Front Porch Magazine

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About the Cover The Days the Road...

100 & Counting From Us To You Spotlight on Burleson County Professional Directory Burleson County Oil is Back In God We Trust Thoughts of a US Marine Something to Sneeze At Choosing the Low Road The Olive Branch The Road Not to Take Kids Observe Life The Birdies The Good Thing Harvey Washed Away Oh...But That’s Not All Which One Should I Take?

The Road Not Taken Poppy Seed Kolaches The Fair is Over...Now What?

The Road Best Traveled Planning the Withdrawal...Assets Mama, Don’t Yell Be Not Conformed ‘31 Chevy Breaking Down the Old Outhouse How to Age with Humor Crabby Old Man RU4TX Why Would I Ever Sell Oil and Gas Rights Somerville on the Grow KGID 96.3 FM Get a Hot Bod To Be A Movie Star

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The days

the roads less traveled WERE FLOODED with

Kindness What mother nature destroyed as “HARVEY” couldn’t stop the human nature of compassion.

W

hen Robert Frost wrote about taking a road less traveled and it making a difference…he couldn’t have imagined that the roads flooded with kindness would literally emanate from the many flooded roads following Harvey’s roll through Texas. This issue’s theme was an exciting one to write about because it is always nice to write a piece about something positive in the first place and especially following tragedy. This is that piece, the one that as my hands touched the keyboard a smile came across my face thinking about how I would be only limited by time and space in the magazine not stories worthy of repeating.

The numerous random acts of kindness are proof of our true Texas spirit evidenced by our willingness to do for others for no other reason than the simple fact that we can.

Weathermen said for days the storm would be one like we had not seen since September of 1961 when Carla, a category 5, barreled into the Texas coast. I was born that year and remember my parents and older siblings telling stories about leaving Houston and taking cover. I had never really thought much about it until the news continued comparing Harvey to the storm in ‘61.

Although when Harvey struck, it quickly devastated homes, businesses, automobiles, and lives and had an effect on many of our neighbors, family and friends. The human kindness and compassion took my breathe away.

We have dear friends (really more like family) who live in Kingwood, a suburb of Houston, who left Thursday the 24th of August for Wisconsin to celebrate the 90th birthday of his dad. While they had not dreamed it would have happened so quickly, they changed flights to get back to Houston Saturday evening and woke Sunday morning to find the water only feet from their front door. The family managed to move as much as they could upstairs and away.

They, in turn, went to stay with another set of friends whose home was fine in their same neighborhood. They like many would sit helplessly and watch the rain continue, and the rivers rise Sunday and Monday. When they were able to get out and around, they both discovered losses: one, a beautiful home, the other, a dental

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practice two doctors and about a dozen women depended on for their living.

Our friends’ once beautiful home had taken on over four feet of water, while the friends who hosted them lost a dental practice to more of the same. When I spoke to her after they could finally return on Thursday, so many neighbors (some they knew some they did not) were there helping them literally empty drawers of clothing and other items to try and see what might be saved. She shared with me how wonderful it was that neighbors had returned clothing and other items laundered and cleaned. In a rent house now for six months to rebuild, she sounded so encouraged. Not by the fact that the sheetrock could be replaced, cabinets rebuilt or new furniture purchased, but by the simple fact that there were so many who just showed up to help. These sweet spirited people showed compassion and kindness to so many who had lost so much.

We have patients and friends who have family from Refugio.

This small town where the Linscomb family is from was devastated.

As I spoke with Kali, who had requested toothbrushes to take to the area where her sweetheart, Chase, grew up she seemed so peaceful.

This group from BCS gathered many items from diapers and baby items to toiletries and other necessities to take back to a place near and dear. She too shared a bit about the area and how these random acts of kindness helped so many and the details brought me to tears.

Imagine, a small parking lot next to the HEB, locals would refer to as “Shay Plaza” turning into what we in Texas might refer to as a “cook off ” or some sort of festival due to the amounts of food available to both the people who lost much and those who had just come to help their Texas neighbors. Food trucks from miles away, as well as good and kind people, came with their cookers, smokers and grills to feed the community for many days. People who were not connected to the community committed to it for at least a short time. A group even showed up to offer free flu and tetanus shots for locals and those working in these tough conditions. The true human spirit at its best is what we might most remember.

As I spoke with my friend, Melinda Pertl about her daughter April’s home and what they lost, it hit me. No matter who you are or where you are from, it doesn’t take long to touch someone who

Will you travel the road flooded with kindness or the road of convenience? was affected. There is always a place to give and to help. April and her family live in a subdivision where every home was damaged.

She had gone to school for only a few days in her new position as assistant principal when the evacuation began. She came home to Caldwell with her two sweet girls. Her husband had to be rescued from their home to safety like many we’ve seen on the news. The beautiful part of this is that April, new to a school, didn’t know many of those who came to help. There was so much to do and many to help, yet these were teachers she had not yet become acquainted with, gave their time and energy to one of their own. This is what Melinda shared with me, really more than any news about what April’s family actually lost.

It seemed to be a common theme. Most of those who I spoke with about their losses are speaking mostly to the kindness and compassion shown to them. One of our dental office team members who was trapped in a Stafford Hotel for almost a week, found herself (and her husband) helping others while being stuck away from family, their jobs and home sweet home. At the end of the day, “things” are just that, things, as my friend, Miquette put it so sweetly when we spoke on the phone. Melinda, had almost the exact same thing to say about April and her family being safe and now staying with her sister, Tisha and family. Yes, it’s probably inconvenient, two families under one roof and for who knows how long.

Kali, spoke for Chase, Prentice and the BCS group who went to

help. She shared how special it was to see so many come to help the little town of Refugio, some for no real reason. The question for all of us now is simply Will you travel the road flooded with kindness or the road of convenience?

See you on the road!

JoAn

JoAn Majors is a professional speaker and published author. Her articles have appeared in over 25 national and international magazines and newsletters. She writes articles regularly for many magazines.

She is a devoted wife, mother and grandmother who also supports in the marketing efforts for her husband, Dr. Chuck Majors at MajorSmiles.com. You can learn more at www.joanmajors. com or call 1.866.51.CHOICE.

100 & Counting The white Victorian Cottage on the cover, built in 1906, is the present home of Wanda Owen Shipp. The home with its eight rooms and 2500 square feet provides much room for many endeavors, one of which is arts and craft.

Wanda says that her closet used to be an outside side porch before the 2 car garage was added. Storage abounds: a closet under the stairs, upstairs storage with a cedar closet. And two great bedrooms have doors with etched transoms, while the living room has amazing gingerbread scroll.

All the bedroom doors and closets have beautifully routed moldings. Antique stain glass graces the living and dining rooms, and both are floored with beautiful hardwood. The glass front door is the original. The den slants a little showing it was originally the back porch. The bath has the original claw foot tub.

A favorite room is the country kitchen with its beadboard ceilings 12’, the height of all rooms in the house. Interestingly, the original house was a one story until the 1960s when a 2 car garage was built and a second story great room added on top. Grandchildren enjoyed getting away there.

Wanda and Buddy, her husband of 43 years, moved into the house in 2006, exactly 100 years after the house was built. It was the perfect home for her… and for Buddy. It provided space for Buddy’s trailers which were used in The American Samaritan Fellowship Disaster Relief, his Ministry. Buddy traveled to help after Rita, Ike, and even went overseas to give relief to those who had lost their homes and needed help rebuilding. Buddy died in 2011.

Wanda and Buddy’s home was always shared with family, friends, and people in need. The last 11 years Wanda has opened her house for the Tour Of Homes at Christmas, where people share their memories of people who had lived in the home in the past.

Wanda feels blessed to have three sons and daughters-in-law, and eight grandchildren, who have enjoyed growing up at Mama K and Buddy’s house. In her life, all are welcome at her table. Just settle in and enjoy.

Her front porch is an extension of the house that brings the inside out. Decorating with rocking chairs, a porch swing, plants and just the right lighting makes it an inviting place. Reminiscing, contemplating, or enjoying a Tall glass of Texas Ice Tea. Lots of ice!

Friends and family gather on the porch, and the side porch is the place for a game of checkers, or the place to watch the fireworks, or sink into the hammock. Nothing beats a front porch to watch Texas’ big sky at night.

To end, Wanda says she has been blessed with a great heritage, her husband Buddy Shipp: a loving husband, father, spiritual leader, friend and Samaritan. She’d like to share the quote the family lives by everyday: “Your only limitation is God’s Imagination.”

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rrom om us to you

Editors Note

Dear Readers,

H

ere we are heading into fall. Can you believe this hot summer ended and Harvey came violently with all of its destruction to our Texas coast? And then Irma hit Florida and the Keyes, leaving such devastation...all so tragic.

As we are ending our 17th year of publication, which seems almost impossible to us, we are grateful, especially for readers and advertisers who have been so faithful.

We are ever hopeful that each edition is improved in some way. We want to give you the best in history, humor, health, inspiration, and information. With the idea of giving the best, let us say how much we appreciate our writers. Their writing contributions are invaluable.

We pray your fall is filled with many blessings‌ especially with cooler, even cold weather.

All the Best,

Sincerely Sandi Balcar Publisher Scarlette Taylor Editor and Advertising Manager

S

potlight on

Burleson County’s

Unique Heritage

People in all walks of life influence those around them. In this column, we will be featuring those who have made an impact in our small towns.

Horace Jackson A Man Whose Actions Spoke Volumes

In 1995, Jackson was commissioned by the Burleson County Sheriff ’s Department.

Horace Jackson, lifetime resident of Burleson County, is certainly a man worthy of spotlighting in this edition of the Front Porch Magazine. Horace’s involvements were many, and his concern for others was always evident.

Horace Jackson III, born to Horace and Marjorie Jackson on July 7, 1957, grew up in Deanville, Texas, with many of his 10 brothers and sisters, and went to school there till Deanville consolidated with Caldwell in the 70’s. He graduated and then attended Ranger Junior College and Blinn Jr College focusing on business administration. These were the formative years for a man who would soon marry and gradually immerse himself in the lives of the citizens of Caldwell.

Working with Danny Condon, Horace learned the plumbing business. Later, in 1981,he started Jackson Plumbing. He was ever the man who was busy…at work, in the city’s involvements, and certainly with his family, and in his faith.

Horace married Vanessa Daniels in 1993,

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and later they became the parents of two wonderful daughters, Ecaroh, and Jabreon.

In 1995, Jackson was commissioned by the Burleson County Sheriff ’s Department. He attended Chonco Valley Regional Law Enforcement Academy for his peace license.

After 1997, he served as peace officer for the Caldwell Police Department.

Vanessa said of Horace that he was always an active person, taking care of things at home, at work, in the community, generally in the lives of other. She tells the story of his coming home late one night.

She said she didn’t question him, and he never said why he was late. But, the next week, the paper had an editiorial from a couple thanking Horac for helping them when they were stranded. Such was the fabric of the man.

Horace was known by many because of all the things he spent his life involved in. He became a member of the Chamber of Commerce in the ‘80s, serving on the board of directors. Later he was on the Board of the Historical Commission, founding the Black Historical Committee. And, a great love of his was

serving Caldwell ISD and the needs there. He served as a District Committee member. He sponsored many related activities, Burleson County Youth Football, Caldwell Little League, Somerville Band Boosters, Girl Scouts, Burleson County Fair, Kolache Festival, Burleson County Cinco De Mayo, and St Joseph Health Center.

Sadly, this devoted husband, father, and community man, began a personal battle with cancer, succumbing to a rare form, Amylidosis, in 2006. At the end of his life, doing even little things was difficult. But, that Can Do Spirit prevailed to the end. One day a friend told Vanessa about his having seen Horace. Vanessa insisted that he was wrong, that Horace was at home, but then he told her that Horace had laid down his motorcycle. Horace continued as long as he could doing and being…what he’d always lived out.

professional directory Air Conditioning-Installation & Repair Reliant Mechanical Weaver’s Refrigeration Attorney at Law Burns Reyes-Burns Automobile Parts-Supplies-Repairs Bud Cross Ford Burleson County Motor Supply dBm Auto Repair Wilde Auto Automobile Sales-Detail Bud Cross Ford Douglass Nissan Milton Hodges -Caldwell Country Banks Citizens State Bank BarBQ Matus BarBQ Beauty Shop Foundations Salon & Spa Beef - Local - All Natural Diamond A Ranch Beef Burleson County Events Fair Association Churches Church of Christ First Baptist City/Civic/Government Offices City of Caldwell City of Somerville Construction C & H Building Construction Copies/Printing/UPS/Fax Service ImageMaker Cosmetics Seacret Country Club Copperas Hollow Dentistry Drgac Dental MajorSmiles Michael K. Reese Rivers Family Dentistry Dozer Services Double O Dozer Hubert Hoyack J7 Service Loehr Dozer Electrical Service Stevenson’s Electrical Feed Faust Farms Homeyer Feed & Supply Fencing Drgac Fencing Financials LPL Financial

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Florist Wine & Roses Funeral Home Phillips & Luckey Gun Shop H&H Hauling In God We Trust Health Care CHI St. Joseph Hospital CHI St. Joseph Skilled Nursing Hemp Oil Insurance Alford Insurance Company Internet Nochnet Livestock & Commission Caldwell Livestock Com. Liquor Store B&C Wine & Spirits Lumber Company Woodson’s Lumber Company Machine Quilting and Embroidery K. Daniels Oil & Gas Hilberling Packer Services Pawn Shop H&H Pest Control Armstrong Pesticide Solutions Photograpy Schuman Photography Plumbing DP Plumbing Real Estate Home & Ranch Real Estate Polansky Realty Real Estate Listings Home & Ranch Restaurants & Catering Golden Chick Lo Nuestro de Mexico Masfajitas Mexican Restaurant Super Donuts Septics Easy Flow Tax Preparers & Advisors Danny Koerth Truck-Auto-Tires-Supplies Burleson County Motor Supply Mitchell Tire Service Wilde Auto Veterinarian BV-MVS Vitamins Roots & Shoots Water Well Drilling Loehr Drilling Co, Inc Welding & Fabricating C&H Welding & Fabrication

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Wine B&C Wine & Spirits Wine & Roses

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60 55 14 54 17 48 68 68 29 49 19 61

SANDI BALCAR & SCARLETTE TAYLOR

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SANDI BALCAR

PUBLISHERS

55 15 8 61 3 27 5 15 26 49 45 57 29 61 47 22 39 9 25 45

LAYOUT & DESIGN EDITOR

SCARLETTE TAYLOR ADVERTISING SALES EDITOR

SCHUMAN PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTOGRAPHER CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

NEAL BEARD SUZY COHEN EDWIN H. COOPER TRACY FRANK ANGELIA GRIFFIN SAM JOHNSON TAMMY KUBECKA SHARON ANN LAFFERE EHLERT DR. KRISTEL LEUBNER, DO JOAN MAJORS DR. JACK MCKEMIE DVM KAVON NOVAK RENITA ODSTRCIL DONNA VARNER PRESNAL DEL ROGERS, SR. CHRISTOPHER ROSAS TONY TAYLOR SCARLETTE TAYLOR EUGENNE THOMPSON POLLY WILLIAMS Phone 979.567.7871 979.567.6753 301 Hwy 21 E Caldwell, TX 77836 www.frontporchmagazine.com The contents of all articles do not represent the views of the Front Porch Magazine. The magazine claims no responsibility for the accuracy of information or content.

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BURLESON COUNTY OIL IS BACK HILBERLING PACKER SERVICES NOW LOCATED IN CALDWELL Michael V. Hilberling is the president of Hilberling Packer Services, Inc. here in Caldwell. His business provides downhole tools for the drilling and completion of oil wells. Michael began working with Haliburton after college at Texas A&M-Kingsville, and quickly learned the ins and outs of the downhole service business. In 1994, he started his own business in Giddings, Texas.

Hilberling Packer provides Completion Packers: Tubing Anchors, Squeeze Equipment, Bridge plugs, both composite and cast iron, and other downhole tools. These are basically specialty tools for production, and occasionally are used when drilling.

Michael and wife, Denise , who has retired from teaching, sold their home in Giddings. Then after purchasing land out of Caldwell, they built their dream retirement home. Michael moved his business here to Caldwell in 2016. He says Hilberling Packer Services, Inc. is a family oriented business. His son Robert does the bookkeeping and attends college as well; his wife , Denise, deals with the financing issues of the company.

Presently Hilberling Packer has five workers including Michael. He actively works with and trains his workers, both in the shop and out in the field. Now there are three tool repair technicians in the shop and two of those work in the field as well. Things are going well in this new facility.

On a personal note, Michael and Denise are members of St Mary’s Catholic Church, where he is on the pastoral council, and is a member of the Knights of Columbus.

They are pleased at the openness and friendliness of the members of St Mary’s.

Son, Robert, and daughter, Samantha Evans, are their two children. Samantha and husband TJ attend First United Methodist Church where Samantha is the music minister. Samantha is a piano tuner/technician and operates The Piano Place servicing Caldwell and the Brazos Valley.

The Hilberlings have three precious grandchildren and one on the way to round out the Hilberling family.

Michael says they are happy to be in Caldwell and feels Caldwell likes them too; and they definitely like Caldwell.

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Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Six Attitude Stories 1. Once all the villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. → That’s FAITH 2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her. → That’s TRUST 3. Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up. → That’s HOPE 4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. → That’s CONFIDENCE 5. We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children. → That’s LOVE 6. On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old....I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience’ → That’s ATTITUDE

************** As Dr. Jeff Berger, pastor of First Baptist, Willis, spoke to his church about living life well, as God would have us, he began humorously with mentioning men’s famous “last” words. Can anyone relate?

Hey, watch this!

I wonder what this hole is for?

Let’s push this button .

He’s not so big; I can take him.

Helmet, who needs a helmet?

They’re more afraid of humans.

Who needs directions?

Hey, Honey, since you’ve been home doing nothing…

I ain’t scared!

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,Q *RG :H 7UXVW Cattle folks, you are in store for a treat with your hauling needs!

Luke Pitts is the owner of the area’s new hauling service, In God We Trust Express.

Luke Pitts has come to the area with a world of experience, having hauled for over 25 years. His grandfather was a hauler, his father was a hauler, and he is following suit. He enjoys his work, and he’s been accident free over all these years. He is careful and prepared to move your animals, he says.

He says his flatbed trailer is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and all you need to do is call and consult with him concerning times and locations. He’ll haul cattle and livestock to all 48 states.

Mr. Pitts has been in Caldwell for 6 years, relocating from Plainview, north of Lubbock. He says he was ready to see some trees, and get away from the wind, not to mention the extreme cold of the winters. His wife teaches in Snook, and they are the parents of five boys. He laughingly says all the animals they have are female. There is enough testosterone around.

Future plans are to branch out into other hauling. He plans to buy a Refrigerator Truck to haul cold goods. “But, that is the future,” he says. His focus now is to provide the hauling needs of cattle and livestock for people here and now.

Give In God We Trust a call at 979.200.9207 for your hauling needs. You will not be disappointed.

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Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers The Best T-Shirts I Have Read Yes, I’m a Nurse.

No, I don’t want to look at it.

I disagree.

But I respect your right to be stupid.

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing...

And yet despite the look on my face, you’re still talking.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.

So when is this ‘old enough to know better’ supposed to kick in?

I’m going to stop asking “How dumb can you get?”

People seem to be taking it as a challenge!

Musician: Someone who packs $5000 worth of gear into a car and drives 100 miles to make $50.

Nurses We can’t fix stupid but we can sedate it!

Did a cartwhell the other day, thinking was like rid ing a bike. It’s not.

You matter...

I mean, not to me, but to someone.

Does anyone else get Road Rage pushing a shopping cart through the store?

Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? GOOD TIMES. Some days I amaze myself.

Other days I put the keys in the fridge.

I Can See Smoke On

The Horizon.

Oh, I Hope It’s the Rest of Monday

Burning To The

Ground

Thoughts from a

US MARINE

by Mark L. Harrison

So I tried to keep out of this but after watching the media’s dividing rhetoric, I cannot help but express my issue with the NFL, kneeling, the National Anthem and misinformed patriots.

I truly see and agree with points on both sides; but I’ve not heard said what strikes me the hardest: I believe in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! I served my county as a Marine for 7 years and would have proudly given my life to keep the freedoms and privileges we have, to include the right to burn the flag. Yep, said that! I might kick your butt for it, but I’ll do it acknowledging your right to it. Call it a learning curve in patriotic respect for those that paid in full for your right to be a dummy. Just because you have the right, does not mean you should.

There are many ways to get attention, attention I agree that should be given to inequality. BUT something has to remain sacred and stand above the fray as the symbol for what we aspire to be which is United as the greatest country on this planet.

Even if you don’t believe we are.

Our flag and anthem are not just made of cloth, dye and melodic words. It’s made of dreams that came true, costly victories, tragedy & loss and triumphs that changed the world. All of which has been paid for with blood, great sacrifice and undoubting faith.

Without a symbol we might as well fight each other. Oh wait, we are! This country can only remain great if we choose to agree to share a common cause. A cause of patriotic and civic responsibility.

The flag is a soft target because its right there in our homes.

Do with it as you want. You won’t have to look those that paid for it in the eye, lucky you. But do not disrespect it in front of those who know the cost. Because to us, it reminds us of our

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hard earned past ( both good and bad) and reminds us that if we are willing to continue making sacrifices, we will have the future we deserve.

I guess we deserve the future we get if we don’t make the sacrifices as well. I think choosing a grievance venue that does not involve disrespecting our American flag is a much easier sacrifice to make than what was made by those who now rest in Arlington cemetery. If you have not volunteered to make this kind of sacrifice and think you understand, thank Hollywood, because they make great movies about patriotism that have convinced you that you get it. Trust me, you don’t!

Something has to remain sacred to remind us that we can prevail even in the most dire of times. Do you have the right to kneel? without a doubt you do. Do you have a choice to protest, absolutely. You also have a choice to leave some soft targets alone and find less sensitive and offensive ways to express your very appropriate grievances. For me this is simple,despite our differences and the great divides we have, they are secondary to patriotism. We are Americans first (PERIOD). Act accordingly because if you don’t, this great American dream will end and if you thinks it’s bad now.... wait.

Mark L. Harrison has served his country as a Lance Corporal in the United States Marine Corp. Mark is the son of Linda Hood, a resident of Burleson County.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Thoughts from the Shower If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word “Scent”, the S or the C? Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V? Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word “swims” upside down is still “swims”.

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had 2 years to live in 19853 are probably dead.

Teacher tells little Johnny off, “You know very well you can’t sleep in my class, Johnny.”

Johnny admits, “Yes, I know miss. But maybe, if you didn’t speak quite so loud, I could.” *************** Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”

Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math.

Seems I died in 1543.

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Something to Sneeze At Cold and Flu Season

Kristel Leubner, DO Specialty: Family Medicine Dr. Kristel Leubner grew up in rural Hamshire, Texas, dreaming of becomin,a physician in a community much like her own. She had an unusual childhood, showing curiosity about the body, illness, and how it was connected at a very early age, and that has been the fuel behind her love of what she does. In her eyes, each patient story is a unique puzzle waiting to be put together.

After attending the University of Texas, she received her medical degree from the University of North Texas Health Science Center, Texas College of Osteopathic Medicine.

Dr. Leubner became a family medicine practitioner because she enjoys caring for patients of all ages. She chose to practice at HealthPoint because she found its principle of providing patient-centered wellness consistent with her own. Dr. Leubner practices medicine with a holistic approach, realizing that mental and physical health are intricately connected.

The little people are back in school, and a cool breeze has happened upon us. The days are getting shorter. Some of the leaves have even started to fall. While this is a favorite time of year for some, others dread the inevitable onset of the sniffles and misery that follow.

Many of my patients who have frequent upper respiratory infections,ask what they might do at home to prevent them. Of course, we discuss the obvious: frequent handwashing or sanitizing, coughing into the elbow, and avoiding crowds. However, it’s often tough to steer clear of those little sweeties who get home from school and throw their arms around you, snotty nose included. As you can imagine, numerous studies abound regarding prevention and treatment of the common cold. Despite numerous vitamin and herbal supplements that make the claim of prevention, the only supplement that has shown consistent promise is daily vitamin C. It’s not effective if started after the onset of symptoms.

97% of upper respiratory infections are viral, which means that antibiotics, which are developed to target bacterial infections, will not be effective. To avoid putting patients at unnecessary risk for side effects, which might include allergic reactions and antibiotic associated gastrointestinal infections, and

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to avoid emerging bacterial resistance, patients are urged to give their bodies a chance to fight off the infection naturally.

This takes patience, as the usual course of improvement will take five to seven days, and the associated cough can sometimes take two weeks to resolve.

Influenza remains the most deadly virus of all time, claiming the lives of millions of individuals yearly. Most deaths are to the most vulnerable: the very young, elderly, pregnant women and those that are immunocompromised or have other concurrent chronic illnesses. Typically, individuals do not succumb to the virus itself but to the complications that follow. Each year, the CDC urges individuals to protect themselves with the influenza vaccine. Due to the rapid mutation of the virus, a new vaccine must be developed each year. Vaccine development focuses on mass producing the projected circulating strains for the following influenza season. The virus is then attenuated, or inactivated, and administered to those 6 months and older.

While this protection is not foolproof, it does shorten the severity and duration of the illness should one catch a strain of the flu that is not included in the vaccination.

Common misconceptions abound regarding the vaccine.

The most common heard is that the flu vaccine gives people the flu, which is untrue. Because the vaccine is attenuated, if upper respiratory symptoms are experienced, they are usually mild or short-lived. It takes 2 weeks for the vaccine to be effective, so having full blown influenza in that period of time reflects receiving the vaccination too late in the season. The CDC urges individuals to immunize themselves by late October, well in advance of the expected first few cases of the season.

Finally, talk to a provider about individualized recommendations for each cold and flu season so that you can make the most out of the fall and winter months.

97% of upper respiratory infections are viral, which means that antibiotics will not be effective.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church came along.

The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, “Way to go, Pastor, cut ‘em short.” ************** Grandma says, “Think positive – it keeps you young.”

For example, I fell down the stairs today and I thought WOW - that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!

This student got his test back and $64 change.

************* “Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon,” a preacher told his summertime congregation.

If you have any good jokes you would like to see in the Front Porch....please send them to us at imagemaker@airplexus.com

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phen F. Austin and Samuel May Williams in 1830, but Robertson regained the grant in 1834. The southern border of the grant was the Camino Real, across Burleson County. Robertson continued northward, up the river, becoming a Texas Ranger and a delegate from the Municipality of Milam who signed the Texas Declaration of Independence and Constitution of the Republic of Texas. He was a veteran of the war for Independence and retired to Robertson County. Thomson remained in the area, settling near Chriesman. He continued work as a surveyor and is thought to be the first Methodist minister in Texas. He’s buried in the family cemetery near Chriesman.

El Camino Real has been the main artery for travelers across `Two men who helped forge future Burleson County and TexTexas for well over 300 years, and though there are offshoot as….all because they took the low road. trails north and south, the primary road crosses the heart of Burleson County. It provided the best route from Mexico to the United States and the river crossing leading to Nacogdoches became a gateway to the southwest. It wasn’t long before residents of the United States came pouring in with promises of land and a secure future.

In 1825, Tennessean Sterling Clack Robertson made his first trek to Tejas, as part of a group that explored and surveyed a grant of Robert Leftwich. Robertson was immediately enamored with the vastness and unlimited opportunity that the Tejas province offered. When he returned to Tennessee in 1826, he immediately began recruiting settlers to start a new colony in Tejas. He signed a contract in 1830 with the Texas Association to bring in 200 families with himself as empresario.

Sterling Clack Robertson In no time Robertson had enough families interested and was ready to head southwest. He took on a partner named Alexander Thomson, who was also a surveyor, and the men set out with a wagon train of eager settlers to Robertson’s Colony on the Brazos River.

The travelers arrived at the Sabine crossing, headed to Nacogdoches, the first week of April 1830…just in time to learn the Law of April 6, 1830 had been passed and they were not allowed to go a step further. The Mexican law consisted of fourteen recommendations made by Manuel de Mier y Terán, as they sought to counteract the colonization of Texas. They encouraged more Mexican military, regulated coastal trade and forbid bringing more slaves into Mexico. They sought to suspend existing empresario contracts, and to prohibit or limit immigration from the United States.

Robertson and Thomson had to make a decision. They could turn around and go home, or find an alternate route and hopefully slip into Mexico unnoticed. They headed south.

They’d heard of another route into Mexico, possibly a smuggler’s route, via Burr’s Ferry near present day Newton, Texas.

They rolled the dice, and took the less-traveled low road.

The men were soon presenting themselves to Colonel Francisco Ruiz at Fort Tenoxtitlán on the Brazos River, in what is now Burleson County. Robertson’s grant had been nullified because of the immigration law and the wagon train of settlers was illegal immigrants. Ruiz had a decision to make now…let them stay, or report them to the authorities in San Antonio.

Ruiz and his family had been fighting for independence from Mexico since the Battle of the Medina. He once had a price on his head and had been exiled. He let them stay.

The Robertson Colony land had been transferred to Ste-

Choosing the Low Road

by Tammy Kubecka

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, “I descend into hell!” A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: “Hallelujah! Hell is full!” ************** Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle , Kentucky , a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’ It worked.” ************** Wife calls her husband and says, “Darling, the car is broken, it won’t start.”

“What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?”

“It’s water in the carburetor, love.”

“Oh no, where are you right now?”

“Um, in the little lake behind the house…” ************** Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”

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Renita Odstrcil is a licensed Texas Realtor. She is a member of the National and Texas Association of Realtors, and the local B/CS Association of Realtors.

With the recent catastrophic flooding caused by Hurricane Harvey, it made me think about another catastrophic flood. The Great Flood, from many years ago. This in turn, made me think of a fairly recent attempt that I made to ‘extend an olive branch’, which was sadly rejected and provided me with the subject for my story.

To ‘extend an olive branch’ is a phrase that has been around for many years. The phrase is thought to be biblical in origin, deriving from the story of Noah where he releases a dove which returns with an olive leaf that was a sign the flood waters were receding and life had been restored in the land.

Although real olive branches were used in wreaths and other forms for centuries in ancient cultures as a symbol of peace, today, it is primarily depicted in images representing peace in art work, on currencies, or on symbols such as the ‘Great Seal of the United States.’

More commonly, however, in our day to day lives, it is used as an expression. When we ‘extend an olive branch,’ we are asking for peace and reconciliation, in some way, to someone we are in conflict with. We may either be offering forgiveness or asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness, either way, is one of the best ways to regain peace within ourselves.

To ‘extend an olive branch is not always easy, especially if you feel that you were not the one who did wrong. If you are the one in the wrong, then your gesture should be genuine, but you must keep in mind that the other person may reject your olive branch regardless of whether it was you or him in the wrong.

There is no use in trying to force someone to accept your ‘branch.’ They may eventually come to accept it or they may never accept it. Either way, you can rest assured that you have

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done the right thing. Try to forget about it and move on. Let the peace from your effort carry you forward.

The ultimate lesson we need to take away from the symbolic olive branch is regardless of who’s right or who’s wrong, we must remain faithful to God. We must be obedient to his command that we love and forgive one another. Noah, through all his despair, remained faithful to God and obeyed his command while no one else listened. What if he hadn’t?

We are all sinners living in a condemned world, but God has extended his own olive branch to us through his son Jesus. There will always be situations where we must ‘extend an olive branch’ to offer peace, love and forgiveness. When we put our faith in God and follow Jesus’ footsteps, we will be rewarded with not only with peace but eternal peace in His kingdom.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Here are some statistics for the year 1910:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for this car was only sold in drug stores.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME. Ninety percent of all Physicians had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND by the government as ‘substandard.’

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas Nevada was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s or Father’s Day. Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. (but almost everyone had a gun!).

These glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

-Samuel Johnson I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

-Irvin S. Cobb “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”

- Paul Keating

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The Road Not To Take

by Scarlette Taylor

With the idea of Robert Frost and his taking the less traveled road and that making all the difference, I thought about roads, all kinds of roads…the roads we take in life. And then I thought about the roads we should not take.

In recent weeks, one of our Bible studies has been on the Dark Side, with one of the studies being on the Paranormal, meaning the events or phenomena that are beyond the scope of normal scientific understanding. We studied about how we should not be involved in the paranormal, or, as we are talking, how we should not travel that road.

Of course, you are aware that there paranormal activities have been around from those early centuries, and that they are here today. And they are often of great interest to people, especially younger individuals. Knowing this, I thought about explaining what the Bible says to us about paranormal involvement. My hope is that it will be helpful…helpful to those who see it incorrectly as an innocent interest, and to those who might have dabbled in it, and/ or to those who are in its web.

The Bible is very clear. Moses told the Israelites not to follow the practices of the nations they were about to go into.

Moses told the Israelites precisely what God forbade, and He did this because he wanted better for them. Actually, He wanted the best for them, as He wants for us.

God sees getting involved in their practices as detestable, despicable, repugnant. These practices involved child sacrifice, divination, sorcery, the interpreting of omens, witch craft, casting spells, consulting mediums or spiritualists, and consulting the dead.

Scripture tell us that we should have nothing to do with the paranormal. In Deuteronomy 18, you can read of Moses’ relating this information to the Israelites. Moses warned them, and he went on to tell them that God saw anyone who did the practices as detestable. Not only were the practices detestable but the ones practicing them were detestable.

The Cananites were practicing child sacrifice, sacrifice in the fire. How horrendous is that? It seems even more sinister that abortion. The parents had to actually take their child,

hand it over and allow it to be burned.

Such “sacrifice” was done to appease a “god” or for people to get their way. All this was a deception, a false, counterfeit representation. The Israelites had been practicing obedience by sacrificing to God, but this was an inhumane sacrifice. And Satan was in the middle of all this; he is always the great deceiver, the counterfeiter.

The Cananites practiced divination, trying to forsee or fortell future events. They consulted mediums in order to know something that they desired. They would go to someone who communicated with the spirit world and would tell them what they desired to know. Modern day dabbling would be going to a Fortune Teller , going before some unknown person, and asking him/her to tell something about future events.

Sorcery, the use of power gained from the use of evil spirits, interpreting of omens, casting spells…all of this deals with getting involved with evil spirits. And that is forbidden for good reason.

God knows Satan and his ways. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. You may have thought, or think that the paranormal isn’t bad. That it’s fascinating. But it is evil. Ephesians 6L12 tells us that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of the dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm.” We do not need to get involved with these forces.

Do you see that all of this paranormal involvement is leaving God out? Man is trying to know more than he needs to know.

God alone knows the future, and He alone can help man in all things. Getting involved in what He forbids brings disaster.

Trust in God. Walk that road. It will surely make all the difference.

You can’t WALK

GOD

with holding hands

with the devil.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Man Gets Into An Argument With His Wife But Is Shocked When She Does This A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper. “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man work up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested.

Everything you say can and will be used against you.

**************

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

“Stewardess,” he said happily, “I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It’s not often that an airline gets to where it’s going exactly when they claim it will. I’m going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am.”

“Why, thank you, sir,” the flight attendant answered, “but I think you should know something ... this is yesterday’s flight.”

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.

For instance, if they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

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Kids Observe Life NUDITY My kids have always been observant of their surroundings, but they tend to pick out details no one else would notice. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.

Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?”

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

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DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goes.”

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear !

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers A man and his family walk into a store. Inside of the bar, the man’s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating “World’s longest memory”.

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, “What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?”

The Native American states, “eggs.”

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the store.

Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the store.

Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, “how?!”

The Native replies, “scrambled.”

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Friar Jimmy Durante

***************** A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.

She asks him, “Can you go down to the grocery store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk?”

He responded, “They had eggs.” ***************** An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out around the world. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure.

Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thankyou card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He then phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thankyou card and box of chocolates ?”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”........

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The Birdies On July 22nd I was en route to Washington, DC for a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change.

As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane, and I heard a gentleman asking every male if he was Mr. Glenn. At this point I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk. When I got off the plane a solemnfaced young man came toward me and said, “Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital.”

My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over.

Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number they gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my threeyear-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead. CPR had been performed by a neighbor (who is a doctor) and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital. By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, but they did not know how much damage had been done to his brain, nor to his heart.

They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness. The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down.

When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son lying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile.

It all seemed like a terrible dream. I was filled-in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was OK, two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would tell if his brain received any damage.

Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline.

All that night and the next day Brian remained unconscious.

It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before. Finally at two o’clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, “Daddy hold me” and he reached for me with his little arms. By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital.

You cannot imagine our gratitude and joy. As we took Brian home, we felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely.

In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home.

Our two older children were much closer to their little brother. My

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wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family.

Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound.

Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, “Sit down mommy. I have something to tell you.”

At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story.

“Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn’t hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the ‘birdies’ came.”

“The birdies?” my wife asked puzzled.

“Yes,” he replied. “The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage. They took care of me.”

“They did?”

“Yes,” he said. “One of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you I got stuck under the door.” A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air.

My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from beyond as “birdies” because they were up in the air like birds that fly.

“What did the birdies look like?” she asked.

Brian answered, “They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white. Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just white.”

“Did they say anything?”

“Yes,” he answered. “They told me the baby would be all right.”

“The baby?” my wife asked confused.

Brian answered. “The baby laying on the garage floor.” He went on, “You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave.”

My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian’s body and seeing his crushed chest whispered, “Don’t leave us Brian, please stay if you can.”

As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left his body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form.

“Then what happened?” she asked.

“We went on a trip.” He said, “Far, far away.” He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn’t seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it would be okay.

He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but finding the words was difficult. “We flew so fast up in the air. They’re so pretty Mommy,” he added. “And there is lots and lots of birdies.”

My wife was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known Brian went on to tell her that the “birdies” had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the “birdies.” He said they brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck, and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay,

The Birdies Cont’d but the man couldn’t hear him. He said the birdies told him he had to go with the ambulance, but they would be near him. He said they were so pretty and so peaceful, and he didn’t want to come back.

Then the bright light came. He said that the light was so bright and so warm, and he loved the bright light so much.

Someone was in the bright light and put their arms around him, and told him, “I love you but you have to go back. You have to play baseball, and tell everyone about the birdies.�

Then the person in the bright light kissed him and waved bye-bye. Then whoosh, the big sound came and they went into the clouds.

The story went on for an hour. He told her that “birdies� were always with us, but we don’t see them because we look with our eyes and we don’t hear them because we listen with our ears. “But they are always there, you can only see them in here,� (he put his handover his heart). “They whisper the things to help us to do what is right because they love us so much,� Brian continued, stating, “I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises.

The birdies help us to do that cause they love us so much.�

In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it, again and again. Always the story remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further bits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his ability when he talked about his birdies.

Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the “birdies.� Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled.

Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. ~Will Rogers~

Cowboy’s Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:

t+VTU POF (PE t)POPS ZFS .B 1B t/P UFMMJOH UBMFT PS HPTTJQJO t(JU ZPVSTFMG UP 4VOEBZ NFFUJOH t1VU OPUIJO CFGPSF (PE t/P GPPMJO BSPVOE XJUI BOPUIFS GFMMPX T HBM t/P LJMMJO t8BUDI ZFS NPVUI t%PO U UBLF XIBU BJO U ZFST t%PO U CF IBOLFSJO GPS ZFS CVEEZ T TUVČ

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We came across this article on the internet and wanted to share it with you. It is truly about taking the path less traveled…in several ways- in the events endured, and in the acceptance of a challenge offered. The author of the article suffered through Harvey, yet she still desires that we continue to embrace the good that has come out of this monstrous tragedy.

The Good Thing Harvey Washed Away There’s not much in the world I can truly say I hate. But I hate Harvey. We have been sitting here for more hours than I can begin to count being brutally lashed by his seemingly never ending fury. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t scary…terrifying..times, but we are among the lucky ones. We are safe and dry.

Harvey has taken so much from so many. Homes, lives, hopes, jobs—all washed into the Gulf of Mexico by his relentless anger.

As the horrifying images and desperate needs flash across my screen in endless and quick succession, I sit here with tears in my eyes. Where do you begin? I have never felt so helpless. My neighbors are in dire straits and I can’t do anything but pray. It’s a terrible feeling.

Pregnant women and their toddlers stuck on roofs waiting hours upon hours for help. A friend with seven feet of water in her home swimming for her life to a rescue boat. An elderly couple trapped in their attic with rising water. A man drowned as he clung desperately to a shopping cart return in a parking lot.

Thousands stranded. Thousands homeless. Hundreds in need of rescue. No water. No food. No end in sight.

My own church (Church Project) has taken in tons of evacuees with even more buses on the way, and we, my family, can’t even get out to help them because of devastating flooding and road closures all around us. It’s a feeling of hopeless, helpless heartbreak that I can’t even begin to express. My heart is bleeding.

Yet, in the deluge, there is something incredibly beautiful emerging. You see, Harvey has washed away something else-hatred. The only color in greater Houston today is red, white, and

blue. The only religion on our streets is love. There is no race, no creed, no gender, no socioeconomic classes, no nationality, no sexual orientation, no religion. There are only people helping people. There are only strangers opening their homes for strangers. There are only men and women risking their precious lives for other precious lives.

Today, no matter who you worship, the color of your skin, where you were born…we are all Texans. For a stunning moment the world has stopped fighting against each other and started fighting for each other. It is breathtaking.

Take note, world. You don’t need to wait for a devastating disaster to love. You don’t need to wait until your neighbors are drowning to reach across the color, religious, nationality, political boundaries. This world is suffering a different kind of storm, one far more dangerous than Harvey-a storm of hatred. Let’s refuse to let it break us.

Do it now-in honor of Texans, love your neighbor fiercely today, tomorrow, and every day thereafter.

And Texans, I beg you to remember this day every time you gaze upon your neighbor. If you would go to any lengths to save them today, then let’s go to every length to love them for endless tomorrows. Harvey, you can take a lot from us-and you have.

But you can’t take our spirit. In fact, you have given us a glimmer so something beautiful-Love.

We are Texas.

Beautifully, heart-brokenly yours, Angelia Griffin

OH...BUT THAT’S NOT ALL

Del Rogers, Sr., founder and CEO of Stewardship Enrichment is a recognized authority on successful fund raising for churches, ministries and personal stewardship growth for individual christians.

The Pastor asked me to attend Sunday Morning Service so he could introduce me to his people when he invited them to attend the opening meeting of STEWARDSHIP ENRICHMENTLeadership Challenge.

Sitting near the front of the sanctuary, I noticed a couple across the aisle. They looked at me, talked and looked again.

The man got up; stuck out his hand; introduced himself and asked, “Aren’t you Del Rogers? I said, “Yes.” He said, “I told my wife that was you. We were at a church in Florida three years ago when you lead us through your program.”

He said, “The service won’t start for a while: let me tell you what STEWARDSHIP ENRICHMENT meant to us.”

“We had not been involved in church; we were young Christians wanting to do something for our Lord. Then along came STEWARDSHIP ENRICHMENT, my wife helped with refreshments and they asked me to serve on the Telephone Committee.

We both loved the part we played, but the best part was praying about our commitment!”

“It was the first time we had prayed together consistently and we have missed very few days since.”

“As we prayed we focused on what God wanted us to do – we heard you say, ‘Pray for what God wants to do through us.’ ” “We prayed for willing hearts. We prayed for God’s will – our

part of His vision for the church. We prayed to do His will as revealed to us.”

“We started at $5 a week, as we prayed our commitment grew to $100 a week over and above regular giving. We felt close to God as we (with other workers) took our commitment card to the front of the church; both of us held the envelope; closed our eyes and visualized laying our gift at the feet of our Lord as we placed the commitment card in the basket.”

“You said it would be one of the sweetest experiences of our Christian life; it was.

I said, “Thank you for sharing with me.” And he said, Oh but that’s not all! I’ll tell you the best part after the service.”

Service ended. They continued their story.

“We turned in our commitment card and didn’t think it could get better, but that was not all, with God. “We read the newsletter explaining the scriptural basis for ‘First Fruits Offering;’ read how Christians in other churches had responded; we got excited and asked God to show us a way to make a gift above and beyond our commitment.”

“As we prayed and talked. My wife said, “Let’s give the money we saved for a down payment on a house?”

I knew how much she wanted that new house but she said, ‘I am thrilled that we have something to give. I would rather build God’s house than our own.’”

“On ‘First Fruits Offering’ Sunday, we put a $20,000 check in the basket. I’m sure some gave more, bigger checks, but nobody had more joy than that gift brought us. Del, you said as we prayed, we would grow spiritually, the gift would not seem a sacrifice but a cause for rejoicing. It was for us!”

“We felt we had done our part. We sacrificed for the ‘First Fruits Offering’ and committed to give $100 weekly for 156 weeks and we were happy.

“Little did we know what was about to happen, God knew!

First, the housing market in Florida hit bottom; secondly, my company closed its Florida office and asked us to move.”

“My company sent us here, paid for the move; gave me a raise that more than covered our $100 weekly commitment; and gave me a bonus of – yes you guessed it - $20,000, down payment on a house – God provided what we thought was to be a sacrifice.

We send our gift back each week, we give our tithe to our new church.”

His wife laughed, “If we had put $20,000 on a house we would have lost it because the bottom fell out of the housing market in Florida.”

Then she got serious, “We gave it to build God’s house; instead of regret, we remember a church we helped build in Florida where people are finding Jesus and worshiping. A church we invested in that will pay eternal dividends.”

They gave me a hug and said, “Thank you, for the greatest spiritual experience since our conversion.”

He and his wife said, “God’s timing is perfect, we sent the final $100 to the Florida Church last week. Praise God! We’ll do it again!

And They Did!

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Which One Should I Take?

Tony Taylor, currently an Athletic Director and teacher at McMullen High School in Tilden, Texas, has also been published in Coach Magazine.

“…two roads diverged into one and I took the one less traveled and that has made all the difference…” I’m not sure if this is exactly word for word, but I think I’ve remembered the main idea of the phrase. I can’t remember where I first heard Robert Frost’s visionary idea, probably was in Mrs. Taylor’s English III or IV Class. We read lots of poetry back in ’83 and ’84, so I’m going to go with these dates for my first introducton to Mr. Frost.

The main idea from the poem can be taken in a different way depending on how the reader wants to form his own opinion.

For me, I think it boils down to enjoying life and choosing a career that truly makes one happy. How many people do we know who are not happy with themselves or a career?

I think at times that a person needs to “take the road less traveled” in order to ultimately achieve a personal goal such as a job.

For a young person taking the road less traveled possibly means doing something that HE wants to do in life versus what their

32

parents have chosen for him.

A great example is my daughter Hallie who will be a graduating senior. She might in her mind think she needs to be an educator; her mom and I have been in the school business, as have her NaNa (Scarlette to Caldwell folks) and Papa (the late Richard Taylor). Taking the road less traveled for her means possibly breaking the “education cycle” and doing something in acting or broadcasting because these are actviities that she truly loves.

By someday working in either of these fields, she will ultimately make all the “difference” in her life because she will be doing something that is enjoyable.

I keep going back to the “being happy in life” because life is too short to be miserable. I’m getting close to retirement in education and one thing that I stress daily to high school students is to be sure that they do something in life that they truly ENJOY. I also tell them that pretty much everyone in life is going to have to work at some point after high school unless they win the lottery after graduation, but I’m also quick to respond with the “there’s a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning the lottery.” So hopefully my preaching is sinking in with a possible career choice for them.

For me personally, I’ve had no regrets with my career choice because I’ve enjoyed coaching in high school, but there have been times along the way where I wish I would’ve taken the “road less traveled” and been a Graduate Assistant Coach in college. Who knows, maybe I could’ve been the next Geno Auriemma or Billy Clyde Gillespie!! I do know this though, hindsight is a perfect science so I choose to keep my focus on the present. If I can reach just one person who reads this edition of the Front Porch, then I feel like I’ve done something worthwhile for them when it comes to choosing the right path.

I’ll leave on this point, “Which ROAD will you CHOOSE and will it make all the difference for YOU?”

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN For this edition of the Front Porch Magazine, we have chosen to use one of the ideas of the poem ”The Road Not Taken,” by Robert Frost. We’ve selected the last three lines to focus on: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

Making decisions about life’s “journey” often comes when we find ourselves at certain junctures. We made decisions of all kinds as young children, then as teens, and finally as adults, actually, at all ages of adulthood.

As we age, the consequences of our choices magnify. We consider college or training?; marrying? when; children? or not; live here? or move? Some decisions we make are the best we could have.

Some are out and out failures. But, isn’t all of the deciding part of life? No one can be a flaming success in all the issues of his/her life.

Early on, one may ask, “Which job is best for me to choose?” A few years later, it becomes, “Which job will make enough money for my family? Then it

goes back to “What can I do with my life now that will be fulfilling?” Or perhaps, in the waning years, it becomes, “Why didn’t I ___________ like I wanted to do in the first place? Or “Why didn’t I try to do what I really wanted?”

Making the right choices, choosing the best path does include consequences. Each choice does make a difference, certainly to us, but to others as well. In the early and middle lines of Frost’s poem, he points out that he pondered the two paths, looking hard at one way, and then going down the other. And he writes that he thought he’d keep the first path to travel another time, but he knew he’d likely never return.

The many messages of “The Path Not Taken” speak to us. Frost, struggled with choices, like we do. But, in the end, he felt he’d used his life well by taking the path less traveled. He believed it made all the difference. Each of us, too, hopes our path will make a difference, a good one.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Sunday Funnies After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genuis has it’s limits. ~Albert Einstein~

************* A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?” ************** A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out and erasing?” ************** After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

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The Fair is Over...

Now What?

Howdy and congratulations on another successful year at the Burleson County Fair. Hopefully everyone made the sale and came out in the black. I would like to take some time today and re-visit the true value and husbandry aspects of the fair projects just in case you were not as successful as you hoped.

The value of fair projects should not be solely based on the ribbon color awarded nor the price received at auction. The true wealth gained should be measured in self accomplishment and pride in your project.

Taking an immature animal and raising it to maximize its value either as a slaughter animal or a reproductive replacement is an admirable task passed on from parents to siblings since the beginning of time. Food comes from the farm not the grocery stores.

This is a concept a majority of Americans have forgotten. Animal husbandry and farming is the basis of our survival and should be taken seriously, not corrupted with local politics and parental pride.

The purpose of keeping good records is that we not repeat our past errors. After you have thanked your parents and buyers, I would highly recommend a thorough review of your project records, notes and facilities. Most likely you will notice ways to improve for next year’s project and plan accordingly. Now is the time to review and upgrade while last year’s project is fresh on your mind and you have time.

The first question you should ask yourself is, did your project reach its genetic potential or did the animal have health problems?

Common problems like lameness, diarrhea and pneumonia can be

38

minimized with proper husbandry.

Make sure all projects are properly vaccinated for their common diseases at least twice, one month apart. When introducing new animals that have not been housed together, an isolation period of at least seven days is recommended. Projects should be dewormed on arrival and anthelmintic should be rotated every time you administer them in the future.

A review of diet protocol and manufacturer is critical. Was the diet palatable and achieve the rate of gain you expected or did your project refuse to eat it and waste it?

Are the bunkers and feed troughs in good order, easily cleaned and prevent waste? As your project matures through its life stages, often changes in diet type must occur. Did you consider this and was your timing of changes done to maximize feed efficiency?

The best time to update your facilities is when you do not have a fair project. Be sure to consider ease in hygiene (clean up), minimization of heat stress, air quality (dust and ammonia), overcrowding and animal fighting.

A thorough review of project sources are in order. Did the breeder have the best genetics, selection and health program to put you in the driver seat for next year? Take time to research animal sources reputation and results on-line.

Ask your friends and competitors about their sources and experiences before buying again.

Finally, review your day-to-day protocol. Did you spend enough time working on your project? Could you have done more, especially with exercise and handling for showmanship?

At the end of the day, there are many components and working parts to a successful project experience. Your local 4-H, FFA and breed clubs are excellent resources for start-up and support. However, it is up to you to recognize past problems and self-evaluate your project results for an even better outcome next year.

Jack F. McKemie, DVM

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers 10 Facts About You 1.

You’re reading this right now.

2.

You’re realizing that is a stupid fact.

4.

You didn’t notice I skipped three.

5.

You’re checking now.

6.

You’re smiling.

7.

You’re still reading this even though it’s stupid.

9.

You didn’t realize I skipped eight.

10.

You’re checking again and smiling about how you fell for it again.

11.

You’re enjoying this.

12.

You didn’t realize there’s only supposed to be ten facts.

Your smile is your logo, your personality is your business card, how you leave others feeling after an experience with you becomes your trademark.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.

The Road Best Traveled

One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater In case you haven’t noticed, two totally different roads can lead you on your ride to the edge of the valley. The sterile, road sign directed, no mess, high speed highway can get you to the end point without getting much sand in your eyes.

There is also the rock filled, animal crossing, hole-in-the-wall small town eateries, and heart stopping, run over a nail, scenic route.

Typically, our first job before a road trip is deciding which path to take. There may be more than one factor to consider.

If I arrive in a luxury car, with a helmet head hairdo, wear Chanel, never say an unladylike word, stop only at top rated restaurants, drink only Starbucks, and champagne, will I be fully equipped to assure a good and successful time on my grand adventure? Am I taking full advantage of my excursion? What kind of experience do I truly want? Do I honestly want no bumps in my road, no detours, no home cooking, or chills?

No! I want a “Thelma and Louise” experience, although maybe just a bit watered down. No PBS documentary for me. I hope my epitaph reads, “She had a heck of a good time.”

I want to make good use of my hours along the way, traveling with people who are upbeat, and adventurous. No control freaks, serial grumblers, or nasty spirits allowed. When I come across those types, I am going to remind myself that I have the option of dropping them off at the curb, even if dragging them

40

out of the car is a little messy. They don’t usually go quietly.

My experience is that the kinds of people who make the trek with you are the most important part of the whole venture.

I want a sensational voyage, with lots of laughter. If I don’t cause any trouble, raise some h…, even make some people cry, or make some smile, what is the point?

I do have a few nagging questions, that if answered might help in my continued excursions.

1) Why can some people sing, and I can’t?

2) What makes someone cool?

3) Who introduced “The Purple People Eater and the Witch Doctor?”

4) Is it just me, or are The Ames Brothers full of it when they sing, “It Only Hurts for a Little While?”

5) At what age do you stop being “Little Darlin, or “Hot Stuff?”

6) Can you honestly “Sing Away the Blues?”

7) Is “Sugar in the Morning, and Sugar in the Evening,” really that harmful?

8) What was Doris Day smokin’ when she sang “Que Sera, Sera, What Ever Will Be, Will Be?” 9) Shouldn’t “Just the Way You Are,” and “Twisting the Night Away,” be our mantra?

10) What is “Call Me Maybe,” all about?

11) Wouldn’t dancing the “Macarena,” be an awesome way to start every morning?

I hope that on your great adventure, you take time to drive the scenic route. Turn the radio up, play some oldies, spray some purple in your hair, wear those big earrings you’ve been saving, and “Wake up Little Susie,” Wake Up! My understanding is that God has decided that we are too entertaining to zap. Surely the scenic route is part of His plan.

by Donna Presnal Retired Teacher Caldwell High School Graduate

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Sin Of Lying A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.” ************** Afraid Of The Dark A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.

Cash machine login 1234: Here’s your 1000 dollars.

Tell our Advertisers you saw them in The Front Porch Magazine.

Planning the Withdrawal of Your Retirement Assets

Kavon Novak is a registered Investment Consultant and Branch Manager with LPL Financial. He holds Series 7, 24 and 63 licenses. Kavon has over 19 years of experience in the financial industry and is a member of the Financial Services Institute and the Burleson County Chamber of Commerce. He is a multi-year “Outstanding Client Service” award recipient and a Fightin’ Texas Aggie ’91.

For more information please call 979-255-8796.

You’ve worked long and hard to accumulate the assets that you are using to help finance your retirement. Now, it’s time to start drawing down those assets. Exactly how you liquidate your assets will affect your tax and impact how long those assets last, so it pays to plan a withdrawal strategy that is efficient and maximizes the benefits of different types of investments.

The first step in planning your withdrawal strategy is to make a precise inventory of all the assets you have in your portfolio, paying particular attention to distinguish between taxable accounts, such as ordinary bank or brokerage accounts, and tax-deferred accounts such as 401(k), 403(b) and 457 plans, and IRAs. From this inventory, you can estimate how much cash you will receive from dividends, interest payments, redemptions, and distributions in the coming year. You can also assess how much you will need to hold in reserve in order to meet the associated federal and state tax obligations.

If your total net cash flow from the assets in your taxable accounts is strong enough to meet your budgeted cash needs for the year, you may consider yourself to be fortunate. You need not weigh the transaction costs of different asset sale strategies or consider the added income tax effects of withdrawing assets from employer-sponsored plans and IRAs. But if you do need to liquidate assets in order to meet your cash flow targets, then you should consider the plusses and minuses of each withdrawal strategy as outlined in the following savings withdrawal hierarchy.

As you consider these options, keep in mind that no single order can be right for every person and every situation. Among the additional issues you should consider when designing your withdrawal strategy are the management of portfolio risk, your tax bracket, and the cost basis of the investments. With that in mind, below is a high-level summary of

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guidelines for creating an appropriate strategy. Remember, this is a conceptual ranking. Your circumstances may require a different sequence, so be sure to obtain relevant financial advice before taking any action.

Note, too, that estate tax considerations might have an impact on withdrawal priorities. t Meet the rules for Required Minimum Distributions (RMDs).

Owners of traditional IRAs and participants in 401(k), 403(b), and 457 plans must follow IRS schedules for the size and timing of their RMDs (see below). Those who fail to do so face a penalty tax equal to half of any required distribution that has not been taken by the applicable deadline. t Sell losing positions in taxable accounts. If you have an investment that is worth less now than when you bought it, you may be able to create a tax deduction by selling that investment. This deduction can be used to offset any investment gains you realize. It can also be used to offset up to $3,000 in ordinary income ($1,500 for married individuals who file separate tax returns). Losses in excess of the limits can usually be carried forward for use in future years. t Liquidate assets in taxable accounts that will generate neither capital gains nor losses. As you consider which assets to sell, keep your target asset allocation in mind. You may be able sell assets from a class that is currently overweighted in your portfolio. By focusing on reducing the overweighted class to restore balance, you can minimize net transaction costs. t Realize gains from taxable accounts or withdraw assets from tax-deferred accounts to which nondeductible contributions have been made, such as after-tax contributions to a 401(k) plan. Which accounts to tap first within this category will depend on a number of factors, such as the cost basis relative to market value of the accounts to be liquidated and the tax characteristics of the assets in the taxable account.

When liquidating taxable account assets, liquidate the holdings with long-term capital gains before those with short-term gains, and liquidate assets with the least unrealized gain first. t Take additional distributions from tax-favored accounts. RMD rules, state tax treatment, and other features and characteristics of the different IRAs and employer-sponsored plans may make some accounts better candidates for earlier withdrawals. For instance, withdrawals from a traditional IRA would usually precede withdrawals from a Roth IRA. Required Minimum Distributions (RMDs) For traditional IRAs and employer-sponsored retirement savings plans, individuals must begin taking required minimum distributions no later than April 1 following the year in which they turn 70½. RMDs from a 401(k) can be delayed until actual retirement if the plan participant continues to be employed by the plan sponsor and he or she does not own more than 5% of the company. The size of an RMD is determined by the account owner’s age. An account owner with a spousal beneficiary who is more than 10 years younger can base required minimum distributions on their joint life expectancy.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Planning the Withdrawal of Your Retirement Assets Cont’d from Page 42 Estimating the Required Minimum Distribution This is the most broadly applicable required minimum distribution table -- the Uniform Lifetime Table for unmarried owners, married owners whose spouses are not more than 10 years younger, and married owners whose spouses are not the sole beneficiaries of their accounts.

Other tables apply in other situations.

Directions Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

“I’ve got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.”

“Great. Where do you live?”

“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”

“Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”

“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

A Potential Tax Benefit for Company Stock Held in a Retirement Plan For individuals who hold company stock in their 401(k) or other qualified retirement plan, the IRS offers certain tax advantages when withdrawing company stock from the plan. Rather than paying ordinary income tax on the entire amount of the withdrawal, you may elect to pay it on the original cost basis of the stock, assuming it was paid for in pre-tax dollars, then pay capital gains tax, usually at a lower rate, on the net unrealized appreciation when you eventually sell the shares.

Keep in mind that the IRS has exacting requirements for exploiting all of the tax management strategies discussed above and that tax laws are always subject to change. You should review your cash management plans with your tax and investment advisors before taking any specific action.

Required Attribution Because of the possibility of human or mechanical error by Wealth Management Systems Inc. or its sources, neither Wealth Management Systems Inc. nor its sources guarantees the accuracy, adequacy, completeness or availability of any information and is not responsible for any errors or omissions or for the results obtained from the use of such information. In no event shall Wealth Management Systems Inc. be liable for any indirect, special or consequential damages in connection with subscriber’s or others’ use of the content. © 2016 DST Systems, Inc. Reproduction in whole or in part prohibited, except by permission. All rights reserved. Not responsible for any errors or omissions.

LPL Tracking # 1-523328

Thoughts from the Shower *If you attempt to rob a bank you son’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not your are successful. *Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned.

Mama

DON’T YELL

by Eugenne Thompson

My life is not uncommon to so many families these days.

Stress and mess make us sick. Keeping the wrong people in your life hinders the right people from coming in.

I was a 14 years old and a straight “A” student. Multiple emotional and medical problems seem to plague my young life. Basically’ I’m just Tore-Up from the Floor-Up. Here’s my story, and surprisingly my children and teens are facing the same challenges.

I was born on the outskirts of Las Vegas, in a small community called Sumpterville. My Mom was black and 10 years older than my father. My dad was white and 20 years old when I was born. A midwife delivered me. I weighted 2 lbs. 6 oz.. I’m sure I probably looked like a hairless baby rate. I wasn’t alone though, my sister came along 2 years later weighing 3 lbs. 13 oz. My parents never married. Dad never worked and laid around playing video games all day. He would party every weekend, was physically and verbally abusive to Mom and criticized everything she did.

Although Mom was very pretty and built like a model, she had low self esteem. Our Father left us 6 months after my sister was born. Mom found out later that he was having an affair with some woman in Vegas and they were both on drugs. I say, “Thank GOD and good riddance.” With all that has happened in Mom’s life, the responsibility became too great. The bills piled up, frequent Dr. visits, trips to the principal’s office (my sister and I had developed aggressive behavior), few groceries in the house and never enough money.

Mom was angry all the time. She never got an understanding of a situation before hitting or slapping us. As they say, “The abused become the abuser.” Worst of all was the constant screaming and yelling.

Mom’s yelling triggered an anger response in me...yelling, fighting and door slamming became common place. It affected my sister with a different anger response. She kicked the walls and furniture, tore her clothes, and cut her arms and legs with a razor. My sister and I were sent to a behavior Rehab Center for

44

Youth...the doctor diagnosed us with anger management problems and acute forms of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).

We took medicine to slow us down, medicine to perk us up, medicine to make us eat, medicine to make us sleep. We either slept all day or we were zoned out and bug-eyed like we were on crack. The doctors are still trying to get our meds right for a more normal behavior. Our mother still screams and yells.

All we need from you Mom is a soft voice, an occasional hug and kiss, reassurance that things will be alright, and a daily prayer.

Please Mama, Don’t yell.

Eugenne Thompson, a retired nurse of 30 years, mother of two children and six grandchildren, delights in her hobby of writing plays, skits and children’s short stories.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Honey Pie After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, “I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, “Honey Pie” and “Sweet Pea”, and “sugar” all the time.

The other gent said, “Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name.”

Wise-Guy Parrot A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day and then another and another.

After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”

Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older.

It’s natures way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.

Möm: (mom) n.

1. woman who loves you unconditionally Mömster: (mom-ster) n.

1. what happens to mom after she counts to 3.

Be Not Conformed

By Tracy Frank, Executive Director Hope Pregnancy Center of Brazos Valley

of Romans to a series of pictures and expect to benefit from the biblical truth contained within?

The philosophy of this age is pretty simple and really hasn’t changed over the centuries, but instead it is just packaged differently.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Ecclesiastes 1:9

In today’s world, it seems like we have information overload with a heaping spoonful of graphic overdose. The simple device that was originally designed to let us place calls when away from our home or office has now turned into a high-tech family of phones, pads, pods and tablets to keep us occupied with tweets, texts, posts, pictures, videos, games, searches, interests, instant chat and more.

There is an app for everything and anything. It has invaded our culture to the point that the image of someone focused on their device is the subject of memes, commercials, standup routines, psychiatric care and lawsuits, and we even need laws to tell us to put the stupid thing down while driving.

Ironically, the device that was supposed to give us the ability to make mobile calls now keeps us so distracted that we have to make an effort to have a traditional conversation. Even our words are being translated into emojis. Critical thought has been replaced with cartoon pictures. All of this makes me think of Romans 12:2-3: Do not confirm any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This overwhelming abundance of informational, emotional and graphic stimulation has to have an impact on our minds. When Paul talks about the “world” he isn’t talking about the physical planet, but instead the world system or the “age.” The term conformed (suschematizo) literally means to be molded or stamped according to a pattern. Therefore, being conformed to this age means having the same type of thinking as this “smart phone” age. But you might say your usage is wholesome, your Facebook posts are Bible verses and you have Bible apps on your device. That is great, but I would ask if your sharing of the Word has now become a series of posts and tweets as opposed to actual human interaction?

Consider a picture with words and flowers – does your mind focus on the individual words and their meaning or flowers, design and mixed fonts? In posting this pretty picture, the verses before and after are not included and the context of the verse is lost. How could we possibly reduce the book

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If you want something, you deserve to have it. Public opinion (or fake news) defines what is truth, and popularity is more important than holiness. Faith is regulated to specific days or even just a few hours and everyday worldly living dominates the rest of our time. Tolerance is the guiding principal of our age and truth is no longer absolute. In the past, we were warned about movies, music and television, but now all that, and more, are packed into a little handheld device accessible 24/7.

A recent Pew research states that 77% of Americans own a smart phone up from 35% in 2011 . But it isn’t just the use that concerns me. I am beginning to wonder if this age of the smart phone is transforming us into a population of lemmings, chasing after emotional hits and 15 seconds of fame on a trending tweet or Facebook post.

Lemmings who want to belong to something bigger and are constantly seeking out others who can validate their views, thoughts and beliefs with a “like” or a smiley face. With instant access to the world, it is easy to find connections, but even more disturbing, it is easy for others to find the lemmings they want to recruit to their worldview. Lemmings who are willing to blindly chase after a promise of something better.

So how do we rise above this? Again, there is nothing new under the sun. Read God’s Word. Mediate on Scripture. Focus on God. Are smart phones inherently evil? No, but when they take our eyes off of that which is perfectly good, then the edge of the cliff draws closer. The real challenge is to recognize this old enemy packaged in a new shiny toy.

Since the first step towards recovery is to admit that you have a problem, I would like to be first to say that my own device has become a distraction. I spend too much time on a farming game instead of tending to my real life garden. What can I say, there are no weeds to pull on my smart phone! Wouldn’t we all benefit from setting aside the device that allows us to be the god of our own little world and engage again with the real world and its Creator?

About Hope: Hope Pregnancy Centers of the Brazos Valley is a faith-based, nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization providing a safe and confidential refuge for those in crisis. Services (all of which are free) include pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, peer counseling, parenting and life skills classes, and material aid based on an “earn while you learn” system. More information may be found at www.partnerwithhope.org.

Sarah Blackmon, who is our ultrasound technician, created the lemming picture!

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Saving Life A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a premed student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” The young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time.

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

Trying out for The Police The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”

“What two days of the weekstart with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” ~Albert Einstein~

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Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Team Work At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him names.”

Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb pinhead’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

‘31 Chevy

When I handed him the $300 cash money, Mr. Meeks held the car keys up high, just out of my reach, smiled briefly, and then pressed them into my hands. “The car is yours,” he said. Then I did the smiling.

The dark green Chevrolet coupe was a 1931 model which I bought on its 13th birthday in 1944. Though I earned some of the $300, my mother had saved the bulk of the money. I’m not sure Dad ever knew that and I’m not certain he approved of his 14-year-old son owing an automobile. So, we just didn’t talk about it.

The car became mine parked on the shaded gravel road next to the city water pump station which Mr. Meeks operated. “Mr. Meeks, would you teach me how to drive now?” I pleaded. My hands trembled with excitement, just like before kickoffs in a football game.

“Push in the clutch, pump the gas feed, turn on the switch and hit the starter. It’s in reverse now. Let the clutch out slowly and drive backwards down the block and stop. Low gear is lower left position. Drive back to me in low, and we’ll go from there.”

And we did. Before noon, I could drive, but steering was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I blamed this on slack in the steering mechanism.

A couple of days later, with the old car loaded down with screaming friends, we roared around a curve on an isolated gravel road only to be met by Mrs. Wascomb, cruising toward us in her tan Hudson Terraplane. We gently side-swiped each other on the narrow road. When the damage proved to be minor, we shook hands and agreed to forget it. Whew! I felt tremendous relief and having to face Dad or the police after a wreck on my third day of driving.

World War II was still underway in 1944, which called for gasoline and tire rationing. Somehow we could always trade around

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for gasoline stamps, but tires were another matter. The tires on my Chevy were so thin that I had to carry two or three spares in the trunk, each thinner in rubber tread than the other. Used engine oil we obtained from the top of the barrel, Edwin. The bad stuff sinks to the bottom,” cautioned Mr. Bean.

On the way to a dove hunt one hot September afternoon, the right rear tire blew-out on the rough gravel road to Blanco. We quickly piled out of the car with a bumper jack started lifting the right rear to change tires. This caused more pressure than the front left tire could bear, and it blew out with a sharp “Ka-pow!” which scared us badly. My first impulse was that Billy Joe was practicing with his shot gun during our stop. Within two hours, we had made repairs and resumed the journey on mighty thing rubber. I could just feel another tire blowing as we tip-toed over the gravel.

My brother Jack once asked to borrow my car to take his lady friend to a rodeo in Wimberly. I readily agreed to the loan because the starter was broken and with him in love and all, I knew he’d have it fixed. And he did. Later they were happily married, which I figured was well worth the modest cost of the starter repair.

The wooden frame upon which the right door hinges were hung finally rotted away in that old car. This caused the door to jam hopelessly shut. From then on, when bringing on passengers, I had to stop, get out, and let them in from the driver’s side.

Or, in the case of boys, I just let them take a scrambling leap inside through the open window. Later, the driver’s door jammed shut in the same manner. With expert help, we simply removed the door and did without it. People pointed and laughed about the one-doored vehicle, but we didn’t care. In fact, we enjoyed the attention when it was raining .

To be continue….

Edwin H. Cooper, writer of human interest stories and articles, has been published in many Texas magazines and newspapers, and is active in numerous civic and school organizations.

His new book, 40 Years at Aggieland, was published in 2013.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Old Marine Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton.”

The marine looked at the vet and said, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The old vet said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton.”

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday

The marine again told the vet, “Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

Monday

Blink

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I’ve already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

DON’T LET SOMEONE WHO HAS DONE NOTHING TELL YOU HOW TO DO ANYTHING. 51

One sizzling summer day during dog days of 1951, I rode my bike to Dukes’ store in Bill Arp. Mama sent me to get a can of Spam and a box of saltine crackers, and gave me a dime to spend on myself. I got two drinks, a Nehi strawberry and an Orange Crush and proceeded to guzzle them.

An old man, who was a regular at the store, sauntered in, got himself a dope (that’s what old timers called Cokes) and a pack of peanuts. He plopped down on the drink box, dangles his feet, poured the peanuts in his Coke, and began telling tall tales about Bill Arp. One of them has stuck in my mind until I can quote it almost like he told it.

He said a soldier returned to the Bill Arp family farm after WWI. The first morning home he asked his daddy if there was anything he could do to help out. His daddy said, “Well the only thing I had planned for today was to tear down the old outhouse. I’ve built us a new one.”

“Papa, let me do it. I’ll show you what I’ve learned in the army.”

“Well, alright if that’s what you want to do.”

The army has trained the soldier in explosives and demolition. He got a half stick of dynamite from the tool shed, where his daddy kept it for blowing stumps out of the ground.

He attached a cap and fuse in the end of the dynamite.”

Watch this Papa.” He shoved it up under the old outhouse, lit the fuse, and he and his daddy ran behind the smoke house.

KABOOM! The old privy splintered into a thousand pieces.

“How’s that for making short work of a job Papa?”

“The army shore knows how to get things done don’t they?”

Later that morning the young man was helping his daddy shuck some corn. His mother came down to the corn crib.

“Have ya’ll seen grandpa? I can’t find him anywhere?”

They started looking and the more they looked the more concerned they became. Suddenly she clapped her hand over her mouth, sucked in a great gulp of air and said, “Oh my goodness, grandpa never would use the new toilet. You don’t suppose…oh I can’t even think about it.”

They hurried to the scene of destruction and started pawing through the shattered debris. About 20 feet from the site they found grandpa entangled in blackberry brambles. His clothes

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by Neal Beard, a retired pastor living in Douglasville, Georgia.

He writes history / humor about the rural northwest Georgia community where he grew up in the 40s and 50s.

were tattered, his hat was battered, and he was scratched up like he had been the referee in a cat fight.

He was stunned speechless and pale as a catfish’s belly.

They got the dazed old man to the house, laid him on a bed and bathed his face with cold water. Grandpa began coming out of his fog. He sat up, blinked his eyes, shook his head and said, “By George, that’s the last time I’ll light my pipe in the outhouse.”

His tale told, and his dope finished, the old timer ambled out of the store and down the road. I still don’t know if it was true or if a wide-eyed country boy got his leg pulled; I lean toward the latter.

It does, however, illustrate that smoking is bad for your health---especially if you light up in---the wrong place.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Smart Cat A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

************** Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then he said, “We have reached your destination”.

The first guy gave him money and the second guy said “Thank you.” The third guy slapped the driver.

The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But when he asked “What was that for?”. The third guy replied, “Control you speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

To Advertise in the Front Porch Magazine 979-567-7871

How to Age with Humour Molly Age 103 Journalists were interviewing Molly Holderness, a 103-year-old woman, ‘Tell us, Mrs Holderness, what do you think is the best thing about being 103?’ the reporter asked.

Molly smiled and looked straight at the reporter and simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

Iris Age 67 ‘I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for pensioners [seniors]. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.’

‘Old age is a gift’.

Ron, an eighty five year old man, was sitting on the couch with his wife, Maisie, when she said to him, ‘Why don’t you come sit close to me like you used to.’ So he did.

After a moment Maisie said, ‘Why don’t you put your arm around me like you used to.’

Ron put his arm around Maisie and held her tight. Then she said, ‘Why don’t you nibble on my ear like you used to.’

Ron got up and left the room.

‘Where are you going?’ Maisie called out.

‘To get my teeth,’ Ron replied.

Memory Test Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin, go to the doctor for their memory test. It’s a miracle they remembered the appointment! Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, “What is five times five?”

“191,” is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, “It’s your turn. What is five times five?”

“Wednesday,” replies Jenkin man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay Martin it’s your turn. What’s five times five?”

“Twenty-five,” says Martin.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get your answer?”

“Easy,” says Martin, “just subtract 191 from Wednesday.”

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Porcupine Injury Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

“Fifteen dollars, Ma’am,” he answered.

“Why that’s simply outrageous!” she stormed. “That’s what’s wrong with you Maine people, you’re always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we’re not being gypped here?”

“Raise porcupines, Ma’am.”

Considerate Cop Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.

The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “What the was that for?”.

The officer answers, “You’re in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.”

The officer does a check on the driver’s license, and he’s O.K..

He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The officer says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The officer says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your friend here, “I wish that he would’ve tried that with me!”

Visit our Website www.frontporchmagazine.com

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Crabby Old Man What do you see, nurses? . . . . . What do you see?

What are you thinking . . . . . when you’re looking at me?

A crabby old man, . . . . . not very wise, Uncertain of habit, . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . and makes no reply When you say in a loud voice . . . . . ‘I do wish you’d try!’

Who seems not to notice . . . . . the things that you do And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not, . . . . . lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding . . . . . the long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse, . . . . . you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am, . . . . . as I sit here so still, As I do your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters, . . . . .. who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he’ll meet.

A groom soon at Twenty, . . . . . my heart gives a leap Remembering the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own Who need me to guide, . . . . . and a secure happy home.

A man of Thirty, . . . . . my young now grown fast, Bound to each other . . . . . with ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . . . . have grown, and are gone, But my woman’s beside me . .. . . . to see I don’t mourn.

At Fifty, once more, . . . . . babies play ‘round my knee, Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.

I look at the future . . .. . . I shudder with dread For my young are all rearing . . . . . young of their own.

And I think of the years . . . . . and the love that I’ve known.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, hospital staff believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.

A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem.

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I’m now an old man . . . . . and nature is cruel.

‘Tis jest, to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles; . . .. . . grace and vigor depart.

There is now a stone . . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . a young guy still dwells, And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, . . . . . I remember the pain.

And I’m loving and living . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, . . . . . gone too fast, And accept the stark fact . . . . . that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people . . . . . open and see.

Not a crabby old man. Look closer; . . . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

RU4TX

by Sam Johnson

Many citizens of America today are tired of the constant back-biting, untruths, and anger exhibited by our elected officials. Where have civility, reason, and knowledge gone?

To counter this latest trend, several local, dedicated Republicans have decided to get together and form a new group, not as a protest but as an example of what might be accomplished when we work together in a more civilized manner.

This Republican organization supports candidates and organizations that wish to preserve and protect the basic principles espoused by the Republican Party. And, of course, it supports the liberty of free and protected speech based on reason and civility. We call ourselves Republicans United for Texas and meet on a monthly basis in Caldwell, Texas. We are not formally connected to the Republican Party, other than our voting for Republicans at the ballot box.

Controlling people by keeping them in a constant state of anger, fear and anxiety is wrong. It should be, no, let me

say that it must be avoided if people are to make rational decisions, rather than fear-based reactions later regretted.

As such, RU4T seeks to provide a way to get together and converse with others, to share ideas, listen, and seek the best answers for the issues of the day. We have informative speakers, usually have a meal, but our goal is to channel our energy in positive ways.

To get more information on times and dates of upcoming meetings in Caldwell, call Sam Johnson at 979-272-4042 or email him at Sam@RU4TX.org.

Why Would I Ever Sell Oil and Gas Rights

by Christopher Rosas

Christopher C. Rosas is an oil and gas attorney and investor. He is a proud member of the Caldwell High School Class of 1992, Texas Aggie Class of 1997 and Denver College of Law Class of 2001.

The old adage to “never sell mineral rights” is well known to landowners in oil producing country. And while it is true that we don’t know what the future holds in regard to the next new technology to be developed, there are a few practical considerations that mineral and royalty owners should consider the next time they receive a letter in the mail offering “top dollar” for their mineral or royalty right. Knowing what a potential buyer is offering to purchase and an understanding of why a sale might be a good option is important in evaluating such an offer.

First, not all “mineral rights” are equal.

A piece of land owned by a private individual or entity is owned in Fee, which is a legal term. The Fee estate is comprised of the surface estate and the mineral estate.

The surface estate and the rights which flow from ownership of it, can be separated from the mineral estate. When this occurs, the minerals have been “severed” from the surface estate. Surface estates are often owned by one individual and mineral estates by another. Ownership of the mineral estate constitutes ownership of various rights including, the right to develop, the right to lease, the right to receive bonus payments, the right to receive delay rentals and the right to receive royalty payments. Bonus payments are the payments the mineral owner receives when an oil and gas lease is signed, and delay rentals (although not common anymore) are typically paid each year a lease is in effect until a well is drilled.

The rights discussed above flowing from ownership of the mineral estate can be separately bought, sold or gifted in regard to a tract of land. It is not uncommon for one person to own the right to lease, but not to receive the royalty payment. Or, in many cases, one party may own the right to receive the bonus and rentals when a lease is signed, but not the royalty payment. Similarly, mineral rights (and all the rights flowing from ownership thereof) can be limited to only certain depths or geological formations in

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the land. For example, a landowner may only own the mineral rights from the surface to the base of the Eagleford Formation. Therefore, it is important to understand what is being offered by a potential buyer of mineral or royalty rights.

Only after understanding what is being offered can a landowner make an informed decision as to whether a sale is in his or her best interest. The answer to this question depends on many factors, a few of which involve the costs necessary to maintain ownership of the mineral interest, the value of the mineral interest going forward, the effect of inflation on the interest and the individual needs of the owner.

Just as nothing in life is free, maintaining ownership of certain interest could cost an owner more than its worth. The interest that is created when a lessee takes a lease from a mineral owner is known as a leasehold interest or a working interest. It is this interest which is most often bought and sold by oil and gas companies to one other. Many times, the leasehold interest will be owned by more than one lessee, and the ownership of that interest will be subject to various operational agreements, such as a Joint Operating Agreement. One important provision of a Joint Operating Agreement is the cost sharing provision. The cost-sharing provision obligates every owner of a portion of the leasehold interest to pay his or her proportionate share of expenses attributable to operations to operate a well. For example, if it costs $30,000 to workover a marginal well, the owner of 50% of the working interest is responsible for the payment of $15,000 to the Operator. On older marginal wells, continued costs to operate can greatly exceed the production payments a working interest owner is entitled to by virtue of their interest in the lease.

In some instances, oil and gas interests are so small that it is not cost effective to incur the legal fees and appraisal fees necessary to pass them on to the next genera-

tion in the event of a death in the family.

For example, many landowners in central Texas own interests in drilling units that exceed a thousand acres. Commonly, the royalty payments that an owner receives will be determined in accordance with the surface acres and fraction of mineral interest that he or she owns in relation to the unit as a whole. In other words, an owner’s interest can be so small in a unit that he or she may only receive a few dollars per year. Clearly, it does not make sense for such an owner to incur thousands of dollars of legal fees to pass this interest on to his or her heirs in the event of death. In such a case, it might be more cost-effective to have the Personal Representative of the estate sell the interest and distribute the cash generated to the heirs.

Inflation can also have a negative effect on the value of a mineral interest. While the value of a dollar will forever be the measure of value for oil and gas in the United States, the relative buying power of that dollar is not a constant. There is no guarantee that the price that buyers will be willing to pay will increase proportionately in the future as fast as inflation. Similarly, a mineral owner may need the cash generated from the sale of an oil and gas interest for the purchase of another lower risk investment, such as low risk high dividend stocks.

Of course, there are also certain life events that require large sums of cash.

Paying for college or weddings can be difficult if long term savings are not available. The liquidation of an oil and gas interest provides an immediate source of cash for use in such a situation.

The examples in this article are not meant to be all inclusive or legal advice.

You should always consult a professional before making any financial decisions.

There are also important tax implications to consider. However, understanding what that next potential buyer is trying to acquire, and a few reasons why a sale might be in your best interest should always be considered.

Chuckles, Giggles & Snickers Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time congress meets. ~Will Rogers~

These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

-Clarence Darrow “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

-Mark Twain “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”

-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.”

-Winston Churchill, in response

SOMERVILLE ON THE GROW

New Somerville mayor Ken Tharp is working hard to improve the plight of Somerville citizens. He is one who is capable of generating changes and getting things done. Just take a look at his personal accomplishments: Ken Tharp, a native of Caldwell, Texas, worked as a high school senior to organize his first oilfield roustabout service. After graduating, he continued his entrepreneurial ways and in 1992 opened Overall Lumber and Hardware Company in Somerville. Then in 2005, he opened the Brazos Valley Turf Company, which he later sold. Now, in his “retirement,” he, alongside his wife, operates their businesses from their home.

Melissa and Ken want to make a difference, and she says that Ken thinks he can help, and that he has a lot of ideas. Though the job of mayor pays $50 a month, Ken approaches the job as if it pays $100,000. He goes to the “office” every day. He sees himself not as a politician but a businessman, and he wants to improve business and the quality of life in Somerville.

Tharp says he hears from many companies and individuals considering moving to Somerville, but they state concerns about housing, streets, and recreational opportunities. He hopes to work with leadership in Somerville to improve these areas.

After the major flooding of 2015 and 16, Somerville began work to improve drainage in the downtown area. Many other profitable endeavors are in progress or accomplished: The city has received a grant from Post Oak Savannah for $296,000 to further improve the Somerville water system. Citizens of Somerville approved a bond for a new elementary totaling $12,600,000, for new educational space, new central dining, and relocation of sports fields to a sports complex.

Besides improvements for water and space issues, Somerville has been the benefactor of some notable growth in businesses: the board of Burleson St Joseph Health Center has approved a new facility for Somerville. Land has already been purchased on Highway 36, near 11th Street for the facility that will house the new Health Point Clinic, an EMS and ambulance facility and offices for Burleson Health Resource Center. Initial construction is slated for 2018, and will be paid for without a bond.

Additional evidences of improvement for Somerville are: A new Family Dollar Store has located on Highway 36. And a new Dollar General Store was constructed and has opened on Highway 36 and 9th Street. They have plans to sell their old location on Rosa Lee Lane. Although Mayor Tharp has not announced this, it is expected that a local famous ice cream restaurant will be building a new facility in the next few years.

Of note is the Somerville Area Assistance Ministries or SAAM House, a ministry of local churches. It has had an increase in clients as well as increase in donations of food and clothing. Thus more space is needed. Their board has approved expansion of their present facilities, at 2nd Avenue and Gun Range Road. An expansion of 1080 square feet will increase the pantry, storage, and showroom spaces.

Tharp is optimistic, and believes that after the elementary school is complete, and the big trucks quit rolling, work on the streets in Somerville will begin. And he believes that these announced projects will stimulate further growth in Somerville.

I’ve reached that age where my brain went from “You probably shouldn’t say that” ...to...

“What the heck, let’s see what happens”

KGID 96.3 FM is the station, your station for Classic Country. Enjoy the classic country that features artists who sing the old favorite songs you’ll possibly remember, but for sure, they’ll be ones you will love or grow to love when you hear them.

Owner Greg Shapiro, wife Betty, and their son Greg are enjoying creating this awesome radio station for Central Texas. At present, transmitting goes as far North as Hutto, as far West as Lockhart, as far South as Columbus, and as far East as the outskirts of Caldwell.

The Shapiros have been in the process of creating KGID for some 10 years now.

The designing of a radio stations is no simple matter. The years have been involved in obtaining a license, acquiring land, attaining letters of approval from the federal government, and building the station.

At present, the studio is at the transmitter which is located in Paige, Texas, in Lee County. They desire to offer great music and serve the communities like they’ve never been served before. They charge nothing for non-profit organizations. Their desire is to be heard and to inform.

KGID 96.3 FM is presently looking for some new businesses to take a spot to promote their businesses, their sales or new items. Spots run 30 to 60 seconds each. If you are interested, contact the sales office number is 979-773.1008.

Their listener line is 979.773.1008. Just call in and request a song. They are happy to play what you want to hear.

This mostly music station is actively looking for anyone who’d like to do an awareness show. It may be concerning travel, cars, sports, oil…whatever interests you. At present, there is the daily Cattle Report which is broadcast at dawn, at noon and in the evening.

A future plan is to cover all sports in the area… boys and girls alike. They look forward to putting them on the air!

A specific need right now is for someone to create a Community Calendar. This voluntary position would not take much of your time. ..perhaps once a month. They will work with you to fit your schedule.

Be sure and listen to KGID FM 96.3 to hear good music, and so much more.

TELL OUR ADVERTISERS Y O U S AW THEM IN THE FRONT PORCH MAGAZINE

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Get a Hot Bod with 7 Thermogenic Foods Green Tea I love this in beverage form, however there are also supplements of it. Drinking green tea once or twice daily can be integrated very easily. Make sure it’s organic, the flavor doesn’t matter but if you put sugar in it, or a lot of honey, you’re defeating the purpose! So drink it straight up.

Even if you keep your regular diet steady, you could lose as much as 2.9 pounds over 12 weeks, according to a 2013 article in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. Researchers theorize that it’s a combination of the caffeine content and the polyphenols present in green tea that produce a thermogenic effect.

Luckily, green tea is delicious, and it’s just as good iced as it is hot. If you think it’s a little too bitter, try sweetening it with a few drops of stevia—an all-natural, zero-calorie sugar alternative.

Also, don’t oversteep it, that’s a common way to make it more bitter than it should be.

Suzy Cohen, RPh www.suzycohen.com People call me “America’s Most Trusted Pharmacist®” because I’ve been a licensed pharmacist for over 25 years and is a functional medicine practitioner for the last 15. I am able to share the pros and cons of medication use as well as offer natural substitutions for most any of your health concerns. While I pride myself in ‘thinking outside the pill’ let me just say that I am still very proud to wear my white coat because I realize that there is a time and place for medications. We need to consider all of our options, and often, a combination is best.

In addition to writing a syndicated health column, “Dear Pharmacist,” which circulates to 20 million readers each week, Suzy Cohen is the author of many different books on natural health. You may have seen her on The Dr. OZ Show (6 different appearances), The View, The Doctors, Good Morning America Health and hundreds of morning shows. www.suzycohen.com

The fastest way to lose weight is to exercise more and shrink your portions at each meal. Some of my friends in Florida who like hitting the all-you-can-eat buffet hope to burn fat at the same time. Not possible. (Unless perhaps they run laps around the soup station!) But there are some calorie-burning shortcuts you can take. One of them is thyroid hormone, because it activates your fat-burning pathways. Another is to consume more thermogenic foods and beverages.

Thermogenesis is a metabolic process your body initiates in an effort to create heat. In other words, the foods I’m about to tell you about rev up your metabolism, which helps you burn more calories, contributing to weight loss! They can be a very helpful complement to your other weight reduction efforts without you even having to think twice. Here are the specific items I think can help, so try integrating what you like on a daily basis:

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Hot Peppers Mmm, I love spicy food! I wonder how much it contributes to my own fat-burning capabilities. I’ve always been little, and I’ve always loved spice! Anyway, spicy food does more than make you sweat, it helps you burn calories due to the heat-forming compound called capsaicin. That’s the substance in chili peppers that causes the sting. Applied topically, it helps a little with nerve pain – I’ve written about this many times. Taken internally in the form of spice, it can turn on thermogenesis.

So next time you eat hot chili or salsa, or green curry… and feel yourself starting to get hot under the collar, remind yourself that you’re not being socially awkward, you’re being metabolically upregulated! Put a shake or two of some cayenne in egg salad, soups, scrambled eggs, salsa, guacamole or your morning carrot juice.

Turmeric Turmeric is a woody root that’s bright yellow on the inside and is a key component of curry powder. You can buy organic powdered spice, and start using it in your everyday cooking. Taking it regularly can reduce your need for pain relievers if you suffer from chronic pain due to its anti-inflammatory effect.

For today’s purposes, I’ll also tell you about its thermogenic properties. A Tufts University study found that when mice were put on a high-fat diet, those who were also given turmeric every day gained significantly less weight, had lower cholesterol and less fat in their livers than the group who didn’t get turmeric.

Continued on Page 64

Get a Hot Bod with 7 Thermogenic Foods Continued from Page 62 A delicious way to consume more turmeric is to make a hot beverage, popular in India, called golden milk. It’s perfect for those rainy, cooler, summer evenings. To make it, start with 2 cups of cow’s milk or milk alternative and add one teaspoon powdered (ground) turmeric, one-half teaspoon cinnamon powder (another thermogenic food), a pinch of black pepper, and a dash of ground ginger. You can also add a tiny bit of cayenne pepper for even more fat-burning power! Heat everything slowly in a saucepan over the stove and then sip from your favorite mug or one of my beautiful handmade Cups of Love. It has such a nice flavor, very warming and similar to chai. I think you will love it; feel free to make adjustments to make the recipe your own.

Cinnamon This common, cozy-smelling spice is well-known for its ability to support healthy levels of blood sugar. The theory is that the lower your blood sugar, the less insulin you’ll release, and the less your cells get the signal to store your food as fat onto your thighs. So balancing blood sugar is a shortcut to losing weight, discussed fully in my book, Diabetes Without Drugs.

Cinnamon is thermogenic. Sprinkle it over a bowl of fresh berries with a splash of your favorite milk or cream, put some on top of your morning oatmeal, or into a protein shake or smoothie. Cinnamon is great on top of coffee too. And you can add it your golden milk as you imagine your body going to work on burning calories (while you relax). Ahhhh! Now that’s a lovely thought. Side note: I read an article that claimed thinking about working out can induce faster weight loss. Seriously, just thinking it, isn’t that nutso?! If that’s true, then I wonder if thinking about a banana split can make you gain weight?!

Apple Cider Vinegar Apple cider vinegar has been regarded as a digestive stimulant for centuries. In 2009, researchers found that acetic acid, the main ingredient in apple cider vinegar, promotes the production of fat-burning enzymes in the livers of mice. And being able to burn fat for energy is the best way to get rid of any excess fat deposits you’re toting around. I advise against drinking it straight because it is very acidic and can damage your tooth enamel and esophagus. It always has to be diluted in something, even water. You can also use it to make salad dressing, or dilute a teaspoon (or up to a tablespoon) in a cup or two of water and boom… down the hatch! My ‘bookface’ mom drinks it that exact way, to this day.

Grapefruit Grapefruit is a great source of pectin, a soluble fiber that binds to glucose so the sugar doesn’t get absorbed in to your

bloodstream. And remember, managing your blood sugar levels means lower insulin, which translates to less fat stored in your cells. Also, grapefruit appears to have its very own special powers when it comes to promoting weight loss.

A 2006 study published in the Journal of Medicinal Food found that obese people who went on a low-calorie diet and either ate half a grapefruit, drank a seven-ounce glass of grapefruit juice or took a grapefruit capsule before every meal for 12 weeks lost significantly more weight than study participants who merely followed the diet (without any grapefruit whatsoever).

A great thing about grapefruit is that it can stay fresh in your produce drawer for weeks, so stock up when they’re on sale and enjoy half a grapefruit before meals or in place of a snack. Hey, you could also sprinkle some cinnamon on top of it and get a double thermogenic whammy. The only thing I ask is that you check grapefruit’s interaction with your medication. There are compounds in grapefruit and other citrus fruits that impact the levels of many medications and can dangerously spike them, so ask your local pharmacist or doctor, or look it up. Here’s an article I wrote on grapefruit and medication.

Coconut Oil Coconut oil contains medium chain fatty acids, which is unusual for an edible oil, most of which have long chain fatty acids. Coconut oil’s molecular structure makes it uniquely able to bypass the digestive process (where its calories could be stored as fat) and go straight to the liver where it can be used for fuel.

So coconut oil isn’t thermogenic because it increases calorieburning per se, but rather because it doesn’t contribute to fat, and it could replace bad fats in your diet.

You can eat a tablespoon of organic coconut oil every day. It’s easy, you can just sauté your veggies in it instead of olive oil for example. Some people eat it straight off the spoon, others stir it into their morning coffee or tea which I have tried and find palatable. I love to make healthy chocolate candies with it sometimes. I combine a cup of melted coconut oil with a cup of raw cacao powder and a quarter cup of coconut milk (for creaminess). Then I sweeten the mixture with stevia, or unrefined cane sugar and I stir in some chopped up nuts, cinnamon or shaved coconut flakes. You can pour everything into a silicone candy mold and pop it into the fridge where it will harden into chocolate treats. It’s a satisfying sweet treat without a strong sugar hit and it has plenty of good, fat-burning coconut oil!

In addition to being thermogenic, these seven foods are extremely healthy for you in many ways, so integrating them into your healthy diet is a wonderful idea just for the health of it!

Fall Favorites

By Sharon Laffere Ehlert Autumn is my favorite time of the year. I love the cool, crisp evenings and the beautiful colors of the season. I also enjoy the abundance of delicious apples harvested in the fall. In this issue, I will share one of my husband’’s favorite apple dessert recipes.

Me? Crazy?

I should get down off this unicorn and slap you.

APPLE KUCHEN ½ cup butter 1 pkg. yellow cake mix ½ cup flaked coconut 2 ½ cups sliced, pared apples ½ cup sugar 1 tsp. cinnamon 1 cup sour cream 2 egg yolks Heat oven to 350 degrees. Cut butter into dry cake mix until crumbly. Mix in coconut. Pat mixture lightly into an ungreased 13X9 inch pan. Bake 10 minutes. Arrange apple slices on the warm crust. Mix sugar and cinnamon; sprinkle on apples. Blend sour cream and egg yolks; drizzle over apples. Bake 25 minutes or until edges are light brown. Serve warm. Tastes great with homemade vanilla ice cream.

Political Trial At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

-Forrest Tucker “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

-Mark Twain “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

-Mae West “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

-Oscar Wilde “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

-Billy Wilder “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”

-Groucho Marx

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To Be A Movie Star

by Polly Williams

“You’re hired,” declared Director David Evans. I was stunned!

But I reached out my hand to accept the congratulatory hand shake for me, the elderly baseball fan in his movie on a true story of a small town team going for their twentieth championship game.

Walking out of the bare room, after having auditioned for the part of the elderly woman, I encountered the assistant director who inquired how it felt to now be a movie star. I was still stunned, but I did ask her what was going to happen next. She replied that I would get a phone call from the costume department for all of my statistics, measurements, colors, etc., so they would have an idea about what outfits to have ready for me to wear portraying the elderly woman.

For years growing up in the 40’s and 50’s, I watched many westerns playing in our small town theater. And I often thought Wouldn’t it be something to be in the movies! While reading the local paper one day, I noticed an ad wanting extras for a movie that was being filmed within a 20 minute drive from where I worked. What an opportunity! I applied to be an extra, sending in my resume’ of my experience. I had none! I hadn’t been in any high school plays; I hadn’t taken part in any town plays.

All this made me think seriously about what my life had been. All of a sudden, I had the inspiration to list my life: premature birth, lonely doctor’s daughter, college drop-out, graduating from a 2 year business college, marrying a new, young pastor, living 15 years as a pastor’s wife before he died, being a widow with three little boys to raise, going to nursing school after age 40, working 20 years as a registered nurse, marrying a farmer, going on short missionary ventures. These were the roles I had played.

The picture I sent along with my resume was of my being dressed up for a high class Women’s Club Tea Party. I wore my mother’s big brimmed black hat from the 40’s and a black dress that would have been worn at weddings. Later, as I was being escorted out of the auditioning room, I heard the associate director say, “It must have been the hat.” I was too stunned to even ask her what she meant.

I was told to show up on the set each day, go to the make-up trailer where all the real movie stars were being groomed, and then go to the costume trailer and get my elderly woman outfit, go to the dressing room set aside for me and another gal…and wait until we were called. We were given strict rules not to speak to any of the movie stars unless they spoke to us first.

We were not to leave the area where we were waiting for further instructions. In that area, there were plenty of refreshments and snacks to have. Because I actually was hired for a speaking part and not to just sit in the bleachers as an extra, I was given the right to sit with all the other paid movie personnel. We met in the school gym and had a feast every meal prepared by chefs from Hollywood.

All the other extras had to sit on bleachers and eat sack lunches.

I felt weird being singled out to be part of the Hollywood people: hairdressers, make-up artists, costume people, producers, camera people, and actors like Rachel Leigh Cook, Sean Austin, Tom Ar-

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nold, Powers Booth, Marshall Bell, Eddie Driscoll, James Gammon and Angela Paton.

Sitting in the presence of all these actors, I wanted so badly to ask Rachel Leigh Cook if this was the way movies were made. Knowing the story, and that there was an accident in it, I had heard different scenes were being filmed all over the country, not in the order of events. As a result, we spent a lot of time just sitting among the actors, and among other locals who had speaking parts. I knew not to speak to anyone, so I sat like a bump on a log. However, one afternoon the actor playing the priest walked toward me and said, “You probably have no idea what is really happening.” I was so stunned…

I just sat, stunned, dumb-like. Now, I wished I had said, “Tell me what’s really happening.”

Finally, the afternoon arrived when the elderly woman was to appear in the stands of the story and say her lines. The director came up to me and prompted me on what to say, about what I had learned and to look a certain way. My time came at last. While the movie new coach was lining up to hit the baseball, he swung under it. Then I, the elderly woman, shouted, “Get under it, Dummy!” The next time he swung, he hit the ball, and I shouted, “Ata boy!”

Later while sitting around on the set bleachers, one of the makeup artists came and powered my nose, and gave me a cushion to sit on. I was shocked at this. One other time, I walked outside the roped area to get a lawn chair from my car. All of a sudden, I heard the assistant director yell, “Polly, where are you going?” I told him, but went back really fast. I was startled to think they even paid attention to what I was doing. I was impressed.

Another scene I spoke in involved the new coach at a school board meeting where he was explaining how important it was to merge schools. Later in the scene, the actor and I crossed paths in a hallway, and I said, “Way to go, Coach!”

Thousands of takes were filmed. All was sent to Hollywood for the editors to select what was needed to make an hour and half movie that told the baseball story. One day, Sean Austin and I passed each other, and he said to me, “We won’t be using the elderly woman’s part in the movie. “You came on a little strong.” I said nothing. Again I wished I had at least said, “Thank you for telling me.” Or, “How could I change it?”…or something, rather than act dumb and stand there gaaa gaaahing, stunned to have had a real movie star speak to me. O how awful to say nothing.

When the film came out, I bought enough tickets for all the grandchildren. The oldest said, “I saw Grandma 17 times in the movie.” I actually was in scenes, one being the one in the hallway. I was paid $1200 for my part, even though my part wasn’t used. But I used the money to buy my husband a topper for his truck, and we also took a bus trip Washington DC. I even had my eyebrows tattooed!

Now , when I go to the movies, I imagine all the behind the scenes goings on: All the artists ready to fix a shine, or straighten someone’s hair, refreshments being available 24/7, directors yelling “Cut” or “It’s a wrap. My dream that did come true, and it was better than I could have ever dreamed up.

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