The Seasonal Law School Existential Crisis

My first case as a lawyer was at the tender age of four. In my final year of kindergarten, I came in dressed in a makeshift black robe fashioned out of my mum’s old tablecloth. I marched into my school’s annual fancy dress competition with a lawyer’s arrogance, my pretend criminal and fellow friend in tow to sell my dramatic narrative. I had a scrunched up paper in the pocket, filled with elaborate dialogues written by my mum, her favourite crime films an inspiration for the gasp-inducing, tear jerking lines for the spectators in my class. When I finally stood before the Judge, the courtroom was moved and the criminal sent to prison as that evening I came home as the first prize winner and proud owner of a bright, red double decker lunchbox. But more importantly, I had gained an unwavering confidence in the belief that I would simply become the best lawyer of the century a handful of years down the line.

Today I am 21. My dreams remain the same, my penchant for dramatic speech still constant and the makeshift black robe a nostalgic inspiration for what I always hoped to be. But somewhere along the line, I lost a hold of the unwavering confidence that had me believe in my capability of achieving my dreams and aspirations. I refer to this as the seasonal law school existential crisis that almost all of us have loyally subscribed to over the years.

As students in a competitive industry, it is not surprising for many of us to periodically develop a negative attitude towards our capabilities and achievements especially since we have been taught to measure our progress by comparing our strengths and weaknesses to others. I have on so many occasions caught myself feeling inadequate and missable in a sea of straight A’s, awards, and glittering resumes. Unlike four year old me who never doubted the prospect of victory, I was consumed by insecurities hand picked over my formative years to create a person who is full of doubt and indecision. And that might just be where the problem lies. We look at kids and their way of seeing things as childish, like there is no strength in wholeheartedly believing in yourself. Instead, we should learn from the kids we were. and embody the same confidence when we work hard and go above and beyond to pursue these goals.

I have learnt over time a very obvious and straightforward truth. I am not anybody else but me. I am on a path no one else can take. Therefore, my experience through law school and any other dreams that come along the way will not follow the same trajectory as any other student.

There are days that I feel demotivated and unsure of my ability to manoeuvre my way through law school.. It is on those that I remind myself of the four year old in a black tablecloth for a robe convinced of her legal prowess. if I can emulate a percentage of that confidence through my experience, I am halfway there to my end goal.