HAVING ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS …. REMARKABLY

HAVING ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS ….

REMARKABLY

GEORGIA MURCH Insert date

WHY ARE WE HERE?  Build your confidence to have the tough conversations  Develop tools to become better at communication  Learn to manage yourself when the conversation gets difficult

WHAT IS REMARKABLE FEEDBACK? In the moment….or close to

Fact based

Candid yet kind

Helpful

Performance enhancing

Respectful

Unbias

Not personal

Open to their side

TYPES OF FEEDBACK Constructive feedback – positive

Constructive feedback - negative

•

Information specific, issue focused, and based on observation

•

Information specific, issue focused, and based on observation

•

About an effort well done

•

•

Objective, specific and non-judgmental

News about an effort that needs improvement

•

It is not ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so it encourages discussion.

•

Not accusing – focused on outcomes

•

Objective, specific and non-judgmental

Praise

Criticism

•

This is a personal judgment, a favourable judgment

•

This is a personal judgment, an unfavourable judgment

•

General and vague

•

General and vague

•

Doesn’t encourage discussion so it can come across as hollow, insincere or lacking in substance

•

Without specifics it can lead to a battle over whose perception is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’

•

Focused on the person

•

Focused on the person

•

Based on opinions and feelings

•

Based on opinions and feelings

REMARKABLE LEADERS EXCEL IN COMMUNICATION

Remarkable Leadership

“

The key to real change is not just to build a great process – it’s for people to hold each other accountable to use the process and that requires crucial conversations”

Ron McMillan

GREAT LEADERS ‘NIP THEM IN THE BUD’

Incidents

Cost to the Business

BushFire

SpotFire Time

If you do nothing…

It is likely the behaviour or

Only remarkable

nothing will change

action will repeat or accelerate

conversations will influence

COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING

“

In any relationship, it’s important to be a good listener as well as a good communicator. Open, honest communication is the best foundation for any relationship, but remember it’s not what you say or what you do but how you make people feel that matters most. As the company grows, communication becomes more and more important..

Communication is one of the weakest spots in any organisation, no matter how good the communication is.

Tony Hsieh CEO Zappos

WHAT ARE ‘THOSE’ CONVERSATIONS?

Impact is significant

Emotions are triggered There is disagreement

People who routinely have these conversations, and have them well, are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses, peers, and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry or running to their cave.

WHY DO WE AVOID/HAVE THEM POORLY?

Might ruin the relationship It’s not my

Lack of

job/team

confidence

member

Too

Unsure of

confrontational

the facts

No point …

Don’t have

nothing

time

will change Not sure how to approach

POOR COMMUNICATION COSTS ENGAGEMENT

RESULT

PROFIT

Devoted

Effortless

+100

Dedicated

Discretionary

+50

Committed

Compliance

+10

Tolerant

Non-committal

-10

Withdrawn

Pollution

-50

Disregard

Sabotage

-100

Ignoring the real cost of ineffective

Communication is like

communication is corporate suicide.

money…. You can never

But you don’t know it until it’s too late.

have enough!

THE BOTTOM LINE IS….

Joseph Grenny

WHAT ARE THE FACTS?

Luke is a Developer and has been on

Luke does not appear to be taking the

your team for just over a year. He is

feedback on board and you have been

based in NZ and you are in Melbourne.

having the same conversation for over 6

As the Team Leader you regularly catch

months now (your notes are on the

up with Luke to check on how things

database). This is becoming quite

are going and what he may need help

frustrating. The team in NZ have made

with. His skills when he joined were not

comments that the quality of work is not

as strong as others on the team,

great and are frustrated working with him.

however with training and coaching

They are not prepared to pass on this

along the way you felt confident he

feedback to him and have asked you as

would get there as he is a smart guy.

his manager to do something about it quickly. You need to have the conversation with Luke.

SPECULATION KILLED THE CAT Thoughts Beliefs

Facts

Speculate

Story

Conversation

Opinions Values

When we speculate on the facts and then

“Our personal earthquake of

present our story, not the facts, the outcome

assumptions become our own natural

is damaging – for us and for them.

disaster that shape our relationships”

THE ICEBERG SYNDROME

“

Never judge a man’s actions until you know his motives”.

Words and Behaviours

Thoughts and Feelings Values and Beliefs Driving needs

SPECULATION KILLED THE CAT Her Diary Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said ‘Nothing’. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way, home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour, I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you too’. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He feel asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary Motorcyle won’t start. Can’t figure out why.

SEPARATE YOUR STORY FROM THE FACTS

Step

Step

Step

01

02

03

Reflect on your future conversation

Separate the facts from the story

In groups of 3 discuss, what story have you been telling yourself? Were you leading with facts or opinion?

DISCOVER THE REAL TRUTH Do you have

Conversations

or Yoursations?

You Conversation

Them

A good conversation is like a tennis rally – back and forth, back and forth.

PREPARATION PRESERVES RELATIONSHIP 1.

State the issue (the purpose)

2.

Provide some examples (high level only)

3.

Share you opinion/feelings about this

4.

Clarify what is at stake

5.

Identify your contribution to the problem

6.

Indicate your intent to resolve (do not problem solve)

7.

Ask them for their thoughts/perspective

“

A lot of hard work has to go into your career, and preparation, and being your best at all times.

Leven Rabin

LET’S GIVE IT A GO In pairs  Prepare for the future conversation (separate the story)  Lead – Practice your 1-2 minute start  Participant – Give feedback  10 mins in total  Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!

GOTTA AGREE ON THE PURPOSE

Your topic

My topic

Mutual Purpose

Not agreeing on the purpose of the conversation is like playing darts with a blindfold on. It’s pointless and often dangerous.

RESPECT OR BUST

0 -50

Much work to do before you ask for anything

100 Ask for anything

Respect is like air. You don’t notice it day to day but as soon as it’s gone it’s all you can think about.

RESPECT OR BUST

“

If you want to be a great leader, remember to treat all people with respect at all times. For one, because you never know you’ll need their help. And two, because it’s a sign you respect people, which all great leaders do.

Simon Sinek Author of ‘Leadership Expert’

FIGHTERS

Fighters tend to

Controlling Labelling Attacking Intimidating

FLIGHTERS

Flighters tend to avoid

Withdrawing

Issues

Avoiding

Content

Masking

People

TECHNIQUES TO RESTORE SAFETY 01

Apologise, when appropriate

02

Use do/don’t statements

03

Agree on a mutual purpose

04

Ask what is going on

05

Paraphrase to acknowledge their story

06

Make silence your friend

07

Validate their feelings

APOLOGIES MATTER

Apology

TRUST

Other Person

An apology is the super glue of conversations.

It can repair just about anything.

LET’S GIVE IT A GO In the same pair  Use the conversations you prepared earlier  Lead – prepare and practice the techniques to restore safety  Participant – decide on fight or flight mode and do it  10 mins in total  Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!

BUT HOW DO I SELF MANAGE? Positive self talk (good wolf, bad wolf)

Breath

Go back to your notes

Listen… really.

Avoid interrupting

Ask for time

The only person you can control is a conversation…. is YOU!

Take ownership

Ignore the story/speculation

Be aware of your triggers

THE POWER OF COACHING Coaching allows your people to reach their fullest potential + Leading them become effortless POINTERS

Ask don’t tell

Coaching gives you time

Give up your strong relationship to control

Allow your ego to move to the side

LET’S DO IT! In pairs

Lead – Decide on the questions you will use

Participant – Decide on a problem/situation you would like to work through

15 mins in total

Then a group debrief - DON’T START THE NEXT ONE!

BOARD OF DIRECTORS IN OUR HEAD 01

Blamer

06

Always right

02

All about Me’er

07

Powerless

03

B&W Thinker

08

Perfectionist

04

Negative Thinker

09

Labeller

05

Catastrophiser/Minimiser

10

Entitler

LEAD YOURSELF OUT OF THE BOD TRAP?

Learn to recognise the thinking Go back to the facts Feed the Good Wolf Look for the gift in the lesson Shift the onus to yourself Build gratitude

Seek advice

THE RIGHT PLACE, AT THE RIGHT TIME

Timing

Method

Location

METHOD

OUTCOME

Face to face

Ideal outcome

Face to face (tech)

Near 100%

Phone

Highly likely

Email

Highly unlikely

Text/message

Dangerous

Snapchat/ FB

Epic Fail

Ideal outcome

KEY TAKEAWAYS Learn to Look and STOP the

Shut the hell up!

discussion until safety is restored

The ‘real truth’ is your facts…

Don’t believe everything you think

AND theirs

– the BOD’s might be in control

‘Nipping it in the bud’ maintains

Beware of the Iceberg syndrome

relationships and productivity

and that you don’t apply it

Be conscious of Conversations

If you don’t practice then

not Yoursations

NOTHING will change

Present facts first always, don’t lead with opinion

When all else fails…. Breath!

DELIBERATE PRACTICE MAKES EXPERT You won’t become an expert by observation. If you don’t practice – you won’t improve. The end.

WHAT’S YOUR START, STOP AND CONTINUE?

STOP

CONTINUE

Workbook

START

THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK What stops us from receiving feedback graciously Truth triggers Relationship triggers Identify triggers Delivery trigger

What we can do in the moment

Find the ‘gold’

Be the example

Beware of your iceberg

SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS Optiver focus groups tell us; “Outside of trading, priorities are often unclear and need direction” “Blind sided by projects with no clear goals and poor ticketing” “Not enough feedback or communication from TL on my work” “1:1s are too task focused with longer term goals”

Need to start setting clear goals;

When

What

How

Measurement

BRILLIANT CONVERSATIONS Improve the quality of conversations

Improves the quality of your relationships

Improves the quality of outcomes

Leads to Brilliant Leadership

GET OUT THERE AND BECOME REMARKABLE! Talk to Georgia Murch

0402 252 791 georgia@canwetalk.net.au www.canwetalk.net