Drake Mag Winter 2024

DRAKE MAG WINTER 2024 | VOL. 64, ISSUE 1

AWARDS SPOTLIGHT PACEMAKER Drake Magazine was one of 14 student magazines named as winners of the Associated College Press prestigious Pacemaker during an awards ceremony at the Fall National College Media Convention.

INDIVIDUAL PACEMAKERS Honorable Mention for Feature Story, Sarah Jamil Honorable Mention for Magazine Page/Spread, Maddie Kruse PINNACLES 1st Place Best Coverage of Faith, Sadie Jones 2nd Place Best Editorial Illustration, Princess Hart 2nd Place Best Magazine Contents Page/Spread, Lily Eckenrode 3rd Place Best Magazine Feature Page/Spread, Princess Hart Honorable Mention Best Magazine Cover, Lily Eckenrode Honorable Mention Best Magazine Entertainment Page/Spread, Maddie Kruse Honorable Mention Best Feature Story, Sarah Jamil

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR I have never been so ingrained in the Drake Mag process — and I have loved every second.

We created a community during the magazine process. The editorial team never seemed ready to leave meetings. I had to kick everyone out of the office — and it didn’t always work. We never wanted to part from these stories. The design and photo team blew it out of the park with help from the incredible Art Director, Eve Kelly, and Photo Director, Jayden James.

Controlled Chaos and Disorderly Conduct are central themes you’ll see throughout this issue. Get swept into the chaos that is cooking classes, rage rooms, and BDSM while accompanied by ways to chill out — CBD beauty, Reiki, and nightly beauty routines. There’s a lot of chaos in Gen Z as we’re mushed into molds of the ideal man (Underneath the Armor) and woman (Self-Objectification, but Make it Hot). We have dug into these standards and tore them apart.

If you have collecting tendencies, these stories offer solutions that span from when to know it’s a problem (Hoarding) to — how to organize all of your junk into a pretty little corner (Clustering). If it doesn’t fit into your cluster corner — put it in your junk journal.

To the staff, writers, designers, photographers, and readers — thank you. I didn’t think I could love Drake Mag any more.

Special thanks to Dean Catherine Staub, Associate Dean Kelly Bruhn, Professors Jen Wilson, Jeff Inman, and John Fender.

Also, thank you Kate Busch, Peggy Fisher, Drake School of Journalism & Mass Communication, Gina Ryan, Christian Edwards Printing, all of our models, and everyone who has supported us behind the scenes.

Copyright 2024 by Drake Mag and Drake Magazine. Drake Mag is published with the support of the Board of Student Communications. Opinions expressed in the magazine do not necessarily reflect the views of Drake University. Please direct any questions, comments, or concerns to drakemag@gmail.com.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Bella Spah ART DIRECTOR Eve Kelly PHOTO DIRECTOR Jayden James MANAGING EDITOR Kylie Petty ASSOCIATE EDITORS Gunner Onkst Amanda Favazza ASSISTANT EDITOR Stella Pihlstrom DIGITAL MEDIA DIRECTOR Melodie Yang PHOTO Claire Mianecki Kaitlyn Wood Madissen Kerman Marissa Dickinson Seth Coughlin Summer Ahartz DESIGN Ava Leigh Emily Zeller Grace O’Malley Jordan Wyer Maria Hernandez Reese Modugno Sarah Fey Tyler Strachan WORDS Aidan Quinlan Anna Greenwaldt Caroline Siebels-Lindquist Dashae Engler Elizabeth Rosa Jack Byassee Jack Harrington Lainey Arrol Lily Wasserman Morgen Neuhauser Shylee Saladi

CONTENTS

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WINTER 2024

From Clutter to Craft | Three Ways to Junk Journal Bedtime Beauty Boosters | Overnight Routines That Work While You Rest Save Time, Stack Habits | Stack Your Habits to Save Time Multi-Use Jewelry | Five Innovative Pieces That Blend Fashion With Practicality Art Protest | Protest Meets Art

CBD Beauty and Balance | Upgrade Your Self-Care With CBD Tailoring Masculinity | How Are Celebrities Shaping Modern Fashion?

Clustering | The Interior Design Choice You Never Knew You Needed Teeth Jewelry | Gen Z’s Latest Obsession With Decorating Their Teeth Hair Flair | Accessories to Add to Your Next Look

Reiki Benefits | What the ‘Heal’ Is Reiki?

Easy as A,B,C | Can Your Personality Type Make or Break Your Career?

Bring the Rage, but Leave it in the Room | Do Rage Rooms Really Work?

Burning Bridges | When Does Lost Love Become a Continuous Mourning Cycle?

The Kink Revolution | The Future of BDSM in Gen Z Self-Objectification, but Make it Hot | Self-Love or Self-Destruction?

The Des Moines Drag Scene | The Challenges and Resilience of the LGBTQ Community in Des Moines Cooking Class Chaos | Join a Cooking Class at Culinary Annex

Fireside Martinis | Cocktails for the Cozy Season Garden Fresh: Pasta’s Perfect Pairing | Get Inspired by These Vegetable-Loaded Pasta Dishes Skater Style | Tips and Tricks to Incorporate Skate-Style Into Your Fashion The Art of Oversharing | The Oversharing Epidemic and Why We’re Not Feeling Heard Underneath the Armour | Offering a New Framework for Male Confidence Hoarding | A Closer Look at an Often Misunderstood Condition

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BITS + PIECES

WORDS ANNA GREENWALDT PHOTO SUMMER AHARTZ DESIGN TYLER STRACHAN

Your motto should be “reuse and recycle.” Junk journals are scrapbooks made from old treasures like concert tickets or photos to create a personal highlight reel. Empty the clutter from your brain, and let it fall onto the page. The page may be messy but your mind won’t be — the messier the page, the better.

When you go somewhere exciting, you want to remember it. Keep things from your excursions like tickets, receipts, luggage tags, pictures, and postcards to put into your junk journal. Glue these in alongside written anecdotes from the trip. Who knows — that picture from a night out might resurface when you and your college roommate reunite and reminisce.

If you love a movie you see in theaters, make the experience unforgettable by writing a review in your journal. Mark the occasion and decorate the page with ticket stubs. Print out pictures of the movie poster and characters, or stamp on related stickers to make the spread pop off the page.

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Use your junk journaling as a vision board, turning the page into an image of your ideal life and aesthetic. Spread your interests across the pages with your favorite books, TV shows, or music. Trust me — your future kids will get a kick out of your One Direction fan page, and it will provide solace when your favorite band member passes, if they haven’t already.

Flip through magazines, newspapers, old crosswords, or even sheet music to make a collage on the page. Find inspirational quotes that help guide you and center your spirit. Use stickers to fill in blank spaces. Look around for them in places like local coffee shops or art fests.

Your journal can also be used for habit tracking. Track your mood with stickers, colors, or washi tape. Practice self-love by writing daily affirmations.

Track mindful habits when you meditate, spend time in the fresh air, and do self-care. Cover the margins with objects from your mindfulness journey like pressed flowers from a walk or tea packets from your favorite calming drink.

BEDTIME BEAUTY BOOSTERS

WORDS LAINEY ARROL DESIGN JORDAN WYER

5 beauty items to elevate your nighttime routine Things can get messy before we hit the hay with wild sock curlers in our hair and goopy eye masks on. But when we embrace the madness and let sleep work its magic, we can wake up looking and feeling better than the night before. They don’t call it beauty sleep for nothing.

1. OVERNIGHT WHITENING GEL

Try an overnight whitening gel after brushing your teeth to give your smile some extra sparkle. This sticky serum might make chatting a bit awkward, especially when you pop in your retainer for that full ‘mouth gear’ effect. But when you brush the gel off in the morning, you’ll be ready to flash everyone with your pearly whites.

2. SLUGGING

Night creams are your skin’s savior, stepping in after a rough day to repair your skin while you catch some Z’s. Lock in your night cream’s moisture with an extra layer of Vaseline or Aquaphor. You might look like you’ve transformed into a slimy slug, but your skin will greet you with a smooth, dewy glow by morning.

3. EYE MASKS

If your eyes are plagued with dark circles, wrinkles, or puffiness, consider an eye mask. You can try stick-on patches or creams, but a cool washcloth or cucumber slices feel just as soothing. Apply your preferred treatment two to three times a week before bed.

SAVE TIME, STACK HABITS WORDS KYLIE PETTY PHOTO MARISSA DICKINSON DESIGN SARAH FEY

Bundle tasks to reclaim time in the chaos of everyday life.

In the chaos of everyday life, stacking your habits and routines can be a convenient way to save time. Stack a habit or two to get more done in your busy day.

1. DAILY GRIND

While folding laundry and putting dishes away might feel like mundane tasks, they have to get done. Chores often overshadow our self-care time but you can stack these habits to get the best of both worlds.

2. GET MOVING

Adding movement into your routine is important for your physical and mental health, but it can be difficult to fit into your schedule when life gets crazy. Luckily, it can be easy to pair squats and stretches with your other daily tasks.

3. MEDIA MATTERS

Hobbies like reading or catching up on the latest season of your favorite TV show can get pushed into the shadows when work or school calls. Listen to a podcast or put on a TV show while taking care of other work to make sure you’re getting your daily fill.

4. SELF-CARE STACKED

Mindfulness and self-care are frequently sacrificed when life gets chaotic. Stack things like face masks, meditations, or journaling at the end of your day to make the most of the time you have for yourself.

Busy people can sometimes get too comfortable with multi-tasking. Be mindful when stacking habits for a healthy way to blend your routines. With the constant forward flow of everyday life, taking a break may seem like a waste of time, but it’s better than burning out.

4. LASH SERUM

If you dream of longer, fuller, and healthier-looking lashes, lash serums are the answer. Applying almond or argan oil to your lash line can also do the trick. These treatments moisturize and protect to keep your lashes strong.

5. HEATLESS CURLS

Save time styling your hair in the morning with heatless curls. With slightly damp hair, twist or braid sections of slightly damp hair around socks.

Secure the twisted sections with hair ties to avoid wild bedhead when you wake up. You’ll wake up to perfectly styled hair without the extra morning hassle.

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BITS + PIECES

MULTI-USE JEWELRY

WORDS BELLA SPAH PHOTO SETH COUGHLIN DESIGN REESE MODUGNO

Practicality meets accessory Jewelry adds sparkle, it shines no matter the metal you prefer. It’s never been boring, but now it’s getting even more interesting — and practical. Find your perfect blend of style and practicality with these pieces:

1. FIDGET RINGS

If you can’t sit still, or crack your knuckles incessantly, fidget rings are calling your name. They claim to provide stress relief and improve concentration — even if that’s a marketing scheme, who doesn’t love a subtle and stylish fidget spinner? They’re a fashionable way to keep your hands busy and add movement to your look. They can be found in a multitude of styles and colors, tailoring to your unique aesthetic.

2. SMART RINGS

Have you ever seen a smart watch worn at a wedding? If you have, you might notice how the bulky jewlery sticks out like a sore thumb. Their allure is fading.

Tech rings, like the Oura Ring, can track heart rate, activity, and sleep — all through a small, discrete band. This is done through small sensors on the inside of the ring that don’t compromise its appearance. You’d never be able to tell the difference from a regular band — now you can wear it to a wedding, and make those 10,000 steps in heels count.

3. AROMATHERAPY NECKLACES

Stressed? Sniff some lavender. Have a nagging headache? Rub peppermint oil on your temples. No matter what ailment you’re trying to fix, essential oils can help. Pick up a few bottles for whatever potion you need, and apply two to three drops to the small absorbent patch inside the necklace. If you have sensitive skin, applying essential oils topically may be irritating, making aromatherapy necklaces a better choice.

4. RE-BANDING THE SMART WATCH

Smart watches were designed for practicality, not aesthetics. Our outfits shouldn’t suffer because we want to track our steps. Find a band that matches your style, adding some extra flash to your exercise journey. From eclectic stone beads to Rolex-looking bands, there are endless options to amp up your watch game.

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ART PROTEST WORDS GUNNER ONKST | DESIGN REESE MODUGNO

Does art protest make a real difference?

Once artwork is completed, it usually stays that way.

However, recent protesters have affected this permanence.

Art history is being vandalized by your local grocer’s soup, all in an effort to effect change in Western laws.

From tossing pea soup at Vincent Van Goh’s “The Sower,” to gluing hands to John Constable’s “The Hay Wain,” protesters across the globe are damaging famous artwork. They hope to gain their government’s attention to achieve change.

They believe their systems of power care more about these objects than facing the irreversible damage of climate change and food waste.

JP Morrison Lans, an artist from Tulsa, Oklahoma, says that when she first heard about this new form of protest, she thought this was out of left field.

“I thought ‘this is an interesting way to get attention, but is it actually effective?’” Lans says.

MONA LISA HAS DESSERT

In 2022, the “Mona Lisa” was served dessert for the first time in five hundred years, but she didn’t choose what was on the menu. Protesters smeared cake across the painting to raise attention to the ongoing issues of climate change.

Since 1956, the Mona Lisa has been vandalized six times, two of which were out of protest.

Fast forward to 2024, protesters representing Riposte Alimentaire, a food response campaign located in France, threw two cans of soup at the painting. They aimed their stew at the French government’s lack of action to establish sustainable food security.

The stained painting brought an outpour of media attention, but no governmental action was taken following the demonstration.

Mona remained unharmed, nestled up in her bulletproof glass case. She still stands tall in her 521-year history.

“Art’s incredibly important for our history,” Lans says. “I would find it very upsetting if something were actually permanently damaged.”

THE FOOD FIGHT CONTINUES

There have been numerous protests attempting to destroy famous artworks and bring attention to worldwide crises.

In 2022, protesters from Just Stop Oil, a British environmentalist group, smeared tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s painting, “Sunflowers.” The following year, protesters smeared paint on Edgar Degas’ ‘Little Dancer Aged Fourteen’ sculpture in response to the ongoing climate crisis.

These protests may be viral sensations, but the most action taken has been criminal charges against select protesters.

“What is happening is just making it harder to see art in museums,” Lans says. “I’d like to see actual climate change addressed by people in a more serious fashion — this isn’t a way to win.”

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AESTHETICS

CBD FOR BEAUTY AND BALANCE WORDS BELLA SPAH | PHOTO MADISSEN KERMAN | DESIGN GRACE O’MALLEY

CBD is a great way to ease into natural products and elevate your self-care game. While most beauty products over-promise this kind of thing, despite their laundry list of ingredients and parabens, Cannabidiol (CBD) — a nonpsychoactive derivative from the hemp plant — can be a natural alternative.

“I’m excited to see CBD integrated into regular … products for a combination and multiplicative [effects],” says Dr. Karan Lal, double board-certified dermatologist.

Lacie Navin, owner of Your CBD Store in Iowa explains how CBD affects your endocannabinoid system (ECS), which is the body’s self-regulator, releasing neurotransmitters that activate receptors in your hair, skin, and nails.

“We always want to be in homeostasis or total balance,” Navin says. “CBD is the ultimate balancer in the body.”

That’s a big promise for a little acronym. But if your interest is piqued (as ours was), take a breather and try this naturalingredient glow-up.

REST & RESTORE

Sleep is the best beauty product on the market but you can’t buy it on the shelf. Advocates for hemp-derived cosmetics suggest the solution to your designer undereye bags can be found in none other than CBD. Sleep gummies containing CBD, often referred to as edibles, contain the cannabinoid CBN, which is derived from aged THC. Note that THC isn’t legal in every state, so be aware of your local laws before visiting the local dispensary.

But these chewables may cause mild psychoactive effects — so if you don’t take ones designed for sleep, you might be up all night in a daze or catch a case of the munchies. “[CBN] is very good for any type of relaxation, sleep [or] anxiety,” says Michael TenHaken, co-owner of Your CBD Stores. “You actually sleep through the night, which … helps with [eye] bags and wrinkles.”

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Beauty’s secret weapon

“Epsom salt or magnesium will draw out toxins that are in the pores, leaving [them] open to receive CBD,” Navin says. “It’s helpful for people that have body aches and pains … and [CBD bath bombs] are relaxing.”

If hitting up the dispensary isn’t your vibe, try melatonin or making a bedtime routine and sticking to it. But if you need a sweet treat that doubles as your nightly sedative, CBN’s your bedside miracle.

HEALTHY HAIR, HAPPY SCALP

CBD supporters say the product added to hair oils, shampoos, and conditioners can promote hair growth by activating receptors in your hair follicle cells — ­­ without all those toxic ingredients in drugstore products. Some studies have also shown CBD can stimulate hair growth, tame frizz, and promote a healthy scalp through its antioxidants, antiinflammatory properties, and fatty acids.

Make sure to wash with soap before adding in the bath bomb — allow the oils to absorb into your skin for maximum benefits.

CBD is a relatively new advancement, so the research we have is limited.

“The data is limited and we have a lot of other ingredients that have similar claims,” Lal says.

But, it might be worth a try for CBD’s claimed benefits.

Navin says, “Give the plants a chance.”

You know your hair and what works best for your crown so experiment with CBD in products you already own. You do a test run with a DIY hair mask. Combine CBD oil with natural products like coconut oil, apply it to your scalp and hair, and leave it in for 5-10 minutes to stimulate hair growth and provide moisture. You can also add CBD oil to your current shampoo and conditioner for growth.

NATURE’S SKIN SECRET

Many products advertise acne relief and maximum hydration but they don’t address the root cause of these issues.

Advocates say CBD can help with that, too.

“Multiple reports and studies of CBD show it can help with dry and sensitive skin,” Lal says. “It’s a very safe ingredient and is safe for all skin conditions. It works best as a moisturizer to help with sensitive skin.”

Instead of topical creams, serums, and masks, CBD may balance whatever is off-kilter in your pores — be it dryness, oiliness, or any unwanted shine in those combination areas.

Skin is sensitive, so test a small area of your skin with the CBD product before slathering it across your face. We’re trying to reduce inflammation, not cause more. Similar to hair care, CBD can be combined with your current skincare products as a way to stick to routine while adding a little hemp.

Don’t forget the rest of your body — hemp bath bombs are a great addition to your skin routine and are proven anxiety reducers.

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AESTHETICS

Celebrity style icons redefining the modern male wardrobe

Long gone are the days of conventional masculinity.

Marlboro men aren’t riding horses and wearing chaps anymore. Now, they sip oat milk lattes while wearing trendy cowboy boots paired with well-tailored Levi’s.

Heartthrobs like Jacob Elordi and Paul Mescal upstyle the classic jeans and a T-shirt, enhancing them with small details like cross-body bags, chain necklaces, or quirky graphics. They appeal to the female gaze, tailoring their looks with hints of sensitivity like paperback books and wired headphones.

Fashion has come a long way since the turn of the century. Notions of what mainstream celebrities are supposed to wear are losing meaning as individuality rises to the forefront.

Galos says adding accessories or unique tailoring details “elevate what you’re wearing,” taking simple outfits to a couture level. Even something as simple as a gold chain adds a masculine touch.

“Men’s fashion is boring, but I think it’s because of how men are styled in the mainstream … there’s not many experimental shapes, colors, [or] textures,” says Kansas Citybased independent theatrical costume artist, Jacob Galos.

“A key point to finding … a personal style [is] working with your figure and knowing what looks good on you,” Galos says.

Most men still roll up to red carpets in the same black suit and white button-up — but change is coming. Masculine fashion innovators are pushing style to the next level.

INTENTIONALLY EFFORTLESS

When we think of celebrities, our minds may immediately conjure images of champagne and limousines, but some celebs look their best when in the role of the everyday man.

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Rapper A$AP Rocky’s street style is heavily influenced by 90s hip hop culture and skater fashion, favoring a relaxed, looser fit. Galos points out that “’90s loose cargo is back in, that skater … grunge silhouette.”

Galos comments that many of these fashions are regaining popularity, but more specifically working class brands, rather than high-end designers.

“It’s quite interesting to see cargo pants and Carhartt go into mainstream fashion … But I think it’s because it’s the most accessible [way to get] those silhouettes and textures,” Galos says.

WORDS STELLA PIHLSTROM | DESIGN EMILY ZELLER

DRESS TO IMPRESS

The quality of men’s fashion, especially formalwear, seems to be slipping further into the mundane. Celebrities and civilians alike seem content with throwing on whatever clothes seem serviceable. A classic tux is spiffy enough, but it gets old when repeated tenfold at every gala and red carpet under the sun.

Galos encourages us to look back in time at fashion of the past for inspiration. At a time before fast fashion became mainstream, placing consumerism above quality.

Beloved actor and frequent star of internet fancams, Pedro Pascal takes this advice in stride. His red carpet looks pull key influences from 1970s fashion. Pascal can be seen in high-waisted, wide-legged pants, featured in many looks along with funky details, like a brown crochet top or a mustard yellow cardigan.

EMBRACING FLUIDITY

“[Post-COVID-19] lockdown … even straight men experimenting with feminine silhouettes [and] garments has been more widely accepted,” Galos says. “I think it’s because people have more time during lockdown to discover themselves.”

When isolated from societal pressures, we’re more comfortable presenting how we want, not just how we’re expected to. But this self-comfort and confidence is spreading into our post-COVID-19 world.

Queer icons and rock legends like Prince and Freddy Mercury experimented with gender fluidity in fashion long before it was normalized. The foundation of these icons helped integrate androgyny into the mainstream, allowing celebrities like Lil Nas X to flourish in our current culture.

Nas is far from your typical Marlboro man. He is seen on red carpets in a neon pink cowboy hat one day, and a silver crop top the next. The glorious thing is that Nas isn’t an outcast.

He’s on the Hot 100 list right next to every straight dude who may as well be buying his clothes at Costco.

YOU DO YOU

In the words of poet Richard Eberhart, “style is the perfection of a point of view.” You don’t have to walk out of the house in a floor-length ball gown, but don’t be afraid to finetune your point of view through experimentation — dress like nobody’s watching.

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CLUSTE Maximalism takes a new form.

WORDS JACK HARRINGTON PHOTO CLAIRE MIANECKI DESIGN AVA LEIGH

You may or may not have heard of clustering from social media, but you’ve definitely seen a cluster in the wild. It’s a show of self-expression that uses items to illustrate your personality — in one cramped but beautiful space. Grab all of those knickknacks you can’t let go of, and find a space to start clustering.

WHAT IS CLUSTERING?

First, think maximalism — many objects placed together that may not have a lot in common beyond the fact that they’re next to each other.

But these clusters are methodically curated to paint a portrait of the curator’s identity.

Meghan Blum, owner of Meghan Blum Interiors, known for her timeless styles and design, has experience with maximalism and clustering.

“I’m a collector at heart, so I love the maximalist style. I love to put things you love around you and layer in lots of things,” Blum says. “It makes you happy to be surrounded by things that you love, and it helps tell the story of who you are. More is more and less is a bore.”

Clustering is intentional and tells a story about the creator. Each pile is an unconventional way of making your keepsakes a centerpiece in your space.

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ERING “One of my best pieces of advice is to buy things that you love,” Blum says.

“When you buy what you love you’ll always have a spot for it in your home.

When you just buy to buy, you will tire of it sooner than later, and it won’t have the standing power in design.”

UNIQUELY YOURS

Imagine putting your favorite Jane Austen novel, a seashell you got in southern Florida, a picture of you and your best friend, a weird ceramic clown figurine from your grandma, a small jewelry box, a ticket stub from the Sabrina Carpenter concert, and the lucky penny you found on the side of the street — all placed together on a windowsill. The real connection between these items is the love their owner holds for them. They all bring back memories.

One may call this clutter, untidiness, or even a mess. But those who cluster know the mess tells a story.

take over your entire life or house, just a certain space where you let your favorite tchotchkes take over.

“I am today years old on learning about the trend clustering,” Blum says.

“Although I had to look up the actual trend, clustering has been something we always do in design. Throughout a design in a space or kitchen, for example, we will cluster different groupings together. You’ll layer items of different scales, sizes, and shapes to form an interesting group together.”

Clustering boils down to selfexpression. It visualizes the clutter of your brain in an aesthetically pleasing way. It allows you to present yourself to the world in a way that showcases what you love and your niche set of unique interests.

“I love to weave the unique stories of each client into each space,” Blum says. “[I help them] tell the story of their life and how their home can be a place they feel energized and live a life in flow.”

CLUSTERING vs.

MAXIMALISM

Similar to many current trends, clustering gained popularity from TikTok. The topic may seem niche, but it’s found a home online and in people’s IRL abodes.

The true difference between clustering and maximalism — or the distant cousin, clutter — is that it doesn’t have to be everywhere. It doesn’t need to

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AESTHETICS

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TEETH JEWELRY Gems of the Midwest

WORDS GUNNER ONKST | PHOTO SUMMER AHARTZ | DESIGN EVE KELLY

It was inevitable. We’ve pierced ears, noses, lips, and even tongues — now people are decorating their teeth.

You can get hearts, diamonds, or even star shaped gems to decorate your mouth, tailored to your personal preference and aesthetic. You may want them big and flashy, or small and simple. No matter the size, these gems will add some extra sparkle to your teeth.

THE GEM TREND

This flashy trend is nothing new. Teeth accessories have existed as far back as the Mayan empire. Royalty would drill holes in their teeth to replace the gap with jade gems. They have been prevalent in mainstream pop culture since the hip hop era of the 1990s, where rappers and fashion icons alike would adorn their teeth with grillz, rhinestones, and crystals.

Despite its popularity, Deja Smith, the owner of Midwest Gemz, noticed that the Midwest is extremely late to the trend.

“I remember going to New York in 2019, and my friend had gems on her teeth,” Smith says. “I was like ‘What the heck is that?’ She’s like, ‘Girl it’s been around forever!’”

Three years later, Smith found herself in California where she saw her friend putting gems on people’s teeth. Curious about the process, she asked him for one.

“He gave me my first gem. It was a heart on my tooth,” Smith says.

Seeing how happy it made her, Smith knew it was something she wanted to introduce to people back in the Midwest.

Mastering the Craft

Before she opened her business, Smith took online courses to learn the training and technique of applying gems on teeth. What she didn’t expect was the excitement people had once she started tabling at local expos in the Des Moines area.

“I remember my first event,” Smith says. “People were like, ‘I’m next!’ and I wanted to leave right then, but I stayed and worked until ten o’clock at night.”

Each time Smith would finish a design, a new person would appear asking for gems. Smith was a natural at the simple designs and she wanted to learn more.

“After [the event] I started to learn more about the process with different gems, glue, and new designs you can do. I wanted to make my business better,” Smith says.

How It’s Done

Tooth gems are pretty resistant and durable on teeth. Smith ensures this by making sure the teeth are dry, clean, and ready before composite and blue etch.

Composite bonding and blue etch are used quite often in the dental industry. Blue etch is mainly used for fillings and braces, while composite bonding is used to attach chipped teeth and fix discoloration.

Smith puts on the blue etch first to dry the tooth out. Next, she mixes the composite bonding together and smoothly places it on the surface where the gem will be shown.

Finally, she applies it with a cotton swab and mixes it together. Smith also notes that less is more as you don’t want the glue to cover your gems. After the application, Smith sets the glue with a blue light to secure the gem.

Smith is currently taking bookings through her Instagram, @midwest.gemz.

Finding The Right Aesthetic

Jasmine Arroyo, an avid teeth gem wearer, learned what was best for her through experimentation with different designs.

“I would try to get inspo from Pinterest, but sometimes the designs wouldn’t work on my teeth,” Arroyo says. “I would just kind of do whatever felt right.”

Arroyo purchases her gems from Amazon as they offer a starter kit that includes the gems as well as cotton swabs and glue.

Is Teeth Jewelry Here To Stay?

“Gen Z likes to do random shit,” Arroyo says.

She recognizes how short our generation’s attention span is when it comes to trends. But currently, Smith’s business is flourishing. She’s seeing three to five clients each week on top of her full time job.

“It’s another trend that’s coming back,” Smith says.

“Everybody is being creative right now especially since Y2K is trendy again. People are becoming more free and risky, and I like that.”

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AESTHETICS

HAIR FLAIR WORDS ELIZABETH ROSA | PHOTO CLAIRE MIANECKI | DESIGN MARIA HERNANDEZ

Hair accessories for all textures and styles

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Expressing individuality with your hair is just as important as your clothes. Hair accessories are completely customizable for your own style and hair type, with plenty of room for experimentation and creativity.

A walk through the hair section at the local Target or CVS can be a bummer — with the constant rotation of trending doodads — it’s never quite what you’re looking for. Luckily, you don’t have to settle for what’s on the shelf.

Some accessories won’t work for everyone — and that’s ok.

Experiment until you find what suits you and your style.

Making your own accessory or embellishing on what you already have might be the vibe for adapting to fit your look that feels a little different everyday. If you’re masculine presenting, you don’t have to compromise your identity to wear a clip from Claire’s — own that. Tie a bow if you want a feminine touch. There aren’t any rules. It’s your own hair, and we love you for it.

“There are so many ways to style your hair,” says Lauren Strange, a hairstylist who provides gender-affirming haircuts in Urbandale, Iowa. “Even if [you don’t want] to present feminine [energy].”

CLIP CRAZE

Experiment with clips that show your personality and compliment your hair type. Whatever aesthetic you’re looking for — polished, eclectic, or quirky — there’s a clip for you.

If you’re looking to achieve the ‘clean girl’ look, a classic claw clip will never do you wrong. Pull your hair back, twist your hair up, and clip those magical locks. For longer hair, twist all the hair into a bun shape, and clip so it holds it all — as if that could ever happen.

If you love the look of a clip, but some don’t hold the shape you’re looking for, try a banana clip. After all, ‘90s trends are coming back. They’re great for pulling hair back without the tension of a tie — a perfect option for curly hair.

If you have locs or braids — hair clips work for you, too.

When searching, look for clips labeled for textured hair.

Large clips with flexible prongs are the way to go — they can bend to hold textured or styled hair.

TIE IT UP

If you’re looking for a simple way to add a bit of chic to your style, ribbon is a great option — and you may already have a spool sitting in a drawer. No matter the hairdo, adding a ribbon creates a feminine and polished look.

Tying a ribbon around a ponytail is an easy way to elevate your hairstyle. This works just as well with a half-up pony and it adds a touch of glamor.

Ribbons are a lavish accessory perfect for all hair types and styles — add them to the ends of braids or braid it in to add depth to your style.

Ribbons can double as headbands for a simple, yet classy look. It’s an effortless way to add a bit of chic while keeping your hair out of your face.

Another object of great potential: scarves and fabrics.

Using scarves to wrap your hair is a great way to prevent damage and create a sleek look. Depending on the pattern or color of the scarf, they can be timeless, fitting any aesthetic from hippy bohemian, to the ‘50s. You can even achieve Audrey Hepburn glamor, or channel Diana Ross by experimenting with different fabrics like fishnet, and sequins.

GET CRAFTY

Be creative about how you could transform different knick-knacks. Look around your house or at a local craft store. Add beads, ribbon, or charms to revamp your old boring accessories like bobby pins and clips. It’s a sure way to fit your every accessory need — hair type and personal style.

Braid in or string beads through your hair to add playfulness.

For an alternative or edgy look, try incorporating hardware like hoops, rings, and other metallic accessories to add depth to your styles.

However, beading and braiding hair isn’t new — various cultures have been doing it for centuries. It’s okay to take inspiration from other cultural trends, but make sure your acquired style isn’t appropriating other cultures.

When looking for accessory inspiration, the resources are at your fingertips.

“Definitely [use] social media. I really love Pinterest,” Strange says. “I love that you can click on one picture … scroll down, and there’s [images] of a similar vibe.”

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FEATURES

WORDS LAINEY ARROL | PHOTO JAYDEN JAMES | DESIGN MARIA HERNANDEZ

FIRESIDE MARTINIS Shake up your cocktail game with these seasonal martini recipes.

Gingerbread Martini Total Time: 10 minutes Serves: 4 Ingredients: 2 Tbsp. vanilla frosting for garnish Gingerbread cookie crumbs for garnish Ice 5 oz vodka 3 oz gingerbread syrup 5 oz Irish cream liqueur 1.

2.

3.

4.

Coat martini glass rims in frosting and crushed gingerbread cookies.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice, vodka, gingerbread syrup, and Irish cream liqueur.

Shake 30 seconds.

Strain into a martini glass.

Cranberry Martini Total Time: 10 minutes Serves: 4 Ingredients: Ice 8 oz vodka 4 oz cranberry juice 2 oz triple sec 2 oz lime juice Cranberries for garnish Cocktail picks 1.

2.

3.

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Fill a cocktail shaker with ice, vodka, cranberry juice, triple sec, and lime juice.

Shake 30 seconds.

Strain into a martini glass and garnish with cranberries on cocktail picks.

Espresso Martini Total time: 10 minutes Serves: 4 Ingredients: Ice 8 oz vodka 4 oz Kahlua 4 espresso shots 2 oz simple syrup Espresso beans for garnish 1.

2.

3.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice, vodka, Kahlua, espresso, and simple syrup.

Shake 30 seconds or until foamy.

Strain into a martini glass and garnish with espresso beans.

Apple Cider Martini Total Time: 10 minutes Serves: 4 Ingredients: 2 Tbsp. simple syrup Ice 12 oz apple cider 12 oz vodka 4 oz triple sec 4 oz lemon juice 4 oz maple syrup Dried apple slices for garnish 1.

2.

3.

4.

Coat martini glass rim in simple syrup and dried apple slices.

Fill a cocktail shaker with ice, apple cider, vodka, triple sec, lemon juice, and maple syrup.

Shake 30 seconds.

Strain into a martini glass.

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FEATURES

GARDEN FRESH:

PASTA’S PERFECT PAIRING Vegetable-inspired pasta recipes to try this fall

WORDS LAINEY ARROL PHOTO JAYDEN JAMES DESIGN AVA LEIGH

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FIG & PUMPKIN SEED BRUSCHETTA Total time: 25 minutes Serves: 4 Ingredients: Bruschettini toasts 4 oz cream cheese 4 oz goat cheese 2 Tbsp. honey ¼ cup pumpkin seeds ½ cup fig jam

Instructions: In a medium bowl, mix cream cheese, goat cheese, and honey until smooth.

Lay out mini bruschetta toasts on a serving plate and top with a spoonful of the cheese mixture, fig jam, and pumpkin seeds.

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Total time: 30 minutes Serves: 3 Ingredients: 16 oz penne pasta 1 Tbsp. olive oil 1 shallot, finely chopped 1 tsp. garlic, minced 2 tsp. butter ½ cup heavy cream 1 cup Parmesan cheese, finely grated ¼ cup unsweetened pumpkin puree Salt, to taste Pumpkin seeds, for garnish

Instructions: Cook penne pasta according to package instructions. Drain and set aside.

Heat olive oil in a medium pan over medium heat. Add chopped shallot and sauté 1 to 2 minutes, until tender.

Stir in garlic and butter, cooking an additional minute.

Add heavy cream, Parmesan, and pumpkin puree. Stir until smooth and combined.

Simmer 5 to 6 minutes, stirring occasionally and season with salt to taste.

Stir pasta into the sauce and coat evenly.

Garnish with additional Parmesan cheese and pumpkin seeds.

PUMPKIN ALFREDO PASTA 21

WINTER 2024

BUTTERNUT SQUASH RAVIOLI

Instructions: Cook ravioli according to package instructions. Drain and set aside.

In a medium skillet, melt butter over medium heat. Add diced shallots and sauté 5 to 7 minutes, until softened. Stir in garlic, 1 Tbsp. thyme, and sage, and sauté another 1 to 2 minutes until fragrant.

Add cubed butternut squash and a ½ cup of vegetable broth to the skillet. Cover and let simmer 10 to 12 minutes, stirring occasionally, until squash is fork-tender.

Blend cooked squash, the other ½ cup of vegetable broth, Parmesan cheese, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes until smooth, adding broth to adjust consistency.

Toss cooked ravioli in butternut squash sauce and garnish with remaining thyme.

Total time: 30 minutes Serves: 4 Ingredients: 16 oz cheese ravioli 2 Tbsp. butter 2 medium shallots, diced 1 Tbsp. garlic, minced 2 Tbsp. fresh thyme 1 Tbsp. chopped sage 2 cups butternut squash, cubed 1 cup vegetable broth ½ cup grated Parmesan cheese Pinch of salt and pepper ½ tsp. red pepper flakes

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Instructions: In a medium saucepan, mix brown sugar, cornstarch, half-and-half, and egg yolks.

BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING

Total time: 70 minutes Serves: 3 Ingredients: ½ cup brown sugar 1.5 Tbsp. cornstarch 1 ⅓ cups half-and-half 2 egg yolks 1 Tbsp. butter 1 Tbsp. vanilla extract 4 ginger snap cookies Whipped cream

Cook on medium heat, stirring continuously. Once the mixture begins to bubble, remove from heat.

Whisk in butter and vanilla extract.

Let mixture chill in the refrigerator 1 hour or until set.

To assemble flight, in three serving cups layer 1/3 of the pudding, a dollop of whipped cream, one crumbled ginger snap. Repeat layers once.

Serve chilled.

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PUMPKIN PIE

Total time: 15 minutes Serves: 3

Ingredients: 1 ½ cups pumpkin pie filling Whipped cream 6 Tbsp. chopped walnuts Ground nutmeg, for garnish

Instructions: To assemble flight, in three serving cups layer 2 Tbsp. pumpkin pie filling, a dollop of whipped cream, 1 Tbsp. chopped walnuts, a dollop of whipped cream and sprinkle with ground nutmeg.

Instructions: Cut apple bread into 6 circular slices using the serving cup’s rim.

APPLE BREAD

Total time: 15 minutes Serves: 3

Ingredients: 1 loaf apple bread 6 Tbsp. caramel sauce Whipped cream Ground cinnamon, for garnish

To assemble flight, in three serving cups layer one slice of apple bread, 1 Tbsp. caramel sauce, one slice of apple bread. Repeat layers once. Add a dollop of whipped cream, and sprinkle with ground cinnamon.

DESSERT FLIGHTS DRAKE MAG

24

WELLNESS

REIKI BENEFI Ancient healing for the modern adult

WORDS ELIZABETH ROSA DESIGN AVA LEIGH

Laying on a massage table, someone holds their hands above you, scanning your body — never touching you, but sensing your energy. How do you know it’s working? Because you somehow feel the negative energy releasing.

Reiki is an ancient Eastern healing practice that’s existed for over 2,500 years. It claims to remove negative energy, promoting physical and emotional healing. It might be the addition to your wellness journey you never knew you needed.

THE REALITY BEHIND THE MAGIC

“I like to think of Reiki as tuning into the universal [life] source energy that exists all around us,” says Sheena

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Green, owner and Reiki practitioner at Flourishing Roots Wellness in Urbandale, Iowa.

Reiki claims to activate natural healing elements within the body to assist with all levels of being: emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual. The idea is to channel positive energies and release the bad, promoting physical and non-physical healing. Think of it as an offshoot of meditation, with more metaphysical powers at play. With your eyes closed, the rest of your senses are heightened, fully immersing you into the experience.

“When a client is on the table, I connect to their energy and start to scan their whole body to see [what stressors] pop out,” Green says. “The most prominent things that you need help with are likely to come up in a session.”

Reiki sessions look different for everyone. Individual practitioners have unique practices — they might use a sound bath, crystals, or essential oils. It might sound a little eccentric, but why shoot down a chance for newfound inner healing?

Reiki’s effects depend on your personal goals and what your practitioner discovers during the session.

“As I go through different Reiki positions — that’s where my intuitive and psychic research plays a part,” Green says. “[My abilities show me] different techniques on where to place my hands to flow energy better.”

WHAT A BUNCH OF HOCUS POCUS

Like many other holistic and alternative medicines, Reiki has its skeptics. We have no idea if this will cure what ails you. But we do know this ancient healing practice is still around for a reason, and it certainly works for some.

“I was very skeptical before I went in,” says Matt Eveland, a client of Reiki Healing in Des Moines, Iowa.

ITS Eveland says his skepticism is influenced by his religion, worrying he is betraying his Christian faith. Reiki is not a religious practice nor does it operate under any God or Deity.

Instead, practitioners urge people to think of Reiki as an energetic system that exists in its own space, separate from religion.

“It’s different for every person — depending on how comfortable they are looking inwards,” Green says. “[People that] release expectations tend to have transformative sessions.

They don’t have to do anything but be open to the energy.”

Brynn Miller, a full-time college student and athlete says her interest in Reiki kick-started her spiritual journey.

“I was a little scared,” Miller says. “But, it only took five minutes [of my first Reiki session to feel] all this weight that I had been carrying lifted off my body. I had a break from all those thoughts rushing through my head — I had a moment of genuine peace.”

A FULL BODY CLEANSE

“During my sessions, I like to clear out all [of the negative energy] that doesn’t belong to that person,” Green says.

“When they walk out they feel lighter, less burdened, and there’s less noise in their head.”

Reiki enthusiasts say it has a positive effect on anxiety — something many can identify with.

“I’m a very high-strung person and I have really bad anxiety,” Miller says. “I had trouble finding a way to overcome [anxiety before Reiki].”

Reiki can also help reduce physical ailments by removing negative, nervous energy and redirecting positive energy back into the body.

“I bottled up [all this negative energy] and I physically carried tension in my shoulders and neck,” Eveland says. “I didn’t realize, [because] I thought it was from a past injury. But after a couple of sessions [with Green] I was able to relax and lower my shoulders and … get rid of some of the shame I was carrying.”

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU

“I’ve tried normal therapy. I’ve tried self-sabotage. I’ve tried just about everything that is available to fix my mental state,” Eveland says.

It’s easy to feel hopeless — it’s human nature. We can turn to self-destructive and unhealthy coping mechanisms that only hurt us in the long run. But if it works for you, Reiki can offer a much more beneficial and mindful alternative.

“I was able to make about a year’s worth of progress [on my mental state] … in one [Reiki] session,” Eveland says.

Reiki is all about practicing mindfulness. It’s a way to maintain positive energy and a state of clarity.

“People can walk in with a big energetic backpack of stress,” Green says. “[Reiki sessions are] a time where they can set that down and let their nervous system relax.”

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WELLNESS

EASY AS

ABC

WORDS KYLIE PETTY DESIGN GRACE O’MALLEY

Uncover your personality type and what it means for your career.

Your personality type can affect your strengths and weaknesses in your professional life.

Learn from these and use them to your advantage.

Start by taking this quick quiz to know your personality type then read on for what to do next.

TYPE A, B, OR C QUIZ What motivates you to complete a task?

A. The reward B. The journey to the end result C. To help others out Which words describe you the best?

A. Competitive, logical, ambitious B. Flexible, patient, procrastinator C. Conflict-resistant, sensitive, detail-oriented Which describes your general relationship with others?

A. I like to be in control of my interactions with others and am a decisive leader.

B. I have good people skills and am patient in my relationships.

C. I like to help out and am sensitive to others’ feelings.

How do you tackle tasks?

A. I take on multiple tasks at a time to prioritize productivity.

B. I tend to take tasks one at a time.

C. I am dedicated and focus on small details of tasks to achieve perfection.

How do you generally make decisions?

A. I can jump to decisions because I work at an urgent pace.

B. I might procrastinate, but I always make well-thought-out decisions.

C. I thoroughly research my options and think of the possible outcomes before deciding.

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TYPE A

TYPE B

If you mostly answered A, you likely lean toward a Type A personality. You are ambitious, hardworking, and driven, but tend to be competitive and easily stressed. Practice self-care and schedule activities outside of work, giving yourself time to casually connect with colleagues and friends.

Answering B to most of the questions means you’re likely a Type B personality. You’re easy-going, adaptable, and tend to have lower stress levels.

Down side: You may tend to accept unfair treatment due to conflict-avoidance and procrastinate work.

Leave space to make mistakes and learn from them.

Brandis McFarland, a professional mental health counselor, says, “Nobody knows the job until they start doing the job … [expecting] to know the answers to every single thing that [comes up] when just starting a job is a fool’s errand.”

Understand that asking questions and receiving feedback isn’t showing weakness, it’s necessary to grow as an employee.

Tori Oliver, a marketing employee at DotDash Meredith, says, “If you … want to climb the ladder or move forward, if all [you’re] hearing is good things, you’re not hearing how you can do better to get to that next stage.”

Some people think Type B people lack ambition, when in reality, they’re just afraid to start because they fear they’ll do it wrong.

The differences between Type A and B personalities can create tension, but Type B people are great to have around when stress levels get high.

“There’s an advantage sometimes to being a type B in that they don’t get so caught up in the day-today,” McFarland says. “I think B is for balance.”

Be proactive with communication and keep yourself accountable, but continue balancing your work and personal life.

Learn from your superiors and mentors, they’re there to help. You’re your biggest critic but remember that feedback is valuable.

TYPE C Answering mostly C means — you guessed it — you’re probably a Type C. You’re cooperative, a planner, and empathetic. These strengths may cause you to be nonconfrontational and less assertive than other personalities because you value the comfort of others over your own. “[Being] sensitive to the feelings of others is something that can get overlooked in the workplace, because at the end of the day, we’re people, and we have feelings,” Oliver says.

“You have to be willing to advocate for yourself,” Oliver says.

“Even if it’s not a negative confrontation, it’s like, ‘Hey, I’m really interested in this. I would love an opportunity to learn more.’”

Be gentle with yourself. Mistakes aren’t the end of the world or your career.

Type C personalities help keep the peace and build bridges.

Make your heightened sense of empathy your superpower.

WORKING TOGETHER Each personality type has strengths and weaknesses, but one isn’t better than another. The best workplace environments have all three.

“We need all different kinds of people,” McFarland says. “We all bring our own strengths and weaknesses to the team.”

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WELLNESS EZ

NAND

R E H T G N I N R I B T I E V A E L T BU AN

SSERM ILY WA RDS L

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rsis Catha

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DEN O JAY | PHOT

JAMES

IA HER

|D

MAR ESIGN

E G RA E H T N With a thud, the hammer hits the mannequin, toppling it to the concrete floor. Armed with safety goggles, jumpsuits, and baseball bats, participants let loose onto a printer until it’s flat and all its machinery guts scatter across the ground.

These rage sanctuaries are created to externalize feelings of rage, transforming clenched teeth and boiling blood to broken bottles and keyboards.

Why would we take our rage to a room? Maybe we don’t know how to handle the complicated feelings after a breakup, or we just had a long week. Or possibly we’re just curious about this unconventional space designed to smash your rage out.

TAKING UP THE HAMMER

Brooklyn McLemore and Abigail Webb rage out in Smash Room Iowa in Des Moines as one of them vents about going through a “really nasty breakup with a very toxic person.”

It can be hard to find an outlet for anger — retail therapy isn’t going to work every time. So why not take your anger out on a set of fine china?

“I could deal with all of my other emotions. Sadness, I could cry it out. Relief, I could feel that. But anger — you can’t just walk up to a guy on the street and punch him,” McLemore says.

Despite what constantly gets thrown at them by society and peers, women are frequently labeled as overly emotional when they express rage, where anger portrays power for men.

“There’s an overall feeling that you shouldn’t be angry, [that] anger is wrong, especially with women,” says Ricc Terranova, a licensed mental health counselor who runs anger management therapy groups at Broadlawns Clinic in Des Moines, Iowa. “[Anger] isn’t [as] acceptable for a woman as it is for a man.”

But McLemore and Webb didn’t care what anyone thought as they tore through the room.

“We smashed like 30 bottles … That felt so good,” McLemore says. “[And a] printer. We just demolished that sucker.”

There’s a moment of relief when we figure out how to harness the anger from within.

“I just feel so alive,” McLemore says. “I feel like I can go home and actually sleep instead of being like … ‘life sucks.’”

ALTERNATIVE OUTLETS

Professionals largely disapprove of using rage rooms to deal with overwhelming emotions.

“Catharsis of aggressive or violent tendencies doesn’t work,” says Craig Anderson, a professor of psychology at Iowa State University. “Attempts to reduce aggression by expressing anger [only] increases the likelihood of later aggression.”

This doesn’t mean rage rooms can’t be helpful when you need to blow off some steam — it just needs to be a conscious decision. “[When] going to a rage room … there’s the control. But if you go home, and your instinct is to smash your apartment up, there’s two different types of anger involved there,” Terranova says. “Instead of putting it through the windshield, hang on till tomorrow when the rage room’s open and go there.”

TO RAGE OR NOT TO RAGE

Rage rooms aren’t going to solve all of your problems. If you’re experiencing anger issues, there may be better avenues.

“Until you get to the root cause of what you’re thinking and why that’s affecting how you’re feeling, [rage rooms aren’t] going to be the most effective way of dealing with anger,” says Nancy Lynch, a retired social worker who follows the cognitive behavioral therapy approach.

It’s best to approach your feelings of stress or anger with a growth mindset. Look inward to the messy memories that might be causing your emotions. Challenge preconceived notions or ideas that are causing those powerful feelings, and create a plan to move forward.

“Talk to somebody,” Lynch says. “You don’t have to go to a therapist. Talk to a friend or someone whose advice you value.”

Sometimes rage rooms can be a healthy demonstration of anger if you plan accordingly. It can be difficult to reconcile with anger, making rage rooms a convenient relief.

“It just felt like a release of everything,” McLemore says. “I feel so peaceful now … My ears are definitely ringing, but it’s still quiet somehow.”

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WELLNESS

I sat with a box of matches watching the careful flames inch over old letters and items that I held close to my heart. I tearfully watched them burn away before my very eyes.

There was fire inside me before I ever lit the match.

A burning flickering deep inside my chest, fueled by someone I had come to realize would never love me as much as I loved them. I hated him for it, but I was mostly angry with myself for ignoring it as long as I did.

I panicked for a second as the flames started. What was I doing? I reached out to stop my things from burning, but something pulled me back. It wasn’t long before my treasures were gone. Forever. And I cried as my fingers sifted through the new ash.

I felt an intense weight fall off my shoulders. The smoke cleared as the ashes floated behind me, and I felt better than I had in awhile.

Those mementos that I had loved and re-read constantly from that love, I realized after a while, no longer brought me joy. In fact, they weighed me down. And when they were gone I felt free.

It’s wonderful to hold these keepsakes: post-its tacked on the fridge, photographs from vacations, or a stuffed animal won for you at the county fair. It’s not wrong to bring yourself back into the moments you received these keepsakes, but when does looking back on good times turn into being locked in the past?

BAD BURNING

“Our brain chemistry is totally altered for about the first 12 to 18 months of falling in love,” says Ben Beeson, a marriage and family therapist assistant at the Counseling Center of Iowa City. “There’s a huge boost in oxytocin, which is a chemical in the brain that basically enhances bonding. When you’re dealing with a breakup, we’re actually dealing with a return to the normal state of our brain chemistry.”

Dealing with the fallout of a relationship is like experiencing a death. While it may not be to such an extreme degree, the loss you feel sparks pain the same way.

“My definition for grief as a therapist is ‘anytime the future that we imagined is no longer possible, we go through a grieving process,’” Beeson says.

However, Beeson is not in favor of burning items belonging to your ex as a tonic for any lingering overwhelming emotions.

“I understand the feeling of wanting to burn these, but why do we have to eradicate [them] right now?”

WORDS CAROLINE SIEBELS-LINDQUIST DESIGN SARAH FEY

BURNING BRIDGES A breakup funeral might be the closure you’re craving.

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Beeson says. “Is this something that you’re not going to want to process later? Or is it so important that we get rid of these items now because they’re hammering your healing?”

For me it was the latter. But Beeson suggests you allow yourself time to process the breakup before you end up burning or doing anything permanently.

If not, you won’t be able to fully process it later.

There are many other ways to remove someone from your life. This is your chance to follow your own path and decide the best way to heal.

BETTER OPTIONS

My ex gave me a crystal, so I gave it to a friend of mine. Old shoe boxes can store those items under your bed or deep inside your closet — out of sight, out of mind. If your ex wants any of their stuff back, set up a time for an exchange. Sometimes there’s no need to add more fuel to the fire.

“Ask yourself, are these items preventing me from progressing?” Beeson says. “And if they are, what is the best way for me to remedy my surroundings?”

Remember the good times, honor the impact your love had on your life, and allow yourself to dwell on their photograph one last time.

After the burning in my backyard, I finally noticed the sun breaking through the clouds. It was funny, because it had been a long time since I’d seen it.

Beeson notes that for the grieving process, there’s no one size fits all.

“There’s no shortcut through grief. There’s no one thing, one weird hack, so you can get through your grief,” Beeson says. “It’s a full process, and it involves experiencing a full range of emotions.”

There’s no right or wrong way to go about removing someone’s presence from your life, whether temporarily or permanently. You know what’s best for your healing journey, not someone else. Burning was just the right route for me at the time.

The person I was during that romance is gone. So is the person that I loved. I wanted my surroundings to reflect that.

There’s nothing you can do to fully erase someone from your mind — this isn’t the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” — it’s real life. But, you can slowly remove their heavy ghost from your shoulders.

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CULTURE

THE KINK REVOLUTION BDSM - The Gen Z way

Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism.

BDSM — a subculture focused on erotic behavior and sexual practices — has been misjudged and Gen Z is ready to take out the handcuffs.

Gen Z is throwing out traditional sexuality and gender roles, allowing space for sexual experimentation. It’s about creating spaces for people to find what makes them feel confident in bed — or not even in a bed. Maybe it’s locked to a chair with pink, fuzzy cuffs — the idea is whatever makes you feel best when getting it on.

MISCONCEPTIONS OF BDSM

Kinks have often been misinterpreted as stemming from trauma, fueling the stigma around BDSM. There is a

WORDS SHYLEE SALADI DESIGN SARAH FEY

misconception that kinksters — people into kink — are somehow damaged.

“There is also the belief that any kind of engagement with kink is indicative of trauma, bad relationships, or some kind of personal failure,” says Margaret Canero, a sexual health coach based in Des Moines, Iowa. “[Kinks] can be used as a way to navigate trauma, but it’s not some sort of requirement to have trauma in order to be into different things.”

But BDSM can be a tool for individuals who have experienced harm to regain their sense of control healthily and productively. It can offer a way to safely explore one’s desires.

“After experiencing trauma, I made sure I was in control during intimate moments,” says an anonymous member of the BDSM community.

“Discovering BDSM helped me learn about myself and find a supportive community.”

BDSM can offer a way for participants to escape into their fantasies, including roleplay.

“Many professionals who are traumainformed … will recognize roleplay [as] an incredibly powerful tool in healing,” Canero says. “We should focus on how to make sure people are able to engage with their desires in the healthiest and most ethical ways.”

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PRACTICE BDSM WITH CARE

BDSM can be a personalized and exciting experience. You can express yourself in intimate settings to find a sense of belonging and deeper connection.

“Once you pull at the thread of kink and BDSM, you learn that it is all about pleasure, consent, fun, connection, intimacy, and expression,” Canero says.

Consent is key in any sexual interaction, kinky or not.

“Within kinky spaces [it’s important to] make sure everyone is feeling safe, secure, having fun, and feeling good,” Canero says. “This can include negotiations and disclosures where you are deciding what things will look like … safe words [and] gestures, aftercare preferences, emergency protocol, and so on.”

These safety protocols can look different depending on the kink practice.

“Some kinks will need more information and safety measures in place such as breath play, weapon play, restraints or rigging, or anything that could do harm to one’s body or mind,” Canero says.

Because of BDSM’s complicated and potentially dangerous aspects, it’s important that your partner respects your boundaries and chosen safety protocols. Talking someone through it can be hot and healthy when put into practice.

“I personally always make sure my partner or whoever I’m doing anything with is comfortable, and we talk about what’s ok and what’s not,” the BDSM community member says.

Consent is gaining significant visibility in discussions about sexuality, especially among Gen Z — redefining what it means. As we edge into adulthood, sex becomes a common addition to our relationships. With sexual assault making up 43% of on-campus crimes in the United States according to the American Psychological Association, we are fighting for more comprehensive and inclusive sex education. Consent is about focusing on clear communication for any sexual activity, from oral sex to dry humping or using toys.

introduction to kink. In the age of the internet, we’re provided unrestricted access to porn. We’re challenging the long-standing taboos associated with non-traditional sexual practices, including power play, edging, and even hair pulling.

BDSM allows people to start exploring more openly what intimacy means to them.

“BDSM, to me, is pretty simple. It’s being who you want to be and being happy,” the BDSM community member says. “You don’t need to feel like you did something wrong or you were born wrong — if you are happy, that’s all that matters.”

Honest communication about what you and your partner want is key to building trust in your relationship — and a good sex life.

BDSM IN GEN Z

Gen Z grew up with media normalizing kinks, making us more open-minded to non-traditional sexuality than generations before us. The “Fifty Shades” trilogy was a lot of our first

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CULTURE

SELF-OBJECTIFICATION, BUT MAKE IT HOT WORDS DASHAE ENGLER DESIGN JORDAN WYER

Picture this: You buy a new top. As you try it on, you feel desirable. All day, you can’t help but look in the mirror and relish in the constant compliments you receive. Feeling sexy, you are that girl.

Now, a different scenario: You try on a shirt and instantly hate how it makes you look. You push past the discomfort and wear it anyway because it follows the societal standards of how women should dress. When you step outside, you are hyper-aware of your body and hope no one sees you.

Both scenarios are forms of selfobjectification and can damage how you view yourself.

Balancing self-empowerment in an unforgiving culture

their desirability and play into the hegemonic patriarchy.

Halen Becker, member of Mr. Softheart, a local rock band in Des Moines says, “[entertainment is] what I went to school for — being in theater. There’s a whole audition process.”

She was expected to dress, sing, introduce herself, and even maintain a certain type of eye contact to impress casting directors.

“It’s a very manicured version of yourself,” Becker says.

Internalized Surveillance

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mined deter

Women in entertainment have to leverage their objectification to stay relevant in an industry that pushes them into an elephant graveyard at the first sign of aging. Being desirable is part of the job but it shouldn’t be the main component. They are constantly praised and criticized for their overtly sexual nature, so they tend to leverage

eous gorg

“[Objectification] is internalized surveillance — the idea that I know I’m being objectified, and therefore, I’m going to leverage that in a way that benefits me,” says Karen Christiansen, a professor of media, gender, and sexuality at Des Moines Area Community College.

Changing the Conversation

This isn’t just a problem for women in the entertainment industry. Women everywhere self-objectify. If you catch yourself constantly befriending the mirror — you’ve been self-objectified.

So has Becker. So have I.

“Being a feminine person in the world, there are a lot of pressures that society puts on a person to look, dress, or behave a certain way,” Becker says. “I would like to think that I’m past caring.

I wonder sometimes if I’m not. It’s so deeply ingrained in me that I don’t notice it anymore.”

doesn’t make you any less beautiful just because it doesn’t fit the societal standards for the perfect, desirable woman.

“The culture benefits a small portion of people. It hurts everyone to place a certain worth on one body over another,” Becker says. “Even somebody who is seen as the ideal [beauty-type].”

Can we limit that need to self-analyze?

Can we just wear the shirt that feels good and toss the one that doesn’t?

Can it ever be that simple for a woman?

What’s a girl to do? To be hot is to play into the culture oppressing us.

“I can think of people [who] do dress for themselves even if it’s not aligned with a typical feminine thing to wear. [Most of us] lose some surveillance elements later in life,” Christiansen says.

There is no logical way to get out of objectifying yourself because patriarchy itself is messy. The best we can do is be kind and patient with ourselves and others.

Who’s Hot, and Who’s Not?

Our media has a hot problem. In America, women typically get praised due to their proximity to ideal feminine whiteness. Thin but curvy in the right places, young, European features, skinny nose, and fair skin.

These Eurocentric aesthetics shouldn’t be praised over others — it diminishes the complexity of beauty in a diverse world. When this happens, it causes certain bodies to be fetishized or never have the ability to be considered attractive due to ableism, racism, and fatphobia.

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Being Hot is Exhausting

Move, dress, and act in a way that is pleasurable to you. When you are constantly body-checking and feeling like the only thing you have to offer is your looks, know you are so much more than your body.

stylish

g n i r

u l l a

Maybe you have all the right curves in all the right places but you miss the ball on the tailored nose. That

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PHOTO JAYDEN JAMES DESIGN EVE KELLY

A fresh mix of function and style that has transformed fashion, blending skate culture into everyday wear.

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Skate culture has significantly influenced mainstream streetwear fashion, transforming elements like graphic tees, baggy pants, and accessories from practical skate wear into everyday style staples.

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TIPS FOR SKATER FASHION Go for baggy jeans and loose graphic tees for easy movement.

Look for tough fabrics that can handle wear and tear.

Use hoodies and flannels to add layers and texture.

Try out beanies, earphones, or jewelry to enhance your look.

Mix and match different pieces to create a unique outfit.

Wear what makes you feel confident.

Express yourself through your style!

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THE DES MOINES DRAG SCENE WORDS AIDAN QUINLAN | PHOTO MADISSEN KERMAN | DESIGN GRACE O’MALLEY

Finding joy through crisis

The audience claps with excitement as the colorful lights dim, in anticipation of a fabulous show with dancing, comedy, and opulence galore. The crowd roars with applause as The Garden’s queens hit the stage, shimmering with sequins and rhinestones. When the crowd walks through the sequin curtains, they’re exchanging their dollar bills for two hours to escape from reality.

DES MOINES DRAG HISTORY

Drag queen Lili Whyte entered the Des Moines drag scene in 1987 — she was just 21 years old.

“I would sneak under the gown of a drag queen to get [into gay bars], and we never got caught,” Whyte says.

She did it because drag itself is a form of protest, both against the construct of gender and recent anti-queer bills.

“I’ve lived through those years of hiding,” Whyte says. “When I first came out, gay bars didn’t have any signs and their 45

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entrances were in alleys … They were in secret because if they were known as a gay bar, it would get burnt down.”

Throughout the AIDS pandemic, Whyte was attending and performing at Des Moines gay bars as chaos and fear rang through her community. It was a turbulent time, with so many people losing loved ones to the illness.

“People really focus on what the AIDS pandemic was like in New York City where it all started, but it affected the entire country,” Whyte says. “By the time I was in my twenties, I was going to more funerals every week than my grandmother was.”

Drag and gay bars provided an escape from the LGBTQ community’s volatile reality — only to have these safe havens stripped away during events like the raid on The Blue Goose.

“It was devastating seeing most of those [safe spaces] being taken away,” Whyte says.

Even more devastating, she was in attendance during the raid.

“I was underage, so I tried to sneak out through the bathroom window. I got stuck, and a drag queen happened to be in the bathroom at the same time as me,” Whyte says. “She looked at me and said ‘You’re not gonna get us in trouble,’ and she put her high heel on my lower back, and pushed me out of the window. I still have the scar to this day.”

DRAG IN THE MIDWEST

The Des Moines drag scene has seen incredible change, but its foundations of diversity and experimentation have remained strong.

“The Des Moines drag scene is very diverse,” says Muffy Rosenburg, a Des Moines drag legend. “It’s very polished, which is not something you really expect from a Midwestern town. There used to be very few drag queens … but now there’s many.”

She considers drag’s rising prominence in mainstream culture a contributing factor to the growing drag scene in Des Moines.

“I personally am not a fan of [Rupaul’s Drag Race], I think it’s a little too catty,” Rosenburg says. “But the impact the show has had on making drag go into the mainstream has been very positive.”

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK

Safe spaces are still few and far between for the queer community. Rights for LGBTQ people have recently declined in Iowa and across the nation.

“We had progressed so far, and now we’re backstepping,” Whyte says. “That’s not the country I want to live in anymore … To stop it, we all have to work together — protest and vote to make sure we never go back.”

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CULTURE

The tasteful creations of Culinary Annex

I think she means my odds of losing a finger are slim, and the chances of leaving with food are high — I can work with that.

The group of eager participants break into four workstations to prepare variations of dumplings: Pork and Chive Dumplings, Shrimp Wontons, Pork Gyoza, and Mushroom Dumplings.

Like a sleeper agent triggered upon the word “shrimp,” I know what I have to do.

The extent of my cooking skills spans from whatever my crockpot can do, to the classic combination of bread, strawberry jam, and peanut butter — formally known as the PB&J. As satisfying as these dishes can be, I can’t continue living like this. Luckily, as I’m folding shirts at my retail job, the head of Culinary Annex, Chef Cass, hands me her card and says, “if you ever need a cooking class, here’s where you can do it.”

I take it, excited to plate something better than the slop from my crockpot.

EVERYONE LOVES A DUMPLING

It’s impossible to decide which class to take, then I see ‘Dumpling Extravaganza.’ My stomach re-casts itself into a kid in a candy store and yells, ‘this one!’ — my fate is sealed.

“Everyone loves dumplings,” Chef Cass says.

Her teaching space is beautiful.

Stainless steel work stations are spread across the kitchen and the main island is dressed with a horde of ingredients.

Before we start, I admit to Chef Cass that I’m a bit nervous.

“You know enough, and now you’re going to learn,” Chef Cass says.

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DETERMINATION, SHRIMP, AND HUNGER

After washing my hands, I sprint to the table where the instructions for shrimp wontons await me. As the process begins, I get to know my cooking partners — a mother and daughter spending time together, and a man looking to explore the depths of cooking.

When the daughter goes to wash her hands, her mother says to me, “this is nice that I get to do this with her, she lives about forty minutes away, and I finally said, ‘We need to do something!’ so this is what we decided to do.”

The sweet moment is soon gone as she looks at my cutting board and says, “you’ve never cut a vegetable, have you?”

WORDS GUNNER ONKST PHOTO JAYDEN JAMES DESIGN JORDAN WYER

Besides my subpar cutting skills, the recipe is simple.

We’re preparing enough food to feed an entire class — which is six times the amount of our recipe — and I’m not a numbers person.

ENOUGH TO FEED A SMALL ARMY

I have to tear open and peel nine pounds of shrimp. Thank goodness, I’m not alone.

Nine pounds later, the shrimp are washed and submerged in water. For the next twenty minutes, my partner and I meticulously grab, spread the bodies of, peel, and tear the shrimp.

In no time, I’m tucking my wonton child into a doughy bed — folding the squares into a blanket shape.

Once I fold the last wonton onto the tray, Chef Cass asks us to wash our hands and to get ready to eat.

THE DUMPLING BUFFET

I grab a plate and get in line quickly — at this point I’m starving. We all sit around the table, admiring everyone’s creations while recounting our escapades. This is Chef Cass’ favorite part of the evening — it’s mine too.

“Sharing food brings the community together, and it’s a way of accepting each other, even if you have a different culture,” Chef Cass says.

While the wontons are amazing, the real magic was the community. I meet families bonding over meals, friends celebrating birthdays, and those like me who just want to cook.

I’m the last one to put my plate away as this is one of the first times I’ve prepared a meal with others since I left for college.

Living on my own has made me forget the value of eating with people. This experience helps me realize that a meal isn’t just what you have on your plate, but how you share it with others.

It seems like a boring and mundane task, but with company, it feels like no time at all.

I highly recommend taking a class at Culinary Annex. In the end, my cooking skills have gone from non-existent to debatable — which is an improvement.

Once the shrimp is prepared, we chop veggies in a food processor to create the filling. Now begins the delicate process of folding our mushed shrimp filling into wontons.

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Is anyon

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WORDS AM

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’ve debriefed a little too deeply in my fair share of restaurants, but I fear my digital footprint may expose more of my life than I ever could in acsingle conversation.

Sitting in a booth, stuffing our faces with chips and salsa, my friend and I recount salacious stories from nights out. Full names and exact locations are dropped as we drool over our appetizers and drama. Just as I am about to reveal the pièce de résistance, our waiter drops in to take our order. I bite my lip to keep from laughing, and as soon as they walk away, we start plaguing the table next to us with our overly detailed narrations.

Social media grants the space and audience to expel our stories without any physical intervention. People have long been inspired by entertainment, influencing everything from fashion to how we talk. When we start mimicking influencer’s trauma storytimes, we accustom ourselves to an overstimulating world of too many details, too fast.

“There was this guy on my soccer team in freshman year of high school,” Preusser says. “We had a Snap streak of 1700 days but if I saw him in person, I would avoid him … But we snapped every day for four or five years.”

Have we learned some newfound vulnerability, or a new method for self-destruction?

“Technology has advanced human interaction by overcoming distance and enabling global communication and connection,” Dr. Walker says.

ONLINE VS REAL LIFE

We can’t really blame TikTok, but we can blame the era of Mark Zuckerberg’s internet as the catalyst for our hunger for an audience. Since YouTube’s spike in popularity in the early 2010s, trends like “a day in the life” videos urged creators to show every little detail of their daily routines.

We’re conditioned to reveal ourselves openly, without considering the consequences. The impulse to post a relationship rant to an audience of 100 or 1 million stems from the idea that we can resonate with more people online rather than your two roommates who didn’t like your exboyfriend anyway. Seeing likes and comments rise can make us feel truly seen, when in reality someone took less than five seconds to interact with our content. “[Social media] hinders social interaction by … promoting isolation, superficial relationships, and reducing face-to-face communication,” says Dr. Alicia M. Walker, an associate professor of sociology at Missouri State University.

Alex Preusser, a sophomore at Loyola University Maryland and an avid social media user, says the apps create a social separation between what’s shared in the virtual space versus real life.

That friend of a friend you’ve never met has a front row seat to your life.

We follow accounts suggested by Instagram and people we’ve never met. But that’s not the same as building community, even though it can feel just like it.

According to a study by the U.S. Surgeon General in 2023, “time spent in-person with friends has reduced by nearly 70% over almost two decades, from roughly 150 minutes per day in 2003 to 40 minutes per day in 2020.”

With this decrease of in-person time, we’re spending more time on social media.

From the same study, it shows that “participants who reported using social media for more than two hours a day had about double the odds of reporting increased perceptions of social isolation compared to those who used social media for less than 30 minutes per day.”

More followers aren’t more friends.

CURATION

We’re unphased by our phones and peers knowing everything about our lives, so long as we’re in control of the narrative. But a curated presence doesn’t guarantee real happiness or control. It’s our latest coping mechanism when we feel overwhelmed.

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“I spent hours looking through all my photos, picking exactly which ones to post,” Preusser says. “Putting them in the order I wanted, cropping them, thinking of a caption, tagging everyone. I take my main [Instagram] very seriously.”

“Certain people are getting [my] content and for the larger audience, that’s where I keep things more limited,” Preusser says.

Whether it’s by rewatching the TikTok we just made over and over, or swiping through our carousel of photos on Instagram to make sure we got it just right, we’re all controlled by our own curation. Our social media presence is the online representation of our lives, and has implications beyond the screen. That job you just applied for at that marketing firm — they already made their assumption about who you are based on the life you portray through social media.

It’s a dichotomy between making your life fit an aesthetic and treating your followers like your closest friends. Creating relationships between you and your online friends can be beneficial, but when they outnumber your friends IRL, that can lead to isolation.

As our lives are perceived online, our persona becomes a ratio of our followers to following. The internet was designed with the idea of interconnectivity. But the notion that social media is used to find new friends is long gone — it’s all a numbers game now.

“I probably share more than most people, but the way that I organize where I post is what makes me feel like I’m not oversharing,” Preusser says.

THE LOVE DRUG

We make accounts to appeal to our different audiences.

‘Main’ Instagram accounts are the most public and curated versions. ‘Burner’ accounts include photo dumps and spams of unprofessional photos for our closest friends.

If we share a bit on everything, it doesn’t feel like dumping our lives on one platform.

This has all become so normalized, we don’t even recognize the dystopian online world we’ve made.

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According to a Harvard University study, we release dopamine when we receive engagement on our posts. It’s the brain chemical that acts as a reward system.

Social media is an online runway, a form of instant validation.

Because of social media, we’re able to like and comment, and skip real life interactions.

It separates us, because if you say it online, you don’t need to say it to their face, whether it’s a close friend or a stranger.

“The proliferation of social media increases [people’s] need for external validation,” says Dr. Walker. “We see the likes, shares and comments on our posts rack up, and that immediate feedback encourages us to share more so we can get more affirmation.”

This constant confirmation of how others perceive us can leave us feeling as if in-person validation isn’t worth as much as those red hearts.

“When our need for validation becomes excessive, it can create turmoil in relationships,” says Dr. Walker. “The pursuit of validation can shift your focus from the genuine in your relationship to the … validation online.”

Social media creates an endless need for affirmation in how we live our lives. But that validation is fleeting, urging us to chase the high of likes, comments, and mentions.

Preusser says, “I keep track of likes I get on each post and ‘Why did I get less than this other post?’”

Although we try to make it insignificant, we assign meaning to those numbers, following our craving for connection.

“There’s different reasons why [someone would] overshare,” says licensed independent social worker, Kelsey Taylor.

“I think what you’d find in all cases is that [there’s a] positive intention … whether that be connection or success or validation.”

Social media isn’t a form of self-expression or a way to stay connected with loved ones. It’s a socially constructed drug.

We hear phantom notifications. We go through withdrawal symptoms, needing to keep our phones in our pockets at all times, itching if they’re not an arm’s length away.

A POST IS THE NEW PHONE CALL

We overthink our captions and the song we’re using in our Instagram story, but we’re forgetting to think if we really want to hit ‘share’. Aesthetically posting about your sex life is still posting about your sex life. The idea of thinking before you speak was plastered in the hallways of our schools, yet we take to the web to word vomit our every thought. Just because it has a nice filter and clever caption, doesn’t make it any less TMI.

“There’s been a shift in your generation, and [oversharing has] become more normalized,” Taylor says. “Maybe [people] don’t feel as much shame about sharing certain things that may have been shameful for other generations.”

There are multiple sides of ourselves that we want to share, and multiple reasons as to why. It feels good to share everything as you’re feeling it, but you might regret it later.

“It might be helpful to take a moment, to take a pause,” Taylor says. “To get curious about what parts of [you] want to share this information, what parts of [you] want to make [that] post, and to see if you can find out why.”

Get in touch with your inner self, no matter where you share these parts of yourself. Try this insightful process, rather than rushing to post — it can allow us to make better, self-led decisions about our interactions and how we choose to spill our guts.

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UNDERNEATH THE ARMOR

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WORDS JACK BYASSEE | DESIGN REESE MODUGNO

Offering a new framework for male confidence

I used to lie to myself and say that my younger brother wasn’t the bigger and stronger one of the two of us.

I’d stand a little taller in family pictures, scramble for excuses when friends would ask us to stand back-to-back for a height-off, and dodge one-onones on the basketball court under the guise of not caring enough. My role as the older brother became a contest I couldn’t seem to win. As a defense mechanism for my preteen manhood, I opted for denial.

But when I look back now, I wonder — why did I care this much?

Being young accounts for a lot here.

From a young age, I have noticed other guys my age doing the same self-protective things. I see them cover their eyes or blink rapidly after hurting themselves to not be seen crying. Or, they insist they aren’t into the new girly pop songs to shield their egos. I do these things, too. Proving you meet the bill of ideal masculinity is a constant battle in the sea of male socialization.

We can’t blame ourselves for feeling this way. Instead, we should hold the societal standards of manhood responsible. From a young age, boys are told to “man up,” “be strong,” “don’t show weakness,” “don’t let them see you waiver.”

“[As] men, just naturally, especially younger men, you look for a mentor, you look for a guide,” says Josh Brewster, a Clinical Social Worker and Therapist based in Saint Paul, Minnesota. “How are you going to mold yourself? … That’s part of the maturing process … [developing] a vision for yourself.”

FROM INDEPENDENCE TO INTERDEPENDENCE

Guidance comes from peers and the male authority figures in our lives, but even they only know so much.

We’re asked to meet a checklist of expectations — be strong, independent, fearless, invulnerable. But if we don’t challenge these notions, we won’t get the benefits from deeper connections.

There are countless times I’ve formed an armor of ‘confidence’ by adhering to masculine norms. In group settings dominated by men, I’ve found myself tailoring my presence to what was expected of me — my body language, facial expressions, style of speaking, the sorts of jokes I’m telling. I might’ve outwardly projected something resembling confidence, but it was built upon standards that made me lose myself.

We need others to help us be genuine people, rather than using them to separate ourselves further. This can mean offering a shoulder to cry on, but also a guiding hand to call us out when we slip up. What’s important is that vulnerability comes from both sides of the relationship.

“Men are often raised in society to be intrapersonal,” says Tyler JacobsLewis, a counselor with the Broadlawns Community Clinic in Des Moines, Iowa.

“[Being] primarily intrapersonal in a relationship with another person is not compatible with healthy relationships because you’re thinking about yourself first instead of putting you both on an equal footing.”

Rigid norms of masculinity confine men to minimal outlets for emotional expression.

“Society will [skew] masculinity in all one direction, and sometimes in a very unhealthy sort of way,” says Pat McArtor, a mental health counselor based in Iowa City. “If you’re talking [about] masculinity, you have to talk about the other aspects of human beings as well.”

When you’re raised to idolize power, strength, and independence over emotional depth, you forfeit a substantial amount of your humanity.

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and keep our guards up, it instills suppression rather than leading to growth.

“In a society that values individual initiatives and success, men internalize the message: it’s all about them and their aims,” Jacobs-Lewis says.

LIVING UP TO IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS

However, we are beginning to accept more open minding and diverse modes of male expression. Though while exploring this newfound diversity, there are also new pressures that challenge our self-confidence.

start to think] ‘everybody has it except for me,’ when in reality nobody really has it.”

We grew up in a cyber-centric landscape that creates impossible standards — anyone can post their highlights like everyday realities.

People are pressured to present a facade of success and superiority. In this digital age, we need ways to come back to validate ourselves offline.

“Don’t listen to social media [for guidance],” McArtor says. “Go to folks “[I] think that we’re affected, confidence- that have done work in this area and wise, a lot more than other generations, would be able to explain it, because it gets skewed so much.” because we have more pathways into being brought down,” says Joseph BUILDING CONFIDENCE Egan, a 20-year-old from Vancouver, Podcasters who claim to know the Canada. “If we see people [who] are at secret behind masculinity can’t teach least pretending to be confident and you how to be confident. Instead of pretending to have everything … [we 55

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seeking validation from people with no background, Dr. Scott Liu, a staff psychologist for the University of Iowa Counseling Service, suggests thinking of growing self-confidence as like building a house. “[You] have to lay the good foundation and then you start building the house on top of it,” Liu says.

“Confidence [comes] from within, I think that’s the major foundation of your self-perception.”

Think of external validation as the decoration. Your foundation is who you are, and the decor will collect overtime as you build healthy relationships.

“Everything else, like your grades, your sports, your report cards, your supervisor saying, ‘Good job,’ or your professor saying, ‘Hey, that’s a really good paper,’ — will be like a decoration,” Liu says.

Internally-sourced confidence doesn’t need to be proven. I’ve noticed the moments when I’m loudest are the times I’m trying to hide something I feel insecure about. I find myself wanting protection from the quiet times that leave me vulnerable. But if you confidently choose to be quiet and vulnerable, you can open yourself up to judgment without allowing it to tear you down.

If we follow the tried-and-untrue instructions for male performance, we volunteer to lose a lot of ourselves.

When we conform to outdated norms, we limit who we can be.

should be? Do I not like another guy’s concept of manliness? Do I see how it’s impacting his relationships to be intrapersonal and not think about others?” Jacob-Lewis says. “I was able to ask these questions when I started having conversations with women and longtime friends about what they saw from me instead of just going with my own self-evaluation or self-inquiry.”

These questions are directed to the boy who was told to suppress his emotions to boost his ego. If this is you, I hope you second-guess yourself next time you seek confidence in the wrong places, and open up to a new definition of masculinity.

I think I cared so much about fulfilling the roles of a brother and man because I feared I would lose the respect of my peers if I didn’t. But I’ve learned that being your sincere and authentic self, independent of expectation, merits greater respect.

What is sold as confidence is fundamentally disconnected from fulfillment, satisfaction, and happiness.

Behaving counter to those norms is hard because you’re risking shame and ostracization. But by breaking down these barriers, we can live more fully as ourselves.

We can live a version of confidence that we can call our own.

HOW DO WE BREAK FREE?

Standards of masculinity are deeply embedded in our social fabric, so how do we break free? It requires critical examination of our behaviors and willingness to adjust them — which can be incredibly daunting.

“Does someone not like my behavior and how it impacts them? Is it stemming from how I’ve been told I

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bolts of anxiety through her body. And she’s sentimental about so many things. “[It] scares me because I’ll never see that again,” Whitaker says. “What if I need it?”

TRASH OR TREASURE

Beyond the mess, inside the mind ears stream down her face as she — who we’ll refer to as Giselle Whitaker — sees the handyman install a new fridge.

She can’t stomach this change to her childhood home. But it’s been this way for as long as she can remember — her anxiety makes it tough to part with any of her belongings. Getting rid of things that she’s sentimental about shoots 57

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Whitaker’s habit of accumulating bits and pieces that looked like junk but roused a deep tenderness in her started when she was just a small girl. Her collection of notebooks, greeting cards, and stuffed animals grew until every corner of her bedroom contained fragments of childhood buried in belongings. She would tuck her favorites beside her in bed every night, using their comfort to bring sweet dreams.

The need to collect never left her — in fact, the notebooks, magazines, and

greeting cards morphed into soft sweatshirts and more stuffed animals filling her bed as she slept.

Throughout her room, her collections grew into an enormous accumulation of what she even deems “trash.”

Notes, tags, and old lip balm fill her college dorm room’s memory boxes, corkboards, and tabletops.

“It’s hard for me because I have no need for them,” Whitaker says.

She’s heard the comments from her friends, and she gets them, she really does.

“I know it’s junk, but the main reason why I have a compulsion to keep things is because of the memories I have attached to them.”

In fact, Whitaker can pick up any item and tell you where she got it — an impressive skill that she jokes does not transfer to memorizing chemistry equations. But it does extend to every corner of her world — even to the edge of her desk, where a crumpled Starburst wrapper sits precariously. She smiles, recalling the story behind the memento from when her boyfriend visited. “[It’s] a reminder of him and every time I look at it, I don’t think it’s garbage — I think of him,” Whitaker says. “Throwing it out would be like throwing a part of him away.”

These sweet memories may not be enough to stop others from throwing these small tokens out, but she feels like she is throwing away a part of herself when she disposes of anything.

In fact, this isn’t a choice for Whitaker.

She says it’s a compulsion — stemming from the fear of what might happen.

“If I throw out a note that my mom gave me, what if the negative energy in that action does something to hurt my mom?” she says.

To some of us, maybe even this reader, Whitaker’s reasoning may not seem logical. But it’s her daily reality.

The stigma surrounding hoarding deeply affects her. When people call Whitaker messy, she cringes. The contention makes her feel like others view her as dirty.

“People think it’s odd,” Whitaker says.

“They think I’m messy. Some think it’s weird or gross.”

While she has never directly asked her friends why they make hurtful comments, she believes it comes from a lack of understanding. They don’t see the memories attached to the mess.

But they do leave feelings of hurt behind. “[Their comments] make me think less of myself,” Whitaker says.

She confides that she often wonders if her emotional connection to objects is problematic. Is it more than just innocent curating?

Is she a hoarder?

HOARDING OR COLLECTING?

According to the International OCD Foundation, between 2% and 6% of the population experiences hoarding disorder. Countless more have collections or strong emotional attachments to their belongings.

But where’s that line between hoarding and just collecting stuff? The American Psychiatric Association draws this one: Objects acquired by people with

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hoarding lack a consistent theme, whereas those of collectors are narrowly focused on a particular topic.

That definition gets more complicated when you apply it to the behavior of actual human beings who are, well, they’re messy.

“Once it becomes unlivable or unsanitary, we’re talking about hoarding,” says Isabel Acevedo, a clinical therapist at Barrington Youth and Family Services in Barrington, Illinois.

When left untreated, hoarding disorder can pose a danger to those it affects.

Compulsive hoarding often means living with — or among — a large accumulation of belongings, which can grow so far out of control that the mess can trap a person inside their own home. It’s not hard to imagine the risk to that person’s mental and physical health.

“There’s usually a reason behind the lack of ability to dispose of things properly … it could be hopelessness or feeling a need to fill a void,” Acevedo says. “All these things, when done in abundance, become a clinical disorder.”

Now, Whitaker sees her space as nice, organized, and filled. While every surface of her room is covered with some sort of trinket, memory boxes and corkboard systems allow her to store even more than meets the eye.

So an, organized space doesn’t rule out the start of a hoarding disorder.

And while hoarding disorder at its worst leaves the person affected in unsafe and unsanitary conditions, it doesn’t happen overnight. According to an article published by the University of Texas at Austin, “when

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the accumulation becomes compulsive rather than curated, it signals the onset of hoarding. This shift can be sparked by various factors, such as emotional distress or a tendency to save items ‘just in case.’”

It helps to learn about the risk factors if you’re questioning where you fall.

Having someone in your immediate family who experiences hoarding disorder or dealing with traumatic life events — like the death of a loved one — can trigger hoarding behaviors. If you have questions or worries, reach out to a therapist for guidance.

HOARDING SECONDARY DIAGNOSIS

Hoarding disorder is related to anxiety and Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). A study published by the National Institute of Health says OCD occurs in around 20% of people with hoarding disorder. The American Psychologists Association says that 75% of people with hoarding disorder also have anxiety.

This rings true for Whitaker, who says her anxiety is at the root of her concerns for herself — what if her tightly filled room is more than just that?

Research around this disorder is fairly new, so there’s a lack of knowledge about hoarding, making it hard for people like Whitaker to know if they should seek a clinical diagnosis. What the average person knows is likely what they see on reality TV, which is rarely how life actually looks, being extreme examples for the sake of salacious entertainment.

This keeps the stigma and the shame alive, making it harder for people to get help.

SEEKING HELP

Jessica Pihlstrom cleans houses after hoarding situations in Minnesota’s Twin Cities. Working directly with those experiencing hoarding can be difficult because they often resist change. She has to rely on her empathy skills a lot.

“Everybody’s got their stuff and it’s just that for these folks, that’s how it manifests,” she says. “Keep their humanity at the forefront. [They’re] not the problem.”

For those trying to help a loved one, Pihlstrom says to pay attention to their mannerisms and check in routinely.

Even when the situation is alarming to you, try to remember how hard the disorder is on those experiencing it.

Whitaker has complicated feelings surrounding her compulsions. This last year, she’s slowly let go of the shame and accepted that these compulsions are just part of her. Whitaker has also begun seeing a therapist to tackle her anxiety and plans on exploring its connection to the fullness of her room.

“Seek help so you can feel better about yourself,” Whitaker says. “Being healthy and happy in yourself and your life is all that really matters.”

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