Dear Gabby

Welcome back to the Dear Gabby advice column. I can’t believe that it’s already March! March Madness. Did you ever notice that Dads call this March Madness because of basketball and Moms call it March Madness because it’s the kids Spring break? St. Patrick’s Day is also a big deal. I guess it’s okay to pretend that we’re Irish on St. Patty’s Day. We pretend we’re good on Christmas, don’t we? My toast to you: “May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage that you had for lunch!” Drop me a line by going to www.PostcardsLive.com/share and clicking on Dear Gabby for useful advice. Like: Cook your kale with a little coconut oil. It makes it easier to scrape into the trash.

Dear Gabby

What is it with old people? They don’t have any sense of humor. I put bubble wrap under my neighbor’s door mat and he didn’t think it was funny at all. It really didn’t sound like gunshots, like he said. He won’t even talk to me now.

Dear Guy

Old people don’t like to be startled. Even a funny guy should be able to figure out why. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have a sense of humor or know how to have fun. I live in the country and last month there was a rampant rumor going around that there was a Bigfoot in the woods. The neighbors said they make screaming noises, whistle and knock on wood to communicate with each other. They were very excited about that. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I hit sticks of firewood together to get rid of debris before I bring them into the house at night. I whistle for the dog to come in. Oh, yes, and I am surprised by an occasional mouse in the wood rack. I didn’t know anybody could hear me. And they think we don’t know how to have fun!

DEAR GABBY

I’m sure I am over my ex-girlfriend and then I see her somewhere. It’s been a long time, and I know she is toxic to me, but I get flustered and don’t know what to think of it..

Nervous Ex

DEAR EX

Do you know that feeling when you pull over for the flashing red and blue lights behind you and they go past? That’s relief! Remember why you separated and count your blessings.

CONFIDENTIAL TO “WORLD’S WORST DRIVER”:

I’m not so sure. On my last road trip, Siri said: ”In 400 feet, stop and let me out!”

Bear Member Account Auditor

Giggles & Grins

“It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationary.”

“What did the mermaid wear to her math class? An algae bra.”

“I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.”

“Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”

Dewey was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being bossed around by his wife, Marvella, so he went to his preacher to complain. The preacher said Dewey needed to build up his self-esteem and gave him a lecture on assertiveness. “You must tell her exactly what it is you want from her,” the preacher told him.

After the session, Dewey was all fired up and stormed into the house. Pointing a finger in Marvella’s face, he thundered, “From now on, I am the man of this house, and my word is law! Tonight you will fix me country-fried steak with cherry cobbler. When I’m finished eating, you’re gonna draw me a nice, relaxin’ bath. And when I’m finished with that, guess who’s gonna dress me and comb my hair?”

With a stone face, Marvella replied, “The funeral director.”

By Kim VanWagner, D.V.M.