Co-parenting with a Narcissist - A Survival Guide

CO-PARENTING WITH A NARCISSIST A SURVIVAL GUIDE

Narcissistic counterparents place themselves at the centre of everything rather than prioritising their children. To a narcissistic counterparent, the most important part of parenting is ‘winning.’

For many survivors of narcissistic abuse, the realisation that you’ll have to co-parent with the narcissist in your lives for the foreseeable future is a daunting part of your healing journey. Coparenting, or more aptly termed, counter-parenting with a narcissist, without a comprehensive grasp of the potential for further forthcoming abuse, can be a precarious position to be in, and the chances of you falling back into the narcissistic abuse cycle rises substantially.

Your narcissistic parenting may ignore, push, or test your boundaries. Or they might parent with less structure, empathy, or respect than you’d like.

They often get angry when you give them feedback or criticism. It can be hard to reach compromises. Their negativity can wear you down.

Narcissists dwell in anger and live for vengeance. They must be the winner, the best, and they will take great pleasure in distressing you…still. Years could pass, but a narcissist can be unrelenting. Until your children become adults, your narcissist co-parent will be in your life, and in the lives of your children. For many, this can become the nightmare you can’t wake up from. While you can’t change your ex or make them aware of their problem, there are things you can do to set boundaries, and better protect yourself, and your children.

Much like many other facets of narcissistic abuse, knowledge is your best defence against the abusive behaviour patterns. More often than not, co-parenting with a narcissist doesn’t even end when the child turns eighteen, which is why it is so important to lay a strong foundation of awareness before enduring this excruciatingly petty, abusive and time consuming battle that you never chose to fight.

We often call it counterparenting because the narcissist continues to intentionally work against a co-parent to undermine how they’re raising the children. The counterparent is not doing this because the way the other parent is raising the child is harmful.

Rather, they do it to spite the caring other parent.

Counterparents often: Let their kids do things the other parent would never allow Badmouth the other parent in the presence of the child Tell the child the other parent is to blame when something goes wrong Prevent the other parent from speaking with the child during visits Encourage the child to be insubordinate Tell the child the other parent doesn’t care about them Disobey court orders

They want to: Have sole authority over how the child is raised Become the favoured parent

The narcissist needs attention. They will post selfies looking for compliments. They will post their kids, looking for attention as a good parent. They will post FAKE but even if they believe it is real. Who cares if others think it is real ...

YOU KNOW THE REAL THEM and it is UGLY! Amber Alton

Control who is involved in the child’s life

So, let’s take a look at some of the issues you might encounter in a bit more detail ...

Courting Difficulties Highly-skilled NPD charmers easily dupe the courts, as they do most people. A judge may not see that your NPD co-parent is simply using the court to torture and control you through the kids. Co-parenting with a narcissist is exhausting. The behaviour patterns that narcissist’s display in co-parenting situations are designed to cause a significant amount of emotional conflict, decimate your emotional stability, and portray you in a negative light to family, friends and court systems.

Many brave souls attempt to prove to a judge that their ex is indeed a raging narcissist. Despite court dates, mandated evaluations, even lobbying the government – it usually fails. Proving to the court that your co-parent has a personality disorder like narcissism is near-on impossible when the abuse is not physical. A narcissist isn’t ususally willingly going to seek therapy for self-improvement (they’re perfect, the problem is everyone else), and even if they do, they are generally more than capable of fooling the therapists, so there likely won’t be an official, clinical diagnosis. But, remember, narcissistic harm in co-paretning can creep up on you, just as it did when you were in the relationship.

The problem with proving narcissistic personality disorder in court is the time, expense, and difficulty of actually proving it. The effort

will be exhausting and expensive and, in the end, could prove futile. The family court system simply isn’t set up to deal with the sh*t-storm associated with narcissism or other personality disorders, for that matter. And courts and justice split a long time ago. Nevertheless, detailed documentation is your best hope, and you should start that even if you believe all is well at the beginning.

Normal rules don’t apply with a narcissist. The stigma, shame and isolation surrounding high-conflict divorce can make co-parenting a nightmare. And, if you can, keep a sharp attorney – one with experience in dealing with toxic individuals – on speed dial.

Until family law has a better way to recognise and deal with narcissistic parents, you’ll likely be forced to share parenting time 50/50. Your narcissistic co-parent will use their talent for

Arguing with a narcissist is like getting arrested.

Everything you say can and will be used againt you.

manipulation and deception to concoct the perfect parent persona- only interested in the best interest of the kids…all the while you know this is their fake narrative hiding the true nature of the beast.

cards at any time, particularly as there was a previous history of sexual and physical violence which he had already managed to remain unaccountable for, and he was very prepared for every eventuality.

Be aware that a judge could also place your child on the witness stand. When answering questions in front of the NPD parent, you know there is a power play going on right in front of you. But most people can’t see how the very presence of an NPD can be so conniving, powerful, and threatening to a child. In my case, the children were groomed and conditioned as they grew up, making them ultimate weapons against me should a court scenario take place. He knew it might be on the

When the time came for the most recent police investigation, he used our daughter as a witness. She readily threw me under the bus even though she knows that I tell the truth, but she had no choice but to still desperately crave and work for the man who does not truly love her. It’s hard to see the damage to the child, and how they are totally under the NPD parent’s control.

With one look, the child is ‘told’ what to say – agreeing with and validating everything the NPD’s side says.

Nobody plays the parental alienation card quicker than the abusive parent who’s lost control over the survivor’s mind.

.

E.S

The child is forced to serve the needs of the narcissistic parent The most unfortunate part of all is that being raised by a narcissistic parent is tough on children. Really tough. The level of manipulation, brainwashing, demoralizing, and self-esteem destruction that a narcissistic parent inflicts upon a child is sadistic.

A narcissistic parent is a system gone wrong. Instead of a parent putting the needs of the children before their own, the child is groomed to take care of the needs of the narcissist parent. This creates a toxic bond that can have long-term consequences. Narcissistic parents often view their children as an extension of themselves and try to control or manipulate them into being who they want them to be.

Narcissistic parents manipulate not only the other adults in their homes and other milieus, they also manipulate their children through subtle and not so subtle means.

They may push their children into certain activities or viewpoints that would serve the parent’s needs, not the child’s needs or interests.

Will my child become a narcissist?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is unknown, but most professionals believe that there is a combination of biological and genetic factors at play.

Narcissism affects males more than females and tends to start developing during the late teens or early twenties. And while it’s very common for children and teenagers to display signs of narcissism, most outgrow this over time and don’t progress into full-blown narcissists.

Every time your toddler has a meltdown (much resembling those of his adult NPD father) you may panic and wonder if he too is a budding narcissist with borderline tendencies.

It’s a tough thing not to question, and there’s no way to know for sure. However, many people have been raised with only one good parent and turned out just fine. Not all children of narcissists become narcissists themselves, especially if they have one stable, emotionally healthy parent. But some children are susceptible, depending on the level of abuse and how the narcissist parent treats your child.

Narcissism is probably at least partially genetic, but it requires specific environmental factors to trigger its development in a child. As long as a child develops a secure attachment with a caregiver, the child is unlikely to become a narcissistic adult. Jody Allard

Financial abuse Parental alienation They will trash you to your own children. Parental alienation is one of the most heart-breaking things that can happen to a family. The loss of the loving parentchild relationship you once knew gone, all because your ex had to ‘win’. in a co-parenting scenario with a narcissist projection often manifest in the form of criticism and contempt for your parenting style. This is important to be aware of because the victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse are often plagued with self-doubt and self-blame because of how intense the abusive behavior patterns they experienced were. Meaning that when the narcissist in your life begins to bombard you with comments about how much of a terrible parent you are, you shouldn’t take it personally because all it is is projection. However, of note is the fact that this projection often rubs off on the children, who can come to believe that you are the bad parent and the narcissist is the hero. This effective conditioning can be extremely detrimental to you and to the children, as the false narrative, yet again, has its chance to overtake an essential reality.

You might learn to live with the gossip and side-eyes. But even more damaging (abusive actually) is that a narcissistic co-parent will speak badly about you to your own kids. They do this as a way to ‘win’ love by trying to ‘steal’ love away from you. Insane

thinking, I know. Do they not know love is limitless? They believe that by making you look bad, they look better. And an NPD always has to be “better than” at all times. NPDs will continue to do what they do best: triangulate, trash talk, and control.

Every narcissist needs a target, and it could be your kids. The narcissist will reinforces that everything bad is your fault time and time again – keeping you the enemy.

The loss of laughter, hugs, genuine bonding and conversation feels like the surgical removal of your heart (performed without any anesthesia while you’re wide awake). The loss of precious time with your child is time you can never get back.

Much like with NPD in the hands of the family court system, parental alienation is also a hard thing to recognize and prove.

Even though it is generally accepted that survivors of a narcissist can develop an array of mental health issues, depression, and anxiety, the courts don’t really recognize parental alienation as a real thing, sadly.

Your narcissist ex will still want to control everything financially.

They will want to make you pay. Literally.

There are two sides to this part of the story. There are the types of narcissists who are very good at making money and there are the types of narcissists who are very good at exploiting the kindness of others when it comes to money. Someone who lacks empathy, possesses a superficial charm, is charismatic, and manipulative will be able to make a lot of money and/or take a lot of money from others.

In co-parenting situations the two most obvious forms of financial abuse are employment sabotage and economic exploitation but the victims and survivors of narcissistic relationships with a considerable amount of financial abuse can also deal with the fallout from months, years or even decades of their abuser ‘taking care’ of the finances.

The damage a narcissist can cause to someone’s life through financial abuse is horrific. A narcissist’s lack of empathy, sense of entitlement, fantasies of success and power, and arrogance enables them to financially bulldoze the other parent with no remorse. It’s for this reason that developing an awareness of the different ways narcissists use money to control and financially abuse others is so important.

Don’t underestimate a narcissist’s willingness to use money to turn children against each other and against you. In my case, he started off paying maintenance, but then withheld that if I did not do what he wanted. When I eventually went through CSA, he lied his way out of paying. I was left, on a low income, without

child maintenance, but it was preferable to the battles, which again, he often used my children to fight for him. He paid them bits of pocket money, from his very high wage, to keep them on side, whilst not paying a far higher amount to me for child maintenance. The narcissistic co-parent might buy the children really expensive gifts knowing that the other non-narcissistic coparenting who they’re dragging in and out of court can’t match it.

So, again, they get the upper hand and often use the children as flying monkeys.

The beginning of this situation can be hard to see, because it just appears to be that your ex partner is being a good parent. But, this can turn into the scenario from hell later down the line. The narcissist wants control, and there is no better way than using money as a means by which to orchestrate your future life. Again, keep tabs (pardon pun) from the onset, so that you can remain aware of any changes that might reflect continued control of your life, rather than being the generous co-parent that he might look like at the beginning. Because financial abuse is so damaging, it must be addressed in the divorce or separation and set in stone, in writing, or legally if possible, or you may be left at the mercy of the narcissist without economic options. Financial abuse can include putting you in a position of never being believed. Always made to look small and incompetent.

Even in the eyes of your own children. As the years of financial abuse go on, the more persuasive this can be.

Your friends may not understand Sadly, people from all walks of life do not understand narcissism, narcissistic personalities, and narcissistic abuse. From the perspective of someone who doesn’t have the slightest clue of the absurd lengths a narcissistic person will go to protect their falsified identity, narcissistic abuse is unbelievable.

In my situation, the narcissist groomed the children to believe that I was the crazy, bad parent and they went out to tell anyone who would listen that this was the case. I did not lose close friends, but many people on the peripheral of our lives became convinced that I was the problem, and that the abusive, using, controlling and manipulative man was the hero. You should expect to deal with many people gaslighting you because they don’t understand narcissistic abuse. It’s for this reason that you should make building a support group, learning how to explain narcissism to others, and educating yourself about narcissistic abuse a priority in coparenting situations with a narcissist.

Narcissistic abuse is ruthless so you need to be just as ruthless when it comes to protecting your reality, healing journey, and sanity. It is not your job to educate others on narcissistic abuse, they either get it or they don’t. This is a very hard rule to follow because it often means that you’ll have to go no or low contact with close friends and family members until you’ve healed, sometimes even longer.

Narcissistic abuse leaves you plagued with negative emotions like self-doubt and self-blame.

These negative emotions often follow survivors of narcissistic abuse around for years after escaping the narcissistic abuse cycle and it’s for this reason that going no or low contact with those who don’t understand narcissistic abuse is so important.

The Smear Campaign Throwing mud in the hope that it sticks is another opportunity for the narcissist to gain supply at your expense It is not uncommon for the non-narcissistic parent to be smeared to people in positions of authority by a narcissist wanting to infiltrate the children’s circle with a smear campaign against the other parent.

Among the things most experts agree on is that narcissists never go quietly into the night; they do not simply disappear from view but instead practice the scorched-earth policy, leaving nothing but the burned wreckage of relationships and, sometimes, reputations.

The smear campaign is born out of a combination of factors, including the need to be right and have his or her “truth” become the prevailing script, retaining status and standing (making sure that his or her inner hidden shame doesn’t become public), and maintaining control of his or her image.

The woman or man high in narcissistic traits curates her or his public persona very carefully; appearing successful, accomplished, and together is all-important.

Dealing with this is going to be hard and painful, especially since it will confirm every worst thought you’ve ever tried to quell about the person, and it’s likely to damage your trust in humans generally in the short term.

Your best strategy is to ignore it and pretend it’s not happening.

The more you react or pay attention to what the toxic parent is doing the more they will do it, and the worse it will get. If they

don’t know that you are not doing what he’s saying, you telling them different is only going to sound false to them, children included.

Often, if you try to protest that the things they are saying and accusing you of aren’t true, the less are believed and the more they get away with.

If you stop actively trying to defend yourself you will find out who your true friends are and save yourself more distress than it is already causing. I know it hurts, but you just have to ignore it unless someone asks about it specifically, then you can clarify, otherwise don’t answer or comment on it.

Though you will, of course, feel offended, it’s important not to retaliate in kind or attempt to turn the tables. If the narcissist feels you have engaged in battle, they will escalate the violence in order to win. Take the high ground and stick to the truth; don’t speak ill of your enemy unless you have to.

This is tough medicine to swallow, but at the end of the day, you will feel good about how you conducted yourself; that actually matters. a smear campaign will make you feel shaken to your core and hugely insecure; after all, this isn’t a random stranger going after you, but someone you cared about or loved and were connected to in important ways.

Eventually, the truth will out, as Shakespeare wrote.

A narcissist wants to discredit your character, to evade people finding out about theirs. E.S.

4. Choose Your Battles.

My narcissistic ex is conniving and angry, and co-parents with a vengeance. He goes low every chance he gets, even for the pettiest of things.

Take the time he ripped me a new one because I rescheduled – not missed – my son’s karate class due to a scheduling conflict, on my parenting time, due to a scheduling conflict. He may be nannied up, but I can only be in one place at one time.

He’s like a lurking paparazzi hungry for even the measliest scrap, anything he can spin to use against me.

One morning, I showed up to volunteer in my kid’s class only to find he wasn’t there. The teacher informed me that he was pulled from school earlier because ‘Dad took us to the museum.’ Did I make a peep? No. Or when I found out that my 5-year old son got on a plane, by himself, without my knowledge or permission? Again, no peep out of me.

The list goes on and on.

Why do I let him slide? Because I have to pick my battles. And besides, it’s usually a battle that cannot be won – at least not without emotional collateral.

Next time your ex does something vial that you know they would tear you to pieces for if things were reversed, just ask yourself: Is this battle REALLY worth it.? You only get a small handful.

9 Steps You Can Take to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

5. Rise Above Narcissistic qualities (i.e. lack of respect, constant critiquing, blaming, and trash-talking) are in direct contradiction to the skills required to maintain a solid co-parenting relationship. So since co-parenting in the traditional sense is sadly not an option, think of it as ‘parallel parenting’ instead.

While you can’t control the way your ex NPD interacts with your children, you can control how you interact with your ex. Here are some important tactics:

As a healthy parent, you MUST rise above and put your children’s feelings above all the BS that comes with co-parenting with a narcissist.

1. Keep your distance and avoid conflict.

Maintain your Zen – stay cool, calm, and collected. Be the reason why your children have some peace in their lives.

Avoid your narcissist ex whenever possible and ignore their cruel remarks. Narcissists like making noise, tune it out.

Do NOT let them rope you into a hostile conversation about the divorce, or the past, or even the present, it’s a recipe for disaster.

And NEVER engage with them while they are having one of their typical, epic, explosive, rage-fests. You can’t reason with crazy so don’t try (you should know this by now though).

If you find your ex trying to engage you into conflict, don’t take their bait. Stop all communication immediately. Just take a deep breath and walk away/hang up/stop texting. Also, this is probably an obvious one, but don’t put yourself in a situation where you are alone with them, duh.

Co-parenting with an NPD can be like banging your head against a wall. Much like when you were married. There’s a haunting saying; “When you’re divorced, with children, you’re never really divorced.”

2. Keep communication simple, short, and business-like.

Stick to brief, basic, to the point, interactions (text or email is best). Keep the sole focus of your conversations on the well-being of the kids, and nothing more.

Always keep good documentation too; There is even app for this – it timestamps and verbiage can’t be altered after the fact! When your NPD ex drags you back to court (expected) you’ll have definitive records to work with.

3. Work out a detailed, finely-tuned schedule.

Spell out the specific days when the children are with each parent, including holiday and vacation specifics as well, even if seems petty and unnecessary.

Settling this up from the start saves you from future conflicts and makes for less communication with your ex over logistics.

Of course, this is easier said than done. You don’t have to go it alone.

If you’re struggling with recovering from narcissistic abuse, there are resources that can help.

You might like to try this: mind-map-journey

6. Be the best parent YOU can be – and don’t expect anything from your ex But how do you instill goodness when the NPD constantly models the opposite!? All you can do is be their role model and be their rock.

It’s a long game.

Be the example of how to handle challenges in a constructive, rational, not overly emotional manner. Model that it’s ok to be upset or frustrated without flying off the handle or screaming in someone’s face.

Your children must see that there are better ways to solve problems and express opinions. And that it is ok for others to have an opinion that differs from their own; That a difference of opinion doesn’t warrant a verbal attack or otherwise.

7. Live by example Show them what normal, healthy actions and reactions look like, especially when faced with difficulty.

Model humility. Your children won’t learn about empathy, compassion, and forgiveness from their other parent. Show them what a genuine apology looks like (they’ll certainly never see that from their narcissist parent).

Exemplify emotional intelligence and doing the right thing. Always take the high road –when they go low, you go high.

Absolutely no smack-talking about your ex to the kids, even though they hear it consistently from their other parent. Badmouthing their other parent feels to them like you are talking badly about them. For they see themselves as a part of each parent. Kids have a natural want to love both their mother and father.

8. Be the better person It’s a hard burden to bear and a tough pill to swallow sometimes. My daughter may never come around, or maybe she’ll come around once she has children of her own. All I can I do is exemplify goodness and love… as I wait…and wait…and wait.

9. And remember: Only you can control you.

You do you; There ain’t a dang thing you can do to change your ex’s parenting skills–or life skills in general.

Why even worry about what is or isn’t going on over there (unless there is imminent danger or abuse, then act yesterday).

Show your kids stability. Stay focused on your main goal of putting your children’s best interests first and foremost. Break the wheel!

And most importantly, love them no matter who they are, or who they want to be, without condition. They’ll appreciate you for it, if not today then one day!

A narcissist will forever attempt to strip you of your confidence in yourself and in your parenting decisions.

Do not let them.

Stay strong survivors of narcissistic exes!

Nicole Smith - survivedivorce.com

Using the ‘grey rock’ method when co-parenting with a narcissist Narcissists thrive off narcissistic supply. As soon as they wake up in the morning they are off to get their attention, (good or bad) just like a junkie goes out to find their drug of choice. Without fuel, the narcissist feels weighed down and energy-less; which is why thesy feel a desire to conjure up so much drama, and use other people’s reactions to play the victim. The theory behind ‘grey rock’ is that grey rocks are boring. They fail to attract attention, which means they are more unlikely to be bothered, and sourced out by those attracted to sparkly objects . Their unappealing, boring look, and ability to blend in makes the grey rock unique, and really quite beautiful from the point of view a man or woman wanting to escape a dangerous narcissist who keeps baiting them for a reaction.

Grey rocks remain untouchable.

The shiny, colourful rock on the other hand, stands out, and is far more appealing to the eye. The grey rock in all of its beauty gets left alone on the banks of the river to sit in solace, while the colourful rocks attract visual attention, which leaves them ripe for the picking.

Narcissists love shiny, sparkly people. They love charismatic individuals, sensitive souls, exuberant people, hilarious people, highly reactive people, and those who pull the narcissist up on their terrible behaviour. Its a double edged sword, they also hate these people for their giftedness, and usually end up becoming very jealous of them. However, they love the A grade narcissistic supply they can get from these people.

What is the attraction to these personality traits? People with these personality traits stand out, and attract a lot of people (supply to a narcissist). This could be very beneficial to a narcissist.

Reactive people, emotionally charged people, and those who pull the narcissist up on their vile behaviour particularly stand out to the narcissist as potential sources of supply. Why? Because they engage. They challenge the narcissist, won’t stand for the narcissist’s rubbish, and will often lecture and prescribe advice; advice which goes in one ear and out the other over and over again.

Narcissists in a co-parenting situation use their exe’s reactions against them to scapegoat them If a malignant narcissistic ex knows they can get a reaction out of their target because they have many times before, then they will keep trying until they give them what they want. They are relentless in their pursuit of narcissistic supply. The narcissist doesn’t see their target as a person. They see them as an opportunity for fuel, which is why they may never entirely stop goading, baiting, and provoking their target into giving away a reaction, even with grey rock in plac.e

How does a narcissistic parent use their ability to goad you against you?

The narcissistic ex will constantly accuse their non-narcissistic ex of being unfair, mistreating them, and doing everything they can to make the narcissist’s life hard. It is just what they do. They need the narcissistic supply that playing the victim role gives them. The narcissist will turn everything around, accuse their target of doing to them what they are actually doing to their target, and will smear their ex-partner (who is probably quite a lovely person) to everybody they can.

I have heard so many stories where the malignant narcissist has used the co-parenting situation to pay the other parent back in any which way they can at every given opportunity.

They usually try to turn everybody they possibly can against the non-narcissistic parent, including the children. Very often, everything the parent does with the children, for the children, or in regard to discipline with the children is put down in front of the children. This sets the parent up for negative treatment from the children, who unknowingly act out the narcissistic parent’s angst against the alienated parent.

It is all too common for a narcissistic parent to set the parent up over and over again for big reactions right in front of the children. One narcissistic parent I knew of, would call the nonnarcissistic parent while in the car with the children, and leave speaker phone on for the children to hear the conversation.

If the other parent became rightfully distressed over being baited and goaded on the phone, then the narcissist would use the incident to scapegoat the parent to the children. This narcissist would use manipulative body language (rolling their eyes, looking sad. and distressed) in the hope that the children would go into bat for them while the narcissist was on the phone. The alienated parent couldn’t understand (until they realised they were dealing with a narcissist) why a parent would deliberately involve the children in adult issues.

The same narcissist would show the children private emails from the other parent. They would manipulate the children into believing that the very assertive, non-abusive email was, in fact, abusive; which would again, ignite the children’s protective instinct over their dangerous parent. The children would unknowingly go against the innocent parent to protect

the person in the wrong, the narcissistic perpetrator. Every opportunity possible was used by this dangerous narcissist to scapegoat the other parent to the children.

Possible problems with using the grey rock method If you have to pretend or act as a grey rock, it’s unhealthy for yourself in the long term, because your attention will still be on how to behave and act around this narcissist. It may be a relief temporarily, and it can be very useful or even necessary in order to create some emotional distance at first, but acting like a grey rock only works for some time.

Furthermore, it is not always as simple as saying: “I cut ‘em off, and they quietly went away.” Tales of utter rage, smear campaigns, turning children against you, expensive court battles, stalking, relentless horrific behaviour to ensure you pay exist and these are anything BUT the narcissist going quietly into that good night.

Unfortunately, this method can backfire, instead of losing interest, your lack of engagement can frustrate them. As a result, they may escalate their negative behaviorus in order to get a response out of you.

There is no research on whether the grey rock method is a safe or effective way to protect a person from emotional abuse. Anecdotal evidence suggests some people find it helpful, but whether the method works may depend on a person’s situation, their relationship with the abusive person, and the abusive person’s temperament.

A parent who is prepared to prioritise their own wants and needs to destroy their ex ahead of the wishes, feelings and wellbeing of their child, is a devastating form of abuse.

Extreme Modified Contact Implementing No Contact when you share kids may seem difficult, but it is definitely possible. It requires something I call Extreme Modified Contact. Full disclaimer, though, it will entail acting in ways you wouldn’t even consider under normal circumstances. Not only towards the ex, but also in developing a forced coolness when it comes to your child.

First and foremost, you MUST accept that being civil and mature is not part of the narcissist’s makeup. Therefore, do not settle into a false sense of security when the narcissist assures you they will come through for the kids or be honest with you going forward.

When you are deceived by their tricks and ulterior motives, they see it as an invitation to keep taking advantage of you… and to continue their tyranny and dictatorship over your life.

It’s time to overthrow their oppressive regime and take your life back into your hands. Following are some basic steps to stop the madness and start experiencing a sense of stability.

It’s called ‘Extreme Modified Contact’ and here’s a snapshot of what it looks like in real life:

1 – Don’t Let Your Cell Phone Be Your Downfall Does it seem no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be free from the narcissist’s nefarious games?

If you suffer from out-of-the-blue, or semi-automatic text messages from the narcissist that catch you off guard (or cause anxiety, never knowing when you’ll be attacked), the only way to squash these despicable games is to change your cell phone number and refuse to give it to your ex.

In most states, you are only required to have one outlet of communication for the other parent to contact you regarding your children. This could include land-line, email, or even better, a court-appointed email system.

Having the ex contact you by email is especially nice since most everyone has their email set up to go to their phone, anyway. This way, you can read the email and decide whether you need to respond right away. It also cuts down on ambushes because emailing takes more effort.

Texting, SMS, and messaging platforms are very easy venues for the Narcissist to attack at will. Cut out that option for them.

Not only will it decrease the number of stealth attacks, but you will also have some nice email documentation to present to the court if you ever have to file a harassment order or simply want to demonstrate his or her instability.

Under no circumstances should you agree to put into your custody agreement that they can contact you through your

cell phone at their whim, regardless of whether they’re a doctor who’s always on call, a nomadic salesman who’s constantly overseas, or a trapeze artist in a traveling circus.

If you are truly serious about your freedom, don’t allow them to contact you through your cell phone.

3 – Set a date for when they’ll no longer be allowed inside your residence

Even if you use it for work, have had your number for years, are on someone else’s plan, don’t want to “show them they’re winning”, or because they’ll throw a fit.

Your home is supposed to be a place where you feel safe; your haven; your sanctuary from the world. For this reason, if you’ve been letting the ex come inside your home, you’ll want to set a date for when this will stop.

Yes, they’ll throw a fit. This is the main tool they use to control and dominate you.

You have the right to insist that they no longer enter your residence.

Leaving them with access to contact you through your cell phone is the number one, sure-fire way to ensure you will never be free from their toxic influence. Of course, once you’ve implemented this new boundary, you’ll want to make sure you don’t call them on their cell phone either, especially if there is a restraining order on file.

Notify them that you’ve made this decision – and don’t fall for the “let’s be civil for the kids’ sake” morality-laced spew. All narcissists say this, and the one in your life is no different.

2 – You don’t have to answer the phone every time they call Let’s assume you’ve taken care of step one.

What should you do if they call your house phone numerous times a day?

Easy. Let it go to voicemail and then determine if you need to respond.

Better yet, make sure you outline in your custody agreement exactly what days and times they can call your home to check on the kids.

When the narcissist calls, it’s usually to blame and shame you for some fabricated sin. This is done in order to look like a concerned parent in front of a new partner or even in front of your kid(s).

Never mind that they haven’t paid child support for seven months and canceled the kids from their insurance (no one knows about that except you).

Why participate in that? If you do engage in conversation, hang up the moment the focus deviates from the kids or the ex turns abusive. You can offer a warning the first few times, but simply hang up after that. No explanation needed.

Narcissists don’t co-parent. They don’t care about the collateral emotional damage done to the children, as long as it hurts you.

If they attempt to disrespect your request, inform them you will notify the authorities. Then follow through, if necessary.

This is not only necessary to implement a new way of life for you, but also to eliminate under-handed schemes often employed by tricky narcissists. These tactics may include planting spyware on your computer and in your home, stealing heirlooms and other valuables (including cash), raiding your home in search of evidence of a new partner, or simply a ploy to keep you feeling off-balance and subjugated.

Trust that they’re a jerk. You’re not doing anyone any favors by letting the narcissist inside your home – except for the narcissist.

4 – Don’t feel that you have to go along with their requests for schedule changes.

Does your ex often make last-minute plans that don’t involve the kids – during their time with them – and want you to jump in and smooth things over?

That’s not up to you.

5 – Summon the Law of Attraction when it comes to your kids.

It’s easy to fall into insanity and obsession wondering what’s happening while your kids are with the ex. Create a vision board and place index cards on it with quotes such as: “________” (insert child’s name) is always safe and healthy; “_________” knows I’m a wonderful parent; “_______” is always happy.

Whatever is applicable and relieves your anxiety.

In spite of your worry, try to visualize your kids being nurtured and loved. Place happy pictures of them on or near your vision board. Place their well-being into the hands of God/Source/ Divine Intelligence and be the best parent you can be when they are with you. Embrace what you can control and let go of that which you can’t.

As painful as it might be in regards to your children, don’t allow your ex to get comfortable with this destructive habit.

If you agree to it once, it will become a part of your long-term arrangement. It not only upsets your kids’ routines, it opens the door for your ex to continue taking advantage of you.

If you suspect any kind of abuse, start documenting and contact social services if necessary.

If you do make any exceptions, they should only be in the event of their confirmed illness or injury. Are they claiming they’ve broken a toe-bone? Been diagnosed with a crippling disease? Request documentation from the hospital.

Except, it doesn’t work with narcissists.

Your ex needs to make their personal plans during the times your kids are with you. Not the other way around. If you cave each time this happens, it makes it more difficult for you to have a case in the event you want to file for a modification of custody later. Don’t set yourself up for that.

In fact, if this happens on a regular basis, make sure you document everything and present it to your attorney. You may have grounds to file for a custody modification.

It’s important to remember that what often feels obligatory is simply your conscientiousness firing. You want to be fair, do unto others what you’d have done unto you and all of that.

Nothing changes if nothing changes It’s hard to break old habits. Especially ones that form inside toxic environments because trauma bonds must be broken in order to move forward.

You cannot rely on the narcissist to finally leave you alone. This is something you must enforce on your own.

You must implement a different set of rules with them and not feel guilty about it. Remember, you wouldn’t be forced to do all of these things if not for who they are. Stand up for yourself and your right to a calm environment inside your own home.

Kim Saeed - https://kimsaeed.com

Wishing all survivors who are co-parenting strength and knowledge in their journey.

Much love,