And You Thought You Had a Rough Day

And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Experiences from a Personnel Director’s Diary by Douglas H. Johnson

Please note: The stories in this booklet are as I remember them. Please have fun reading it. Its purpose is to bring a smile to your face.

Many of these stories display examples of stupid people syndrome™. Of course, the antidote for this disease is common sense!

The names have been changed to protect “the innocent”.

© 2008 by Human Resource Strategies, Inc.

And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Table of Contents This is a full-service bank!

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I have a question regarding scheduling

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The early morning phone calls are just delicious

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Your service stinks!

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Who is this person in my mailbox? …………………………………………………………………….12 Reason for termination ……………………………………………………………………………………….18 I divorced my parents …………………………………………………………………………………………20 Sex slave ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….22 I ran over my dog …………………………………………………………………………………………………26 Excuses, excuses, excuses …………………………………………………………………………………28 Speaking of excuses …………………………………………………………………………………………….30 Two for the price of one …………………………………………………………………………………….32 Yes, I’m qualified for that supervisor’s job …………………………………………………….34

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

This is a full-service bank! or What customers will ask some employees to do!

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...a woman in the bank lobby asked Dave to write a letter to God explaining why the check she wrote to her church on Sunday was returned NSF (non-sufficient funds - ed.).

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

I have a question regarding scheduling...

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Is it possible for you to schedule teller training around my aerobics class?

It meets Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:30 to 10:30.

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

The early morning phone calls are just delicious...

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

This phone call was received at about 8:15 AM one morning.

Caller: Is this XYZ Bank?

Me: Yes. Caller: Can you give me an address or phone number of your Maple Heights office? I have a semi-truck load of pickles to deliver to your branch. I don’t understand why, but that’s what my shipping order says - maybe you’re having a promotion - or a lot of pregnant employees - or whatever. So, where do I deliver ‘em?

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Your Service Stinks!

The following is my secretary’s record of a phone call I took one afternoon: Dr. Goldstein is an Orthodox Jew who breaks his religious beliefs to eat wild game meat (ex. giraffe meat) because he is allergic to almost everything else.

The wild game meat is imported from Chicago (I didn’t know they raised wild game there) at a cost of

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

$8.00/pound (which is a good price for wild game, by the way).

He had called the bank two years ago to complain that the branch was always busy when he went in at noon time.

They told him to go to the branch at an “unbusy” time -between 5:30 and 5:45 PM on a Friday. (Those folks from the branch at least had a sense of humor!)

He said he arrived at 5:45 PM the other Friday and when he got to the teller she inquired why he hadn’t arrived at his normal time -- 6:01 PM. He lost his temper -- but he justified this outburst by saying that he had a migraine headache from his allergies. He complained to Doug who relayed the message to Mike (the district manager) so that Mike could deal with that sarcastic bunch of veteran tellers (these are the same tellers that had harassed this poor man two years ago).

Dr. Goldstein had not heard from Mike so he took another opportunity to make Doug’s day by phoning him a second time.

During this phone call, Dr. Goldstein said that he had spoken to his attorney about this whole matter and although Dr. Goldstein is not considering a lawsuit at this point, his attorney did explain what was going on at the branch.

It seems there is a Revolution in Banking occurring. Tellers do not want to work one minute past 9

And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

six o’clock, so banks (in order to keep their employees happy) have told their employees to hassle their customers that come in late on Fridays so that they don’t come back and the tellers can then leave on time.

Will Doug and Mike be able to help poor Dr. Goldstein???

Will Doug and Mike be able to discover who is behind this Banking Revolution???

If wild game meat becomes unavailable, will Dr. Goldstein go crazy in Cedar Center’s lobby or be forced to bank in Africa???

Is Dr. Goldstein’s attorney really as brilliant as he seems???

Stay tuned for the next episode of “The Long Line at.....”

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Who is This Person In My Mailbox?????

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

The following are the contents of an actual cover letter received in answer to an ad run for an entry level marketing position.....

Recently I was a successful businessman building two firms and a Christian family. Both my wife and daughter have retinitis pigmentosa, degenerative retinal blindness.

I faced continuing to juggle managing our firms or realize that I could neither walk on water nor part the Red Sea. I found alimony and child-support poor compensation for “career visibility”. I elected to sell our firms having the naive belief many firms would “grab” someone with my work ethics, experience, credentials and recognition.

My background is unique having grown up on a farm with a “real” ice box, no TV, and many books. My father was paralyzed at fifteen, and I had to work while completing high school and college. In the twenty years following, I became a surgical medical systems expert, earned twelve professional contracting licenses, developed practical marketing plans for national firms, and negotiated as both purchasing agent and salesman.

My computer expertise is a result of custom programming our MRP, accounting, and marketing databases to save expenses.

Equally effective, I shoveled knee-deep in mud, installed electric panels and HVAC packages, tabulated screeners, and swept the floors nightly. In the vernacular....my ship has not sunk....it is still very sound and seaworthy!

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Personally, I detest hype having made a career of cutting through facades. I could ask Shelly Berman to produce a slick, professional copywritten, four color presentation to impress you.

Perhaps if candor and honesty are outdated, we may consider packaging and huckstering me like Tide, Pringles or Craft-Matick beds.

I have already heard all the negatives...over forty...background too diverse...non-corporate...selfemployed...how about old, lazy, stupid, and senile??

Frankly such comments are ludicrous. I service “Fortune 500� firms which I had to appease profitably adapting to hundreds of differing policies. Survival requires sixteen hour days, outworking any two mortals, five times the common sense, and competitive pricing well below the corporate giants. Frankly, the majors have purchasing power, assets, and visibility. Either you develop customer service, employee management, inventory control, and expertise into a fine tuned science...or plan on an abrupt visit to Bankruptcy Court.

Bluntly, my national recognition in Who’sWho (Midwest, Emerging Leaders, Advertising? and publications is for my ability to profit upon corporate waste and inefficiency.

My strength comes from neither nepotism, inheritance, nor title. It stems from a unique blending of hard farm ethics, university and professional training, street smarts, and working with diverse ethnic and economic classes. My success demanded communicating effectively 13

And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

with chief surgeons, common laborers, and corporate presidents.

Often this “gear-switching” ability with empathy and insight were crucial daily survival skills.

My “business secret” is developing an environment where people feel appreciated and work with me rather than for me. My style is rolled-up sleeves, common sense, and being both janitor and leader whereby people accept me “as is”. They respond working three times harder, avoid wasteful meetings, and forego memos just to “C.Y.A.” I sell clients the idea that less is actually more in profits.

Lower overhead, cutting red tape, eliminating politics, and common sense is just more efficient. We also reduce verbosity to impress to simple English expressions.

American workers detest “office politics” and evaluations based on “image” versus performance.

I advocate personal performance, marketing based upon personal belief, and appreciation of the total human being. Being boss is not being “bossy”.....it is encouraging people to take pride in their talents.

I am only attempting to locate one special person who completely understands this letter.

The firm should appreciate multi-talented workaholics, offer solid quality services in lieu of “fast buck schemes”, and demonstrate staff loyalty instead of being a biannual hopscotch board used for career enhancement or corporate ladder climbing.

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Presently, I am doing limited marketing consulting, and can wait table, tend bar, or operate WordPerfect or DBaseIII for Olsen Temps if required. We live in Bryn Mawr Woods. My success has afforded us the Marathon ski boat, Jayco camper, baby-grand (I’m a jazz pianist), and a new swimming pool. However, a cold Pepsi, bologna with fresh tomatoes and mayo, my well-worn construction jeans, and a swim are true heaven.

I hope you found this as enjoyable to read as capsulizing my life was writing. If you would like to meet.....may I suggest you just stop by the house. I could always judge much more visiting a person’s home than relying on a polished, rehearsed, thirty minute presentation reminiscent of the television program, “The Dating Game”.

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Reason given by an applicant for termination of a previous position...

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

My personable personality strictly conflicted with the constraints of working in an ever-fluctuating stock market place.

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

I Divorced My Parents‌

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

One morning, an employee called my office to tell me that someone was here to interview for a job. I asked the employee to send in the applicant, and I would talk to him.

Imagine my surprise when I looked up to see a young man of about twenty-one years old standing before me, wearing shorts that were very, very short (I mean you could just about see everything), and a tee-shirt that was torn across the chest.

His hair was fairly long, and he looked ...streetsmart.

I asked about his work experience, and he told me that after he had divorced his parents at age fourteen, his life as a businessperson really began. I must have looked incredulous at this comment, because he explained to me that divorcing one’s parents was not all that difficult to do if they were not properly caring for the child. He even told me the technical term (which I later looked up and verified).

Then he proceeded to tell me about his life as a businessperson. He asked if I was one of those “fools” who had ever purchased a painting on velvet by the side of the road.

Fortunately, I was able to answer “No.”, but at this point I asked why he considered those people foolish. His answer was that the paintings cost only $3.95 each and he was able to get between $19.95 and $29.95 each for them, thereby making a huge profit.

He proceeded to tell me that all employers were jerks, that he had the brain power to make anyone money, and that he would only share that with certain people. At this point, I didn’t know if I wanted to be one of those special people.

Would you have hired him?

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Sex Slave

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day! Our Company was a very small one, dealing with a variety of customers that included what we affectionately termed “the blue-hairs” (for the uninitiated, these are the little old ladies).

We had an employee on staff who was gay, and those of us who knew it didn’t really care until strange things started to happen.

Gary started to come in late in the morning, and when I discussed his tardiness with him, and asked him what the problem was, he told me that he knew that I knew that he was gay. I said that I did, but what did that have to do with the topic of discussion?

His answer was that in fact he was a sex slave, and that he lived with his lover, who was his Master. He was not allowed to leave for work in the morning until he had performed ...er, certain functions. How would you answer that? What I said simply was that he should get up earlier so that his “functions” could be performed and he could get to work on a more timely basis.

Several months later: I got a frantic phone call from my Head Teller from the main office. She told me she had to talk with me immediately, and that she didn’t have any idea how to resolve this issue. I was curious because the Head Teller was usually very competent and resourceful.

She came into my office and told me that she had overheard a conversation that Gary had been having on the telephone.

Unfortunately, she told me, several other people, including some bluehairs, and some other employees had also overheard the conversation. Intrigued, I asked what the conversation had been about, and after turning a bright shade of red, she replied that it concerned the rather large hickey on Gary’s neck… and how his male lover had given it to him. Conversation time…

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day! Gary showed up this morning wearing a green tuxedo, which obviously made him a little overdressed for his job as a teller. I told him that he was to go home without pay, change and then report immediately back to work. His reply: “I knew you would say that so I brought a change of clothes with me.�

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

I was so upset that I ran over my dog, I quit my job‌

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day! At some point, a female in her mid-thirties applied for a teller position. During the course of the interview, I inquired why she had left her last position (which was as some kind of technical person). She replied that she had quit. I asked her what had caused her to do that and she said that she had run over her dog.

Okay, being the astute person I thought I was, I tried to make a connection. As she ended up explaining to me, she had backed out of the driveway, running over and killing her dog, and she was so upset that she went inside and called her boss and resigned. I asked her if when she realized that what she had done, and that she had really not wanted to resign she had called her boss and asked for her old job back, she assured me that she had, and that his answer had been that all the paperwork on her resignation had been completed, and was irretrievably filed already.

I told this lady that I really had no appropriate position for her, and at this point, she folded her arms across her chest, and told me in no uncertain terms, “I am not moving from this chair until you hire me!�

The standoff lasted a little more than two hours, and at that point I decided that I had done all the work I could at my desk, and that I had a meeting coming up shortly. What could I do?

Well, I pulled a phone book out of my drawer, and in a conspiring tone told her that normally I would not ever do this for anyone, but for her, I would give her the names of some personnel directors in the next town who were hiring.

I listed the companies, and the phone numbers, handed her the sheet of paper, and she was gone. It worked!

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Excuses, excuses, excuses…

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Mary was always late. Then when she did arrive, she would spend much time telling everyone her excuse. After discovering that her same brother had already died three times, and being more than a little tired of the situation and discussions with Mary about this issue, I called a meeting of all the tellers in our Main Office and asked them, on a piece of paper, to list absolutely every excuse for being late that they thought they could come up with. I then had the list typed, with each excuse having a number, and distributed it to everyone in the bank. From now on, there would be no long excuses, just the number of the appropriate excuse. What a time saver!

Imagine my surprise the following week when I was in a meeting in the president’s office, and he exclaimed, “Number 33!” I said, “Roger, what in the world are you talking about?” His answer: “Well, my excuse is number 33. I’m only doing what you asked excuse by number!”

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Speaking of excuses…

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

On being late: “I was up all night looking for my diamond engagement ring inside my boyfriend’s waterbed, so I was too tired to come in on time.”

“My car got eaten by a chuckhole on Rt. 271, and I couldn’t get out to come to work.”

“I’m taking the expressway. What more can I do?”

On leaving early: “My husband is having a party, so I have to go buy a keg of beer.”

On being absent: “My pet is sick.”

“I have major plumbing problems.”

“I have a hangover.”

“I’m looking for another job.”

“I deserve a day off.”

“I was having sex.”

“I wanted to hide from that customer.”

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Two for the price of one‌

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

(The spelling in this letter has not been corrected.)

Hello: I am answering your add you ran in the p.d.

Yes, I have don construction for four years. And went into The factory after three Factorys Closing in Northen Ohio. I hound my self out off a job sense 1991 I hade ben putting in lawns. The last job three month ago was sealing a basement and put in drain tile. And about the prise I have 19 year old son he haven ben able to fine work so you can get two for the prise off one.

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

Yes, I’m qualified for that supervisor’s job…

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And You Thought You Had A Rough Day!

I was the First Place Champion of the 19__ Cemetery Association Backhoe Competition!

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This booklet was produced for your enjoyment.

It is based on actual experience, as I remember it, and demonstrates many examples of Stupid People Syndrome .

A Publication of Common Sense University We Stamp Out Stupid People Syndrome

P.O. Box 211 Twinsburg, Ohio 44087 Phone: (330) - 425-7406 E-mail: dougj@comsense.org Web: www.commonsenseexperts.com