AskRachel Weighing costs, smoker’s section & snowed in

Interesting fact: The first time smoking was curtailed in Congress was 1871, when a dozen eggs cost 30 cents.

Dear Rachel,

My wife buys a Starbucks every day for $5$7 a cup. I buy eggs 12 for $5. I have two a day with toast. How do I get her to quit ragging me about the cost of eggs? I sometimes eat only one so the dozen goes a few days more. Do you think I’m being hen pecked for buying eggs? The price of eggs is chicken feed compared to lattés.

– Hen Pecked

Dear Chicken,

You want her to stop ragging you about the cost of eggs? Start ragging her about the cost of her lattés. I guarantee that’ll change the focus of the conversation real quick. You may not like where it goes … but at least she’ll be off your eggs for a while. But watch out for your huevos, if you know what I’m saying.

– Bagock, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So we’re back to smoking being allowed in Congress. It’s hard for me to cry too hard over this, since if we can’t get term limits at least we can shorten their lifespans. Do you think this’ll trickle down to the rest of us too? I’d really rather not go back to smelling like my uncle’s ashtray every time I go out to dinner.

– Where There’s Smoke

Dear Fire,

We already DO have term limits: it’s called voting the effers out. Of course, that never happens, because we’d all rather have our own incumbent overstay her welcome than dare risk her seat for someone else. And for some congresspeople, the best term limit would have been zero terms. That aside … I would definitely worry about smoking coming back into public. The only things that trickle down from Washington are things we really don’t want anyway.

– Snuffed out, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

With all the snow and highschoolers who are mostly not working, how about shoveling out fire hydrants? Yeah, helping the city. They might even save a home when the hydrant is found. This would be a good project for the senior class to raise money for prom, other than a car wash or selling cookies. Or is this a violation of child labor laws?

– Frosty

Old English Insult Contest, 1 p.m., Durango Transit Center, 250 W. 8th St.

Invention Convention, 1 p.m., Powerhouse Science Center, 1333 Camino del Rio.

Hula Hoop Contest, 1 p.m., Gazpacho Restaurant, 431 E. 2nd Ave.

Cat-A-Pult, 1:30 p.m., Durango Transit Center, 250 W. 8th St.

Limbo Contest, 1:30 p.m., Gazpacho Restaurant, 431 E. 2nd Ave.

Quaffing Tournament, 2 p.m., 11th St. Station.

No Heel Riser Skin Challenge, 2 p.m., Anarchy Brewing, 225 E. 8th Ave.

Book Games, 2 p.m., Maria’s Bookshop, 960 Main.

Whip Cream Beard Contest, 2 p.m., Animas Chocolate Co., 930 Main Ave.

Outhouse Stuffing, 2 p.m., Gazpacho Restaurant, 431 E. 2nd Ave.

Fashion Dos & Don’ts Videocast, 4 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Server Obstacle Course, 4-6 p.m., EsoTerra Ciderworks, 558 Main Ave.

Build-A-Bong Awards, 4:20 p.m., Prohibition Herb, 1185 Camino del Rio.

Giant Pong, 4:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Search for the Silver Bullet Award Ceremony, 5 p.m., The Garage, 128 W. 8th St.

Family Movie Night, 6 p.m., First Presbyterian Church, 1159 E. 3rd Ave.

Human Hungry Hippo, 6 p.m., DoubleTree, 501 Camino del Rio.

Mario Kart Racing, 6:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Cards Against Snowdown, 6:30 p.m., VFW Post 4031, 1550 Main Ave.

Snowdown Follies, 7 p.m., Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave. Videocast at Animas City Theatre.

Best Chest Contest, 10 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Email Rachel: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Happy Jolly Soul,

If the senior class really wanted to make some cash, they’d say screw shoveling snow, let’s invest in some laying hens. For the low, low cost of their leftover vegetables (do teen-agers ever have leftovers, or vegetables for that matter?) they will have little dinosaurs crapping out golden eggs. Eight or nine dozen ought to pay for a corsage, a dozen dozen for a DJ. And it’s a pretty passive income, unlike shoveling, so they can actually … you know… focus on school.

– Cracked the case, Rachel

Snowdown Follies, 10 p.m., Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave. Videocast at Animas City Theatre.

Karaoke Competition, 10 p.m., 8th Ave. Tavern, 509 E. 8th Ave.

Sunday05

La Plata County Search & Rescue Pancake Breakfast & Silent Auction, 7 a.m., La Plata County Fairgrounds, 2500 Main Ave.

Balloon Rally & Mass Ascension, 8 a.m., Highway 550 north at Lone Pine Dr.

8-Ball Billiard Tournament, 10 a.m., The Garage, 121 W. 8th St.

Latte-Art Throwdown, 10:30 a.m., Taste, 725 E. 2nd Ave.

Cornhole Tournament, 1 p.m., American Legion, 878 E. 2nd Ave.

“Hunt for the Quote From Will” raffle drawing, 2 p.m., Lola’s Place, 725 E. 2nd Ave.

Frog Relay, 2-5 p.m., EsoTerra Ciderworks, 558 Main Ave.