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FEBRUARY 2017 / VOLUME 16 / ISSUE 02
Your Nashville Symphony L I V E AT T H E S C H E R M E R H O R N | G E T T I C K E T S TO DAY
VALENTINE’S WITH
PINES of ROME Feb. 10 & 11
AEGIS
SCIENCES FOUNDATION EST. 2013
feb. 14 & 15 the ritE of sPRING
IN THE MOOD
AMERICA’S FAVORITE BIG BAND MUSICAL
Feb. 12 • 3PM MATINEE
THE TEMPTATIONS FEB. 16 TO 18
AEGIS
SCIENCES FOUNDATION EST. 2013
with the Nashville Symphony
& Edgar Meyer World Premiere
Mar. 3
2
FEB. 23 TO 25
Mar. 9 to 11
AEGIS
SCIENCES FOUNDATION EST. 2013
Mar. 16 to 18
615.687.6400 • NashvilleSymphony.org
O U T A N D A B O U T N A S H V I L L E .CO M
FEBRUARY 2017
WITH SUPPORT FROM
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HRC NASHVILLE E Q UA L I T Y D I N N E R MARCH 25, 2017 ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ►
J O I N U S S AT U R D AY M A R C H 2 5 T H F O R T H E H R C N AS H V I L L E E Q UA L I T Y D I N N E R T I C K E T S AVA I L A B L E N O W AT H R C . O R G / B O X O F F I C E Early Bird ticket s available now through Februar y 24th R E N A I S SA N C E H OT E L N A S H V I L L E 530pm: Silent auction & cocktail reception 7pm: Dinner ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ► ►
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FAX 615-246-2787 | PHONE 615-596-6210 OUTANDABOUTNASHVILLE.COM
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Distribution: George Webster gwebster@outandaboutnashville.com
CONTRIBUTORS Writers: Julie Chase, James Grady, Jason McClain, Seamus O’Reilly, Mikey Rox, Barbara Sanders, Amy Sulam, Cody Tracey, Paige Turner
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Hosts Chuck Long and Brent Meredith with Megan Barry, Nashville Mayor.
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LEGAL Out & About Nashville strives to be a credible community news organization by engaging and educating our readers. All content of Out & About Nashville is copyrighted 2017 by Out & About Nashville, Inc. and is protected by federal copyright law and shall not be reproduced without the written consent of the publisher. All photography is licensed stock imagery or has been supplied unless otherwise credited to a photographer and may not be reproduced without permission. The sexual orientation of advertisers, photographers, writers and cartoonists published herein is neither inferred nor implied. The appearance of names or pictorial representations does not necessarily indicate the sexual orientation of the person or persons. Out & About Nashville accepts unsolicited material but cannot take responsibility for its return. The editor reserves the right to accept, reject or edit submissions. All rights revert to authors upon publication. The editorial positions of Out & About Nashville are expressed in editorials and in the editor’s notes as determined by the editor. Other opinions are those of writers and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Out & About Nashville or its staff. Letters to the editor are encouraged but may be edited for clarity and length. There is no guarantee that letters will be published. Out & About Nashville only accepts adult advertising within set guidelines and on a case-by-case basis.
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OUTANDABOUTNASHVILLE.COM/TODAY /OutandAboutToday
WHY ADVERTISE IN OUT&ABOUT? A LETTER FROM A LONG-TIME ADVERTISER BARBARA SANDERS
supplements other information and media
Why did I begin to advertise in Out and
resources in the community, Nashville
About Nashville so many years ago? It’s
would miss a huge piece of journalistic art.
simple. Advertising helps the magazine/
O&AN not only supplies regular print
newspaper survive, blossom, and excel in
and digital articles and photos. Years ago,
providing a hub for the LGBTQ community
O&AN sprouted into television where a
LQ 1DVKYLOOH 7KDW ZDV P\ ¿UVW UHDVRQ WR
vibrant show is hosted and watched by so many (cite reference). There is a yearly
advertise. But, O&AN is not just surviving anymore, it is thriving. Being an advertiser FRPHV ZLWK LW DOO WKH XVXDO EHQH¿WV QDPH and service awareness and recognition, increase of publicity so that readers know who you are and what you do, and ultimately perhaps increasing the volume of a business. But, that’s not all. Yes, we can attend the Pride march and
Barbara Sanders
print edition of services that support and provide for the community, and now I hear that it will become digital. Also, long
that could be not only to the magazine but to
ago I had submitted to Jerry Jones’ an
the Nashville and Tennessee population of
article I wrote for publication in O&AN,
readers who are discerning and thoughtful,
and since then, I sometimes submit other
UHÀHFWLYH FXVWRPHUV DQG FRQVXPHUV
pieces to O&AN either for digital or print
Support O&AN when and how you
publication, where I share my opinions
can. Thank you, Jerry Jones, for working
on holiday stress, suicide and grief,
so hard and so diligently throughout time.
relationship issues, politics, and more.
And, thank you to the staff who also puts
festival every year in order to support the
I would advise any of you who are still
their energy, enthusiasm and hearts into
LGBTQ community. We can participate
reading this piece to think about your own
making this magazine be the best it can be!
in and donate to other organizations
business or businesses that you frequent.
Barbara Sanders, LCSW, is an
that support the community as well.
Think about asking your business or those
advertiser in O&AN, a psychotherapist,
But, without a local news source, a print
businesses you respect if they will also
activist and writer in Nashville: http://
and digital magazine that parallels and
consider advertising in O&AN. What a gift
synergeticresolutions.blogspot.com/
Family Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner Brandon Teeftaller, APN specializing in brief therapy & medication management crisis and evening appointments available all patients welcome including adolescents and adults most insurance accepted including Medicare
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02.17
LETTER
Chelsea Manning voluntarily took an oath, broke it and endangered lives as a result. There is no excuse for that. I’m sorry, but I am an Army brat who takes a rather dim view of traitors, no matter their background or intentions. Ms. Manning was an enlisted soldier serving as a low-level intelligence analyst for the United States Army in a combat zone ZKHQ VKH GRZQORDGHG WHQV RI WKRXVDQGV RI FODVVL¿HG GRFXPHQWV and forwarded them to the international whistleblowing group, Wikileaks. She was caught, court-martialed, and sentenced to 35 years in prison for her actions. What Ms. Manning did was dead wrong. She put lives in danger worldwide by her actions and got put into a steel cage as a result. At best, she was misguided in her reasoning. At the very least, she did something dumb enough to warrant long spell in Fort Leavenworth. Either way this young lady has a lot of atoning to do outside of a military prison. Her recent pardon by President Obama and scheduled release by late spring was likely an act of compassion for her current mental state. It was the correct decision to make, but it does not excuse her crimes. I am well familiar with the majority of Ms. Manning’s personal problems related to being transgender. Been there, done most of that...bought the ugly t-shirt. She has real health problems, and I do feel sympathy for her backstory, but she gets short shrift from me for knowingly endangering lives. Gender dysphoria and its horrible effects on your daily life is no excuse for criminally negligent manslaughter if someone was killed as a result of your actions. If you willingly endanger the life of someone who is defending your freedom to be yourself someday, I’m going to have a problem with you no matter who you are or what noble feat you claim to have been trying to accomplish. I have problems with the current secrecy culture to—and military culture in general. The latter cost me a childhood spent in military school as a direct result of perceived homosexual inclinations and a lot of young adult pain. But I never ever thought about doing something to potentially endanger someone’s life just because I was upset with the system or how it treated LGBTQI people. Her crimes are comparable to others who needlessly endangered American citizens in the name of sacred causes. I am a loud and proud Jewish trans woman, but there is no excuse for what Jonathan Pollard
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FEBRUARY 2017
to the
EDITOR
or the Rosenbergs did either. If you leak critical government secrets because you think your agenda is more important, I am not going to cut you a break just because you are a fellow member of either tribe. We keep most secrets “secret” for a good reason. In the wrong hands, a military-grade secret can kill people very quickly. Secrecy is not always about covering up and screwing people over. That does happen and is to our nation’s shame. But military secrets especially are more often used as a tool to help keep people alive, especially those who defend our freedom. The enforcement of many of them kept my own dad safe while working in hostile lands to defend my right to be a open trans woman in a free country. The “X-Files” was great television...that’s all. Ms. Manning’s actions have needlessly called into question the loyalty and stability of transgender people, at the very least, to serve in this nation’s armed forces in any capacity. Her damage to our full community’s hard won reputation for reliable service in employment UHTXLULQJ DFFHVV WR FODVVL¿HG NQRZOHGJH ZLOO WDNH D ORQJ WLPH WR repair and give ammo to bigots. , YHU\ PXFK KRSH VKH JHWV WKH KHOS VKH QHHGV DQG ¿QGV KHU peace as a fellow transgender woman in this sometimes unforgiving heterosexual world. But she is not a hero. Her disloyalty to those whom she served with and helped protect her freedom to be Chelsea Manning will take forever and a day for her to apologize for. Julie Chase O&AN Columnist
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TENNESSEE RESPONDS TO A NEW WORLD ORDER THE AGE OF TRUMP IS A TIME FOR ACTION
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This is not the year to say, “I can’t be at the Days on the Hill.â€? This is the year to take off work, to keep your kids home from school, to go to the capital and show the world that this—not Trump’s sick version of reality—is how democracy works. SCHEDULE OF UPCOMING TEP-SPONSORED EVENTS: February 2, 6 p.m. TEP Franklin County Exploratory Meeting duPont Library, Sewanee )HEUXDU\ D P Âą HQG RI GD\ Advancing Equality Days on the Hill Part 1 Legislative Plaza, Nashville February 14, 6 p.m. A Sweet Date: TEP Valentine’s Day Mixer Sugar Mama’s, Knoxville )HEUXDU\ Âą S P TEP Gumbo Contest Hilton Memphis 0DUFK D P Âą HQG RI GD\ Advancing Equality Days on the Hill Part 2 Legislative Plaza, Nashville $SULO D P Âą HQG RI GD\ Advancing Equality Days on the Hill Part 3 Legislative Plaza, Nashville
FEBRUARY 2017
PHOTOS: JENNIFER SHERIDAN
JAMES GRADY
Election Day 2016 promised a changing world, and since then we’ve had glimpses of the dark future it would bring. On January 20, 2017, the deal was sealed as Donald Trump was sworn LQWR RI¿FH DV 3UHVLGHQW RI WKH 8QLWHG 6WDWHV Nationwide minorities, political enemies, and other-minded people, as well as the media and the world of facts itself, have come under pressure or are preparing for coming assaults. Locally, conservative state governments have begun taking steps, emboldened by the current national climate, to attack the constitutional rights of many groups, including the LGBT community. Sure, in the long run, they may be tilting at windmills. Sure, it’ll be hard to overturn the SCOTUS decision protecting same-sex marriage. Sure, we all know that in the end existing statute protects many of the ideals and institutions under assault. BUT for as long as this attack lasts, it is we who will suffer, it is we who will be cast into legal limbo, and it is we who will be deprived of our equal standing. January’s post-election Women’s Marches around the world were encouraging signs of resistance. Women and allies came out in far greater numbers than Trump supporters did on Inauguration Day and said we will not stand for this. In Nashville, tens of thousands of people showed up in what was likely the city’s largest march in decades, if not ever. But a march is a beginning, not a goal. Now that we’ve shown that we will be heard, ZH PXVW ¿JKW $QG EHKLQG WKH VFHQHV PDQ\ groups are planning to do just that. From Planned Parenthood to the Tennessee Equality Project (TEP), organizations are gearing up for what in some cases will be literally the ¿JKW RI RXU OLYHV Throughout January, TEP hosted Lobbying 101 classes around the state, preparing citizens to make themselves heard in the halls of power, gearing up for the months of activism that will be required to stand against a rising tide of anti-LGBT political actions, from the return of bathroom and counseling bills to the table to the addition RI DQ /*%7 HUDVXUH ELOO WKDW ZRXOG GH¿QH male and female across state statutes in the most pernicious ways.
POSTERITY BY DOUG WRIGHT
FEB 9 - 25, 2017 At Johnson Theater, TPAC
TICKETS: (615) 782-4040 NASHVILLEREP.ORG
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PRIDE NIGHT RETURNS TO BRIDGESTONE ARENA PREDATORS HOST SECOND ANNUAL EVENT JAMES GRADY
Last year, the Nashville Predators, in partnership with the LGBT Chamber of Commerce, made history by presenting the RUJDQL]DWLRQV Âż UVW Âł3ULGH 1LJKW ´ 7KH HYHQW was featured on the cover of last February’s Out & About Nashville. The popular event is being reprised this year on February 23 in what promises to become an annual event. As we pointed last year, the NHL has been at the forefront of sporting leagues that RSHQO\ DIÂż UP /*%7 DWKOHWHV DQG IDQV $ 2006 Sports Illustrated poll of the four major North American sports leagues—the NHL, the NFL, the MBA, and MLB—found that 80% of professional hockey players would accept a gay teammate, making it the most accepting of any league. More generally, hockey has given rise WR DIÂż UPLQJ PHVVDJHV VXFK DV WKH XVH RI “Pride Tapeâ€? on hockey sticks, and largescale initiatives like You Can Play, which was founded by a group of athletes involved in collegiate hockey. The organization has broadened its scope and encourages athletes and organizations in all sports to send the message that all that should matter is how you play the game, not who you are. You Can Play is co-sponsoring Pride Night in Nashville, as it does similar events across the country, as part of its mission to ensure that LGBT fans and athletes are included without a second thought. This is
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because the organization believes that the EHQHÂż WV GHULYHG IURP SDUWLFLSDWLRQ LQ RU FRQQHFWLRQ ZLWK VSRUWV FDUULHV EHQHÂż WV RI which no group should be deprived. $V WKH RUJDQL]DWLRQ VWDWHV Âł7KHUH DUH FRXQWOHVV EHQHÂż WV WR SDUWLFLSDWLRQ LQ VSRUW and sporting environments for athletes, coaches, and fans. Participation in sports teaches us dedication, perserverance, determination, goal setting, leadership skills, and how to work with others. All people VKRXOG EH DEOH WR H[SHULHQFH WKHVH EHQHÂż WV regardless of their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.â€? Last year’s Pride Night was held when the Predator’s were matched against the St. Louis Blues. This year, the event will be held on the night of February 23 when the Predators face the Colorado Avalanche. The JDPH VWDUWV DW S P EXW EHIRUH WKH JDPH all Pride Night attendees are welcome to join LGBT Chamber members at Bridgestone Arena for their February Brewing Up Business networking event. Two ticket options are available: $56 for lower level tickets and $31 for upper level tickets. Order tickets by phone or at www.nashvillepredators.com/pride, and enter promo code ‘PRIDE’ when prompted. Those interested in reserving a block of 15+ seats together should contact Dan Althoff at (615) 770-2043 or dalthoff@nashvillepredators.com.
FEBRUARY 2017
ACCORDING TO KEY STATISTICS PROVIDED BY YOU CAN PLAY: FROM OUT ON THE FIELDS (2016), THE LARGEST STUDY OF HOMOPHOBIA IN SPORTS: • 84% of Americans witnessed or experienced homophobia in sports (both straight and LGB) • 54% of all Americans and 60% of gay men believe LGB people are “not accepted at allâ€? or only “accepted a littleâ€? in sports culture • 78% believe youth team sports are not safe for LGB people • 83% of American participants believe an openly gay, lesbian or bisexual person would not be very safe as a spectator at a sports event
• In the United States, 50% of students in grades 6-12 who are LGBT reported being harassed or bullied in P.E. or gym class. (GLSEN, 2013) • More young people are identifying as queer. In a 2016 survey of Americans ages 13 to 20, 52% identify as something other than “completely heterosexual.â€? (J. Walter Thompson Innovation Group, 2016) • LGBTQ students often avoid athletic spaces such as locker URRPV DQG DWKOHWLF Âż HOGV GXH WR feeling unsafe or uncomfortable. (GLSEN, 2013) • 25% (1 in 4) of non-heterosexual student athletes at US colleges felt pressured to be silent about their identity. (Campus Pride, 2012)
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MIKEY ROX
There's a growing sect of society raining on everybody's valentine's Day parade by crying foul on consumerism. It's a Hallmark holiday, they shout. The candy companies just want your money, they howl. You know what we say? So what? Embrace it. Candy is frickin' delicious, and who doesn't like a thoughtful card every now and then? Thus, go full in this valentine's Day and throw up a finger to its critics with this list of fab gifts from your gay heart to theirs.
Whisk ’Em Away If you and bae are sweet on adventure, plan a getaway of fun and friskiness. Eat your weight in favorite foods with culinary tours from Avital Tours, available in select cities, or kick back and relax in the comfort of the quaint bed and breakfasts on BandBFinder.com, which provides a comprehensive list of LGBT-friendly accommodations across the country.
Custom-Printed Comic Book If you’re planning to pop the question this Valentine’s Day, skip all that knee jazz; ask your partner in crime to tie the knot with you by creating a custom comic book. YourComicStory.com will design a story from scratch using your memories and other personal details, the last page of which will reveal the big ask. The book also serves as a conversation piece and keepsake so you can relive the proposal over and over again.
Arrow to the Heart Necklace A bushel and a peck and a charm around her neck. Isabella *UDFH -HZHOU\œV KDQGPDGH ¿ QH VLOYHU DFFHQW FKDUP QHFNODFH IHDWXUHV ERWK \RXU QDPHV RQ VHSDUDWH DUURZKHDG FKDUPV ¹ so you’ll always be near each other’s hearts. Customize your own neclace or other jewlery at isabellegracejewelry.com.
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DI Y Steak & Wine Dinner Skip the line at your area’s most popular restaurants in favor of a DIY dinner featuring perennial Valentine’s dinner VWDSOHV UHG PHDW DQG UHG ZLQH Snake River Farms offers three decadent Wagyu beef gifts that arrive with everything you need to whip up a chef-quality meal in your own kitchen, prepared on Lagostina’s new Nera Hard-Adonized Collection, available at Macy’s. Wash it all down with our UHG ZLQH UHFRPPHQGDWLRQV $QJHOD (VWDWHœV DZDUG ZLQQLQJ 2013 Pinot Noir, Hazelfern Cellars’ 2014 Williamette Valley Pinot Noir, or Van Duzer Vineyards’ 2013 Homestead Block Pinot Noir. To cap the night off, order a bottle of bubbly from PersonalWine.com that you can have hand-engraved to commemorate the special occasion.
Messages With Meaning &DUGV DQG Ă€ RZHUV DUH ROG 9 'D\ VWDQGE\V EXW \RX FDQ DGG PRUH Ă€ DLU WR the tradition with mail from Punkpost, an app-based service (iOS and Android) that sends left-of-center greetings featuring wink-and-a-nod wishes; the Captain Kirk and Spock “I love you/I knowâ€? Star Trek/Star Wars mash-up print; full-on fruit trees from PlantOGram that can be planted outside for years of enjoyment; or a lusty little note written on a spud (yep, that kind), delivered to your beau’s door courtesy of MysteryPotato. Halfbaked? Absolutely.
Big Spoon + Little Spoon Bracelets Wear your sleeping proclivities on your sleeve with the impossibly cute Big Spoon/Little Spoon leather-wrap bracelets by Article 22. Made in Laos, the most heavily bombed country per capita in history, the bracelets feature detonated metal bomb scraps leftover from the Vietnam War in order to help clear the remaining 80 million active bombs that remain scattered around the country.
Same-Day Surprises Even the most committed procrastinators can aim Cupid’s arrow for the bulls-eye. App-based Spoil (iOS) aims to save the day for those who forgot to SLFN XS D JLIW ZLWK VDPH GD\ GHOLYHU\ RI À RZHUV balloons; booze; and tasty treats, like donuts, macaroons, cupcakes, and cookies.
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Designer Sex Toys Sex toys get the designer treatment from Luvoqa, which offers naughty sets of sensual playthings for men and women. Guys will shiver in ecstasy while wearing the Lelo Pino, a powerful vibrating ring, and lady-loving ladies will delight in the dual-vibrator We-Vibe Dreamy Desire Set. For even more convenience when doing the deed, check out nightstand-ready Pulse, an automatic dispenser that delivers warm lube with the wave of a hand.
Sexy Skivvies The best way to a man’s heart is through KLV VNLYYLHV ± DW OHDVW WKDW¶V KRZ ZH VHH LW anyway. Elevate his Valentine’s underwear game in striking red pique boxer briefs from Lacoste or get down and dirty from the getgo with Andrew Christian’s lip-print ‘Kiss Me’ jockstrap, available at the Jockstrap Shop. To set the bedroom mood, light the VL[ ZLFN KDQGPDGH VR\ 6D[RQ FDQGOH ± WKH VHD VDOW DQG KLELVFXV VFHQW LV OHJLW ± E\ Flashpoint Candle.
Original Grain Watches More than anything else, your better half would prefer the gift RI WLPH *LYH LW WKLV 9DOHQWLQH¶V ERWK ¿ JXUDWLYHO\ and literally with help from Original Grain watches. Available in men’s and women’s styles, these handsome pieces feature reclaimed wood and steel for a chic urbanPHHWV RXWGRRUV SUR¿ OH ,Q DGGLWLRQ HDFK ZDWFK VROG plants 10 trees for our planet.
Sugarwish Candygrams <RXU VXJDU¶V VZHHW WRRWK ZLOO EH VXI¿ FLHQWO\ VDWLV¿ HG ZLWK D JLIW from Sugarwish, an experiential choose-your-own candygram that allows recipients to customize their selections. A wide variety of popular and QRYHOW\ FDQGLHV DUH DYDLODEOH ± OLNH PLQL 6ZHGLVK ¿ VK %LW 2 +RQH\V FDQG\ QHFNODFHV 0 0¶V FDUDPHO FUHDPV DQG JXPPLHV JDORUH ± WKDW \RX can gift in 4 oz. bags of two to 16 or opt for a candy dish, complete with IRXU IXOO µ¿ OOV¶ RI WKHLU IDYRULWH FDQGLHV
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AVOID PROPOSING ON VALENTINE’S DAY HIGH-PRESSURE PROPOSALS CAN SPELL DISASTER JASON MCCLAIN
You’ve been working up the courage for PRQWKV WR SRS WKH ELJ TXHVWLRQ Âł:LOO you marry me?â€? Now that you’ve made the decision to forge ahead, you want the moment to be perfect. How about proposing on Valentine’s Day? What could be better, right? Wrong. According to my research, couples who were married on or within seven days of a major holiday made up 70% RI DOO RI GLYRUFH FDVHV Âż OHG ,Q VXFK LQVWDQFHV the individuals involved found themselves swept up in the emotion of the moment and made the mistake of marrying for the wrong reason. Since legal, same-sex marriages are still relatively new, most divorce statistics HLWKHU UHĂ€ HFW KHWHURVH[XDO FRXSOLQJV RU GRQÂśW differentiate at all. However, the limited research into same-sex divorce suggests that it is actually low in comparison with that of heterosexual counterparts. According to UCLA’s Williams Institute, approximately one percent of gay marriages dissolve each year, compared with two percent for different-sex couples. Still, the fact of the matter is that, sexual orientation aside, Valentine’s Day, as well as other major holidays, can put undue stress on any relationship. There will already be the general feeling of excitement and anticipation in the air. This can lead to trying to make the occasion extra-special by proposing—and giving your mate something he or she will never forget. Of course, they will tend to want to respond in kind. This is a bad move all around because the prevailing air of joy and love can create a “false positive.â€? That is, the overwhelmingly positive feelings of the day can create a VXEFRQVFLRXV FRQĂ€ LFW ZLWK WKH VHULRXVQHVV RI a major commitment like marriage. Unfortunately, reality eventually sets in. Couples who marry in the heat of the moment DOPRVW LQYDULDEO\ Âż QG WKHLU UHODWLRQVKLSV falling back to earth, when their heightened expectations fail to live up to their dreams. It might come as a surprise that many same-sex divorces occur within a year or so of the marriage. With the LGBT community
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having waited so long for same-sex marriage to be legally accepted in many areas of the United States, one might think that LGBT couples might hold marriage in higher regard, compared to the majority of heterosexual couples, and would show greater resolve to keep it going. It is important to understand the pressures that many members of the LGBT community may feel to get married. Since the community fought so hard to have samesex marriage legalized, some might feel they are obligated to tie the knot and show the world they do not take their rights lightly. There also appears to be gender correlation behind the prevalence of LGBT marriages and divorces. Earlier this year, the UK Ministry of Justice reported that for HYHU\ JD\ PDOH FRXSOH ZKR Âż OHV IRU D GLYRUFH petition, 3.2 female couples do so. The possible reasons? Generally, women tend to initiate divorce at a higher rate than men. Moreover, gay men tend to be older than their lesbian counterparts when they get married. There is strong evidence linking age to the divorce rate, with prevailing wisdom suggesting that individuals have a more clear idea of what they are seeking in a partner later in life, and thus are less likely to marry VRPHRQH ZKR ZRXOG QRW EH D JRRG Âż W It might also be suggested individuals tend to be less impulsive as they grow older—and avoid proposing on Valentine’s Day or other holidays, or otherwise making a big show of their relationship. While marriage should be fun and joyful, it should be approached seriously. That is why proposing on the stadium Jumbo Tron at a concert or sporting event is probably a terrible idea. The same goes for DVNLQJ \RXU VLJQLÂż FDQW RWKHU WR PDUU\ \RX LQ front of everybody at a family event. While it may be true that it trivializes the solemnity of the institution, more importantly, it puts your partner in an awkward and potentially embarrassing position. They may say “yesâ€? just to get through the moment. They may even go through with the wedding—but they may also wind up harbor lingering resentment that can have
FEBRUARY 2017
long-term repercussions in the relationship. Your partner probably doesn’t care if they wind up as the next YouTube sensation. Just remember that this is one of the most important and intimate moments in both of your lives and you should honor that. Valentine’s Day is a fantastic day and you should absolutely take advantage of it to have fun and shower the love of your life ZLWK À RZHUV FDQG\ URPDQWLF PXVLF DQG D candlelight dinner. If you feel strongly about your partner and are ready to take that next step, don’t let an arbitrary holiday or outside pressures dictate your actions when it comes to the decision to get married. The facts and statistics mentioned throughout this article are available to guide you—but most important of all, let your heart lead the way!
Jason McClain is the star of the Amazon Prime television series, Life Can Change with Jason McClain, a ground breaking inspirational talk show and motivational teaching series launched. He launched MyDivorcePapers.com 15 years ago after his own divorce. Since that time, his website has helped 500,000 expedite their divorces without the need of attorneys.
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ARTS John Cannon Studios 1108-C Woodland Street Nashville, TN 37206 615-496-1259 Johncannonart.com
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Cool Springs Internal Medicine & Pediatrics Bradley Bullock, MD 1607 Westgate Circle, Ste 200 Brentwood, TN 37027 615-376-8195
Nashville Repertory Theater 161 Rains Avenue Nashville, TN 37203 615-244-4878 Nashvillerep.org
Papa & Roberts, PLLC, Attorney and Consultants Benjamin Papa/ Attorney & Mediator 1612 Westgate Circle. Ste 220 Brentwood, TN 37027 615-767-5900 PapaRoberts.com
Nashville Pharmacy Services 100 Oaks Plaza 615-371-1210 Skyline Medical 615-724-0066 npspharmcay.com
Nashville Symphony Schermerhorn Symphony Center One Symphony Place Nashville, TN 37201 615-687-6400 nashvillesymphony.org
HEALTH Dental Services East Side Smiles 7 North 10th Street Nashville, TN 37206 615-227-2400 eastsidesmiles.net
Senior Center for the Arts/ The Larry Keeton Theatre 108 Donelson Pike Nashville, TN 37215 615-231-1231 www.thelarrykeetontheatre.org PROFESSIONAL SERVICES Sheila D Barnard, Realtor, THE REALTY ASSOCIATION 1305 Murfressboro Pike Nashville, TN 37217 615-385-9010 www.SheilaBarnard.RealtyAssociation.com %DUW 'XUKDP ,QMXU\ /DZ 2I¿FH 404 James Robertson Parkway Nashville, TN 37219 615-338-6177 bartdurham.com
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Individual & Couples Therapy John Waide,PhD,LCSW/ Barbara Sanders, LCSW 2323- 21st Ave South, Ste .401/ 2016- 21St Ave South Nashville, TN 37212 615-400-5911 / 615-414-2553 Family Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner Brandon Teeftaller, APN 1720 West End Ave, Ste 240 Nashville, TN 37203 615-320-1155 Chiropractic Services Christopher May DC 2933 Berry Hill Drive Nashville, TN 37204 615-220-0777
FEBRUARY 2017
SPIRITUALITY Covenant of the Cross 752 Madison Square Madison, TN 37115 615-612-5040 covenantofthecross.com BARS & NIGHTCLUBS PLAY Dance Bar 1519 Church Street Nashville, TN 37203 615-322-9627 playdancebar.com Tribe 1517 Church Street Nashville, TN 37203 615-329-2912 tribenashville.com ORGANIZATIONS Nashville Humane Association 213 Oceola Avenue Nashville, TN 37209 615-352-1010 nashvillehumane.org Nashville LGBT Chamber of Commerce P.O. Box 330971 Nashville, TN 37203 615-507-5185 nashvillelgbtchamber.org
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Wedding Announcement GAY CEREMONY OF THE YEAR? LOCAL COUPLE HOSTS LAVISH WEDDING
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O U T A N D A B O U T N A S H V I L L E .CO M
FEBRUARY 2017
PHOTOS: WILD RIVERS PHOTOGRAPHY
JAMES GRADY
Donte Noble and Elliott Holt, who is the CEO of medical information company MediCopy Services, recently married in what may be one of Nashville’s most lavish LGBT weddings to date (as you can see from their photos). 7KHLU FHUHPRQ\ ZDV D PDVVLYH SURGXFWLRQ ZLWK D VL[ Âż JXUH budget, including everything from a venue able to accommodate WKUHH GLVWLQFW WKHPHV LQ RQH HYHQLQJ WR Âż QH GHWDLOV OLNH D FXVWRP chandelier. Dinner was a multi-course affair. Their invitations were even modeled on vinyl records and mailed to guests in boxes. There was nothing ordinary about the event, but Noble and +ROWÂśV URPDQFH EHJDQ DV VR PDQ\ GR LQ WKH PRGHUQ HUD RQOLQH “Pretty much,â€? said Noble, “Elliot and I met on Facebook. We met through mutual friends—not anyone that either of us even know in real life—but he added me on Facebook I want to say it was January of 2015.â€? The two connected through the strangers we now call friends online, and developed a relationship through conversations facilitated by social media. “I want to say it was April that he sent PH WKH YHU\ Âż UVW PHVVDJH ´ 1REOH H[SODLQHG Âł7KDW FDUULHG LQWR May of 2015, with us going back and forth with conversation, then phone calls. Then I FaceTimed him, and we actually got to have a ... I guess a ‘miniature date conversation‌’â€? +ROW ZKR ZDV WUDYHOLQJ RQ EXVLQHVV LQ / $ RIIHUHG WR Ă€ \ WR New York, since Noble was living in New Jersey and working in New York City at the time. Up ‘til then, everything the two knew about one another was based on distant communication, but then the two met in person. “The rest is history pretty much,â€? Noble said. From that time forward, the two began to travel back and forth to meet each other regularly. “He has another place in Atlanta,â€? Noble added, “so I was like, ‘Okay, well I have a vacation coming XS , ZRXOGQÂśW PLQG FRPLQJ GRZQ WR $WODQWD Âś +H KDG Ă€ RZQ XS two or three times, and then I went down to Atlanta that summer, and then, after that, I came down again to go to Nashville for the 15th anniversary for his company.â€? After that trip to Nashville, Holt asked Noble if he’d consider relocating to Nashville. Noble had always told himself he’d never live in the South, but his visits, as well as his developing relationship, made him reconsider, and on August 28, 2015 he moved to join Holt. When Noble moved to Nashville, he knew he’d have to stay busy, and so he immediately began looking for something to do. One day, he was visiting Holt’s company, MediCopy, a health information management company that’s been in business for 17 years, and the organizations director of operations joked that he should come to work for them. “I was like, ‘Well I have nothing to do,’â€? Holt said, laughing, “and he’s like, “Really? Would you do it?â€? I said I couldn’t be off
work any longer and that I need to stay busy. He said, ‘If you’ll do it, we’ll get you in here next week.’â€? Holt said he cautioned Noble, worrying that some people might think he was just there because the two were a couple, but Noble came into the company with the attitude that he was there to work. “I didn’t want anyone looking at me as anything other than an employee,â€? Noble said. “And that’s exactly how it’s been. 6R ,ÂśYH EHHQ ZRUNLQJ WKHUH VLQFH ODVW \HDU , JR WR P\ RIÂżFH , JHW to work. I report to him like he’s my boss. I don’t want anyone giving me any like, leeway or whatever‌â€? In January 2016, the couple got engaged in Cape Hatteras. “It was scheduled as a birthday trip,â€? Noble said. “Little did I know that he was planning this huge engagement behind my back. Pretty much two days into the trip, we’re sitting on the beach and he’s proposing to me at a beach side dinner in a gazebo. There was a violin player! And I’m like, ‘Oh my God, how did you plan DOO WKLV"Âś ,ÂśP XVXDOO\ JRRG DW ÂżJXULQJ WKLV VWXII RXW $QG HYHU\RQH around us knew about it, which was even funnier.â€? 7KHLU ZHGGLQJ ZDV GHVLJQHG WR UHĂ€HFW WKH FRXSOH DQG WKHLU interests. “The Bridge Building seemed to be the most modern building that we liked,â€? Holt explained. “We liked the idea of having a rooftop wedding with the skyline in the background and having different places to go in the venue.â€? “We had the rooftop where the ceremony was at, then they
moved everyone to another outside tent for cocktail hour, and then inside the building for the dinner,â€? Holt explained. “While they ZHUH GRLQJ DOO WKDW WKH\ ZHUH Ă€LSSLQJ XSVWDLUV IURP EHLQJ VHW XS for the ceremony, which was all white, into a club atmosphere. They added this crazy chandelier that they specially made for us. And then the DJs and they had several bars up there, so it was pretty cool.â€? For music, the couple designed their own playlist for their DJ. “We put together about twenty hours of playlists,â€? Holt said, laughing, “because we didn’t want them doing like line dancing or other shit. So we decided to have it just to play our music.â€? Music and other touches allowed the couple to bring some deeply personal elements to the happy day. “Some of the songs we had in there were things that his mother would play back home on vinyl back in the day. Both of our mothers passed away last year—his just a couple months into us talking, and then mine just a couple months after he moved to Nashville—so we had to pay homage to both of them and we thought that was a cool way to do that... We also had empty seats for our parents.â€? Once the big production was over, the couple got to get away for a relaxing honeymoon in the islands, before returning to Nashville to turn the page and start the next chapter of their journey together.
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FEBRUARY 2017
JAMES GRADY
Modern technology has made the world a much smaller place. Airplanes, high-speed trains, and automobiles have all made humans more mobile and have changed the ways that we relate to distant people. Just a few hundred years ago, many people never traveled more than a few villages from home. The pool of marriage and sexual partners was relatively shallow. Now a person can wake up in Nashville and go to bed in Tokyo, with little more than a mid-air nap in between. The internet has brought the world even closer together. As is the case in so many markets, sex and love have been drivers of the internet since the beginning, with bulletin boards and email lists organized around helping people meet compatible partners (romantic, sexual, or otherwise) GHYHORSLQJ LQWR ZHEVLWHV DOORZLQJ XV WR Âż QG what we were looking for down the street or on the other side of the world. Now websites themselves have transitioned into, or developed companion, applications. Where once our options were bound narrowly by our locations, our browsing for options is no longer even FRQÂż QHG WR RXU GHVNV RU WLHG WR RXU PRGHPV We carry veritable marketplaces (Tinder, Chemistry.com, etc.) or plain old meat markets (Grindr, Scruff, Growlr, and so many more) in our pockets, armed with GPS tracking and instant message capabilities. From dating apps to “dating appsâ€? to straight-up hookup radars, this way of discovering and meeting people has reshaped our social landscape too. Many blame the decline of the gay bar and other traditional “cruising groundsâ€?—and a general devolution in social interactions within the LGBT community more generally, on the rise of the app. Sure this may be a classic overreaction, but it’s hard not to sympathize on some OHYHO ZLWK WKH FRPSODLQW \RX KHDU VR RIWHQ everyone at the bar, or party, had their noses buried in their phones. In addition to these complaints, one RIWHQ KHDUV RWKHU XQĂ€ DWWHULQJ FRPPHQWV circling around the apps and those who use them. Many apps—especially those explicitly for hooking up—are widely used but also widely viewed judgmentally (even, or often, by those who use them for just this purpose). Slut-shaming those who use the apps is a pastime that seems to run rampant
through social circles. “Did you know soand-so was on Grindr?â€? is a question that could signal excitement, but could just as easily get the gossip train rolling. Sure, we all know “what Grindr is forâ€? but that doesn’t mean it can’t be for anything else. It’s one thing to make fun of that guy who has “friends onlyâ€? or “not looking for VH[´ DV KLV SURÂż OH KHDGOLQH EXW ZKR QHYHU opens a conversation until he’s shared a dick and/or ass photo, usually unsolicited. That’s almost as easy as making fun of Mr. Don’tContact-Me-Without-A-Pic who both has no pic of his own but also demands one of you right off the bat (and since your face is LQ \RXU SURÂż OH ZH DOO NQRZ ZKDW KH IHHOV entitled to see anonymously). But I digress‌ It’s another thing altogether to make fun of, or dismiss, guys who authentically
that, when others realize how they met, it will delegitimize their relationships in the eyes of those who hear their stories. This month, I chatted with a couple of couples who found lasting love via social apps, and they got real, opening up about how those apps intersect with day-to-day life and overlap with other social spheres. Sure, ¿ QGLQJ ORYH RQ *ULQGU RU YLD )DFHERRN random hottie-friending, is a long shot, but LV LW DQ\ KDUGHU WKDQ ¿ QGLQJ 0U 5LJKW LQ WKH supermarket, where the difference between a black eye and a phone number might be the strength of your gaydar? 7KH ¿ UVW FRXSOH , VSRNH ZLWK PHW WKURXJK Grindr and wished to remain anonymous—I shall refer to them as Kyle and Dustin. Kyle is one of those guys who didn’t approach Grindr solely as a hookup tool.
claim to be looking for love or relationships or even friendship on the apps (even if they also happen to be open to fun where it can be found). There’s enough shame and stigma in the world without applying it to people looking to make some genuine human connections, even if they happen to be doing so in what may seem like the unlikeliest of places. A lot of couples who meet on social apps—from people who add Facebook friends because they share a lot of common DFTXDLQWDQFHV DQG ¿ QG WKH SHUVRQ DWWUDFWLYH to those who started off as no-stringsattached midnight bootie calls—sanitize their stories to avoid that stigma. Many fear
“I found the apps—mainly Grindr DQG 7LQGHU²DV ZD\V WR Âż QG ERWK IULHQGV and hookups when I moved to the area,â€? he explained. “I didn’t know that many people when I arrived in Nashville, and I have made some of my best friends through these apps.â€? Though not particularly a classic romantic, he also didn’t come in thinking KH FRXOGQÂśW Âż QG ORYH RQ WKH DSSV DV ZHOO Âł, don’t go scrounging around through people’s SURÂż OHV WDUJHWLQJ ORYH /RYH ZDV QHYHU D goal of using the app, but at the expense of sounding a bit banal, sometimes you never NQRZ ZKHUH \RXÂśOO Âż QG ORYH ´ “I really believe,â€? he added, “that where \RX DUH PRVW OLNHO\ WR VXFFHHG LQ Âż QGLQJ ORYH
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varies by person. Do you go out a lot and have a large social circle? Perhaps meeting people through friends or while out on the town will be best. Do you have bit more introverted personality and a much smallerknit social circle? Perhaps a combination of online dating and meeting people through your friends will work for you. It’s hard to VD\ IRU HYHU\RQH EXW IRU PH , Âż QG RQOLQH dating works well.â€? As an introvert and a tech-oriented person, Kyle liked the fact that using the apps allows you to take a “data driven and customizableâ€? approach to socializing. “You KDYH Âż OWHUV IRU ZKDW LQWHUHVWV \RX DQG WKHUH is no shortage of potential matches in the DUHD )RU PH WKH DSS DOORZHG PH WR Âż QG other people who had similar interests to my own.â€? The apps also have weaknesses, for those seeking more than a hookup, he SRLQWHG RXW Âł,WÂśV KDUG WR Âż W ZKR \RX DUH RQ a small page with a picture. The app gives you a snapshot of a person,â€? he explained, “and it’s up to you to decide if the person seems like someone you would be interested in spending time with or if they should be relegated to a ‘left swipe.’ It can feel very impersonal.â€? Despite this, he added, “I’ve met some pretty awesome people using the apps, LQFOXGLQJ P\ ZRQGHUIXO Âż DQFp 'XVWLQ , KDG XVHG WKH DSSV LQ KRSHV RI Âż QGLQJ SHRSOH WR befriend, but I didn’t realize what an integral role those people would play in my life.â€? Our cover couple, Sheldon Sinks and Ben Myrick have been together for a couple of years now, and they met on Grindr, kinda‌ They actually friended on Facebook before WKHLU Âż UVW GLUHFW ÂłURPDQWLF´ LQWHUDFWLRQV RQ Grindr, but took it back to Facebook before they met. Convoluted I know. “I just friended him because I thought he was cute. After we became friends on Facebook,â€? Sheldon said, “he used to hit me XS RQ *ULQGU 3OHQW\ RI WLPHV ÂŤ DW OLNH in the morning! Got to love those drunken, middle-of-the-night messages! I always turned him down‌â€? Neither was embarrassed by their story, or even how that part of it got started. “One of his friends, I didn’t know it was his friend,â€? Sheldon explained, “but we had hooked up, his friend and I. After I friended Ben, and sent him a message like, ‘Hey, what’s up?’ he asked this mutual ‘friend’ and was like, ‘Do you know who this guy who friended
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“I’ve met some pretty awesome people using the apps, including my wonderful fiancĂŠ, Dustin...
FEBRUARY 2017
...I had used the apps in hopes of finding people to befriend, but I didn’t realize what an integral role those people would play in my life.�
me is?’ And that guy was like, ‘Oh, yeah. You should get with him‌.’â€? “He actually said, ‘He’s a good lay,’â€? %HQ FODULÂż HG Âł$QG , VDLG Âľ2ND\ ,ÂśOO WU\ ϫ “And so that’s when I guess he started trying to hit me up on Grindr,â€? Sheldon continued. “And I was just like, ‘Eh, let’s keep it on Facebook!’â€? There was clearly interest going both directions, so we wondered whether Sheldon had turned Ben down because he was obviously “lookingâ€? for some late-night action. “Not because it was Grindr or any NLQG RI VWLJPDÂŤ ,W ZDV OLNH DQG , KDG WR EH DW ZRUN E\ ´ 6KHOGRQ FODULÂż HG Âł, KDG Grindr Extra and so I’d happen to leave the sound turned on and it would make a noise. I would look at it, and I’m like, ‘Oh my god, he’s messaging me this late?!â€? I’d be like, ‘No,’ or ‘I can’t.’â€? After being turned down a few times, Ben decided to friend Sheldon on Facebook. Some time after that, Sheldon noticed Ben had checked in on Facebook at the same gym, and messaged him. “I just sent him a message saying, ‘Hey, you’re at the Y! I’m at the Y too. What are you doing?’ He said something smooth like, ‘Working out.’ So I was like, ‘Maybe I’ll see you out on the Ă€ RRU Âś %\ WKH WLPH , ZDV GRQH DQG DVNHG KLP where he was, he replied that he was in the shower, so I just said, ‘Oh, okay‌’ And we didn’t meet there.â€? “I tell people something else,â€? Ben added with a laugh. “I say you tried hitting me up saying, ‘Hey, come meet me in the shower.â€? “I never said that,â€? Sheldon quickly FODULÂż HG Âł%XW VR ZH HQGHG XS PHHWLQJ XS later that night. He was like, ‘Come over and get tacos.’ And he eats all the tacos. And
he leaves me waiting for like three hours. Finally go over to his house, and he’s like, ‘Well, I’m in bed watching...’ What was it? Gay German Ballads?â€? “Ballets,â€? Ben interjected. “It was some 1HWĂ€ L[ WKLQJ DW WKH WLPH 7KH\ GLGQÂśW KDYH the best selection, so I thought, you know, it would be a good ice breaker maybe. I don’t know.â€? “It was a terrible icebreaker,â€? Sheldon said, returning to the fact that, “He was supposed to feed me dinner and he didn’t feed me dinner. But, and so we dated for ... Well, we talked for about a month and we started dating in December 2014.â€? Later, they discovered that the interest had been going on longer than either of them realized. Both men are in Hot Mess, and when Ben went back over some of his old photos he recognized a familiar face was in a lot of those shots. Âł$W RQH RI WKH Âż UVW JDPHV ´ %HQ VDLG Âł, decided, ‘Oh, I’m just gonna take a bunch of photos so that I can have these memories with my friends.’ And then about a month or two after we started dating, we were going through all these photos on my camera, and I realized‌ I thought, ‘Wow, I have so many pictures of Sheldon!’ And I’d never met him before. I just thought he was cute and ended up spending half of my camera roll on him!â€? When I mentioned that a lot of people I spoke to agreed that Facebook, especially with its people you may know, acts like a hookup app for some people, and supplements hookup apps for others, Sheldon and Ben agreed. “I think it’s more successful, too,â€? Ben agreed. “Because it doesn’t just show what you’re into, or here’s this one photo. It shows more of what you’re like in life, what you do
for a living, who you hang out with, what you do in your extracurricular activities.â€? Neither was inclined to try to sanitize their story, though, to make it a “we met on Facebookâ€? situation. Both had had VLJQLÂż FDQW UHODWLRQVKLSV GHYHORS RII RI Grindr before, and said they didn’t feel a lot of stigma around it personally. Both said they’d used other apps and websites in the past, including Scruff and Hornet, Manhunt and Adam4Adam, as well as others. “I dated a guy before I even moved here, and I met him off Grindr,â€? Sheldon said. “We only dated for eight months, and when I moved down here from Kentucky, we ended things. It didn’t really work out. There’s plenty of people that I know that have met off Grindr and they dated, but I do think if you’re gonna get on Grindr, it’s usually for fun, and if something more happens, LW KDSSHQV ,I LWÂśV LQ WKH PRUQLQJ DQG you’re messaging on Grindr, it’s pretty much what I’m thinking you’re wanting,â€? he added with a laugh at Ben. But over two years later, what began, DQG FRXOG KDYH HQGHG ZLWK D P bootie calls, has developed into a longterm relationship. The two have been living together for a year-and-a-half, and have a dog together. All thanks to Grindr and Facebook hottie chasing. So, maybe take a page from these intrepid couples and don’t be ashamed to take a browse, whether you’re looking for ORYH RU LWÂśV MXVW D P ²\RX QHYHU NQRZ ZKR RU ZKDW \RX PLJKW Âż QG <RX GRQÂśW KDYH to take the bait, but see what’s out there and ZKHWKHU LW PLJKW EH D JRRG Âż W IRU WKH VSDFH you have available—the space in your heart or just the empty other half of your bed.
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Scruff does have some downsides, KRZHYHU IHDWXUHV OLNH IXOO PHVVDJH KLVWRU\ With so many dating/social apps now DQG IXOO VHDUFK DQG Âż OWHU IXQFWLRQV DUH DYDLODEOH LW FDQ EH GLIÂż FXOW WR FKRRVH ZKLFK unavailable to users who do not pay for the one is best for you, so we here at O&AN are (expensive) upgraded version. here to help! We tested drove a selection of the many apps to provide a brief, and hopefully GROWLR: A self-proclaimed “Bear handy, guide to help you choose the best! Social Networkâ€? geared towards bears, bigger Many apps share certain common guys, and their admirers. One of the biggest IHDWXUHV VXFK DV ZD\V RI Âż OWHULQJ ZD\V advantages of the app is the multiple ways to mark favorites and to block others, and that it gives users to break the ice. The app has of course ways of messaging and showing pre-constructed quick phrases or “Growls,â€? interest. It’s the how, as well as unique and a “would you like to meet for‌â€? function features, that separates the apps. to help its shyer users out. Growlr also has a GRINDR: One of the most popular space on a user’s page to upload a private 30 male-oriented dating/social apps out there, second video that you can share with other DQG D JHQHUDO QRQ JURXS VSHFLÂż F DSS *ULQGU users at your discretion. Better at talking to people in person rather than online? Growlr focuses more on users in your area, so has you covered with its bar tab, which will chances are you won’t be getting messages show you the gay bars in your current area. from someone across the country. One of the most notable downsides to the app however HORNET: Another general, nonare the bots—fake users advertising or trying JURXS VSHFLÂż F DSS ZKLFK DOORZV \RX WR KDYH to lure folks off the site. While Grindr has PXOWLSOH SURÂż OH SLFWXUHV VR WKDW \RX FDQ VKRZ come a long way in removing them they are off all of your best angles! Hornet has a great still plaguing the app. “exploreâ€? function, which lets you change your location so that you can scope out the SCRUFF: Just like the name implies, users in an area you may be visiting soon. It this app is more geared towards scruffy/hairy also has a slightly different search function guys and their admirers. The app has a few IURP PRVW RI WKH RWKHU DSSV LQ DGGLWLRQ WR QRWDEOH IHDWXUHV WKH DELOLW\ WR VHQG D ÂłZRRIÂś being able to search by username you can also [a quick icebreaker to let someone know search by hashtag, so you can connect with you’re interested], to see who has viewed users who are #TeamTop or #TeamBottom. \RXU SURÂż OH DQG WR DGG OLQNV WR \RXU VRFLDO Lastly the app gives you a feed similar to media as well as game accounts (PlayStation )DFHERRN DIWHU \RX IDYRULWH RWKHU XVHUV WKHLU and Xbox ID’s only). The app also has a updates will show up in your feed. matching feature, and on the bottom of every SURÂż OH LV WKH RSWLRQ WR FKRRVH ZKHWKHU \RX ADAM4ADAM (A4A)/RADAR: The are interested or not. If you select that you are app of the old and popular website. What sets interested, and the other person has selected this app apart from all the others thus far is WKH VDPH IRU \RX \RX JHW D QRWLÂż FDWLRQ DQG that it is the only one that also has a website can start a conversation. WKDW \RX FDQ XVH DQG ZKHUH \RXU SURÂż OH Scruff has also implemented a new simultaneously appears. The app functions function to “reinvent gay travel,â€? which they DV D VLPSOLÂż HG YHUVLRQ RI WKH VLWH DQG V\QFV call “Ventures.â€? You select a city that you are your messages between the two. Unlike many going to be visiting, and it connects you with of the other apps, A4A/Radar are 100% free. local “ambassadors,â€? locals who know the It also has different message icons to let users city and have signed up to represent it. That know if the recipient of a message has read it way you can get great local advice on the city or not. Lastly you are able to add people as friends and sort them into lists. and gay culture there. SEAMUS O’REILLY
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FEBRUARY 2017
CRAIGSLIST (CL): 7KH SRSXODU RQOLQH FODVVL¿HG DG VLWH &/ LV the only site on our list right now that does not have an app. The website functions as a listing space for multiple purposes. You can post ads seeking platonic, romantic, or casual encounters, as an individual, couple RU LQ PXOWLSOH FRQ¿JXUDWLRQV WKHUHRI 2QFH VRPHRQH ¿QGV DQ DG WKH\ like, they use the Craigslist email to contact the poster. Neither the poster nor the one who contacts them will receive the other’s email address, as its all routed through CL (unless of course you send it to them in the PHVVDJH $QRWKHU EHQH¿W WR &/ LV WKDW LW LV QRW MXVW OLPLWHG WR PHQ LW LV RSHQ WR DQ\ DQG DOO FRQ¿JXUDWLRQV DQG JHQHUDOV PDNLQJ LW D JUHDW SODFH for bisexual and pansexual persons, as well as persons of all genders. JUST SHE: A chat app for lesbian and bisexual for women who are wanting to date. In the bio it asks for martial history, whether you have/wants kids, what your education level is, interests and religion. Each day you are also given daily matches in whom you can express or deny interest.
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PURPLED: An app for bisexual men and women, singles and couples. After you sign up it gives you potential matches that you can vote yay or nay on. If you both vote yay, then it will allow you to strike up a conversation. If you wish to just strike up a conversation with someone random, you’ll have to upgrade to the VIP version. This is a small selection of what’s out there: if you wish to share your experience of one of these apps, to tell a funny or compelling story related to these or any other apps, or to review an app not included here, contact jgrady@outandaboutnashville.com.
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PINK PANTY PULLDOWN PROMISES VALENTINES WEEKEND FUN MUSIC CITY SISTERS’ ICONIC UNDERWEAR AUCTION RETURNS CODY TRACEY
The Music City Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence invite you to come on down to Stirrup Nashville on February the 18th at 30 IRU WKHLU WK DQQXDO 3LQN 3DQW\ Pulldown! Pink Panty Pulldown is an annual underwear auction and fashion show originally started in 2011 by Sister Wendy Yugitov. Now in its 7th year, the event has become one of the Sisters’ most popular events. This year, the event is being headed by Novice Sister Payda Play, who says she “is honored the Music City Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence have allowed me to Point this year’s Pink Panty Pulldown as my Novice Project.â€? She also assured us that this will be the EHVW RQH \HW Âł7KLV \HDUÂśV HYHQW LV VKDSLQJ up very nicely. We will follow the usual format the community has come to know DQG ORYH EHHU EXVW -HOO 2 VKRWV and the live underwear auction. This year’s auction will feature Andrew Christian underwear, along with additional ‘grab bags.’ We will also be handing out 20% off coupons for one regular priced item at Pleasures Romance Boutique.â€? Each year the Sisters work to outdo themselves for this event, and 2017 is no different. They have expanded their list of sponsors this year to include Stirrup, Pleasures Romance Boutique, and Ron Sanford Productions, to name a few. As usual all of the proceeds from this IXQ ÂżOOHG QLJKW RI GHEDXFKHU\ JR WR WKH Music City Sisters’ Community Grant Fund. Monies from this fund are given to organizations within our community. Past recipients have included such organizations as Nashville CARES, The Oasis Center, Launchpad and countless others. Some come on out, support your local community and have some fun in the process!
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FEBRUARY 2017
PHOTOS: STEPHEN BLOODWORTH
@OUTANDABOUTNASH
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NASHVILLE LEATHER GROUP MARKS 35TH ANNIVERSARY ANNUAL RUN FEATURES MARDIS GRAS THEME
made donations to support Thanksgiving This year marks the 35th anniversary for meals sponsored by Nashville CARES for the Conductor’s Leather Levi Club, making its clients. But the Conductors aren’t all work and it one of Nashville’s longest-surviving no play! Every year they celebrate their gay social and service organizations. anniversary with their club’s ‘Run’. As Originally started in 1982 by a group of they put it “This is a chance for us to invite friends who shared a common interest our leather brothers and sisters to Nashville of leather and a passion for serving for a weekend of fun and fellowship. The the community. The group originally ÂżUVW DQQLYHUVDU\ ZHHNHQG ZDV LQ DQG supported various local charities such as was dubbed “Track I.â€? Now this year the the Second Harvest Food Bank, the Angel club is happy to announce Track XXXV, Tree programs, and organized food drives the weekend of March 17-19, 2017 with DW WKHLU ÂżUVW KRPH EDU 7KH &UD]\ &RZER\ the theme “Mardi Gras Nashville Styleâ€?— With the beginning of the AIDS crisis in truly a weekend unlike any other! Nashville, and the formation of Nashville Leather men and women from across CARES, the Conductors switched their the country will descend on Nashville for a main focus to focus fundraising efforts on weekend of entertainment and comradery. RIIHULQJ ÂżQDQFLDO DVVLVWDQFH WR FOLHQWV RI 6RPH RI WKH HYHQWV RI WKH ZHHNHQG LQFOXGH CARES. the Mid-America Conference of Clubs According to their website the meeting, cocktail parties, the Conductors Conductors “devised a form of emergency Run Show (featuring Conductors club support that is still being used today. Owing brothers, associates and other local groups), to the limited resources available solely The Freak and Fetish Fashion Show hosted from donations from the community, a by Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence at Trax, direct-assistance emergency need program and bar crawls to Stirrup, Trax, Tribe, was established with Nashville CARES to Play, and Canvas. serve their most severely impacted clients.â€? All food and drinks are included in the With this fund the group has assisted clients price of the run (except during bar crawls) with prescriptions, co-pays, eyeglasses, and transportation will be provided for any utility bills, home repair, rent, and has also events outside the host hotel. CODY TRACEY
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FEBRUARY 2017
PHOTOS: TERRY CHRISTIAN
@OUTANDABOUTNASH
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FEBRUARY 2017
OVER
the RAINBOW
JULIE CHASE
So, did any of us really expect this election catastrophe? I’m sorry...outcome. While a large majority of the American electorate were not exactly thrilled by the choices available in the general election, I suspect most of us felt that very few would really choose the candidate openly favoured by Vladimir Putin and friends. But a new generation of “Reagan Democratsâ€? voted for it and here we are. They want their version of working-class America back and it is doubtful that their fantasized nirvana includes The Tribe. Yes, I have thought of Germany circa 1932 also. “Scared people will vote for anybodyâ€? and all that. Let’s not go with this line of thinking for now. Even if we’re just comparing the political parts of our last election against “Weimar 1932,â€? and leaving out the blatant AntiSemitism that some of our adversaries may wish to emulate especially upon our Muslim friends, the circumstances for both outcomes are very different. America in 2017 may still be DQ HFRQRPLF PHVV EXW *RRJOH WKH GHÂżQLWLRQ for the word “dystopiaâ€? and you get “Weimar Germany.â€? Ok, I’m lying...but that should be the GHÂżQLWLRQ 6DYH IRU WKH DYDQW JDUGH PHGLD DQG a taste of lesbigay liberation, everyday life in Weimar Germany left a lot to be desired. Our circumstances really cannot be compared to back then, except for the almost similar reaction by elements of both societies to recent progress in homosexual rights. Yes, that does make me go “hmmmm‌â€? too, but...it’s still early. We are up against our own homemade brand of evil. There is no need to drag the *HUPDQV RU WKHLU KLVWRU\ LQWR RXU PHVV UHDG VWRS calling our own bigots “Nazis.â€?) The younger generations over there are not responsible for the Nazi crap of back then. When we bring these loaded terms up in relation to our own political situation, we often needlessly glorify the ultimate in murderous bigotry. One of the newer Jewish sayings to hit the planet is “Never hand ‘he who shall never be named’ any free victories.â€? Today’s Germans and those who came from that heritage deserve
a clean slate and our respect. When we label our nation’s mostly Caucasian bigots in this manner, we disrespect all from this heritage who stand with us either on the ground or in spirit. America’s “alt-right� neo-fascist wannabes and their more debonair spokespeople are very dangerous, but The Tribe knows how to defend herself and her allies when she has to. We need not gift our own thugs with these labels just quite yet.
The past few months have been a period of looking back and analyzing what went wrong. I suggest that it is now time to stop kicking RXUVHOYHV DQG ÂżQG D ZD\ WR ZLQ WKLV FXOWXUH war once and for all. Where better to start than asking local LBGTQI changemakers on the front line their views? Chris Sanders, Executive Director of the Tennessee Equality Project was startled by the election returns that evening. “I never thought Hillary Clinton could win Tennessee, but I did think she would pull through,â€? Chris said. “I ZDV YHU\ PXFK VXUSULVHG , NQHZ E\ WKH results were bad‌suddenly eight years of effort was now at risk.â€? Pastor Greg Bullard of The Covenant of the Cross Church was surprised too, but not especially shocked by the turn of events. “I knew there was a possibility,â€? Greg said. “I had thought through both (results) with my family.â€? Dr. Marisa Richmond, MTSU professor and noted transgender political activist probably WRRN WKH ORVV KDUGHVW Âł, ZDV RSWLPLVWLF JRLQJ into that evening,â€? Marisa said. “I came home IURP ZRUN H[FLWHG DERXW DZDLWLQJ WKH ÂżUVW results...it soon became clear that the election wasn’t going the way I expected. I had to skip the local Davidson County Democratic Party victory celebration as a result.â€? The result lead to ten days of depression, according to Marisa. It took the nomination of Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions for Attorney General to bring her back to the public arena. I asked the three what they individually see coming down the pike over the next year that may affect LGBTQI people here and elsewhere?
0U 6DQGHUV ZDV UHDG\ IRU WKDW TXHVWLRQ “I don’t know what precisely will be changed, but you can bet that moves will be attempted since President Trump’s election campaign had been advised by the ‘Family’ organizations and the Heritage Foundation,â€? Chris said. “The executive order concerning contractors has a good chance of being overturned. The Department of Education’s position on LGBTQI students could be reversed. Anti-discrimination rulings protecting transgender people in the workplace could EH UHYHUVHG ZLWK D UHVKXIĂ€LQJ RI WKH (TXDO Employment Opportunity Commission. We should also remember that Tennessee does not have state-level protections for LGBTQI people, and that’s not going to improve in this new environment. We’re not entirely certain what’s going to happen yet, but we’re pretty sure that many of those who backed the Trump campaign because of our legal victories will demand payback for that support.â€? What’s probably on the front burner? “Transgender rights are the most likely to be tinkered with,â€? Sanders said. “But the whole community is vulnerable right now,â€? he added. “If Senator Sessions becomes the new Attorney General, I can easily foresee scenarios in which LGBTQI-related cases go to court and do not get the Federal support we have seen from the Obama administration.â€?
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“The nightmare scenario I’m thinking of concerning Gay/Lesbian marriage would be President Trump appointing conservative Supreme Court Justices over time,â€? Sanders said. “A state then attempts to nullify gay/ lesbian marriages somehow, while the new Attorney General or newly conservativeleaning Supreme Court declines to intervene, seeing this as a state-level concern. We would SUREDEO\ ZLQ WKDW VSHFXODWLYH ÂżJKW LQ WKH ORQJ run, but our marriages would be put in legal limbo as it traveled through the courts.â€? In the state arena, the legislature went even further to the right, according to Sanders. “No progress in LGBTQI rights can currently be made in Tennessee...due to the current political composition of the state legislature,â€? he said. Register Dr. Richmond too as alarmed over what the state legislature may try soon. Âł:H DOUHDG\ KDYH VHHQ WKH ÂżUVW ELOO VXEPLWWHG a new counseling discrimination bill,â€? Marisa said. “There’s another bill in the State Senate coming that we’re still trying to wrap our heads around...it’s going to be a long year.â€? Pastor Bullard prefers to look at our current dilemma primarily through the lens of a person of faith who is shepherding a Christian community. “I reminded (my congregation) that we were a church,â€? he said about the election result. “I used examples of bad rulers from scripture and reminded them that our task was to be a light to the world and that had not FKDQJHG ´ +H FRQWLQXHG Âł, VWURQJO\ EHOLHYH that (our) Bible is true, we learn from it every day and we should use what we have been taught in response.â€? In reply to the original question, the pastor took what may seem a contrarian view at face YDOXH Âł0\ RSLQLRQ LV WKDW ZH DUH WRR ZRUULHG about the rollback of LGBTQI rights,â€? he said. “There will be attempts to limit our rights and force transgender people back into the closet, but even if they were to succeed in doing all that it just takes us back no further than the 1980’sâ€? Explaining his reasoning, he felt there were already different degrees of threat to the LGBTQI community. While we are facing some danger, he feels that the current threat and end-game scenario would most likely be of the same type that occurred during the recent Bush presidency. “I think there will be a short-term impact (currently), but it’s all been tried before and never succeeds,â€? said the pastor. “The response from most of those outside our community back then was a complete repudiation of what our opponents wanted to
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do. We took a step back in those days and then went three steps forward as a result. I think our community will come out for the better in the long run.â€? Considering the changed political climate, I asked Mr. Sanders if TEP had ever received help from the Republican side on local LGBTQI issues. “Fiscal Conservatives have (always) quietly reached out to us, and they can be very helpful,â€? he said. “For example, State Senator Steve Dickerson spoke against the counseling ELOO RQ WKH Ă€RRU RI WKH 6HQDWH ZKLOH *RYHUQRU Bill Haslam went to bat for us over the ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill. What we really need are (more) 5HSXEOLFDQ RIÂżFLDOV WR RSHQO\ VWHS XS WR WKH plate.â€? While not his brief, I also asked Sanders if he could foresee a scenario where either
President Trump or his appointees stay out of LGBTQI affairs. “President Trump may stay out of social politics and concentrate exclusively on economic matters,� he replied. “But you can bet the Republican-controlled Congress will not. Trump is the current standard bearer for social conservatives, which is odd considering many of the religious right leaders do not like him. Their ground troops, on the other hand, like him alot and he may have to attempt to please them. Vice President Pence (on the other hand) is very much liked by most on the Religious Right and he is no friend of our community.�
FEBRUARY 2017
The bottom line? “It’s going to be a long four years.â€? Since we were in the political zone, I asked Dr. Richmond, “While tough for both of us to contemplate, do you feel the recent progress in transgender rights over the past few years may have cost the Democrats this election?â€? “No. They voted against all of us in the LGBTQI community,â€? she replied thoughtfully DQG ÂżUPO\ Âł7KHUH LV ORWV RI WUDQVSKRELD RXW there, but bigots are bigots. They really don’t pick and choose who to hate more. They acted against all of us.â€? This led me to ask Richmond, who grew up during the original Civil Rights movement, whether she could see similarities between RXU ÂżJKW SDVW DQG SUHVHQW DQG WKH VWUXJJOH RI African-Americans for full freedom. “I do see parallels, but our community has unique challenges,â€? she replied...while adding a friendly caveat. “The discriminations experienced by both communities are different in nature and our community needs to be careful with comparisons and especially by what we say... You really do not hear African-Americans in the LGBTQI community making (direct) comparisons or assuming our community’s problems are just like theirs. These are two different battles, but lessons can be applied from the original Civil Rights movement and respectful working friendships can be made.â€? I asked all three what steps their organizations were taking and what the community could do to help. “Come to the meetings!â€? was Dr. Richmond’s spirited reply. Working with the National Center for Transgender Equality and our local Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition, she explained that most community organizations were attempting to look ahead and are still early in the planning process. But we can safely bet they would be very aggressive in defense of LGBTQI freedom. “Those who oppose LGBTQI rights are coming after us now, especially the transgender community,â€? she said. “We plan to keep a close ZDWFK RQ HYHQWV DQG ÂżJKW EDFN ´ TEP’s Chris Sanders went further. “The LGBTQI community has been thrown back upon themselves for mutual support...we now need to openly come out in support of our community in greater numbers than ever before,â€? he answered. TEP has been quite successful in countering harmful state legislation, rallying clergy of multiple faiths to our side and forming new county committees, Chris acknowledged.
But any progress our community has made can now be touched in this politically-shifted environment. “We have to rescue ourselves from this turn of political events, I’m afraid. We have far more allies now, but that took a lot of work and was developed in a more politically friendly era. We have had a taste of IUHHGRP DQG OHJDO ULJKWV 1RZ ZH QHHG WR Âż JKW WR PDLQWDLQ ZDV KDV EHHQ achieved and lay down a strategy to continue forward.â€? Pastor Bullard reminded me that his church and congregants have been rising to the challenge of serving the LGBTQI community and beyond in multiple ways for some time now, and they do not plan to change that no matter who’s president. But he did have a special request for all in our community. “Please do not ever lose hope,â€? he said. “The loss we feel as LGBTQI people due to the election is understandable. But it is the people who do the everyday things in this country that make the real difference, not whomever is currently sitting in the White House. How you respond and share as individuals is what will truly make a difference in the future to come.â€?
Miranda’s
ADULT STORES
Julie Chase is the pen name for a local 40-something trans woman. A graduate of The University of the South at Sewanee, VKH ORYHV EXWWHUĂ€ LHV VWURQJ ZRPHQ DQG WKH $XVWULDQ 6FKRRO RI Economics.
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THE VALENTINES EDITION: PAIGE TURNER | @PaigeTurner01
Holy untucked, is this month’s column gonna get real! I decided to do something a bit different in this month’s issue, and touch base on some things that I feel all of us queens have dealt with on at least one occasion. Those of you who don’t know me personally probably don’t know that I was in a committed relationship for the past ten years. We mutually decided to go our separate ways late last year, of course still staying friends and remaining on good terms. So now I am back in the dating game after battling an alcohol addiction and working through other issues, including the struggle of not having my other KDOI IRU WKH ¿ UVW WLPH LQ D GHFDGH After a lot of soul searching and a lot of A.A. meetings, I decided maybe I should try to date again. It’s not easy to make such a big change overnight though. Now I am on the Tinder, and all those other dating apps, and the VWUXJJOH LV UHDO , NQRZ ,œP QRW JRLQJ WR ¿ QG love on Grindr, but, oh well, I have that too. Hell, it’s been a long time so what could a little fun hurt while I’m looking. The thing I run into a lot is most guys don’t want to date a drag queen. They somehow are wired to think that we, as queens, want to be a woman because we dress in drag. Well, let me clarify for those of you who may think this way—we do not, in fact, want to be women (or most of us don’t anyway). Sure, there may be some girls here and there that do decide to transition, however they are transgender. Most queens gender identify as male and have zero interest in transitioning. It’s like playing a character in a movie or a play. It’s a personality created from our minds, not how we feel on the inside. Another prob I run into is they want me to KHOS WKHP GR GUDJ 7KLV LV ¿ QH ZLWK PH EXW ,
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also don’t want to be used or toyed with just so you can learn to do drag or because you think knowing me will in some way amp up a career for you. Doing drag takes dedication; you have to mold your craft. Knowing a popular drag queen in town is not really going to help. So you guys should just be honest and ask that queen for KHOS GR QRW IDOVHO\ SXUVXH D UHODWLRQVKLS ,WÂśV pretty f***ed up to play with someone’s heart and emotions. Then you get those guys that strictly want you because you are a “cross dresser.â€? Ok, sure, I can be playful and dress up for my man if he is into that, but some of them want you like that all the time. Yea sure we have all probably taken a boy home from the bar and had sex in face, but I personally don’t wanna wear that all the time. These guys most of the time even identify as EHLQJ VWUDLJKW \HDK RND\ It also, for me anyway, seems like they don’t want me. They want Paige. Yes, I am Paige too, but I am also Darrell, and I was long before Paige came into the picture. It almost causes you to have identity issues, which can be a real struggle. It almost makes you feel like everyone likes her more than the real you. I am new to all this dating stuff as a queen because I was taken when I started doing drag. I have always heard other queens talk about having these problems dating but didn’t experience it myself until recently. I’ve had a few good experiences lately with some of the guys, and surprisingly some don’t even care that I do drag. Unfortunately that is not the case with most of the guys, at least the ones I am attracted WR , DOZD\V Âż QG P\VHOI KDYLQJ WR KLGH ZLJV shoes and such before they come over. I have thought maybe that’s part of the problem though. Maybe I need to pick better guys and
FEBRUARY 2017
not ones that are so hung up on whether I’m a drag queen or not. I do get that some guys just aren’t attracted to “femmeâ€? guys—and that’s cool and all—but it seems even the ones who are want nothing to GR ZLWK D GUDJ TXHHQ , OLNH EHLQJ 3DLJH VKH KDV become a huge part of who I am. I used to be that shy, weird little gay boy everyone wanted to avoid, but being a drag queen has completely helped shape my personality. Now I will talk to anybody, and who knew, the weird gay kid is actually pretty funny. I guess what I am trying to do here is talk about it and bring it to light. Maybe one of these guys will have a different outlook after reading this, but they probably won’t. With all the big changes going on in the world, I think it would be better to focus on who we are as people and actually give us a chance. Who knows you might just catch yourself falling in love with a drag queen! I have also taken the time to quiz some of WKHVH JX\V DQG Âż QG RXW WKHLU UHDVRQLQJ EHKLQG QRW ZDQWLQJ D 4XHHQ TYPE 1 (The just-not-attracted-toqueens type): Q: So what is it about drag queens that makes you so unattracted? A: I don’t want to date a girl, I want a man. Q: What about doing drag exactly makes a queen “not a manâ€?? A: Because they prance around dressed in women’s clothes and makeup. It’s just not something I am into. I’m sure some guys are, just not me. Q: Do you go to or enjoy drag shows? A: Yes, but I don’t want to date them. TYPE 2 (The help-me-do-drag type): Q: Why do you think it is ok to pretend to be romantic interested when you really just want help doing drag? A: +RQHVWO\ , GRQÂśW O NQRZ , JXHVV , WKRXJKW LW was an easier way to get into it. I am attracted to you, but I really just wanna be a drag queen. Q: Why would you not just be honest from the start instead of playing a game. Couldn’t you just ask for help? A: I guess so‌ I honestly just always thought queens were mean, so I was scared to just ask one for help with drag.
The thing I run into a lot is most guys don't want to date a drag queen. They somehow are wired to think that we, as queens, want to be a woman because we dress in drag. TYPE 3 (the chaser type): Q: So what is it that makes you attracted to drag queens? A: I like the fact they look like women. I love the makeup, the hair, and WKH VH[\ RXW¿ WV , DOVR ORYH WKH IDFW WKH\ FRPH ZLWK VRPHWKLQJ H[WUD LI \RX know what I mean.
Your place or mine?
Q: Do you consider yourself gay, bisexual, or questioning? A: No, I am straight, I’m just interested in it. I see them as if they are real women. So, no, I am a straight guy who just has a few fetishes. Q: Do you do this with queens often? A: I only have a few times, but I liked it. It doesn’t mean that I am gay though. I am just into different stuff. Tons of people are into different stuff. Q: So you probably wouldn’t want people to know? Or be seen with them? A: 'H¿ QLWHO\ QRW 7R PH LW¶V QR RQH¶V EXVLQHVV ZKR LV GRLQJ ZKDW LQ WKH bedroom.
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Snarkology:Who Sent You Those Flowers? DISCLAIMER: Amy Sulam is a comic, and not everyone thinks she’s as funny as she does. We condone nothing she says, particularly not if you decide to take the following seriously. It should not be taken as such.
AMY SULAM | @Amysulam
Ugh. It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s also black history month, though, which is pretty cool‌ After Trump’s inauguration, I’m not feeling much love for anyone, though. I decided this month to take a look at romance and dating. We go through these mating rituals where we send our representatives to dinner and coffee with other people’s representatives in hopes that love will be found. Let me just go ahead and ruin that for you. The idea of romantic love—at least the way we see it—has only been around for a few hundred years. The word soulmate didn’t exist as we know it until about 200 years ago. It showed up in a poem. Can you imagine taking a hallmark card from today and using it as the standard by which we gauge relationships in the future? That’s basically what happened with soul mates. See, a long ago, marriage was mostly about property, land, and heirs. It wasn’t until after Queen Victoria’s wedding that the idea of marriage for love and modern ideas of romance really entered the mainstream. In fact the idea that ORYH ZDV D Ă€ HHWLQJ IHHOLQJ DQG KDG QR EXVLQHVV LQ a marriage was quite common. 6FLHQWLÂż FDOO\ VSHDNLQJ WKH URPDQWLF ORYH we feel for another person only lasts at maximum three years. After that the connection we have ZLWK RXU VLJQLÂż FDQW RWKHU LV EDVHG RQ VKDUHG experience, common goals, and values. In other words, no one is going to feel like this forever. Robert Frost wrote that, “Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desiredâ€?— which to me means we want someone to fall in love with us to make us feel better about us. It’s great to have someone be interested in us! Wow! What a feeling! Unless they’re a stalker. How often do we reciprocate? It seems to me like we put it all out on the line and for what? We could just love ourselves DQG VHQG RXUVHOYHV Ă€ RZHUV" ,ÂśP QRW DERYH VHQGLQJ Ă€ RZHUV WR P\VHOI IURP P\ YLEUDWRU I would also secretly take pleasure in telling FRZRUNHUV ZKR WKH Ă€ RZHUV ZHUH IURP EHFDXVH
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I’m a walking HR nightmare. I’m also still holding out for someone to send me an animal heart with a nail through it. We shall see if my dreams ever come true. Valentine’s Day is just another Hallmark holiday made to make single people feel bad. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, I will totally guilt my partner into buying me crap. I will return the favor by giving them some poorly thought out gift because I’m totally self-involved. My gifts are more like, “Here’s something I spent very little money on and put even less time into you. But you have me! Congrats!â€? This is probably why I don’t do relationships well. , Âż QG LW RGG WKDW ZH KDYH FKDULWLHV WKDW will buy gifts for children on Christmas who wouldn’t otherwise get them, but we don’t have charities that buy gifts for loser adults on Valentine’s Day. I’d both donate to and use that. Could you imagine setting up a bucket in front of Walmart and ringing a bell to collect change for the single on Valentine’s Day? I almost feel like we might get more money just ringing the bell and yelling, “Help adults be less suicidal on Valentine’s Day!â€? I think I might be on to something. I feel like society puts pressure on us to have D Âł9DOHQWLQH ´ 9DOHQWLQHÂśV 'D\ LV ZHLUG DQ\ZD\ it’s like, “Thanks for standing in for porn and my sex toy drawer most of the time, so here’s some stuff.â€? If you’re single for this holiday, let me assure you, the problem is other people. I know some fantastic people who are habitually single. Every year they do the woe is me Valentine’s dance. I scratch my head wondering why these people are single. And further more why they are comparing themselves to people who aren’t. Look, nobody gets a medal for settling. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves for a lot RI KROLGD\V Âł,W KDV WR EH VSHFLDO LWÂśV &KULVWPDV´ or “It has to be perfect, it’s Valentine’s Day.â€? But it doesn’t have to be anything. Be a good SDUWQHU \HDU DURXQG WKDW ZD\ LI HYHU\WKLQJ JRHV
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to s**t on a holiday you’re covered. You’ve put in relationship equity, you don’t need to do more. And really what’s so special about 9DOHQWLQHœV 'D\" <RX JHW À RZHUV" 7KH\ GLH Stuffed animal? Where’s that gonna go? You’re an adult. Candy? Cool. You regret eating it later. A massage? Okay. Buy that for yourself. In fact buy all that stuff for yourself if you really want it. Last year, on Valentine’s Day, the psycho who went through my phone and got mad because I dated people before them almost ruined Valentine’s Day. Except, I have I best friend. I had decided I was seeing Deadpool come hell or high water, and that’s what we did. I’m not gonna sit around and mope. 7KLV \HDU P\ VLJQL¿ FDQW RWKHU LV DZD\ during Valentine’s Day, so I’m gonna do something with my kids. And by do something I mean I’m going to make them go out with me to a place I pick whether they like it or not. You know, to prepare them for what dating is like. Look, modern ideas of romance have us spending money left and right or searching GDWLQJ SUR¿ OHV HQGOHVVO\ ORRNLQJ IRU WKH RQH You want your self-esteem to take a gut punch? Scroll through Instagram, Tinder, or literally any social media. We’re holding ourselves to insane standards and posting pictures of stretched truths to compete. %H VHO¿ VK RQ 9DOHQWLQHœV 'D\ 6HQG yourself gifts, bang an ex , eat your body weight in fondu or Whitman’s Samplers. Who cares?! Being single doesn’t diminish your value. And romance is a modern invention. After Queen Victoria’s wedding, the advent of the modern wedding planning industry started (basically to encourage poor people to marry like the wealthy), and this is what ushered in the modern day takes on romance. Valentine’s Day is just another trick to perpetuate the myth of romance that sells the junk they peddle. Sorry, but romance is just a really good marketing ploy. Have a happy Valentine’s Day! I’m nearly certain my butt plug LV VHQGLQJ PH À RZHUV DW ZRUN
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Shake it up.
Stir it up.
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FourRosesBourbon.com
FEBRUARY 2017
Be mellow. Be responsible.