Ask Rachel

Interesting fact: Despite the Sonoran sensation in your maw, marijuana does not actually dehydrate you. Unlike alcohol. So really, drinking booze should mean you’re “dry,” not the other way around? I give up.

Dear Rachel,

Can you really drink THC beverages during dry January? Seems kind of self-defeating of the

whole cleanse idea and a cop out – I won’t get

drunk but I’ll still get all high’d up. Then again, if THC drinks are allowed, sign me up.

– Sober Curious

Dear Curious George,

I bet THC drinks leave your mouth feeling pretty cottony, so hells yes they’re allowed. So are dry cabernets. I’ll be honest, I’ve never understood how people way back when got so creative with language that they decided to characterize anything liquid as “dry.” Also, since “dry” means “sober,” does “not sober” mean “not dry” mean “wet?” God, we better not print in the newspaper that I’m wet, or that’ll open up a whole new cask of problems.

– Decidedly moist, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My dogs are wild beasts who spend their days with me on trails, in parks, in yards. Basically anywhere that’s not paved. Yet I still need to cut their toenails. The vet says I need to walk them on the sidewalk to wear them down. But coyotes and wolves don’t walk on sidewalks! Do they get their manicures at the ranger station? Or are short nails a sign of domesticity, and I should just let my dogs grow free?

– Clawing for Answers

Dear Dog Scratch Fever,

You’ve hit the nail, as it were, on the head. Or is it on the bed? Do dogs even have nail beds like we do? Anyway, I have to think that coyotes sit in their dens with nail files actually sharpening their claws, rather than wearing them down. Rabbit fur is so darn soft that it’ll slip right out from under your paws unless you have fish hooks for nails. If dirt wore down their canine deathhands to innocent little nubs, they’d starve to death. Your dogs, however wild, are not predators. Cut their nails already.

– Scratching the surface, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What’s the etiquette on maintaining a Snapchat streak? My sister coerced me into Snapping with her the day she got a new cat, and now we have Snapped for 247 days straight. I want to go on a digital cleanse this month, but now I can’t take a phone break without breaking the streak, which might be the longest commitment my sister has ever maintained. Can I, like, hire some teen to send Snaps for me while I’m on hiatus?

– Snap Crackle Pop

Dear Snapple, Is a digital cleanse month like the techie version of dry January? Because if so, you just gotta keep it analog. Take pictures with a Polaroid, then send snaps of that print via your phone, and it’s a whole lot less digital than… oh, forget it. Just go dry already. Apologize for the streak, promise you’ll cut her cat’s nails in penance, then put the phone down and run off into the desert with enough THC water to survive the apocalypse. – Oh snap, Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Snowdown2022

How Well Do You Know Your Wine?, 12 p.m.-7 p.m., Four Leaves Winery, 528 Main Ave.

Canine Fashion Show, 1 p.m., McDonald’s parking lot, 201 W. College Dr.

Pinball Tournament, 1 p.m., The Garage, 121 W. 8th St.

Hula Hoop Contest, 1 p.m., Gazpacho Restaurant, 431 E. 2nd Ave.

Limbo, 1:30 p.m., Gazpacho Restaurant, 431 E. 2nd Ave.

No Nonsense Quaffing Tournament, 2 p.m., 11th Street Station.

Bucket Beer Pong, 3:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Freestyle Hair Design Awards, 4 p.m., The Chill Spot, 3102 Main Ave, Suite 15.

Josie Pete’s Golf Tournament Award

Ceremony, 4 p.m., Durango Elks Lodge, 901 E. 2nd Ave.

Search for the Silver Bullet Award

Ceremony, 5 p.m., Joel’s Bar, 119 W. 8th Ave. Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Movie Night, 6 p.m., First Presbyterian Church of Durango, 1159 E. 3rd Ave.

Cards Against Snowdown, 6:30 p.m., VFW Post 4031, 1550 Main Ave.

Snowdown Follies, showings at 7 p.m. & 10 p.m., Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave. Follies Videocast at Animas City Theater, 128 E. College Dr.

Spellbound Silent Disco Dance Off, 9 p.m., 11th Street Station.

Best Chest in the West, 9:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Karaoke Competition, 10 p.m., 8th Avenue Tavern, 509 E. 8th Ave.

Sunday30

Church Mystics, 10 a.m., First Presbyterian Church, 1159 E. 3rd Ave.

Magic 8 Ball Billiards Tournament, 10 a.m., The Garage, 121 W. 8th St.

Build-A-Bong Awards, 4:20 p.m., Prohibition Herb, 1185 Camino del Rio.

Snowdown Follies, showings at 7 p.m. & 10 p.m., Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave. Follies Videocast at Animas City Theater, 128 E. College Dr.

Algorithm free since 2002.

(A good thing on so many levels.)