Front Porch Magazine by Digital Publisher

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About the Cover From Us to You Finding Your Joy Home Sweet Log Home From Concept to Creation Spotlight on Burleson County Professional Directory The Doll & The Rose You Don’t Even Need A Passport Boost Your Brain Power Mickey Mouse Club Dirt Roads Seize Your History YOLO A Man Among Men The Generous One Story of the Praying Hands A Couple in Texas Dentistry with Family in Mind Carpe Diem - Seize the Day Fall Recipe Do’s & Don’ts for Your Pet ‘Twas the Time Santa Lost Weight Adventures with Baby Doll Not Just Patience A Sparkling Good Deal Heaven or Hell Taking Back Today Stop Your Quacking Family Favorites Are Energy Drinks Appropriate Papa’s Plump Pungent Possum It’s A God Thing Asset Allocation: Keeping Your Balance The Tattooed Stranger The Art Auction Talking to Your Doctor The Elephants Knew High Blood Pressure Are Apps Safe For My Child? The Past

This is dedicated to so many who face new beginnings today and everyday, like our friend Amy Maloney, who one month before her wedding to Kris Kocurek was diagnosed with breast cancer. We are now in the fight with Amy! To Dr. Joe Smith who participated in many new beginnings by delivering babies to many families in Burleson County for years. Those of you facing new beginnings know who you are and how you have and continue to influence others. If this speaks to you or reminds you of someone with a new beginning that inspires you, share your thoughts with them. It’s what keeps the river flowing forward. Enjoy the journey!

As I write this I am sitting on a patio in Gruene, Texas overlooking the Guadalupe River. Where this morning as I sipped my Texas Pecan coffee there was an urgency to get my computer and begin this story. Inspired this morning by the sound of the river flowing fiercely over the rocks from the last few days of rain, it hit me. The river begins new every day as the water moves like time so does the water. As we grow and live in time our lives begin again regularly with even minor changes. Much less the evolution needed for big changes in life that create vivid new questions or concerns. We just have to be inspired and encouraged by the right sources to look forward to the new beginnings versus an anxiety of them. Recently I received a note from someone who read one of the stories I wrote in this magazine she said, “they are so inspiring and the timing always seems perfect for my life.” Wow, that was a bit more responsibility than I was willing to accept or take on for a simple story about a themed issue. What I have come to realize with my writing and speaking business (even our dental practice) is that as long as it is not about me…He will provide the words and messages needed for the audience at hand. It is as if the materials or message may be the same but the stories and reality that may be used at any moment are never the same. I have started this story four times only to be road blocked

by my own “intentions and expectations” of this, His work. So it is now with a clear head and His hands on the keyboard that the story takes life, Enjoy! What constitutes new beginnings more than a new life itself? Are you aware that just over 4 million babies are born in the US each year? If you have children, grandchildren or have lived in the house with a new child you know that these new beginnings are overwhelming at times. Even the dog knows that something is new. Now all the attentions are moved to the one who requires responsiveness to have even the slightest actions; eating, sleeping, bathing and clothing require the assistance of others. No more, “I” language is an option, now it is “we” forever, changed with this new life or new beginnings in your lives. Once you have a new child on your radar, it is as though babies are everywhere, right? Did you know that about 1500 Americans are diagnosed with some form of cancer every day in our country? Do you think that in that moment there is a new beginning for this person, family and support group. Yes there is, I know first-hand that it is in that moment that your “paradigm” shifts and you see cancer in a more prominent manner, it’s seems as though it is everywhere. The same thing happens when a loved one is diagnosed with any disease or condition regardless of whether you have heard of it before or not. As a matter of fact, it is in these moments that bonds are formed, awareness is made, new beginnings are evident in the actions taken following. The previous thoughts are now absent at least for a while. New beginnings are essential for bringing us through challenging, perplexing even thoughtprovoking times in our lives. New beginnings often require an attitude that may be a stretch at

times. Perhaps an attitude of gratitude for being the chosen one to receive this challenged child who God has placed very deliberately in your family for His reasons not yours. An attitude of gratitude that you are the one chosen to show others what courage looks like when a diagnosis is not what was on your agenda for this year’s events. It is always interesting to watch what happens to others when they are challenged with life events and how age, values, faith and background play a role as does the attitude they chose when facing life happenings. If the attitude of “me” versus “He” goes into the equation it isn’t usually as pleasant for anyone involved. The “me” attitude in life generally doesn’t feel comfortable being weak, vulnerable or open to prosecution even rejection in some instances. Think back and what have you see others do when faced with a tough choice. What did you observe? What was the outcome for this person? Have you been able to see how it could have been different? The greater question is, have they been able to see how things could have been different? This past year has been a new beginning for our family in many

ways. The start of a new practice, new school for our son, new business for one daughter, new child for one daughter, new time for another daughter as all 3 children went to school daily. Many new beginnings and we all share a common thought or even question; how can we make this about His will, not mine? Each of us in our own new beginning has had to check our attitude about the changes at hand. We are a family of faith who believes His will, will be done. Not any of us is perfect, all are just uniquely chosen for the place we find ourselves. Starting over in a new location at our age was clearly an answer to prayers. Just not the answer we thought we were praying for. We really wanted to work together again. The opportunity to

use the very skills I travel and share and those techniques my husband has worked hard to hone in our own environment to serve others. Inspired by several life events the logical thing to do was not what presented itself in great clarity. The Lord doesn’t work that way in our lives. One thing might seem most comfortable and least change is required but for great rewards, great challenges are inevitable. His plans don’t come with a disclaimer or a boundary that can’t be broken with His grace. You just have to be willing to believe it’s about Him and not you to achieve the result that is His, not yours. Never really understanding how we are lead to do some of the things we do that require new beginnings is what Faith is really all about. Even as recently as a conference call yesterday with a new trusted ally, Chuck and I know He is in control and has put the people and plan in place the way He has chosen. Trusting His plan for the Continued on Page 47 JoAn Majors is a professional speaker and published author. Her articles have appeared in over 25 national and international magazines and newsletters. She writes articles regularly for many magazines. She is a devoted wife, mother and grandmother who also supports in the marketing efforts for her husband, Dr. Chuck Majors at MajorSmiles.com. You can learn more at www. joanmajors.com or call 1.866.51.CHOICE.

MajorSanctuary The home of Chuck and JoAn Majors is the place to be for their grown and growing family. The couple describes their home as their sanctuary; there they enjoy their home life with son JC, who is a sophomore at Mumford High School. However, their home and outdoors are frequently enjoyed on holidays as well as ordinary days by their three grown girls’ families, as well as other extended family members. The history of the Majors home dates back to 1980 when Carl Herrmann purchased the property to build on. In 1982, Jeff Chapman/Woodson Lumber Company completed the construction of their home, which was one of the very first houses they built. Carl and Leslie lived in the home till the early ‘90s when they sold to Management from ZIA Corporation. Stephen and Jan Kyles were the third owners of the house. Then Chuck and JoAn purchased the home from them in 1998 for their large, growing family. That was just after Dr. Chuck had purchased the dental practice in Caldwell. In 2004, Jeff Chap-

man was hired to add needed space to their home. And around 2011, the outdoor area was built. This is where they spend most of their time this time of year. They love Burleson County! The Majors’ three girls are Kelli (Majors) Houston married to husband Matt; Katy (Majors) Williamson married to husband Joe; and Stacy (Majors) Davis married to husband Chad. These six bring much joy and involvement to Chuck and JoAn, as do their four grandchildren, Kayd, Garrison, and Archer Houston, and baby Zack Williamson. Dr. Chuck recently opened MajorSmiles.com following the purchase of a practice from Dr. Stephen J. O’Neal. This fourth (and final) practice he has opened is located in Bryan in a medical/dental location that allows him to do more of the types of procedures he has trained and worked hard to master. Readers of the Front Porch Magazine probably recognize JoAn’s name from her articles they’ve enjoyed. She’s been contributing her wit, wisdom, and insight for some five years now.

rom us to you

Editors Note Dear Readers,

s winter reluctantly lets go of its cold, icy ways, many of us are eager for spring, for warmer days, and the differences that come with the change. This edition weâ€™ve chosen the theme New Beginnings. We feel youâ€™ll enjoy the stories and relate to the ideas of beginning anew as you read articles of beginning fresh in your personal life, in your faith, or even in your garden. We appreciate your continued support of the Front Porch Magazine. It is much work but is always a labor of love for us. Our hope is that each edition is better in some ways, that each edition has merit and worth to you, dear readers. Thank you for taking your time to read and hopefully laugh or shed a tear, or learn something that will help make you a better person than before you read.

Sincerely Sandi Balcar, Publisher Scarlette Taylor, Editor and Advertising Manager If one

DREAM should fall apart and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick up one of those pieces and

BEGIN AGAIN

potlight on

Burleson County’s

Unique Heritage

People in all walks of life influence those around them. In this column, we will be featuring those who have made an impact in our small towns.

Dr. Joe C. Smith Never Ending Contributor One man who has made contributions of note to Caldwell and Burleson County is Dr. Joseph Carlyle Smith, born February 6, 1921, in Memphis, Tennessee, the 4th of five sons of Baptist minister Bunyan Smith and Amy Agnes Anderson. Joe graduated from Hume Fogg High School in Nashville in 1940 and enrolled in Baylor University in Waco, Texas. Mollie Dee Sewell grew up in Blooming Grove, Navarro County, Texas, first of 3 children born to Thomas Monette Sewell and Beulah Griffis Sewel. After graduating in 1941, she, too, went to Baylor where she met Joe in a campus dining room where they both were working. Before Joe graduated from Baylor, WWII broke out. He enlisted in the US Marine Corp, serving in the infantry. He and Mollie married September 1, 1944, In Arlington, Virginia, before he shipped out for two years. A lieutenant in the Pacific Theatre, he fought on Okinawa where he survived a bullet in his chin, while the soldier right next to him was killed. He received a Purple Heart. He later received recognition for service in China, for assisting in the Japanese repatriation process. He was a true war hero, one of his contributions to us and his country. Mollie Smith, became quite an accomplished lady, graduating from Baylor with 3 majors in 1944. She taught high school business education in Mesquite, Texas while Joe was overseas. After service, the couple moved to Waco and Joe finished his degree. While

there Karen Lynn was born in 1946. After college graduation, Joe enrolled in Baylor Medical School in Houston, and finished his medical degree in 1951. He said he got both degrees thanks to the GI Bill. Dr. Smith interned at Brooke General Hospital in San Antonio. There Susan Monette was born. The Smith family transferred to Ft. Hood in Killeen, TX, where he completed his tour of duty in orthopedics at Darnell Hospital. The Dr. Smith opened his practice in Caldwell in 1952. The early years of his 40 year practice, he was a country doctor making house calls and seeing hundreds of patients weekly in the offices he shared with Dr. G. D. Railsback, behind Corner Drug Store on Echols Street. With no hospital in Caldwell, patients had to go to surrounding hospitals for care. Because of this, third girl Donna Gayl was born in Cameron in 1954. Dr. Smith was instrumental in community fund raising to get a hospital in Caldwell. The dream and hard work culminated in the opening of Thomas L. Goodnight Memorial Hospital, built across the street from the Smith home, making it easy to be in the ER in seconds. More study in OBGYN at Santa Rosa Hospital in San Antonio, and Mollie teaching high school business occurred 1956-57.. The birth of their fourth child Joe Griffis came in 1958 at Goodnight Memorial. Dr. Smith built his own clinic on Highway 21 W, just down the street from

the hospital. He donated his old clinic to Caldwell to be used as a library; Harrie P. Woodson Library still serves the citizens of Caldwell and Burleson County. More contributions for us; this time in the health and well being of Caldwell and area individuals. Thanks, Dr. The stress of the demands on Dr. Smithled him to seek outside interests in those days of being doctor to so many. He took up photography, and then abstract painting, made jewelry and furniture for a brief time. But his artistic passion seems to have been his sculptures, which he began creating some 50 years ago. He said when being interviewed for the Austin Chronicle, “To be a good artist you have to have a good philosophy developed by human interaction. The work should say something.” He also said that he is a “constructionist,” because he uses whatever materials are available. Many of his works are displayed at his home on the corner of Hwy 21 West and North Stone Street. He hosts many groups, as well as unexpected guests who stop to admire his works. Many of his sculptures are also located around Caldwell, as well as in the Bryan-College Station area. When interviewed recently,

Cont’d on Page 65

professional directory Air Conditioning-Installation & Repair Reliant Mechanical Weaver’s Refrigeration Automobile Parts-Supplies-Repairs Burleson County Motor Supply dBm Auto Repair Groce’s Shell Kwik Kar Wilde Auto Plus Automobile Sales-Detail Caldwell Country Banks Citizens State Bank BarBQ Matus BarBQ Beauty Salon Cindy’s Hair Salon Bed & Breakfast Rocking H Bed & Breakfast Burleson County Events Fair Association Burleson County History Burleson Co. Historical Society Chemicals Project Chemicals Churches Church of Christ First Baptist City/Civic/Government Offices City of Caldwell City of Somerville Construction C & H Building Construction Convenience Store ZipN Copies/Printing/UPS ImageMaker Credit Repair iRestore Dentistry Brazos Valley Orthodontics Drgac Dental MajorSmiles Rivers Family Dentistry Dozer Services H.L. Hoyack J7 Service Electrical Co-Op Bluebonnet Electrical Service Stevenson’s Electrical Feed Faust Farms Homeyer Feed & supply Phoenix Ag Services

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Fencing Drgac Fencing Financials LPL Financial Florist Wine & Roses Foot Care Brazos Valley Foot Care Funeral Home Phillips & Luckey Furniture Mc Rustic General Store Bucks Gifts Wine & Roses Hand Gun License Providence Hill Health Care Burleson St. Joseph Health Ctr. Burleson St Joseph Manor Copperas Hollow Assisted Living Copperas Hollow Nursing & Rehab Guardian Health Care Hope Pregnancy Center Insurance Alford Insurance Company Farm Bureau Livestock & Commission Caldwell Livestock Com. Lumber Company Woodson’s Lumber Company Massage Therapy Healing Hands Nail Care Polished Pest Control Armstrong Pesticide Solutions Photography Ida Schuman Photography Plumbing DP Plumbing Real Estate Double “O” Team Home & Ranch Real Estate Polansky Realty Real Estate Listings Home & Ranch Restaurants & Catering Deanville Bar & Grill Freedom Ranch Golden Chick Lo Nuestro de Mexico Masfajitas Mexican Restaurant Mudd Katt’s Super Donuts Service Station Groce Shell

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Truck-Auto-Tires-Supplies Burleson County Motor Supply Mitchell Tire Service Wilde Auto Plus Veterinarian BV-MVS Vitamins Roots & Shoots Water Well Drilling Loehr Drilling Co, Inc Welding & Fabricating C&H Welding & Fabrication

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NEAL BEARD CHUCK BURGESS LINDA CHAMBERLAIN SUZY COHEN EDWIN H. COOPER BEVERLY DIZZINE TRACY FRANK TAMMY KUBECKA SHARON ANN LAFFERE JOAN MAJORS DR. JACK MCKEMIE DVM KAVON NOVAK RENITA ODSTRCIL DONNA VARNER PRESNAL DR. KIA PARSI DEL ROGERS, SR. SCARLETTE TAYLOR POLLY WILLIAMS Phone 979.567.7871 979.567.6753 301 Hwy 21 E Caldwell, TX 77836 The contents of all articles do not represent the views of the Front Porch Magazine. The magazine claims no responsibility for the accuracy of information or content.

The Natural Way To Shine Rebecca Ivy is bringing Caldwell to the cutting edge of nail care. The Simply Organic Gel Nails t 'SFF PG QSJNFST EBOHFSPVT NPOPNFS NFUIBDSZMBUFT HMVFT JSSJUBUJOH DIFNJDBMT BDSJE PEPST OPYJPVT WBQPST EBOHFSPVT Ä•JOH EVTU BOE DIFNJDBM EBNBHF UP UIF OBUVSBM OBJM QMBUF t -JHIU BOE OBUVSBM GFFMJOH PO UIF OBJMT t "NB[JOHMZ TUSPOH BOE EVSBCMF t /PO BMMFSHFOJD BOE JSSJUBOU GSFF t /PO MJÄ™JOH BOE Ä˜FYJCMF t 4NPPUI DVSJOH MJLF HMBTT 40 (FM /BJMT MBTU UXJDF BT MPOH BT BDSZMJD OBJMT BOE DPOUBJO OP DIFNJDMBT PS BDJET Ä‡F 40 (FM /BJM UFDIOJRVF XBT EFWFMPQFE JO 6UBI BOE JT RVJDLMZ TQSFBEJOH NBJOMZ UISPVHI 6UBI 8ZPNJOH BOE *EBIP Ä‡F BSF KVTU B IBOEGVM PG TBMPOT JO UIF TUBUF PG 5FYBT UIBU QSPWJEF UIJT IFBMUIZ BOE VOJRVF NBOJDVSF UFDIOJRVF 3FCFDDB HSFX VQ JO $BMEXFMM BOE NPWFE UP 8ZPNJOH BU UIF BHF PG 4IF NPWFE CBDL UP $BMEXFMM JO XJUI UIF ESFBN PG PQFOJOH IFS PXO /BJM 4IPQ Ä‡VT 1PMJTIFE /BJM 4BMPO XBT CPSO JO 0DUPCFS 40 (FM /BJMT JT OPU UIF POMZ OBJM UZQF PG OBJM USFBUNFOU BWBJMBCMF BU 1PMJTIFE *O BEEJUJPO UP UIF 40 (FMT SFHVMBS NBOJDVSFT QFEJDVSFT BOE /BJM "SU BSF TPNF PG UIF PUIFS TFSWJDFT 1PMJTIFE JT MPDBUFE BU )XZ &BTU JO $BMEXFMM Ä‡F TBMPO JT PQFO 5VFTEBZ UISPVHI 'SJEBZ GSPN BN UP QN BOE PO 4BUVSEBZ GSPN BN UP QN

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Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers A Woman's Revenge "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." A Man’s Perspective I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Marriage Seminar While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened as the instructor explained, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?” Wife vs Husband A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.” WORD A husband read an article to his wife that explained that women use 30,000 words a day compared to a man’s use of 15,000 words. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.” The husband then turned to his wife and said,”What?” Creation A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, “Allow me to explain: God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

Country Home Bring ockin Mc Rustic is a new business started by Michael and Renee McCoy. Located at 17223 State Hwy 36 S in Somerville, Texas, this unique store offers rustic furniture of all types ... reclaimed wood, cedar, etc. The furniture pieces and accessories available at Rockin Mc Rustic are not only beautiful, they add warmth and personality to any room. Michael says, “With the help of a 15 year veteran of the rustic industry, Renee and I wanted to offer something to Burleson County that isn’t already here. In addition to the furniture, they will offer an array of furnishings, gifts, mattresses, bedding, rugs, K2 coolers, patio coolers, fire pits, BBQ pits, etc. For more information about this spectacular showroom, call 979-220-0364 or email rockinmcrustic@gmail. com.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Language Arts A mother mouse and her babies are out for some food-foraging in the backyard of the house where they live one day. And while she is instructing them about the best ways to find their food, the house cat comes along and narrows his gaze on the little family, licking his whiskers in anticipation. Suddenly, the mother mouse steps right out in front of the children and begins to bark like a dog: “Woof! Woof!” At this surprising turn of events, the house cat looks startled, and backs away. “Woof! Woof! Woof!” The brave little mouse roars. Confused, the cat turns tail and runs away. At this, the mother mouse turns to her tiny charges and says: “You see? This is why I have told you how important it is to learn a second language!” Southern Cops Have a Way with Words! These are actual comments made by Troopers that were taken off their car videos: 1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.” 2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.” 3. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” 4. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” 5. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?” 6. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.” 7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” 8. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.” 9. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” 10. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” National Crime Information Center ) 11. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?” 12. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.” AND THE WINNER IS.... 13. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

There are times in your life when you realize that no matter what you do for some people, it will never be good enough. The question is... is that your problem or theirs?

Beverly Dizzin, RMT, LVN has over 37 years experience in Preventative Health. She currently owns and operates Healing Hands Massage located at 200 N. Echols (inside the Cottage Beauty Shop) in Caldwell, Texas. For an appointment call 979-220-4485. Spring is the season of new growth, and the signs of change are all around us. Flowers popping up in parks and lawns, the days are longer, brighter and warmer, and our emotions are ifted by the extra light and raising temperatures. Springtime is seen as a time of renewal. At this time of year we begin to feel less sluggish, and become more open to inviting changes, both big and small, into our lives. “Spring Cleaning” - “Out with the Old, in with the New” - “Start fresh” Spring...a time in which to examine our lives and experience a new hope. Spring...a call to positive thinking. How can anyone not be inspired by the spirit of optimism that Springtime seems to bring? It’s time for CHANGE, PERSONAL EVOLUTION Have a good ‘ole clearing out, set goals and move forward. Throw open the windows! Let the stale air out and the fresh air in! Here are 10 tips to help refresh your body, mind and soul: 1. Be Honest. Do not lie. Clear your mind by being honest. Allow honest thoughts and communication to naturally flow in and out. Carrying the burden of lies only creates clutter. It is not a healthy way to live nor does it attract healthy relationships. 2. “No” your limits. Do not take on more than you can handle. This leads to complaints and disappointment. Manage your time... Learn to say “NO.” Leave time for love and laughter. 3. Exercise. Exercise is good for you. It’s criticval to a healthy mind, body and spirit to work off negativity. Follow a healthy routine. Allow yourself to indulge in massage, a passive work out for your muscles, a positive, relaxing time for your mind and a time to listen to your spirit. Consult your doctor or a trainer for a suggested exercise routine. 4. Eat Right. Healthy foods recharge your body and give you much needed energy. Cut down on fast food and cook more at home. Make it fun instead of a chore and have friends over for a dinner often. Take a cooking class. 5. Make time for yourself. Alone time is good. Reflect, plan, and relax without interruptions. Don’t have time for yourself? Then it’s

time to prioritize and manage your time so you do! 6. Develop your spiritual relationship. Meditate, pray, read the Bible. Gather with others for praise and worship. When you understand who you are and what your purpose is, you will begin to live with peace and passion. 7. Forgive. Letting go is a tremendous way to recharge your life by removing the heavy burden of pain and anger. Now is the time...to forgive means to let go of tons of toxins that are only destroying you. 8. Give back. Be aware and appreciative of what you really have. Volunteer - donate - help someone in need. 9. Mix Things Up! Venture outside of your comfort zone! Go to an art gallery, a new sporting event, take a hike, go skydiving! Infuse a little laughter and excitement in your mundane life and then spread the enthusiasm. 10. Invest in healthy relationships and get past the unhealthy ones. Do not continue in unhealthy friendships or associations. Seek counseling if needed. Don’t be afraid to make new friends! Cook with them, take walks with them, laugh with them!

Springtime is here! Enjoy!

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Love the Irish...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey !’ Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’ ********** Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ The man said, ‘I do, Father.’ The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’ Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ ‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied. ‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’ The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Tamale-e-e-e-s 15 ¢ a dozen

FOOD BARGAINS OF THE GREAT DEPRESSION

The old saying goes that “an army travels on its stomach,” implying that a well-fed army has more spirit, higher morale and the necessary strength to win at war. After a few years of observation, I think that being well fed has implications for us all, whether in the army, laying bricks, writing poetry, playing football or punching computers. The earliest records largely deal with man’s struggle to have enough to eat, especially in hard times brought about by such things as drought, flooding, pestilence, severe cold, and in modern times, economic depression. During the Great Depression of the 1930’s when a bedraggled old-timer came up to you and said, ”Brother can you spare a dime?”, he was talking about money for something to eat--nothing else. You could tell that by the sincere pleading look in his eyes—the distinctive look that only hunger can bring. I recall now some of the food bargains available in the lean depression years in San Marcos. I was financially able to take advantage of depression specials because Dad was able to keep his bakery doors open due to the immense popularity of his Dixie Cream Donuts. “Financially able” means I nearly always had a quarter or two to spend. A favorite eatery among San Marcons was the soda fountain at Howell’s Drug Store. A chicken salad sandwich accompanied by a sprinkling of Fritos, a fountain Coke and a dip of Borden’s ice cream was yours for 25 cents. The friendly arm of Mr. Howell on your shoulder, as he would relate a mild joke, was free of charge. At Bob’s Double Dip ice cream parlor, they offered a special two-cupped cone with a dip of ice cream in each one for onetenth of a dollar. I seldom traded there, however, because my friend Sue Ann’s dad owned the creamery. And with my dad owning the bakery, when either of us had birthday parties they were well attended, some guests bearing gifts from afar. For those really down on their luck, Shank’s Hamburger Joint met the need. For 5 cents, you could buy a Greaseburger, created by Mr. Shank’s rubbing halves of a hamburger bun across the greasy surface of the hot grill. With luck, the buns would pick up fragments of hamburger meat remaining from a previouslycooked Deluxe Burger, for which some more fortunate soul had squandered a dime. Once a hungry customer ordered one of Mr. Shank’s Deluxe Burgers just at closing time. The customer wolfed the burger down, bragged on it and ordered another. Mr. Shanks said, “Sorry, I’m out of meat. If you’d told me you wanted two when you came in here, I would have had enough meat.”

My dad and Mr. Shanks were friends. Once they were visiting during a mid-afternoon’s business lull. Mr. Shanks parted Dad’s company with the words, “Gotta go now, Coop, it’s time to add more water to the chili.” San Marcos in those days had two roving vendors of homemade tamales whose places of business were the sidewalks and streets of town. Ponciono Diaz was one and he was affectionately known a Tamale Ben He traversed the streets calling out his shrill message, “tamale-e-e-e-s.” When he made a sale, he carefully slipped the heavy leather strap off his shoulder and lowered the wicker basket containing the steaming can of tamales to the sidewalk. He would count them out to you, “uno, dos, tres, etc.,” finally wrapping them securely in newspaper for the customer, tipping his old felt hat and displaying that seamy little old man smile which couldn’t be duplicated. Tamale Ben’s competitor in the tamale game was Sostenez who peddled his product from a donkey driven wagon. He, too, wore a distinctive hat and had a quiet, pleasant personality. One dozen tamales for 15 cents, two for 25. The bargain food prices mentioned herein may seem too good to be true to some of the younger readers. For a better perspective of the situation, you had to bale hay or mow grass (or some such torture) for an hour to pay for a 15 cent dozen of tamales or donuts. That sobering thought was somewhat offset for me because Sue Ann liked me so much. We spent a lot of time watching the men at her dad’s creamery making stick ice cream bars. If we behaved, they would hand us a freshly frozen bar just dipped in warm chocolate, and let us roll it in chopped walnuts or pecans until you couldn’t identify the object. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore. I’d give a pretty penny right now to step into an Alley Oop time machine and go back to the streets of San Marcos and hear Poncione Diaz yell “Tamale-e-e-e-s,” just one more time.

Edwin H. Cooper, writer of human interest stories and articles, has been published in many Texas magazines and newspapers, and is active in numerous civic and school organizations. His new book, 40 Years at Aggieland, was published in 2013.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers High School Dropouts Two high school students are digging a ditch in the hot summer and they're complaining about it non-stop. "Sheesh, this is hard work. I hate this job!" "Yeah. How come we're down here working this hard and the foreman is up there sitting under a shady tree with a cool drink, and making 3 times as much as us? It's not fair!" "That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm gonna go ask him!" So the guy climbs out of the ditch and goes up to the foreman under the shady tree. "How come we're down there working so hard in the burning hot sun, while you sit up here under this shady

tree with a cool drink?" The foreman says, "Well, it comes down to one word: Intelligence." "Whaddya mean, intelligence? You calling me stupid!?" "Well, here. Let me show you." So the foreman holds his hand up against the tree and says, "Punch my hand as hard as you can." The guy figures, now's my chance for some payback! He winds up and swings at the foreman's hand as hard as he can, but at the last moment, the foreman yanks his hand away. The guy nearly breaks his hand smashing it against the tree. "See what I mean?" the foreman says. "Intelligence." "Alright. I get it." And he goes back to work with his hand throbbing in pain. His buddy in the ditch asks him, "So whad he say?" "He said we're slaving away down here because of intelligence!" "Intelligence!? Is he calling us stupid!? What does he mean by that!?" His buddy says, "Well here, let me show you." Seeing no tree around, he holds up his hand in front of his face. "Take your shovel and hit my hand..."

New Beginnings & Old Traditions by Tammy Kubecka

Burleson County has a really unique combination of residents. The first Anglo settlers of the 1830-40s were mostly Irish and Scottish. Then came immigrants from Czechoslovakia, Germany, and Italy in the mid to late 1800s. The Hispanic population didn’t become noticeable until well after 1900. They came from all directions, all parts of the globe, and have made up a wonderful patchwork of relatives, ancestors and traditions. With such a mixture, we have a little bit of the entire world in Burleson County! In 1871, a couple named Henry and Dorothia Mahlmann boarded a ship named the Weser in Bremen, Germany. He was about 34 years old, and she was 26 or 28 with a baby on the way. They were traveling with some of Henry’s relatives. The Mahlmanns and 134 other passengers set sail for the port of Galveston, Texas, and arrived about a month later. The Mahlmanns recorded their marriage in Washington County in 1872 as part of their immigration process, and in another year or so, they were farming in the Birch area of Burleson County. They had seven children, all born in Texas. Besides material things, they brought along their language, their music and putting a spoonful of sugar in most recipes to satisfy the “German sweet tooth”. In 1872, Martin Jurica, his wife Anna and their four children sailed to Galveston from Vsetin, Moravia, Czechoslovakia. Settling first near Fayetteville, Texas, the second son of Martin and Anna, Josef, married Rozina Krupa in 1877. Farming in the Fayetteville area, Josef and Rozina had three children and their second son, August, made his way to Burleson County for his bride, Otelye Maresh. The Maresh family lived in the Frenstat area of Burleson County. Marrying in 1907, this Jurica clan had seven children and moved to West, Ennis, and back to Burleson County in 1930. In 1938 they moved again to Ennis, this time leaving behind Raymond August, the third son, who also married a Burleson County bride by the name of Vlasta Luksa. Raymond and Vlasta lived in the San Antonio Prairie community and had two children, Anna Rose and Raymond John. Living only in Burleson County until their death, Anna Rose and Raymond each married and had families that still live in the county today. The Juricas would be one of hundreds of Czech families that

immigrated to, or near, Burleson County. The Czech families also brought their language and music, farming knowledge and best of all...kolaches! In 1890, brothers Mariano, 22, and Carlo, 18, Scarmardo left Poggioriale, Sicily to come to the United States. They were the first children of Luca and Vita Scarmardo to set out for a new life. They arrived in New Orleans, and worked in Louisiana before moving to Chicago while working for the railroad. Eventually they joined relatives in the Brazos River Valley of Burleson County. The brothers were given 10 acres of land for farming. Carlo married Sarah Poncio and had nine sons and one daughter. Mariano married Paula Corte and they have five children. The Scarmardos built a farming empire over the next years, and branched out to cattle ranching, gins, and more. What a unique blend of families they have added to our county. The Negrete family has been a mainstay in Burleson County for many years, but they didn’t arrive in the Somerville area until well after 1900. Anastacio E. Negrete married Elena Armenta in June 1914, and they moved to Texas where he’d already immigrated. The couple had nine children, but when Elena died in 1925, Anastacio went back to Mexico and married Elena’s sister, Maria Soledad. The Negretes moved to Somerville that same year, and they too had nine children. Anastascio worked for the Santa Fe Railroad, and helped found the Mexican Cemetery Association in Somerville. Members of the Negrete family can often be seen laughing and celebrating events such as Cinco de Mayo, Mexican Independence Day in September and planning homemade tamales for Christmas. No matter who they were, or where they came from, our immigrants brought their families, their traditions and their dreams.....looking for a new beginning. There’s an endless list of historical projects that need to be done in our county, another county, any county....time seems to go by faster each year and more of our lives become “history.” Words can’t express how important it can be to your family, our county and country, for everyone to save some aspect of history. Are you interested in county history? There’s several historical groups in the county, and they all need help. Feel independent? Try transcribing some old records at the county clerk’s office. Feel adventuresome? Research an important person or event, make a few trips outside your comfort zone and see what you learn. Try reading old newspapers and learn what was important back when. Many papers are on the internet. Want to have more fun? Get your whole family involved! Let the kids search for topics on the internet and interview relatives. Let your grandparents tell you what they remember. Sticking with your own family history is a great way to start, and local historical groups like to have that kind of information on file for other researchers. Every family has some unique story....a tragedy, something funny, or something important.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers

Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called ‘walking.’ George W. Bush

Love the Irish...

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’ ‘Just water,’ says the priest. The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’ The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’ ‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’ ‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’ She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

A woman went to a doctors’ office and was seen by one of the new doctors. But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded.... ‘What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT??’ The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”

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Negative Nelly ’s by Renita Odstrcil Renita Odstrcil is a licensed Texas Realtor. She is a member of the National Association of Professional Women, the National and Texas Association of Realtors, and the local B/CS Association of Realtors.

In a world that exudes so much negativity, it can be a constant battle to maintain a positive mental attitude. Have you ever noticed how some people will always have something negative to say no matter how simple the situation may be? Someone can make a simple statement about how nice the weather is only to have someone else say something like, “Well, you better enjoy it because it’s not going to last. Why? Why didn’t they just say,

events in my life. Typically, I’m laid back and easy going. I suppose though, like most, there are times that I tend to stress out about the finances, kids and other typical things that many of us fret over. It is during these times that I can turn into a different person. I may become grumpy and easily agitated. I do not like myself when I’m feeling like this because I know my frustrations are affecting my husband and children as well. In many instances, they will react to my negative attitude by becoming negative themselves. It is this awareness that has me thinking about the Negative Nelly’s of this world. Negative Nelly’s or Negative Nancy’s as they are also called, are people who look for the negative in everything. They are chronic complainers who love to criticize and blame. They can be your coworkers, family members or complete strangers. Within a few minutes of being around them, they will zap your positive energy and replace it with their negative energy. When you finally get away from them, you will feel totally drained and exhausted. You absolutely must distance yourself from these types of people whenever possible. Of course, if the Negative Nelly is a family member, coworker, or some other person you cannot avoid, then it’s time to change the way you interact with them. When they come to you complaining about one thing or another, you must not encourage them in any way. They are looking for someone to agree with them, someone to share in their misery, hence the old saying “misery loves company.” Limit your time around them and stay neutral in your responses. They will soon figure out that you are not going to engage in their negativity. Once you effectively change the way you interact with Negative Nelly’s, you will notice that there will be fewer Negative Nelly’s affecting your life. That’s when the Positive Polly’s will start appearing and your overall interactions with those around you will be improved. You will be following the Law of Attraction which states that ‘Like attracts Like’. Look around and you will see this law in effect every day. Strive to be the type of person you want to attract and you will notice a change in the people around you. Best beautiful day.”? ““Yes, iitt iis a b “Y tif if l d of all though, you may convert a few Negative Nelly’s into Positive I’ve been spending quite a bit of time here lately trying to be Polly’s along the way just by striving to always have a positive ataware of my own attitude, behavior, and responses, etc. to daily titude yourself.

It only takes

ONE

Negative comment

TO KILL A dream.

Remember that Next time.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Spell-Check A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St. Peter comes along, and she asks him: “Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?” St. Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.” “What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!” “Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St. Peter. Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St. Peter opens the gates for her. After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St. Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates. Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates. “Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much...tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?” Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then - I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head...so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?” The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too...but, well, I guess life goes on - right?” “Right!,” he said. “So, tell me...how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I’d get here. Is it easy to get in?” “Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word” “Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?” “Czechoslovakia”

Where Is Your

Priority? by Scarlette Taylor

I got a lot to chew on after a discussion with a relative who had been what Christians called “back sliders” many years back. Though he’d grown up in church and had a relationship with the Lord, he got away from Him and began to let much of his life focus on entertainment and financial prosperity, which ultimately led to self-absorption. As we talked, one of the things he pointed out about getting back into church and into a strong relationship with the Lord was the church’s lack of love and forgiveness, the strong judgmental spirit often encountered. Sadly, what he pointed out is too often seen in churches today, However, I fully believe it is because of a lack of maturity in the body, or church. Every church is filled with people at all stages of maturity in their relationship with Christ. There are people who have been in church for four decades yet are babes in Christ, babes in knowledge of Scripture, and what Jesus would want done, and how, and in yielding to God’s will in their lives. Babes in forgiving and loving the unlovely, the sinner. I know because it took years for me not to be a hearer of the Word only but a doer of what the Word says. It took years for me to apply what Scripture stated. How easy it is to rationalize our actions, our thoughts. As followers of Jesus Christ, we are to be rooted and grounded in Him; we are to be like Him. The apostle Paul tells us to follow Him as he follows Christ. And certainly loving, forgiving, serving others, seeking and following God’s will in our lives are all evidences of maturity.

The early church, as recorded in the book of Acts, lived out what Scripture stated. Acts tells us that the new believers “continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayer.” “And all that believed were together and had all things in common.” These believers lived praising God, and living out Scripture. And Acts tells us that they had favor with all the people.

Where is your priority? You may be someone’s new beginning. So, how do you feel you are doing, dear one? When you read God’s Word, are you allowing your heart to be spoken to by the Holy Spirit? Are you listening with an intent to be obedient? Perhaps our churches are not filled to overflowing because we in the pews are not taking God’s Word to heart, not living it out in our relationships outside the church. Perhaps we are not the forgiving, loving, God-seeking people in every area of our lives as we are commanded to be. Those who need direction, hope, help and, forgiveness, are ready to encounter genuine Christ followers, then they will be drawn to the answer for their lives, Jesus Christ. Where is your priority? You may be someone’s new beginning.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence. “Get well quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “Nah, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says... ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!’”

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Letter to My Daughter My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way ... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day... The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered

mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad... Just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you ... my darling daughter.

One young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview. The director discovered from his CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent. He asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" the youth answered "no." "Was it your father who paid for your school fees?" "My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees." he replied. "Where did your mother work?" "My mother worked as a clothes cleaner." The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect. "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?" "Never...my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me." The director said, "I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning." The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son. The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tears fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched it.

This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fees. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his education, his school activities and his future. After cleaning his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother. That night, mother and son talked for a very long time. Next morning, the youth went to the director's office. The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, when he asked: "Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?" The youth answered, "I cleaned my mother's hands, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes. "I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, only now do I realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done on your own. And I have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping oneâ€™s family." The director said, "This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. "You are hired." This young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and worked as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.

Comedians in Chief Funny Presidential Quotes

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worOne day, Lady ried and all First strung out.Eleanor Roosevelt visited a penitentiary. When FDR asked where she was, he was told, “She’s in off, prison. ” She rattles “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up “I’m not surprised, ” Roosevelt “But this morning, I looked at myself responded. in the mirror andwhat saw my for? all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and hair pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?” “These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. Youher know, I even thought my The doctor looks overfor fora while a couple of minutes, then staff believed it. There on my schedule—first thing every calmly says, “Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain’t morning—it said Intelligence Briefing. nothing wrong with your eyesight. ” ” —George W. Bush, at the 2001 Gridiron Club dinner

“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: President Can’t Swim.” —Lyndon Johnson “When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’” —Teddy Roosevelt “It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.” —John Kennedy, answering a boy who asked how he became a war hero. “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” —Jimmy Carter Front Porch Magazine would like to thank our advertisers and writers for their continued support.

You Might Be A Texan If... 1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Kerrville, Boerne, New Braunfels, Amarillo, Pedernales and Leakey!! 2. Your manners include: “Please”, “Thank You”, “Excuse me”, “Ma’am,” and “Sir” & you wanna punch those who don’t use them. 3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of. 4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 5. You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day. 6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade. 7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks. 8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect! 9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 10. You measure distance in minutes or hours. 11. You hear and use the term “fixin’ to” daily. 12. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions. 13. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is. 14. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit. 15. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date. 16. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist. 17. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first. 18. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store... and it’s a drive-thru. 19. You always have iced tea and cold beer available for guests. 20. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is. 21. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce. 22. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you could walk.

23. You actually like these jokes and are ﬁxin’ to send them to your friends. 24. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”. 25. You never use the word “veggies.” 26. You know where the Cotton Bowl is. 27. You are 100% Texan if you’ve EVER heard this conversation: “You wanna coke?” “Yeah.” “What kind?” “Dr. Pepper.”

Backbone or Jawbone by Del Rogers, Sr. The pastor had prayed each day for 15 years for a new beginning for the old church. He had talked for 15 years about the vision of a new sanctuary and in the last few years, about relocation. The words were like seed sown on hard ground (or in this case a few hard heads). Each year the church would reach a peak and then drop a little lower. The year before we lead them through Stewardship Enrichment, they had the lowest attendance average in 15 years. They were still winning a lot of folks, but many of them stayed just for a little while and left. The interviews they conducted with those who left indicated that the major reason for leaving was the old facilities, crowded sanctuary, the crowded classrooms, the crowded parking. Reminds you of the line from that great American philosopher Yogi Berra, “Nobody goes there anymore! You can’t get in for the crowd.” But God is in the business of answering the prayers of His people. Enough new people came and stayed and enough older folks came around to share the Pastor’s vision and enough young leaders, with small children, emerged who knew that the church had to expand or die, so when the vote was taken it was overwhelmingly positive. Hence, Stewardship Enrichment – a scriptural capital campaign to pay for the vision. The first major meeting - Leadership Challenge - was a great beginning. I met the Pastor the morning after the Leadership Challenge at his office to discuss potential Steering Committee members and to begin the enlistment process. We talked about the giftedness of each leader. We had only visited for a few moments when someone knocked on the door; it opened and in walked one of the deacons – a tall and handsome man, who carried himself like a leader. He greeted me; told me how much he appreciated the Leadership Challenge and the scriptural approach to Stewardship Enrichment, then turned to the Pastor. “Pastor, I want to be on that Steering Committee.” The Pastor turned the paper on his desk around and then pointed to the second name on the sheet and said, “I was going to ask you to be our Leadership Gathering Director.” He said, “I don’t know what that means, but I’ll do it!” We shook hands; he said, “Let me know what’s next.” And he left. After the deacon left, the Pastor said, “That was interesting and unexpected.” But he offered no further explanation. The Pastor and I discussed the other potential Steering Com-

mittee members, enlisted the rest of the team, began the program and it went great. ********************** Fast forward to the Leadership Gathering near the end of the program. It was a wonderful night of food, fellowship, music and worship. I shared scripture that illustrated and encouraged leadership; looked at King David’s stewardship leadership principles and practices; challenged the leaders to prayerfully consider giving systematically, substantially, and sacrificially and to be starters – leading the way for setting an example – for the congregation. We had asked the deacon who was Leadership Gathering Director to close the evening by sharing his testimony. He began: “All of you know me, I own the major soft drink distributorship for this 5 state region, and I own a chain of drive-in hamburger joints. I have hired many of your children over the years and have several working for me now.” “Kids like to have the holidays off and when they ask to be off on the 4th of July or Labor Day or any other holiday (except Easter or Christmas when we always close) – I say ‘No.’ If they persist I say, ‘Absolutely not’ and if they persist even more, I say ‘Those are our busiest days, if I don’t need you then, I don’t need you at all;’ and if they don’t show up for work, I fire them.’ Now, about this time, I started getting very, very concerned. I was anticipating a stirring testimony, and he is talking about firing the children of these people. The people are shifting nervously in their chairs, an uneasy cough here and there, a nervous chuckle there but the deacon continued. “Some of you know that our Pastor shared a vision of a new sanctuary for 10 years but has challenged us to relocate for the last 5 years. What most of you don’t know is that his proposal – his vision, never got out of deacon’s meeting because of me. Every year and sometimes several times a year the Pastor would bring it up, and I would work behind the scenes to shoot it town. This has caused more than a little distance between the Pastor and me. “Some this year I decided that I would get on the Pastor’s good side. When he brought it up in Deacon’s meeting, I spoke up for it. I knew that the deacon’s would have sense enough to vote against it – they didn’t. They voted for it. “But no problem, it had to go to the congregation for a vote. I knew that the people would not vote for moving from the location where we have been for 75 years. They sure would not vote to spend millions of dollars for the move. Well, you know how that went – the church voted YES. “Then another opportunity came up. The deacons discussed hiring Del Rogers, a stewardship consultant – a fundraiser – to lead us through Stewardship Enrichment to raise the money for the purchase of the land and the building. I voted against it, but all the others voted for it. “Then came that first congregational meeting with Del Rogers at Leadership Challenge. I went just to see what this was all about. I liked what I heard, BUT I had no intention of getting involved. “Del asked us to volunteer for the area that would best use our God given giftedness or volunteer to help wherever needed. I was not about to volunteer for anything. “I started having a conversation with God. ‘God,’ I said, ‘You CONTINUED PAGE 57

History Where Texas Became Texas by John Cornyn, US Senator for Texas It all started in a small town nestled between the Barrington Farm and the Jordan Creek along the banks of the Brazos River – that’s where the early seeds of the Lone Star State were planted. If you’re from Texas, you’re probably familiar with names like Davy Crockett, Sam Houston, and Steven F. Austin. It would be hard to grow up here without repeatedly hearing the story of how our ancestorsbeat oppression, won the Texas Revolution, and declared independence as the Republic of Texas. Certainly, you ‘Remember the Alamo.’ For two weeks, Mexican soldiers had been launching attacks at Texas’ southern border in attempts to squander our budding independence. They quickly drained our resources and numbers. But they could never drain our spirit. In the midst of the fight, five newly-elected Texas delegates hunkered down along the Brazos’ banks and rushed to put pen to paper. Time was of the essence. Messengers reported that just 350 miles south, the number of remaining Texan soldiers had dwindled into the double-digits. They were desperate to defend

the Alamo against an onslaught of thousands of fresh Mexican soldiers, and they were failing. The five delegates burned the midnight oil – literally – jotting down ideas that would soon change history. The next morning, the other 54 delegates returned to what we now call Independence Hall to make it official. It was March 2nd, 1836, and the first lone star had just been hoisted into the sky as a symbol of Texas freedom and the now independent Republic of Texas. For ten years, the Republic thrived on the same ideals that still drive our state: freedom, personal responsibility, and plain old hard work. On December 29, 1845, Texas became the 28th state to join the United States – the first state with history as its own independent nation. Although the Republic of Texas was short-lived, the Texas spirit lives on. Look around, and you’ll see we’re still Texans undeterred, working hard to provide for our families. Our state’s employment boasts the fastest growth rate of all 50 states, and creates the most international trade of all 50 states. And we still fight just as hard to protect our ideals and our neighbors. County Commissioner Ben Perry hit the nail on the head when he told me what we Texans know too well: “Being a Texan doesn’t describe where you’re from, it describes who your family is.” So as spring comes along and we celebrate new beginnings of all kinds, I know across Texas we’ll all be celebrating the beginnings of our great state, right here in Washington-on-the-Brazos, nestled between the Barrington Farm and the Jordan Creek. That’s where Texas became Texas.

New Beginnings... It’s that time off the year again! The winter season signa signals nals ls the year-end and tells us that a new dawn is approaching. As we see it, this “change of year” symbolism is important for two reasons: One, it allows us to take stock of the year that has gone by and second it provides us with the hope of being able to start afresh and not get weighed down by the past. We can immerse ourselves in memories, however it is each new day that brings a chance to make our lives even better than they already are today. Each morning, going forward, is an adventure. We learn to grow through experience. Walk through the open door in front of you taking with you the good and close the door behind you. Continue to walk forward with a smile on your face as you search for good fortune. The power to do so is in your hands. So we challenge you to take a chance. Make a change. Start anew. We know it’s difficult and scary, but that’s what makes life exciting!!

The Best Is Yet To Come! 33

Bacon Ranch Pasta Salad "This is a very flavorful pasta salad. The crisp cooked bacon really adds a nice flavor. Makes 10 servings 1 (12 ounce) package uncooked tri-color rotini pasta 10 slices bacon 1 cup mayonnaise 3 tablespoons dry ranch salad dressing mix 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder 1/2 teaspoon garlic pepper 1/2 cup milk, or as needed 1 large tomato, chopped 1 (4.25 ounce) can sliced black olives 1 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese Directions Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil; cook rotini at a boil until tender yet firm to the bite, about 8 minutes; drain. Place bacon in a skillet over medium-high heat and cook until evenly brown. Drain and chop. In a large bowl, mix pasta, mayonnaise, ranch dressing mix, garlic powder, and garlic pepper. Stir in milk until smooth. Place rotini, bacon, tomato, black olives and cheese in bowl and toss to coat with dressing. Cover and chill at least 1 hour in the refrigerator. Toss with additional milk if the salad seems a little dry.

PICNIC Problem Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

A bachelor living with his mother was very fond of cats and seldom left the home place. It became necessary for him to make a trip to New York. The day after his arrival he called home and asked the butler how things were, and the butler immediately informed him that his best cat died. “You spoiled my entire trip,” said the bachelor. “You should not have given me such bad news.” “What should I have told you?” asked the butler. “Well, the first day I called in you might have said the cat wasn’t looking so well. The second day you might have stated that the cat was on the roof, and the third day you might have told me that you had taken the cat to the vet, and on the fourth day, you might have broken the news to me that the cat had died.” “Well, okay, boss, I’ll remember to do that the next time you call in.” Then the bachelor said, “Oh, by the way, how is my mother?” And the butler said, “Well, she’s on the roof.”

An elderly man, seeing a youngster come down the street, turned and addressed a bystander. “Isn’t it goshawful how these girls and boys dress alike? You can’t even tell what it is.” “It’s a girl,” said the bystander. Whereupon the elderly gentleman asked, “How do you know? Are you her mother?” “No,” retorted the bystander, “I’m her father.”

Let her stay home and wash and iron and cook and clean and take care of the kids. No wife of mine is going to work.

SEIZURES IN ANIMALS Howdy, today we are going to discuss the causes, recognition and treatment of seizures in pets and farm animals. A seizure is defined as an electrical disruption in the brain. The kind of seizure seen will vary with the area of the brain affected. Some pets will have the classic generalized event with muscle convulsions, urination, defecation, while others can be more focal activities like twitching or other uncontrolled repetitive motor or behavioral activities that they can’t voluntarily control. Most seizures have 3 phases, aura, ictal and postictal. Aura manifests itself as the initial anxious period before the actual convulsion of the ictal phase. Postictal is the period of time for recovery back to normal mentation. Causes of seizures are many especially in animals in rural free roaming situations. Ingestion of toxic compounds like sago palm plants, rodent bait, moldy garbage, xylitol sugar substitute, ingestion of human medication and overzealous administration of Ivermectin to animals by their owners. Infectious causes include rabies, distemper bacterial, and fungal invasion into the brain or spinal fluid. Organ dysfunction includes conditions like congestive heart failure liver or kidney disease, pancreatitis and any form of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) in animals. Glucose is the currency of life, and if it falls too low due to anorexia, vomiting, or diarrhea in animals and can seizure until they die. This is especially important in neonates, (very young animals). Primary brain disease is the last category of various forms of seizures. Cancer of the brain in middle age to older pets can cause a sudden onset of neurological events and is usually progressive in nature. Hydrocephalous, a condition where the brain secretes excessive amounts of cerebral spinal fluid, can be seen typically in neonate or young animals.

This condition is also progressive and not curable. Epilepsy is defined as recurrent seizures with no underlying disease process or cause. It is often hereditary and usually starts between the ages of 6 months to 5 years of age. The breeds often effected by this condition are too numerous to list. The occurrence of events can range from once or twice a year to monthly. Toxic, infectious and organ dysfunction causes of seizures are usually managed symptomatically with anticonvulsive and resolution or treatment of the original cause. Brain disorders like cancer and hydrocephalus are managed palliatively until the animal is suffering. Epilepsy is often managed with daily oral anticonvulsive medications or benign neglect depending on the frequency and severity of neurological events. Once an animal has been diagnosed with epilepsy by ruling out all other causes and the appropriate anticonvulsive prescribed, it is most likely a lifelong commitment for the pet’s guardian and bi-yearly blood work and checkups. It is also important to note that many anticonvulsive medications can cause mentation changes and eventual organ damage. That is why not all epileptic pets are automatically placed on medications. In conclusion, there are many causes of seizures. It is important to remain calm, stay away from the pet’s mouth and prevent the pet from causing self-trauma. Seek immediate Veterinary assistance if the pet continues to convulse or has multiple (clustering) events during the day. This condition can rapidly become life threatening in pets. If the pet has had a focal or generalized event and has stopped seizing, then an appointment with your regular veterinarian is highly recommended ASAP to determine the cause and best plan of action for your pet’s health. Thanks for your attention and time....Jack F Mc Kemie DVM

Garden R by Chuck Burgess

“And the Lord God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He place the man whom He had formed.” Genesis 2:8 I find it quite interesting where God placed the first man and woman He created. I mean, the First Man and the First Woman! What an edge they could have had in any scenario. They would have been the most powerful CEO’s because they had it all. Anything they thought of would have instantly been patented and the royalties would still be rolling in! Columbus and all the famous explorers had nothing on Adam and Eve...they discovered THE EARTH! And yet, God put them in a garden. “Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?” Corinthians 1:20 Placing Adam and Eve in the garden surely set them up to act in ways that reflected the very actions of God. Set down midst a new creation that was anything but dead or stagnant, they were surrounded by living plants and animals in order that they should, “cultivate and keep it.” (Genesis 2:15b) To do this would require them to love and care for everything that was in it; always paying attention to the needs of the individual living things, and responding in ways to promote the continued well-being of all. And by caring and loving the garden entrusted to them by God, Adam and Eve would have lived in peace and harmony with their surroundings and each other. But instead of taking care of what was around them, they decided to take care of...well, we all know what happened to ruin this perfect setting. But maybe the benefits of being in a garden were written into us when He formed us? When I was growing up, my mother entrusted me with a garden. Working in the yard with her, I learned that pulling weeds, turning over the soil, and watching seedlings emerge and produce fruit was

more than just a job...it was peaceful and very satisfying. Somehow it was like medicine for the soul. Whatever problems were going on at the time, it seemed they faded away as you went into the garden. If you don’t garden now, it’s not too late to start. Spring is a great time, although there are plants that can do well in every season we have. Learn what is best for each season. Take time to study and learn about different varieties. Once started, you’ll see that it doesn’t take a hugh amount of every day. In fact being there a short period each day is more meaningful and productive than occasionally hurrying through it. Watching that seed sprout into a seedling, continue to grow and flower, and eventually yield fruit is more satisfying than many things we spend lots of time doing. This also follows over to gardening in life. Whether that seed is a child or loved one, special ties are created by being there, not rushing, and providing what’s needed at the right time. So you see, it is interesting yet not surprising at all, that God placed His finest creation in a garden setting. Whether working among the plants, or sitting peacefully on a bench seeking refuge from a stressful day, there is comfort there. “Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, ‘Sit here while I go over there and pray.’ ” Matthew 26:36

Passing Through

And the Valuable Lessons I Learned In an effort to accessories our cemetery plot, hubby and I went shopping. I tried to tell him that hunting for a tombstone isnâ€™t even vaguely mentioned on my bucket list. My husband, on the other hand, seems determined that he get this morbid chore checked off his to do list. Iâ€™m not planning on coming back to see the final results of our efforts, but, Iâ€™m pretty sure he is. Heâ€™ll want to make sure every detail is just right, or at least, that is the impression I get. Iâ€™m too busy dreaming of those red sole heels that Oprah wears, and fantasizing about the ultimate exotic vacation. Forget the looming marble marker. Letâ€™s use the cash to check out the Taj Mahal! Let the kids clean out the attic, and pick the marker-or not. The upside of this project is that we can go see the creepy keepsake of our demise any sunny day after church service, because the family plot is just a hop and skip down the bunny trail. We can have a romantic picnic right on top of our exclusive spot. We can visit the in-laws. Thinking about situating our marker on our very own cemetery plot, naturally led to thoughts of myself being deposited. If I were about to pass on to the pearly gates, what valuable lessons have I learned that might be worth passing on. Aside from the #1 and most important fact, that faith in God and a relationship with Him is the key to a worthwhile life, there are a few things that might be good to know. t -JGF JT UIF SPBE UP QFSGFDUJOH VT BT IVNBOT OPU B TDIPPM PO IPX to party. God has a sense of humor, but even he has his limits. t %PO U XPSSZ BCPVU TIBWJOH ZPVS MFHT JO XJOUFS -PPLJOH MJLF one of the Clydesdale horses is still not enough motivation. t Ä‡FSF JT OP OFFE UP XBTUF UJNF QBJOUJOH ZPVS UPFOBJMT FJUIFS Only paint them if you are going to a warm weather area, or you live in Texas, where the temperature changes about every twentyfour hours. t 0OMZ FBU PZTUFST JO i3w NPOUIT * EPO U LOPX XIZ t %PO U XSJUF IPNF UP ZPVS QBSFOUT UIF TVNNFS BÄ™FS IJHI TDIPPM senior year, telling them you are staying past your six weeks summer visit to a certain sheriff â€™s daughterâ€™s, uncleâ€™s Hawaiian home, in order to join the Mormon Church, and attend The Church College of Hawaii. Your secret motivation being that you have become infatuated with the Church Collegeâ€™s muscled, knife tossing, Polynesian culture troupe dancers who are performers at said uncleâ€™s beach hotel. Wisely, my parents ignored my letter, and I came home. t *G JU TPVOET UPP HPPE UP CF USVF JU QSPCBCMZ JT %PO U EP JU 5SJUF but true. t /FWFS EBUF B QFSTPO XIP DBO U EBODF PS XPO U MFBSO %BODJOH involves trust, acceptance, laughter, forgiveness, partnership, and

more than a little romance. t 5SZ OPU UP HP PO CMJOE EBUFT .PTU PG UIF UJNF JU T CFUUFS UP TUBZ home. A two hour blind date will seem like a twenty hour date if the person is not your type, has some annoying tic, or is just someone you donâ€™t want to kiss. You have to ask yourself, why canâ€™t they get their own dates? t " HSFBU QIJMPTPQIFS %JBOOF 7PO 'VSTUFOCFSH UIF JOWFOUPS PG UIF XSBQ ESFTT TVHHFTUT iÄ‡F NPTU JNQPSUBOU SFMBUJPOTIJQ ZPV DBO IBWF JT UIF POF ZPV IBWF XJUI ZPVSTFMG w 1FSTPOBMMZ * WF GPVOE JU T next to impossible to get away from yourself, so I suggest that you try to be a person you can stand to live with. t -PWF QFPQMF BOE ZPVSTFMG CVU USVTU (PE 1FPQMF BSF XPSUI MPWing, but can be very fickle. t "MXBZT TJU GBDJOH UIF GSPOU EPPS :PV OFWFS LOPX XIFO TPNFPOF is going to come in shooting. This bit of wisdom comes from my mom, who lived during the depression and the days when Texas was a little rugged. She never broke this rule. t )VNPS JT FTTFOUJBM JO B SFMBUJPOTIJQ *G ZPVS QBSUOFS EPFTO U IBWF a sense of humor, he is not for you. Life is too short to live with a grumpy buzzard when you can live with a happy border collie. t *G ZPV GPMMPX UIF EJSFDUJPOT ZPV XJMM NPTU MJLFMZ HFU UIF EFTJSFE results. Itâ€™s really hard to pass the course, when you try to cram six biology chapters into your brain the night before the test. Trust me. t 4UBZ GPDVTFE PO ZPVS HPBM BOE EPO U MFU UIF Ä˜VÄŒ PG MJGF PS EBSL souled people take you down. t Ä‡F LJOH PG XJTEPN TVHHFTUFE UIBU NPTUMZ JU T CFUUFS UP LFFQ quiet, than to speak and show your ignorance. Mark Twain was a lot smarter than he looked. t 5SZ OPU UP TFFL SFWFOHF *U T WFSZ IBSE OPU UP XSJOH UIFJS MJUUMF misguided necks, but, take the high road. If the situation doesnâ€™t change, distance helps, and also wine. t *G ZPV NFTT VQ EPO U HJWF VQ ZPV IBWF UPNPSSPX UP DIBOHF TUBSU over, and make it right. If that doesnâ€™t work, eat chocolate. t -PWF Ä•FSDFMZ LOPX ZPVS XPSUI GPSHJWF RVJDLMZ MFU HP PG XIBU doesnâ€™t make you happy. t 4NJMF B MPU 8IP XBOUT UP CF around a bitter old person? t 'JOBMMZ EPO U UBLF ZPVSTFMG UPP seriously, and try to remember that the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. CZ %POOB 1SFTOBM 3FUJSFE 5FBDIFS Caldwell High School Graduate

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Car Crash A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey. “What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. “Yes.” “What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?” “Yes.” “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.” “Yes.” “What were you doing during all this?” “Driving,” motioned the monkey.

Dogged Out A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?” A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams, turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?” “Well,” squeaked the little man, very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.” “What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?” “Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a 4-week-old puppy.” “Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your puppy kill my Doberman?” “It appears that he choked on it, sir.”

Transferring Assets to a 529 Plan by Kavon Novak

Kavon Novak is a registered Investment Consultant and Branch Manager with LPL Financial. He holds Series 7, 24 and 63 licenses. Kavon has over 15 years of experience in the financial industry and is a member of the Financial Services Institute and the Burleson County Chamber of Commerce. He is a multi-year “Outstanding Client Service” award recipient and a Fightin’ Texas Aggie ’91. For more information please visit www.lpl.com/kavon.novak.

beneficiary, any assets moved to a 529 plan owned by the parent could be construed as a transer of ownership from the beneficiary to the parent. This could raise legal issues down the road if the parent subsequently changes the beneficiary. What’s more, Coverdells can be used to pay for primary or secondary school costs, whereas 529 plans are limited to college expenses. Relocating UGMA/UTMA Assets Many 529 plans accept rollovers from custodial accounts established for minor beneficiaries, such as those created under the provisions of the Uniform Gifts/Uniform Transfers to Minors Act (UGMA/UTMA). Be aware that the money in an UGMA/UTMA account belongs to the minor, so any subsequent withdrawals after a transfer to a 529 plan may only be used for that minor. Also, since contributions to 529 plans must in in cash, UGMA/UTMA assets first need to be liquidated, with any capital gains taxable to the minor.

A 529 College Savings Plan may be an attractive vehicle for those looking to save for a child’s education.1 If you have already committed college-earmarked assets to another type of financial vehicle, such as a Coverdell Education Savings Account or a custodial account for a minor beneficiary, you may want to investigate transferring those assets to a 529 plan. Moving Savings Bond Assets The third option for a transer to a 529 plan involves cashing Making the Move from a Coverdell in qualified U.S. savings bonds and contributing the proceeds to Amounts transferred from a Coverdell account to a “quali- the plan, in accordance with the guidelines established by the fied tuition program” (IRS lingo for a 529 plan) are viewed as IRS and the Treasury Department’s Education Bond Program.2 qualified education expenses by the IRS and are therefore tax You can find more information at the Treasury Department’s free as long as the amount of the withdrawal is not more than the Treasury Direct Web site: designated beneficiary’s qualified education expenses. http://www.treasurydirect.gov/indiv/planning/plan education.htm. There are several reasons why a college saver may want to 1By investing in a 529 plan outside of the state in which you pay taxes, you may lose the take this course of action.

t Consolidation with a more generous contribution limit: Whereas Coverdell accounts limit contributions to $2,000 per beneficiary per year, 529 plans typically allow much higher lifetime contribution limits in excess of $200,000 per beneficiary in many states. t No income restrictions: Unlike Coverdells, 529 plans generally do not impose income limits that restrict the abiilty of higher-income taxpayers to contribute. t No taxes or penalties: Moving assets from a Coverdell to a 529 does not trigger taxes or penalties.

tax benefits offered by the state’s plan. Withdrawals used for qualified expenese are federally tax free. Tax treatment at the state leval may vary.

2Government bonds and Treasury bills are guaranteed by the U.S. governmane as to the timely payment of principal and interest, and, if held to maturity, offered a fixed rate of return and fixed principal value.

Prior to investing in a 529 Plan investors should consider whether the investor’s or designated beneficviary’s home state offers any state tax or other benefits that are only available for investments in such state’s qualified tuition program. Withdrawals used for qualified expenses are federally tax free. Tax treatment at the state level may vary. Please consult with your tax advisor before investing associated with the municipal fund securities carefully before investing. “Investors should consider the investment objectives, risks, charges and epenses associated witht he municipal fund securities carefully before investing. The issuer’s official statement contains his and other information about the investment. You can obtain an official statement from you financial representative. read careful before investing.

But there are also some drawbacks. Keep in mind that Coverdells and 529 plans are still relatively new, so legal and procedural precedents for specific strategies may not be well established yet. Since the funds in a Coverdell are owned by the © 2011 Mcgraw-Hill Financial Communications. All rights reserved.

Tracking # 1-024477

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let’s see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty...scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with,

a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their... “Fred,” Martha says aloud. “What?” says Fred, startled. “Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so...”(She breaks down, sobbing.) “What?” says Fred. “I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.” “There’s no horse?” says Fred. “You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says. “No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. “It’s just that...it’s that I...I need some time,” Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says. “What way?” says Fred. “That way about time,” says Martha. “Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) “Thank you, Fred,” she says. “Thank you,” says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?” And that’s the difference between men and women.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Full of Hot Air A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.” She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.” “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.” The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.” “I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.

House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Kerry, with George W. Bush and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Cheney leans over and pulls him out. Then George W. Busy and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope says to the men, “I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their hour of need. You have my blessings.” The pope packs off and drives out of site. Bush asks, “Who was that?” “That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. Leader of the Catholic Church,” says Cheney. Bush says, “Well, that’s all neat and fine, but he doesn’t know anything about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up?”

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White

Continuing the Mission ZLWK D 1HZ %HJLQQLQJ Hope Pregnancy Centers of Brazos Valley is entering our 30th year of ministry and service. Yet, even with this long history, we are also going through extensive change and a new beginning. On October 30, 2014, Hope purchased the building located at 4112 E. 29th Street in Bryan - the building formally owned by Planned Parenthood. It is an amazing story and the answer to many prayers by many people over many years. The decision to acquire the property was not made lightly and the purchase process was a long one. But as we moved forward a clear vision for our future emerged, especially as we started to rethink Hope. What could we do with the additional space that we are not doing or doing well now? What would expand our outreach? What would engage women (and their partners) before they faced a crisis pregnancy? For many pregnancy medical centers across the county the answer to these questions has been to offer sexually transmitted disease (STD) testing and treatment services. This made sense, as there is a need in the Brazos Valley area for these services. It would expand our reach beyond those women who thought they were pregnant to those who are sexually active. We would be able to share the gospel and God’s plan for sex within marriage. We could discuss abstinence as a lifestyle with someone before they were pregnant and facing a difficult decision. As this vision continued to develop, others were seeing wonderful possibilities. Drs. Haywood Robinson and Noreen Johnson have long been friends of Hope Pregnancy Center. As we discussed the STD clinic, a plan emerged for their practice, Brazos Medical Associates, to co-locate with us on 29th Street. They would provide the medical services we needed and share in the expense of operating the building, thereby lowering our own costs. Eager to get started, Drs. Robinson and Johnson graciously agreed to give up their Friday afternoons to come to our College Station location for a pilot STD clinic. We learned how to work together, developed protocols and gained valuable experi-

ence. One critical need for the pilot program was a vendor to process the lab work. As options were evaluated, we learned Dr. Stuart Quartemont, who is well-known for ministry work in Africa and here at home, had just opened a new local lab and would be willing to handle our lab work at a competitive price. In addition, he was very interested in co-locating with us once we acquired the Bryan building. God had now brought together the components needed for a successful faith-based, Kingdomminded clinic. However, He had not finished filling the building that would be transformed to His glory. He had one more occupant in mind. The 40 Days for Life organization will have office space and soon will have a minority ownership position. We are now in the process of remodeling and refreshing the building. We are eager to open soon, but as always it seems like this kind of work takes a little longer than expected. The end of March looks like a possible start date. But the building is getting a new look as the gate and fence are gone and the exterior is sporting a fresh coat of paint. So as Paul Harvey would say, “Now you know the REST of the story.” A story centering on the purchase of a building and that is just what it is – a building. As a building, it is neither evil nor good. It has no power in itself to hurt or to heal. It is our desire this building not to be remembered for its past, but known for the good work preformed there going forward. It is our prayer for those who come through it’s doors that the gospel of Christ will be shared and they will find hope, help and healing; which can only come through the shed blood of Christ. About Hope: Hope Pregnancy Center of the Brazos Valley is a faithbased, non-profit 501(c)(3) organization providing a safe and confidential refuge for those in crisis. Services (all of which are free) include pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, peer counseling, parenting and life skills classes, and material aid based on an “earn while you learn” system. STD testing and treatment will be available soon. By Tracy Frank, Executive Director Hope Pregnancy Center of Brazos Valley

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Firing The Slacker Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?” From across the room came a voice: “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

New Beginnings by JoAn Majors (Cont’d) next step in our journey is the only sure way to travel these days. I encourage you to consider the same, it makes the bumps in the road more acceptable. It is my hope that today wherever you are in your journey, whatever new beginning you might be facing that this will somehow encourage you to look to Him for the attitude you’ll need to face the good and perplexing times with grace and clarity. It can’t be about how you are going to look to others or appear weak or less than perfect. It must be about how He will use this, your new beginning to serve another.

Things Actually Said in Court

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you serious?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis,

does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

And the best for last? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Spring Garden Favorites by Sharon Ann Laffere

Slice the squash, zucchini, peppers, and carrots into matchstick pieces. Toss with olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place the vegetables in a single layer on a baking sheet and roast at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. Boil the pasta according to the package directions, al dente. Drain the pasta.

Cut the cherry tomatoes in half. Add the tomatoes and roasted vegetables to the pasta. Toss and serve. Enjoy!

After a long winter, spring is finally here. It’s the perfect time to share favorite recipes straight from the garden to the table. The first recipe features tomatoes, which are a great source of vitamin C and lycopene. Tomatoes are delicious and nutritious and easily grown in gardens or containers. The second recipe is a great way to incorporate a variety of your garden vegetables. Choose your favorites and enjoy with family and friends.

If you have a great family recipe that you would like to share, please submit to Front Porch Magazine . 301 E Hwy 21 Caldwell, TX 77836

BAKED ZITI 1 lb. ziti 2 c. ricotta 2 tomatoes, diced 2 c. marinara 1 c. shredded mozzarella ½ c. Parmesan cheese Cook ziti al dente (one minute less than the instructions on the package). In a baking dish, layer half of the ziti, 1 cup ricotta, 1 diced tomato, and 1 cup marinara. Repeat layers. Top with mozzarella. Cover and bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Uncover and bake an additional 10 minutes. Sprinkle with Parmesan before serving. Visit www.artistspotlight1.blogspot.com for Mom’s marinara recipe.

PASTA PRIMAVERA 1 lb. whole wheat farfalle (bow tie pasta) 1 yellow squash 1 zucchini 1 red bell pepper 1 yellow bell pepper 1 orange bell pepper 3 carrots 1 pint cherry tomatoes Olive oil Sea salt & pepper

Begin Spring in a Healthy and Vibrant Way! by Dr. Kia Parsi The theme for this edition of Front Porch magazine is new beginnings. The Spring season is an excellent time to think of new beginnings or changes in our lives to improve our health. The following are suggestions to help improve one’s wellness and health. 1. Spend time outside with nature. Studies show that sunlight and exposure to greenery helps improve one’s mood, decrease depression, and produce natural endorphins, the “feel good hormones” our bodies make. In addition, more Americans have been found to have vitamin D deficiency than ever before. We need sun exposure for our body to convert Vitamin D it its active form, and vitamin D is important for bone strength and health. A great thinker once said “ The city is the home of the body, but the countryside is the home of the soul.” Being around nature can help one think about and reflect on his or her life 2. Increase your amount of physical activity every day. National organizations recommend one hour of physical activity daily. But even 15 to 30 minutes additional physical activity a day is good for the body. If you have not been physically active for a while, it is important to start slowly to build up physical endurance, and if you have significant medical problems it is best to discuss your exercise plan with your physician. Daily exercise helps with weight loss and prevents and controls chronic medical problems such as Diabetes, Hypertension, and Osteoarthritis. By starting slow but being consistent with a daily exercise regimen one is less likely to get injuries that prevent further activity. I recommend that my patients find some kind of activity that they have easy access to and enjoy. I personally do not enjoy jogging, but I love playing tennis. You need to find the right activity that suits you. The evidence showing benefits of regular exercise is abundant. Not only is daily exercise good for the heart, it is good for the rest of the body, especially the brain. One recent study looking at identical twins, i.e. people with identical genetic makeup, found that those with regular exercise had healthier appearing brains on MRI scans. 3. Think positively, and spend time with those who also think positively. The age old adage to think of “the glass half full” has its merits. Research has shown that those with a positive outlook in life are less likely to have heart disease for example, and when a person does have a serious illness such as a heart attack having an upbeat mood and outlook decreases the chances of complications. 4. Befriend someone in need. Helping another person is

not only good for the person you are helping, but is also good for you. We are all inherently made to feel good when we are of service to others. It is ironic, but living in a smaller community versus a large city often enables us to have a large circle of friends because of how interlinked our lives often are. We see our neighbors or coworkers at the grocery store, during church services, and at local restaurants; our kids play in the same sports league and go to the same schools. This interconnectedness gives us all opportunity to be available as a helpful friend in times of difficulty. These four suggestions can be integral in helping one begin the Spring in a healthy and vibrant way. I hope you can find them useful in the months ahead! Dr. Kia Parsi graduated from Baylor College of Medicine and completed his family medicine residency in Phoenix, Arizona. He has been married for 24 years to his wife, Catherine. He has twins who are seniors in high school and an eight year old son. Dr. Parsi has been working in Burleson County for over 16 years as a Family Physician employed by St. Joseph. He is currently at the Caldwell Healthpoint-St. Joseph Clinic working alongside Dr. Kristel Leuber and Kimberly Glidewell P.A.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Strange Beggar Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.” The beggar behind the ‘Star of David’ listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”

We hope you enjoy the jokes you read in the Front Porch. If you have any jokes you would like to share, please email them to imagemaker@airplexus.com. Dying Preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?” The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

Jake

The Snake King snakes are beneficial. They are harmless, eat rodents, and kill poisonous snakes. Some of the farmers used to put them in their barns or corncribs, to control rats. Papa, my mama’s daddy, brought one home to guard our crib. He named him Jake. Papa lectured us on the advantages of having the reptilian rattrap. He warned that dire consequences would befall any person who harmed Jake. So began a sad saga that would end in merciless murder. Mama’s opinion was that a good snake was one that had some distance between his head and body. She said, I’d rather have a wheel barrow full of rats than to have a snake.” When papa would brag on Jake’s efficiency, mama, always behind his back, would make vigorous chopping motions with an imaginary hoe. Women folks aren’t snake friendly—even with friendly snakes. From time to time I would spy Jake lounging in the crib, often with a rat sized belly bulge. He maintained the same address for about two years, and developed into a shiny, beautiful animal. In the spring of 1952 papa went on vacation with one of his sons. His parting instructions to me were to keep fresh water out for Jake, and not let anything happen to him. A few days after papa left I was shucking corn, but not fast enough to suit mama. She came to check on my progress, or lack thereof. She brought a hoe with her. “Just in case,” she said. We were almost finished with the scratchy, itchy job when I spotted Jake sliding across a partition that separated the crib into two sections. I began to pray that mama would not see him. The Lord didn’t smile on Jake. Mama let out a squall like a mad moose and grabbed the hoe. This weapon of war proved more deadly than a heat-seeking missile. Jake was at a distinct disadvantage. His only defense was—well, he didn’t have a defense. He stared at me with unblinking eyes as if to say, “Papa said for you to protect me.” But I knew I was no match for a frenzied female armed for Armageddon. I opted for self-preservation, abandoned Jake, and shamefully turned away. The hoe sounded like a stuttering machine gun. Small flying snake parts peppered me. I collected the remnants of Jake’s remains and buried them in

the garden. Mama said, “Now there’s a good snake for you.” She made veiled threats as to what would happen to a boy who ratted on her about killing the rat killer. Papa returned from his vacation and, before he set his suitcase down, asked about Jake. I said, “I ain’t seen Jake but once since you left.” I saw no reason to tell him that he had been filleted into tiny bloody pieces when I last saw him.

Mama’s opinion was that a good snake was one that had some distance between his head and body. After several days of fretting about what could have happened to his pet, he came in one day and announced, “Now I know what happened to Jake.” Mama froze over the dough board, where she was making biscuits. My heart began to jack hammer. I developed ill feelings toward our dog, assuming she had dug up the mangled corpse. Papa said, “I found a nest in the crib with 10 or 12 baby snakes hatching out. Jake was a female; she laid her eggs and left. We’ll have plenty of king snakes now.” Mama looked faint and appeared to be on the outskirts of a nervous breakdown,. Jake was a gender bender who was really Jane.

by Neal Beard, a retired pastor living in Douglasville, Georgia. He writes history / humor about the rural northwest Georgia community where he grew up in the 40s and 50s.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 “Chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.) Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

Snippets of A Doctor’s Daughter by Polly Williams

“NO!” “I don’t want to practice the piano” Oh oh, I knew I was in trouble, sassing back at Mother. I ran and hid in the rabbit cage out in the garage. Two hours later older brother told on me and I was taken to my bedroom and Daddy spanked me with his 2-inch leather razor strap. All the while he was spanking me and me crying I remember telling him, “Daddy, I know you don’t want to do this but Mommy made you.” It was the early 1950’s. I was so proud of my welts on my back legs I showed them off at school the next day in the girl’s washroom. “Daddy, is there anything I can take that would make me a good mommy?” Sitting on the toilet seat watching Daddy lather up with shaving cream, sharpening his straight razor on the leather razor strap, I remember Daddy telling me, “Take magnesium.” Years later when I married, my husband was a young farm boy educated to be a minister. I found great encouragement from him, bible study and prayer. I finally forgave my mother for emotional neglect and abandonment. I learned to love the sinner but not the sin. I knew my father loved me but he was working morning to night and out on night calls providing for a wife, 3 children, a mother-in-law, a care taker and a house keeper. Sadly to say I had no concept of a work ethic. Materially I was taken care of. Living in a ranch-style home of the 50’s, heated floors, heated garage floor, a huge recreation room, bathroom of maroon-grey glass tile, maroon tub, sink and toilet. I had no idea the wealth I grew up in. Flash forward 25 years, husband and I were expecting our first baby. I was feeling inadequate and scared to be a mother. My relationship with my mother was poor at the best. Her expectations of her daughter being a debutant failed. I was more of a tomboy than a girly girl. Dressing me in the latest style wasn’t accepted by my peers. Being seen but not heard was the rule in our home. Mother, being an alcoholic, sitting in a cushioned overstuffed chair, smoking Camels, drinking a highball, listening to Wayne King, coming home from school I entertained myself in my bedroom playing jacks, putting paper dolls together, reading from our encyclopedias and day dreaming. Often I’d take my wooden swing seat with long chains and climb over the neighbor’s fence and head to their grove to find a tree with branches I would swing from. At the 50th class reunion much discussion centered around how ‘all’ of us felt bad about our lives because: dad was the janitor, or the butcher or only had a car or we had to walk to school, etc. I thought everyone had a bathroom, but some farm kids still had the outside outhouse or privy! I was so ashamed to learn how poor my classmates were. So many of the farm guys were super stars in sports. I realized not too long ago that may have been the only bright spot in their life. They’d have to get up early to do chores, wear maybe one or two choices in clothes, attend school, return home to do chores. Chores being scooping out manure from hog and cow pens, cleaning out chicken houses, milking cows. Many classmates were envious of me because of my clothes or because I had a 1957 yellow Chevy convertible! Many times before I could drive home the tires had to be fixed because someone let the air out of them. I think mother must have thought I ought to have a car. It sure didn’t help making friends. Soon the car was sold.

Fast forward about 26 years when I was widowed and raising our 3 sons. I was reintroduced to my early baby sitter. Katherine met me at the local care. “Before we get talking, Katherine, I need to know, did my mother love me?” With tears in her eyes Katherine answered, “Yes, but she didn’t know how to show it.” She also told me during Farmer’s Days the family hid in the attic for fear the gypsies would kidnap me to force father to give them heroine. This was in the 1940’s. I was the blue-eyed, blond haired daughter. When I had remarried after 11 years of being a widow, raising 3 little boys and attending nursing school, I was attending a funeral on my 2nd husband’s side, I sat next to a very elderly woman. I introduced myself and she replied: “Oh, I knew your Dad when he was first doctoring.” I was so surprised I asked her if she could tell me anything of those early years. She told me the following story: “One morning Doc was over to the telephone office where I worked and took night calls for him to check on. He was walking slow and shoulders were sagging. “What’s the matter, doctor?” I asked him. He replied, “I have to go and marry this woman or else she will sue me for jilting her.” The era was the early 1930’s. The funeral service started then and I lost track of this woman but reconnected with her several years later and she confirmed the story. In finding a hand-written account of my dad’s early life and doctoring years after his death, this was also confirmed in his own hand writing. My dad and mother met at a hospital while he was interning and she taking nurse’s training courses. After the six months training he returned home and finished his studies. Mother was raised by a matronly woman whose husband abandoned her. So mother was raised with a dislike for men. But her mother cleaned a doctor’s home whom my mother often was in waiting for her mother to finish work. I think my mother thought marring a doctor would give her beautiful things and set out to marry a doctor. The hardest thing I have had to learn in being a doctor’s daughter is to be thankful. For my mother I am thankful she made me practice the piano. I now play for two churches. I am thankful mother taught me to sew. I sewed many clothes for my sons and now am mending farm clothes and darning socks. I am thankful my mother didn’t abort me. She didn’t want children. Father had to give her things: car, fur coat, new home to bear at least 3 children. I am thankful Father took the family fishing north during the late 1940’s and early 50’s, I am thankful to Father to sending me to college, not sure why, but there I met my future minister/husband, which will be another story! Polly is a doctor’s daughter, pastor’s wife, mother of 3 sons, farmer’s wife and widow, completed her RN degree at the age of 40. Her desire now is to submit inspirational stories of her life.

New Beginnings Quotes “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks and then starting on the first one.” ~ Mark Twain~ “The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.” ~ Steve Jobs~ “You will never win if you never begin.” ~ Helen Rowland~ “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr. “Do not go where the path may lead, Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail...” ~Emerson~ “We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new ending.” ~Zig Ziglar~ “If you meet someone who has no smile, Give them one of yours.” ~Dan Zadra~

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused... "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said,"God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, Life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paulo Coehlo~ “You can’t start the new chapter of your life If you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown! While you wake up today, someone is breathing their last breath

THANK GOD FOR ANOTHER DAY. Don’t waste it. ~Unknown~

The

Empty Easter Egg Jeremy was born with a twisted body and a slow mind. At the age of 12, he was still in second grade, seemingly unable to learn. His teacher, Doris Miller, often became exasperated with him. He would squirm in his seat, drool, and make grunting noises. At other times, he spoke clearly and distinctly, as if a spot of light had penetrated the darkness of his brain. Most of the time, however, Jeremy just irritated his teacher. One day she called his parents and asked them to come in for a consultation. As the Forresters entered the empty classroom, Doris said to them, “Jeremy really belongs in a special school. It isn’t fair to him to be with younger children who don’t have learning problems. Why, there is a five-year gap between his age and that of the other students.” Mrs. Forrester cried softly into a tissue, while her husband spoke. “Miss Miller,” he said,”there is no school of that kind nearby. It would be a terrible shock for Jeremy if we had to take him out of this school. We know he really likes it here.” Doris sat for a long time after they had left, staring at the snow outside the window. Its coldness seemed to seep into her soul. She wanted to sympathize with the Forresters. After all, their only child had a terminal illness. But it wasn’t fair to keep him in her class. She had 18 other youngsters to teach, and Jeremy was a distraction. Furthermore, he would never learn to read and write. Why waste any more time trying? As she pondered the situation, guilt washed over her. Here I am she thought. Lord, please help me to be more patient with Jeremy. From that day on, she tried hard to ignore Jeremy’s noises and his blank stares. Then one day, he limped to her desk, dragging his bad leg behind him. “I love you, Miss Miller!” he exclaimed, loud enough for the whole class to hear. The other students snickered, and Doris’ face turned red. She stammered, “Wh--why that’s very nice, Jeremy. N--now please take your seat.” Spring came, and the children talked excitedly about the coming of Easter. Doris told them the story of Jesus, and then to emphasize the idea of new life springing forth, she gave each of the children a large plastic egg. “Now,” she said to them, “I want you to take this home and bring it back tomorrow with something

inside that shows new life. Do you understand?” “Yes, Miss Miller,” the children responded enthusiastically --all except for Jeremy. He listened intently; his eyes never left her face. He did not even make his usual noises. Had he understood what she had said about Jesus’ death and resurrection? Did he understand the assignment? Perhaps she should call his parents and explain the project to them. That evening, Doris’ kitchen sink stopped up. She called the landlord and waited an hour for him to come by and unclog it. After that, she still had to shop for groceries, iron a blouse, and prepare a vocabulary test for the next day. She completely forgot about phoning Jeremy’s parents. The next morning, 19 children came to school, laughing and talking as they placed their eggs in the large wicker basket on Miss Miller’s desk. After they completed their math lesson, it was time to open the eggs. In the first egg, Doris found a flower. “Oh yes, a flower is certainly a sign of new life,” she said. “When plants peek through the ground, we know that spring is here.” A small girl in the first row waved her arm. “That’s my egg, Miss Miller,” she called out. The next egg contained a plastic butterfly, which looked very real. Doris held it up. “We all know that a caterpillar changes and grows into a beautiful butterfly. Yes, that’s new life too.” Little Judy smiled proudly and said, “Miss Miller, that one is mine.” Next, Doris found a rock with moss on it. She explained that moss, too, showed life. Billy spoke up from the back of the classroom, “My Daddy helped me,” he beamed. Then Doris opened the fourth egg. She gasped. The egg was empty. Surely it must be Jeremy’s she thought, and of course, he did not understand her instructions. If only she had not forgotten to phone his parents. Because she did not want to embarrass him, she quietly set the egg aside and reached for another. Suddenly, Jeremy spoke up. “Miss Miller, aren’t you going to talk about my egg?” Flustered, Doris replied, “But Jeremy, your egg is empty.” He looked into her eyes and said softly, “Yes, but Jesus’ tomb was empty, too.” Time stopped. When she could speak again, Doris asked him, “Do you know why the tomb was empty?” “Oh, yes,” Jeremy said, “Jesus was killed and put in there. Then His Father raised Him up.” The recess bell rang. While the children excitedly ran out to the schoolyard, Doris cried. The coldness inside her melted completely away. Three months later, Jeremy died. Those who paid their respects at the mortuary were surprised to see 19 eggs on top of his casket, all of them were empty.

Backbone or Jawbone (Cont’d) know I am not really for this and I am going to sit this one out.” God said “No.” “But Lord I know you will let me off because when something else comes along that I can support – I will be really involved, but not this. God said, ‘No, this is my vision for the church now.’ ‘But Lord, I want a holiday from this one. ‘And God said to me, ‘If I don’t need you now, I won’t ever need you.’ ‘And I said ‘God, I am the backbone of this church.’ ‘And God said, ‘You are not the backbone, you are the jawbone. So hush; stop being negative; and get to work on my vision.’ ‘That’s why I went into the Pastor’s office the next day and said that I wanted to be involved. “God has allowed me to make a new beginning. Other than my salvation this has been the greatest spiritual experience of my life. I like the quote that Del shared with me when I told him

of my regret for my negative actions in the past: Del quoted a line that went like this: ‘You cannot go back and make a brand new start, my friend. But you can begin today and make a brand new end.’ God has allowed me to make a new beginning, and blessed me with another opportunity to be a part of something really big for Him. It will be a wonderful new ending. I have renewed my love for the Lord and His church and have committed to give above and beyond my perceived ability – going to that higher level of sacrifice. For me it has been an adventure into the land of beginning again.” The rest of the story: He made the largest 3 year commitment and the largest “First Fruits” cash offering in the campaign. God allowed him to give significantly more over the 3 years than he had committed – even though he thought that first commitment would take incredible sacrifice. God blessed his new beginning. The people followed his lead and allowed God to lead them, bless them, and give through them more than enough for the total relocation and the church was debt free after two – 3 year Stewardship Enrichment campaigns. What about you? Are you the backbone or the jawbone of your church? Whatever your past, you can go on an exciting spiritual adventure of beginning again. Del Rogers, Sr., founder and CEO of the Rogers Company is a recognized authority on successful fund raising for churches, ministries and personal stewardship growth for individual Christians.

Donâ€™t Mess With Momma

My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, what's taught by Mr. Wright? It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights." It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair. No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.

And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch." Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time. We're having liver and onions, favorite dish of mine. He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?" "Sorry... but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car. I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead. All the C.S.D. requires is a roof for over your head.

I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want, And pierce my tongue & nose. I can read & watch just what I like, and get tattoos from head to toes. And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime. I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch me, My body's only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse. Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, and it's illegal too! Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me, or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C.S.D. Of course, my first instinct was to toss him out the door. But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more. I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go. A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro. The next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store. I told him,"Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore. I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs. And I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test. The C.S.D. is unconcerned, so I'll decide what's best. I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.

Your clothing won't be trendy now, and I'll choose what we eat. That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat. I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades. Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," it's in effect today! Hey hot shot, are you crying, and why are you on your knees? Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D.? Author Unknown

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Flight Attendant Announcements Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with his. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

The Folded Napkins I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn’t sure I wanted one. I wasn’t sure how my customers would react to Stevie. He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn’t worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don’t generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade. The four-wheel drivers were not the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded “truck stop germ”; the pairs of white

carefully bus dishes and glasses onto cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met. Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home.

shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie, so I closely watched him for the first few weeks. I shouldn’t have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot. After that, I really didn’t care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place. Not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table. Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and

That’s why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work. He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often had heart problems at an early age so this wasn’t unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months. A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine. `Frannie, headwaitress, let out a war whoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of the 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table. Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look. He grinned. “OK, Frannie, what was that all about?” he asked. “We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay.”

The Folded Napkins (Cont’d) “I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?” Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie’s surgery, then sighed: “Yeah, I’m glad he is going to be OK” she said. “But I don’t know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they’re barely getting by as it is.” Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables. Since I hadn’t had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn’t want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do. After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face. “What’s up?” I asked. “I didn’t get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off,” she said. “This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup.” She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed “Something For Stevie.” “Pony Pete asked me what that was all about,” she said, “so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this.” She handed me another paper napkin that had “Something For Stevie” scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: “truckers.” That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work. His placement counselor said he’s been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn’t matter at all that it was a holiday. He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that

his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work, met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back. Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn’t stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting. “Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast,” I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. “Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!” I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room. I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins. “First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess,” I said. I tried to sound stern. Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had “Something for Stevie” printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table. Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother. “There’s more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. “Happy Thanksgiving.” Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well. But you know what’s funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired.

Reishi Mushroom Power - The Plant of Immortality Suzy Cohen, RPh www.DearPharmacist.com People call me “America’s Most Trusted Pharmacist®” because I’ve been a licensed pharmacist for over 22 years and I am able to share the pros and cons of medication use as well as offer natural substitutions for most any of your health concerns. While I pride myself in ‘thinking outside the pill’ let me just say that I am still very proud to wear my white coat because I realize that there is a time and place for medications. We need to consider all of our options, and often, a combination is best. I’ve spent the last 13 years writing a syndicated column called “Dear Pharmacist” which focus on health and explores the use of natural supplements, as well as the safe use of medications if you are taking them. This has been printed in many newspapers nationwide.

I asked an elderly Japanese friend why she looks so young for her age. She said she drinks tea made with reishi mushrooms. The Chinese name for reishi mushrooms is ling zhi, meaning “plant of immortality.” These medicinal mushrooms have a history of safety that goes back at least 2,000 years. In my world, any herb that’s been used continually for centuries deserves respect from modern medical science as opposed to snide comments as if it’s “snake oil.” Mushrooms and fungi with incredible healing powers are now starting to gain attention from integrative physicians as well as folks who choose to self-treat after modern medicine fails them. The studies are simply undeniable. Right now there are more than 800 scientific studies (!) on reishi mushrooms on file in the National Institutes of Health’s database. According to some well-designed animal and human trials, reishi extracts offers potential support for cardiovascular issues, infectious disease, liver detoxification, arthritis pain, asthma and other respiratory and immune system disorders. Basically head to toe coverage. Overseas, it’s common for cancer patients to willingly fork over the considerable expense for these medicinal mushrooms, and unlike the United States, health plans often cover the treatment. It’s perspective. You see, back when they were gathered from the wild, these mushrooms were considered rare and valuable. Now that they are cultivated commercially, reishi is relatively less expensive and readily available at health food stores nationwide. Real mushrooms like the one I cook in my video below, are expensive. I paid about $25 for that one. Granted the man at Home Depot sawed it in half so I technically got 2 servings for my $25 but you see my point, it’s pricey stuff. And then again, is it? I mean, is it pricey if you think about the anti-cancer and antimicrobial effect? For me, it’s the price I pay for good health. If reishi has even half of the healing and disease-preventing power that traditional Asian healers claim for it, one could easily see why it would be considered a longevity herb and part of your anti-aging arsenal. Let’s get to the good stuff Studies have shown that reishi can help improve cholesterol ratios and control blood sugar. Just look at all the benefits:

Anti-inflammatory - Antihistamine - Antiviral - Antibacterial Improves cholesterol ratios - Modulates immune function Adrenal adaptagen - Thyroid stimulating (mild) Improves mood Reishi is fabulous during the winter season. It gently stimulates your thyroid gland to make a little bit more thyroid hormone and that helps with energy and weight. Thyroid is imperative for healthy hair growth. (For more information on thyroid you should read my book, Thyroid Healthy.) There are many anti-cancer assertions, based upon studies on immune function. Here’s where things get really interesting. One study done in Puerto Rico, published in the medical journal Nutrition and Cancer found that reishi has the ability to stunt the growth and spread of inflammatory breast cancer (IBC) cells. The study was done in test tubes on the cells themselves, not in living humans. Now, take into account that naturopathic physicians have already experienced some success in treating this fast-growing form of breast cancer. And researcher and Professor Michelle Martinez Montemayor, Ph.D (who conducted the study) came to this conclusion: Don’t be afraid. By that I mean, chat with your practitioner. If you don’t get satisfaction, print this column and take it in. Print up a study on pubmed related to your condition. If you have cancer, of any kind, I’d absolutely knock the door down to discuss reishi as an adjunctive treatment with your oncologist! I take reishi supplements on and off throughout the year just for good health.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Speeding Pope

The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a handlettered sign that says, "Pope." After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limoand His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive." "That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta. "There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. "Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. "Oh, my gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver. The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch. When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop. "All the more reason." "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop. "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger." "Governor." "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" "I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

Bringing Home the Bacon by Matthew Renner

The Boars of Texas Hog Hunting Competition, based in Caldwell, TX, is now in its fifth year of operation and has been growing bigger and better with each and every hunt. This year there were 170 contestants, making up 43 teams, who hunted across the state of Texas for their chance at big payouts, buckles, and of course bragging rights. Teams were tasked with hunting down, and capturing live, as many of these free-ranging feral hogs as they could within a specified time period. Sounds simple enough, the only catch is that they were only permitted to use their hunting dogs and their own two hands to do so. Contestants had from the start of the hunt (5pm on Friday, January 30) until they had to be in line at the Burleson County Fairgrounds with their quarries in tow by no later than twelve noon on the following Sunday. If you’re counting at home, that is a grand total of only forty-three possible hours to hunt, track down, and catch as many qualifying wild hogs as possible while still finding time to eat, drink, and maybe even rest an hour or two in between. Although teams could bring in as many wild hogs as they’d like, a minimum weight of fifty pounds had to be reached for any one wild hog to count and only the total weight of up to the team’s top five heaviest live hogs would determine their overall rank in the competition. The first place team was Duck Creek (Marc McKelvey, JD Gooch, Wynne Breeden JR, Austin Piske) from the Kosse area, who won the competition with a 1326 pound total for their top five heaviest hogs, and also took the ‘Largest Sow’ side pot with an impressive 324 pound hog. They left with $5000 in prize money and some brand new 2015 Boars of Texas Hog Hunt buckles. Second place went to J.J.C.H. Hog Dogs (Jeremy Kadleck, Josh Baros, Cale Applegate, Henry Heller) from the Smithville area, who’s top five

hogs totaled 1155 pounds. They went home with a total of $3000. Third place went to team Stanky Boyz (Kendall Clayton, Jordan Melton, Jay Grayson, Joe Carter) from the Milano area. They just narrowly missed second place with their heaviest five hogs weighing in at 1150 pounds. $2000 was awarded to them for their third place win. Straight Up Hog Hunting (Doug Bass, Heath Wiktorik, Ronnie Kamper, Dalton Kamper), from the Brenham area, took ‘Largest Boar’ with a weight of 303 pounds as well as the ‘Longest Stringer’ side pot with twenty-five qualifying hogs weighed in. Side pots paid $1000 each, so Straight Up Hog Dogs left with $2000 as well. There were a number of other great prizes awarded to contestants through the Free Hunter Raffle too. Items ranging from cut vests to coolers were donated by Wild Boar USA, River Bottom Trackers, Double U Hunting Supply, Houndsmen Magazine, and Citizens State Bank. On top of that, all contestants who checked in at the hunt also received complimentary Boars of Texas Hog Hunt caps. The Relay For Life concession stand was set up and operated by the Jennings family again this year, who sold record amounts of that great Texas Chaw Sausage which the hunters, along with all of the spectators, enjoyed thoroughly. A special thanks to the Burleson County Fair Association, the Burleson County Chamber of Commerce, Dusty Title with the Texas A&M Agrilife Extension Service, Josh Legg, Jamie Jennings, Charles Lewis, Colton Lewis, and all of the contestants and spectators for their help and continued support of this annual event. For more information on the Boars of Texas Hog Hunting Competition, a list of team standings, weights, and additional photos, visit www.BoarsofTexas.com and www.facebook.com/BoarsofTexas.

Dr. Joe C. Smith (Cont’d) he answered the question “What has art done for your life?” by saying that he got a lot of pleasure from it. That he just enjoyed every bit of it. We, like he, just enjoy his works. Thanks for another worthwhile contribution, Dr. Joe. Dr. Smith: Our country wouldn’t even be here today were it not for the sacrifices of Veterans like you. Thank you for the service to our country. Caldwell and Burleson County owes you a debt of gratitude for your years of selfless service to our care as our doctor. You treated thousands, delivered countless babies, and saved many lives. Thank you for your sacrifices. And thank you for sharing your artistic talents. (This is an edited article. For a copy of the complete article by Linda Jannett Chamberlain, please contact Front Porch Magazine. 979-567-7871)

5 Most Powerful Antioxidant Herbs Spices are a rich source of polyphenols, which means we should all be eating more of them. Polyphenols are powerful antioxidants that neutralize the free radicals formed by constant sun exposure and antimicrobial agents that are plants’ primary defense mechanism against microbiological attack. By ingesting foods that contain high levels of polyphenols, humans boost their immune system, reduce cellular inflammation, and maintain an optimal balance between the good and bad microbes that live in our digestive tracts. Oregano - Best known as the “pizza herb,” oregano has been gaining popularity as a natural remedy for many common health problems. Both fresh and dried oregano leaves have volatile oils with carminative, stomachic, diuretic, diaphoretic, expectorant, antibacterial, antioxidant, antimicrobial and mild tonic properties. Oregano is also an excellent source of vitamins and minerals. It is high in vitamins A, C, and E complex, as well as zinc, magnesium, iron, calcium, potassium, copper, manganese and niacin. Rosemary - Flower tea for the breath. Diuretic and liver aid, increases bile flow. Oil of rosemary is a natural anti-oxidant, and stress reliever; sniff for headaches. Chop a double handful of twigs and put in a pint of olive oil for one week, and use as a muscle liniment. Thyme - a great choice if you’re suffering from a cough, mucus congestion, sore throat or bronchitis.

Turmeric - contains the potent anti-inflammatory, antioxidant and anti-cancer polyphenols curcumin and gingerol. It protects against DNA mutation; stimulates enzymes that repair damaged DNA and those that detoxify carcinogens; inhibits tumor formation, growth and migration; discourages the creation of blood vessels that feed cancer; and induces cancer cells to die. Sage - an excellent digestive herb when used for seasoning on meals of rich meats and fowl. The colonists also considered sage a valuable remedy for colds and fevers in the harsh New England winters. There is something very grounding and relaxing about a hot cup of sage tea with lemon, sipped slowly while the winter holds court outside your warm home. The cold and sniffles seem to melt away in the fragrant steam. Sage has excellent antibacterial and astringent properties, which explains it popular use in gargles for sore throats, gingivitis and sore gums. A strong sage tea or tincture diluted with water can be used.

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