I Hate Your Stubborness

Keira Nelson

Why did you have to be so stubborn that night? Maybe if you had let those paramedics take you. You wouldn’t be gone.

You knew how bad your kidney stones could get. Did you not learn your lesson when you had your stroke because you let it get that bad?

I was so young seeing you forget the world around you. And when I watched the ambulance pull out of my driveway on an early June morning, I wondered if I would have to see it again.

But I never did see it again. I never saw you again. Do I dare look at the picture dad sent mom of you tangled in the wires and tubes that were keeping you alive?

I know you hated hospitals, but I hate it more that you’re gone. I wish you had been smart and not’ve let your room, become my brother’s.

Manifestation of Guilt Vienna McCarthy (Garden of Secrets Contest: Honorable Mention)

Blood. It was seeping into her clothes, staining her shirt and sinking all the way down into her soul. The smell of metal filled the air. Her ears were ringing, eyes clouded, and breathing erratic. She heard him choking, the blood was filling his lungs. She couldn't- why was she..? Blood spilled from her mouth. It was too much… It was too much!

With a gasp, Dani shot up from the wrinkled sheets of the motel bed. Sweat covered her body, making her stick to the warm blankets. Her mouth was dry and for once didn’t taste of smoke. It wasn’t real- it never was. But she always fell for it. She rolled off the edge of the bed and reached for the pack of cigarettes on her nightstand. She felt dread wash over her when she grasped nothing but air and remembered how she threw them out last night. She sighed and decided she would start her day like a normal person for once and take a shower.

The bathroom was a mess. Beer bottles littered the floor and counters, grime and dirt covering every surface. Ugh. Dani picked up the one decently clean towel and started the shower, hoping the water wouldn’t freeze her for once.

She glanced at the mirror, trying to discern how awful she looked. Her tight brown curls fell around her dark face. Tired blue eyes stared back at her. She licked her chapped lips and blinked slowly at her reflection. She was about to turn away when she saw the shadow of a figure behind her. Her heart rate spiked and she whirled her head around to see who was in her room. She saw nothing. It was happening again. Dani squeezed her eyes shut, trying to shut out the world around her.

“Get out.” She opened her eyes, looking into the mirror again. The figure staring back at her was not her own. The shadowed silhouette of her father grinned at her. The blood dripped down from the gash in his head; the one that never closed. “Did you hear me? Get out!” She yelled at the mirror again. The figure did nothing.

“Hello Danielle.” The voice echoed through the bathroom. “Pleasure seeing you again.”

“I don’t want you here. Go away.” She turned away from the mirror, focusing her eyes on the chipped plastic of the toilet.

“Are you sure?” The figure spoke again, amusement hidden in his voice. “You used to love having me around.”

Images of sleepless nights slumped alone in the bathroom flashed into her head. She wouldn’t go back to that.

I’ve changed,” she said simply, trying to avoid talking to the figure as much as possible. She knew whatever it was, it wasn’t her father. “I don’t need you anymore.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed.” The evident smile in his voice made her blood boil. “I saw that little stunt you pulled with the cigarettes last night.” She grit her teeth. This whole self constraint thing was a lot harder than people made it seem. “I never thought you would have the guts.”

She turned to face the mirror again. She looked the figure straight in the shadowed holes where his eyes would be. “Leave. Me. Alone.” The figure laughed at her and disappeared from the mirror. Reflections of him shone across the empty beer bottles, a smug smile still on his face.

“You know I can’t do that,” he said “I’m just as much a part of you as this is.” His hands stretched out to encompass the beer bottles. Her already bad mood was worsening by the second.

She picked up the neck of the bottle and pointed the other end towards him. “This isn’t part of me!” She smashed the bottle on the ground, well aware that it would be a pain to clean up later. The figure laughed at her, reflection flickering around from one bottle to another.

"Yes, this isn’t part of you,” it said, disappearing from the bottles entirely. “Just like what happened to dear old dad isn’t part of you.” It’s voice was all encompassing. Dani could feel the darkness closing in around her. Her mind flashed back to the moment she’s been trying to forget for years. She could smell the blood again, and the sound of the gunshot and his body falling to the floor echoed in her head. She would never be able to escape this.

Sea Bees Can Do! | Aaron Natividad

I’m always going to be here,” it said, breaking through the darkness around her. “I am you. I am your mistakes. I am what you wish you could escape, what you hide from everyone.”

Tears rolled down Dani’s face, she was no longer in the bathroom. She was in the void and emptiness clawed at her chest. She would never be able to escape this. Faintly she could hear it laughing.

She closed her eyes, trying to center herself. She didn’t have to listen to this haunting voice. Her past was her past.

"I am more than my mistakes," she told the voice, opening her eyes. The sight of the bathroom relieved her.

“Is that what Dad would say?” The voice taunted her.

She could feel the fire of rage bubble up inside, blinding her of everything but the voice. She turned her head to look at the mirror again. The figure was inside, blood dripping from a wound that never closed, and a smile on its face. Her fist balled up in rage and all at once, everything that was lying under the surface exploded. She swung her body, fist colliding with the mirror, shattering it into pieces.

She didn’t remember closing her eyes, but when they opened again she saw blood seeping out of the angry cuts in her hand. She didn’t care. The mirror was broken, and the figure was gone.

It was silent in the bathroom. Faintly she could hear the sound of the shower raining water down on the bathtub. She smiled to herself, looking at her fractured reflection in the mirror. It was gone, for now at least. It was enough.

She regarded her hand again, the adrenaline pulsing through her veins having left her. She turned on the sink, letting the cold water wash over her hand and relieve some of the fire in her veins. She watched it silently for a bit before digging through her bag for her first aid kit.

She wrapped her hand up, after cleaning her wounds. It stung but the pain was worth it. Dani was more than her past, and she proved it.