The Bournemouth Directory - September 2011

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The Bournemouth Directory Edition 7

Published by: Debbie & Stephen Corney of Dorset Publications

Telephone: 01202 894397

Email: info@thebournemouthdirectory.co.uk

Copy deadline for October edition: 26th September 2011 Disclaimer: Whilst every care has been taken to ensure that data in this publication is accurate, the publisher cannot accept any liability to any party to loss or damage caused by errors or omissions resulting from negligence, accident or any other cause.

The Bournemouth Directory does not officially endorse any advertising material included within the publication. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval systems or transmitted in any form, without prior permission of the publisher.

Dear Bournemouth Residents!

Well I have to say that we have had a very easy summer this year. Hayden spent three fabulous weeks at Grandma and Grandad’s up in Hull. The house was rather ‘empty’ to say the least and I was very glad to have him back but knowing he learns all sorts of skills from sorting the maggots out for fishing, to planting seeds and an oak tree, to baking a fruit crumble, to cleaning the lawn mower and even washing the doors ready for decorating...I am more than happy to let him have fun! Unfortunately he is not quite so keen at home….It is our family holiday this week so I do hope we get some sunshine. It certainly has been mixed weather.

Here in The Bournemouth Directory we have many local tradesmen and businesses offering their help. The full index at the back gives the whole range of services available. Please do call them whenever you need something done in the house. This really does make all the difference and I thank you for supporting the local people.

There are some interesting articles this month too… including 5 tips on being a new biker, there is an art competition for children, find out about the dazzling dragonflies from The Dorset Wild Life Trust, the Bournemouth Pavilion enjoys success and the Cerne Giant may not be so ’proud’! Oh Yes, don’t miss out on the 2 for 1 Pizza at Banana Wharf1 The lucky winner of the prize last month was Lynne Gallivan. Well done!

This month there is a free DVD and two tickets to see Mantovani at The Bournemouth Pavilion in October. Great prize so good luck! Wishing you a good month of September,

Debbie

Useful Telephone Numbers Local Police Bournemouth Airport Central Library Emergency Electric

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01202 222222 01202 364000 01202 454848 0800 0280 247

Royal B’mouth Hosp B’mouth Council Bmth & W.H. Water Emergency Gas

01202 303626 01202 451451 01202 590059 0800 111 999

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Let Us Take The Strain From Your Mailing Campaign!

We specialise in mailing solutions for direct marketing mailshots.

We offer not only enveloping of items, but also polywrapping of catalogues, brochures, newsletters etc.

We have a team vastly experienced in “out of the norm� items, who will hand enclose items that need just a little more work to them.

Print finishing always a possibility too!

We will always work out the cheapest postage costs we can for your mailshot, being accredited for several Royal Mail discount schemes.

Tel: 01202 530753

POSTCARE

Email: sales@postcare.co.uk Unit 5, 502 Wallisdown Rd, Bournemouth, BH11 8PT

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mailing solutions

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Circle of Success Following on from the phenomenal success of Calendar Girls, BH Live are very pleased to announce a 17% increase in tickets sold at their entertainment venues – which are the Bournemouth Pavilion and the BIC (Bournemouth International Centre) – for events in the first eight months of 2011 compared to the same period in 2010.

Calendar Girls recently attracted an audience of over 15,000 during a two week run in the Pavilion Theatre and with both venues bringing a diverse and stimulating range of events to Bournemouth for the remainder of the year, BH Live are confident that this could be an exciting year in terms of visitor numbers.

Head of Venues, Steve Piper has been delighted with the resident and visitor support of the theatre “It’s great to see our efforts at bringing in top

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quality shows and entertainment being rewarded by high audience figures and excellent customer feedback. Customers have recently told us that they would prefer the circle seats to be available more often and we have now amended our policy to ensure they are. Acting on customer feedback is important to us.”

Live entertainment seems to be resonating with people strongly at the moment and London Theatres have already reported increases on 2010.

BH Live is committed to bringing a wide range of events to Bournemouth to strengthen the areas cultural offering and give everyone the opportunity to experience the thrill of a live event.

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Dorset Denture Clinic Creating Natural Smiles • • • • • •

New dentures Relines Home visits Denture repairs Free parking Affordable prices

Dentures created within the clinic, offering

THE MOST COST EFFECTIVE SERVICE FOR DENTURE WEARERS FREE CONSULTATIONS ~ FREE DENTURE CHECK

01425 272380 415c Lymington Road, Highcliffe, Dorset, BH23 5EN

www.dorsetdentureclinic.co.uk

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Talking about wildlife with

Dazzling Dragonflies Dragonflies are amongst our most ancient insects, having been around for about 300 million years. In Britain, they are divided into two sub-orders of the insect family Odonata: dragonflies and damselflies. Damselflies are the smaller and weaker flier of the two, tending to stay close to their aquatic habitats, unlike dragonflies, which are stronger and more adventurous.

Dragonflies have featured for centuries in many folk legends and myths, revered in some cultures and feared in others.

Despite their old folklore name ‘the horse stinger’,they are harmless to humans and neither bite nor sting.

Dragonflies require a steady supply of water with plenty of vegetation, and can be found near rivers, ponds and canals, thriving in unpolluted water, therefore being reliable indicators of good water quality. They go through three life stages; egg, larva and adult.

The aquatic larvae are formidable predators and generally feed on anything smaller than themselves: small fish, ta d p o le s, a n d e v e n other larvae. The adults prey on other flying insects such as moths, m i d g e s a n d mosquitoes. They are excellent and agile fliers, and rely on their eyesight when hunting.

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The complete life cycle of the dragonfly is anywhere from a few months to a few years, the adult being the shortest, usually a couple of weeks.

Dragonflies are devoted sun worshippers and at their most active in good weather at the height of summer.

In Britain, they face threats such as habitat destruction and fragmentation, as well as pollution, and species of British dragonflies have become extinct in the last few decades.

Dorset Wildlife Trust’s Upton Heath reserve has recently been named in the top 40 sites in the UK for dragonflies and September is a great month to look for them. If you would like to join Dorset Wildlife Trust’s Dragonfly Group to help record sightings around the county, email Andrew Brown on: brown_a_r@yahoo.co.uk Common Blue Damselfly

Photo by Richard Collier

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ALL MOPPED UP Residential Cleaning Services • Weekly

• Move in

• Monthly

• Move out

• Fortnightly

• Spring Cleans

• Occasional

• Holiday Homes

Call for your FREE estimate:

01202 479892 Website : www.allmoppedup.co.uk Email : allmoppedup@sky.com

30% OFF

Your first 3 pre-booked cleans.

10% off each clean.

New customers only.

Don’t get hot under the collar about IT… Call Fahrenheit!

• • • • • •

Broadband & Wireless Networking Virus Removal and Protection Network and Systems Support Hosted Email Solutions We support Mac, Windows & Linux Basic Training Courses & 11-1 Tuition

Call Daniel at Fahrenheit IT on

Freephone: 0808 147 6986 Mobile: 07830 256 421 Email: daniel.cave@fahrenheit-it.com Web: www.fahrenheit-it.com

BD September 2011 page 9

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5 Tips for The New Biker 1. Preparation is your new middle name – Everyone rides with their favourite stuff with them, but think about riding with things that might help in the future were something to happen. For example, a small puncture repair kit, or a piece of a plastic hose (for siphoning petrol if you were to run out in the middle of nowhere and a motorist stopped to help) and hey, maybe even a juice box.

Because really, who doesn’t like juice?

2. Protection is key - get good kit and something for all seasons. And definitely invest in a quality helmet!

3. The art of maintenance – no one expects you to be able to service your bike or perform major servicing. But being able to do some rather basic maintenance on your bike will improve your confidence, your comfort on your bike and the ability to troubleshoot the little things.

4. New habits (should) die hard – It’s important to learn and integrate a new awareness ASAP. Of course it’s something you’ve studied and practiced but

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integration is the key. As someone once wisely suggested, “Ride as if you are invisible and everyone else on the road is out to get you!”

5. It’s all in the ‘tude – It’s impossible to actually give advice on what the right “attitude” is to have or how to get it. But never fear because if you’ve gone to the effort of becoming a biker, then the seeds of a free and often rebellious spirit with the love of the ride are already in you. In other words, The Force is with you, young Skywalker.

Author info: Dave Stoppie is a proud member of BLD: The UK Motorcycle specialists. BLD is staffed by bikers, managed by bikers, for bikers and specialises in MOTs, Servicing, Bike Transportation, Custom Paint, Accident Assistance, Tyres and more!

Find Dave on Facebook and follow him on Twitter: @DaveStoppie.

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Children Helping Children Art Competition for ages 4 to 18 DORSET 2012

* Judged by local artists * 4 age groups * 4 prizes in each group * 250 pictures exhibited

In Spring 2011 Young Art Dorset raised £12,200 for research into children’s cancer. Please help us to continue to support this work by entering the 2012 competition through your local Dorset School.

EXHIBITION to be held at the Arts University College Bournemouth on Saturday 31st March 2012

Adults — If you would like to join our friendly team of volunteers to help us with this project please contact Annie or Vicky annie.youngart@hotmail.co.uk vicky.youngart@hotmail.co.uk

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Young Art Exhibition 2011

All details on our Website www.youngartdorset.org

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Refurbish your stairs with our quality turnings, handrails and mouldings Please phone for brochure. Free advice and measuring service.

Installation arranged if required.

a s i ts e! tm K abl ris s & ail Ch ric av b Fa now e ar

STAIR PARTS

Telephone: 01202 478491 www.pinksembroidery.co.uk 65 Bargates, Christchurch, BH23 1QE

“The best stocked Independent Needlecraft Supplier in the South” FOR ALL YOUR EMBROIDERY, PATCHWORK, QUILTING & HABERDASHERY SUPPLIES Adults’ & Children’s Classes Children’s Parties

(01202) 825555

OPENING TIMES

www.briggs-products.co.uk

Tue-Fri Sat

21 Blackmoor Road, Ebblake Ind. Est., Verwood

Other joinery work undertaken. Hardwood/ Softwood supplied and machined to order.

EAR WAX A PROBLEM GET RID OF IT WITH PROFESSIONAL CLINICAL EAR CARE FROM

KELLEAR HEARING 51 Bargates Christchurch BH23 1QE

PHONE 01202 488091 FOR AN APPOINTMENT Christchurch Clinic Free Parking At Centre Consultation And Treatment From £35 Home Visits Available From £40

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10am–5pm 10am–1pm

kits ▪ fabrics ▪ patchwork & quilting ▪ haberdashery ▪ zips ▪ needles ▪ scissors ▪ threads ▪ buttons ▪ ribbons ▪ braids ▪ gifts ▪ ideas ▪ advice

BOURNEMOUTH SPE@KERS CLUB A small friendly group meeting every other Tuesday through the Winter. Held at the Carrington House Hotel Bournemouth at 7:30pm starting 13th September.

September Practice speaking to a small group of people to gain confidence and experience in speaking in public. Three social events a year, barbeque, guest night and annual dinner.

A great evening with plenty of humour and entertainment. Come along to see what we do.

Just turn up or contact

Geoff 01202 707857 or Marion 01202 393396 for further information.

First 3 meetings are free. www.bournemouthspeakers.org.uk

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“A genuine personal service and unbeatable prices, I guarantee it” With over 30 years experience in the window and conservatory industry, Richard Thomas can offer you the very best in terms of quality of product and installation, at the most competitive prices.

In fact, he guarantees that if within 7 days of purchase, you find a cheaper price for the same products and services, he will refund the difference!

Conservatories Their range of conservatories will suit any home or budget, from the simplest sun lounge to a bespoke orangery available in modern and traditional materials. From initial design they manage the whole project through to completion.

Doors All of their doors are manufactured to your exact specifications and feature the latest technology in terms of security and energy efficiency. Available in both aluminium and pvcu in a wide range of colours: Single PVC Doors • Bi-fold Doors Composite Doors • French Doors Sliding Patio Doors • Panelled Doors In-line, Tilt 'n' Slide, Multi-folding, you name it, they've got it!

Windows All Richard Thomas Windows are manufactured to your exact specification and feature the latest security and energy efficiency technology. Available in a multitude of finishes and specifications.

Richard Thomas also can supply and install Roofline products - Fascia, Soffits, Cladding & Guttering. No more rot and no more painting with their full range of maintenance free pvcu roofline products all are BBA approved ensuring a product that will not rot, flake or discolour and definitely never need painting again.

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The Art Memorial Co. Ltd. Est. 1946

Genuine Mexican Clay Chimeneas Imported from Mexico, our chimeneas are all hand made from high quality clay. Clay chimeneas have been used for many years for heating, cooking and baking. They are shaped to burn very effectively.

The clay body radiates heat and so it is easy to fill a patio with a welcoming warmth. Whether it is a plain colour chimenea or a decorative design that is chosen, our clay chimeneas will enhance any garden or patio area.

The Art Memorial Company has a large range of chimeneas, all shapes and sizes, importing through four separate companies with probably the largest selection in the South of the UK.

Telephone: 01202 741474 260 Bournemouth Road, Poole, BH14 9AN www.theartmemorialcompany.co.uk

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Just some of our fine clay chimeneas

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M/14795

PLH HEATING SERVICES LTD

Installation / Replacement of: • • • • • • •

Gas and Oil Fired Boilers Heating and Hot Water Systems Maintenance / Servicing / Repairs Landlord Inspection Certification Power Flushing Un-vented Hot Water Cylinders Solar Hot Water Installation

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193313

Bathroom Installations No Job Too Small

ALL TYPES OF PLUMBING CARRIED OUT

OVER 30 YEARS EXPERIENCE

Tel: 01202 890768 / Mobile: 07900 825884

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Jurassic Jaunt: Kimmeridge Quarry, Northern Route A pleasant 3-mile downland walk situated between the coastal path and the inner ridgeway. This walk is an up-and-back walk with a loop at the top. Some open fields and some shaded areas. Ideal for a casual walk with a picnic. No significant ascents or descents on this walk .

How to get there: - Grid Reference; 918801. Turn right for Kimmeridge/Creech off the Wareham Bypass. Follow the road for about 4 miles, up onto the ridge and descend the other side. Turn right for Kimmeridge and after about a mile, just after a right hand bend, park in the quarry car park on the left .

Information: Toilets There is a village shop with toilets in Kimmeridge about 1/2 mile further down the road, and about ¼ from the end of the walk .

Walk details: As you leave the car park, turn right and follow the bend around to the left and after about 100 metres, cross the stile on the right-hand side of the road. Go straight ahead, down to the wooden railings and follow the Footpath sign (100 yards).

At the gate, bear about 45 degrees left to a stile in the hedge (200 metres).

Follow the path through the woods, over the wooden bridge and out into the field.

As you enter the field, aim about 20 degrees right and w a l k t o t h e s t i l e ab o u t halfway along the right-hand hedge (1/4 mile).

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After going over the 2 stiles in this hedgerow, bear 20 degrees left to a stile in the far hedge (200 metres). At the gateway, face the telegraph pole in the middle of the field and bear 30 degree left and head for the telegraph pole near the corner of the field (300 metres). Just to the left of the telegraph pole is a stile in the hedge. Cross this, go straight ahead, up some gravel steps and follow the path up to the gate at the road (200 metres).

Turn left, and after about 30 metres, take the right-hand track, signposted ‘Ridgeway ¾ mile’. Follow this for about 300 metres until you reach the pathway.

Turn left, proceed to the sharp right-hand bend but cross the stile in the left-hand corner (150 metres). This will take you back down to the road (400 metres).

Turn left, follow the road back to the gate you exited from when coming onto the road (600 metres). Turn right and retrace your steps back to the quarry ).

Kimmeridge Bay from the Eastern Ridgeway

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Do you like talking to people?

Are you looking to earn a little extra pocket money?

I am looking for some help in selling advertising space in our magazines on a part time basis. If you are interested in local people, are cheerful, like talking to people and have a good telephone manner then please give me a call!

Hours are flexible. The rate is £7 an hour plus bonuses. If this sounds like something that might work for you, then call Debbie:

01202 894397 Or email: info@dorsetpublications.co.uk

Spirit Level Fencing All boundary solutions ranging from:

Panels • Feather Edge • Picket Chain-Link • Post And Rail And Many More!

We can beat any "like for like" quotation, ensuring our fencing installation and materials are of the highest quality.

For your free quotation please call Andrew on:

07767 214 797 BD September 2011 page 19

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September’s Gardening Tips From Paul Chatfield of Chatfield’s Garden & Property Services Always give your plants good thoughts!

Trees and Shrubs

for spiking lawns, removing thatch and reseeding.

A large number of evergreen shrubs can be propagated this month from stem cuttings made from the current season.

First come first served for ordering plants.

Fruit

Climbers and Wall-Plants

Vegetables

Many con tain er-grown p lan ts are obtainable from nurseries and garden centres for planting out this month, while there is still some summer warmth, to help roots.

Winter radish and turnips can be sown now. Gather all your remaining tomatoes and finish rip en in g in d oors, th e remaining plants if healthy put on the compost heap.

Roses

Greenhouse and Frame

Pruning of the ramblers and climbers which have finished flowering should be pruned early this month. This is so the new growth made during this season may be tied.

Towards the end of the month pot grown chrysanthemums with there flower buds well advanced should be placed in a cool, well ventilated house.

Borders and Beds

Any repotting that needs to be done should be attended to early this month before growth slows down, as it will soon get cold.

If a new border is to be made you must get it dug now, to allow soil to settle for planting later in the autumn.

Bulbs and Corms Most spring flowering bulbs and corms can be planted now. If you wish to transplant lilies delay until the very end of the month or into October.

Rock Gardens and Pools

Planting of strawberries should be completed as soon as possible while there is still warmth in the soil to assist rooting.

House Plants

Chatfield’s Garden & Property Services North 2, Sway Storage & Workshops Barrows Lane, Sway, Lymington Hants, SO41 6DD

Tel: 01590 682828 Mobile: 07821 610923

This month is excellent for construction of rock gardens and pools, before severe weather sets in. Plants may be put in from pots with little disturbance to the roots.

Lawns Not so much mowing is needed now. Also the height of the mowing should be increased. September is also an ideal time

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“A Unique Tribute to a Unique Life” • • • • • • • •

Caring Staff Personalised Funerals Pre-payment Plans Choice of Memorials Flower Ordering Home Visits 24 Hour Service Private Remembrance Room

8 Victoria Road, Ferndown Dorset, BH22 9HZ

01202 870404 www.co-operative.coop/funeralcare

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• Tree felling & limb • • • •

removal Pruning - best time is late Autumn to Winter Waste cleared Chainsaw qualified and insured Hedges removed or trimmed for winter

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Locally based in Tuckton Friendly and reliable Free Quotations

Contact Duncan Mason for more info

Tel: 01202 382615 Mob: 07773 784244 Email: duncanmason@hotmail.com Web: www.allseasons-treecare.co.uk

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RECYCLE YOUR CAR FOR CASH!

Any Car in Any Condition

bought for CASH! FREE Collection 7 days a week Scrap Cars • MOT Failures Non Runners • Accident Damage Cars Classic Cars • Commercial Vehicles

EA Licensed All DVLA paperwork completed Call DMC now for prompt collection on

Tel: 01202 788451 GARDEN

Design

LANDSCAPE & CONSTRUCTION

- landscape layout plans - detailed planting design - budget and schedules - supervision - supply of specimen plants

- natural stone paving - fencing and decking - block paved driveways - rock and water features - low maintenance gardens - regular and one off maintenance

25 years experience Portfolio and references available

David Burgess BSc(Hons) Horticulture

BD September 2011 page 22

07718 993119

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MANTOVANI:HOLLYWOOD TO BROADWAY BOURNEMOUTH PAVILION THEATRE — SUN 16 OCT 2011, 7.30PM After three previous sold out concerts Paul Barrett and Franck Leprince, in association with Kenneth Mantovani, bring the sound of Mantovani back to the Bournemouth Pavilion Theatre with, Mantovani – Hollywood to Broadway on Sunday 16 October 2011.

The show takes you on a nostalgic journey from Hollywood to Broadway, featuring movie and musical classics. Hear the unique Mantovani sound in Fiddler on the Roof, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Gone With The Wind, South Pacific and Dr Zhivago.

His countless fans will also love to hear Mantovani’s multi-million selling hits including Charmaine, Moulin Rouge, Some Enchanted Evening and many more.

Local promoter and lifelong Mantovani fan, Paul Barrett, insists on recreating the full might of the original Mantovani Orchestra and he dismisses several money-saving suggestions in his bid to precisely replicate Mantovani’s original instrumental line-up.

This doesn’t come cheap but he has no regrets. “It’s what I choose to spend my money on and I am absolutely delighted with the result,” he explains. “I could be buying luxury cruises or top of the range cars but what I wanted more than anything else was to recreate the Mantovani Orchestra and I’ve done it.”

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The Bournemouth Directory Prize Wordsearch U Q C X Y C K I E F C V G H E

N Y C M B A S K E T J N E H Y

P J C S A O Q R D A O K O S O

C C E S H X L H A D D L A O R

P H Q A T S E V R A H W B T M

V T F C G K Z V P L E N T Y M

S Q R D X X G S F N F E K Y M

B F U Z E D K C Y N M Q J J L

Z G I M Q A L H B B F U U A O

L W T T R J P O F R Z I T P G

W G C P E B B O N Q Z N M U D

I J R I I M Z L B H M O R W A

E N O Y P E N Q A B R X U N G

C I P A D J O G I L X F T Q V

I Y T K N M E D D G L L Y Z J

HARVEST AUTUMN ROALD DAHL PLENTY SCHOOL FRUIT EQUINOX BASKET MOON CROP

This month’s prize is a pair of tickets to see Mantovani: Hollywood to Broadway at the BIC in Bournemouth on Sunday 16th October PLUS a DVD of last year’s performance, so complete this page by 30th September and send to:

September Prize Wordsearch The Bournemouth Directory, 1 Moorlands Rise, West Moors, Ferndown, BH22 0JR

BD September 2011 page 25

Name: Address:

Telephone:

______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________

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Jean Martyn plays the Bournemouth Pavilion Jean Martyn has been a regular on the Bournemouth Pavilion Organ Concert program in recent years, but she shot to fame this year on Britain’s Got Talent, where she captured the hearts of the audience with her energetic performances, her big smile and her name on the front of her organ. Jean was a huge success and was voted through to the final which sealed her place in the Britain’s Got Talent Live tour culminating in an appearance at the BIC in June. Jean will now be returning to Bournemouth with her own show at the Bournemouth Pavilion Theatre on Monday 19 September, where she is sure to entertain the audience once again.

Jean said ahead of the September show “I always love coming here and I’m looking forward to weaving the Pavilion magic with the Compton, the piano and my Yamaha EL-900”

W AGGY T AI LS R E SCUE , i s a registered charity based in Ferndown. They rescue and rehome dogs that have been abandoned, neglected or otherwise in need of a good home.

Just a few lines to let everyone know that things are going well at the Waggy Tails Animal Sanctuary, building the extension started on August 22nd.

Two dogs are causing concern — they came in together after their owner died they need to go to a permanent foster home as they are

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Jean Martyn at the Compton organ console — photo courtesy of Richard Lee

about 12 years old . V et fee s will be paid by WTR they are both well adjusted with no problems that we know of and just need a lot of love for Foxy & Suzi the last few years.

Anyone interested in fostering Suzie & Foxy should call Waggy Tails Rescue on 01202 875000.

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ROB & JULIA HOME & GARDEN SERVICES Professional Lady Decorator • Painting & Decorating • Specialising in wallpapering • • • •

Decking & Fencing Patios & Block Paving Turfing Grass & Hedge Cutting

Call Rob on

01202 422370 07776 204959

• • • •

Kitchens Bathrooms Tiling Carpentry

FREE QUOTES AVAILABLE Est. for over 20 yrs Honest & Reliable Team

E-mail: freedom12313@msn.com

Call Julia on

01202 396685 07773 558898

E-mail: juliachubb1@yahoo.co.uk

DORSET FLAT ROOFING • Approved Installer of

RoofKrete • 30yr guarantee • Maintenance free • Puncture proof • Life span in excess of 50yrs • Totally waterproof

Mob: 07736 386 940 Tel: 01202 893 149 (eve) Email: dorsetflatroofing@gmail.com Website: www.dorsetflatroofing.com 86 Moorlands Road, West Moors, BH22 0JW

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A SHOCKING FACT ABOUT THE CERNE GIANT’S VITAL STATISTIC

E

veryone knows Dorset’s Cerne Giant – the chalk hill-figure brandishing a huge club on a hillside near the village of Cerne Abbas. And he’s brandishing a lot more besides, as he’s the only legally allowed pornographic image in Britain.

The Giant has always provided plenty of scope for speculation and wonder, tinged, perhaps, with a little envy. No one has really solved the problems of when he was made, or by whom, or why.

Unless you are unusually naïve or myopic, the most startling feature about the Giant is his gargantuan whatsit, which measures 23ft 7 ins (7.2m) in length – getting on for the length of a London bus.

You may be forgiven for thinking that whoever originally designed this iconic feature had a tendency to exaggerate.

However, recent research suggests, quite shockingly, that the thingummy was actually lengthened about the year 1908 – just over a century ago.

Previously to that year, pictures of the Giant show him with a huge circular navel. Pictures after that date show him without the navel, but with a very much larger piece of manhood – which had obviously been lengthened to incorporate the navel previously situated above its tip.

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The clear explanation is that some joker about that time had carefully and secretly cut the turf between youknow-what and the navel, and had then obliterated the bottom half of the navel. The intended result was that the top of the navel then became the top of the penis (oops, I’ve said it!).

If that is the case, then the earlier, pre-1908 objet d’art was a mere 15ft 8 ins (4.8m).

Who was the Edwardian practical joker? Did he ever make a deathbed confession?

---------------------------------And speaking of Cerne, it’s a wellknown fact that lovers hoping to produce a baby have traditionally had a snuggle on that very circumlocutory place. Indeed, a titled member of the aristocracy was so successful in this endeavour that he and his partner actually gave the resulting daughter the middle name of Cerne.

--------------------------------Cerne has many legends. For instance, St Augustine is said to have gone there to convert its inhabitants. He and his missionaries were met with scorn and derision, and had cows’ tails pinned onto the backs of their habits. The saint got his own back, however, and to their embarrassment the villagers of

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Find us online at www.thebournemouthdirectory.co.uk Cerne grew tails themselves, and for a while all future generations at Cerne were born with tails.

Another legend tells how St Augustine gave the village its well. He asked the locals whether they wanted beer of water – and when they tactually opted for water he struck the ground and created a well for them. The abbey has long disappeared, but St Augustine’s well still exists there.

As for the Giant, it was believed by the locals that he was a real ogre who ravaged the land around Cerne, particularly annoying farmers by stealing their sheep. At last, helped by the fairies, the inhabitants managed to capture him, flatten him out, and then

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permanently pin him down on a convenient hillside.

Today, Cerne is well worth visiting, as one of the prettiest villages in Dorset.

-----------------------------These stories and many more can be found in David Hilliam’s most recent book, The Little Book of Dorset which has Dorset’s red, yellow and white flag on the cover (£9.99 from most bookshops).

David is a local writer and lecturer, and is also the Secretary of the Southbourne Literary Society.

David Hilliam can be contacted on 01202 251356 or by email at davidhilliam@ntlworld.com.

The Cerne Giant in all his glory.

It can be found on the hillside near the village of Cerne Abbas, to the north of Dorchester.

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Index of Advertisers & Articles Aerials Astra-link ............................................................ 23 Articles 5 Tips for The New Biker ..................................... 10 A Shocking Fact about Cerne Giant .................... 28 Circle of Success.................................................. 6 Gardening Tips ................................................... 20 Jurassic Jaunt: Kimmeridge Quarry..................... 18 Talking about wildlife: Dazzling Dragonflies....... 8 Waggy Tails ........................................................ 26 Young Art 2012................................................... 12 Blinds & Shutters Ashley Blinds....................................................... 3 Broadview Blinds ................................................ 9 Block Paving K & S Paving ....................................................... 19 Builders Excellence Homes ............................................... 5 J Shirley & Sons ................................................... 7 Carpet & Upholstery Cleaning The Cleaning Doctor ........................................... 5 Cars — Recycling Dorset Motor Company ...................................... 22 Computer Services Fahrenheit IT ...................................................... 9 Courses Overcoming Ups & Downs in Life........................ 14 Denture Services Dorset Denture Clinic.......................................... 7 Domestic Cleaning All Mopped Up.................................................... 9 Embroidery & Haberdashery Pinks ................................................................... 13 Estate & Letting Agents Clarkes................................................................ 7 Events & Attractions Hooked on Classics ............................................. 1 Jean Martyn plays Bournemouth Pavilion .......... 26 Mantovani: Hollywood to Broadway .................. 24 Fencing Spirit Level Fencing ............................................. 19 Fitted Furniture Custom World..................................................... 3 Funeral Directors Cooperative Funeralcare .................................... 21 Garden Services All Seasons Tree Care.......................................... 21 Chatfield’s Garden Services ................................ 21 David Burgess ..................................................... 22

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Hearing Aid Services Clarity Hearing Solutions .................................... 17 Kellear Hearing ................................................... 13 Jobs Part-time Sales Staff ........................................... 19 Landscaping Supplies Suttles................................................................. 16 Memorial Masons Minster Memorials ............................................. 23 Mexican Chimeneas The Art Memorial Co. Ltd.................................... 16 Motorcycle Services BLD Group........................................................... 11 Plumbing & Heating PLH Heating ........................................................ 17 TC Services .......................................................... 32 Pressure Washing Services Harrison Services ................................................ 27 Printers Dorset Digital Print ............................................. 29 Property Maintenance Chatfield’s Property Services............................... 21 Rob & Julia Home and Garden Services .............. 27 Public Speaking Bournemouth Speakers Club............................... 13 Puzzles & Competitions Prize Wordsearch................................................ 25 Records & Memorabilia Rosered Records ................................................. 23 Restaurants & Bars Banana Wharf .................................................... 2 Roofing Dorset Flat Roofing ............................................. 27 Shipping & Delivery Postcare.............................................................. 5 Stair Parts & Woodworking Briggs Products................................................... 13 Tailors Fox Tailoring ....................................................... 31 Website Hosting BizGen................................................................. 22 Windows, Doors & Conservatories Richard Thomas .................................................. 15

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