AskRachel Game of love, getting wood and rub down

Interesting fact: The first Super Bowl was on January 15, which math tells me is more than four weeks before Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait for the first time those two behemoths coincide.

Dear Rachel,

Why the hell is the Super Bowl two days before Valentine’s Day? This did not used to be the case. There used to be a few weeks between bro holiday and chick holiday. I bring this up because when I proposed we celebrate V-Day over the weekend, my date said, “OK, but the weekend after, cuz we got the game.” Guess I know where I stand.

– Runner Up

Dear Driver Family,

Who says Super Bowl is a bro holiday? If you can tell me another day when any party anywhere in this great nation is guaranteed to have those little pinwheel rolls with the toothpicks, I’ll perform naked at next year’s halftime show. Which won’t be pretty, because I’ll have eaten a whole tray of pinwheel rolls.

– Ten hut, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I was this many years old when I realized

Comedy Showcase, 7:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main.

Tuesday21 the word “woodshed” exists because people actually build sheds to store firewood to keep it dry and give mice a nicer home. I can’t tell you how many times I had some variant of the thought, “Boy I wonder what people in wet places do to keep wood dry, since they can’t all use tarps?” What other words should I know about before I embarrass myself?

Community Yoga, 4:30-5:30 p.m., Yoga Durango, 1485 Florida Rd. Donations accepted.

– Woodrow

Dear Row of Wood,

You think “woodshed” is bad, imagine not knowing what “take you behind the woodshed” means. You’re on the brink of big time t-r-o-u-b-l-e and and all you can think is maybe there’s something exciting back there, like candy or sex, and then you find out there’s not even a real woodshed, just p-a-i-n. So you probably want to know that about a woodshed too.

– Wooda coulda shoulda, Rachel Dear Rachel,

I’m well into adulthood and feeling like crap. For the first time in 30 years, I thought of Vick’s Vapor Rub. My mom used to slather it on my chest at the first sign of a sniffle. They still make the stuff, and sure as I stand here today, it helped. But how does a minty

Email Rachel: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com gunk on my chest help clear up my crud?

– Stuffalupagus

Bluegrass Jam, 5:30 p.m., Union Social House, 3062 Main.

Jason Thies plays, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Mardi Gras Fat Tuesday Gala, 5:30 p.m., DoubleTree Ballroom, 551 Camino del Rio.

Give a Dam, educational presentation on role of beavers in restoring waterways, 6-9 p.m., Fort Lewis College’s Vallecito Room.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Merely Players present “Murder on the Orient Express,” 7 p.m., Merely Underground, 789 Tech Center.

Open Mic Night, 7 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Martin Sexton plays, 7 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Wednesday22

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Musically Speaking w/Maestro, one-hour deep dive into Mozart, 6 p.m., Powerhouse, 1330 Camino del Rio.

Dear Mama’s Boy,

Sounds like, in applying Vick’s, you got more action than I did on Valentine’s Day. If it works, don’t question it. You do not want that stuff on your orifices, though, so keep it separate from sexy time and/or feeding time. Ain’t nothing getting between me and my pinwheels, not even a mentholated chest lubricant.

– Minty fresh, Rachel

Lespecial w/Mike Dillon & Punkadelick, 7 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Comedian Brian Regan, 7:30 p.m., FLC’s Community Concert Hall.

Geeks Who Drink Trivia, 8 p.m., The Roost, 128 E. College Dr.

Karaoke Roulette, 8 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main.

Ongoing

Parker’s Animal Rescue” Paws for Celebration,” online fundraiser auction, thru Feb. 17. tinyurl.com/22pbc5vh

Whimsical Wonderland Gallery, 12 noon-6 p.m., Tuesday thru Saturdays, Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave.

“Life in Small Moments” art exhibit, thru March 1, FLC Center for Innovation, Main Mall, 835 Main Ave.

The Hive Indoor Skate Park, open skate and skate lessons. For schedule and waiver, go to www.thehivedgo.org

Upcoming

“Songs for a New World,” theatrical production, Feb. 2325 at 7:30 p.m., FLC MainStage Theatre.

Tracks: Image & Sound: A Solo Exhibition by Jenn Rawling, opening reception Feb. 24, 5-9 p.m., Studio & Gallery, 1027 Main Ave. Exhibit runs thru March 4.

Beat the winter blues with our internationally acclaimed South West Fish Chowder. (M (My mom likes es it, and she’s from rom Ca Canadaada.)

Family owned & operated since 2002

552 main ave (near the train) durango, co l 970-259-4221

Open Mon. - Sat., 11 a.m. - 8 p.m.

by Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Aries director Francis Ford Coppola was asked to name the year’s worst movie. The question didn’t interest him, he said. He listed his favorite films, then declared, “Movies are hard to make, so I’d say, all the other ones were fine!” Coppola’s comments remind me of author Dave Eggers’: “Do not dismiss a book until you have written one, and do not dismiss a movie until you have made one, and do not dismiss a person until you have met them.” Your assignment is to explore and embody these perspectives. Refrain from judging efforts about which you have no personal knowledge. Be as open-minded and generous as you can.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Artist Andy Warhol said, only half in jest, “Being good in business is the most fascinating kind of art. Making money is art, and working is art, and good business is the best art.” More than any other sign, Tauruses embody this attitude with flare. When you are at your best, you’re not a greedy materialist who places a higher value on money than everything else. Instead, you approach the gathering of necessary resources, including money, as a fun art project that you perform with love and creativity. I invite you to ascend to an even higher octave of this talent.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You are gliding into the Season of Maximum Volition, Autonomy and Liberty. Now is a favorable time to explore and expand the pleasures of personal sovereignty. To prepare, try two experiments. 1. Act as if free will is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. Then visualize what your destiny would be like. 2. Act as if free will is real. Imagine that in the coming months you can have more of it at your disposal than ever before. What will your destiny be like?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The ethereal, dreamy side of your nature must continually find ways to express itself beautifully and playfully. And I do mean “continually.” If you’re not always allowing your imagination to roam and romp around in Wonderland, your imagination may lapse into spinning out crabby delusions. Luckily, I don’t think you will have any problems attending to this necessary luxury in the coming weeks. From what I can tell, you will be highly motivated to generate fluidic fun by rambling through fantasy realms.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t treat your allies or yourself with neglect and insensitivity. For the sake of your mental and physical health, you need to do the exact opposite. To enhance your well-being, be almost ridiculously positive. Be vigorously nice and rigorously kind. Bestow blessings and dole out compliments, both to others and yourself. See the best and expect the best in both others and yourself.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Is there a bug in the sanctuary of love? A parasite or saboteur? If so, banish it. Is there a cranky monster grumbling in the basement or attic or closet? Feed that creature chunks of raw cookie dough imbued with a crushed-up valium pill. Do you have a stuffed animal or holy statue to whom you can spill your deep, dark, delicious secrets? If not, get one. Have you been spending quality time rumbling around in your fantasy world in quest of spectacular healings? If not, get busy. Those healings are ready for you to pluck them.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There’s a weird magic operating in your vicinity these days – a curious, uncanny kind of luck. So while my counsel here might sound counterintuitive, I think it’s true. Here are four affirmations to chant regularly: 1. “I will attract and acquire what I want by acting as if I don’t care if I get what I want.” 2. “I will become grounded and relaxed with the help of beautiful messes and rowdy fun.” 3. “My worries and fears will subside as I make fun of them and joke about them.” 4. “I will activate my deeper ambition by giving myself permission to be lazy.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): How many people would fight for their country? 11% in Japan; Netherlands, 15%; Italy, 20%; France, 29%; Canada, 30%; US, 44%. My advice here, which is threefold: 1. The coming months will be a good time to cultivate your love for your country’s land, people and culture, but not for your country’s government and armed forces. 2. Minimize your aggressiveness unless you invoke it to improve your personal life. 3. Don’t get riled up about vague abstractions and fear-based fantasies. But do wield your constructive militancy in behalf of intimate, practical improvements.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): By the time she was 33, Sagittarian actor Jane Fonda was famous and popular. She had already won many awards, including an Oscar. Then she became an outspoken op- ponent of America’s war in Vietnam. Some of her lessliberal fans were outraged. For a few years, her success in films waned. Offers didn’t come easily to her. She later explained that while the industry had not completely “blacklisted” her, she had been “greylisted.” Despite the setback, she kept working – and never diluted her political activism. By the time she was in her 40s, her career and reputation had fully recovered. Today, at age 84, she is busy with creative projects. In accordance with astrological rhythms, I propose we make her your role model in the coming months. May she inspire you to be true to your principles even if some people disapprove. Be loyal to what you know is right.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Charles V (1500–58) had more than 20 titles, including Holy Roman Emperor, King of Spain, Archduke of Austria and Lord of the Netherlands. He was also a patron of the arts and architecture. Once, while visiting the renowned Italian painter Titian to have his portrait done, he did something no monarch had ever done. When Titian dropped his paintbrush on the floor, Charles humbly picked it up and gave it to him. I foresee a different but equally interesting switcheroo in your vicinity during the coming weeks. Maybe you will be aided by a big shot or get a blessing from someone you consider out of your league.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Some people I respect regard the Bible as a great work of literature. I don’t share that view. Like psychologist Valerie Tarico, I believe the so-called good book is filled with “repetition, awkward constructions, inconsistent voice, weak character development, boring tangents and passages where nobody can tell what the writer meant to convey.” I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I believe now is a good time to rebel against conventional wisdom, escape from experts’ opinions, and formulate your own unique perspectives about pretty much everything.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I suspect that arrivederci and au revoir and sayonara will overlap with birth cries and welcomes and initiations in the coming days. Are you beginning or ending? Leaving or arriving? Letting go or hanging on? Here’s what I think: You will be beginning and ending; leaving and arriving; letting go and hanging on. That could be confusing, but it could also be fun. The mix of emotions will be rich and soulful.

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com.

Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.) Ads can be submitted via: n www.durangotelegraph.com n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2

Approximate office hours:

Mon-Wed: 9ish - 5ish

Thurs: On delivery

Fri: Gone fishing; call first

Classes/Workshops

Join Our Neighborhood Yoga Class 50+ Gentle Yoga w/modifications, Wednesdays 9-10:15 am @ Florida Grange; 656 Hwy. 172, Durango. (Jill) jillfay07@gmail.com

West Coast Swing Dance

6-week class starts February 22. Learn the basics of West Coast Swing. Registration is required at www.west slopewesties.com.

Lost/Found

Found Skis

Found a pair of skis on side of Hwy 550 on the morning of Mon., Feb. 6. If you lost them, call 970-259-2834 to identify and claim.

Lost Black Ski Goggle Case with sunglasses inside 2/4/23 backcountry skiing Deer Creek off Coal Bank Pass. Stuart Way, 970-799-5721

CommercialforRent

1100-sf Office/Retail Space in Bodo Park

Ground floor with open-front floor plan & back-of-house space + 1/2 bath & kitchenette. Wheelchair access ramp & on-site parking. Short- or long-term lease avail. $1600/mo. 970-799-3732

Wanted

Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

HelpWanted

Durango Outdoor Exchange is looking for a full-time or part-time Gear Specialist. Do you have -retail sales experience -gear knowledge -Saturday availability - self motivation - stoke for the outdoors? Come join the crew! Applications available on our website or swing by to meet with Jen, 3677 Main Ave.

ForSale

Never Used TaoTronics

4k Action Camera

New and in the box. Comes with user guide and all accessories that came with it: waterproof housing, handlebar/pole mount, mounts, battery, tethers, protective back cover, USB cable and lens cleaning cloth. $50.

J.marie.pace@gmail.com furnishings … 572 E. 6th Ave. Open Mon.-Sat. 385-7336.

HaikuMovieReview

‘The Pez Outlaw’

Services

Marketing Small and Local Businesses

Media, website building and content editing, copywriting and editing, newsletters, blogs, etc. for small, local, independent or startup businesses. www.the saltymedia.com or email jnderge @gmail.com

Harmony Cleaning and Organizing

Residential, offices, commercial and vacation rentals, 970-403-6192.

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

BodyWork

In-Home Fitness Training

Get fit in 2023! I come to you! All ages. Diane Brady NSCA-CPT. 970-9032421

Lotus Path Healing Arts

True tale of a black market caper and kooky candy collectors – Lainie Maxson

Market season. We are accepting applications thru March 1 at: managemymarket.com/landing.aspx?orgID=2099. We only accept vendors who have a farm or business location in: La Plata County, Montezuma County, Archuleta County, San Juan County, Colorado, and San Juan County, N.M.

Are You a Parent or Caregiver of a child 3 or under? Cafe Au Play offers a free, safe, enclosed, indoor and outdoor play, 10 a.m. -1 p.m., Mon. –Fri., Christ the King Lutheran Church. We also host a free Power Au Play from 10 a.m. -12 noon on the third Wednesday of each month at the Powerhouse.

Volunteer Advocates Needed Alternative Horizons is always in need of volunteers to staff our hotline. AH has been supporting and empowering survivors of domestic violence since 1978. Training and support provided. For information call 970-247-4374 or visit alternativehori zons.org.

Crusher Fat Bike - Now $425

2015 Sun Bicycle, 7 speed, in excellent cond. Barely ridden. Basket & kick stand. MSRP $530, now $425. 970-9030005.

Gordon Smith FibreFlex Longboard

A classic – sweet, smooth ride for cushy cruising. Been around the block but still in great shape. 42” long. $50

Text: 970-749-2595.

Reruns Home Furnishings

Lots of gifts and quality pre-owned dishes, glassware, art, rugs and great

Now accepting new clients. Offering a unique, intuitive fusion of Esalen massage, deep tissue & Acutonics, 24 years of experience. To schedule call Kathryn, 970-201-3373.

Massage by Meg Bush

LMT, 30, 60 & 90 min., 970-7590199.

CommunityService

Local vendors

Join us for the 2023 Durango Farmers

MOLAS Scholarship Application

The Community Foundation serving SW Colorado is offering a scholarship for low-income La Plata County students, the Meaningful Opportunity through Learning and Advancement, or MOLAS. Applicants must be first-generation college students who will be freshman in fall 2023. Winner of the scholarship will receive up to 85% of tuition and room and board at a Colorado or Four Corners college, university, trade-school or vocational school. Deadline to apply is March 1. Apply at: swcommunityfoundation .org/scholarships.