www.DurangoFarmersMarket.com

The Yocalistas Content Creator - Jennaye Derge Queen Whip Snapper - Monique DiGiorgio Empress of Grammar - Lisa Mastny Local First’s Localistas Kiki Hooton Hayley Kirkman

Listen to past episodes at

LOCAL-FIRST.ORG

AlpenglowProperties

Locally-owned full service real estate brokerage specializing in residential and commercial property sales/leasing. We pride ourselves on high-energy "outside the box” marketing creativity. Whether you’re looking for your new home or your next business space, we would love the opportunity to shine light on your greatest investment.

ALPENGLOW PROPERTIES

www.AlpenglowProperties.com

Adopt, shop, donate, foster, volunteer, become a member or corporate sponsor.

Now offering low cost spay & neuter clinics! All proceeds benefit the animals (and humans) in our community. Help us, help them, one paw (and foot) at a time.

LA PLATA COUNTY HUMANE SOCIETY

www.LPCHumaneSociety.org

Myah Mindfulness with Myoung Lee Certified Mindfulness Teacher & Trained Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher Offerings: Mindfulness Classes, Workshops for Individuals and Organizations, and Oneon-One Coaching Sessions. Now Accepting New Clients! Call 970.946.5379 or email myahmindfulness@gmail.com for more info.

MYAH MINDFULNESS

Enjoy casual dining in a fun, downtown location. Generous portions served by a friendly staff. Interactive Fun: Tuesday night: Trivia, Wednesday night: Open Mic, & Thursday night: Beer Bingo. Open at 4 PM, Tuesday through Saturday.

THE ROOST

www.Facebook.com/MyahMindfulness

www.Facebook.com/TheRoostDurango

Toh-Atin offers you the finest Native American art, jewelry, Navajo weavings, pottery and more. For 62 years, TohAtin Gallery has been supporting Native American artists and bringing their fabulous and authentic creations to the people of Durango.

Your independent, locally-owned Direct Primary Care clinic providing personalized, affordable and accessible medical care to individuals of all ages. Innovative health benefit plans available for businesses.

Dan Schaefer, MD and Karassa Yeomans Schaefer, PAC. Call 970-259-1971.

Visit LOCAL-FIRST.ORG to learn more about Local First!

Interested in featuring your local business in Yocal?

Email: jennaye@local-first.org

TOH-ATIN GALLERY

www.Toh-Atin.com

16

WHOLE HEALTH FAMILY MEDICINE

www.WholeHealthFamilyMedicine.com

dayinthelife

Cyclists of the Iron Horse: A Field Guide Photos by Stephen Eginoire

I

t’s everyone’s favorite bike-frenzied weekend, the 48th annual Iron Horse Bicycle Classic! With an ever widening genus of participants, here are a few of the more common, as well as rare cyclists (or is it cyclers?) you just may be lucky enough to observe thriving in

their natural habitat. Respecting the privacy of these exceptional athletes is crucial so as to not disturb their behavior prior to or during race day. To comply with ethics of modern observation techniques, the identities of the featured individuals have been lightly obscured.

Behold: the cunning and elusive red Ned. Best observed with a quality pair of binoculars, you just may be lucky enough to catch the gleaming teeth and outstretched arms of this one-of-a-kind specimen. Easily confused with more aggressive, non-native species with similar markings and patterns, it is best not to approach a Ned unless absolutely sure it has been identified correctly.

This bizarre and extremely rare creature is a male one-rimmed bearded ginger. It’s outstretched arms are typically utilized for balance rather than announcing victories, making a humble sight for observers. It has been debated whether the flag is a defense mechanism to detract would-be predators or to attract potential mates.

Here, we have a juvenile Durango ripper. Adorable as can be, don’t let this little guy fool you. Juvenile rippers quickly surpass most others’ ability levels, including parents, before the age of 10.

Frothing toward the finish line, the Southwestern crowned spinner is fast and takes no prisoners. Observers beware, as it’s not uncommon for onlookers to get taken out while standing too close.

telegraph

May 23, 2019 n 17

GoodEats

One nation, under ranch The evolution of the simultaneously reviled and revered American condiment

by Donna Hewett

L

ast February, a 19-year-old Iowan interrupted presidential hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand as she addressed a crowd at the Airliner restaurant in Iowa City. The student, on a mission, suddenly found herself blinded by blinking cameras. She paused, being polite, and apologized.

“Sorry ma’am; I’m just trying to get some ranch.”

And just like that, a heroine was born. Dubbed Ranch Girl, Hanna Kinney accidentally introduced the world to the 2020 Ranch movement.

Since it was invented on a California dude ranch in 1954, the creamy cool condiment is something ranch dressing eaters can’t seem to live life without.

“I don’t just use ranch,” slobbered one young fanatic, “I abuse it!” On pizza crusts? Oh, yeah, bra. Chicken wings. Fries. Grilled cheese. Spaghetti. Salad? Make it soup.

Ranch dressing’s always been thought of as excessive and trashy, only now it’s also Zesty and Blasted. Some consider it the pinnacle of American culinary achievement; the most brilliant recipe ever created, after CocaCola, of course, and ketchup. Ranch is bae (beyond anything else).

We all secretly love it, right? The movement now is to ‘fess up. Admit your never-ending commitment to a confabulation that some from an earlier generation consider … smelly.

“F*** ranch shame” is a new phrase found on the internet. It’s a cute reflection on how loyalty for a “dip” is so universal that some seem to consider it the fourth food group (it’s not). The plebeian taste has invaded the upper classes. So go ahead, reader, share in the new, ironic appreciation for the anti-intellectual condiment turned earnest.

For this, we can thank Generation Z – or is it the Woke Generation – born on and upward of 1997. Whatever you call them, they’re a nostalgic group, obsessed, it seems, with “Getting back to the ranch.”

But, love it or loath it (there’s no in-between), ranch dressing has inspired a fandom over the years beyond imagination. To mention a few: ranch-flavored toothpicks and dental floss, taco shells, sunflower seeds and popcorn. There are even ranch-scented candles. HV Ranch logos are a fashionable request at tattoo parlors.

The Food Network added a new “Ranch Expert” to its line-up of chefs.

A four-tiered Hidden Valley Ranch fountain doesn’t sound that crazy for, say, your cousin’s buddy’s upcoming

18 n May 23, 2019

shotgun wedding. Or how about a cold keg of HV, now available on special order? Hidden Valley sells nearly 50 varieties of the overpowering gunk to more than one third of the public. How many outdated bottles do you have stashed on the side of your fridge?

It all started with Steve (aka Ken) Henson, a plumber who grew up in the Depression in the small town of Thayer, Neb. Working in the Anchorage bush as a construction worker, he also played occasional cook for the crew. His challenge: Calm and charm the hungry men pissed and annoyed when presented with salad for dinner. That’s when inspiration hit, and an early version of his ubiquitous dressing was born (around 1950). The guys in Alaska couldn’t eat enough of it. Buttermilk, sour cream and dried herbs whipped creamy was a taste soon to become as iconic as, well, the iceberg lettuce it dressed.

Henson relocated to California with his wife, where they bought a ramshackle property above Santa Barbara called Sweetwater Ranch, which they renamed Hidden Valley Ranch. It became a consortium: nightclub, motel and dude ranch. Lively and loud, it was populated, ironically, by local college kids. The Ranch’s salad dressing soon became a highly coveted to-go item. People piled in line, then carried it home in jars or took the dry version in used envelopes.

In 1972, the Henson family sold Hidden Valley Ranch dressing to Clorox for a cool $8 million. As is today, no person can copyright a recipe. Henson did, however, neglect to trademark the Ranch name. (Oops.)

In the 1970s, ranch dressing stormed salad bars from the West to the Midwest. After 10 years, Clorox finally figured out how to make the dressing shelf stable (which, thankfully, did not include its liquid bleach), and bottled

telegraph

Hidden Valley hit supermarket shelves in 1983. But, according to Abby Reisner, the author of the new cook book Ranch (Dovetail Press), ranch madness didn’t really go national until 1986, with the introduction of Cool Ranch Doritos.

The combination of cream and crunch, a fusion of dip and chip, was to be the determining factor that proved ranch was a seasoning beyond salad.

It started to show up as a dip for fries, chips and chicken wings before making the strange transition to pizza. This is credited to Domino’s, which added chicken wings to its menu in 1994. Packets of HV Ranch were sent along with each order. Wings scarfed, scrofulous Americans dunked their pizza crusts in the left-over sauce, as a sort of second course. While the raunchy combination provoked a sense of sacrilege amongst Italian Americans, the taste combination is now fully normcore.

In fact, ranch, at this very moment, is the Shah Rukh Kahn of serious restaurant kitchens. This modernist passion is being applauded by ambitious chefs all across this country (and in this country only), who not so long ago shunned ranch as they would a turd in a tea glass.

As trendy as ranch has become, it’s certainly not immune to a cement load of contempt. The Washington Post, in 2016, insisted that “Ranch dressing is what’s wrong with America.” Described as too tangy, garlicky and overpowering, “it’s disgusting, and tastes exactly like what it is, which is milk that’s half-way rotten.”

To find out if the new ranch is worth the hoopla, on a recent night we taste-tested one of Hidden Valley’s newly rejiggered recipes, “Simply Ranch.” I can taste the sour cream and herbs from across the room, which is enough to lure me in and keep me there. My neighbor, Hal, loads chip after chip.

“I love this new sh**,” he says, washing his snacks down with soapy German beer as we watch a recent episode of “60 Minutes” on frontal terminal dementia (FTD). And regardless of what my neighbor suggests, ranch dressing does not cause FTD. “But that’s me,” he cries, ticking off his dirty fingers: “I, too, display increasingly inappropriate behavior. A loss of empathy and a lack of judgment … I swear to God, after a lifetime of smearing this crap on anything and everything, I’m done!”

Now fragile, Hal places his licked plate on the counter.

“I’m giving up the ranch.”

I extend my sympathies. It’s a fate for some, worse than death. n

TopShelf

Iron thrones, iron horses, Jewell and Denver

by Chris Aaland

pack all that’s great in American music into one tight little combo. She and her band, led by guitarist Jerry Miller, are rooted any of you have taken a few days to digest the final in the classic rockabilly of the 1950s and ’60s but veer into blues, episode of “Game of Thrones.” I certainly have. It rock, country, folk and even jazz territory with regularity and preseems we were all rooting for our champion to be cision. Her latest album, “Down Hearted Blues,” is nothing short seated upon the Iron Throne once and for all, from the scorned of spectacular, with interpretations of blues classics proving that heroine, Daenerys Targaryen, to the lovable, heroic bastard, Jon rockabilly traces its roots to Memphis R&B and Delta blues as Snow, to the classic villain, Cersei Lannister, to the woman much as it does to Nashville country. scorned, Sansa Stark, to Acclaimed performer the once drunken, now Jim Curry pays homage wise dwarf, Tyrion Lanto John Denver in “Take nister, or some combinaMe Home” at the Commution thereof. Incest was nity Concert Hall at 7:30 fun in Westeros, just like tonight (Thurs., May 23). in modern-day Alabama!

This ain’t no Vegas-style In the end, the crippled tribute, as Curry sings in child from 2010’s very first his own natural voice. It episode, Bran Stark, was just so happens that he elected to the Throne by sounds and looks a lot like rich and entitled rulers of a certain Rocky Mountain noble houses. The origins High guy. It’s Curry’s voice of the Electoral College, that can be heard in the methinks! By this point, CBS movie, “Take Me several main characters Home: The John Denver had been killed off (the seStory.” His appearance, ries averaged 14 deaths per voice and on-stage deepisode, excluding, of meanor takes listeners course, the final battle in back to a time when “Sunwhich Dani’s dragon shine on My Shoulders,” roasted hundreds of thou- KSUT’s spring and summer concert series continues at 7:30 p.m. Friday “Annie’s Song” and “Casands of peasants and de- when Eilen Jewell returns to the Henry Strater Theatre. lypso” topped the charts. stroyed the capital). Bran The messages of caring for was an interesting choice. He was a central figure from the very one another and caring for the earth remain. beginning, having been groomed as an heir to rule the northerly Curry’s concert officially wraps up another solid season at the kingdom of Winterfell before his untimely fall from a tower, Community Concert Hall, although it will hardly go dark this watching, of course, hot and steamy incest. And in the end, his summer, what with sold-out Patty Griffin and Lucinda Williams sort-of-adopted-half-brother-or-not – and fan favorite Snow – was concerts in June and its becoming the primary home for Music in banished to The Wall, a lonesome, desolate hell. Snow, after all, the Mountains in July. That’s right! No thunderstorms drowning had stabbed his most recent love interest, Aunt Dani, Mother of out cellos this summer.

Dragons, through the heart. Roll Tide!

The Animas City Theatre hosts the award-winning, limited-reI present to you a theory that Thrones is as much about the lease film, “Farmer of the Year,” from Friday through here and now as it is a mythical kingdom a long time ago in a Wednesday with a special appearance by one of the movie’s stars, galaxy far, far away. The 21st century sees fascists, dictators and Terry Kiser, at 6 p.m. Friday. Kiser, best known for playing the dedespots ruling much of the earth. Beacons of hope in Europe and ceased namesake in the “Weekend at Bernie’s” series but also a the Americas are trending that way, too. Let’s face it – the handveteran of dozens of classic ‘80s and ‘90s TV shows, will introwriting has been on the wall for these United States since, well, duce the film and host a Q&A afterwards. “Farmer of the Year” is 1776, and for England much longer. the first feature film by the husband-and-wife team of Kathy I’ve read criticisms that compare the demise of Daenerys to Swanson and Vince O’Connell, and also stars Barry Corbin the fall of Hillary Clinton. I’ve seen speculation that the Lannis(“Northern Exposure,” “No Country for Old Men”) and Mackinters were medieval Trumps. Perhaps Snow had Obamaesque quallee Waddell (“Good Christian Belles”). Shot largely in Swanson’s ities. Ned Stark was arguably inspired by John Kennedy. And the tiny Minnesota hometown and at the farm on which she grew Imp? Maybe he’s the sum of all parts, the ultimate moderate. Or, up, the film tells the story of an aging agrarian who, after selling consulting Occum’s razor, Peter Dinklage is simply one of the the farm he’s worked for over 60 years, finds himself useless and greatest actors of our time and shepherded Tyrion to wisdom like adrift. What does he do? Buys a ’73 Winnebago and sets out to Marlon Brando did with Vito Corleone. find his youth in a road trip across America with his equally I do like the fact that enough main characters survived and set adrift granddaughter. It sounds a little like “Travels with Charley” out for parts unknown to leave the door open for future movies meets “Vacation” … at least enough so that I’ll need to plan a or spin-offs. I soldiered on after the endings of “Breaking Bad,” date night this week.

“Oz,” “The Sopranos,” “True Blood” and “The X-Files.” I will surAlso of note: the Robin Davis Duo plays tonight’s Ska-B-Q, vive this, too, just as Gloria Gaynor sang in 1979. starting at 5 p.m. at the World Headquarters in Bodo Park; Kirk Back to the real world. Durango is all about the Iron Horse, James serves up solo blues from 6-8 p.m. tonight at the Dalton not the Iron Throne. Cyclists will pedal, beers will flow and Ranch patio; and the Black Velvet duo of Nina Sasaki and Larry there’s even a few choice concerts and such.

Carver return to the Diamond Belle Saloon at 5:30 p.m. Friday KSUT’s spring and summer concert series continues at 7:30 and the Animas River Beer Garden in the Doubletree Hotel at 5 p.m. Friday when Eilen Jewell returns to the Henry Strater Thep.m. Saturday. atre. She’s become a favorite of our local NPR affiliate, with this All hail King Bran the Broken? Email me at chrisa@gobrainmarking her third trip back in five years. Jewell and her quartet storm.net. n

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onthetown Submit “On the Town” items by Monday at noon to: calendar@durangotelegraph.com

Pierre Restaurant & Wine Bar, 601 Main Ave.

Thursday23

Educational Hike in Sand Canyon, hosted by San Juan Mountains Association, 8:30 a.m.-2 p.m., Canyons of the Ancients National Monument. Register at kathe@sjma.org or 385-1310.

Baby Meetup with Durango Café au Play, 9:30-11:30 a.m., 2307 Columbine. 749-9607.

Take Me Home: The Music of John Denver starring Jim Curry, 7:30 p.m., Community Concert Hall at Fort Lewis College. www.durangoconcerts.com.

“Support the Girls” screening, 7:30 p.m., Sunflower Theatre in Cortez.

Open Mic & Stand-Up, 8 p.m., El Rancho Tavern, 975 Main Ave.

ASA Canoe/Kayak Volunteer Training, 10 a.m.-2 p.m., training also runs May 24-30, Adaptive Sports Association, 125 E. 32nd St. Register at 259-0374 or pro gram@asadurango.com.

Karaoke, 8 p.m.-close, Wild Horse Saloon, 601 E. 2nd Ave.

Drop-in Tennis, 4 p.m., Needham Elementary School, 2425 W. 3rd Ave.

Plursday featuring DJ Spark Madden, 9 p.m.-close, Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Veterans Thursday Afternoon Social Club (VTASC), for veterans, their spouses and supporters, 4-6 p.m., VFW, 1550 Main Ave.

Friday24

Celebration of Mercy’s Family Birth Center and Mothers’ Milk Bank, 4:30 - 5:30 p.m., Mercy Regional Medical Center Conference Rooms A and B. The Robin Davis Duo performs, 5-7 p.m., Ska Brewing, 225 Girard St. Tim Sullivan performs, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave. Sitting Meditation, 5:30-6:15 p.m., Durango Dharma Center, 1800 E. 3rd Ave. Open Mic Night, 6 p.m., Eno Wine Bar, 723 E. 2nd Ave. Kirk James performs, 6-8 p.m., Dalton Ranch Patio.

Bonita Peak Community Advisory Group meets, 6-8:30 p.m., Silverton Town Hall. www.bonitapeakcag.org.

Jose Villarreal performs, 7 p.m., The Office, 699 Main Ave. Gary B. Walker performs, 6:30-8:30 p.m., Jean-

48th annual Iron Horse Bicycle Classic, May 2426. www.ironhorsebicycleclassic.com.

Riverfest, daily events featuring music, fun run & walk, raft rides, kids activities, food, vendors and more, May 24-26, Berg and Animas parks in Farmington. www.farmingtonnm.org/events/riverfest.

Mountain Archery Festival, May 24-26, Purgatory Resort. www.purgatoryresort.com.

Durango Early Bird Toastmasters, 7-8:30 a.m., LPEA, 45 Stewart St. 769-7615.

Free yoga, 8:30-9:30 a.m., Lively Boutique, 809 Main Ave. Mancos State Park Opening Weekend, night sky program, 9 p.m., group picnic area; events continue May 25. 533-7065.

Zumba Gold, 9:30-10:15 a.m., La Plata Senior Center, 2424 Main Ave.

ASA Cycling Volunteer Training, 9:45 a.m.-noon, training also runs May 25-29, Adaptive Sports Association office, 125 E. 32nd St. Register at 259-0374 or program@asadurango.com.

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Garage Sale and Powerhouse Fundraiser, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., event also runs May 25-27, Powerhouse Science Center, 1333 Camino del Rio. River Walk Book Talk, 11 a.m., meet outside main entrance of Durango Public Library.

Free presentation from Artist-in-Residence, Deborah Jojola, 2:30-3:30 p.m., Far View Lodge, Mesa Verde National Park.

“Farmer of the Year” screening, opening night, 6 p.m., Q&A to follow with actor Terry Kiser, show also runs 3:30 and 6 p.m., May 25-29, Animas City Theatre, 128 E. College Dr. www.animascitytheatre.com.

STEAM Lab: Rocket Launch, for ages 5-12, 3:304:30 p.m., Durango Public Library.

Animas High School Graduation, 4-5:30 p.m., Community Concert Hall at Fort Lewis College.

Spanish Speaking Parents & Littles Fridays, 4-6 p.m., Durango Café au Play, 1309 E. 3rd Ave., Room 201. durangocafeauplay.org.

Black Velvet performs, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave. Patrick Crossing performs, 5:30-9 p.m., Irish Embassy Pub, 900 Main Ave. 403-1200 or www.theirishem bassypub.com.

“Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald” screening, 6 p.m., Pine River Library in Bayfield.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., DJ Hakan, 9 p.m.-close, Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave. Disco Night, 6:30-9 p.m., Chapman Hill Skating Rink. 375-7395.

State 38 performs, 7 p.m., Billy Goat Saloon in Gem Village.

“Route 91 Shooting in Las Vegas,” presented by Jon Klassen Deputy Chief Clark County Fire Department and hosted by Upper Pine River Fire Department,4

7 p.m., Bayfield Performing Arts Center. 884-9508.

Karaoke, 7 p.m.-close, VFW, 1550 Main Ave.

Saturday25

Durango Farmers Market, featuring music from Six Dollar String Band, 8 a.m.-noon, TBK Bank parking lot, W. 8th Street. www.durangofarmersmarket.com.

Henry Stoy performs, 10 a.m.-1 p.m., Jean-Pierre Restaurant & Wine Bar, 601 Main Ave. VFW Indoor Flea Market, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., 1550 Main Ave. 247-0384.

Class with Mesa Verde Artist-in-Residence Deborah Jojola, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Mancos School of the West. www.schoolofthewest.org/.

Wolfwood Refuge visits during Bear Dance and reception, featuring photo exhibit, speakers, screenings and more, 12:30-6 p.m., Southern Ute Museum in Ignacio. www.south ernutemuseum.org.

Kirk James Blues Band performs, 1-4 p.m., Rusty Shovel Saloon, Durango Harley Davidson.

Taste of Spring, featuring music, local artisans, tours and more, 1-6 p.m., Fox Fire Farms in Ignacio. foxfirefarms.com.

The Black Velvet Duo performs, 5 p.m., Animas River Beer Garden at the Doubletree Hotel.

Sheryl & Beau perform, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

48th annual Iron Horse Bicycle Classic When: May 24-26 Info: www.ironhorsebicycleclassic.com.

Friday24

Kid’s Sprite Race, for ages 3-10, registration 8 a.m., race 9-11 a.m., Buckley Park.

Packet pickup and late registration Iron Horse Festival Party, featuring beer garden, food, live music, cycling vendors, ebike demos, kids activities and more, 1-7 p.m., Buckley Park.

Narrow Gauge 10 Mile Run, hosted

by FLC cross country and track with proceeds benefitting the Marc Witkes Memorial Fund, part of the Narrow Horse Triathlon, 8 a.m.-noon, Fort Lewis College. www.durangorunning club.org.

Narrow Horse 1500 Meter Swim, part of the Narrow Horse Triathlon, heats begin 2 p.m., Durango Rec Center pool. www.durangoswim club.org.

Iron Horse Bike Festival, featuring beer garden, food, vendors, e-bike demos and kids activities, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., Buckley Park.

Saturday25 Coca-Cola Road Race to Silverton, start 7:30 a.m., Buckley Park.

McDonald’s Citizens Tour to Silverton, start 8 a.m., College Drive and Camino del Rio. Quarter Horse to Purgatory, start 8:15 a.m., College Drive and Camino del Rio. Pedal Assist E-bike Tour to Purgatory, start 8:15 a.m., College Drive and Camino Del Rio. Race and Citizen Tour Finish Festival, featuring beer garden, food, vendors and kids’ activities, 9 a.m.-1 p.m., Memorial Park in Silverton; Road Race Awards, 9:45-11 a.m., at finish line.

The Past and Future of Wolves in Colorado: A Talk with Andrew Gulliford, history and environmental studies professor at FLC, 5:30 p.m., Ignacio Community Library.

Andrew Schuhmann performs, 7 p.m., The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Diabolical Sound Platoon performs, 6 p.m., Mancos Brewing Co.

Light Show Public Skate, 6:30-9 p.m., Chapman Hill.

375-7395.

Mancos State Park Opening Weekend, Tom Kochanski performs, 6 p.m., park amphitheater. 533-7065.

Sunday26

Comedy Cocktail open mic stand up, 8 p.m., Eno Wine Bar, 723 E. 2nd Ave.

La Strada La Plata Gravel Ride, start 9 a.m., Buckley Park.

Kids Village, featuring bouncy houses, games, face painting, balloons, push bike park, helmet decorating and more, 9 a.m.-2 p.m., Buckley Park.

Moreheart Murphy Mountain Bike Race, 11 a.m.-4 p.m., start at Buckley Park, race runs around Durango and thru Steamworks Brewing Co.; awards 1:45-5 p.m. at finish line.

Durango Cyclery Cruzer Crit, full costume cruiser parade for all ages and abilities, 5 p.m., Buckley Park.

Sunday26

Henry Stoy performs, 10 a.m.-1 p.m., Jean-Pierre Restaurant & Wine Bar, 601 Main Ave. Traditional Irish Music Jam, 12:30-4 p.m., Irish Embassy, 900 Main Ave.

More “On the Town” on page 204

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OntheTown

Rotary Club of Durango, presentation by Durango police historian Sharon Greve, 6 p.m., Strater Hotel. 426-9549.

After-school program, 4:15-5:15 p.m. Wednesdays, Mancos Library.

Super Ted’s Super Trivia, 6:12 p.m., Henry Strater Theatre, 699 Main Ave.

Karaoke, 8 p.m., Thur-Sun, 8th Ave. Tavern, 509 E 8th Ave.

Trivia Factory, hosted by Ben Bernstein, 6:30-8:30 p.m., The Roost, 128 E. College Dr.

Upcoming

from p. 21 The Assortment performs, 2 p.m., Fox Fire Farms in Ignacio. 563-4675.

Live Music on the Lawn, 2-5 p.m., Sundays thru Aug. 4, Trimble Hot Springs, 6475 CR 203. 247-0111.

Blue Moon Ramblers, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave. The Jeff Solon Jazz Duo performs, 5:30-7:30 p.m., Dalton Restaurant and Bar. 247-7921.

Robby Overfield performs, 7 p.m., The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Monday27 Memorial Day

Yoga Storytime, 9:30-10:45 a.m., Smiley Building Studio 10, 1309 E. 3rd Ave. Watch Your Step class, 10:15 a.m., Durango Senior Center, 2424 Main Ave. Flashback performs, 4 p.m., Mancos Brewing Co. Six Dollar String Band performs, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Animas River Days 2019, June 1, Santa Rita Park, www.animasriverdays.com

DJ Crazy Charlie, 6:30-10:30 p.m., Billy Goat Saloon, Gem Village.

Durango Blues Train, May 31, June 1 and Aug. 16-17, Durango & Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad. www.durango train.com.

Tim Sullivan performs, 7 p.m., The Office, 699 Main.

Latin Social Nights, 8-11 p.m., Wild Horse Saloon, 601 E. 2nd Ave. 375-2568.

17th annual Adopt-a-Thon, 8 a.m.-8 p.m., May 31-June 1, La Plata County Humane Society. lpchumanesoci ety.org.

Open Mic Night, 8 p.m.-close, Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

5-Year Anniversary, 3-7 p.m., May 31, Pathways Physical Therapy, 2243 Main Ave., Suite 1B. www.pathwaysdu rango.com.

Wednesday29

San Juan Mountains Association celebrates National Trails Day, nonmotorized “trail poker run” for hikers, equestrians and bicyclists, 8 a.m., June 1, Mud Springs Special Recreation Area near Cortez. kathe@sjma.org or 385-1310.

19th Annual Battle of the Animas, 11 a.m., www.mildtowild.com Tai Chi at Trimble, 1:30 p.m., Wednesdays thru the summer, Trimble Hot Springs, 6475 CR 203. 247-0111.

Animas City Night Bazaar, 5-8 p.m., bazaar runs last Wednesday of each month thru September, 3057 Main Ave. animascitynightbazaar.com.

Donny Johnson performs, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Trivia Night, 7 p.m., Blondies in Cortez.

Rob Webster performs, 7 p.m., The Office, 699 Main.

Thank the Veterans potluck, 5:30 p.m., Peter Neds performs, 7-8:30 p.m., VFW, 1550 Main Ave. 828-7777.

Contiki Party with the Aussies, 9 p.m.-close, Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Loki Moon – Raw Experiments, 6-8 p.m., Eno Wine Bar, 723 E. 2nd Ave.

Tuesday28

The Jeff Solon Jazz Duo performs, 6-9 p.m., Cyprus Café. 385-6884.

Zumba Gold, 9:30-10:15 a.m., La Plata Senior Center, 2424 Main Ave. ASA Rafting Volunteer Training, 10 a.m.-1 p.m., training also runs May 29-31, Adaptive Sports Association, 125 E. 32nd St. Register at 2program@asadurango.com.

Trails 2000 Trailwork Party celebrating National Trails Day, 9 a.m.-noon, June 1, Spurline Trails at Three Springs. www.trails2000.org.

Summer Reading Program Kickoff Party, featuring live music from Six Dollar String Band, Ruby the Balloon Lady, food, games and more, 11 a.m.-1 p.m., June 1, Durango Public Library. www.durangogov.org/library.

Veterans Breakfast, 9-11 a.m., June 2, Elks Club, 901 E. 2nd Ave. 946-4831.

Writers’ Workshop, 2 p.m., June 2, Ignacio Community Library.

Guided Nature Tours, 9:45 a.m.-noon, June 4, Tuesday and Thursday thru mid-August, meet inside the Purg Ticket Office. sjma.org.

Terry Rickard performs, 7 p.m., The Office, 699 Main.

Gary B. Walker performs, 6:30-8:30 p.m., Jean-Pierre Restaurant & Wine Bar, 601 Main Ave.

Deadline for “On the Town” submissions is Monday at noon.

Open Mic Night, 7:30 p.m., The Roost, 128 College Dr. Art and Archaeology Exhibition Opening, featuring archaeologically inspired creations from Southwest Open School, 1 p.m., exhibit runs thru June 11, Canyons of the Ancients Visitor Center and Museum, Cortez.

Drop-in Tennis, 4 p.m., Durango High School.

Terry Rickard performs, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Karaoke with Crazy Charlie, 8 p.m.-close, Wild Horse Saloon, 601 E. 2nd Ave.

Ongoing

To submit an item email: calendar@durango telegraph.com

“Inside Out: Visions from the Artist’s Mind,” thru April 2020, Southern Ute Museum, 503 Ouray Dr. www.southernutemuseum.org.

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AskRachel Interesting fact: The goat in the idiom “scapegoat” is based on a misreading of a Hebrew word for the name of a demon. Similarly, all answers herein are likely based on misreadings of regular ol’ English words.

Dear Rachel, My dog never puts anything in her mouth that isn’t hers. Never has, since the day I adopted her.

At least… that’s true at home. I take her to friends’ houses, and suddenly houseplants, soccer balls, small electrical appliances, all end up relocated and some simply disappear. We never see her do it, but it only happens when she’s around.

Could there be another explanation? Or do I have a covert cat burglar… er, dog burglar as my ward?

– Doggone It Dear Fetch, Here’s one explanation: your friends are horrible about losing things and your mutt is a convenient scapedog.

Here’s another explanation: you enter a fugue state outside your own home and steal small household goods to donate to the Methodist Thrift Store. Option number three: your girl has already swiped everything she can reach in your home, and love blinded you to her petty misdemeanors. Or, four: she’s trying to show you that you need better friends.

– Bad girl, Rachel Dear Rachel, I always swear that I will not engage in ideological, political or religious debates on Facebook comment threads. No one has ever changed someone’s mind online; people just get more entrenched. But I had to recently, and even worse it

24 n May 23, 2019

was with family, over the Alabama abortion developments. Is it worth alienating my family to speak up for women’s rights, even if I don’t ever change their minds?

– Abort! Abort!

Dear Abandon Ship, The One and Only Internet Commandment is this: Thou shalt not engage in comment threads, unless it is to say “Thank you,” “I love you,” or “Here is a picture of a puppy.” Then again, speaking up for what is right is worth breaking a few commandments. If you can speak up about women’s rights with compassion, then you’re letting the people in your life know they have your support. And if you lose some blood relatives in the process?

Well, it’s just another form of family planning.

– Don’t tread on my uterus, Rachel

Dear Rachel, I like keeping old things alive. My car is the best kind of beater. The outside is nothing I’ll cry over when the paint flakes off or some dingleberry dings my fender, but the engine is so sound that it makes mechanics bless their mamas. That thing will run for another decade, but I’m running into issues like the door handles falling off and the steering wheel disintegrating. What’s your take on the age-old question about how much money to pour into this heap?

– Junker Junkie Dear Scrap Heap, I am a child of the Millennium Falcon. Fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy. That thing should have been retired

telegraph

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com before it was even born, and yet it saved the day every time, so long as it was actually running. I say, keep pouring your love into that car up to the point where you feel bitter about it. That’s when you call it quits. That, or else when your dog buries it in the yard.

– Point five past light speed, Rachel

FreeWillAstrology

by Rob Brezsny ARIES (March 21-April 19): In the coming weeks, I suspect you will have the wisdom to criticize yourself in constructive ways that will at least partially solve a long-standing problem. Hallelujah! I bet you will also understand what to do to eliminate a bad habit by installing a good new habit. Please capitalize on that special knowledge! There’s one further capacity I suspect you’ll have: the saucy ingenuity necessary to alleviate a festering fear. Be audacious!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): What standards might we use in evaluating levels of sexual satisfaction? One crucial measurement is the tenderness and respect that partners have for each other. Others include the ability to play and have fun, the freedom to express oneself uninhibitedly, the creative attention devoted to unpredictable foreplay, and the ability to experience fulfilling orgasms. How do you rate your own levels, Taurus? Wherever you may currently fall on the scale, the coming months will be a time when you can accomplish an upgrade. How? Read authors who specialize in the erotic arts. Talk to your partners with increased boldness and clarity. While meditating, search for clues in the depths.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If there were a Hall of Fame for writers, Shakespeare might have been voted in first. His work is regarded as a pinnacle of intellectual brilliance. And yet here’s a fun fact: The Bard quoted well over a thousand passages from the Bible. Can you imagine a modern author being taken seriously by the literati if he or she frequently invoked such a fundamental religious text? I bring this to your attention so as to encourage you to be Shakespearelike in the coming weeks. That is, be willing to draw equally from both intellectual and spiritual sources; be a deep thinker who communes with sacred truths; synergize the functions of your discerning mind and your devotional heart.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): “People will choose unhappiness over uncertainty,” Cancerian author & entrepreneur Timothy Ferriss writes. He doesn’t do that himself but rather is quite eager to harvest the perks of dwelling in uncertainty. I presume this aptitude has played a role in his huge success; his books have appeared on bestseller lists and his podcasts have been downloaded more than 300 million times. In telling you this, I’m not encouraging you to embrace the fertile power of uncertainty 24 hours a day and 365 days of every year.

But I am urging you to do just that for the next three weeks. There’ll be big payoffs if you do, including rich teachings on the art of happiness.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Many 18th-century pirates were committed to democracy and equality among their ranks. The camaraderie, fairness and mutual respect that prevailed on pirate ships were markedly different from the oppressive conditions faced by sailors who worked for the navies of sovereign nations. The latter were often pressed into service against their will and had to struggle to collect meager salaries.

Tyrannical captains controlled all phases of their lives. I bring this to your attention, Leo, with the hope that it will inspire you to seek out alternative approaches to rigid and hierarchical systems. Gravitate toward generous organizations that offer you ample freedom and rich alliances. The time is right to ally yourself with emancipatory influences.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t wait around for fate to decide which decisions you should make and what directions you should go. Formulate those decisions yourself, with your willpower fully engaged. Never say, “If it’s meant to be, it will happen.” Rather, resolve to create the outcomes you strongly desire to happen. Do you understand how important this is? You shouldn’t allow anyone else to frame your important questions and define the nature of your problems; you’ve got to do the framing and defining yourself. One more thing: don’t fantasize about the arrival of the “perfect moment.” The perfect moment is whenever you decree it is.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In the coming weeks, I hope you’ll regularly give yourself to generous, expansive experiences. I hope you’ll think big, funny thoughts & feel spacious, experimental emotions. I hope you’ll get luxurious glimpses of the promise your future holds, and I hope you’ll visualize yourself embarking on adventures and projects you’ve been too timid or worried to consider before now. For best results, be eager to utter the word “MORE!” as you meditate on the French phrase “joie de vivre” and the English phrase “a delight in being alive.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): According to Popular Mechanics magazine, over 3 million sunken ships are lying on the bottoms of the world’s oceans.

Some of them contain billions of dollars’ worth of precious metals and jewels. Others are crammed with artifacts that would be of great value to historians and archaeologists.

And here’s a crazy fact: fewer than 1 percent of all those potential treasures have been investigated by divers. I bring this to your attention, Scorpio, because I hope it might inspire you to explore your inner world’s equivalent of lost or unknown riches. The astrological omens suggest that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to go searching for them.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): “Some days you need god’s grace,” poet Scherezade Siobhan writes.

“On other days: the feral tongue of vintage whiskey and a mouth kissed by fire.” I’m guessing, Sagittarius, that these days you might be inclined to prefer the feral tongue of vintage whiskey and a mouth kissed by fire. But according to my astrological analysis, those flashy phenomena would not motivate you to take the corrective and adaptive measures you actually need. The grace of god – or whatever passes for the grace of god in your world – is the influence that will best help you accomplish what’s necessary.

Fortunately, I suspect you know how to call on and make full use of that grace.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorn poet William Stafford articulated some advice that I think you need to hear right now. Please hold it close to your awareness for the next 21 days. “Saying things you do not have to say weakens your talk,” he wrote. “Hearing things you do not need to hear dulls your hearing.” By practicing those protective measures, Capricorn, you will foster and safeguard your mental health.

Now here’s another gift from Stafford: “Things you know before you hear them – those are you, those are why you are in the world.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Love is an immoderate thing / And can never be content,” poet W. B. Yeats declared. To provide you with an accurate horoscope, I’ll have to argue with that idea a bit. From what I can determine, love will indeed be immoderate in your vicinity during the coming weeks. On the other hand, it’s likely to bring you a high degree of contentment – as long as you’re willing to play along with its immoderateness.

Here’s another fun prediction: I suspect that love’s immoderateness, even as it brings you satisfaction, will also inspire you to ask for more from love and expand your capacity for love. And that could lead to even further immoderate and interesting experiments.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You will know you are in sweet alignment with cosmic forces if you have an impulse to try a rash adventure but decide instead to work on fixing a misunderstanding with an ally. You can be sure you’re acting in accordance with your true intuition if you feel an itch to break stuff but instead channel your fierce energy into improving conditions at your job.

You will be in tune with your soul’s code if you start fantasizing about quitting what you’ve been working on so hard but instead sit down and give yourself a pep talk to reinvigorate your devotion and commitment.

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May 23, 2019 n 25

classifieds

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com. Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.)

Ads can be submitted via: n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 777 Main Ave., #214 Approximate office hours: Mon., 9ish - 5ish Tues., 9ish - 5ish Wed., 9ish - 3ish Thurs., On delivery Fri., 10:30ish - 2ish please call ahead 259-0133.

Announcements

Himalayan Kitchen 992 Main Ave., 970-259-0956, www.himkitchen.com. Bringing you a taste of Nepal, Tibet & India. Try our allyou-can-eat lunch buffet. The dinner menu offers a variety of tempting choices, including yak, lamb, chicken, beef & seafood; extensive veggies; freshly baked bread. Full bar. Get your lunch punch card – 10th lunch free. Hours: Lunch, 11am-2:30 p.m. & dinner, Sun. Thurs., 5-9:30 p.m., Fri. & Sat. ‘til 10 p.m.

Closed 2:30 - 5, daily.

Wanted Turn Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. Into Cash! at RJ Metal Recycle, also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

HelpWanted

resume at 273 E. College Dr. Budtender Wanted If you’re looking to get in on the ground floor of the cannabis industry with a vertically integrated company, this is your chance. The Greenery is now accepting resumes for customer service representatives, and budtending experience is not required. We’re looking for outgoing applicants with open schedules who are friendly and willing to learn everything it takes to succeed in the cannabis industry. Check us out at www.duran gogreenery.com, and then send your resume to melissa@durangogreenery.com, or come in and drop it off at 208 Parker Avenue, Suite E. We’re Your Best Buds!

Services Sunrise Sprinklers Design, installation, and maintenance 25 years of experience 970-403-6631.

Low Price on Storage!

Inside/outside near Durango, RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

Harmony Organizing and Cleaning Services Home and office 970-403-6192.

Advanced Duct Cleaning Air duct cleaning specializing in dryer vents. Improves indoor air quality; reduces dust and allergens, energy bills and fire risk. 970-247-2462 www.advanced ductcleaninginc.com

Seasonal Tent Crew Needed!

Durango Party Rental is seeking Full and part time seasonal tent crew. Clean driving record helpful. Competitive pay.

Call 259-6009 or email resume to info@durangopartyrental.com Dancing Willow Herbs is looking for a PT retail/customer service associate. Must have sales exp., a positive and warm attitude, and great customer service skills. We are looking for someone who has a passion for healthy living and learning. Please bring your resume and cover letter in person to the shop, 1018 Main Ave. No phone calls please.

Classes/Workshops

BodyWork Give Your Teachers Massage Gift Certs!

Meg Bush, LMT 970-759-0199. massageintervention.life Voted best massage in Durango 2018.

Couples, sauna, outdoor shower, cupping. Reviews on FB + Yelp. 970-903-2984 Massage with Kathryn 20+ years experience offering a fusion of esalen style, deep tissue massage with therapeutic stretching & Acutonics. New clients receive $5 off first session. To schedule appt. call 970-201-3373.

RealEstate

Grassburger is Hiring!

High schoolers – looking for a summer job that is fun and rewarding? Come on in and apply or download an application from our website: www.eatgrassburger.com. 726½ Main Avenue behind the Rivertrippers kiosk.

Classes at Namaste Thursday meditation - 8am Thursday classes: Parenting, healing herbs, food as medicine 9:30-10:30 Donations accepted.

RSVP to 970-247-2043. namastehealth center.com

6th Street Liquor Hiring PT 6th Street Liquors hiring Weekend Day shift position, hours hiring for are 9am-5pm. Come in 9am-12pm for an inperson interview with resume or drop off

The Art of Mindfullness Sundays in June 9, 16, 23. 9:00am4:30pm. Hike. Connect. Renew. $225 www.MyInsightMBS.com/events. 970-2380438. Bronwyn@MyIn sightMBS.com

26 n May 23, 2019

Mommy and Me Dance Class Come join the fun! Now registering for classes. Call 970-749-6456. mom myandmedance.com.

telegraph

Great Homebuyer Opportunity FSBO in town 5BR/2BA. Live in part, rent out part to help pay mortgage. Perfect for ADU (accessory dwelling unit). $568K. 970-759-0551.

Radon Services Free radon testing and consultation.

Call Colorado Radon Abatement and Detection for details. 970- 946-1618.

HaikuMovieReview ‘Mid90s’ So it turns out that most adolescent boys are absolute assholes – Lainie Maxson

ForSale Vintage Yeti Bicycle 1989 FRO (For Racers Only) hand built in Agoura Hills, CA., before Yeti moved to Durango. Still has some of the original Shimano XT parts - including cranks, derailleurs and wheels. Comfy swept back bar and stem have been added for that town bike vibe. This bike could easily be made original again with very little effort. $800. Serious buyers only, please. Call 970-903-0005.

Reruns Home Furnishings Great summer inventory arriving daily! Patio items galore, planters, bistros.

New great stuff and daily markdowns.

572 E. 6th Ave. 385-7336.

ForRent Personal Training/Yoga Space We are looking to share our space with trainers and or yoga instructors. Rent depends on how often the space is needed.

In town location with tons of parking.

Terms are flexible. Inquire at julie@ax iomcyclingstudio.com Cabin Next to National Forest Seeking mature, responsible renters with off grid living exp. & car. Possible work trade. Refs, dept. $500/month.

Please respond to snowdomeranch@protonmail.com

CommercialForRent Large Warehouse for Lease Durango 1,200 sq ft warehouse /metal building w concrete floor, elec provided, 8 miles from Durango on Hwy 160 storage only 1,000.00 a month, secure, call Yonna 970-759-2514.

NewspaperOrigami

Cheers to Memorial Day Weekend & the Iron Horse Classic!

Fri., 5/24 - Mon., 5/27 Oh Hi THC Sparkling Seltzer BOGO for a Penny 25% OFF Koala Bars

Sun., 5/26 Escape Artist Pop-Up 25% OFF all EA products!

Bodo: 11 am - 2 pm • Grandview: 3 - 6 pm

Mon., 5/27 1906 Edibles Pop-Up Buy Any, Try Any for $1 Bodo: 4 - 6 pm • Grandview: 1 - 3 pm

Variety of Strains • Hash/Concentrates • Edibles • Tinctures • ATM on site

A hat

Recreational: 9:00 AM - 9:00 PM Medical: 9:00 AM - 6:45 PM 72 Suttle Street, Units F/G , 970.259.3674

Recreational Adult Use Only: 9:00 AM - 8:00 PM 37 CR 232, 970.426.4381

The second-best thing to being there ... Issue 8 is out now.

Wherever you find the Telegraph or at www.gulchmag.com.

To find out about advertising opportunities, email:steve@gulchmag.com telegraph

May 23, 2019 n 27

28 n May 23, 2019

telegraph