Drunk Horoscopes

RUNKD HOROSCO ESPBy Madame Jenna Tolls

Emotional and brave, you have been going through a rough patch in your life. Do not fret, the tumultuous path you’ve been walking on will only strengthen your soul and perseverance. When you go out tonight, do not be afraid to speak your mind. Profess your love to the highest mountains. Call your family to tell them you love them. Go on and dare to be yourself. Just don’t cry about it later, okay?

Energetic and the ability to be reserved simultaneously is no easy task. Considering the sun is moving in your sign this July, or something like that, you should feel like yourself more or less. Basically, good shit’s coming your way, try not to bathe in your glory too much, you narcissist. As for partying, get wild and rally hard, you deserve it. Just don’t pat yourself on the back too much, you might pull something.

Aren’t you tired of having the need to be in control? You’re secretly crazy and everyone loves it. These next two months, if you give yourself the chance to loosen up, will be somewhat memorable. Go out with some old friends and have a laugh. Just don’t go running off in the middle streets to push over a construction barrel or something lame, you lightweights. Some people take Libras as airheads, but deep down they are extremely profound thinkers. Libras should consider these next months to not get wild, but to sit down, drink wine, and watch a movie. Although not the best-designated drivers, Libras are always willing to be there for their friends, at least when they do decide to go out. When drunk, Libras are often carried out by friends or are found in restrooms passed out on the toilet. Take care and take it easy.

Hey, sleazebags and sleazebaggets, I’d give you the same treatment as the Gemini but considering that some of you are, and I emphasize the word some, are decent people I think the best advice I will give you is to go out and limit yourself to a drink or two. Coming out of rough patches can be traumatizing and disheartening, but as you’re noticing, things are slowly coming together better than ever. So congrats are in order, you beautiful and terrifying manipulators. Please don’t key my car.

Witty and thoughtful. These next two months bring a lot of opportunities for change. Try not to fly too close to the sun, your wings might melt. With that being said have fun when you go out, but don’t drink too much, you might say something that will be held over your head for weeks to come. Just like last time, and the time before. Remember to drink some water.

The secret sociopath! But still a good time! Go crazy, go wild! Not too crazy though, we don’t want to see you on the Galveston Island Crime Watch Facebook page. There might be an opportunity for you to make some new friends. You might feel as if your old ones aren’t cutting it. Don’t worry, Capricorn, you’ll find out who your real friends are when you go out and drink with them. If they can’t have you at your worst, they shouldn’t have you at your best. Go with the flow! When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets And love will steer the stars. Nah, just kidding. Your personal projects are coming through and you will get shit done. These are months to capitalize on your success. So grab some friends, drink like fish, and celebrate. Let the sunshine in!

Pisces, this is the best time in your life to be arrested for public indecency. Nah, I’m messing with you. This first half of the year you felt lazy and sluggish, this won’t be happening for the next half. Opportunities will open and present themselves in front of you, don’t be shy to be selective, the right one will call your name. Don’t be afraid to say no, stay in, and have a beer. But if you do decide to go out, make sure you bring an extra set of clean clothes, you secretly freaky wonderful people. Insecurities and small bumps have been plaguing your life recently. But don’t let your mistakes or trivial accidents hinder your outlook on life, you’re almost home free. When you go out tonight, party like you’ve never partied before, you might meet somebody who will change your life.

Often the opinionated and strong, you’ve been doing a lot of selfreflection. With self-reflection comes doubt, and with doubt come depression. I say avoid the alcohol, light yourself a joint, surround yourself with good friends, and accept the love, self-love, (no, I’m not talking about onanism) that you’ve so often been pushing away.

You people shouldn’t even be within a twomile radius of an alcoholic drink. Don’t you have that personal project you’re supposed to be working on?