THE BEST F***ING THING YOU WILL EVER READ
The Chomicle
XXXDAY, LDOC 2013, MONTH BETCHES XX, 2013
ONE ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED AND AND EIGHTH EIGHTH YEAR, YEAR, ISSUE ISSUE 143 X
WWW.DUKECHRONICLE.COM HTTP://IMGUR.COM/UJCEEP3
TRAVIS PORTER CANCELS AFTER SOUL SEARCH by Esau “hairy twin” djina and Señor Teeth Inspector THE CHOMICLE
After learning of student backlash against Travis Porter’s allegedly sexist lyrics, the group has decided to take a break from their musical career in order to start their own feminist blog, “Vagina Real Good.” “Honestly, after we heard about all the Duke students hating on us, we realized that it was time to make a change,” said Strap, one of the group’s members. “We’re excited to delve into the feminist world, and we’re inspired by Duke and, of course, Nicki [Minaj].” He will be live tweeting the event from a feminist perspective, so he can call out instances of inflammatory lyrics. “I conceive of this concert not so much as a musical but a pedagogical opportunity to initiate interpersonal understandings and critique the power structures that so often go unnoticed in the contemporary liberal state,” Strap said. Members of the band said they will also attend Ground of Common Being to further their understanding of the female mind in a matter of three days. Junior Taco Jobia, executive vice president of Duke Students for Traditional Gender Roles, critiqued the decision for violating freedom of speech, a right protected by the First Amendment, he added. “The majority of students shouldn’t suffer at the hands of the minority, especially when most of the bros I talked to were totally fine with the songs,” he said.
SPECIAL TO THE CHRONICLE
SEE SOUL SEARCH ON PAGE 22
The band Travis Porter is taking a break from performance to focus on a new feminist blogging venture.
Free market advocate Chapel Hill criminals takes over The Chomicle cross over into Durham by Alabama Nat’l Park THE CHOMICLE
Zhonathan Jhao will serve as the editor of The Chomicle’s 109th volume after usurping the title from editor-elect Daniellita Moooyo Tuesday night. Jhao, a freshman with a Ph.D. in economics and women’s studies, said Moooyo’s gender would restrict the publication from reaching its optimal productivity level. Especially because Chomicle staffers are not paid, having a woman in charge would throw off the highly technical balance of labor demand versus production quality, he said. “Before I begin, I’m not sexist,” Jhao said. “I was just concerned about the idea of a female leading The Chomicle. It’s not a viable option in today’s free market.” Moooyo, a sophomore, yielded the title
DKU adopts Duke tradition, throws Asia Prime party, Page 19
when she saw how commanding Jhao looked in a bow tie. She noted she is excited to have more time for childbearing in the very near future. “I’m disappointed, but I realized my long hair and tendency to wear dresses prevented me from managing effectively,” she said. “On the bright side, this will give me more time to focus on getting my M.R.S.” Junior Taco Jobia, incoming Do Something? Government vice president for injustice and exclusion, said he is thrilled at the shift in power. Jobia believes The Chomicle, infamous for its history of female leaders, could use a little patriarchal spice. “Jhao will stir up much-needed controversial discussion of social issues in the student body,” Jobia said. “Honestly, I can’t get enough of him.”
by Jewels Inspector, Crack and Mr. Teeth THE CHOMICLE
Durham and Chapel Hill are separated only by a 17-or-so kilometer length of road, approximately. There are no tanks, anti-aircraft turrets, drone patrols and at least 5 people take the Bobertson bus each day without showing their GoPass. In mid-March of 1983 on a sunny spring day, a student from Chapel Hill came to Duke and toilet-papered Cameron Indoor Stadium. He also stole a book from the library without checking it out. It can thus be concluded that all violent crimes and most cases of grand theft auto in
ONTHERECORD
the Durham county confines can be attributed to Chapel Hill residents, according to this single incident and several trustworthy hunches of The Chomicle’s editorial staff. “If your consistent way of living is jacking cars and having sex, well, then you’re going to continue jacking cars and having sex,” said Duke Police Chief Jack Weekly. Junior Taco Jobia, vice president of communications for Duke Students For a Closed City Border, argued that the lack of checkpoints violates the basic human rights of Duke students. “Those of us who pay private school tuition deserve some separation from those thugs down the road,” he said. SEE JUMP ON PAGE 1
Back to 1-ply toilet paper, Page 3
“We’re kind on a roll with closing vendors, so we thought ‘why not shut down Great Hall after the renovations?’” —Thick Johnston on dining . See story page 19