Cycles

Emma Wise

Carter and her friend sat in a stationary car in a dark, deserted parking lot- like two heroines at the beginning of a horror movie. There was a feeling of dread building, like something stalking in the shadows. Carter rested her forehead against the cool glass of the windowpane, exhausted to the bone.

“I’m really worried about you,” her friend whispered quietly. “I know things have been really hard since school started. I know you’re stressed out. I want to be able to help you, but you need to let me.” A chilled tear rolled down Carter’s cheek. All of this was routine, but it still struck her all the same. Carter was worrying the people she cared about, again. Her heart twisted up at the thought, but she knew there was no getting out of it. A new cycle had started, everything was the same. It was always the same.

Happiness was a distant, far-off thing. Carter had been chasing it for years but has since grown accustomed to its absence. Her 18th birthday had come and gone, childhood was nothing but a blur in the rearview mirror. It was all just too much. College applications, and her impossible workload were like anchors strapped to her feet. She had started sleeping more, eating less and ignoring her responsibilities. Things were getting bad again. Life started to feel like walking against the tide, the ocean more than willing to sweep her away.

“I know you’re stressed out right now, but you need to do better. Your grades are starting to slip- you sleep all day. If you want to get into college you need to change your habits,” her mom looked at her with piercing eyes. Carter cringed, she had shoved thoughts of college into a tiny box in the back of her mind. Just hearing the word sent her into a panic.

“I’m trying, Mom. I’m trying to change. I-It’s just re-really hard.” Carter’s voice quivers, tears brimming in her eyes. She could tell by the look in her mom’s eye that Carter was disappointing her. It stung like a slap in the face.

Carter went to school, but she didn’t understand the material like the other kids; she felt unbearably stupid. Checking her grades brought red-hot feelings of shame that curled in her belly. Her memory was fried, nothing was safe- not even test dates. She promptly fell further and further behind, losing the will to try and catch up.

Carter went to work; she didn’t hate her job but sometimes she felt like an outsider. When things were slow and everyone else would talk, Carter would stand in one spot and space out. She wanted to talk with her coworkers, she liked them. But Carter was just too tired. All the time, all the time she was tired. It made her want to scream; she didn’t have the energy to do anything. How could she get better if she barely had the strength to get out of bed?

There was a certain isolation that plagued her, one she felt clung to her alone–even though deep down she knew that wasn’t true. It seemed that everyone else was doing alright. They might be struggling, but at least they had alright grades. At least they know what colleges they want to apply for. At least they had motivation to do their assignments. Carter just wanted to be like everyone else. It seemed her and her alone walked with weights tied to every limb, threatening to drag her to the deepest depths.

When things finally got a bit better, she made the familiar rounds to disappointed teachers and her few friends. She would swallow that burning shame and beg for extensions on overdue assignments. She knew it all sounded like a big excuse. That she didn’t have the strength to get out of bed, much less do schoolwork. She would swallow that squirming guilt and apologize for being so distant with her friends. She was trying, god she was trying.

Things were okay for a couple weeks, but Carter knew it wouldn’t last. There would be a trigger and things would turn sour. Or her brain would simply tell her life wasn’t worth living, no trigger needed.

“Are you alright? You seem distant.” A coworker or friend or family member would say.

“I’m fine, just a little tired,” Carter would respond, and the cycle would start anew.